By Edith Weiss

© Copyright 2009, by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

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AUNT MAGGITY’S DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

By EDITH WEISS

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

JENNY .............................new maid; sweet, innocent, 50hard working

AMELIA* ..........................middle-aged; has been working 44for Aunt Maggity for years

AUNT MAGGITY ................ in a wheelchair; caustic and 72seemingly hardened; writes horror novels; over 50

HUMPHRIES.....................her butler; a proper man who 49has been in love with her for years; puts up with everything

DREARDON ...................... large, scary-looking man whose 41soft heart is right under the surface; also has been with Maggity for years

LAVINIA............................Aunt Maggity’s oldest niece; 77junior CEO of a pharmaceutical company; greedy and manipulative

RICHARD .........................environmental activist; sweet, 63shy and easily manipulated

LOLA ...............................another niece; shallow, beautiful, 70the center of attention; a fashion designer

CHLOE*...........................her fraternal twin, also a shallow, 54not terribly bright fashion designer

FRANCINE ........................youngest niece; the nicest of the 30four; wants to be a professional boxer

OZZIE ..............................Francine’s manager; a slacker; 33a skater type

CHUCK ............................young woman dressed as a man 28because she is pursuing her dreamof being a rodeo clown

*denotes can be played by male or female

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SET DESIGNTime: A dark and stormy night.Place: Aunt Maggity’s house.The stage depicts a cluttered living room with cobwebs and old pictures hanging crookedly on the walls. A dusty writer’s desk is UP CENTER with the following items on it: an old typewriter, a bell, a foghorn, a pile of papers, a skull and a coiled cobra (the kind stuffed by a taxidermist). Inside the desk drawer is a photo. There is a small chair beside the desk. STAGE RIGHT is a couch. STAGE LEFT is a window seat with a hinged top, positioned so that someone can get into it from offstage unseen by the audience.There are three exits: UP RIGHT leads to Aunt Maggity’s room, the downstairs bathroom and storage room; STAGE RIGHT leads outside; UP LEFT leads to the kitchen, dining room, guest rooms and library.

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Aunt M

aggity’s Dark and S

tormy N

ight - Set D

esign

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AUNT MAGGITY’S DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

At RISE: JENNY stands anxiously in the middle of the large, cluttered room holding a feather duster. She picks up a piece of paper from a pile on the desk and reads it briefl y. She reacts with horror, puts down the page, then starts taking down cobwebs and raising dust. (THUNDER RUMBLES.)AMELIA: (ENTERS UP RIGHT.) Jenny! What are you doing?JENNY: I’m dusting.AMELIA: No! Never dust!JENNY: But these cobwebs—AMELIA: Never take down a cobweb!JENNY: I was just—AMELIA: (Looks at pile of papers, straightens it.) And never touch

anything!JENNY: But… I was hired as a maid. I was trying to take initiative.AMELIA: Never take initiative. Not in Madame Maggity’s house. I’ll tell

you what you can and can’t clean.JENNY: I’m so sorry, Amelia. But I was trying to make a good impression,

so I was just cleaning everything. (In a tiny, tear strangled voice.) I really need this job. I spent all the money I had coming here from Alaska.

AMELIA: You’re from Alaska?JENNY: Yes, and I don’t want to go back. It’s so cold there.AMELIA: Now, don’t cry. Follow my lead and you won’t lose your job.

Most maids only last a week here. Come on, we have to clean the guest rooms. We’ve got company coming! (They EXIT UP LEFT.)

MAGGITY: (From OFF RIGHT.) Push, Humphries, push!HUMPHRIES: (From OFF RIGHT.) I’m pushing this thing as hard as I

can.MAGGITY: (ENTERS UP RIGHT in a wheelchair pushed by HUMPHRIES.)

Come on, I’ve got a deadline!HUMPHRIES: You had the brake on again. Why do you do that? I’m

an old man.MAGGITY: I do it because you’re an old man and it’s the only exercise

you get. (HUMPHRIES pushes MAGGITY to the desk.) Someone’s been messing with my things. The dust is not as thick as it was. I’m going to have to fi re that new maid.

HUMPHRIES: Give her a second chance.MAGGITY: I hate giving second chances.HUMPHRIES: Do it anyway. She seems very sweet.

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MAGGITY: All right. Where’s Dreardon? (Yells.) Dreardon!DREARDON: (ENTERS UP LEFT. He is a large, dour, scary-looking man.)

You called, Madame Maggity?MAGGITY: Yes. I’m ready to write. Stand quietly by the door and

listen. We’re about to be invaded.DREARDON: Invaded, Madam? (MAGGITY glares at him.) As you wish.MAGGITY: (Opens a drawer on the desk, takes out a framed photo

we don’t see, looks at it and wipes it gently with half of a pink handkerchief from her pocket. Then, she starts typing on an old typewriter. Speaks as she types.) On that dark and stormy night, Fiona crept through the silent, dank-smelling house. The cobwebs seemed to whisper as she wiped them from her face. The dead eyes of the stuffed animals seemed to follow her—the glassy stare of the deer, the beady glare of the fox, the crazed look of the cobra. She took a deep breath to steady herself. It was all in her imagination, of course. She had to stay strong. Upstairs, a murderer was hiding, waiting for her. Suddenly, the cobra twitched, and lightning swift it struck (DREARDON gasps.), and too late, with the snakebite swelling on her tender neck, Fiona realized she’d been outsmarted.

DREARDON: The cobra? No! I thought it was stuffed! She’ll get out of it, won’t she?

MAGGITY: I told you to keep quiet. (Glares at DREARDON, then continues.) As she slumped to the ground, her cry of despair was joined by laughter coming from up the stairs—the hearty, satisfi ed laughter of a murderer.

DREARDON: Oh, Madame, the murderer put a real cobra downstairs amongst the stuffed animals. That’s awful! I never saw that coming!

MAGGITY: Dreardon, how many times must I tell you not to talk? Now my concentration’s broken.

DREARDON: I’m terribly sorry. But I was so caught up in the story, I forgot myself! This will be your best novel yet!

MAGGITY: Zip it, Dreardon.DREARDON: Sorry.MAGGITY: Fiona heard the stairs creak and knew he was coming

downstairs. As the poison raced through her bloodstream the room seemed to cloud over—

JENNY: (ENTERS UP LEFT with a tea tray. Bright.) It’s teatime! Tea, anyone?

DREARDON: I love tea.HUMPHRIES: Yes, please.

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MAGGITY: If I had wanted tea, I would have called for it.JENNY: I’m sorry. (Tears up.) It’s just that I was taught at Meticulous

Maids to go the extra mile. I was just going the extra mile. I really need this job. (Bursts into tears.)

MAGGITY: Stop crying and get out! And never go the extra mile again! (JENNY EXITS UP RIGHT, still holding the tea tray and passing by AMELIA, who has ENTERED UP LEFT.)

AMELIA: I see you’re yelling at the help again.MAGGITY: She tried to clean in here.AMELIA: She didn’t know. It’s her fi rst day.MAGGITY: And if she doesn’t stop that mewling and hiccupping right

now it will be her last day. Not just in this house, but on this earth. (JENNY screams, then runs ON UP RIGHT.)

AMELIA: What is it?JENNY: There—there are black widow spiders in the downstairs

bathroom! They’re crawling all over the walls!MAGGITY: I know that. They’re my pets.JENNY: But they’re poisonous! Deadly!MAGGITY: That’s not their fault, is it? It’s just the way they’re made.JENNY: But—but—they could bite you…AMELIA: Come on, Jenny, you need a good cup of tea.DREARDON/HUMPHRIES: (Sigh.) Tea. (AMELIA and JENNY EXIT UP

LEFT, taking the tea tray with them, as DREARDON and HUMPHRIES look longingly after the tea.)

