conscience by follen, eliza lee cabot, 1787-1860
TRANSCRIPT
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Title:Conscience
Author:ElizaLeeFollen
ReleaseDate:May,2003[Etext#4041]
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CONSCIENCE
BY
MRS.FOLLEN
Illustratedwithengravings.
CONSCIENCE.
Theshortwintrydayswerebeginningtolengthen,thesunroseearlierandstaiduplonger.Nowandthenabluebirdwasheardtwitteringawelcometothecomingspring.Asfortherobins,theywereaspertandbusyasusual.Thelittlestreamswerebeginningtofindtheirwayoutoftheiricyprisonslowlyandwithtrembling,asiftheyfearedoldwintermighttakeastepandcatchthem,andpinchthemallupagain.
FrankandHarryweresorrytoseetheirsnowmangrowingsmallerand
smallereveryday;frombeingalarge,portlygentleman,hewasshrunkintoathin,shabby,ugly-lookingfellow.Hisstrongarmswereaboutfallingtotheground;hisfatnosehadentirelydisappeared,andhismouthhadgrownsobigthatyoumightlookdownhisgreatthroat,andseetheplacewhereoneoftheboysusedtogointomakehissnowshiptalk.FrankandHarrylovedalltheirwinteramusements,andwereloathtogiveupskating,sliding,andcoasting,andaboveall,snowballing.Yettheboysenjoyedthelengtheningtwilight---thehourtheirmotherdevotedtothem.
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"Willyoupleasetogivemetwocents,Mother?"saidFrank,oneday.
"Forwhat?"
"Tobuyapieceofchalk."
"Andtwoforme,Mother,"saidHarry,"forIwantapieceaswellasFrank."
"Whatareyoubothgoingtodowithchalk?"askedtheirmother.Theyweresilent.Sheaskedagain,buttheymadenoreply."Icannotgiveyouthemoneytillyoutellmewhatyouwantofthechalk.WhyareyounotwillingthatIshouldknow?"
Theboyscontinuedsilentforashorttime,andthenFranksaid,"Iamafraidthat,ifyouknowwhatwearegoingtodowiththechalk,youwillnotletushavethemoney."
"Then,"repliedtheirmother,"youthinkwhatyouwanttodoiswrong.I,perhaps,oughttoinsistuponyourtellingmewhatyouwantofthechalk.Ilovetogiveyoueveryinnocentpleasure,andwhatisrightforyoutodoIthinkImayknowabout.However,ifyouwillassuremeitisfornothingwrongthatyouwantthechalk,Iwillasknomorequestions,andgiveyouthemoney."
"Wedonotmeantodoanygreatharmwithit,"saidHarry."StillIamafraidyouwillnotquiteliketohaveusdoit,mothersaresomuchmoreparticularthanboys,youknow."
"Tryandseeifwedisagreeaboutthismatter,"saidtheirmother.
"ShallItell?"saidHarrytoFrank.
"Yes,"hereplied."Itisnosuchdreadfulaffair.Let'stellmotherallaboutit.Youknow,shesaidtheotherdaythatsherememberedwhenshewasaboy."
Theyalllaughedatthisoftenquotedblunder,andHarrybegan:"Yousee,Mother,thatyesterdayJohnGreencontrived,whilewewereinschool,andengagedindoingourlessons,tomakeagreatBonFrank'sandmyback,withapieceofchalk.Johnisagoodhandatsuchthings,andhediditsonicely,thatthemasterdidnotseehim,andneitherofussawtheBontheother.Whenwewentouttoplay,alltheboyscriedout,"Bforblockhead,Bforblunderbuss,Bforbooby,"andsoon,eversomanyothernamesbeginningwithB,andkeptpointingatus.Atlast,IsawFrank'smark,andhesawmine.Icantellyouwewerebothangryenough.NowwewanttoberevengedonJohnGreen,andhaveacapitalplan.Youseehewillbeonhisguard,andwemustbeverycunning.To-morrowisexhibitionday,andhewillhaveonhisbestdark-greenjacket,andFrankandI
aretositoneoneachsideofhim.Youseeheisreallyadunceabouteverythingbutplayingtricks;and,whenheisaskedaquestion,hewillbescaredoutofhissenses,andnotknowwhattosay.NowFrankisgoingtopretendtohelphim,whileIwriteDunceinlargelettersonthestupidfellow'sback.JohnwillnotknowwhatIamdoing,Iamsure;and,asheisarealdunce,itwillmakeagoodlaugh;everyonewillthinkheiswellserved,andthewholeschoolwillmakefunofhim."
"So,"saidMrs.Chilton,"youacknowledgethatyouareplanninga
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pieceofrevenge."
"Why,yes,Mother,"repliedFrank;"Isupposeyouwouldthinkitoughttobecalledrevenge,butIdon'tseeanygreatharminit.Schoolboysalwaysplaysuchtricks,andnoboythinkstheworseofanotherforsuchathing."
"Youthink,"saidMrs.Chilton,"thatthisschoolmateofyourswillbesoembarrassedatansweringthequestionsthathewillnotknowwhatheisabout;youmean,oneofyou,topretendtobehisfriendandhelphim,whiletheothermakeshimappearlikeafooltotherestoftheboys."
FrankandHarrylookedalittletroubled,andweresilentawhile.ThenFranksaid,"ItisnomorethanwhatJohnwoulddo;'tiswhathedeserves,anditistrueenoughthatheisadunce."
"Iwilltellyou,Frank,abetterwayofbeingrevenged,"repliedhismother.
"Whatisit,Mother?"
"Sitbyhim,asyouintended,andwhenheistroubledandperplexed,helphimaswellasyoucan,andbeparticularlykindtohim."
"Andsorewardhimformakingfoolsofus,"saidPrank,pettishly."No,Mother,whatyousaymaybeverygood,butIdon'twanttodosuchathingasthat."
"IfyouweretotreathiminthewayIpropose,doyouthinkhewouldevertreatyouunkindlyagain?Wouldhenotfeeldeeplyashamedofhisconductifyouthusreturnedhimgoodforevil?"
Theboysweresilent,butitwasevidentthattheydidnotquiterelishtheirmother'sadvice,norfeelatalldisposedtohelpJohnGreensayhislessons.
"Iwilltellyouastory,"saidMrs.Chilton,ofamanwhoovercameevilwithgood.Agentlemanwasoncetravellingaloneinagigthroughaveryunfrequentedroad.Therewasnohouse,nosignofhumanexistencethere.Itwassostillthatthehillsandrocksanddeepwoodsgavebacktheechoofhishorse'shoofs;thesongofabirdorthechirpingofacricketseemedtofillagreatspace,andfellontheearwithastrangeandalmoststartlingeffect.Hewasobservingorratherfeelingthisextremesolitudeandstillness,whensuddenlyataturnintheroadhecameuponamanwhoplacedhimselfdirectlybeforethehorse'shead.Themanhadadark,badexpressioninhisface,andfixedhiseyeuponthetravellerinsuchawayastoconvincehimthatthemanmeanttostopandrobhim.
Thegentlemanimmediatelydrewuphisreins,andsaidkindly,"Friend,ifyouaregoingmyway,stepintomygig,andletmetakeyouon."
Themanhesitated,andthengotin.Myfriend,whowasaclergyman,beganimmediatelytotalkearnestlyaboutmanyinterestingthings,andkeptupalivelyconversation.Atlast,hementionedtheuncommonlonelinessoftheroad,andobservedthatitwouldbeagoodplaceforarobbery.Hethenwentontospeakofrobbers,andthenofcriminalsingeneral,andofwhathethoughtwastheright
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waytotreatthem.Hesaidthatsocietyshouldtrytoinstructandreformthem;thatputtingthemtodeathwaswicked;that,bypatientloveandkindness,weshouldwinthembacktovirtue,thatweshouldshowthemthewaytopeaceandhonor.Heexpressedhisbelief,thattherewassomethinggoodintheheartoftheveryworstman,andsaidthathebelievedGodhadplacedawitnessofHimselfineveryhumanheart."Iamanon-resistant"--concludedtheclergyman,"andIwouldratherdiethantakethelifeofmybitterestenemy."
Themanlistenedveryattentively.Whentheycametothenextroad,heaskedtobeallowedtogetout,ashesaidhishomelaythatway.Afterbiddingfarewell,headded,"Ithankyoufortakingmein,andforallyouhavesaidtome.Ishallneverforgetit.Youhavesavedmefromacrime.WhenImetyou,Imeanttorobyou.Icouldeasilyhavedoneso;butyourkindwordsputbetterthoughtsintomyheart.IthinkIshallneverhavesuchanevilpurposeagain.IthankGodImetyou.Youhavemademeabetterman."
