AuditIon Forbullbullbull Name -------- Phone ______________ Cell Phone ______ Address ________

e-mail ________

o Male 0 Female Age ___

Todays Date ______

WHICH IS THE BEST WAY TO COMMUNICATE TO YOU

CELL PHONE TEXT FACEBOOK EMAIL

I am interested in 0 Performing 0 Tech (sets amp lights)

o Production 0 Make up 0 Costumes

List Previous Theatre Experience on back of form

ConflictsCommitments (Worlt activities family church etc Also list any other special commitments that may conflict with rehearsals or performances Please list dates amp times Use the back if necessary)

Sunday Monday Tues4ay Wednesday Thurs4Jf FrIday Sarurday

PULLED [Rev 1312]

__ off and eat him up until theres nothing left

WEDNESDAY This dinner has to go OK

PUGSLEY It will if you let me blow up this Lucas guy_

VEDNESDAY Ob Pugsley - ever since I met bim I wanna laugh and cry and everything seems right and wrong at the same time and then sometimes I just want to rip his flesh __

[MUSIC IN

J -- Misterioso - Vamp

Music and Lyrics by A-lDREW LIPPA

-~

~ ~~~~~~raquobItgt~WE~=D~E~S~DA~S~~j~d~ ~

~~~~ast~tijsecte)~~~i~J~4~middot~sect~_~ ~ -J I dont have a snn - ny dis - po si - tion

Im not known for be- ing too a mused

8 9 10

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ i ~ 3=1 My demiddotmean-ors locked in one po - si - non See my face Im enshy

13- - 14 =rl--- ~j thused Sud -den -Jy how - ev - er Ive been puzz- Jed

15

- shyJsq2tl -- - Bun - ny rab - bits make me want to cry-- -

-shy--

06 Pulled IRev 11312]Vocal -2shy

rit t 16 17

~ I xU J J J J J J J I J J All my in - hi - bi-lions have been muzz-Ied and I think I know

Ad Lib 122 iKeep It Moving 21

- -f i J J 3 J wooJ J

why Im be Ing pulled in a new di-ree shy

24

e iq F I J j j j i b J ~

bull ~1If

like__ tion but I think I it I think I like

(The yellow biniperches on her hand SHE sings to it)

_ it Im be-ing pulled in a new di-rec - tion Through my

29

bullj J I Oil

J J~l j J pain - ful pur - suit__ some-how bird-ies took root_ All the

33

I J -8 things I de-test - ed im-poss - ib -ly cute God What do 1 do pulled

(She breaks the birds neck)

PUGSLEY Wow You got some rea issues

WEDNESDAY Flyaway little birdie

(She gives it a little launch-toss and itfalls dead into the pit) [GOON]

~

IJ ~ ~

37

bull bull

Mo - ther a ways said Be kind to stran - gers bull bull

18 Happy Sad [RevliI41l2] Vocal -2shy

GOMEZ It even conquered you my adorable Attila ~ You had to go and grow up

WEDNESDAY And youre cool with that ~ GOMEZ Yes and no [GO ON] j

~ GOMEZ IE] 28 29

~ t~iHi6 t- j] pound4=J= A tu =i J J JP=f===t-=$ Vamp (vocal last x)

grOWll

Im feel- ing hap- py

A lit - tle child - ish

I think of all

39

j imiddot

see

the days youve known

40

==$poundjplusmnJ you on your own

and sad

Im feel-ing sad

A lit - tie dad

37

~Tj+ 54 all the ways youve

41

J I -shy

L

--J

and then

a - gain

I think Im rest -ed but then Im tired bull

To-day re - quest-ed to - mor-row fired

bull r bull - 56

J1 fJ 1t1~ H J I And now a boy says he a - dores she who once was

18 Happy Sad [Rev 111412] Vocal -3shyC

58 59 60 61 62

~IIII IJ

I l jlJ ~ I J J I J ~ I ~ j)J J I

yours How can I ig - nore such news Im sad and

6564 66I ~ I

Why should I choose r r69 69 70 71

i J I r J I J F I r Life is full of con tra die - tions ev

73 74 75 76

-I F I F J I r r inch a mile At the mo ment

I 77 78 79 80 B1 rit

~amp~nsectr~~~I~~~~~~I~j~~~~I~~ t II E j i J J F i J we start weep - ing thats when we should smile

GOMEZ So many memories [GO ON] GOMEZ (cont) Wednesday eating her first worm Wednesday sealing up her baby brother in the walL ]

~pound~~~I~2~~~~~~~~~~i~88~~~~~~~~G~~~~~~~~i ~ tJ

GOMEZ (cont) Wednesday s (cont) And I think where did the years goT ~

setting fire to a Jehovahs wimess And I am sad But then I see this lovely young woman bull [GOON and I am happy Happy sad happy sad

bull(cont) Like the bull when the matador put the sword into him and he look at the matador and say Nice job I hate you [GO ON] A Tempo

~ ~bll B9 90 f

- I -bull91middot97 7

I

In ev - ry heav-en bull

SCENE 5

(THE GREAT HALL)

WEDNESDAY Theyre here

(ALL scuttle off LURCH approaches the front door ~ very SlOrtlly)

(to Lurch) Hurry up

(LURCH opens the front door ushering in the BEINEKES They affect an out-ofshytowner I s nonchalance ~)

MAL Hello Had a little trouble finding the place Looks like somebody shot out all ycur street amps

(MAL and ALICE laugh LURCH does not The BEINEKES move down stage and take the place in)

(observing the emptiness of the space) wow look at this place They just move ir or what

ALICE No This is how they live in New ~ork They spend all their money on rent and have ncthing left =or furriture

(LURCH slams the front door with an awesome thud The BEINEKES jump A RAT scurries across the floor ALICE screams RAT exits)

(MAL approaches LURCH)

LURCH Grnh

Mal Beineke

LURCH (polite)

Grnh

33

This is my wife Alice-

LURCH rlecherous)

Grnh

Tha~s my son Lucas

LURCH (warning)

Grnh

And you are

LURCH 3rngh

(Grunts his backs tory)

MAL

Nice talkin to you Earth to Alice weve landed in Weird City I say drinks and bye-bye

ALICE Oh ~1al

(convincing herself as much any him) Be open to experience And welcome in the new Reach deep in your surprise bag There might be a gift for you

MAL

Eoney my surprise bag is so full I can hardly lift it That guy who pat~ed me down at the airport He slipped me his telephone number I dont think I can stand any more surprises

LUCAS Cmon dad Lighten up Thesere your kind of people real salt of the earth

Yeah Where are they from (GQ~EZ enters with a rapier to answer the query)

34

GOMEZ n~vhere are we from1f

(they react) Funny you should ask

(then)

Juy 31st 1715 The Spanish arship Pico de Galo commanded by rrey great nautical arcestor Captain General Redondo Vertara Laguna Don Jose Cuervo leaves Madrid bound for the new world Three Neeks later he is still in Madrid as Madrid is four hundred miles =rom the nearest ocean A stubborn man he sets sail anyway o11y to sink six months later off the southern coast of Florida shya hostile land infested with mos~uitoes rattle snakes and many retired Jewish peoples But enough about us

(steps forward)

Mr Malcolm Beineke I presume and the lovely Mrs Malcolm Bei1eke

(pointing his blade at Lucas) ~~d you must be young Lucas shy

(looks back to Mal then again to Lucas)

Unless of course you shy(Lucas)

- are the father ard you shy(Mal)

- are the sor Nith a massive thyroid problem (la ughs then)

I go too far No matter the right she is young Welcone 0 our extrerrely normal home Gomez Florencia Addams at your service AlloN me to present my wife laduenamother of my children el amor de mi vida the love of my life -Morticia

7A MORTICIAS ENTRANCE

(MORTICIA enters in an apron GOMEZ kisses her hand)

MORTICIA Sorry Irr late I Nas putting the apple pie on the window sill to cool

GOMEZ Thats my little woman A duchess in the parlor and a genius ir the kitchen

35

MORTICIA Oh Gomez

GOMEZ And a gymnast in the bedroom

(MORTICIA elbows GOMEZ and extends her hand to 11AL)

MORTICIA So very pleased Mr Reineke

Mrs Addams shy(She turns to ALICE)

MORTICIA Mrs Reineke

ALICE (curtsies)

Alece

MORTICIA Alice And you must be Lucas 11hat a lovely name

LUCAS Tranks I m named after my Uncle Lucas who got lost in he wocds and ate his own leg

MAL They dont need to know hat

MORTICIA No no l~s a beautiful story

(then) Wediesday has a cousin who swallowed Ls tongmiddotle Hes talk lak dis HHellc how are you

WEDNESDAY terrupting mortified)

Thaik you mother

(All heads turn to see vIEDNESDAY wearing a bright yellow dress)

(to Mal and Alice)

36

PULLED [Rev 1312]

__ off and eat him up until theres nothing left

WEDNESDAY This dinner has to go OK

PUGSLEY It will if you let me blow up this Lucas guy_

VEDNESDAY Ob Pugsley - ever since I met bim I wanna laugh and cry and everything seems right and wrong at the same time and then sometimes I just want to rip his flesh __

[MUSIC IN

J -- Misterioso - Vamp

Music and Lyrics by A-lDREW LIPPA

-~

~ ~~~~~~raquobItgt~WE~=D~E~S~DA~S~~j~d~ ~

~~~~ast~tijsecte)~~~i~J~4~middot~sect~_~ ~ -J I dont have a snn - ny dis - po si - tion

Im not known for be- ing too a mused

8 9 10

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ i ~ 3=1 My demiddotmean-ors locked in one po - si - non See my face Im enshy

13- - 14 =rl--- ~j thused Sud -den -Jy how - ev - er Ive been puzz- Jed

15

- shyJsq2tl -- - Bun - ny rab - bits make me want to cry-- -

-shy--

06 Pulled IRev 11312]Vocal -2shy

rit t 16 17

~ I xU J J J J J J J I J J All my in - hi - bi-lions have been muzz-Ied and I think I know

Ad Lib 122 iKeep It Moving 21

- -f i J J 3 J wooJ J

why Im be Ing pulled in a new di-ree shy

24

e iq F I J j j j i b J ~

bull ~1If

like__ tion but I think I it I think I like

(The yellow biniperches on her hand SHE sings to it)

_ it Im be-ing pulled in a new di-rec - tion Through my

29

bullj J I Oil

J J~l j J pain - ful pur - suit__ some-how bird-ies took root_ All the

33

I J -8 things I de-test - ed im-poss - ib -ly cute God What do 1 do pulled

(She breaks the birds neck)

PUGSLEY Wow You got some rea issues

WEDNESDAY Flyaway little birdie

(She gives it a little launch-toss and itfalls dead into the pit) [GOON]

~

IJ ~ ~

37

bull bull

Mo - ther a ways said Be kind to stran - gers bull bull

18 Happy Sad [RevliI41l2] Vocal -2shy

GOMEZ It even conquered you my adorable Attila ~ You had to go and grow up

WEDNESDAY And youre cool with that ~ GOMEZ Yes and no [GO ON] j

~ GOMEZ IE] 28 29

~ t~iHi6 t- j] pound4=J= A tu =i J J JP=f===t-=$ Vamp (vocal last x)

grOWll

Im feel- ing hap- py

A lit - tle child - ish

I think of all

39

j imiddot

see

the days youve known

40

==$poundjplusmnJ you on your own

and sad

Im feel-ing sad

A lit - tie dad

37

~Tj+ 54 all the ways youve

41

J I -shy

L

--J

and then

a - gain

I think Im rest -ed but then Im tired bull

To-day re - quest-ed to - mor-row fired

bull r bull - 56

J1 fJ 1t1~ H J I And now a boy says he a - dores she who once was

18 Happy Sad [Rev 111412] Vocal -3shyC

58 59 60 61 62

~IIII IJ

I l jlJ ~ I J J I J ~ I ~ j)J J I

yours How can I ig - nore such news Im sad and

6564 66I ~ I

Why should I choose r r69 69 70 71

i J I r J I J F I r Life is full of con tra die - tions ev

73 74 75 76

-I F I F J I r r inch a mile At the mo ment

I 77 78 79 80 B1 rit

~amp~nsectr~~~I~~~~~~I~j~~~~I~~ t II E j i J J F i J we start weep - ing thats when we should smile

GOMEZ So many memories [GO ON] GOMEZ (cont) Wednesday eating her first worm Wednesday sealing up her baby brother in the walL ]

~pound~~~I~2~~~~~~~~~~i~88~~~~~~~~G~~~~~~~~i ~ tJ

GOMEZ (cont) Wednesday s (cont) And I think where did the years goT ~

setting fire to a Jehovahs wimess And I am sad But then I see this lovely young woman bull [GOON and I am happy Happy sad happy sad

bull(cont) Like the bull when the matador put the sword into him and he look at the matador and say Nice job I hate you [GO ON] A Tempo

