readability in proposals · agile development methodologies were successfully implemented and...

Readabilityin Proposals:Improve it in Four Easy Steps

SAMANTHA ENSLENDragonfly Editorial

WHAT it is

HOW to measure it

HOW to improve it

WHY it’s important

WHAT IS READABILITY?

Readability

How EASY it is to read a piece of writing

The fathers of readability

bad good

high low

Fleish Kincaid

Flesch‐Kincaid Grade Level Readability

Flesh Reading Ease

They assess

% short vs. long words

% short vs. long sentences

Text with shorter words and sentences

More readable

13.5‐th

5th–7th

Readability goals

Flesch‐Kincaidgrade level = 5th – 9th

Fleschreading ease

≥ 60

HOW DO YOU MEASURE IT?

Microsoft Word

Turn on readability

Options

Proofing,

Show readability stats

Get readability stats

HOW DO YOU IMPROVE READABILITY?

1. Simplify sentences

2. Simplify words

3. Shorten sentences & paragraphs

4. Enhance visual presentation

1. SIMPLIFY SENTENCES

IMPROVING READABILITY:

KEEP THE VERB NEAR THE SUBJECT

The dog swallowed.

subject verb

(actor) (action)

The dog swallowed the bone.

subject verb object

subject verb (object)

The dog that I had had since I was a little girl growing up in Broward County, Georgia, living in a run-down shack with a dirt floor for a bed just down the road a piece from my grandma,swallowed the bone.

Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of Phase 1 of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts, will be difficult.

Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts, will be difficult.

Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts,

Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts, will be an absolute delight.

Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract

17th → 12th

The challenge is the inclusion of engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection in this effort.

will be difficult.

Plaintiff's testimony that he had never had a back injury and had never been treated by a doctor for a back ailment before this workplace accident is suspect.

Plaintiff's testimony is suspect.

He states that he had never had a back injury and had never been treated by a doctor for a back ailment before this workplace accident.

13th → 8th

DON’T LEAVE THE READER IN SUSPENSE

For Tasks that require new applications, after Functional Testing; Integration, Checkout and Testing; User Acceptance Test – Test Readiness Review; User Acceptance Testing; and an on-site Operational Readiness Review, we submit our application and test plans to the Government Task Manager.

For Tasks that require new applications, we submit our application and test plans to the Government Task Manager.

For Tasks that require new applications, we submit our application and test plans to the Government Task Manager.This is done after Functional Testing; Integration, Checkout and Testing; User Acceptance Test – Test Readiness Review; User Acceptance Testing; and an on-site Operational Readiness Review.

10th → 9th

REDUCE NOUNIFICATION

before after

verb noun

Take a verb

Decide

Manage

Conclude

Discuss

Examine

Consider

Turn it into a noun

Decide

Manage

Conclude

Discuss

Examine

Consider

Decision

Management

Conclusion

Discussion

Examination

Consideration

Add a bunch of other words

Decide

Manage

Conclude

Discuss

Examine

Consider

Make a decision

Provide the management of

Come to a conclusion

Have a discussion about

Conduct an examination of

Take into consideration

We have made a decision to conduct an examination of the secret tomb.

We decided to examine the secret tomb.

10th → 9th

Our team will provide surveying of facilities, synchronization of survey data, and coordination of logistics activities with base personnel.

Our team will survey facilities, synchronize survey data, and coordinate logistics activities with base personnel.

17th → 15th

Our team will survey facilities, synchronize survey data, and coordinate logistics activities with base personnel.

17th → 15th

Our team will survey facilities, synchronize survey data, and coordinate logistics with base personnel.

17th → 15th13th

REDUCE PASSIVE VOICE

subject verb object

Subject does the action!

Active voice

The bone was swallowed by the dog.

Subject is acted upon

Passive voice

The plaintiff gave testimony.

Testimony was given by the plaintiff.

Our team will write the guidelines.

The guidelines will be written by our team.

A national network of experts will be deployed.

A national network of experts will be deployed BY ZOMBIES.

PASSIVE

Our Training and Development team will sponsor a series of weekly seminars.

ACTIVE

Implementation of the Transition Plan will be carried out quickly and efficiently.

Implementation of the Transition Plan will be carried out quickly and efficiently BY ZOMBIES.

PASSIVE

All classified media will be correctly marked and proper safeguards for its storage will be followed.

We will correctly mark all classified media and follow proper safeguards for its storage.

11th → 10th

Agile development methodologies were successfully implemented and executed for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II.

We successfully implemented and executed Agile development methodologies for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II.

We successfully implemented Agile development methodologies for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II.

20th → 18th

Free drinks are being served downstairs!

The streaker was quickly apprehended.

