women as empowered learners and leaders: looking back
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Women as Empowered Learners and Leaders: Looking Back
My educational journey began 15 years ago. Having graduated from high school at 16
years of age, I was 17 years old, sitting in a Calculus class at Springfield Technical Community
College, twirling my engagement ring around my finger. It almost seemed too big for my finger;
would it be overthinking to attribute some sort of symbolic meaning to this observation: that
maybe adult life was a little too loose for my tiny feet? I had no idea what I wanted to do with
my life and walked around with a head and heart full of many wistful ambitions; doctor, lawyer,
writer, psychologist. Like many at such a young age, I was in desperate need of guidance and
procedural, step by step learning for life itself; the evasive concepts that extend beyond the
academics and cant be taught in the classroom, or could they?
I struggled through many semesters, frustrated because IQ tests and sporadic stellar
performances indicated I was capable of doing anything I wanted, yet I was lost in a whirlwind
of facts, mental catalogs filled with decades of information, facts and observations constantly
being organized. I was forced to withdraw from many classes, changed my major many times
from Mathematics, to Pre-Medical, to Psychology, and even took a handful of writing classes
and contemplated philosophy, law, social work/counseling, or the path of a starving artist: a
Masters in Fine Arts for creative writing. I was no closer to finding my purpose after 10 years of
college attendance. If anything, I felt like even more of a failure, irreparably malfunctioned with
so many withdrawals and failed attempts to complete classes despite excellent grades and
retentions on the assignments I could complete. At the age of 27 (5 years ago), I was diagnosed
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with Autistic Spectrum, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and a profound Central
Auditory Processing Disorder. This was actually a defining moment because it meant,
theoretically, a bridge could be formed, utilizing my many gifts to forge a path across the abyss
that was my many weaknesses and deficits. There are some things we cant change about
ourselves. I cant understand what I hear; to this day, even after 5 years of twice weekly
sessions, I still operate on a 2-8 second delay before understanding of what I have heard finally
registers. I saw a glimmer of hope, that maybe I wasntterminally defective, but still I was quite
lost with regard to direction. In all these years of stumbling about the cascade of racing
thoughts-many productive but too much to contain inside one head at any given time- I still had
no idea what I really wanted to do with my life. As I entered Bay Path last year, a college junior,
with 3 children, with not only severe and vast learning disabilities but also a degenerative,
progressively crippling rare spinal cord disorder to now try and fit even more, into some non-
existent plan of what I was going to be; the plan for my life that still squirmed and recoiled from
contact, evading my desperately seeking eyes. I saw the problem before me as a pragmatic
logical formula that cried out to be solved. I considered the many factors, my children, my
abilities, my declining ability to walk, and of course the ever present, slightly odd personal
presentation that has Autism to thank. As far as I was concerned, it was so blatantly apparent: I
would work in a lab where I wouldnt stick out so much, where I could handle the job duties
intellectually, and maybe this would be something I could do in a wheelchair. It all seemed to fit
my needs and abilities quite nicely.
And then there was Bay Path College, and the WELL program, the last and final stop on
my runaway train to no-mans-land. Bay Path would not accept my pragmatism or logic as a
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substitute for true purpose. Bay Path would not allow me to think in terms of a sick person
seeking the most logical solution. If the collective mission of our campus was not powerful
enough to sway me to the side of passionate pursuit flinging the purity of logic to the side; well,
then there was the WELL program. There were two classes left, two more opportunities to
force me to look inside for answers and be okay and celebrate what came of that exploration.