~ ~bll B9 90 f

- I -bull91middot97 7

I

In ev - ry heav-en bull

SCENE 5

(THE GREAT HALL)

WEDNESDAY Theyre here

(ALL scuttle off LURCH approaches the front door ~ very SlOrtlly)

(to Lurch) Hurry up

(LURCH opens the front door ushering in the BEINEKES They affect an out-ofshytowner I s nonchalance ~)

MAL Hello Had a little trouble finding the place Looks like somebody shot out all ycur street amps

(MAL and ALICE laugh LURCH does not The BEINEKES move down stage and take the place in)

(observing the emptiness of the space) wow look at this place They just move ir or what

ALICE No This is how they live in New ~ork They spend all their money on rent and have ncthing left =or furriture

(LURCH slams the front door with an awesome thud The BEINEKES jump A RAT scurries across the floor ALICE screams RAT exits)

(MAL approaches LURCH)

LURCH Grnh

Mal Beineke

LURCH (polite)

Grnh

33

This is my wife Alice-

LURCH rlecherous)

Grnh

Tha~s my son Lucas

LURCH (warning)

Grnh

And you are

LURCH 3rngh

(Grunts his backs tory)

MAL

Nice talkin to you Earth to Alice weve landed in Weird City I say drinks and bye-bye

ALICE Oh ~1al

(convincing herself as much any him) Be open to experience And welcome in the new Reach deep in your surprise bag There might be a gift for you

MAL

Eoney my surprise bag is so full I can hardly lift it That guy who pat~ed me down at the airport He slipped me his telephone number I dont think I can stand any more surprises

LUCAS Cmon dad Lighten up Thesere your kind of people real salt of the earth

Yeah Where are they from (GQ~EZ enters with a rapier to answer the query)

34

GOMEZ n~vhere are we from1f

(they react) Funny you should ask

(then)

Juy 31st 1715 The Spanish arship Pico de Galo commanded by rrey great nautical arcestor Captain General Redondo Vertara Laguna Don Jose Cuervo leaves Madrid bound for the new world Three Neeks later he is still in Madrid as Madrid is four hundred miles =rom the nearest ocean A stubborn man he sets sail anyway o11y to sink six months later off the southern coast of Florida shya hostile land infested with mos~uitoes rattle snakes and many retired Jewish peoples But enough about us

(steps forward)

Mr Malcolm Beineke I presume and the lovely Mrs Malcolm Bei1eke

(pointing his blade at Lucas) ~~d you must be young Lucas shy

(looks back to Mal then again to Lucas)

Unless of course you shy(Lucas)

- are the father ard you shy(Mal)

- are the sor Nith a massive thyroid problem (la ughs then)

I go too far No matter the right she is young Welcone 0 our extrerrely normal home Gomez Florencia Addams at your service AlloN me to present my wife laduenamother of my children el amor de mi vida the love of my life -Morticia

7A MORTICIAS ENTRANCE

(MORTICIA enters in an apron GOMEZ kisses her hand)

MORTICIA Sorry Irr late I Nas putting the apple pie on the window sill to cool

GOMEZ Thats my little woman A duchess in the parlor and a genius ir the kitchen

35

MORTICIA Oh Gomez

GOMEZ And a gymnast in the bedroom

(MORTICIA elbows GOMEZ and extends her hand to 11AL)

MORTICIA So very pleased Mr Reineke

Mrs Addams shy(She turns to ALICE)

MORTICIA Mrs Reineke

ALICE (curtsies)

Alece

MORTICIA Alice And you must be Lucas 11hat a lovely name

LUCAS Tranks I m named after my Uncle Lucas who got lost in he wocds and ate his own leg

MAL They dont need to know hat

MORTICIA No no l~s a beautiful story

(then) Wediesday has a cousin who swallowed Ls tongmiddotle Hes talk lak dis HHellc how are you

WEDNESDAY terrupting mortified)

Thaik you mother

(All heads turn to see vIEDNESDAY wearing a bright yellow dress)

(to Mal and Alice)

36

06 Pulled IRev 11312]Vocal -2shy

rit t 16 17

~ I xU J J J J J J J I J J All my in - hi - bi-lions have been muzz-Ied and I think I know

Ad Lib 122 iKeep It Moving 21

- -f i J J 3 J wooJ J

why Im be Ing pulled in a new di-ree shy

24

e iq F I J j j j i b J ~

bull ~1If

like__ tion but I think I it I think I like

(The yellow biniperches on her hand SHE sings to it)

_ it Im be-ing pulled in a new di-rec - tion Through my

29

bullj J I Oil

J J~l j J pain - ful pur - suit__ some-how bird-ies took root_ All the

33

I J -8 things I de-test - ed im-poss - ib -ly cute God What do 1 do pulled

(She breaks the birds neck)

PUGSLEY Wow You got some rea issues

WEDNESDAY Flyaway little birdie

(She gives it a little launch-toss and itfalls dead into the pit) [GOON]

~

IJ ~ ~

37

bull bull

Mo - ther a ways said Be kind to stran - gers bull bull

18 Happy Sad [RevliI41l2] Vocal -2shy

GOMEZ It even conquered you my adorable Attila ~ You had to go and grow up

WEDNESDAY And youre cool with that ~ GOMEZ Yes and no [GO ON] j

~ GOMEZ IE] 28 29

~ t~iHi6 t- j] pound4=J= A tu =i J J JP=f===t-=$ Vamp (vocal last x)

grOWll

Im feel- ing hap- py

A lit - tle child - ish

I think of all

39

j imiddot

see

the days youve known

40

==$poundjplusmnJ you on your own

and sad

Im feel-ing sad

A lit - tie dad

37

~Tj+ 54 all the ways youve

41

J I -shy

L

--J

and then

a - gain

I think Im rest -ed but then Im tired bull

To-day re - quest-ed to - mor-row fired

bull r bull - 56

J1 fJ 1t1~ H J I And now a boy says he a - dores she who once was

18 Happy Sad [Rev 111412] Vocal -3shyC

58 59 60 61 62

~IIII IJ

I l jlJ ~ I J J I J ~ I ~ j)J J I

yours How can I ig - nore such news Im sad and

6564 66I ~ I

Why should I choose r r69 69 70 71

i J I r J I J F I r Life is full of con tra die - tions ev

73 74 75 76

-I F I F J I r r inch a mile At the mo ment

I 77 78 79 80 B1 rit

~amp~nsectr~~~I~~~~~~I~j~~~~I~~ t II E j i J J F i J we start weep - ing thats when we should smile

GOMEZ So many memories [GO ON] GOMEZ (cont) Wednesday eating her first worm Wednesday sealing up her baby brother in the walL ]

~pound~~~I~2~~~~~~~~~~i~88~~~~~~~~G~~~~~~~~i ~ tJ

GOMEZ (cont) Wednesday s (cont) And I think where did the years goT ~

setting fire to a Jehovahs wimess And I am sad But then I see this lovely young woman bull [GOON and I am happy Happy sad happy sad

bull(cont) Like the bull when the matador put the sword into him and he look at the matador and say Nice job I hate you [GO ON] A Tempo

~ ~bll B9 90 f

- I -bull91middot97 7

I

In ev - ry heav-en bull

SCENE 5

(THE GREAT HALL)

WEDNESDAY Theyre here

(ALL scuttle off LURCH approaches the front door ~ very SlOrtlly)

(to Lurch) Hurry up

(LURCH opens the front door ushering in the BEINEKES They affect an out-ofshytowner I s nonchalance ~)

MAL Hello Had a little trouble finding the place Looks like somebody shot out all ycur street amps

(MAL and ALICE laugh LURCH does not The BEINEKES move down stage and take the place in)

(observing the emptiness of the space) wow look at this place They just move ir or what

ALICE No This is how they live in New ~ork They spend all their money on rent and have ncthing left =or furriture

(LURCH slams the front door with an awesome thud The BEINEKES jump A RAT scurries across the floor ALICE screams RAT exits)

(MAL approaches LURCH)

LURCH Grnh

Mal Beineke

LURCH (polite)

Grnh

33

This is my wife Alice-

LURCH rlecherous)

Grnh

Tha~s my son Lucas

LURCH (warning)

Grnh

And you are

LURCH 3rngh

(Grunts his backs tory)

MAL

Nice talkin to you Earth to Alice weve landed in Weird City I say drinks and bye-bye

ALICE Oh ~1al

(convincing herself as much any him) Be open to experience And welcome in the new Reach deep in your surprise bag There might be a gift for you

MAL

Eoney my surprise bag is so full I can hardly lift it That guy who pat~ed me down at the airport He slipped me his telephone number I dont think I can stand any more surprises

LUCAS Cmon dad Lighten up Thesere your kind of people real salt of the earth

Yeah Where are they from (GQ~EZ enters with a rapier to answer the query)

34

GOMEZ n~vhere are we from1f

(they react) Funny you should ask

(then)

Juy 31st 1715 The Spanish arship Pico de Galo commanded by rrey great nautical arcestor Captain General Redondo Vertara Laguna Don Jose Cuervo leaves Madrid bound for the new world Three Neeks later he is still in Madrid as Madrid is four hundred miles =rom the nearest ocean A stubborn man he sets sail anyway o11y to sink six months later off the southern coast of Florida shya hostile land infested with mos~uitoes rattle snakes and many retired Jewish peoples But enough about us

(steps forward)

Mr Malcolm Beineke I presume and the lovely Mrs Malcolm Bei1eke

(pointing his blade at Lucas) ~~d you must be young Lucas shy

(looks back to Mal then again to Lucas)

Unless of course you shy(Lucas)

- are the father ard you shy(Mal)

- are the sor Nith a massive thyroid problem (la ughs then)

I go too far No matter the right she is young Welcone 0 our extrerrely normal home Gomez Florencia Addams at your service AlloN me to present my wife laduenamother of my children el amor de mi vida the love of my life -Morticia

7A MORTICIAS ENTRANCE

(MORTICIA enters in an apron GOMEZ kisses her hand)

MORTICIA Sorry Irr late I Nas putting the apple pie on the window sill to cool

GOMEZ Thats my little woman A duchess in the parlor and a genius ir the kitchen

35

MORTICIA Oh Gomez

GOMEZ And a gymnast in the bedroom

(MORTICIA elbows GOMEZ and extends her hand to 11AL)

MORTICIA So very pleased Mr Reineke

Mrs Addams shy(She turns to ALICE)

MORTICIA Mrs Reineke

ALICE (curtsies)

Alece

MORTICIA Alice And you must be Lucas 11hat a lovely name

LUCAS Tranks I m named after my Uncle Lucas who got lost in he wocds and ate his own leg

MAL They dont need to know hat

MORTICIA No no l~s a beautiful story

(then) Wediesday has a cousin who swallowed Ls tongmiddotle Hes talk lak dis HHellc how are you

WEDNESDAY terrupting mortified)

Thaik you mother

(All heads turn to see vIEDNESDAY wearing a bright yellow dress)

(to Mal and Alice)

36

18 Happy Sad [RevliI41l2] Vocal -2shy

GOMEZ It even conquered you my adorable Attila ~ You had to go and grow up

WEDNESDAY And youre cool with that ~ GOMEZ Yes and no [GO ON] j

~ GOMEZ IE] 28 29

~ t~iHi6 t- j] pound4=J= A tu =i J J JP=f===t-=$ Vamp (vocal last x)

grOWll

Im feel- ing hap- py

A lit - tle child - ish

I think of all

39

j imiddot

see

the days youve known

40

==$poundjplusmnJ you on your own

and sad

Im feel-ing sad

A lit - tie dad

37

~Tj+ 54 all the ways youve

41

J I -shy

L

--J

and then

a - gain

I think Im rest -ed but then Im tired bull

To-day re - quest-ed to - mor-row fired

bull r bull - 56

J1 fJ 1t1~ H J I And now a boy says he a - dores she who once was

18 Happy Sad [Rev 111412] Vocal -3shyC

58 59 60 61 62

~IIII IJ

I l jlJ ~ I J J I J ~ I ~ j)J J I

yours How can I ig - nore such news Im sad and

6564 66I ~ I

Why should I choose r r69 69 70 71

i J I r J I J F I r Life is full of con tra die - tions ev

73 74 75 76

-I F I F J I r r inch a mile At the mo ment

I 77 78 79 80 B1 rit

~amp~nsectr~~~I~~~~~~I~j~~~~I~~ t II E j i J J F i J we start weep - ing thats when we should smile

GOMEZ So many memories [GO ON] GOMEZ (cont) Wednesday eating her first worm Wednesday sealing up her baby brother in the walL ]

~pound~~~I~2~~~~~~~~~~i~88~~~~~~~~G~~~~~~~~i ~ tJ

GOMEZ (cont) Wednesday s (cont) And I think where did the years goT ~

setting fire to a Jehovahs wimess And I am sad But then I see this lovely young woman bull [GOON and I am happy Happy sad happy sad

bull(cont) Like the bull when the matador put the sword into him and he look at the matador and say Nice job I hate you [GO ON] A Tempo

