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TheFlightofIcarus

RaymondQueneautranslatedbyBarbaraWright

ANewDirectionsBook

TRANSLATOR’SNOTE

(Adapted from Letter to Andrée Bergens, published in the Queneau number of the French magazine,L’HERNE.)

You askme some very simple, very clear questions about translatingQueneau, and I will try toanswerthemequallysimplyandclearly.

WhyIembarkedontranslatingQueneau,andwhatdifficultieshepresentstothetranslator.IstartedtranslatingQueneaubyaccident,becauseIwasluckyenoughtobeaskedtotranslatetwoof

hisshortstories.Havingdoneso,Iwashooked.All translation,without exception, isdifficult, and I amneverquite surewhypeople imagine that

Queneauismoredifficulttotranslatethananyoneelse.Isitbecauseofhispuns?Butmanyotherwritersmakepuns,andtheyarerarelysuchamusingonesasQueneau’s.You’llnoticethatIdon’tsaysuchgoodones–becauseQueneauis,ofcourse,themasteroftheintentionallyawfulpun.AndtheexerciseoftryingtomatchtheminEnglishisinitselfamusing,andchallenging,andontheoccasionswhenonefeelsonehasmoreorlesssucceeded,thesatisfactionisgreat.

OrisQueneauconsidereddifficulttotranslatebecauseofhisuseofpopularlanguage?Pingetsaysofhisownwritingthathisbasicproblemistofindatone.Itisn’tuntilhehasfoundthetoneofthebookheishatchingthatheisabletogoaheadandwriteit.Thesameappliestotranslation.Themostimportantthingistotryandmatchyourauthor’stone,andthedifficultyisonlyoneofdegreewhenthattoneincludesneologisms,originalsyntax,reconditeallusions,popularlanguage,etc.

Theproblemforthetranslatorwiththelatteris,ofcourse,thathehastoinvent,oruseasynthesisof,an equivalent popular languagewhich the reader will accept asmodern, but which is not that of anyparticularEnglishorAmericangroup–CockneyorBronx, say.Queneau’s characters areFrench, theyliveinaFrenchenvironment,andtheymuststaythere:tomakethemspeakanyspecificEnglishdialectwouldbetosituatethemwheretheydon’tbelong.Ifyouread,asIdidinarecenttranslation,oneFrenchpeasant supposedly saying of another: ‘Hewould never set the Thames on fire’, you are immediatelyjerkedoutofcontext,andoutofyourillusion.Themaninthestreettakesitthatwhenhereadsabookintranslationheissimplyreadinganexactreplicaoftheoriginalinalanguagehehappenstounderstand.Theidealtranslationsustainshiminthisillusion.

WithTheFlightofIcarus,ofcourse,thereisnoquestionofa‘modern’popularlanguage.Here,thethingistousealanguagethatthemodernreadercanacceptasbeingmoreorlessthatofQueneau’s1895characters.Notforgetting,asalways,theoccasionalflagrantanachronismthatQueneauputsintoamusehimself(andus),aswellasforotherartisticreasons.‘HowextremelyPirandellian’,saysMorcol,attheverybeginningofthebook.

Giventhatfindingtheappropriate‘tone’isthebasicnecessityforatranslation,thedifficultiesmustsurelybelesswhenthetranslatorisinsympathywiththeauthor.IhopeIwillnotbethoughtpresumptuous

if I say that I feel that I am somewhere, somehow, on Queneau’s wave-length – but this is why, intranslatinghim,Ithinklessofthedifficultiesandmoreofthefunandthe(spiritual)reward.

Anotherpointondifficulties:itismuchlessdifficulttotranslateagoodwriterthanabadone:itismuchlessdifficulttotranslateanauthorwhohassomethingtosay,andwhosaysit,thanonewhoneverseemstobequitesurewhatheistryingtosay.WhenonehastranslatedwhatweinEnglandirreverentlycall ‘FrenchArtCritics’Prose’,onecanonly,bycomparison, considerQueneau simplicity itself. Thetranslator isoften,perhaps, theonlypersonwho reallyknowshowawriterwrites.Hehas to analyseeverythingà fond, strip all these pages of black marks on white paper down to their bare bones ofsemantics, overtones, undertones, euphony, rhythm, ‘internal rhyme’ – everything – and then try andrecovertheskeletonwithnewfleshandbloodwhichneverthelessresemblestheoriginalsocloselythatitmightbeitstwinbrother.NowwithQueneau,everywordisthereforapurpose–nootherwordcouldbesubstituted for it. Every phrase, every chapter hewrites is there for a purpose and plays its precise,complicatedpartinthewhole.IntranslatingQueneau,thereisalwaysasolutionwaitingsomewheretobefound,andallthetranslatorhastodo(allhehastodo!)–istofindit.Withsomeotherwriters,though,oftentherecanbenorealsolution:whereisthesatisfaction,whensomethinghasoriginallybeensloppilythoughtoutandsloppilyexpressed,infindingtheexact(sloppy)equivalent?

InwhatwayisQueneaudifferentfromotherwriters?I seem tohavemoreor lessanswered thisquestionabove.There is also the fact that ‘whathe is

writing’and‘whatheiswritingabout’arethesamething.Itisjustbeginningtobefashionableforpeopletosaythatnothingseriouscanbewrittenwithouthumour.Well,Queneauhasalwaysknownthat,andhehasalways put it into practice. Itmay be because hiswriting is such an intricatemixture of somanyapparently disparate elements that one can read him again and again – and again – perhaps each timeunconsciouslyapproachingtheQuenelliankaleidoscopefromadifferentangle,buteachtimediscoveringsomethingnew.

HowdoIgoabouttranslatingQueneau?Every translator presumably finds a way of translating that suits himself, but which would not

necessarilybevalidforanyoneelse.However:first,Iaskthepublishertogivemeplentyoftime.ThenIread the book several times, possiblymaking notes, either of difficulties or of spontaneous solutions.Then, first draft, longhand, in pencil, in an exercise book,with a separate notebook for queries of allsorts,astherearealwayssomepointsonwhichIhavetoconsultencyclopaediasorFrenchfriends.OftenmyFrenchfriendsdon’tknowtheanswers,andwhilethisisverygoodformyego,itobviouslydoesn’tgetmeanyfurther.ThereusuallyremainsomeirreduciblepointswhichdefeateveryoneandonwhichIhavetoconsultMonsieurQueneau,thoughnaturallyItrytobotherhimaslittleaspossible.

After I have gone over the first draft, I have it typed. Then I make further corrections on thetypescript.WithZazie,IamamazedtorememberthatatthispointIgavethetypescripttothreeseparatefriends,allofwhomknewQueneau’sworkwell,andaskedthemfortheircomments.IsupposethatIhadtheeffrontery todo thisbecause itwas thefirstQueneaunovel that Ihad translated,andIwasscared.NowadaysIsimplydon’thavethecheek,becauseIrealisehowmuchworkisinvolved.Buttogetsuch

opinionsatthisstage,isinvaluable.Intheory,ofcourse,thissortofadviceisthejobofthepublisher’sreaderbut,inmyexperience,publisherseitherhavepracticallynothingtosay,orelseargueovertrifles,andpressmetochangethingsthatIamsureareright.IreckontoknowexactlywhyIhavedonewhateverIhavedone,buttoremainopentosuggestionsforimprovementsfromsomeonewhoisseeingtheworkwithafresheye.

A final confession. Quite often, when I am looking for some reference in one of my Queneautranslations,Ifindmyselfreadingon,asifIhadneverseenitbefore,andIfeelquitepleased.ButoneChristmas,withaFrenchfriend,wetriedanexperiment.WereadeachotherpassagesfrommytranslationofZazie,andthentriedtotranslateitbackintoFrench.Allwegotwasavery,verypaleimitationoftheoriginal.

Icare,dixit,ubies?Quateregionerequiram?OVID

OnthepapersnosignofIcarus:betweenthem–ditto.Helooksunderthefurniture,heopensthecupboards,hegoesandlooksintheprivy:noIcarus.Sohetakeshishatandstick,he’sinthestreet,hehailsafly.‘Cabman,drivetonumber47rueBochartdeSaron,anddon’tsparethehorses!’The fly flies, inno timeatall they’reatnumber47 rueBochartdeSaron.The faregetsout, says

‘waitforme’,dashesintothehouse,climbsupfourfloors,thedooropens.SURGETMydearfellow!Whatapleasantsurprise!HUBERTNoneofyoureburneancourtesies!Afterwhatyou’vedonetome!SURGETI?What?HUBERTIhaveabonetopickwithyou.Followme.HeleadsSurgetintohisownstudy,sitsdowninhisplaceandrakesthroughthepapersonthetable.SURGETCareful!don’tmakehayofmyforthcomingnovel!HUBERTComeon!Admitit!Admitthathe’shere.SURGETHe?Who’she?HUBERT(reading)EtiennewassecretlyinlovewithVictorine…blahblahblah…herhairwasas

yellowasripecorn…blahblahblah…Georges,herfiancé,wasagraduateoftheEcolePolytechnique…blahblahblah…

SURGETNosey!HUBERT(thoughtfully)Hedoesn’tseemtobehere.SURGETHe?Who’she?HUBERTYouremember,theotherday,Ireadyouthefirstfewpagesofmynewbook…SURGETNoreasontocomeandturnmineupsidedown!HUBERTYouwere good enough to think highly ofmy chief character, though I had only barely

beguntooutlinehim.Youcomplimentedmeonhim.SURGETPerhaps.HUBERTHewascalledIcarus.SURGETIremember.HUBERTWell–he’sdisappeared!SURGETHecan’thave!Whatajoke!HUBERTIt’snolaughingmatter.ItwouldbeanirreparablelossformeifIcouldn’tfindhim.SURGETYes,butyoudon’treallythink…HUBERTItisn’taquestionofthinking,butofknowing.Whereishe?SURGETI’venoidea.HUBERTSwearit!SURGETYes,butyou’renotreallygoingtosuspectmeofhavingstolenhimfromyou,areyou?HUBERTThatwaspreciselymyunspokenthought.

SURGETBut…zounds!Youinsultme:youoffendme!HUBERTSwear!SURGETYoucanseeforyourself…Etienne…Victorine…Georges…they’venothingincommon

withyourIcarus.AndthenthereareaDurand,aDuvelandaDupont…andaconciergewhomIcall–andImustsay,ratherdrolly,Ithink–Pipelet.

HUBERTYoucouldhavegivenhimapseudonym.SURGETIdetestthat.Ionlyrecogniserealnames.HUBERTAndwhatifheweretoadoptone,withoutyourknowledge?SURGETTheidentityofmycharactersisnomysterytome.HUBERTAndwhataboutyourflat?Hemaybehidingsomewhere.I’mgoingtohavealook.He inspects thewhole flat,opens thecupboards, looksunder the furniture;goesandexamines the

privy.HUBERTWhatluxury.ArealEnglishone,withwater.SURGETThanks to a small legacymywife came into. It costs the earth but, as the saying goes,

moneyhasnosmell.HUBERTAndstillnosignofIcarus.SURGETSofarasIcarusisconcerned,Iswear…HUBERTWhatdoyouswear?Andwhataretheoathsofablackguardlikeyouworth?SURGETOnmywordofhonour…Asthesayinggoes:manyatruewordisawordofhonour.And

honisoitquimalypense.HUBERTYourwordofhonourisn’tenough.SURGETPerhapshe’swithoneofourcolleagues?HUBERTYoudon’treallyexpectmetotraipsearoundtoallourcolleagues,doyou?SURGETParticularlyasnovelistsaresuchliars.HUBERTHowtrue.Exceptyou,ofcourse.Thenyouswear?SURGETOnmyhonour,IswearthatIcarusisnothere–andImayaddthatIdon’tknowwherehe

is.HUBERTIbelieveyou,thistime,butthatdoesn’tgetmeanyfarther.WhatshallIdo?Whatshall I

do?SURGETIfImaybeallowedtomakeasuggestion–whydon’tyouengageadetective?HUBERTRidiculousidea.Hewon’tunderstandathing.SURGET Don’t you know Morcol – the Subtle Shadowing specialist? The man who follows

adulterouswomenandfindslostsheep.Hehasappearedinmanynovelsunderdifferentnames.AsecondVidocq. A second Lecoq. As the saying goes: there are times when it’s ridiculous to fight against ashadow.He’llfindyourIcarusforyou.

HUBERTI’venogreatconfidence.Hegoestoseehim,allthesame.Hestopsatthedoor;anenamelledplate,Morcol,Discretion,2ndfloor.Avenomouslynauseating

corridorleadstoasimilartypeofstaircase.Hubertpullsacord;abellrings.

MORCOLMonsieur:Iamatyourdisposition.HUBERTMineisaveryunusualcase.MORCOLAllmycasesareunusual,Monsieur.HUBERTMineisveryparticularlyso.MORCOLThatisformetojudge.HUBERTIhesitate…becauseitissuchastrangebusiness…MORCOLIhearthemostwidelyvariedstories.HUBERTWellthen.Letmeintroducemyself:HubertLubert,anovelistbyprofession,byvocation,

even,andImightadd,ofsomerenown.SinceIamanovelist, then,I .writenovels.AndsinceIwritenovels, Idealwithcharacters.Andnowoneof themhasvanished.Literally.Anovel Ihad justbegun,abouttenpages,fifteenatthemost,andinwhichIhadplacedthehighesthopes,andnowtheprincipalcharacter,whomIhadbarelybeguntooutline,disappears.AsIobviouslycannotcontinuewithouthim,Ihavecometoaskyoutofindhimforme.

MORCOL(dreamily)HowextremelyPirandellian.HUBERTPirandellian?MORCOLAnadjectivederivedfromPirandello.It’strue,though;youcouldn’tunderstand.HUBERTAclient?MORCOLSsh!Let’sgetbacktothepoint.Whatdidyourfellowlooklike?HUBERTDifficult tosay.Ihadonlyarathersketchyknowledgeofhim.Tenorfifteenpages,you

understand,Ihadn’tgotanyfartherthantheexposition…MORCOLTheExpositionUniverselle?TheUniversalExhibition?

HUBERTThatisnotforeigntomytheme,butIwasinfactreferringtotheexpositionofmysubjectmatter.Themodernnovel,asyouareaware,doesnotbeginbyexhibitingtheprincipalcharacter,itleadsuptohimgradually…

MORCOLAllright,allright.Obviouslyyouhaven’tgotaphotograph.HUBERTObviouslynot.MORCOLAllowmetoaskyouafewquestions.Age?HUBERTYoung,asIsawhim.MORCOLCan’tyoubemoreprecise?HUBERTLet’ssayabouttwenty.MORCOL (ironically) You aren’t one of those people who like to compete with the Registrar

General?HUBERTThatisindeednotmystyle.MORCOLLet’sgetontohisphysicalcharacteristics,then.Height?HUBERTOnemetreseventy-sixcentimetresprecisely.MORCOLButyoudocompetewiththemetricsystem?HUBERTHa.ha.MORCOLLetuscontinue.Nose?HUBERTStraight,nodoubt.

MORCOLHair?HUBERTDarkbrown,Ithink.MORCOLSpecialpeculiarities?HUBERTIhaven’tgivenhimany.MORCOLResidence?HUBERTIintendedhimtoliveintherueBleue.MORCOLWhatnumber?HUBERTAnoddnumber.MORCOLWhichone?Therearequitealot.HUBERTIhaven’tdecidedyet.MORCOLNoneofthishelpsmeverymuch.HUBERTAsItoldyou,I’donlyjustbegunhim.MORCOLHasheanyrelations?Anyfriends?HUBERTIhaven’tthoughtaboutthatyet,butIhaveaverypurefianceeinmindforhim.MORCOLDoeshelikeher?HUBERTWehaven’treachedthatpointyet.MORCOLHaveyouperhapshadsomedisagreement?HUBERT I don’t think so. I am preparing a melancholy existence for him which could hardly

displeasehimbecauseheknowsnoother. Iwanthimto likemoonlight, fairyroses, theexotic typesofnostalgia,thelanguorsofSpring,fin-de-siècleneuroses–allthingsthatIpersonallyabhor,butwhichgodownwellinthepresent-daynovel.

MORCOLPerhapshehatesallthat,too.HUBERTHedoesn’tknowanythingaboutit.MORCOLHemayhavesomeinkling…HUBERTYouworryme.MORCOLIimaginethatyourbirdhasflown.HUBERTThere’scertainlyaflyintheointmentsomewhere.Don’tyouthinkit’smorelikelythathe’s

beenstolen?MORCOLIshallstartwiththeflight-hypothesis,andwithanadvanceoftenlouis.HUBERTThedeuce.MORCOLYouarehardlymakingthingseasyforme.Yourdataareextremelyvague…HUBERTI’mdoingmybest.Here–takethesetenlouis,andseethatyoufindhimsoon.Ishan’tbe

abletowriteaworduntilthemystery’ssolvedandIcaruscomesback.MORCOLIacknowledgereceiptofthetenlouis;I’llmakeanoteofhisname.HewritesDickyRuscombeinhisnotebookwhileLuberthandshimhiscard.Morcolistolethim

knowthemomenthehastheslightestlead.Hetakeshisdeparture,whileMorcolreflects.MORCOL Less than nothing, the clues this gentleman has given me, and I am supposed to do

somethingwiththislessthannothing.Imustworkoutwhatmethodtouseinthisparticularcase.Ihaveseveralstringstomybowbutthefirstthatcomestohandisthatofargumentbyanalogy.SupposingthatIwerethisDickyRuscombewholivesintherueBleueandthatIhadtakentoflight.Ishouldn’tgobackto

therueBleue.WherewouldIgo?AsIshouldn’thavemuchexperienceof life,beingonlysometenorfifteenpagesold,Ishouldnaivelygotoastreetwithananalagousname.NotknowingParisverywell,IshouldfindmyselfintherueBlanche.ThisisalineofargumentwhichIconsiderimpeccable.

Hegoesout,dressedinhisgreypaletotanduniversaltop-hat.MORCOLTotherueBlanche!

At the Globe and TwoWorlds Tavern in the rue Blanche there was only one free table, whichseemedtobewaitingforIcarus.Itwasinfactwaitingforhim.Icarussatdown,aslowbutsurewaitercameandaskedhimwhathewishedtopartakeof. Icarusdidn’tknow.He lookedat thenearby tables;theiroccupantsweredrinkingabsinthe.Hepointedtothatmilkyliquid,believingittobeharmless.Intheglasshewasbrought,thebeverageappearedtobegreen;Icarusmightwellhavethoughtthisanopticalillusionhadheknownwhatanopticalillusionwas;hewasalsobroughtastrangelyshapedspoon,alumpofsugarandacarafeofwater.

Icarus pours thewater on the absinthe,which assumes the colour ofmilt. Exclamations from theneighbouringtables.

FIRSTDRINKERDisgraceful!it’samassacre!SECONDDRINKERThefellow’sneverdrunkabsintheinhislife!FIRSTDRINKERVandalism!Purevandalism!SECONDDRINKERLet’sbeindulgent;let’ssimplycallitignorance.FIRSTDRINKER(toIcarus)Myyoungfriend,haveyouneverdrunkabsinthebefore?ICARUSNever,Monsieur.Ididn’tevenknowthatitwascalledabsinthe.SECONDDRINKERWhere’veyoucomefrom,then?ICARUSEr…FIRSTDRINKERWhatdoesitmatter!Myyoungfriend,I’mgoingtoteachyoutoprepareaglassof

absinthe.ICARUSThankyou,Monsieur.FIRSTDRINKERInthefirstplace,doyouknowwhatabsintheis?ICARUSNo,Monsieur.FIRSTDRINKERSheisourcomforter,alas,ourconsolation,sheisouronlyhope,sheisouraim,

ourgoad,andlikeanelixir–whichsheis,ofcourse–thesourceofourelation,itisshewholendsusstrengthtoreachtheendoftheroad.

SECONDDRINKERWhat’smore,sheisanangelwhosemagneticfingersholdthegiftsofblessedsleep,ofecstaticdreamsuntold.

FIRSTDRINKERKindlydon’t interruptme,Monsieur.That ispreciselywhat lwasabout tosayand,Imayadd,withthepoet:sheisthegloryoftheGods,themysticcrockofgold.

ICARUSI’dneverdaredrinkthat.FIRST DRINKER Not that, no! You’ve ruined it by slopping all that tap-water over it in such

barbaricfashion!Never!(tothewaiter)BringMonsieuranotherabsinthe.Thewaiterbringsanotherabsinthe.Icarusstretcheshishandouttowardshisglass.FIRSTDRINKERStop,idiot!(Icarusrapidlywithdrawshishand).Youdon’tdrinkitlikethat! I’ll

showyou.Youplace the spoonon theglass inwhich theabsinthealready reposes, and thenyouput alump of sugar on the aforementioned spoon,whose singular shapewill not have escaped your notice.

Then,veryslowly,youpourthewateroverthesugarlump,whichwillstarttodissolveand,dropbydropafecundatingandsacchariferousrainwillfallintotheelixirandcauseittobecomecloudy.Onceagainyoupouronalittlewaterwhichbeads,andbeads,andsoon,untilthesugarhasdissolved,buttheelixirhasnotacquiredtooaqueousaconsistency.Observeit,myyoungfriend,watchtheoperationtakingeffect…aninconceivablealchemy…

ICARUSIsn’titpretty?Hestretcheshishandouttowardshisglass.THIRDDRINKERAndnowpourthecontentsonthefloor.THETWOOTHERSBlasphemy!THIRDDRINKERIt’spoison.ENSEMBLEOFDRINKERSBlasphemy!CHORUSOFWAITERSBlasphemy!THEPROPRIETORHellanddamnation!ICARUS(bewildered)WhatamItodo?ALLMINUSONEDrinkit!THIRDDRINKERDon’tdrinkit!Ter,quater,quinquies…Thiscontinuesuntilthedoorofthetavernopensandayoungwomancomesin.CHORUSOFDRINKERS(FIRSTHALF)LN!Youcouldn’thavecomeatabettertime.CHORUSOFDRINKERS(SECONDHALF)LN!Shecouldn’thavecomeatabettertime.FIRSTHALFOFTHECHORUSYoushallbethejudge!SECONDHALFYoushallbethearbiter!FIRSTHALFYoushallbeourSolomon!SECONDHALFYoushallbeourBalkis!LNWhat’sgoingon?THIRDDRINKERIdon’tseewhythiswhore…LNThat’swhat I am, and I’mproudof it.Whore I amandwhore I remain.Butwhy a judge, an

arbiter,aSolomon?FIRSTDRINKERComeoverhere.Lookatthisyoungman.LNIsn’thehandsome!SECONDDRINKERShouldhedrinkhisabsinthe?THIRDDRINKEROrshouldn’the?ButIdon’tseewhythiswhore…ICARUSMademoiselle…LNMonsieur.ICARUSIshalldowhatyoutellmetodo,Mademoiselle.THIRDDRINKERSoyoung,andalreadyalostsoul…Absinthismandgrisette…Hedisappearsabruptly.LN(sittingdownatthetableofoneoftheothercustomersandindicatingIcarus)Whoishe?

FIRSTDRINKERIdon’tknowhim,andyoucanseehe’snotanhabitue.Justabeginner.Hedidn’tevenknowhowtopreparehisabsinthe…

CHORUSOFDRINKERSWell!Shallhedrinkitorshan’the?LN(toIcarus).Drinkit,youngman!ICARUS(wetshislipsandmakesagrimace).FIRSTDRINKERNothingseek,nothingfind.Tryagain.SECONDDRINKERGoon,tryagain.ICARUS(puttingdownhisglass).IshallonlytryitagainifMademoiselletellsmeto.LNMademoiselledoestellyouto.Haveanothersip.Icarusdrinksamouthful.Hesmilespolitely,andthenimbibesanothermouthful.SECONDDRINKERWell,whatdoyouthinkofit?ICARUS(afterathird,afourth,afifthmouthful,pensively).Howfarawaymynurse’smilkseems…howtheheavenlybodiesareincreasingandmultiplying…

howthenightfadesintothepalenebulae.Itisalreadyblue,theopalescentseaishushed…howfarawayIseemfromallthat…inthevicinityofthestarcalledAbsinthe…

FIRSTDRINKERDrunkalready!LN(movingovertoIcarus’stable)Well,pet,isitgood?ICARUSIdon’tknowwhetherit’sgoodornot,butIdowonderwhatpeoplewouldsayiftheysaw

meundertheinfluenceofthisdrink.LNButtheydoseeyou.Wealldo.Anditdoesn’tparticularlysurpriseus.ICARUSJustaswell.LNIt’sodd,butyoumakemefeelshy.ICARUSI’mcertainlyshyerthanyou,Mademoiselle.I’mnotusedtotheworld–thegreatworld–

andthisisthefirsttimeI’vebeenoutonmyown.LNWereyouatboarding-school?ICARUSMygoodnessno.LNInprison?ICARUSNotthat,either.LNTellall.ICARUSThestoveisunlit,forspringishere.Theinkflowsonthewhitepaperinshallow, fertile

rivuletsfromwhichfriends,relationsandenemiesareborn,aswellas indoorplants, in thecornersofapartments furnished with rep and velvet, mahogany and Cordova leather. The quill conducts a littleworldofobjectsandnamestowardsadestinywhichescapesme.Iamstandinginthemiddleofallthis,nearanarmchair,andwaiting.Everysooften,Imove.IwatchthehousekeeperbringintheMochacoffeeortheEnglishtea.MadamedeChampvauxcallsatfiveo’clock;Ihaveneverseenher,heshutsmeinatthismoment, I hear themgoing into the adjoiningbedroom, and then I hear nomore.The apartment isextremelysound-proof.Atother times,variousgentlemencomeandchat; their cigars,with lengtheningashandchewed-upend,burndownintheashtrays.Istillcan’treallyproperlyseethepeopleroundme…agirl,perhaps…herfather…Thewinter’sover,springishere…

FIRSTDRINKERAllofwhichisofnogreatinterest.

ICARUSThat’s exactlywhat I think.My humble self, as I amwell aware, is not of the slightestinterest.

LNNonsense,pet,nonsense.Youdon’twanttotakeanynoticeofthegeneralopinionofeverylo…FIRSTDRINKERMe?Low!LN(imperturbably)…ofeverylocalityyouhappentobein.FIRSTDRINKERHaha!Well,I’llstandanotherround.SECONDDRINKERMetoo.LNBereasonable.You’llmaketheyoungmanill.ICARUSButI’mquiteallright;myheadfeelshotandmyliverfeelscold,whichatthemomentisn’t

atallunpleasant.FIRSTDRINKERYousee!Waiter,anotherround!ICARUSIdon’tknowhowtothankyou.LNYoucanthankhimlater.SECONDDRINKERHemustbeabletoappreciatethethirdround.LN(toIcarus).Willyoubeabletoholdoutuntilthen?ICARUSI’mfloatingalittle.Thethirdroundisbrought.FIRSTDRINKER(observingIcaruspreparinghisabsinthe).Nottoobad,He’simproving.SECONDDRINKERHestillpoursthewaterrathertooquickly.LNYou’realwayscriticising!(toIcarus).Averygoodbeginning,pet.MORCOL (entering). (toMorcol). This is the third tavern in the rueBlanche that I have visited.

WhichofthesecustomerscouldpossiblybeDickyRuscombe?(tothewaiter).Waiter,haveyoubyanychanceseenayoungmanonemetre76tall,withdarkbrownhair,astraightnose…

WAITERHavealookoverthere.MORCOLTheredoesseemtobesomeresemblance…buthe’sprobablymorelikeonemetre77.

