copyright © 2005 by john c. maxwell...by john c. maxwell in the spring of 2004, soon after turning...

Copyright©2005byJohnC.Maxwell

Allrightsreserved.Noportionofthisbookmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans—electronic,mechanical,photocopy,recording,scanning,orother—exceptforbriefquotationsincriticalreviewsorarticles,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.

PublishedinNashville,Tennessee,byThomasNelson,Inc.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARDBIBLE®,©CopyrightTheLockmanFoundation1960,1962,1963,1968,1971,1972,1973,1975,1977.Usedbypermission.

NelsonBookstitlesmaybepurchasedinbulkforeducational,business,fund-raising,orsalespromotionaluse.Forinformation,[email protected].

PublishedinassociationwithYates&Yates,LLP,AttorneysandCounselors,Orange,California.

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData

Maxwell,JohnC.,1947-25waystowinwithpeople:howtomakeothersfeellikeamillionbucks/JohnC.MaxwellandLesParrott.p.cm.Includesbibliographicalreferences.ISBN0-7852-6094-3(hardcover)ISBN0-7852-7954-7(international)

1. Interpersonal relations—Religiousaspects—Christianity.2. Interpersonalcommunication—Religiousaspects—Christianity.3.Interpersonalrelations.4.Interpersonalcommunication.I.Title:Twenty-fivewaystowinwithpeople.II.Parrott,Les.III.Title.BV4597.52.M3932005158.2—dc22

2005000103PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica

0506070809RRD11109876543

ToTomMullins,

YouarelikethePiedPiper.Whenyouwalkintoaroom,peopleinstantlywanttofollowyou.MorethananyoneIknow,youembodythe25waystowinwithpeople.Youmakeeveryonearoundyoufeellikeamillionbucks—

includingme!

—JOHNC.MAXWELL

ToMikeIngramandMontyOrtman,

Fewpeoplebuildabetterbusinessteam,winmorerespect,andachievebiggerresultsthanyoutwo.Youbothhaveawinsomewayofrelatingtoeveryoneyoumeet.Yourgenerousspiritsandyourinvestmentinpeoplewillpaydividendsfordecades.I'mabetterpersonforhavingknownyou

both.

—LESPARROTT

CONTENTS

Acknowledgment

“Life’sGreatestJoy,”byJohnC.Maxwell

“BetterforHavingKnownYou,”byLesParrott

1.StartwithYourself

2.Practicethe30-SecondRule

3.LetPeopleKnowYouNeedThem

4.CreateaMemoryandVisitItOften

5.ComplimentPeopleinFrontofOtherPeople

6.GiveOthersaReputationtoUphold

7.SaytheRightWordsattheRightTime

8.EncouragetheDreamsofOthers

9.PasstheCreditontoOthers

10.OfferYourVeryBest

11.ShareaSecretwithSomeone

12.MinetheGoldofGoodIntentions

13.KeepYourEyesofftheMirror

14.DoforOthersWhatTheyCan’tDoforThemselves

15.ListenwithYourHeart

16.FindtheKeystoTheirHearts

17.BetheFirsttoHelp

18.AddValuetoPeople

19.RememberaPerson’sStory

20.TellaGoodStory

21.GivewithNoStringsAttached

22.LearnYourMailman’sName

23.PointOutPeople’sStrengths

24.WriteNotesofEncouragement

25.HelpPeopleWin

AClosingWordfromJohn

Notes

AbouttheAuthors

ACKNOWLEDGMENT

ThankyoutoCharlieWetzelforhishelpinwritingthisbook.

LIFE’SGREATESTJOY

BYJOHNC.MAXWELL

Inthespringof2004,soonafterturninginthefinishedmanuscriptofWinningwithPeople, thepublishersentoutanumberofadvancecopiesofthebook,asthey often do, to get feedback and endorsements. One of the people whoreceivedacopywasLesParrott.