~ ~bll B9 90 f

- I -bull91middot97 7

I

In ev - ry heav-en bull

SCENE 5

(THE GREAT HALL)

WEDNESDAY Theyre here

(ALL scuttle off LURCH approaches the front door ~ very SlOrtlly)

(to Lurch) Hurry up

(LURCH opens the front door ushering in the BEINEKES They affect an out-ofshytowner I s nonchalance ~)

MAL Hello Had a little trouble finding the place Looks like somebody shot out all ycur street amps

(MAL and ALICE laugh LURCH does not The BEINEKES move down stage and take the place in)

(observing the emptiness of the space) wow look at this place They just move ir or what

ALICE No This is how they live in New ~ork They spend all their money on rent and have ncthing left =or furriture

(LURCH slams the front door with an awesome thud The BEINEKES jump A RAT scurries across the floor ALICE screams RAT exits)

(MAL approaches LURCH)

LURCH Grnh

Mal Beineke

LURCH (polite)

Grnh

33

This is my wife Alice-

LURCH rlecherous)

Grnh

Tha~s my son Lucas

LURCH (warning)

Grnh

And you are

LURCH 3rngh

(Grunts his backs tory)

MAL

Nice talkin to you Earth to Alice weve landed in Weird City I say drinks and bye-bye

ALICE Oh ~1al

(convincing herself as much any him) Be open to experience And welcome in the new Reach deep in your surprise bag There might be a gift for you

MAL

Eoney my surprise bag is so full I can hardly lift it That guy who pat~ed me down at the airport He slipped me his telephone number I dont think I can stand any more surprises

LUCAS Cmon dad Lighten up Thesere your kind of people real salt of the earth

Yeah Where are they from (GQ~EZ enters with a rapier to answer the query)

34

GOMEZ n~vhere are we from1f

(they react) Funny you should ask

(then)

Juy 31st 1715 The Spanish arship Pico de Galo commanded by rrey great nautical arcestor Captain General Redondo Vertara Laguna Don Jose Cuervo leaves Madrid bound for the new world Three Neeks later he is still in Madrid as Madrid is four hundred miles =rom the nearest ocean A stubborn man he sets sail anyway o11y to sink six months later off the southern coast of Florida shya hostile land infested with mos~uitoes rattle snakes and many retired Jewish peoples But enough about us

(steps forward)

Mr Malcolm Beineke I presume and the lovely Mrs Malcolm Bei1eke

(pointing his blade at Lucas) ~~d you must be young Lucas shy

(looks back to Mal then again to Lucas)

Unless of course you shy(Lucas)

- are the father ard you shy(Mal)

- are the sor Nith a massive thyroid problem (la ughs then)

I go too far No matter the right she is young Welcone 0 our extrerrely normal home Gomez Florencia Addams at your service AlloN me to present my wife laduenamother of my children el amor de mi vida the love of my life -Morticia

7A MORTICIAS ENTRANCE

(MORTICIA enters in an apron GOMEZ kisses her hand)

MORTICIA Sorry Irr late I Nas putting the apple pie on the window sill to cool

GOMEZ Thats my little woman A duchess in the parlor and a genius ir the kitchen

35

MORTICIA Oh Gomez

GOMEZ And a gymnast in the bedroom

(MORTICIA elbows GOMEZ and extends her hand to 11AL)

MORTICIA So very pleased Mr Reineke

Mrs Addams shy(She turns to ALICE)

MORTICIA Mrs Reineke

ALICE (curtsies)

Alece

MORTICIA Alice And you must be Lucas 11hat a lovely name

LUCAS Tranks I m named after my Uncle Lucas who got lost in he wocds and ate his own leg

MAL They dont need to know hat

MORTICIA No no l~s a beautiful story

(then) Wediesday has a cousin who swallowed Ls tongmiddotle Hes talk lak dis HHellc how are you

WEDNESDAY terrupting mortified)

Thaik you mother

(All heads turn to see vIEDNESDAY wearing a bright yellow dress)

(to Mal and Alice)

36

18 Happy Sad [Rev 111412] Vocal -3shyC

58 59 60 61 62

~IIII IJ

I l jlJ ~ I J J I J ~ I ~ j)J J I

yours How can I ig - nore such news Im sad and

6564 66I ~ I

Why should I choose r r69 69 70 71

i J I r J I J F I r Life is full of con tra die - tions ev

73 74 75 76

-I F I F J I r r inch a mile At the mo ment

I 77 78 79 80 B1 rit

~amp~nsectr~~~I~~~~~~I~j~~~~I~~ t II E j i J J F i J we start weep - ing thats when we should smile

GOMEZ So many memories [GO ON] GOMEZ (cont) Wednesday eating her first worm Wednesday sealing up her baby brother in the walL ]

~pound~~~I~2~~~~~~~~~~i~88~~~~~~~~G~~~~~~~~i ~ tJ

GOMEZ (cont) Wednesday s (cont) And I think where did the years goT ~

setting fire to a Jehovahs wimess And I am sad But then I see this lovely young woman bull [GOON and I am happy Happy sad happy sad

bull(cont) Like the bull when the matador put the sword into him and he look at the matador and say Nice job I hate you [GO ON] A Tempo

~ ~bll B9 90 f

- I -bull91middot97 7

I

In ev - ry heav-en bull

SCENE 5

(THE GREAT HALL)

WEDNESDAY Theyre here

(ALL scuttle off LURCH approaches the front door ~ very SlOrtlly)

(to Lurch) Hurry up

(LURCH opens the front door ushering in the BEINEKES They affect an out-ofshytowner I s nonchalance ~)

MAL Hello Had a little trouble finding the place Looks like somebody shot out all ycur street amps

(MAL and ALICE laugh LURCH does not The BEINEKES move down stage and take the place in)

(observing the emptiness of the space) wow look at this place They just move ir or what

ALICE No This is how they live in New ~ork They spend all their money on rent and have ncthing left =or furriture

(LURCH slams the front door with an awesome thud The BEINEKES jump A RAT scurries across the floor ALICE screams RAT exits)

(MAL approaches LURCH)

LURCH Grnh

Mal Beineke

LURCH (polite)

Grnh

33

This is my wife Alice-

LURCH rlecherous)

Grnh

Tha~s my son Lucas

LURCH (warning)

Grnh

And you are

LURCH 3rngh

(Grunts his backs tory)

MAL

Nice talkin to you Earth to Alice weve landed in Weird City I say drinks and bye-bye

ALICE Oh ~1al

(convincing herself as much any him) Be open to experience And welcome in the new Reach deep in your surprise bag There might be a gift for you

MAL

Eoney my surprise bag is so full I can hardly lift it That guy who pat~ed me down at the airport He slipped me his telephone number I dont think I can stand any more surprises

LUCAS Cmon dad Lighten up Thesere your kind of people real salt of the earth

Yeah Where are they from (GQ~EZ enters with a rapier to answer the query)

34

GOMEZ n~vhere are we from1f

(they react) Funny you should ask

(then)

Juy 31st 1715 The Spanish arship Pico de Galo commanded by rrey great nautical arcestor Captain General Redondo Vertara Laguna Don Jose Cuervo leaves Madrid bound for the new world Three Neeks later he is still in Madrid as Madrid is four hundred miles =rom the nearest ocean A stubborn man he sets sail anyway o11y to sink six months later off the southern coast of Florida shya hostile land infested with mos~uitoes rattle snakes and many retired Jewish peoples But enough about us

(steps forward)

Mr Malcolm Beineke I presume and the lovely Mrs Malcolm Bei1eke

(pointing his blade at Lucas) ~~d you must be young Lucas shy

(looks back to Mal then again to Lucas)

Unless of course you shy(Lucas)

- are the father ard you shy(Mal)

- are the sor Nith a massive thyroid problem (la ughs then)

I go too far No matter the right she is young Welcone 0 our extrerrely normal home Gomez Florencia Addams at your service AlloN me to present my wife laduenamother of my children el amor de mi vida the love of my life -Morticia

7A MORTICIAS ENTRANCE

(MORTICIA enters in an apron GOMEZ kisses her hand)

MORTICIA Sorry Irr late I Nas putting the apple pie on the window sill to cool

GOMEZ Thats my little woman A duchess in the parlor and a genius ir the kitchen

35

MORTICIA Oh Gomez

GOMEZ And a gymnast in the bedroom

(MORTICIA elbows GOMEZ and extends her hand to 11AL)

MORTICIA So very pleased Mr Reineke

Mrs Addams shy(She turns to ALICE)

MORTICIA Mrs Reineke

ALICE (curtsies)

Alece

MORTICIA Alice And you must be Lucas 11hat a lovely name

LUCAS Tranks I m named after my Uncle Lucas who got lost in he wocds and ate his own leg

MAL They dont need to know hat

MORTICIA No no l~s a beautiful story

(then) Wediesday has a cousin who swallowed Ls tongmiddotle Hes talk lak dis HHellc how are you

WEDNESDAY terrupting mortified)

Thaik you mother

(All heads turn to see vIEDNESDAY wearing a bright yellow dress)

(to Mal and Alice)

36

SCENE 5

(THE GREAT HALL)

WEDNESDAY Theyre here

(ALL scuttle off LURCH approaches the front door ~ very SlOrtlly)

(to Lurch) Hurry up

(LURCH opens the front door ushering in the BEINEKES They affect an out-ofshytowner I s nonchalance ~)

MAL Hello Had a little trouble finding the place Looks like somebody shot out all ycur street amps

(MAL and ALICE laugh LURCH does not The BEINEKES move down stage and take the place in)

(observing the emptiness of the space) wow look at this place They just move ir or what

ALICE No This is how they live in New ~ork They spend all their money on rent and have ncthing left =or furriture

(LURCH slams the front door with an awesome thud The BEINEKES jump A RAT scurries across the floor ALICE screams RAT exits)

(MAL approaches LURCH)

LURCH Grnh

Mal Beineke

LURCH (polite)

Grnh

33

This is my wife Alice-

LURCH rlecherous)

Grnh

Tha~s my son Lucas

LURCH (warning)

Grnh

And you are

LURCH 3rngh

(Grunts his backs tory)

MAL

Nice talkin to you Earth to Alice weve landed in Weird City I say drinks and bye-bye

ALICE Oh ~1al

(convincing herself as much any him) Be open to experience And welcome in the new Reach deep in your surprise bag There might be a gift for you

MAL

Eoney my surprise bag is so full I can hardly lift it That guy who pat~ed me down at the airport He slipped me his telephone number I dont think I can stand any more surprises

LUCAS Cmon dad Lighten up Thesere your kind of people real salt of the earth

Yeah Where are they from (GQ~EZ enters with a rapier to answer the query)

34

GOMEZ n~vhere are we from1f

(they react) Funny you should ask

(then)

Juy 31st 1715 The Spanish arship Pico de Galo commanded by rrey great nautical arcestor Captain General Redondo Vertara Laguna Don Jose Cuervo leaves Madrid bound for the new world Three Neeks later he is still in Madrid as Madrid is four hundred miles =rom the nearest ocean A stubborn man he sets sail anyway o11y to sink six months later off the southern coast of Florida shya hostile land infested with mos~uitoes rattle snakes and many retired Jewish peoples But enough about us

(steps forward)

Mr Malcolm Beineke I presume and the lovely Mrs Malcolm Bei1eke

(pointing his blade at Lucas) ~~d you must be young Lucas shy

(looks back to Mal then again to Lucas)

Unless of course you shy(Lucas)

- are the father ard you shy(Mal)

- are the sor Nith a massive thyroid problem (la ughs then)

I go too far No matter the right she is young Welcone 0 our extrerrely normal home Gomez Florencia Addams at your service AlloN me to present my wife laduenamother of my children el amor de mi vida the love of my life -Morticia

7A MORTICIAS ENTRANCE

(MORTICIA enters in an apron GOMEZ kisses her hand)

MORTICIA Sorry Irr late I Nas putting the apple pie on the window sill to cool

GOMEZ Thats my little woman A duchess in the parlor and a genius ir the kitchen

35

MORTICIA Oh Gomez

GOMEZ And a gymnast in the bedroom

(MORTICIA elbows GOMEZ and extends her hand to 11AL)

MORTICIA So very pleased Mr Reineke

Mrs Addams shy(She turns to ALICE)

MORTICIA Mrs Reineke

ALICE (curtsies)

Alece

MORTICIA Alice And you must be Lucas 11hat a lovely name

LUCAS Tranks I m named after my Uncle Lucas who got lost in he wocds and ate his own leg

MAL They dont need to know hat

MORTICIA No no l~s a beautiful story

(then) Wediesday has a cousin who swallowed Ls tongmiddotle Hes talk lak dis HHellc how are you

WEDNESDAY terrupting mortified)

Thaik you mother

(All heads turn to see vIEDNESDAY wearing a bright yellow dress)