MAGGITY: I had hoped to fi nish this novel before the nieces arrived. I see that’s not going to happen. Humphries!

HUMPHRIES: No need to shout. I’m right here behind you, as usual.MAGGITY: Get me out of here before the little monsters get here,

would you?HUMPHRIES: Madame, is that any way to talk of the children? Little

monsters? Your own nieces that you haven’t seen in over a decade?

MAGGITY: You’re right. They’ll be big monsters now.HUMPHRIES: (Pulls her out from the desk.) Come on, you’ll always be

their beloved Aunt Maggity. They’ll be excited to see you. And you know you love them.

MAGGITY: No I don’t. I loathe them.HUMPHRIES: Then why have you called them all back here?MAGGITY: The reading of their parents’ will, Humphries.HUMPHRIES: Ah, yes. The will.

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MAGGITY: Now take me to my room. Dreardon, stay by the door. We’re expecting company. And what are we to remember?

DREARDON: That I’m deaf as a post, madam.MAGGITY: Right.HUMPHRIES: Oh, the games we play…MAGGITY: Zip it, Humphries. (On their EXIT UP RIGHT, MAGGITY puts

the brakes on and off, causing much jerking motion.)HUMPHRIES: Will you stop that, you insane woman?MAGGITY: Go for the burn, Humphries.JENNY: (ENTERS UP LEFT with a cup of tea, looking to make sure

MAGGITY is gone. Whispers.) Dreardon, I brought you some tea.DREARDON: Oh, thank you. (Sips quickly. DOORBELL CHIMES are

heard. DREARDON doesn’t react.)JENNY: Aren’t you going to answer the door?DREARDON: No. I’m supposed to pretend to be deaf.JENNY: Why?DREARDON: Long story.JENNY: This house just keeps getting weirder and weirder.DREARDON: Just wait. It’s going to get weirder still. (DOORBELL

CHIMES again. JENNY crosses UPSTAGE and watches.)LAVINIA: (From OFF RIGHT.) Richard, you’ll have to knock. (SOUND OF

KNOCKING.) Harder! He has to see the door actually move.RICHARD: (From OFF RIGHT.) What?LAVINIA: Knock harder!RICHARD: All right. (LOUD KNOCKING.) Ow! (DREARDON quickly opens

the door, anticipating RICHARD’S knock. RICHARD tumbles IN, followed by LAVINIA.)

DREARDON: (Scowls.) Welcome.RICHARD: Ow. My knuckles are full of splinters.LAVINIA: (Loud.) Hello, Dreardon. Darling, this is Dreardon, the

doorman.RICHARD: Hello. (Reaches out his hand, which DREARDON shakes

tightly.) Ow! Imbedding! Imbedding the splinters! The splinters in my hand have become deeply imbedded!

LAVINIA: He can’t hear you. (Pulls him towards the couch.) Sit down, darling, I think I have something in here somewhere for those splinters. (Pulls out a syringe from her purse.)

RICHARD: Uh… Lavinia? What’s with the syringe? (DREARDON’S head involuntarily swivels left to look at them. They swivel their heads right to look at him just as he faces front.)

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LAVINIA: Syringe? Oh, that. It’s just animal tranquilizer from my trip to the Amazon. I forgot to take it out, that’s all. (Takes out tweezers.) Here we go. Let’s get those splinters out.

JENNY: Shouldn’t you sterilize that fi rst?LAVINIA: Who are you?JENNY: Jenny, the new maid.RICHARD: Hi, I’m Richard. (JENNY crosses to RICHARD to shake his

outstretched hand, but before that can happen…)LAVINIA: You don’t have to mingle with the help, Richard. (JENNY

crosses back UPSTAGE.)RICHARD: I was just being polite. (LAVINIA pulls a splinter out.) Ow!

Deep one! So this is the house you grew up in. It’s a little creepy.LAVINIA: No, it’s really creepy. Perched all alone on a mountaintop, in

total isolation—Aunt Maggity’s House of Horror is what the kids in town called it. Her real name is Margaret, but she raises maggots as pets, so we called her Maggity. I’m just glad my sisters and I didn’t have to live here very long. I was 15 when I went off to boarding school. Never to return, until now.

RICHARD: Never? You never came back for vacations, or holidays?LAVINIA: Well, to be honest, none of us wanted to come back. We

were at the best boarding schools in Europe. I was in London, Lola and Chloe were in Paris, and Francine was in Switzerland staying with my dad’s side of the family until she was old enough for school. If you had your choice between any of those places and this horrible old house, what would you choose?

RICHARD: So now, after all these years, you are all coming back.LAVINIA: Yes, we were called back by Aunt Maggity. It can only be one

thing—the reading of our parents’ will. I’ve been waiting for this for years! I’ll be rich.

RICHARD: What happened to your parents?LAVINIA: A winter night, an icy road… their car went off the road and

over the mountain.RICHARD: I’m so sorry, Lavinia. I didn’t know.LAVINIA: Thank you. (DOORBELL CHIMES. DREARDON doesn’t react.

Sarcastic.) Great. Here come the sisters.RICHARD: Won’t you be glad to see them?LAVINIA: (Quickly changes her tune.) Of course, Richard. I just wanted

some quality time with Aunt Maggity, that’s all. I was always her favorite.

LOLA: (From OFF RIGHT.) Is anybody home?CHLOE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Somebody open the door!

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RICHARD: Should we get the door? (SOUND OF KNOCKING.)LAVINIA: Only Dreardon opens the door. (Waves her arms to get

DREARDON’S attention. Then, she mimes knocking and points to the door. DREARDON answers the door. CHLOE and LOLA ENTER RIGHT. RICHARD starts when he sees LOLA, and then tries to be as unobtrusive as possible, picking up a newspaper and hiding behind it.)

CHLOE: I don’t believe it. Dreardon is still here! No wonder it took so long to be let in.

LOLA: Are you still deaf, dear Dreardon?CHLOE: That is so insensitive, Lola! Two words, Dreardon. Hearing aid.LOLA: It’s not like he can hear you, Chloe. Now who’s being

insensitive?LAVINIA: Hello, sisters.LOLA: Lavinia! It’s been years! Give us a hug!CHLOE: (As LAVINIA starts to embrace CHLOE then LOLA.) Oh, don’t

actually touch—LOLA: It’s chiffon, don’t crush it!CHLOE: Lavinia, what are you wearing? It’s so retro!LOLA: In a really unattractive and awkward sort of way.CHLOE: Yeah. Ew.LAVINIA: It’s called a business suit. It’s what women wear when they’re

the successful junior C.E.O. of an international pharmaceutical company.

CHLOE: Well, I guess we all have to make sacrifi ces.LAVINIA: By the way, the man sitting here? (Takes the newspaper

away.) The one you’ve paid absolutely no attention to?LOLA: Oh, look, it’s a man.CHLOE: Sitting right there. Cool.LOLA: Is he yours?LAVINIA: This is Richard. We just got engaged on the train. It was so

spontaneous—he didn’t even have a ring.LOLA: No ring? What are you, cheap?CHLOE: Maybe he’s poor.LOLA: Poorly dressed, that’s for sure. Who are you wearing?RICHARD: What?LAVINIA: Never mind, Richard. These are my sisters, Lola and Chloe.LOLA: We’re twins.CHLOE: Fraternal. You could probably tell we don’t look exactly alike.RICHARD: Yes, I did notice that.

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LOLA: Richard… wait a minute. I know you. (DREARDON’S head involuntarily swivels left to look at the group. They ALL swivel their heads right to look at him just as he faces front.)

RICHARD: (Nervous.) You do?LOLA: We went out on a blind date last year. You said you would call,

but you never did.CHLOE: (To LOLA.) I remember you telling me about that! (To RICHARD.)