Nevermind,let’sgoandsee,anyway.HegoesovertoIcarus’stable.MORCOL Monsieur, excuse me if I excuse myself, but I have a message for Monsieur Dicky

Ruscombe.Youarenot,byanychance,he?ICARUSNo,Monsieur.ThusamInowisenempned.MORCOLAreyouquitesure?ICARUSEventhoughIambeginningtotakewingundertheinfluenceofastrongdrink,Icanbequite

categoricalthatthatisnotmyname.MORCOLInotonlyhaveamessageforMonsieurDickyRuscombe,butalsoaconsiderablesumof

moneyforhim.Averyconsiderablesum.Areyouquitesurethatyoudonotbearthatname?ICARUSAbsolutelycertain.MORCOLInthatcase,Monsieur,Iwillwithdraw.Inthestreet.MORCOLThelureofeasymoney:aninfallibletrap.Sohewasn’tDickyRuscombe,then.Andyet

hemusthavebeenonemetre77.Letuscontinuetopursueourenquiriesfromtaverntotavern.

LNYouwerequiterighttodenyit.Itwasatrap.ICARUSThefactisthatmynameisn’tRuscombe.LNAndwhatisyourname?ICARUSI’mnotverysureanymore…I’vestoppedsoaring,I’mswimming,now…indeepwater.

Andyou,Mademoiselle:Hélène?LNNo,LNintwoletters.Iamofcruciverbalorigin.ICARUSCruciverbal?LNIt’strue,youcouldn’tunderstand.Aren’tyouhungry?ICARUSIndeedIam,sincethisthingI’mdrinkingiscalledanaperitif.LNThenwe’llgoandhavedinner.Areyougoingtoinviteme?ICARUSI’llhavetoseehowmuchmoneyIhave,first.WAITERAnd,evenbeforethat,payforyourdrinks.ICARUS(spreadsoutsomesmallchangeonthetable).Hereyouare.WAITER(picksup75centimes,underLN’swatchfuleye).LN(standsup.Tothepeopleatthenearbytables)Messieurs.FIRSTDRINKERIhopeyouarenotdissatisfiedwithyourfirstexperience?ICARUSDelighted,butallthisdisturbsmealittle,andIhaveafeelingthatI’meludingtheforcesof

gravitation.Messieurs…Hebowstothemandgoesout,followedbyLN.Inthestreet.ICARUSAndnow,howarewegoingtomanagetoeat?LNWe’llgotoalittleplace1knowwhereyoucaneatfor1franc50.Don’tworry.Ishan’truinyou.ICARUSComeon,then.I’dlikeanotherabsinthe.LNlaughs.Intherestaurant.WAITER(adifferentone).Whatapleasure!Pleasesitdown.Icarussitsdown,sodoesLN,nexttohim.Shepicksupthemenuwithdetermination.Theyeat.Icaruspaysandtheyleave.Herroom.LNHowd’youlikemyplace?ICARUSNice.Ican’tthinkofanyotherword:nice.Theykiss.Later:LNIstilldon’tknowmuchaboutyou.

ICARUSIcantellyouthatIwasbornabout1875,undertheprincipateofMacMahon.Iwasaboutfourteen at the time of the Universal Exhibition. At least, I think I was. I was probably living in theprovinces,myfatherwasablacksmith–orpossiblyalocksmith.Hetookmetosee themarvelsof theterminating century.This admirable exhibition covered a surface of 958,572 squaremetres and itwasestimatedthatitwasvisitedby33millionpeople.Iwasoneofthese33millionvisitorsperambulatingthe958,572squaremetresofitssurface.Myfatherwasparticularlyanxiousformetovisit theHallofMachines,whichwasnolessthan450metreslong,115wideand45high,andalsothe300metre-highTower designed by an engineer called Eiffel and made entirely of iron, not forgetting the luminousFountainsdesignedbyanengineerofthenameofBechmann.Wepaidgreatattentiontotheproductsofthe55,486 industrial exhibitors, and looked somewhatmore rapidly at theworksof the5,110Beaux-Artsexhibitors.ThenMonsieurLubertcrosseditallout.

LNMonsieurLubert?ICARUSHebaptisedme,andIwas livingquietly inhisapartmentwaitingtofulfil thedestinyhe

wasweavingforme.Onedayheforgottoclosehismanuscript…LNHismanuscript?ICARUSYes. And a gusí of wind came and carriedme off. Instead of returning to that graphic

domicile Icontinuedonmywayuntil I foundmyself in thestreet.ThenIbegan towonderwhat todo,wheretogo,andthenbyaccident,attractedbytheodourofwhatInowknowtobeabsinthe,IwentintothetavernwhereImadeyouracquaintance,Mademoiselle.

LNYoucancallmeLN,youknow.ICARUSButnoneof this tellsmewhat isgoingtobecomeofmenow.Asyousee,LN,Ihaven’t

muchexperienceof life,but Iamnotunawareof thefact thatpeoplehave toeatandsleepsomewherewheretheyaresafefromthewolvesandthestorm,northat,tobeabletoeatandsleepsomewheresafefromthewolvesandthestorm,youhavetohavealotofmoneyandIhaven’tanyoratleastIhaveverylittleormorepreciselyIhavehardlyany.

LNDon’tworry,I’llseeyougetsomethingtoeateveryday,andyoucansleepinthisplace–myroom.

ICARUSButwhataboutallthemoney?LNThat’snoproblem–Ishallearnenoughfortwo.ICARUSReally?Thatwouldbewonderful.LNItwould,wouldn’tit,mylove?ICARUSThenyou’llbemypiggybank.Buthowwillyoudoit?LNDon’tbotheryourheadaboutthat.I’llseethatyouhaveenoughtoeat,andthatyouhavearoof

overyourhead.ICARUSIt’salltoobeautiful…providingthatMonsieurLubertdoesn’tdiscoverme.LNBeonyourguard!Beonyourguard!ICARUSButhow?LNBybeingonyourguard.

MORCOL(comingoutof the seventh tavern in the rueBlanche,havingdrunk the samenumberofabsinthes).

Another f****** fiasco!Howeverhard IRunabout theStreets,Scour theCountryside andPloughthroughtheWaves,I’mstillupagum-tree.HoweverhardIliveitup,I’llstillhavetogiveup.It’slikelookingforacamelinasieve.AndyetI’musingallmyreasoningpowers…I’mreasoning…and,asthesayinggoes,reasonrulesallthings.Butherethereseemstoberhymewithoutreason.Itmayrhymebutitaccordethnot.WhatcanIdo,though?Miaowatthemoon?Spitonmyfeet?Gnawmyteeth?Theseareallprocedureswhichare infallibly falliblewhen itcomes tosolvingaproblem,andones thathaveneverfiguredamongthemethodsIaminthehabitofemploying.Ishallrejectthemwithaflipofthefinger–andlet’sstartbyliberatingourspiritsfromthenoxiouseffluviawehavejustbeeningurgitating.

Whichhedoes.Andnowletusconsiderthingsclearly,andinthefirstplaceletusdismisstheflight-hypothesis.With

suchafledglingtherecanbenoquestionofanythingotherthanabriefescapade;hewouldn’tbeabletogofar,whichmeansthathecouldn’thavegonebeyondtherueBlanche.Hewouldn’thavedaredventureintoanyotherdistrict.Mustwecomebacktotheideaoftheft,then?orofkidnapping?butwhowouldbeinterestedinsuchacolourlesscharacter,onewonders,exceptacolleague.Acolleaguewho’sgotstuck,andislookingforcharactersforhisnovel.Myclientmusthavebeenright.

AVOICEINTHEFOGComing,darling?MORCOLOh,oh?Whisperwhodares?AVOICEINTHEFOGDon’tbeafraid,mypopsy-copsy.MORCOLDoesthisanonymouspersonthinkhe’sbeingfunny?LN (appearing under the light of a street lamp: her shadow is projected along the pavement and

extendsintothedistance).Irepeat,myhandsome,whatIhavejustsaid:areyoucoming?MORCOLWhatfor?(toMorcol).Inanycaseitisn’tahe,it’sashe.LNWhatfor?that’sagoodone.Youwouldn’tbeavirginatyourage,wouldyou?(sherecognises

him).Hell!MORCOLIhaveafeeling,Mademoiselle,thatI’vemetyoubeforesomewhere.LN There’s no mystery about it. At the Globe and TwoWorlds Tavern, where I was having an

absinthewithafriend.MORCOL Ah yes. The young man who was one metre 77 tall and who wasn’t called Dicky

Ruscombe.LNThat’sright.MORCOLAndthisDickyRuscombe–hewouldn’tbyanychancebeoneofyourcustomers,would

he?LNIdon’tknowanyoneofthatname.MORCOL(toMorcol).Onemorereasontothinkthatitisn’taflight,butatheft.

LNSo?MORCOLSonothing.Good-byeMademoiselle.Ishallcontinuemyenquiry.LNWhataboutthetimeyou’vemademewaste?Idemandcompensation.MORCOLThat’slogical,sinceMademoiselleisonthebeat.LNI’mthedrummerofArcole.Shebeatshimgentlyonthestomach:itreverberates.MORCOLSearchmefromtoptotoe–youwillfindnothingbutReason.Here–here’safranc.LNThat’llcomeinhandyformypiggy-bank.MORCOL(aloneinthestreet).Justaninsignificantincident.LetusresumeourargumentatthepointwhereIleftit.Itcanonlybeacolleague.HeringsatLubert’sdoor.HUBERTWhoisit?MORCOLThedetective.Hubertopensthedoor.HUBERTAlready?Haveyoufoundhim?MORCOLNotyet.Keepcalm,keepcalm.HUBERTI’mdyingwithimpatience.MORCOLDiebyallmeansbutkeepcalm.My intellectualpowershavecausedme tochangemy

mind.Itcanonlybeatheft.Wecannotentirelyrejectthehypothesisthatitisoneofyourcolleagues,butIamalsoconsideringyourvariousacquaintances.Iwantyoutogivemethenamesandaddressesofallthepeopletowhomyouarelinkedbyanysortoftie,ofblood,ofhostility,butinparticularoffriendship.

Lubertdoesso.Morcolgoesout.HUBERT(alone).Ididn’tputMmedeChampvaux’snameonthelist.Iamamanofhonour.

Icaruswaswalkingalongtheembankment,hewaslookingatthebookstallsbuthedidn’tdaretouchtheoldbooksbecausehedidn’t likedust andanyway thebooksellers seemed to him tobe frighteningcharacters,Cerberusesdefendingtheirpropertyrather thanpleasantpresentersofspiritualnourishment.Theywouldreprimandyoufornoreasonatall.Hewasreadingthetitlesfromadistance,undertheshadeofthechestnuttrees.HewasneartheQuaideGesvreswhenoneofthetitlesattractedhisattention.Fourwords which in all innocence seduced him: The Principles of Mechanics. After much hesitation, headdressedthedealerintheseterms:

‘Monsieur,excuseme,pardonme,butpleasemayItouchthisbook?’BOOKSELLERByallmeans,youngman.Makeyourselfathome.ICARUSYouaren’tbeingironical?orjoking?Makingfunofme?BOOKSELLERYoucanreadmelikeanopenbook.Carryon!ICARUSIdarenot.BOOKSELLERHere!–I’llhelpyou.Hegetsupfromhiscampstool,picksupthebookandholdsitouttoIcarus.BOOKSELLERIt’sprettyheavy-going.ICARUSMayIreallyopenit?BOOKSELLERCarryon,youngman,consultit,inspectit,youwon’twearitout!ICARUSOh,thankyou,Monsieur.BOOKSELLERAreyouinterestedinmechanics?ICARUSNo,Monsieur,notverymuch,Idon’tunderstandthefirstthingaboutit.BOOKSELLER (taking the book out of his hands).With a bit of effort you’re sure to understand

something. Look – there are two volumes bound together: Vol. I consists of Pure Kinematics andTheoreticalMechanics,andVol.IIdealswiththeMechanicsofBodies.It’sabargain.

ICARUSAndisthisbookforsale?BOOKSELLERFiftycentimes.Arealbargain.ICARUSThewholeofmypocketmoney!BOOKSELLERComecome,youngman,thisisasacrificeyou’llneverregret.Thisbookwillteach

you thatallmovements thatareproduced in theuniverse,whetherwith theco-operationofourwillorindependentof it,aredue to forceswhichareexercisedon themoleculesofnaturalbodies andwhichchange according to their natural divisions. These variations in distance are manifested in the life ofanimalsandvegetables,andinexplosions,detonations,thefiringofprojectiles,etc.You’llfindallthisonp.242.

ICARUSCouldn’tweputupascreen,though,betweenanimallifeandthefiringofprojectiles?BOOKSELLERJustreadwhat’swritteninthisbook.Fiftycentimes,itsagift.ICARUSHereyouare,Monsieur.Hewalksoff,turningoverthepagesofthebook.ICARUSTheequilibriumofanobstructedsolidbody…interesting…andevenrathersad…

DoctorLajoieprescribesalittleherbteaafterdinnerandalightbutnottoostrictdiet.‘Nochestnutpuréethen?’asksthesufferer.‘Nochestnutpurée’.’You’redeprivingmeofeverythinggoodinlife,’saysthesickman.‘Verywellthen,I’llallowyoutoconsoleyourselfwithtrufflesonSundaysandasmallcupofcoffee

aftereverymeal.That’llbetwofrancs.’Afterpocketingthetwofrancsandejectingthevaletudinarian,DoctorLajoiewentintohiswaiting

roomtoseeiftherewasanyonethere.DoctorLajoiewastheanxioustype,thesortofmanwhoalwayshasthefeelingthathehasn’tpostedhisletter,andwhochecksseventimesthathereallyhasboltedthedoor.Heknewperfectlywellthatnooneelsewaswaitingforhimintheroomsetasideforthatpurpose,yethehadtomakequitesurebeforeheshutupshopandwenttodineathisclub,forhewasabachelor,andhishousekeeperwhousuallyopenedthedoortohispatientshadgoneofftoconsultahealerintheprovinces.

He goes into the waiting room then, and there, to his great, to his very great surprise, he findssomeone. The someone and he look at each other in silence. Finally the Doctor says, in a voice thatbetrayssomeemotion:

‘Comein,Sir’.WhyhesaidSirhehasnoidea,hehasnot theslightestproofof thebritannicityof theanonymous

individual,butthelatterdoesnotseemsurprisedbythisdenomination.Hecomesin.‘Sitdown…Sir’,saystheDoctor.Hesitsdown.Silence.DOCTORWhatareyousufferingfrom,Sir?SIREverything.DOCTORAndyetyouaremobile.Youareevenverysubtlymobile. If Iamnotbeing indiscreet,

howdidyougetin?I’dshutthedoor.SIR(takingabunchofkeysoutofhispocket).Bymeansofmystethometer.DOCTORAh.(apause).Well,I’lllistentoyourchest.Takeyourclothesoff.SIRInevertakemyclothesoff.I’lltellyouwhatI’vegot:whininthescrotum,whiningnoisesinthe

stomach,parpensinthepancreas…DOCTOR(interruptinghim)Iseewhatitis.I’llgiveyouaprescription(hewritesitashespeaks).

Onegrammeofbicarbonateofsodaeverydayonrisinginaglassofwaterwithalittlesugarinit.Here.That’llbetwofrancs.

SIR(notunderstanding)Bicarbonateofsoda?DOCTORIt’samiraclemedicinethathasjustbeeninvented.

SIRHavemanyofyourpatientstakenit?Because,personallyyouknow,I’mratherwary.DOCTORMorethanahundred!Andalwayswithexcellentresults.SIRYouhaveagreatmanypatients,Isee.Manyfromthisneighbourhood?DOCTORIknowallthewritersandjournalistswholiveroundhereand,Imayadd,alltheir lady

friends.NotthatIwanttoboast.SIRIsMonsieurLubertapatientofyours?Thenovelist?DOCTORProfessionalsecrets…SIRI’mnotbeingindiscreet:itwashewhogavemeyourname.DOCTORIamobligedtohim.SIRAndamongsthiscircleofintimates…DOCTORWhat–morequestionstoaskme?IfIunderstandaright,you’reafalsepatient.SIRYoudounderstandaright.DOCTORAndafalseSir?SIRYouunderstandevenbetter.DOCTORMightyoubeanadventurer?SIRYourunderstandingfalters.DOCTORAsociologist,then?afollowerofLePlay,conductinganenquiry?SIRDon’tlet’sgooffatatangent.Let’sjustsupposethatIamnoone.DOCTORMonsieurOutis(toDoctorLajoie).Iamultra-cultured.SIRLetussupposethatwearetalkingquietlyamongfriends,thattherearethereforenoprofessional

secrets tobeconsidered; Iaska trivialquestion,quitecasually, incidentally, andyouanswer trivially,quitecasually,incidentally.

DOCTORIfIagree.SIRAmongyourrespectedpatients,isthereacertainDickyRuscombe?DOCTORAnEnglishman?Ihaven’tany.Notevenyou.SIRMyDickisn’tEnglish.He’sFrench.Ahyes,that’saquestionIforgottoaskhim.Butdoeshe

knowithimself?Inanycase,he’sonemetre76tall,hasstraighthair,adarkbrownnose,andwhatcoloureyes…

DOCTORYourremarks,falseSir,arebeginningtotakeonacertainmixedaspect.Mightyounotbesufferingfromslightmentalconfusion?

SIRThequestionthatyouincitemetoaskmyselfcausesmesincereanxiety.I’dneverthoughtofit.IsDickFrenchorisn’the,thatisthequestion.

DOCTORAswesayinFrench:voilàlehie.SIRNotthehie,theDick.DOCTORSoyou’relookingforthisman.Andwhy?SIRLetusdropthemask.IamMorcol,observationanddiscretion.Atyourservice.DOCTORI’mnotlookingforanyone.MORCOLDoctor,youarethephysicianofthefamousnovelist,HubertLubert.Andhe’ssuffering.DOCTORI’veneverprescribedanythingotherthanherbteaforhim.

MORCOLForreasonsofwhichIamunaware,nodoubtbecauseyouconsideredthattheworkhehasundertakenisinjurioustohishealth,topreventhimfromcontinuingityouhavedicknappedtheprincipalcharacterofhisnovel.

DOCTOR(stupefiedbythisneologism)Dicknapped?MORCOLWell,kidnapped,ifyoulike.DOCTORI!kidnap!commitacrime!You’rebarmy,MonsieurMorwhat?MORCOLMorcol.Observationanddiscretion.Atyourservice.DOCTORDon’tneedyourservice.Andastothedicknapping,Iindignantlyrejectsuchahypothesis.MORCOLLetmesearchyourpapers–andyourapartment.DOCTORYou’rebarmy,Irepeat.That’squiteclear.Youneed.treatment.MORCOLAgain!I’millandIdon’tknowit,wouldthatbeit?DOCTOR Since you don’t want any bicarbonate of soda, lie down on that couch and tell me

everythingthatcomesintoyourhead;it’lldoyougood.MORCOLAndwillthathelpmetofindmyDick?DOCTORAtleastitwillhelpyoutofindMorcolagain.MORCOLJustbytellingyouwhatcomesintomyhead?DOCTORPrecisely.MORCOLWhat?Somethinglikeflèched’orfishneithernormurdermostfoul?DOCTORYes.ThemethodofFreeAssociation.MORCOLAsyouwillhaveobserved,Iamnotignorantofit;it’sasortofmoralsearch,wouldn’t

yousay?DOCTORIngenious.MORCOLWell!I’mgoingtocarryoutaphysicalone.Morcolgoesthroughtheapartment,shakesbooks,movespapers.TheDoctorprudentlyallowshim

togetonwithit.DOCTOR(toDoctorLajoie)Averysickman.MORCOLExcusemeifIexcusemyself,butDickyRuscombeisnotinfacthere.We’llgoandlook

elsewhere:thankyou,Doctor.Hegoesout.DOCTORAverysickman.

IcarusiswaitingforLN,smokingapartagasanddrinkingportwine.ICARUSIcanonlycongratulatemyselfonhavingescapedfrommyoriginator’spages.Whatcanhe

bedoingwithoutme,Iwonder.Hashefoundsomeonetoreplaceme?Hardlylikely,becauseI’mprettysurethatI’mirreplaceable.No,hemustbeataloss.He’slookingforme,he’ssearchingforme, that’scertain,thatfellowtheotherdayatthetavernwasinhispay.LNtoldmesoandsheknowsalotofthings.Buthe’llneverfindmehere.HubertmusthavethoughtthatIwouldn’tbeabletodowithouthim,thatIwouldn’tbeable tomanage,andhereIamwithmyboardandlodgingandall therest. Icanawait theabsenceofeventspeacefully,andgoonreadingthisbookontheoreticalmechanicsofwhichIunderstandpreciselynothing.

LN(comingbackfromherbeat)Mypet,I’vebroughtyoutheresultofaday’slabour:somebrawn,someRussian salad, a litre of redwine, and twelve francs fifty-four centimes. Iwas forgetting: someorangesandcakes from thepatisserieon thecorner: a cherry tart foryou, a creampuff formeandanalmondcaketosharebetweenus.Iloveyouandyou’llbehappy.

ICARUSIaminfacthappy;I’vebeenrescuedfrommyoriginatorandI’masfreeastheair(thoughI’velearntthatevensoitdoeshavealittleweight),I’mdreaming,andI’mgoingtohavesomebrawn.

LNLet’seat!Theyeat.LNI’mgoingbacktoworkandtonightwe’llhavesupperattheCaféAnglais.ICARUSAmIwell-enoughdressed?LNAtthemomentyou’requitenaked.I’llsendyouthetailor.

AClub.Clubarmchairs.Conversation.JACQUESItseemsthatGoncourthaslefthisfortune–hisconsiderablefortune–tofoundaprizeto

rewardthebestworkofimaginationoftheyear.JEANWhatdoesmoneymatter:gloryisenoughforus.JACQUESOh! glory… I sometimes perceive its distant effluvia whenmy nose approaches the

windowofmyivorytower…distanteffluvia…distant…JEANPosterityisonyourside.JACQUESIshallbereadhalfacenturyhence,notbefore.JEANIshallbefamousinmylifetime,andyouwhenyouaredead.JACQUESJustbetweenourselves,andseeingthattherearen’tanyjournalistslistening,Isometimes

saytomyselfthatposterityisalongwayoff.Evenso,though,posterityisstillposterity,it’snotnothing.JEANPah!That’s justwhat it is,posterity–nothingness.Personally I like toanticipatemyglory.

WhatdoIcareifmynamefiguresinaHistoryofFrenchLiteraturebysomefutureBrunetière.I’dratherhaveafavourablereviewbyJulesLemaîtreorAnatoleFrance.

JACQUESInshort,degustibus…JEANNonestdiscutandum.Let’sforgetaboutourdifferentpointsofviewwhich,afterall,areonly

ofpurelysubjectivevalue–ittheyareoranyvalueatall,thatis–andtellme,mydearJacques,howyouaregettingonwithyourwork.

JACQUESWell,I’mstillwritingmynovel.JEANWhatisitabout?Youdidtellmesomethingaboutittheotherday,butinasomewhatobscure

fashion.JACQUESItisn’taboutanything.JEANNotaboutanything!That’smostsurprising.JACQUESIwantedtogivetheimpressionofthecolourmauve.JEANGoon,younotonlysurpriseme,youinterestme.JACQUESIfIhadchosentogivetheimpressionofthecolourviolet,Ishouldhavewrittenanovel

aboutecclesiasticalcircles.Forexample,anambitiouspriestwithhiseyeonabishopric,perhapsevenonthepapacy.He’shopingtobecomethefirstFrenchsovereignpontiff.

JEANWho’sdressedinwhite,notinviolet.JACQUESThat’swhyIgaveuptheidea.OrelseIwouldhavewrittenaboutageologistwhohad

specialisedinthestudyofamethysts;orabotanistwhowasanexpertonaubergines.JEANButmauve?JACQUESInthefirstplaceit’samoderncolour,andthat’swhatIwanttobe–modern.JEANHowdoyoumean,amoderncolour?JACQUESItdoesn’tappearintheLittrédictionary:allitgivesisthenounwhichreferseithertoa

plant–themallow–ortoadialectwordforasea-gull.

JEAN It’s true that it isn’t often employed as an adjective. And how do you see it, thismoderncolour?

JACQUESAverypaleviolet.JEANTherearen’tmanyobjectsofthatcolour,eithernaturalorartificial.JACQUESThesky,sometimes,whenthere’sastormbrewing,orwhenthetwilightispreparing to

extinguishthesun.That’swhyIamwritinganaerial,nottosaycelestial,novel.JEANButwon’ttherebeanythingelseinitbutmauve?JACQUESAdultery.JEANAdultery!Ifeverasubjecthasbeendonetodeath,ifImaysayso,thatonehas.Inanycase,

allwenovelistsofthedecliningcenturywriteaboutadultery.It’sbeginningtogetboring.That’sallIeverdo!Youdisappointme.Andyouhaveyoureyeonposterity?Yououghttochoosesomethinglessfin-de-siècle.

JACQUESYes,buttheadulterywillbemauve.JEANThat’soutoftheordinary.JACQUESIcertainlyhopeso.JEANAndhaveyougotallyourdramatispersonaetogether?Thehusband?Thewife?Thelover?JACQUESOfcourse.Thehusbandistheironmaster,PolydoredeRoubézieux,thewife’sChristian

name isVitalie, néeDupont, but of the baronial family of that name.And the lover is the very youngAdalbertdeChamissac-Piéplu.WhenIsaylover,Imeanfuturelover,becausenothinghashappenedsofar.

JEANAndthisChamissac-Piéplu,howlongisitsinceyoustartedhim?JACQUESForty-eighthours.JEANHowdoyouimaginehim?JACQUESOnemetre76,darkbrownhair,straightnose.Andhiseyes,naturally,aremauve.HUBERT(fromthedepthsofanearbyarmchairwherehehasheardthewholeconversation).Notthe

slightestdoubt,he’sthethief.ImusttellMorcol.EventhoughIcarus’seyesaren’tmauve.JEAN(toJacques)Andwheredoeshelive?JACQUESThat’sobvious.Can’tyouguess?JEANRueBleue.

IcarusiswaitingforLN,smokingapartagasanddrinkingportwine.HeislookingatanumberofL’lllustration.Thebellrings.Hegoesandopensthedoor.

THEVISITORIcanseeyouneedme.I’mthetailor.ICARUSDidLNsendyou?TAILORMademoiselleLNdidinfactaskmetocall.Iwasadvisedofthestateyouarein.And in

anycase,Iamnotalone.EnterTHESHIRTMAKERTHEBOOTMAKERTHEHABERDASHERTHEHATTERTHESTICKANDUMBRELLAMERCHANTTheyareallcarryingcardboardboxes.ICARUSSomanypeoplejusttodressme!TAILOR You’re starting from scratch. (Directing the operations). Every morning we start from

scratch.Todressamanistodressaworld.Westartwiththefeet:herearethesocks.Foryourlegs,someunderpants,ashirtforyourtorso,acollarfortheneck,anddon’tforgetthecuffs.Andthenwestartagain:shoes,trousers,braces,waistcoat,tie,jacket,hat.Andastickoracane.Nowyouareequippedtofacethegreatworld.Agreatcoatforthewinter,abum-freezerformid-season.

TAILOR(withdrawingwithhistroupe).Weweregivenaworm,andweturneditintoalion.