(to Mal and Alice)

36

This is my wife Alice-

LURCH rlecherous)

Grnh

Tha~s my son Lucas

LURCH (warning)

Grnh

And you are

LURCH 3rngh

(Grunts his backs tory)

MAL

Nice talkin to you Earth to Alice weve landed in Weird City I say drinks and bye-bye

ALICE Oh ~1al

(convincing herself as much any him) Be open to experience And welcome in the new Reach deep in your surprise bag There might be a gift for you

MAL

Eoney my surprise bag is so full I can hardly lift it That guy who pat~ed me down at the airport He slipped me his telephone number I dont think I can stand any more surprises

LUCAS Cmon dad Lighten up Thesere your kind of people real salt of the earth

Yeah Where are they from (GQ~EZ enters with a rapier to answer the query)

34

GOMEZ n~vhere are we from1f

(they react) Funny you should ask

(then)

Juy 31st 1715 The Spanish arship Pico de Galo commanded by rrey great nautical arcestor Captain General Redondo Vertara Laguna Don Jose Cuervo leaves Madrid bound for the new world Three Neeks later he is still in Madrid as Madrid is four hundred miles =rom the nearest ocean A stubborn man he sets sail anyway o11y to sink six months later off the southern coast of Florida shya hostile land infested with mos~uitoes rattle snakes and many retired Jewish peoples But enough about us

(steps forward)

Mr Malcolm Beineke I presume and the lovely Mrs Malcolm Bei1eke

(pointing his blade at Lucas) ~~d you must be young Lucas shy

(looks back to Mal then again to Lucas)

Unless of course you shy(Lucas)

- are the father ard you shy(Mal)

- are the sor Nith a massive thyroid problem (la ughs then)

I go too far No matter the right she is young Welcone 0 our extrerrely normal home Gomez Florencia Addams at your service AlloN me to present my wife laduenamother of my children el amor de mi vida the love of my life -Morticia

7A MORTICIAS ENTRANCE

(MORTICIA enters in an apron GOMEZ kisses her hand)

MORTICIA Sorry Irr late I Nas putting the apple pie on the window sill to cool

GOMEZ Thats my little woman A duchess in the parlor and a genius ir the kitchen

35

MORTICIA Oh Gomez

GOMEZ And a gymnast in the bedroom

(MORTICIA elbows GOMEZ and extends her hand to 11AL)

MORTICIA So very pleased Mr Reineke

Mrs Addams shy(She turns to ALICE)

MORTICIA Mrs Reineke

ALICE (curtsies)

Alece

MORTICIA Alice And you must be Lucas 11hat a lovely name

LUCAS Tranks I m named after my Uncle Lucas who got lost in he wocds and ate his own leg

MAL They dont need to know hat

MORTICIA No no l~s a beautiful story

(then) Wediesday has a cousin who swallowed Ls tongmiddotle Hes talk lak dis HHellc how are you

WEDNESDAY terrupting mortified)

Thaik you mother

(All heads turn to see vIEDNESDAY wearing a bright yellow dress)

(to Mal and Alice)

36

GOMEZ n~vhere are we from1f

(they react) Funny you should ask

(then)

Juy 31st 1715 The Spanish arship Pico de Galo commanded by rrey great nautical arcestor Captain General Redondo Vertara Laguna Don Jose Cuervo leaves Madrid bound for the new world Three Neeks later he is still in Madrid as Madrid is four hundred miles =rom the nearest ocean A stubborn man he sets sail anyway o11y to sink six months later off the southern coast of Florida shya hostile land infested with mos~uitoes rattle snakes and many retired Jewish peoples But enough about us

(steps forward)

Mr Malcolm Beineke I presume and the lovely Mrs Malcolm Bei1eke

(pointing his blade at Lucas) ~~d you must be young Lucas shy

(looks back to Mal then again to Lucas)

Unless of course you shy(Lucas)

- are the father ard you shy(Mal)

- are the sor Nith a massive thyroid problem (la ughs then)

I go too far No matter the right she is young Welcone 0 our extrerrely normal home Gomez Florencia Addams at your service AlloN me to present my wife laduenamother of my children el amor de mi vida the love of my life -Morticia

7A MORTICIAS ENTRANCE

(MORTICIA enters in an apron GOMEZ kisses her hand)

MORTICIA Sorry Irr late I Nas putting the apple pie on the window sill to cool

GOMEZ Thats my little woman A duchess in the parlor and a genius ir the kitchen

35

MORTICIA Oh Gomez

GOMEZ And a gymnast in the bedroom

(MORTICIA elbows GOMEZ and extends her hand to 11AL)

MORTICIA So very pleased Mr Reineke

Mrs Addams shy(She turns to ALICE)

MORTICIA Mrs Reineke

ALICE (curtsies)

Alece

MORTICIA Alice And you must be Lucas 11hat a lovely name

LUCAS Tranks I m named after my Uncle Lucas who got lost in he wocds and ate his own leg

MAL They dont need to know hat

MORTICIA No no l~s a beautiful story

(then) Wediesday has a cousin who swallowed Ls tongmiddotle Hes talk lak dis HHellc how are you

WEDNESDAY terrupting mortified)

Thaik you mother

(All heads turn to see vIEDNESDAY wearing a bright yellow dress)

(to Mal and Alice)

36

MORTICIA Oh Gomez

GOMEZ And a gymnast in the bedroom

(MORTICIA elbows GOMEZ and extends her hand to 11AL)

MORTICIA So very pleased Mr Reineke

Mrs Addams shy(She turns to ALICE)

MORTICIA Mrs Reineke

ALICE (curtsies)

Alece

MORTICIA Alice And you must be Lucas 11hat a lovely name

LUCAS Tranks I m named after my Uncle Lucas who got lost in he wocds and ate his own leg

MAL They dont need to know hat

MORTICIA No no l~s a beautiful story

(then) Wediesday has a cousin who swallowed Ls tongmiddotle Hes talk lak dis HHellc how are you

WEDNESDAY terrupting mortified)

Thaik you mother

(All heads turn to see vIEDNESDAY wearing a bright yellow dress)

(to Mal and Alice)

36

I

WEDNESDAY (CONT) Hi Ilm ~vednesday

MORTICIA What are you wearing

WEDNESDAY A dress

MORTICIA A yellowdIess

GOMEZ Paloma what happened You look like a crime scene

MORTICIA (to the Beinekes)

Will yo excuse us for a Iroment (to Wednesday)

wont have that color in my touse

WEDNESDAY ~m jst being normal OK

(NO1 LURCH is helping ALICE off wi th her coat)

MORTICIA Darling He dont wear brigtt co2ors Bright colors are for people with no inner life and no imagination

(ALICES coat is removed She too wears a bright yellow dress)

Oh look Itfs everywhere

ALICE ts a lovely dress Wednesday_ Yellow is the color of the warming sun Yello~ is the color of yumminess and fun~ Why not show the world the love in which we all believe Why not wear your heart for all to see right on your sleeve ttYellow is -

(ANkward beat 110RTICIA fights Lhe urge to throw up)

37

GOMEZ Excellent A lcvely sentiment abo~t the color yellcw And ncw shy

(PUGSLEY enters in a Boy Scout uniform He holds a coin-collecting can like from the March of Dimes)

Why look everyone its P~gsley Addfus Wednesdays brother j~st ret~rned frcm Bible stldy Say hello P~ggles

(PUGSLEY goes to ALICE and holds out the can)

PUGSLEY Hello Wanna make a donation

ALICE Of course sweetheart hat are yC collecting for

PUGSLEY Just p~t some money in the oan and nobody gets h1rt

(LICE drops a coin in the can GRANDMA enters in a candy-striper uniform with a big Red Cross on the bib-front )

GRANDMA Whew Boy is it normal Olt there

GOMEZ And this is our dear ~ittle Grandma the very sOll and spirit of the family

GRANDMA (starting over still sweet as pie

Hi I just came from the hospital Cardiac ward Boy theyre dropping like flies over there I tope YOJ re staying in shape Grains fresh fruit 40 minltes o~ the treadmill

ALICE I know I should b~t I dont do any of that

GRANDMA Well then youre gonna die honey

38

(FESTER enters wearing a preposterous toupee and holding a football r running for the end zone)

FESTER Are you ready for some football

(FESTER is the announcer to his solo game of football)

Festers got the ball Hes running Hes dodging ookit that sumbitc~ go Hes on the twenty - ~es rounding third -and touchdown The crowd goes wild

(FESTER makes three sounds like a uroaring crowd Hes a bit too close to Alice who has to turn away)

GOMEZ This is my brother Fester

FESTER (to Alice)

Nice a meet ya

(FESTER takes off his hair-piece in salutation ALICE shrieks FESTER puts t11e rug back on his head askew)

GOMEZ Thank you Fester

(The BEINEKES behold The Addams Family nervously GRALVDI1A looks like she might lick ALICE)

All rig~t go away now

GRANDMAFESTERFUGSLEY (waving)

GOODBYE

(And theyre gone)

GOMEZ And now for a welcoming toast from the extensive Addams caves

(LURCH enters wi th a tray)

39

MORTICIA Children youre exoused

WEDNESDAY Lucas corne on Dad remember shy

GOMEZ Not to worry paloma

(as the kids go) leave ehe door open y rear

(GOMEZ hands glasses out during--)

GOMEZ Ar~ Youre ooncerned they wi~ make the beast eh Not to worry my friend My daughter has a back belt in Tae Kwon Do~ He tr=-es anything shell rip his hroat OLIt

(toasts warmly) Io the children

(They toas t)

ALICE Excuse me Do yeu have a little rls room

GOMEZ We used to but e let them all go

(laughs delighted with himself) Wooo

MORTICIA Gomez

(to Alice) Come ith me dear Ill sho you

(During the above LURCH has collected the glasses from the quartet except for ALICE who retains hers despi te MALS bad look)

GOMEZ Morticia a gra~d tour for the missus And the mister and I will go below for some guy stuff Then dinner shy

MORTICIA And after dinner - The Game

40

I

MAL Oh yeah What knd of game

GOMEZ Did you ever play charades

MAL Yeah

GOMEZ Well ics nothing like that

(GOMEZ chuckles expectantly and leads l1AL dONn to the grotto Then as the LADIES climb the stairs--)

ALICE Did yOu get the flolers

MORTICIA Oh yes )-11d the lovely poem Wherever did yOcl find it

ALICE wrote it

MORTICIA No

ALICE (demcnstra tes)

l1When Im depressed or feeling blessed A poem will get it off my chest They come to me they take no They just pop out and always rhyme If

MORTICIA laybe you should see someone about that

ALICE And theyre always about the one thing everyone needs and so few have

MORTICIA Health care

ALICE ~hy love of courset

41

(They exi t Enter FESTER and ANCESTORS ANCESTORS voice skeptical remarks about love in between FESTERS lyrics)

Ita BUT LOVE REPRISE 1

FESTER LETS NOT TALK ABOUT ANTHING ELSE BUT LOVE WORTH REPEAT DIG LETS NOT TALK ABOUT 1NYTHING ELSE BUT LOVE CANT WE TALK ABOUT LOFTY GOALSshy

CAVEMANSOLDIERFLIGHT ATTENDANTGAMBLERCOURTESAN ANCESTOR JVATING SOULS-shyALTERING ~INDS AND FALTERING ROLESshy

FESTER Shhh

FESTER AND ANCESTORS LETS NOT TALK 130UT lNYTHING ELSE

(During which we transi tion the set into-)

42

SCENE 2

(MORTICIAS BOUDOIR)

(Revealing GOMEZ fencing with LURCH who holds his foil absolutely still while GOMEZ swipes at it extravagan )

GOMEZ Figh~ sir fight like a mar Fee~ the kiss of my Spanish steel Ha Ha HaJ Ha Foiled agair

(GOMEZ strikes LURCHs sword down LURCH pokes GOtfEZ wi th it)

Ow Damn your lighring relexes

(G0J1EZ retains his sword MORTICIA enters with a bouquet of yellow flowers )

MORTICIA Gomez look

GOMEZ Ugh FIOlers Who wOJld send something so ~as~eless

MORTICIA (reads the card)

The most precious gift here is More goody-licious thar gold Is that blessirg we call frierdship Whether reOl or very old

GOMEZ Goody-licious gtiho talks like this

(MORTICIA removes the flowers from the stemsDuring--)

MORTICIA The Beinekes edresdays friend Lucas ard his parents Theyre comirg for dinner tonight

GOMEZ L1Jcas

8

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ =Llt Lucas is a boys name

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ Wednesday has a friend whos a boy

(T~ey both look at Lurch Finally--)

MORTICIA Its nothing darling uppy ~ove

(hands Lurch the stems) Put these in water

(WEDNESDAY enters carrying her crossbow and a goose it~ an arrow sticking out of it)

WEDNESDAY Morn Dad I shot dinner

MORTICIA (taking it)

