the monkey massacre
Post on 06-Apr-2018
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TRANSCRIPT
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THE MONKEY MASSACRE
By Matthew Johnson
[OPENING CREDITS]
EXT. UNKNOWN ALLEYWAY, NIGHT
A montage of close-up shots shows various pieces of the
aftermath of a murder a bloodstained banana peel, a
bloody knife, etc. The last of these shots shows the
silhouette of a stuffed gorilla, Carlos, standing over a
dead body and lit from behind by a running cars
headlights. The camera zooms into his silhouette.
CUT TO BLACK.
EXT. SEPULVEDA NEAR LAX, NIGHT
LAXs multi-colored light towers glow in the sky, and the
camera tilts down. A car drives past the camera and towards
the Sepulveda tunnel.
The car follows the camera through the tunnel.
INT. JOES CAR, NIGHT
Joe, a man wearing pointlessly dark sunglasses, is driving
with a look of determination. The lights from the LAX
tunnel illuminate his face.
EXT. TORRANCE CROSSROADS PARKING LOT, NIGHT
The car pulls into the lot, speeding past rows of parked
cars. It pulls into a parking spot and stops.
The door opens and Joe steps out, removing his sunglasses
and looking straight ahead in awe.
He is then shown to be standing in front of an In-N-Out
Burger restaurant. He walks towards the entrance.
INT. IN-N-OUT, NIGHT
A slow-motion montage of shots shows Joe ordering food and
picking it up from the counter once it is ready. As the
slow motion continues, he sits down and raises the burger
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to his open mouth. Just as hes about to take a bite, his
cell phone goes off, restoring real-time motion.
Frustrated, Joe throws down the burger and reaches for his
phone.
JOE
Oh, for the love of God, what is it now?
He checks the text message and stares in awe at his phone.
The text, from a blocked number, reads, Dude, your house
is on fire.
JOE
Aww crap!
Joe jumps out of his seat as he says this and runs out the
door.
EXT. JOES HOUSE, NIGHT
Joe pulls up to his house, stops and jumps out of his car.
He begins running towards the house, but quickly stops and
sighs, clearly annoyed.
His house is unharmed with no smoke or fire to be seen. The
text seems to have been a prank.
JOEYouve gotta be freakin kidding me.
Joe walks up to his house to make sure everything is all
right. As he gets to the front door, he realizes that its
been left cracked open by someone other than himself.
He cautiously walks inside.
INT. JOES HOUSE, NIGHT
Joe checks around the house for intruders or signs oftheft. He quickly looks under a bed, in the fridge, and
even inside the toilet. After searching most of the house,
he comes upon the downstairs storage room, which has its
door wide open with a banana peel sitting in front of it.
He cautiously walks inside and turns on a single lightbulb,
which only lights a small portion of the room. Suddenly,
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the door slowly closes on its own. Joe hears this this and
immediately turns around.
JOE
Aww hell no! Ive seen WAY too many horror movies to fall
for that one.
He walks out of the room, checks behind the door, and
shrugs as he walks back into the living room. Suddenly, his
phone rings with George Michaels Careless Whisper as the
ringtone. He flinches when it starts up, but calmly takes
out his phone. The caller ID is blocked. Joe answers it.
JOE
Is this the same punk who sent me that text?
There is only silence.
JOE
Hello? Listen close, kid. Think you can get away with this?
NOT ON MY WATCH!! If you EVER pull this crap again Ill--
Suddenly a faint noise comes in on the other end. Joe can
only hear strange noises through a fair amount of static.
JOE
Huh? Hello?
The static and strange noises only continue. After a shorttime they begin to sound like monkey chatter, but theyre
too quiet to truly make out. The static grows louder and so
do the monkey noises, but not by much.
After a few more seconds, the line goes silent. About a
second later, a blood-curdling screech is heard both
through the phone and in the room, and Joe jumps, dropping
the phone. As this happens, the power goes out. He is left
in pitch-black darkness.
Joe fumbles around for a flashlight, breathing heavily andincredibly disturbed. He turns on the flashlight and slowly
looks around the room, shaking all the while.
As he hears a few sudden shifting noises, he whirls around,
trying to find the source of them. During a couple of these
whirls his flashlight shines upon Carlos, but he does not
take notice of the gorilla sitting in his living room. A
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few seconds later, he is grabbed violently from behind. He
screams as he spins around and the flashlight illuminates
Carlos face near his for a split second.
CUT TO BLACK.
[TITLE CARD: THE MONKEY MASSACRE]
EXT. JOES HOUSE, DAY
An investigation has begun at the house, with yellow
caution tape all over. An undercover cop car pulls up to
the house and parks. Officer Quinn steps out and walks
inside.
INT. JOES HOUSE, DAY
Detective Rajani stands over Joes dead body, taking photos
of the crime scene. The room is in disarray, with furniture
and objects thrown around everywhere. Officer Quinn walks
in.
