the beer geek handbook : living a life ruled by beer

Thisbookisdedicatedtocraftbrewerseverywhere—particularlythosewhomakereallyrare,barrel-agedbeer.

Contents

Introduction

Chapter1:BeerGeeks:AnIntroduction

TheGeekandtheSnob

TheBeerGeekTenCommandments

Quiz1:TheBeerMenu

BeerDrinkersCommonlyConfusedwithBeerGeeks

Quiz2:AreYouaBeerGeek?

Chapter2:Beer:TheRootofallBeerGeekery

TheIdealBeer

TheImportanceofKnowing(andIgnoring)BeerStyles

BeerTypes:TheGood,TheBad,TheTrendy

Glassware:AlwaysaProperVessel

ServingTemperature:MaximizingaBeer’sProfile

One-offs:TheUltimateAttraction

DONGs!:TheExclusiveDraft-Only,No-GrowlerBeers

BewaretheCollaborationBrew

BeerCocktails:TheScourgeofBeerdom

Chapter3:Breweries:TheExclusiveClub

FormulaforCool

Quiz3:TheBeerGeekFormula

TheClassics:PioneersoftheGeekFrontier

Has-Beens,Sellouts,andOtherGarbage

CultBreweries:ThePinnaclesoftheBrewingWorld

Quiz4:AreYouaFanboy/girl?

TheBeerGeekHallofFame

StayingCurrent:InternetForums

Chapter4:Procurement:TheBeerandOtherGeekyGoods

LiquorStoresandTheirBeerGuys:TypesandStrengths

StraightfromtheBrewery:FillingGrowlersandtheLike

OnlineBeerSales:ALastResort

BeerTrading:TheDarkandWindingPathtoBankruptcy

TheValueofBeer:LearningtoRecognize(andDisregard)the$/oz.andOtherMetrics

Brewerania:Coasters,Signs,andOtherJunk

BeerGeekEssentials

Chapter5:Drinking:Where&How

Bars:TypesandStrengths

BreweryTaproomsandTours:YetAnotherMashTun

Restaurants:DrinkingBeerwiththeKiddos

TheBasicsofBeerandFoodPairing

BeerFestivals:GeekingAmidsttheDebauchery

HostingaBeerTasting...withStyleandGrace

Chapter6:TheBeercation:SeekingtheSource

Belgium:TheMotherland

Germany:TheFatherland

ThePacificNorthwest:Beerlandia

Colorado:TheNapaValleyofBeer

California:BeachesandBrews

NewEngland:LeafPeepingandBeerDrinking

BeerymoonsandBeerGeekWeddings:ConsummatingYourGeekiness

PatienceisaVirtue:BeingtheSpouse/SignificantOtherofaBeerGeek

TheBeerGeekDictionary

CommonlyMispronouncedBeerNamesandTerms

MoreBooksforBeerGeeks

Copyright

ShareYourExperience!

BeerGeekInitiation

Thenaturalpathforeverygluten-tolerantadultshouldleadthemtofallinginlovewithbeer.Thiswonderfulresultofhops,malt,yeast,andwatercanproducesomeoflife’sfinestsensorypleasures,floodingthebrain,tongue,andolfactorysystemwithwavesofenjoyment.Fordecades,however,themakersofwatered-downfactorylagersslowlybrainwashedthegeneralpublicintothinkingthatbeerwasjustacheap,semi-palatablewayforthemasses

toachievedrunkenness.Fortunately, that time has passed, and a new era, full of

discovery, creativity, and excitement, has dawned over thisincredible beverage. There is no better time than the present toexploreandenjoybeer,andanybodywithafunctioningliverwoulddothemselvesadisservicenottotakethefirststepsofthejourneytobecomingafull-fledgedBeerGeek.

Within these pages lies all youneed to be safely guided downthepathofenlightenment.Eventhemostveteranbeerconnoisseurwillfindvaluableknowledgehere:howtoflawlesslypulloffabeertasting,talkshopwiththeworstofbeeryknow-it-alls,understandthe proper etiquette of bottle shares, gracefully correctuninformedbartenders,andmore—allinsingle-servingportionssoyoucantakeitinwithoutgettingtipsy.Mostimportantly,you’llbeabletopulloffallofthiswhilecomingacrossasanactivistforbeer,ratherthanasnob.

Sostopbeingintimidatedbytheburgeoningbeerscenesimplybecause you don’t know what a firkin is or how to pronouncegueuze.WhileallBeerGeeksgivethe impressionofbeingweaned

on imperial stouts, their first (andmany subsequent) beers werealmost certainly of the “lite” variety too.We all have to learn towade into the deep end . . . and you nowhold in your hands theperfectfloatie.

C H A P T E R 1BetterGeeks:AnIntroduction

ToaBeerGeek,beerisnotsimplysomethingtodrink,butalifestyle.Justastennisplayerswouldneverconsidertheirsportsimplyexercise,orsports-carbuffsviewaFerrariasmeretransportation,BeerGeeksseebeernotasameanstogetdrunkbutassomethingtobeanalyzed,researched,discussed,photographed,cataloged,andthen,finally,

consumed(seethe ).Beerbooksfilltheirshelves,rareglasswareisdisplayed

proudly,andpenniesarepinchedtosaveupforatriptoBelgium.

While your Uncle Roy can immediately tell you that his favoritebeer isBudLight,whenasked thesamequestionaBeerGeekwillstruggle, asking qualifiers like country of origin, applicableweather,hopcontent,andsessionabilitybeforeeventuallysettlingon 12 definitive answers with an accompanying flow chart. Beerseepsintoallaspectsoflife,resultingindogsnamedHunahpuandchildrennamedSimcoe.

BeerGeeksbyRegion

PacificNorthwesternBeerGeek

Whether it’s fellingtimberorslayingwhales (rarebeers), theJacksandJillsofthePacNWalwaysbringit.

firstBeerGeekCommandment

MidwesternBeerGeek

ThemidwesternBeerGeekknowsthevalueofhardworkandusesittopromotetheregion’sbrewstoepicproportions.

SouthernBeerGeek

The fearless southern Beer Geek would wrestle an alligatorforthatrareone-offDIPA.

NewEnglandBeerGeek

Thishardysortsurvivesthebrutalnor’easterswiththehelpoftheregion’sjuicy,tropicalIPAs.

RockyMountainBeerGeek

Aftershredding theslopes,only the finestsessionbeerswilldoforthisoutdoorsybreed.

CaliforniaBeerGeek

This relaxed, ocean-loving variety is particularly adept atwhalespotting(anddrinking).

TheGeekandtheSnobItisimportanttounderstandthatnotallwhoobsessoverbeerareBeerGeeks.Afinebutdefinitivelineexistsinthebeeryarenathatseparates the Beer Geeks from the Beer Snobs.While Beer Geekswill give the impression of knowing all (and not recalling a timewhentheydidn’t),theydon’tgloatorimposetheirknowledgelikeBeer Snobs do. Information is given gladly, but never in acondescendingfashion.

Additionally, although the world of beer certainly has itsspecializedlingo(see ),whenaBeerSnobtries to impress theuninitiatedwithhighfalutin language it onlyservestoisolate.BeerGeeks,ontheotherhand,learntoeffortlesslytailortheirvocabularytothegeekinesslevelofthepersontowhomtheyarespeaking.Forexample,ifyouaskedveteranBeerGeeksiftheywanted a pour of “CBS,” theywould immediately know thatyou are referring to Founder’s Brewing Breakfast Stout that has

been aged inusedmaple syrupbourbonbarrels. If asking anon–Beer Geek the same question, you’d instead simply ask if theywantedtotrya“strongstout.”ABeerGeekisawarethatthebeerwillspeakforitself.Ifthenon–BeerGeekenjoysit(andtheydamnwellbetter—itisCBSforcryingoutloud),aBeerGeekwillusetheopportunity to explain that it was aged in whiskey barrels, howthatlendsavanilla-likepresence,andsoon.

ToaBeerGeek,themorebeeractivismintheworld,thebetteraplaceitwillbe.

To a Beer Snob, beer knowledge is something to be hoarded, andpulledoutonlytoputanewbieinhisplace.ABeerGeekusesthatsameknowledgetoshowtheuninitiatedthelight.

This all stems from a shared understanding within the BeerGeekcommunity.Call ita listofcommandments, ifyouwill.Thisvalue system of sorts is something of an unspoken code, neverreally discussed but rather absorbed through interaction withfellow Beer Geeks, internet forums, and the like. Veteran BeerGeeks would have a hard time verbalizing them if pressed, butthesetenetsaresecondnature,likealwaysservingabarleywineinasnifter.

TheBeerGeekTenCommandments

Beerissomethingtobeunderstood,appreciated,andanalyzed,notjustameans

togetdrunk.

Anintimateunderstandingof thevariousstylesofbeer isamustforallBeerGeeks.Beforeevendrinkingabeer,theyalreadyhaveacertain amount of knowledge that allows them to develop anexpectation from which they can more deeply analyze the beer.When drinking, the aroma and taste of a beer are evaluatedconstantly, but not without pleasure. Their breadth of expertiseandexperiencewouldallowthemtoeasilywritea500-wordreviewof a 1-ounce sample of beer. Taking tasting notes at a bar is anormalthing.Withoutthinkingitodd,aBeerGeekusestheterms

horseblanketandcobwebswhendescribingabeer.

ABeerGeekseesitashisdutyto(tastefully)informtheworldaboutthejoysofbeer.

WhileBeerGeeksmaytakeprideintheirskillandproficiency,theyaren’tapttoflauntit.Instead,theyparsewisdomwhennecessaryto correct a situation (suchas a barusing frozenmugs), orwhentheyseeanopportunitytoencourageaburgeoningbeerlover.It’snot unusual for them to be mistaken as an employee at theirfavoriteliquorstore,oreventohavethestore’sbeerbuyerasktheiradvice. An act as simple as stopping a guy from buying bottledHeineken—and lettinghimknow that the canned versionwon’thavethedreaded“skunky”flavor—mightverywellbringanotherconvertintotheranksofBeerGeek.

ABeerGeekisnotcheap,atleastwhenitcomestobeer.

Unfortunately, good beer often comes at a premium, and somedegree of disposable income is required to fully revel in the BeerGeek lifestyle. If circumstances dictate that your disposableincome has to come from eating ramen alongside your vintageCantillongueuze,sobe it.ABeerGeekhassurelyhadat leastonethree-digit liquor storepurchase andhasprobablyused thewordbargainwhendescribingcertainbeersovertwentydollars.Moneyisstillusedwisely, though,andmetrics likedollars-per-ounceareappliedwhenconsideringbeerpurchases.

ABeerGeekunderstandsbrewingtechniques.

To properly evaluate the end product, a Beer Geek relies on hisunderstanding of the various processes used to create beer. Forexample, knowing the difference between a turbid and a singleinfusionmashenablesonetorecognizethattheformerwillretaina superior mouthfeel if cellared. And if that sentence made nosense,beyondmakingyouchuckleatthewordmouthfeel,havenofear;we’llmakeaBeerGeekoutofyouyet.

ABeerGeeksharesherbeerfreely,regardlessofitsrarityorheraudience.

WhileBeerGeeksarecertainlyenticedbytherarityofabottle,theyalso understand that it’s a product that ultimately begs to beenjoyed. The Beer Geek community is one of sharing andgenerosity, where bottle shares are common and nothing (well,except for that one bottle . . . ) is held back. In the spirit ofconvertingtheenthusiastic,BeerGeekswillhappilyopenawhaleforthosewhomightappreciateit.

ABeerGeekhasabeercellar.

Whether it’s thecrisperdrawerofarefrigeratorora2,000-bottleoffsite storage unit, a Beer Geek recognizes that beer is a time-sensitiveproductthatsometimesrequiresamonthoradecadetomature. Potential domiciles are carefully evaluated for their beerstorageandtemperaturecontrolcapabilities.

ABeerGeek’stravelplansrevolvearoundbeer.

Beer-centric vacations (beercations) — focused on visitingbreweries,bars,andgeneralregionsthatspecializeinsought-afterbeer — are the norm. Beer is always brought back for in-homeconsumptionand sharing, andaBeerGeek is intimately familiarwithanairline’sbaggagepolicy.Tofacilitatehotel-roomquaffing(and expand drinking time), a Beer Geek typically travels with atulipglass.

-VIII-

ABeerGeekispartofthelocalbeercommunity.

There is a social aspect to being a Beer Geek. Attending tastings,frequenting brewery taprooms, camping outside of liquor stores,

etc. not only permit a Beer Geek to stay in the loop of localhappenings,butalsoprovideopportunities toshareknowledgeofthelatestbeerynews.Inevitably,aBeerGeek’scircleoffriendswillbemadeupoffellowBeerGeeks.

ABeerGeekhasavastunderstandingofregionaldistributionsystems.

BuddingBeerGeeksquicklyrealizethatthebestandmost-desiredbeer happens to be that which is not distributed to one’s homestate. It is essential thatBeerGeeks knowwhichbreweries are intheir local beer distribution system, but also the distributionportfolioofotherareassotheycanbestdeterminehowtoacquirethatmust-havebeer.

ABeerGeekkeepsuponthepulseofthebeerscene.

Thecraftbeerscenechangesrapidly,andonemuststayvigilanttokeep informed. In addition to being locally involved, a BeerGeekregularly cruises internet beer forums, follows breweries’ socialmediafeeds,maintainsbeermagazinesubscriptions,andreadsthelatest beer books. Amonth or two out of touchwill cause a BeerGeek to miss out on limited releases or epic tappings, causing adownwardspiralthatwillsurelyleadtomiseryanddesolation.

Q U I Z # 1TheBeerMenu

While Beer Geeks love their brews, they’re also stewards ofthecraftand,assuch,havearesponsibilitytoenlightenthoseless fortunate than themselves. The following scenarios aredesigned to help clarify some of the finer points of BeerGeekerywhenitcomestointeractingwithnon-geeks.

1.You’reonyourwaytoaballgamewithsomefriends.Afterparkingamile away inaneffort to savea couplebucks, youdecide to pop into a neighborhood pub for a quick round.Saddling up to the bar, you’re confrontedwith the following.Whichdoyouchoose?

a. Some“lite”beer,thebestlow-caloriehorsepissadvertisingcanbrainwashyoutobuy.

b. Corona,thebeerthatrequirestheadditionofmouth-puckeringcitrustobecomeevensemi-palatable.

c. BottledHeineken;skunkinessisagoodthing,right?

d. Politelydeclineandaskforwater.

2.YourfriendisthrowingabigBBQbashforhisbirthday.Youshowupandafteryouhandthehosthisgift,hepopsopenthecoolerandaskswhatyou’dliketodrink.Withaquicksurveyofthefollowing,whichdoyouchoose?

a. PBR,thehost’sfavorite.

b. KeystoneLight,hissecondfavorite.

c. Fosters,hisattemptatpleasingtheBeerGeeks.

d. Politelydeclineandaskforwater.

3.You’reheadingtoyourannualfamilyget-togetherandyouraunthasaskedeveryonetobringbeerorwinetoshare.Afterswingingbyyourfavoritebottleshop,whatsix-packisbuckledsafelyintoyourdedicatedbeercarseat?

a. RollingRock;itmaytastelikecannedcornjuice,butyourunclesloveit.

b. SierraNevadaPaleAle,thehoppyyetbalancedclassic.

c. NewBelgiumRampant;iftheydon’tlikethis85IBUbruiserofadoubleIPA,moreforyou!

d. AllagashWhite;fruity,wheaty,withahintofspice,thesegodowndangerouslyeasy.

Answers

1. D,orevenbetter,orderabourbon(it’sjustasuper-concentratedoak-agedbarleywine,afterall).ABeerGeekwon’twastetheirhard-earnedcashonapintofsomethingtheydon’tlike.Plus,bycivillydecliningtheirbeerchoices,aBeerGeekissubtlyencouragingthebartoexpandtheiroptions,potentiallyaidingthenextBeerGeekwhohappenstowalkin.

2. A,B,orC;chooseyourpoison.Whileyoucancertainlysendamessagewhenspendingyourownmoney,it’sentirelyinappropriatetodothesamewhenbeinghostedatsomeone’splace.BeaBeerGeek,notaBeerSnob.Afterall,yourhostlikelyknowsyou’recrazyaboutbeerandwillbeembarrassedifyouoptforanythingelse.

3. B&D.Therewasatimewhenevenyouhadn’tseenthelight.Lookatthisasanopportunitytopayitforwardand

educateyourfamilywithsomegreat“gateway”craftbeers.PairingtheSierraNevada’sspicyyetsensiblehoppinesswithsomefoodorenjoyingtheintriguingyetpleasingflavorprofileoftheAllagashWhitemightjustconvinceyourcousinLarrytoditchtheLime-A-Rita.

Todownloadaprintableversion,goto

BeerDrinkersCommonlyConfusedwithBeerGeeks

BeerGeeksdon’t typically fit into an easily recognizablemold, atleastnotinaphysicalsense.Theycomeinskinny,rotund,old,andyoung.OutsideofaTopplingGoliathshirtoraBREW OR DIE tattoo,there are not many ways to pick them out of a crowd. Instead,behavioral cues based on the BeerGeek TenCommandmentswilltipyouofftoaperson’saffinityforfancysuds.

Unsurprisingly, the non–BeerGeek populous oftenmistakenlythinks that anybody who drinks great amounts of craft beer isautomaticallyaBeerGeek.Meettheusualsuspects...

CraftDrunk.Knowledgeableaboutcraftbeer,particularlywhenitcomestohigh-ABVbruisers.Anexpertontheexpectedamountofalcohol in beerswith names that include “double,” “imperial,” or“extreme.”Considersanentirebomberasinglebeerandisthelifeofthebeertasting.

Ticker.Ifitain’trare,itdoesn’texist.TheTicker’sonlydesireistoobtain and display themost hyped, rare beer. Once the beer hasbeen drunk, there is no point in ever trying it again (hence thename,asthebeerhasbeen“ticked”offalist).Frequentlypostsbeer“haul” photos on socialmedia sites andmakes snide remarks onbeer tradingwebsites.Hasnever drunk a SierraNevada PaleAle.Also,oftenaGlassSnob(see ).Glassware:AlwaysaProperVessel

The Old Guy.Fell in lovewith craft beer during the ’90s breweryboom and still refers to all craft beer as either “microbrews” or“imports.” Avoids overly hoppy or funky beers but has a deepappreciation for the Euro classics. Has a best friendwho used toownorworkat abrewery,usuallyCharliePapazianor LarryBell.Often seen at chain brewpubs drinking mugs of kolsch andwearingaPete’sWickedAleT-shirt.

TheFoodie.Hasaprofoundloveofculinaryadjectives.Doesnoteatvanilla pudding but rather French-made, hand-curdledblancmange made from heirloom miniature Dutch cow milk.Appliessamegustotobeers.Asksunsuspectingserversingredient-

sourcingquestionssuchasDidtheyusewholeleafhibiscusinthissaison? Is the coffee in this stout shade-grown?Tellmeabout theupbringingoftheseNewZealandhops...

Beer Hipster. Longing for nostalgia (and broke from buyinghundred-dollar hand-stenciled neck scarves), the average hipsteroften opts for retro-labeled canned adjunct lagers (perhaps notknowing they’re just rebranded and brewed by industrialconglomerates). Identified by their combination of a waxedmoustache and an affinity for beers or breweries with literarynames(preferablynineteenth-centuryRussianauthors).

GranolaJunkie.Lovesmountain-centricactivities(hiking,skiing,-biking) and beer. Opts for breweries that have at least onecollaboration beer with a musician whose apparel portfolioincludes tie-dye (preferably a bluegrass or jam band musician).Prefers low-ABV, balanced beers that lend themselves to activity-basedimbibing.

Q U I Z # 2AreYouaBeerGeek?

Checkyesornotoindicatewhetherthefollowingapplytoyou.TotalyouryesresponsestoseehowmuchofaBeerGeekyoualreadyare.

YES NO Haveyouever...

❏ ❏ 1.beencaughtswirlingandsniffingaglassoftapwaterpriortodrinkingit

❏ ❏ 2.broughtyourownglasstoabeertasting?

❏ ❏ 3.transferredyourbeerfromapintglasstoawineglasswhileatabar?

❏ ❏ 4.providedbeersuggestionstoastrangerataliquorstore?

❏ ❏ 5.hadaliquorstoresetbeerasideforyouwithoutasking?

❏ ❏ 6.beenonabeercation?

❏ ❏ 7.flownSouthwestpurelybecauseoftheir“twofreebags”policy(bothofyourswerecasesofbeer)?

❏ ❏ 8.campedoutsideabreweryorliquorstore?

❏ ❏ 9.askedwhatvintageabeeris?

❏ ❏ 10.hosteda“cellarcleaning”partyandgenuinelyhopedthatpeopledidn’tbringmorebeer?

❏ ❏ 11.usedthetermbarnyardtodescribeabeeryouenjoyed?

❏ ❏ 12.worntwopairsofpantsontheplanetomakemoreroomforbeerinyourluggage?

❏ ❏ 13.givenacellar-worthybeerasababy-showerpresentwithinstructionsforittobeopenedonthekid’s21stbirthday.

❏ ❏ 14.returnedabeerservedinafrozenglass,alongwithanexplanationofthetemperature-sensitivenatureofaromatichopoilsandyeastesters?

❏ ❏ 15.calledsomeonebytheirBeerAdvocate.comorRateBeer.comusername?

Doyou...

❏ ❏ 16.knowwhoTommeArthuris?

❏ ❏ 17.knowthedifferencebetweenhoppyandbitter?

❏ ❏ 18.haveabeercellar?

❏ ❏ 19.knowwhattheacronymISOstandsfor?

❏ ❏ 20.havethenumberofyourstore’sbeerguysavedinyourphone?

NumberofYesAnswers?

Fewerthan10:Keepreading.

Between11and15:BeerEnthusiast.Almostthere,butkeepreading.

Morethan16:BeerGeek.Youaretobeesteemedandcongratulated.Keepreading.

C H A P T E R 2Beer:TheRootofAllBeerGeekery

It’seasytogetlostinthehooplaofbeertrading,one-offreleases,andbeard-groomingtechniques,butintheend,beingaBeerGeekisreallyaboutadeep,unnaturalloveforbeer.Alovethattranscendsclass,race,andsexandcanonlybecompletelyunderstoodbyotherswhohaveseenthatperfectlyopaque,lightlycarbonatedgoldenlight.

SincethetimeoftheancientSumerians,humanshaveappreciatedtheresultoffermentedbarleyor,aswecallit,beer.Waybackthen,it provided the multiple benefits of sanitizing drinking water,deliveringsustenance,andtakingtheedgeoffaftera longdayofcreating civilization. In short, the world as we know it wouldn’texistifitweren’tforourforebearers’affinityforearthenmugsofale.

Beer has been on a long journey ever since. From the firsthopped beers in the ninth century to the barleywines of 1800sEngland, this sweet nectar has been gradually tweaked tomatchthe tastes and ingredients of different cultures. In the globalizedinformationeraweliveintoday,though,brewersareonlylimitedby their imaginations, and beer drinkers have respondedenthusiastically, to say the least.Beer ismakingastrongcase fortheworld’s drink of choice, andBeerGeeks are banging the rallydrumforalltohear.

TheIdealBeerWhatdoesaBeerGeeklookforinabeer?Thisisacomplexquestiontoanswer, andeveryadoredbeerhasa slightlydifferent story.A

commonsetofcharacteristicsseemstosurfaceamongsuchbeers,however,paintingapictureofwhatittakestobrewBeerGeekgold.

Aroma: A beermust provide an aromatic experience. Beer Geekssavortheirbeerandgetalmostasmuchsatisfactionfromsmellingitasdrinkingit.

Brewer credentials (optional): Most Beer Geeks pride themselvesonbeingabletoappreciateagoodbeerregardlessofitsproducer.However, knowingabeer ismadebya fellowBeerGeekmakes itthatmuchmoreenjoyable.

Mouthfeel: An IPAmaybedelicious and smell like ahop field inbloom,butifithasthebodyofclubsoda,theexperienceisruined.Mouthfeelcompletesthepackage.

Complexity (optional): A Beer Geek may love the simple, acridnatureofacoffeestout.Buttomakeherheartsing,barrel-agethatsamestouttoaddflavorsofvanilla,caramel,andcoconut.

Taste:Abeermusttastegood.

Brewingmethod:BeerGeekspourtheirheartsandsoulsintotheirenjoymentofbeerandexpect thepeoplewhomake it tohave thesame attitude when brewing. Beer Geeks thrive on learning andappreciating the work that goes into their brews, and thereforefrowngreatlyonshortcuts.

Rarity(optional):Abeerdoesn’thavetobedifficulttoacquire,butdamnedifthatdoesn’tmakeeverythingtastebetter.

TheImportanceofKnowing(andIgnoring)BeerStyles

Totrulylovebeer,aBeerGeekneedstoknowbeer,andnotjustthatit’smadefrombarleyandhops.Oneneedstounderstandtheentirespectrum of types and their nuances. For example, a classicmistakeof anoob (a somewhatderogatory term for onewhohasnotreachedBeerGeekdom)istodownplaypilsners,groupingthemallinwiththemass-producedAmericanfactorylagers.ButaBeerGeekknowstheblissthatcancomefromthefloralhopsandcrisp,carbonic bite of aWeihenstephaner Pilsner.A firmknowledge ofthesubtleties thatdifferentiate stylesallowsBeerGeeks to setanexpectation for the beer before tasting it, enabling them tomaximize thequalityof theiranalysisandsubsequentenjoyment(orcritique).

The guidelines for beer styles are laid out and defined by twodifferent governing bodies: the Beer Judge Certification Program(BJCP) and the Brewers Association. These two generally tend toagree, though the BJCP guidelines are typically morecomprehensive while the strength of the Brewers Associationguidelinesisthattheyareupdatedmorefrequentlyandthereforeinclude newly emerging styles (Brett IPAs, for example). For themost part, the guidelines were created for the sake of beercompetitions so that beers could be judged against similarcounterparts,buttheyarealsousedbybrewerswhodesignbeers.

The style guidelines arewritten, reviewed, andmaintained byanassemblyofbeer“experts”(historians,brewers,writers,drunks,etc.) who use their combined wealth of experience to come to aconsensus on what characterizes a specific style of beer. Theguidelines include a description of the expected appearance,

aroma,taste,mouthfeel,andoverallimpressionofthebeer.Alongwiththedescriptions,therearequantifiedspecificslikeIBUrange,finalgravity,color,andABV.Sincetheseguidelinesaredesignedtoaid brewers in designing beers, also included is information ontypical or acceptable ingredients, as well as any historicallysignificant brewing techniques (such as decoction mashing of abock).

WhilenoBeerGeekwillarguetheimportanceofbeingawareofand understanding the guidelines, many will debate theirusefulness. Some say that using them to critique a beer isshortsighted, that they are arbitrary constraints that hampercreativity. The opposing side, the style tyrants, reply that theguidelines are critical, time-tested outlines that lead brewerstowardcreatingtheidealbeer.

Here’s an example: You head to your local brewery and ordertheirBelgianwit.Bydefinition, thebeershouldhaveahoney-likesweetness, peppery phenols, citrusy esters, and little to no hoppresence. This beer has all those things in spades, except it’s gotthis intensetropical fruitinessfrombeingdryhopped,whichyoufinddelicious.Thefactthatitmissesthehoppyaspectofthestyleguidelines does not make it a bad beer — far from it. But styletyrantswoulddis-agreeanddismissitasbeing“nottostyle.”

MostBeerGeeksknowthatthetruthliessomewhereinbetween.Styleguidelinesareviewedasbaseknowledge.Justasachefshouldfirst knowhow to cook a basic pot roast beforeworking on theirbraised,alder-smokedbeefcheekrecipe,brewersshouldlearnhowtobrewtheclassicsbeforelookingtocoloroutsidethelines.

ABeerGeekhasanappreciationforthebasicbeerstylesandcanusethemastoolsforcomparison,butjudgesbeersbasedon

theirmerits,notnecessarilytheir

theirmerits,notnecessarilytheircompliancewiththeguidelines.

What’sinaName?

Probablythebiggestissueconcerningstylesisintheirproperusage (or lackthereof)whennamingabeer.Somebreweriesarereluctanttonoteastyleontheir labelsforonereasonoranother — fear of style tyrants, being too cool to bepigeonholedbysuchthings,etc.—andinsteadtheyusesomerandom nonsensical name. (Evil Twin Brewing is one of theworst offenders. With names like Even More Jesus or Ryanand the Beaster Bunny, it’s anybody’s guess as to whetheryou’rebuyinganimperialstout,anIPA,orthedemotapeofabad ’90s band.) This puts beer consumers in a predicament,not knowing exactlywhat they’re getting intowhenmaking apurchase. Equally bad is finding some suggestion of a style,but it’s too generic, à la Upslope Brewing Company’s CraftLager. This name is quite possibly the most infuriating oneeverconjured,theequivalentofarestaurantmenufeaturingadishcalled“MeatwithanAssortmentofThings.”