Jacques’sapartment.Heissmokingapartagasanddrinkingaglassofportwine.Ontheright,onhisdesk, themeticulously tidypagesofhis forthcomingnovel.HenryIIstyle furniture.Cordoba leather.Afewsmallpicturesinhugewoodenframes(wecan’tquitemakeoutwhether it’soakorebony).Chair-railsroundthewalls.

Enterhisvalet.MANDEMonsieur,aMonsieurwishestoseeMonsieur.JACQUESWhatdoeshewant?MANDEHe’s a journalist from theGaulois. He wants to write a column aboutMonsieur, with

Monsieur’scollaboration.JACQUESShowhimin!Hecomesin.Heis:MORCOLMonsieur.ExcusemeifIexcusemyself…JACQUESNotatall,notatall. Iworkforposterity,but Ineitherdisdainnordespisecolumnists.

Takeaseat,mydearfellow.Mandé,someportwineforMonsieur.Morcoltakesaseatanddrinkshisportwine.HesmackshislipsandstaresatJacques’spartagas.JACQUESYouareasybarite,mydearfellow.Heoffershimapartagas.Morcolbitesoneendoff, lights theother and, as a consequence, starts

puffingoutsmoke.JACQUESWell,mydearfellow,whatgoodwindbringsyouhere?MORCOLTheNorthwind,Maître,theonethatwillblowtheMontgolfierofyourfametowardsthe

Mediterraneanofyourglory!Butfirstofall,maywetalkalittleaboutyourbook.It’strue,isn’tit,thatitsheroisoneDickyRuscombe?

JACQUESDickyRuscombe?Notatall.He’scalledAdalbertdeChamissac-Piéplu.MORCOLAreyousurehe’snotcalledDicky?…aBritishabbreviationforRichard,according to

thedictionary.JACQUES (hitting himself on the forehead). But of course! I’d forgotten. His second name is

Richard,andwhenhewassmallhisEnglishnannyusedtocallhimDicky.Howcouldyouhaveguessedthat?

MORCOLYouadmitit,then?JACQUES (laughing). I admit everything. There is indeed a character calledRichard inmy next

novel.Ah!thesejournalists!MORCOL(jumpingforjoy.Crazywithjoy,even).Headmitsit!He’sadmittedit!JACQUESStrangebehaviourforacolumnist–evenaliteraryone.MORCOL(calmer).Comeon–givehimback!JACQUESWhat?What’sthat?Givehimback?Givewhomback?Uponmylife,thismanisoutof

histhinkingmind.

MORCOLComeon.Wedon’twantanytrouble.Tellmewhereyou’rehidingthisRichard.JACQUES But I’m not hiding him! He is very much in evidence. And in any case, if you are

interested,andinspiteofthefactthatyourattitudestrikesmeasbeingmostextraordinary,Icangiveyouhisaddress,becauseIhavegivenhimahouseofhisown.Helives…

MORCOLIntherueBleue?JACQUESBecausethereisn’tarueMauveinParis.Atnumber13A.MORCOLIsthatanoddnumber?JACQUESOh,youknow,whenitcomestomathematics,I…MORCOLIt’sofnoimportance.Ishallrunalltheway!And,infact,hegoesoutrunning.JACQUESThat’strue–is13Aanevennumberoranoddnumber?Pah!WhatdoIcare.Inanycase,

it’samauvenumber.

Inthestreet.TheDoctorgetsoutofacabthathasstoppedathisdoor.Heproffersamoderatelysatisfactorytip.THECABMANThanks,gov!Thecabdrivesoff.THEDOCTOR(ringing).AmIhappy?Inotherwords,oughtItogetmarried?Isitveryoddtocome

home to a solitary apartment? Wouldn’t it be less odd to know that you were being awaited by acantankerous termagant like the ones you see in the humorous papers I read? I read them because Iprovidethemformypatientstoreadinmywaiting-room.Ievenreadthemverycarefully,becauseIcutoutallthecaricaturesthatattackusdoctorsand,astheysay,makealaughingnight-scentedstockofus.Inshort,amIhappy?Inanycase,theexerciseofmyprofessionaffordsmeacertainsatisfaction.Yes,itisn’tlike thewriterswhose discussions I overheard just now atmy club. Their activities cause them suchanguish.Suchanxiety!Therealwaysseemstobeadoubtabouttheirart.Andyet itcan’tbedifficult towriteanovel,allyouhave todo is recounta truestory.AndIcertainlyknowsometruestories!But Idon’twanttobecomeanovelist. IwonderwhyHubert,Jean,JacquesandSurget,whohonourmewiththeircustomwhenever they’re suffering from the slightest trifle,never askme for ideas.Butno– theyinvent them.Ahwell (he rings again).They invent themso successfully that they sometimes even losetheircharacters.It’sasifIweretolosemypatients!

Helaughs.Thedooropens.AVOICEINTHENIGHTGoodevening,Doctor.DOCTORWellwell:goodevening,LN.Youhaven’tcometoconsultme,haveyou?LNNo,Iwasonmywayhometodress.I’mhavingsupperattheCafeAnglaistonight.DOCTORAprince?…LNNono;I’mplayinghostess.DOCTORLuckyman.HekissesLNontheforehead.Justasheisabouttogoin,shecomesback.LNDoctor.DOCTORWhatisit,mydear?LNYouknowallthewritersandjournalistsinthisneighbourhood–youdon’tbyanychanceknowa

M.Lubert,doyou?DOCTORIndeedIdo.He’soneofmypatients.LNHowishe?DOCTORThat’saveryindiscreetquestion.LNOh,excuseme.DOCTORWellwell.Asamatteroffact–withwhomareyouhavingsupperthisevening?LNThat’saveryindiscreetquestion,Doctor.DOCTORLetussaynomore,then.

Thistimeheshutsthedoorbehindhim.

Atno.13ArueBleue.MORCOLWorthyguardianofthisbuilding,isM.Chamissac-Piépluathome?CONCIERGENoMonsieur.MORCOLWheremightIfindhim,worthyguardianofthisbuilding?CONCIERGEM.Chamissac-PiépluistakingsupperattheCaféAnglais.MORCOLIshallrunalltheway!Inthestreet.MORCOL(runningwithhiselbowstuckedintohissides).Andnow,enroutefortheCaféAnglais!

Every step I take bringsme nearer to that centre of filthy lucre, luxury and lordly lewderywhere thefortunes of young toffs and handsome old barons aremade and lost, where they are dissipated – thefortunes–in thehandsofsemi-demi-repsanddemi-mondainesauxcamélias.Theplacewhere theyeattruffleswithfoiegras,caviarwithlentils,quailsencaisse,OstendoysterswasheddownwithTokayandfire-water,notforgettingthechampagnethatflowsonitsnoxiousandvaporouswayfromprivateroomtoprivate room.Theplacewhere themost famousadulteries are consummated and consumed.TheplacewhereKingsdebauchmidinetteswho thoughchastenevertheless experienceagreatneed for affection.TheplacewhereRussianprincesamongotherscometoexhausttheirSlavoniccharmatthesametimeastheirgoldroubles.Zounds!WhatagoodrunnerIam.I’mnotevenoutofbreath.

HearrivesattheCaféAnglaisandisabouttogoin.THE PORTER A BIG BURLY MAN Stand back, plebeian! We don’t want you sullying our

renownedvelvetswithyoursweat.MORCOL(makingaclinkingsoundwithhispurse).I’mnotshortofshekels.THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANWhatarericheswithoutclass?MORCOLBut…THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANStandback,vileyn.MORCOLAllright,allright…Hegoesoffmurmuring:Ishallhavetoresorttocunning.ThePorteraBigBurlyMandoesn’thear,owingtoaslightcaseofdeafness.

StilloutsidetheCaféAnglais.Ayoungmanandayoungladyappearatthedoor.THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANHalt!youngpeople.ShouldIletyouin?LNAndwhy,bigburlyman,shouldyounotletusin?THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANDoyoudeservetobeletin?Idon’tknowyou.LNYouwillknowmefromnowon,becauseIaminfullflight.Ishallrisehighinthehalloffame,

and be lauded to the skies. And I am accompanied by a young man of excellent family who is alsodestinedforabrilliantfuture.

THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANIonlyhaveyourwordforit.LNComeon,letusin,bigburlyman!Ourpocketsarefullofshekels–andaren’tweelegant?Shegoesin,followedbyIcarus,whosmilestimidlyatthebigburlyporter.THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANA very recently-acquired elegance. Still, in our profession,

whatdon’twesee,whatdon’twehear?Inourprofessionyoumightsaythatwestandatawindowthatlooksoutontotheworld.Astrangelittleworld–inotherwords,theworldofriotanddissipation.Withahop!andaskip!thisriotanddissipationtakesplaceundermyveryeyes,Iknowallitsmysteries,allitssecrets,allitsdeviations,butonedaywhenI’vemademyfortuneandgotmynest-eggtuckedawayIshallcomebackhereintheguiseofacaviarisedRussianprincewithabeavercoatandastrakhanboots,I’llbeas furryasabearandasabundantasa tip,and I shallexperience the joysand fatiguesofwildnightswhich at the moment, seen as a spectacle, rather tend to nauseate me. However that may be, for themoment I shall just watch it go by, this lavish, perfumed life which occasionally jettisons into myoutstretchedhandtheoddcomplacenthalf-farthing.

AYOUNGMANHothere,burlyman,isthistheCaféAnglais?THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANYes,milord,itisindeed.YOUNGMANInthatcase,Ishallgoin.THEPORTERABIGBURLYMANSeeingthatyoulookasifyouareweigheddownwithpounds

sterling,ourSesameswillopenoftheirownaccord.Whichtheydo(withtheaidofahumanhand).Theyoungmangoesin.MAITRED’HOTELHasMonsieurreservedhisprivateroom?YOUNGMANMonsieurJacqueshasreservedatableinmyname.MAITRED’HOTELWouldMonsieurbesogoodastoremindmeofhisname?YOUNGMANChamissac-Piéplu.MAITRED’HOTEL(bowing)Monsieur…Thisway,please…Chamissac-Piéplusitsdownatatable.LNandIcarusareatthenexttable:adishofOstendoysters

hasjustbeenplacedinfrontofthem.Thereisasoundoflittlewavelets.

MAITRE D’HOTEL (to Chamissac-Piéplu). Monsieur desires … Monsieur is waiting for …Monsieurwishes…Monsieurrequires…

CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUCouldn’tyoustopthatnoise?MAITRED’HOTELWhatnoise,Monsieur?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUCan’tyouhearit?MAITRED’HOTELAll I can hear,Monsieur, is joyous, jingling conversations, glasses rhyming

withknivesandforksand,floatingoverthisensemble,thesoundofthegypsybandpom-pommingthetunethatisthelatestfashion.

CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUStupidMaîtred’hôtel, Iamspeakingof thenoise thosepeoplearemakingwiththeirOstendoysters.

MAITRED’HOTELMonsieur…really…Idon’tunderstand.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUYou don’t understand! That’s a good one! You don’t understand! But you

shouldunderstand,myfriend.Comeon,getthoseostreophagistswiththeirlamellibranchestokeepquiet.MAITRED’HOTELMonsieur…ifMonsieurwillallowme…CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUIwillnotallowyou…MAITRED’HOTELifMonsieurwillallow…willpermit…me…Ican’thearanynoise…only

just the lapping sound of little wavelets which, I would have thought, could hardly inconvenienceMonsieur…butrather,onthecontrary,conjureupforhimtheideaofozone,health,theopensea…

CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUThatistoomuch.Weshallsee.Hegetsupandgoesovertothenexttable.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLU (to Icarus).Monsieur,may I request you to ceasemaking that clatterwith

youroystersintheirshells,itisanoisethatIcannottolerate.LN(toIcarus).Sockhimone.ICARUSWemightperhapsdiscussthematterfirst.LNThere’snowayofdiscussinganythingwithaloutlikethat.ICARUSWhatdoIdo,then?LNYouslaphisface.IcarusslapsChamissac-Piéplu’sface.CHAMMISAC-PIEPLUThatwasjustified,Iagree.Hereismycard,Monsieur.ICARUSThanks.(heputsitinhispocketwithoutreadingit).CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUWell!aren’tyougoingtogivemeyours?ICARUSCardshaveInone.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUYouhaven’tavisitingcard?ThenI’mnotsurethatitwouldbethedonething

tofightyou.Enteragentlemanwithalongbeard.GENTLEMAN WITH A LONG BEARD Allow me to introduce myself: I am the Marquis de

Locrom.Iamwellversedinaffairsofhonour.Whybeataboutthebush?Ihavesomesecondsathand,soyoucanfightyourduelwithoutmoreado.

ICARUSI’mnotgoingtointerruptmysupperforsuchatrifle.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUAndIdon’tseehow…inthemiddleofthenight…

GENTLEMANWITHALONGBEARDYoucanfightbytorch-light.Followme,Messieurs.LNGoon,pet.I’llwaitforyou.You’veneverfoughtaduelbefore,soluck’sonyourside.ICARUSAllright.Ifthat’sthewayitis…LN(alone)Whatacharmingyoungman. I lovehim, that’squitecertain.Withonesingle,unerring

bullethe’llkillthatgentleman.Weliveinanagewhentheduelisjustasacceptedacustomasitwasinthedaysof theThreeMusketeers.Nodoubt itwas the successof that famousnovelwhich for the lastgeneration or two has brought the duel back in fashion. It wasn’t practised during the Revolution.Robespierredidn’tfightaduelwithDanton.Somesay,though,thatit’sofficersonthereservewhoareresponsiblefortherestorationofthiscustom.PersonallyIratherinclinetothebelief that it’s theThreeMusketeers.Well anyway,whatever the reason,wewomen have to resign ourselves to this barbarouspractice.ForayeaoranayweruntheriskofourPrinceCharmingcomingbacktouswithasword-holeorabullet-holethroughhim,andsometimesmoredeadthanalive.Icarus!Butit’sIcarus!Iwasgoingtosayalready,butthatwouldn’thavebeenverykind.

ICARUSYes,hereIam.Curious,curiousaffair.LNDidyoukillhim?ICARUSFarfromit.Heranaway.LNThecoward.ICARUSTherewasa flywaitingoutside, theMarquisThingummypushesCountwhat’s-his-name

intoit,andHome,James,anddon’tsparethehorses!Countwhat’s-his-nameseemedtobeputtingupastruggle,perhapsitwasmoreanabductionthanaflight.

LNIcallthatfishilysuspicious.Nevermind,let’seatourOstendoysters.Soundoflittlewavelets.

HUBERT(sittinginfrontofablankpieceofpaper).Obviously,Icouldcontinuewithsomeof theother characters, but I’m fondof Icarus and I shan’t goonwithout him.Ah! Icarus! Icarus!why try toeludethefateforwhichIhaddestinedyou?Wherehaveyoulanded,inattemptingtotryoutyourwings?Iawaityourreturn,whethervoluntaryorinvoluntary.Inthemeantime,allIcandoisstare,dry-eyed,atthathard,forgottenlakewhich,underthehoar-frost, ishauntedbytheabsenceofacharacter.Whatafate–thatofanovelistwithoutcharacters!Perhapsthatishowitwillbeforallofus,oneday.Wewon’thaveanymore characters.We shall become authors in search of characters.The novelwill perhaps not bedead,but itwon’thavecharacters in itanymore.Difficult to imagine, anovelwithoutcharacters.Butisn’tallprogress,ifprogressexists,difficulttoimagine?Totellthetruth,progressstupefiesme.YoucannowgofromParistoNiceinlessthantwodays,theFairyElectricityisbeginningtoilluminatethetownsand,whoknows,perhapseventhecountrysideoneday,thetelegraphcrossestheAtlantic,balloonsaresoongoingtobeasdirigibleashorsesaredriveable:wherewillprogressstop?Wherewillitcometorest?Inliteraturethesymbolistshavealreadydoneawaywith thearithmeticofmetreandtherigourofrhyme,they’llbeabolishingpunctuation,next.Hm!cometothinkofit,thatwouldn’tbeabadidea,abitofdecadentpoetryinmynovel.Intheshape,forinstance,ofaprofessorof…

Thebellrings.HUBERT(atthedoor).Whorings,atthislatehour?AVOICEIt’sme.Morcol.HUBERT(openingthedoor).Haveyouanynews?Herecoils.Morcolenters,precededbyacharacterinwhosebackheisholdingapistol.MORCOL(takingoffhisbeard,andatthesametimeexclaimingtriumphantly):Hereheis!HUBERTHerewhois?MORCOLBut–yourman!HUBERT(lookingcloselyatChamissac-Piéplu).Thatisn’the.MORCOLWhatd’youmean,isn’the!YoususpectedJacquesofhavingpinchedhimfromyou.HUBERTImaywellhave,butmysuspicionturnsouttohavebeenill-founded.Thisgentlemanbears

absolutelynoresemblancetothecharacterwhoescapedfrommypapers.(toChamissac-Piéplu)Monsieur,IhopeyouwillbesogoodastoexcuseMonsieur.Therehasbeen

amistake.Morcol,highlyannoyedputshispistolaway.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUWhatsortofajestisthis?Ifinditdistasteful.Andyou,Monsieur,whathave

youdonewithyourbeard?MORCOLIputitbackinmypocket,tosavewearandtear.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUAndwhataboutmyduel?MORCOLThat’snoneofmybusiness,now.HUBERTWhatduel?

MORCOLApretext.Hetookitseriously.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUAreyouimplyingthatmyadversarywasyouraccomplice?MORCOLInvoluntarily.Asamatteroffact…(hefallssilentandbecomewraptinthought).HUBERT(toChamissac-Piéplu).Monsieur,youarefree.Withourapologies.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUIt’sallverywellforyou!Butmydueliswrecked.Ishallpassforacoward.

Whatwillpeoplethinkofme!MORCOLThat’sofnointeresttous.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUIshallgoandcomplaintoMonsieurJacques.HUBERTWhateveryoudo,don’tdothat!AnexcellentcolleaguewhomIwouldhatetoupset.What

canIdo,Monsieur,toobligeyou,andtorightthewrongMonsieurhasdoneyou?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUIcanseeonlyonesolution.Takemebacktomypointofdepartureandactas

mysecondinthisaffairofhonour.HUBERTMonsieur,mywordismybond.Iamyourman.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUComeon,then.HUBERTButwhereto?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUANDMORCOL(ensemble)TotheCaféAnglais!

At theCaféAnglais Icarus andLNare finishing their supper.Theyaregettingoutside abottle ofGrandCrémant.LNpassesherhandbagunder the table. Icaruspays thebill and leaves an Icarian tip,that’stosayamodestone,becauseheisn’tyetversedinthewaysofsociety.LNtactfullymakesitupbyslippinganextralouisd’orinthemaîtred’hôtel’smitt.

MAITRED’HOTELWaseverythingtoMonsieurandMadame’sliking?LNVerymuchtotheirliking.TheOstendoysterswereabitsnotty.Thefoiegraswasabitbloody.In

short,perfect.Adeluxerestaurant.MAITRED’HOTELAndtheduelthatwassocomfortablydespatchedinnotimeatall–thatwasa

pleasure.ICARUSAmystery,rather.LNDon’tunderestimateyourmerits.Youputavulgariantoflight–itwasmorethanaduel,itwasa

lesson.Wasn’tit,Maîtred’hôtel?MAITRED’HOTELYes,Madame. I hopewe shall have the pleasure of seeing you again soon,

Madame;andyou,Monsieur.LNandIcarusleave.MAITRED’HOTELWhatacharmingcouple–butanyonecouldpredicttheirfuture.Theyoungman

isnomoreanoblemanthanheisthesonofthevillagenotary:hewon’tgofar.She’llfindanotheradmirerwhowillberichandinfluential,he’llbecomejealous,ah,it’stheold,oldstoryandIknowitbyheart.I’vereadagreatmanynovelsandIknowwhathappensnext.He’llstartmakingscenes,she’lltellhimtogotoblazes,he’llreactwithanoblegesture,he’dratherstarve,aconfrontation,animpulsiveaction,andpfft!he’soutonhisear.Hewon’ttryandfindanotheronebecausehe’sstillinlovewiththisoneanditwon’tevenoccurtohimthattheotheronecouldalsoprovidehimwiththemeansofexistence.He’snotthe stuff that pimps aremade of.He’ll become a drunkard, or a beggar, ormaybe he’ll even join theForeignLegion.Wellwell,here’sourerstwhileduellistcomingback.Monsieur…

CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUWherehasthegentlemanwhowassittingatthistablegone?MAITRED’HOTELAsMonsieurwillbeabletoobserve,hehasfinishedhissupperandleftwith

theladywhowasaccompanyinghim.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUWhowashe?Wheredoeshelive?MAITRED’HOTELMonsieur,Ihavenoidea;absolutelynoidea.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUYourignorancegrievesme.Myfirstduel…Astainonmyhonour…Ithink

I’mgoingtocry…tomissmyfirstduel…MORCOLPah!Thereareasgoodfishintheseaasevercameoutofit.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLU(suddenlylosinghistemper).Andit’sallbecauseofyou!Imbecile!Here–

here’smycard.I’llhaveatleastoneduel.MORCOLMonsieur,yourrequestisunacceptable.Inmycapacityasdetective,Idon’tfightduels;it

ismyduty,rather,topreventthem.

CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUIcan’tbearit…mypoorduel…(hebreaksdown).HUBERTComecome,bebrave!Look,we’llshareabottleofchampagneandthenI’lltakeyouback

toM.Jacques.ButnowIcometothinkofit–perhapsyouhaven’thadsupper…?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLU(overwhelmed).I’mhungry.HUBERTMaîtred’hôtel,atable.MAITRED’HOTELThisoneisawaitingyouwithopenarms.TheysitdownatthetablethatIcarusandLNhavevacated.MAITRED’HOTELWhatwouldMessieursliketostartwith?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUOstendoysters.

MORCOLLet us sum up the situation and, like the captain of an ocean-going liner, I’ll take ourbearings.InthefirstplacethereissomethingthatImustfirstofallrecord:IhadahellofagoodmealattheCaféAnglais,andforthefirsttimeinmylife,what’smore.MonsieurLubertisbeginningtotreatmelikeafriend,heinvitesmetosupwithhim!Perhapshe’sforgottenmyinferiorposition,orperhapsI’vegoneupapeg.Whateverthereason,Ihadamagnificentmeal.TheOstendoysterisasuperbanimal, thestuffedturkeywasn’tbadeither,theptarmigantartwithtruffleswasremarkableforitsdelicacyandthelittlevanilla-flavouredcoconutsoufflesdidn’tdispleaseme.Inthesecondplacethereisasecondthingthat Imust record: the presence at theCaféAnglais of the little grisette I saw at theGlobe and TwoWorldsTavernwiththatvagueyoungmanwhowasonemetre77tallwhomIquestionedintheapprovedmanner and who isn’t Dicky Ruscombe. That they should frequent the Café Anglais was certainly asurprise,butonefromwhichatthemomentIseenoconclusiontobedrawn.Inthethirdplace,finally,bymanipulatingthesextant,thecompassandthemagnetisedneedleofmyprofession–ariskymetaphor,forIdon’treallyknowiftheseareinfacttheinstrumentsusedforthispurpose,totakeone’sbearings,Imean–the only thing left for me to do now is to carry out the routine work of visiting successively allM.Lubert’scolleagues,whoarenumerous,butIamnotdevoidofpatience,norM.Lubertofthespondulicsnecessarytosupportsuchanenquiry.Finally,inthefourthplace,havingthustakenourbearings,theonlylatitude left tome now is to seek the longitude ofmy hammock, whichwe shall now do not withoutpleasure.

Icaruswasupfirst,hewentdowntobuysomecroissants,oncredit,whichhadn’tyetbeenkilledbybad debtors.Hewent up again,made himself some coffee and breakfasted alone,while LNwas stillasleep.AfterwhichhereadhisTreatiseonTheoreticalMechanics,andthelessheunderstooditthemoreheenjoyedit.

AfterthatLNwokeup,andallwasLaughterandFrolic;thenshestartedherdaynotwithcroissantsandcoffee,butwithbrawnsalad,towhichshewasverypartial,andafewgoodglassesofredwine,adrinkwhichsheparticularlyappreciated.

Sheworkedintheafternoonsandearnedagreatdealofmoney,thusamplifyinganest-eggwhichinthenearfuturewouldenablehertochangeherprofession.Icaruspotteredaboutinthemodestapartmentand, after takinggreat pains over his toilet, later in the daywent down to drink some absinthes at theGlobeandTwoWorldsTavernwhilehewaitedforLNtoreappear.Thentheywentandhadsupper,butsincethestrangeepisodeoftheabortivedueltheyavoidedtheCaféAnglais;inanycaseLNconsideredthatitwasafterallabitexpensive.

SometimesLNwasbusyintheeveningstoo,butthisdidn’tparticularlysurpriseIcarus.

Hubert issmokingapartagassitting in frontofsomeblanksheetsofpaper.He ismelancholicallydrinkingportwine.Thebellrings.It’sMorcol.

MORCOLMonsieur,Ihavecometogiveyouanaccountofmymission.HUBERT(wearily).Stillnegative,youraccount?MORCOL(enthusiastically).Stillnegative.Butit’sthedetailsthatcount.HUBERT(verywearily).I’mlistening.MORCOL(delighted)Monsieur,Idon’tknowhowtoexpressmygratitudeinsofarasthemission

you have entrusted to me is concerned. I have never yet performed such an interesting mission. Yes,Monsieur, now Iknowall your colleaguespersonally!There is not a single novelistwhom I have notauscultated,beheaworldling,anaturalist,asymbolist,aregionalist,anhistorian,ornomatterwhat.Ihaveevenincludedepicpoetsinmyenquiry:theyareararebreed,itistrue,butwemustn’tneglectanypossibility.Andyoucannotbutadmire,Monsieur,myintelligenceandinitiative:Ihaveevenvisitedourplaywrights.

HUBERTThatwasprettyuseless.MORCOLIdon’tseewhy.Therearecharactersinplays,aswell.Infact,that’sallthereis.HUBERTYes,buttheyaren’tthesame.Acharacterinanovelcan’tbecomeacharacterinaplay.MORCOLIbegyourpardon,Ibegyourpardon,MonsieurLubert.Idon’tagree.Idon’tseewhya

characterinanovelcan’tbecomeacharacterinaplay.Andtosupportmyargument,letmecitecertainplays that havebeen adapted fromnovels.For example,M.deGoncourt and his FilleElisa, itwas anovel,andthenitbecameaplay,andyet theyare thesamecharacters.Andacharacter inanovelmayeventurnintoasinger.Manon,forexample,whichwasanovelandthenbecameanopera(andperhapsevenacomicopera).Idon’tseewhatyoucanfindtosaytothat.Haha!I’mbeginningtounderstandabitabout these thingsnow.I’verubbedupagainstsomanymembersofyourcorporationthat it’smademequitephosphorescent.

HUBERTIbegyourpardon!Ibegyourpardon!theyarenotthesamecharacters,theyaredifferentones.Theybearthesamename,buttheyhavenothingincommon,d’youhear?–NOTHING.IsthethirdrateactresswhiningAdieu,ourlittletable–thesameastheAbbéPrévost’sManonLescaut?No,misterdetective.No:theyaretwodifferentcharacters.

