volume 7, issue 1
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Do you smell that? Take a deep breath… It’s the most wonderful time of the year, if I can borrow from Eddie Pola for a moment. But unlike him, I am not referring to Christmas. In point of fact, I refer to the new school year and it’s overtly distinctive scent of fresh blood. As much as I dislike the Twilight undertones of that statement, what I am getting at is the incoming freshman class, specifically the ladies. Yeah, I said it. And if you were in the room with me, you would have seen the inappropriately sexual leer on my freshly mustachioed face. Now, I in no way mean to slight the gentlemen of the new class, however, for my particular case, they don’t suit my fancy. They don’t float my boat, if you will, not that I have a boat to float…or do I? If you’re a lady reading this, the answer is yes, I do have a boat – a 78 foot schooner that, in honor of Pea Tear Gryphon (haha) The S.S. More Powerful Than a Locomotive, Stronger Than Lions, Swifter Than Eagles in the Hotel California. In all “seriousness,” I really would like to give the incoming class a few key pieces of advice that I have learned in my decade of being a student here. First and foremost is this – don’t be too concerned with all those people who keep telling you that you really need to “go to class.” Those kinds of people are what I call Don and Debbie Downer. They just want you to be miserable like them. I suggest picking only one day per week to attend class. Second
– alcohol poisoning** is a great way to help your pre‐med friends to sharpen up their doctoring and emergency response skills. Although I personally have never achieved a status of alcohol poisoning, I’ve seen many a time when someone on the verge has gone over or “peed” on the floor, or bitten a friend, or hit on hookers, or babbled incoherently kind of like I’m doing now…oh crap.a/aw eopzxkc;oi nzxcoivn asldks’iq aleiksnzlkx a;naoiqwn,mzxc a aowien;zxc;n a;. Third, and this probably the most important, especially for the ladies, is this – no matter what happens during your time here, I’m here for you. I hope to be‐come very close with all, no wait – SOME – of you. Think of me as a sort of mentoring figure, except I won’t be mentoring you so much as staring at you through that peep‐hole in your bathroom that you thought was where a screw for your towel bar just accidentally fell out of the wall and nobody thought to replace it because, let’s face it people these days are really, really lazy so you never gave it a second thought until I mentioned it just now. If you feel like you don’t need a mentor, then I guess you can think of me as that one really creepy uncle that you hate to see at the family reunion because you’re absolutely sure that he is a pedo‐phile or a retired porn star and you always catch him looking at you in a slightly sexual manner especially
Continued on page 3
By: Samuel Clemens
Volume 7, Issue 1 Newspaper Carrier Day
September 4, 2009
Angelo State’s Finest Paper Since Fall 2006
perm
anent sign
for a
temporary office
Picture of the week
Standard Generic First Issue Headline
“I’m going home to eat...food. as opposed to last night...”
Quote of the Week
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George Ferguson’s Ramdiculous Reader Involvement
Each week, or occasionally, our old “rant man” G‐Ferg will be challenging you, the Ramdiculous Readers to write an article about a RANDOM topic. Are you ready to take the challenge? You will win things, you never know, it could be a t‐shirt or a trip to the Bahamas or even a new CAR!!! The choice to par‐ticipate is yours and yours alone… now enter the Temple of George Ferguson’s nightmares, here is your first challenge...
Texas Tech has a water park, Angelo State has pastureland.
Why has this happened?
O b a m a F i l e s If you’ve been watching the news, you are probably up to date on the health care reform proposals that President Obama supports, and you probably know about his family vacation to Martha’s Vineyard, but here is something you probably haven’t heard be‐cause the news networks are too scared to talk about it. President Barack Obama was actually born a woman! He had a sex change operation when he was twelve years old. It turns out he was actu‐ally born Victoria Obama. Barack was his brother who had died a year prior to the operation, so when Victoria became a man, he/she just took his/her brother’s name. Our President isn’t the real
Barack Obama! This changes everything. Now we know that our President has been lying to us and to the entire world this whole time. What does that say about his charac‐ter? Not to mention what does that say about Michelle? Does she even know? All these questions are left hanging because until
now, no one has had the balls to print this story, but I’m doing it. It’s time the world knew the truth. Our Presi‐dent is a tranny, and if you think I’m making this stuff up, go look at the proof yourselves at www.obamaisawoman.com & www.obamasexchange.com. The truth is there, and it’s frightening.