Now, you may know Dr. Les Parrott from any one of a number of hissuccesses: he is a professor of psychology at Seattle Pacific University, thefounder of the Center for Relationship Development, a nationally successfulspeaker to Fortune 500 companies, and a best-selling author of books such asHigh-Maintenance Relationships and Love the Life You Live. He has been aguestonCNN,TheNBCNightlyNews,Oprah,andotherprograms.ButIknowLes as a friend. In fact,when I firstmetLes, hewas only a kid.Hewas justbeginninghisPh.D.studiesinpsychology.AndtheinstantImethim,Icouldseehewassharp.Iknewhewouldsoonbearisingstar.

Inthesummerof2004,IgotaphonecallfromLes.“John,”hesaid,“IlovedWinningwithPeople.Ithinkit’sgoingtohelpalotoffolks.It’sgoingtopromptthemtochangetheirattitudesandseetheirrelationshipswithpeopleinawholenewlight.Andbytheway,Iwroteaniceendorsementforit.ButIhaveanideafor you. I think you should write a sequel.” I had put mywhole heart and alifetimeofrelationallearningintoWinningwithPeople,soIwasabitskeptical.ButIhavea lotof respect forLes,andhealwayshasgreat ideas,soIwasallears.

“What’syouridea?”Iasked.

“I’vewatchedyouwithpeople foryears,”Lescontinued.“Whenyouspendtimewithpeople,youmakethemfeellikeamillionbucks.You’vemademefeellike amillion bucks. I bet you could sit down and come upwith a couple ofdozen specific things that you’ve mastered that you could teach others todo.”That gotmy juices flowing. “And John, I think you should call the bookHowtoMakeOthersFeelLikeaMillionBucks.”

ThenLes started to rattle off some of the things he thought I should teach,suchasgivingothersareputationtouphold,miningthegoldofgoodintentions,telling good stories, and helping people win. Themore I thought, themore Ilikedtheidea.WinningwithPeoplehadbeenwrittentochangethefundamentalway people approached relationships. Doing what it suggests would take aperiodof time toaccomplish.On theotherhand, thebookLeswassuggestingwould be able to help people learn specific skills that could bemastered in amatterofdays.

“Youknow,”Isaidafteralongpause,“it’sagreatidea.

Whydon’tyouwriteitwithme?”

Leswassurprised.

“Ithinkwe’dmakeagreatteam,”Itoldhim.“Yousaidyourselfthatyou’vewatchedmeforyears.You’rea trainedpsychologist.Togetherwe’llfigureoutwhatskillstowriteabout.I’llteachhowIworkwithpeople,andyoucanhelppeopleunderstandthepsychologybehindthepractices.”

Andthat’show25WaystoWinwithPeoplecametobewritten.LesandIhadagreattimecomparingnotes,talkingaboutrelationships,andtellingstories.MyonereservationisthatLesinsistedontellingsomanystoriesaboutme.I’mnotanywhere near as good asLesmakesme out to be. Like everyone, I’ve donestupidthings,steppedontoes,andhurtpeople’sfeelings.ButI'vealwaystriedtodomybest.AndI’mstillworkingdailytoimprovemyskillswithothers.

AndIcan tellyouthis: theseskills reallydowork!LesandIbelieve that ifyoupracticetheskillsinthisbook,yourlifewillchange.Why?Becausewillbeabletohelpothersseethemselvesinapositivelight.Youwilloftenmakethemfeellikeamillionbucks.

Ibelievethereisnogreaterjoyinlifethanseeingothersblossom,grow,andreachtheirpotential.Thisbookcanhelpyouhaveapartinmakingthathappenforthepeopleinyourlife.

BETTERFORHAVINGKNOWNYOU

BYLESPARROTT

Some people possess an invisible quality that draws others to them like amagnet.They’remorethanjustlikable.Theircharismadefineseverythingtheydo and every encounter they have. Accordingly they build better teams, winmorerespect,andachievebiggerresults.Aretheymerelyluckyinlife,blessedwithpersonalitytraitsthatspellsuccesswithouteffort?Notonyourlife!

