conscious discipline by becky bailey parent study club month #4: choices fall - spring 2010-2011...

CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINEBy Becky Bailey

Parent Study Club Month #4: Choices

Fall - Spring 2010-2011

Presented By

Chapter #3 ReviewASSERTIVENESS

How are you doing? Are you…• Focusing on what you WANT?

• Pivoting when you are upset

• Breathing deeply and affirm the principle

• Are you being Assertive? Saying what you want/need and keeping your power?

• Teaching your child HOW to be Assertive?

#4 SKILL:Choices

Building Self-Esteem and Willpower

• Power: Power of FREE WILLThe only person you can make change is yourself!

#4 SKILL:Choices



• Value: Empowerment

#4 SKILL:Choices




• Purpose: Empowers children while setting limits.

#4 SKILL:Choices




• Purpose: Empowers children while setting limits.

• Brain Smart Tips: Choice changes brain chemistry so that learning is optimized

#4 SKILL:Choices




• Purpose: Empowers children while you set limits.

• Brain Smart Tips: Choice changes brain chemistry So that learning is optimized

• Emotional Development: Builds self-esteem & willpower; Impulse Control – reduces

impulsivity

#4 SKILL:Choices


4 Principles:

1. The only person you can make change is yourself.

#4 SKILL:Choices


4 Principles:

1. The only person you can make change is yourself.2. Giving your power away sets you up to blame.

#4 SKILL:Choices


4 Principles:

1. The only person you can make change is yourself.2. Giving your power away sets you up to blame.3. Ask yourself:

“How do I help my child more likely choose to ______,” rather than, “How can I get my child to _______.”

SKILL #1: 5-Steps in delivering 2 positive choices.

#4 SKILL:Choices


4 Principles:

1. The only person you can make change is yourself.2. Giving your power away sets you up to blame.3. Ask yourself,

“How do I help my child more likely choose to ______,”

rather than “How can I get my child to _______.”SKILL #1: 5-Steps in delivering 2 positive choices.

4. Making choices builds willpower and self-esteem.SKILL #2: Think AloudSKILL #3: The parroting technique

#4 SKILL:Choices


Practice your NEW mottoThe only person I can make change…..(exhale) is me.

ELEVATOR ROAD RAGE

SPOUSE?THROWING STICKS EXAMPLE

PRINCIPLE #1

Becky says this the principle that is most challenging to her.

If you believe that others can make you act or feel a certain way,

then it is reasonable to assume that you can make others act in a certain way.

BOTH BELIEFS ARE FALSE!!!!

PRINCIPLE #1

STILL, these beliefs are widely held,

causing great trouble in relationships and profoundly shaping

how we handle discipline situations.

PRINCIPLE #1

Practice the Power of Free Will by consciously becoming aware of

how often you think others are making you do or feel things.

Move from operating in a victim position into operating in an empowered state!

Let’s Practice your NEW mottoThe only person I can make change…..(exhale) is me.

I will TAKE CHARGE OF ME!

PRINCIPLE #1

THE BLAME GAME

Giving your power away to children/anyone means you have

put them in charge of your behavior.

PRINCIPLE #2

Giving your power awayto children or anyonesets them up to be

“pleasers” or “controllers.”

It also sets you up to BLAME!

PRINCIPLE #2

Pleasers: Don’t want to abuse their reign as King.

Controllers: Will take the power and run with it!

Again setting you up to BLAME!

PRINCIPLE #2

What happens when your child fails after you’ve given them the power?

Feelings of inadequacyLOW Self-Esteem

Again setting you up to BLAME!

PRINCIPLE #2

Which of these statements isEMPOWERING?

• I have to balance my checkbook today.• Don’t make me have to speak to you again.• Let me finish reading the story and I will help

you, OK?• You should sit in your car seat honey.• You are making us late to pick up daddy,

please put on your coat.• When you are quiet I will begin…• Look at how you made your sister sad.• I should get the dinner started.• You make me so angry when you do that!

NONE!Ineffective Communication

Underline words that give power away p.137




RECLAIM YOUR POWERModel Empowerment vs. Entitlement

ACTIVITY: Let’s rewrite from entitlement to empowerment




Remember the Passive teacher from Chapter 3?

• “Don’t make me call your mother.”

• You have given your power to the child.

• How about offering this CHOICE instead?“You can tap your sticks or roll your sticks on the floor – what will you choose? I see you chose to tap your sticks.” (parrot if needed)

PRINCIPLE #3

CHOICES

PRINCIPLE #3

“How do I help the child my child be more likely to choose to ______?”

Rather than

“How can I get my child to ______?”

REFRAMING BLAMEp.139

1. ________ (Name) made me do it!

Response:

Is ____ the boss of you? NO!

What could you do differently if you were the boss of you?

REFRAMING BLAME

2. ________ (Name) made me do it!

Response:

Is ____ the boss of you? YES!

How sad! That must be hard for you with ______ bossing you all the time?