You macho scum.LAVINIA: Richard, you never told me.RICHARD: It was before I met you. I didn’t know she was your sister.

I didn’t even know her last name. And—and—it was just dinner. A short dinner, as I recall.

LOLA: Why didn’t you ever call me?RICHARD: I thought it was pretty obvious that we weren’t compatible.LOLA: Oh?CHLOE: Yeah, oh? Why’s that?RICHARD: Well, ah, you were wearing toreador pants, a kilt and a

black hood… and ah… I was wearing a three-piece suit.LOLA: So?CHLOE: Yeah, so?RICHARD: A hood. Not attached to anything, just a hood. I thought it

was odd. I don’t do well with odd.LOLA: Well what you call “odd” is known in the wider world as high

fashion.CHLOE: Yeah. We just had our fi rst fashion show in SoHo. SoHo, New

York. We were a major hit. The label of Lola & Chloe has arrived.LAVINIA: So you designed what you’re wearing?CHLOE: Yeah, duh.LOLA: It’s from our Urban Primitive collection.CHLOE: “Up” for short. Get it? Urban Primitive. U. P. Up.RICHARD: Like the singing group “Up With People”?LOLA: No. We don’t like people.CHLOE: Yeah. We wish they’d stay down.RICHARD: Um… some of those prints and furs look like they come

from animals on the endangered species list.LAVINIA: Richard is an environmental activist.LOLA: They are endangered. That’s why we can charge such high

prices for them.CHLOE: It’s our way of being edgy and making a statement.RICHARD: What statement are you making?

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LOLA: That we don’t care if they go extinct.RICHARD: (Weakly.) Oh. Well, at least you stand for something.LAVINIA: (Looks at her watch, opens her purse and pulls out her cell

phone.) You’ll have to excuse me. I have to call the offi ce.RICHARD: (Whispers.) Don’t leave me with them.LAVINIA: (Ignores RICHARD and talks into phone.) Hello, Wallace? Hi.

Lavinia. You know that project we talked about? I’m on it. (Goes UPSTAGE, and we don’t hear her anymore.)

AMELIA: (ENTERS UP LEFT, with trays of disgusting looking appetizers—a pile of dark gummy worms, Jell-O cubes with olives in them, things that look like fi ngers. She hands a tray to JENNY. They offer the trays. No one takes anything.) Good evening, all. You must be hungry after your long trips.

CHLOE: I can’t believe you’re still working here, Amelia.AMELIA: The job got a great deal more pleasant after you all left.

Thank you for never coming back.RICHARD: That’s so mean. Why is everyone so mean?JENNY: (To RICHARD.) Would you like an appetizer?RICHARD: Sure— (JENNY puts the tray right under his nose.) No. I

mean, no thank you. They do look delicious, but I’m on a diet. A uh… no food diet. (DOOR BELL CHIMES. DREARDON, as always, doesn’t react.)

CHLOE: Who could that be? Nobody but family ever comes here.AMELIA: Probably your little sister Francine.LOLA: Francine! I forgot all about her.JENNY: You forgot you had another sister?LOLA: So?CHLOE: Yeah. So? It doesn’t make her a bad person. I totally forgot,

too. Although now, it’s coming back to me. She was so annoying.FRANCINE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Hey! Open up!LOLA: Yeah, I remember her now. Always running around with a bat.AMELIA: She played T-ball.CHLOE: She was dangerous.AMELIA: She was four! You can’t be dangerous when you’re four years

old.FRANCINE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Open up or I’ll pound the door down!

Open up! (LOUD KNOCKS and GRUNTS.) Uh! Uh! Uh!JENNY: Well, she sounds dangerous now. (ALL THE SISTERS wave arms,

call “DREARDON!”, mime knocking, point at the door. DREARDON doesn’t seem to notice.)

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RICHARD: This is ridiculous. I’m opening the door before it gets pounded in. (Opens the door. A fi st, encased in a boxing glove and attached to FRANCINE‘S arm, comes through the door and makes contact with RICHARD’S stomach. RICHARD doubles over as FRANCINE ENTERS.) Oooooffff! Ahhh!

LAVINIA: (Into cell phone.) Gotta go. (Crosses to RICHARD.) Darling, are you all right?

RICHARD: (As LAVINIA takes him to the couch.) Ahhhhh…FRANCINE: Dude! Sorry! Dreardon! Dude! (Gives him little affectionate

punches in the stomach.) And here are all my sisters. Hey! Dudes!

LOLA: Don’t touch me.CHLOE: We told you she was dangerous.FRANCINE: (To RICHARD.) Are you okay? I’m Francine. (Sticks out

boxing gloved hand. RICHARD stands and awkwardly shakes it. She then bumps chests with him, athlete-like, throwing him back on the couch.)

RICHARD: (Weakly.) Richard.FRANCINE: Sorry about all the yelling and punching. But I jogged here

from home, so I’m pumped! I can’t just stop, I gotta cool down. I am pumped!

AMELIA: You jogged to upstate New York from Philadelphia?FRANCINE: Getting into shape. I’m going pro. Oh, that reminds me—

(Yells out the door.) Ozzie! He’s my manager. I hope I didn’t lose him in the Poconos. That’s the last time I remember seeing him.

JENNY: That’s hundreds of miles away.DREARDON: There’s a taxi outside. Are we expecting anyone else?OZZIE: (ENTERS RIGHT with CHUCK.) Hey, everybody. Yo. I’m Ozzie.

(To DREARDON.) Dude. You’re scaring me. Yo, Francine. I couldn’t keep up with you, so I grabbed a cab. I can’t believe you beat me here. Cool. So, what’s going on?

FRANCINE: Who’s the clown?OZZIE: This is Chuck.CHUCK: Hey.OZZIE: And he’s not a clown clown, he’s a rodeo clown. He was

hitchhiking. I told him, man, that’s dangerous. Even for a clown.LOLA: Do something funny.CHLOE: Yeah, make us laugh.LAVINIA: Aren’t you supposed to wear huge clown shoes?AMELIA: And a big red nose? Big red noses are funny.

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OZZIE: Get this dudes—rodeo clowns are actually bull fi ghters. They’re there to protect the cowboys. If the cowboy falls off his horse, Chuck here would distract the bull. So of course he’s not going to wear clown shoes.

RICHARD: That is courageous.LOLA: It’s hot.CHLOE: It’s really hot.AMELIA: It’s nuts, if you ask me.OZZIE: So anyway, he’s on his way to Canada for a rodeo. The weather’s

starting to look nasty, so I told him he could spend the night here.CHUCK: I appreciate it.LAVINIA: Well, we’re all just getting reacquainted. We haven’t seen

each other in 15 years.OZZIE: Family reunion. Cool. Families are cool. I’m hungry.JENNY: Appetizer?OZZIE: Gummy worms! I love gummy worms. (Eats a handful of the

worms.) There’s no gummy in these worms. These are just worms.FRANCINE: Protein. Cool. (Eats.) Are you okay, dude? You look a little

green.OZZIE: I just ate worms. I so did not mean to do that.HUMPHRIES: (ENTERS UP RIGHT.) Your rooms are ready, so you can

all freshen up. Madam Maggity will be down directly.LOLA: I can’t believe Humphries is still here.CHLOE: I know. I can’t even believe he’s still alive. He must be in the

hundreds by now.HUMPHRIES: Nice to see you, too. (EXITS UP RIGHT.)RICHARD: I think my hand is infected from all those splinters.LAVINIA: I have to make a call, Richard. (Goes UPSTAGE to make a

phone call we can’t hear.)JENNY: Come with me. There’s a fi rst aid kit in the bathroom by

the kitchen. Just watch out for the black widow spiders. They’re everywhere.