MORCOLDon’tagree.HUBERT(nauseated). Inanycase,even ifyouarenowshowingsignsof literarypretentions, you

haven’thadmuchsuccessinthefieldofdetection.MORCOLPatience!patience!yourDickywon’teludemeforlong.HUBERTMyDicky?WhydoyoucallhimDicky?MORCOLIcallhimDickybecauseyoucallhimDicky.HUBERTIdon’tcallhimDicky,IcallhimIcarus.

MORCOLFirstI’veheardofit.Didn’tyousay:Ishan’tbeabletoworkuntilthemystery’ssolvedandDickyRuscombe’sback?Ruscombewashissurname,Ipresumed.

HUBERTHisnameisIcarus,andthat’sthat.MORCOL.AndherehaveIbeenlookingeverywhereforaDicky…Whatdidyousayitwas,then:

Icarus?Justoneword?HUBERTYes.Iseeehareyouess.MORCOLIcarus?That’snotaChristianname,I’veneverseenit in thecalendarofsaints.It’shis

surname,isit?HUBERTIt’sjustaname,that’sall.MORCOLThenI’llhavetostartmyenquiryagainfromscratch,Isuppose?HUBERTObviously,ifyouwerelookingforaDicky.MORCOLWellwell, that’s amistake that’s going to cost you dear,MonsieurLubert. I’ll need a

furtheradvanceoftwentylouis.HUBERTYouaredangerously ruiningme.Andhowcan I tell that you’ll knowbetter how to set

aboutitfromnowon?MORCOLMonsieur,withtheelementsthatIhavehithertoneglected,theplotnowthickensaround

thenameofIcarus.Butasinthecaseofamayonnaise,thiscanonlybeagoodsign,andIamconfidentthatwhatisnowabouttohappenintheStendhalianphenomenonofcrystallisation.Itisnownomorethanaquestionofacentimetre.

AttheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavern.ICARUS(sittinginfrontofhisfifthabsinthe).ImightcompareabsinthetoaMontgolfier.Itelevates

thespiritastheballoonelevatesthenacelle.Ittransportsthesoulastheballoontransportsthetraveller.Itmultipliesthemiragesoftheimaginationastheballoonmultipliesone’spointsofviewovertheterrestialsphere.Itisthefluxwhichcarriesdreamsastheballoonallowsitselftobeguidedbythewind.Letusdrink,then,letusswiminthemilky,greenishwaveofdisseminatedoneiricimages,inthecompanyofmysurroundinghabitués:theirfacesaresinisterbuttheirabsinthedheartsabsentthemselvesalongabstruseandmaybeabyssineabscissae.

LN(comingin)Mypet!that’syourhowmanieth?ICARUSMyseventh.LNButyou’veonlygotfivesaucers.ICARUSIwasanticipating.I’mananticipatorycharacter.LNYou’reinagoodmood,Isee.Waiter,thesame.Weren’tyouboredwithoutme?ICARUSNotatall.Iwaswaitingforyou.LNWouldyouhavebeenequallypleasedtowaitlongerforme?ICARUSI’llwaitforyouaslongasyoutellmeto.LNSeveraldays.Morethanaweek,maybe.ICARUSAmIallowedtoaskwhy?LNI’mgoingtochangemyjob.Myprofession.Imadethedecisionallbymyselfinmylittlehead

becauseofmy loveforyou.TheprofessionI’vebeenfollowing,oneof theoldest in theworld,as thesayinggoes…

ICARUSAmIallowedtoknowwhatitis?LNDon’t let’s talk about it anymore, since I’mchanging it. I’mgoing tobecomeamodiste or a

dressmakerorsomethinglikethat.I’mgoingtotheprovincestocollectaninheritanceandwhenIcomebackIshallsetmyselfupinbusiness.I’llleaveyousomemoneytoliveonwhileI’maway,youmusttakegood care of it, youmust use it reasonably, you mustn’t go to the Café Anglais, for instance and, ingeneral,becareful!Beverycareful!Beonyourguard!Neverstopbeingonyourguard!

ICARUSWe’lldoourbest.LNI’mratherworriedaboutleavingyouonyourown.ICARUSIshallthinkofyouallthetime,andI’llbeonmyguardagainsteveryone.LNThen,waiter!–anotherabsinthe.

MORCOL(entersandsitsdownatatable.Tothewaiter).Waiter,abeer.(toMorcol).Theretheyare.They’rebothsittingoverthere.Thegirldoesn’tinterestmebecauseI

haven’tgottoreclaimher.Waiter!WAITERYes,Monsieur.Wasthebeertepid?MORCOLNo,no.Excellent,yourbeer.Thatwasn’twhyIcalledyou.WAITERThat’swhatIthought.MORCOLThatyoungmanovertherewiththatyounglady,thethirdtablefromtherightintheback

row,youdon’tbyanychanceknowhisname,doyou?WAITERLet’shavealook.Thethirdtablefromtherightinthebackrow?Frommyrightor from

theirrightMORCOLFrommyright.Hurryup,they’rejustpaying.WAITERAh,youmeantheyoungmanwho’sjustpaying?Don’tyoubelieveit,Monsieur,heisn’t

paying.It’sanillusion.Heonlylooksas ifheis.It’sactuallytheyoungladywho’spaying: justoneofthosethings.

MORCOLButthename!Quick!They’releaving.WAITERThename?Thenameoftheyoungperson?MORCOLNo!Thenameoftheyoungman,darkbrownhairetcaetera.LN(outside).Didyouseethatfellow?It’syouhe’slookingfor.Don’teversetfootinhereagain.ICARUSDon’tworry.WithoutyouIshalllosemytasteforabsinthe.MORCOL(outside).Hemaybetheone.He’sdisappeared.Meanwhile,I’mtighteningmynet.Don’t

let’sbeintoomuchofahurry,though,anddon’tlet’sneglectourotherwork.Afterall,thisisn’ttheonlythingIhavetodo.

MmeDECHAMPVAUXIt’squiteobvious–youdon’tlovemeanymore.HUBERTOhcome,ofcourseIdo.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWellthen…yourlackofardour…forthelastfewweeks…explainthat

…HUBERTYouhavetohaveallyouri’sdotted.Ihavesomeworries,withadotonthei.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWhatworries,ifyouplease?HUBERTThey’re…professionalworries…MmeDECHAMPVAUXIdon’tseehowanyonecanhaveworriesinyourprofession.HUBERTWehavethemjustasmuchaspeopledoinanyotherprofession.More,even.MmeDECHAMPVAUXYoumakemelaugh.Yousitdownatyourtableinyourslippers,youpick

upapenandyouwritewhatevercomesintoyourheadwithoutputtingyourselfouttoomuch,afterwardsyouevenfindsomeonetopublishyouandgiveyousomemoney.Writerslivelikefightingcocks.Worries–youmakemelaugh.

HUBERTLetusdrawaveiloveryoursingularideas,onwhichIshallrefrainfromcommenting. IassureyouthatIhavesomeseriousanxieties,butIdon’twanttoboreyouwiththem.

MmeDECHAMPVAUXLet’ssee.Whatanxieties?HUBERTIt’sdifficulttoexplain.MmeDECHAMPVAUXIsupposeyouthinkI’mstupid?HUBERTFarfromit,farfromit,butyouwillfinditdifficulttobelieveme.MmeDECHAMPVAUXThat’sjustwhatIthought;Icansmellabadexcusehidingsomewhere.HUBERTNotbad:excellent,legitimate.MmeDECHAMPVAUXIstilldon’tknowwhatitis.HUBERTDoyouwantmetotellyou?MmeDECHAMPVAUXYourlackofardourwouldoffendmeifitisn’tbasedonseriousworries…HUBERTWell,it’slikethis.I’djuststartedanovel…MmeDECHAMPVAUXThatisn’taworryforyou,anditdoesn’tboreme.Itmightborethepeople

whohavetoreadit,ofcourse.HUBERT(shrugshisshouldersandcontinues).I’dwrittensometenorfifteenpageswhenmychief

character,Icarus,disappeared.Impossibletocontinue!MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndallyoucandoaboutitisbesorryforyourself?HUBERTNotatall.I’vetakenaction.I’veengagedadetective,aspecialistinSubtleShadowing,to

trackhimdown.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndwhatisthenameofthisindividual?HUBERTMorcol.MmeDECHAMPVAUXPah!Morcol?He’sabsolutelyuseless!Iknowhimverywell.Myhusband

has engagedhim to followme.Don’tworry, hedoesn’t know I’mhere. I read the reports he sends to

Julien.They’relaughable.HUBERTAtleasthetakessometrouble.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndwhydon’tyoulookforyourIcarusyourself?HUBERTWhatwouldbetheuseofdetectives?MmeDECHAMPVAUXMorcolwillneverfindhimforyou.He’shopeless–I’myourproofofthat.HUBERTIbelieveinhim:I’mwaiting.MmeDECHAMPVAUXYoucouldcarryonwithoutthisIcarus.HUBERTImpossible.MmeDE CHAMPVAUXWhy not make the best of it – write something else and get back your

ardour.HUBERTOh!yougetonmynerves!Mindyourownbusinessandstoptellingmewhattodo.You

don’tknowtheslightestthingaboutmywork,nottheslightest,slightestthing.Youunderstand?MmeDECHAMPVAUXYes,Hubert.I’llcomebackwhenyou’vestartedworkagain.HUBERTThat’sright,that’sright.Shelowersherveilandleaves.Inthestreet,Morcolfollowsher.

DOCTORComein,mydearfellow.Ihopethere’snothingseriouslywrongwithyou.Thoughthat’saninsipidquestion,becauseit’sIwhoshouldtellyou.Butfirstofall,whowasthatfreakofnatureyousentmetheotherday?

HUBERTThat’sjustit.Hehasanimmediaterelevancetomypersonaltroubles.DOCTORI’mlistening.HUBERTDoctor,I’mblushing,butit’saparticularlyintimatequestionthatbringsmehere.DOCTORWell,blushingisvirtue’scolour,asthesayinggoes,butyouneedn’tbothertoblushwhen

you’retalkingtoyourdoctor.HUBERTThething…yousee…well,thethingis,I’mlackingin,er,ardour…DOCTORSimpleasSimonPure!Takeanaphrodisiac.HUBERTWouldn’tdoanygood.It’smymorale.DOCTORIfyouknowbetterthanIwhatthematteriswithyou,whycomeandconsultme?HUBERTIthassomethingtodowithmytrade.DOCTORYouhaven’tatrade,youhaveaprofession.HUBERTTradeorprofessionornothingatall,atallevents, Iwrite;andIwritenovels.And the

heroofmynextnovelhasflown.DOCTORIknow;yourfreaktoldme.HUBERTThatfreakisadetective.DOCTORAmadman.Hesuspectedme!HUBERTYoumustexcusehim.DOCTORAndwhyhasyourheroflown?Didhehaveanythingtocomplainabout?HUBERTWhatshouldhehavetocomplainabout?He’donlyexistedforafewpages.DOCTORPerhapsyouwerepreparingabitterfateforhim.HUBERTNotinmyopinion.DOCTORPerhapsinhis.HUBERTDoctor,Icametoconsultyouaboutmyself,notaboutIcarus.DOCTORHe’scalledIcarusnow,ishe?HUBERTHe’salwaysbeencalledthat.DOCTORAh!Inanycase,it’sadifficultnametobear.HUBERTYou’remoreworriedabouthimthanyouareaboutme!ButI’mtheonewiththeproblem.

Untilhe’sfound.DOCTORWell–youmustjustbepatient.HUBERTPatient!DOCTORAsedative,then.Someorange-blossomwater.Someherbtea.Thatcan’tdoyouanyharm.HUBERTYouwere recommending an aphrodisiac not long ago, and now it’s a sedative: Iwant

neithertheonenortheother.

DOCTORThat’sthemodernpatientallover.They’dliketodictateourprescriptionstous!HUBERTNoneorthisgivesmebackmyIcarus.DOCTORI’mnotadetective.HUBERTAndthen,I’mbecomingirritable.Veryirritable.Can’tyoureallydoanythingforme?DOCTORTakesomebicarbonateofsoda…it’samiracleremedy…HUBERTIdon’tbelieveinit.DOCTORThere’sanewpharmacofugalmethodIcantryonyou.HUBERTThanks!Ihaven’tgottothatpointyet.DOCTORWellthen,I’llwriteyououtaclassicprescription:herbteaonrising,andalittleorange-

blossomwateronretiring.That’llbetwofrancs.HUBERTThankyou,Doctor,butI’minaverybadmood.DOCTORWhatdoyouexpect–that’slife.

JEANWell,mydearJacques,howfarhaveyougotwithyournovel?JACQUESMyChamissac-Piéplu nearly fought a duel, but I’m keeping that episode for later on.

Aftertheadulterythathasjusttakenplace.Inafly.JEANIcan’thelpobserving,mydearJacques:adulteryinafly–whatcouldbemorebanal?JACQUESYes,butmyflyismauve.JEANThere’snosuchthing.JACQUESThat’sthewayIseeit.JEANPerhapsyouhaveanimpressionisticeye?SURGET(insurgent).Myfriends,I’vejustfinishedanovelwhichisgoingtoselllikehotcakes.JEANWhat’sitabout?SURGETAdultery.Andinafly,what’smore.JACQUES(anxiously)Ihopeitisn’tmauve?SURGETWhatanextraordinaryidea.No.It’s…black.Actually,I’veneverthoughtaboutthecolour

offlies.They’reblack,Ithink.Inanycase,seeingwhattakesplaceinthem…JEANWell,myadulterytakesplaceinabed.SURGETYou’reindecent.JEANNo, only daring.And I’d be evenmore so if the lawswere not so strict.By theway,my

friends,haven’tyouafeelingthatyou’reunderconstantsurveillance?JACQUESYesindeed!Inamostoffensivefashion.SURGETAlas!Theresponsibilityismine.Luberthaslostoneofhischaracters,andIadvisedhim

tocall in the famousMorcol.Whosuspectsusall.Why,only theotherday Iwashelpinga children’snursetocrosstheboulevardwithherperambulator…anheroicact,inviewoftheinfernaltraffic.Fliesandprivatecarriageswereirruptingfromallsides.Well,thechildren’snurse–washe!

JACQUESIknowexactlywhatyoumean!Iwas thinkingof installingrunningwater inmyflat.Aplumbercalled,andfloodedthewholeplace.Theplumber–washe!

JEANTheotherday,inarestaurant,aclumsywaiterspilttheharicotmuttonovermywaistcoat.Theharicotmutton–washe!Thatis…Imean…

JACQUESAh!–hereisLubert.HUBERTMessieurs…JEANMydearLubert,wewerejusttalkingaboutyou.JACQUESYes,wewere saying that yourdetectivewasbeginning to inconvenienceus rather too

much.HUBERTWhatdetective…SURGETYouknowverywell.HUBERTTraitor!Isthatthewayyoukeepasecret?SURGETOnesimplycan’tworkinpeaceanymore.

JACQUESWeconsiderthisespionageoffensive.JEANNottosaydisturbingandboring.SURGETAllthemoresoasI’dgivenyoumywordofhonour.JACQUESAndwecouldhavegivenyouours,too.JEANMostcertainly.SURGETSopleasetellyourdetective…JACQUES…tostop…JEAN…meddling…HUBERTMessieurs…your attackonme amounts to veritable aggression… I can see only one

answer…THETHREEOTHERSAduel?Agreed!HUBERTMessieurs,mysecondswillcalloneachandeveryoneofyou.Ishallrapieriseyouall!

Adieu!Exit.SURGETHereallyisinabadmood.JACQUESHowveryconvenient.Iwantedtohaveaduelinmynovel.Ishallbeabletotakenotes

andmodifytherealityofthedescription.JEANAren’tyoumodern!

Thepalliddawnwasshroudingwith itspearl-greymantles the trees in theBoisdeBoulogne andtheirdew.Fivefliesapproachingfromthefourquartersofthehorizoncausedsinisterreverberationsinthecobblestones,intheasphalt,andevenintheplainmud.Intheseflieswereseatedblack-garbedmenasgraveanantipyrinesachetsand,whentheabove-mentionedfliescametoahalt,themeninblackgotoutof them.Theywereseventeen innumber: fourduellists,eightseconds,onedoctorandfour journalists.Nowtheyaretossingacoin,eventhoughtheyhavenomoneytolose,nortimetowaste.Thereasontheyaredoingthisistodecideonthefirstduel.Foriftherearefourduellists,therearetobethreeduels,andnot twoasmight legitimatelybesupposed.Oneof thesegentlemenis infact tofight the threeothers insuccession. This has never been known since Richelieu’s day, which explains the presence of thejournalists.HubertistofightJeanfirst.Apalesunbeamattemptstopiercetheclouds;itdoesn’tsucceed.Hubert,themoreskilful,scratchesJean,whoconsidersthatthishurts,butdoesn’tsaytoomuchaboutit.Theygoontothesecondduel,Jacquesisatthereceivingendofalunge,afinethrustinthestomach,thedoctorhastilysewshimup,hopingthere’sbettertocome.TheyaskHubertifhe’stired.Notatall.Thejournaliststakeduenoteofthisfact.It’sSurget’sturntocomeandcrossswordsnow,buthisadversaryismadeofsteel,andSurgetbitesthegrassbecausehefindsthethrusthe’sjustreceivedsopainful.Heiscarriedoff,too.Thejournalistsmaketheirwaybacktotheirgazettes.Hubertgoeshome.Thesunfinallymanagestorapierisethecloudsthatwereobnubilatingit.Theadversarieshavenotbeenreconciled.

LN’sprolongedabsencewasworryingIcarus.Sohewentbacktoabsinthe,butnottotheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavern.Hechoseothers,andadifferentoneeachday.Healsoreadthegazettesthere,eventhoughforthemostparttheirstoriesremainedamysterytohim.

At theThree StorksTavern he asks forLeGaulois,which is brought to him attached in a bit ofwood,asifitwereaflag.

Hewavesit,andthenonthefrontpagereadsFOURLITERARYMUSKETEERSFIGHTADUELOVERAQUESTIONOFTECHNIQUE.Thatwastheheadline.Therewerenodetailsabouttheaforesaidquestionof technique,andthis intriguedIcarus to thehighestdegree;on theotherhandhewasnolittleproudtolearnthathisoriginatorhadsosuccessfullycrossedswordswiththethreeothers.

ICARUS(fullofenthusiasm)Whataman!Whatablade!Evenso,heissurprisednottofindanythingabouthimself.NotawordaboutIcarus.Sometalkabout

technique,butallveryvague.Thesegentlemenarequarrellingoveratechnicalquestion,right,butwhatquestion,thatremainsvague,thatremainsveryvague.

ICARUS(toIcarus)I’malittledisappointed.Disappointed not to see his name in the paper?Already?And yet he doesn’t feel any particular

reverenceforthegazettes.Thisisafeelingthatwormsitswayintoyoustealthilyandsurreptitiously;youcastavague,averyvague,eyeoverthegazettes,andthenonefinedaythereyouarewantingtoseeyournameinthem,wantingtoseeyournameinprint.Temptation.

Well, no: it isn’t that – that isn’t what makes Icarus say: I’m disappointed. He’s disappointedbecauseHuberthasn’tmentionedhim.What!Couldhehaveforgottenhim?Already!It’sobviousthathe,Icarus,isthecauseofthetriel,butHubertmighthavesaidso.

Perhapsit’satrick.Perhapshe(Hubert)doesn’twanthim(Icarus)toknowthathe(Hubert)istryingtofindhim(Icarus).Perhapsitwaseventhatfellowtheotherdaywhoadvisedhimnotto.Certainly.Andthetechnicalquestion–ishimself.

Andso,saysIcarustohimself,behindthetechnicalquestionthereisalivingcharacter:himself.Thetechnicalquestionisamask,adecoy,todupethepublicandthejournalists,andtodeceivehim(Icarus).ButIcarusisnotdeceived.

Icarussuddenlyfeelslikeseeingthevenueofthetriel,inotherwordstheBoisdeBoulogne,inshort,tocommitanimprudentact.Insteadofstudyingthemechanicsofsolidbodies,hereheismakinghiswaytowardstheWest,accordingtothesun,whichmightwellhaveledhimtoLevallois-Perret,butfortunatelyhe sees a policeman and asks him theway.You’d better take an omnibus, the constable advises him.Icaruspreferstowalk.It’lltakeyouagoodhour,saystheconstable.

ICARUSThatdoesn’tmatter.Pleasetellmetheway.CONSTABLEAlaboriousandcomplicatedundertaking.Justkeepgoinginthatdirection(gesture).

Onethingleadingtoanother,you’llgetthereintheend.

Icarus is walking through the streets, beset by constant dangers. Carriages, coachmen and horsesseemtohaveenteredintoaconspiracytorunhimover,not tomentionhand-carts,mencarryingplanksandladders,diverswaggonsetcaeteraetcaetera.Heisalwayshavingtostandasidetotheright,tostandaside to the left, constantdanger (aswehavealready said).Menarepainting,menarewashingdownfaçades–moredangers.Icaruskeepsgoingandmakeslightofalltheseperils.Parisbecomesaninfernalcity,thenoiseoftheomnibuswheelsonthecobblestonesreverberatesintheearslikethetrumpetsofapenultimate Judgment. And the cries of the people, the cries of newspaper sellers, of glaziers, ofscavengers,offlorists,ofbeggars,ofthisoneandthatone,ohlala,whataracket.

Which subsides a littlewhen you get to the Place de L’Etoile.Another (and different) constableshowsIcarusthewaytothePorteMaillot.IcarussitsdownonabenchintheAvenuedelaGrande-Arméeandallofasudden,whatdoesheseegoingby?ahorselesscarriageinwhichareseatedtwobears.Itismoving,thiscarriage,itisevenmovingquitefast,back-firingandodoriferous,andthehorsesrearas itpasses,andthepedestrianseitheradmireitorfallintoapanic.

ICARUSWell,Ihaven’twastedmytimetoday,nowI’veseenthat.Hestartsonhiswayagain,healsoseesmenincapsmovingtheirshanksupanddownwhilesitting

astrideaframesupportedbytwowheels;theytooaremoving,they’reevenmovingquitefast,sometimesfasterthanthehorselesscarriages,forthereareseveraloftheminthisdistrictand,what’smore,therearetraders in these machines all along this Avenue de la Grande-Armée. All of which interests Icarusextremely.

Anautomobilecarriageisstandinginashed,amanismessingaboutwithitsinnards.Thisshedisagarage;thismanisamechanic.

Icarusgoesuptohim.ICARUSExcuseme,Monsieur:mayIspeaktoyou?MECHANICYoualreadyhave.ICARUSWhatyouhavethereisindeed,isitnot,acarriagethatmoveswithouthorses?MECHANIC Ay. That carriage moves without horses, and that’s why it’s called an automobile

carriage.ICARUSAndwhatmakesitmove?MECHANICTheFairyElectricity.ICARUSPleasebesogoodastogivemefurtherdetails.MECHANICYoungman,youarerighttotakeaninterestinthis,forThisisthefuture.Weshallsoon

beabletodriveat25milesanhour,aspeedwhichitwillbedifficulttoexceed.WeshallbeabletogotoLeHavreinfivehours,toMarseillesinaday.Icanimagine,inthefuture,therebeingterminalsalongtheroadsatwhichpeoplewillbeabletorechargetheiraccumulators.ForIaminfavourofElectricityandProgress.Don’ttalktomeaboutpetroleum.Justlookatthat.

Acarriagepasses,emittingagreatdealofnoiseandstinkinggases.MECHANICNo,don’ttalktomeaboutpetroleum,itmakesavilenoise,itstinks,itexplodes–no

customerwilleverputupwith that.And then, if thenumberofautomobilecarriageswere to increase,therewouldn’tbeenoughpetroleumintheworld,youcantakeitfromme.

ICARUSAllthisseemsworthyofattention.

MECHANICNo,believeme,theelectriccarriageisthefuture.Wouldyouliketocomefora ridewithme?I’verepairedthatcontrarylittlething,thatlittlecontraption,andnowthingsaregoingtohum.You’llseehowstunningitis.

Icarusgetsin,thecarriagedoesmorethan22m.p.h.ICARUSItfeelsasifweweregoingtotakewing!MECHANICYoungman, if you’re so interested, comeandwork in this branchof industry– you

couldearnsomemoney.ICARUSThankyouforyouradvice,Monsieur.MECHANICUnlessyou’dliketobuyanautomobile,ofcourse.ICARUSIdon’tthinkIhavethemeans.MECHANICBuyyourselfaVelocipede,then.Hangit–bemodern!ICARUSI’llthinkaboutit,Monsieur.I’llthinkaboutit.Manythanks.HedisappearsinthedirectionoftheBoisdeBoulogne.ICARUSThattechnicalquestiontormentsme.Wasitagenuinetechnicalquestion,orwasit really

thequestionofmyexistence?ByagenuinetechnicalquestionImean,forexample,thedivisionofanovelintobooksandchapters,theplacingofdescriptions,thechoiceoffirstnamesandpatronymics,theuseofdashesor inverted commas to indicate dialogue, or small caps for the names of the protagonists as inprintedplaysortheworksoftheCountessdeSégur.Goodness,that’sabirdsinging.

DOCTORWell,myfriend,howisourpooratrophiedhealth?SURGETI’mdoingmybest.DOCTOR Let’s have a little look at that wound (he looks). Pah – just a trifle. I’ll take out the

surgicalstitches,andyourscarwillbemagnificent.Bringmemyscissors.Hisscissorsarebroughtandhecutsoutthesurgicalstitches.DOCTORAndnowyoucangobacktoyourwork.SURGETInotherwords:sendmynoveltocertainselectedcritics.DOCTORThat’ssomethingourpoorfriendHubertisn’tinapositiontodo.SURGETPoorfriend,indeed!You’reforgettingthatherippedmeopen.DOCTORYes,butyou’republishingyournovel,andhecan’tpublishhis.Justthink!Whatifithad

happenedtoyou,eh?–whatifoneofyourcharactersweretodisappear…SURGETDoctor,asthesayinggoes:neultracrepidam!Thisisnolongermedicine!DOCTOROhyesitis:it’smentalmedicine,andnothingisforeigntomentalmedicine.SURGETThenperhapsI’mmad:I’vejuststartedanewnovel,andIaminordinatelypleasedwith

myhero.DOCTORDon’tmakehimtheflightytype.SURGETI’lltakecarenotto.

DOCTORWell,isourstomachhealing?JACQUESMarvellously.Look.DOCTORAlovelyscar.You’reasgoodasnew.JACQUESCan’tyouseeanythingspecialaboutmyscar?DOCTORLuckilyforyou–notathing.JACQUESWouldn’tyousayitwasrathermauve?DOCTORMauve,mauve.Soit is. It issomewhatasyoudescribe it…somewhatmauve.Whata

sensitiveappreciationofcoloursyouhave!Youhaveapainter’seye!JACQUES The eye of the descriptive prose-writer. I’m the descriptive type. Description for

description’ssake.IfIhadto,Icoulddowithoutcharacters.DOCTORYouaren’tlikeourpoorfriendHubert.JACQUESPoorfriendindeed!Thatclumsyswashbucklerwhoaccidentlyrippedmeopen.DOCTORJustthinkifithadhappenedtoyou,acharacterrunningaway.JACQUESIshouldn’thaveminded.There’sonlyonethingthatmatterstome:thecolourmauve.