QUINN
What the hell happened to this guy? It looks like Rosie
ODonnell passed gas in here.
RAJANI
All I know is that these wounds werent inflicted by a
human. Theyre too deep and messy. Even weirder: This isour only potential evidence.
Officer Rajani holds up a banana peel. Quinn stares for a
second, smirks, and chuckles as he begins speaking.
QUINN
Detective, homicide is not Blues Clues. Whaddya think? The
banana came to life and mauled this dude?
RAJANI
Are you telling me you didnt hear about the monkey?
QUINN
What monkey?
RAJANI
This monkey.
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Detective Rajani hands Officer Quinn a newspaper clipping.
The headline reads Gorilla escapes from zoo alongside a
photograph of Carlos. Quinn takes a look at it skeptically.
QUINN
First of all, this is about a gorilla, not a monkey
RAJANI
Same thing!
QUINN
Not even close. And second of all, why would a gorilla,
finally free to roam the vast wilds of the earth, decide to
break into this poor fellashome and do THIS to him?
RAJANI
Well, I dunno, but its just um uh
QUINN
Exactly. We dont have a killer gorilla on our hands, I
guarantee it. Now get back to work and find us some
evidence! I dont wanna have to call in Dexter, dude creeps
me out.
Detective Rajani sighs nervously as Officer Quinn walks
out, and he returns to taking pictures.
INT. DETECTIVE RAJANIS HOUSE, NIGHT
Rajani opens the front door and walks in, exhausted and
with wracked nerves. He throws down his gear and grabs a
beer from the fridge. Finally, he sits down and lets out a
sigh as he turns on the television.
A commercial for Jack in the Boxs Mini Buffalo Ranch
Chicken Sandwich comes to an end, and the television shows
Carlos sneaking around with a knife. Rajani becomes
terrified, sure that this is the same monkey that escaped
from the zoo and likely killed Joe. Eventually, Carlos
stabs someone to death, and Rajani freaks out, convincedthat hes just somehow witnessed the gorillas next murder.
After this first murder, the TV quickly shows a montage of
Carlos doing menacing things re-enacting the Heres
Johnny! scene from The Shining, wearing a black hoodie and
hitting someone with a spoon, and even pushing a button and
blowing up Disneyland (terrible special effects utilized
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here). Rajani winces and becomes progressively more
terrified with each event.
Suddenly, the voice of Chuck Testa comes in.
CHUCK TESTA
You probably thought this terrifyingly antagonistic gorilla
was alive. Nope. Its dead. Its been taxidermized by Chuck
Testa.
Chuck Testa walks into the frame, holding Carlos like a
stuffed animal. Rajani is relieved. The commercial
continues to advertise Ojai Valley Taxidermy as he sits
back and finally relaxes, when suddenly the TV shorts out
and turns off.
RAJANI
Oh come on!
He attempts to turn the TV back on but fails to do so.
Frustrated, Rajani plops himself back onto the couch and
stares blankly ahead, sipping his beer. Something then
catches his attention. He looks more closely as he sits up
curiously.
In the window he sees an unidentifiable figure pacing from
side to side, coming in and out of the windows view.
RAJANIHello?
There is no answer, and the figure simply continues pacing.
RAJANI
Whos there? Im with LAPD!
Nothing changes. Rajani takes a gulp and gets nervous. His
voice gets quieter and less confident.
RAJANIhello?
After a couple more paces, the figure exits the windows
view on the right and suddenly paces back to the left, but
this time on the inside of the house. Its Carlos. He
stops, turns to face Rajani, and lunges at him. Rajani
freaks out as he is attacked.
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CUT TO BLACK.
INT. CREEPY EMPTY ROOM, NIGHT
The camera slowly comes into focus, symbolizing Rajanis
returning consciousness. He sits up and looks around,
confused. He is in a nondescript room, which is dimly lit
and mostly empty aside from an unknown object hidden under
a sheet.
He stands up and looks for a way out, but the only door is
locked and wont budge. He decides to see whats under the
sheet; its an old TV. He turns it on.
At first, theres only static. Rajani smacks the TV a few
times, and the static begins to clear up. As it does, there
are a few split-second flashes of various programs mixed
with the static, including My Little Pony and the Max
Headroom signal intrusion.
After a few seconds the static fades, showing Carlos up
close, looking at something out of frame. After a few
seconds, Carlos slowly turns to face the camera. He starts
to chatter menacingly.
RAJANI
What? I cant understand that!
Carlos stops talking for a moment, and then looks down.
INT. CARLOS HIDEOUT, NIGHT
We see the place from which Carlos is broadcasting himself,
and he is facing a large panel of buttons and switches. On
these are various labels, including DEADLY NEUROTOXIN,
PONIES, CONFETTI, TWILIGHT, FRIDAY, IM LOVIN IT, and
SUBTITLES. Carlos seems to be looking for the subtitles
button, as he is new to this control panel.