RICHARD: But aren’t they poisonous?JENNY: Yes, they’re deadly. (She and RICHARD EXIT UP RIGHT.)AMELIA: Ozzie, Richard and the clown can share a room.CHUCK: It’s Chuck. (ALL EXIT UP LEFT except for LAVINIA, DREARDON

and LOLA, who, when LAVINIA’S back is turned, reaches into LAVINIA’S purse and takes out her diary. She glances at DREARDON, who quickly turns away as if he hasn’t seen anything. LOLA runs UP LEFT with it.)

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LAVINIA: (Into phone.) I told you I’m on it. I’ve got him fooled, hook, line and sinker. (DREARDON swivels his head to look at her, she looks at him, and he turns his head back just in time.) In fact, we just got engaged. (EXITS UP LEFT.)

DREARDON: Alone. Finally. (Takes out his iPod, puts his earbuds in and dances enthusiastically, including much stomping. The UP LEFT door opens, and CHLOE pops her head IN. A second too late, DREARDON removes earbuds and starts stomping the fl oor. We’re not sure if CHLOE has seen the iPod. Still stomping.) Ants.

CHLOE: (Loud, as to a person hard of hearing.) Yes, there’s always been an ant problem in this house. Have you seen Richard? (Louder.) Riiii-charrrd.

RICHARD: (ENTERS UP RIGHT with hands bandaged and holding a tube of ointment. JENNY follows him IN.) Thank you, Jenny. But, uh… this antibiotic cream expired about seven years ago. Are you sure it will still work?

JENNY: Honestly, no. Look, I think Madam Maggity may have some in the master bathroom. And if not, I’ll run out to the store and grab some.

RICHARD: That is very kind of you.JENNY: Oh, it’s nothing. I’m sure Madam Maggity doesn’t want her

guests dying off from infection.CHLOE: No, she prefers they die of spider bites. Lavinia’s wondering

where you are, Richard.RICHARD: Oh, right. Okay, thanks, Jenny. (He and CHLOE EXIT UP

LEFT. JENNY EXITS UP RIGHT. MAGGITY and HUMPHRIES ENTER UP RIGHT, he pushing her wheelchair.)

MAGGITY: Push, Humphries, push!HUMPHRIES: Take the brake off!MAGGITY: Put your back into it!HUMPHRIES: My back is in it. I’m practically horizontal.MAGGITY: Here we are. That wasn’t so bad, now was it?HUMPHRIES: I can’t feel my arms.MAGGITY: Well, Dreardon, are the children as awful as I remember

them?DREARDON: They’re worse, Madame. With the possible exception of

Francine, who is a boxer and brought an Ozzie and a clown with her.MAGGITY: Never trust a clown. Anybody who’s got a smile painted on

his face is hiding something.DREARDON: Like you’re not hiding anything?MAGGITY: Mind your own business, Dreardon.HUMPHRIES: Madame, it’s four o’clock. You know what that means.

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DREARDON: Oh, not again.HUMPHRIES: No one needs your negativity, Dreardon. (Gets on his

knees.) Margaret, would you marry me?MAGGITY: No, Humphries. As I’ve been telling you for years, I cannot

marry you. But thank you for asking.HUMPHRIES: (Gets up.) Do you hear that sound?DREARDON: The creaking of your knees?HUMPHRIES: No, you insensate slab of fl esh! My heart. My heart is

breaking.DREARDON: (Rolls his eyes.) Maybe she’ll change her mind tomorrow.HUMPHRIES: Yes, yes, thank you, Dreardon. Where there’s breath,

there is hope. (MAGGITY’S chin quivers and she looks like she’s about to cry. She takes the half of a pink handkerchief from her pocket and wipes her eyes.) Oh, dear. I’ve upset you.

MAGGITY: No, dear Humphries, it wasn’t you. For a moment it seemed, after all these years, I’d almost lost all hope of fi nding my child. I’m still waiting for a ransom note.

HUMPHRIES: Never, ever lose hope. Just as I get down on my knees and propose marriage to you every day for years and years in the hope that someday you’ll say yes, you cannot lose hope.

DREARDON: (Tears up and wipes his eyes.) He’s right, Madam. You’ve been so strong. To have your only child kidnapped, then lose your sister and try to raise these four girls… you are my hero.

HUMPHRIES: Your spirit is an inspiration to us all. So don’t lose hope.

MAGGITY: All right, all right! Enough of this.DREARDON: It feels good to let the emotions show every decade or

so. I feel cleansed.MAGGITY: And now, Dreardon, we’re good for another ten years. All right,

it’s time to gather the girls and let them know what their mother put in the codicil of her will. Ring for the servants. (DREARDON activates a foghorn on the desk, just as JENNY ENTERS UP RIGHT.)

JENNY: (Screams.) What was that?HUMPHRIES: That was the servant’s bell.JENNY: It’s a little loud, don’t you think?MAGGITY: It’s very loud, Jenny. That’s what makes it so effective.AMELIA: (ENTERS UP LEFT, running.) You called, Madame?MAGGITY: Oh, you made good time, Amelia. I have a feeling I may

need both of you once the nieces hear the rest of the will. I want you to stand by. And please, make sure we have enough seating for everyone.

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AMELIA: All right. (She and JENNY EXIT UP RIGHT and RE-ENTER with two folding chairs each, which they begin setting up.)

MAGGITY: Dreardon, ring the nieces. (DREARDON rings a bell and then takes his place by the door. HUMPHRIES pushes MAGGITY into the center of the room, where she is surrounded by the chairs. GIRLS ENTER UP LEFT, followed by RICHARD, OZZIE and CHUCK. LOLA, CHLOE and LAVINIA are bickering, but when they see AUNT MAGGITY, they put huge smiles on their faces.)

LAVINIA: Darling Aunt Maggity!LOLA: I’ve missed you so much!CHLOE: Yeah, I missed you, too!FRANCINE: Hi, Aunt Maggity.OZZIE: I hope that was the dinner bell. I’m starving.MAGGITY: Who are you? Do I have a nephew I don’t know about,

heaven forbid?OZZIE: Dude, that’s funny. No, I’m Ozzie. I’m Francine’s manager and

trainer.MAGGITY: And who’s the clown?OZZIE: That’s Chuck. He works for the rodeo. He’s a bullfi ghter.FRANCINE: It’s okay, Aunt Maggity, he’s cool.MAGGITY: If you say so, Francine. You’re probably wondering why I

called you here today. Now that’s a cliché, isn’t it? I would never use that phrase in one of my novels.

LOLA: You write novels?CHLOE: You mean… like… books?HUMPHRIES: Your Aunt Maggity is one of the foremost writers of

horror novels in the entire world.LOLA/CHLOE/LAVINIA/FRANCINE: Really?HUMPHRIES: Good of you all to keep tabs on your Aunt. Heartwarming,

really.LAVINIA: She sent us away to boarding school.LOLA: Yeah, as far away as she could, to another continent.CHLOE: In another country, even.LAVINIA: And you split all us sisters up.FRANCINE: Personally, I was grateful for that.LOLA/CHLOE/LAVINIA: What?FRANCINE: You guys took me into town and tried to trade me for a

pot-bellied pig.LAVINIA: You’re imagining it.LOLA: I don’t remember that.

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CHLOE: Yeah I don’t recall doing that.HUMPHRIES: Well, you did. Luckily we got wind of it, and your little

trade didn’t go through. And things just continued to go downhill. Lola and Chloe, you pushed the mail truck over the cliff. Thank goodness the mailman wasn’t in it.

