attachment

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There’s God, There’s You, There’s Me, &

There’s US ! Putting the Pieces Together

Women Healing from Betrayal

CONTACT US www.LakePointe.org/HEAL

© 2014 Elizabeth Davis, MA, LPC - All Rights Reserved.

Helping You Heal with God’s Love !

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“Those who go to God Most High for safety will be protected by the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “You are my place of safety & protection. You are my God and I trust you.” ”




God promises to be our Safe Haven Psalm 43, Psalm 91

The Sacred Romance -- “Lover of our Soul”

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God, the Father

Our Safe Haven

Centered Self

Becoming a Safe Haven

Your Family

Building A Safe Haven

You are Chosen I am Chosen I Choose You

You are Beloved I am Beloved I Call You Beloved

You can Trust Me I can Depend on God You can Depend on Me

I AM Attuned to You I am Worthy I Reflect Your Worth to You

I AM Available to You I am emotionally, spiritually, & physically

Available to God

I am emotionally, spiritually & physically

Available to you

I Respond to You I Respond to God I Will Respond to your bids for connection

and repair

I Provide comfort, security, love, play,

meaning & affection

I am Provided for I Give You Love – comfort, security, love,

play, meaning & affection

I Sent My Son to Repair our broken

bond

I Reconnect to God Let me minister to your Connection with

God

I can be influenced (open to considering your

feelings & thoughts), I can self reflect (be

objective about myself), I can take

responsibility (own what I need to own),

and I can grow!

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“John 1:12 - But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, [even] to them that believe on his name.”




You & Me, a family

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We are all related. We are all connected.




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We are truly born attached !




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We can not survive Outside of

Relationship …

But not for reasons you might think!




06

Most people assume the body they inhabit is self-regulating – but it is not a closed loop.

Everything else synchronizes with others in the environment.

Mirror Neurons: Yawns, smiles, empathy, …

Body: anger, menstruation, blood pressure, HRV, …

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The only closed loop in the body is the more primitive body regulators – they are on ‘autopilot’.

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The Mother-Infant Dance

keeps baby alive!




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keeps baby alive!




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How do we know this also applies to

humans?




John Bowlby, MD 1936, London Child Guidance Clinic at Canonbury

• Began to study the effects of ‘maternal deprivation’ • Mothers would have to be away from infants due to hospital policies if either became ill

Rene Spitz, MD 1939, Psychiatrist at Mount Sinai Hospital

•Combined his hobby of film and his professional interest in maternal deprivation in infancy and in 1952 released a very controversial film. Filmed at an unnamed facility.

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keeps baby alive!




Spitz, 1952

If mother & infant could be reunited before 3 months, prognosis was good.

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keeps baby alive!




• Many thought Dr. Spitz “made up” the film.

• Many doctors left the presentation upset.

• Some left highly disturbed by what they saw.

• After seeing the film one doctor completely changed his mind after looking and seeing the distress, despair, and detachment on his ward. He immediately instituted unrestricted visiting hours for children under the age of 5 and encouraged these parents to do so.

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How You & I Respond to Separation,

Disconnection, Loss or Betrayal?




Protest Despair Detachment

Early childhood leaves an …

“internal residue”,

“working model”,

“attachment style”.

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Does this put your response to

Betrayal in perspective?




Protest Despair Detachment

Anger Pursue

Depression Withdraw

Emotional Paralysis

Can develop a PD

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Bernice Makes a Scene





Type of Mom (Caregiver) Type of Child Attachment

Generally sensitive, responsive &

available

Self – I am loveable & worthy.

Others – You are loveable & worthy

SECURE

Rejecting, cold, irritated at bids, harsh,

rules/obedience, neglect, leave child

alone often


Others – You are not loveable & worthy.

AVOIDANT

Inconsistent, mixed signals. Sometimes

child is wanted, other times burdensome

Self – I am not loveable & worthy.

Others – You are loveable & worthy.

ANXIOUS

Erratic, Abusive, Dissociative,

Frightening


Others – You are not loveable & worthy. DISORGANIZED





Type of Child Attachment Characteristics


Others – You are not loveable & worthy

SECURE

Interactive regulation of distress •Healthy interdependence

•Excels in self expression & other-orientation, composure &

fluent speech (taking turns talking)


Others – You are not loveable & worthy.

