j

A

BURLESQUE, AND ITS HISTORY.

\

A BURLESQUE, AND IT S HISTORY.

A b o r l e s q o k , however entertaining it m ight prove in representation, would not have been exactly the kind o f composition I should have subm itted to m y readers had it not been that the one here presented has a special interest as illustrative o f the difficulties attendant on literary enterprise in the Australian colonies.

It is somewhat singular that w hile nearly every class is clamouring for protection, the dramatic author, who suffers most from unfair competition, is never considered.

Either by some defect o f the Copyright Act, or some evasion of it, I am not sufficiently versed in law to say which, our theatrical managers are enabled to re-produce, at an average cost o f ninepence each, such pieces as have been stamped w ith success in the mother country.

How far managers invade the legal rights o f E nglish authors by such practice it is not for me to consider; I alone know that owing to its general adoption is due the non-production of the burlesque o f “ Frankenstein ” at the Theatre Royal, during the Christmas season o f 1863.

And here let me be fully understood as not in any­wise insinuating aught to the disparagement o f Mr. Barry Sullivan, the lessee. In refusing that gentlem an’s offer for my piece of twenty pounds (w hich sum I subse-1 quently but too late consented to take), I was actuated I by the consideration that for an original composition employing considerable tim e and brain-work the am ount was inadequate, while Mr. Sullivan, from an opposite point of view, was doubtless justified in conceiving h is oner sufficiently liberal, seeing that from the practice I

08 l EDBLE3QDE, AKD ITS HISTORY.

havo before alluded to he could secure a piece for nine- pence, as good as, perhaps better than m ine, and possess­ing the prestige of a London success and the nam e of a popular author. The result justified h is judgm ent, as “ Lalla ltookh ” proved as successful before the public as “ Frankenstein," although new in subject and treatment, could possibly have done.

Thus “ Frankenstein’’ was shelved until the Christ­mas season of 1864,-when I made an effort towards its production at the Haymarket. Approved by Mr. H os­kins, the lessee, and by Mr. Henry Edwards, then stage manager, I had the misfortune to unconsciously offend Lady Don (owing to a disagreement with her agent), and her ladyship’s refusal to play in it— she then b e in g a star in the ascendant—sealed its fate for that year— whether for ever remains to be proved.

It is possible that theatrical managers now having an opportunity to avail themselves alter the usual cheap mode of a subject hitherto untreated, and capable of presentation, with some slight modification (substitution of local hits on current events for the forgotten incidents of 1883),* may yet afford me the pleasure, i f not the profit, of seeing “ Frankenstein ” on the boards. Perhaps one of the most distinguished burlesque writers, whom I will not permit myself to name here, but to whom th is book will find its way, may, at my desire, and out of recognition of an old acquaintance, not disdain to correct its crudities by some touches of his elegant and facile pen, and so present it to a London audience, in order that it may hereafter attain in due course acceptance at a colonial theatre.

• For obvious reasons I have refrained from altering the original, although aware it ia susceptible of much improvement

9 9

c .- -

THE B U R L E S Q U E

T H E M A N - G O R I L L A .

CHARACTERS:

FRANKENSTEIN.ALPHONSE (n is F a th er) .CAROLINE (h is Mother).WILLIAM iERNEST ) <HIS BR0TnERS)'ELIZABETH ( h is Co d sin a n d B etrothed).THE MONSTER.CLERVAL (F r a n k enstein’s F ellow-Student). JUSTINE (N u r se to E rnest).ALFERD (P ro fessor o f N atu ral H istory). WALDMAN (P rofessor of Ch em istry). MAGISTRATE.INSPECTOR.JOSEPH DOBOY (Confectioner).

Policemen, P easants, S tudents, S ailors, a n d P ir ates .

OF

1 0 0 FHANXEXSTEIN

PROGRAMME: SCENERY AND INCIDENTS.

1st Scene: Coixra* Hail..Lecture-Dialogue, Frankenstein and Clerval—Interview between Frankenstein, Alphonse and Elizabeth—Chorus : Professors and Students.. Air “ Breakdown.’’—Duet: Frankenstein and Eliza­beth. .Air “Buys Broom.”

2nd „ Cavb .. Frankenstein creates the Monster—Justine andJoe conrting—the Monster carries away Ernest— Solo: the Monster..Air “Nixmy Dolly. Pals,”— Duet: Joe and Justine.. Air “ Giles Scroggins.”

3ri „ Swi3S Cijalet..Justine accused of murder—Seizure ofeverbody by Police, frustrated—ChoruB : Policemen and Prisoners. .Air “Pop goes the Weasel.”

1th „ A Room. .Frankenstein's interview with the Monster—Tb s Compact.

5th „ Coast Scenb..Frankenstein and Clerval—Appearanceof the Monster—Flight of Frankenstein in boat— Duet: Clerval and Frankenstein. Air “Down among the Dead Men."

6th „ Forest—the Monster carries off Alphonse and Caroline.7th „ Swiss Chalet—Return of Frankenstein—Elizabeth

carried off by the Monster—Duet: Frankenstein and Elizabeth.. Air “ Auld Langsyne.”

8th „ Fobest--Frankenstein in pursuit of the Monster-Solo : Frankenstein. .Air “ Poor Mary Ann.”

8th „ Frozen Regions and Crtstal Oavehkb .. The prisoners—Combat between Frankenstein and Sailors and Monster and Pirates—Frankenstein triumphant— Tableau.

A BURLESQUE. 101

F R A N K E N S T E I N .

SCENE I.College Hall, Tables, Forms, Professor’s Chair.

Professor A l f e r d and U s h e b discovered.

Alf. Summon the natural-history-class (U sher going out)[and here,

Bring me a pipe and can o f lager beer, (exit Usher) For natural h istory’s a science dry,And better “ damp my clay” than pipe m y eye.

Enter F rankenstein , Cl erv a l , and other Students, with pipes and pannikins. A l fe r d bows to each as he enters. Usher brings pipe and can to A l fe r d ,

Alf. (Looking towards entrance.) A h ! D octor Waldman [con ies: the sceptic D onkey,

Who would have man to be the heir to m o n k ey ; Who bones the feet o f finger-footed apes,And at th e fa tid members cuts and scrapes To prove a fo o t’s a hand, as i f w hen proved,A man would be a m onkey once removed, [friend, The in fidel! the d ev il! (W a l d m a n enters.) Ah, my A thousand w elcom es; (Aside) and a bitter end.