LAVINIA: My sisters were horrible children.HUMPHRIES: You, Lavinia, burned down the woods behind the

house.LAVINIA: I didn’t realize that propane would catch fi re!HUMPHRIES: And little Francine kept running away because she was

in fear of her life.LOLA: She was such a baby.AMELIA: She was four. She was practically still a baby.FRANCINE: (Punches the air.) I can take care of myself now.HUMPHRIES: All that, after Madame had her own personal tragedy,

and she just couldn’t handle you anymore!FRANCINE: What tragedy, Aunt Maggity?MAGGITY: Never mind, Francine.HUMPHRIES: The only thing that’s kept her sane—well, relatively

sane—all these years has been working on her novels.RICHARD: Wait—Margaret? Margaret Grey? Author of “Dead Until

Dark”? “A Pulsating Madness”? “Puree Until Death”?MAGGITY: (Pleased.) Yes. Those are mine.RICHARD: You are—amazing. I love your books! I’ve never been so

scared in my life!CHUCK: And not a hackneyed phrase, not a tired premise in any of

them. I’m a big fan, too.MAGGITY: Why, thank you. Now, let’s get down to business, to the

reason you’re all here. As you know, you’ve all been living off a trust fund, the money of which is now gone. I will now read you the codicil of your parent’s will.

CHLOE: What’s a codicil?CHUCK: It’s an addition or appendix to a will. (ALL look at him in

wonder.) I studied law. Before I became a rodeo bullfi ghter clown.MAGGITY: The clown is correct. Now. Humphries, the codicil, please.

It’s on my desk. (HUMPHRIES goes to desk and gets a piece of paper.) Only I have known, all these years, what is in this. There were explicit directions in the will not to reveal anything until today, 15 years after the tragic demise of your parents. Thank you, Humphries. (By this time, ALL except SERVANTS are seated. Reads the will.) “To my sister Margaret, and to my beloved children—

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Lavinia, Lola, Chloe and Francine. One million dollars has been set aside to give to the one of you that is married on (Insert current date.)”

JENNY: That’s today! (To AMELIA.) Are any of them married?AMELIA: I don’t think so.LAVINIA: I’m engaged! It’s a done deal. We’ll be married soon.RICHARD: We will?LAVINIA: I should get the money. It’s mine. I’m the closest to being

married.CHLOE: Engaged isn’t the same as being married! Is it?LOLA: No! Really, Lavinia, you’ve always been the greedy one.LAVINIA: Just because you can’t keep a man—LOLA: You witch! (Jumps on LAVINIA, pulls her hair.)RICHARD: Hey!LAVINIA: Help! Get her off me! Ow!RICHARD: Lola! Get off! (Tries to pull LOLA off. This just increases the

pulling of LAVINIA’S hair.)LAVINIA: Ow! Ow!CHLOE: Get off of my sister! I’m coming, Lola! (FRANCINE holds out

her arm, still in the boxing glove. CHLOE runs into it and knocks herself down. She’s out.)

CHUCK: Wow. What a right hook.OZZIE: That’s my girl.FRANCINE: Chloe always had a glass jaw. (RICHARD gets LOLA off of

LAVINIA, and LOLA starts beating on RICHARD.)LOLA: You said you would call me!RICHARD: That’s just what you say!LOLA: We could have been married by now! And I’d be a millionaire!RICHARD: Get her off of me! (JENNY and AMELIA go to RICHARD’S

rescue. CHUCK helps CHLOE, lightly patting her face to bring her back.) She gave me a bloody nose! (HUMPHRIES brings RICHARD a handkerchief. OZZIE looks at CHUCK unsuccessfully trying to bring CHLOE back.)

OZZIE: Here. Let me. (Squirts some water in CHLOE’S face from FRANCINE’S water bottle.)

CHLOE: (Sputters.) Where am I?FRANCINE: She’s fi ne. Whoa. That fi ght was just like the old days.JENNY: This is how it was when you were growing up?FRANCINE: Why do you think I learned to box?RICHARD: I think my nose is broken.

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LAVINIA: Don’t be so dramatic, Richard.MAGGITY: Are we ready to continue? (Everything settles down and is

quiet.) The codicil goes on to say that if on this day none of you are married yet, the one million dollars will be split equally between the fi ve of us.

CHUCK: That is the weirdest codicil I ever heard of.MAGGITY: So that’s that. It’s a lot of money, and you should all be

grateful. (ALL THE SISTERS but FRANCINE look angry.)AMELIA: Dinner will be served in the dining room in thirty minutes.

(She and DREARDON EXIT UP RIGHT, taking the chairs with them. ALL except MAGGITY and HUMPHRIES begin to EXIT UP LEFT.)

OZZIE: Awesome! I’m starving.CHLOE: I have a headache. Francine punched me.FRANCINE: You ran into my fi st, dude.LOLA: Are you coming, Lavinia?LAVINIA: Hold on. Are you all right, Richard?RICHARD: No, I’m not all right! I think my nose is broken!JENNY: Would you like me to take a look at it?RICHARD: Yes, thank you.LAVINIA: Whatever. (EXITS UP LEFT, dialing her cell phone.)JENNY: Remember to watch out for the spiders, Richard. (She and

RICHARD EXIT UP RIGHT. HUMPHRIES and MAGGITY are alone onstage.)

HUMPHRIES: So. You’ve known about the terms of the will all these years.

MAGGITY: Yes.HUMPHRIES: Your sister expected you to be married. That money

was meant for you. And had you married me, you would be a millionaire—

MAGGITY: And you would have wondered if that was the reason I married you. And the girls would hate me more than they do now, all because of my crazy sister and that will.

HUMPHRIES: Margaret Maggity Grey, you are an exceptional woman.MAGGITY: Oh, stop it, Humphries. You know I hate that kind of talk.

Take me into the library. (They EXIT UP LEFT, with the usual braking of the wheelchair and ad-libs about it. JENNY and RICHARD RE-ENTER UP RIGHT. RICHARD has a large bandage over his nose.)

RICHARD: Thank you, Jenny.JENNY: Anytime. (There is a pause as JENNY and RICHARD look at each

other. LAVINIA ENTERS UP LEFT. JENNY quickly crosses to UP RIGHT as RICHARD begins to EXIT UP LEFT. LAVINIA watches suspiciously.)

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LAVINIA: Richard, wait. We need to talk.RICHARD: Of course, but couldn’t it wait? I wanted to rest before

dinner.LAVINIA: No, Richard it can’t wait. We’re on a deadline.RICHARD: Deadline? What deadline? (They sit on the couch. Unseen

by them, LOLA ENTERS UP LEFT, hiding the diary behind her back, and listens to them.)

LAVINIA: According to the will, anyone who is married today gets one million dollars. Well, legally, the day isn’t over until midnight.

RICHARD: What are you saying?LAVINIA: I’m saying let’s get married.RICHARD: But we just got engaged a couple of hours ago.LAVINIA: When it’s right, it’s right, Richard. And I am madly in love

with you and always will be. Now, (Looks through her purse.) I know people, and I could get someone up here before midnight to marry us—

LOLA: (Holds up diary.) Looking for this, Lavinia?LAVINIA: My diary! Give that to me!LOLA: Listen to this, Richard. (Reads.) “January 2. Everything is falling

into place. The trip to the Amazon went as planned, and we got all the indigenous plants for the patent. Wallace is going to be so pleased when I tell him my idea to get the environmentalists out of our way.”

LAVINIA: Richard, I can explain—RICHARD: Let her read, Lavinia.LOLA: And listen to the entry from yesterday. (Reads.) “Richard has

no clue what is going on. We’ll soon be engaged and I’ll make him think it was his idea. The man is putty in my hands—hands that will soon be overfl owing with cash when this patent goes through!”