Hello, this is the story of some misfit adventures that all began by answering the ques‐tion of the week for Ramdicu‐lous, it should make you laugh, it should make you cry from laughing so hard to the point where you piss your pants as well. Not all of these things will be from actual events coming from my life. This column will also have random thoughts and insights that I have had. Now to all of you that are new here and all of you that are coming back I wish you welcome the only way I know how… TACOS RULE!!!!
Life is full of hardships and pleasures and tacos is one of the only things that can do both to you in the same day. First off you have the pleasure of eating a wonderful taco with the spici‐est sauce available and then after a fun filled day of cow tip‐ping and hanging out with ho‐bos you find yourself on the nearest human waste disposal
unit screaming for mercy and then a squirrel ran by window being chased by a guy in run‐ning shorts and a hair o’ the dog pub shirt screaming I know you stole it… sorry my ADD just kicked in, where was I? Oh yeah the screaming about how the burning sensation from the digested taco evacuating your bowls? What too many people do in life though is put all their attention on the burning sensa‐tion in the exit hole of their colon that they lose sight on how they had enjoyed the deli‐cious taco in the first place. Now don’t get me wrong like the good times but the bad times help me remember all the good times that I have had with friends and complete strangers that later invoked a restraining order that makes me stay at least 50 yards away. Until next week folks.
‐Captain FuzzyBeard
The Fuzz
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during the summer when you wear a lot of really short skirts and then there was that one time that you woke up in the
middle of the night because you really had to pee and he was standing in the doorway looking at you and smoking a cigarette so you could just make out the outline of his 70’s porn ‘stache and you pretended that you were still asleep hoping he would just go away and when he finally did you had already peed in your bed. So, once again – welcome to the greatest time of you life, as cliché as that sounds. **Ramdiculous Page does not condone underage alcoholism or other chemical dependence.
Continued from cover
Ram Jam
(5 February 2009, India) For lottery agent Pravin Kuse, his number was up when he followed his dream and decided to dig for a pot of gold. A bachelor, Kuse, 32, lived with his brother's family in Vasai, India. According to his aged mother, Kuse had learned in a dream that an ancient pot of gold was buried beneath his aban‐doned 100‐year‐old house, located a few meters from his current residence. He warned his mother not to tell anyone about the dream, fearing that it would result in a fight over the fortune.
Some legends hold that a pot of gold lies at the end of the rain‐bow. But Kuse's dream told him to dig beneath the staircase of the old house. After lunch, every day without fail, Kuse would take his spade and dig a few meters fur‐ther beneath the stairs.. This inno‐vative gold‐digger had even pur‐chased a toy car and attached a flashlight to it to assist him while
digging in the dark. The neighbors had no idea that days and nights of digging had resulted in a 15‐foot deep tunnel.
One day Kuse did not return home. His worried relatives lodged a missing persons com‐plaint and police were dispatched to the old house. Within a few hours, an earthmover had exca‐vated Kuse's body from the debris. At a depth of 15 feet, the soil be‐comes moist due to its proximity to the sea. and it was determined that the floor of the house had caved in over Kuse. Authorities registered a case of accidental death and recovered the spade and the innovative mobile flash‐light from the site.
In searching for a pot of gold, Kuse may not have had the luck of the Irish, but he does have the distinction of winning a Darwin Award.