Wal. I come, dear brother, to attend your lecture, [you. Alf. I ’m quite delighted ; (Aside) may the fiend dissect

To Students, who are seated smoking and drinking.Now ge itlemen— attention. My discourse To day shall be of Man. Ahem ! I ’m hoarse. (Drinks.) (Students laugh.) No horse-laughs, gentlem en— the

Wal.(Aside.) You are no Soloman. [subject’s solemn._ Firm like a colum n,

Amidst inferior anim als Man stands,And walks upon h is feet and not h is hands.

103 FRANKENSTEIN :

There are some scoffers say that the Gorilla, {Glares [defiantly at W aldmah.)

Between the man and smaller monkeys fill a Long missing link—but this is hum bug— r o t !I, Alferd, say it. [furiously.)

Wax, And I say i t ’s not. (Regards A l f .Al f . Y ou say i t ’s not, you barebones— you pretender—

You quack—you drug— you patent m ed’cine vendor.Descends from chair, and makes a I low at Walbmas with his pipe.

W it m h defends himself with the bone o f an animal. Students range themselves on either side. Al.FEIUJ and W a LDMa s sing, xtudents with AtFEBD repeating 1«< anti 3rd lines; those with Waldmah 2mI and ith ; and beating an accompaniment on their pannikins.

“ b r e a k -dow n .”

Aur. Adam was the first of men,W aL. ' Gorilla's youngest brother,Aw. Tou 're a stupid fool, then;WaI . Alferd, you 're auother.They jo oat with students dancing and fighting, a ll except F ra n k ­

enstein.

Fb. I f it be true, as it is thought by some (Colenso-led), the pentateuch’s a hum,Then, perhaps Adam was n’t born at all,But tumbled up complete before his fa ll.May be, the story told of Adam’s rib By Moses is a jeu d’esprit—a fib

' On woman’s lore of rib-bones— a bad j e s t :Just so. And thus it might be of the rest,That all tho animals within the ark,The dove inclusive, were but a mere— lark.(Pause.)Perchance the tale of life spontaneous grow ing It something more than scientific b low in g;If so—(and flour and vinegar ’tis said Turn to live eels, and not to fancy hre(a)d,It might be possible to make by skill a Man—or, at least, his nearest kin— gorilla.Spectres have had their day— they fail to draw ;I ’11 strive to make an ape with Milton’s jaw.

A BURLESQUE. 1 0 3

(Thoughtfully.) Is man of m onkey born ?

Enter C l e r v a l .

Cl. T hat is the questionWhich worries Alferd—

Fb.' Injures m y digestion—Man i s -------

Cu Is what ?Fr. A m ystery of m ysteries

The unconnected page of natural histories.Cl. The “ pretty page," he that “ looks out afar ? ”

And asks of Adam “ W ho was your m am m a?”Was she a siren— and your sire was he

Fr. Gorilla, whose descent was from —Cx. A treeFr. Man is an animal.Cl. T hat’s undisputed

And that alone o f all the theories bruited Fr. An animal of w hich the species dun

Is the m cst savage and most beastly one ;Behold the written proof (shews writs, Sc.) b ills,

• [threatening letters.Cl. A h! duns detail m ost horrid tales to debtors

Those are the duns that you and I should do.Fr. I ask a suit— m y tailor makes me two

One which I wear— the suit I never sought —Cl. You have at home ?Fr. No, in the County Court.

For shirts and collars washed— m y washerwoman Is choleric, shirty, and no longer hum an While hatters, “ mad as hatters,” cap a ll others

Cl. And bonnet usFr. W ho should be m en and brothers.

Boot makers, too, bootless m y footsteps cloy.Cl. Such are the “ heels o f life.” B ut I m ust jog—

Waldman to-day dissects— he needs m y aid :Fr. “ So long ” then— cut away m y jovial blade.

E xit C l e b v a l .

104 FRANKENSTEIN :

Enter B i i i i r r , w m F iu k k e n s t e i h with rummtmt, and goes out.

Fit. A summons {reads) “ Schneider versus Frankenstein As p er account herewith,” hum, “ s is pounds n in e .”

Enter Bot.

Bor Please, mother sent me, Sir, for one pound eight. Fr. I have no change.B oy Please, Sir, I am told to w ait.Fr. To wait t I want no waiters, stupid lout, \loy out.)

So if you want to wait—why, wait without. IKicksEnter Boon! A K in, pair boots in hand.

B oot. Sir, my account. I have a bill to pay.F r . And so have I , Sir,— your’s— but not to-day ;B oot. I ’ve called a hundred times, I ’11 call no more.F r . Thank you—that’s kind. Allow me (shews door)

[thero’s the door. (Exit B o o t m a k e e .) What is the end of this ? Razor or rope ?N o ! neither yet, for while there’s life th ere’s hope. My baboon yet may prove a great success,If 1 can make him walk and ta lk ; no les3I do anticipate. My spirits riseThere's yet some speculation in my eyes. (Looks

[towards Entrance.) A h ! here’s my father— and my lovely Bet,If.he were farther off, ’twere better yet,For much I fear he of my debts hath heard,So from our union may be thus deterred.But no ! he looks not wrath. Father !

H it) to A i p n o s s i who enter) with E lizabeth .

Alto. My b o y !F r . (Aside.) He buoys me up—(aloud, embracing E l iz a ­

b e t h ) Elizabeth— Oh j o y !0 b liss! 0 scissors! I'm a happy man.(To orchestra.) Play the cantata of the “ tater-can,” Or stay (to E liza b eth ) We ’11 have a dance— a pas-

[de-deux.(To A lph o nse) Do Pa sit down. Now B et, I ’11 set

[to yo u .

A BURLESQUE. 1 0 5

They dance and sing, A l p h o n s e accompanying on a penny tin Jlute.A i r .— “ B u y a B r o o m . "

Euz, Oh when Bhall I be marri-«rf,Marri-ed, Marri-£<£

Frank, dear, too long you ’ye tarri-erf,Buy a broom.