RICHARD: Let me see that. (Looks at diary.) I’ve been a sucker!LAVINIA: No!LOLA: Yes, Richard. She’s just using you.RICHARD: (To LAVINIA.) You are despicable. I’m leaving right now. I

never want to see you again. (Heads for the STAGE RIGHT door.)LAVINIA: Richard, we came by train. The next train isn’t until

morning.RICHARD: (Crosses UP LEFT.) I’m going upstairs. After tomorrow, I

never want to see you again. (EXITS UP LEFT.)LAVINIA: I will get you for this, Lola. Richard, please, let me explain!

(EXITS, running, UP LEFT.)LOLA: That was fun.

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FRANCINE: (ENTERS UP LEFT, warming up for a jog, followed by OZZIE.) Dude, come jogging with me.

OZZIE: But, it’s just about dinnertime. I’m starving. All I ate today were two worms. Hey, Lola, you got any food?

LOLA: (Seductive.) Hi, Ozzie. Francine, why don’t you let Ozzie stay behind so I can get to know him?

FRANCINE: No way, Lola. We have training to do. Come on, Ozzie, just a short jog, up and down the mountain. I like working hard. I like pushing it, raising the bar—

OZZIE: Okay, Francine. Later, Lola.FRANCINE: Dude, let’s go before the storm hits! (EXITS RIGHT with

OZZIE. CHUCK ENTERS UP LEFT with a book.)LOLA: (Seductive.) Hello, Chuck.CHUCK: Hey. I’m just gonna sit here and read.LOLA: A book reading, law-studying clown. You’re quite the enigma,

aren’t you?CHUCK: I just wanna read.LOLA: There can’t be much money in bullfi ghting.CHUCK: I’m not in it for the money.LOLA: There’s nothing wrong with money. If you had money, you could

afford to buy clothes. So, why don’t we get married? Like, tonight.CHUCK: No! (LAVINIA ENTERS UP LEFT, quietly.)LOLA: (Crosses to CHUCK on couch.) We can get divorced tomorrow!

But I’ll share the million dollars with you. I’ll give you like a hundred grand.

CHUCK: I can’t marry you!LOLA: Oh, apparently the clown has ethics.LAVINIA: Unlike you.LOLA: Or you, you eavesdropper. And where do you think I got the idea,

Miss “Marry Me Tonight Richard”?LAVINIA: (Crosses to couch, sits on the other side of CHUCK.) I’ll give

you two hundred thousand if you marry me.CHUCK: I just wanna read.LOLA: Get away from him, Lavinia! I’ll give you three hundred thousand!CHUCK: I’m gonna go—LAVINIA: You can’t even buy a man, Lola. First Richard, now Chuck.

(To CHUCK.) Four hundred thousand.LOLA: Get out of here, Lavinia! I asked him fi rst!LAVINIA: You get out! (A tussle ensues, the SISTERS trying to slap each

other across CHUCK, hit each other with cushions, pillows etc.)

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CHLOE: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) What is going on down here?LAVINIA: Lola’s trying to marry Chuck to get all the money!LOLA: Lavinia is! (At this point, CHLOE tries to stop the fi ghting, and

CHUCK’S clown hat, which was attached to his wig, gets knocked off to reveal…)

LAVINIA: You’re a girl!LOLA: Oh, get out!CHLOE: No way!LAVINIA: (Holds CHUCK’S face.) Look at him! He’s a girl. She. She’s

a girl.CHUCK: Let go of my head, please.CHLOE: What is up with that?CHUCK: I pretended to be a boy so I could be a rodeo clown.LAVINIA: Well, then you’re of no use at all. Sorry, Lola, I guess you’re

not getting married tonight.CHLOE: Lola?LOLA: I don’t know what she’s talking about.LAVINIA: Yes you do, Lola, you liar. (Unseen by OTHERS, LOLA takes

the syringe out of LAVINIA’S purse.)CHLOE: I don’t believe you, Lavinia. Lola is not only my twin sister, but

also my BFF.LOLA: I’m going to my room. See, Lavinia, nobody believes you. (She

and CHLOE EXIT UP LEFT.)LAVINIA: Those two have always stuck together against me. It’s always

been two against one.CHUCK: (Doesn’t know what to say.) Sorry.LAVINIA: (Takes out cell phone and EXITS UP LEFT as she talks.) Hello?

Hi, Wallace. We have an issue.CHUCK: And I thought bulls were nasty. Wow. (EXITS UP LEFT. DREARDON

ENTERS UP RIGHT. He starts picking up couch cushions. RICHARD ENTERS UP LEFT and sits on the couch as DREARDON takes up his post by the door.)

RICHARD: Hey, Dreardon. I know you can’t hear me, but I just need to talk. I was so fl attered that Lavinia, this beautiful powerful woman, wanted to date me. I never even looked at who she was. And since I’ve been here, I think I found someone that I really like. I just need to get up the nerve to tell her. Yup. That’s what I need. The nerve. The guts. And that’s what I’m gonna do. Soon. Real soon. (EXITS UP LEFT. After a beat, we hear a LOUD SCREAM OFF RIGHT. DREARDON runs OFF RIGHT. We hear DREARDON cry out followed by a CRASHING NOISE.)

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JENNY: (ENTERS UP RIGHT with AMELIA.) What was that?AMELIA: I think it came from outside. (Both look out.)JENNY: There’s nothing but a bunch of crows fl ying around.AMELIA: I don’t like crows. All that creepy cawing, it just makes my

skin crawl. Come on, we have to get the dishes out of storage and set the table. (JENNY and AMELIA EXIT UP RIGHT. OPTIONAL LIGHTNING FLASHES, THUNDER ROLLS. The UP LEFT DOOR OPENS, and a person [CHLOE] dressed in baggy black clothes and black mask ENTERS although the AUDIENCE can’t tell who it is. She carries a large black bag that appears to have a body in it. She drags the body towards the window seat. Then the UP RIGHT DOOR OPENS, and JENNY, pulling one end of a cart of dishes with AMELIA on the other end, backs out through the door. CHLOE quickly pushes the bag out of view and hides.)

And I look up, and there’s Mr. Walpole, running down the street after that no good goat of his—oh, wait—we forgot to get the fi nger bowls. We can come back for those. (They keep EXITING UP LEFT with the cart. As she EXITS…) So I say, “What’s going on?”… (They’re OUT. CHLOE lifts body bag into the window seat. Before she can go anywhere, JENNY again ENTERS, backing out of the kitchen and pulling the now empty cart with AMELIA pushing. CHLOE dives into the window seat on top of the body bag. AMELIA and JENNY cross UP RIGHT.)

So there’s Mrs. Walpole, following that goat with a pooper scooper hoping to maybe get a few pearls back—I mean that was an expensive necklace… (They EXIT UP RIGHT with cart. CHLOE pops her head up, then dashes OUT UP LEFT. JENNY and AMELIA RE-ENTER almost immediately and go back towards the kitchen UP LEFT carrying small bowls.) …so the sheriff says hang on to him, I think I see daylight! (AMELIA and JENNY EXIT UP LEFT.)

MAGGITY: (From OFF UP LEFT.) Come on, Humphries, you’d think you’d have the hang of this by now.

HUMPHRIES: (ENTERS UP LEFT, pushing MAGGITY.) There you are. Shall I summon everyone for dinner?

MAGGITY: Yes.HUMPHRIES: (Rings the dinner bell.) Dinner! (RICHARD, LAVINIA and

CHUCK ENTER UP LEFT.)MAGGITY: Well, where is everybody?HUMPHRIES: Where’s Dreardon?RICHARD: Where’s Jenny?HUMPHRIES: In the kitchen. (RICHARD crosses to UP LEFT, loses his nerve

and returns into the room. There is a POUNDING AT THE DOOR.)

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FRANCINE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Open up! Open the door!OZZIE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Open up.LAVINIA: What are we gonna do? Dreardon’s not here.RICHARD: Oh, for heaven’s sakes. I’ll get it. (Opens the front door.