Or Wedresday thats lovely Wrerever did you find it

WEDNESDAY etting zoo

MORTICIA Thark you dear Come Lurch - e 11 whip up something really special And this time well actJa~ly cook it

(shares a laugh with Lurch) Oh Gomez - guests for dinner Fresh meat

(They exit WEDNESDAY looks nervously after them)

WEDNESDAY Daddy I ave something very important to tell you

GOMEZ What

9

WEDNESDAY Can yo~ keep a secret

(WEDNESDAY produces a ring from around her neck)

GOMEZ Of course

WEDNESDAY Look

GOMEZ If I didnt know any better Id say that looked like an engagemert ring

(she just looks at him) What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Oh daddy Lucas wants cO marry me

GOMEZ tlha t

WEDNESDAY Lucas Bei1eke lcves me and he wan-s to marry me

GOMEZ Jo you want cO marry him

WEDNESDAY Yes I think so

GOMEZ You think so

WEDNESDAY Well Ive never even met his parents and hes never met mine and - I just need to be sure

GOMEZ That hes the one

WEDNESDAY That the farrilies oan get along I nean he has to ltnow what hes getting into

10

GOMEZ What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Im saying we1re who we are and theyre from Ohio

GOMEZ (slicing the air wi th his sword)

Ohio A swing state

WEDNESDAY Thats what I mean

GOMEZ Youre right this is il1portant Lets go tell your mother

WEDNESDAY No

GOMEZ No But we have to tell your mother shy

WEDNESDAY Jaddy pleasel Shell ask a lot of el1Darrassing questions and wreck the whole thing

GOMEZ You dont want me to tell your mother youre getting married

WEDNESDAY After dinner and were all friends then well tell her

GOMEZ But Ive never kept anything from yOelr mother

WEDNESDAY (getting desperate)

Daddy pleasel

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY f yOel love me

11

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY Do you love me daddy

(DING WEDNESDAY freezes)

3A TWO THINGS

GOMEZ crH~RE A~ TWC THINGS I OC~D NEVER DO SAY NO TO I1Y WIFE SAY NC TO tn lAUGHTER SO WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO

(DING Lights restore)

Do you rea~ze what youre asking me to do

WEDNESDAY laddy one tiny little secret Please Please

[l1USIC IN]

GOMEZ OK OK I promise I wont your lother

WEDNESDAY Oh thank you daddy

(She starts to go turns back) Cur little secret right

GOMEZ Yes yes~ Our litte secret

(She runs off)

4 WEDNESDAYS GROWING UP

WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP BUT IM NOT READY WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP lS TIME SLIPS BY WHEN DID SHE BECOME SOMEONE ELSES CHUM

12

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

GOMEZ Excellent A lcvely sentiment abo~t the color yellcw And ncw shy

(PUGSLEY enters in a Boy Scout uniform He holds a coin-collecting can like from the March of Dimes)

Why look everyone its P~gsley Addfus Wednesdays brother j~st ret~rned frcm Bible stldy Say hello P~ggles

(PUGSLEY goes to ALICE and holds out the can)

PUGSLEY Hello Wanna make a donation

ALICE Of course sweetheart hat are yC collecting for

PUGSLEY Just p~t some money in the oan and nobody gets h1rt

(LICE drops a coin in the can GRANDMA enters in a candy-striper uniform with a big Red Cross on the bib-front )

GRANDMA Whew Boy is it normal Olt there

GOMEZ And this is our dear ~ittle Grandma the very sOll and spirit of the family

GRANDMA (starting over still sweet as pie

Hi I just came from the hospital Cardiac ward Boy theyre dropping like flies over there I tope YOJ re staying in shape Grains fresh fruit 40 minltes o~ the treadmill

ALICE I know I should b~t I dont do any of that

GRANDMA Well then youre gonna die honey

38

(FESTER enters wearing a preposterous toupee and holding a football r running for the end zone)

FESTER Are you ready for some football

(FESTER is the announcer to his solo game of football)

Festers got the ball Hes running Hes dodging ookit that sumbitc~ go Hes on the twenty - ~es rounding third -and touchdown The crowd goes wild

(FESTER makes three sounds like a uroaring crowd Hes a bit too close to Alice who has to turn away)

GOMEZ This is my brother Fester

FESTER (to Alice)

Nice a meet ya

(FESTER takes off his hair-piece in salutation ALICE shrieks FESTER puts t11e rug back on his head askew)

GOMEZ Thank you Fester

(The BEINEKES behold The Addams Family nervously GRALVDI1A looks like she might lick ALICE)

All rig~t go away now

GRANDMAFESTERFUGSLEY (waving)

GOODBYE

(And theyre gone)

GOMEZ And now for a welcoming toast from the extensive Addams caves

(LURCH enters wi th a tray)

39

MORTICIA Children youre exoused

WEDNESDAY Lucas corne on Dad remember shy

GOMEZ Not to worry paloma

(as the kids go) leave ehe door open y rear

(GOMEZ hands glasses out during--)

GOMEZ Ar~ Youre ooncerned they wi~ make the beast eh Not to worry my friend My daughter has a back belt in Tae Kwon Do~ He tr=-es anything shell rip his hroat OLIt

(toasts warmly) Io the children

(They toas t)

ALICE Excuse me Do yeu have a little rls room

GOMEZ We used to but e let them all go

(laughs delighted with himself) Wooo

MORTICIA Gomez

(to Alice) Come ith me dear Ill sho you

(During the above LURCH has collected the glasses from the quartet except for ALICE who retains hers despi te MALS bad look)

GOMEZ Morticia a gra~d tour for the missus And the mister and I will go below for some guy stuff Then dinner shy

MORTICIA And after dinner - The Game

40

I

MAL Oh yeah What knd of game

GOMEZ Did you ever play charades

MAL Yeah

GOMEZ Well ics nothing like that

(GOMEZ chuckles expectantly and leads l1AL dONn to the grotto Then as the LADIES climb the stairs--)

ALICE Did yOu get the flolers

MORTICIA Oh yes )-11d the lovely poem Wherever did yOcl find it

ALICE wrote it

MORTICIA No

ALICE (demcnstra tes)

l1When Im depressed or feeling blessed A poem will get it off my chest They come to me they take no They just pop out and always rhyme If

MORTICIA laybe you should see someone about that

ALICE And theyre always about the one thing everyone needs and so few have

MORTICIA Health care

ALICE ~hy love of courset

41

(They exi t Enter FESTER and ANCESTORS ANCESTORS voice skeptical remarks about love in between FESTERS lyrics)

Ita BUT LOVE REPRISE 1

FESTER LETS NOT TALK ABOUT ANTHING ELSE BUT LOVE WORTH REPEAT DIG LETS NOT TALK ABOUT 1NYTHING ELSE BUT LOVE CANT WE TALK ABOUT LOFTY GOALSshy

CAVEMANSOLDIERFLIGHT ATTENDANTGAMBLERCOURTESAN ANCESTOR JVATING SOULS-shyALTERING ~INDS AND FALTERING ROLESshy

FESTER Shhh

FESTER AND ANCESTORS LETS NOT TALK 130UT lNYTHING ELSE

(During which we transi tion the set into-)

42

SCENE 2

(MORTICIAS BOUDOIR)

(Revealing GOMEZ fencing with LURCH who holds his foil absolutely still while GOMEZ swipes at it extravagan )

GOMEZ Figh~ sir fight like a mar Fee~ the kiss of my Spanish steel Ha Ha HaJ Ha Foiled agair

(GOMEZ strikes LURCHs sword down LURCH pokes GOtfEZ wi th it)

Ow Damn your lighring relexes

(G0J1EZ retains his sword MORTICIA enters with a bouquet of yellow flowers )

MORTICIA Gomez look

GOMEZ Ugh FIOlers Who wOJld send something so ~as~eless

MORTICIA (reads the card)

The most precious gift here is More goody-licious thar gold Is that blessirg we call frierdship Whether reOl or very old

GOMEZ Goody-licious gtiho talks like this

(MORTICIA removes the flowers from the stemsDuring--)

MORTICIA The Beinekes edresdays friend Lucas ard his parents Theyre comirg for dinner tonight

GOMEZ L1Jcas

8

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ =Llt Lucas is a boys name

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ Wednesday has a friend whos a boy

(T~ey both look at Lurch Finally--)

MORTICIA Its nothing darling uppy ~ove

(hands Lurch the stems) Put these in water

(WEDNESDAY enters carrying her crossbow and a goose it~ an arrow sticking out of it)

WEDNESDAY Morn Dad I shot dinner

MORTICIA (taking it)

Or Wedresday thats lovely Wrerever did you find it

WEDNESDAY etting zoo

MORTICIA Thark you dear Come Lurch - e 11 whip up something really special And this time well actJa~ly cook it

(shares a laugh with Lurch) Oh Gomez - guests for dinner Fresh meat

(They exit WEDNESDAY looks nervously after them)

WEDNESDAY Daddy I ave something very important to tell you

GOMEZ What

9

WEDNESDAY Can yo~ keep a secret

(WEDNESDAY produces a ring from around her neck)

GOMEZ Of course

WEDNESDAY Look

GOMEZ If I didnt know any better Id say that looked like an engagemert ring

(she just looks at him) What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Oh daddy Lucas wants cO marry me

GOMEZ tlha t

WEDNESDAY Lucas Bei1eke lcves me and he wan-s to marry me

GOMEZ Jo you want cO marry him

WEDNESDAY Yes I think so

GOMEZ You think so

WEDNESDAY Well Ive never even met his parents and hes never met mine and - I just need to be sure

GOMEZ That hes the one

WEDNESDAY That the farrilies oan get along I nean he has to ltnow what hes getting into

10

GOMEZ What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Im saying we1re who we are and theyre from Ohio

GOMEZ (slicing the air wi th his sword)

Ohio A swing state

WEDNESDAY Thats what I mean

GOMEZ Youre right this is il1portant Lets go tell your mother

WEDNESDAY No

GOMEZ No But we have to tell your mother shy

WEDNESDAY Jaddy pleasel Shell ask a lot of el1Darrassing questions and wreck the whole thing

GOMEZ You dont want me to tell your mother youre getting married

WEDNESDAY After dinner and were all friends then well tell her

GOMEZ But Ive never kept anything from yOelr mother

WEDNESDAY (getting desperate)

Daddy pleasel

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY f yOel love me

11

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY Do you love me daddy

(DING WEDNESDAY freezes)

3A TWO THINGS

GOMEZ crH~RE A~ TWC THINGS I OC~D NEVER DO SAY NO TO I1Y WIFE SAY NC TO tn lAUGHTER SO WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO

(DING Lights restore)

Do you rea~ze what youre asking me to do

WEDNESDAY laddy one tiny little secret Please Please

[l1USIC IN]

GOMEZ OK OK I promise I wont your lother

WEDNESDAY Oh thank you daddy

(She starts to go turns back) Cur little secret right

GOMEZ Yes yes~ Our litte secret

(She runs off)

4 WEDNESDAYS GROWING UP

WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP BUT IM NOT READY WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP lS TIME SLIPS BY WHEN DID SHE BECOME SOMEONE ELSES CHUM

12

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

(FESTER enters wearing a preposterous toupee and holding a football r running for the end zone)

FESTER Are you ready for some football

(FESTER is the announcer to his solo game of football)

Festers got the ball Hes running Hes dodging ookit that sumbitc~ go Hes on the twenty - ~es rounding third -and touchdown The crowd goes wild

(FESTER makes three sounds like a uroaring crowd Hes a bit too close to Alice who has to turn away)

GOMEZ This is my brother Fester

FESTER (to Alice)

Nice a meet ya

(FESTER takes off his hair-piece in salutation ALICE shrieks FESTER puts t11e rug back on his head askew)

GOMEZ Thank you Fester

(The BEINEKES behold The Addams Family nervously GRALVDI1A looks like she might lick ALICE)

All rig~t go away now

GRANDMAFESTERFUGSLEY (waving)

GOODBYE

(And theyre gone)

GOMEZ And now for a welcoming toast from the extensive Addams caves

(LURCH enters wi th a tray)

39

MORTICIA Children youre exoused

WEDNESDAY Lucas corne on Dad remember shy

GOMEZ Not to worry paloma

(as the kids go) leave ehe door open y rear

(GOMEZ hands glasses out during--)

GOMEZ Ar~ Youre ooncerned they wi~ make the beast eh Not to worry my friend My daughter has a back belt in Tae Kwon Do~ He tr=-es anything shell rip his hroat OLIt

(toasts warmly) Io the children

(They toas t)

ALICE Excuse me Do yeu have a little rls room

GOMEZ We used to but e let them all go

(laughs delighted with himself) Wooo

MORTICIA Gomez

(to Alice) Come ith me dear Ill sho you

(During the above LURCH has collected the glasses from the quartet except for ALICE who retains hers despi te MALS bad look)