XXVIII

DOCTORWell,how’sourscratch?JEANScratchindeed!Funny,aren’tyou.Itstillhurts.DOCTORComparedwithJacquesandSurget,you’venocauseforcomplaint.JEANAlwaystheoptimist.DOCTORAndif,likeourpoorfriendHubert…JEANHubert!HeboresustodeathwithhisIcarus.Theidea!–suspectingus!Hiringadetectiveto

followus!Challengingustoaduel!Inwhichwegetwounded,what’smore.There’snojustice!DOCTORNoneofthisissoveryterriblewhenyoucompareitwithlosingacharacter.Justthink–

whatifthathadhappenedtoyou?JEANThereareasgoodcharactersinthepoolasevercameoutofit!Inanycase,Ihaveafilefull

ofcharacters,hundredsofthem,onthestrengthofwhichIcangoonproducingworksbasedentirelyonadulteryandonultramodernfin-de-sièclesentimentswhichmaywellsoonbeoutofdate,butwhichatthemomentareextremelylucrative.

DOCTORWhatareyoucomplainingabout,then?JEANMyphysicalscratch.

IcaruswenttotheAvenuedelaGrande-Arméeeveryday,now.Havingfirstbecomeaconnoisseurof cycles, and then of electric or petroliphagous automobile carriages, when he conversed with themechanics there it was with a certain competence – an illusory competence but one which hadneverthelessresulted,even,inanofferofwork.Forthemomenthehadnothingtoworryaboutfromthematerialpointofview,soherefusedwithoutactuallysayingno.Hewouldoccasionallytakeadvantageoftheofferofaridefromawell-intentionedorboastfulgarage-proprietor,andtheywouldgotwoorthreehundredyardsinthechuff-chuff.TherewereeventimeswhenIcarustookthewheel.

AtothertimeshewenttotheBoisdeBoulogne.Helaydownonthegrass,listenedtothelittlebirdssingingandwatchedtheelegantcarriagespassingby.

Oneday,whenhewaswalkingquietlyalonganavenue,ahorsesuddenlybolted.Hejumpedforitsheadandstoppedit.

MmeDECHAMPVAUXOh!whatahandsomeyoungman!Suchcourage!Howexciting!Monsieur–comeandsitbesideme,I’lldriveyoutoachemist’sandwe’llgethimtoputsomearnicaonyourbruises.

ICARUSThankyou,Madame,I’dlikesomearnica.Atthechemist’s.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWell,youngman,areyoufeelingbetternow?ICARUSYes,Madame.CHEMISTThat’llbefiftycentimes.ICARUSThat’sexpensive.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndwhat’smore,he’spoor!Handsomeandpoor!Here,chemist,hereare

yourfiftycentimes.Theygoout.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWhatdoyoudoinlife,youngman?ICARUSNothing,Madame.MmeDECHAMPVAUXIdle!Handsome,poorandidle!Asinafashionablenovel!ABohemian,ifI

understandaright.Whatamarvellousday!MmedeChampvauxclimbsbackintoherlandau.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndwemustpartsosoon!ButIhopeweshallseeeachotheragain.ICARUSYes,Madame.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWheredoyoulive?ICARUSIhavenofixedaddress.MmeDECHAMPVAUXHe’swonderful.ICARUSMadame,don’tlet’sexaggerate.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAnd…yourname?ICARUSIcarus,Madame.Mme DE CHAMPVAUX And he’s called Icarus! (dumbfounded). Icarus?Really Icarus?(pulling

herselftogether).Andmyname,Monsieur,isMadamedePrébeuf.

ICARUSHowdoyoudo,Madame.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWouldyouallowme to thankyou foryourheroic actby invitingyou to

comeandtakeafingerofportwinewithme?Myhusbandwillpouritforyouhimself.ICARUSIt’stempting,naturally.MmeDECHAMPVAUXTomorrow!Iinsist.Wherecanmycoachmancallforyou?ICARUSEr…um…MmeDECHAMPVAUXYoucertainlywon’trefusealittlefingerofportwine.Where,then?ICARUSWell,er…attheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavernatabsinthetime…MmeDECHAMPVAUXHandsomelyspoken,handsomeIcarus.Mylandauwillbethere.Shedeparts:sodoesherlandau.ICARUSPerhapsIoughttobemoreonmyguard.

Atthedoctor’s.DOCTORWell,mydearfriend?HUBERTI’mmuchbetter.DOCTORMylittleremedy?HUBERTNotatall!No–mytriel,first,andthenMorcol.Theformergotridofmybadmood,and

thelatterisonIcarus’strackandhaspracticallyfoundhim.AssoonasIgethimbackIcangoonwithmynovel.

DOCTORHemayhavechanged.HUBERTWhyshouldhehavechanged?You’retryingtodemoraliseme,doctor.DOCTORWehave tosee lifeas it is.Yes,supposinghe’schanged!Youmusthaveconfidence in

yourself,butnottoomuchinhim.Andtohaveconfidenceinyourself,youmustgoondrinkingtheherbtea.

HUBERTYoumakemefeelterrible!DOCTORYoumustn’tcountyourchickens…HUBERTYou’remakingmeseeeverythinginablackerandblackerlight.DOCTORHerbtea!Herbtea!that’stheonlyremedy,apartfrombicarbonateandmynewmethod.HUBERTYoustillhaven’tquitedeprivedmeofallhope.DOCTORYou’rebeyondtreatment.Hubertgoeshomeanddrinksacupofherbteaallthesame.Heabsent-mindedlyturnsovertheblank

pagesofhisnextnovel.HUBERTWhenIcaruscomesbackIshallorienthiminthedirectionofdecadentpoetry,sothathe

really belongs to his time, and I shall give him a professor of irregular prosody and free-versery,M.Maîtretout,whomI’veinventedtheselastfewdays.M.Maîtretout,hasadaughterAdelaide,arealpearl,with fairy fingers.She falls, that’scertain, in lovewith thepupil. I can seeamarriage loomingon thehorizon.Thispurepersonwillserveasacounterbalancetothefin-de-sièclecharacteristicswithwhichIintend to imbue Icarus.And in any case, I shan’t have long towait until all this happens.Morcol haspromisedtobringhimbackwithinthenexttwenty-fourhours.Idon’tthinkhe’sspoofing.Hedidmakeamistakeoncebutonceisbynomeansalways,andIthinkhe’sconscientious.ObviouslyIcaruswillhaveseenthegreatwideworldduringhisflightandhemaywellhavechanged,asDr.Lajoiesaid.Inwhichcasewe’llthinkagain.Inthemeantime,let’sliveonhopeandherbtea.

TheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavern.EnterIcarus.WAITERAghost!ICARUSAnabsinthe!WAITERAndhowisMademoiselleLN?ICARUSLU-sive.WAITERAh,MonsieurIcarus,we’vemissedyou,andI’llbringyouyourdrinkwithallcelerity.Heactuallydoesso.Icarusstudiesagazette.WAITER Monsieur Icarus, pardon me for disturbing you in your insipid reading, but there’s a

coachmanwaitingforyou.Hesaysyouknowallaboutit.ICARUSIdo.I’moff,then!Hepays,standsupandgoesout.COACHMAN(inafalsettovoice)Getin,myprince.Aladyawaitsyou.ICARUSIknow.Hegetsin.COACHMANGiddy-up,Cocotte!(tothecoachman).We’vegothim.ICARUSSoI’monmywaytoseeasocietyladyanddrinkafingerofportwine.Onsecondthoughts,

it’sextremelyrisky.IwaslivinginconcealmentandIallowedmyselftobepersuadedtoleavemyretreat.Andinanycase,Idon’tlovethelady,itisn’toutoflovethatI’mgoingtoseeher,thatwouldn’tbefairtoLN,I’mgoingoutofpurecuriosity,IthinkI’mdefinitelymakingamistake,abigmistake.

Coachman,stop!(Thecoachmanaccelerates).Yesbut,heisn’tslowingdown.Coachman,stop!(Thecoachmankeepsonaccelerating,thehorsestrikessparkswithallfourshoes).Whatadevilish

pace!Icouldn’tevenjumpoutatthisspeed!Andanyway,where’shegoing?Whatdistrictishemakingfor?ButwhatdoIsee?Isn’tthisthestreetM.Lubertlivesin?Andthere’shishouse,andthere’shisdoor.Driveon,coachman!Driveon!Thebeast,heisn’t,he’sstopping.

Icarusjumpsdownonthepavementandtakeswing.Morcol,whohadbeenhangingonbehindthefly,jumpsoffatthesametimeasIcarusandgrabsholdofhim.Thecoachman,whohasclimbeddownfromhis seat, gives him a helping hand. When he sees that the coachman is none other than Mme deChampvaux,Icarusgivesupallresistance.

ICARUS(dejected).WhataninnocentIwas,Ineverknewthatawomancouldbesuchatraitress!MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndheinsultsme,thescoundrel!MORCOLComeon,Monsieur,comeonup.M.Lubert’swaitingforyou.Icarushangshishead,asignofresignation.

MORCOL(toMmedeChampvaux)Thankyou,Madame.M.deChampvauxwillneverknowofhismisfortune.

MmeDECHAMPVAUXMonsieur,youareagentleman.MORCOLLet’sgoupandputIcarusbackbetweenM.Lubert’spages.

AttheClub.JEANMydearfellow,everythingisgoingverywellforme.Howaboutyou?JACQUESNolesswell.Thankstotheduel,I’vebeenabletoperfectthatofChamissac-Piéplu.As

I’dgivenyoutounderstand,theexperienceenabledmetodescribeitinawaythathasnothingincommonwithreality.

JEANWon’tthereaderbeputoffbythelackofverisimilitude?JACQUESIt’spossible.What’sthattome?Ishallbereadinhalfacentury’stime.Byposterity.JEANHm!Doyouthinkpeoplewillstillbeinterestedinadulteryandduelsthen?Timeschange.JACQUESNottothatpoint.JEANPersonally,asI’mincapableofforeseeingthefutureI’mquitehappywithmycontemporaries.

Iknowthem,andIhopetheywillrecogniseme.SURGET(insurgent)Myfriends!Howareyou?JEANExtremelywell–andyou?SURGETIngreatfettle.DoctorLajoieisunique.JEANBecauseof that triel thegazettes are alwaysmentioningournames, butyoubenefit from it

moreparticularly,asyournovelhasjustcomeout.SURGET I’m not complaining. The bookshops are simply shovelling them out, andmy publisher

wantsmetogetanewoneunderway.JEANWhichyouhavedone,nodoubt.SURGETExactly.Anditwillbedynamite,tocoinanexpression.JACQUESMayoneknow?SURGETInmynextwork,thepeaceableCorentinDurendalwillperpetrateanabominablecrime.HUBERTMessieurs!THEOTHERSMonsieur.HUBERTLet’smakeitup,shallwe?Ididrapieriseyou,butIadmitthatmysuspicionsofyouwere

unjustified.MyIcarushasbeenfound.THEOTHERSReally?HUBERTYesindeed!Mydetectivebroughthimbacktome,boundhandandfoot,andIstartedwork

againimmediately.Let’smakeitup,shallwe?THEOTHERSConsideritdone!Wearereconciled.HUBERTChampagne!Theydrinkabottleofchampagne,whichmakesagrittysoundundertheirteeth.

XXXIII

Hubert wasworking; in his study, decoratedwith Cordoba leather and dusky velvets, protectivechair-rails, elaborate wainscotting and pictures with wide frames, though they were sometimes onlyminiatures,hewasaligning linesupon lineswhichwere causing Icarus’s fate toproceed indirectionsknownonlytohimself.IcaruswassupposednevertohavemeteitherLNorMmedeChampvauxandheseemedtohaveforgottentheknowledgehehadneverhadeitherofstaticsorkinematics.Hehad,on theotherhand,hadseveralinnocentconversationswithAdelaide,thedaughterofhisprofessorofsymbolistrhetoric,M.Maîtretout.Muchagainsthiswill,however.Hubertcouldn’tstophimthinkingaboutLN,buteachtimethishappenedhemadeabigblotonthepaper.

Thehousekeeper-cookannouncedthatluncheonwasserved.ShewascalledEurtrude,ararebutnotexceptional Christian name.Hubert carefully put away the pages he hadwritten in amorocco-leatherportfoliowithalock,andcarefullyputthekeyintheleft-handpocketofhissmoking-jacket.

Helunched.Heevenlunchedwell,forEurtrudewaswhatonefamiliarlycallsacordonbleu.ThenhedrankaSurat-mocha,whilesippingachartreuseandcombustingthecylinderofahighly-pricedcigar.The pleasure of all these things and the satisfaction ofworkwell donewas even tempting him into apleasurablesomnolencewhenaringatthebellcausedEurtrudetowalkinthedirectionofthefrontdoor.Evenhestarted.

EnterEurtrude,greatlyexcited.EURTRUDEMonsieur,it’sthegendarmes.HUBERTHowveryextraordinary.Whatdotheywantwithme?EURTRUDEIdon’tknow,Monsieur,I’mallofatizzy.HUBERTIshallreceivethem.Headoptsadignifiedattitude.‘Showthemin,’sayshe.Enterthegendarmes.HUBERTMessieurs.GENDARMES(standingtoattentionandsalutinghim).Monsieur.HUBERT(cordially)TowhatdoIowethishonour?FIRSTGENDARMEDoesamannameofIcaruslivehere?HUBERTEr…yes…FIRSTGENDARMEHehasn’tappearedbeforetheRecruitingBoard.Heisthereforeconsideredto

be a deserter andwe’ve come tomarch him off to theReuilly barracks,where he’ll be taken on thestrength and brought to trial, before being sent to do his military service – in the African Battalion,perhaps.

HUBERTHowawful!SECONDGENDARMEHerearehisjoininginstructions.He’stocomewithusatonce.HUBERTMessieurs…Iacceptsoleresponsibility…I’dneverthoughtabouthismilitaryservice

…and then,aRecruitingBoardscene in thenovel Iamengagedonwouldseemextremelyvulgarand

naturalistic.FIRSTGENDARMEIt’snotaquestionofanovel,butofreality.SECONDGENDARMEAndthere’snogettingawayfromthat.HUBERTCouldn’tthematterrestinabeyanceforadayortwo…FIRSTGENDARMEAthousandregrets.Thelaw’sthelaw.HUBERT(overwhelmed).I’llgoandgethimforyou.

Hegoesintohisstudy,openshismorocco-boundfile,andcomesbackwithIcarus.HUBERTIcarus,mydearfellow,Ihadforgottentotellyouthatyouareofanagetodoyourmilitary

service,andthesegentlemenhavecometofetchyou.Youmustleaveatonce.ICARUSYou see,Monsieur, it didn’t do you any good to bringme back here by force. I’m free

again,now.FIRSTGENDARMEFree,that’sjustamannerofspeaking,becauseyou’vegottocomewithus.ICARUSAndwhereto,Monsieur?SECOND GENDARME To the Reuilly barracks, where they’ll consider your case, after which

you’lldoyourtime.ICARUSWhattime?FIRSTGENDARMEYourmilitaryservicetime.ICARUSAndhowlongwillthatbe?SECONDGENDARMEThreeyears.HUBERTSoitis!Threeyears!ShallIhavetowaitthreeyearstofinishmybook.?FIRSTGENDARMEMonsieur,thatisnoneofourbusiness.(ToIcarus),Comewithus.ICARUSIshallbeonlytoopleasedtocomewithyou.(ToHubert).Ihavenothingagainstyou,but

I’mgoingtorawalk.Theygoout.HUBERTWhataprofession!Whataprofession!

AtSurget’s.Thegendarmestakeofftheirbigfalsemoustaches.ICARUSWereyouindisguise,then?JACQUESIamnotparticularlyfondofthatexpression,butinfact,yes:wewereindisguise.JEANWhatanadventure!butwe’vegothim.SURGET(toIcarus).Makeyourselfathome.Sitdown.We’regoingtoaskyouafewquestions.JACQUESAreyougoingtobetheinterrogator?SURGETIfyouhavenoobjection.ICARUSMayIaskyou,gentlemen,whoyouare,andwhatyouwantofme?SURGETYoucan’taskquestionsandbequestionedatthesametime.JACQUESBeinterrogatedwouldbemoreaccurate.JEANLet’snotsquabble.SURGETYournameisIcarus,isitnot?ICARUSYes,butthatdoesn’ttellmewhoyouare.SURGETWearefriends.Havewenotdeliveredyoufromyourmasterandtyrant?ICARUSIdidn’taskyouforanything.JACQUESThat’strue.JEANWe’restraying.SURGETYou’retwenty,areyou?ICARUSAndIwon’thavetodomymilitaryservice?JACQUESNotunlesssomerealgendarmesappear…SURGETLet’snotjest.(ToIcarus)Makeyourselfcomfortable.Here,haveapartagas.Wouldyou

likeafingerofportwine?ICARUSWithpleasure.SURGETHereyouare.JACQUESButwhydon’twelethimspeak?JEANJusttosee.ICARUSIreallywouldliketoknow,gentlemen,whoyouare.JACQUESThat’sofnoimportance.ICARUSWhat’sgoingtobecomeofme?JEANThatdependsonwhatyoutellus.SURGETNaturally,I’mnotgoingtointerrogateyou,butyou’regoingtotellus…ICARUSWhat?SURGETAnything.ICARUSButbeforethat,gentlemen,mayInotknowwhoyouare?JACQUESWhatanobstinatefellow.JEANHe’sgivingusquitesometrouble.

SURGETWasitsuchagoodidea?Iwonder.Andmyscratchisbeginningtoitchagain.JACQUESMinetoo–itstartsitchingeverysooften.JEANYou’refineonestotalk.SURGETAreyourscarsbeautiful?JEANTheycallmineatrifle.JACQUESMine–Iconsidermauve.ICARUS I’m justbeginning tounderstand–youmust forgiveme forbeing so slow–youare the

threemusketeerswithwhomM.LubertcrossedswordsintheBoisdeBoulogne?JACQUESSoyoureadthegazettes?ICARUSNowandthen.Bytheway,couldIpleasegoanddopipi?SURGETMostcertainly;IevenhavearealEnglishwatercloset.(HeshowsIcarustothew.c.andcomesback).Well,whatdoyouthink?JACQUESI think the jokehasgoneon longenough.Andanyway, there’snoquestionofmyusing

him.Notmauveenough.JEANToonaiveforme.SURGETIadmitIdon’tunderstandhimverywell.JACQUESLet’stakehimbacktohisplaceoforigin,then.JEANLubertmustbefoamingatthemouth.He’llmakeuphismindtogototheReuillybarracks,and

hewon’tfindanyone.JACQUESWemustgivehimbackbefore.SURGETIt’lljusthavebeenaninnocentlittlepracticaljoke,that’sall.JACQUESIsay,hetakeshistimepissing,ourIcarus.JEANYoudon’tthink…SURGETThere’sonlyanarrowfanlightthatgivesontoalittlecourtyard…JACQUESEvenso.I’mbeginningtogetworried.Yououghttogoandsee.SURGETIt’sratherembarrassing…JEANOh,goon!Surgetgoeson.Comesback.SURGETIknocked.Hedoesn’tanswer.JEANPerhapshe’sfainted.Emotions.SURGETIt’slocked,we’llhavetosendforalocksmith.Hesendsforalocksmith.Thew.c.doorisopened.Noone.JEANWe’reinafinemessnow.JACQUESDisagreeablesurprise.JEANThistime,Hubertwillkillus.JACQUESIfhediscoversthatitwaswe…SURGETIcanseeonlyonesolution.

THEOTHERSWhat?SURGETMorcol!

ICARUSWhatamIafraidof?HowcanIhide?Whatwillbecomeofme?EverythingisurgingmetowardstheAvenuedelaGrande-Armée,whereIcoulddevelopmytastefor thesportsofcyclingandautomobilism. Those devilish bikes, those chuff-chuffing meteors, are leading my soul on towardsProgress. A fig for the neurasthenias, the neuroses and the nostalgias of our contemporary writers!Forward into the future!What didM. Lubert want ofme?Did he wantme to drag out amelancholyexistence, strewn with dismal or disappointing love-affairs, with sessions in cosy, dusty apartmentswhere,bitingmynails, I shouldhavemeditatedonmysoulwhich, ifhe’ddared,wouldhavebeenaninfanta in full regalia? I might perhaps have fought duels, but I should have been more likely to gowanderingalongbyItalianlakesintheshadeofchloroticcypresses.Whereaspersonally,I’mmuchmoreinterestedintheoreticalmechanics,fromthefallofheavybodiestothemechanismofalock.WhatshallIdo?Yes,everythingattractsmetotheAvenuedelaGrande-Armée,hardbytheBoisdeBoulogne,whereIgot trappedby that tricky lady and that artful detective. It’s true thatM.Lubertmust think I’m at theReuillybarracks.Havethosefellowsadmittedtotheirtheftandmynewflight?I’venoidea,butnoonewillthinkI’msostupidastoreturntothedistrictwhereIgotcaught.Let’sgobackthere,then,andImightevenfindworkthere,becauseLN’sspondulicswillsoonbeexhausted,onaccountofher longabsencewhichgrievesmesorely.

HesetsoffinthedirectionoftheAvenuedelaGrand-Armée.Amechanicwasfiddlingwiththeengineofanautomobile.Icaruswentuptohim.‘Haveyougotajobforme,byanychance?’heaskedhim.‘Doyouknowthetrade?’‘Icanlearn.I’veoftenwatchedthesemachinesgoingby’.‘Canyourideabicycle?’‘No,Monsieur.Nooneevertaughtme.’‘Well!Startwiththebicycle,andthenyoucancomeandseemeabouttheautomobile.’‘But,Monsieur,howcouldIlearntorideabicycle?’‘There’saschoolatthecorneroftherueBelidor.’‘Doyouhavetopay?’‘Ofcourse.’‘Ishan’thaveanymoneyleftifIspenditthere.’That’sforyoutodecide.’Icarusdecides.Helearnstorideabicycle.

Hubert was smoking a partagas and thinking of ways andmeans to continue his novel: hemightperhapsdevoteafewextrapagestoMaîtretoutandhisdaughterAdelaide,butafterthathewasn’tgoingtotwiddlehisthumbsforthenextthreeyears.Hewascontemplatingsomeothersolution,then,whenthedoorbellrang.Ahyes–hewasexpectingMmedeChampvauxfortheadulteroushour.Hegoestoopenthedoor.Acoachmanissilhouettedinthedoorway.

COACHMANWell,guv,whatwouldyousaytoafewlashesofthewhip?HUBERTOhno,darling,believeme: I’mreallynot the leastbit interested in thewhip. I’mnota

sadist.COACHMAN(correctinghim).Amasochist.HUBERTWearen’tgoingtosquabbleoveraquestionofsignifies!Comein!Thecoachmancomesinandcrackshiswhip.Hetakesoffhishat,andofcourseit’snoneotherthan

MmedeChampvaux.MmeDECHAMPVAUXDoyoustilllikemedressingupasajehu?HUBERTBelieveme,you’reimaginingthings.JustbecauseIonce–MmeDECHAMPVAUXYes,butitdidreviveyourardour.HUBERTListen,Ijustdon’tknowwhatyououghttobedressedupastoday.I’vegotthingsonmy

mindagain.MmeDECHAMPVAUXYoumeanI’mcastingmypearlsbeforeswine?HUBERTI’mafraidso,mylove.Justthink–Icarushasbeentakenawaybythegendarmes.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWhatfor?HUBERTHismilitaryservice.Ithadnevercrossedmymind.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAndhowlongwillthiscomedylast?HUBERTThreeyears.MmeDECHAMPVAUXYoumeanyou’llbeinthisstateforthreeyears?HUBERTPerhapslonger,ifhehastodoextratime.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWell–whenthingsbegintolookup,youcanletmeknow.Fatlotofuseit

wasmeputtingonmybootsandInvernesscape.Exit,crackingherwhip.Hubertabsent-mindedlysipsafingerofportwine.HUBERT(suddenly,strikinghisforehead).Whydon’tIquitesimplygototheReuillybarracks?

XXXVII

SURGET(totheothertwo).Noneedforyoutocomeupwithme–I’lltakechargeofeverything.Seeyoutonight,myfriends.

Surget stops at the door: the name is inscribed on an enamelled plate. A venomously nauseatingcorridorleadstoasimilartypeofstaircase.

Surgetpullsacord.Abellrings.MORCOLMonsieur:Iamatyourdisposition.SURGETMineisaveryunusualcase.MORCOLAllcasesareunusual,Monsieur.SURGETAndmine,particularlyso.MORCOLDelightedtohearit.SURGETThiscaseisallthemoreunusualinthatyouhavealreadydealtwithit.MORCOLPff!SURGETI’vecomeaboutIcarus.MORCOLYouaren’tM.Lubert.SURGETObviouslynot.MynameisSurget.Justthink,I’dpinchedIcarusfromhim–MORCOLAfterItookhimback?Well–obviously.SURGETTwoofmyfriendsandI,wekidnappedhim.Why?–itwouldbecomplicatedtotellyou

why.Inshort,wekidnappedhim.Butnosoonerhadwekidnappedhimthanhetookwing.Wewouldverymuchliketofindhim,togivehimbacktoLubert.Wethoughtofyou–youdidsowellthefirsttime.Whynotthesecond?

MORCOLWhynot?ButIshallchargeyoumore.SURGETDividedbythree,itstillwon’tcometoverymuch.Sogotoit!Withallyourstrength.I’ll

giveyouthenecessarydetails.

XXXVIII

AtHubert’s,duringhisabsence.MAITRETOUTYoumustn’tcry like that.Theboy’sdoinghismilitaryservice.EveryFrenchman.

It’shisduty.Obviouslyadutyisaduty,but,well,militaryservicehasitsgoodpoints,yougetabreathoffreshair,youtakesomeexercise,youmakefriends,youmightevengetpromotion.

ADELAIDE (sniffing). Even so, it was very unexpected.Who could have expected it? EvenM.Lubert himself didn’t expect it. He was going to marry us in a month. If he’d foreseen this militaryservice,hewouldn’thavearrangedforustobemarriedinamonth.

MAITRETOUTM.Lubertknowsmoreaboutthesethingsthanwedo.ADELAIDEOh,butofcourse!MAITRETOUTComecome,mychild,cheerup,andhaveconfidenceinM.Lubert.ADELAIDEHe’sbrokenmyheart.Threeyearsisalongtime.Icaruswillforgetme:he’llpreferany

camp-followerorsoldier’sdoxytome.MAITRETOUTWhydoyouthinkhe’llbesofickle?ADELAIDEL’uomoèmobile…MAITRETOUTWhatdoyouknowaboutit,mypoorchild?–you’rebarelytwentypagesold.ADELAIDEButIhavethewisdomoftheheart,evenifIhaven’tanyexperience.MAITRETOUTWhilewe’rewaiting,justtopassthetime,let’shaveagameofbackgammon–even

thoughyoudoalwayswin.ADELAIDEBecauseI’munluckyinlove,mysweetPapa.

HUBERTOh,Doctor,I’vesufferedanewmisfortune.DOCTORIcarus?HUBERTWecan’tfindhim!I’velookedforhiminvainatReuilly.Unknownonthemuster-roll, if

that’swhatyoucallit.Nooneknowswhothosegendarmeswere.There’samystery,here,whoseheartcannotbepluckedout.Inshort,Icarushasdisappearedagain:it’senoughtomakeonequiteneurotic.

DOCTORThemomentyouhaveareason,it’snotcalledneuroticanymore.Andanyway,diagnosisisn’tyourbusiness,it’smine.

HUBERT And then, I’m lacking in ardour. Mme de Champvaux will insist on dressing up as acoachmantostimulatemyimagination,butpersonallyitdoesn’tamusemeatall,ohbutnotatall,ohdear,notatall.