Thisalluringandinvisibletrait isnotinheritedasmuchasit ishoned.It’sacaptivatingspiritthatcanbetaughtandcaught.Fortoolongpeoplehaven’ttriedtocultivate thesequalitiesbecauseof thefalse impression thatyoueitherhave“it”oryoudon’t.Thisbookwillhelpchangethatmisinformednotion.Forhereyouwillfindtwenty-fiveofthemostcompellingkeystounlockingacharismaticspirit—aspiritthatwillhelpyouwinwithalmosteveryoneyouencounter.

WHYWE’REWRITINGTHISBOOKTOGETHER

Noonewhohasever come inclosecontactwith JohnMaxwellhaswalkedaway unaffected. That’s certainly true for me. As a mentor, John has left apermanentimprintonnearlyeveryaspectofmypersonalandprofessionallife.More than twenty years ago, before I launched into my graduate training tobecome a clinical psychologist, I flew frommy home in Chicago to spend aweekwith John inSanDiego for the sole purpose of soaking up hiswisdom.Someyears later, itwas Johnwhoencouragedme towritebooks andbegin a

speakingcareer.Andthesedays,adozenbookslater,whenwehappentosharethe sameplatform, John is alwaysmybiggest fan. It’s no exaggeration to saythatJohnbelievesinmemorethanIcouldeverhavetherighttoask.

I’mabetterpersonbecauseJohnMaxwellisinmylife.Johntaughtmehowtosummonmycourage;howtofindmypurposeandtapintomypassion;howto hone my vision and strive toward my goals. He taught me how to “failforward,”howtomakeeachdaycount,andhowtocultivateacan-doattitude.Interactionwith apeopleperson like Johncanhave that kindof an impactonyou. Directly and indirectly, John has taught me multiple and invaluable lifelessons.Butmorethananything,Johnhastaughtmehowtowinwithpeople.Hehas awinsomeway of relating to nearly everyone—whether it’s a server at arestaurantorthechairmanofamajorcorporation.

THESECRETSOFINTERPERSONALMAGIC

Downthroughthedecades,I’vestudiedJohnasheliftspeopleup.Andasafriend, I wanted to know how I could personally cultivate more of hisinterpersonal magic. Anyone who has spent even a short period of time withJohnknowsthatheputsyouateaseandmakesyoufeelgood.Notthekindof“good” that comes from a flippant compliment or insincere affirmation—andcertainlynotfromasmarmyormanipulativeslapontheback.I’mtalkingaboutthekindofgoodnessthatcomesfromknowinghegenuinelywantsthebestforyou.He’spullingforyouandwantsyoutowin.

I’vekeptmyeyesfocusedoneventhemostminuteofinteractions.Timeandagain,Johndisplaysanalmostuncannyabilitytodisarm,entertain,andengagewhomeverhemeets.Inotherwords,hehastheabilitytomakeothersfeellikeamillionbucks.Soashealreadytoldyou,onedayIapproachedhimwiththeideaofhissharingthesecretsofhismagneticpersonalitytohelpyoulearntodowhathedoes.WhenJohninvitedmetowritethisbookwithhim,Ispenthourswithhimtodrawoutthethingshedoesreflexivelyonadailybasis.AndIalsotalkedextensivelytoJohn’sfriendsandstaff. Iheardstoryafterstoryabout thewaysJohn has won with them and added value to their lives. I tell many of thesestoriesinthebooksothatyoucan“see”thepracticesinaction.

WITHINYOURREACH

Thetwenty-fivesecretsweincludeinthisbookhavethepotential tochangeyourlife.Theycanhelpyoutobecomethekindofmagneticpersonwholightsuptheroomwhenyouarrive.Theseskillsarereadilylearnable.Theyarenotjustfor a lucky fewwho seem to be hardwiredwith exclusive qualities. They arewithin reach of anyone who wants them. And they are crucial for anyonewantingtowinwithpeople.