Fb. Dear Bessy, I shall be very glad,Very glad,Very glad,

To marry you when ancient dadHas furnished a room.

Euz. \ ,T *T_„ \ f Oh, do furnish a room.Fb. j ' ‘ | Will you furnish a room.

(Both ckmcing round him .) Buy a broom. Buy a broom. A lfh . A furn ished room I ’ve not— two em pty attics

A re at you r service.E liz . Y es ! and too rheumaticsFb. Horrid, not torid 1 I the g ift eschew,

An empty attic's a tic doloreux.Alph. W ell! w e ll! m y children, let me hear your wishes,

What, do you need ?E l iz . A knead-ing pan

' F r. And dishes,E liz . Pots, pans, and plates— a gridiron— a kettle,F r. A coffee pot— a tea potE liz . German m eta l;Fr. A bedstead, table—E liz. C hest o f drawers—F r . A n d ch airs,E liz . A floorcloth—F r. And a drugget for the sta irs;E liz . Spoons, knives and forks, a—Fb. Soup and gravy ladle.Alph. Is that all ?E liz . N o ! not quite— a bedF r. A n d cradle.A lfh .I ’11 think o f it. B u t now, Frank, hear m y plan—

“ The noblest study o f m ankind is man.”E liz. Woman !Alph . Ah, bah ! T o gain that useful knowledge

You ’11 stay another year at th is here college. *

1 0 0f b a n k e n s t e i n :

Fn A im r 1 Oh, can I trust ray ears,— resign ;This palm, to you (shows E l iz a b e t h s hand,) g ive xn P , [this to yew and pine.N o ! rather madness come—black desolation !I 'll take a run.

El11,> A h ! yes—a cattle stationFn. I mean, I ’11 cut,E u z_ But cut and come again.Fit. I ’11 go to sea. .ALPn. Get water on the brain.F r . I ’11 roam the o c e a n — turn a buccaneer.ALPn. Don’t be ro(a)mantic, cut your home antics here.Fb. I ’U to New Zealand sail— that land so flowery,

I '11 utile. .A tm . Or be settled by the Maori.Fn. I ’ll win a grant of land.A lph. Yes, six by two.Fb. I'll tako a pah,Alph, And I a pa's adieu. (Runs off u ithF a N o w , all is blank—they’ro gone. Oh, what a go.,

\Vai'’h, Waigh! Wo, Aco /—Unutterable woe! (Buns ° [after them.)

SCENE n .A Catem. Stool, Brazier, and the M o s s i e r covered w ith a cloth.

Eater F R A H O S 8 T E IN , Kith dark lantern and gigantic stethescope.

F b. Now to their finish that my labours tend,I feel my sympathetic hair on end.My brow is damp— suffused by clammy sweat,A most unpleasant kind of heavy wet.My legs refuse their functions to fulfil As if I ’d made my L.E.G. and will. (Sits on stool.)

Thunders and lightens* He starts.

A BURLESQUE, 1 0 7

Ah ! what is that ? the iveather seem s to threaten ; Whether or no, I ’11 stick to what I ’m set on. (Stool

[gives way, he tumbles down.) T h at’s a set-off I took not in account.The settle was ’n t firm (readjusts it.) L et me rem ount And, courage ! th is shall nerve me to my task. (Pro-

i \duces flask.)A mellow dram (Smacks his lips.) a h ! is w ithin th is

[flask. (Drinks.) A spirit that would set the lame in m otion,And that dumb anim al I 'v e got a notion. ( Undrapes

\the M o n s t e r .) I ’11 give him ju st a nip . B u t first I ’11 raise h is Spirits by warming his cold frame in blazes.

Lights cauldron, from which issues blue fire , puts flash, to the M o n - B T E r 's mouth. Music— “ Incantation from Der Freiscfiutz” The M o n s t e r pants. F r a n k e n s t e i n applies stethescope to its chest.

H e breathes— h is heart with quick p u lsa tion ’s He moves— he w inks— he is alive— [ticking.

Mon. And kicking.The M o n s t e r suits action to words. F r a n k e n s t e i n runs off. The

M o n s t e r advances to front.H allo! W hat place is th is ? W hat am I ? W here ? (Points to audience.) W ho are these people ? and

[what makes them stare ? (To leader o f land.) W hat do they want, good man,

[and who are you ? What is the little game that you pursue. (Pauses.)

' You lead the band ! the violin you play !T hat’s all serene— then fiddle “ Fake away.’’

Air —“ Nix m y D o l l y . ”

The M o n s t e r sings.I ’m blest if I know how I came here,I shall put some queries remarkably queer,

Fake away.Was I won at a raffle, or dropped from the skies ?Shoved up from a trap, or let down from the flies ?

Nix my Dolly, pals, fake away.Nix my Dolly, pals, fake away.

I 're got no profession, I hav n’t a trade,For work, it occurs to me, I wasn’t made.

Fake away.My m& ’> not apparent, I don’t know ray dad,I ’m a binnocent horpban—a vagabond lad.

Nix my Dolly, pala, fake away.Nix my Dolly, pals, fake away.

I'm scrvh'ily thrown on the world—in the scrub,To grub is my only resource for my grub.

Fake away.My pimped'» not pleasant •prospecting about,And though nigger-romantic no magic look out.

Nix my Dolly, pals, fake away.Nix my Dolly, pals, fake away.

Dances towards bach, and conceals himself as J c s t in e enters with Ernest.

Jcs. Oh drat that boy, i t ’s quite one person’s work To watch him. There, h e ’s off again— the T u r k !

Era. If I ’m a Turk, here’s off to Turkey.

JvBims catches at E bK E ST as he runs off. Gives him a cu ff as he endeavours to escape.

Oh 1I ’11 tell mamma I saw you kissing Joe,And I ’11 tell Joe I saw Jim kissing you. [now do.

Job. (Coaxingly.) Now, Ernest, dear, be a good boy— And don’t tell tales—good little boys do not. There, you may go and play outside the grot.But don’t be long.

E h h is t runs off B . W. Enter J o e L . w , , with basket o f pastry on his arm.