2. SIMPLIFY WORDSIMPROVING READABILITY:

Replace long with short

INSTEAD OF

Accordingly

Facilitate

Immediately

Utilize

Subsequently

Expeditious

Replace complex with clear

Remuneration

Liaise

Enumerate

Corporation

Transformation

Change

INSTEAD OF TRY

Replace many words with one

INSTEAD OF

Until such time as

Have a need for

Due to the fact that

In the event that

Has the capability to

Because

Readability = 12.8

Due to the fact that the mission‐critical

data items are waterlogged, we have

made a decision to put them in the dryer

until such time as they are no longer wet.

Readability = 7

Because the critical data is wet,

we are putting it in the dryer.

CUT THE CLICHESIMPROVING READABILITY:

Redundant

INSTEAD OF

Stated requirements

Pre‐planning

New innovations

Mission‐critical

Data items

End result

Previous experience

Requirements

Planning

Innovations

Critical

Result

Experience

Meaningless fluff

INSTEAD OF

Experience and expertise

A holistic solution

Drive synergy

Best‐of‐breed

World‐class

Leading edge, cutting edge

Uniquely qualified

Leverage our experience

Say what you mean

Throat clearing

INSTEAD OF

It is important to remember that …

A key aspect of this effort which should not be overlooked is …

As such …

It is our intention to …

Just start your sentence

Readability = 13

A critical factor which should not be

overlooked is our experience and

expertise developing holistic solutions

for the Roswell base.

Readability = 4

We have experience working at the

Roswell base.

REWORK NOUN PHRASES

INSTEAD OF

Underground mine worker safety protection procedures development

INSTEAD OF

Developing procedures

INSTEAD OF

Developing procedures to protect the safety

INSTEAD OF

Developing procedures to protect the safetyof workers

INSTEAD OF

Developing procedures to protect the safetyof workers in underground mines

16th → 9th

High‐tempo operational equipment distribution is a strength of our plan.

High‐tempo distribution

High‐tempo distribution of operational equipment

High‐tempo distribution of operational equipment is a strength of our plan.

13th → 12th

In Appendix A, we share our latest tax reform proposals white paper from an accountant’s practical viewpoint.

In Appendix A, we share our latest white paper.

In Appendix A, we share our latest tax reform proposals white paper from an accountant’s practical viewpoint.

In Appendix A, we share our latest white paper.

It discusses tax reform proposals from an accountant’s practical viewpoint.

11th → 8th

3. SHORTEN SENTENCES

Readability goals Ideal average

sentence length

= 14 words

From working at Apple computers to managing digital

networking for grassroots activism to supporting

information operations during Operation Iraqi

Freedom, this is a truly dynamic team that is poised to

meet the tasks and deliverables of this PWS and ensure

optimal support to the DOD long in the future.

= 50 words

ONE SENTENCES = ONE IDEA

The scope of work performed under this DO

The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool,

The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools,

The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis

The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment

The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides on-demand access for users through services and applications,

The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides on-demand access for users through services and applications, to enable use via a web interface,

The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides on-demand access for users through services and applications, to enable use via a web interface, through the use of new and existing web services

The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides on-demand access for users through services and applications, to enable use via a web interface, through the use of new and existing web services, while maintaining analytic momentum.

Our overarching approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture centers on the integration of cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle, with an emphasis on the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation to ensure cybersecurity is a fundamental element of the design.

Our approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture integrates cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle.

Our approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture integrates cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle. We emphasize the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation.

Our approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture integrates cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle. We emphasize the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation. This ensures that cybersecurity is a fundamental element of the design.

33rd → 18th

Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals established and take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard to ensure we meet client goals.

Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals.

Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals. He will also take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard.

Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals. He will also take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard. This will ensure we also meet client goals. 15th → 6th

TURN NARRATIVE INTO CHUNKS

Readability = 27.5

Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a

customer’s credit, quickly source the needed products

within the company’s global inventory, and ensure that

the products are shipped to the customer on time,

without having to “correct” a customer order when the

day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch of

printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.

the products are shipped to the customer on time,

without having to “correct” a customer order when

the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch of

printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.

Readability = 16.5

the products are shipped to the customer on time.

They no longer must “correct” a customer order when

the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch

of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.

the products are shipped to the customer on time.

They no longer must “correct” a customer order when

the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch

of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.

Readability = 11

Klinger sales representatives can:

instantly check a customer’s credit,

quickly source the needed products within the company’s global inventory, and

ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time.

They no longer must “correct” a customer order when the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.

Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a customer’s credit, quickly source the needed products within the company’s global inventory, and ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time, without having to “correct” a customer order when the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.