"Now,"saidMrs.Chilton,"Iwillgiveyou,boys,themoneyyouaskfor,andleaveyoutodoasyouthinkbestaboutJohnGreen."
"But,Mother,"saidHarry,"Iamsurechalkingaboy'sbackisaverydifferentthingfromrobbingaman;andchalkingbackagainisnotlikekeepingapoorfellowinprisonallhislife,orhanging
him."
"Verytrue,Harry,buttheprincipleofovercomingevilwithgoodisthesameforbothcases.Theevilpurposeintherobber'sheartwasovercomebytheloveandkindnessofthemanhemeanttoinjure.Thinkthewholematterover,boys,andletmeknowto-morrowwhatyouhavedone.Ileaveyoufreetodoasyouthinkbest."
Thenextdayafterschool,sheaskedthemwhattheyhaddoneaboutJohnGreen,andwhethertheyhadspenttheirmoneyforchalktowritedunceonhisback.
"Iboughtapieceofchalk,"saidFrank,"forIthoughtImightwant
verymuchtopayhimbackforhistrickuponus,butthepoorfellowlookedsofrightenedthatIdidnotwanttotouchhim."
"Ididnotbuyanychalk,"saidHarry,"forIfeltalmostsurethat,ifIhadapieceinmypocket,Ishouldleavesomemarkonhisback."
"Didyouthendonothingtorevengeyourselves?"askedtheirmother.
"Frankhadsucharevengeasyouwouldapproveof,"saidHarry.
"OneoftheexaminersaskedJohnwhereAthenswas.Thepoorfellowcouldnottell,forheisarealdunce,thoughwedidnotchalkthe
wordonhisback.Well,hewasjustgoingtosaythathedidnotknow,whenFrankwhisperedtheanswerverysoftlyintohisear,andsavedhimfrombeingdisgraced.Ididwant,justthen,towritedunceonJohn'sback;but,onthewhole,Ipitiedhim,and,whenIheardhim,aftertheexamination,thankFrank,andsay,"IamsorryforwhatIdidtheotherday,"Ididfeelthatitwasbettertoovercomeevilwithgood,thoughitcomeshard,Mother,sometimes."
"Verytrue,"saidMrs.Chilton;"todorightisnotalwayseasy.Atfirst,itisperhapsalwayshard,butitgrowseasierandeasier,
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themorewetry;till,atlast,thatwhichwaspainfulbecomespleasant.Somegoodperson,Iforgetwho,said,"WheneverIwanttogetoveradislikeofanyperson,Ialwaystrytofindanopportunitytodohimaservice."Tellme,Frank,ifyoudonotfeelmorekindlytowardsJohnGreen,sinceyoudidhimthatkindness."
"IsupposeIdo,"saidPrank."Myangerisgone,atanyrate."
"Wedon'twantcandlesyet,dowe,Mother,"saidHarry."Thereisthemoonjustovertheoldpinetree,andthereisabrightlittlestarwaitinguponher.Nowisourstorytime.Canyounotmakeupsomethingtotellus?"
"Icannotthinkofanything,"saidMrs.Chilton."IbelieveIspunallthecobwebsoutofmybrainwhenItoldyouabouttheoldgarret."
"Didyounotsaytous,theotherday,Mother,"saidFrank,"that,whenyouwereatuncleJohn'smanyyearsago,beforewewereborn,youwrotedownsomestories?IthinkyoutoldauntSusanthatyoumeant,whenwewereoldenough,toreadthemtous."
"Idid,Frank,andwhenthelightcomes,Iwillreadsomeofthem.Meantime,Iwilltellyouoneortwolittleanecdotes.Iwasdining
yesterdaywithagentlemanwhotoldmethisstory.HewasreturningfromEnglandtoBostoninoneofthefineroyalsteamers.Whennotveryfarfromtheendofthevoyage,heandsomeothergentlemendeterminedtoindulgethemselveswiththepleasureofgivingadinnerasgoodastheyhadeverydaytothesailors.Isupposeyouknowthatinthesesteamersthepassengerspayalargepriceforthepassage,andarefeastedeverydaywithluxuries.Thegentlemanaskedthecaptain'sleavetogivethisdinner,andwishedhimtoorderit;butthecaptainreplied,"Iwillhavenothingtodowithsuchnonsense.Iwillgivestewardorderstodowhateveryoubidhim;andIdon'tcarewhatyoudo,onlyImustnotappearinit."Accordingly,thegentlemangavethestewardorderstoprovidetheverybestdinnerthattheshipcouldafford,tellinghimtoprepare
fourcourses,andaddingthatifthedinnerwasinanyrespectinferiortowhatthecabinpassengershaditwouldnotbepaidfor.Thestewardwasdesiredtokeepitaprofoundsecretwhoorderedthedinner,andnottosayanythingaboutitbeforehand.
Whenthedaycame,thesailorswereastonishedthattheydidnothavetheirdinnerattheusualhour.Presentlyallhandswerecalledondeck.Thiswassuchanunusualthingwhenallwasquietintheship,thattheywerestillmorepuzzled.Thegentlemenmeanttohavethemdineinthecabin;butthecaptainadvisedagainstthisonthegroundthatsailorswouldfeelconfinedinthecabin,andwouldnotenjoythemselves.Sothedinnerwasservedondeck.Whenthesailorswereassembled,andwereorderedtotaketheirplacesatthedinner
beforethem,theyobeyed,lookinggreatlyastonished.Theywerefirsthelpedtosoup--thentomeatsofallsorts--thenpuddings,pies,&c.--thennuts,oranges,raisins,figs,andwine.Atfirst,theystared,asiftheywereinthelandofdreams;butpresentlytheenchantingrealitiesbeforethemwerewelcomedandconsumedwiththegreatestrelish.Theywerewaiteduponinthemostrespectfulmanner.Theirfeasthadnodrawback.Allwasgoodandagreeableaspossible.
Thegentlemansaidhehadbeenatmanygranddinners,buthadnever
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enjoyedonesomuchasthis.
Thesailorstriedtofindouttheirbenefactor,butnoonewouldtellthem.
Atlasttheirsuspicionsfellupontherightman,himwhotoldmethestory.
Theychosetheoldestoftheirnumbertowaituponhiminthenameofthewhole,toexpresstheirthanks."Whentheoldmanapproachedme,"saidthegentlemantome,"hetookoffhishatandwasgoingtospeak,butthetearscameinhiseyes,andhecouldnot.Hewentaway,andpresentlyreturned;butagainhelosthisself-command,andturnedaway.Atlast,herecoveredhimselfenoughtospeak,andthesewerehiswords:"'Tisthefirsttime,sir,thatwewereevertreatedlikemen."
Thecaptain,wholaughedatthewhimofthesegentlemen,saidafterwardsthathehadneverhadsuchworkfromhissailorsashehadfromthattimetotheendofthevoyage.
Iwilltellyouyetanothertruestory.
Therewasapoorgirlwhowasillofaconsumption.Shedidnot
suffermuch,yetwasprettycertainthatsheshouldnevergetwell.Shewasveryhappy,however,forshehadmanybeautifulthoughtstokeephercompanyinthesickroom.
Onedayagoodmancametovisither,andtoldherofaschoolinCanada,toteachcoloredpeoplewhohadbeenslaves,andhadrunawayfromtheirmasters.YouknowthatinCanadaAmericanslavesbecomefreeEnglishsubjects.
Hetoldherthathewastryingtogetmoneytopayteachersinthisschool.
Thepoorgirlwasverymuchinterested,wishedmuchtocontribute
something,andfeltgrievedatherpoverty.Presentlyherfacelightedupwithasadsmile."Ihave,"saidshe,"onethingofvaluewhichIcouldgiveyou,but,"(andshelookedverysad,)"itwouldbehardpartingwithit.Mymothergaveittome."Shewenttoadrawer,andtookoutofitagoldnecklace.Then,asifsheweretalkingtoherself,shesaid,"Howsweetlymymothersmileduponmewhensheputthisaroundmyneck!Icannotwearitnow,myneckissothin,andisalwayscoveredup.Shewouldwishmetogiveitforthispurpose,Iknow.Yes,shewouldlikeIshoulddoit.ButthenIcannotbeartogiveitaway.Itwashers;sheworeitherself.Ishallnotkeepitagreatwhilelonger,atanyrate.IcandesiremyuncletogiveittotheschoolwhenIamgone."Shecoveredherfacewithherhands,butyoucouldseehertearsthroughherthin,
emaciatedfingers.
Herfriend,whohadtoldherabouttheschool,simplytopleaseandinteresther,beggedhernottothinkanymoreofgivingawaythenecklace,andspoketoherofsomethingelse.