OZZIE and FRANCINE ENTER carrying DREARDON to the couch. CHLOE, AMELIA and JENNY ENTER UP LEFT. General ad-libbing.)

AMELIA: What’s happened? Is he alive?OZZIE: He’s unconscious.FRANCINE: Ozzie and I were jogging down the mountain…OZZIE: …and Dreardon comes tumbling down like Jack and Jill, only

without the Jill.FRANCINE: And we caught him. He’s a bit bruised, but I think he’ll be

all right.JENNY: I’ll get some ice packs and bandages. (EXITS UP LEFT.)RICHARD: (To no one in particular.) She’s an angel.FRANCINE: Can you hear us, Dreardon? Dreardon! Wake up.OZZIE: Dude, that’s insensitive. I mean, he’s deaf.FRANCINE: (Smacking DREARDON’S cheeks.) Dreardon, can you feel

this?DREARDON: Ow.FRANCINE: He’s coming to!MAGGITY: How in the world did you fall off the mountain, Dreardon?DREARDON: I didn’t fall. Someone pushed me off. (ALL gasp.)FRANCINE: Wait a minute. How did you hear Aunt Maggity’s

question?OZZIE: He got his hearing back in the fall! It’s a miracle!HUMPHRIES: Dreardon is not and never was deaf. He pretended to

be so he could spy on the girls.LAVINIA: That is so devious.CHUCK: I understand devious. Sometimes, you gotta do what you

gotta do.MAGGITY: That’s right, Chuck. If Dreardon hadn’t overheard a certain

plot, a pot-bellied pig would be sitting where Francine is now.CHLOE: So that’s how you knew! Dreardon the tattletale!DREARDON: Priorities, people! Someone pushed me off the mountain.

Didn’t anyone hear me screaming?AMELIA: Jenny and I did! We looked outside and didn’t see anything,

so we thought it was just crows.HUMPHRIES: Who pushed you?

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DREARDON: I don’t know. I heard a scream, ran outside to see what was happening, and the next thing I knew, I was plunging head over heels down the mountainside.

JENNY: (ENTERS UP LEFT with ice packs and bandages.) Let’s have a look at you here.

AMELIA: Where’s Lola?ALL: Lola? Where’s Lola? That’s suspicious. (Ad-lib.)LAVINIA: Lola! Of course! She pushed him down and ran off!JENNY: Why would she do that?LAVINIA: She was probably angry that the clown turned her marriage

proposal down and took it out on Dreardon. I mean, being rejected by a clown has to be a new low, even for Lola.

CHUCK: You know that’s not why I rejected her. I’m a girl.ALL: (Except CHLOE and LAVINIA.) What?CHUCK: (Pulls off wig and hat.) See?ALL: (Ad-lib.) She’s a girl! I thought it was weird he was still wearing

his costume. Oh, my gosh!OZZIE: Dude! We shared a room! You broke some personal

boundaries.CHUCK: Don’t worry. I didn’t look. (NOTE: At some point during the

next page of dialogue, LOLA, with a gag in her mouth and hands bound, gets into the window seat [from OFFSTAGE] and positions herself half in the body bag.)

DREARDON: Priorities, people! Your attention, please. Someone tried to kill me!

HUMPHRIES: Should we call the police, Madam?JENNY: Yes, please! Something bad is happening here. Lola could be a

homicidal maniac on the loose, maybe on the loose in this house!DREARDON: We don’t know for certain it was she.MAGGITY: Yes, let’s wait to call the police. Lola could walk in here any

second, innocent as pie.LAVINIA: Yeah, right.OZZIE: Man, I am starved.MAGGITY: Let’s eat, and if Lola hasn’t shown up by the time we’re

done, we’ll call the police.FRANCINE: Come on, Dreardon. You can lean on me.DREARDON: (Walks.) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. (ALL except AMELIA and JENNY

EXIT UP LEFT.)AMELIA: We forgot napkins and serving spoons. (They EXIT UP RIGHT.

As JENNY RE-ENTERS with spoons and crosses UP LEFT, she hears a KNOCKING on the window seat. She goes to the STAGE RIGHT door

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but there’s no one there. AMELIA ENTERS UP RIGHT with napkins.) Jenny, what are you doing over there?

JENNY: I thought I heard someone knocking. But there’s no one there.AMELIA: All our nerves are on edge. It was probably just the thunder.

Come on. (They cross UP LEFT. KNOCKING resumes from window seat.)

JENNY: It’s coming from over there. (They slowly approach the window seat.)

AMELIA: You open it.JENNY: No, you. I’ll be ready to hit it.AMELIA: (Opens the window seat and a gagged and bound LOLA, half

out of the bag, emerges.) It’s Lola!JENNY: (Spoon held high.) Sorry! We thought maybe you were a

homicidal maniac!LOLA: (Tries to speak through the gag.) Lghhh bgggg!OZZIE: (Peeps his head through UP LEFT door.) Okay, we’re like really

hungry.JENNY: We found Lola!LOLA: Brrmrrr!OZZIE: Lola!ALL IN DINING ROOM: (From OFFSTAGE.) Lola? (ALL ENTER UP LEFT.)MAGGITY: Get her out of the window seat.HUMPHRIES: Put her on the couch. (They carry her to couch.)LOLA: Tgrblchhhh!CHUCK: She’s trying to say something.DREARDON: Take off her gag! (They remove the gag and untie her

hands.)AMELIA: Lola, are you all right?LOLA: Someone drugged me, gagged me and put me in that window

seat!OZZIE: That’s harsh, dude.CHUCK: Who did it?LOLA: I don’t know.DREARDON: Someone pushed me off the mountain!LOLA: No!ALL: Yes!OZZIE: Okay, I’m like really hungry and just want to eat, so let me

ask—Lola, did you push Dreardon off the mountain, and then put yourself in the window seat to take suspicion off yourself?

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LOLA: (Sarcastic.) Yes, Ozzie. I pushed Dreardon off the mountain, then I knocked myself out, gagged myself, tied my hands behind my back, put myself in a bag, went into the window seat and neatly closed it behind me.

OZZIE: Whoa. Mystery solved. Case closed. Let’s eat.LAVINIA: She was being sarcastic. Of course she didn’t do that. She

couldn’t have done that. Think it through, Ozzie!OZZIE: Methinks the lady doth protest too much.LAVINIA: What?OZZIE: You could’ve done it. Everyone knows you and Lola can’t stand

each other.CHUCK: True. You might have thrown Dreardon down the mountain so

there wouldn’t be any witnesses, and then tried to get rid of Lola so you’d get more money.

OZZIE: Whoa. Makes sense. Case closed. Chow time.LAVINIA: Except I didn’t do it. Maybe Chuck the clown did it. I mean,

she came here in disguise.CHUCK: It’s not a disguise—someone stole my backpack with all my

clothes in it at the bullfi ght today. So this is all I had to wear. I just needed a warm place to sleep for the night. Why would I put my whole career in jeopardy to do harm to people that I don’t know?

CHLOE: Maybe the new maid did it.RICHARD/JENNY: What? (ALL except DREARDON, MAGGITY and

HUMPHRIES start hurling accusations, counter accusations and protestations of innocence until HUMPHRIES, at MAGGITY’S urging, sounds the FOGHORN. ALL FREEZE.)

MAGGITY: This is getting us nowhere. Let’s go through this step by step and use logic, not emotion. Dreardon heard a scream and went outside.

ALL: (ALL UNFREEZE.) Right.MAGGITY: So that the room would be empty for whoever put Lola in

the window seat.ALL: Right.MAGGITY: So who knew that Dreardon wasn’t deaf? Who knew he

would hear that scream? (There is a pause. LIGHTNING FLASHES, followed by a LOUD THUNDER CLAP. Slowly, DREARDON looks at CHLOE.)