Other times, though, a simple style name is not enough. Forexample, if a brewery labels their coffee-infused, tequilabarrel–aged IPA just as an IPA, they’re not being fair to theconsumer.Beerdrinkershavetherighttomoreinformationsotheycanavoidthisbeerwithalltheirbeing.

BeerTypes:TheGood,TheBad,TheTrendy

Again,thefoundationofBeerGeekeryisasolidunderstandingofthebasicbeerstyles.HereisaCliffsNotesversionoftheirgeneralcharacteristicsandcurrentBeerGeekattitudestowardthem:

Light Lager. Often dismissed due to its inclusion of the “lite”American lager, this categoryalso consists of suchgreat beers asthe Munich helles and the Dortmunder export. Sweet, but notcloying,withasubtlehopbitterness,theincredibledrinkabilityofthese two styles proves this is a category to be reckoned with.You’renotaBeerGeekuntilyou’vedrunkaMaß(one-litermug)ofSpatenhelleswhileeatingsomesortoftubedporkmeat.

Pilsner.Madeupof threedifferentvarieties: theGermanpilsner,best known for its dry finish andhighbitternessdue to the localsulfate-rich water; the Czech pilsner, maltier than its GermancousinandwithaspicyhopbitefromthelocalSaazhops;andtheAmericanpilsner,anear-extinctstylethatearlyUSbrewersmadewithcornandAmericanhops—richandhoppy,Budweiserthisisnot.Withnowhereinthisbeerforflawstohide,BeerGeeksrespecttheextremecarebrewershavetotaketocreatethislight,quaffablebrew.

European Amber Lager. Oktoberfest beers for themost part, butalso includes the Vienna lager, a delicatelymalty amberwith anelegant, dry finish. However, with so many bad versions of this

style(ahem,NegraModelo),it’saneasycategorytodumpon.Still,anyone who has had the excellent German-brewed versions ofthese beers realizes there is no better showcase of the kilnedMunichandViennamalts.

Bock.Whilenot ahugely commonorpopular style in theUnitedStates, the intenselymalt-richbocksdeservemoreattention thanthey get. Made bydecoctionmashing (repeatedly boilingwort tokettle-caramelizethemalt),thesebeersareconsideredbymanytobetoosweet,whichisnosurpriseconsideringthemostpopular—theextra-strengthdopplebock—wascreatedtogivesustenancetofastingmonks.WhichleadstothelogicalconclusionofmanyBeerGeeks that one should crack a bottle of Paulaner Salvator everySundaymorningforspiritualguidance.

HybridBeer.Calledhybridbecausetheycouldbemadewitheitheraleorlageryeasts,the“light”beersofthiscategoryincludessuchAmericanbeerstaplesasthewheatandblondeales.NotawholelotforBeerGeekstogetexcitedabout.Theamberhybridsaresimilarbutwitha little roastedmaltand include theGermanaltbierandthecommon(steam)ale.Ingeneral,hybridsareviewedasnothingmorethanBBQbeers.

EnglishPaleAle.ThesearethebeersthatstartedtheUSmicrobrewcrazeandthesamebeersthatnooneseemstocareaboutanymore.They include beers like Fuller’s ESB (Extra Special Bitter) andBoddington’sPubAle.Malty,medium-strength,andmadewithUK-

produced hops, they now come off as a bit flat and unexcitingwhencomparedtotoday’shoppier,cleanerAmericanales.KindoflikeaSegaGenesiscomparedtothePlayStation4.There’ssomefunnostalgiathere,butthere’sreallynogoingback.

ScottishandIrishAle. IncludestraditionalScottishales, Irishredales, and wee heavy ales. Malty, sometimes with a hint of peat,thesebeershavelittletonohoppresence.Thisstemsfromthehightaxation and logistical difficulties involved with importing hopsfromtheUK (theydon’tgrowwell incoolScotland).ThatandtheScottish disdain for all things British. Not terribly popularanymore, except for the wee heavy ale whose bruising strengthspeakstoBeerGeeks’penchantforhighABVbeers.

American Ale. The general category for general styles: Americanpaleale,Americanbrownale, andAmericanamberale.Basically,take the English version of these andmake them cleaner (yeast-wise,withfewerestersandnodiacetyl)andsubstantiallyhoppier.WhilethestyleguidelinesdefinetheexpectedhoppinessandABVofthesebeers,theyarealwayschanging,andusuallyinanupwarddirection. These are the session ales of the Beer Geeks, and theirprofilesareconstantlytweakedtomatchever-changingtastes.

ASessiononSessions

SessionisoneofthemostusedandbelovedadjectivesofaBeerGeek.Thewordisgenerallyusedtodescribeabeerthatcanbeconsumed in relatively large volumes over a long drinkingsession. Session beers are first and foremost low in alcohol.Some say the cutoff is 5% ABV, while others argue 4.5%. (ThisseeminglymenialdifferenceofopinionwillleadsomeBeerGeeks

to come to blows. Beer-fueled passion is an interesting thing.)Thesebeers shouldalsohavea lowamount of residual sugars(think “lite” beer) and a flavor profile that won’t wear out yourpalate.Notoverlybitter,roasted,sour,oranythingelse,theyaregreatbeerstoconsumewhilewatchingsportingevents,BBQing,orsupervisingchildren.

IPA(IndiaPaleAle).FirstcreatedbytheEnglishinthenineteenthcentury, IPAswerebrewedwithmorehopsandhadahigherABVthanthe traditionalpaleales.Thisallowed themtobettersurvivethe long trip to troops stationed in India. Fast-forward to today,and the beers that bear this name have only the slightestresemblance to those initial pioneering ales. Now made withridiculousamountsofhopsandevenmorealcohol,they’vegrownto represent the evolved tastes of theAmerican BeerGeek. Everyfewyearsyou’llfindnewandcreativetakesonthisstyle,withthelatestfueledbytheintenselyfruityexperimentalhopsbeingbredinhoplabsaroundtheworld.Big-timeBeerGeekbeers.

Double IPA. Beer Geeks love IPAs. And in the spirit of Americaningenuity, it follows thatwhatmakes something good (i.e., hops)couldbedoubledtomake itgreat.Double IPAs (DIPAs)havemorehops,moremalts,andmorealcoholthantheirpredecessor.

ThedevelopmentoftheDIPAhasfollowedasimilarpathastheIPA, with an ever-increasing amount of hoppiness andexperimentationwithnewflavorsstemmingfromthenewschoolofexperimentalhops.

IfanIPAwereanSUV,aDIPAwouldbeamonstertruckdrivenbyaderanged,

drunkenKool-AidMan.

German Wheat Beer. Essentially hefeweizens (and their obscuredarker counterparts, the dunkelweizen and weizenbock), thesebeers saw ridiculous extremes in popularity back in the early2000s. A unique flavor combination of banana and cloves alongwith a fluffy body make for a very distinctive beer experience.Particularly popular among sorority girls and Germansheepherders, the German wheat beer is currently in vogue assomething to dislike, but it’s enjoying a quiet resurgence amongpuristBeerGeeks.

BelgianandFrenchAles.AverybroadcategorythatencompassesBelgian wit beer, saison, and bière de garde. From the realm oftraditional Belgian brewers and Americans with a fondness for

using words such as artisanal, rustic, farmhouse, and handmade,these ales are made with unruly yeast strains and a variety ofunusualgrainsandingredients.Whendonecorrectly,thesecanbesomeofthefinestbeersintheworld,givingatalentedbrewertheability to showcaseunique ingredients. For the same reason theyearnhighpraiseintheBeerGeekworld.However,sincethesebeersare notoriously hard to define, many beers that aren’t reallysaisons—butaretooyeastyorturbidtobecalledanythingelse—get a saison label slapped on them and are sold for a premium.Buyerbeware.

Sour Ale. A collection of beers spanning from tart to mouth-puckeringly acidic. Includes the Berliner weisse, a lightly tartGermanwheatbeer;theFlandersredale,afruity,almostwinelike,oak-aged ale; and lambic, the spontaneously fermented, blendedwildBelgianwheatale.Intheearly2010sBeerGeeksdraggedthis

styleup fromtheashes likeaphoenix.Tiredof the limitationsoftraditionalyeastsand their flavors, theyflocked to theseeminglyendless array of flavors that can be derived in these styles. Sourales are sometimesmadewith fruits and are typically brewed insmallbatches,drivingupboththepriceandtheBeerGeek’sheartrate.

American Wild Ale. As Beer Geeks began to discover and obsessover thesourbeersofEurope,USbreweries respondedwith theirownversions.Afterall,mostbrewersareBeerGeeksthemselves.Anewwaveofbeersthatwereoftensourbutsometimesjustalittlefunky (or wild) hit the scene, with very mixed results. This newbreedofalesdidn’tquitefitthemoldofitsEuropeancounterparts.Often, they were made with different ingredients, breweduntraditionally, and inoculated with cultured “wild” yeast (thehorror!).SomeincrediblycreativesouldecidedtheywouldbecalledAmerican Wild Ales, and this worthless moniker has stuck. Thestyle seemingly encompasses any beer from stouts to saisons

brewedwithBrettanomycesyeastorsouringbacteria,andtryingtogroupallofthemintoasinglegenericcategoryhasprovedrathersilly. Regardless, the best in the group have shone through andcapturedaplaceinBeerGeeks’hearts.

Porter.Dark,maltybeerswithroastednotesrangingfromcoffeetochocolate.Consideredabitmoreofanold-school style,portersreceived a popularity boost by Beer Geek darling Hill Farmstead,whoseflagshipbeer,Everett,happenstobeaporter.Thisbrewery,whichwillsetmostBeerGeekstodryhumpingthenearestpieceoffurniture, helped elevate this humble style back into Beer Geekgrace.

Stout.Oftenoneof thegatewaybeers forburgeoningBeerGeekswhoaremostfamiliarwithfizzy,yellowlagers;manyareshockedandstrangelyexcitedaboutdrinkingsomethingsodarkandfullofflavorthatthey’reusedtofindinginacoffeemug.Thereisahugevarietyofstouttypestoo,rangingfromthehoppyAmericanstoutto the dry Irish version, not tomention the powerhouse imperialstout. The intense roasted flavors lend themselves to a variety ofcreativeadditions, suchas coffee, bourbon, vanilla, coconut,hamhocks,andmore,makingitaBeerGeekstaple.

Portervs.Stout

Beergeeksare representativesof thebeerworldand thusareoftenasked thesamequestionsbynon–BeerGeeks.Aclassic -exampleishowaporterandastoutdiffer,sincebotharenear-blackanddominatedbyroastedmaltflavor.Theanswerisnotawhole helluva lot. While beers in the upper end of the stoutspectrumare oftenmore roasted and slightly higher in alcoholthanportersare,thereisagrayareawherebothofthesebeersexist. In fact,many of the beersmade in theUnited States thatare called stouts would really be better described as porters.Since“stout”isaninherentlycoolername,however,itgetsusedmoreoften.

Belgian Strong Ale. Traditionally, Belgians aren’t fond ofcategorizing beers and find American Beer Geeks’ insistence ondoing it somewhere on the border of amusing and annoying. It’sbeenachallenge forBeerGeeks to try todefineBelgianstyles,asthe Belgians seem to create every sort of random, odd beerimaginableandnotfollowmanyrules.Forthisreason,thecategoryencompasses Belgian blondes, dubbels, tripels, and the ever-descriptivestrongBelgiangoldenaleandstrongBelgiandarkale.Averywide range of profiles appearswithin these types.However,seeing as they are almost always high in alcohol, flavor-forward,andmadeinacountryotherthantheUnitedStates,they’vefoundtherecipeforhighpopularityintheBeerGeekscene.

StrongAle.ThedomainofAmericanandEnglishbarleywines,twosomewhat similar beers, with the English beingmoremalty andyeasty and the American version tending to have more hop

bitterness/flavor/aroma. They are very high in alcohol (10–18%ABV),whichnotonlymakes for some intensebeersbutalso suitsthem well for barrel aging and home cellaring — two magicaltermstoaBeerGeek.Veryhighlyregarded.

BeerJudging

Beercompetitionsareeverywhere,andanybeereventworthitssaltusescertifiedbeerjudges(asurprisingnumberuserandombeerdrinkers,anyofwhosepalatemaybeonparwiththatofachain-smokingmonkey).Thetypicalpathtobecomingalegitbeerjudge is togo through theaptlynamedBeerJudgeCertificationProgram, which involves both written and sensory tests. Byexcellingatthosetestsandlogginghoursatcompetitions,judgescanrise through the ranks: firstApprentice, thenCertified, andfinally something like Purple Level III Grand Master (the ranknames seem to be heavily inspired by Dungeons & Dragons).Attainingahigherrankwillearnajudgeashinypinthatshecanlord over lowly apprentice judges who dare contradict herevaluation.

Judging presents a bit of a quandary at first, since you mustjudge a beer not simply on how good it is but also on how itmeasuresupinitsstylecategory.Evenso,beerjudgingcanbeafantastic thing. There is no better process to sharpen andbroaden your palate than to have to write a small essaydescribing a beer. However, a Beer Geek doesn’t lose sight ofenjoyingabeerforwhatitis,thusavoidingthatslipperyslopetobecomingastyletyrant.

Glassware:AlwaysaProperVessel

TheBelgiansdon’t takemuchseriously.Theycertainlycreateandenjoysomeoftheworld’sbestbeers,buttheydon’thaveanultra-solemnattitudeaboutitall.Tothem,whileabeermustbegoodandmustbepairedwiththerightfoodandmood,thevastmajorityofthe population hasn’t reached the point of making it a lifestyle.Which is precisely why it’s peculiar that Belgians are so veryfanaticalabouttheirglassware.

Go to a bar in Brussels and nearly every beer has its owndedicated glass. From a distance, the collection of goblets andtulips is almost overwhelming, making it look more like aWaterfordCrystalmuseumthanwhat it actually is . . . aplace to

look like a fool trying to pronounce gueuze (see).

The legend goes that each beer’s glass has been designed toperfectly complement the nuances of that specific beer. Thecurvature of the glass creates the perfect head retention, thediameter lets in the exact amountof light for the idyllichue, thearcof lipflawlesslyspreadsthebeeracrosstheidealreceptorsonyourtongue,andsoon.Andwhilesomeofthismightbetrue,thefactisthatmuchoftheBelgiumbeerglasssceneisactuallyaboutmarketing. American beer bars have neon signs proclaimingwhat’s being poured, while Belgian bars take the more civilizedapproachofhavingtheirvastarrayofglassesdothework.

WhileBeerGeeksunderstandthatmuchofthehubbubaroundglasswareismarketinghype,theydon’tjumptotheconclusionthatweshouldbebarbariansanddrinkallbeer

outofpintglasses.

No,glasstypeandshape is importanttoBeerGeeks,buthavingaglassforeverysinglebeerisviewedbymostasabitoverthetop.

Thereis,however,auniquefashionistabreedofBeerSnobthathas completely bought into the Belgian marketing glass schemeand places great importance on coordinating its beer with itsperfectoutfit, er, glass.Anybodywho’s spentbeercentric timeonanyofthesocialmediasiteshassurelycomeacrosstheGlassSnob.YoupostapiconlineofanincredibledoubleIPApouredintoyourfavoriteTripelKarmeliettuliponlytogetanimmediatereplyfromyour“friend”(whomyou’veneveractuallymet):“Glasswarefail.Atleastgettherightcountry.”

CanIGetaGlassforThis?

ABeerGeekalwaysdrinkshisbeerfromsomesortofglass,notthebottleorcanitcamein.Whilethetonguecandetectgeneraltastes such as sour, sweet, and bitter, any of the more subtlenuances,suchasfruityhopnotesorspicyBelgianyeastphenols,areactuallybeingpickedupbyyournose.Drinkingstraightfromabottle or can cuts out these nuances, causing beers to comeacrossasboringandone-dimensional.It’salwaysokaytoaskaserver or bartender for a glass if you’re not given one— justdon’tmakeabigdealaboutit.Advocacy,notsnobbery,isthebestpathtospreadingbeeryenlightenment.

KnowYourBeerGlassWhile it may be fun to match the glass and its beer, most BeerGeeks would rather spend the time, space, money, and overallenergy on acquiring actual beer. Instead of being aGlass Snob, aBeer Geek will simply be sure to have the standard collection ofbeer glasses (an assortment of tulips, snifters, andweiss glasses,mostly) and, most importantly, will know how to appropriatelymatch them to a beer. Here is all you need to know about glasstypes:

Tulip. The go-to, all-purpose glass for the Beer Geek. Its bulbousbase captures volatile aromatics while the tapered top displaysimpressive head retention. The lip is the perfect finishing touch,though,asitsoutwardcurvemakesforeasydrinking.Thisisnotasippingglass.When to use: Any aromatic beer (IPA, saison, stout) drunk at amediumpace.Orevenahighpace,forthatmatter.

Snifter. Originally designed for drinking port and sherry, thecombinationofawide,swollenbaseandnarrowopeningtrapstheotherwise fleeting aromatics of these fortified wines. It does thesameforaroma-richbeers.Thebaseaccommodatespalmingifthebeerneeds tobewarmedwith thehands (plus, itmakesyou lookmightysophisticated).Thenarrowmouthforcesslowsipping.Headretentionispoorduetohighsurfaceareaofthebulbousbase.When to use: For contemplative, sipping beers where headretentionisanon-issue.Mostlystrongalesandvintagebeers.

Shaker (pint). The scourge of the Beer Geek. This glass was notmade with any sort of drinking purpose in mind, but rather toserve as the top to a cocktail shaker. Unfortunately, due to theirdurability, low cost, and stackability, the shaker has become the

glass of choice for the vast majority of bars. Its near-cylindricalshapecapturesnoaromaandprovidespoorheadretention.Alackof stem or handle forces the drinker to warm the beer with hishands, and the thick walls make for a relatively large thermalmass, so a cold beer poured in a hot, just-from-the-dishwasherglassbecomesawarmbeer.Plus,theshapeisaboutasaestheticallypleasingasabroomstick. Itdoes,however, facilitatehigh-volumeswilling.Whentouse:Bestsuitedfordrinkingwaterorbeersthatresemblewater.

Nonic(Englishpint).Basicallyashakerglasswithaslightbulgeontheupperportion.Contrary topopularbelief, thebulge servesnosensory purpose and is only present to keep the lip of the glassfrombeingchippedaswellastoprovideabettergrip.Sharesallthesameshortcomingsoftheshakerpint.

Mug/Stein. Same pitfalls as the shaker pint but with a distinctadvantage:ahandletopreventunintentionalwarmingofthebeer.Still, really only suited for high-volume swilling (e.g., atOktoberfest).

Weissglass.A tall glasswithanarrowbottomandwide, slightlytapering top. The volume of these glasses is oversized toaccommodate the large amount of head associated with certainbeers,namelyGermanwheats.Thesustained,fluffyheadtrapsthevolatile,fruityestersandotheraromatics,resultinginabeautifulpresentation.Germanbarowners learned longago that for every

weissbeersoldinaweissglass,they’llsell10moretothe“I-vant-vhat-they’re-having”crowd.When to use: Any pungent beer with high head production.Traditionally used for wheat beers (weisses, wits, etc.) but alsosuperbforIPAsandotherbeersthathaveundergonedryhopping,atechniquethatincreasesheadproduction.

Goblet.Aestheticallypleasingand impressive,but theadvantagesstopthere.Functionally,theseglassesarethebastardoffspringofan ill-conceived one-night stand between a shaker glass and asnifterwithaseven-yearitch.Theyoffernothingthatasnifterortuliphasnotalreadymastered.Whentouse:TryingtoimpressGlassSnobs.

#glasswalez

Whales(alsoknownaswalesorwalez)areveryrarebeers.Notrare like a Bourbon County Brand Stout; rare like a BourbonCountyBrandStoutRare.(Confused?SeeBCBSandRarein

.) Among the glass-loving Beer Geeks, apiece of ultra-rare glassware (yes, this exists) is known as aglasswale. These glasses are often old, discontinued glassesfrombelovedbreweries,orglassesthatweredistributedduringaspecialevent.

Beware!!theFauxPintGlass

If shaker glasses are the smelly cousin of the beer glassfamily,thefauxpintglassistheirmeth-addictedbuddy.Oneofthevilestinventionstoeverhitthebeerscene,thefauxpintisashakerglassthathasbeenmodifiedtocontainlessthanapint.Thesemodificationstypicallycomeintheformofanextrathickbottomor a thickened lower half, though it can also come intheformofaslightlyminiaturizedglass.Theresultisavesselthatnowcontains2to4ounceslessthanthepurchased“pint”ofbeer.Essentiallyoutright theftwhenadvertisedasa“pint,”this is the equivalent of being served a steak stuffed withsawdust.TypicallyfoundinfakeIrishandEnglishpubs,chainrestaurants, airport bars, and anywhere else devoid of aregular local crowd. However, their appearance in evenseemingly respectable establishments has become adisturbingtrend.

theBeer Geek Dictionary

ServingTemperature:MaximizingaBeer’sProfile

Marketingagainandagainproclaimsthatbeershouldbeservedascoldaspossible—evenslushy,ifitcanbemanaged.Thismessageis drilled into you from a young age, just like the message thateating double-decker burgers will help you become an Olympicathlete.But likethatcreepyredandyellowclown,theadvertisingexecsarefullofit.

“Ice-coldbrewskis!”

“Frostymugs!”

“THECOLDESTBEERINTOWN!”

As a beer becomes colder, the flavors and aromas becomeconsiderably muted. The compounds that make up the aromaticqualities of a beer— fruity esters, spicy phenols, hop oils— stayhunkereddownintherelativewinterofanice-coldbeer.Andthefrostedglassonlyservestonumbyourtongueanddullanyflavorsthatmightmanagetocutaswaththroughthearcticenvironment.FortheBMC(Bud-Miller-Coors)typeofbeers,thisisanadvantage,asconsiderableworkhasgoneintomakingthemresemblewaterasclosely as possible, and the frigid temps further help to achievethis.Afterall,nobodylikesawarmishglassofdrinkingwater.

ABeerGeekiswellawarethatinorderforagoodbeertotrulyshineitneedstobeservedatitspropertemperature.Thiswillvaryfromstyletostylebutgenerallyfallswithintherangeof40to55°F.Themore flavorful beers should be served on thewarmer end ofthe spectrum and the simpler ones on the cooler side (after all,thesetendtoberefreshingsessionablequaffs).

By letting a beer sit out of the fridge for a short spell, a BeerGeekcanachievetheperfecttemperatureinthecomfortofhisorher ownhome.However,whenoutside of thehome the situationisn’talwayssosimple.Toavoidfoamingissues,almostallbarandrestaurant draft systems are maintained at 38°F, which greatlyreducestheoverallflavorprofileofmostbeers.Ifit’satrulyspecialbeer, it’s entirelynormal for aBeerGeek to spenda fewminutesgrasping the glass with both hands in an attempt warm it to areasonable temperature. (This is done in as obvious a fashion aspossible,inviewofthebartenderorserver.)

Drinking from bottles at the bar counter, however, cansometimes present a larger temperature challenge, as the vast

majority of locales keep their refrigerators at painfully lowtemperatures,usuallyat thefood-sanitationmarkof35°F.At thistemperature, even the finest beers will come across as one-dimensionalandmuted,shortingboththebrewerandthedrinker.Thisisfrustratingbecauseittypicallystemsfromanignoranceofproperservingtempsoranunwillingnesstohaveadedicatedbeerfridge.

Whenfacedwiththisoft-occurringsituation,aBeerGeekwoulddowell to talk to the proprietor.Managers are often receptive tosuchtalk,anditcouldleadthemtorectifytheissue,especiallyifitisabarorrestaurantthattoutsitselfasspecializingincraftbeer.MorepassiveBeerGeekssimplylettheirwalletsdothetalkingandtaketheirbusinesselsewhere.

S U G G E S T E D S E R V I N G T E M P E R A T U R E

DamnYouandYourFrostedMugs

At some point in the Beer Stone Age, it was decided thatkeeping thick glassmugs in the freezerwas the bestway tofacilitatetheservingofbeeratathen-recommendedsubzerotemperature — a somewhat understandable practice giventhe watery nature of beers at that time. Fast-forward a fewdecades to our era of vastly better beers, and most beerdrinkers have abandoned this barbaric practice.Unfortunately,though,manybarsnevergotthememo(cheesychainsportsbarsarethe likeliestoffenders).ForBeerGeeks

already frustrated with a 38°F draft pour, this same beerserved inan icymugcrossesthe line.Whileadvocacyshouldbetheaiminnearlyeverysituation, this isonewherethere’snotolerance.ABeerGeekdoesnot,underanycircumstances,drink out of a frosted glass. If served one, ask for a room-temperatureglassinwhichtotransferthebeer,orjustsenditback.

One-offs:TheUltimateAttraction

Asmentioned, Beer Geeks like to obsess about every aspect of abeer—obviously,itstaste,aroma,hue,etc.—butlet’sfaceit,alsoitsrarity.

Nothingmakesabeertastebetterthanit

Nothingmakesabeertastebetterthanitbeinghardtocomeby.

It’s the same mania that foodies have for the restaurant with afour-month wait list, or the car guy has for the Shelby Cobra. ABeerGeekknowsit’sdumbbutdoesn’tfightit,because,well,itjustfeels good to get to try a beer that your buddy hasn’t. IPAs thataren’t distributed in-state always have a more complex hopbouquet, and a barleywine’s profile is only brought to its fullpotentialifithasaone-bottlelimit.

Whetherornotabrewery’sbeerisavailableincertainmarketsis determined by many things, most notably its distributionnetworkbutalsothesizeofthebrewery,marketcompetition,andotherfactors.Andthereare timeswheneventhoughaparticularmarket carries a brewery’s beer, a small batch size prevents themarket from getting a certain release. Many of these beers arebrewedonlyonce.Theyareexperimentalbatchesthatthebreweryhas no intention of adding to their regular portfolio. These arecalledone-offs.

One-offshavea specialappeal for theBeerGeek.First, they’reusually creative beers with weird styles or limited or expensiveingredients.Suchsmallbatchesarenotoftencost-effective,morelike a financial sacrifice made by brewers to the Beer Geeks.Second, since the plan is tomake themonly once, their inherentraritymakesthemespeciallysexy.

LegendaryOne-offs

D A V E( H A I R O F T H E D O G )

( H A I R O F T H E D O G )

A29%,ice-distilledversionoftheirfamousAdambeer.Madeoncein1994.

WO O D E N H E L L

( F L O S S M O O R S T A T I O N )

In2008,theboysatFlossmooragedtheirSheolbarleywineforayearinaWoodfordReservebarrelandmanagedtorelease360bottlesofit.Theydeclareditnevertobebrewedagain.

( M I D N I G H T S U N )

ABelgian-style,barrel-agedbarleywinemadeforthebrewery’s10thanniversary.ThemasterworkofthenheadbrewerandBeerGeeklegendGabeFletcher.

L O E R I K

( C A N T I L L O N )

Flemishfor“lazyboy,”thiswasaparticularlydeliciousbatchofgueuzethatearneditsnamebecauseitwasveryslowtocarbonatepriortoits1998release.

Y E L L O W B U S

( T H E L O S T A B B E Y )

Asour,barrel-agedwildaleagedwithpeaches.HelpedtoputTheLostAbbeyfirmlyinBeerGeeks’headlights.

D I R T Y H O R S E

( D E S T R U I S E )

Ablendof1983and2005lambic,usedtoraisemoneytosaveaBelgianschoolbusroute.

D O N Q U I J O T E

( C A N T I L L O N )

AlambicmadewithgrapesandbottledexclusivelyforsaleattwoItalianbeerbars:theGoblinPubandtheLivingstoneClub.

M I L L E N N I U M G U E U Z E

( D R I E F O N T E I N E N )

AcollaborationgueuzewithDeCam,anotherwell-respectedlambicproducer.Bottledin1998tocommemorateY2K.

M I L L E N N I U M

( B O S T O N B E E R )

Withonly3,000bottlesproduced,this21%bruiserreleasedin1999wasthepredecessorofthenow-cultishUtopia.

DONGs!:TheExclusiveDraft-Only,No-GrowlerBeers

Whileaone-offbeerissexy,thereisnothingthatgetsaBeerGeekallhotandbothered likeaDONG (DraftOnly,NoGrowlers).Thesebeersareneversoldbythebottle,onlyondraft,norcanyoufillagrowlertotakehomewithyou.

Initially it seems likeaweird concept, but theapproach stemsfroma segment ofwildly popular breweries thathavedecided toattempttocombatthetradingandresellingoftheirbeer.Thiscanbebestexplainedbyanexample:

Russian River Brewing Company of Santa Rosa, California,makeswhattheycallatripleIPA,PlinytheYounger.Givenitscostandcomplexity,itisbrewedonlyonceayear.It’savailablesolelyatthe brewery and to Russian River’s best bar accounts across thecountry. When it first came out in 2005, loaded with amindboggling amount of hops yet still surprisingly drinkable at10.25%, Beer Geeks went crazy for it. Over the years, the hypecontinued to grow, and Beer Geeks beganmaking pilgrimages tothenearesttownorstatethathaditontap.

ThestreetsofSantaRosabecameoverrunatreleasetimewithunrulyBeerGeekswieldingcrystal-sharptulipglassesanddemandingpeople’sopinionsofthe

Reinheitsgebot...