As I watched my campus community pour over from the front of classrooms into each and
every student, everyone from public safety officers to the book store clerks, to the president
herself, Bay Path practiced what it preached, passionate and unwaveringly persistent in their
contribution to my life and education. I realized that logic could not tell me in what ways I can
give back to my community, nor was logic synonymous with truly believing that what I had to
offer was worthwhile, desirable, and necessary. There would be no more hiding behind raw
ability which had always been easier than having to believe in myself, or the ultimate extension
of self-love: daring to assert that belief of myself to others around me. My six weeks in
WELL310 taught me that it only hurts, but for a moment. When that moment unravels and
fades away, as it is merely an inherited slave to the demands of time, I found beauty left in its
place; a monument of my strength erected where fear once lay. Public speaking, presentations,
and *GASP* a cover letter and resume that boasted of my talents and abilities. The only thing
worse than those was the assignment where I had to tell a fictitious potential employer, You
want me, and let me tell you why, on video tape as my partner and I recorded our mock video
interviews. This was a nightmare come true for me, for all of my insecurities that had long since
taken over feeding instructions to the physical presence that navigated life. I felt like more of a
bystander, powerless and at the mercy of these deeply rooted insecurities. In 30 years I never
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dared to wonder if I had something somebody wanted, or needed; instead I settled for a long
but flimsy list of things I could do well. The WELL310 experience for someone like me was life
shattering and liberating all at once, in the same breath I had been holding for 5 weeks. I felt
incredibly uncomfortable with myself, to such an extent that I truly struggled to write positive
things about myself, spending 8 hours on that cover letter to a potential graduate school
program. But I did it. That is to say I gave myself over to truth. I believed in Bay Paths mission
and the mission and goals of the WELL program enough to put one shaky, hesitant foot in front
of the other, writing line after line of my favorable personal attributes; one foot in front of the
other to the front of my WELL classroom to present my career portfolio. I faked it until I truly
did make it as I told Dr. Lauren Way, my WELL310 instructor during my junior year. I had used
that phrase often throughout my adult years, but sadly, before this experience I was still faking
it.
For many younger students, WELL teaches prepares them for the next steps in their life,
those that are rushing dangerously close as they reach the completion of their college years. It
is a path of self-discovery, learning responsibility, breaking down fears and barriers and
teaching young woman how to stand tall, strong and unwaveringly as they present themselves
unashamed; as they prepare and hone their gifts, gleaming what adult life will look like. For
me, WELL has been a journey of assimilation; a joining of the talents I knew I entered in with,
but also weaving my unique essence and passions between each of these morsels and wrapping
them neatly with a bow, ready to present to the world. I was drawn to an unfamiliar, whole
hearted faith that these things I had to offer were both desirable and ought to be coveted.
Most importantly my Bay Path and WELL experiences taught me something I could never
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fathom on my own, the idea that what I was, what I had inside of me, my passions and sense of
justice were plain necessaryto the community around me. It has always been hard for me to
see myself or anything I had to offer as necessary; as if many important things hinged upon my
offertory. WELL forced me to see beyond a logical decision of what I do with proficiency,
instead I began to see myself as discussed in the 310 book, Great Career, Great Work by
Stephen Covey. I saw my life as that Venn diagram described, four perpendicular, overlapping
ovals (talent, conscience, passions, and societal need) the convergence at the center of all four
was where my unique contributionlay. Unique is not a word to be taken lightly, it truly refers to
something indigenous ONLY to me; something no one else on this earth could ever replicate
being unable to feign the 3 factors that created the unique center I was needed to fill . I had
never considered myself as having such a unique contribution before Bay Path, or the WELL
program, and this knowledge only proved to deepen my sense of moral obligation to the
community around me, to such an extent I grappled with my plans with deep conflict as I
entered this semester of my senior year.
