COMN 2111 FINAL EXAM REVIEW NOTES

Lecture 23

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TWO ICONS TO NOTICE AS I LECTURE

• MEANS THIS IS A SHORT ANSWER

• MEANS THAT THIS CONCEPT IS SPECIFICALLY REFERRED TO OR COULD BE USED IN AN ESSAY

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COMMUNICATION EFFECTIVNESS: SKILLS ABOUT SKILLS

We often don’t respond effectively to others when we feel challenged

Since most of our natural responses are automatic, over-learned, unconscious, we need to be conscious and manage our reactions

How? By becoming MINDFULFLEXIBLEMETACOMMUNICATORS

IF WE DON’T CONSCIOUSLY MANAGE OUR TALK

We automatically enact the 7th axiom of interpersonal communication

We speak defensively

• DENIAL: REFUSE TO ADMIT THREAT IS RELEVANT TO SELF OR ASSUME IT CAN BE POSTPONED

• AVOIDANCE: REFUSING TO FACE THREAT; NOT BEING IN SITUATION WHERE YOU MIGHT HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT

• RATIONALIZATION: MOST COMMON: MAKING EXCUSES, EXPLAINING AWAY THREATS

• INTELLECTUALIZATION: ENGAGING IN DETACHED ANALYSES OF THREATENING PROBLEMS

• PROJECTION: OPPOSITE OF BURYING INSIDE, ATTRIBUTE THREATENING FEELINGS TO SOMEONE ELSE

• REGRESSION: REVERT TO EARLIER MORE CHILDLIKE STATE

• Selected Readings Book

DEFENDING THE CONCEPTUAL SYSTEM OF THE SELF

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We Fail To Notice Our Emotional Communication Transactional Analysis (TA)

TA connects needs to patterns of external behavior Internal ego states produce outward behavior to evoke appropriate

response from others:

• The parent - critical or controlling , standard setting, nuturant• The adult - problem solver-information getter• The child -spontaneous (+) and (-), little professor, adapted

• The words/sounds of the "voices" of the ego states • Chap. 7 textbook

• Paralanguage – sound of your voice shapes meaning of words and shows your emotional “position” in an exchange with another

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We Don’t Give Each Other “Good Information”        

“Good” – means truthful, accurate, relevant, understandable

So we both can make an informed choice And act from commitment not coercion or

manipulation

WE CHANGE THE EMOTIONAL BIDDING IN OUR CONNECT TALK

• TURNING TOWARD: + REACTION TO O’S BID• TURNING AGAINST: - REACTION TO O’S BID• TURNING AWAY: o IGNORE O’S BID

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Assumptions Behind  CONNECT, C.O.N.T.R.O.L. And D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.  Talk   

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Connect Talk

Basic agreement, no tension, expectations clear basic agreement, no tension, expectations clear

Simple descriptions of other’s behavior and of events

Joking, story telling Routine description of self Actions, preferences, opinions, beliefs Voice tone relaxed                        

                                   

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C.O.N.T.R.O.L.  Talk Assumptions            

I must manage the other or situation to maintain my face

I persist - you change My story is obvious and is the truth Truth based on real data - my data I have access to all the data As C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Talk gets heavy I know what you meant – I tell you so You are to blame

D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. Talk  Assumptions 

Solve problem not save face -manage self not other We both have to change My story is my story - obvious only to me You have your story - obvious only to you I have all the data only when I listen to your storyAs D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. Deepens You clarify your meaning –I don’t try to do it for you How did we contribute to this situation?