AVOIDANT

Autoregulation of distress •Suppresses attachment needs

•Withdraws , dismissive, autonomous, self-sufficient,

distracts in tasks

•Struggles with self expression & other-orientation


Others – You are loveable & worthy.

ANXIOUS

External regulation of distress •Overfocus on attachment figure

•Pursues, Criticizes, Enmeshed, codependent, fearful

•Struggles with composure & fluent speech (taking turns

talking)


Others – You are not loveable & worthy. DISORGANIZED

Isolates •Loner

•Can be Borderline or Schizoaffective

•Struggles with self expression & other-orientation,

composure & fluent speech (taking turns talking)





To be SECURELY attached, we need:

•Accessibility: Can I reach you?

•Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?

•Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close to me?





Continuous- Secure Attachment

Earned- Secure Attachment

Passing on “the Blessing”

Breaking the FALL Mending the lost

connection to God, ourselves & each other





God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah

Psalm 46:1-4





God Attachment

• As substitute attachment figure (Kirkpatrick, 1992)

• Provides “felt security” (Sroufe, 1977)

• More similar to parent-child relationship but moderate and consistent link to romantic attachment (Kirkpatrick, 1992, 1999; Rowatt & Kirkpatrick, 2002)

• Measured on two dimensions: Anxiety and Avoidance (Beck & McDonald, 2004)





Attachment style impacts how God is viewed

Secure: He is there, I can count on Him. He will accepts me,

in spite of my flaws.

Avoidant: He isn’t there for me when I need Him. I will have

to go at life alone. I don’t really need Him.

Ambivalent: I’m too flawed; God is sure to reject me. I

probably committed the unpardonable sin.

Disorganized: I’m flawed, beyond repair. God will strike me

down if I turn toward Him. He will surely reject or punish

me.

Attachment and Spirituality





What is YOUR Attachment Style?

Take the Test Sit with Like Attachment Styles

What is YOUR Spouse’s Attachment Style?

To You & To God?





anxious

disorganized

low avoidance

secure

avoidant

high avoidance

ECR-R dimensions

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 low anxiety

high anxiety

7

6

5

4

3

2

1

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God, the Father

Our Safe Haven

Centered Self

Becoming a Safe Haven

Your Family

Building A Safe Haven

You are Chosen I am Chosen I Choose You

You are Beloved I am Beloved I Call You Beloved

You can Trust Me I can Depend on God You can Depend on Me

I AM Attuned to You I am Worthy I Reflect Your Worth to You

I AM Available to You I am emotionally, spiritually, &

physically Available to God

I am emotionally, spiritually

& physically Available to

you

I Respond to You I Respond to God I Will Respond to your bids

for connection and repair

I Provide comfort, security,

love, play, meaning &

affection

I am Provided for I Give You Love – comfort,

security, love, play, meaning

& affection

I Sent My Son to Repair our

broken bond

I Reconnect to God Let me minister to your

Connection with God

I can be influenced (open to

considering your feelings &

thoughts), I can self reflect (be

objective about myself), I can

take responsibility (own what I

need to own),

and I can grow!

The Goal : SECURE Attachment to God & to Others


Others – You are not loveable & worthy

SECURE

Interactive regulation of distress •Healthy interdependence

•Excels in self expression & other-orientation, composure & fluent speech (taking turns talking)

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Words of Affirmation

Quality Time

Receiving Gifts

Acts of Service

Physical Touch





As we connect, not anxiously pursue or avoidantly withdraw,

we balance each other.

We create emotional equilibrium.




Golden Retriever – Green - Phlegmatic Otter – Yellow - Sanguine

Beaver – Blue - Melancholy Lion – Red - Choleric

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Breaking Free

1. Remember Your Story – Narrative Recall

2. Recognize Your Pain and Need for Healing – “Can’t heal what you don’t feel”

3. Reframe the Meaning of Your Story

4. Repair Your Story – ‘forgiveness, grace and acceptance’

5. Reconnect – deepening emotional strands of safety, trust and intimacy; able to accept influence from others

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www.lakepointe.org

Thank You !




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