Dear Joe.Dearest Justine,

My syllabub— my sugared twelve-cake queen, Kisses and bon-bons ar 'nt as sweet as thou,Oh, tell me do you love me then as now ?I love you, dear, beyond all other men,Indeed, dear Joe, I love you now and then.What! only now a n d then— those words recal,Or, tell me how you spend the interval.

J0 8 FRANKENSTEIN :

Jos.Joe

Jcs.

Jog

A BURLESQUE. 100

Is it in hnting J im ? Say you detest That blackguard pot boy.

Jus. D ea r ! I love you best.Joe No ! I ’11 not share your love, I '11 have the lot—

Fragrant as rose-drops— os cayenne drops hot,Pure as blanc-mange— as cherry brandy strong—As motto-kisses sweet.

Jds. (Coyly.) ■ O h! go a long!Joe True as fruits candi(e)d in a bridal posy,

Say you ’11 relinquish “ Jim along, o ’ Josey.”Here are some Brighton rocks, be firm like them.

Jus. I best like -wedding cake.Joe A h em ! Ahem !

(Points to basket.) T hat bride ca k e ’s ordered. B u tIf you ’11 take me. [I ’11 make another.

Jus. Oh take (Joe rushes towards her)— and ask my mother.

DUET.—JOE AND JUSTINE.Aib.—“ G il e s Sobocigins.”

Joe Dear Justine, will you be my bride,Say yes, and name the day.

Jus. I won’t say yet, I can’t decide,I ’11 not say yes or nay.

Job My love for you I cannot smother.If you love me, I ’J1 wed no other.It’s you I want, and not your mother.

So Justine name the day.Jds. I now must seek the little boy, m y charge,

Left far too long illegally at large.Farewell, dear Joe.

Joe D earest Ju stin e, adieu.One fond embrace, my love I [two.

Mon. (Comes down and paises between them.) Oh ! make itJ u s t in e rum off b . w ., J o e , l . w ., letting pastry fa ll out o f the

basket in his consternation. The M 0N8TEB picks some up.

H ere’s som ething good to eat. (Tastes sausage rtill.)[W hat’s that ?

A sausage roll. I hope not made o f cat. (Suspiciously.) But foolish he who on suspioion starves,

Ebndst, who has entered at back, comes forward.

110 FiUNKENSTEIN :

E rs. I say, old chap, them's findings, I cry halves.Mon. Ah 1 halves, my little chap. I think you chaff,

Seizes and UJlt him on his shoulders.I'm all for porter, not for half and half, [you pig,

Ern. (Struggling.) Come, none of that, just set me down, I ’11 punch your head, although you are so big. (He

Mon. Your pleasant little ways my fancy tickles, [does it.)I like your pluck.—“ Come dwell with m e.”

E on. O h ! Pickles.

The MOSBIIB bean E b k e s t struggling and kicking to a recess in the cavern,

SCENE III.Exterior of Stein ChiUt. Lake and Mountain Scenery in the

distance,

Enter Caroline (from Ch&let door) dragging forward Ju stin e followed by Aumonsg, E lizabeth, and W i il ia m .

Car. My darling boy!Alph. My son 1E u z. My cou sin !W it. B roth er!Cab. What have you done with him ?r LIa'ai. Oh ! tell h is mother.Jcs. She knew that he was out. Alas, alack.Ca*. A lass that took him out should brine him back.

Where is he ?Alph. Say!Jos' I do not know.

i Oh rot!Jcs. I left him playing near the haunted grot.Cab. Yes! you g rotted him, you cruel wretch [go fetch.

(To W illiah .) Go run—quick, William, the police

A BURLESQUE. I l l

Cry murder as you go and never cease,R ing all the bells, and hammer the—

Wil. ' Police ?Cak. No, fo o l! hammer each cottage door. Go call

The neighbours here, the deaf, the blind, bring all So they may hear and see what she (Points to W ith my poor boy— [ J u s t i n e ) has done

W i l . M y brother,E l iz . Cousin,Al p h . . Son.

W ill ia m runs o ff crying Murder, Police,Cab. Ah I Oh ! I faint. I die ! M y boy ! I come !

My sm elling bottle. (Faints.)E l iz . W hich ?C ar. {Reviving f o r a moment.) T he one marked rum .Relapses, E l i z a b e t h fe tches bottle fr o m Chalet and administers.

Enter T h r e e P olicem en and I n spec to r . P ea sa n ts drop in at intervals.

Issp. Halloo! W hat's all this row about? Just say.1st P . (Seizes A l p h .) Aha, I thought I ’d nab you some 2 n d P . ( & i « s P e a s a n t . ) Is th is another ? [fine day. 1st I*- I ’m not sure.Insp. W hy not ?

Best to be certain— collar all the lot.E nter J oe D oboy.

8rdP. And you (To Joe.) young man, what is your Joe I have none. [bus’ness here ?Issp. Have none ! T h en i t ’s very clear

You ’re an offender taken in the factJoe Why, I ’ve done naught.^ sp- _ Ju st so. T h e Vagrant Act

Provides for that offence.J°E For what offence ?Iksp. Why doing nothing.Joe O h ! B ut—“ sp- Take him hence.

?bd policem a n collars J o e . E nter M a g istrate .

113 FRANKENSTEIN :

Insp. Your worship! I have made a pretty haul Three of the gang I ’ve captured,

Mao. Capital.We ’11 try them now at once. What is the charge ?

Issp. (Confusedly.) Suspicion—of—illegally— at— large. Mao. That ’s rather vague.I n s p . A murder ’8 been committed.

And so these three (Points to prisoners.) with hand­cuffs we have fitte d ;

For it is clear that when a murder’s done,It might have been by three as well as one,Whence follows as it's very plain to see .It might be one or other of these three,Or all of them—or more— that did the deed.

Aun.Your worship.I nsp . Silence,Joe Please—Mao. (To Inspector.) Go od, proceed.

Where are your witnesses. Produce the body.

Enter W i l l i a m . I nspector seizes and thrusts him forw ard.

Insp. There speak up.Mao. Which is he ?W i l . Neither.Issp. Noddy.Mao. What do you know of this ? Speak up. Confess. Wil. Nothing.Mao. Speak up.Wil. (Louder.) Nothing.M'40- I thought no less.