GOMEZ Morticia a gra~d tour for the missus And the mister and I will go below for some guy stuff Then dinner shy

MORTICIA And after dinner - The Game

40

I

MAL Oh yeah What knd of game

GOMEZ Did you ever play charades

MAL Yeah

GOMEZ Well ics nothing like that

(GOMEZ chuckles expectantly and leads l1AL dONn to the grotto Then as the LADIES climb the stairs--)

ALICE Did yOu get the flolers

MORTICIA Oh yes )-11d the lovely poem Wherever did yOcl find it

ALICE wrote it

MORTICIA No

ALICE (demcnstra tes)

l1When Im depressed or feeling blessed A poem will get it off my chest They come to me they take no They just pop out and always rhyme If

MORTICIA laybe you should see someone about that

ALICE And theyre always about the one thing everyone needs and so few have

MORTICIA Health care

ALICE ~hy love of courset

41

(They exi t Enter FESTER and ANCESTORS ANCESTORS voice skeptical remarks about love in between FESTERS lyrics)

Ita BUT LOVE REPRISE 1

FESTER LETS NOT TALK ABOUT ANTHING ELSE BUT LOVE WORTH REPEAT DIG LETS NOT TALK ABOUT 1NYTHING ELSE BUT LOVE CANT WE TALK ABOUT LOFTY GOALSshy

CAVEMANSOLDIERFLIGHT ATTENDANTGAMBLERCOURTESAN ANCESTOR JVATING SOULS-shyALTERING ~INDS AND FALTERING ROLESshy

FESTER Shhh

FESTER AND ANCESTORS LETS NOT TALK 130UT lNYTHING ELSE

(During which we transi tion the set into-)

42

SCENE 2

(MORTICIAS BOUDOIR)

(Revealing GOMEZ fencing with LURCH who holds his foil absolutely still while GOMEZ swipes at it extravagan )

GOMEZ Figh~ sir fight like a mar Fee~ the kiss of my Spanish steel Ha Ha HaJ Ha Foiled agair

(GOMEZ strikes LURCHs sword down LURCH pokes GOtfEZ wi th it)

Ow Damn your lighring relexes

(G0J1EZ retains his sword MORTICIA enters with a bouquet of yellow flowers )

MORTICIA Gomez look

GOMEZ Ugh FIOlers Who wOJld send something so ~as~eless

MORTICIA (reads the card)

The most precious gift here is More goody-licious thar gold Is that blessirg we call frierdship Whether reOl or very old

GOMEZ Goody-licious gtiho talks like this

(MORTICIA removes the flowers from the stemsDuring--)

MORTICIA The Beinekes edresdays friend Lucas ard his parents Theyre comirg for dinner tonight

GOMEZ L1Jcas

8

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ =Llt Lucas is a boys name

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ Wednesday has a friend whos a boy

(T~ey both look at Lurch Finally--)

MORTICIA Its nothing darling uppy ~ove

(hands Lurch the stems) Put these in water

(WEDNESDAY enters carrying her crossbow and a goose it~ an arrow sticking out of it)

WEDNESDAY Morn Dad I shot dinner

MORTICIA (taking it)

Or Wedresday thats lovely Wrerever did you find it

WEDNESDAY etting zoo

MORTICIA Thark you dear Come Lurch - e 11 whip up something really special And this time well actJa~ly cook it

(shares a laugh with Lurch) Oh Gomez - guests for dinner Fresh meat

(They exit WEDNESDAY looks nervously after them)

WEDNESDAY Daddy I ave something very important to tell you

GOMEZ What

9

WEDNESDAY Can yo~ keep a secret

(WEDNESDAY produces a ring from around her neck)

GOMEZ Of course

WEDNESDAY Look

GOMEZ If I didnt know any better Id say that looked like an engagemert ring

(she just looks at him) What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Oh daddy Lucas wants cO marry me

GOMEZ tlha t

WEDNESDAY Lucas Bei1eke lcves me and he wan-s to marry me

GOMEZ Jo you want cO marry him

WEDNESDAY Yes I think so

GOMEZ You think so

WEDNESDAY Well Ive never even met his parents and hes never met mine and - I just need to be sure

GOMEZ That hes the one

WEDNESDAY That the farrilies oan get along I nean he has to ltnow what hes getting into

10

GOMEZ What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Im saying we1re who we are and theyre from Ohio

GOMEZ (slicing the air wi th his sword)

Ohio A swing state

WEDNESDAY Thats what I mean

GOMEZ Youre right this is il1portant Lets go tell your mother

WEDNESDAY No

GOMEZ No But we have to tell your mother shy

WEDNESDAY Jaddy pleasel Shell ask a lot of el1Darrassing questions and wreck the whole thing

GOMEZ You dont want me to tell your mother youre getting married

WEDNESDAY After dinner and were all friends then well tell her

GOMEZ But Ive never kept anything from yOelr mother

WEDNESDAY (getting desperate)

Daddy pleasel

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY f yOel love me

11

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY Do you love me daddy

(DING WEDNESDAY freezes)

3A TWO THINGS

GOMEZ crH~RE A~ TWC THINGS I OC~D NEVER DO SAY NO TO I1Y WIFE SAY NC TO tn lAUGHTER SO WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO

(DING Lights restore)

Do you rea~ze what youre asking me to do

WEDNESDAY laddy one tiny little secret Please Please

[l1USIC IN]

GOMEZ OK OK I promise I wont your lother

WEDNESDAY Oh thank you daddy

(She starts to go turns back) Cur little secret right

GOMEZ Yes yes~ Our litte secret

(She runs off)

4 WEDNESDAYS GROWING UP

WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP BUT IM NOT READY WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP lS TIME SLIPS BY WHEN DID SHE BECOME SOMEONE ELSES CHUM

12

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

MORTICIA Children youre exoused

WEDNESDAY Lucas corne on Dad remember shy

GOMEZ Not to worry paloma

(as the kids go) leave ehe door open y rear

(GOMEZ hands glasses out during--)

GOMEZ Ar~ Youre ooncerned they wi~ make the beast eh Not to worry my friend My daughter has a back belt in Tae Kwon Do~ He tr=-es anything shell rip his hroat OLIt

(toasts warmly) Io the children

(They toas t)

ALICE Excuse me Do yeu have a little rls room

GOMEZ We used to but e let them all go

(laughs delighted with himself) Wooo

MORTICIA Gomez

(to Alice) Come ith me dear Ill sho you

(During the above LURCH has collected the glasses from the quartet except for ALICE who retains hers despi te MALS bad look)

GOMEZ Morticia a gra~d tour for the missus And the mister and I will go below for some guy stuff Then dinner shy

MORTICIA And after dinner - The Game

40

I

MAL Oh yeah What knd of game

GOMEZ Did you ever play charades

MAL Yeah

GOMEZ Well ics nothing like that

(GOMEZ chuckles expectantly and leads l1AL dONn to the grotto Then as the LADIES climb the stairs--)

ALICE Did yOu get the flolers

MORTICIA Oh yes )-11d the lovely poem Wherever did yOcl find it

ALICE wrote it

MORTICIA No

ALICE (demcnstra tes)

l1When Im depressed or feeling blessed A poem will get it off my chest They come to me they take no They just pop out and always rhyme If

MORTICIA laybe you should see someone about that

ALICE And theyre always about the one thing everyone needs and so few have

MORTICIA Health care

ALICE ~hy love of courset

41

(They exi t Enter FESTER and ANCESTORS ANCESTORS voice skeptical remarks about love in between FESTERS lyrics)

Ita BUT LOVE REPRISE 1

FESTER LETS NOT TALK ABOUT ANTHING ELSE BUT LOVE WORTH REPEAT DIG LETS NOT TALK ABOUT 1NYTHING ELSE BUT LOVE CANT WE TALK ABOUT LOFTY GOALSshy

CAVEMANSOLDIERFLIGHT ATTENDANTGAMBLERCOURTESAN ANCESTOR JVATING SOULS-shyALTERING ~INDS AND FALTERING ROLESshy

FESTER Shhh

FESTER AND ANCESTORS LETS NOT TALK 130UT lNYTHING ELSE

(During which we transi tion the set into-)

42

SCENE 2

(MORTICIAS BOUDOIR)

(Revealing GOMEZ fencing with LURCH who holds his foil absolutely still while GOMEZ swipes at it extravagan )

GOMEZ Figh~ sir fight like a mar Fee~ the kiss of my Spanish steel Ha Ha HaJ Ha Foiled agair

(GOMEZ strikes LURCHs sword down LURCH pokes GOtfEZ wi th it)

Ow Damn your lighring relexes

(G0J1EZ retains his sword MORTICIA enters with a bouquet of yellow flowers )

MORTICIA Gomez look

GOMEZ Ugh FIOlers Who wOJld send something so ~as~eless

MORTICIA (reads the card)

The most precious gift here is More goody-licious thar gold Is that blessirg we call frierdship Whether reOl or very old

GOMEZ Goody-licious gtiho talks like this

(MORTICIA removes the flowers from the stemsDuring--)

MORTICIA The Beinekes edresdays friend Lucas ard his parents Theyre comirg for dinner tonight

GOMEZ L1Jcas

8

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ =Llt Lucas is a boys name

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ Wednesday has a friend whos a boy

(T~ey both look at Lurch Finally--)

MORTICIA Its nothing darling uppy ~ove

(hands Lurch the stems) Put these in water

(WEDNESDAY enters carrying her crossbow and a goose it~ an arrow sticking out of it)

WEDNESDAY Morn Dad I shot dinner

MORTICIA (taking it)

Or Wedresday thats lovely Wrerever did you find it

WEDNESDAY etting zoo

MORTICIA Thark you dear Come Lurch - e 11 whip up something really special And this time well actJa~ly cook it

(shares a laugh with Lurch) Oh Gomez - guests for dinner Fresh meat

(They exit WEDNESDAY looks nervously after them)

WEDNESDAY Daddy I ave something very important to tell you

GOMEZ What

9

WEDNESDAY Can yo~ keep a secret

(WEDNESDAY produces a ring from around her neck)

GOMEZ Of course

WEDNESDAY Look

GOMEZ If I didnt know any better Id say that looked like an engagemert ring

(she just looks at him) What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Oh daddy Lucas wants cO marry me

GOMEZ tlha t

WEDNESDAY Lucas Bei1eke lcves me and he wan-s to marry me

GOMEZ Jo you want cO marry him

WEDNESDAY Yes I think so

GOMEZ You think so

WEDNESDAY Well Ive never even met his parents and hes never met mine and - I just need to be sure

GOMEZ That hes the one

WEDNESDAY That the farrilies oan get along I nean he has to ltnow what hes getting into

10

GOMEZ What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Im saying we1re who we are and theyre from Ohio

GOMEZ (slicing the air wi th his sword)

Ohio A swing state

WEDNESDAY Thats what I mean

GOMEZ Youre right this is il1portant Lets go tell your mother

WEDNESDAY No

GOMEZ No But we have to tell your mother shy

WEDNESDAY Jaddy pleasel Shell ask a lot of el1Darrassing questions and wreck the whole thing

GOMEZ You dont want me to tell your mother youre getting married

WEDNESDAY After dinner and were all friends then well tell her

GOMEZ But Ive never kept anything from yOelr mother

WEDNESDAY (getting desperate)

Daddy pleasel

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY f yOel love me

11

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY Do you love me daddy

(DING WEDNESDAY freezes)

3A TWO THINGS

GOMEZ crH~RE A~ TWC THINGS I OC~D NEVER DO SAY NO TO I1Y WIFE SAY NC TO tn lAUGHTER SO WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO

(DING Lights restore)

Do you rea~ze what youre asking me to do

WEDNESDAY laddy one tiny little secret Please Please

[l1USIC IN]

GOMEZ OK OK I promise I wont your lother

WEDNESDAY Oh thank you daddy

(She starts to go turns back) Cur little secret right

GOMEZ Yes yes~ Our litte secret

(She runs off)

4 WEDNESDAYS GROWING UP

WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP BUT IM NOT READY WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP lS TIME SLIPS BY WHEN DID SHE BECOME SOMEONE ELSES CHUM

12

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

I

MAL Oh yeah What knd of game

GOMEZ Did you ever play charades

MAL Yeah

GOMEZ Well ics nothing like that

(GOMEZ chuckles expectantly and leads l1AL dONn to the grotto Then as the LADIES climb the stairs--)

ALICE Did yOu get the flolers

MORTICIA Oh yes )-11d the lovely poem Wherever did yOcl find it

ALICE wrote it

MORTICIA No

ALICE (demcnstra tes)

l1When Im depressed or feeling blessed A poem will get it off my chest They come to me they take no They just pop out and always rhyme If

MORTICIA laybe you should see someone about that

ALICE And theyre always about the one thing everyone needs and so few have

MORTICIA Health care

ALICE ~hy love of courset

41

(They exi t Enter FESTER and ANCESTORS ANCESTORS voice skeptical remarks about love in between FESTERS lyrics)