"No,"saidshe,"Icannotkeepit,nowthatithascomeintomymindthatIoughttogiveittoyoufortheschool.Youmusttakeit.Forgivemyweakness;thethoughtofmydeardepartedmotherbringsthetearstomyeyes."
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"Thinkagain,then,beforeyougiveawaythispreciousnecklace,"saidthegoodman.
Sheputthenecklaceintohishand,andsaid,asshedidso,"Ihavethoughtofitagain,andIhavedecidedtogiveit."
Hetookit,andleftthegenerous-heartedgirl,prayingthatshemightrecover,butfearingthatheshouldneverseeheragain.
Notlongafterthis,inasteamboat,hemetagentlemanwithwhomhehadmuchconversationuponvarioussubjects;amongotherstheinstitutionfortheinstructionofthepoorrunaways.Hementionedamongotherthingsthispoorgirl'sgift,andhergriefatpartingwithhermother'sgoldnecklace."Ihated,"saidhe,"totakeit.Shewillnotstayherelong,andherpleasuresareveryfew."HementionedalsothenameofthetowninNewHampshirewhereshelived.
"Thatismynativeplace,"saidthegentlemantowhomhewasrelatingthestory."Willyouletmeseethenecklace?"
"Certainly,"saidthemissionary,andhetookitfromhispocket.
"Whatsumofmoneyshallyouobtainforthisnecklace?"
"Ihavehaditweighed,"saidhe,"andIshallgetsomuchmoneyforit,"namingthesum.
"Areyouwillingtosellittomeforthatsum?"
"Certainly;thatisallIcanobtainforit."
Thebargainwasconcluded.Thestrangerpaidthesum.Then,puttingthenecklaceintohisownpocket,hesaid,"Sheshallhaveitforanewyear'sgift."
Nowletus,onthefirstofJanuary,visitthepoorsickgirlagain.Earlyinthemorning,someonehandsheralittleparcel--sheopensit,andthereisherpreciousnecklace,thegiftofherdearmotherintheheavenlyland.Itisaccompaniedbyashortnoteinwhichthewriterbegshernottopartwiththenecklaceagainwhileshelives,buttoconsideritherowntodoasshepleaseswithitatherdeath.
Thestranger,whohadpurchasedthenecklace,andsentitbacktothepoorgirl,knewthetruevalueofriches,andunderstoodandenjoyedtheluxuryofdoinggood,ofmakingthepoorandthesorrowfulrejoice.Hewasthesamemanwhoplannedthedinner."
Aftertea,Mrs.Chiltontookouthermanuscriptbook.
"ThestoryIshallread,"saidshe,"isaverypainfulone,butsadlytrue.Ifitmakesyouveryunhappy,youmusttrytoletitsaveyoufromcommittingthefaultwhichwassoseverelypunished.Alltheessentialfactsaretrue,asIshallreadthemtoyou.
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"ITISONLYATRIFLE."
"Besure,myson,"saidMr.Pratt,ashelefthiscountingroom,inPhiladelphia,"besurethatyousendthatmoneytoMr.Reidto-day;directitcarefully,andseethatallisdoneinproperformandorder."
"Yes,sir,"repliedGeorge,"Iwill."
Georgefullyintendedtoobeyimplicitly.Hewas,inthemain,desiroustodoright;buthehadonegreatfault.Whenhehadasmalldutytoperform,hewasapttosayandthink,"O,thatisonlyatrifle.Whyshouldwelaysomuchstressontrifles?"Hewouldoftensay,whenanyonefoundfaultwithhimfortheneglectofasmallduty,"Iamsureitisonlyatrifle."
George,assoonashehadfinishedsomethinghewasabout,wrotetheletteraccordingtothedirectionsgivenhim,carefullyenclosedthemoneyinit,nicelyfoldedandsealedit.Justashewaspreparingtodirectit,ayoungmanopenedthedoorofthecountingroomingreathaste,andbeggedhimtogowithhimthatmoment,tospeaktosomeonewhowasthenpassing.
"Icandirectandcarrytheletter,"saidGeorge'syoungerbrother;"Iknowtowhomitistogo,andIcansenditjustaswellasyou."
Georgehadaslightfeelinginhisheartthatheoughtnottoleavethislettertoanyonetodirect;buthisbrotheragainsaid,"IshouldthinkIcoulddosuchatriflingthingasthat;Icansurelydirectaletter,thoughIcannotwriteoneyet."
Frankwastheyoungerapprentice,andwasanxioustogetforwardanddowhatGeorgedid.
"Well,"saidGeorge,"youmaydoit,butbesureyoudoitright.JohnReid,youknow,isthename;"andhewentwithhiscompanion.
"Itisonlyatrifle,"hesaidtohimself,asherememberedhisfather'scharge."Ihavedoneallthatisreallyimportant.Itisoflittleconsequencewhodirectsandcarriestheletter."Sohechasedawaytheslightcloudthathungoverhismindasheleftthecountingroomwithhisfriend.
Theseslightcloudsthatriseinthesoul'shorizon,soprophetic,sofullofmercyorofterrorasweregardorslightthem!"Whydowenotlearntheirmeaning?Whyaretheynotevermessengersofloveandpeacetous?HadGeorgestoppedandconsidered,perhapshewouldnothavedoneashedid,perhapshewouldnothavecalledthisdutyatrifle,andwouldnothaveleftthecountingroomtillhehadperformedeverytittleofhisfather'scommand.
Theletterwasdirectedandsent.Frankdidaswellasheknewhow.
WhenGeorgereturned,heasked,"HaveyoudirectedthelettertoMr.JohnReid?"
"Yes,Ihave,andcarriedittotheoffice."
"DidyouenclosethatmoneytoMr.Reid,George?"askedhisfather,whenhenextsawhim.
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"Yes,sir,"Georgereplied,withaslighthesitation,which,however,hesoongotover;"for,"saidhetohimself,"Ienclosedthemoneycarefully;whatdoesitmatterwhetherFrankorIdirectedtheletter?"Sohespokeoutfreelytohisfather.
"Allright,father;theletterisonitswaytoOhio."
Unfortunatelyhisfatherhadnotnoticedhishesitation,wassatisfied,andaskednofurtherquestions.
AgainGeorgecheckedthemonitionsofhisconscience.Againhesaidtohimself,"It'sonlyatrifle."Hehadyettolearnthatnodutyisatrifle.
Weekspassed,andtherewasnoacknowledgmentofthemoney.AtlastaletterarrivedfromMr.ReidtoMr.Pratt,requestinghim,ifconvenient,topaythetwohundreddollarspromisedtohimsomeweeksbefore.
Mr.Reidwasapoorman,towhomtwohundreddollarswasanimportantsum.
Mr.Prattagainquestionedhisson,andwasagainassuredthatthe
moneyhadbeensent,andwrotetoMr.Reidaccordingly,advisinghimtoinquireatthepostoffice.
Therehappenedtobeayoungmanintheoffice,bythenameofHarryBrown,whosemotherwasawidow.Shewaspoor,andastrangerinthetown.Hersonhadobtainedhisplaceonaccountofhisquickintelligence,andbecausehecouldalsowriteaverygoodhand.Strongsuspicionsfelluponhim.Hewasquestionedabouttheletter,andatlastMr.Reidaccusedhimofthetheft.
Theyoungman'sindignationwasuncontrollable;heturnedwhitewithanger;hecouldnotspeak;hestammeredandclenchedhisfists,andatlastburstintotearsandlefttheoffice.
AllthiswastakenfortheagonyofdetectedguiltandneitherthepostmasternorMr.Reidattemptedtostophim,forneitherofthemwishedtohavehimpunished,andtheyhopedtorecoverthemoneybygentlermeans.
Wewillnowchangethescene.Letusenterthissmall,neatcottage.Therearebuttworoomsonthefloor.Oneiskitchenandparlor,theotherabedroom.Asortofladderinonecornerintimatesthatinthesmallatticisalsoasleepingplace.Asmalltableisspreadfortwopeople;itisverycleanandnice,buteverythingthatyouseeindicatespoverty.Anoldwoman,withasweetbutsorrowfulcountenance,sitsbythesmallwindow,lookinganxiouslyoutofit
forsomeonewhoyoumightsupposewastosharehersimplemealwithher,whichstoodnicelycoveredupatthefire,awaitinghisarrival.Sheistalkingtoherself.
"Onetreasureisyetleftmeinthisworld--mynoble,beautiful,braveson.Godblesshim;forhimIamwillingtolive.Therehecomes;howfastheruns!buthowredandheatedhelooks!Whatisthematter,Harry?whathashappened?"sheexclaimed,asheentered;"areyousick?"