Are you the witness ?Wil. (Loud.) No.

The murderer ?W i l . (Bawls.)Mao. Why are you here then ?Wil. {Indignant and loud.) That’s what I want to know . Mao. (Pompously.) Be careful—Mind young chap what

[you ’re a doin’. Or else your proving naught may prove your ruin.

A BURLESQUE. 113

How dare you come before th is court and swear To nothing. Constable remove that rough.You 're sentenced thirty days in quod.

W i l l i a u collared by I n s p e c t o r , opens his mouth as i f to speak.

E nough .W i l . I think it is. ,I s s p . Silence.

C a r o l in e , who duriny the precediny has been the object o f affectionate solicitude to P e a s a n t s , and has been stimulated by bottle, recovers, and still holdiny J u s t i n e by wrist.

Cab. Give m e my child.Mao. What, m y good woman ? vIssp. Come, now draw it m ild.Car. Give m e m y boy, and take th is m urd’ress hence.

Fllnys J u s t i n e into arms o f M a g i s t r a t e .

Mao. That woman has more energy than sense,Thus to in cense and vex a magistrate,T he representative o f law and state.Go, constables, arid all the mob surround. Apprehend every one th a t ’s on the ground.

I s s p e c t o r and P o l i c e m e n spread to enclose P e a s a n t r y , & e . , in the meanwhile lettiny loose their P r i s o n e r s , who dodye them, one after another escaping, until J o s t i h e alone is left on the staye with M a g i s t r a t e , I n s p e c t o r , and P o l i c e . Duriny the scuffle, tchich yoes on in the manner o f a dance, they s in y ;—

A i r .— “ P o p g o e s t h e W e a s e l . ”

M a o . Take’em a l l , both woman and man. (Repeats,)M a l i P r is . Lobster my name is Walker. (Each as he escapes.)F j i ia le s . Get who you catch— and catch who you can. (Each asIssp. & P o l . P o p goes the weasel. (As each one escapes) [she escapes.

M a g is t r a t e and P o l i c e m e n fo rm in procession leading o ff J u s t i n e sobbing.

H

1 1 4FRANKENSTEIN :

SCEN E IV.

'Room.

FbaBKESSTEIB m n , M owed by the M o sb te b , who Carrie, carpet* bag and vmbreUa.

F r . What wouldst thou, monster ? quit my sight, awuy ! Mon. I've brought my luggage, and I mean to stay.

About the country I !m tired of dodging. _You gave me life—now give me board and lodging .

Fr. Abhorred of mortals I will board you not.Go to Bordeaux, to Putney, or to pot,Joiri an Odd Fellows’ Lodge, you ’11 not lodge here ; My lodgings are t6 let—alone, my dear,Your meat you’ll not meet here. Nor lom nor Nor Sally Lunn, nor Abernethy biscuit, [brisket, No, n o ! my floicer, although in fancy bre(a)d,You shall not loaf on me. So roll ahead !

Mon. You then discard me 1 ,j>B> I ’11 not take you in ,

Nor servo you out.Mon. Then, I ’11 go in and win,

1 11 hop tho trnq—take to the bush, my f l ic k !I ’11 stick up every one—at nothing stick.On natural selection I ’ve read Darwin, ̂ •And thus elect this country not to starve in .Already one young kid I have garotted;He ’11 make a tender stew, or taste nice potted. Here is his portrait. (Shows locket.)

I ’m A h ! you slew my brother,Mon. No doubt of it, and I will slue the other.

I ’11 cook your mother’s goose, I ’11 bone your father. (A devilled bone is sweet for breakfast—rather !)I ’11 settle Betsy’s hash when sh e ’s your wife.Your friends I ’11 make fork out— and then the knife Shall carve their calves' heads from their trunks in And when I ’ve potted them, I '11 trepan you. [two,

A BURLESQUE. 1 1 5

Fb. . My friends and fam ily to be your eating !Thus w ill I frustrate th e Monster Meeting.

Takes fo il from wall.(Lunges.) T h u s— thus— your cannibal design I And foil [crush.

The M o n s t e r parries with carpet bag, and knocks down F r a n k e n ­s t e i n with umbrella.

Mon. Aha ! your f o i l 's not worth your rush.

DUET.Am, f r o m P u h i t a n i . — “ S o u n d , S o u n d t h e T r u m p e t -”

M oK . N o w a t m y f e e t y o u ' r e la y in g ,Your carcase I ’11 be flaying,My prey—in spite of your praying, ( F r . Joins hands

Though liberty you cry. [in supplication.Fa. For mercy sweet imploring,

Lift me from off this flooring,For liberty I’m roaring.

Be liberty my cry—y—y.Mon. Get up. Give over kicking up that row,

And on conditions I ’11 forswear m y vow. (Fk. rises.) In yonder wood I saw a youthful pair,Apparently in love. T he girl was fair,The youth seem ed fond— the maiden seemed no What I then felt I cannot tell. [less—

I '11 guess.Mon. Quick all the horrors o f my loneliness

And inconvenience o f m y bush undress Flashed on my brain, and left m e sore oppressed, U ntil I m et a swell,— and him addressed. ’

Fb. Undressed you mean. Y on stripped him I ’11 be bound. Mon. He was a stripling ere h is clothes I — found.

H is clothes alone I took, and as a loan.Fb. A forced one.^ 0N* _ I t is true. B u t then you ’11 own

Clothing the naked— this young man in fact (Points Is actually a m ost virtuous act. [to himself.)But all in vain th is handsom e su it I air,I/ar« not yrell w ith any of th e /a ir .

116FRANKENSTEIN :

So now to'business. 1 11 spare your lifeIf you’ll bestow on me—

A what ?„ A wife.M o n .Vr. A wife! whose wife • .

Come, none of your soft sawder,' ' H I have a bran new woman— made to order.

Something superior—a little fairy— _My counterpart—perhaps not quite so nairy ,Of ray own age and shape; with gentle eyesAnd nose like m ine; hut of a smaller size.Swear such a maid you’ll make, as me you made.