1

STARTWITH

YOURSELF

Yourrelationshipscanonlybeashealthyasyouare.

—NEILCLARKWARREN

LES...ONSTARTINGWITHYOURSELF

Ifyouwant towinwithpeople,you’vegot tobeawinneryourself—orat theveryleastbeonyourwaytobecomingone.There’snoavoidingthissimplefact.

Asapsychologistspecializinginrelationships, I’veseenhundredsofpeopleintherapy.I’vespokentohundredsofthousandsinseminars.I’vewrittenmorethan a dozen books on the subject. People close to me understand that I’mpassionate about helping others win with people. But if there is one thing Iknow,it’sthatanewtiportechniquetowinwithotherswillfallflatifyoudon’tstartwithyourself.

Letmesayitstraight.Ifyoutrytopracticethe“ways”ofwinningwithpeoplethat you are about to learn in the following chapters before you give seriousattention to how you can be awinner yourself, you’ll be sorely disappointed.However, if you will first take the time to focus on yourself, you’ll soon bereadytofocusonothers.

YOU’VEGOTTOSTARTWITHYOURSELF

WilliamJames,thefirstAmericanpsychologist,said,“Thehelltobeenduredhereafter, of which theology tells, is no worse than the hell we make forourselves in this world by habitually fashioning our characters in the wrongway.” If we do not form a winning character, we are sure to lose with otherpeople.That’swhythisfirststepissosignificant.Infact,thereareatleasttwocompellingreasonswhywinningwithpeoplehingesonstartingwithyourself.

YOUCAN’TEHAPPYWITHOUTBEINGHEALTHY

Psychology used to think it was critical to focus on—and then eliminate—negative emotions.We now know there is a betterway.A new generation ofresearch has shifted psychology’s primary analysis from that of misery to anunderstandingofwellness.

The new research reveals that you can’t be happy simply by beingunencumberedbydepression,stress,oranxiety.No—youcan’tbehappyunlessyouarehealthy.Andthere’salotmoretohealththannotbeingsick.Emotionalhealthismorethantheabsenceofdysfunctionalemotions.Emotionalhealthisatthecenterofwinningwithpeople.

YOUCAN’TGIVEWHATYOUDON’THAVE

Oneof theoldestpsychological truisms in theworld is thatyoucannotgivewhatyoudonothave.Infact,likeeveryotherpsychologist-in-training,whenIfirstbeganmygraduateeducation,Iwasurgedtogetintopsychotherapymyself.“Les,”myadvisorsaid,“asapsychologist,youwillonlybeabletotakeapersonasfarasyouhavegoneyourself.”Why?Becauseyoucannotgivewhatyoudonothave.Youcannotenjoyothersuntilyouenjoyyourself.

HarryFirestonesaid,“Yougetthebestoutofotherswhenyougivethebestofyourself.” So true. But if the best you have isn’t any better than what those“others” already possess, you’ll never take them any higher than they alreadyare.

The bottom line? If you are not becoming a winner, you’ll find it almostimpossible to win with others. But here’s the good news: your desire andattempts to win with others help to make you a winner. It’s what AmericanessayistCharlesWarnerwasgettingatwhenhesaid,“Noonecansincerelytrytohelpanotherwithouthelpinghimself.”

HOWTOBEAWINNER

“There’s aperiodof lifewhenwe swallowaknowledgeofourselves,” saidPearl Bailey, “and it becomes either good or sour inside.” Everyone has littleanxietiesand insecurities. If Iwere toaskyou todescribeawinningperson,apersonwho iswhole and healthy, youmight say something about this personbeingconfident,warm,kind,stable,giving,andsoon.Andyou’dberight,inasense. But there’s more to becoming a winner than having a list of enviableattributes.Beingawinnercomesdowntoonething:yourvalue.