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"Yes,Mother,andIshallneverbewellagain.Ihavebeenaccusedofstealing,andMr.Reidandthepostmasterbothbelieveit.Icannotlivehereanylonger.Ihavejustcomefromtherecruitingoffice;IhaveenlistedfortheMexicanwar,andIhopeIshallbeshot;Igothedayafterto-morrow.Iwillneverbeseenhereagain.Tothinkthatanyoneshoulddaretoaccusemeoftheft!WhydidInotknockhimdown?Ihatetheworld,Ihateallmankind,Ihatelife,Iwanttodie.Ifitwerenotforyou,Mother,IbelieveIshouldkillmyself.OMother,Mother!howcanIlive?"Andthepoorfellowlaidhisheadinhismother'slapandweptbitterly.
Thepoormother--shespokenot,shedidnotweep;shelaidherhandsuponherson'shead,andlookedupthroughthethinroofofherpoorcottage,far,farintotheeverlastingheavens,wherealonearepeaceandhopetobefound.InherdeepagonyshecalledupontheAlmightyforaid.Shelookedlikeamarbleimageofdespair.
"Imustpreparetogo,"atlasthersonsaid;"Ihaveenlisted,andImustbeready."Whatwillyoudowithyourself,Mother?"
"Gowithyou,mychild.Whereveryougo,thereIgotoo.Icancookforthecamp.Youhavedonewrong,myson,inenlistingasasoldier;whynotcomefirsttome?Yourinnocencewillyetbeproved.Whywereyousorash?Allmighthaveyetbeenwellwithus."
"Icannotbearit,Mother;Imustgo."
"ThenIgowithyou;Iwillneverdesertyou."
"ButO,youwillbekilledwithfatigueandexposure.Mother,dearMother,staytillIcangetyouanewhome."
"Igo,myson,whereyougo,"saidhismother;"myonlyhomeiswithyou."
Intwodaystheirfewpossessionsweresold,andtheyweregone.
WewillnowreturntothecountingroomwhereourTRUEstorybegan.Somemonthshadpassed;thefatherandsonarethere."George,"saidMr.Pratt,"Icannotbutfearyoumadesomemistakeaboutthatletter.Moneyisseldomstolenoutofletters.Wereyouveryparticularaboutthenameandplaceinyourdirection?"
"Thetruthis,Sir,thatFrankdirectedtheletter;Iwroteandfoldedandsealedit;butjustasIwasgoingtodirectit,HarryFlintcalledmetospeaktosomeone,andIletFrankdirectit;butItoldhimtobesuretodirectittoMr.JohnReid,andIknowhedidso,justaswellasifIhadseenit."
Thefatherlookedmuchdispleased."Youdidwrong,George,aftermy
particularorders."
"Why,Father,Iamsureitwasofnoimportancewhichofusdidit.Thatwasonlyatrifle,Iamsure.ItoldFrankthename,andheknowswhereMr.Reidlives.Ishouldnotthinkyouwouldblamemeforthis--"
"Idoblameyouverymuch.YoushouldnothaveleftthistoFrank.Ichargedyoutobeverycareful.Thiswasyourownduty,andyoushouldhaveperformedityourself.Yourneglectwillmostlikely
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costmetwohundreddollars,forIshallsendthemoneytoMr.Reid;heofcourseisnottoloseit.YoucannotbesurethatFrankdirectedthelettercorrectly;heisnotusedtothework."
Georgebegantofeelthatitwasnotatrifletoleaveanotherpersontodirectaletterofimportance;hefeltverysorryatthethoughtoflosinghisfather'smoney.Poorfellow!hehadaworsepainthanthistoendure.
Thenextmorning,whentheletterscamefromthepostoffice,therewasonefromMr.Reid.Themissingletterhadatlastarrived,andthetwohundreddollarswereinit.Theletterhadbeenmisdirected.Therewasamistakeinthenameoftheplace.TheletterhadbeensenttoWashington,whencehehadjustreceivedit,asthepersonwhoseofficeitistoreadtheselettersknewhimpersonally,andsocouldcorrectthemistake.Hethenrelatedthesadstoryoftheclerkandhispoormother.Headdedthathewenttothepoorwoman'shousetheverydaythatheleftthetown,intendingtosatisfyhisminduponthequestionofherson'sguilt,ofwhichhebegantodoubt--intending,ifhefoundtheyoungmaninnocent,totakehimbackintotheoffice,andifnot,totrytoinducehimtorestorethemoney,andgo,torecoverhischaracter,tosomeotherplace,towhichhewouldhavehelpedhimtoremove.Hewastoolate.Hefoundthehouseempty."Ipitytheperson,"hesaid,"whomisdirectedthat
letter--hewastheunconsciouscauseoftheruinoftwoexcellentbeings.Wemayblametheyoungman'sviolence,andmaycallhimfoolishandpassionate;yetitwasadeephatredofeventheappearanceofsinandshamethatmadehimdosomadanactionastoenlistinawickedwar."
Mr.Prattnowreadthislettertohisson.Georgecoveredhisfacetohidehisshameandsorrow;hisheartwasreadytobreakwithagony.Hegroanedaloud.Hespokenotoneword.
Georgewassufferinginsilencethebitterestofallpainswhichagoodmindcanendure,--thatofbeingthecauseofmiserytoothers,throughone'sownwrong-doing.Afterafewmoments,hestartedup
andexclaimed,"Imustsendwordtothepoorfellowthatthemoneyisfoundandhisinnocenceproved;letmedowhatIcantorepairtheevilIhavecaused.IfIwritetothepostmasterandtellhimthestory,hewilltakethepoorfellowbackagain.Ihavesomemoneyofmyown,Father,topayforthetravellingexpensesoftheboyandhismother.Allperhapsmayyetberight.Icanwork.Iwilldoanythingforthem.PoorHarryBrown--soproudandsohonest!O,Father!Ihatemyself.ButhowshallIsendhimword?thepostisnotcertain;letmethink.BillSmithsaidhewasgoingtothewar,ifhecouldgetmoneyenoughforhisjourney.Hewouldtakemyletter.I'llbeafterhim,andgethimoffinnotime."
AwayflewGeorge;hegaveBillSmiththemoney,toldhimthestory,
andsenthimoffforthatverynight,Georgethenwrotetothepostmaster,andimploredhimtowriteimmediatelytoHarry,andofferhimagaintheplaceintheoffice.Georgewenttobedwithaheavyheart,stillwiththehopethatpoorHarryhadnotbeenkilled.
NowletusfollowHarryandhisoldmothertoMexico.ManyweekshavepassedsinceweleftGeorgemourninghisfault,andsendingupprayersforthelifeofpoorHarry.Itisafewdaysafterabattle.Ontheground,inthecornerofasmalltent,liesapoorsoldier.
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Bandagesstainedwithbloodarelyingabout.Thepoorsuffererisverypale,andhisfaceshowsmarksofpain.Anoldwoman,whosefaceisfullofanxiouslove,sitsbyhissideandholdshishand.Theyoungmanliftstheoldwitheredhandtohislipsandkissesit;helooksupthroughthethincanvasofhistent,andsays,"ThankGod,dearMother,thatyouareherewithmenowtotakecareofme,elseIthinkIshoulddie.Forgivemyrashness;ifIlivewillyetbeagoodsontoyou.Iknewwasnotathief,andthatoughttohavebeenenoughforme.Iwaswrongtobesoangry,andtoforgetyou,whomIoughttohavestaidbyandtakencareof,asIpromisedfatherIwould.Forgiveme,dearMother.PerhapsIshallbeabettermanwithonelegthanIwaswithtwo."
Whilethepoorfellow,whohadlosthislegthefirstdayhewenttobattle,wasslowlyutteringthesewords,thetearswererunningfastdownthehollowcheeksofhisoldmother,butgentle,quiettears,asthoughtheheartofherwhoshedthemwasresignedandpeaceful.
"IthankGodforyourlife,myson.Yourfightingdaysareover;theyhavebeenshort;butusefulnessandhappinessareyetbeforeyou,thoughyougothroughlifemaimed.Ishallyetseeyousmilingandhappyagaininourcottage,yourinnocenceproved,yourplacerestored,andfriendsallaroundyou."
"Howcanthatbe?"saidHarry;"thereisonlymywordandcharacterasevidenceofmyhonesty.Icannotgobacktotheoldplace--never,never,Mother.WhatshallIdo?Betterdiethanlivedisgraced."
"Havenofear,Harry;Ihavenone.Iamsureallwillbewell,andyourhonestyproved.Sogotosleep,asthesurgeondirected.Havefaith;youhaveshowncourage."Hismothersmoothedtheclothesoverhim,andgentlystrokedhishand,andhewassilent,andfellasleep.
Presently,thesurgeonlookedin.Hewasakind-heartedman,andknewtheirstory.Hesaidsoftly,"WhentheboywakesIhavesomenewsforhimthatwilldohimmoregoodthanIcan."