I was mentally set to attend a graduate program in Neuroscience; more specifically I had
decided to pursue neuroendocrine research. Shamefully I had before me, a long list of potential
graduate labs, all fascinating to me but this path demands that we choose one minute area of
neuroscience, often with only one avenue through which we pursued answers, humans, mice,
birds, even zebra fish; just one. I almost felt as if I was flipping a coin amidst so many things I
would love to do, and likely would do well. That one decision, the coin flip, sets in motion a
series of events that destines you to swim in that one tiny puddle for many years to follow. And
in the few seconds it took to reach in the hat and pull out a number, I had all my logical ducks in
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a row, but once again, I wasnt following the WELL rules. How quickly even the older and wiser
women wander from the truth when left to their own devices. I clung to comfort, to the plan
and put one foot in front of the other upon that path to being a scientist. All the pieces seemed
to fit together so nicely, expect it wasnt my unique contribution. It wasnt the one thing I had to
offer that no one else could do like I could. My plan was paper perfect and effectually
meaningless. It lacked integration of my compassion for others, my passion for young adults
and teens at the heavily embroidered junction of transition in their lives. My plans to be a
scientist left me unable to touch people, be intimate, or to read them with such clarity it is as if
I am feeling their emotions in my own being; my ability to be a chameleon and adapt as years of
undiagnosed autism forced me to do from such a young age. My fixation of choice as an
autistic child was people, full and rich with so many staggering combinations of expressions,
word choices, actions, inaction, and interaction. I catalogued it all to such an extent I would
wonder how much of empathy is an intangible emotional quality as opposed to an input output
machine with a 20 year old database to draw off of, the process refined over time now lightning
fast. Regardless of where it comes from, it is simply me. I love all knowledge and loathe the
practice of resigning oneself, indefinitely (or forever?) to a specific model organism, in a
microscopic area, of a sub-science, of a specific field of science, distinguished as one of the
biological sciences. I wanted to mull over thoughts of varied disciplines and connect them
together seamlessly, engage others, even argue from time to time wrapped in the blind heat of
philosophical passion. To me, math, science, law, psychology, philosophy and even writing are
all born of the same mental process, merely different in the superficial manifestations of the
same root existence. It seemed like such a shame to decide to work with neuro-estrogens, with
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song birds, in neuroendocrinology, in neuroscience, which is one of the biological sciences. A
commitment to such a thing is against everything that makes me who I am, defies my passions
mentally and intellectually. There are so many other facets of the whole that is on display all
around us; so many dimensions wasted, lost, out of reach from this tiny hole I created myself,
obscuring the intoxicating light show that danced all around me.
When conflict reached its peak I fought and twisted, maybe so much that fate created
its own obstacles to make sure I wouldnt miss the train. I began formally tutoring Math Physics
and Writing, at the same time I contemplated changing my major to Biology. I was
overwhelmed with a gift I never realized I possessed. So many years of not understanding what
I hear and I literally see everything around me, concepts in a lecture as intertwined imagery, all
a part of a larger unit; pieces of a map when if missing leave one hopelessly lost. Without even
meaning to I offered this to my peers, analogies, visuals, the thread that connected scattered
pieces that seemed impossible for them to memorize. I took those pieces and created a picture
we fondled and twisted about together. I felt alive; I felt whole-maybe really for the first time
ever. My WELL400 capstone project only fueled the fire that was raging within as we discussed
educational performances in our country, students lacking writing abilities as they enter
institutions of higher education; many from high school, illiterate. Our WELL400 students, set
ourselves to the task of designing a web resource for a local high school. As I surveyed our
handiwork with pride and admiration for the classmate that created the framework from her
own vision, as I watched the gratitude of high school administration and faculty I couldnt help
but think how many more out there need someone to teach them, to pour passion and gifts
into their academic and closely paralleled personal lives as they embark on difficult transitions.
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I created an eportfolio which includes a wide array of work samples, that are quite
eclectic; because this is what I am. And in many respects, this hunger to understand everything
around me, to open my scope of vision to include every single facet, is what makes me unique.
This desire to see the world as one functioning unit is what caused me to change my graduate
plans, now pursuing a Masters in Education. My passion is to show others how everything
around us is interconnected, interwoven and impossible to separate for inspection without
consideration of the whole. I hope to open students eyesto this type of world they live in, one
where every field of study, every culture and person intertwined and tightly woven together. I
hope to instill a hunger in those I continue to tutor and teach. Ironically enough, almost 6 years
ago I began to homeschool my three children, strengthening my skills an ability to meet a
student where they are and manipulate material and make sense of the pieces as a part of the
collective whole; all the while not realizing that the same was true of my adventure that had yet
to begin, the many pieces of me and the catalyst (Bay Path and WELL), at the right time, would
come together and my unique contributionrevealed. I am quite certain that such an awakening
would still be obscured by fear and insecurity if it werent for my WELL experiences, liberating
the many things I was unaware of, hidden inside of me.
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