It was back in those first few years that Russian River allowedpatronstopurchasegrowlersofPlinytheYoungeratthebar.Asitspopularitygrew,however, thecrowdsbegantochange.No longerwere they made up only of Beer Geeks but also of . . .entrepreneurial folk, who started buying as many growlers asallowed. Inevitably, the next day, many of those same growlersshowedup for sale on eBay at $150apop, to serve themarket ofdistant BeerGeeksunable to travel to taste this über-hyped beer.Russian River didn’t take kindly to this development, for a

multitudeofreasons,andstartedbanninggrowlerfillsofPlinytheYoungerin2011.Hence,theDONGwasborn.

Tobeclear,notalldraftbeersunavailable forgrowler fillsareDONGs.Forexample,youmightgotoyourlocalbrewpubandfindthat they won’t fill your growler with their barleywine, but thisdoesnotmakeitaDONG.Forabeertoqualify,itmustbeinsuchdemandthatgrowlerfillsareprohibitedduetoresalepotential,notbecause a brewery is trying to stop somebody from doming 64ouncesof12%ABVbeer.

TheDONGacronymoftencomesupwhensomeonenewtothebeerscenemakesthemistakeoftryingtofindortradeforabeerlike Pliny the Younger. The online exchange usually goessomethinglikethis:

NEWGUY:DoesanyoneknowifanyliquorstoresintowncarryPlinytheYounger?Ilovehops,andIheardthisbeerisveryhoppy!

BEERSNOB:PtYisaDONG,youeffin’noob.

Handbottles

Now,somefolksaresodesperatetotryaDONGthattheyarewilling to trade for ahandbottle of it. Handbottling refers tothe practice of bringing a refillable bottle (think of a Grolschswing top) to a bar, ordering a DONG, and then covertlyemptyingtheglassintothebottle.Tradingforhandbottlesisariskypropositionbecauseitrequiresalotoffaiththatthebeerisactuallywhat thefillersays it is.Also, thequalityofabeerthat’sbeen transferredmultiple times isalwaysquestionable—not tomention the fact thathandbottlingoftenoccurs ina

bathroomstall,exponentiallyadding to thesketch factor.Thetype of people who go for such things are referred to astickers,Britishslangforbeerdrinkerswhosemaingoal istoneverdrinkthesamebeertwice.

Beware!!TheCollaborationBrew

RegionaldistributionisthebaneoftheBeerGeek.Again,afavoritebrewerywill inevitably be outside of your local distribution area(the fact that thismakes the beer rarer is amere coincidence, of

course).Becauseofthis,aBeerGeekisconstantlycallinginfavorstohavefriendsandfamilyferrybeersbacktothemwhenevertheytravel.(Youknowyou’reaBeerGeekwhenpeoplebegintochangethesubjectaftertheyaccidentallymentiontheirupcomingtriptoEurope.)

On the surface it sounds like a great thing when a locallydistributedbrewerybrewsacollaborationbeerwithafavoriteout-of-marketbrewery.Forabrieftimeyou’llhaveregularaccesstoabeer that’sbrewed (orat leasthalf-brewed)bythecovetedout-of-marketbrewery.Unfortunately, though,thesecollaborationstendtobesubpar.

Thegeneralflopofthecollaborationbrewcanbeattributedtoavarietyofreasons:

1. Compromise

Beerisarepresentationofabrewer’sartistictalents,paired(hopefully)withaskilledhandtoexecutethem.However,whentwoofthesecreativemindscometogether,concessionshavetobemadetomeeteachoftheirvisions,whichoftenresultsinmediocrity.

2. Creativityoverdose

Twobrewersaren’tgoingtogettogetherandbrewtheperfectpilsner.No,insteadtheymustengageinaconstantone-upmanshiptoshowjusthowcreativetheycanbe.Iftheoriginalideaisasaison,theendproductwillendupasacactus-infusedsaison,steepedinSwissiguanascrotumsandagedinpapier-mâchébarrelsthathavebeenhandcraftedbytransvestiteJapanesemonks.Inotherwords,abeerthattrieswaytoohard...andtasteslikelizardnuts.

3. Camaraderie

Itisawell-knownfactthatbrewersliketodrinkbeerwithoneanother.Whentheygettogetherthere’slikelygoingtobedrinkinginvolved.Whilesurelyfun,forobviousreasonsthisprobablywon’taidthebrewprocess.

Therehavebeendecentcollaborations,butthebottomlineis,BeerGeeksdonotconsideracollaborationbrewrepresentativeofeitherbrewery; rather, they view it as an oddity with only a chance ofbeing half-decent. Therefore, they reserve excitement as well asjudgment.

BeerCocktails:TheScourgeofBeerdom

While cocktails have arguably been around for more than twocenturies,itwasn’tuntilProhibitionbeganin1919thattheybeganto gain steam. Before the temperance movement cast a darkshadow overAmerica, a lot of boozewas barrel aged and artisan

crafted. Rich and complex, these spiritswere served neat or overice.

But once alcohol production was moved to shady back roomsandillicitwarehouses,spiritsweremadeasquicklyandcheaplyaspossible.Whiskeywasreplacedwithginbecauseitcouldbemadeinweeks rather thanyears. Brandnamesdisappeared alongwithqualitystandards.Thehoochbeingchurnedoutwas,forthemostpart,harshandfoul-tastingstuff,butthethirstypublicwashappytoobligealittletemporaryblindnessinordertoenjoyadrink.

To make these dreadful bathtub gins drinkable, speakeasiesbegan tomix themwith sweet syrups, fruits, andbitters tomaskthe off flavors, and the era of the cocktail was born. Afterprohibition ended, cocktails stuck and a market of legitimate“mixing”spiritsemerged.Designedwithsimple,intenseflavorstocut through the sweetness, these liquorswith their harsh alcoholpresenceweren’taconcern,astheyweren’tbeingdrunkstraight.

CocktailbarsarenowaregularfixtureintheUS,andwhenthecraft beer scene boomed, these same locales wanted in on theaction. Suddenly, all of the tweed-vested, mustachioed cocktailbartendersacrossthecountrycameupwiththeideatoblendthesenewpopularbeerswiththeirregulararrayofmixers.

Prettysoontherewerelambicsangrias,barleywinecreamsicles,andallsortsof

otherbeeryatrocities.

What the misguided bartenders don’t realize is that the beersthey’remixingaremasterpieces inandof themselves. Theydon’tneedadditionalsugars,alcohols,andfruitpureestobedrinkable.ABeer Geek knows that the brewer designed and created them to

standontheirown.Ifabeerneedsallthoseadditionalingredients,it’snotworthbotheringwithanyway.

WhilethisattitudeseemstowadedangerouslytowardtheBeerSnobcategory, fearnot, for it couldn’tbe further from the truth.BeerGeeksavoidbeercocktailsbecause theconceptdoesn’t showrespect for the care, dedication, and passion breweries put intocrafting their beer. Can youpicture awine connoisseurmixing aCotesduRhonewithOrangeCrushandmelon liqueur?Oracigaraficionadosmokingagrape-flavoredCohibaRobustos?ABeerGeekholdshimselftothesamestandard.

C H A P T E R 3Breweries:TheExclusiveClub

Likeanythingwithadedicatedfollowing,therearecertainseeminglyintangiblequalitiesthattheleadersofthepackpossess.Thesequalitiesoftenreflectamixoftherespectedoldguardandtheboundary-pushingcontemporaryscene.

Takemusic, for example.Bands like theRollingStoneshavebeenaroundforeverandthey’rewellrespectedbecausethey’venotonlycreated a new sound that inspired countless bands, they’ve alsocontinued to innovate and remain relevant for decades. Theirfollowing is loyal,andeven themost flippantmusicbloggerswillbegrudginglygivethemsomeprops.

Atthesametime,justabouteverymonththereissomehotnewband—the new favorite of the music geeks — that is at leasttemporarilythegreatestgroupevertostrumachord.Thebrewingindustryisnodifferent.We’vegotourStonesandwehaveourone-hitwonderstoo.

FormulaforCool

Manyfactorscancatapultabrewerytothenationalforefront,beitfor a fleeting moment or for decades, but there is actually amethodtothemadness.Geeks,whetherformusicorforbeer,wantthecraftersoftheirobsessiontobegeekytoo.Theywantthemtocareuncompromisinglyaboutcreatingthefinestendproduct,notaboutmakingmoneyorpleasingthemasses.

Here is a list of everything a brewery needs to do right to setitself apart. Nailing one of them can get you a ticket to thedemolitionderby,butonlythedeterminedandcrazysurvive.

1.QualityFirst and foremost, a brewery must make good beer. Or at leastsomegoodbeer.Or,okay,onegreatbeer.

2.StylesToberelevant,abreweryneedstobebrewingwhateverstylesarepopularatthetime,beitaroma-forwardIPAs,spontaneoussours,or barrel-aged bruisers. To have staying power, they have to be

adaptable and talented enough to meet the Beer Geek’s ever-changingtastes,andtodoitwell.

3.HomerismWhenaskedaboutthelong-termsuccessofRussianRiverBrewingCompany,brewmasterVinnieCilurzosaid, “Youcan’t forgetyourlocals.” If they’re happy, your brewerywill succeed, he reasoned.EasytosaywhenyoumakesomeofthebesthoppyandsourbeersAmericahaseverseen,butit’savalidsentiment.BeerGeekslovetotalkaboutbeer.Thegossipstartswiththelocalsandcanspreadlikewildfireacrossonlineforums.WhenBeerGeekscrosspathsaquickgeographic pissing match often ensues, starting something likethis:

BEERGEEK#1:Whereareyoufrom?

BEERGEEK#2:RandomCity,California.

BEERGEEK#1:Noway,IloveRandomCityBrewingCompany!TheirdoubleIPAisthebestI’veeverhadafter[insertGeek#1’shometownbrewery’sDIPA].

BEERGEEK#2:Meh,RandomCityusedtobegreat,buteversincetheyexpanded,theirbeerstotallysuck.

Beer Geek #2’s lack of homerism greatly hurt Random City’spopularity,asinthenext24hours,BeerGeek#1willtell302otherBeerGeeksthatRandomCity’sDIPAnowtasteslikegarbage.

4.Parentage

As mentioned, Beer Geeks want their favorite breweries to betotally committed to making the best-tasting brews, profit bedamned.Becauseofthis,abrewery’sparentageiskey.Whocreatedthe brewery and why? All businesses need tomakemoney to besuccessful, but is there any passion behind the product, or justdollar signs? After decades of being limited to three terrible-tasting, profit-driven brands, Beer Geeks are very wary ofbreweriesthatseemtoofocusedonthebottomline.

5.Heritage

Beer Geeks are intensely devoted to the brewers who craft theirfavoritebeers.Rightorwrong,theyoftenseeabeerastheproductofanindividual,notacollaborativeeffort.Therefore,brewerscanachieve celebrity status among Beer Geeks. When one of thesebrewersleavestojoinanotherbreweryorstarttheirownventure,thatbreweryinstantlyhasalegupinthecooldepartment.

Thesamegoesforassistantbrewerswhoworkedundercelebritybrewersoratstarbreweries.Itisassumed,sometimesincorrectly,thatthemagicalpixiedusthassurelyrubbedoff.

6.DistributionAgain, firstandforemost,abeermustbegood.But,aspreviouslydiscussed,themoredifficultitistoacquire,themoresoughtafteritwillbe.Looknofurtherthansomeofthepastdecade’shonoreesdubbed#1BeerintheWorld(asdeterminedbyBeerAdvocate.com):

Westvleteren12:AnabsolutelydeliciousBelgianstrongdarkale.CanbeacquiredonlyatthebreweryinBelgium,andeventhenonlywithadvancereservations.

PlinytheYounger:Theworld’sfirsttripleIPA,apowerhouseofhopresin,caramel,andalcohol.BrewedonlyonceannuallyandreleasedinthemonthofFebruary.Availablesolelyondraftandatveryexclusivebaraccounts.

HeadyTopper:Anintenselyfruity,unfiltereddoubleIPA.Brewedinatiny15-barrelbreweryinVermontandtypicallyavailableonlyin-stateatselectstores.

A vast distribution is not necessarily beneficial to a beer’spopularity. Nor is it always detrimental, as evidenced by well-respected breweries Stone and Sierra Nevada, but it is neverhelpfulinearningBeerGeekadoration.

7.FlagshipBeer(orLackThereof)AgoodexampleofaflagshipbeerisFatTirebyNewBelgium.BeerGeeks see flagship beers as beers brewed to “keep the lights on.”Theywill tolerate breweries that rely on a flagship beer, but justlike national distribution, it is never a draw. Beer Geeks look forbreweriestoconstantlypushtheenvelopeandevolve,whichcanbehardtodowhenaflagshipissuckingresources.

Justafewyearsback,thethoughtofopeningabrewerywithoutaflagshiporsix-packbeerwasconsideredunfathomable.However,theriseofcraftbeerhasallowedbrewerieslikeAnchorageBrewingCompany and The Bruery, both of which create only high-endbomber-sized brews, not only to exist but to be incrediblysuccessful.

8.Cost

Itisanindisputablefactthatthemoreexpensivesomethingis,thebetteritis.

expensivesomethingis,thebetteritis.

Beerisnoexception,andbreweriesthathavehigh-pricedbeersareautomaticallyknownascreatorsofasuperbproduct.Ifabrewerystarts selling its beer for too cheap, theymust be cutting cornersandthereforenotworthgettingexcitedabout.

BeerGeeksdohavetheirpricinglimit,though,asdemonstratedwhen Against the Grain brewery began distributing. When thebreweryfirstopened,bottleswereavailableonly locally.Butafterdeveloping a cult following and seeing their beers become a hotcommodity on the national beer-trading scene, they begandistributingtheirbottlesnationwide.BeerGeeks’initialexcitementquickly turned to disgust when bottles of Against the Grain IPAstartedretailingforupwardsof$18.Whilebarrelagingorspecialingredients may justify a high price tag, it’s a hard thing tounderstandforanormalIPA.Thebrewery’scoolfactortookaverybig hit, and it’s taken subsequent (substantial) repricing to bringthembackintoBeerGeeks’goodgraces.

9.NotTryingTooHardPrettyself-explanatory.Baby,becool.

10.QuantityofOfferingsBeer Geeks love it when a brewery gives them choices andvariations.Thisisviewedasdedicationtothecraftandashowcaseofabrewery’screativity.However,athresholdexistsbeyondwhichtoo many beers can be a detriment to a brewery’s coolness. Aspreviouslynoted,BeerGeekslovetotalkshopaboutabrewery,and

it’simportanttostayintheknowaboutnewbeersarrivingonthescene.God forbid someoneaskswhatyou thinkabout thebarrel-

agedversionofWeeBlackMambaandyou’rethinking,WhatintheworldisWeeBlackMamba??

For themost part, a brewery can onlymaintain a handful ofbeers in the forefront of thenationalBeerGeek consciousness.ABeerGeek’smemoryisonlyso-so,andshehasonlysomuchtime,so many dollars, and so much liver capacity. Some breweries(ahem,JesterKing,Bruery)arechurningoutdifferentbeerssofastthatBeerGeekscan’tkeepupwiththem,whichisnotagoodthing.

11.ScantAdvertisingAdvertisingisforthemasses,nottheconnoisseurs.Yearsofbitter-beer-face commercials have led Beer Geeks to believe that thequalityofabeerisinverselyproportionaltotheamountofdollarsspentpromotingit.BeerGeeksmakeittheirresponsibilitytoknoweverything there is to know about a beer through their ownresearchandacollectiveknowledgebase.Therefore,advertisingisanunnecessarywasteofmoneythatcouldhaveinsteadbeenspentoncraftingabetterbeer.

In addition, it’s generally thought that the simpler thepackagingand labels, thebetter thebeer.Anybodywhodisagreesshould look no further than Russian River’s continued successdespitetheirinsistentuseoftheComicSansfont.

12.AwardsThoughbynomeansaguarantee,winningcertainawardscanhelpcatapult a brewery onto the national scene. Typically, the onlyawards that matter are medals from the Great American Beer

Festivalor theWorldBeerCup,whileawards like theEastKansasBrewersCupdon’tmeanmuch.However,winningaGABForWBCmedal does not necessarily mean the world, either. The medalneedstobeinacategorythatiscurrentlycaptivatingtheBeerGeekmindset.GoldforanIPA,forexample,isahugedeal.Thisiswhatpushed Societe — a previously unknown brewery, now with acultishfollowing—tothenationalforefront.Ontheotherhand,ifJoe’sBucktoothBreweryinBumblebrook,Missouri,winsthegoldintheRoggenbiercategory, theydon’tneedtoworryaboutsecuringthedoorsfromthehoardsofBeerGeeks.

NavigatingtheParentageQuestion

Whileit’susuallyprettyobviouswhotheWallStreetbreweriesare, a classic parentage issue occurs when a faux craftbrewery is created by one of these conglomerates. Oneexample is Shock Top, a Belgian-style white beer brewed bytheBudLightkings,Anheuser-BuschInBev.Anallegedinternaldocument was published by beer blogger Ben Johnson thatexplainedhowthebrand’smarketingstrategywasto“winthebattleagainstMicroCraft”bymaintainingthattheir“delicious,approachableliquid”wasfrom“asmallbrewer.”Thefactthatthe beer, er, “liquid,” is utterly terrible, combined with theirsneaky corporate tactics, makes a Beer Geek more likely todrinkhisownurinethanaShockTop.

There are exceptions to the conglomerate parentage rule,however, a classic example being AC Golden, aMillerCoors-owned brewery-within-a-brewery that was initially despisedbecause of its parentage. Most Beer Geeks eventually camearoundonACGolden,partlybecauseitsbeers(typicallyfruit-steeped, barrel-aged sours) were so damn good, but alsobecause the original brewmaster, Troy Casey (now of CaseyBlending),madeaconcertedefforttobecomepartofthelocalBeer Geek community (see ). Beer Geeks pridethemselves inalwaysputting thequalityof thebeeraboveallelseandwereabletooverlookACGolden’sparentage.

Another parentage situation comes up when a brewery isacquired by one of these corporate conglomerates. Again,whatmatters iswhathappenstothebeer’squality.Whilethemajorityof theseacquisitionshaveresulted in lowerbrewingquality due to cost-cutting measures, there are exceptionshere too. A great example is Goose Island, purchased by ABInBev in 2011. The Beer Geek world bemoaned its assumed

Homerism

lossofthebrewery’sBourbonCountyandBelgian-stylelineup,but contrary to expectations the quality didn’t drop an inch,and the production run of their specialty beers increasedexponentially. While many Beer Geeks no longer buy theirflagshipbeers(notwantingtofilltheABInBevcoffers),GooseIsland’sspecialty lineupisstillmovingthroughtheBeerGeeknationasstrongasever.

TradeBait?

“Trade bait” is a beer that is universally sought after by BeerGeeksbutisrelativelyeasytoacquirebythoseinthebeer’slocalarea. The locals canuse this beer to tradewith non-localBeerGeeksforjustaboutanyotherbeertheycouldeverwant.Afewclassic examples areHeady Topper in Vermont, CaseyBrewingand Blending in Colorado, de Garde in Oregon, and TopplingGoliath in Iowa.EveryBeerGeekwhotradeswants to live inanareathathassomesortoftradebait.

Q U I Z # 3TheBeerGeekFormula

Filloutthesurveybelowtodetermineifthatunknownbreweryhas what it takes to make it to national-level Beer Geekfandom:

1.Qualityofthebeer?

a.Epic 50POINTS

b.Good 10POINTS

c.Okay 0POINTS

d.Bad -50POINTS

Points

2.Howrelevantarethebeersproducedintermsofcurrenttrends?

a.Spot-on 20POINTS

b.Hereandthere 15POINTS

c.Onerelevant,andawholebunchoffruitedhoneyblondes..

10POINTS

d.WASPmenu(Wheat,Amber,Stout,Pale) -25POINTS

Points

3.Dotheydistribute?

a.Yes 10POINTS

b.No 0

POINTS

Points

4.Howmanystatesdotheydistributeto?

a.1–2 10POINTS

b.3–5 2POINTS

c.6ormore 0POINTS

Points

5. How many people attend a brewery event (release,tapping,etc.)?

a.100+ 10POINTS

b.50–99 5POINTS

c.Fewerthan50 0POINTS

Points

6.Aretheyownedbyanoutsidesource?

a.No 0POINTS

b.Yes -25POINTS

Points

7.DidtheheadbrewerformerlyworkinaTop250brewery?

a.Yes 10POINTS

b.No 0POINTS

Points

8.Dotheysellsixpacks?

a.No 10POINTS

b.Yes 0POINTS

Points

9.Dotheysellbombers?

a.Yes 10POINTS

b.No -10POINTS

Points

10.Costofthebomber?

a.Over$25 5POINTS

b.$15–$24 10POINTS

c.$10–14 5POINTS

d.Lessthan$10 0POINTS

Points

11.HavetheywonGABForWBCawards?

a.Yes,andforatrendystyle 10POINTS

b.Yes,butforanunexcitingstyle 1POINT

c.No 0POINTS

Totalpoints

TotalPoints

110–150:Chancesare,you’realreadybehindthecurveandBeerGeeksknowallaboutthisbrewery.

100–109:Tradebait!Bethebesthomeryoucanbeandstarthypingupthatbrewery!

80–99:There’sdefinitelysomepotentialhere.Startdroppingsomehintstothebrewersaboutstylesordistribution.

60–79:Notabadjoint,butdoesn’thavewhatittakestocutitinthebigshow.

59orfewer:Bumsville.Toomanygoodbreweriesouttheretowasteyourtimeonthisone.

TheClassics:PioneersoftheGeekFrontier

Let’s continuewith themusic industry analogy:Which breweriesaregoingtobetheonesthatmakeittotheclassicrockandoldiesstations?Who are the Beatles and the Rolling Stones of the beerworld? As with music, these breweries have to be popular andgroundbreaking when they first hit the scene but also have thestayingpowertoremainapplicabletoday.

Thefollowingisalist(innoparticularorder)ofthosebreweries—thegoldenoldies,ifyouwill—thathavelongbeenreveredandrespectedbyBeerGeeks:

SierraNevadaBrewingCompany.SierraNevadamadehoppybeerswaybeforeitwascool,orevenreallyathing.Infact,theymadeitokaytobeaudaciouswithhops.TheSierraNevadaPaleAle(SNPA)forever changed the face of the American beer scene and blazedthe path for hop lovers. Released in 1981, SNPA was unlikeanythingelseoutthere.Burstingwithin-your-face,we-don’t-care-if-you-like-it hoppiness, it was quintessentially American. Andwhile they could have sat back and rested on their laurels, theyinstead continue to push the envelope with new, fantastic,boundary-shovingbeers.

Boston Beer Company. Whoa, many will say. Sam Adams? Thearchetypal, there-is-nothing-else-but-shitty-BMC-beers-on-tap-so-I-guess-I’ll-drink-it beer? Yes, those guys. While now relegated toairport bar consumption, theirmost popular beer led the chargeagainsttheflavorless,watered-downbeersceneofthe’80s.BostonBeerandahandfulofothersfoughttheDavidvs.Goliathbattletoshare tap spaceamong theBMCs inmanybars, and for thatBeerGeeks owe thema debt of gratitude. Theymake this list because,while not with stunning fashion, they do continue to createoccasionallyprogressivebeersintheirBrewmaster’sCollectionand

have a handful of cult-worthy offerings like Utopia andMillennium.

Bell’s Brewery.Any Beer Geek knows that Michigan is a helluvabeer state.Of course,where there is snowanddark, therewill belots of beer, but it is because of Bell’s that Michigan is the beermeccaitistoday.Theirincredibleattentiontodetailwhencraftingimmenselydrinkable,balancedbeerswonovertheswilldrinkersofthe Wolverine state. While Bell’s is not necessarily known forputting outnewbeers, the same ones that put themon themap,likeTwoHeartedAle,ExpeditionStout,andHopslam,continue tobebelovedbyBeerGeekstoday.

BrooklynBrewery.TheEastCoastbeerscenewasatoughhorsetobreak in.Stubbornand loyal, thebeerdrinkersalong theAtlanticseaboardweren’ttoointerestedinnew,fancypantsbeer.Brooklynhelped break down thosewalls, particularlywith their incrediblyapproachable Brooklyn Lager. And by offering more aggressivebeerslikeBlackChocolateStoutandSorachiAce,they’vebeenabletomaintainaseatatthecoolkids’table.

Authentic Lambic Blenders. The various lambic brewers andblenders in theSenneValley (Cantillon,Drie Fonteinen,Girardin,Hanssens,etc.)areaboutascoolasitgetsrightnow.Justadecadeor so ago, these guys were on the brink of extinction, their owncountrymen abandoning this offbeat style in favor of more“approachable”beers.But then,wanderingBeerGeeksdiscoveredand fell in love with this funky, tart beer style and have sinceslowlybuiltthemuptogodlikestature.

Russian River Brewing Company. After breweries like Bell’s andSierraNevadaforgedapathforgoodbeerinAmerica,anewguardof breweries popped up in the early 2000s and pushed the sceneeven further. Russian River took hoppiness to a whole new levelwith beers like Pliny the Elder and Pliny the Younger and thenreally blew the roof off the scene with funky, sour, barrel-agedbeerslikeConsecrationandBeatification.Evenadecadelatertheirbeersarethehigh-watermarksthatmostinthesestylesarejudgedagainst.

TheLostAbbey.TheLostAbbeywascreatedtoallowthenPizzaPortbrewmaster Tomme Arthur a chance to play in his Belgian beersandbox. Before The Lost Abbey, the thought of an Americanbrewery making only high-end specialty Belgian-style beers andselling them in corked 750-mL bottles for $10 or more wasconsideredfinancialsuicide.Arthur’sbeerprovedthemwrongandhelpedgivebirthtothebeerbombersceneweenjoytoday.

Allagash Brewing Company.While Belgian-style beers are madeeverywhere in America today, thiswas definitely not the case inthemid ’90s. Allagash founder Rob Tod decided to do something

about that in 1995 and releasedWhite, awit-style beer thatmostagreecangotoe-to-toewithanyoftheBelgianclassics.Therestishistory, and Allagash continues to make really awesome, reallyexpensive Belgian-style beers in small enough batches (mmmm,rarity)tokeepBeerGeeksdroolingandhappy.

Goose Island Beer Company.Starting as brewpub in 1988,GooseIslandmadethen-progressivebeers,likeambers,hefeweizens,andIPAs, and managed to make a bit of a name for itself. The beerworld continued to turn, though, and breweries likeGI became adimeadozen.Seeminglydestined tobe forgotten,GIwas insteadforeverenshrined in theBeerGeekHallofFamewhen it releasedits14%ABVBourbonCountyBrandStout(BCBS)in2003.Thisbeerchangedthebarrel-agedstrongbeerscene.JustlikeSierraNevadaPaleAledidwithhops,BCBSbroughtanAmericanattitudetooakandalcohol,andBeerGeeksabsolutelyadoredit.Notquitesatisfiedyet,GIbegan releasingvariantsof thebeermadewithadditionalingredients (coffee, vanilla, coconut, blackberries) or aged indifferenttypesofspiritbarrels.ThesesmallbatchesofvariantsfedtheBeerGeekfeverandhelpedspawnamovementofone-offbatchvariations of classic beers from breweries across the country.When Goose Island was purchased in 2011 by AB InBev (themultinationalalcoholcorporationbestknownforsteppingonthethroats of craft brewers everywhere), Beer Geek Nation assumedtheworst.

Instead,themoneymenatABInBevrealizedthatnotonlywereBeerGeeksnotgoing

anywhere,theirmoneydidn’tactuallysmelltoobad.

The amount of BCBS increased, the number of variants doubled,and Beer Geeks responded with an ever-growing frenzy for thisdelicious bruisin’ ale, proving that it’s ultimately aboutwhat’s inthebottle.

JollyPumpkinArtisanAles.AlongwithLostAbbey, JollyPumpkinisdefinitely theyoungestof the “pioneers” tomake this list.AndjustlikeLostAbbey,thebreweryisknownforbeingatrailblazerintheI’m-only-going-to-make-the-kind-of-beer-I-want-and-sell-it-in-bombersscene.

But,whileLostAbbeywasmakingBelgian-inspiredales,JollyPumpkinwasmakingbeersthatnobodyhadeverdreamedof—beersthatfitnostylecategorybutwere

damndelicious.

The average person didn’t know what to make of this, but BeerGeeksfeltliketheyfinallyhadaguide.

DeschutesBrewery.Openedin1988,Deschuteswillalwaysremainbeloved for being part of the original group of trailblazersresponsibleforthebeerychoicesweexperiencetoday.EventhoughitresidesinthemidstofPacificNorthwesthopcountry,itbecamebestknownforitsunhoppyBlackButtePorter,whichopenedbeerdrinkers’mindstotheideathataroastedbeercouldbesessionabletoo. They truly gained the Beer Geeks’ admiration, though,whenthey began releasing ultra-progressive, ultra-limited, barrel-agedvintagebeerslikeAbyssandDissident.