INT. CREEPY EMPTY ROOM, NIGHT
Detective Rajani sits confusedly, when suddenly Rebecca
Blacks Friday plays for a moment and turns off abruptly.
A second later, a pathetically small burst of confetti
comes down from the ceiling, some of which hits Rajani in
the face. It is accompanied by an out of tune party blower
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sound. He brushes it off of him as Carlos grunts and gets
frustrated. A few seconds pass and the grunting stops.
Carlos turns to face the camera and starts chattering
again.
CARLOS (subtitles)
Hello, Mr. Rajani. I want to play a game.
Rajani sits down nervously and starts taking things more
seriously.
CARLOS (subtitles)
For years, you have to chosen to indulge in needlessly
high-quality foods. Foods that have cost you, and more
importantly your friends, a pretty penny. Your obsession
with maintaining a high standard of eating has sucked the
financial life out of everyone you socialize with. Its
time to learn the value of the value menu.
RAJANI
Oh come on! I never FORCED anyone to
CARLOS (screeching, subtitled)
SHUT UP!!
Rajani flinches and shuts his mouth.
CARLOS (subtitled)
You will not be leaving this room until I feel youvelearned your lesson. This lesson begins with a simple box.
A McDonalds Happy Meal box falls from an unseen opening in
the ceiling, landing in front of Rajani. He stares at it in
disbelief, then faces the television and gestures his
disgust, responding like Derek Zoolander upon seeing the
small-scale mock-up of his proposed learning center.
RAJANI
What IS this???
CARLOS (subtitled)
The keys to your salvation: a cheeseburger, French fries,
and my favorite part, a fun toy. The rules are simple.
Consume the food in front of you and you shall be released.
If your elitist attitude prevents you from doing so, you
shall remain in here, rotting alongside your meal.
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RAJANI
But Im allergic to beef! I cant eat that crap; Ill die!
He stares, terrified, at Carlos for a few seconds.
CARLOS (subtitled)
live or die; make your choice. Let the game begin.
The TV turns itself off. A loud buzzer goes off,
accompanied by a red siren light that begins spinning.
Rajani sits there, worried for a moment, then stands up and
checks his pockets. Much to his surprise, he still has his
iPhone on him. He pulls it out.
RAJANI
Aha! Siri, call Turquoise.
SIRI
Calling Turquoise
The phone rings a few times and a server picks up.
SERVER
Thank you for calling Turquoise, how can I help you?
RAJANI
Id like to order a meal for delivery, please.
SERVEROkay, what would you like?
RAJANI
Ill have the broiled halibut with white wine sauce and
cilantro brown rice.
SERVER
Will that be all?
RAJANI
Yep.
SERVER
Okay, and whats your address?
RAJANI
Just a second.
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Rajani puts the call on hold and goes to the Maps app to
find his current location, repeatedly mumbling current
location to himself. Upon doing so, he realizes that he
only has 1% battery left. He begins to freak out and
quickly finds his location, then gets back on the call.
RAJANI
Okay, hello? hello? Hello?!
His phones battery has died. Rajani stares at it for a
moment as his expression turns to despair. He drops the
phone and falls to his knees.
RAJANI
NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rajani starts twitching and going insane. After a moment,
he lunges for the happy meal box and rips it apart,
throwing its contents everywhere. He grabs the burger and
takes a bite. As he chews, he begins screaming and crying.
After a series of quick cuts of him eating the food, we
suddenly see him lying dead on the floor, covered in blood
and grease.
A moment later, a small, unidentified monkey rides into the
room on a tricycle, wearing a Saw Billy doll mask. It stops
near Rajanis dead body and sings an off-key version of the
McDonalds Im lovin it jingle.
CUT TO BLACK.
INT. LONG HALLWAY, NIGHT
Carlos walks determinedly down a long apartment hallway.
INT. BATHROOM, NIGHT
A woman appears to be preparing to shower. She grabs a
towel and turns on the water.
INT. LONG HALLWAY, NIGHT
Carlos comes upon an unlocked door and opens it.
INT. BATHROOM, NIGHT
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The woman (off-screen) removes her clothes and throws them
into a pile on screen. Suddenly, we see Carlos peeking
through the cracked bathroom door. He slowly opens the door
as we hear the woman get into the shower. He is holding a
knife.
Carlos slowly walks toward the shower curtain, raising the
knife in preparation for the kill. Just as hes about to
fling open the curtain, he stops and puts down the knife.
Instead, he reaches over and flushes the toilet. As he
walks out, the woman freaks out about the sudden change in
temperature. After a moment, she calms down as the water
returns to its normal temperature. No harm has been done.
EXT. RALPHS PARKING LOT, NIGHT
DJ gets out of his car and walks towards the entrance of
Ralphs.
INT. RALPHS, NIGHT
DJ grabs a shopping cart and goes shopping. A montage of
shots shows him grabbing items such as Spongebob macaroni
and cheese, Capn Crunch, and other assorted stuff
including bananas.