DOCTORCalmdown.HUBERTEasytosay.DOCTORSupposingyouneverfindyourIcarus.HUBERTUnthinkable!Imustfindhim!Andanyway,I’vegotMorcolonthejobagain–DOCTORHemightnotmanageit,thistime.HUBERTNo,he’llpullitoffagain.DOCTORIfhedoesn’t,you’lljusthavetomakethebestofit.HUBERTI’mnotgoingtomakethebestofit.Thisnovelcan’tremainunfinished.DOCTORItwon’tbethefirst.HUBERTYoutalkaboutitverylightly.DOCTORWritesomethingelse,damnit!Youhavemorethanonestringtoyourbow.HUBERTForthemoment,it’sthisparticularoneIwanttoshootwith,andnoneother.DOCTORYou’reobstinate.Here–comeandliedownonthecouch.HUBERTWhatfor?Areyougoingtogivemeaninjection?DOCTORNo,no.Here.Justliedown.(Hubertreluctantlyliesdown).That’sit–good–Isitbehind

you,andyoutellmeeverythingthatcomesintoyourhead.HUBERTWhat’sthepoint?What’sthegoodofthat?DOCTORIt’sanewmethodofpsychotherapyforneuroses.HUBERTThemysteriousnewmethodthat’ssupersededbicarbonateofsoda?YouseemtothinkI’m

aguinea-pig.Aneuroticguinea-pig.DOCTORComeon:liedown.HUBERT(querulously).Whatd’youwantmetotellyou?Itellyoueverythingasitis.DOCTORWell,butnow,don’ttellmeanything,justtalk.Sayanything–nomatterhowtrivial.HUBERT(indignant).ButIneversayanythingtrivial. IknowwhatImeanandImeanwhatIsay.

Trivial,indeed!Doyouwantmetolowermystandards?DOCTORAdoptamiddlecourse.Tellmeadream.

HUBERTAdream–adream–that’sdifferent.I’mverymuchinfavourofdreams,thoughIneverusetheminmyliterarywork.

DOCTORLiedown,then,andtellmeone.HUBERT(suddenlyjumpingup).Nexttime.Nexttime.I’vegottogoandhaveadream,first.Andif

youthinkthat’ssoeasy…

MORCOL(sittingonabankoftheSeine,watchingthewaterflowby).I’minaCorneilliansituation.M.LuberthasonceagainengagedmetofindIcarus,amissionwith

whichM.Surgethasalsoentrustedme.IfIfindIcarus,towhomshallIreturnhim?Thisseemstobeaquestionofconscience,butinthemeantimeIhaveafoot,astheysay,inbothcamps.IwenttotheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavernwhichheusedtofrequentinthedayswhenI’dgothisnamewrong,buthehasn’tbeenbackthere,anymorethanhasthelittlegrisetteIsawhimwithattheCaféAnglais.Hehasn’tbeenseen at theCaféAnglais either, and I had enough trouble finding even that out.As a criminal alwaysreturnstothesceneofhiscrime,andeventhoughIcaruscannotbeconsidered,eveninthestrictestsense,tobeacriminal,IcanseenoothertrailthantheBoisdeBoulognewherehejumpedsocourageously,acouragethatwasperhapsunconscious,attheheadofMmedeChampvaux’shorses,ofwhichacttheladythen came to informme, andmake the bargainwhich enabledme to return the fugitive toM.Lubert’spages.Yes, theBoisdeBoulogneseemsindicatedformypreliminaryresearch,even though it is fairlyextensive,872hectares,ifIhavebeenaccuratelyinformed.

ICARUS(onhisbicycle.Heisdressedin theappropriatefashionforsuchasituationand,what’smore,he’swearinganautomobilist’scapandgoggles).

IfeelI’mbecomingapoetastrideonmybike–watchmegoit!I’msingingandwritingasongasIweaveinandoutofthethrong.Thoughclutchingmyhandlebarstight,seatonsaddle–IfeelI’minflight!Thepassers-bygetsoirate–butit’ssplendid,it’sgorgeous,it’sgreat!

Oh,sorryMonsieur.

Stillsingingherideson.MORCOL Clumsy oaf! I was in a very dangerous situation, there. I’m quite upset. I can’t even

rememberwhyI’mintheBoisdeBoulogne.Letmethink–Ahyes.Well,evenso,there’snotmuchpointintryingtorunafterhim.

Now that he could ride a bicycle and pump up a tyre, Icarus, as his nest-egg had vanished,wasengagedbyM.Berrrier,mechanic,automobilist,garage-ownerandrepairer.SoIcaruslearnttodriveanautomobile carriage. He went pop-popping down the Avenue de la Grande-Armée, it was delightful.Sincehehadbecomeanautodidacthewasearningmoney,andintheeveningshewoulddinealone,andveryrespectably,inanoutofthewayrestaurant;adifferentoneeveryevening.

M.BERRRIEREverythingallright,then?ICARUSYes,Monsieur.M.BERRRIERYouknow,yourwork’sverysatisfactory,butthere’sonethingthatworriesme–you

alwaysseemtobelookingoveryourshoulder.Youhaven’tgotacrimeonyourconscience,haveyou?ICARUSNo,Monsieur.M.BERRRIERAll thesame,youdoseemsuspicious. I’vebeenwatchingyou–youalways look

thiswayandthatbeforeyouputyournoseoutside.Areyouafraidofsomeone,orwhat?ICARUSI’mnotafraidofanything,MonsieurBerrrier.OnlyIsometimessaytomyself:ifthere’sa

bitofadraught–youneverknow–Imighttakewing.M.BERRRIER.Whatanidiotyouare,Icarus!

ADELAIDEMysweetPapa,I’vemadeupmymind:I’mgoingtolookforhim.MAITRETOUTWhatareyousaying?Whatareyougoingtodo?ADELAIDEGotohim!Findhim!MAITRETOUTYou?Apureyounggirl!Plungeintosuchanadventure!Overmydeadbody!ADELAIDEComewithmethen,Father!MAITRETOUTYouwantustoabandonthisabodewherewe’resoniceandwarm,thisnovelwhere

we’resowellnourished,andourkindM.Lubert?ADELAIDEOurkindM.Lubert!Toobadforhim.HeshouldhavetakenbettercareofIcarus.Let’s

runaway.MAITRETOUTWhatcanIsay?WhatcanIdo?Ican’tletyouwanderaloneinthisvastParis.ADELAIDE You see! Let’s fly! He hasn’t closed his manuscript; let’s take advantage of this

opportunity.MAITRETOUTItbreaksmyheart.LeavingpoorM.Lubertandhiswater-markedpaper!

SURGETWell,Morcol,yourenquirydoesn’tseemtobegettinganywhereandit’sbeginningtocostusalotofmoney.Aren’tyouonhistrail?

MORCOLTheBois deBoulogne.Everything leadsme back there.Reason, flair, intuition, not tomentionmymethodoffreeassociation–everythingsendsmeinthatdirection.UnfortunatelytheBoisdeBoulogneisvast;what’smore,it’sdangerous.Youkeepnearlygettingrunover.

SURGETWhatdoesthatmatter!Gobackthere!Sleepthere!Campthere!MORCOLHm,that’sallverywell,Monsieur,butI tellyou,withall thesenewvehicles, it’svery

dangerous.SURGETWe’llincreasethefee!Butgetonwithit!MORCOLI’llberiskingmylife.SURGETI’lldoubleyourfee.MORCOLAllright,then:afterall,there’sthecountryair.

MORCOLAsIsaidtoM.Surget,everythingleadsmebacktothiswoodwhererusticbirdsusedtosinginformerdays,butwhichisnowbecomingarace-courseforautomobilemonsters.

DEDION-BOUTON(chargingathim).Vrrrt!Vroom!Vrrrt!MORCOL(dodging).Himagain!He’sdefinitelyjustthrownhimselfintomyarms,asitwere!Not

withoutriskstomyperson,professionalrisks,you’llsay,quiteso,butthat’snotthepoint.AbirdsingsMORCOL(thoughtfully)Allthisneedssomeconsideration.

Icarus sat down on a bench andwatched the sparrows pulling at bits of grass and bickering.Hewasn’t thinking of anything when a solemn-looking gentleman in a top hat sat down beside him. Thegentlemantookabagoutofthepocketofhistail-coat,dugintoitandstartedthrowingseedtothelittlebirdswhogatheredroundforthefeast.Whenhe’semptiedhisbag,thegentlemanrollsitupinaballandputs itback inhispocket though thefeatheredfraternitydidnot immediatelydisperse,as they still hadsome hope of a supplementary ration. The gentleman then lights a modest cigar with all the usualprecautions,sendsseveralpuffsuptotheheavensand,turningtoIcarus,says:

‘Yousee,I’mrewardingmyself.Somethingforthelittlebirds,somethingformyself.’ICARUSYes,Monsieur.THEGENTLEMANAren’tyougoingtogivethelittlebirdsanything?ICARUSTheideahadn’toccurredtome;Ithoughttheymanagedbythemselves.Totellyouthetruth,

I’dneveractuallythoughtaboutitatall.THEGENTLEMANHaveyouthoughtaboutotherproblems?ICARUSTheproblemoftheautomobile,forinstance.I’minthetrade.Anewformofmotion…THEGENTLEMANYoumovewithyourtimes,Isee.ICARUSVeryfunny.THEGENTLEMANIdidn’tdoitonpurpose;butperhapsyouaresurprisedatmyspeakingtoyou?

PerhapsyouthinkI’mindiscreet?ICARUSFarfromme,suchathought.THEGENTLEMANOrdoyoutakemeforapaederast?ICARUSWhat’sapaederast?THEGENTLEMANSanctasimplicitas,let’sforgetit.Totellyouthetruth,ifIspoketoyouitwas

becauseIfeelyouareaconfrère…acolleague…ICARUSAreyouinterestedinautomobilecarriages,too?THEGENTLEMANInnoway.ICARUSIcanrideabicycle,aswell.THEGENTLEMANNono,it’snotthat.Iwastalkingaboutyourmodeofexistence.ICARUSIt’ssimple.THEGENTLEMANIsuspectyou…ICARUS(gettingup).You’remistaken!Herunsaway.Thegentlemanhasgotup,too,andherunsafterIcarus.Hesooncatcheshimup.Hegallopsalong,

sidebysidewithIcarus,whocan’toutrunhim.Asiftheywererunningonthespot.THEGENTLEMANDon’tbeafraid!Idon’twishyouanyharm.Theycontinuetorunonthespot.ThusIcarusfindshimselfonanidenticalbenchwiththegentlemanathisside.

THEGENTLEMANIknewit.You’resittingon thisbenchbecauseyou’re runningawayfromtheBench.

ICARUSThefactis…Howdidyouguess?THEGENTLEMANI’minthesamesituation.ICARUSIthoughtminewasunique.THEGENTLEMANPeoplealwaysthinkthat,butactuallywe’reneveralone.Itoo,Monsieur,Ileft

thewriterwhosetmedowninwriting,forthatisthesituationyouarein,isitnot?ICARUSYes,Monsieur.THEGENTLEMANIt’smine,too.ICARUSAndwhat’syourauthorcalled?THEGENTLEMANSurget.ICARUSIknowhim.He’safriendofmyauthor.Heplayedadirtytrickonhimandfilchedme,but

hedidn’tkeepmelong.THEGENTLEMANIdidn’tknow.ThatmusthavebeenbeforeIexisted.Suchasyouseemenow,

Monsieur,I’monlyabouttendaysold:yes,Monsieur,abouttendaysold.M.SurgetstartedmeabouttendaysagoandyoucanseehowoldIam.Hegavemequitearespectablepast.BorninRodezonthe18thofApril1855,IwenttotheLycéeinCahorswhereIdidwell,andthentotheLycéeinOrleans,whereIlostmymeridionalaccent.IgotasecondclasshonoursArtsdegree,afterwhichIstartedmycareerasadraftsmaninaMinistrywhereIperformedwondersbecauseinduetimeIbecamechiefclerk.Sofar,youwill say, there has been nothing particularly extraordinary, but the plot thickenedwhen I gotmarried.When Iwasmarried, rather, and Iwon’t spell out for youwhowas responsible formymarriage.Hemarried me to a horrible woman, a lustful shrew, a poisonous adulteress. She deceives me. Yes,Monsieur,shedeceivesme.Thisleavesmetotallyindifferent,buthere’swherethingsbegintogetnasty.M.Surgetwastryingtoincitemetocrime.Heleduptoitverygentlyandthenonefineday–if that’swhat you can call it – Iwas supposed tomake coldmeat of her – yes, that’s a pretty apt expressionbecause I was supposed to chop her up with a chopper, something pretty sordid. Hold hard! I said:Nothingdoing.Inthefirstplace,it’saprocedureIdisapproveof:youdon’tkillawomanevenifshedoesgetonyournerves;andthen,youneverknowwhereitmaylead.Ihavenowishtomountthescaffoldwithaviewtoseeingmyhead tumble into thebranbasket.So Ipackedupbagandbaggage,andhere Iamfeedingthesparrows,atasteforwhichIamindebtedtoM.Surget.

ICARUSHaveyoubeengonelong?THEGENTLEMANOnlysincethismorning.ICARUSWhatareyougoingtodo?THEGENTLEMANGobacktotheMinistry.ICARUSM.Surgetwillnabyouthere.THEGENTLEMANIhadn’tthoughtofthat.ICARUSNottospeakofMorcol,who’sboundtobeonyourtrail.THEGENTLEMANMorcol?ICARUSAdetectivewhospecialisesinshadowingpeople.He’safterme.Hecaughtmeonce,butI

gotaway.

THEGENTLEMANThenIoughtnottogobacktomyMinistry?ICARUSIwouldn’tadviseit.THEGENTLEMANThat’s all very fine,but…where am Igoing to live? to sleep? toget some

money?toeat?Ihadn’tthoughtofallthat.ICARUSIcangetyouajobatmygarage.Whatcanyoudo?THEGENTLEMANIcancook.I’madabhandatit,andM.Surgetneverevenknew.

MAITRETOUTMychild,I’mhungry!ADELAIDEMy sweet Papa, I’ve broken into my piggy-bank and I’ve brought the money in my

purse.We’llgotoarestaurantandyoucancheeryourselfupbyconsumingsomenourishingfood.MAITRETOUTIsn’titfoolhardytoeatthatmoney?ADELAIDENo,mysweetPapa.Thanks tomyfeminine intuitionand to the inspirationof love, it

won’tbelonguntilwefindIcarus,I’llmarryhim,becausenosoonersaidthandone,andwe’llgobacktolivewithM.Lubert,who’ssuretohaveasplendidfutureinstoreforme,andawiseoldageforyou,mysweetPapa.SowecanspendthemoneyI’vebroughtquiteshamelessly,eventhoughprudently.

MAITRETOUTI’mdyingofhunger,Ican’tbearitanylonger,I’mnotgettinganyyounger.Mychild–let’sfindatavernassoonaspossible.

ADELAIDE(firmly)No,mysweetPapa,wewon’tgotoatavern,buttoaDuvalRestaurant.TheygointoaDuvalRestaurant.Theyeatthere.Adelaidechecksthebillandpaysitinverysmall

smallchange,insous.MAITRETOUTWhatarewegoingtodonow,mychild–nowthatwe’rerefreshed?ADELAIDEWe’regoingtolookforIcarus,mysweetPapa!We’regoingtolookforIcarus.

XLVIII

HUBERTGoodevening,Eurtrude.Isthereanynews?EURTRUDENoneatall,mygoodmaster.HUBERTNoexpressletters?Novisitingcards?EURTRUDENeithernor.HUBERTWell then,Eurtrude,bringmea fingerofportwineandsomebiscuitswhich I shall eat

withaviewtocheeringmyselfup.Afterwhich,Ishalldoabitofwork.EurtrudeobeyedandHubertdidashehadsaid.Havingeatenafewbiscuitshesatdownathiswork

table.HUBERTYes,IshallcarryonwiththebookIstarted.True,Icarusismissing,butwhileI’mwaiting

forhimtocomebackIshallforcemyselftoreturntosomeoftheminorcharactersanddevotetothemtheseveralpageswhich,accordingtomyplan,aretheirdue.ThisistheresultofDr.Lajoie’sadvice:itissogoodthatIamfollowingit;ontheotherhandIdon’tforamomentdoubtthatMorcolwilldiscoverIcarusinnexttonotime.Hetrappedhimonce,didn’the?Bisrepetitaplacent.Noreasonwhyheshouldn’tfindhim again: I’ll elaborate the character of Maîtretout, then, and bring his daughter more into focus.Maîtretout,inspiteofhisname,onlyteachessymbolistpoetry;it’struethatthisisnotlackinginsecrets:vowelcolour,consonantflavour,subtlehypallages–thewholealchemyofwords.Maîtretout,inshort,isamodernFaust.I’llgethimtosayafewwords.

Silence.HUBERTWhat?What’s that I hear? Nothing!Maître-tout, Maîtretout, where are you? No funny

business,eh?Youaren’tgoingtodisappeartoo,areyou?Anyway,youwouldn’tleaveyourdaughterallalone.Wouldhe,Adelaide?What?What’sthat?What’sthatIdon’thear?Adelaide!youaren’tgoingtodisappeartoo,areyou!Adelaide!Mademoiselle!Ah!thelittlewretch!She’sdisappearedwithherPapa!

Heringsahandbell.EURTRUDEYourang,Monsieur?HUBERTEurtrude,youhaven’tseenanyoneleavinghere,haveyou?EURTRUDENoone,mygoodmaster.HUBERTNorcomingin?Anygendarmes,forinstance?EURTRUDEAbsolutelynothing,mygoodmaster,absolutelynothing.HUBERTGendarmes,infact–anabsurdhypothesis.Eurtrude!givemejustafingerofportwine,

andI’llhavesomebiscuitswithit.(Alone).Thisisbecomingfarcical!Allthesame,mycharacterscan’tjustdecamplikethat,oneaftertheother.WhathaveIgotleft, infact?Just thefoot-sloggers.ShallIbeabletocarryonwiththeseotherranks?

SURGET(wipinghismouth)Thatwasanexcellentdinnerthatyouconcocted,mygoodlady.Ishallgoandwork,now.Myman iswaiting forme.Adulteryhasbeencommitted.Hediscovers it.Youcanguesswhatfollows:heavengeshishonourbut,andthis is thepoint:nothonourably, inadistinguishedmanner,withapistol,forexample,butbestially,withappallingcruelty.

MmeSURGETWhatablacksoulyouhave.SURGETMyman is going to kill hiswifewith a chopper. I’m evenwonderingwhether Iwon’t

makehimmakemincemeatofher.MmeSURGETHowhorrible!SURGETLikethelegendofSaintNicholas.MmeSURGETWell,ifitrelievesyourfeelings!SURGETGiveme,mywifeandspouse,afingerofportwine,andthenI’llstart.Hedrinkshisfingerofportwineandsitsdownathisworktable.SURGETMycharacter, I forgot to tellmywifeand spouse, isnamedCorentinDurendal, aname

whichIhadgreatdifficultyinfinding.DurendalisobviouslyanallusiontothefatalchopperandCorentinstresseshisBretonorigin;borninRodez,hisparentscamefromMorbihan: this is thesortof thingthatnovelreadersareinterestedin.CorentinDurendal,thatpeaceablecivilservant,ispreparingtocommitacrime,butforthemoment,asishiswont,heisfeedingthebirds,justlikeaRacinianEternalFather.Iseeencirclinghimallthatlittletwittering,featheredworld,innocentandvolatile,whohavenottheslightestsuspicionthattheirpeaceablefoster-fatherisabouttocommitanatrociouscrime.Isee,then,CorentinDu…no, though, Idon’tseehim.Andyethehadn’t finished feeding the littlebirds!Maybehe’schangedbenches.No,though.Allthebenchesareempty,excepttheoneoccupiedbyacoupleoflovers.

THECOUPLEOFLOVERSWe’rekissingbecauseweweretoldtokiss.SURGETThosetwomustcomefromJean.Inanycasetheydisappear,asJeanhasmovedthemtotheBoisdeVincennes.SURGETNomoreCorentin!NomoreDurendal! It’s not possible!No, it’s not possible! I don’t

understand.But,but,but…couldthepeaceableCorentinDurendalhaveplayedthesametrickonmeasIcarusdidtoLubert?It’sastounding!Corentine!Corentine!

MmeSURGET(comingrunning).Didyoucallme,mytreasure?SURGETCorentinDurendal,theheroofmynovel,theoneIwastellingyouaboutjustnow,theone

whowasgoingtokillhiswifewithachopper–CorentinDurendalhasdisappeared!MmeSURGETAh,thegoodfellow!SURGETSothat’showyousharemydistress.MmeSURGETOhbutIdo,mytreasure,Ido,Idoshareit,butIalsounderstandperfectlythatM.

CorentinDurendalshouldrefusetokillhiswife.Especiallywithachopper.SURGETMystick!myhat!I’mgoingtoseeMorcol!He’llfindhimforme.Recoursetohimismy

onlyresource.

MmeSURGETBelieveme,mytreasure,allyouhavetodoisnotmakehimkillhiswife,andM.CorentinDurendalwillcomeback.

SURGETNo,no! Iwanthim tokillher.Thanks for thestick, thanks for thehat! I’mgoing to seeMorcol.Ishallrunalltheway!

TheGlobeandTwoWorldsTavern.EnterLNTHEDRINKERS‘Butit’sLN!’‘LN!What’sbecomeofyou?’‘Whathadbecomeofher?’‘LN!LN!butit’sLN!’‘What’sbecomeofyou,LN?’‘Whathadbecomeofher?’LNGreetings,Messieurs.WAITER(comingrunning).Yes,Madame?LNAroundforeveryone!THEDRINKERSHurrahforLN!FIRSTDRINKERSoyou’reback!Wehaven’tseenyouforsuchalongtime.LNI’vechangedmybeat.SECONDDRINKERAndwhatgoodwindbringsyoubackhere?LNIwantedtoseemyoldfriends.FIRSTDRINKERThatwasnice.WAITERHerearetheabsinthes.LNThiswillbethelastglassofwormwoodIshalldrinkhere.SECONDDRINKERYoujustwantedtoseeusagain,andthat’sall?WAITERSeeusagain,andthat’sall?LNSeeyouagain,andsayadieu!Adieutomypastlife,tomysomewhatfrivolousyouth!Allowme

to inform you, dear absinthe drinkers, that I am abandoningmy former profession and setting up as adressmaker.

FIRSTDRINKERHowbanal!LNFar from it! For I shall neither sew normake ordinary clothes, but solely bloomers for lady

bicyclists. I am setting up near theAvenue de laGrande-Armée and the PorteMaillot, the district inwhichourmodernmeansoftransportarecomingintobeing.

SECONDDRINKERYou’removingwiththetimes,LN,andevenfasterthanthem.LNThat’sjustwhatIthink.Thebicycleisnotonlygoingtostartanewfashion,itwillalsogiveour

sedentarypeoplesatastefortravelandtourism;itwillreviveourdormantprovinces,attractvisitorstothe country, facilitate human relations among villagers not merely in the same parish but even inneighbouringparishes,andfinallyitwillgivetheFrenchwomanthelibertyherAnglo-Saxonsistershavealreadyconquered.Thisiswhatpeoplearesaying,andIproclaimit.

ALLTHEDRINKERSBravo!HurrahfortheBike!HurrahforSport!Theydrinktheirabsinthes.

LIMORCOL(inhisoffice).Idon’tknowwhyIamsopossessedbymelancholysincethesylvanwalks

towhichtheexerciseofmyprofessionleadsme,walkswhichhoweveraredisturbedbythemodernityofthecharacterIamsupposedtobefollowing.Melancholy,blissfulmelancholy,youincitemetoretirefromthisstory.Iwanttorelax,totakemymodestsavingsandgototheRivieratobreathethebalmyeffluviaoftheorangeandlemontrees.Yes,that’swhereIshallgoandlive.It’sasuddendecision,butit’salreadyquitefirm.Weshallabidebyit,andit’sjusttoobadforourclients:

Abellrings.MORCOLButthere’sthebell.Whocanbecomingthustotroublemeinmysonorousmeditations?Hegoestoopenthedoor.SURGETAh!mydearman!MORCOLHecallsmemydearman!SURGET(veryemotionally)Mydearman!MORCOLThingsmustbegoingbadly.SURGETGiveupthesearchforIcarus…MORCOLIalreadyhave.SURGETAndfindmeCorentinDurendal.MORCOLOneofyourcharacters?SURGET Yes. I’ve just noticed that he’s disappeared. So you see, Icarus is only of secondary

importance,now.YoumustgetonDurendal’strail.Andanyway,Idon’tthinkyou’llhaveanydifficulty;he’sapeaceablecivilservant,you’lleasilypickuphistracks.

MORCOLMonsieurSurget,you’rewastingyourbreath.SURGETWhatdoesthatmean?MORCOLI’mgivingup,MonsieurSurget. I’mgivingup.Nomoreshadowing.Andaboveall,no

more shadowing of shadows – meaning the insubstantial images of authors’ imaginations. MonsieurSurget,I’mshuttingupshop.

SURGETYoucan’tdothattome!MORCOLThat’sthewayitis.SURGETMyfortune!myfortuneforDurendal!MORCOLNotforabillionfrancs.SURGETJustoncemore!Onelasttime!MORCOLIamneitherapuppetnoramarionette.Nothingcanmakemegobackonmydecision.SURGETYouhavenopity.MORCOLIhavesomeformyself.SURGETYouwouldn’tallowmyquilltorundryoveraworkthatwouldhavebeenembellishedby

anabominablecrime?MORCOLTowit?SURGETWithachopper.

MORCOLBanal.SURGETNotintheeyesofmypublic.Whatanovelitwouldmake!MORCOLYou’llwriteothers.That’swhatIalwaystoldM.Lubert.SURGETAndyou’regoingtoleavehimtoowithouthisIcarus?MORCOL I tell you, I’m shutting up shop, I’mpackingmybags, and I’moff to the shores of the

Rivieratobreathethebalmyeffluviaoftheorangeandlemontrees.SURGETThenIwillleaveyou,alas,cruelMorcol,prostratewithgrief.It’smypunishment:Isteal

Icarus,andCorentinDurendalstealsaway.MORCOLMaybe,butI’moff.

DoctorLajoieprescribesalittlebicarbonateofsoda.‘Isthatall,Doctor?’asksthesufferer.‘I’veheardthatantipyrine…orPinkPills…’‘Wellwell!sothat’swherewe’vegotwithpopularmedicineandthepharmaceuticaladvertisements

which are displayed not insidiously but in abundance in the daily and even weekly papers. So that’swherewe’vegot:thepatientwantstohealhimself!Anyminutenowhe’llbewantingtowriteouthisownprescription!’

‘Then,Doctor,youthink…’‘Bicarbonateofsodaisamiraclemedicinewhich,inmoderatedoses,willdoyouthegreatestgood.

Drinkalittleherbteaaswell,butnottoexcess’.When the valetudinarian had gone,DoctorLajoiewent to check that therewas no one left in the

waiting-room. He was sure there wasn’t, but being of an anxious temperament he needed to makeassurancedoublysure.Havinggoneroundhisconsultingroominaclockwisedirection,andthenintheoppositedirection,hehalf-openedthedoorandsawSurget.