Hair of the Dog Brewing Company. In 1993, when Alan SprintsopenedHairoftheDogwiththesoleofferingofasmoky,10%ABVGermanbarleywine,settoretailinsingle12-oz.bottlesforathen-outrageous $5, people told him he was nuts. Now,more than 20yearslater,it’sbecomeapparenthowwrongthosepeoplewere.

StoneBrewingCompany.Thebreweryoriginallymadeanameforitself in 1997with itsoh-so-cleverlynamedArrogantBastardAle.In the ’90s, the beer’smoniker seemed to strike a chordwithbarandrestaurantownerswantingtoappearhip.This,pairedwiththefact that the beer was damn good, made Stone a nationwidesuccess. Founder Greg Koch has a dangerous combination ofkookiness,creativity,andbusinesssavvythathaskeptthebreweryontheleadingedgeofbeerytrends.

AveryBrewingCompany.Another ’90s-era trailblazer thathelpedthe Rocky Mountain region gain its well-earned reputation as acraft beer destination.While its six-pack offerings don’t elicit asmuch excitement from Beer Geek Nation nowadays, its massivededication to making extremely small-batch, high-ABV, barrel-agedbeershasrecapturedthefervorofbeertradersworldwideandmadeAveryrelevantonceagain.

Dogfish Head.With a penchant for creative flair, founder SamCalagioneisprobablythemostrecognizablecraftbeercelebrityintheworld, starring in theBrewWarsmovieaswellashisownTVshow,BrewMasters.While DogfishHead has nevermade boring,run-of-themillbeers,ithasmadeitsnamebycontinuallypushingthe boundaries ofwhat is considered beer. Some feel this puts itmore often on the bleeding edge rather than the cutting edge,resultinginaverytumultuousrelationshipwithmanyBeerGeeks.

Regardless, most Beer Geeks know of Dogfish Head’s indelibleimpactonthecraftbeermovementandgiveititsdue.

NewBelgiumBrewingCompany.AlongwithitsEastCoastbrethrenAllagash, New Belgiumwas created by beer lovers tired of beingunabletoenjoytheirfavoriteBelgianbeerinAmerica.Throughthe’90s and early 2000s, it helped educate Americans on all thedeliciousstylesofbeerwe’dbeenmissingouton.ThereleaseofitstartFlanders redale, LaFolie, in2001helped spark the sourbeerrevolution,whichhasledtoanewgenerationofsourbeerloversinAmerica.

Has-Beens,Sellouts,andOtherGarbage

TherearenottoomanyhatedbreweriesintheBeerGeekworld.Forthe most part, Beer Geeks reserve their disdain for the BMCconglomerates, thebandof evil super-businessmenout to rid theworldofgoodbeerthroughDClobbying,legalstrong-arming,andshadydistributiontactics.They’regiantforareason,andtheriseofcraftbeerhasnotgoneunnoticedbythem,asevidencedbythe

riseoftheirfauxcraftbreweries.You’vecertainlyseenthesebeers—madebythebigboys,butmarketedandsoldundertheguiseofasmallindependentcraftbrewery—butyoumaynothaverealizedit.

Themost notable of the faux crafters are probably Shock Topand BlueMoon, though how these beers/breweries are viewed byBeerGeeksisinteresting.TosaythatBlueMoonisbelovedbyBeerGeekswouldnotbetrue,butmostwillbegrudginglygiveitpropsasadecentBelgian-stylewit.Afterall, it’snot like theBMCguysarebadbrewers—infact,thiscouldn’tbefurtherfromthetruth.It’sjustthatratherthanaimingtocraftthemostflavorful,enjoyablebeer,theircriteriaareoftenbasedoncreatingflavorless, low-costlagers that can be consumed in large volumes. And they do itexceptionallywell.Whentheywanttoapplytheirtalents,beerslikeBlueMooncanhappen.ShockTop,however, isattheotherendofthe spectrum. Sugary sweet and tasting of sickly artificialflavoring, it drinks more like a Belgian wit–inspired soda pop.Again,it’sallaboutthebeer.

Besidesthosefromthelowendofthefauxbreweries,theotherlooked-down-upon beers are those from foreignmacrobreweries.Backinthe’80sand’90s,theAmericanbeerscenewasdominatedby theBMCs, and importedbeers likeBass,Guinness, andFosterswererelishedasflavorfulexotics.AndcomparedtoaMillerLite,itwascertainlytrue.

However,inthiscurrenteraofcraftbeerbliss,thesebeersnowcomeacrossasbeing

asblandandstaleasday-oldCreamofWheat.

The last category that draws the ire of theBeerGeeks is thehas-beencrowd.Thesearetheonce-greatbreweriesthat,atsomepoint,sold out to the giant global beer conglomerates. The purchasingcompanies are all about the bottom line and drive their newlyacquiredbreweries tograduallymake theirbeermore“palatable”to themassesby strippingoutanything that resembles characterandflavor.

YourBreweryis,uh,NOGOOD!

Guinness

Ahh, the black Irish gold. Guinness is often a person’s gatewaybeerintoBeerGeekdom,andforthatweoweitaspecialthanks.But as a palate progresses, the realization slowly dawns thatthere isn’tmuch to this beer beyond the roastedmalt bite. Andthen there are the infamous “Guinness farts,” a phenomenonperhapsduetotheridiculousamountofadditivesusedinmakingthebeer.Thisunfortunategastrointestinaldistresshasledmanynonconvertstobelievethatallflavorfulbeersmakeyoustinkuparoom.

StellaArtois

Belgianbeerhasaveryimpressivereputation.AndStellaArtoisis easily the highest selling Belgian-brewed beer in the UnitedStates. For that reason, it’s easy for many to assume that thisbland, insipid lager is representative of theBelgianbeer scene.This is an unfortunate and incorrect conclusion. Examining its

fancy, gold-foil-rimmed packaging, a wise man once remarked,“Youcanputapiginatuxedo,butthisbeerstilltasteslikeshit.”

Leinenkugel

Leinenkugelisanold-schoolWisconsinbrewerythatwasboughtoutbyMillerCoors(orwhateverthey’recallednow)in2011.Twowords:SummerShandy.Barf.

CultBreweries:ThePinnaclesoftheBrewingWorld

WithinthegroupofbreweriesthatgetBeerGeeksinafrenzythereis the constantly rotating upper echelon, an elite class of theworld’s hottest breweries. The buzz around these outfits goes farbeyond your average joint with a loyal following. Rather, theycommand a cultish devotion among Beer Geeks: pilgrimages aremade to visit the sacred grounds, brewing logos are tattooed onbodies,andrarewhitewhalesarepreservedincellarsasrelicstobeviewedbutneverdrunk.

Toget apass into this exclusive club, breweriesmustnot onlymeettheprereqsofthe ,theymustdoatleasttwoof them—andusuallymore—exceptionallywell. If youmake aworld-classIPAandhappentobeinthemiddleofnowhere,you’llmanagetogarnerafewfans.ButtreatyourlocalsrighttobuildupthathomerismangleandyoucouldhaveabrewerythatBeerGeekswillplantheirvacationsaround.

FormulaforCool

In addition, cult breweries almost always have some sort ofintangibleelementthatcontributestotheirrabidfollowing.It’sanelusivething,andvariesfrombrewerytobrewery.CrookedStave’scomes from creator Chad Yakobson’s groundbreaking master’sthesis on Brettanomyces, while Hill Farmstead’s rises from their(somewhat uncomfortable) obsession with naming beers afterobscurephilosophicalarguments.Butall cultbrewerieshave thatsomethingspecialthatseemstoseparatethemfromthepack.

The last thing that they all seem to have in common is thatthey’re relatively new to the scene.With few exceptions (such asCantillon andRussian River), once a brewery bursts on the sceneBeerGeeksdevelopanintense,devotedfollowing...untilthenextbig thing comes along. Cult breweries aren’t immune to theficklenessofBeerGeeks.

Whilethesecrettoattainingcultstatusmayseemabitmuddy,the most important aspects are actually very simple. A breweryneedstodoonlytwothings:

1. Brewatleastonebeerthat’sconsideredawhale,and

2. Beadestination-worthybrewery.

If it doesn’t meet both of these criteria, it doesn’t count. Forexample, Boston Beer has Millennium, a beer considered by anystandardtobeawhale.However,BostonBeerisnotgoingtobethefocal point of any Beer Geek’s beercation, and is thus not a cultbrewery.

While thismay seem an appropriate place to include a list ofcult breweries, such a list would be out of date by the time youfinish reading this chapter. Instead, any burgeoning Beer Geeklookingtogetthecurrentcultbreweriesonherradarwouldbebest

served by checking out the brewerieswhose beers are on theTop250 Beers list on BeerAdvocate.com, which is constantly updatedandisbasedonuserreviews.Whiletherearecertainlyahandfulofbreweries on their list that don’t really have a cult following(BrasseriedeRochefort,forexample),thevastmajoritydo,makingitagreatbarometerofBeerGeeks’latestloves.

Q U I Z # 4AreYouAFanboy/girl?

While it’sgreat to likeandrespectaspecificbrewery,aBeerGeekalwaystakescaretoensurehe/shedoesn’tventureintothe fanboy/girl realm of loyalty. Folks in this categoryunequivocally love every beer that their chosen brewerymakes(regardlessofthequality),andinturnbasheverythingthat competing breweries release. There definitely areamazingbreweriesoutthere,buteverysingleoneofthemhasturnedoutaturdatleastonce.EvenAlpineBeerCompany,thegreatSanDiegobrewerywithanentirelegionoffanboys,hastheirWillyWheat.

Check“yes”or“no”(andlet’sbehonest,now):

YES NO Haveyouever...

❏ ❏ 1.concurrentlyworntwoarticlesofclothingbearingthenameofthesamebrewery?

❏ ❏ 2.claimedtohave“loved”abeerfromabrewery,eventhoughyou’veneveractuallyhadit?

❏ ❏ 3.defensivelycalledsomeoneelseafanboy/girl?

❏ ❏ 4.madeanalogiesinvolvingZeldaorFinalFantasywhentalkingaboutbeer?

❏ ❏ 5....claimedthatonebreweryis“totallyrippingoff”anotherbrewery’sbeerorbranding?

If you answered “yes” tomore than one of the above, you’reteeteringdangerouslyclosetothefanboy/girlline.

TheBeerGeekHallofFame

Behind every great pioneering brewery is a personality —sometimes the brewer, sometimes not — that helped launch theoperationintoBeerGeekstardom.It’sfortheseindividualsthattheBeerGeekHallofFamewascreated.

Entrance to the Beer GeekHall of Fame is an honor bestowedonlyonthoseselectfewwhohavehelpedtobothcreateandinspiretheBeerGeek lifestyle.These individualshaveelevatedbeerfrommerelythestickysubstancethatcoatedfraternityfloors(oratleastone of the substances) to the sophisticated craft beverage it istoday. Their contributions havemade them Beer Geek householdnames.

TommeArthur

Co-founderanddirectorofbreweryoperationsatTheLostAbbey

TommeArthurisknownprimarilyforbringingBelgian-stylebeerstotheforefrontofAmericanbeerculturewithhisbreweryTheLostAbbey.He is also the creator of suchwhitewhales as Yellow Busand Duck Duck Gooze. Though his serious nature (think JohnWayne stare-down) can been misinterpreted, he’s proven to benothingbutgracioustohislegionsoffans,andhisroleinhelpingcreatetheall-importantSanDiegobeerscenewillforeverenshrinehimintheHallofFame.

VincentCilurzo

Co-ownerandbrewmasteratRussianRiver

Co-ownerandbrewmasteratRussianRiverBrewing

The Golden Boy of the Beer Geek scene, “Vinnie,” as he isaffectionately known, can do nowrong.His résumé of both sourandhoppybeers,which includesnumerouswhales (Beatification,PlinytheYounger),isunmatchedinthemodernBeerGeekera.Hisgenerosity in sharing knowledge with both brewers and beerdrinkersalikehashelpedcultivatethespiritofbrotherhoodfoundinthecraftbeerindustrytoday.

VanRoyFamily

Lambicbrewers/blendersatBrasserieCantillon

Cantillon

WithoutthevigilanceoftheVanRoyfamilyoverthepastcentury,thereisagoodchancetheworldwouldhavelostthelambicbeersthatBeerGeeksdroolovertoday.Jean-PierreVanRoymadeanameforCantillonbymakingunapologeticallydryandtartbeerswithavariety of creative ingredients. Now son-in-law Jean carries thetorchand,withit,aparticularaptitudeforknowingjustwhatBeerGeekswant...beforetheyknowitthemselves.

GregKoch

Co-founderandCEOofStoneBrewing

HavingtheaudacitytonameabeerArrogantBastard—andhaveitactuallybegood—wascriticalinsettingthetoneandexpectationsfor the ’90s craft beer boom. By continuallymanaging to remainrelevant(despitearathertryingloveaffairwithseeminglyendlessthree-waycollaborations),KochhaselevatedhimselftoBeerGeekstardom.NorelationtoJim.

GarrettOliver

BrewmasteratBrooklynBrewery

Never has the beer world seen aman somedia savvy as GarrettOliver.Whenyourco-workerexcitedlytellsyouthatshesawaguyonTVtalkingabouthowbeer ismadeandhowitpairswithfood,there’sa99percentchanceit’shim.NoonehasdonemoretobringcraftbeertotheforefrontofAmericanculture.

SamCalagione

FounderandpresidentofDogfishHeadBrewing

He’s the brewmaster who has shaken more hands than apresidential candidate. You’renot really a BeerGeekuntil you’vehad your picture taken with Sam at some beer festival, taptakeover,orotherevent.Themanseemstobeinamillionplacesatonce, but Dogfish Head still manages to crank out quality,boundary-pushingbeersonaregularbasis.ThoughhealmostlostadmittancetothehallwiththereleaseofChicha(abeermadewithmaize and brewers’ saliva), with a few flashes of his dazzlingwhitesallwasforgiven.

MichaelJackson

Beerwriterextraordinaire

When a BeerGeek hears the nameMichael Jackson, his thoughtsdon’t turn to a one-gloved singerbut rather to aneloquent,wild-haired English writer. Known as the Beer Hunter, Jackson beganscouringtheglobeinthe1970sinsearchofthen-obscurebeers.His

tirelesstravelsresultedinthelegendarybooksTheWorldGuidetoBeer (1977) and The Great Beers of Belgium (1991), both of whichforeverchangedthewayweviewbeer.

ArmandDeBelder

Lambicbrewer/blenderatDrieFonteinen

Asecond-generationlambicblender,Armand,likeJean-PierreVanRoy,foughtvaliantlytoensurethatBeerGeeksoftodaycanenjoyauthenticgueuze.Famouslyrefusingtosellanentireyear’sworthoflambicbecausehedeemeditsubparduetoaheatermalfunctioninthecellar,heforevercapturedaplaceinallBeerGeeks’hearts.

KenGrossman

FounderandCEOofSierraNevadaBrewingCompany

Whoknowswhatthebeerworldwouldbelikeifitweren’tforKenGrossman’s iconic Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. This first mainstreamcraft beer was a showcase of American hops and built thefoundationfortheHeadysandNelsonsthatwerelishtoday.

JimKoch

Co-founderandchairmanofBostonBeer

By creating Samuel Adams Boston Lager, Koch (Beer Geeks knowit’s pronounced “cook” and don’t awkwardly mumble “cock”)wagedthewartobringcraftbeertothemassesandnowsatisfiesthethirstofthousandsstuckinairportsduringlonglayovers.

TheAlströmBrothers

FoundersofBeerAdvocate.com

Commonly known as “the Bros,” Jason and ToddAlström createdthe website BeerAdvocate.com in 1996 as a “global, grassrootsnetwork, powered by an independent community of beerenthusiasts and industry professionals who are dedicated tosupporting and promoting beer.” Anybodywho has searched thewebforbeerinfohassurelycomeacrossthiswebsite.Theinternethasheapedfuelonto theragingbonfire that is theworldofcraftbeer, and the Bros have been instrumental in directing andfocusingthatfuel.Thoughsomemaygrumblethattheymoderatetheir website with an iron fist, all can agree that the craft beerscenewouldnotbewhereitistodayiftheBroshadinsteaddecidedtocreateCheeseAdvocate.com.

StayingCurrent:InternetForums

NoBeerGeek livesonan island. In this rapidly trendingworldofcraftbeer,stayinguptodaterequiresconstantmonitoring.Whileinformation can come from blogs, friends, socialmedia, and thelike, thebulkof information seems tobedisseminated throughafew online beer discussion websites, most notably RateBeer.comand BeerAdvocate.com. In fact, most will admit that our currentbeerrenaissancecanbecredited,inpart,tothem.

BeforeAlGoreturnedthefinalscrewonhismagicalWorldWideWebmachine,manybeerloverswereleftstrandedinBMC-swillingpartsoftheworldwithnolike-

mindedindividualswithwhomtosharetheirbeers,ideas,andfrustratedtears.

Now, thanks to thesewebsites,we have a flourishing global BeerGeeknetwork.

The focus of both sites is about evenly split between user-supplied beer reviews and a hodgepodge of various discussionthreads.However,thetwositeshavedecidedlydifferenttonesthatattractdifferenttypesofBeerGeeks.

BeerAdvocate (BA)was foundedby twobrothers, JasonandToddAlström, and is operated out ofMassachusetts. They’re known torule their sitewithan ironfirst.Themotto is “RespectBeer,”andeverything on BA is about beer. Off-topic posts, trolling,inflammatoryreviews,etc.,aredeletedimmediately,andtheyhaveno problem canceling the accounts of repeat offenders. Postingmemeswillgetyouadigitalhand-smack.Peoplewithananything-

goesattituderegardingtheinternetareapttogetupinarmsaboutthispolicing.However,BA isa treasure troveof information,andthereisnobetterplacetoconnectwithregionalbeerlovers.Plus,atyrannicalrulehelpskeepsomeofthesnobsincheck.

Ratebeer,basedoutofSonoma, isamorerelaxedforum.“MachoMan” Randy Savage GIFs float through discussion threads, andBeer Geeks are free to talk sports trash on random posts. Beerreviewsaretypicallyveryshort(fewerthan50words),withsimpledescriptors rather than sentences (BAbeer reviewsareusually inessay form and contain all sorts of flowery language). RateBeerseemstoattractamuchlargerinternationalcommunity,probablyduetothelessintimidating,morelaissez-faireapproach.Thiscanbe a boon to Beer Geeks looking to make some transcontinentalconnections.

Regardlessofthewebsiteyouchoose,itisabsolutelyessentialtofollow at least one of them to stay up to date on beer releases,trends, and happenings. The beer world is ever-changing, and ittakesconstantvigilancetostayontopofcurrentevents.Afterall,partofbeingaBeerGeekisknowingallabouteverythinggoingonintheworldofbeer.

CardstotheChest

Ingeneral,internetforumsarefriendlyandrelativelywelcomingtonewcomers.However,theclassicnoobmistakeistogiveawaytoomuchinformation.

Every city has a handful of stores that are considered “hiddengems”:becausetheyaresmallandout-of-the-way, theseplaceshave a better chance of retaining limited-release beers.

Mentioning these shops online is a surefire way to earn thewrathofthelocalonlinebeercommunity.Samegoesforwhenabar tapsakegofultra-rarebeer, ora shipmentofawhale-ishbeerhitstown.BeerGeeksputalotofliver-workintofindingandevencultivatingthesespotsandarenonetoohappywhenallofasuddenthewholeworldknowsaboutthem.Oncethatinfoisout,itstaysout.

Additionally, asking for this information in the classic “Whatstoresgotthe[insertlatestbeerrelease]in?”threadisgenerallyconsideredpoorformandlazy.BeerGeeksareexpectedtoformagroupof localcontacts (aphonetreeofsorts), throughwhichthisinformationisusuallydisseminated.

C H A P T E R 4Procurement:TheBeerandOtherGeekyGoods

WhileitstartstoseemthatbeingaBeerGeekisallaboutinformationgathering,atsomepointactualbeerhastobeacquiredandconsumed.Andinreality,thisis(atleastitshouldbe)whatreallygetsaBeerGeekoutofbedinthe

morning(orperhapswhatkeepsoneinbed...).

Beer Geeks relish the hunt and chase to find those elusive beersthey’veheardsomuchabout.Andwhenhunting,BeerGeeksfollowawhole set of strategies andguidelines that they’ve communallygathered over the years, helping them become ultra-efficient incapturingtheirprey.

LiquorStoresandTheirBeerGuys:TypesandStrengths

With all the limited-release beers to chase and vintage bottles tofind, no BeerGeek should rely on just one liquor store. Differentstoreshavedifferentstrengths,andit’simportantthataBeerGeekmaintainabevyofharpoonswhenouthuntingforwhales.

Firstandforemost,everyBeerGeekneedstohaveasmallmom-and-popshopthatnooneknowsabout.Thisiswheretoheadwhenthat hyped beer has been bought out everywhere else in town.Anotheressentialisthemega-warehouse.Eventhough90percentoftheirairplanehangarofabuildingisusedtostoreCoorsLight,somedefinitebargainscanbehadhere.Don’tgetoverwhelmedbytheirmassive selection; instead take justa fewminutes toperusetheircraftbeersection.And,finally,youcan’tforgetthehigh-endwine-store-turned-craft-beer-headquarters. It’s this locale where

you can encounter some very obscure beers, albeit at a premium(unfortunately,MasterCicerone–certifiedclerksdon’tcomecheap).

Next, it’s absolutely essential that at each of these locales theBeer Geek befriends the Beer Guy. While the duties of this fineindividualvaryfromplacetoplace,somesortofbeerguyexistsinevery single store. In the small shop, they’ll likely stock the beer,sweep the floors, and even ring you up. In the warehouse, thisfellowwill spendmost of his time in an office combing throughpaperwork and organizing store events. Regardless, his crucialduty, the one that earns him the esteemed “beer guy” title, ischoosingexactlywhichbeertoorder.

Itisforthissolereasonthatthebeerguymustbebefriended,becauseafterall,heholdsthekeytotheelusivebeerycastle.

Wanttoknowwhenthatone-offdoubleIPAiscomingtotown?Thebeerguyknows.GoingtobeonvacationwhenthelatestTopplingGoliathbeerisreleased?Thebeerguycanholdoneforyou.Curioustoknowifanyofthatshipmentofvintagegueuzeisstillaround?The beer guy may just be able to rustle up a bottle from theshadows. Not sure if it’s a freckle or melanoma? The beer guy’scousinisthebestdermatologistintown.

Disclaimer

The term“beerguy” is inherentlysexist.However, forwhateverreason,thevast,vastmajorityofstoreemployeeswhoplacebeerordershavepenises.Itisunclearwhythisisso,butitmayhave

todowiththefactthatthebulkoftheirdayisspentheftingkegsaround, lurking in 35-degree walk-in coolers, and talking toinsufferable Beer Snobs — all of which perhaps most of thefemales of the species have been smart enough to avoid. Butregardlessofthetradesperson’sgender,theterm“beerguy”justseemsright.

However,beforeyougobuyingthemboxesofchocolates,beawarethat not all beer guys are as solid as the next. Just because theyhappentohold thispositionofpowerdoesnotexcuse themfromneedingtoearnaBeerGeek’sdevotion.Sohowdoyoudetermineifyourbeerguy isuptosnuff?Agoodoneshouldknoweverythingaboutthelocalbeerdistributionscene,including:

Anythingandeverythingabouteverybeerofferingontheshelves

Newbreweriesarrivingonthescene

Whattheupcominglimitedreleasesare

Howmanycasesofeachofferingarecomingin

Howquicklyaparticularbeerwillsell

Unfortunately, it’s an incredible rarity to find a beer guypossessing all of these traits. Though craft beer is taking over abiggerandbiggersliceofthepie,mostbeerguys’attentionoftenisdominated by the BMC scene. BMC still reigns as the largest (byvolume) chunk of their beer selection (and sales), after all.Therefore,itisoftenuptotheBeerGeektomoldhisbeerguyintoanidealform.Throughaprocessmuchliketrainingadog,simpletaskscanbeingrainedviadirect,positivereinforcement.

BeerGuyTrainingGuidelines

To mold the perfect beer guy (article coming soon to aCosmopolitannearyou),aBeerGeekfirstneedstoknowwhathe’sworkingwith.Herearethethreegeneralbeerguytypes:

CluelessJoe

Habitat:Stripmallliquorstores

Likes:JackLink’sBeefNuggets,MountainDew

Strengths:StorehaslackofcompetitionfromotherBeerGeeks

Thingstowatchoutfor:Lackofcraftbeerknowledge;storehaspooroverallselection

Trainingtips:Askhimtoorderlimited-releasebeersandrewardhimbyregularlybuyingthem

Thisguyhasworkedhiswayuptheranksinthestore.Startingoffas a shelf stocker, he’s proved his worth by showing up to workmost days, and relatively sober at that. Therefore he’s beenawardedthetaskofbeerordering.Joe’sfurthestventureintocraftbeerhasbeenBudLightLime,butheunderstandsthere’samarketfor fancypants beer, regardless of how weird it tastes. Joe won’tunderstandyourobsession,buthecanhelpfillyourgeekishneedsifhe’saroundandit’snottoomuchwork.

WineSnobJacques

Habitat:Wine-centricstores

Likes:VintageBordeaux,turtlenecks

Strengths:Storecarrieshigh-endbeers

Thingstowatchoutfor:Expensivebeers,craftbeerignorance

Trainingtips:Toleratemisguidedadvice

Jacques works in a wine shop that happens to sell beer. He canreadilytellyoutheterroirdifferencebetweenaCôtedeNuitsandaLadoixGrandCru,soknowingall there is toknowaboutbeer isapieceofcake.Therearereallyonlyoneortwotypesanyway,right?Sincebeerissosimple,hefindsitbesttousevagueadjectiveslikerich, flavorful, and smooth to describe just about any of them.

Hoppy is another good one if the letters I, P, and A appear insequence on the label. However, with the store’s buying power

behindhim,Jacquescantypicallygetmostanybeeryouwant.Butbe sure to use your best judgment when his own beerrecommendationscomeintoplay.

JohnTheBeerGeek

Habitat:Beer-firstbottleshops

Likes:Whales,ultra-freshIPAs,RateBeer.com

Strengths:Storeoffersbestbeerselectionintown

Thingstowatchoutfor:Overspendingoninventory

Trainingtips:Buyhissuggestionstohelpsecurefuturewhaleallocations

Onpaper, Johnis thegreatest thingsinceNewZealandhops.Thisguyknowseverythingabouteverybeertheystock.He’suponwhenallthereleasesarecominginandisevensupereagertoholdbeersfor you. Unfortunately, every time you come to the store, John’sheld five additional beers that he just knows you’ll love. All of asuddenthattriptopickupasix-packhasturnedintoa$75affairmadeupofbeeryounever intended tobuy.Visit Johnonlywhenyouneedthatreallyspecialbeer.Or,ifyou’rerich.

Nowyou’reinthehomestretch.

Oncethebeerguytypeshavebeendetermined,it’srelativelyeasytofindthe

bestwaytowinthemover.

It’s all about gentle guidance and working around their flaws toproduceresults.

Positivereinforcementcomesmostly in theformofpurchasesbutcanalsocomefromtakingtheirrecommendationsorturningthemon to things thatwillhelp theirbusiness.WithClueless Joe,forexample,you’llwant to subtly referhim toanewbeeron themarket. When he suddenly begins selling more beer, he’ll beappreciative. In Jacques’s case, requesting his advice on aparticular beer you’ve been curious about (though, of course,alreadyknowabout)willhelptostrokehissommelierego.WhenitcomestoBeerGeekJohn,however,it’sreallyjustaboutrewardinghisoverallattentiontothecraftbeerscenebymakingpurchases.

StraightFromtheBrewery:FillingGrowlersandtheLike

BeerGeekspridethemselvesonknowingwhentodrinkabeer.Notthe time of day (because the answer is always), but the age of abeer.While somebeerscertainly shouldbecellaredandaged, the

vastmajorityofbeersaregoingtobeattheirpeakoftastinessrightwhenthey’rereleased.

For themost part, brewers are the best judges ofwhen a beershouldbe sent out forpurchase. They’re intimately familiarwiththeprofilechangesabeerundergoesandwillreleaseitwhenithitsits stride. Therefore, procuring beer at the source is an attractiveoptionwhentheopportunitypresentsitself.

Breweries with taprooms will occasionally sell bottled andcanned versions of their beer, but, in general, BeerGeeks buyingbeer directly from the source will be doing so with a growler orsomekindofsimilartakeawaycontainer.Thesecontainers,whichareoftenglassjugs,letbeerdrinkersenjoydraft-esquebeerinthecomfort of their own homes while avoiding outrageous taproompricesandminimizinginteractionwiththeI’m-God’s-gift-to-beer-because-I-move-tap-handles-up-and-downbartender.

While Beer Geeks love the growler, they also recognize theshortcomings. Beers are extremely susceptible to oxidation, andwhenagrowlerisfilledwithfoamingdraftbeer,theresultingbrewalmost certainly has an extra dose of oxygen and reducedcarbonation. Additionally, even the geekiest Beer Geek does notclean a growler to the same standards that a brewery does itsglassware. This, combined with the somewhat sketchy sanitaryconditions of most tap lines, means that the beer is ripe forcontamination. Therefore, a Beer Geek will typically drink agrowlerwithinafewdaysoffillingit.