Fb Oh, n o ! (Raises his hands entreatingly.) >Mon. No noes! my ayes must he obeyed.

’ To Orkney's furthest island you ’11 repair,And have in a month hence a maiden fairPrepared to wed me. Let be no delay,In one month certain from the present day.

■ F r a n KINSTWN thakes hit head.Do you refuse? (Threatens.) Swear! No fiddleSwear! ffaddle'

I do. (Falls on hi3 knees.) Enough.

I ’m off. (Exit.)jloj,. Skedaddle. (Exit.)

SCENE V.Coast Scene. Boat.

C l e r v a l and F r a n k e n s t e in .

Cl. No, n o ! Those terrors are not what they s e e m ; They ’re but tho phantoms of a dismal dream Bred of late suppers— say diseased ox-tail,Helped by colonial cheese and ditto ale,

A. BURLESQUE. 117

Inflamed by what is termed “ Australian w ine ”— A kind o f vinegar d istilled from twine—Of ropy flavour, and as rough as nails.Oh, do not jest.

No jes t in bad ox-tails,Nor in that tale o f m ine.

Oh, that's a question, There is you know a jest in indigestion,And th a t’s whereby your tale hangs. I declare Your m onster’s neither hairy ape nor bear,But ju st a night-mare. Understand aright—A mayor may be a mayor, yet not a knight.Cohen or Sm ith can tell-------

Oh, cease your prate, Ponder on what I said, and tem pt not fate,Fly far away from m e. I pray, entreat,Lest you should meet, and be the monster’s meat. Oh, is this truth ? And can there really be ?A monster who would dare to dine off me__A cannibal so rude and so imprudent As not to dread the notion o f stewed student.’Tis so indeed. A m onster savage, wild,That has no taste, although o f A rt the child.I do engage he ’11 have no taste o f me,I ’in f ly to him . *

T hen take a f ly — and flee,For he has sworn unless I find a wife To bless h im with a sweet connubial strife,H e ’11 slay my friends and relatives, and eat ’em.So treat him self, and otherwise ill treat ’em.This is the day appointed for h is bridal;He ’11 soon be here to gaze upon his idol.Idle h is hopes— he ’11 have to bridle them ,For I no bride have made. v

Jeru salem !Could you not build another m onster ?

N o!Though every Monster Clothing M art should go Unto eternal sm ash.

118 FRANKENSTEIN .'

Cl. But Frankenstein,Think of your parents—also think of—m ine, Think of your father, mother, brothers, friends— . Think of their doom—if thus your compact ends. ’Tis not a question of outfitting shops,Your monster deals in solids, not in slops.

Fn. Ob, horror! horror! Clerval, Oh, forbear.Cu Neither for bear, nor ape, I am, I swear.Fn. One brother cribbed, his nurse caboosed— confined

Until the boy turns up. Oh, fate unkindI Oh, I could weep— could wish that I were dead !

Cl. Absurd. Supposing that we sing instead.Fr. Agreed, I ’11 sing. But what shall be the lay ?Cl. Why—1“ Down among the dead men.”Fn. I obey.

Am.—“Dows mono t h e D e a d Men.”

Fb. Hera’s a health to oursolren, and ft lasting peace,Cl. To Gorilla an end, and a short life lease.Fb. Como let tu sing it while we have b re a th :Cl. To ourselves long life; to Gorilla death.Bora And he that will this song decry,

Let him not drink, but be ever dry.Down, down, down, down,Down among the th irsty le t him lie.

Mon. (Outside.) Ahoy! Ahoy! Oh, Frankenstein, ahoy f C l. [Startled.) W hat’s that ?F b. The monster.Cl. Then I ’m off m y boy.F r . The second verse—Cl. • ̂ Oh, never mind at present,

Music is in the distance oft most pleasant. (Runs off.)

Enter the M o n s t e r .

Mon. How are you ? Hearty! Well I ’m glad of that.I like to see my friends look fresh (significantly) and I think X heard some singing ? [fat.

Fn. Yes.Two voices ?

A BURLESQUE. 119

F r. B ut one.Mon. N o, two ?Fb. The echo.Mon. T hen she hoarse is .

B ut stay ! it was m y bride. (Smiles) I have a notion H er voice was trem ulous w ith fond emotion.Say. You have bid her love m e.

F r. B id ! B id who?Mon. My bride.Fr. What bride fMon. The girl I come to woo.Fr. To woo ? to woe you ’ve come, i t ’s my belief.Mon. I f I have come to woe, you ’11 come to grief.

Is it for th is I ’ve passed the weary n ights Before a looking glass, encased in tights ?H ave I for this blunt razors dared, and bore The inconvenient cost o f Kalydor?Have 1 forsworn my pipe, and learned the flute, Joining the Orpheus Club— a song-tamed brute ? Have I my wearied legs to Smart subm itted,T o be in dance and valse genteelly fitted ?Have I to T . P . H ill in patience listened ?B y Dr. M ilton been renewed and christened ? Have I advised w ith L. L . Sm ith by letter ?And am I not 'to be a bit the better ?Oh, is it come to th is that all the pain Of these dread trials should have been in vain ? Where is m y bride ? I ’11 be no longer harried,I ’ve bought the w edding ring, and will be married,

Fn. W ith all m y heart.Mon. B ut where’s m y bride ?Fr. 1 D ont know.Mon. O h ! liave I come to th is ? Oh, h ere ’s a go.

But I w ill be revenged. You ’11 find despite Of happiness bereaved, my appetite Is quite as keen as ever. And in truth Even Odonto has n ’t spoilt a tooth. [meet.With these strong teeth I ’11 yet make both ends Sweet is reven ge! I hope your friends are sweet.

120 FRANKENSTEIN :

But sweet or sour, tender or tough, I ’II try them, Grill—carbonado— devil—fritter—fry them.Curry, roast, boiled, hash, haricot, and stew, Fricandeau, fricassee, salmi, ragout,By turns shall tempt my palate. So I ’11 go,When all your friends are boned, I ’11 let you know.

[(Exit.)Fb. Oh, what a wretched life, where shall I flee ?

No refuge open but. the open sea.