Winners are valuable. Ask any star athlete or gold medalist who has justsignedamultimillion-dollarendorsementdeal.Buttruthbetold,beingawinner,inthepurestsenseoftheword,hasnothingtodowithyourperformance,yoursalary,oryourearningpotential.Ithastodowithyourvalueandwhetherornotyouhaveownedit.Whenyouembraceyourownpersonalvalue,whenyouaresecureinwhoyouare,thenyouhavebecomeawinner.

Hereareafewwaysofdoingjustthat:

RECOGNIZE YOURVALUE. On more than one occasion, I’ve told thestoryofbeingonaspeakingplatformwithmyfriendGarySmalleywhenhedidsomethingthatcaptivatedthecrowd.Beforeanaudienceofnearlytenthousandpeople,Garyheldoutacrispfifty-dollarbillandaskedthem,“Whowouldlikethisfifty-dollarbill?”Handsstartedgoingupeverywhere.

“Iamgoingtogivethisfiftydollarstooneofyou,”hesaid,“butfirstletme

dothis.”Heproceededtocrumpleupthebill.Thenheasked,“Whostillwantsit?”Thesamehandswentupintheair.

“Well,”hecontinued, “what if Ido this?”Hedropped it on thegroundandstartedtogrinditintothefloorwithhisshoe.Hepickeditup,allcrumpledanddirty.“Now,whostillwantsit?”Again,handswentintotheair.

“Youhavealllearnedavaluablelesson,”Garysaid.“NomatterwhatIdotothemoney,youstillwantitbecauseitdoesn’tdecreaseinvalue.Itisstillworthfiftydollars.”

Gary’s simple illustration underscores a profound point.Many times in ourliveswe are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisionswemakeor thecircumstances that comeourway.Wemay feel as thoughweareworthless,insignificantinourowneyesandintheeyesofothers.Butnomatterwhat has happened or what will happen, we never lose our value as humanbeings.Nothingcantakethataway.Neverforgetthat.

ACCEPTYOURVALUE.Howmanytimeshaveyouheardpeoplesay,“Hehas issues”? What they mean is that the person is stuck. The person is nothealthy.He’sgotahang-up.He’suncomfortableinhisownskin.It’swhatwepsychologistsaregettingatwhenwetalkaboutself-acceptance.

Let’s face it. All of uswalking around on this planet have insecurities andissues that we wish we could change about ourselves. But certain things wecan’t.Somethingsaboutusjustare.Maybeyouweren’tbornwiththekindoflooksyouwouldlike.Oryouaren’tastallasyoudesire.Yourgenesdealtyouahand that you’ve eventually got to accept—either that or you reject yourpersonalvalueandspendyourdays trying tocompensateforyour insecurities.Youbecomehungup,stuckonnotbeingdealtabetterhand.

ThetermacceptancecomesfromtheLatinadcapere thatmeans“totaketooneself.”Inotherwords,inherentintheprocessofacceptingothersistheactofself-acceptance. I’ll say it again: you will never win with people until youbecomeawinner.

INCREASEYOURVALUE.Perhapsyoualreadyrecognizeandacceptyourvalue.Maybeyouknowatthecenterofyourbeing,deepinyoursoul,thatyou

arelovedbyGodandareofinestimablevalue.Congratulations!Thenextstepistoincreaseyourvaluetoothersbysolvingasmanyofyourproblemsasyoucan.In other words, you need tomaximize who you are by overcoming or fixingthosethingsthatarewithinyourpowertochange.

Youmay strugglewith ahair-trigger temper, for example.Maybeyouhavedifficultysettingboundariesortakingresponsibility.Maybeyouhavesomebadhabits,orperhapsyourattitudeneedsanoverhaul.Allofushavehurdleswecanovercome.Forty-fivepercentofAmericansreportthattheywouldchangeabadhabit if they could.1 The truth is, they can change. Each of us can improveourselveswheneverwedecideto.