“How do I help the child my child be more likely to choose to ______?”

Rather than

“How can I get my child to ______?”

PRINCIPLE #3Now we are ready to offer 2 positive choices

CHOICES FOR CHILDREN

• For children to begin making good choices the fear of punishment must be minimal

• Focus should be on solutions• Give two POSITIVE choices so they feel

empowered. NOTE: We often give ONE positive and one negative, which is NOT a choice but a manipulation!(Developmental Opposition)

5 Step Processfor Giving Choices

1. Breathe deeplyThink about what you want the child TO do!


1. Breathe deeply2. Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT

tone!-Your attitude will lighten up the situation.



tone!3. State the two POSITIVE choices

-Not to be confused with “do it” & “or else?”-Either 2 positive options or 2 options that are both acceptable to you.



tone!3. State the two POSITIVE choices4. Ask for a commitment

–“What is your choice?”

What happens if you think “WHAT IF?” This fear yields resistance



tone!3. State the two POSITIVE choices4. Ask for a commitment

– i.e. “What is your choice?”5. Notice the choice and state with love

“You chose…”

Activity to Give2 Positive Choices

Provide 2 Positive Choices for these 3 scenarios

SCENE: Playing with Food p.143

SCENE: Listening

SCENE: Finishing work

Activity to Give2 Positive Choices

Provide 2 Positive Choices for these 3 scenarios

HOW DID YOU DO?Discussion

P. 156

PRINCIPLE #4

Making ChoicesBuilds Willpower

AndSelf-Esteem

PRINCIPLE #4

A person’s ability to make choices and commit to those choices is a measure of self-esteem.

Think about that statement for a moment . . .

PRINCIPLE #4

A person’s ability to make choices and commit to those choices is a measure of self-esteem.

Think about that statement for a moment . . .

To really make a choice, you must make a decision and

accept the consequences of that decision!

PRINCIPLE #4p.144

It is IMPOSSIBLE to make your own choicesand simultaneously try to please others.

Women – BEWAREWomen are socialized to please others!

Becky’s “lunch location” conversation example

PRINCIPLE #4

As a PARENT

You cannot set limits and take care of your child’s feelings at the same time.

PRINCIPLE #4

Children who have trouble making choices are:

1.Those who refuse to make a choicea) Point out to the child the many choices they are always making (Examples)

b) Offer the child small choices that involve closeness with you. (Ease child toward independence, but still create autonomy)

c) Model acceptance of mistakes, theirs and ours. SKILL #2

PRINCIPLE #4

THINK ALOUD SKILLRead Page 146 Bottom

Shows children how to handle mistakes while helping to eliminate the behavior for the future.

PRINCIPLE #4


1.Those who Refuse to make a choice2.Those who Resist the Structure (Give A or B – they pick C)

Power Struggle: Developmental or Learned Opposition?

PRINCIPLE #4

Power Struggle Developmental Opposition

Researchers call this natural process “individuation separation”

PRINCIPLE #4

To Help with Developmental Opposition

1.Resist Power Struggle2.Stay with what you WANT3.Use the Parroting Technique

- Becky’s “Block Example” p. 148- CD’s entitled “Preventing Power Struggles”

4.

PRINCIPLE #4

THE PARROTING TECHNIQUE p. 148

- Let’s Practice: How Many Times?- CD’s entitled:

“Preventing Power Struggles”

PRINCIPLE #4

To Help with Developmental Opposition

1.Resist Power Struggle2.Stay with what you WANT3.Use the Parroting Technique

- Becky’s “Block Example” p. 148- CD’s entitled “Preventing Power Struggles”

4. Recognize WILLPOWER if your child chooses to cooperate with you.

PRINCIPLE #4Power Struggle

Learned Opposition

This type of child has learned resistance as a way to get needs met. Children learn resistance in three basic ways.1. Parenting not meeting needs

2. Permissive Parenting (Dance Around or Cave-in)3. Family Troubles

Read P. 150 for more . . .

PRINCIPLE #4


1. Those who refuse to make a choice2. Those who resist the structure (Give A or B – they pick C)

3.Those who change their minds (They Pick A, then switch to B, then back)Frequent (chronic): “Attention – Hurry up world”

or Infrequent: “Stress” Regress Developmentally

PRINCIPLE #4


1. Those who refuse to make a choice2. Those who resist the structure (Give A or B – they pick C)3. Those who change their minds (They Pick A, then switch to B, then back)

4.Those who developmentally do not understand what a choice is? P. 145-152

• Focus on EMPOWERMENT vs. Entitlement• Change should to could then make a choice!• Catch yourself thinking:

“How can I get Johnny to...” and STOP• Follow 5-steps to Provide Choices• Use “Parroting” instead of “Power Struggles”• “Think Aloud” to teach your child how to

handle mistakes.

SKILL #4 SUMMARYCHOICES

No time like the present

conscious discipline by becky bailey parent study club month #4: choices fall - spring 2010-2011...

Documents

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