Growlers101

Backinthe1800s,growlerswerehowhomebeerdrinkersgottheir beer. The legend goes that the poor-fitting lids often

leaked, causing the sloshing beer to make gurgling or“growling”noisesduringtransport,hencethename.

Justadecadeagotheonlyoptionwasthetraditional64-ounceglass jug growler, but entrepreneurs have since created ahostofgrowlersinothershapesandmaterials,rangingfromthe awesome-yet-expensive insulated stainless steelHydroflasks to the hipster-friendly ceramic milk jug.Additionally, smaller 32-ounce growlers have recently burstonto the scene. These “growlettes” (known regionally asgrumblers, grenades, howlers,mini-growlers, half-growlers,Boston Round, or growlitos) are a popular choice for thoselonelyBeerGeeksneedingonlytwopintsinsteadoffour.

T A P R O O M L I M I T E D R E L E A S E SSURVIVALGUIDE

While brewery taprooms are usually devoted to growler fillsand on-premises pints, occasionally they’ll play host to thereleaseofalimitedone-offbrew.Thesebeersaretypicallynotdistributed to stores, bars, or other venues and can be

obtainedonlyduringthesereleases.Giventheintrinsicsmall-batch nature and inherent rarity of these beers, they areessentially guaranteed to be delicious and are an obviousdrawforanyBeerGeek.

However, theseeventscangeta littlecrazywithBeerGeeks,fanboys/girls, unsuspecting locals, scalpers, and whaletraders all vying for the same beer. Additionally, seeminglyintelligentbreweriescontinuallyfindnewandcreativewaystoscrewupevent logisticsbyunderestimating thedrawofsaidbeer.

WhenthesereleasesgowelltheycanbesomeofthemostfunaBeerGeekcanhave:youget tomeetotherBeerGeeksandseeoldfriends,allwhilegettinganawesomebeer.Whentheygo poorly, though, they can leave a bad taste in yourmouth,forevermarringtheimageofabreweryyouhadrevered.

7Tried-and-TrueTipsforGettingtheMostOutofaBreweryRelease

1. Alwaysshowupearlierthanyouthinkyoushould.Really.NeverunderestimatethededicationofyourfellowBeerGeeks.

2. Followthebreweryonsocialmedia.Websites,blogs,andfeedsareofteninvaluablesourcesforanylast-minutechangesleadinguptotheevent.

3. Havecashonhand.Creditcardreaderscancrash,andsometimescash-onlylineswillforminordertohelpavoidimpendingstampedes.

4. Alwaysbringabottleortwoofbeertosharewhilewaitinginline,sinceimpromptubottlesharesmightsproutup.Beprepared—nobodylikesamoocher.

5. Haveasmalltastingglass.Don’tgetleftoutofthatin-linebottleshare.

6. Nocutsies—youoryourfriends.Thisisalwaysawkwardsinceyou’lllikelyspotoldpalswhilewaiting,butnothingruinsafestivemoodfasterthanlinecutters.

7. Nomuling.Releasesalmostalwayshaveaper-personlimit.Bringingnon–BeerGeeks(spouses,relatives,panhandlers,etc.)toboostyourallocationisfrownedupon.Alwaysthinkoftheguyinlinewhogetsleftoutbecauseyouworkedthesystem.

OnlineBeerSales:ALastResort

WhenaBeerGeekcan’tfindabeer inher localshops, it’susuallybecausethebeerisultra-rare,isoutsideofherdistributionarea,orshe lives in a neglected beer locale.While beer trading (more onthatlater)willsolveanyoftheseproblems,thereisanotheroptionforsolvingthelattertwo:theonlinebeershop.

Abevyofwebsites carry large selections of craft beer. For themostpart, these storeshave selections similar to thatofadecentbottle shop in amajor city, but keep inmind that they typicallywon’thavelimitedreleasesorultra-rarebeers.Manybeerfansgetexcitedwhen they look at these websites and see that they offerbeers from distant breweries like Cigar City. However, furtherinspection reveals that they only offer their standard six-packbeers, certainly no Hunahpu’s or Good Gourd. These sites arelooking for high-volume sales, and creating a new webpage foreveryone-offbeerthatpassesthroughiswaytootime-consuming.

Therefore,forBeerGeekshuntingnon-rarebeersthataren’tintheirdistributionarea, theonlinebeerstore isasomewhatviableoption.The“somewhat” isduetothecostofshipping:Pricesvaryamongwebsitesbut areoftenbasedon shippinganentireboxofbeer(usually12bottles).Somestoresoffer“free”shippingwhenanentire box is ordered, but a quick investigation shows that thetransport cost has simply been rolled into the price of the beer,whichusually comes out to $3 to $5 a bottle.On the surface, thisseems relatively reasonable, until you multiply it by an entirecase’sworthofbottles.

Whilehigh-rollingBeerGeeksmightnotbat

Whilehigh-rollingBeerGeeksmightnotbataneyeatthisexpense,mostwilldecidethattheirlocalselectionof“normal”beerswill

sufficeandreservetheirshippingmoneyfortradingforwhales.

BeerTrading:TheDarkandWindingPathtoBankruptcy

In a Beer Geek’s relentless pursuit to try every beer produced, itquicklybecomesapparentthatmanybeers—eventhemajorityofthem— are not available close to home. And like the scent of acondor-eggomelet,suchraritybecomesyetanotherlure.

Whiletheonlinestoreisanoptionforacquiringout-of-marketbeers,therearesimplytoomanyotherBeerGeeksgunningforthesamebeers.Andevenifawebsiteisabletokeepupwithdemand,that might just mean that the beer is not as good as everyoneoriginallythought.Instead,thebulkofBeerGeeksopttotradebeerwith distantly located Beer Geeks. This is typically done throughthe beer-related websites BeerAdvocate.com and RateBeer.com,bothofwhichhavededicatedtradingforums.

Ingeneral, these forumsworkon thepremiseofaprospectivetraderpostingarequestthatdescribesa)thebeer(s)thattheywant,and b) the beer(s) they are willing to give up for them. On both

websites these forums are called “ISO:FT,” an acronym for InSearchOf:ForTrade.Whencomposingtherequest,thetitleshouldbewritteninthisformat.

Forexample,sayaVermont-basedBeerGeekislookingtolandaCigarCityHunahpu.LivinginVermont,heshouldhaveeasyaccessto Heady Topper, a well-known trade bait. The Beer Geek wouldbeginthetraderequestwiththetitle:

“ISO:HunahpuFT:HeadyTopper”

Then,inthebodyoftherequest,hewouldlistmorespecificterms,suchas:

“8cansofHeadyforoneHuna”

Enticing tidbits or alternative trade offers are always welcomewaysoffleshingouttheoffer:

“Justpickedupyesterdayfromthebrewery.Superfresh.”“CanalsodoregularlineupbeersfromHillFarmstead.”Anyone interested in the trade then contacts the Beer Geek

through the website’s private messaging function. Publiclynegotiatinginthethreadisconsideredpoorform(mostlyforfearof tradevaluesbeingpublically established; beer tradersare verywaryofpublicizingtradedetails).

Negotiationscanlastafewmessagesorsometimesstretchoutforweeksorevenmonths.Itisnotunusualforthetradetoexpandto include other beers once a rapport is established. After all,shipping is not cheap (a box shipped domestically starts around$12),andmosttraderswanttomakeitworththeirwhile.

Inadditiontotheagreed-uponbeers,itiscustomarytothrowinafewmorebottlesasafriendlygesture.Thesebeersareknownas“extras”andareanexcellentexampleofwhatBeerGeekery isallabout.Thedifficultyliesindecidingwhatlevelofextrastoinclude.Provide too much or too little, and you might end up with anawkwardsituationwhereonepartyfeelstheydidn’tsendenough.While somewhat clumsy, the fairly typical scenario is to agree to

thelevelofextrasinadvance.Thiscanbesomethingassimpleas,“twotothreelocalbeers.”Itisalsoperfectlyacceptabletoagreetoomitextras.

Oncethetermshavebeenestablished,bothpartiesthenpackuptheir respective boxes of beer and ship them to each other. Thetimeframe in which the box will be shipped is generally agreedupon in advance, and a message is sent, along with a trackingnumber,when it goes out. First-time traders are expected to shiptheirboxfirst,withthemoreexperiencedpartyfollowingsuitoncethetrackingnumberhasbeenreceived.Acertaindegreeoftrustisrequired inshippingaboxofrarebeer toarelativestranger,andthishelpsputmindsatease.

AcronymEtiquette

While there iscertainlyspokenslang in theBeerGeekworld,themostprevalentslang iswritten, largely inacronyms.Thisis especially true in the online beer community, whereacronymsareusedextensively. Like in spoken language, thisservestospeedupcommunicationandsignalahighdegreeofexperience. Acronyms can be tricky, though, and using themincorrectly can result in more damage than good. Forguidance,consult ,andalwaysabidebythefollowingfiveacronymguidelines:

Knowyouracronym.Seemsobvious,butreferringtoThreeFloydsas3F,insteadofFFFwillearnyouaninstantnoobtattoo.

Don’tcreateacronyms.You’llonlyappeartobetryingtoohard.Acronymsarenotcoinedbyanyone;theysimply

theBeerGeekDictionary

appearoutoftheBeerGeekethos.

Waittoseeitatleasttwicebeforeusing.ABeerGeekwaitsuntilthenecessityofanacronymhasbeenestablished.Excessiveacronymshelpnoone.

Nevervocalizeacronyms,exceptinspecificinstances.ReferringtoRussianRiver’sPlinytheYoungeras“P-T-Y”atthebarshouldearnyouaninstantcoldshoulder.Itisacceptabletovocalizesomeacronyms(seetheBeerGeekDictionary),butinthesecasesyoumustalwayssaytheletters(G-A-B-F,notgab-fah).

Neveraskwhatanacronymmeans.ExcepttoGoogle.Ifyouhavetoask...

DeterminingTradeValue

Toanewtraderitmayseemdauntingtodeterminewhatmakesatradeofferfair.ThebestapproachistowatchtheISO:FTforumtoseewhat offers are being put up for the beer you’re considering.While you probably won’t see the actual negotiation, peopleoccasionallypost“Allsethere,”orsomethingsimilar,toletpeopleknowwhen the offer is closed (suggesting that the original offerwas not unreasonable). Additionally, lopsided trade offers areusuallymetwith...spiritedcriticism.

Whenitcomestoframingatradeoffertherearetwoschoolsofthought. Some Beer Geeks opt for the dollar-for-dollar trade,meaningthetradeisbasedonthecostofabeer,notitsrarity.Thisiscommonforbeersthatarenotsuperrarebutjusthavealimiteddistribution area (Heady Topper and Pliny the Elder are good

examples).When going the dollar-for-dollar route, it is typical toinclude“$4$”intheposttoattractlikemindedindividuals.

Dollar-for-dollartraderstypicallysleepverywellatnightandhaveahighopinionof

themselves.

Themorecommontypeoftradeisbasedonrarityandknownasa“streetvalue”trade.Suchtradesaremoredifficulttogetafeelforbecause everyone will have a different opinion of a beer’s rarityandvalue.Thebestapproach inthiscase is toputyourbestofferout there and seewhat kinds of responses come back. Theworstthatcanhappen?Atorrentialonslaughtofonlineshamingforthestupidityofanunevenoffer.

TheGreatHypeMachine

Thetradevalueofabeerisbasedontheamountofhypethebeerhas received. Therefore, it is always in the trader’s interest tomake his local, limited-release beers as desirable as possible.When reviewing these beers online, a beer trader will ensurethatanyflawsareoverlookedandstrengthsmagnified.Inquiriesastotheavailabilityofthebeeraremetwithclaimsthatit“neverevenhittheshelves.”Especially“industrious”tradersworkinginconjunctionwillcreatesimulatedtradethreadstomakeitappearthat these beers have been successfully traded for beers welloutside their league, thereby elevating their perceived status.Most in the trading community believe these strategies andtechniques were initially perfected in the Chicago beer trading

scene (reports of a Chi-town Beer Traders Union have neverbeenverified)andhavesincebeenappliedelsewhere.

ShippingMethodsandtheLegalityofBeerTrading

Thereareavarietyoflegalconcernsinvolvedinthetradingofbeer.Foremost would seem to be the lack of a state liquor license byeither party, which is legally necessary for the transfer of beer.Some argue that since the beer is being traded, not sold, thisrequirementdoesnotapply,butmostwouldagreethat’sastretchat best. Another issue is with each state’s alcohol import laws.These laws vary widely, but most don’t allow the unlicensedmovementofalcoholacross stateborderswithoutproper taxandduty collection (to determine how serious your state is in thisregard, check an online beer store to see if they can ship to yourstate). In reality, though, the issue that brings beers traders themostanxietyrevolvesaroundalcoholshippingmethods.

Per the United States Postal Service, it is illegal to use theirservices to transport alcohol, and, depending on the state, youcouldbechargedwithafelony.Basically,noBeerGeekisgoingtousetheUSPStoshipaboxofbeer.TheprivateshippingcompaniesFedExandUPSaremore lax inthesensethat it isnotnecessarilyillegal (outside of the import law as mentioned above) to shipalcohol; it’s just against their policy. However, according to BeerGeekswho’vebeenunfortunateenoughtobecaught(leakingboxesare the typical giveaway), theworst-case scenario is that the boxwillbedisposedofandassociatedaccountcanceled.

To avoid interactionwith inquiring clerks,most people createanonlineaccount,printoutthelabelathome,andleavetheboxintheoutgoingbinofadrop-offlocation(suchasKinkos).

Ifquestioned,veterantraderssaythatsloshingsoundsarebestexplainedbysayingthatyouareshippingbarbeque

marinades(leadingFedExemployeesacrossthecountrytobeundertheimpressionthatthereisamassivemovementofmarinade

aficionados).

The final legal hurdle surrounds the possibility that you aresendingalcoholtominors.Thereisnorealwaytoverifyatradingpartner’sageoutsideofrequiringanadultsignatureupondelivery,which would surely raise a red flag with the shipping company.Nonetheless,manyreasonthatunless the tradingrequest is forakeg of Keystone or a box of Boone’s Farm, a minor already inpossession of beer is unlikely to want to trade it for other beer(though weirder things have happened). Either way, providingalcoholtominorsisaveryseriousoffense.

With all these legal issues in mind, one might wonder whyanyonewouldevertradebeer.Therealityisthathundredsofbeertrades go down every day on an easily traceable public forum,leadingonetobelievethatauthoritiesmayturnablindeyetosuchsmall-scaleinfractions.Somethinglikedriving56ina55.

TraderFeedback

BothBeerAdvocate.comandRateBeer.comhaveforumswhereyoucan leave feedback on your experience with a trader. Differentforums work slightly differently, but each has a way to track aperson’s tradehistoryon itsprofilepage, similar to thewayeBaydoes.Thisprovidessomeguidancewhenyouarechoosingpotentialtradingpartners.

While trader feedback forums definitely help weed out badtraders,thereisalwaysariskofatraderturningsourandrippingoffeventhemostveteranoftraders.OnesuchthinghappenedonBeerAdvocate.com a few years agowhen a well-known, seasonedtrader set up a series of concurrent large, high-value trades,receivedthebeer,nevershippedonhisend,andthendisappeared.Thatis,untilafewmonthslaterwhenthebeersshoweduponeBay.Insuchcases there isn’t reallyany legal recoursesince thewholepremiseisillegal;it’sjustanacceptedrisk.

TheDosandDon’tsofBeerTrading

COMMUNICATEoftenandpromptly.

PACKYOURBOXexcessivelywell.Itshouldbeabletowithstandbeingtossedontoaporch.

RESPONDtoeachtradeoffer,beityesorno.

BEHONESTinthetraderfeedbackforums.

USEARIDICULOUSAMOUNTOFACRONYMSandslanginyourISO:FT.Itfeelstoogoodnotto.

SETUPthe“extras”expectationinadvance.

SHIPquickly.

DON’T

CREATE“FEELER”POSTSwithnorealintentionoftrading.

BECOMEIMPATIENT.It’sokaytowaitacoupledaysforaresponse(aweekistoolong,though).

BEAFRAIDtosay“nothanks”ifyougetabadvibefromanoffer.Poorgrammarandmisspellingsshouldbejudgedharshly,astheyareanexcellentindicationofcharacter.

TRYTORIPPEOPLEOFFwithlopsidedtrades.BeerGeekeryisnotabouttryingtogetthelargesthoard.

PROPOSEauction-typeISO:FTs(i.e.,“makemeanoffer”).It’snotaboutgettingthemostfortheleast.

THREADJACK.Specifically,don’ttrytoleachoffofsomeoneelse’sISO:FTbyusingtheirthreadtoofferthesamedeal.SetupyourownISO:FT.

BACKOUToncethetermshavebeenagreedupon.

In-PersonTradesandGroupTrades

Onewaytoavoidthelegalandshippinghasslesofbeertradingistopropose an in-person trade. These trades work the same as theshipped-beertrades,asfaraspostingandnegotiating,butthefinaltrade occurs in person (duh). BeerAdvocate.com has a dedicatedforumforin-person(IP)trades,whileRateBeer.comleavesituptothe poster (“IP Trade” is typically included in the thread title).While in-person trades have their obvious benefits, they’remuchlesspopularduetothelimitedpoolofprospectivetradingpartnersandthefactthattradingpartnerswilltypicallyhaveaccessonlytobeersthatyoualsohaveaccessto.However,ifyoumissedoutonalocallimitedrelease,thisisoneofthebestwaystogetabottleanda good way to meet local Beer Geeks and/or weirdos. In-persontradesalsoworkwellwhenvacationing . . .nodoubtyour spousewillenjoyit.

In addition to beer trading between individuals, there are also“BeerItForward”trades,inwhichagroupoftradersswapbeerinavarietyofdifferentways.Thesetradesaresetuponthesamebeer-related websites (BeerAdvocate and RateBeer) as normal ISO:FTtrades.Apersonlookingtohostthegrouptradewillpostarequestfor participants, along with the general guidelines and tradingstyle.

Thevariousgrouptradingstylesareasfollows:

BIF(BeerItForward).Thegrouphostsendsaboxofbeertooneofthegroupmembers.Thatmemberthensendsaboxofbeertoadifferentgroupmember.Thiscontinuesuntil

everyonehasreceivedaboxofbeerwiththehostbeingthelasttoreceiveabox.Generalboxexpectations(styles,amounts,etc.)aredeterminedbeforetheBIFbegins.Ina

shotgun-styleBIF,allboxrecipientsareassignedinadvanceandsentatthesametime.

GIF(GrowlerItForward).ThesameasaBIFbutwithgrowlersinsteadofbottles.

CIF(ChaliceItForward).ThesameasaBIFbutwithglasswareinsteadofbeer.

LIF(LotteryItForward).Thisstylerevolvesaroundagroupoftraderswhosendorreceiveboxesbasedontheoutcomeofsomesortofevent.Forexample,eachmemberisassignedanNFLteamandwhentheirteamlosestheyhavetosendaboxtothevictor.PitytheBeerGeekwhogetsdealttheJaguars.

CharityLIF.VerydifferentfromthestandardLIF;intheCharityLIF,aboxofbeerisofferedupforlotterybyanindividual.Manytimesthisisdonetoraisemoneyforacharity(forexample,every$10donatedtoSt.Judesisanentrytowinaboxbeer).SometimesCharityLIFsaredonewithoutdonations,withagenerousBeerGeekjustlookingtomakesomeone’sday.Thisisnotexactlyagrouptrade,exceptinthesensethatmultipleBeerGeeksarevyingtowinthebox.

TheValueofBeer:LearningtoRecognize(andDisregard)the

$/oz.andOtherMetrics

It isanunfortunatecircumstance thatbeercostsmoney.Becauseofthis,BeerGeeksmustalwaysconsiderapint’sprice.Thisisnotto say that BeerGeeks are cheap, actually quite the contrary, butthereare(seeminglyever-escalating)limits.

When weighing a beer’s price, one must first consider itsvolume.Tenyearsagonearlyallbeerwasservedin16-oz.pintsor12-oz. bottles or cans, but the rise in popularity of the 22-oz.bomberblewthedoorsoffthisstandard.Bottledandcannedbeersnowregularlycomeinsizesrangingfromthe9-oz.niptothe375-mLdemibottle,andallthewayuptothe32-oz.oilcan.Andthoseare justbottlesyoucangetat thestore.Oncebarownersrealizedcustomerswouldbuybeersinsizesotherthanpints,theonslaughtof10-oz.poursbegan.

ThisvarianceinvolumehasledtothecreationoftheDollarPerOunce metric among Beer Geeks, a relatively straightforwardmeasurementthatallowsyoutoeasilycomparethecostofbeersinvaryingcontainersizes(similartotheunitpricingyoufindinthegrocery store). Easy enough to crunchwhile sober, it’s perhaps alittletoughafewbeersin.However,usingthismetrichelpsaBeerGeekmakesoundfinancialdecisionswhenchoosingherbeer.Forexample, let’s use it tomake a choice among the beers shownonthechartbelow.

Whenyoulookatthischart,multiplethingscometo light.Forexample,iflookingforaFlandersred,manywillgetstickershockfromtheMadameRose,butasyouseehereitactuallycomesouttoanearlyidenticalpriceperouncewhencomparedtotheseeminglymoremodestlypricedTrinityOldGrowth.Bothof thesebeersaremore thantwice theunitpriceofRodenbachGrandCru,aclassicFlandersred.

ThechartalsoshowsusthatMikkeller’sDIPA,1000IBU,isslightlymoreexpensiveperounce than thecult favoriteCantillonClassicGueuze(ifyoucanfindit),whichmightcauseyoutoscratchyourhead. And you can see what a bargain six-packs are whencomparing Cigar City’s beloved Jai Alai IPA to the unit cost of abomberofGreenFlash’sIPA.ButGreenFlashfansfearnot,asthismeasurement also proves that the brewery’s homage to Orval,RayonVert,isabouthalfthepriceoftheTrappistoriginal.

You don’t need a Rainman-esquemathmind to come upwiththesenumbers.Instead,simplyroundtheouncesanddollarstothepointthattheyareeasilydivisible.Itjustneedstobecloseenough

thatyoucancomparethevariousoptions.Suddenly,theseeminglyimpossibletaskofpickingoutabottleatyourlocalstorebecomesvastlyeasier.Sure,thatlemurpoop–infusedAleSmithstoutmaybegettingtonsofhype,but$2/oz.istoocrazyformostbeershoppers.The key is knowing your $/oz. limits and sticking to themwhendecidingtosplurgeonthatultra-raregem.

Another popular metric is the Alcohol per Pour. When facedwith a beermenu that has varying pour sizes, it can be tricky todetermine exactly how much alcohol you’re getting from thedifferent options. While difficult to grasp at first, thismeasurementcutsouttheconfusionbyfiguringhowmuchalcoholisactuallyintheglass.Theformulaisasfollows:

AlcoholPerPour=ABVxouncesofpour

Takeforexamplethegroupofbeersonthischart:

Initially, many people would think that having two pours of 90MinuteDouble IPAwouldmake youmore tipsy than two EnglishpintsofBass,butasshownabove,they’dbewrong(thoughnotbymuch).YoucanalsoseethatapintofBell’sTwoHeartedIPA,withits sneakilyhighABV,actuallypacks the samepunchperpourasStone’sbruisingOldGuardianbarleywine.

At first glance, this measurement appears to be about thequickest way to get drunk, a sort of lush statistician’s tool, butreally it should be used to make educated session-drinkingdecisions.Whilesomemayalwaysgoforthehighestalcohol/pouroption, others will instead choose the opposite because they arelookingtoenjoymorethanonebeerwithoutbeingoverwhelmedbytheeffectofthealcohol.

Now, those looking to get themost “bang” for their buckwillwanttocomparetheAlcoholPerPouroutcomewiththecostofthe

pour.TheresultistheSUGS(Sauced-UpGeekStatistic)rating:

SUGS=cost÷alcoholperpour

Using the same beer list as the previous chart, but this timeincludingprices,thefollowingchartgivestheSUGSratings:

ThelowertheSUGS,thecheaperitistogetabuzz.I’llhaveaSierraNevadaPale,please.

You might imagine that these calculations would require anormalBeerGeektocarryacalculatorintothebarorbottleshop.However,BeerGeeksdonosuchthing.Rather,theydevelopasort

of sixth sense for these metrics, subconsciously doing thecalculationsintheirheads.Thisgivesthemonemoretoolintheirbag full of tricks, enabling them to pick out the gems fromoverpricedbeermenus.

Brewerania:Coasters,Signs,andOtherJunk

TherecluseBeerGeek isnearlyanonentity.Ahugepartof livingthebeery life is sharingexperienceswith likeminded individuals.So, after an especially rare beer or exceptional brewery visit, it’snatural to want to document the occasion with some sort ofkeepsake,likeatrophytoprovethepinnacleachievedinyourbeereducation.

Justafewyearsbackyoumighthavecollectedemptybottlesorcoasters to remember the event, but in today’s digital world theexperienceisusuallydocumentedbyuploadingphotostoFacebook

or“checkingin”abeeronthemobileappUnTappd.

ThereremainsasectofBeerGeekerythatcontinuestocollectmementosanddisplaythemlikeanimalheadsinasafaritrophy

Membersof thisgroupareoftenunmarriedandhaveapenchantformovie-posterhomedécor.TheseBeerGeekscanbeidentifiedbytheir bookshelves of empty bottles, vintage beer trays, and tinbrewerysigns.Inevitably,largecollectionsofbottlecapsandcorkscan be found squirreled away in closets in preparation for agrandioseprojectinvolvingepoxyandsomesortofhomebarthatdoesnotyetexistbutwhichisguaranteedtobe“epic.”

There is an element of Brewerania required of all Beer Geeks,however, and that is brewery apparel. At any beer-centric socialfunction, it is expected that Beer Geekswill adorn themselves ineither a hat or shirt that displays how seriously they take beer.While it may look like bragging to the outside observer, theclothing’sfunctionisactuallytwo-fold:

1. toactasaconversationalicebreaker,and

2. tobeasignalflareofsorts,helpingrealBeerGeeks,mixedinaseaoftheuninitiated,homeinononeanother.

BeerGeekEssentials

Though excess paraphernalia is seen as gauche, the essentials(selectbeers,glassware,andworksofliterature)are,well,essential.AtrueBeerGeekalwayshasthefollowingnecessitiesonhand.

RequisiteGlassware

As previously discussed, while Glass Snobs put their efforts intoalways matching a beer to its brewery’s glassware, Beer Geeksinstead spend their time and money on actual beer. Even so, atleast four of each of these classics should be represented in yourhome:

Tulip.Thestandardglass.Itslipped,concaveshapestrikestheperfectbalancebetweenaroma-heighteninganddrinkability.

Shaker(Pint)glass.UsedforrinsewaterduringbeertastingsorwhendrinkingBMC(orsimilar)beers,whereminimaltasteexperienceispreferred.

Weissglass.Thistall,sexystylemaximizesheadretentionandaestheticsandfacilitateshigh-volumeswilling.Usedforsessionableorwarm-weatherbeers.

Snifter.Usedforhigh-ABVsippingbeers,likevintagebarleywinesandBelgianquads,wherethearomaisjustasimportantasthetaste.

EssentialCellarStock

Anyself-respectingBeerGeekrecognizesthatcertainbeersbenefitfrom a stint in the cellar. Aging beer at one’s home signals yourlevelofknowledgeandcommitmenttofermentedmaltbeverages.Astandardcellarwillinclude:

Americanbarleywine.Toohoppytobeworthagingforalongperiodoftime,butsixmonthstotwoyearswillmellowthe

boozinesswhilestillmaintainingalupulinbouquet.TheclassicchoiceisSierraNevadaBigfoot.

Englishbarleywine.Withdeepsherrynotes,acornucopiaofdriedfruit,andhintsofChurchill’sarmchair,thereisnotamorecellar-worthybeer.VintagebottlesofThomasHardy’sAlearerequired,alongwithJ.W.Lees.

Imperialstout.AswithAmericanbarleywines,agingpotentialislimited,butayearortwomellowstheastringentroastednotesintoblackchocolatedeliciousness.Barrel-agedversionsarepreferredfortheirgreatercomplexity.

Belgianquad.ThebarleywineofBrussels.Overtime,thehot,spicyyeastnotesmeltintovanilla,caramel,andraisins.LikeEnglishbarleywines,theauthenticallysourcedversions(Rochefort,Achel,DeStruise)arefavorites.AtleastonebottleoftherareWestvleteren12shouldbekeptonhandand,ifrequested,happilyopenedasthoughit’saneverydaybrew.

Flandersred.Almostalwayspasteurizedpriortobottling,thissourbeertakesonrichoxidative(caramel,fig,sherry)notesovertime.Vintagebottlesarethego-tooptionforvisitingwinesnobswhoinsistthey’re“justnotintobeer.”

Gueuze.NobeercellariscompletewithoutastrongpresenceofBeerGeekchampagne(acaseof750-mLbottlesminimum).Agesgracefullyanddelicatelyfordecades.

