Communication

Builders and Barriers

Barriers

A material, object or set of objects that separates, demarcates, (to set separate),or serves as a barricade.

Something immaterial that impedes or separates. Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary

Barriers

Assuming Rescuing/Explaining Directing Expecting Adultisms

ASSUMING

Thinking you know what other people think, what they will do and how they will respond.

RESCUING/EXPLAINING

Stepping in to explain what happened rather than asking the kind of questions that will help a person discover what happened.

Or, rescuing a person so he/she does not have to experience the consequence or learn from the consequence.

Effects of Rescuing Behavior

Rescuing: "Don't cry, honey. I'll fix it for you." If we rush in and save our children, we are telling them they are incapable of taking care of their lives.

Effects of Explaining

Explaining what happened and how to fix it, instead of helping children examine and analyze their own problems, is neglecting an opportunity to foster the perceptions that children are capable.

Outcome that we want

By allowing them to take the consequences of their actions, we are telling them they are capable of handling both the behavior and the consequences.

DIRECTING

Giving instruction on each step to make sure it’s done MY way (the right way).

Attitude of controlling another…. (Pick that up, hand it to me, etc. )

Power over another

Effect of Directing

Directing children through each step instead of exploring how a task can be accomplished sends the message that children are incapable of doing the task on their own without specific directions.

Reduces child’s natural inclination to trust their instincts and try to solve problems on their own.

EXPECTING

The art of setting high standards and then pointing out the person’s failure to reach those standards.

Effects of Expecting

We should have high standards but be careful of making the standard by which we judge the children by.

ADULTISMS

Adultism-ing is a process in relationships of requiring people to read our minds and to think as we do.

How come you never…? Why can’t you ever….? Surely you realize! How many times do I have to tell you ?

Effects of Adultism

Children feel personally attacked by adultisms, because this type of remark implies, "Well, I should have known you weren't big enough to ride by yourself yet." In short, by attacking the person and failing to point to the problem, adults make children feel worthless and incapable.

Builders

To construct or develop as an integral part of something.

To develop gradually by increments To promote the esteem of To accumulate or develop appreciably

Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary

Builders

Checking Exploring Encouraging/Inviting Celebrating Respecting

CHECKING

Asking other people what they think, what they plan to do: or trying to understand why they chose to respond the way they did.

EXPLORING

Asking the “What?” “Why?” and “How?” questions to help a person become aware of his/her own perceptions and the consequences of his/her choices.

This helps put the responsibility of the action on the person.

Do not make it an inquisition.

ENCOURAGING/INVITING

Seeing people as assets rather than objects or recipients. Allowing for mistakes and different ways of doing things.

Encourages involvement

CELEBRATING

Recognizing progress and encouraging any step in that direction.

Look for what is gained. Be honest.

RESPECT

Being willing to “get into the world” of another person.

The language of respect is “What is your understanding of_______?” “Let me be sure that I understand what you think or feel”

Be honest and not condescending.