DREARDON: Chloe did. She saw me dancing to my music.LOLA: Chloe? Don’t make me laugh. Chloe is too dumb to think of

anything like that.LAVINIA: True that. Chloe is one burger short of a Happy Meal.

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CHLOE: No, I’m not.JENNY: Is that a confession?CHLOE: (Realizes her mistake.) Oh. No. Not really… um… ah. Okay,

yes. Dreardon, I never meant to throw you down the mountain. I saw this syringe in Lola’s room, and it says animal tranquilizer. So I thought, I’ll get you out of the house and tranquilize you so you don’t see me trying to get rid of Lola. But before I went outside, I thought, this black outfi t would look so cool with my black really high heels, so I put them on. I looked fabulous. Anyway, I climbed out my window and screamed so Dreardon would come out, and just as I was going to stick him with the needle I tripped and accidentally pushed him down the mountain. There was nothing I could do.

HUMPHRIES: You could have told us so we could have looked for him.

CHLOE: Oh. I didn’t think of that. But that doesn’t make me a bad person, does it?

ALL: Yes.CHLOE: Oh.MAGGITY: What happened then?CHLOE: Well… then I thought, okay, look on the bright side, Chloe!

Now you’ve got more than enough tranquilizer to knock Lola out. So I snuck up behind Lola, stuck her with her own syringe, and you know the rest.

FRANCINE: Except for why. Why would you do that, Chloe?CHLOE: Because I thought Lola was going to do it to me! Why else

would she have a syringe in her purse? She already tried to get married to steal my part of the money. And cause she disrespects me and gets all the attention at fashion shows. I just wanted to teach her a lesson. I was only going to leave her there for like a couple of days.

LOLA: I was going to do it to Lavinia!LAVINIA: What!CHLOE: I’m so sorry, I didn’t know!LOLA: It’s okay.LAVINIA: It’s not okay. I was almost a victim here.CHLOE: BFF’s forever?LOLA: Of course! I’m not pressing charges. She’s my sister, and we’re

the design team of Lola & Chloe. No, we’re Chloe & Lola, and I forgive her.

AMELIA: That’s generous of you.

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LOLA: Not really. I need Chloe. I don’t know how to sew.MAGGITY: You could have killed my friend Dreardon. You have to pay

the consequences of your actions.LAVINIA: Make them both pay!CHLOE: It was an accident!CHUCK: I have an idea. If Dreardon charged Chloe in a court of law,

everyone would hire lawyers, and Chloe would lose because she confessed and still spend thousands of dollars in legal fees.

CHLOE: We’re not going to listen to a clown, are we?CHUCK: Or, Chloe could give Dreardon the money she just inherited,

for physical and emotional damages. Lola could then give half her money to her beloved twin, and it’s a win win win.

DREARDON: I like it.CHLOE/LOLA: We’ll do it.MAGGITY: I need to say something to my nieces. Your mother and I

were estranged for the last 15 years of her life. I regret that now. I never even got to meet you before you moved in here. Now, look around at your sisters—they’re your family. They’re the best gift you could have.

HUMPHRIES: That’s heartwarming, it really is.MAGGITY: And now there’s something I have to do. It’s midnight. It’s

a new day. Humphries, would you marry me?HUMPHRIES: What? I mean, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, I think I’m going to

cry.ALL: Awwwww. (MAGGITY and JENNY both hand him half of a pink

handkerchief.)JENNY: That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.AMELIA: Jenny, where did you get that handkerchief?JENNY: I’ve had it since I can remember. It’s the one thing I’ve taken

with me from foster home to foster home.HUMPHRIES: Foster home?JENNY: Yes. I was dropped off at an orphanage when I was two. But I

don’t remember anything about it.AMELIA: Let me see that. Madam, give me yours. (Puts them

together. They fi t exactly.) Look! They’re two halves of the same handkerchief!

DREARDON: That means that Jenny is your long lost daughter. (OPTIONAL SOUND OF RAIN GENTLY FALLING.)

AMELIA: No wonder there was never a ransom note.JENNY: Mother?

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MAGGITY: (Holds out her arms, they hug.) Jenny! My baby! I never thought I’d see you again. My long lost daughter! Now, I’ll defi nitely never fi re you!

HUMPHRIES: Margaret!MAGGITY: I was just kidding. We have such much to talk about.DREARDON: I’m going to cry.MAGGITY: And I promise, I’ll be a nicer mother than I am an employer.

In fact, I intend to be much nicer employer.AMELIA: You going to be nice? I never thought I’d see the day. It’s a

miracle.DREARDON: I’m crying. I’ll stop now. (Keeps crying.) I can’t stop!RICHARD: That’s all right, Dreardon. It takes guts to cry in front of a

room full of people.DREARDON: Speaking of guts, Richard?RICHARD: Yes?DREARDON: Find the guts, Richard.RICHARD: How did you know? Oh, that’s right, you’re not deaf. Jenny,

could I see you again?FRANCINE: Wait. (To LAVINIA.) What happened to being engaged to

Richard?LAVINIA: Zip it, Francine.OZZIE: Whoa. Awkward.RICHARD: So, Jenny… could I take you to dinner?JENNY: Yes! You had me when you walked in the door.MAGGITY: So everything turns out well!DREARDON: Well, except for one thing.MAGGITY: What’s that?DREARDON: Your novel. You’re not really going to let sweet Fiona die

from a snakebite, are you?MAGGITY: No, I’m not. For the fi rst time in my life, I’m going to write

a happy ending. Now that I see it’s possible.ALL: Awwwwww.OZZIE: And I’m still so hungry. Could we please eat, so I could get the

taste of those worms out of my mouth?AMELIA: Come on, everyone. The food’s still hot. (ALL begin to EXIT

UP LEFT, JENNY and AMELIA with the napkins and spoons.)DREARDON: The whole family sitting down to a meal together. Now

that’s what I call a happy ending. (LIGHTS OUT.)End of Play

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESONSTAGE: Writer’s desk with drawer, framed photo in drawer, chair, old

sofa with pillows, window seat with hinged top, old pictures, skull, stuffed cobra, piles of paper, cobwebs, old typewriter, foghorn, bell, newspaper

BROUGHT ON:Feather duster, tea tray, cup of tea, two folding chairs, ice packs,

bandages, spoons, half of a pink handkerchief (JENNY)Half of a pink handkerchief (MAGGITY)Purse with syringe, tweezers, cell phone and diary inside

(LAVINIA)Trays of disgusting appetizers including dark-colored gummy

worms, Jell-O cubes with olives inside, things that look like fi ngers; two folding chairs (AMELIA)

iPod (DREARDON)Wheelchair, handkerchief (HUMPHRIES)Water bottle, boxing gloves (FRANCINE)Bandages, tube of ointment, large bandage (RICHARD)Book (CHUCK)Large black bag that appears to have a body in it (CHLOE)Rolling cart with dishes, napkins (JENNY, AMELIA)Gag (LOLA)

SOUND AND LIGHTING EFFECTSDoorbell chimes, knock on door, loud knocking, foghorn, loud scream, crash, optional storm effects (roll and clap of thunder, lightning fl ashes, rain falling)

COSTUMESCHLOE wears a chiffon dress. She also needs baggy black clothes,

black high-heel shoes and a black mask.LAVINIA wears a business suit and a watch.LOLA wears an animal print outfit trimmed with fur.CHUCK wears cowboy clothes and a clown hat attached to a man’s

wig.JENNY could wear a maid’s outfi t and a half apron.HUMPHRIES and DREARDON wear dark suits.OTHERS wear everyday outfi ts befi tting their characters.

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