Ita BUT LOVE REPRISE 1

FESTER LETS NOT TALK ABOUT ANTHING ELSE BUT LOVE WORTH REPEAT DIG LETS NOT TALK ABOUT 1NYTHING ELSE BUT LOVE CANT WE TALK ABOUT LOFTY GOALSshy

CAVEMANSOLDIERFLIGHT ATTENDANTGAMBLERCOURTESAN ANCESTOR JVATING SOULS-shyALTERING ~INDS AND FALTERING ROLESshy

FESTER Shhh

FESTER AND ANCESTORS LETS NOT TALK 130UT lNYTHING ELSE

(During which we transi tion the set into-)

42

SCENE 2

(MORTICIAS BOUDOIR)

(Revealing GOMEZ fencing with LURCH who holds his foil absolutely still while GOMEZ swipes at it extravagan )

GOMEZ Figh~ sir fight like a mar Fee~ the kiss of my Spanish steel Ha Ha HaJ Ha Foiled agair

(GOMEZ strikes LURCHs sword down LURCH pokes GOtfEZ wi th it)

Ow Damn your lighring relexes

(G0J1EZ retains his sword MORTICIA enters with a bouquet of yellow flowers )

MORTICIA Gomez look

GOMEZ Ugh FIOlers Who wOJld send something so ~as~eless

MORTICIA (reads the card)

The most precious gift here is More goody-licious thar gold Is that blessirg we call frierdship Whether reOl or very old

GOMEZ Goody-licious gtiho talks like this

(MORTICIA removes the flowers from the stemsDuring--)

MORTICIA The Beinekes edresdays friend Lucas ard his parents Theyre comirg for dinner tonight

GOMEZ L1Jcas

8

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ =Llt Lucas is a boys name

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ Wednesday has a friend whos a boy

(T~ey both look at Lurch Finally--)

MORTICIA Its nothing darling uppy ~ove

(hands Lurch the stems) Put these in water

(WEDNESDAY enters carrying her crossbow and a goose it~ an arrow sticking out of it)

WEDNESDAY Morn Dad I shot dinner

MORTICIA (taking it)

Or Wedresday thats lovely Wrerever did you find it

WEDNESDAY etting zoo

MORTICIA Thark you dear Come Lurch - e 11 whip up something really special And this time well actJa~ly cook it

(shares a laugh with Lurch) Oh Gomez - guests for dinner Fresh meat

(They exit WEDNESDAY looks nervously after them)

WEDNESDAY Daddy I ave something very important to tell you

GOMEZ What

9

WEDNESDAY Can yo~ keep a secret

(WEDNESDAY produces a ring from around her neck)

GOMEZ Of course

WEDNESDAY Look

GOMEZ If I didnt know any better Id say that looked like an engagemert ring

(she just looks at him) What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Oh daddy Lucas wants cO marry me

GOMEZ tlha t

WEDNESDAY Lucas Bei1eke lcves me and he wan-s to marry me

GOMEZ Jo you want cO marry him

WEDNESDAY Yes I think so

GOMEZ You think so

WEDNESDAY Well Ive never even met his parents and hes never met mine and - I just need to be sure

GOMEZ That hes the one

WEDNESDAY That the farrilies oan get along I nean he has to ltnow what hes getting into

10

GOMEZ What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Im saying we1re who we are and theyre from Ohio

GOMEZ (slicing the air wi th his sword)

Ohio A swing state

WEDNESDAY Thats what I mean

GOMEZ Youre right this is il1portant Lets go tell your mother

WEDNESDAY No

GOMEZ No But we have to tell your mother shy

WEDNESDAY Jaddy pleasel Shell ask a lot of el1Darrassing questions and wreck the whole thing

GOMEZ You dont want me to tell your mother youre getting married

WEDNESDAY After dinner and were all friends then well tell her

GOMEZ But Ive never kept anything from yOelr mother

WEDNESDAY (getting desperate)

Daddy pleasel

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY f yOel love me

11

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY Do you love me daddy

(DING WEDNESDAY freezes)

3A TWO THINGS

GOMEZ crH~RE A~ TWC THINGS I OC~D NEVER DO SAY NO TO I1Y WIFE SAY NC TO tn lAUGHTER SO WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO

(DING Lights restore)

Do you rea~ze what youre asking me to do

WEDNESDAY laddy one tiny little secret Please Please

[l1USIC IN]

GOMEZ OK OK I promise I wont your lother

WEDNESDAY Oh thank you daddy

(She starts to go turns back) Cur little secret right

GOMEZ Yes yes~ Our litte secret

(She runs off)

4 WEDNESDAYS GROWING UP

WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP BUT IM NOT READY WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP lS TIME SLIPS BY WHEN DID SHE BECOME SOMEONE ELSES CHUM

12

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

(They exi t Enter FESTER and ANCESTORS ANCESTORS voice skeptical remarks about love in between FESTERS lyrics)

Ita BUT LOVE REPRISE 1

FESTER LETS NOT TALK ABOUT ANTHING ELSE BUT LOVE WORTH REPEAT DIG LETS NOT TALK ABOUT 1NYTHING ELSE BUT LOVE CANT WE TALK ABOUT LOFTY GOALSshy

CAVEMANSOLDIERFLIGHT ATTENDANTGAMBLERCOURTESAN ANCESTOR JVATING SOULS-shyALTERING ~INDS AND FALTERING ROLESshy

FESTER Shhh

FESTER AND ANCESTORS LETS NOT TALK 130UT lNYTHING ELSE

(During which we transi tion the set into-)

42

SCENE 2

(MORTICIAS BOUDOIR)

(Revealing GOMEZ fencing with LURCH who holds his foil absolutely still while GOMEZ swipes at it extravagan )

GOMEZ Figh~ sir fight like a mar Fee~ the kiss of my Spanish steel Ha Ha HaJ Ha Foiled agair

(GOMEZ strikes LURCHs sword down LURCH pokes GOtfEZ wi th it)

Ow Damn your lighring relexes

(G0J1EZ retains his sword MORTICIA enters with a bouquet of yellow flowers )

MORTICIA Gomez look

GOMEZ Ugh FIOlers Who wOJld send something so ~as~eless

MORTICIA (reads the card)

The most precious gift here is More goody-licious thar gold Is that blessirg we call frierdship Whether reOl or very old

GOMEZ Goody-licious gtiho talks like this

(MORTICIA removes the flowers from the stemsDuring--)

MORTICIA The Beinekes edresdays friend Lucas ard his parents Theyre comirg for dinner tonight

GOMEZ L1Jcas

8

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ =Llt Lucas is a boys name

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ Wednesday has a friend whos a boy

(T~ey both look at Lurch Finally--)

MORTICIA Its nothing darling uppy ~ove

(hands Lurch the stems) Put these in water

(WEDNESDAY enters carrying her crossbow and a goose it~ an arrow sticking out of it)

WEDNESDAY Morn Dad I shot dinner

MORTICIA (taking it)

Or Wedresday thats lovely Wrerever did you find it

WEDNESDAY etting zoo

MORTICIA Thark you dear Come Lurch - e 11 whip up something really special And this time well actJa~ly cook it

(shares a laugh with Lurch) Oh Gomez - guests for dinner Fresh meat

(They exit WEDNESDAY looks nervously after them)

WEDNESDAY Daddy I ave something very important to tell you

GOMEZ What

9

WEDNESDAY Can yo~ keep a secret

(WEDNESDAY produces a ring from around her neck)

GOMEZ Of course

WEDNESDAY Look

GOMEZ If I didnt know any better Id say that looked like an engagemert ring

(she just looks at him) What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Oh daddy Lucas wants cO marry me

GOMEZ tlha t

WEDNESDAY Lucas Bei1eke lcves me and he wan-s to marry me

GOMEZ Jo you want cO marry him

WEDNESDAY Yes I think so

GOMEZ You think so

WEDNESDAY Well Ive never even met his parents and hes never met mine and - I just need to be sure

GOMEZ That hes the one

WEDNESDAY That the farrilies oan get along I nean he has to ltnow what hes getting into

10

GOMEZ What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Im saying we1re who we are and theyre from Ohio

GOMEZ (slicing the air wi th his sword)

Ohio A swing state

WEDNESDAY Thats what I mean

GOMEZ Youre right this is il1portant Lets go tell your mother

WEDNESDAY No

GOMEZ No But we have to tell your mother shy

WEDNESDAY Jaddy pleasel Shell ask a lot of el1Darrassing questions and wreck the whole thing

GOMEZ You dont want me to tell your mother youre getting married

WEDNESDAY After dinner and were all friends then well tell her

GOMEZ But Ive never kept anything from yOelr mother

WEDNESDAY (getting desperate)

Daddy pleasel

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY f yOel love me

11

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY Do you love me daddy

(DING WEDNESDAY freezes)

3A TWO THINGS

GOMEZ crH~RE A~ TWC THINGS I OC~D NEVER DO SAY NO TO I1Y WIFE SAY NC TO tn lAUGHTER SO WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO

(DING Lights restore)

Do you rea~ze what youre asking me to do

WEDNESDAY laddy one tiny little secret Please Please

[l1USIC IN]

GOMEZ OK OK I promise I wont your lother

WEDNESDAY Oh thank you daddy

(She starts to go turns back) Cur little secret right

GOMEZ Yes yes~ Our litte secret

(She runs off)

4 WEDNESDAYS GROWING UP

WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP BUT IM NOT READY WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP lS TIME SLIPS BY WHEN DID SHE BECOME SOMEONE ELSES CHUM

12

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

SCENE 2

(MORTICIAS BOUDOIR)

(Revealing GOMEZ fencing with LURCH who holds his foil absolutely still while GOMEZ swipes at it extravagan )

GOMEZ Figh~ sir fight like a mar Fee~ the kiss of my Spanish steel Ha Ha HaJ Ha Foiled agair

(GOMEZ strikes LURCHs sword down LURCH pokes GOtfEZ wi th it)

Ow Damn your lighring relexes

(G0J1EZ retains his sword MORTICIA enters with a bouquet of yellow flowers )

MORTICIA Gomez look

GOMEZ Ugh FIOlers Who wOJld send something so ~as~eless

MORTICIA (reads the card)

The most precious gift here is More goody-licious thar gold Is that blessirg we call frierdship Whether reOl or very old

GOMEZ Goody-licious gtiho talks like this

(MORTICIA removes the flowers from the stemsDuring--)

MORTICIA The Beinekes edresdays friend Lucas ard his parents Theyre comirg for dinner tonight

GOMEZ L1Jcas

8

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ =Llt Lucas is a boys name

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ Wednesday has a friend whos a boy

(T~ey both look at Lurch Finally--)

MORTICIA Its nothing darling uppy ~ove

(hands Lurch the stems) Put these in water

(WEDNESDAY enters carrying her crossbow and a goose it~ an arrow sticking out of it)

WEDNESDAY Morn Dad I shot dinner

MORTICIA (taking it)

Or Wedresday thats lovely Wrerever did you find it

WEDNESDAY etting zoo

MORTICIA Thark you dear Come Lurch - e 11 whip up something really special And this time well actJa~ly cook it

(shares a laugh with Lurch) Oh Gomez - guests for dinner Fresh meat

(They exit WEDNESDAY looks nervously after them)

WEDNESDAY Daddy I ave something very important to tell you

GOMEZ What

9

WEDNESDAY Can yo~ keep a secret

(WEDNESDAY produces a ring from around her neck)

GOMEZ Of course

WEDNESDAY Look

GOMEZ If I didnt know any better Id say that looked like an engagemert ring

(she just looks at him) What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Oh daddy Lucas wants cO marry me

GOMEZ tlha t

WEDNESDAY Lucas Bei1eke lcves me and he wan-s to marry me

GOMEZ Jo you want cO marry him

WEDNESDAY Yes I think so

GOMEZ You think so

WEDNESDAY Well Ive never even met his parents and hes never met mine and - I just need to be sure

GOMEZ That hes the one

WEDNESDAY That the farrilies oan get along I nean he has to ltnow what hes getting into

10

GOMEZ What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Im saying we1re who we are and theyre from Ohio

GOMEZ (slicing the air wi th his sword)

Ohio A swing state

WEDNESDAY Thats what I mean

GOMEZ Youre right this is il1portant Lets go tell your mother

WEDNESDAY No

GOMEZ No But we have to tell your mother shy

WEDNESDAY Jaddy pleasel Shell ask a lot of el1Darrassing questions and wreck the whole thing

GOMEZ You dont want me to tell your mother youre getting married

WEDNESDAY After dinner and were all friends then well tell her

GOMEZ But Ive never kept anything from yOelr mother

WEDNESDAY (getting desperate)

Daddy pleasel

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY f yOel love me

11

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY Do you love me daddy

(DING WEDNESDAY freezes)

