connecting u sept 2009 edition

8/14/2019 connecting U Sept 2009 Edition

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SEPTEMBER 2009

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connectinguDivorced Dads Tips: The Di

fference Between ParentalAlienation Syndrome & Mommy Manipulation!

by Danny Guspie - Executive Director of Fathers Resources International

DISCLAIMER: Thefollowing is NOT legal advice,nor is it a substitute for legaladvice. If you are in Family Court

you will need legal advice, so

please see a lawyer.We've seen a number of cases

over the years of Parental AlienationSyndrome (PAS) over the years. To beclear: It is not a recognized medicalsyndrome. And, it is often overusedand inappropriately by divorced dads,it can torpedo their case fast simplybecause it is a simplisticoverstatement of the true facts.

It's a phrase now that is

embedded into the legal speak thatgoes on in Family Courtroomseverywhere when access/visitationdenial by anything from a mildlyangry to an extremely maliciousmother. And therein lies the problem.By not characterizing the seriousnessof the problems appropriately andaccurately, a divorced dad losescredibility when he doesn'tdistinguish between:

(a) Manipulation and/oralienation;

(b) Moderate, severe, extreme,fanatical forms of manipulation;

(c) Moderate, severe, extreme,fanatical forms of alienation.

Accurately portraying throughevidence which pigeonhole yourchild's symptoms seem to suggesttends to demonstrate reasonablenesson the fathers part, which naturally

confers credibility on that evidencebecause it does not come across as adistortion or exaggeration of thefacts.

When a malicious mother rampsup her campaign of hatred to thepoint that the children are seizedwith an OVERWHELMINGirrational fear of the father followingseparation and/or divorce PASbecomes a distinct possibility, but itis unlikely beforehand.

So what is overwhelming fear?

It does not include any fear thatis superficial. The typical kinddisplayed by many children whoeither can and/or can't explain theirfear, but don't act in a mannerconsistent with those fears.

Here's an example of consistencythat borders on fanatical: A child whois cowering in the corner, even whenfully protected in a supervised accesscenter with social workers, stillrefuses to try and have a relationshipwith their dad.

Usually children such as thesehave been so poisoned by a motheringratiating the child into their worldview through parentification: The

process where a child is made aconfident of a mother and wheresharing of how dangerous daddy istakes place in asophisticated andsubtle way that is far beyond a child

abilities to understand, appreciateand fend off. (continued on page2)

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At the simplest level, manipulation that is notconstantly sustained lacks depth, because it lacksconsistent reinforcement at every opportunitypossible. I would characterize this as the typical tacticof an overwrought mother not necessarily wantingrevenge, but who is venting inappropriately through

involving their child in their tirades and rants.Malicious Mommy Manipulation Syndrome beginshere and ends when a mother is including hatred andanger with sufficient force to influence a child towardsPAS.

I've used the above framework to discern formyself what level of manipulation and/or actualalienation is taking place. Alienation always reliesupon some form of HUGE lie told to frighten thechild such as: your Dad will kidnap you and you willnever ever see me again. Then when Dad is tired of

you, he will abandon you God knows where. Thensome stranger will find you and kill you.

That would terrify any child. And that is wherereal PAS begins from my perspective. I remember aconference we had for the National Shared ParentingAssociation about 10 years ago where there was ayoung woman, she was about 21 years old, came tospeak with us after we did our opening remarks. Shewas in absolute tears. Her mother had told her thather father was a monster. This lady was in her mid 20sand for most of her childhood into early teenage andearly adulthood, she was told her dad is a monster. I

guess when she went out on her own she mustered upenough courage to try and find him and she did. Herewas the real shocker. He is a wonderful man, whichbasically means she was betrayed by her mother. Wetold her: "You know you are very brave and good foryou that you mustered up the courage to go and findyour dad and you are reconnecting with him."

The biggest challenge she is going to face now islearning how to forgive her mother, if that is even stillpossible. She might not be able to. This is the cost ofwhat happens in divorce. Sometimes children are

forced to make a choice between their parents. Nochild should ever have to do that. It is not appropriateto wage war over your kids but it is appropriate towage peace. The best advice that we can give you is tochoose happiness over perfection. You and your kidswill have a better time for it and likely a better personas a result.

When you face a really difficult situation thatseems as if your kids are manipulated or alienatedremember this formula when describing it to theFamily Court Judge:

Is what you are seeing exhibited in your child:

(a)

Manipulation and/or alienation;(b) Moderate, severe, extreme, fanatical forms of

manipulation;

(c) Moderate, severe, extreme, fanatical forms ofalienation.

And match your evidence closely to what youdescribe. Remember all manipulation and alienation iswrong, but the key to resolving it in Family Court isvigorously exposing it accurately. That's the beginningof any Family Court Game Plan where these are themain issues facing your children.

Finally, be patient. This form of abuse is difficultto detect, and to prove. It takes time. However havinga management system for the diagnosis of theproblem will often lead to its solution.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/law-articles/divorced-dads-tips-the-difference-between-parental-alienation-syndrome-mommy-manipulation-346149.html

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