DOCTORYouhere!Ididn’thearyoucomein.SURGETAsnooneopenedthedoor,Ipulledthecatchandthatloosedthelatch.DOCTORMyhousekeeperhasgonetoconsultahealerintheprovincesandhersubstituteleavesat

fiveo’clock,butthatcan’tbeofanyspecialinteresttoyou.Whatillwindbringsyouhere?SURGETAsthesayinggoes,Idon’tknowwhichwaytoturn.DOCTORSitdown,mydearfriend.I’mlistening.SURGETHaveyoucuredHubertLubert?DOCTORIflattermyselfthatIhave!Whilehe’swaitingforIcarustocomebackhe’scontinuinghis

novel with some of his minor characters: this is one of my greatest successes. I’ve cured him sothoroughlythatIdon’tseehimanymore,whichcausesmeacertainlossofrevenue.Butthatisamatterofminorconsequencetome.Haveyoueverreflected,mydearfriend,onthisparadox?IfdoctorshadnotsworntobeauthenticdisciplesofHippocrates,woulditnotbeintheirinteresttomaketheircureslastaslongaspossible?

SURGETExcuseme,Doctor,butyourproblemsareforthemomentoflittlecomforttome:Iwouldprefertotellyouaboutmyproblems.Orrather,myproblem.

DOCTORMydigressionwas provoked by your question: ‘Have you curedHubertLubert?’, youknow.Butgoon:I’mlistening.

SURGETWell,thesamethinghashappenedtome.Mychiefcharacterhasdisappeared.DOCTORGetMorcoltolookforhim.SURGETAs the sayinggoes:hie jacet lepus.Hedoesn’twant toworkanymore. It’saveritable

catastrophe.DOCTORNotreally.Hehasn’tfoundIcarus–whydoyousupposehe’dbeanymorelikelytofind

yours?

SURGETHowtrue;Ihadn’tthoughtofthat.Whatamarvellousthingcommonsenseis.Asthesayinggoes:it’sthecommonestthingintheworld.

DOCTORYes:exceptthere’salsosuchathingasbeingonshortcommons.SURGETMeaningthatIamshortofcommonsense?Wouldthatbeyouropinion,Doctor?DOCTORNotatall,notatall.SURGETThankyou.Whatdoyouadvisemetodo,then?DOCTORImitateyourcolleagueHubertLubert.Continuethesamenovelwiththeothercharacters,

orelsestartanotherone.SURGETIt’sidiotic,youradvice.DOCTORIt’scommonsensespeakingthroughmymouth.Thissaid–wouldyoulikemetoconvince

youofitbyasuitableformoftreatment?SURGETWhatsortoftreatment?DOCTORYouliedownonthatcouchandtellmeeverythingthatcomesintoyourhead.SURGETThat’snotmystyle,sayingwhatevercomesintomyhead.IknowwhatImean,whenIsay

something,andImeanwhatIsay.Saywhatevercomesintomyhead,indeed!DOCTORWell,tellmeadream,then…SURGETThey’reidiotic,dreams.Andanyway,Ineverdream.Asthesayinggoes,I’veputallmy

imaginationintomynovels,andnothingintomydreams.DOCTORAmissedopportunity,then:anactofomission.SURGETStealingIcarusdidn’tbringmeluck.DOCTORWeprotoanalystsdon’tcallthatanactofomission.It’safailedactofcommission.SURGETAndwhatdoesthevocable‘protoanalyst’signify?DOCTORThatsignificantdesignatesanewprofessionwhichIamaddingtothatofsawboneswhich

hassofarbeenmyonlysignification.AndthankstomypracticeofthisprofessionIamnowinapositiontohelpyouinonewayoranotherinyoursearch,buttothatendyoumustliedownonthiscouch.

SURGETJustamoment!Asthesayinggoes:timeismoney–sogivemesomemoneytothink.

LNhadsetupshopatNo.5rueBelidor.Heresheemployedthreeyoungshop-ladies.Theworkshopopenedontothecourtyard;itsall-femalestaffconsistedoftwobloomer-makers,onealterationhandandthreeapprentices.SoitwasquitealittlebusinessthatLNhaddrummedupandshewascertainlytobeseen in two if not three places at once, receiving the clients, presiding at fittings and supervising theproduction. In short, shewas doing a roaring trade. LNwas in themoney, and she could easily havesupported Icarus if he, for his part, had not received some slight pecuniaries throughmaking himselfusefultoM.Berrrier.

LNhadtakensokindlytocommercethatonemightalmosthavethoughtshehadbeenborntoit.Oneday,forexample,incomesawoman,whatmayIdoforyou,Madame?,sucharethewordspronouncedbyLN,andthewomananswers,I’dlikesomecyclingbloomers,somethingverysmart.You’vecometotherightshop,Madame,LNtellsher,Ihavetheverythingtoadorntheposteriorandaccentuatethecalves.Here,Madame,istheverylatestmodel,oneofmypersonalcreations,inScottishtartanwithlongitudinalgussets,perfectionitself,whichwillfityoulikeaglove,especiallyinviewofthewayMadameisbuilt,absolutelymadeforyou,you’llbedelighted,justcomethisway,Madame,andletustryitonyou.Oncewe’veremovedthefrillsandfurbelowsyou’llseeforyourself,Madame,thatthesebloomers,amodelofmy personal creation in Scottish tartan andwith longitudinal gussets, that these bloomers fit youwithmiraculous ease and that thus bedizened you really look like a goddesş. In the Miss Velocipedecompetitionyouwillcertainlybearthepalm,likeHeraonMountIda.

THECLIENTIthoughtitwasAphrodite.LNJustarumour.Inanycase,whatdoesclassicalmythologymatter.Whatcountsforuswomen is

modernmythology,theFairyElectricity, theEiffelTower,thePanhard-Levassorandthelittlequeen,asweup-to-dateFrenchcallthebicycle.Andofallthequeenswhoridethelittlequeenyou,Madame,asIhavealreadyremarked,willbethegoddess.Youhavealreadymadeyourdecision,Iamsure,thereisnoneedformetopressthepoint,willyoutakeitwithyou?

THECLIENTNo;Iwantitdelivered.LNName?Address?THECLIENTMadamedeChampvaux,130rueLaBoétie.Cashondelivery.Shegoesout.LNStrangefatethatbringsusfacetoface.Coulditbeatrap?AMacchiavellianplot?

Atthegarage.CorentinDurendaliscautiouslydustinganewautomobilewithacleancloth.MONSIEURBERRRIERWell,Icarus,whatdoyousaytothislittlejewel?ICARUSIsay:phew!MONSIEURBERRRIERIt’saPanhard-Levassor.They’llbeabletogetuptotwentymilesanhour

withthis.Maybeeventwenty-twoortwenty-three.ICARUSButwherewillpeoplego,todriveatsuchspeeds?It’shopelessintheBoisnow,it’sfullof

forest-rangers.MONSIEUR BERRRIER They’ll have to build a special road where there’ll be nothing but

automobilecarriages.They’llcallitanautodrome.ICARUSWhatadream!Speedwithoutforest-rangers.MONSIEURBERRRIERWell,yes.But thetroubleis thatonsuchanautodromepeoplewouldbe

goingfromnowheretonowhere.ICARUSButwhy,MonsieurBerrrier,wouldpeoplebegoingfromnowheretonowhere?MONSIEURBERRRIERBecausetheautodrome,bydefinition,wouldbecircular.ICARUSIdon’tseewhy.Neitherautonordromeprescribecircularity,accordingtothedistantand

instinctiveremembranceIstillhaveofthetongueofmyancestors.MONSIEURBERRRIERPerhapsnot.ButpersonallyIseeitascirculair:Ihaveaperfectright to,

haven’tI?ICARUSIwon’tcontradictyou,MonsieurBerrrier.MONSIEURBERRRIERAnevenmadderdreamwouldbearoadsolelyreservedforautomobiles,

whichwouldgofromsomewheretosomewhere.ICARUSAndthatwouldbecalledanautostrada.MONSIEURBERRRIERNo,anautoroute.ICARUSRight,MonsieurBerrrier.MONSIEUR BERRRIER A still madder dream is when there won’t be any more automobile

carriagesatall.They’llhavedisappearedlikethemammoth.Andwemechanicsandgaragemenwillbeaforgottenspecies, like the speciesofmarineanimalswhose fossilised traces are found inKimmeridgeclay,forinstance.

ICARUSYouatleast,MonsieurBerrrier,takethelongview.You’rearealprophet.MONSIEURBERRRIERLet’snotexaggerate.ICARUSButit’strue,MonsieurBerrier;onlyveryfewpeoplecanseeintothefuturelikeyoucan.MONSIEURBERRRIERImustadmitthat…ICARUSWellthentellme,MonsieurBerrrier,doyoubelievethatonedaypeoplewillbeabletodo

somethinglikesixtymilesanhour?MONSIEURBERRRIERNever,myboy.Never.

EURTRUDEIsthatyouMonsieurMorcol?Themasterhasbeenwaitingforyoumostimpatiently.MORCOLHe’sgoingtobedisappointed.HegoesintoHubert’sstudy.HUBERTAh,thereyouare.Didyougetmyexpressletter?MORCOLThereasonformyvisit.HUBERTHaveyoufoundIcarus?MORCOLNo.HUBERTWell,you’llhavetoaddMaîtretoutandhisdaughterAdelaidetothelist.They’veflown

too,butasIpresumethatAdelaideistryingtofindIcarus,thatshouldgiveyouaclue.Orevenaclew.You’llcatchallthreeofthem;itmustbeeasiertofindacommunitythananisolatedindividual.

MORCOLHowlonghavetheybeengone?HUBERTFourdays. Imighthave toldyouearlier, I agree. Imust admit that Iwashoping they’d

comebackoftheirownaccord,andperhapsevenbringIcaruswiththem.MORCOLMonsieurLubert,IregrettohavetoinformyouthatI’mshuttingupshop.HUBERTIbegyourpardon?MORCOLIsay,I’mshuttingupshop.Iamnolongerpractisingasadetective.HUBERTButthen…Icarus…Maîtretout…Adelaide…CanInolongerplaceanyhopeinyou?MORCOLNone.HUBERTAndwhatabouttheadvancesIgaveyou?MORCOLYou’llhavetowritethemoff.HUBERTButthat’sfraud!botheconomicalandpsychological.MORCOLI’mdeclaringmyselfbankrupt.HUBERTNomorehelpfromyou?Comecome,justalittleeffort.YoumanagedtofindIcarusforme

once,youcanequallywellmanageitagain,andallthemoresoasI’mgivingyouanewlead.MORCOLNoargufying,MonsieurLubert. I’mgivingup. I amgoing to retire to the shoresof the

Rivieratobreathethebalmyeffluviaoftheorangeandlemontrees.AnddoyouknowhowIintendtogothere?

HUBERTWhatdoIcare.MORCOLBybicycle.

AttheClub.JACQUESMydearman,Ihavesomeseriousnewstotellyou.JEANSohaveI.JACQUESChamissac-Piépluhasdisappeared.JEANSohaveallmycharacters!Awholefileofthem.Ihaven’tasingleoneleft.Isn’titmad?JACQUESWhowouldhavethoughtitofhim?JEANJustone,wellallright,butallofthematthesametime!Eventheminorcharacters!eventhe

concierge’sparrot.JACQUESChamissac-Piépluwasagildedyouth.Money–women–hehadeverything!JEANWhatamesswe’rein.JACQUESWemightperhapsaskthatdetectivetohelpus…SURGET (insurgent) My friends, I have some painful news to tell you. Corentin Durendal has

disappeared.JEANANDJACQUESWe’reallinthesamesituation.SURGETYoutoo?JEANANDJACQUESWetoo!Deprivedofourcreations!OuronlyhopenowisyouandMorcol.SURGETMyfriends,whatasaddisappointmentisinstoreforyou!Morcolnolongerwishestoengageinthissortofbusiness!JEANCatastrophic!JACQUESDecidedly,thesituationismauve.SURGETAh!ifwehadn’tstolenIcarus,thiswouldneverhavehappenedtous.JEANANDJACQUESWedon’tseetheconnection.

LNCareful!She’llsoonbeheretofetchhercyclingbloomers.ICARUSTheonlythingsheeverseemstothinkofisdressingup.LNMycyclingbloomersaremostbecoming.ICARUSIthinkthey’rehideous,andthewomenwhowearthemlooklikesillygeese.LNDon’tdisparagemytrade.ICARUSIt’snotyourtradeI’mdisparaging,it’sthefashion.Ihopeyou’renotgoingtostartwearing

them,tosettheexample.LNSeeingthatIdon’trideabicycle.It’stheautomobileforme.Thankstoyou.ICARUSThebicycleisathingofthepast.LNInthemeantime,thelittlequeenisalltherage,andridingabikeinbloomersofLN’screation,

well,myclientsthinkthat’sfine.ICARUSAllright,Ididn’tsayathing.I’mgoingtowork,now.LNAsIsaidbefore:beonyourguardagainstlaChampvaux.ICARUSI’llbeonmyguard–butshemusthaveforgottenme,youknow.LNNooneeverforgetsyou.

TheBerrriergarage.M.Berrrierisfromhome.IcarushastakenthePanhard-Levassorouttogiveitabreath of fresh air.CorentinDurendal, alone, is leaning on a broom, dreaming.A young lady arrives,carryingasuitcase.Whichsheputsdown.Sheisaccompaniedbyasilentchaperon.

THEYOUNGLADYAnyonethere?CORENTINDURENDAL(slowlyraiseshiseyes,andsaysnothing).THEYOUNGLADYAnyonein?CORENTINDURENDAL(slowlylowershiseyes,andsaysnothing).THEYOUNGLADYAnyonearound?CORENTINDURENDAL(slowlyraiseshiseyesandsaysnothing).THEYOUNGLADYNotevenanecho?CORENTINDURENDALCorentinDurendal.THEYOUNGLADYAndPapa?CORENTINDURENDALIhaven’tthehonouroftheacquaintanceofyourrespectedfather.THEYOUNGLADYM.Berrrier,ofcourse.CORENTINDURENDALInthatcase,itishisgarageIhavethehonourtosweep,andhistyres–or

ratherthoseofhisautomobiles–thatIhavethehonourtodust.MlleBERRRIERIsn’thehere?CORENTINDURENDALNo,Mademoiselle.Nottoranhour.MlleBERRRIERDrat.Anhour.WhatamIgoingtodowhileI’mwaiting?(Turningtohissilentcompanion):WhatamIgoingtodowhileI’mwaiting?SILENTCHAPERON(raiseshereyestoheaven).MlleBERRRIERI’mgoingtositdown.CORENTINDURENDAL(pointingtoadeDionBouton).Sitinthere.WithMadame.You’llseehow

comfortableitis.MlleBERRRIERIdon’tdare,itmightstartallbyitself.CORENTINDURENDALYou’venothingtobeafraidof.It’ssodifficulttostartthatitneedsboth

thestrengthofagrownmanandtheskillofamechanic.MlleBERRRIER(tohersilentchaperon).Shallwetry?SILENTCHAPERON(lowershereyestotheground).MlleBERRRIER(climbingup to the seat in thedeDion-Bouton).This is the first time I’ve ever

beeninanautomobile.Veryinteresting.SILENTCHAPERON(sitsdowninthecarwithoutmanifestinganyemotioneitheronewayorthe

other).MlleBERRRIERAnddoesitgo?CORENTINDURENDALWiththismachineyoucangomuchfasterthanagallopinghorse.MlleBERRRIERWhatagalley-yarn.

CORENTINDURENDALInnowise,Mademoiselle.It’sthehonesttruth.WhenM.Icarusisdrivinghegoesevenfasterthanyourfather.

MlleBERRRIERWho’sM.Icarus?CORENTIN DURENDAL A mechanic who works for your father. A most talented young man.

Almostanengineer.MlleBERRRIERIshehandsome?CORENTINDURENDALHe’samagnificentyoungman.MlleBERRRIERIlovehimalready!(tohersilentchaperon).AndIshallmarryhim.SILENTCHAPERON(raiseshereyestoheaven).

MAITRETOUTI’mgettingtired.We’venearlygottothePorteMaillotandwe’vebeenwalkingforoveranhour.

ADELAIDEWell,mysweetPapa–lookatthatbench,whichisholdingoutitsarmstoyou.Let’ssitdown.

MAITRETOUTLet’ssitdown!Theysitdown.Silence.MAITRETOUT(suddenly).Adelaide,look!butlook!ADELAIDEButatwhom,mysweetPapa?MAITRETOUTAtthatmanthere,infrontofus,sweepingoutthatgarage.ADELAIDEYes,mysweetPapa,Icanseehimquitewell.He’sworkingconscientiously.MAITRETOUTDon’tyounoticeanything?ADELAIDENo,mysweetPapa.IthinkIcanguessthatthegentlemanhasn’talwaysbeenasweeper,

thathehasknownbetterdays,that…ah!mysweetPapa,I’mbeginningtoseewhatyoumean…MAITRETOUTImeanthat…ADELAIDEHe’slikeus…MAITRETOUTYes (pause). Let’s go and put the question to him, tactfully, even though I am so

extremelytired.TheygetupandgoovertoCorentinDurendal.MAITRETOUTExcuseme,Monsieur.CORENTINDURENDALMonsieur…MAITRETOUTCouldyoukindlytellmethewaytothePorteMaillot?CORENTINDURENDALMonsieur,you’repracticallythere.Justafewmorestepsinthatdirection

(gesture).MAITRETOUTYoumustexcuseme…butwhenonedoesn’tknowParis…CORENTIN DURENDAL So Monsieur and Mademoiselle come from the provinces? That’s no

disgrace.MAITRETOUTOfcourseitisn’t!Allthemoresoaswecomefromevenfartheraway,ifImayso

putit.CORENTINDURENDALMightyoubeforeigners?MAITRETOUTInacertainsense.LikeyouyourselfIbelieve,Monsieur.CORENTINDURENDALWhatdoesthatmean?MAITRETOUT I shall perhapsnot surpriseyouwhen I tell you that Iwasbornwhen Iwas fifty

yearsold,andthateventhoughIwasbornatthatageIalreadyhadadaughterofeighteen.Hadn’tI,mychild?

ADELAIDEYes,mysweetPapa.

CORENTINDURENDALItdoesn’tsurpriseme.MAITRETOUTYouyourself,Monsieur…CORENTINDURENDALIamfortyyearsold,andhaveexistedforaweek.MAITRETOUTThat’sjustwhatIthought…youwereborn,likeme…likeher…atthetipofa

quill…CORENTINDURENDALIguesseditthemomentIsawyou.MAITRETOUTSodidI.CORENTINDURENDALSinceyouareinthesamesituationasI,youmustbeonyourguard.MAITRETOUTAgainstwhom?CORENTINDURENDALAgainstacertainMorcol…he’s lookingforusall…he’s looking for

me,he’slookingforIcarus.ADELAIDEIcarus!Doyouknowhim?CORENTINDURENDALIndeedIdo!Heworkshere.ADELAIDEOhGod!(shefaintsinherfather’sarms.)

DOCTORIassureyou that ifyoucould just tellmeabout some little actofomission,you’d feelmuchbetter.

HUBERTIdon’twriteplays.DOCTORIdon’tunderstand.HUBERTIfIwroteplays,evenifIwroteonewithonlyoneact,itwouldn’tmeanthatI’domitted

theothers.DOCTORImeantineverydaylife.Don’tyoueverforgetyourkeys?don’tyoueverhavealapseof

memory?missatrain?findyourselfonthewrongfloor?HUBERTNotsofarasmyrecollectiongoes.ThatIammad,’tisnottrue.DOCTORIt’snotaquestionofmadness.Weproto-analystsstartinthiswaybecauseyouareaverse

tofreeassociationandyouneverseemtodream.HUBERTIfindallyourprototypalpracticesextremelydispleasing,Doctor.Itonlyremainsforme

nowtopayyouandgohome.DOCTORIt’sthepayingthatcounts;you’llseehowmuchgoodit’lldoyou.Hubertpaysandleaves.Hegoeshomeandsitsdownathistableonwhichisplacedablanksheetofpaper.Helooksatitfor

alongtimeinsilence.HUBERT And anyway, to blazes with them all! They can go where they like, all the Icaruses,

MaîtretoutsandAdelaides.I’mgoingtostartanothernovel!Hedipshisquillintheinkandstartstowriteanothernovel.

EURTRUDEMonsieur!Here’sanothershrovetidereveller!MmeDECHAMPVAUX(incyclingbloomers)(shecomessailingin).HowdoIlook?HUBERTWhatevernext.MmeDECHAMPVAUXIsthatallyoucanfindtosaytome?EURTRUDEPersonally,Iamgonewiththewind.Shedisappears.MmeDECHAMPVAUXWhatanidiotsheis.Andyoujustsittheregaping!HUBERTEr…MmeDECHAMPVAUXNodoubtaboutit;allIgetfromyouissuspicionandincomprehension.HUBERTWell,youknowme…out-and-outmodernism…MmeDECHAMPVAUXWhatalet-down.Silence.MmeDECHAMPVAUX(resolutely)ifthat’showitis,I’lltakethemoff.HUBERTNono,notnow.I’mworking.MmeDECHAMPBAUXYou’reworking!IsIcarusback?HUBERTNo,butI’mwritinganothernovel.MmeDECHAMPVAUXThenyou’vegotyourardourback?HUBERTMyardourforwork.MmeDECHAMPVAUXAllIcandonow,then,isgoandgetsomemorecyclingbloomersmade.

CORENTINDURENDALLunchisready!ICARUSAren’twegoingtowaitforM.Berrrier?CORENTINDURENDALHe’stakenhisdaughterouttoarestauranttocelebrateherreturn.ICARUSHasheadaughter?CORENTINDURENDALYes.Andhisdaughterhasachaperon.ICARUSThat’snewstome.Whyhaveyoulaidfourplaces,then?CORENTINDURENDALWehaveguests.ICARUSIhaven’tinvitedanybody.CORENTINDURENDALYou’llsee.Comein!(EnterMaîtretoutandAdelaide).ICARUSSowemeetagain!ADELAIDEYouaren’tparticularlysurprised?ICARUSNotreally.CORENTINDURENDALLunchisready!MAITRETOUTYourwelcomeseemsabitcallous,tome,Icarus.ICARUSI’llsoftenit.Whydon’twehaveanabsinthe?MAITRETOUTInevertouchit:it’spoison.CORENTINDURENDAL(opensabottleof redwineandpours itoutall round.Hegets them to

passthesardines-in-pure-olive-oil).They’reAmieuxsardines.Itookthemoutofthetinmyself.ICARUSSo,MonsieurMaîtretout,you’vebeenfollowingme?MAITRETOUTIt’sratherthatI’vebeenfollowingmydaughter.ICARUSWeren’tyouhappyatM.Lubert’s?ADELAIDEMytimidity,andtheproprieties,forbidmetoanswerthat,withoutyou,Iwasunhappy

there.CORENTINDURENDAL It’s touching.M.Surgetwouldneverhave thoughtof that.All heknew

aboutwasadultery.MAITRETOUTShh!Infrontofayounglady…ADELAIDEMysweetPapa,Iknowwhatitis.Iknowlife,now,sinceI’vebeenrovingthroughthis

vastParislookingfor…Monsieur.ICARUSInmyday,itwasn’ttheyoungladieswhodeclaredthemselvestotheyoungmen.ADELAIDEItcanbereadinmodernnovels.ICARUSOh,I’mmorereadaboutthanareader.ADELAIDEWeweredestinedtounderstandeachother.MAITRETOUTIapprove,Iapprovethisbadinage,butIdeplorethefactthatitistakingplaceover

sardinesatthebackofagarage.Youmustresumeyourtenderbanterinsomeboskywood–orwaittill

thenextfullmoon.ICARUS You’re right, Monsieur Maîtretout; let’s change the subject. Let’s come back to you,

MonsieurMaîtretout.Youreallyhavenothing to reproachM.Lubert for,apart, if Imaysoput it, fromAdelaidebeingcrossedinlove.

ADELAIDEI’dlikesomemoresardines.MAITRETOUT I even thought M. Lubert extremely likeable. He had great qualities, and he’d

endowedmewithsomeconsiderableones.TheonlythingIdisapprovedof,andIimaginethatyousharemyopiniononthematter,washisliaisonwithMmedeChampvaux.

ICARUS(absent-mindedly).Shehadsomecyclingbloomersmade.ADELAIDEAmadwoman.ICARUSAscheminghussy.IamasmuchafraidofherasIamofMorcol.CORENTINDURENDALDon’tlet’stalkaboutthem,that’sthebestthing.Orwemightattractthem

likeamagnetattractsironshavings.ADELAIDEIronfilings.CORENTINDURENDALAnddoyouknowM.Surget,MonsieurMaîtretout?MAITRETOUTIsawhimtwoorthreetimesatM.Lubert’s.Iwouldn’twanttohaveanythingtodo

withhim.ICARUS I agree with you. He had me kidnapped by bogus gendarmes. Luckily I got out of his

clutches.CORENTINDURENDALAndwhataboutme?Hehadpreparedanextremelydistastefulfateforme.MAITRETOUTMightoneknowwhatfate?CORENTINDURENDALIwassupposedtokillmywifewithachopper.ADELAIDEHowfrightful!CORENTINDURENDALAndnowI’llbringyouthesteakandchips,it’smyspeciality.Niceand

CORENTINDURENDALMonsieurMaîtretout–aliqueur?MAITRETOUTWell,IreallybelieveIwill.Youareanexquisitecook.Whatagoodlunch,andit’s

apleasuretobeamongstourownkind.ICARUSWhatdoyoumeanbythat,MonsieurMaîtretout?MAITRETOUTImean,amongstourownkind…youknowwhatImean.ICARUSDoyoufeeldifferentfromtheothermeninthestreet?MAITRETOUTYes…eventhough,amongstthemtheremaywellbesome…likeus…youknow

whatImean.ICARUSWell personally,MonsieurMaîtretout, I don’t see the slightest difference. You, Lubert,

Morcol,MmedeChampvauxandAdelaide–formeit’sthesamething.MAITRETOUTEvenso…evenso…ICARUSOncewearefree,don’twehavethesamedesires, thesameneeds?Thesamefaculties?

Don’twehavetoobeythesamenecessitiesoflife?MAITRETOUTOncewe’refree,yes,butwealwaysruntheriskofreturningtoadifferentstate if

we’recaught.Theothermeninthestreetdon’t.ICARUSHowdoweknow?Itmayallcometothesamething.Theymaybethecharactersofsome

othersortofauthor.MAITRETOUTThere,Ican’tfollowyou.Avoicecallsintothegarage:Anyonethere?ICARUSI’llgo.Heknocksbackhisliqueurandgoes.AYOUNGFOPYoungman,Ishouldliketobuyforthwithandforcashanautomobile that travels

withthegreatestpossiblerapidity.ICARUSMonsieur,thebossisn’thereyet,he’llbebackanyminutenow.InthemeantimeIcanshow

youoneor twomodels…To tell you the truth, theonlyoneswehave left for sale are this deDion-BoutonandthatPanhard-Levassor.Theycanbothreachamaximumspeedofnearlythirtymilesanhour.

THEYOUNGFOPHowcanIchoose?ICARUSTheyarebothequallystronglybuiltandtheyareexactlythesameprice.THEYOUNGFOPWhichis…?ICARUSThirteenhundredandninety-fivefrancs.THEYOUNGFOPHereitis.Heputsthemoneydownsomewhere:onawork-bench,forinstance.ICARUSWithouttheboss,Ican’tsellyou….THEYOUNGFOPI’minahurry.ICARUSI’msorry.