Bordeaux,orsimilartannic-richwine;oneortwobottles.Thisconveysthatyouunderstandandappreciatethatwineisage-worthybutthatyouconsiderbeerthesuperiorcellar

stock.“Ohsure,Iagewinetoo,butbeerisjustsomuchmorecomplex.”

MandatoryLibrary

ThehallmarkofaBeerGeekisadeepunderstandingofthecraftingand makeup of all things beer. A library of beer literature isrequiredforreferencingandasadisplayofyourdedication:

TheCompleteJoyofHomebrewing.Homebrewerornot,you’llfindthisclassicguidebyCharliePapaziandeliversbrewingknow-howinaneasy-to-understandformat.

TheOxfordCompaniontoBeer.Theultimatebeerbook.Essentialinfooneverythingbeer-related,writtenbytheexperts.Itsheftypricetagtellseveryoneyou’reaconnoisseur.

TastingBeer.RandyMosher’sclassicguidetodrinkingbeer.ABeerGeek’slifetrulybeginsonlyafterreadingthisbook.

VintageBeer.Everythingyouneedtoknowaboutstockingandenjoyingyourcellar.Writtenbytheworld’smostfascinating,andmosthumble,beerwriter.

WildBrews.Providesatechnicalunderstandingoflambicbeersandbeyond.ByJeffSparrow.

RadicalBrewing.Despiteadisturbingamountofvintage-beer-coasterporn,thisquintessentialbookonbrewingtechniques,alsobyRandyMosher,coversnearlyeverybeerstyle.

Yeast.ChrisWhite’s(ofWhiteLabsfame)masterworkonthemicro-biologicalworkhorseresponsibleforbeer.

LambicLand.Theultimateguide—includingproduction,tasting,andvisitingnotes—totheBeerGeek’smostsought-afterbeerstyle.

GoodBeerGuideBelgium.Theonlyguidebookneededduringtheultimatebeercation.

FridgeFodderABeerGeek’s refrigeratorhasbeerat the ready foranysituationthatmayarise.Atypicalinventory:

Six-packorbomberofanIPAlessthanonemonthold

Five-packofBMCleftbynon–BeerGeekfriendsfromyourlastparty(offeredonlytostubbornBMCdevoteesandalwaysasalastoption)

750-mLbottleofvintagegueuzeondeckforimpromptucelebration

Bomberofbarrel-agedstrongbeer(barleywine,imperialstout,etc.)

Six-packoflocal,sessionable,craftale

AechtSchlenkerlaRauchbier(orsimilarsmokedbeer)forabeerymarinade

Cheesepairings:avintagecheddar,afunkyblue,andasoft,mildgoatcheese

C H A P T E R 5Drinking:Where&How

Toputitmildly,BeerGeeksareparticularaboutthebeertheydrink.Theydon’twastetime,money,andlivercapacityonbadbeer,andtheyputaformidableamountofthoughtintothebeertheyconsume.Butconsumetheydo,and

impressivelywell.

Luckily, the era of having to hunt far and wide for a bar orrestaurantwithadecentbeer list isbecomingathingofthepast.Sometimesyou can even findgoodbeer at places thatused to bebeery wastelands, like airports, concert venues, and sportingevents. And let’s not forget themagic of the beer festival, whereeveryday beer drinkers get caught up in the wave of beeryamazingness and start down the path to becoming full-fledgedBeerGeeks.

Nevertheless, the at-home beer-drinking scene with its bottleshares and blind tastings will always be the domain of hardcoreBeerGeeks.Onlyherecangeekstrulygeekout—and,say,splitabottle 15 ways before engaging in an adjective-fueled pissingmatch.Mmm,Hungarianlate-harvestcurrants...

Let thefollowingchapterbeyourguide todrinking likeaBeerGeek,whereveryouhappentobe.

Bars:TypesandStrengthsBeerGeeksare forever seeking craft beer inbars acrossAmerica.And as craft beers, with their superior flavor (and higher price),slowlybecomeacceptedby themasses, thechoicesareconstantlyimproving.

Inmostmajorcitiesitisnolongerunusualto

Inmostmajorcitiesitisnolongerunusualtofindbarsdevotedsolelytocraftbeerwith

naryaBMContap,

andBeerGeekswillalwayssearchouttheseestablishments.However,itremainsanunfortunatetruththatthevastmajority

of bars still treat craft beer as a hoity-toity afterthought, if theyconsider it at all. So, when you find yourself faced with thefollowing bar types, use this handy guide to navigate your waythrough.

Beer bar.Wonderful establishments built by and for BeerGeeks.ThisiswhereBeerGeekscanaskannoyingquestionsaboutabeer’sproduction size, ingredients, or serving temperature — and getenthusiastic responses rather than confounded, annoyeddismissals.Beersarekeptatthepropertemperature,taplinesareimmaculately clean, the draft list is ever-rotating, and the bottlelistincludesvintages.Ifanyofthesethingsarenottrue,itisnota

beer bar, and an alternate drinking destination should beconsidered.

TheBottleShopBar

The bottle shop bar is a subset of the beer bar. Certain statesthathavewonderful liquorlawsallowliquorstorecustomerstodrinktheirpurchasesin-store.Whilethismayconjureupimagesof bums chugging forties in the strip mall liquor store, what itusuallylookslikeisahigh-endbottleshopwitha“half”bar.Thisis a fantastic thing for a Beer Geek because the options are

probably light-years better than at your average bar, plus youcanvisuallyperuseyourchoices.Ontopofthat,pricesaregoingto be that of a liquor store (some charge a small corkage fee),enablingonetosampleonthecheap.Ifwecouldallbesolucky...

Hipsterbar.Typicallydisguisedasadivebarbuteasily identifiedbythepresenceofveganbakedgoods,fixed-gearbicycles,andthewearingofknithatsinthesummer.Loversofeverythingcraftandhomegrown, thesebarsarefarfromtheworstchoiceandusuallyhave a handful of local options. But don’t expect great things, astheaveragepatronisnotlookingformuchdepthinhissuds.

College bar. College bars vary greatly depending on locale.Certainly your average college bar in Fort Collins, Colorado, isgoing to have a superior selection to one in Gainesville, Florida.Thatsaid,eveninthebestofcollegebars,thetapsaregoingtobelimited to the local session offerings (Fat Tire in Fort Collins, forexample).BeerGeekswon’ttypicallyfrequentsuchvenues,butthesavinggraceofthecollegebarisitsseemingdisregardforthecraftbeer pricing premium. It is only at these establishments thatblanketspecialslike$2beersor2-for-1pintsareofferedregardlessof thechosenbeer.ABeerGeeknever turnsdowna$5pitcherofOdell’sIPA.

Sportsbar.A largecategory ranging fromthecleavagechains tothe ubiquitous strip mall locale. Many Beer Geeks have a sharedloveofsportingeventsandbeerandwillthereforefindthemselvesat such establishments frequently. While no limited release orspecialtytapbeerswillbeavailable,mostplaceshaveadecentcraftselection.However,bewarythatglasssizesusuallycomeineithertheridiculous“large”(25+oz.)orthemoreappropriate“small”(12to16oz.) sizes.BeerGeeks,with theirunderstandingofhowbeerflavorschangeasabeerwarms,alwaysordertheappropriatesize.

Also,bewarethatthisisthefavoritehidingspotofthedreadedfrostedmug.

Brewpub.Averylargecontingentbutalsoaslowlyshrinkingone.In the ’90s, when people were still unwilling to spend a largepremium on well-crafted beers, new brewers felt compelled toofferfullfoodservicetohelppaythebills.Butintoday’sbravenewbeerworld, thesky is seemingly the limitas towhat thepublic iswilling to pay for a pint, and brewers now easily cover themortgageonbeeralone.Mostbrewpubsstillaroundareholdoversfrom the old era and typically known as restaurants rather thanbreweries. Beers are usually limited to the omnipresent WASPselection(Wheat,Amber,Stout,Pale)andarealltooforgettable.

FauxIrish/Britishpub.Decadesago,thesecookie-cutterpubswerethe only salvation of pioneering Beer Geeks. Thiswas backwhenthe tiny bit of flavor found in the three or four factory-brewedUK/Irishoptionswereawelcomealternativeto,well,thecompletelackofflavorfoundinAmericanfactory-brewedbeer.

Nowadays,havingGuinnessontap

Nowadays,havingGuinnessontapimpressesnobody,

and only a fraction of these bars have embraced craft beer. Ingeneral,themajorityshouldbeavoided,oratleastnotsoughtoutforanykindofrealbeerselection.Ifyoufindyourselfinsuchanestablishment, inquire if they have any Chimay Red, which forsomeoddreasonalwaysseemstohavesquirreleditswayintotheseplaces.

Airport bar. Typically the domain of sugary sweet, terrifyinglyneoncocktails;beeroptionsareoftenverylimited.ThereisBMCofcourse, and the ubiquitous Samuel Adams Boston Lager (it’sapparentlyanFAAviolation tooperateanairportbarwithout it).Youmayevenbeluckyenoughtofindtheblandestofferingfromthelargestlocalcraftbrewery,butthat’saboutallaBeerGeekcanhope for. In otherwords, grim stuff. There are a few exceptions,though,and thebestapproachto locating theseestablishments isto search theBeerAdvocate.comforums,as thequestionhasbeenansweredbythelocalsforjustabouteverymajorUSairport.Lookfor brewery tap houses, especially in beer-loving regions (RockyMountains, Pacific Northwest), but don’t get too excited, asmostonlyoffer their flagship lineup (I’m lookingat you,NewBelgiumHub). If all else fails, you can sometimes find decent options athigher-endfoodestablishments.

NotableAirportBreweryTaprooms

SanDiego:StoneBrewingCo.

Portland:RogueAlesPublicHouse

Tampa:CigarCityBrewing

Denver:NewBelgiumHub

Cleveland:GreatLakesBrewingCompany

Atlanta:SweetwaterDraftHouseandGrill

Chicago(O’Hare):GooseIslandBeerCompany

Hotelbar.Asimilarsituationtotheairportbar,asfarasselectiongoes. In reality, though, most Beer Geeks rarely experience thehotel bar, since they are presumably traveling to a city with adifferent regional distribution than their home area. Thismeanstheywill insteadbeata localbeerbar tryingoutnewbeers,or intheirhotelroom,drinkingbeerthattheyscoredatthelocalbottleshop(andcouldn’tfitintheirluggage).

Redneckbar.Drinkbourbon.

Dive bar.When considering dive bars (real dive bars, not the hipimitations), choices are about as slimas it gets. Craft options arenonexistentandinquiringafterthemwillusuallyonlyearnyouanicystare.

ABeerGeekfindinghimselfatadivebarusesitasagoodexcusetobecome

reacquaintedwithBMC,ifonlytoremindhimselfwhyhemightspend$20onabottle

ofgoodbeer.

Nightclub.Leave.Ifboundandchained,drinkscotch.

TapTakeovers:ChristmasonaTuesday

Inafull-court-presspromotionaleffort(andtorewardloyalbarowners), breweries sometimes have a “tap takeover” at a beerbar,puttingfiveorsokegsoftheirownbeerontapatthesametime in an attempt to lure local Beer Geeks. The taps usuallyinclude twoor threeultra-raresmall kegs inaddition tooneortworun-of-the-millofferings,andtheyarefrequentlyavailableasaflight(asmallpourofeachbeer).

Therareofferingsareoftenveryrare,sothesetakeoversofferagreatopportunitytotryahandfulofspecialtybeersforarelativebargain.Breweryrepsareusuallyonhandattheseevents,and

schwag flows freely. To take full advantage of the draw, barownersusuallyhostatakeoveronaweekdaywhentheywouldn’totherwisehavealargecrowd.

BreweryTaproomsandTours:YetAnotherMashTun

BeerGeeksnaturallygravitatetowardbreweries.Apowerfulsirencalldrawstheminwiththepromiseofbeerfreshfromthesourceand the possibility of taproom-exclusive brews. However, therearen’ta lotofotherreasonsforaBeerGeek tovisitabrewery. Inalmost all circumstances, engaging in brewery tours or drinkingbeers from their normal lineup are activities considered thedomainoftouristsandnoobs.

Standardbeersthatarenormallydistributedshouldbeavoidedatallcosts,asdrinkingthesewoulddefeatthepurposeofvisitingthe brewery. When choosing a beer at a brewery taproom it isimperativethataBeerGeekidentifyandordertherarestofferingavailable. Well-respected breweries recognize this and have avariety of taproom exclusives on hand at all times. The notableexceptions to this rarity rule are hoppy beers. Given the fleetingnature of hops, incredibly fresh (days-old) versions of IPAs areunique to the same (but less fresh) IPAs bought in a liquor store,making them taproom exclusives in essence, even if their less-freshversionsarenotparticularlyrare.

As for brewery tours, though they may seem appealing intheory,youwillquicklydiscoverthatalmostallofthemconsistof20 to 30minutes of viewing large conicalmetal structures. As a

rule, tours are led by the employee with the least amount ofknowledge of the brewery’s beer and brewing practices.Participantsoftenseethetourastheperfectopportunitytoregale

tourmates of the tales of the time they “got so drunk off [insertbrewery’s flagshipbeer] . . .” anddid something reallydumb. Thetoken homebrewer is a familiar fixture on such tours and, in aneffort to ensure theentiregroupgrasps thedepthofhisbrewingknowledge, constantly badgers the unaware tour guide over thetechnicaldetailsofthevariousconicalmetalstructures.

TheBeerGeekknowsthebestuseofthebrewerytourissolelytoremovetheriffrafffromthetaproom,ifonlyforashortwhile.

BreweriesKnownforTaproom-OnlyBeers

TheBruery(Placentia,CA)

OdellBrewingCo.(FortCollins,CO)

KuhnhennBrewingCo.(Warren,MI)

JackieO’s(Athens,OH)

CigarCityBrewing(Tampa,FL)

Non-DistributingNeighborhoodBreweries

Thelastcoupleofyearshaveseentheemergenceofanewbreedofbrewerythatreliessolelyonon-premisessales.Thesebreweriesareoften homebrewers-turned-pro enterprises that specialize ineverydaydrinkableofferingsverysimilartowhatwasseeninthe’90s brewpubs: amber, wheat, pale, stout. They typically have noplans to grow much beyond being a neighborhood pub and arecontent with these run-of-the-mill selections. Beer Geeksappreciate and sometimes frequent these establishments butspendlittletimethinkingaboutorpromotingsuchventures.Therecertainly are some notable exceptions, such as Peg’s Cantina inGulfport, Florida, known for creating world-class barrel-agedstouts.

AcceptableBreweryTours

While Beer Geeks avoid most tours, there are someexceptions.

1. BREWERIESTHATUTILIZEKOELSCHIPS.Theselarge,shallowopenvesselsareusedforspontaneousfermentation(inoculatinglambics,forexample).ThereisnothingmoreseductivetoBeerGeeksthanthisprocess,andviewingthelargerectangularmetalstructurefillsanotherwiseemptyvoidintheirbeerylives.

2. TOURSTHATINCLUDEATRIPTOABARREL-AGINGROOM.ThefactthatthebreweryevenhasthisroomimmediatelyindicatesthatitiswellrespectedbyBeerGeeks(barrelsinthecornerofthebrewhousedon’tcount).ABeerGeek’sattractiontothebarrelroomisnottiedsomuchtoviewingthewoodenvesselsbutrathertothepossibilitythatthetourguidemightdecidetopullasmallsampledirectlyfromabarrelforthegrouptotaste.Theallureofgettingtosay,“Yeah,it’sgood,butyoushouldtryitstraightfromthebarrel”isstrongenoughtomakeeventhemostjadedBeerGeektolerateatourortwoattherightbrewery.

Restaurants:DrinkingBeerwiththeKiddos

BeerGeeksrequirebeer.Andthey’rehuman,sotheyrequirefoodtoo. Therefore, it’s inevitable that the two needs will cross pathsand some beer drinking will occur at restaurants. And for BeerGeeks who have begun raising a brood of future Beer Geeks,findingafamilyrestaurantthatservesgoodbeermaybetheironlychance togetout into theworldofdraftbeerand taste the latestandgreatesttrends.

Whileatinyhandfulofrestaurantshavelonggivenbeeritsdue,it’sonlymorerecentlythatrestaurantscountrywidehavebeguntoseethelight.Forolderrestaurants,thetimewornstandardoffiverather sorry options (three ofwhich are BMC) is slowly falling tothewayside,andmanynowhavethesamenumberofbeeroptionsas wine. Quite a few newer restaurants are wisely puttingconsiderable effort into catering to the ever-growing (anddemanding)BeerGeekNation.

Thischangecomesoutofahard-foughtandlong-wagedbattleon the part of elder Beer Geeks who refused to be limited toenjoyingqualitycraftbeeronlyatabar.Becausetheyincessantlyinquiredafterdecentbeerchoicesandrefusedtosettleforfactory-made lagers, we are now able to partake of craft beer whileenjoyingagoodmealatarestaurant.Thatsaid,thereisstillsomedistancetogo,andevenmoresowhenitcomestotheknowledgeofthewaitstaff.

Anincredibletaplistisuselessifconsumerscan’tfindanyonetoinformthemaboutit.

In this awkward teenage love affair between restaurant ownersand craft beer, navigating the restaurant beer list brings up awholenewhostofissues...

TheServer

While a bartender typically takes a standoffish approach to yourbeerselection,serversareoftenmuchmoreproactive.Theyseethisastheiropportunitytoblowyourassumedlyfeeblemindwiththeirimposingbeerknowledge.Whilethisisnotsuchabadthingifyouhaveaninformedserver,informedserversareunfortunatelyveryfew and far between. (Note: A Beer Geek always thanks and tipstheserareservershandsomely.)

Instead,inquiringpatronsareoftenofferedsuchgemsas:

It’sbrewedwithCascadehopstogiveitabourbon-likeflavor.

Or,whenaskedaboutthestyleofabeer,

It’sanale,soit’sbetweenacraftbeerandalager.

Ortheever-enlightening,

It’samicrobrew,soit’skindoflikeanIPA.

Whiledealingwiththiskindofservercansometimesbetaxing,

theapatheticalternativeismuchworse.Annoyedbyyouraudacityin wanting to know what beers are available, these servers willoften onlymention the few BMC options they’ve heard of.Whenaskedabout theother taps/bottles (inplainviewat thebar), theirbewilderedreplyis:

Oh,thosearemicrobrews.I’dhavetotryandfindabartendertoseewhattheyare.

Which is then followed by an awkward pause as they silently

dareyoutoaskthemtodojustthat.

TheMenu

Sincemostrestaurantsarenotinthehabitofchangingtheirmenudaily or weekly, they have a difficult time conveying the beerselection to the consumer. Ideally they would have a regularlyupdatedseparatemenu,butmanyplacestakeoneofthefollowingapproachesinstead:

Achalkboardabovethebarlistingallavailableoptions,requiringyoutogetupandawkwardlypeeroverabaroccupant’sshoulders.Giventheimpeccableartistryputintothechalking,theboardisfrequentlyoutofdate.Nogood.

Usageofvaguemenuplaceholderslike“SeasonalTap”or“RotatingSelection.”Thisapproachhasledmanynon–BeerGeeksacrossthecountrytothinkthatSeasonalorRotatingisactuallyabeerstyle.(“HaveyouhadthatSweetwaterSeasonal?It’samazing.”)Itisaclearindicatorthattheestablishmentdoesnotgivemuchconsiderationtobeerandisadisservicetobreweriesandcraft-beerdrinkersalike.

Nomenuatall,insteadrelyingontheservertomemorizetheoptions.Taplistinquiriesareusuallymetwiththeever-infuriating,“Whatkindsofbeerdoyoulike?”(Imaginehavingtoaskwhatisonthe“foodmenu”andbeingaskedthe

samething.)Thenextstepisfortheservertorattleoffalong,rhythmicchantofallthebeerselections(amiserableexperienceforpatronsandserversalike).Ifthechantstartswiththemlookingattheceilingandutteringthewords“Bud,BudLight,Coors,CoorsLight...,”it’saBeerGeek’scuetoorderwaterorbourbon.

Ifyourunintoaless-than-idealserver,improveyourchancesof

landingadecentbeerbyvisitingthebaritself, inquiringwiththebartender,andpeekingatanyglass-frontedfridges.Whenyourunintoagreatserver,queriesabout“off-the-menu”or“just tapped”beerscanoftenresultinsomepleasantsurprises.

The“Seasonal”RedFlag

The word seasonal is an establishment’s way of saying,“Whatever random keg our beer distributor pawns off on us.”Since the restaurant does not take beer seriously, the serversrarelydoeither,oftenresulting inmuchquestioningas towhatexactlytheseasonalis.Theconversationmightgoasfollows.

BeerGeek:“Whatisyourseasonal?”

Server:“It’saBelgianbeer.”

BeerGeek:“Okay...whichbeerfromBelgium?”

Server (confusedly, after a long visit to the bar): “It’s calledBikeTire,it’slikeanale.Kindoflikeamicrobrew.”

BeerGeek:“YoumeanFatTire?”

Server:“Uh,yeah,that’sit.Oneofthose?”

ThePairing

Simplyput,agreatbeer restauranthasagreatbeer list.ButonlythoseinthehighestechelonofBeerGeekrestaurantsgotheextrastep and thoughtfully pair beers with food dishes. These prizedlocales often suggest beers with each dish (many have beersommelierstoguidedinersintheirpairings),anditisquitenormalforbeertobeusedinthecookingprocess.

However, these restaurants are extremely rare (mmmm, rare),and Beer Geeks must always beware those that blindly offerpairing suggestions with seeming randomness (e.g., Shock TopHoneycrispAppleWheatwiththebakedmac’n’cheese).Likewise,somerestaurantswillusebeerinthecookingofadishjustforthesakeofmentioningitonthemenu—adangerouspractice,ashopbitternesspresentsculinarychallengestotheuninitiated.

A Beer Geek knows the general ins and outs of food and beerpairings and can easily spot such ruses (which most commonlyoccurat’90s-erabrewpubs).

TheBasicsofBeerandFoodPairing

While the rest of theworld assumes that ameal is alwayspairedwithwine,BeerGeeksunderstandthatbeer—with itsvastrangeof flavorsandaromas,aswellas thepalate-cleansingadvantagesofcarbonation—isactuallytheultimatepairingbeverage.Entirebookshavebeenwrittenon thesubjectofpairing foodwithbeer.While it may initially seem a daunting subject to learn, a bit ofinspectionrevealsthattherearereallyjustafewgeneralrulesthatguidemostpairingdecisions.

It is vital for BeerGeeks to know these rules, as theymust beable to apply them not only for their own benefit but, moreimportantly,tohelpturntheuninitiatedontogoodbeer.Formanya non–beer drinker the idea of beer is still the BMC theyshotgunnedincollege,butawell-pairedbeerwithamealcanoftenprovidethelight-bulbmomentthatleadstobecomingaBeerGeek.

EvenaBeerGeek’sbeer-drinkingfriendswill leanonthemforsuggestionswhenpresentedwithanoverwhelming listofchoicesatabeercentricrestaurant.Thisisanimportanttaskthatrequirespreparation.

F O O D A N D B E E R P A I R I N G G U I D E L I N E S T OW I N F R I E N D S A N D I N F L U E N C E P E O P L E

1. Gotheharmonizingroute:Pairabeer’sdominantflavorswiththoseofthefood.Pairadark-roastedstoutwithdarkBelgianchocolate,orusethesaazhop–inducedspicinessofaCzechpilsnertobringouttheheatofaThainoodlebowl.

2. Orgothecontrastroute:Anequallyacceptedmethodthatinsteadusesthecentralcharacteristicofabeertocontrastwiththefood.Forexample,usetheacidityofagueuzetocutthroughtherichcreaminessofasoftsheep’smilkcheese,ortametheumamirichnessofbaconwiththeroastedbitternessofacoffeestout.

3. Alwaysmatchstrengthwithstrength:Beithopbitterness,alcoholstrength,oracidity,itisimportanttomatchthatcharacteristicwiththedominantaspectofameal.Thesubtletiesofakolscharebestpairedwithalightvinaigrettesalad,whiletheintensehopbitternessofaDIPAcangotoetotoewiththestrongtanginessofanagedbluecheese.

4. Confidenceiskey:Intheend,astuteBeerGeeksarewellawarethatthesefirstthreeguidelinescoverallmannerofsins,makingitpossibletohaveabasistopairalmostanybeerwithanyfood.It’sallaboutpickingaguidelineandstickingtoyourchoicewithconfidence.Luckily,beerandfoodpairsowelltogetherit’shardtogowrong.

BeerFestivals:GeekingAmidsttheDebauchery

Beer festivals, when done right, are the ultimate experience forBeerGeeks. They offer the opportunity to try new beers, connectwith fellow Beer Geeks, and network with brewers and breweryreps. And the ability to try amassive number of beerswhile stillmaintaining one’s geekiness is an art that must be mastered byeveryBeerGeek.

Therearea lotofgreatfestivalsoutthere,butmorerecentlyalotofnot-so-greatfestivalshaveappearedonthescenetoo.WhatusedtobemostlythedomainofBeerGeekshassincebecomeoneofthemostpopularkindsofeventsintheUnitedStates.Whilethisisgreatforhelpingtospreadthebeergospel, ithasalso ledtoanoverall decline in the quality of beers that breweries bring tofestivals, sincebrewershavehad tobecomemuchchoosier aboutwheretheysendtheirexcitinglimited-releasebeers.LooktothesefestivaltypesforagoodchanceofBeerGeeksuccess:

BreweryFestivalsHighlyRegardedbyBeerGeeks

Largerbreweriesoftenhavefestivalsontheirgroundsonceayear,ortocelebrateananniversary.Beerselectionsarebountifulandincludevintageofferings,barrel-agedvariations,andone-offspecialties.Theseeventsoffergreatopportunitiestomeetbrewersandbreweryreps,andthey’reusuallyveryreasonablypriced.

BarFestivalsTopTier

It’sratheruncommongiventhelogisticalchallenges,butbeercentricbarswillsometimeshavefestivalson-location.Thesefestivalsareusuallyexceptional,sincetheorganizingbarsdothebeerpurchasingandthereforechooseonlythebest(plus,theyareorganizedbyindustryBeerGeeks).NotableexamplesaretheDelilah’sVintageStrongBeerFestinChicago,Ebenezer’sBelgianBeerFestivalinMaine,andtheToronadoBarleywineFestivalinSanFrancisco.

InvitationalFestivalsBeerGeekHeaven

Invitationalstendtobecollaborativeeffortsbetweenvariousbrewerslookingtoshowcasetheirtalents.Thefactthatitgivesthematax-deductibleexcusetofraternizeismere

givesthematax-deductibleexcusetofraternizeismerecoincidence.Contrarytomostfests,theactualbrewersareusuallypouringthebeer,andofferingsaretypicallyexcellent.NotableexamplesareWhattheFunkinDenver,CulminationinAnchorage,ExtremeBeerFestinBoston,andtheFirestoneWalkerInvitationalinPasoRobles.

TheGreatAmericanBeerFestival(GABF)InaCategorybyItself

HeldeveryyearinDenverinaspacethatcouldfitmultipleCostcos,thisfestivalboastsbrewerynumbershoveringaroundamindboggling700.BeerSnobsconsideritoverdone

andlamentabouthowitwasintheirday,butBeerGeeksknowbetter.Thisisahighlyadvancedfestivalthatrequirescarefulpreparation,strategizing,andtraining.AmandatorycheckboxonaBeerGeek’sbucketlist.

StepsforOptimizingtheFestivalExperience

1. Whenconsideringattendingafestival,BeerGeeksbeginbyresearchingthefestival’slistofparticipatingbreweries(seriousfestivalsalsoincludealistofbeerstobepoured).

Theywillthenassemblealistofbeersofinterestandmakeaquickmentalcalculationtodeterminethevalueofeachbeer(basedonwhatitwouldcosttopurchaseortradeforthem).Ifthevalueofthebeerexceedsthatoftheticketprice,aBeerGeekwillattend.Ifthereareout-of-distributionDONGsonthelist,festivalattendanceisano-brainer.

2. Onceit’sbeendecidedthatthefestivalisworthattending,aBeerGeekwillassembleagroupoffellowBeerGeeks,numberingnogreaterthaneight,togotogether.Anylargerandthegroupistoocumbersometoaccommodateserioustasting.

3. Forlargefestivals,astrategizingsessionisheldamongthefellowshipofBeerGeekstocreateaprioritizedlistofbreweriestohitonceinside.Popularbrewerieswillbehithardattheonset,sinceitisnotunusualforrareselectionstorunoutineventhefirsthour.Breweriessuchasthesemakeuptheprioritylist.

4. BeerGeeksalwaysarriveatthefestivalwithafullstomach,preferablyofcheeseorotherfattyfoods,slowingalcoholabsorptiontomaximizeallowableintake.

5. Onceinside,theprioritylistisexecuted.Thetastingformatisoftenlimitedto1-or2-oz.samples.Whensamplingbrewerieshavealine,aBeerGeeknevercampsoutatthefrontinanattempttosamplemultiplebeers.ThisisaclassicnoobmoveandgoesagainstallBeerGeeketiquette.Onceyougetyoursample,headimmediatelytotheendofthelinetogetanothersample.Timeisoftheessence.