‐ ‐ ‐ NOTE: If you're going to
search for a pot of gold, 'tis better to follow a legend than a dream. Irish folklore holds that a lepre‐chaun keeps his fortune in a pot of gold and must give it anyone who follows the correct procedure. If you are feeling lucky, here's how to get it:
** Listen for the sound of a hammer. Leprechauns often keep busy by making a shoe for an elf.
** Sneak up on the lepre‐chaun. He will be absorbed in his work and will not hear you.
** Hold on to the lepre‐chaun, hold tight and don't let go.
** Keep your eyes on the lepre‐chaun. He will do anything to get you to look away for a sec‐ond, and if you do, he will disap‐
pear into the mist. ** Threaten him if he resists
telling you where his pot of gold is hiding.
** Make the leprechaun take you to his pot of gold. You will
find it at the end of the rainbow.
Darwin Awards————‐Pravin Kuse
We are your voice, the voice of the Students of Angelo State. Be heard, we would like to know what you love about ASU, what you hate about ASU and what you think needs to be changed around here. We are here for
YOU!
If you have a comment, complaint, concern, or question, don’t hesitate to contact us. Via email sga@angelo.edu, via phone
(325) 942‐2063, via our suggestion box in the UC, in our office UC 133 or even come attend our meetings at 6 PM on Monday nights.
ONE FREAKING CHAIR? The sweet smell of fresh hor‐
mones filled the campus on move‐in day. People of all shapes, sizes, col‐ors, and odors bustled back and forth from the parking lots to their new dorms, eager to get settled in. I was among the eager beavers, yet not among the odiferous ones. I knew that I got a private room, but as I took the temperamental elevators up to my floor in Concho Hall, I was struck with a sense of anxiety. I had no idea what to expect when I got to my new dorm.
As I walked down the hall to‐ward my door (which reminded me of a prison corridor), I fumbled around for my new key. Slowly push‐ing the door ajar, I stepped inside to make a measured critique of my living quarters for the year. Two pull‐out couch/bed mechanisms (strange, but acceptable). Two closets (score! extra space!). Two shelves (not too shabby). Two desks (definitely con‐venient). And... ONE chair?? Two desks, but only one chair?! Oh, the inhumanity!! Why, in sweet cobbler's name would I get two desks whilst being deprived of a second chair?
This made no sense to me. I under‐stand that Concho Hall rooms were just recently made into private rooms; but was it entirely necessary to remove the chairs of the inhabi‐tants? I think not. Where did they move all the chairs, anyway? Perhaps there is a room hidden deep in the depths of the UC's basement that the maintenance folk have transformed into a "Concho chair hide‐out". They are hording the chairs for their own purposes!
I'll almost bet your mother's life that the maintenance people are down in that imaginary basement, having a tea party and sitting on the chairs that have been cruelly ex‐tracted from my room, as well as the rooms of many of my acquaintances. I, for one, will not stand for this injus‐tice! Or, rather... I have no choice but to stand, considering I don't have the proper furniture to sit. I vow to one day find out where those chairs have gone. And if you are the culprit be‐hind the master chair‐thieving plot... I will find you. And politely ask for my chair to be returned.
Yours truly, Pseudo Nim
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Walking into the locker room to someone bent over washing their hind end with the water
pounding their crack
Awkwardness... now an interactive media
experience
ramdiculous.com/store
In the Year Two Thousand annnnnnnnnnd One Recently during the summer I
underwent Lasik eye surgery. I know it is a bit of a stretch for someone like me who made their name publishing mathe‐matical satire in the 19th to early 20th century to have undergone such a so‐phisticated procedure. If you think that's crazy, did you also know that my middle name is Abbott? However, after the procedure was done I began to real‐ize that we as a society have come quite a distance in terms of technology. Sud‐denly, not only was my vision clear, I no longer had to worry about touching my cat inappropriately while I searched for my glasses in the morning. And then just the other day one of my friends had mentioned that I looked like a professor on campus simply 20 years younger. All these thoughts got me to thinking about the future...