He goes to check out using the self-checkout machine. It
gives him trouble, asking him to remove items from the
checkout area and put them back, as its sensors are glitchyand dont work correctly. After a few frustrated attempts,
he finally pays for his food and walks out with it all in
his cart.
EXT. RALPHS PARKING LOT, NIGHT
DJ walks out and stops shortly outside of the doors to have
one of his bananas. We see that Carlos is watching from a
dark corner. Just as hes about to eat the banana, he
notices that its rotten. He acts disgusted and then throws
the banana away, shrugging as he does so.
As DJ turns to face ahead again, Carlos is sitting in front
of him, holding a knife. DJ looks confused and does not
react.
Carlos screeches and goes after DJ. DJ freaks out and
starts running away with his shopping cart, jumping on the
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bottom railing and riding it like a scooter. As he does so,
Carlos jumps into a nearby kids car shopping cart and
starts driving after DJ.
EXT. BACK ALLEY, NIGHT
The two come flying into the back alley behind Ralphs and
the chase continues down the alley. Eventually, DJs cart
loses control and sends him flying. The cart falls over and
spills food everywhere as DJ slams into the ground. Hes
too shocked to pick himself back up and start running.
Carlos continues speeding towards him as he whimpers and
starts breaking down.
Just as Carlos is about to run into DJ with the cart, a
dark figure comes from out of nowhere and stops Carlos
cart. DJ looks shocked and relieved at the same time.
The figure, lit by headlights from behind and only a
silhouette to us, grabs Carlos and ties him up, then slowly
walks towards DJ. His silhouette shows the shape of a
Batman mask.
DJ
B-Batman? BATMAN!!! OH MY GOODNESS THANK YOU SO MUCH I
CANT BELI
The figure comes into a brighter light. It turns out to be
an overweight man in a poorly made Batman costume thatbarely fits him. His name is Josh. He awkwardly stumbles
over his words as if he hadnt spoken in months.
JOSH
All in a days work, citizen.
DJ stares confusedly at Josh, now aware that he is not in
fact Batman. Josh stares back awkwardly for a moment before
taking up his too-small cape and partially covering his
face.
JOSH
I AM THE NIGHT!
Josh takes Carlos and runs off toward the car, making
childish whooshing noises as he does. DJ looks both
confused and disappointed.
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DJ
I feel violated.
INT. JOSHS CARS TRUNK, NIGHT
Josh opens the trunk and excitedly stuffs Carlos inside. He
closes the trunk.
INT. JOSHS CAR, NIGHT
Josh jumps into the car and puts on his seatbelt.
Josh
DUDE THAT WAS SO EPIC!!! Ive always wanted to fight
crime!! Best. Day. Ever.
Josh turns on the engine and puts the car into drive.
EXT. NEARBY STREET, NIGHT
Joshs car comes flying around a corner, screeching and
being driven poorly. He speeds down the street past the
camera.
INT. JOSHS CAR, NIGHT
Josh is driving with LMFAOs Sexy and I Know It blasting
from his speakers. Hes dancing and singing along poorly.
INT. PETERs HOUSE, NIGHT
Peter, an unshaven nerdy man, is sitting with poor posture
on his couch in a bathrobe. Various bits of trash, food,
and other junk litter the room around him. Hes eating a
bowl of cereal and watching television, including the Look
at that horse infomercial, the Hash Slinging Slasher
Spongebob episode, and the Gorilla vs. Luggage
commercial. The phone begins ringing, but he continues
watching TV and eating, ignoring it for a few seconds.
Finally, he sighs frustratedly and picks up the phone.
PETER
Yello?
INT. JOSHS CAR, NIGHT
JOSH
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Peter! Its Josh! Youre never gonna believe what just
happened! Im comin to your house!
INT. PETERS HOUSE, NIGHT
PETER
Whoa whoa whoa, slow down. Whats the problem?
INT. JOSHS CAR, NIGHT
JOSH
I just dealt out some justice! Ive got this homicidal
gorilla and Ive gotta do something with it!
INT. PETERS HOUSE, NIGHT
PETER
Well dont bring it here! Im not even frickin jokin with
you, do not be bringing some dirty stinkin ape into my
pristine abode!
As Peter says this, the camera jump cuts to show a larger
view of the room, which is completely messy and out of
order.
INT. JOSHS CAR, NIGHT
JOSH
No choice. My wife sure aint letting me come home tonightafter spendin 5000 bucks on this Comic-Con outfit!
INT. PETERS HOUSE, NIGHT
PETER
Well what the hell do you plan on doing with the ape?!
INT. JOSHS CAR, NIGHT
JOSH
Gonna interrogate the thing! Im livin the life of asuperhero, baby!
INT. PETERS HOUSE, NIGHT
PETER
Fool, you aint the Dark Knight! Just take it to some back
alley or something!
