seek first to understand, then be understood

Seek First To Understand, Then Be UnderstoodHabit 5

The deepest need of the human heart is to be

understood.

Communication is…

• Understanding between people• An interdependent process• Not necessarily agreement• Constant. You cannot NOT communicate.

We constantly give and receive communications.

5 Poor Communication Styles

- Most of us don’t know how to listen properly or effectively.

1. Spacing Out

2. Pretend Listening

3. Selective Listening

4. Word Listening

5. Self-Centered Listening (three types)

1. Spacing Out

• Caught up in our own thoughts so we end up ignoring what the other person is saying.

2. Pretend Listening

• Aren’t paying much attention but we pretend to by making noise at key junctures.

3. Selective Listening

• Paying attention to only part of the conversation that interests us.

4. Word Listening

• We pay attention to what someone is saying but we pay attention only to the words and not the non-verbal communication.

Three Kinds of Self-Centered Listening

1. Advising

• When we give unsolicited advice drawn from our own experience.

2. Judging

• Instead of listening to what the other person is saying, we make judgments about them in the back of our minds.

Judging

Friend: I met a guy last night.

Me: That’s awesome! (Oh, brother. I bet he’s just like the last one. A big ol’ loser. Why does she do this to herself. I bet she met him at that same seedy bar she always goes to.) Where’d you meet him?

Friend…. (I bet she was wearing something unflattering, too.)

Me: What did you wear, girl! Gimme all the deets.

Probing

• When you try to dig up emotions before people are ready to share them.

• Parent/Child• Romantic relationships• Friends

ProbingFriend: I met a guy.

Me: What? When were you going to tell me?

Friend: It’s new and I didn’t want to say anything yet.

Me: So tell me about him, girl!

Friend: He’s nice.

Me: Where’d you meet?

Friend: Work.

Me: Does he treat you like the last one because, girl, I swear I will make him wish….

Friend: Just stop, all right? It’s new. We’re trying things out.

Me: Okay (pauses a beat.) So have you kissed him yet?

Friend: Seriously? Drop it. Please.

Seek First To Understand, Then Be UnderstoodHabit 5

Recap…

5 Poor Communication Styles

1. Spacing Out

2. Pretend Listening

3. Selective Listening

4. Word Listening

5. Self-Centered Listening (three types)

Unselfish Listening• Genuinely interested in what the other

person is saying and feeling.• Empathy

THE GOAL:

Principles of Communication

• People are not mind readers

• People judge you by your behavior, not your intent

• Successful communication is dependent on what is heard not what is said.

How We Communicate

1. What people can see

2. What they hear

3. What we actually say

It’s not just about words

• Face to face:– Verbal 7%– Body language 55%– Vocal (tone) 40%

• Phone– Words (verbal) 12%– Vocal (tone) 87%– Body Language 1% (smile when you talk)

7%

55%

40%

Communication

WordsBody LanguageTone

To hear what other people are really saying, you

need to listen to what they are not saying.

Mirroring vs. Mimicking

Mimicking:- What your younger siblings do to irritate

you.

Mirroring:- Repeating back in your own words what

the other person is saying and feeling.

Your Voice Quality (Tone)

• Take deep, expansive breaths. Naturally, many of us breathe shallowly, this can cause the voice to sound thin and weak.

• Deeper voices have more credibility than higher pitched voices; practice speaking in a slightly lower octave.

• Enunciate so you are clearly understood the first time.

• Smile and gesture when you talk.

Enunciation Exercises

• Open and close mouth easily as you repeat:  Fah Fah Fah Fah Blah Blah

• Loosening your jaw: Sah Kah She Fah RahPah Kah She Fah RahWah Kah She Fah RahBaj Kah She Fah RahDah Kah She Fah Rah

• Loosening your lips: www www www bbb bbb bbb wbw wbw wbw

Enunciation ExercisesPhrases for precise articulation:

• The tip of the tongue, the teeth, and the lips

• We'll weather the weather whatever the weather whether we like it or not

• Red leather, yellow leather• Can I cook a proper cup of coffee in a

copper coffee pot?• Unique New York, Unique New York

Seek First To Understand, Then Be UnderstoodHabit 5

Non Verbal Communication

• Eye contact• Facial expression• Tone of voice • Posture and gesture• Touch• Intensity• Timing and pace• Sounds

A Proper Handshake

• Firm…. No limp fish hands. Ick.• …but not too hard. You’re not trying to

crush the other person’s hand.• No “lady fingers”. This isn’t your cotillion.

Grip palm to palm. • Look them in the eye, not at their hand. • Smile.

Activity

1. Choose a partner.

2. Look them in the eyes, without speaking, for thirty seconds.

How many were uncomfortable? Why?

Is there ever a time where prolonged eye contact appropriate?

Evaluating Body Language

Evaluating Body Language

Mirroring posture

Evaluating Body Language

Evaluating Body Language

…Then seek to be understood

• Now that you can listen, you need to be able to communicate ideas effectively

• The best leaders are the ones who can clearly communicate their visions.

I-Statements vs. You-Statements

• You statements are accusatory in nature and will automatically put the listening party on the defensive.– You forgot to take out the trash. – You didn’t text me back last night. – You are always interrupting me.

I-Statements vs. You-Statements

• I-statements focus on what you feel about someone’s behavior and simply state a problem, without blaming someone for it.

• This makes it easier for the other person to help solve the problem, without having to admit that they were wrong.

I-Statements vs. You-Statements

• I-messages usually contain four elements: (1) How I feel about the behavior and

its effects(2) A description of the behavior, what

actually happened(3) The actual, concrete, tangible

effects of that behavior on you(4) The behavior you would prefer

I-Statements vs. You-Statements

• Another way they can be expressed is like this:I feel _________________ (express your feeling) when you _____________ (describe the action that affects you or relates to the feeling) because _______________ (explain how the action affects you or relates to the feeling).

Rephrase with I-Message

• You forgot to take out the trash. • You didn’t text me back last night. • You are always interrupting me.

I feel (express your feeling) when you (describe the action that affects you or relates to the feeling) because (explain how the action affects you or relates to the feeling).

Leadership Connection

Why is effective communication (listening and speaking) a quality of

a good leader?

Listening Activity

• Get with a partner and sit with your back to each other. Choose who will be A and who will be B.

• Partner A –draw simple stick figures on each piece of paper. They can be different.

• Partner A –give instructions to Partner B on how to replicate one of your drawings. ONLY Partner A can speak.

• Partner B may now ask yes-no questions.• Partner A and B may speak freely for the third

drawing.

1. Describe what it was like to be partner A or partner B. When you're part of a different team, which person do you most frequently feel like - A or B? How does this role work for you? What would you change?

2. Each time you attempted to accomplish the task, you needed to rely on different communication skills. Explain what you dealt with as partners during each of the different attempts.

3. What happens to relationships in a group when one person has more information than others? How can members of a group deal with this type of situation?

4. Can you think of some real-life situations where you were trying to solve a problem but didn't have all the information you needed? What would have changed in that situation if you had received more information or if others had communicated more clearly with you while you tried to solve the problem?

5. What happens when one person in your group has a specific goal in mind but can't clearly communicate it to the group? How can your group improve the way information is communicated to everyone involved?

In Class Assignment

• Read the two articles on listening and leadership.

• Based on those two articles and our class discussions, write a one page response to the question: Why is effective communication (listening and speaking) a quality of a good leader? be sure to include examples from the articles to support your thesis.