The future Edwin?!!! (raucous applause follows after
shining a flashlight under my chin) Yes, fellow Ramdiculoholics, all the
way into the year 2001! In the year twwwooo thous‐
sandddd andd oneeee Over two thirds of the songs on the
radio will belong to the Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga, or Kelly Clarkson. The rest will be a permanent loop of Barry Manilow's great hit “Copa Cabana”.
In the year twwwooo thous‐sandddd andd oneeee
After years of spending millions of taxpayer dollars, scientists will finally prove that “I can't believe it's not but‐ter” is indeed not butter. This discovery will come shortly after it is revealed that Heidi Montag has no singing ability whatsoever.
In the year twwwooo thous‐sandddd andd oneeee Several millionaires begin to partake in cow‐tipping, partly to debunk it is a myth and partly out of sheer boredom. It sparks a reality series, where the contestants attempt to tip cows with the fewest number of people possible. It is appropriately dubbed “Cash Cows” and Donald Trump wins the inaugural sea‐son.
In the year twwwooo thous‐
sandddd andd oneeee Facebook will be replaced when
people learn to telepathically communi‐cate with each other. Equally awkward is the newly accepted social norm of actually physically poking people to replace the standard greeting that was known as “hello”.
In the year twwwooo thous‐sandddd andd oneeee(voice cracks)
At the Olympics, Usain Bolt breaks the world record in the triple jump on his first try and incredibly manages to celebrate in mid air during every jump while doing so. Immediately afterwards Michael Phelps morphs into a dolphin, and millions of people cry as he is re‐leased into the ocean on national TV while the theme song to Free Willy plays in the background.
Thank you everyone for joining me as we glimpsed into the future, hope‐fully yours is bright and full of many wonderful years! Here's to a great re‐mainder of 2009 and even better 2010!
Enjoy Ramdiculous! —Edwin A. Abbott
Classifieds
For Sale 1998 Jeep Wrangler
$5500 OBO Call (512) 567-4460
New Bump It
$15 Call (325) 245-3400
50 Golf balls
$5 Call (325) 514-5619
CRT TV—24”
$40 Call (209) 752-7384
Mug W/ Yogi Tea
$1 Call (325) 212-0379
Bubble Wrap
$1 Call (325) 212-0379
Classifieds
We are now running classi-fied ads in the Ramdiculous Page, this is a service to the students of ASU, please email ads@ramdiculous.com to insert your free classifieds (max one per student)
5
ADVERTISE WITH US. If you would like your ad to appear in the
Ramdiculous Page, please contact us at ads@ramdiculous.com
Advertising Guidelines 1. Deadline for ads to be submitted is 1:00pm the Tuesday
before publication. 2. Ads will be received only if they are complete. Ramdiculous
Page will not create any ads. 3. Ad size will not exceed one‐quarter of a page. 4. Organizations/events may have more than one ad, but no
organization/event will be allowed more than one‐quarter of a page in ad space.
Ramdiculous Page will not advertise for any off‐campus event except in certain circumstances,* or anything of questionable nature. This includes but is not limited to:
alcohol
drugs
tobacco
illegal activities *Exceptions to this rule will be determined the staff of Ramdiculous Page WRITE FOR THE
RAMDICULOUS!!!
Contact us at: page@ramdiculous.com
PERKS
FREE FOOD Fun activities
Sweet name badges Participate in podcasts
Resume builder Ride in limos
Go sledding in spring Play Ramdiculous golf
The most important thing you need to know about Sean is that he works at Pinkie’s, so if you need the booze hook‐up, he’s your guy. Besides that though, it’s also worth men‐tioning that he’s a crazy anar‐chist who wants to murder you in your sleep*. Sean’s best at‐tribute is his nose. It’s a very cute nose. He also has a sexy elbow. Seriously, just try to look at his elbow without lust‐ing. It’s hard; I can’t do it. He’s a good guy to hang out with, he’ll make you laugh, and like I said earlier, he works at Pinkie’s which instantly makes him a good friend to have. Eve‐ryone give him a high‐five and check out his elbow if you see him around. *Part of this statement is an exaggeration, and
part is just plain not true.