InhisbookTeaching theElephant toDance (Crown,1990), JamesBelascodescribed how trainers shackle young elephants with heavy chains to deeplyembeddedstakes.Inthatwaytheelephantlearnstostayinitsplace.Older,morepowerfulelephants thathavebeentrainedinthiswaynevertrytoleave—eventhough they have the strength to pull up the stake and walk away. Theirconditioning limits theirmovements.Eventually,withonlyasmall,unattachedmetal bracelet on their legs, they stand in place—even though the stakes areactuallygone!

It’s a story you’ve probably heard before, but like the powerful elephants,many people are bound by the restraints of previous conditioning. Just as theunattachedchainaround theelephant’s legkeeps it frommoving,somepeopleimposeneedlesslimitsontheirpersonalprogress.Don’tletthishappentoyou.Don’tmindlessly accept restraints on your abilities. Challenge them and keepgrowing.

BELIEVEINYOURVALUE.Onceyou’verecognizedyourvalue,acceptedit,andincreasedit,you’veeventuallygottobelieveit.You’vegottobelieveitwithsuchconvictionthatyou’dbewillingtobankonit.

ChuckWepnerneverlearnedthislesson.Asaboxer,heearnedthenickname“TheBayonneBleeder”becauseofthepunishmenthetookevenwhilewinning.Intheboxingworldhewaswhat’scalled“acatcher,”afighterwhooftenuseshis head to block the other guy’s punches.Wepner continually pressured hisopponent until he either won or got knocked out. He never cared howmanyshotshehad toabsorbbefore landingaknockoutblow.TrainerAlBraverman

calledhim“thegutsiest fighter Ievermet.Hewas ina leagueofhisown.Hedidn’t careaboutpain. Ifhegotcutorelbowed,henever lookedatmeor therefereeforhelp.Hewasafighterinthepurestsenseoftheword.”

WhenWepnerknockedoutTerryHenke in the eleventh round inSaltLakeCity, boxing promoter Don King offered Wepner a title shot against then–heavyweight champion George Foreman. But when Ali defeated Foreman,Wepnerfoundhimselfscheduledtofight“TheGreatest”—MuhammadAli.Onthemorningofthefight,Wepnergavehiswifeapinknegligeeandtoldhershewould“soonbesleepingwiththeheavyweightchampionoftheworld.”

Ali scoreda technicalknockoutwith justnineteen seconds remaining in thefight.Buttherewasamoment—onegloriousmomentintheninthround—whenahamlikepawtoAli’schestknockedthereigningchampionoffhisfeet.

Wepnerrecalled,“WhenAliwasdown,Iremembersayingtomyringman,AlBraverman,‘Startthecar,we’regoingtothebank,we’remillionaires.’AndAlsaidtome,‘You’dbetterturnaround.Becausehe’sgettingup.’”Afterthefight,Wepner’swifepulledthenegligeeoutofherpurseandasked,“DoIgotoAli’sroomordoeshecometomine?”(seewww.wepnerhomestead.com)

Thatstorywouldbenothingmorethananoddboxingfootnoteexceptforonething.A strugglingwriterwaswatching the fight.And then it suddenly struckhim:Thereitis,hesaidtohimself.“SoIwenthomeandIstartedwriting.AndIwrote for three days straight.” That’s howwriter and actor Sylvester Stallonedescribed the birth of the Academy Award–winning movie Rocky to JamesLiptononInsidetheActor’sStudio.

Themoviestudioofferedthestrugglingwriteranunprecedented$400,000forhisscript,butStallonerefusedthemoney,choosinginsteadjust$20,000andtherighttoplaythepartofRockyforactor’sminimumwage,apaltry$340aweek.ThestudioalsomadeanoffertoWepnersincethemoviewasbasedonhislife.Hecouldreceiveaflatfeeof$70,000or1percentofthemovie’sgrossprofits.Wanting the guaranteed payday, Wepner took the $70,000, a decision thatultimately cost him $8 million. Today Chuck Wepner lives in Bayonne andworksasaliquorsalesman.