6. Fraternizingcanfullycommenceoncetheprioritylisthasbeenaddressed.Atthispoint,thetastingshouldmoveto

“free-formformat”baseduponsuggestionsfromfellowBeerGeeks.Itisnowokaytotalkwithbrewersandbreweryreps,sincebythispointallfestivalattendeeshavehadampleopportunitytosampletheirtopbeers.

7. Asthefestivalwindsdown,theBeerGeeksquicklybecomedistinguishablefromtheposers.WhileBeerGeeksmightcertainlygetdrunkatafestival(therecanbealotofbeerstosample,afterall),theydon’tgotherewiththeprimaryintentionofgettingdrunk.Atthisstage,non–BeerGeeksbeginflingingcoasters,knockingtheirbuddy’sglassoutofhishand,andstealingeverybitofbreweryschwagnotnaileddown.BeerGeeks,havingproperlytrainedfortheevent,maintain(some)composure.

8. Oncelastcallgoesout,aBeerGeek,knowingfullwellthattheremainingsamplesbeingpouredaren’tanyGoldMedalwinners,headsouttograbacaborabite,leavingthefratpacktodoshotsofeverybeerleftstanding.

RecognizeVolunteersvs.BreweryEmployees

Dependingonthefestival,beersmaybepouredbybrewersandbrewery reps or by festival volunteers, or sometimes even acombinationofthetwo.Learningtoidentifyavolunteer(lookforclues like a volunteer nametag or shirt)will help you avoid themistake of asking brewery-specific questions to randomstrangers who are almost never able to answer them anyway.Seeminglysimple,butfrequentlyflubbed.

TheGreatAmericanBeerFestival

TheGreatAmericanBeerFestivalSurvivalGuide

TheGreatAmericanBeerFestivalisthegranddaddyofallthebeer festivalsandoccursevery year inDenver.Whilenotanintimate affair by any means, it affords the Beer Geek theopportunity to tastebeer frommore than700breweriesandmustbeattendedatleastonceinaBeerGeek’slifetime.Pullingoff a successful festival experience takes special advanceplanning.Use the following tips to helpmaximize your trip totheworld’sgreatestbeerspectacle.

Preparation

PreparationstartsinJulywhentheticketsgoonsale.Ticketsaresoldovertwodays, thefirstbeing limitedtoanAmericanHomebrewersAssociation(AHA)memberpresale.Thepresaleis essential because the sale to the general public sells outalmost immediately, allowing only the fastest CAPTCHA codetypers through. Membership with the AHA runs around $40butcomeswithallsortsofotheradvantages, fromdiscountsat almost every US brewery to a subscription toZymurgy toreducedGABF ticketprices.Besure to signup for yourAHAmembership at least a week prior to the presale date toensureprocessing time.Onceyouhaveyour tickets, youcanstartplanninginearnest:

1. Decidewhichsession(s)youareattending:

Thursdayevening:ManyBeerGeeks’favorite.ThecrowdislimitedtothoseseriousenoughtotakeFridayofffromwork.Additionally,asthefirstsession,allbeersareguaranteedtobeavailable.

Fridayevening:Arespectablesession,especiallyforthosewhocan’tweaselthedayofffromwork.Hasthebenefitofallowingbetterstrategizing,sincethepourlistsatmostbreweriesarepostedbythenontheGABFwebsite.Mostbeerstillavailable.

Saturdayafternoon:AlsoknownastheMember’sSessionasitislimitedtoonlyAHAmembers.Attendanceiscappedatalowernumber,andthebrewerorbreweryrepispouringthebeeratmostbooths.Thissessionhasadecidedlymoresophisticatedair.Thetastingglassesaremadefrom

actualglassratherthanplastic,andmanybreweriesreservespecialbeerselectionsjustforthisoccasion.ThemostpopularchoiceofBeerGeeks.

Saturdayevening:Adrunkenshitshow.Thedomainofrovingpacksofbrosandconvicts.Notoriousfornothavinganyofthedecentbeerleft.Mostbrewersandbreweryrepshaveleftthebuildingbythissession.AvoidedbyBeerGeeks.

2. Determineyourlengthofstay.Theentireweekpriortothefestivalplayshosttoaridiculousnumberofbeereventsthroughouttown.It’saBeerGeekfantasyland.Plantostayforasmuchofitasyoucanafford.

3. Iftravelingfromoutoftown,beginbookingflightsandhotelroomsasearlyaspossible.Downtownlodgingisexpensiveandgoesveryquickly;however,thesavinggraceisDenver’sclunkylightrailsystemwithitsstoprightattheConventionCenter.Thisallowsattendeestolookfornon-downtownhotelswitheasyaccesstothistransportationsystemtosaveabitofmoney.

4. Duringthemonthsleadinguptotheeventkeepyoureyespeeledtotheinterwebsforbrewerylists,pourlists,andthefloorplan.Developaprioritylistandmap.Commitittomemoryandhaveyoursignificantotherregularlyquizyou.WarilyutilizetheBrewer’sAssociationGABFapp,whichhashadashaky-at-best(bothsignalandoperation)performanceinthepast.

TheDayArrives

Onthedayofthefestival,youhavetwochoices.Thefirstistoarrivetwohoursearlytogetinthefrontoftheline.Experiencehasshown,however,thatthiswillgainyouonlyabout20extraminutes inside. The other option is to show up around tenminutes prior, and while the length of the line (which wrapsaroundacityblock)isaterrifyingsight,itmovesunexpectedlyfast.Whicheveryouchoose,whilewaitingeatapproximatelyapound of cheese to slow alcohol absorption. Then you’ll beready:

1. Onceinside,takejustamomenttoabsorbtheinsanesizeofthefestival.

2. Sticktothatprioritylist,andmaintainthewillpowertonotbeledastray.

3. Oncethelistisachieved,getabitetoeatatoneofthevariousfoodoutlets.Thenusetherestofthetimetovisitrandombreweries,meetfellowBeerGeeks,andgenerallybehappilyremindedofwhyyoubecameageekinthefirstplace.

4. Thebathroomlineisstartlinglylongbutmovesquickly.Getabarley-winetosipon,andhavepatience.

5. Oncelastcallismade,beelineitoutofthefestivaltobeatthemassestowhereveritisyou’regoing(taxistand,lightrail,FallingRockbarstool,etc.).

HostingaBeerTasting...withStyleandGrace

AcriticalskillforaBeerGeektolearnishowtoflawlesslypulloffabeertasting.Foratastingtobesuccessful,itmustbepresentedasalow-keyaffair(we’reBeerGeeks,notwinesnobs)butalsoprovideavery serious lineup of offerings. These two competing elementsrequireaprecariousbalancingact.

Whenplanningabeertasting,aBeerGeekmustseriouslyconsiderthefollowing:

Marqueebottle.Thetypicalreasontohostabeertastingistohaveanexcusetoopenaveryspecialbeerorcollectionofbeers.Itisn’tessential,butahostisexpectedtohaveatleastafewveryVIPbeerstoopen.Ahostshouldalwaysstrivenotbeoutdonebyhisguests’beers,while a guest should attempt to bring a beer approaching,yetnotexceeding,thequalityofthehost’smarqueebeer(s).

Bottleshare.WhileaBeerGeekmaysometimesprovideallormostofthebeer(typicallytomakeroominthecellar),moreoftenthannot,guestsarealsoexpectedtobringbeertoshare.

Invitelist.Thelevelofaguest’sgeekinessshouldbeappropriatetothebeersbeingpoured.Guestsselectedshouldbeabletoappreciatetherarityandspecialnessofthemarqueebottle(s).

Theme. A tasting needs direction and should therefore have acentraltheme.Beitastyle(barrel-agedimperialstouts),abrewery,oralevelofrarity,athemeprovidescohesivenessandflow.

Theinvitation.Theinvitationshouldclearlyconveythattheeventis a beertasting. While a BBQ or ugly sweater theme could becombinedwiththetasting,itisimportantthatinviteesunderstandthattheforemostactivitywillbetastingandanalyzingworld-classbeers. Having a party of another kind and attempting tosimultaneously hold a beer tasting is a disservice to the beer.Spousesandsignificantothersshouldalwaysbeinvited(noneedtomakebeingaBeerGeekmoredifficult).However,ifthesignificantotherisnotaBeerGeek,heorsheshouldunderstandthatthisisatasting and notmock the event or complain of boredom. Finally,theinvitationshouldclearlystatetheservingformataswellasthequantity, caliber, and style of beers that guests are expected tobring.

OpeningMethodandServingFormat

While serving beer at a tastingmay seem simple,much thoughtshouldbegiventodeterminetheidealservingformat.Considerthetype of beer aswell as the crowd, and choose from the followingformats:

PasstheBottle.Themostcommon,butoneofthemostinefficientserving methods. The group sits around a table, and bottles areopened andpassed around for everyone to fill his orher glass.A

keydisadvantage is that thegroupcan imbibeonlyas fastas theslowestdrinker,creatingparty-stallingissues.Tobeavoided.

Vertical. The opening of sequential vintages of the same beer.Usually, three years are opened at once to sustain a relativelyconstant serving temperature for comparison purposes. Eachvintageshouldbeprovidedwithaseparateglass,andallglasswareshould be similar, again for comparison purposes. Hosting avertical tasting speaks to one’s long-term dedication as a BeerGeek,thoughitcanbeabitbittersweetforthehostaftertheyearsofpreparation.

Blind Tasting. Various beers of the same style are servedwithoutthe tastersknowingwhat theyaredrinking.GenerallyunpopularwithBeerGeeks, as it diminishes the flavor of rarity. Ideally, thepouring should be done by teetotaling or pregnant attendees (sothat all participants can be “blind”) but is otherwise theresponsibilityofthehost.AblindtastingisoftendoneinthehopesofprovingthataBeerGeek’slocaloptioncangotoe-to-toewiththebig guns of the national scene. If successful, a social mediacampaign is launched by attendees to inform the world of theresults(referto ).

Table Tasting. The standard Beer Geek tasting approach. Variousbottles are opened concurrently (quantity dependent on strengthofbeerandnumberoftasters)andplacedonatable.Attendeescansampleatwill,andthehostopensnewbeersasbottlesarefinished.This classic format accommodates varying drinking rates,preferences,andpoursizes.

MeFirst. Essentially the sameas table tasting except thatbottlesare opened by the person who brought them. The bottle’s owner

TheGreatHypeMachine

first serveshimself and thenputs the remainder of the bottle onthesharetable.Thismethodgenerallyencouragestasterstobringhigher-qualitybeer,sincetheywon’tbeafraidofgettingjustafewouncesoftheirpersonalwhale.

HighRoller(orMcAfee).Anothervariationoftabletastingwiththekeyadditionofatimer.Tabletastingcanoftengetstalledbybeersthat no onewants to finish. In a high-roller tasting, the bottle isopened, anda timer is set (usually for 30minutes).Anybeer leftunfinishedwhenthetimergoesoffispoureddownthedrain,andanewsetofbottlesisopened.Thetimerisrestarted,andtheprocessbegins again.While thismay seemwasteful, in reality, little beerends up being poured out since the tasters are aware of itsimpendingfate.

Random-Ass Opening. The worst kind of openingmethod, whichresults when there is a lack of direction. Bottles are opened atrandom,atrandomtimes,andbyrandompeople.Manybeersarenot finished, and many tasters leave disappointed because theymissedoutonbeerstheyhadwantedtotry.Thedomainofnoobs.

ThePerfectHost

Nowthatyouhaveplanned theperfect tasting,don’t forget tobetheperfecthost.Duringthetasting,besuretokeepthefollowinginmindtoensurethoselovelybeersgettheirdue:

Settlingtime.Manybeers(lambicsandvintagebeers)oftenhaveacollection of sediment in the bottom of the bottle, particularly ifthey have been laid on their side. Allow at least a few hours for

thesebeerstosettleaftertheyarepurchasedorbroughtfromthecellar. If being served from a lambic basket, the beers should beallowedtosettleinthebasket.

Temperature. Beers that have spent extended time in the fridgeneedtimetowarmtoproperservingtemperaturepriortoserving.Likewise,beersthatwarmedonthejourneytothetastingmustbegiven time to cool. Be sure to allot adequate space in therefrigerator.

Refrigeratorcontents. Beernot intended for consumptionat thetasting should be removed from the refrigerator to avoidconfusion. However, top-tier beers should be prominentlydisplayed(andreadilyopened)toshowthecaliberofone’scellar.

Pace. You are responsible for the pace of the tasting. Whiledrunken-piratespeedisn’tnecessary,itshouldbequickenoughsothatnooneiseverwantingforanewbeer.Finally,asthetastingwindsdown,thehostensuresthateveryonehas a ride home and cabs are called as necessary. After the lastguestleaves,allemptybottlesarelineduponthetastingtable,anda picture is posted to Facebook to inform the world that thegreatesttastingeverhasjustoccurred.

BeerTastingNecessities

1. GLASSWARE:Roughlytwoglassesshouldbeprovidedpertaster,bothtomovethingsalongandtoprovidetheopportunitytocomparetwobeerssidebyside.Thetypeofglassshouldbeappropriatetothestyleofbeerbeing

served.Ifnecessary,itisacceptabletoaskgueststobringtheirownglassware.

2. RINSEWATER:Onepitcherofwaterforeveryfourguests.

3. DUMPBUCKET:Onelargebowlcentrallylocatedforbeersgonewrong.

4. FOOD:Meal-sizedportionsarenotnecessary,butsnackfoodsshouldbeprovided.Thefoodshouldnotbesostronglyflavoredthatitdistractsfromthebeer(unlessabeerandfoodpairingisplanned).Plainbreadsandsimplecheesesworkverywell.

5. FRIDGEORCOOLERSPACE:Forguests’beers.

6. PACERBEERS:Duringtastingsthatinvolveverystrongbeers,asessionlagerprovideswelcomepalatereliefwhendrinkinghigh-ABVorverypotentlyflavoredbeers(sours,DIPAs,etc.).

7. BOTTLEOPENER(S):Bothcorkandcapopenersshouldbestrategicallyplacedtoavoidguestshavingtorummagethroughkitchendrawers.

8. LAMBICBASKET:Holdsbeerata20-degreeangletomakeiteasierto(somewhat)avoidpouringsedimentfromlambicsandothersediment-ladenbeers.Emptytissueboxesmakeexcellentlambicbaskets.

9. DECANTER:Usewhenservingveryoldvintagebeers.

C H A P T E R 6TheBeercation:SeekingtheSource

AnimportantriteofpassageinaBeerGeek’slifeistoworkthroughtheGrandTourofnotablebeerregions.Whileonecouldsimplyengageinbeertradingtotrytheseregion-

specific,difficult-to-procurebeers,aBeerGeekiscompelledtogotothesource,soakintheterroir,andbuylotsofauthenticschwagtodocumentthatshehastraveled

acrosstheworldtodrinkabeer.

As a rule of thumb, the more difficult it is to get to yourdestination, the better the experience is. Extra points for visitingbrewerieswhosebeerisonlyavailableon-premises.

Belgium:TheMotherland

Intermsofbeercations,Belgiumisthepinnacle,thedestinationallothersarecomparedagainst.Thecountryholdsa specialplace inBeerGeeks’ hearts not just because the beer is delicious, but alsobecause of the national reverence held for it. The way Francerespects wine, Belgium respects beer. Additionally, thetranscontinental journey and associated cost settles any questionofaBeerGeek’sdedicationtothecraft.

BeeraboundseverywhereinBelgium,soratherthanseekingoutgoodbeerselections,youwillsimplybetryingtoseparatethegoodfrom the excellent. In bars in the United States, you mayoccasionallyhavetosettleonBudweiser;theBelgian“settle”beerisDuvel.

When visiting, an absolute must is the awkwardly titled but

excellently written Good Beer Guide Belgium, by Tim Webb. Thebookiscurrentlyinitsseventhedition,butbonuspointsarealways

awardedfortotingaroundawell-usedearlyversion.Neweditionsshouldbedog-earedandbeer-stainedathomepriortotravel.

WheninBelgium,aBeerGeekhastwopriorities:

1. findingbeerstosampleandenjoywhilethere,and

2. findingbeerstobringbackhome.

Regardingthebeersgoinginyourluggage,themainfocusshouldbeonbottles thatarenotdistributed toyourhomecountry,oratleast are not easily found (Belgian lambics are a great example).This requires research prior to departure to ensure you knowexactly what is and isn’t available back home. There’s nothingworsethanluggingabeerhalfwayacrosstheworldonlytofinditsittingonashelfatyourlocalbottleshop.

While sizable books have been written on all the beerydestinations, a Beer Geek hasn’t really visited Belgium until he’stickedthefollowingoffhisitinerary:

BrasserieCantillon.Chancesareyou’llbearrivinginBelgiumviaBrussels, and any self-respecting Beer Geek will be found inCantillon’s taproom drinking some of the world’s best lambicwithinanhourofexitingcustoms.LocatedjustafewblocksfromthecentrallylocatedGareduMidistation,a€5feebuysyouaself-guidedtourofsomeofthemostBeerGeek–photographedbrewingequipmentintheworld.Marvelattherandomcratesofwhale-ishbeers collecting dust in the hallway, and gaze at the walls ofconditioning “loons” (Beer Geek slang for bottles of Cantillon). Aflightof theircult-followedbeers is included.Stockuponbottles,

butdoitonasecondvisitattheendofyourtriptoavoidluggingthemacrossthecountry.

Drie Fonteinen. This stop is located in quaintBeersel, just a fewmilesoutsideofBrusselsproper,butaworldapart.ThesteepnessofthehillbetweentheBeersel trainstationandDrieFonteinenisstuff of Beer Geek legend. The brewery and blending shop oozelambic authenticity. Beers are typically poured and sold by thebrewer/blender himself, Armand Debelder, providing Facebookphotogold.ThebottleshopandtastingroomareonlyopenFridaysand Saturdays, a crucial logistical consideration. The attachedrestaurant (open Thursday through Monday) serves up fantasticdishescookedwiththeirworld-classlambic,andtheirselectionofvintagebottlesanddraftspecialtieswillflooreventhemostjadedBeerSnob.

Kulminator.LocatedaboutanhourfromBrussels inAntwerp, theKulminatorisarguablyBelgium’sbestbeerbar.Shoehornedintoathin slice of space on a random back street, it houses decades ofcellared beers. A dictionary-sized beer menu includes anythingfromTrappistalesfromthe’70stobottlesofgueuzefromlong-lostlambic producers. At least a day should be dedicated to slowlyexploringitsvastselection.

Café ‘t Brugs Beertje. Located in picturesque Brugge, a townfamous formedieval architecture, quaint canals, handmade lace,androvinggangsofumbrella-wielding Japanese tourists, thisbaris famous not just for its outstanding beer list but also for itsmatronlyproprietorDaisyClaeys.Herapprovingsmileassuresyouthatyourbeerorderwasagoodone.Gorgeyourself on the city’svastselectionofchocolateandthenspendarainydaydrinkinginthisnationalBelgiantreasure.

InDeVrede.ThecaféacrossthestreetfromtheSaintSixtusAbbey,the monastery that brews the revered Westvleteren 12. Whileblack-market “Westies” can be found in random beer bars andshopsacrossthecountry, InDeVredeistheonlyplacewhereit isreliably (and legally) available. And while the monastery andbreweryarenotopen to thepublic, justwalking thegroundsandabsorbingitsvenerationisthewaytoproperlyenjoytheseworld-

class brews. For the complete experience, the brewery should beapproachedonbikefromnearbyWatou.Completingthedaywithdinner at the world-famous beer restaurant the Hommelhof is ano-brainer.

BelgianTransportation

When choosing modes of transportation to travel acrossBelgium, consider that the more cumbersome the journey, themoreauthentic theexperience.Usinga carcauses you tomissoutoncrucialculturalosmosis,andstayingunderthelegalBAClimit of 0.05% makes for a very lame beercation indeed. Acombination of trains and bikes are best. For the authenticBelgian beercation experience, a Beer Geek should receive atleastoneliftthankstoanewlyformedfriendshipwitharandomBelgianbarpatronorbartender.

Germany:TheFatherland

Renownedforperfectingsupremelydrinkablebeers,Germanbeerisallaboutsubtleelegance,notpushingtheenvelope.Withnocult-followedbreweriestohitortradebaittostockupon,youcantourthebeerregionsofGermanyknowingthatyouaretellingtheworldthatyouareseriousaboutbeerandnotjustfollowingthetrends.

While non-Beer Geeks just think of pilsners and hefeweizenswhentheythinkofGermany,BeerGeeksknowthereisavastarrayof other styles. The smoky rauchbier, the sweet yet powerfuldopplebock, and the supremely drinkable kolsch are sometimesimitatedbyAmericanbreweriesbutveryrarelyequaled.

Each of these somewhat obscure styles originates from aspecific region, having been tailored to local ingredients andbrewingmethodscenturiesago.ThedrawofaGermanbeercation

is the opportunity to visit these regions and sample thewares oftheircenturies-oldbreweries.Aftertryingthevariousversionsofaspecific German beer style, a Beer Geek has earned the right toauthoritatively disparage any attempted imitation by a non-Germanbrewery(itwouldonlybesnobbyifitweren’ttrue).

Germany’s excellent rail system allows you to explore itsnumerousregionsrelativelyquickly.Tofullymaximizethecopiousdrinkingopportunities,forgetanysillynotionsofexploringcastlesormuseumsand instead just learntoshout,“Bittenocheinbier!”(Anotherbeer,please!).

Munich. First and foremost, the most important beer city ofGermany.Whilenoobs(andyouraunt)willassumeyouwillsurelyvisitduringOktoberfest,BeerGeeksknowthatthis16-dayfestivalismostlya trainwreckof rookies, vomit, and touristsand isbestavoided.Brewery-dedicatedbeerhallsaboundthroughoutthecity,

as do quaint biergartens. Spend considerable time sampling therich,breadyMunichDunkel.AshowcaseofwhattheMunichmaltis capable of, this beer is rarely found — and never equaled —outsideof the region.Also,don’tmissMunich’s clove-yyet fruityweissbier,whichiswhatAmericansknowashefeweizen.

Bamberg. Though a Bavarian city, Bamberg manages to have aseparateidentityfromtherestofBavariaandisknownforcraftingkellerbiers (think cask-conditioned, Oktoberfest-style beers) andrauchbiers (also Oktoberfest-style, but brewed with beachwood-smokedmalts).Kellerbiersaredrunkoutofheftyearthenmugsinlocal biergartens, making for one of the most enjoyable beer-drinkingexperiencesaBeerGeekcanhave.Thevariousrauchbiersvaryinsmokiness(lighttofull-onbacon)tofitalmostanypalate.Theultimatefoodbeer,theyhavealighterbodywell-suitedtoall-

day sessioning. (To get an idea of this style, try the classic AechtSchlenkerlarauchbier,whichisdistributedthroughouttheUnitedStates.)It’syourcuetoleavewhenyourpeestartstosmellsmoky.

Oktoberfest

Each of the sixmajor German breweries (Hofbrau, Lowenbrau,Hacker-Pschorr, Paulaner, Spaten/Franziskaner, andAugustiner)hasadedicatedtentatthismassivebeerfestival.BepreparedforyourideaofanOktoberfestbeertobeabitdifferentfromthestyleserved.This“märzen”stylebeerisdecidedlypalerthan the orangish Oktoberfest lagers found in the US and isdesignedforveryhigh-volumeswilling.Beersareservedinone-litermugs, so stomach-stretching exercises should be initiatedwellbeforetraveling.

Berlin.Notreallyabeerdestination.However,sincemostwillpassthroughhere,BeerGeekswillcertainlysampletheirregionalstyleof beer, theBerlinerweisse. Berliners know thisunfilteredwheat

beer soured by Lactobacillus as something drunk only by blue-hairedgrandmasandAmericanBeerGeeks. Ithasotherwisebeenlargely forgotten (or avoided) by the locals. To make it moreapproachable, it is traditionally served with sweet raspberry orwoodruff (herbalgreengoo) syrup to reduce the sourness.ABeerGeek tries the syrup versions for the experience but otherwisedrinks it straight (the bewildered look you receive from yourbartenderispartoftheauthenticexperience).Unfortunately,afterasteadymarketdecline,theBerlinerKindl-Schultheissistheonlybrewery that still regularly brews this stuff, though you can also

find the mellower Bayerischer Bahnhof version from nearbyLeipzig.

Cologne. A bustling medieval town with a rollicking beer scene,thanksinnosmallparttoalargestudentpopulation.Thelocalbeeristhekolschandshouldnotbeconfusedwithyourlocalbrewpub’s“kolsch,” which is really a corn-infused Bud Light substitute.Authentickolschesarecrisp,cleanbeerswithdelicatefruitnotes,making them excellent session options. They are served in tall,

narrow, 200-mL glasses called stangens, and servers wander thebeer halls with racked trays, constantly replacing empty glasses.Over20localbreweriesoffertheirownversions,eachwithuniquesubtleties.

Dusseldorf.Atfirstglance,thecityseemsverybusiness-oriented,butaquickvisittotheAltstadtpedestrianwalkingmallalongtheRhinerevealsthecity’sfunside.Thelocalaltbierisabitter,bronzebrewbalancedbyamaltyrichness.AnessentialstopistheUerigebrewerytotrytheirstickealt,aslightlydarker,thicker,andmorepowerfulversionofaltbierthatistheelixirofthebeergods.

Bocks of Bavaria. Though they originated in the north Germantown of Einbeck, bocks are now best represented in the GermanfreestateofBavaria.Thebockstyleincludesthelightmaibock,thepowerfuldoppelbock,andtheice-distilledeisbock—allrich,maltylagersknownfortheirstrengthandcleanfinish.TraveltoAyingerBrewerytotryCelebrator,adoppelbockoncehailedasthe“world’sbestbeer”byusersofBeerAdvocate.com.Alsomaketimetostopbythe Kloster Andechs monastery, which has been brewing since1455. Finally, check out Schneider Brewery, in Kelheim, andKulmbacherBrewery, inUpperFranconia, tosampleeisbocks, theGermantakeonabarleywine.

TheGermanViewpointonNonregionalBeers

Germany is known for its long-standing tolerance andacceptanceofoutsiders,butitsstanceonbeerisabitdifferent.Germans are fiercely proud of their local region’s beers, andmostbelieveallotherbeersarevaryingdegreesofgarbage.Theone exception seems to be Bavaria, whose beer receivesbegrudgingadmirationfromthenationasawhole. In thissameline of thinking, Bavarians themselves seem to think they brewthe only beer worth drinking, though they have been known to

make exceptions for a handful of non-Bavarian beers, likeRothausTannenzäpfleandJever.

ThePacificNorthwest:Beerlandia

Nearly75percentofAmerican-grownhopscomefromtheYakimaValley ofWashington. A big chunk of the remaining portion aregrown in Oregon’s Willamette Valley, making these twoneighboringstateshotbedsforcraftbeer.Andfora longtimethe

PacificNorthwestwas strictly for hop lovers. But there’smore tolifethanjusthops,andnorthwesternBeerGeeksbegantodevelopafondnessforgoodbeeringeneral,notjustIPAs.

Whentouringthearea,theobvioustargetswillbePortlandandSeattle on the rainy western sides of the states, and Bend andYakimainthedrieragriculturalareafarthereast.Beforedepartingfor the trip,male Beer Geeks should allow ample time to grow arespectablesmatteringoffacialhairtoassimilatewiththeirPacificNorthwestbrethren.

Seattle. The Emerald City is an excellent jumping-off point for aBeer Geek’s Pacific Northwest tour. One of the first beercentriccities, for awhile itwas content living in its hoppy, grunge-rockpast.Newbloodhasemergedon the scene, though,andSeattle isonceagainascendinginglory.BeerGeeksshouldplanonspendingan afternoon justifying their airline baggage fees at Bottleworks,oneofthebestbottleshopsinthecountry.Also,Brouwer’sCaféisproving itselfoneof thebestbeer-foodpairingspots intheworldand is great for seducing non–Beer Geek spouses and significantothers to the beery side of life. A visit to the under-the-radarStumblingMonk,withitsvintagerarities,providesabundantgeekcredforFacebookglory.

Yakima.BeerGeekstakeprideinvisitingthisdecidedlyblue-collartown, whose rough edges otherwise invite little to no tourism. Agreat overnight excursion from Seattle, Yakima is best visited inSeptember when hop grower Hopunion hosts its annual Hop &BrewSchool.Duringthiseventsomeofthetopbrewersfromacrossthecountrydescenduponthetown.Youcantourthehopcountrybydayandsamplethegoodswithbeerindustrycelebritiesatnight.Regardless of the time of year, Bale Breaker Brewing’s beers and

expansive grounds are always destination-worthy. Note: Iftraveling toor fromPortland,a three-hourdriveaway,besure tostopinHoodRiver,hometoFullSailandBeerGeekdarlingpFriemFamilyBrewers.