Harry,whowasjustwaking,startedandexclaimed,"Whatnews?tellmethisminute!isthemoneyfound?"
"Come,Mr.Gunpowder,keepquiet,ifyouplease,oryou'llnothearanythingfromme."
"Yes,yes;Iamasquietasalamb,onlybequick.Tellmethenews."
"Well,herearetwolettersthatagreatsixfootchaphasbrought,notforyourlambship,Mr.Harry,butforyourgoodmother,whotakesthingslikearationalbeing."
Hegavetheletterstothemotherandleftthetent,sayingwithasmile,"Don'tbetoohappy."
TheletterfromthepostmasterwastoaskHarry'spardonfortheinjustice,andtooffertheplaceintheoffice."Thereisnoone,"itconcluded,"IcouldtrustasIcanyou."
TheotherwasfromGeorge,asfollows:--
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"DEARMR.BROWN:Myneglectofmydutyindirectingaletterwastherealcauseofthesuspicionthatfelluponyou.Icanneverforgivemyself.Icanhardlyhopeyoucanforgiveme.Ifyouwillbegenerousenoughtotrytodoso,youwillmakemelessunhappy.IfyouacceptthesumIencloseyoutomeettheexpensesofyourjourney,Ishallbelessmiserable.Bytakingityouwillprovethatyoupityandforgiveme,--theunintentionalcauseofsomucheviltoyouandyourexcellentmother."Georgeenclosedacheckforfivehundreddollars,allhehadsavedfromhisearningsasaclerkforthetwoyearspast.
"ThankHeaven,myinnocenceisproved!"saidthehonestfellow."But,Mother,Idon'twantthemoney."
"Itiskindertotakeit,"saidthemother.
Harrysubmitted.Erelong,hewasabletomoveoncrutches.Heandhismotherwereagainintheirlittlecottage.Harryreceivedtheheartiestwelcomefromhistowns-peoplewhenhewasseenagainwithhisoneleginhisplaceinthepost-office.
Georgeoftenwenttothetown.HisfirstvisitwasalwaystoMrs.Brown.Hetreatedherasifshewerehismother,andhersonwastohimasabrother.Hewasoftenheardtosay,"ThesoundofHarry
Brown'scrutchesalwaysremindsmesorrowfullythatwhenthereisadutytoperforminvolvingtherightsofothersweshouldneversay,Itisonlyatrifle."
"Itseemstome,"saidFrank,"thatIshouldneverhavebeenhappyagaintohavecausedsomuchmiserybytheneglectofmyduty;andyet,Mother,itdidseematrifle."
"Mymother,"repliedMrs.Chilton,"saidtome,whenIwasagirl,Neverconsideranyduty,eversogreat,astoodifficult,orany,eversosmall,astootrifling.Ihaveneverforgottenherwords,andthoughIhavenotalwaysbeenfaithfultothislesson,ithasoftensavedmefromwrong-doinganditsconsequentunhappiness."
Afterashortsilence,Mrs.Chiltonsaidtoherboys,Thenextstoryisnotsopainful,butitillustratesthesametruth--that,inmattersofconscience,nothingistrifling.Youshallnowhearhowhappyagoodconsciencecanmakeoneevenundertheseveresttrials.
Onepleasantafternoon,myfriendandIwereseatedintheneatlittleroomwhichservedoldSusanVincentforparlor,kitchen,andbed-room.Shewassittinginanicearm-chairwhichherinfirmitiesmadenecessaryforhercomfort.Akindfriendhadsentittoher.Shehadonanicecleanginghamgown,ahandkerchiefcrossedonherneck,inthefashionoftheShakers,andaplaincap,aswhiteasthedrivensnow,coveredhersilverlocks.Alittleroundtable,
polishedbyfrequentscouring,stoodbesideher;onitwasherknittingwork,Baxter'sSaints'Rest,andtheBible;thelastlayopenbeforeher.Shewasreadinginitwhenweentered.Asherdoorwasopenandshedidnothearveryquickly,wehadanopportunityofobservingherbeforesheperceivedus.Therewasthatdeepinterestinhermannerofreadingthisholybook,asshewasleaningoveritwithherspectacleson,entirelyabsorbed,thatmadeherresembleapersonwhowasexaminingatitledeedtoanestatewhichwastomakehertheheirofuncountedtreasures.Shewasindeedreadingwithherwholesoultheproofsshetherefoundofherclaimtoaninheritance
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thatmakesallearthlyrichesseempoorindeed.
"Iamgladtoseeyou,dear,"washeraffectionatewelcometome;"doIknowthisladywithyou?"
"No,"Ianswered;"sheismyfriendwhomItoldyoutheotherdayIshouldbringtoseeyou."
"Iamgladtoseeherifsheisyourfriend,"shereplied.
"Iwantyou,Susan,ifyouarestrongenoughto-day,torepeattomyfriendthatlittleaccountofyourselfthatyouwereoncekindenoughtogiveme."
"What,thewholestory?"saidSusan,"beginningatthebeginning,asthechildrensay?"
Susanwassilentaminuteortwo,asiftocollectherthoughts,andthensaid,Ihavealwaysbelieved,that,thoughitseemedstrangethatsuchagood-for-nothingcreatureasIamshouldbespared,andotherstakenaway,that,maybe,Iwaslefttogivemytestimonyforsomegoodpurpose,andthatmyexperiencemightdosomegoodtopoorpilgrims.For
"Itisastraightandthornyroad,Andmortalspiritstireandfaint;ButtheyforgetthemightyGodWhofeedsthestrengthofeverysaint."
Susanknewhalfthehymnbookbyheart,andlovedtorepeathymnssowell,thatshecouldhardlyhavetoldherstorywithoutthispreface.Sheimmediatelybeganasfollows:--
"Myfather,whowasasailor,losthislifeatseawhenIwastwoyearsold;mymotherneverhadverygoodhealth,andaboutsixyearsafterwardshefellintoaconsumption.Shelivedonlyayearaftershewastakensick.Iwastooyoungtoremembermuchofher,butI
haveadistinctrecollectionofseeingheroftensittingbyalittlestandlikethis,withanopenBibleuponit;andonceIwasstruckwithherlookinguptoheavenwithherhandsclaspedforalongtimeasifshewerepraying,andthenlookingatme,andthenatthebook;andIsawbigtearsrollingdownhercheeks.Shecalledmetoher,andsaid,withanearnestbutbrokenvoice,Godsavemychildfromtheevilthatisintheworld!andgiveherthetestimonyofagoodconscience.
ThesewordsIcouldnotforget,forthenextdayshedied.Weforgetmanythingsinthisworld,ladies,butthewordsofadyingmotherwecannothelpremembering.ThiswasthefirsttimeIhadeverseendeath,buttherewassuchapeaceful,happyexpressioninmy
mother'sface,thatitdidnotseemveryterribletome,tillIfoundtheyweregoingtocarryheraway;indeed,IthinkImusthavebelieveditwassleep,andexpectedhertoawake;for,whentheytookherfromme,Iwashalfoutofmysenses,andscreamedforthemtoleavememymother.
Akindoldlady,afriendtomymother,tookmeinherlapandputherarmsroundme,andtriedtosootheandcomfortme.Shetoldmemymotherhadgonetoheaven;thatitwasonlyherbodythatwasdead;butthathersoulwasliving,andwasgonetoheaven."She
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willneverbesickorunhappyanymore;sheisgonetoGod,andshewillliveforeverwithJesusChristandallgoodbeings."
"ButIwanttoseeher,"saidI.
"Youwillseeheragain,Idoubtnot,mychild,ifyouaregood,"theoldladysaid.PerhapsIshouldnothaverememberedsoexactlywhatshesaid,ifshehadnotfrequentlyrepeatedthesamethingtome,andifIhadnotlovedmymothersomuch.
Thisexcellentladytookmehomewithher,anditwastohergoodnessIoweeverything.Shehadlostnearlyallherpropertybythefailureofamerchanttowhomshehadlentmoney;shehadsupportedherselfbytakingboarders.Iwasperfectlydestitute;mymotherhadmadeouttogetalivingbytakinginsewing,butleftnothing.Thelastyearofherlifeshecouldnothavegotalongwithoutmyassistance,andwhatwasgivenherbyhercharitableneighbors;andforthelastthreemonthsshecouldnotevenmakeherbed,orcleanherownroom,ordoherlittlecooking,withoutmyhelp.AndO,howhappyIwaswhenIwashelpingmydearmother!Nowatthismoment,whenIamsoold,andforgetsomanythings,howwellIrememberherandallshesaid!ItseemsasifIcouldhearhersay,"WhatshouldIdowithoutyou,mydearSusan."ItseemstomeasifIwouldratherliveoveragainthosedays,whenIwas
tryingtohelpandcomfortmysickmother,thananyofmywholelife.Childrenarenotawarehowmuchtheycandofortheirparents,nordotheyknowwhatablessedremembranceitwillbetothemtothinkthattheyhavelessenedthesufferingsofasickmother.Alltherichesintheworldwouldnotaffordthemsuchhappiness.