Thesamethinghappenswheneveryousellyourselfshort.Ifyoudon’tbelieve

http://www.wepnerhomestead.com

thatyouhavesomethingofgreatvaluetoofferanotherperson—namelyyourself—you’ll never trulywinwithpeople.Whoyouare is thegreatest asset you’lleverpossess.Andaslongasyourecognizethisvaluableasset,acceptit,increaseit,andbelieveitwithdeepconviction,thewaysofwinningwithpeopleinthisbookcanbecomeapartofyourcharacter.Andwhentheycomefromtheheart,theyworklikeacharm.

JOHN...WITHAMAXWELLMENTORINGMOMENT

If I couldmeetyou inperson,oneof the first things Iwould tellyou is that Ibelieve inyou.Youmayfind thathard toswallowbecause Idon’tevenknowyou.But I do know this: everyone has value and something of value to offerothers. One of my missions in life is to see that value in others, help themdiscover it, and encourage them to reach their potential. You can become awinnerandhelpothersdothesame.

That’swhyIwanttomentoryou.Imaynotbeabletositdownwithyouinperson,butI’vewrittenthisbookwithLesbecauseIwanttohelpyou.Ineachchapterahead,Iwillcomealongsideyouforamentoringmomentandteachyouaspecificwaytomakeothersfeellikeamillionbucks.It’smywayofhelpingyouwinwithpeople.Andwhenwe’redone,Iwanttosuggestthatyouseekoutaface-to-facementor,awinnerwhocanaddvaluetoyouandwalkyouthroughmanyoflife’sadditionallessons.

LES...ONBRINGINGITHOME

Eachof thechapters in thisbookcloseswithapieceonbringing ithome. It’sdesigned to help you put the chapter’s “winning way” into action. This littleoutlinehasservedmewell,soIpassitalongtoyou.

ToapplyJohn’steachingtoyourownlife...

Forgetabout:

Whatevermakesyoufeelinsecure.

Ask:

HowcanIincreasemyvalueinordertobenefitothers,ratherthanjustmyself?

Doit:

Listthethingsyoucanimproveaboutyourself(badhabitstobreak,etc.),alongwithspecificstepstotaketomaketheimprovements.

Remember:

Yourrelationshipscanonlybeashealthyasyouare.

2

PRACTICETHE

30-SECONDRULE

Hewhowaitstodoagreatdealofgoodatonce,willneverdoanything.

—SAMUELJOHNSON

LES...ONSEEINGTHEPRACTICEINACTION

OneofthemostvaluablelessonsinwinningwithpeoplethatIhaveeverlearnedfromJohnisthe30SecondRule:withinthefirstthirtysecondsofaconversation,saysomethingencouragingtoaperson.

Johnisamasteratit.WhileIwassittinginameetingatoneofhiscompaniesa short time ago, John entered the room and within just a few minutes saidsomethingencouragingtoeachpersonaroundthetable.

“David, I heard you hit it out of the park this morning on that conferencecall.”

“Larry, you aremakingme look so goodwith that consultation inDenver.Thankyou.”

“Kevin,IjustsawthenumbersforApril.Nobodyelseintheworldseesandseizesanopportunitythewayyoudo.”

“Les, I’m so glad youmade the trip out here to be with us today. I knowyou’regoingtoaddtremendousvaluetoourdiscussion.”

Veryearlyon,Johnhadgenuinelyencouragedeachoneofus.Anditseemedalmost effortless.Since Iwas trying to learnmoreabout John’swinningwayswithpeople,afterthemeetingIaskedJohntotellmeaboutwhathedid.That’swhenIfirstheardtheterm“the30SecondRule.”

“Ilearnedthisfrommyfather,”Johnsaid.“Yearsago,hewasthepresidentofacollege,and Iwouldoftenwalkacross thecampuswithhim.Hecontinuallystopped to say encouraging things to the students. When I was tempted tocomplain,Iwouldlookatthestudents’facesandrealizeDadhaddepositedgoodwordsinsideofthem.