RAM OF THE WEEK
Re
su
min
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Se
pt
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Sean Fuller
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The above images are from the Microsoft’s home page, notice the one on
the top is the US Site, and the bottom one is the Polish Site… apparently either the Poles don’t like black people or
Microsoft wasted a lot of money
http
://w
ww
.ram
dic
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us.c
om/d
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Top Ten
10. Football Games 9. UCPC’s Club Cafe 8. Eat food 7. Volleyball Games 6. Read at the Library 5. Read the Ramdicu‐
lous Page
4. Ice Cream Floats on Thursday
3. Disc Golf 2. Go to class 1. Read the
Ramdiculous Page in class...
Things to do at Angelo State
What is the difference?
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The Incredible Question
What do you wanna read in the Ramdiculous this year?
Your mom.
The most exciting event of the week,
whether it's wild, fun, or whatever.
i want to hear about the awkward situa‐tions that people
get themselves into
how about the horrible story in where i hit the town and ended up in austin in the care of
hobos
Who’s This?
Jump online to tell us who this
is… RAMDICULOUS.COM
Last Weeks Correct Submissions
ONLY??? Kim Perez Cogsworth
oh, you know, Ram‐diculous things. Other than the parking zones, we all know they suck.
R A M D I C U L O U S P A G E P O L I C Y Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University System or this newspaper. We welcome all letters. Please include your name, position, and an email address. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, page@ramdiculous.com or website www.ramdiculous.com. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration or the Ramdiculous Page. By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook and/or Myspace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable, unless expressed in writing. If you are an professor you need not worry, we will not use your profiles.
Sudoku
Ramdiculous Observances Saturday
Be late for something day (too bad there’s no class)
Sunday Salami Day
(see page one {photo})
Monday
Google Commemoration Day (too bad it’s Labor Day or
Google Yourself)
Tuesday International Literacy Day
(teach a child to read, use the Ramdiculous Page)
Wednesday
Wonderful Weirdoes Day
Thursday
Swap Ideas Day (how about music files?)
ALL ABOUT STEVE 2:05 4:50 7:30 10:10
EXTRACT
2:35 5:10 7:45 10:20
GAMER 1:50 4:25 7:00 9:35
HALLOWEEN 2
2:20 5:00 7:50 10:40
FINAL DESTINATION:
DEATH TRIP ‐ REAL D 3D 2:15 4:45 7:15 9:45
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
2:10 4:00 5:50 7:40 9:30
TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE 1:55 4:35 7:35 10:30
Movie Times
Movie Review
HELLO ANGELO STATE UNIVERSITY! School has started up and that means so has this awesome paper called THE RAMDICULOUS PAGE!!!!!
As I always I, your Awe‐some Movie Reviewer‐Guy, am here to express to you what film to go and see in the up coming week. I do my best not to spoil and give you my view on the movie we are talking about for the week. Normally I go and watch the requested movie but consid‐ering no one voted, I picked. BTW if you want to vote send your vote to page@ramdiculous .com. Now this week's film is HAL‐LOWEEN II.
Rob Zombie does a great job with this re‐make of a classic 80's horro film. I was very pleased and as a horror
film lover I was not disap‐pointed at all. Zombie takes a psychological approach, therefore making it a lot more possible and real of this actually happening in real‐life, into why Michael Meyers does what he does. The twist at the end was AMAZING and I look forward to what direction Zombie is going to take HALLOWEEN III. I give HALLOWEEN II 15 funnel cakes out of 15. Have a great 3 day weekend this Labor Day and Party it up because next break is in No‐vember with Thanksgiving. Dueses ASU!
‐Smitty McSmitherson
Tyberius Rex O'Toole the Third from the Golden Forest
of Gnome, Alaska
Halloween II
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