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INT. JOSHS CAR, NIGHT
JOSH
Not happening. See you in a second!
INT. PETERS HOUSE, NIGHT
PETER
Josh, youre out of your mind! You hear me? You hear me?!
Hello?
Suddenly Peter hears a car screeching from outside. He
jumps up and throws the phone down, then runs over to the
front door and flings it open.
Josh speeds up to his house, nearly crashing in the
process. Peter throws his hands up in disbelief as he
watches. Josh jumps out of the car, grabbing Carlos. Peter
runs outside.
EXT. PETERS HOUSE, NIGHT
PETER
Have you lost your freakin mind?! How many times do I have
to tell you, no pets allowed!!
JOSH
Dude, the landlord will never know.
Josh starts carrying Carlos towards the front door but
Peter tries stopping him, poorly.
PETER
HEY!! HEY HEY HEY!! ARE YOU DEAF?! YOU ARE NOT BRINGING
THIS FILTHY ANIMAL INTO MY HOUSE!!
JOSH
Peter, chill! Tell me the truth, have you EVER wanted to
fight crime?
PETER
Yeah, but you dont have
JOSH
But nothing! Just this once, bro.
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Peter sighs loudly, then gives up.
PETER
Whatever. Just dont get monkey crap on my new carpet.
JOSH
Sweet!!
Josh runs with Carlos past Peter, who remains standing
outside shaking his head impatiently.
INT. BACK ROOM OF PETERS HOUSE, NIGHT
Carlos sits in a chair in the mostly dark room, only lit by
the lamp on the table in front of him. As he stares ahead
blankly, we hear Josh giggling to himself from the
darkness.
We now see the back of Carlos as he stares into the
darkness where Josh is standing, preparing to interrogate
the gorilla.
JOSH
Hehehe, this is gonna be so sweet!! Okay, okay
Josh clears his throat and stops giggling as the camera
stares into Carlos blank eyes. Suddenly, the lights turn
on and Josh slams Carlos head into the table.
JOSH
WHY DO YOU WANNA KILL ME?!
Carlos sits back in his normal position in the seat, silent
and motionless.
JOSH
Not gonna talk, huh
Josh walks over to the other side of the table and takes a
seat in the chair. As he screams his next line, voicecracking, he slams his fist into the table.
JOSH
WHERES HARVEY DENT?!
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Immediately after delivering the line, Josh caresses his
hand and quietly winces in pain, having clearly pounded too
hard on the table. Carlos says and does nothing.
JOSH
Still aint talkin Well how about NOW?
Josh pulls out a bag of Doritos and shakes it tauntingly in
front of Carlos, who does not react. He opens the bag and
stuffs some chips into his mouth.
JOSH
Mmm I LOVE CHEESE! These cheesy, crunchy tortilla chips
are so delicious I bet youd do anything for just one
Carlos does not react. Josh gets frustrated and shoves more
into his mouth.
JOSH
How about now?
Nothing. Josh, almost ready to snap, greedily shoves a
bunch of chips into his mouth, crumpling the bag and
spilling crumbs everywhere as he does, as well as getting
cheese all over his face. He stares at Carlos with anannoyed look for a few seconds, covered in Dorito residue
and looking ridiculous. Carlos stays put.
JOSH
WHY YOU LITTLE...
Josh jumps to his feet and angrily flips the table between
them (in slow motion). After it lands on the floor upside
down or on its side, he stands still staring furiously at
Carlos.
JOSH
If you dont start talking RIGHT NOW, IM GONNA--
Josh is stopped mid-sentence as he starts to choke on
Doritos. After a few seconds straining, he falls over dead.
Carlos turns and stares at his lifeless body for a few
seconds.
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INT. PETERS LIVING ROOM, NIGHT
Peter is still sitting, watching TV. Carlos walks into the
room alone and passes him, going out the front door.
PETER
Good riddance.
Carlos immediately comes back and throws a banana at Peter,
who flinches and overreacts. Carlos leaves.
INT. JOSHS CAR, NIGHT
Carlos gets inside Joshs car, which still has the keys in
the ignition. He looks over and notices a CD folder on the
seat. He picks it up.
Carlos looks through a few of the discs, some of which are
labeled Justin Bieber, Nickelback, and Josh Wylde. He
throws these angrily away, and then finally stops on one
labeled SLAYER. He puts it into the CD player and turns the
key.
As the song Raining Blood starts, we see various shots of
Carlos getting ready to drive off.
EXT. JOSHS CAR, NIGHT
As the thunder just before the first fast riff goes off, we
see an incredibly cheesy flash of lightning outside of the
car. Once the riff begins, Carlos speeds off wildly.
We see a montage of Carlos speeding by, driving recklessly,
and hitting at least one person.