THEYOUNGFOP(peeringatIcarus).Youngman,Iseemtoknowyourface.ICARUSAndIdittoyourditto.THEYOUNGFOPIseemtorecogniseyouandtoremembertheplacewemet,butall thisseems

extremelyextraordinaryandextraordinarilyunlikely.ICARUSYes,itwasindeedI,Monsieur,whomyouchallengedtoaduelattheCaféAnglais.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUAmechanic!frequentingtheCaféAnglais!ICARUSIwasn’tagreasemonkeyinthosedays.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUThisduelinabeyance…ICARUSOh,personally,youknow,Idon’treallysetsomuchstorebyit.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUWell,neitherdoI.I’minagreathurryand,ifImaysayso,Ihaveotherfish

tofry.What’smore,giventhesingularcircumstancesduringthecourseofwhichwemade,ifImaysoputit,eachother’sacquaintance,andwhichgivemetothinkthatwemusthavesomethingincommon,I’lltellyouasecret.

ICARUSIcanguessit.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUThenIwon’ttellyou.ICARUSThere’snoneed.Leaveyourmoneythereforthebossofthisgarageandtakeoneof these

twoautomobiles.You’llsoonbeoutofsight.CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUYoungmechanic,you’reafriend.HeclimbsupintotheseatofthedeDion-Bouton.ICARUSBytheway,though–canyoudrive?CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUM.Jacquesarrangedformetotakelessons.He’llwishhehadn’t!DEDION-BOUTONVrrrt!Vroom!Vrrt!Vroom!CHAMISSAC-PIEPLUAdieu!Hedisappears.

BALBINEThenit’ssettled,Father?IcanmarryM.Icarus?MONSIEURBERRRIERI’venothingagainstit,butatleastwaituntilyou’vemethim.BALBINEMymindismadeup.MONSIEURBERRRIERInanycase,inlessthanaminuteyou’llknowwhereyouare…Therehe

is.He’sbendingovertheengineofthePanhard-Levassor.BALBINEForthemoment,allIcanseeishisbehind.Ilikeit.MONSIEURBERRRIERBut…thedeDion-Bouton’sgone!Icarus!Where’sthedeDion-Bouton?ICARUSI’vesoldit,MonsieurBerrrier.MONSIEURBERRRIERMydeDion-Bouton!Ilovedit!ICARUSSodidI,butwasn’titforsale?MONSIEURBERRRIERAlas,yes.Soyou’vesoldit.Whoto?ICARUSIcan’trememberhisname.MONSIEURBERRRIERWhatáboutthedocuments?ICARUSWedidn’tbotherwithsuchdetails–buthere’sthemoney.MONSIEURBERRRIERIt’squitecorrect.Right.Andnow,Balbine,letmeintroducemyrighthand,

Icarus.ICARUSMademoiselle.BALBINEMonsieur.MONSIEURBERRRIER(toBalbine)ShallItellhimeverything?BALBINEOhyes,Father.MONSIEURBERRRIERYouhaven’tchangedyourmind?BALBINEOhno,Father.MONSIEUR BERRRIER Well, Icarus, in less time than you’d think possible, you’re going to

becomemyson-in-law.ICARUSWithMademoiselle?MONSIEURBERRRIERDon’ttellmethatthiscallsforreflection.Shehasanicelittlenest-egg,a

dowryinpneumatictyresandaccumulatorsand,apartfromallthat,she’saprettylittlecreature,isn’tshe?ICARUSThethingis,I’malreadyengaged.BALBINEOhGod!(shefaintsinherfather’sarms).ICARUSOnlyIdon’tparticularlywanttomarrymyfiancée,alas.BALBINE(comingoutofhercoma).Heavenbepraised!ICARUSButI’vegotwhattheycallamistress.MONSIEURBERRRIERAliaison.They’remadetobebroken.ICARUSAndthere’sasocietyladychasingme.BALBINEMonsieurisverymuchindemand.

ICARUSSoyousee,itreallydoescallforreflection.MonsieurBerrrier–couldn’twetalkaboutitsomeothertime?

BALBINEIfthat’sthewayitis,I’mofftovisittheEiffelTower.Shesignalstoherchaperon.MONSIEURBERRRIERTakeafly!Theygo.MONSIEURBERRRIERIcarus, Icarus, IbelievemyBalbine isveryangrywithyou.Youmustn’t

hurther.ICARUSWhatabouttheothers?MONSIEURBERRRIERMyfirstthoughtsareformydaughter–that’snatural,isn’tit?ICARUSWhilewe’rewaitingtosolvethisquestion,I’dliketoaskyou,M.Berrrier,whetheryou

mightnothaveanotherjobforanotherfriendofmine?MONSIEURBERRRIERAnotherCorentin?ICARUSAveryscholarlyman,aprofessorofsymbolistpoetry.Hecouldwriteyousomeleafletsin

heptasyllables.MONSIEURBERRRIERWhatanidea.ICARUSHe’dmakeagoodimpressioninthisdecor.Hehasacertainmajesty.MONSIEURBERRRIERYou’retryingtoturnmygarageintoawaxworks.ICARUSHecouldtalkelegantlytoyourupper-classcustomers.MONSIEURBERRRIERWhereishe?ICARUSIsenthimforawalkwithhisdaughter.MONSIEURBERRRIERAnddoIhavetotakeonthedaughter,aswell?ICARUSThedaughter,Adelaide,isnoneotherthanthefiancéeIwasjusttellingyouabout.MONSIEURBERRRIERButBalbine…ICARUSNotawordtoBalbine.I’llfindAdelaideajobsomewhereelse.MONSIEURBERRRIERIreallydon’tknowwhetherIoughttohopetohaveyouforason-in-lawor

not.ICARUSYoucan’tpossiblyknow.I’llbringyouMaîtretoutatatime…MONSIEURBERRRIERMaîtreTwo-at-a-time…?Isthathisname?ICARUSIdidn’tinventit.

ICARUS(singingsoftly).TheathletetakesprecautionsPerforminghiscontortionsForanygreatdistortions…

He interruptedhis efforts, as theonlyothermoreor less perfect rhyme that sprang immediately to hismindwasabortions,andhecouldn’tseehowhecouldinsinuatethiswordintohislittlesong,eventhoughM. Maîtretout had taught him that he could quite well use less perfect rhymes such as exertions, orallowableonessuchasdissipations,orevenassonancessuchaspatienceor,stillmoresurprisingly,endhis lines with words like halberd or misericord. He stopped short and started to examine hissurroundings,whereuponhesawsomekidsplayingwithakite.Thisobjecthadnotsofarplayedanypartinhisexperiences;hetookalivelyinterestinit.Itwasanextremelyordinarykitewithalongtailadornedwithpaperfrills,forwhichIcaruscouldnotseeanyexplanation.It,thekite,wasflyingquitehighinthesky,thechildholdingitonaleashwasrunninghitherandthither,andtheair-bornerhombwasfollowingtheerraticmovementsimposeduponitbythewindandthefantasyofitspuerileguide.Icarusadmiredthesimplicity of this ingenious machine, the elegance of the aerial movement and the ceruleanity of theatmosphere.Hestayedthereuntilthegamewasover.

Thenhewentbacktotown.

LXVIICARUSAdelaide,youmustunderstandthatyoursweetPapa,notwithstandinghiseminentqualities,

won’tearnagreatdealofmoneyinhisnewprofession.Andsoasnottobeaburdentohim,you’llhavetoearnyourliving.WhichisnotthefatethatM.Luberthadinmindforyouforhe,ifIrememberrightly,wasgoingtoprovideyouwithaleisurelyexistence,andthehopethatitwouldlastforalongtime.Butyoucanstillthinkbetterofyouractionsand,ifyoudon’tliketheideaofworking,gobacktoM.Lubert.

ADELAIDEIdon’twanttogobacktoM.Lubert.ICARUSInthatcase,we’llhavetofindyouaprofession.ADELAIDEIamverywilling,butprofessionhaveInone.Iamawellbrought-upyoungladywho

knowshowtoplaythepiano,paintinwatercolours,sewafineseam…ICARUSSew–that’sit.Comewithme,Adelaide,I’llfindworkforthosefairyfingersofyours.TheywalkafewstepsandcometoLN’sboutique.Theyenter.LNAh!gooddayMonsieurIcarus!thismustbetheyoungpersonofwhomyouspoke?ICARUS It is indeed,MademoiselleLN.She is calledAdelaide, sews a fine seamandhas fairy

fingers.LNPerfect!Marvellous!Ihavetheverythingforher.Doesthatsuityou,Mademoiselle–bloomers-

maker?ADELAIDE(blushing).Chesara,sara.Iwillbloomerise,Mademoiselle(shestartscrying.Icarus

proffersachair,onwhichshecollapses,sobbing).LN to ICARUS Quick, get going: Mme de Champvaux will be here any minute. She’s always

orderingbloomers.Icarusdisappears.ADELAIDE(throughhertears).Whereismyenchantedyouth?WherethehappyfateforwhichIwas

destined? Love caused me to flee the pages that had become nothing more for me than absence anddesolation,andIamnowreducedtoutilisingmyfairyfingersontasksofwhichIshallbeashamed,andwhichmaywellgivemenaughtythoughts.

LNTherearenofoolishtrades,andthere’snothingtobeashamedof.Inanycase,weonlyworkforladies.Wemakecycling,andfeminine,bloomers.

ADELAIDEIshallgetusedtoit.MADAMEDECHAMPVAUX(comingsailingin).Well,mynewbloomers?Aretheyready?These

cyclingbloomersaremarvels,eventhoughtheydon’tproducealltheexpectedresults.

ICARUSDidyouadmirethebeautiesofthecapital,Mademoiselle?BALBINECallmeBalbine.ICARUSDidyouadmirethebeautiesofthecapital,Balbine?BALBINEYou’reacad,Icarus.ICARUSIseeyoudon’tappreciatethedelicacyofmysentiments.BALBINE(toherchaperon).Disappear,chaperon!(Thechaperondisappears).(toIcarus).You’reacadtorefusethefutureownershipofthisgarage,whichwillinevitablyexpand

withtheprogressofautomobilism.Bereasonable,Icarus:marryme.ICARUSYourarguments,Balbine,donotimpressme:Idon’tsospeciallybelieveintheprogressof

automobilism.BALBINEThatvergesontheparadoxical.ICARUSForme,thefutureisintheair.BALBINEAnotherparadox.ICARUSSincethesurfaceoftheearthislimited,saturationpointwillbereached,oneday.Takethe

streetsofParis,forexample:itisn’tpossibleformorethansomanycarriagestocirculateinthem.Afterwhich – that’s the end. There’s even a speed limit. Everything is limited. Whereas the air and theatmospherehavemuchmorespacetooffer.Beforeflyingvehiclescongesttheheavens…

BALBINEButtherearen’tanyflyingvehicles.Well–aballoonortwo…butthat’snothing…ICARUSTheresoonwillbe.BALBINEInthemeantime:marryme.ICARUSLet’snottalkaboutthegarage,then.BALBINEI’mverywillingtotalkaboutotherthings.ICARUSI’mlistening.BALBINEIcarus–doyouknowwhatI’dlike?I’dlikeustobetheheroandheroineofaromantic

novel.ICARUSOutofthequestion.BALBINE(allears).Haveyouhadanunhappyloveaffair?ICARUSThatisn’twhatImean.Onthecontrary–averyhappyone,butthat’snotallthereisto…BALBINETowhat?ADELAIDE(callingfromoutside).Icarus!ICARUSComing!BALBINEAndwhomightthatbe?ADELAIDE(cominginandpointingtoBalbine).Andwhomightthatbe?ICARUS(introducingthem).Adelaide…MademoiselleBerrrier…ADELAIDEShe’safteryou.

BALBINEWhatvulgarity!ADELAIDEIwasn’tspeakingtoyou.BALBINESoIshouldhope.ADELAIDEPretentiouscreature.Balbineslapsherface.Adelaidekicksherinthetibias.Balbineslapsherfaceagain.AdelaidegrabsacanofoilandpoursitscontentsoverBalbine’shead.MONSIEURBERRRIER(comingup).Wretch!Whatareyoudoingtomydaughter?tomybeloved

daughter?ADELAIDEWhatalaugh.Haha.MONSIEURBERRRIERMypoorchild. (toIcarus).Andyouallowthisperson tohaveherway?

AfterItookyouin,you,andnotonlyyou,butallthesebizarrecreatureswhohavecomeandagglomeratedthemselvesaroundyourperson!Out,everyone!Out,Icarus!andthat’smyfinalword.

LXVIII

MorcolgetsoffhisbikeandgoesintoLN’sshop.MORCOLMadame, I am preparing for a long journey which will lead me to the shores of the

Riviera,theretobreathethebalmyeffluvia,andtothisendIhaveacquiredabicycleandlearnttouseit.Icanridequitewell,now.SoallIneedisthecostumeadhoc,whichiswhyIhavecometothisshoptobuysomecyclingknickerbockersandsometightstockings,aswellasacapandotheringredients.

LNI’msorry,Monsieur,butweonlymakeclothesforladies.MORCOLHowextremely distressing.But now I come to think of it,Madame, haven’t Imet you

beforesomewhere?LNHell!MORCOLYouaretheyoungpersonwho…LNYoumustbemistaken.MORCOLNotthatitmatters,though,for…ICARUS(coming in), (hepaysnoattention toMorcol.ToLN). I’moutofwork!M.Berrrierhas

turnedusallout!Icarus,hesaid…LNWhateverareyousaying?…MORCOLYoutoo,Monsieur,Irecogniseyou…andIobservenowthatyouarepreciselyonemetre

76andthatyouarecalledIcarus.Asforme,IamMorcol,ex-privatedetective.Don’tworry,yourfatedoesn’tconcernmeanymore.I’monlythinkingaboutmyown,now.IamretiringfrombusinessandgoingbybiketotheshoresoftheRivieratobreathethebalmyeffluviaoftheorangeandlemontrees.Andso,Madame,youhaven’tanycyclingknickerbockersforgentlemen?

LNNo,Monsieur,I’msorry.MORCOLWell,adieuthen.MonsieurIcarus,Ishallatleasthavefoundyou!Whataconsolationfor

myamour-propre,andwhatasatisfactionformyoldage!

ICARUSRight:soI’mridofpoorAdelaide:she’saccompanyingM.Maîtretoutintoexile,andhe’sfollowingCorentinDurendalenrouteforafatewhichhehopeswillbedifferent.Theyaredisappearingfrommyken.Asforme,keptbythecyclingbloomerstradeandLN’slove;Igobacktothefortificationseverydayandthereexamine,ratherthantheApachesandJezebelssleepingintheclose-croppedgrass,andthereexamine,Isay,alwayswiththesameinterest,thechildren’sgamethatconsistsinmakingpaperrhombs,knownaskites, sway in thebreeze.Now that I amexcluded from the cycling and automobileindustry,IdreamofadestinywhichIcanonlyvaguelyforeseeandofwhichM.Luberthas,nodoubt,nottheslightestinkling.M.Lubert,poorM.Lubert,nowhisdetectivehasabandonedhimhemustbeterriblyboredwithoutme andwith no hope of ever seeingme again.M. Lubert, poorM. Lubert, a generousgesturewouldbe…TheonlythingIdon’tlikeaboutkitesisthestringthatcurbsthem…M.Lubert,poorM.Lubert,agenerousgesturewouldbe…

EURTRUDEMonsieur,Icarusisatthedoor.Hewouldliketospeaktoyou.HUBERTIcarus.WhichIcarus?Ah!Icarus?Ishethere?Showhimin,then.Icarusappears.Hisattitudeismodest.HUBERTIcarus,mydear fellow!Sohereyouare!Howareyou?Sitdown!youmust tellmeall

aboutit.ICARUS(sittingdownontheedgeofachair).Yes,Monsieur.HUBERTI’mlistening,Icarus.Apartagas?Afingerofportwine?ICARUS(withagestureofrefusal).Nothankyou,Monsieur.HUBERTGoonthen,mydearfellow.I’mlistening.ICARUSMonsieurLubert,Ihaven’tcometotellyoumyadventures–youcanhearaboutthemlater,

ifyoulike–buttomakeyouaproposition.HUBERTIammoreandmoreattentive.ICARUSApropositionthathassomeconditionsattached.HUBERTConditions?Let’shearthem:thisseemscurious.ICARUSWellthen,ifyouarewillingtotakebackwithmeapersoninwhomIhavethemostlively

interest,Iamreadytoreturntoyourwork.Obviouslytheveryfactoftheexistenceofthispersonwouldconsiderablymodifytheplotofyournovel,foryouwouldnolongerdisposeofeitherM.MaîtretoutorMlle.Adelaide,whohavegonetheirway,andwhohavebeenfollowedbyCorentinDurendal,whohasnotthesameoriginaswe.

HUBERTIknow.He’soneofSurget’s.ICARUSYoumightperhapsbeabletodowithoutthem.HUBERTWell,mypoorIcarus,noneofthisinterestsmeintheslightest.Butofcourse!–Iwasn’t

goingtospendmywholelifegettingpeopletolookforyou,especiallyasthebestsleuthwhospecialisesinthatlinehasletmedownandisleavingtheprofession.

ICARUSIknow.Imethim.HUBERT (after amoment’s surprise, continues). Iwasn’t going to get personally involved in the

search,naturallyenough.AndIwasn’tgoingtotwiddlemythumbsandwaitpatientlytillyoucameback.No, I’ve started another bookwhich is going according tomywishes and, letme stress,with faithfulcharacters.Soyouwillunderstand,mypoorIcarus,thatIamnotinterestedinyourproposition.

ICARUS(standingup).Reallynot?HUBERTReallynot.I’msorry,butIhavenomoreuseforyourcharacter.ICARUSWhatIwassaying,MonsieurLubert,wasforyourbenefit.Becausepersonally,I’vefound

myvocation.HUBERT(holdingouthishand).Everything’sforthebest,then!Goodluck,Icarus.ICARUSThankyou,Monsieur.Falseexit.

ICARUSWouldn’tyoulikemetoleaveyoumyaddress?Justincase…HUBERTGiveittoEurtrude!GiveittoEurtrude!ExitIcarus.HUBERTEvenso,I’mtouchedbyhisvisit.Iwonderwhatonearthhisvocationcanbe,Iought to

haveaskedhim.Whatdoesitmatter,though.Heresumeshiswork.

DOCTORHalloLN,Ihaven’tseenyouforages.LNYoucancallmeMademoiselleLNnow,Doctor,becauseI’mabloomer-maker.DOCTORThere’snosuchthingasafoolishtrade.LN I didn’t come to see you to talk about bloomers, nor to consult you onmy behalf. It’s about

Icarus.DOCTORAha!LNHewantedtogobacktoM.Lubert.HetoldmethatifM.Luberttookhimback,he’dtakemetoo.

ButIdon’twantto.ItwasagenerousgestureonIcarus’spart,butIdon’twanttobecomeacharacterinanovel.Myoriginisquitedifferent.

DOCTORAndwhatisit?LNCruciverbal.DOCTORCruciverbal?LNIt’s true,youcouldn’tunderstand.But I love Icarus,and this is the first time thatanything has

comebetweenus.DOCTORIfyouareofdifferentorigins,perhapsyourunionwouldbeill-matched?LNWeunderstandeachotherperfectly.Exceptforthisgenerousgesture.Couldn’tyoupersuadeM.

Luberttorefuse?–that’swhatI’vecometoaskyou.DOCTORLubertiswritinganothernovel.Hewillrefuse.LNItseemsthathewassoattachedtoIcarus.DOCTORAllthisisnoneofmybusiness.LNWon’tyoumakeagenerousgesture,too?DOCTOR I can’t interfere, but I canmake enquiries, and to that end I shall use thatmarvellous

invention,thetelephone.LNThetelephone!DOCTOR(pickingupthereceiver).Hallo,hallo:Mademoiselle,willyoupleaseconnectmewith

M.Lubert,wholivesat14ruedeLaRochefoucauld…I’llwaitaslongasisnecessary,Mademoiselle…hallohallo…hallohallo…hallohallo…ah,mydearLubert…youhaven’tbyanychancehadavisitfrom…

NASALVOICEFromIcarus?Howdidyouknow?DOCTOR…Er…justarumour…NASALVOICEWell,Icarushasgone.Idon’twantanymoretodowithhim.Aren’tIright?DOCTORIt’snotformetogiveyouadvice,buta littlebicarbonateofsodawouldn’tdoyouany

harm.Luberthangsup.Hecan’tbeverypleased.DOCTORItlooksasifyourvisitwasunnecessary.You’llgetyourIcarusback.LNOh,thankyou,Doctor.WhatdoIoweyou?

DOCTORI’llmakeyouapresentofthetelephonecall.It’llbeaweddingpresent.

JEANIfoundthemallbackintheirplaces.Idon’tunderstand.AnyonemighthavethoughtI’dbeenseeingthings.

JACQUESI’vegivenChamissac-Piépluupaslost.Butnotthecolourmauve.MyChamissac-Piépluwasn’tmauveenough.Mynewcharactersaresomauvethatthey’dneverdarerunaway.

JEANHa,here’sSurget.Helooksradiant.SURGETAh,myfriends,whatastory!Doyouwantmetotellittoyou?it’llinterestyou.JEAN(toJean),andJACQUES(toJacques).Wecanguess.SURGETWell,justimagine,I’vefoundCorentinDurendal,mywanderingcivilservant.Herepented

of his ways. And better still: I’ve inherited two characters from a novel of Lubert’s whom he hadabandoned; a charming young lady, Mlle Adelaide, and her father, an eminent elderly professor, M.Maîtretout.IthinkI’llbeabletomakesomethingofthem.

JEANWhatwillLubertsay?SURGETNothingatall.Iaskedhim.It’sallthesametohim.Mygoodness–I’veadoptedthem.JACQUESSoyou’llbeabletomakeafreshstart,now?SURGETYes. I shall have to adapt the plot a little. Nothing serious. And then, I like this Mile

Adelaide,andI’mhopingtolearnsomethingfromM.Maîtretout.JEANWhatdoesheteach?SURGETIrregularrhetoric.

LXXIII

HUBERTIcarus’sreappearancebothersme.PerhapsIwaswrongtorefusehisconditions.WhatI’dliketodonowisgobacktothenovelIstartedwithhim,andfinishit.Andthen,hisvocationintriguesme.

MmeDECHAMPVAUXWellthen–accepthisconditions.HUBERTI’dalreadythoughtofthat.MmeDECHAMPVAUXThefactthatI’vethoughtofittoodoesn’tmakeitabadidea.HUBERTIthink,afterall,thatIwillacceptthem.MmeDECHAMPVAUXButhowareyougoingtofindhim,now?HUBERTIhavehisaddress!Eurtrude!hisaddress!EURTRUDEMonsieur?HUBERTIcarus’saddress!EURTRUDEJustamoment,Monsieur,andI’llfindit…5rueBelidor.MmeDECHAMPVAUXButthat’stheaddressofmybloomer-makers.HUBERTThat’shighlysuspicious.YouwantmetogetIcarusbackbecause…because…perhaps

you’realreadyhismistress?MmeDECHAMPVAUXIswearI’mnot!ItwasforyourowngoodthatIsaidyoushouldaccept…HUBERTMyowngood…hm…I’vegivenuptheideaoflookingforIcarus.MmeDECHAMPVAUXYourjealousyvergesonfolly.HUBERTJealousycannotbecontrolled.MmeDECHAMPVAUXIpromiseyou…HUBERTDon’tpromiseanything.MmeDECHAMPVAUXTo prove to you the nobility ofmy feelings, so long as youworkwith

Icarus,youshallseemenomore.MmedeChampvauxdisappearsabruptly.HUBERTNowIamfreefromotherpreoccupations,let’scometoadecision.(Hethinksfora long

time).Thisdecisionwasalreadyarrivedatatthebeginningofthischapter:let’slosenotimeinfindingIcarus!

Heisoutinthestreet.Anautomobiletaxipasses.HUBERTLetustakeadvantageoftheopportunityProgressoffersus!Driver!

HUBERT(toHubertinhistaxi).Here’snumberfiveintherueBelidor.Itisinfactacycling-bloomersshop.Shewasn’tlying.Let’s

goin.(hegoesin).MightIspeaktoM.Icarus,please?ASHOPGIRLM.IcarushasgoneoutwithMadame.HUBERTAndmightIknowwheretheyhavegone?It’sveryimportant.THESHOPGIRLThey’vegonetotheground.HUBERT(aghast.)Tofightaduel?THESHOPGIRLHeehee.No,tothegroundwheretheyflykites.HUBERTTheyflykites?Andwhereisthisground?THESHOPGIRLAlongtheSeine,nearthePuteauxbridge.HUBERTThankyouforthatpreciouspieceofinformation.Hethrowshimselfintohistaxiandshoutsouttheaddress.THETAXIDRIVERAh,Monsieurwantstoseethecantharodrome?HUBERTThecantharodrome?What’sthat?THETAXIDRIVERHasn’tMonsieurheard?It’sinallthepapers,sometimesonthesportspageand

sometimesonthesciencepage.HUBERTIsorarelyreadthem.Justanoccasionalglanceattheliterarypages.THETAXIDRIVERAhwell,personally…HUBERTCan’tyougoanyfaster?THETAXIDRIVERI’vegotmyfootrightdown.HUBERTAndwhatmightthatmean?THETAXIDRIVERThatIampressingdowntheacceleratorwithallmystrength.HUBERTAh…theaccelerator.Alittlefurtheron,outsidethecantharodrome.THETAXIDRIVERYou’rejustintime:he’stakingoff.Hubertleapsoutofthetaxi.Somethingismovingintheair.Downontheground,thespectatorsare

commentingontheevents.HUBERTWhoisit?Whatisit?Anyonemightthinkitwasaman…SPECTATORItis.HUBERTWhoisit?Whoisit?SPECTATORIcarus,ofcourse.Firstflightwithapassenger.ANOTHERSPECTATORAgirlcalledLN.ANOTHERSPECTATORIcarusisgainingheight.ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sovertheSeine,now.

ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sbeatingalltherecords.ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sclimbing!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sclimbing!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sclimbing!ANOTHERSPECTATORYoucanhardlyseehim.ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sdisappearingintotheclouds!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sreappearing!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sclimbingagain!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’sclimbingtoohigh!Something’sgoingtohappentohim.ANOTHERSPECTATORBut…but…he’scomingdownagain!ANOTHERSPECTATORHe’snotcomingdown:he’sfalling!ALLHe’sfalling!he’sfalling!he’sfallingtohisdeath!HUBERT(shuttinghismanuscriptonIcarus).Everythinghappenedaswasanticipatedmynovel is

finished.

BythesameauthorTheBlueFlowersExercisesinStyleTheSundayofLife

73-76900

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in a newspaper, magazine, radio, television, orwebsite review, no part of this bookmay be reproduced in any form or by anymeans, electronic ormechanical, includingphotocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system,withoutpermissioninwritingfromthePublisher.

OriginallypublishedinFrenchasLevold’Icare©1968byEditionsGallimard.Thistranslation,underarrangementwiththem,wasfirstpublishedintheUnitedStateshardbound(ISBN:0-8112-0482-0)andasNewDirectionsPaperbook358(ISBN:0-8112-0483-9)in1973.

ISBN978-0-8112-2086-6(e-book)

NewDirectionsBooksarepublishedforJamesLaughlinbyNewDirectionsPublishingCorporation

80EighthAvenue,NewYork10011

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