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C. Critical Judgment– I Talk From Critical Judgment of You or Complain about

your action

O. Offer Them New Information– You-Messages: Tell Them Their Story– Ask Questions To Probe For Agreement And/Or

Understanding Of My Story– Listen For Leverage - For Agreement With Me Or

Weakness In Their Story

N. Negotiate A Change In Them– No/Low Acknowledgement Of Their Story – No/Low Support For Them

T. Try Again (Repeat Yourself) Or – Terminate Talk Or – Take It Personally and(Move To Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L

R. Righteous Anger/Indignation – Strong Emotions Drive Speech

O. Overt Aggressive or Passive/Aggressive Talk– You-Messages: Attack Person Not Problem– Disguised Emotional Talk– Creates Defensiveness – Most Often Used As “Put Downs” Or Attacks, Ridiculing

Humor

L. Lay Blame

• Description - communicate valid info• I-messages - own your story

• Asking questions - 4W2H

• Listening actively -show empathy

• Open acknowledgement - 4 kinds

• Genuine support - affirm, feedback

• Understand First - suspend judgment

• Emotional Self-Management -hot to cool

RSTYLE ELEMENTS OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. TALK

STYLE ELEMENTS OF C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK

• GIVE UNDERSTANDING FEEDBACK– Reflect: paraphrase back to the speaker how you think they

think or feel about the subject in order to let them know you’ve really listened.

– Ask questions to get more information before you reflect.

• AVOID THE FOUR DON’T’S– DON’T tell them what they should be thinking

– DON’T tell your story

– DON’T give your opinion or advice until they ask

– DON’T debate. let them correct your reflection if they need to.

I-Messages

• Descriptive – Non Judgmental– About your own perceptions, feelings, thoughts

• Open Acknowledgements– One of the most powerful I-messages– Build invisible connective bridge between in difficult

situations• Acknowledge the other, the situation, your own

feelings, etc.

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Fair Fighting Styles Elements

• Effectively Express Feelings - “I -Messages”• Define Out Of Bounds Areas Of Vulnerability - No “Below The Belt” Talk• Say What Fight Is About And Stay Inside Limits• Focus On The Here And Now• Listen Actively - Agree To Paraphrase Other’s Arguments In Your Own

Words and Other Does Same • Take It With Style• Focus On O’s Behavior And Ideas• Look For Where You And Other Agree

– See How You Can Help Other Get Some Of What They Want

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MODEL OF CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES

GOALS

IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP

IMPORT OFANCE

HI

LO

LO HI

FORCING WIN-LOSE

ACCOMMODATING LOSE-WIN

COMPROMISINGBOTH WIN- BOTH LOSE

AVOIDINGFEAR OF LOSE-LOSE

COLLABORATING WIN-WIN

(Text)

C.O.N.T.R.O.L. D.I.A

.L.O.G

.U.E.

Gender and talk - Two views of the world  (Lecture and Wood, Selected Readings)

Men speak to discover who is in charge - high vs. Lows – competition  

To establish autonomy relative to each other (compete to maintain it)

To negotiate status Using ‘report talk’Purpose of talk: Talk should accomplish something -

solve a problem, so give advice, take a stand Their “taken for granted” world is one of hierarchy

and control

Gender and talk - ContinuedWomen speak to discover who is connected - close vs.

Far – connection To establish their connection to each other

(cooperate to maintain it) To negotiate intimacy Using ‘rapport talk’ (connect talk)Purpose of talk: Talk should connect people - deal with

feelings, personal ideas, build relationships Their “taken-for-granted” world is based on closeness

and distance

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BASES OF HUMAN ATTRACTION

• Attraction develops from proximity and similarity in the following situations:

• Perceived Reciprocity of Liking• Attraction to others can depend on whether you feel that the people you

like also like you - SIMILARITY• Another’s “liking” increases your self-worth you return the compliment

with reciprocal liking.

• Complementary needs• Attraction is also somewhat based on COMPLEMENTARITY as well as

similarity• Dominance/submission, protection/dependence, talk/silence

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Relationship building: Trust and self-disclosure

• The Johari Window                            

OPEN

HIDDEN UNKNOWN

BLIND

Life cycle of relationships

Coming together        • Initiating• Experimenting• Intensifying• Integrating• Bonding

Coming apart• Differentiating• Circumscribing• Stagnating• Avoiding• Terminating

GOTTMAN’S MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE“Coming Apart”

Repeated• Complaining and criticizing leads to • Contempt in sender, which leads to• Defensiveness in receiver which leads to• Listener Withdrawal from interaction

(stonewalling).

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