INT. CHURCH SANCTUARY, NIGHT
We see a large cross hanging on the wall of the dimly lit
sanctuary. The camera tilts down to show a church pastorsitting and studying his Bible. We hear the sound of the
church doors opening and he calmly looks up.
DJ walks up to the pastor.
PASTOR
Hello, may I be of service to you?
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DJ
Yes. Im desperately in need of prayer.
PASTOR
Well weve got plenty of that! What for?
DJ
Well I believe my life is in danger. Serious danger.
The pastor takes off his glasses, sits up and leans in,
looking deadly serious and concerned now.
PASTOR
Son, first of all, you need to know: as long as you follow
the Lord, your path is safe, whether in this life or the
next. But of course, not many of us wish to be done with
this one just yet, and thus, I completely understand and
sympathize with your fear. Now, what exactly do you feel is
the danger?
DJ
A monkey is stalking me and wants my life.
The pastor pauses, sighs in disbelief, and then hesitantly
responds.
PASTOR
Son, this is a place for worship, not tomfoolery. Nowseriously, what are you worried about?
DJ
The monkey.
PASTOR
Okay, thats enough joking s
DJ, wide-eyed, grabs the pastor and stares straight into
his eyes.
DJ
IT WANTS MY SOUL.
DJ lets go of the pastor, who now appears annoyed and
impatient. The pastor sits for a moment, thinking.
PASTOR
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Alright, son. While this all sounds like some sort of
evolutionary joke, youll be in my prayers. Your safety is
guaranteed
The pastors last sentence is somewhat sarcastic, but it
flies over DJs head.
DJ
Thank you SO much, Pastor. I feel better already!
PASTOR
Good. Now you wait here, Im just gonna go to the office
and get you some reading materials. Should make you feel
even better. Be right back.
DJ
Alrighty!
The pastor leaves the room and DJ is left sitting alone and
content. One shot later, DJ is fast asleep. After a few
seconds he jolts awake and realizes that the pastor still
hasnt returned. He gets up and goes to check on him.
Upon turning the corner out of the room, he finds the
pastor dead in a gruesome position.
DJ
JESUS CHRIST!!
DJ runs back into the sanctuary, hoping to escape through
the front doors, but finds Carlos sitting at the end of the
aisle near the door. He stops immediately and turns back,
going for the other exit, but finds it suddenly locked. As
he struggles with the door, Carlos comes closer and closer.
He gives up and falls to the ground whimpering and
screaming. Just as Carlos is about to reach DJ, he stops,
turns around, and runs back out the front doors.
DJ
Huh?
Cautiously, DJ gets up and walks towards the front doors.
Just as hes about to reach them, he notices a banana peel
lying on the ground in the hallway next to him. Curious, he
follows it, and finds a trail of banana peels leading
through the church.
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Finally, the peels end at the top of the stairwell leading
to the eagles nest, which is closed. DJ looks around,
gulps, and opens the door.
INT. CARLOS LAIR, NIGHT
DJ slowly walks inside to find that the eagles nest has
been turned into Carlos lair, full of bananas, knives,
photographs of his victims, creepy dolls, Gertrude the Cow,
and various other things. He walks over to the table in the
room and finds something sitting on it. He picks it up and
looks at it more closely.
DJ
Oh my God.
He is holding a map of Disneys California Adventure, which
has various Xs and notes written on it. Attached are
diagrams and other such things, including a list of parts,
a photo of a balcony at the Grand Californian Hotel labeled
FRONT ROW SEATS and a large, circled date and time:
3/3/12, 10:15 PM.
DJ looks at his watch as his eyes widen and his jaw drops.
EXT. MIKES HOUSE, NIGHT
We see the peaceful, quiet front lawn of Mikes house,looking out from the porch. Suddenly, we hear a car
screeching, and DJ screaming hysterically.
DJ
MICHAEL!!!
DJ speeds into the driveway, jumps out of the car, and runs
over to the front door. He knocks on it rapidly.
After a few seconds of DJ fidgeting and jumping around,
Mike opens the door, annoyed.
MIKE
What?
DJ immediately screams his response, speaking so fast
theres barely space between his words.
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DJ
A MONKEYS GONNA BLOW UP DISNEYLAND IN AN HOUR WE GOTTA GO
STOP HIM COME ON COME ON HELP ME NOW PLEASE!!!
Mike stares blankly at him for a few seconds and then
closes the door.
DJ rapidly knocks on the door again.
DJ
MICHAEL I HAVE PROOF!! YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME!!!
Mike opens the door, looking annoyed and impatient.
MIKE
Show me.
DJ pulls out Carlos map, with labels and everything, and
hands it to Mike. Mike stares at it, unconvinced for a few
seconds.
MIKE
Dude, you probably just got drunk last night and made this
as a prank to scare your sober self with later.
DJ
Oh come on! Since when have I ever done anything like that?
MIKEWhen you got hammered and made a box of Cinnamon Toast
Crunch look like it had plans to assassinate your hamster.