Goes off in boat tinging.Am—“ I a m o s t h e S e a . ”

I ’m o n t h e sea,I ’m o n th e sea,I a m w h e re I w o u ld n e v e r b e .

SCENE VI.Forest.

AlHKHtSH and C a r o l in e tied back to back, he partly tarrying her. the M o n s t e r leading them with a rope, and goading them with A x p h o n s e ’b pipe.)

Alph. Oh, Mr. Monkey, pray untie th is noose. [loose. Mon. (Demitely.) W hat! let a married m an go on the

0 fie ! I could not think o f it. D iv id eA husband from his wife— his joy— h is pride ?You think too light of her. Your m o ra l’s slack.

ALPH.Think light of her— and she upon m y back,Indeed, sweet Mister, ’tis the other way.

Cab. Oh, pray untie me.Mon. What is that you say ? (They tumble down.)

1 thought your husband loio, but now I see That you are every whit as low as he.

Prods them with pipe.

A BURLESQUE. 121

Alph. To be condemned to carry off a wife. (They rise.) Car. Oh, Mister, take m e off—Mon. For love ?Car. F o r life .Alph. If so inclined. I ’11 stretch a point to spare her,

Although I loved her once, I now cant bear her. The scrub is dense— m y dame is heavy. Oh.

Mon. Call you that evidence. W eigh up. (Prods C a r .) Gee Alph . Where do you take us ? [wo. (Kicks A l p h .)

They hang back, the M o n s te r pulls rope.

Car. W hat are your designs ? *A lph.0 give me rope enough.Car. , T h ese are hard lines.Mon. Then don’t hang back, I can’t stay here all day,

I've company at home.Car. Pray who are they ?Mon. Some of your old acquaintance. Alferd.Car. N o !

Waldman and Clerval, Justine, and her Joe.Mon. E ach o n e ’s a guest.Alph. I guessed a s m u c h b e fo re .Car. The friends we missed—

A mystery are no more. Car. And 0 ! my sons, are they am ong your crew ?

Oh, cruel cove reply.Mob. Why yes, I ’ve two.Car. Frankenstein ?Mox. N o. I have not got him y e t ;

His settling day is when I take h is Bet.But come, get on I can no longer tarry.

Alph. Of carry-on (looks at his wife) I h a v e a lo ad to carry.

Exeunt.

122 FBANKEKSTE1N :

SCENE VII.CMUt. Same at Scene I II .

Enter F u a n k e s s t e in .

F r. Once more behold my h o m e-ev en the sea Refused to bear a criminal like me ;Twice wrecked,mi toss'don shore, 1 ’m reckless grown. Here is ray only sa fety— here alone. (Knocks at door.)

E l iz a b e th comet cut, but not recognising him, runs to the aide , averting her eyea.

E liz . Oh, go away. Monster, aw ay— avaunt!Why do you still this wretched hamlet h a u n t! Have you not victims plenty, Cannibal,That you would grab an inoffensive gal ?Have you not taken uncle, aunt, and cousins— Destroyed remoter relatives by dozens ? ,Oh, that the valiant Frankenstein were here !

F b. Why, I am he.E uz. (Incredulously) Oh, gammon !I'n> Never fear,

Floored by hardships, and dropped by boats too tender. Elizabeth's beloved can still defend her.Look on me darling—dearest.

E uz. (Glancing at him sidelong.) Oh, ’tis he.Fb. Yes, dearest, yes, i t ’s no one else but m e,

My treasure, come to my arms.E uz. I w ill. (They embrace )Fb. And where’s my dad, and ma, and brother B ill ? E uz. Alas! where are they ? Ask the wood clpse by.Fb. 1 would— that’s if I could, get a reply.

But, no, I need not ask. And poor Justine,Does she yet suffer prison discipline ?Does she yet languish for another’s crime ?

E uz. N o ! she came outlast week— she served her tim e.But she, too, hapless girl, has disappeared.

F b. 1 ’11 have revenge. I swear it by my beard.

A BURLESQ0E. 133

Too lon g I have subm itted to the curse—Bobbed of m y father, mother, brother, nurse—I cannot brook i t ; though of temper m ild,The B ritish L io n 's roused at last— I ’m riled.My anger in a tem pest now aw akes;I ’11 raise up alligators— tickle snakes,I ’11 go invade and sack the haunted grot,I ’ll devastate that inconvenient sp o t;I ’11 seek the monster— whether in or out

Enter the M o n st eb at hack unperceived.

H is blood shall spout, and life go up the spout.Ah. a h ! ah, ah ! my brain reels— I am dizzy,

Eliz. Then match it with your heels, and reel w ith Lizzy.

DANCE AND SONG.Ain.—1“ A u l d L a no S y n e .”

Though your mamma, and your papa,And nurse have gone to pot,

Still I am here—your lot to cheer,And I am worth the lot.

That’s true, my girl, I ’d be a churl That blessing to forget.

Though gone my pa, and lost my ma,Still I have won my Bet.

Then joy be mine,And joy be mine,We may be happy yet.Oh, Frankenstein,You know I'm thine.I never can forget.

Fb. I go to h unt the m onster from h is lair,And prove to h is confusion I ’m all there.

Eliz. Oh, pray be careful lest all there you stay,And leave your Bessy; love, to grief a prey.

Fr. Leave you 1 Believe m e, I w ill not for long,Keep up your pecker.

Euz. Pekoe, I use souchong. {Exit F r .)

Euz.

Fb,

Fb,Euz.Both

Euz.Fb.E t .t z ,

124 FRANKENSTEIN :

How lone I feel. Why did my love depart,And leave me waiting with a weight at heart 1 Will he return ? I feel an icy dread Creep through my bones.

Mon. (Advances to f r o n t ) My dear, I ’ve com e in s te a d .

The M o n s t ib seizes Iter, She itruggles.

E uz. Unhand me, s ir ! release me, ruffian !Mon. S h a ’n ’t,

I bring a message from your loving aunt.E l iz . My aunt! Is she then yet alive ?Mon. N o f e a r !

Be quiet, and you '11 hear her tongue from here. E liz . My uncle; too, tell mo how does he fa re ?Mon. Why pretty fairish, save h e ’s lost h is hair.E l iz . What heir? Frankenstein is his heir at law.Mon. Lor’ ! it was from his head the hair I saw.