Mrs.Brown,thekindladywhotookmehome,toldmethatshewouldsendmetoschool,andthatIshouldhaveahomeatherhouse;butthat,asshewasverypoor,sheshouldexpectmetoexertmyselfwhenIwasnotatschool,anddoallIcouldtohelpinthehouse;andthatImustimprovemytimeatschool.Shegavemeagreatdealofgoodadvice,andtoldmeImustnotimitatethebadconductthatImightsee;andthatImustneverdoanythingwithoutaskingmy
consciencewhetheritwasrighttodoit.IremembersheaskedmeifIknewwhatmyconsciencewas.IwasnotquitesurethatIdid;soIsaid,IdidnotknowwhetherIdid.ThensheaskedmeifIeverremembereddoingwrong.
"Oyes,ma'am,"Isaid;"Inevershallforgetplayingwithmymother'sbottleofcoughdrops,whenshetoldmenotto,andspillingthemallout.Ididnottellherofitatfirst,andshecouldnotgetanymoretillnextday;andeverytimeshecoughed,itseemedasifmyheartwouldbreak;andIhatedmyself,andcouldnotbearitatalltillItoldherIhadplayedwiththebottleandspilledthedrops."
"Itwasyourconscience,Susan,"theoldladysaid,"thatwassotroubled;itwasyourconsciencethatsaidyoumusttellyourmother;thisisGod'switnessinyourheart;alwaysdoasthatdirectsyou,andcomewhatwill,Susan,youcanbearit."
Iwassogratefultomykindfriendforhertendercareofme,thatIattendedtoallshesaidtome,andneverforgotit;andithasbeenthesourceofhappinesstomethroughlife.IhadnotbeenlongintheschoolbeforeIhadatrialofmyconscience,andIthankHimwhoisthegiverofallstrengththatIresistedthisfirst
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temptation.
Onedaytheschoolmistressleftherpenknifeopenuponherdesk,whenshewentoutofherroomduringtherecess;nearlyallthegirlstookitintotheirhandstolookatit,forithadanumberofblades,andwasrathercurious;someofthemtriedtheknifetoseehowsharpitwas.Wehadbeentoldnottomeddlewithherthings,andallofusknewitwaswrong;asIwasoneofthesmallgirls,Ididnotgetachancetolookatittillallhadseenit;but,whentheothersranouttotheplayground,andIwasleftalone,Iwenttothedesk,andtookuptheknife,andopenedandshutalltheblades;butinsteadofleavingtheoneopenwhichIfoundso,Ileftopenanotherblade,justputitontheedgeofmynail,toseehowverysharpitwas,andthenlaiditdown,andranaftertherestofthegirls.
Whentheschoolmistresscamein,sheimmediatelysawthatwehadtakenupherknife."Someone,"saidshe,"hasbeenusingmyknife;Iamsureofit,becausethebladethatIleftopenisshut,andanotherisopen,anditisgapped;whohasdoneit?"Notagirlspoke;IthoughtthatIwastheonlyonewhohadopenedandshuttheblades,butIknewIhadnotgappedeitherofthem.Iknewthatalltheothershadtakenuptheknife;Iwasafraidtospeak;Ididnotliketotakethewholeblame,andIwassilentastheothergirls
were.
Afterwaitingafewminutes,ourteachersaid,"Asnoneofyouchoosetoconfesswhohasdonethis,Ishallhavetopunishtheinnocentwiththeguilty;Ishalltakeawayameritfromallofyou,exceptthosefewgirlswho,Ifeelsure,wouldnotdisobeyme."
Therewereonlyfivegirlsintheschoolwhodidnotloseamerit,andIwasoneofthenumber.Asshenamedthemover,andgaveherreasonsforbelievingtheminnocent,whenshecametome,shesaid,"LittleSusanVincenthasbeensoorderlyandsogoodeversinceshehasbeenhere,thatIamsureitwasnotshethatdidit,and,ifshehad,Iamsureshewouldconfessit."
IfeltasifIwaschoking;Iputmyheadcleardownsothatnoonecouldseemyface;butthegirls,whohadnoneofthemseenmetouchtheknife,thoughtthatmymodestymademeappearsomuchconfused;noonebutGodandmyselfknewthatIhadaguiltyconscience.Ifelttoodreadfullytospeakthen;Ithoughtofnothingelseallschooltime;Imissedinallmylessons,forIdidnotattendtoanythingthatwassaidtome.TheschoolmistressthoughtIwassick,andIwenthomemiserableenough.
AsIwentalong,IthoughtoverallthatMrs.Brownhadsaidtomeaboutconscience,andIunderstoodthenwhatshemeantbythevoiceofGodintheheart.Nooneaccusedme,butIfeltlikeacriminal;
everyonethoughtwellofme;myschoolmistressandcompanionsalllovedme;butIdespisedandhatedmyself.IfeltasifGodwasdispleasedwithme.
Asusual,IwentdirectlytoMrs.Browntoaskwhatshehadformetodo."What'sthematter,Susan?"saidshe;"youdon'tlookright;haveyoubeennaughty,orareyousick,child?"
IcouldnotbeartohaveherspeaksokindlytomewhenIdidnotdeserveit,andIburstintotears;Ilovedherlikeamother,andI
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toldherall.
"Andnow,Susan,whatareyougoingtodo?"
"Iwantyou,ma'am,totelltheschoolmistress."
"Bettertellheryourself,"sheanswered.
Afterthinkingawhile,IsaidthatIwould;andthenmyconsciencewasalittleeasier.Iwentalittlebeforethetime,thatImightseeheralone.WhenIcamein,Ifoundafriendofherswithher,andIheardmymistresswhisper,"Thisismydearlittleorphangirl."Shecalledmetoher,andtookmeupinherlap."Well,honestlittleSue,"saidshe,"whydon'tyoulookupinmyface,asyouknowyoualwaysdo?"
Thiswastoomuchforme;Iburstintotears,andputmyhandsovermyface.
"What'sthematter,Susan?"saidshe.
AssoonasIcouldspeak,Isaid,"Ididopentheknife;IwaswickedwhenyouthoughtIwasgood,forIdidnottellthetruth;Iopenedandshutalltheblades,andIcutanotchonmynailwith
one,andthenIdidnottellyouofitwhenyouaskedwhoopenedit."WhenIhadgotitallout,Ifeltbetter;itseemedasifagreatloadwastakenoffofmyheart.
Inafewminutes,mykindfriendsaidtome,"Iamsorryyoudidwrong,Susan;butIamverygladtoseethatyouhaveatenderconscience,andthatithasmadeyoucomeandconfessyourfaults;Iamverygladthatyouaresosorry;itisabadsignwhenchildrenthinktheyarehappy,aftertheyhavedonewrong.Itrust,mydearSusan,thatyouhavesufferedsomuch,thatyouwillnevercommitsuchafaultagain;itwasonlyfoolishanddisobedienttotakeupmyknife,butitwasverywrongnottotellme,whenIaskedwhodidit,andletmepunishsomanygirlsforyouroffence."
IsawthatshethoughtIwastheonlyonethathadtouchedtheknife,andbelievedmeworsethanIwas;andthenIfeltwhatadifferencetherewasbetweenagoodandanevilconscience;foritdidnottroublemehalfsomuchthatshethoughtmeworsethanIreallywas,astoseethatshethoughtmebetter.
Thenshesaid,"Youmust,Susan,confessbeforethewholeschoolthatitwasyouthattookmyknife."
Whileshewasspeaking,thegirlscamein.IhadcriedsomuchthatIcouldhardlyspeak;andmygoodfriendsaidthat,asIwasalittlegirl,shewouldspeakforme.
AssoonasshesaidthatIhadconfessedthatitwasIthattooktheknife,almosteverygirlintheschoolcriedout,"ItwasnotlittleSusan,itwasI!""ItwasnotSue,itwasI!"washeardallroundtheroom.Thismademefeelboldenoughtospeak,andIsaid,
"Yes,Ididtakeitupwhenyouwerealloutontheplayground;Iopenedandshutalltheblades,andcutalittlenotchonmynail."
"AndsodidI!""AndsodidI!"washeardfromanumberofvoices.
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"Andwetookitupfirst,"saidallthegirls.
Whentherewassilence,theschoolmistresstoldusthatshewasgladtoseethat,thoughwehaddonewronginthemorning,weweretryingnowtodoright,andrepairourfault;thatalthoughwehadnotobeyedconsciencethen,wewereactingasitdirectedusnow.