The next day you called the cops on it and got fined for
911 abuse.
DJ
Okay well this is different!
MIKE
Sure.
DJ
Fine, if you dont believe me, Ill just go save the
happiest place on earth myself!
DJ starts running frantically back towards his car, but
Mike stops him, frustrated.
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MIKE
DJ, wait!
DJ
What?!
MIKE
If you just HAVE to go, Im going with you. Im not letting
you get into trouble again.
DJ
OH MY GOSH THANK YOU MICHAEL!!
MIKE
Yeah sure whatever. Im just waiting to say I told you so
They get into the car and speed off.
INT. DJS CAR, NIGHT
DJ is driving with motivation while Mike sits around,
bored.
MIKE
So how are you planning on finding this monkey again?
DJ
Remember that hotel balcony we used to watch World of Color
from for free? Hes gonna watch the destruction from there.
MIKE
(sarcastically)
Well isnt that convenient? The one place the monkey is
hiding is the one place at Disneyland we can get to for
free. Doesnt sound very sneaky to me.
DJ
Who cares? We gotta stop him, and Ive got the perfect
thing for it.
DJ pulls out a pair of nunchuks. Mike stares disapprovingly
at him for a moment.
DJ
What?
MIKE
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Like youre gonna get nunchuks past Disneyland security.
DJ
(sigh) Youre probably right...
DJ throws the nunchuks over his shoulder into the back of
the car.
MIKE
Come on, DJ, you really gottaWAIT!!
Mike becomes excited and wide-eyed, pointing ahead of the
car. DJ looks confused for a moment, then notices what
Mikes pointing at.
Theyre about to pass a Krispy Kreme.
MIKE AND DJ
(simultaneously)
LETS GO!!
INT. KRISPY KREME, NIGHT
DJ and Mike excitedly rush through the doors and run up to
the area where they can see donuts being freshly made.
DJ
Oh it smells so delightful in here!
MIKE
It smells like Jesus!
DJ and Mike stare at the machinery, hypnotized by the
slowly moving donuts.
We then see them sitting down at a table with a closed box
full of donuts, both wearing Krispy Kreme hats.
MIKE
Oh man.
DJ
Here we go
They slowly open the box as light pours out from the inside
onto their faces. They look amazed and blissful. Mike
slowly removes a donut from the box and stares at it close
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up. They both watch as he carefully takes a bite, and chews
it in ecstasy. DJ becomes way too excited and reaches for
his own.
We see a slow motion, dream-like montage of the two eating
donuts without a care in the world, with Gerry Raffertys
Baker Street playing in the background.
Suddenly, the music and slow motion stop and we see them
eating donuts like slobs. After a very short moment, DJ
stops and turns to Mike, deadly serious. His mouth full of
donuts, he begins to freak out.
DJ
OH CRAP!!
MIKE
Huh?
DJ
WE GOTTA GO SAVE DISNEYLAND COME ON!!!
DJ spits out the donut and grabs Mike, forcing him to get
up while still eating. He grabs the box as hes pulled away
and they both run back to the car.
INT. DJS CAR, NIGHT
DJ is driving with donut glaze around his mouth as Mikecontinues eating in the passenger seat.
DJ
So whats the plan?
MIKE
You tell me! Im not the one who thinks a monkeys gonna go
jihad on Mickeys house!
DJ
Hmm
DJ continues driving while he thinks.
DJ
We go to the Grand Californian hotel. On the sixth floor is
the Paradise View Terrace, the balcony where the monkeys
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gonna be. At 10:15, he plans to set off the bomb. We get
there before then, and we destroy him at all costs.
MIKE
Sounds like front row seats to you breaking down over the
fact that you just trolled yourself. Im excited.
DJ
Hey, well see whos laughing when a monkey tries STABBING
YOU IN THE FACE!!
EXT. DISNEYLAND PARKING, NIGHT
DJs car drives by and pulls into the parking structure.
He pulls into a spot and stops the car. They both get out,
DJ looking extra determined.
DJ
Here we are
MIKE
Yyyyep.
DJ
What time is it?
Mike looks at his watch.
MIKE
10:01.
DJ
Crap, we gotta hurry!
The two run off.
INT. GRAND CALIFORNIAN HOTEL HALLWAY, NIGHT
Carlos turns a corner and begins walking down the hallway.
We see that hes wearing a backpack. After he passes, the
camera tilts up to show a sign pointing in the direction
hes walking, readingParadise View Terrace.
INT. MICKEY AND FRIENDS TRAM, NIGHT
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DJ and Mike frantically get onto the tram. As the tram
starts moving, DJ gets nervous about how slowly it moves.
DJ
Come on, come on
DJ looks over to see Mike playing Angry Birds on his
iPhone, clearly uninterested in saving the resort from
destruction.
DJ
MICHAEL WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
MIKE
What?
DJ
WERE TRYING TO SAVE DISNEYLAND AND YOURE JUST SITTING
THERE, PLAYING ANGRY BIRDS!