Your aunt has stripped his sconce— I do declare he Has made my residence quite litter-hairy.But come. (Takes her by the waist.)

E l iz . Leave go my waist.Mon. ,, I c a n ’t waste time.

There is a time for all things.E u z . N o t fo r crime.Mon. Oh, Crimmy, you need not be so ta rt;

I ’11 prove a tartar if you don’t look smart.Come, girl, your struggles and your shrieks are Your lover’s cut, and cannot come again. [vain. My ship’s fair sails are spreading to the breeze, Your aunt and u ncle’s both on board— and please The pigs, you ’11 join them there. Your c'ousins too Are kindly waited on by my brave crew.Alferd and Waldman, Justine and her Joe Are under hatches— that is safe below.You '11 share a cabin with Justine, your m aid.

< The M o n s t e r bears her off.

E liz , Oh, h elp ! Frankenstein, h e lp ! Oh, a id ! Oh, a id !

Enter F r a n k e n s t e i n .

Fr. What cries are those I heard ? (Looks in Chalet.)[Bessy not h e r e !

My heart grows chill. (Cries in distance.) Ah, still[those cries I hear.

(Looks towards r . w .) W hat ho ! the m onster bears[away m y bride.

Revenge! Revenge ! and Bradshaw be m y guide. Exit.

A. BDRLE8QBE. 125

SCENE V III.Enter the M o n s te b carrying off E l iz a b e th .

Mon. Ah, a h ! you cry in vain. W ho hears your cries ? Euz. Aid! help ! You m onster, I '11 scratch out your eyes.

Exeunt,Enter F r a n k e n s t e i n weary.

Fr. The cries grow fainter— and my strength is spent. (Shouts.) Oh, monster, m ercy ! pity ! Oh, relent. He does not h ea r ! And even i f he heard,Would such a monster be by prayers stirred ?

SOUQ.Am.—" Poon M a b y A n n .”

F*. I ’m a broken-hearted lover,Poor Frankenstein.

Of my dear girl I cant discover The least sign.

I ’ve run until I can’t run longer—I would that my poor legs were stronger,He may have carried her to Hong Hong, or

Up the Bhine.

(Looks to side.) Again I see them ! W hat do I behold ? A boat—he bears her to it I S o ld ! Sold 1 Sold !

1 2 8 FRANKENSTEIN

But, n o !—I ’11 follow till my latest breath.Nothing shall part us.—No, not even death.I ’ll sell the Chalet—all my father’s land,And with the proceeds hire a trusty band.Then track the Monster to remotest clim es,Sail the world round to terminate h is crimes. (Exit.)

SCENE IX.frozen Regions. Crystal Caverns, etc.

Enter the M o n s t e r and P i r a t e .

Pib. This is a pretty country, but so cold.If I had lots in it, they’d soon be sold.The climate’s only fit to raise ice creams.1 ’m blest if it dont even freeze one’s dreams.Tho other night—

Mos. , Shut up, enough o f th a t ;I'm hero on business, not for idle chat.

Put. What business ? Oh, I see, hard stuff in nobblers. It seems a nicuh place for sherry cobblers,But who’s to buy them ?

Mon. Silence, quiet, fool.Pin. (Aside). I like his language, seasonably cool.Mon. I fancy not the look of yonder brig.Pin. What, if they 're brigands— prig don’t stick up prig. Mon. I have good reason to avoid it. So

Land all the pris’ners.

Enter F r a n k e n s t e in and Sa i l o r at back unobserved.

Pm. Where ?Mon. Here idiot. (Shouts.) Go. (E xit P i r a t e . )

What ails me? Am I growing weak and silly ?I shiver so. No, no! I ’m only chilly. (Exit.)

A BURLESQUE. 127

F r a n k e n s t e i n and S a i l o r come forward.

Fb. Aha I we have them now, Gorilla’s fateAnd m ine hangs on th is day— G orquick. my mate, Speed to our sh ip , and arm our trusty boys,T hen plant them hereabout.

Sai. ( Aye, aye.Fb. ' N o noise. (Exeunt.)

Enter the M o n s t e r and P ir a t e s driving before them on a chain A l p h o n s e , W i l l i a m , E r n e s t , E l i z a b e t h , C l e r v a l , J u s t i n e , J o e , A l f e r d , and W a l d m a n , carrying swags. They beat their arms together, and sing.

A i r .— “ W e ’ r e a l l t h e w a y p r o m M a n c h e s t e r .”

All th e \ W e’re all the way from Switzerland,Pr is o n e r s j In charge of a thievish crew.

Mon. Less tongue. (Strikes Professors.) And keep your [breath to cool your porridge.

You seem to think that you are yet at college.And ladies, you— if you dare sin g a note I ’11 cram a windsail down each noisy throat;Make up your bunks. (To E l iz a b e t h .) Go, lamb,

[pray go to bed. Euz. Go lamb to bed— Bedlam you m ight have said.

But, no, I am not mad as yet, m y friend ;You '11 dwell before m e at the Yarra Bend I f not a worse place.

J ds. W hy th is place is worse, [nurse.Mon. Y ou’ll please to nurse your wrath— you ’re but a

So keep your distance. (To P i r a t e significantly pass­in g hisfinger across his throat.) Go, sir, end her noise.

Enter F r a n k e n s t e i n and S a i l o r s .

Fb. Surrender you yourself. (To sailors.) Come on, my[boys.

Terrific combat. P r is o n e r s keep rushing to and fro, upsetting com­batants. S a il o b b overcome P i r a t e s . F r a n k e n s t e in beats down the M o n s t e r .

188 A BURLESQUE.

Fn. Down, down, below, and say I sent you th ither. E uz. Vanish—A lp h . Skedaddle—Alf. * Vamos—Cab. Mizzle—J o e Slither.

TABLEAU.The M o n s t i b descends trap, from which asccn

apparition is exhibited by ghost effect on disappear/.

CURTAIN.

J f A

. . p* 1 ' • . t - '. J ? » if * '5

r, M < v iS\ i ! - f'-J

Clarson, SliaUard, and Co., Printers, Melbourne 4nd Sydney. t