Klinger sales representatives can:

instantly check a customer’s credit,

quickly source the needed products within the company’s global inventory, and

ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time.

They no longer must “correct” a customer order when the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.

27.5 11

Readability = 19.3

A provider‐based clinic model dictates that

outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices

of the larger medical entity, which reduces overhead

for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a separate

facility fee to be billed – this holds strong revenue

potential for the medical center; in turn, the

outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital

privileges and integrated medical records with the

main health system.

Readability = 18.3

Benefits of a Provider‐Based Clinic Model

In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under

the auspices of the larger medical entity, which reduces

overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a

separate facility fee to be billed – this holds strong

revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the

privileges and integrated medical records with the main

health system.

the auspices of the larger medical entity, which

reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic while

allowing for a separate facility fee to be billed – this

holds strong revenue potential for the medical center;

in turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have

hospital privileges and integrated medical records with

the main health system.

Readability = 14.3

the auspices of the larger medical entity. This reduces

privileges and integrated medical records with the

main health system.

the auspices of the larger medical entity. This reduces

privileges and integrated medical records with the main

health system.

Readability = 12.4

In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity.

This reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic

It allows for a separate facility fee to be billed – this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center

In turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges

It would also have integrated medical records with the main health system.

In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity.

This reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic

It allows for a separate facility fee to be billed – this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center

In turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges

It would also have integrated medical records with the main health system.

Readability = 10.5

Provider‐Based Clinical Model

In this model, an outpatient facility operates as part of a larger hospital. This has several benefits:

Reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic

Increases revenue for the hospital, which can bill the outpatient clinic a “facility fee”

Provides hospital privileges to outpatient doctors

Integrates medical records at the clinic and the hospital.

A provider‐based clinic model dictates that outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity, which reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a separate facility fee to be billed – this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges and integrated medical records with the main health system.

Provider‐Based Clinical Model

In this model, an outpatient facility operates as part of a larger hospital.

This has several benefits:

Reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic

Increases revenue for the hospital, which can bill the outpatient clinic a “facility fee”

Provides hospital privileges to outpatient doctors

Integrates medical records at the clinic and the hospital.

Readability 19.3 10.5

SHORTEN PARAGRAPHS

And add guideposts

When it comes to joint ownership of IP, equal isn’t always fair.

More owners means more red tape.

Collaboration doesn’t always mean cooperation.

Joint ownership can be a barrier to licensing.

The solution: Be clear about terms

Good subheads …

• Help tell your story

• Provide visual “guideposts” to help readers navigate the text

• Allow a reader to skim — and still get your message

MAKE IT VISUAL

We shove a lot of text on our pages!

Where to focus?

We do the same thing with our proposals

But what if we didn’t?

Descriptive head & deck

Scannablesubheads

Easy‐to‐find benefits

Graphics

White space

TOOLS FOR MEASURING READABILITY

Microsoft Word

Visible Thread

Hemingway Editor

Visible Thread

Hemingway

WHY IT’S IMPORTANT

U.S. literacy sucks

11th grade level

97% of U.S. adults won’t understand

Source: U.S. Department of Education 2012 Adult Literacy Survey

Our attention is dropping

12 seconds

8.25 seconds

Source: 2015 Microsoft survey of Canadian media consumption

ReviewerScore

Proposal 1 4845

Proposal 2 4835

Proposal 3 3790

Proposal 4 3345

ReviewerScore

Numberof Words

Proposal 1 4845 330

Proposal 2 4835 1,867

Proposal 3 3790

Proposal 4 3345

ReviewerScore

Numberof Words

FleschReadability

Proposal 1 4845 330 40

Proposal 2 4835 1,867 26

Proposal 3 3790

Proposal 4 3345

ReviewerScore

Numberof Words

FleschReadability

Average Sentence Length

Proposal 1 4845 330 40 8 words

Proposal 2 4835 1,867 26 21 words

Proposal 3 3790

Proposal 4 3345

Source: City of Albuquerque Case Study: Is poor readability killing your exec summary? Visible Thread website, accessed July 25, 2016.

Create readable text

Flesch‐Kinkaid grade level = 5th–9th

Flesch Reading Ease ≥ 60

Sentence length ≤ 14

That’s visually accessible

Fleschreading ease

≥ 60

F‐K grade level 5th–9th

Sentence length≤14

How to get there

Shorten and simplify words

Shorten and simplify sentences

Watch for nounification and passive voice

Prioritize visual readability

How to measure

Microsoft Word readability stats

Visible Thread Clear Language meter

Hemingway Editor

Contact me with questions!

SAMANTHA ENSLENDragonfly Editorial

sam@dragonflyeditorial.com

937‐216‐9323

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