"Andareyounotallhappier?"saidshe."Yes,"theyallsaid."AndisnotGodgood,toputthisfeelinginyourhearts,thatmakesyouunhappywhenyoudowrong,andhappywhenyoudoright?Followthisguide,children,anditwillleadyoutoheaven."
Itmayseemstrangethatachild,hardlynineyearsold,shouldrememberallthatwassaidatsuchatime;butIsufferedagreatdealbeforeIconfessedmyfault,forIwasalittleproudofmygoodcharacteratschool,andmysufferingmademeremember.Besides,Mrs.Brownoftentalkedaboutconsciencetome,andtoldmethatImustlearntogovernmyself,forthatwhenshedied,Ishouldhavenothingbutmycharactertodependupon;noguidebutmyBibleandmyconscience,andnoprotectorbutGod.
WhenIwasaboutfifteenyearsold,Mrs.Brown,mykindfriend,died,gosweetlyandcalmlythatdeathinherseemedbeautiful.Isatbyherside,afterIhadclosedhereyes,andlookedinherdear
face,tillevenmygriefatlosingherwasquieted,andtillIfeltwhatwelearninthegoodbook,thatthegoodneverdie.IfeltsurethathersoulwaswithGod.
Afterthefuneral,Iwentouttoinquireforaplace,andsoonfoundone,foreveryoneknewMrs.Brown'sregardforme.
Imetwithagreattroubleatmyfirstplace;Iwasthechambermaid,andthenurserymaidwasenviousofme,becausemymistresslikedmebetterthanher.SheoftenaccusedmeoffaultsIdidnotcommit;but,whenmymistressspoketome,Ilookedandwassoinnocentthatshewasconvinced.
Onemorningmymistresssentforme;assoonasIsawherfaceIknewthatsomethingverybadwasthematter,forthetearscameintohereyeswhenshespoketome.Shetoldmethatshewasverysorry,butthatshecouldnotkeepmeanylonger;shewasgrievedtoloseme,butmoreforthecause.
Iaskedhertotellmethecause.
"Iamafraid,"shesaid,"indeed,Susan,Ihaveagoodreasontobelieve,thatyouarenothonest."
Idoconfess,ladies,thatIwasveryangry;itseemedasifallthebloodinmybodyflewupintomyfaceandhead;Icouldnotspeak,
andIdon'tknowbutmyconfusionandangertogethermademelookguilty.
"Iamglad,"saidshe,"thatyoudon'ttellanyfalsehoodaboutit;youarewelcometostayheretillyougetaplace."
BythistimeIcouldspeak,andIsaidtoher,"Iamasinnocentasthechildjustborn.Inevertooksomuchasapinfromanyone;Idonotwishtostayaminuteinyourhouse;Iwouldnotstayinanyone'shousewhohadaccusedmeofdishonesty;"andIcalleduponmy
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motherandmyfriendMrs.Brown,thoughIknewtheycouldnotanswerme,andIcriedaloudlikeachild.
Mymistressshedtears,andsaidsheshouldnothaveaccusedmewithoutcertainproofsofmydishonesty,andbeggedmetoconfessmyfault,andtostaytillIgotaplace;butItoldherIwouldnotstayanotherminute,andIwenttomychamberandtiedupmybundle,andputonmybonnetandshawl,andwalkedstraightoffwithoutspeakingtoanyone.
IhadgonenearlyamilebeforeIwasatallcalmed,andthen,outofbreath,andmiserablebeyondwordstotell,Isatdownunderanoldtreebytheroadside.Itwasautumn;thetreewasstrippedofitsleaves,thewindsoundedmournfullyamongthedeadbranches,therewereheavydarkcloudsinthesky,andmyheartwasheavieranddarkerthantheclouds,andmysighsweresadderthanthewind.
TheplacewhereIhadbeenlivingwastwomilesfromthevillagewhereIhadlivedwithMrs.Brown,andIhadtakentheroadtoit,thoughthenshewasnottheretotakemein;Ihadnorelationinthewideworld;O,Inevershallforgetthatdrearymoment,andhowdesolateIfelt.Ilookedupintothesky,andcalleduponGod,theFatherofthefatherless;Icriedtohimforhelp,andhelpcametome,forIfeltstrongerandIgrewcomposed;andthenIrememberedI
wasinnocent,andjustthenthesunbrokeoutbetweentwodarkclouds,anditlookedtomelikethepurebrighteyeofGod,lookingrightintomyheart,andseeingmyinnocence;andthenitseemedasifmysoulwasfulloflight,andIwentonmywaytothevillage,feelingasifIhadnodreadfulsorrow.
WhenIgotintothevillage,Irememberedmyoldschoolmistress,andIknewthat,thoughshewaspoorherself,shewouldshareherbedwithmeforanightatleast,andIrememberedthatscripture,"Benotanxiousforthemorrow."
ItwasduskwhenIknockedatherdoor;andO,youknownot,whohaveneverbeenwithoutahappyhome,howcheeringtomyheartwas
thesoundofherkindvoice,saying,"Walkin."Shewasnotveryquicksighted,andatfirstshetookmeforastranger,tillIsaid,"ItisI,MissHowe;doyounotknowme?"Sheturnedmetowardsthelightthatwasstillleftinthewest,andinasecondexclaimed,"Why,itislittleSue,myorphangirl!"Thiswastoomuchforme.Sheputherarmsroundme,andIcriedagainlikeachild;buttheywerenotsuchbittertearsasIhadshedbefore.
"Whatbroughtyouhereatthistime?"saidshe,"andwhatisthematter?Butcometakesomesupperfirst,andtellmeafterwards;youlookverytired."Shetookoffmybonnet,andmademesitdownbythefire,andfinishedgettingherteareadywhichshewaspreparingwhenIcamein,andmademedrinkacupofitbeforesheasked
anotherquestion,andthenshesaid,"Now,Susan,tellmewhatisthematter;somethinghashappened,Iknow."ThenItoldherallthatIknewmyself,forwhymymistresshadtreatedmesoIcouldnottell.
WhenIhadfinished,shesaid,"Now,Susan,youwillfindtheadvantageofagoodcharacter;ifIdidnotbelievethatyouwouldstarvesoonerthanstealortellafalsehood,Ishouldbeafraidaboutyounow;butasitis,Idonotfeeluneasy,forIbelievethatinnocencealwaysprevails.IwilldothebestIcanforyou;I
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shallneverforgetthepenknife;so,mychild,donotcryanymore,andletustalkofotherthings;youshallhavehalfofmybedandwhateverIhave,tillyoucangetaplacetosuityou;so,dear,donotbedowncast."
O,youngladies,youmustknowwhatitistobealoneintheworld,andtobeaccusedwrongfully,tobeabletoknowtheblessingofkindness,oftrueChristiancharity;itseemedasifavoicehadsaidtomytroubledheart,"Peace,bestill."
Directlyafterbreakfastthenextmorning,MissHoweleftme;shesaidshewasgoingtotakeashortwalkbeforeschoolbegan,andshouldsoonreturn.Shelookedmuchpleasedwhenshecameback."Ithink,"saidshe,"Ihavegotagoodplaceforyou.Itisattheminister's;Iheardtheywantedsomeone;Iwentandtoldthemallaboutyou,andtheybelieveyouareinnocent.Mr.A--saysheremembersyouinMrs.Brown'ssickchamber,buthiswifethinksitpropertogoandseetheladyyouhavebeenlivingwith,andhewillcomeandseeyouthisevening."
Atfirstthismademefeelverybadly;myprideandmyangerbegantorise,butafterawhileIconqueredthem.Irememberedthatnoonecouldtakeawaymygoodconscience,andIcouldnotthinkthatIshouldbeforsaken.
Ipassedthedayverycomfortably,andevencheerfully;IsometimesforgotthatIhadanytrouble.Justaftertea,theministercamein;heshookhandsverykindlywithme,buthelookedveryserious,andfixedhiseyerightinmyface.
O,ifIhadnothadagoodconsciencethen,howcouldIhavebornethatlook!butitseemedtomeasifIcouldfeelmysoulcomingupintomyface,totellitsowninnocence;Iamsuremylooksmusthavesaid,Iamnotafraid,forIhavedonenowrong.
Heseemedmoresatisfied,buthetoldmethathehadbeentoMrs.--,whereIhadlived,andshehadtoldhimthattheevidencewasso
greatofmydishonestythatshecouldnotdoubtit.Shewasonlysorryforme.
"Wehavedetermined,"saidhe,"totryyou;Icannotbuthopethatyouarewhatyouseem,innocent;buttimewillshow."