3A TWO THINGS

GOMEZ crH~RE A~ TWC THINGS I OC~D NEVER DO SAY NO TO I1Y WIFE SAY NC TO tn lAUGHTER SO WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO

(DING Lights restore)

Do you rea~ze what youre asking me to do

WEDNESDAY laddy one tiny little secret Please Please

[l1USIC IN]

GOMEZ OK OK I promise I wont your lother

WEDNESDAY Oh thank you daddy

(She starts to go turns back) Cur little secret right

GOMEZ Yes yes~ Our litte secret

(She runs off)

4 WEDNESDAYS GROWING UP

WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP BUT IM NOT READY WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP lS TIME SLIPS BY WHEN DID SHE BECOME SOMEONE ELSES CHUM

12

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ =Llt Lucas is a boys name

MORTICIA Yes

GOMEZ Wednesday has a friend whos a boy

(T~ey both look at Lurch Finally--)

MORTICIA Its nothing darling uppy ~ove

(hands Lurch the stems) Put these in water

(WEDNESDAY enters carrying her crossbow and a goose it~ an arrow sticking out of it)

WEDNESDAY Morn Dad I shot dinner

MORTICIA (taking it)

Or Wedresday thats lovely Wrerever did you find it

WEDNESDAY etting zoo

MORTICIA Thark you dear Come Lurch - e 11 whip up something really special And this time well actJa~ly cook it

(shares a laugh with Lurch) Oh Gomez - guests for dinner Fresh meat

(They exit WEDNESDAY looks nervously after them)

WEDNESDAY Daddy I ave something very important to tell you

GOMEZ What

9

WEDNESDAY Can yo~ keep a secret

(WEDNESDAY produces a ring from around her neck)

GOMEZ Of course

WEDNESDAY Look

GOMEZ If I didnt know any better Id say that looked like an engagemert ring

(she just looks at him) What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Oh daddy Lucas wants cO marry me

GOMEZ tlha t

WEDNESDAY Lucas Bei1eke lcves me and he wan-s to marry me

GOMEZ Jo you want cO marry him

WEDNESDAY Yes I think so

GOMEZ You think so

WEDNESDAY Well Ive never even met his parents and hes never met mine and - I just need to be sure

GOMEZ That hes the one

WEDNESDAY That the farrilies oan get along I nean he has to ltnow what hes getting into

10

GOMEZ What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Im saying we1re who we are and theyre from Ohio

GOMEZ (slicing the air wi th his sword)

Ohio A swing state

WEDNESDAY Thats what I mean

GOMEZ Youre right this is il1portant Lets go tell your mother

WEDNESDAY No

GOMEZ No But we have to tell your mother shy

WEDNESDAY Jaddy pleasel Shell ask a lot of el1Darrassing questions and wreck the whole thing

GOMEZ You dont want me to tell your mother youre getting married

WEDNESDAY After dinner and were all friends then well tell her

GOMEZ But Ive never kept anything from yOelr mother

WEDNESDAY (getting desperate)

Daddy pleasel

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY f yOel love me

11

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY Do you love me daddy

(DING WEDNESDAY freezes)

3A TWO THINGS

GOMEZ crH~RE A~ TWC THINGS I OC~D NEVER DO SAY NO TO I1Y WIFE SAY NC TO tn lAUGHTER SO WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO

(DING Lights restore)

Do you rea~ze what youre asking me to do

WEDNESDAY laddy one tiny little secret Please Please

[l1USIC IN]

GOMEZ OK OK I promise I wont your lother

WEDNESDAY Oh thank you daddy

(She starts to go turns back) Cur little secret right

GOMEZ Yes yes~ Our litte secret

(She runs off)

4 WEDNESDAYS GROWING UP

WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP BUT IM NOT READY WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP lS TIME SLIPS BY WHEN DID SHE BECOME SOMEONE ELSES CHUM

12

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

WEDNESDAY Can yo~ keep a secret

(WEDNESDAY produces a ring from around her neck)

GOMEZ Of course

WEDNESDAY Look

GOMEZ If I didnt know any better Id say that looked like an engagemert ring

(she just looks at him) What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Oh daddy Lucas wants cO marry me

GOMEZ tlha t

WEDNESDAY Lucas Bei1eke lcves me and he wan-s to marry me

GOMEZ Jo you want cO marry him

WEDNESDAY Yes I think so

GOMEZ You think so

WEDNESDAY Well Ive never even met his parents and hes never met mine and - I just need to be sure

GOMEZ That hes the one

WEDNESDAY That the farrilies oan get along I nean he has to ltnow what hes getting into

10

GOMEZ What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Im saying we1re who we are and theyre from Ohio

GOMEZ (slicing the air wi th his sword)

Ohio A swing state

WEDNESDAY Thats what I mean

GOMEZ Youre right this is il1portant Lets go tell your mother

WEDNESDAY No

GOMEZ No But we have to tell your mother shy

WEDNESDAY Jaddy pleasel Shell ask a lot of el1Darrassing questions and wreck the whole thing

GOMEZ You dont want me to tell your mother youre getting married

WEDNESDAY After dinner and were all friends then well tell her

GOMEZ But Ive never kept anything from yOelr mother

WEDNESDAY (getting desperate)

Daddy pleasel

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY f yOel love me

11

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY Do you love me daddy

(DING WEDNESDAY freezes)

3A TWO THINGS

GOMEZ crH~RE A~ TWC THINGS I OC~D NEVER DO SAY NO TO I1Y WIFE SAY NC TO tn lAUGHTER SO WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO

(DING Lights restore)

Do you rea~ze what youre asking me to do

WEDNESDAY laddy one tiny little secret Please Please

[l1USIC IN]

GOMEZ OK OK I promise I wont your lother

WEDNESDAY Oh thank you daddy

(She starts to go turns back) Cur little secret right

GOMEZ Yes yes~ Our litte secret

(She runs off)

4 WEDNESDAYS GROWING UP

WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP BUT IM NOT READY WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP lS TIME SLIPS BY WHEN DID SHE BECOME SOMEONE ELSES CHUM

12

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

GOMEZ What are you saying

WEDNESDAY Im saying we1re who we are and theyre from Ohio

GOMEZ (slicing the air wi th his sword)

Ohio A swing state

WEDNESDAY Thats what I mean

GOMEZ Youre right this is il1portant Lets go tell your mother

WEDNESDAY No

GOMEZ No But we have to tell your mother shy

WEDNESDAY Jaddy pleasel Shell ask a lot of el1Darrassing questions and wreck the whole thing

GOMEZ You dont want me to tell your mother youre getting married

WEDNESDAY After dinner and were all friends then well tell her

GOMEZ But Ive never kept anything from yOelr mother

WEDNESDAY (getting desperate)

Daddy pleasel

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY f yOel love me

11

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY Do you love me daddy

(DING WEDNESDAY freezes)

3A TWO THINGS

GOMEZ crH~RE A~ TWC THINGS I OC~D NEVER DO SAY NO TO I1Y WIFE SAY NC TO tn lAUGHTER SO WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO

(DING Lights restore)

Do you rea~ze what youre asking me to do

WEDNESDAY laddy one tiny little secret Please Please

[l1USIC IN]

GOMEZ OK OK I promise I wont your lother

WEDNESDAY Oh thank you daddy

(She starts to go turns back) Cur little secret right

GOMEZ Yes yes~ Our litte secret

(She runs off)

4 WEDNESDAYS GROWING UP

WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP BUT IM NOT READY WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP lS TIME SLIPS BY WHEN DID SHE BECOME SOMEONE ELSES CHUM

12

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

GOMEZ But-

WEDNESDAY Do you love me daddy

(DING WEDNESDAY freezes)

3A TWO THINGS

GOMEZ crH~RE A~ TWC THINGS I OC~D NEVER DO SAY NO TO I1Y WIFE SAY NC TO tn lAUGHTER SO WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO

(DING Lights restore)

Do you rea~ze what youre asking me to do

WEDNESDAY laddy one tiny little secret Please Please

[l1USIC IN]

GOMEZ OK OK I promise I wont your lother

WEDNESDAY Oh thank you daddy

(She starts to go turns back) Cur little secret right

GOMEZ Yes yes~ Our litte secret

(She runs off)

4 WEDNESDAYS GROWING UP

WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP BUT IM NOT READY WEDJESDAYS GROWING UP lS TIME SLIPS BY WHEN DID SHE BECOME SOMEONE ELSES CHUM

12

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

GOMEZ (CONT) SOMEONE ELSE TO 1llt3E HE FAHER iOlJDER ui-JHY OR WHY II

-JEDNESDAYS GROWING UP (spoken)

She 2 be hJrsday befare yau krow it (sung)

A PUZZLING THING A SECRET IN THE HOUSE A BOY A GIRL A RING

(MORTICIA enters)

MORTICIA Sorrethirgs wre1g with Wed1esday

GOMEZ What de you mean

MORTICIA Shes in the kitchen smiling Like this Maybe it is this boy

GOMEZ This boy Dont be si22y Ha I say And doub2e hal Ha-ha You yourself said puppy love

(turns to go) Came darling - I feel an urge to take you in my arms Lets go upstairs

MORTICIA Gamez

GOMEZ (stops turns)

On the otrec rane sre is a heal thy young womar Like you were Are Like you are She could even fall in love and get married Like you did

MORTI CIA Dant be ridiculous Gomez Im much too yourg to have a married daughter

GOMEZ 0= coucse I didnt think of that

13

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

MORTICIA Bes~des shell have ots of boys

GOMEZ How do you know

MORTICIA Because shes my daugrter

GOMEZ Yes but what if - and I rave no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stoe her heart

MORTICIA Dont be silly When that happens I~l be the first to know Wednesday tells ICe everything Just like you do

(DING MORTICIA freezes)

5 TRAPPED

GOMEZ THE(E ARE THREE THINGS I ~OCLD NVER DO LE TO MY WIFE LI TO MY DAUGHTER OR TELL THE TRUTH TO EITHER ONE shy

(DING Lights restore MORTICIA peers at GOMEZ closely)

MORTICIA Gomez you do te~ me everything dont you

GOMEZ Of courset

MORTICIA ah ry Youre perspiring

GOMEZ Wtat

MORTICIA I hope youre not coming down vIi th a case of Liars Shingles

(She starts to exit)

14

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

GOMEZ No No

(She turns back)

MORTICIA I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat

(She exits GOMEZ is racked with guilt)

GOMEZ LIKE A BULL IN THE RING LIKE THE ~10DERATE RIGHT-WING IIM TAA2PED LIKE A FLY IN MY TEA OR THE NEVI YORK DMV II1 T1PPED

WmH MY VlIFE TO MY LEFT AND MY DAUG3TER O I1Y RIGHT ANY THOUGHT OF MY ESCAPING MUST BE SCRAPPED I COULD CHOOSE SING THE 3JES BUT NO JVilTTER HA I DOS 111 T~~PPED TRAPPED TRAPPED

LIKE A BOAT IN A LOCK OR A CUCKOO IN A CLOCK IM TRAPPED LIKE A CORSE IN THE G~OUND OR LIKE THEATER IN THE ROUND I 11 T~~PPED

I COJLD CRY I COULD LIE I COULD SIMPLY UP AND DIE BUT I FEAR HE DICE IVE ROLLED HAVE FINALLY CRAPPED SHOULD I BEG SHOULD I ~~GE

OR STAY SAFELY IN 1Y CAGE HOVl TRAPPED TRAPED TRAPPED

(MORTICIA and WEDNESDAY enter on opposite sides of GOMEZ he makes a

sound as they cross him and exit)

15

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16

GOMEZ (CONT) EO~] CAN I KEP A SCRT ROM TH WOI1AN I ADORE TEE BITTER BREEZE THAT KEEPS ME HRE AND COMING BACK OR MORE SHE STOKES THE ADDfu~S IRE SHE HARBORS ACH DSIRE ID NEVER TELL HER LIES BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTE~ CRIES HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED THEN TO TU~N THE OTHER CHEEK SHOULD I NOT BE HR HERO STEAD 0 SNIVELING AND WEAK ILL PICK THE ROUTE THATS TRUE TLL ME WHAT I MUST DO

SHOUlD I GRIE SHOULD I GROAN WOULD I RATHE~ PASS A STONE TRAPPED WIFE GONE WILD C~AZY CHILD LITTLE ME U)JRECONCILED IM TRAPPED

I IM WRONG ILL BE STRONG ~~D WELL TRY TO GET ALONG OR ILL FAIL HAVE TO BAIL SHO~] MY COFFIN TO THE NAIL IF I NAPPED IF I SNAPPED MAYBE DINNER WOULD BE SCR~PPED

THEN I WOULDNT BE shyTRAPPED TRAPPED TRAED

(GOMEZ sipes a t the TASSEL wi th his blade The TASSEL falls to the floor springs to life and scurries off)

TRAPED

(On applause the curtain shifts closing on GOPpoundZ revealing IlEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY

16