Portland.Localsarewell-knownfortheirloveofqualitybeer,soaBeerGeekwillexpendlittleeffortfindingqualitysudsinthiscity.TheobviousfirstchoicewillbetheHairoftheDogtaproom,whereBeerGeekswon’t bat an eye at their splurge-worthy vintage beerlist.RespectsarepaidtoDonYounger, thegodfatherofAmericanBeerGeeks,whoseHorseBrassPubhelpedblazethepathforgoodbeerinAmerica.Scoreridiculouslyraretake-homebottlesatboththe Cheese Bar andWoodstockWine & Deli, two hidden gems. AstopattheCascadeBrewingBarrelHousetosampleitslactic-lacedmasterpiecesisalsoamust.LocalbrewerychainMcMenaminsanditssubparbeersshouldbeavoidedatallcosts.

Bend.Athree-hourdrivefromPortland,Bendseemslikeitcouldbelocated on the other side of the country. Sunny and dry, Bend isbecoming a beer mecca, mostly due to the longtime presence ofDeschutesBrewing,whosemasterfulbeershavemadetheBMCsofthe world an afterthought for many an Oregonian. Drink cult-worthy hop bombs at Boneyard Beer, and try some of the finestbarrel-agedsourbeersatTheAleApothecary.BeerGeekswilltakefulladvantageofBend’s relatively remote location to stockuponplentyofbraggingschwag(getaknithatifreturningtoPortland).

AirlineBaggagePolicy

EssentiallyallUSairlinesallowbeerintheircheckedluggage,somethingBeerGeeksthecountryovertakefulladvantageof

whentraveling.Beercanobviouslybestoredinyoursuitcase,but many Beer Geeks will instead opt to package and checktheir beer in a cardboard box picked up from a bottle shop.While clothes make for semi-decent packing material, theirconsiderable weight cuts into the 50 allowed pounds, adetriment to the amount of beer you’re planning on bringinghome. Between this and the potential of having to pick glassshards out of a beer-drenched sweater, there is reasonenough to regularly travel with bubble wrap or the like.Because two checked bags fly free, Southwest is the officialairlineofBeerGeekseverywhere.

TheNapaValleyBeer

Often, vacations to Colorado do not start off as beercations.Instead,themountainsandtheirsurroundingnaturalbeautylureoutdoor enthusiasts in droves. However, anyonewith any sort ofbeery inclination will quickly discover that the number ofbeercentricdestinationsintheCentennialStateisanequallybig,ifnotbigger,draw.ThrowinthefactthatthecapitalcityofDenverhoststheGreatAmericanBeerFestival,andColoradobeginstolookliketheultimateAmericanbeercation.

The beer destinations are centered in the three Front RangecitiesofFortCollins,Boulder,andDenver.Whiletheyarelessthananhour’sdrivefromoneanother,thenumberofBeerGeeklocalesineachrequiresatleastaday’sdedicatedworkpercity.

Unfortunately, with only a few exceptions, the nearbymountainsarelackinginthebeerdepartment.Thebestapproachistostockupinthecitiesandbringatrunkfullofbeeruptothehighcountrytoaccompanyanyoutdooradventure.

TheoverallColoradosceneisstrongbutmellow.Thereareveryfewbreweriesorbeersproducedinthestatethathavereachedcultorwhalestatus,buttheoverallvolumeandqualityofbeerbrewedis second to none. Coloradans pride themselves in drinking goodbeer,andwitheventhemostrun-of-the-millvenuesofferingsomesortofcraftoption,aBeerGeekwillalmostneverhavetosettleforBMC.

Denver. Thebiggestof these threebeercentriccities,Denverusedtolagbehinditssmallerbrethren,butthelocalscenehassurgedinrecentyears.BesuretovisittheFallingRockTapHousetosamplefromtheirdeepcellarlist.Thelargestcraftbrewery,GreatDivide,is worth a stop, but the majority of Beer Geeks will zero in oncultish Crooked Stave, where owner Chad Yakobson, who did his

masters in science dissertation onBrettanomyces, bends thewild

yeast to hiswill. The grimy hidden gem of the city is Star Bar, arundowndivebarwithanaffinityforcrazyone-offsoursfromthelikes ofNewBelgium,Avery, andCrookedStave.Venturingup tothenearbyhipHighlandsneighborhood is rewardedby theultra-impressivetaplistatthepizzajointHops&Pie.

Boulder.The best place for BeerGeeks to stuff their suitcases, orcar trunks, is the Boulder LiquorMartwith its seemingly endlessbeercoolers.StopbyAverytocheckouttaproomexclusives,aswellas FATE Brewing, which is proving to be best-in-class among thenew wave of breweries. Odd13 in nearby Lafayette is a local’sfavorite due to their dedication to barrel-aging and a deft handwith thehops. Top restaurant beer spots areBackcountry Pizza&TapHouseand theWestEndTavern.Earnextravacationcashbydonningatye-dyedhempponchoandplayingthedrumsonemptybeerboxesonthePearlStreetMall.

FortCollins.ThecitythatputColoradoontheBeerGeekmap.ThecombinationofstalwartsNewBelgiumandOdellwithavant-gardeFunkwerksandEquinoxmakeFortCollinsapowerhouseofabeercity.Breweryvisitshavetoincludethesefour,whichcanallbehiton one 2.5-mile urban “hike” using the city’s dedicated walkingpath.Also,ventureouttoseesomeofthenewlyopenedoperations,BlackBottlebeingthestrongestofthebunch.Restaurantandbeerbaroptionsabound,butataminimum,hitMayorofOldTownandChoiceCityButcher&Deli.

TheMountains.ThebiggestbeercentricdrawofthemountainswillbetheBigBeers,Belgians&BarleywinesFestivalheldeachJanuaryinVail.Thisfestival,whichrequiresallbeerpouredtobeover8%ABV or Belgian in origin draws celebrity-level brewers looking todrink quality suds while enjoying some of the best skiing in

thecountry(rubbingelbowswithSamCalagioneorTommeArthuriscommonplace).Untilrecently,themountainsofColoradodidn’tholdanyBeerGeekgold,butCaseyBrewing&Blending,openedinGlenwoodSprings in 2013, has changed thingsup. Focusing onlyon barrel-aged sours made from in-state ingredients (includingfruit), this brewery has quickly developed a cult following.BackcountryBreweryinFriscoisalsoagoodroadtripstopoffofI-70.

California:BeachesandBrews

Whileinmoststatesthedestination-worthybreweriesarefoundinand around the major cities, high rent prices have driven mostCaliforniabreweries to littleout-of-the-waytowns,removedfromthe sprawling metropolises. The legwork of trekking far frommajorairports,however,justservestowhetaBeerGeek’spallet.

Becausetheamountoftimespentvisitingbeerdestinationsinthe Golden State can be extensive, it’s best to focus a Calibeercation on a particular region of the state. For themost part,this means flying into San Francisco and exploring NorthernCalifornia,orflying intoSanDiegotoroamthesouthernportion.But there are also a few areas in between that are worth a BeerGeek’stime.

SanFrancisco.Practicallydevoidofbreweries (Cellarmakerbeingthenotable exception), this port citynonetheless has a very solidbeerbarscene.ThestrongholdisToronado,adivebarwithanepicvintage list. Bottles are available to go, and their beer list almostalways includes über-fresh Pliny the Elder. This small bar is sohighly regarded that Russian River blended special beers tocommemorate its 20th and 25th anniversaries — both beers areconsideredwhitewhales.AlsoworthcheckingoutisMikkellerBarintheTenderloindistrict,wheretheselectionisexactlywhatyou’dexpect from aman who has built an empire by catering to BeerGeeks’whims.

NorthernCalifornia.AfteraquickstopatTheRareBarrelbreweryin Berkeley, any Beer Geek heading north of San Francisco iscertainly headed straight for Russian River Brewing Company inSantaRosa.OneoftheultimateBeerGeekbreweries,thetaplistatits brewpub is always stellar. The signature genie-bottle-shapedgrowler makes for an excellent bragging prop when being filled

backhome.(AndthefactthatSantaRosaisnestledintheheartofSonomawine countrymakes a great combo for Beer Geeks withwine-loving spouses.) On the way to Russian River, Lagunitas

BrewingCompany is a favorite stop.A bit further north isChico,homeofSierraNevadaBrewing,andtothewestisboththeoceanandNorthCoastBrewing,whereyoucanfindamazingbarrel-agedversionsoftheirimperialbeers.

San Diego. Home to some of the most respected breweries inAmerica, thehills surroundingSanDiegoare aBeerGeekmecca.StoneBrewingstarteditall,andtheirWorldBistroandGardensinEscondido iscertainly themostbeautifulbrewerytaproomin theUnited States. Essentially a botanical garden combined with anexceptionalrestaurantandaworld-classbeerlist(includingmanyguest taps), a visit here will make your entire trip worthwhile.Nearby,TheLostAbbeyinSanMarcosisanessentialstop,makinganyBeerGeek’sluggageabout50poundsheavierupondeparture.Closer to the city, drop into Ballast Point, Green Flash, andAleSmithbreweries,whichonlyaddtothearea’sepicness.Lastbutnot least, to theeastof thecity isAlpineBeerCompany,probablythelargestdrawoftheareaformostBeerGeeks.TheyhaveawaywithhopsthatmakesthemthegoldstandardoftheWestCoasthopstyle.

Central California. In reality, a beercation is never going to bemadeof theCentralValleyof the state.However, therearea fewdrawstocauseaBeerGeektoconsiderextendingherNorthernorSouthern California beercation. The most notable is FirestoneWalkerinruralPasoRobles.Theirdoublemasteryofsoursandbigbarrel-agedbeers(ParabolaandSucaba,forexample)haswonoverBeerGeeksfromcoasttocoast.Dependingonthedirectionyou’recoming from, Firestone Walker’s other facility, Barrelworks, in

Buellton provides an alternative way to stock up and try thegoodies as well. The other alluring locale is Kern River BrewingCompanyinKernville,whoseCitraDoubleIPAhasjet-settingBeerGeeksflyinginfromallovertheworldforitsrelease(seriously).

LosAngeles.VisitTheBruery,visitBeachwoodBrewing,andthenjumpinyourcaranddon’tstopdrivinguntilyoureachSanDiego.

NewEngland:LeafPeepingandBeerDrinking

Mention the East Coast (anywhere outside of the beerworld) andimmediately people think ofNewYork, Boston, and Philadelphia.Andwhilethesemassivecitiescertainlyhavetheirownrespectablebeer scenes, most Beer Geeks won’t consider them destination-worthy.No,whenBeerGeeks thinkofvisiting theEastCoast, thesmall“farmcountry”breweriesofNewEnglandarewhatcometomind.

Mostlyduetoantiquatedbrewery-friendlylaws,thesmallstatesofNewEnglandarelitteredwithtinybreweriesfocusedonmakingbeer for their surrounding community. Much like wine-lovingvisitors of the boutiquewineries ofCalifornia, BeerGeeks love to

tour the countryside and visit the renowned breweries with cultfollowings as well as discover new ones. For Beer Geeks whosesignificantothersdon’tsharetheirbeerypassion,thisservesasanexcellent destination when combined with the fall activity ofgazing at leaves. Non–beer drinkers also serve as excellentdesignateddrivers(bonus),asmostdestinationsarereachableonlybycar.

Vermont.TheforemostNewEnglandstatewhen itcomestobeer,the Green Mountain State is best known for two breweries: HillFarmstead and The Alchemist. Hill Farmstead, located in sleepyGreensboroBend, is thebrainchildofShaunHill,whodecided toturnhisgrandfather’sfarmhouseintowhathasbecomeoneoftheworld’smosthighlyregardedbreweries.Towaitinlinetofilloneoftheir growlers is to earn a BeerGeek badge ofhonor.Meanwhile,The Alchemist, just a little over an hour away inWaterbury, isfamousformakingthe long-reigning#1beer intheworld,HeadyTopper(perBeerAdvocate.comratings).Besuretosampleandstockup on this hoppy delight (which is essentially the default beer-trading currency), but also check out the other equally awesomebeers,whichcanonlybehadonthepremises.Inadditiontothesetwo breweries, Beer Geeks have to visit the Saturday FarmersMarketinWaitsfield,asthisisbestwaytobuybeersfromLawson’sFinestLiquids,anothercult-followedbrewery.

Maine. You know you are a Beer Geek if you are aware thatEbenezer’sPub, a tinybar-restaurant located insideabarn in theitty-bittytownofLovell,housesarguablythebestbeercellarintheentirenation(ifnottheworld).BeerGeeksplanentiretripsaroundvisiting this nondescript locale and rarely leave disappointed (solongasit’sactuallyopen). InadditiontoEbenezer’s,thestatealsoboasts Maine Brewing Company, a little brewery in Freeportknown formaking small-batch hoppy delights, and Allagash, thePortland-basedmakerofBelgian-stylealeswhosebeersoftenrivalthosetheysetouttocopy.

Massachusetts. Though Vermont can lay the most claim tocreatingtheNewEnglandIPArenaissance,it’snowMassachusettsthatisdoingalotofthelegworktocarrythatultra-populartorch.In Boston, check out Trillium, a young brewery known for its

mastery of all things hoppy, before ending the evening at LordHobo,abeerbarwithoneofthemostwell-chosendraftlistsinthecountry.HeadeastonI-90forabout30minutestovisitJack’sAbbyinFramingham,thebrewerythatletAmericaknowthatlagerscanbesomuchmorethanyellow,fizzyswill.AnotherhourdownI-90willleadtohop-mastermindTreeHouseBrewinginMonson,whereyoushouldfillasmanygrowlersasyourtrunkwillallow.

Those Other States. Other beer highlights include PortsmouthBreweryinNewHampshire,madefamousthroughtheadorationofthe Alström Bros (founders of BeerAdvocate). The entire town ofPortsmouth is beer-crazy and a great place to spend a day. Ifpassing throughConnecticut, NewEngland Brewing Company inWoodbridge, famous for its Fuzzy Baby Ducks IPA, also boasts abevyofexcellentnon-hoppyoptions.InRhodeIsland...thereisafantasticallycleanreststopatExit8offI-95.

BeerymoonsandBeerGeekWeddings:ConsummatingYour

Geekiness

Relationshipsareoftenformedthroughmutualinterestsandloves,so it’s no surprise that many Beer Geeks end up dating andsometimeseventie theknot.For those luckyenoughtoendup inthissituation,thedesiretointegratecraftbeerintothebigdayisclearlymutual.

Many Beer Geek couples celebrate beercentric weddings byholding the reception at a brewery, having hop-and-barley

corsages and boutonnières, using barleywine at communion, oradding other creative touches. While this is all well and good, aBeerGeek’smain responsibility involves thebeerofferingsat thereception.

Wedding receptions are one of the last bastions of BMCdominance, and getting good craft options can sometimes bedifficult and require persistence. A wedding should be acelebrationofthecouple,however,andwhat’sservedtofamilyandfriends is a reflection of them as a couple. Therefore, good craftbeermustbeavailable.Thatbeingsaid,

...aBeerGeekrecognizesthataweddingisnotthetimetoconvinceUncleMerletoditchtheLabatts,andthereisnoshameinmakingBMCconcessionstothosewhohaveyetto

seethelight.

Anestimate shouldbemadeof thecraft-appreciatingcrowd,andthevarietyandquantityorderedshoulderron thesideof“bettertoomuchthantoolittle,”beitacaseofSNPAorthreekegsofHalfAcre’sDaisyCutter.

Finally, the climax of the event: the wedding toast. For thishistoricmoment,aBeerGeekcouplegoesforthegold.Thetoastingliquid should be thoroughly considered and fastidiously chosen.Boon’sOudeGeuzeMariageParfaitisalwaysaclassychoice.

Many recentlymarried Beer Geek couples choose to forgo thetraditionalhoneymooninfavorofabeercentricone,referredtoasa beerymoon. These trips are a bit different from your averagebeercationsbecausetheemphasisispartlyonunwindingfromallthe craziness of the wedding and not solely focused on drinking

world-classbrews.Consideritawin-win:afteryoufinishsleepinginandgettingmassages,thebeer’stherewaitingforyou.

PatienceisaVirtue:BeingtheSpouse/SignificantOtherofa

BeerGeekByLindsayDawson

If you’re reading this section, you’re likely either thespouse/significantotherofaBeerGeekorsomeonewhosuspectsthey might be the spouse/significant other of a Beer Geek.Whicheveritis,

...welcome.Thisisasafeplace.

BeingthespouseorsignificantotherofaBeerGeekisnoeasyfeat.Infact, I’mgoingtosaythatattimesit’sadamnart. It’snotthat

wedon’tsupportourBeerGeek’sobsess—ahem,interests.Onthecontrary, I’m sure that you, like me, would much rather yourbelovedspendtimeandmoneyonbeer insteadofsomethinglike,say,stripclubs(andyes,thiscanapplywhetheryourgeekismaleor female). At the same time, when you begin to find that themajorityofyourgeek’s thoughts, conversations, e-mails, errands,texts, to-do lists,gifts,vacations . . .aretrendingbeerward, itcanrequireofyouanextrahelpingoflovingpatience.

Lucky for you, I’ve experienced just about all there is toexperience when it comes to having a Beer Geek mate, and I’vecome out on the other side. So I write the following as both afriendlyheadsupandanempatheticpatontheback.

(Quick note: for simplicity’s sake, I’ll henceforth refer to theBeer Geek as “BG” and spouse or significant other as “BS,” sincethat’swhatweoftenhavetoputupwith—kidding,kidding.)

For those of youwhohave beenmarried to or dated the samepersonforatleastalittlewhile,you’realreadywellawareifthey’reaBG.So toyou, Idedicateanespeciallyheartfeltpatontheback.However,forthoseofyouwhoareinarelativelynewrelationshipandarestillalittleunsureaboutwhetherornotyouhaveanactualBGonyourhands, the followingshouldnotonlyhelpanswer thequestionbutalsoalertyoutosomeofthecommonBGnuancesyoucanexpecttoencounter.(“Achilledpintglass?!What,dotheynotwantmetotasteanything?”)

Soherewego.ForallyouBSs(orpotentialBSs)outthere:

YouKnowYou’veGotaBGonYourHandsIf...

Thefoodinyourfridgeisslowly,butsurely,edgedout.Prettysoonyou’vegoteggsreplacedbyeisbocks,salsaexchangedforsours,portersinsteadofpickles,andlambicsforleftovers.Hopeyoulikedrinkingyourmeals.

BlackFridayisstressful,butit’snotbecauseofthedealsonelectronics.Ohhhh,no.It’sBCBSStrategyDay.Battendownthehatches,becauseit’sgo-time.

Yourconversationataliquorstoregoessomethinglikethis:

BS:Ooh,look,babe!Pliny’sfinallybackontheshelf.You’vebeenwaitingforit,right?

BG:Sweet!!Oh,wait,nevermind...

BS:What’swrong?Thepriceisn’tbad.Grabacouple.

BG:Whybother?Itwasbottledthreedaysago.Thehopsareallgone...

BS:[silence]

Thetermsverticalandwhalearementionedandthelastthingthatcomestomindisadirectionandamammal.

Youknowit’spronouncedcan-tee-yOHn.

Youunderstandthatthemostcrucialaspectofabeertradeisn’thowwell-packagedthebeeristosurvivethetravel,but

whatbeersarechosenasthe“extras.”(Sweetmotherof%$#@,youdon’twanttohearaboutitiftheyscrewthisoneup.)

Gonearethedaysofbeer-tastingcommentssuchas,“Yep,thisbeertastesgood.Iliketheflavor.”Nowit’s,“Cardboard!ItasteCARDBOARD!!”and,“Theheadretentiondisturbsme.”

YourBG’squestionbeforeevensittingdownatabaris,“Yeah,yougotaReservelist?”

YourupcomingvacationtoFranceinspiresaconversationlikethis:

BS:Ican’tbelievewe’regoingtothesouthofFrance!I’msoexcited.Anddriving’ssuchagoodwaytoseethecountryside.

BG:Yeah,metoo.Youknow...ifwetookthescenicroute,wecouldswingthroughBrusselsonthewayandhitupCantillon.

BS:Onthewaytowhat?Brusselsistenhourstothenorth.

BG:[silence/avertseyes]

BS:[questioninglook]

BG:[silence/avertseyes]

AbeertastingbetweenyourBGandoneofhisorherbuddiesmightsoundsomethingakintothis:

BG1:Yeah,it’sfineandall.It’sjustdrinkingalittleyoung.

BG2:It’soneofonlyfiveleftintheworld.

BG1:Imean,Iloveit.

I canpracticallyhearyoushakingyourheadandsighing inan“Iknowitalltoowell”manner.Toyou,Iofferthisassurance:hanginthere,we’re in this together. For those of youwho, upon readingthis,knewdeepdownthatitsoundedfamiliar(heavysigh;pat,pat,pat)...you,myfriend,haveacertifiedBGonyourhands.

So don’t worry when you find yourself having difficultyremainingcalmwheneveryoneat the table’s ready toorder their

drinks and your BG is calculating whether a 10-oz. pour of thatbarleywine isasgoodadealas the12-oz.double IPA.Takeadeepbreath, and know you’re not alone. And if you find yourselfneeding a bit of additional support, keep in mind the followingmantra:Patience,love,understanding.I’magoodperson.IlovemyBG.Patience,love,understanding.. .(That,andyoumightwanttoinvestinakickboxingclass.)

Welcometotheclub...andgoodluck.

Asyouknowbynow,BeerGeekslovetotalk(andwrite)aboutbeer.And, as with almost every industry or hobby, a special set ofvocabulary has emerged. For example, if a beer is called“sessionable,” a Beer Geek immediately knows that it’s under 5%alcohol,hasalightbody,islowinresidualsugars,andlendsitselftobeingconsumedinlargequantities.Vocabularysuchasthisnotonlyincreasescommunicationefficiency,italsoactsasasignaltootherBeerGeeksthatyouareintheknow.

To not appear a noob, it is important to recognize andunderstand this specialized jargon, something achieved onlythrough intense immersion in beer websites, books, andconversations.MuchofBeerGeekslangcomesandgoes,butthereis a certain baseline vocabulary that all BeerGeeks should know,lesttheyhavenoideawhatthediscussionisabout.

* indicates an acronym that can be spoken as letters, unlessotherwisespecified(mostarewritten,notsaid)3F:DrieFonteinen

ABV:AlcoholByVolume

AftW: Adam from theWood, brewed byHair of theDog BreweryBA: Barrel-aged, or BeerAdvocate.com, the website barnyard: Aflavor descriptor for the earthy, funky flavors found in lambicsand some other Brettanomyces-brewed beers *BCBS: BourbonCountyBrandStout,brewedbyGooseIslandBeerCo.

BCBCS: Bourbon County Brand Coffee Stout, brewed by GooseIslandBeerCo.Alsoreferredtosimplyas“Coffee”

BCS: Black Chocolate Stout, brewed by Brooklyn Brewerybeercation: A vacation centered around drinking regional beersandexperiencingthelocalbeerculturebeerymoon:Ahoneymoonbeercation

BIF:Beer ItForward,a typeofgroupbeertrade*BMC:StandsforBud-Miller-Coors, but really refers to any factory-manufactured,yellow,fizzy lager, regardlessofproducerbomber:A22-oz.bottleofbeer

Brett:Brettanomyces,awildyeast

*CBS:CanadianBreakfastStout

CCB:CigarCityBrewing

cloying:Asyrupy-sweettexture.TypicallyanegativefeatureDDG:Duck Duck Gooze, brewed by The Lost Abbeydecoctionmashing:Repeatedlyboilingworttoproducearich,kettle-caramelizedmaltcharacterDoming: The act of drinking a bottle of beer by oneself(usuallyavery large,or rare,high-ABVbottle)*DONG:Draftonly,nogrowlers (pronounced “DONG,”not “D-O-N-G”)drainpour:Anexceptionallybadbeer

Elder: Pliny the Elder, brewed by Russian River Brewing Co.; seealsoPtE

FFF:ThreeFloydsBrewingCo.

FftW:FredfromtheWood,brewedbyHairoftheDogBreweryFT:Fortrade

FW:FirestoneWalkerBrewingCo.

*GABF:GreatAmericanBeerFestival

ghostwhale:Therarestofwhitewhales

GIF: Growler It Forward, a type of group beer tradeglasswale:Averyrarebeerglass

growler:Arefillable64-oz.glassbeercontainer.Typicallyfilledatthe brewery, though some states allow off-premises fillshandbottle:ADONGthathasbeenpoured intoaresealablebottlefor beer-trading purposes Heady: Heady Topper, brewed by TheAlchemist

HF:HillFarmsteadBrewery

hopbomb:Averyhop-forwardbeer

hot:HavingastrongalcoholflavorandpresenceHotD:HairoftheDogBrewingCompany

Huna: Hunahpu’s Imperial Stout, brewed by Cigar City BrewingIBU:InternationalBitteringUnits.Ameasureofhopbitternessinabeer IP: In person, (in reference to beer trading), or IsabelleProximus,brewedbyTheLostAbbeyISO:Insearchof

*KBS:KentuckyBreakfastStout,brewedbyFoundersLA:TheLostAbbey

LIF: Lottery It Forward, a type of group beer trade Loon:A beerbrewedbyCantillon

LP:LouPepe,aseriesofbeersbrewedbyCantillonMaß:Aone-liter,dimpled German beer hall mug (pronounced “mahss”) MoAS:

Mother of All Storms, brewed by Pelican Brewerymouthfeel: Thesensation of a beer’s flavor (viscous, metallic, warming, prickly,etc.)nip:Asmall(typically9-oz.)bottleofbeernoob:Aderogatorytermforsomeonewhodisplaysalackofbeerknowledgeone-off:Abeermadeonlyonce,asopposedtoaregularlineupbeerPtE:PlinytheElder,brewedbyRussianRiverBrewingCo.;seealsoElderPtY:PlinytheYounger,brewedbyRussianRiverBrewingCo.

Rare: Bourbon County Brand Stout Rare, brewed byGoose IslandBeerCo.

RR:RussianRiverBrewingCo.

sessionbeer:Alow-ABV(lessthan4.5%or5%,dependingwhoyouask) beer designed to be consumed continually for an extendedperiodoftimeshelfturd:Usuallygoodbutoverpricedbeerthatsitsonstoreshelvesforalongperiodoftime.OftenusedsarcasticallySNPA:SierraNevadaPaleAle

ticker/Tick: A ticker is a beer drinker who focuses on drinkingonlyrarebeersandonlyonetimeeach.Atickisabeerdrunkbyaticker.

Westy: Westvleteren Trappist Brewery or its beerwhale/wale/walez: An incredibly rare, sought-after beer whitewhale:Therarestofwhales

wort: The sweet liquid extracted during the mashing process ofbrewing beer; the sugars in thewort ferment to produce alcoholYounger:PlinytheYounger,brewedbyRussianRiverBrewingCo.;seealsoPtY

BEATIFICATION = be-at-i-fah-KAY-shun CANTILLON = cahn-tee-YHON

DRIEFONTEINEN=dree-fawn-TAY-nenDUVEL=DOO-vul(Flemishspeakers)ordoo-VELL(Frenchspeakers)FARO=FAH-row

FRAMBOISE=fhrom-BWAZ

GOSE=GOES-zuh

GUEUZE/GEUZE = g’hurz (French speakers) or g’khghrysgkr-zuh(Flemishspeakers)HUNAHPU=hoo-nah

JAIALAI=hi-li

LAGUNITAS=lah-goo-NEE-tussPIRAAT=PEE-raht

PLINY = PLY-nee (plin-ee is the historical figure) ROCHEFORT =ROWSH-fhorSMITHWICKS=SMID-icksSUCABA=AB-ah-cuss

WESTVLETEREN = vest-FLAY-tren WESTMALLE = VEST-mall-uhWEIHENSTEPHANER=gvhen-STEF-on-eeYUENGLING=ying-ling

MoreBooksforBeerGeeks

TheAmericanCraftBeerCookbookJohnHoll

BeerwriterJohnHollvisited900brewpubsandtavernsacrosstheUnitedStatestocollectthebestbeer-friendlyrecipes.Augmentyour

craftbeerexperiencewithdisheslikeRoastedChipotleSalsaBurgersorCrawfishBordelaise.

BeerforAllSeasonsRandyMosher

Thisdeliciousandextensiveguidetobeerandbeerfestivalsallovertheworld,organizedbyseason,willhelpyoupickthebestbeersfor

anyclimateandoccasion.

TheSecretLifeofBeer!AlanD.EamesEducateyourselfwiththisfuncollectionofculturalhistory,legends,lore,little-knownfacts,andquirky

quotesbybeerdrinkersfromNietzschetoDarwin.

READMOREATSTOREY.COM

VintageBeerPatrickDawsonLearnhowtoidentifyacellar-worthybeer,howtosetupabeercellar,whattolookforwhentastingvintagebeers,andthefascinatingsciencebehindtheagingprocess.

TheseandotherbooksfromStoreyPublishingareavailablewhereverqualitybooksaresoldorbycalling1-800-441-5700.Visit

usat orsignupforournewsletterat.

READMOREATSTOREY.COM

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independenceinharmonywiththeenvironment.

DawsonEbookproductionbySlavicaA.WalzlEbookversion0.0

April29,2016Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedwithoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher,exceptbyareviewerwhomayquotebriefpassagesorreproduceillustrationsinareviewwithappropriatecredits;normayanypartofthisbookbe

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