Ihadfeltsoproudofmycharacter,thattheideaofgoingupontrialwashardformetobear,andIjustansweredthatIwouldgo;IwasnotasgratefulasperhapsIoughttohavebeen,foritwasverygoodinhimtobelievemeinnocent,inspiteofallthatwastoldhimagainstme,andIoughttohavethankedhimforhiscompassionuponsuchaforlorncreatureasIwasthen.
Manyyearsafter,IfoundoutwhatIhadbeenaccusedof,andIhadthesatisfactionofhavingmyinnocenceacknowledged.ThemorningofthedaywhenIleftmymistress,shehadreceivedsomemoneyingold.Shehadcountedallthepiecesoververycarefully,andwasaboutputtingthemaway,whenshewascalledsuddenlyoutoftheroomtoseeafriendatthedooruponimportantbusiness.Itwascold,andshecalledme,andsentmeintotheroomforhershawl,whereIneverevensawthegold.
Herbrother,whohadcomewithherfriend,ranintotheroomtowarm
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himselfwhiletheyweretalking;hesawthegold,and,toteasehissister,putoneoftheeaglesintohispocketmeaningtoreturnitthesameday.
Hewasinamerchant'scountinghouse,andthatverydaywassentoutoftownuponimportantbusiness,atonlyaminute'swarning.Hewasacarelessfellow,andforgothisjest,anddidnotlearntilllongafterwardsitssadconsequences.
Mymistress,whoknewthatnoonehadenteredtheroombutherbrotherandI,andwascertainofheraccuracyincountingthemoney,wasconvincedthatIwasathief.Shehadbelievedsomeill-naturedthingstheotherservant,whodislikedme,hadsaidagainstme,andhadbecomereadytothinkillofme.When,longafter,thisladyfoundoutherinjustice,shetookpainstodeclaremyinnocenceandtoaskmyforgiveness.Butladiesshouldbecarefulnottoaccusepoorgirlswrongfully,andnottoleavemoneyabout.Terribleruinmayfollowsuchcarelessness.
AfterIhadlivedfiveyearsattheminister's,Imarriedacarpenter,agoodman,whommyfriendsallliked;and,thoughIwasalmostbrokenheartedatleavingmyhappyhome,Iwaswillingtogiveupallforhim.
Andthennewtroublesandtrialsbegan.Myhusbandwasnotverysuccessfulatfirst,butItookinsewing,andwegotalong;welovedeachother,andwereveryhappy.Butaboutayearandahalfafterourmarriage,hehadafallfromahouse,andinjuredhisspine,andafterasicknessofthreemonthshedied.
Atthetimehewasbroughthomesodreadfullyhurt,Ihadaninfantsixweeksold;Iwasnotverystrong,andnursingmyhusband,andthecareofmyinfant,andmydistressathisdeath,alltogether,weretoomuchforme;Ihadasevereillness.Thedoctor,whowasaverykindman,tookcareofmeandsentmeanurse,whotendedmethroughtheworstofmyillness,anddidnotleavemetillIwasabletocrawlabout,andhelpmyselfandtakecareofmypoorbaby,
whohadbeensadlyneglected;forIwassosickthatIrequiredallthenurse'sattention;andnowcamemyhardesttrial.
OnenightinDecember,aboutthreemonthsaftermyhusband'sdeath,Iwassittingovermylittlefirelateintheevening,readingmyBible,inhopesthatthosewordsofcomfortmightquietmygrief,whenIwasstartledbyaknockatthedoor,andmylandlordentered.Helivedintheotherpartofthehouseinwhichherentedmeoneroom;Ineverlikedthisman,andatfirstIfeltfrightened,butinaminuteIgotoverit.
"Iwanttherent,"hesaid.
"Butyouknow,"Isaid,"allmytroubles,andthatmypoorhusbandleftnothing,thatIhavebeensick,andthatIhavenomoney;Ishallsoonbeabletoearnenoughtopayyou,ifyouwillonlytakepityonmeandwaittillIcan."
"Well,"saidhe,"onegoodturndeservesanother;perhapsI'llaccommodateyouifyouwilldosomethingforme."
"IfitisanythingIcando,"Isaid,"Ishouldbegladtodoit,andverythankfultoyouforyourkindnessinwaitingfortherent."
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Hewentintotheotherroomandbroughtinalargebundleoflacesandsilksandothervaluablegoods."Iwantyou,"saidhe,"toopenyourfeatherbedandputallthesethingsintoit;theyarerightlymine,butIhavemyreasonsforwishingtohidethem;somegoodshavebeenstolen,andtheconstablesareafterthem,andiftheyweretoseethesetheymightseizetheminsteadofthosetheyaresearchingfor,anditwouldmakeagreatbother."
Ihadnodoubttheywerestolengoods,andIsaidimmediatelythatIwouldnotdowhathewishedmeto,butascivillyasIcould.
"Iwill,"saidhe,"giveyouoneofthepiecesofcambricforyourtrouble,andIwillneveraskyouforthislastquarter'srent;itwillbeagreatfavortome,fortheyknowthatyouaresick,andyouhavethecreditofbeingveryhonest,andthethingswouldnotbetouchedinyourbed,andagreatdealoftroublewouldbesaved."
"Iwill,"saidI,"keepthecreditofbeinghonest;Icanhavenothingtodowithanyofthesethings;yourconsciencecanbesttellwhethertheyarehonestlycomeby."
"Doyoudare,"saidhe,"tosayIstolethem?"insuchaloudvoiceastowakeupmypoorbabyandtomakemestart.
"Isaynothing,"Ianswered,"butthatitisagainstmyconsciencetodowhatyouaskedmetodo."
Heflewintoapassion,andsaid,"Conscienceornoconscience,youdoasIaskyouto,oroutofmyhouseyougothisverynight."
"Notto-night,"Isaid.
"Yes,to-night,"heanswered."DoasItellyou,andyouhavenorenttopay,andthispieceofcambricisyours,andIamyourfriend;butrefuseme,andoutofthehouseyougothisverynight;Ihavewarnedyoulongenoughtopaytherent."
ItoldhimthatIcouldnotdowhatwasagainstmyconscienceforallthegoodsofthisworld,andthatifhewassocruelastoturnmeoutofdoors,Godwouldprotectmeandmychild."But,"saidI,"areyounotafraidtodosuchawickedthing,itissodarkandstormy,andmypoorbaby"--andatthethoughtthatithadnofathertoprotectit,Iburstintotears,andcouldnotspeak.
Hewassilent,andseemedtofeelsomepity.Presentlyhesaid,"Well,youmaystaytilldaylight,butthenyoumusteitherhidethesethingsforme,oryoumustmarch.AndIsupposeitwillnotworryyourstomachtoletthesethingsstayheretillthen."Soheputthegoodsonachair,andlaidmycloakandbonnetuponthem.
Assoonashewasgone,andhisdoorshut,Itookthethingsandputthemalljustoutsideofthedoor.Iwastoomuchtroubledandfrightenedtogotobed.Atbreakofdayhewasinmyroomagain."WillyoudoasIdesire,"saidhe,"orwillyouclearout?I'llmakeyoupayforputtingthesethingsonthedirtyfloor."Hestoppedaminute."Come,now,hidethesethings,andwearefriends,andnotroubleaboutyourrent,andall'sright,youknow."
IthankheaventhatIneverhesitated;itdidnotseemapossible
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enoughtohishouse,andgotmethislittleroomintheneighborhood,whereIhavetakeninsewingwork,andhaveeversincegotaverygoodliving.
WhenIinquiredaboutmylandlord,Ifoundthattheofficerscamethatmorning,foundthestolengoods,andcarriedhimtoprison.Myfriendwenttoseehim,andtoldhimfrommethatassoonasIcouldearnthemoney,IwouldpayhimwhatIowedhim.ThisIdidwiththeveryfirstmoneyIreceived.Iwenttoseehim,andtooktherenttohimmyself.Hedidnotknowme,thestoophadchangedmesomuch.
Certainly,ladies,sheadded,Ihavemetwithwhatarecalledgreatmisfortunes;IhavelostallthatIlovedbestonearth,andIamacrippleforlife;butIstillrejoicetothinkthatmymother'sprayerhasbeenheardforme;throughtheblessingofGodIhavebeensavedfromtheevilthatthereisintheworld,forIhaveeverhadthetestimonyofagoodconscience.
Thesunwassettingbeforetheoldladyhadfinishedherstory;itsslantingbeamsstreamedinthroughthenarrowwindow,andfellonthegraylocksthatwerepartedneatlyonherforehead,andonherbright,calm,upliftedeye,andgaveaglowofyouthfulenthusiasmandcelestialbrightnesstoherface.
EndofTheProjectGutenbergEtextofConscience,byElizaLeeFollen