MIKE
And youre being more productive how?
DJ
BY FOCUSING ALL OF MY MANA ON THE TASK AHEAD!
Mike holds back a laugh and shakes his head as he goes back
to playing Angry Birds.
EXT. DISNEYS CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE, NIGHT
A montage of shots shows various locales inside Disneys
California adventure, full of people having fun and unaware
of the danger.
EXT. PARADISE VIEW TERRACE, NIGHT
Carlos walks out onto the balcony and stops at the edge,
admiring the view of the park. He then takes off the
backpack, unzips it, and reaches inside.
EXT. DOWNTOWN DISNEY TRAM STATION, NIGHT
DJ and Mike get off the tram and DJ immediately starts
sprinting off. Mike, clearly not as enthusiastic, yells at
DJ.
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MIKE
Whoa, slow down!
DJ abruptly stops, turns around, and freaks out at Mike.
DJ
MIKE, WHAT TIME IS IT?!
Mike looks at his watch.
MIKE
10:13. Youve got two minutes to (sarcastically) save the
world
Like Tourettes Guy, DJ nearly has a stroke as he spins
around and runs off hysterically, screaming.
DJ
HOLY CRAP!!!
Mike chortles to himself and lazily walks in the same
direction.
EXT. PARADISE VIEW TERRACE, NIGHT
Carlos is holding the detonator. He slowly turns to face
the park and raises his other hand in preparation to push
the button.
INT. GRAND CALIFORNIAN HOTEL HALLWAY, NIGHT
DJ turns a corner and runs down the hallway, frantically
screaming and flailing his arms. He comes to a dead end and
realizes that hes gotten lost, suddenly becoming quiet. He
stands for a moment, looks to have regained his memory, and
runs off in the opposite direction, continuing to freak
out.
EXT. PARADISE VIEW TERRACE, NIGHT
The camera zooms in towards Carlos eyes, reflecting the
lights of the park. His hand slowly inches closer to the
button.
INT. GRAND CALIFORNIAN HOTEL HALLWAY, NIGHT
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We see various shots of DJ running around corners and down
hallways, frantically trying to find the terrace in time.
EXT. PARADISE VIEW TERRACE, NIGHT
Carlos takes one last look at the park and pushes the
button. DJ is too late. However, nothing happens. After a
moment, Carlos pushes the button again. Nothing. Annoyed,
he smacks the detonator a few times, when suddenly, the
World of Color show starts.
After staring at the show for a few seconds, Carlos throws
down the detonator angrily. The back falls off to reveal
that he had forgotten to put batteries into it. Now
realizing what he has to do, Carlos reaches into the
backpack and takes out some batteries. He puts them into
the detonator and reaches for the button.
Suddenly, we hear DJs muffled screaming, and it is getting
louder. Carlos pauses and turns around.
INT. GRAND CALIFORNIAN HOTEL HALLWAY, NIGHT
DJ sprints past the Paradise View Terrace sign and towards
the door to the balcony.
EXT. PARADISE VIEW TERRACE, NIGHT
DJ runs onto the balcony and finds the backpack anddetonator lying on the ground. Carlos is not in sight. DJ
kneels down to pick up the detonator, when suddenly Carlos
hits him in the head from behind. He falls to the ground
and begins to pass out. As we see DJs blurring point of
view, Carlos looms over him and chatters to him.
CARLOS
(subtitled)
When Disneyland is ashes you have my permission to die.
The shot blurs and fades to black as DJ passes out.
INT. GRAND CALIFORNIAN HOTEL ELEVATOR, NIGHT
Mike walks into the elevator and pushes the button. He
looks down and notices a scrap of paper on the floor. He
picks it up. On it is scribbled Meet me in room 237 at
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midnight.
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No homo, bro. Its cool.
MIKE
Ohhh! Alright, its cool.
They both hug each other happily as the finale to World of
Color begins. They turn to watch the show from the balcony.
EXT. WORLD OF COLOR SHOW, NIGHT
We see a short montage of shots from the ending to World of
Color. Eventually the show comes to an end.
EXT. PARADISE VIEW TERRACE, NIGHT
MIKE
So what now?
DJ
Im feelin In-N-Out.
MIKE
Lets do it.
They both walk out of frame, back into the hotel hallway.
The camera continues rolling to show the post-show lighting
of World of Color in the background.
FADE TO BLACK.
[CREDITS]
INT. IN-N-OUT, NIGHT
DJ and Mike are sitting at In-N-Out, eating their burgers.
MIKE
Dude, In-N-Out is so much better when youve just saved the
world.
DJ
Totally, I know that feel bro.
Suddenly, Mikes phone beeps. He takes it out and checks
the text message. His expression goes from content to
gravely concerned.
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DJ
Dude, whats wrong?
MIKE
My house is on fire.
CUT TO BLACK.
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