“People never forget that kind of encouragement,” John continued.“YesterdayItalkedtomydadonthephone,andheexcitedlytoldmeabouthismany former students who keep coming to Florida from all over the UnitedStates toseehim.Hewassurprisedthat theywouldgooutof theirwaytoseehim, but I wasn’t. The 30Second Rule that Dad had practiced with everyoneeverydaywasreturningtohimbigtime.”

“I’ve seen you do this for years,” I told John, “but I never knew it wassomethingyoupickedupfromyourdad.”

“I’velearnedalotofgreat lessonsfrommydad.He’sanincredibleleader,”John replied. “I practice this rule every day with everyone I meet. You see,someoneonce said tome, ‘Be kind . . . everyone youmeet is fighting a hardbattle.’ People everywhere need a goodword, an uplifting compliment to firetheirhopesanddreams.Ittakesverylittleefforttodo,butitreallyliftspeopleup.”

JOHN...WITHAMAXWELL


Whenmostpeoplemeetothers, theysearchforways tomake themselves lookgood.Thekeytothe30SecondRuleisreversingthispractice.Whenyoumakecontactwith people, instead of focusing on yourself, search forways tomakethemlookgood.

Every day before I meet with people, I pause to think about somethingencouragingIcantellthem.WhatIsaycanbeoneofmanythings:Imightthankthemforsomethingthey’vedoneformeorforafriend.Imighttellothersaboutone of their accomplishments. Imight praise them for a personal quality theyexhibit. Or I might simply compliment their appearance. The practice isn’tcomplicated,but itdoes take some time,effort, anddiscipline.The reward forpracticingitishuge,becauseitreallymakesapositiveimpactonpeople.

If you desire to encourage others by practicing the 30Second Rule, thenrememberthesethingsthenexttimeyoumeetpeople:

THE30-SECONDRULEGIVESPEOPLETHETRIPLE-ATREATMENT

Allpeoplefeelbetteranddobetterwhenyougivethemattention,affirmation,andappreciation.Thenexttimeyoumakecontactwithpeople,beginbygivingthemyourundividedattentionduring the first thirty seconds.Affirm themandshowyourappreciationfortheminsomeway.Thenwatchwhathappens.Youwill be surprised by how positively they respond. And if you have troublerememberingtokeepyourfocusontheminsteadofonyourself,thenperhapsthewordsofWilliamKingwillhelpyou.Hesaid,“Agossipisonewhotalkstoyouaboutotherpeople.Aboreisonewhotalkstoyouabouthimself.Andabrilliantconversationalistisonewhotalkstoyouaboutyourself.”

“Agossipisonewhotalkstoyouaboutotherpeople.Aboreisonewhotalkstoyouabouthimself.Andabrilliantconversationalistisonewhotalkstoyouaboutyourself.”

—WILLIAMKING

THE30-SECONDRULEGIVESPEOPLEENERGY

Psychologist Henry H. Goddard conducted a study on energy levels inchildren using an instrument he called the “ergograph.” His findings arefascinating.Hediscoveredthatwhentiredchildrenweregivenawordofpraiseorcommendation,theergographshowedanimmediateupwardsurgeofenergyinthechildren.Whenthechildrenwerecriticizedordiscouraged,theergographshowedthattheirphysicalenergytookasuddennosedive.

Youmayhavealreadydiscoveredthisintuitively.Whensomeonepraisesyou,doesn’t your energy level go up? And when you are criticized, doesn’t thatcommentdragyoudown?Wordshavegreatpower.

Whatkindof environmentdoyou thinkyoucouldcreate ifyoucontinuallyaffirmed peoplewhen you first came into contactwith them?Not onlywouldyouencourage them,butyouwouldalsobecomeanenergycarrier.Wheneveryouwalkedintoaroom,thepeoplewouldlightup!Youwouldhelptocreatethekind of environment everyone loves. Just your presence alonewould brightenpeople’sdays.

THE30-SECONDRULEINSTILLSMOTIVATION

VinceLombardi, the famedGreenBayPackers footballcoach,wasa feareddisciplinarian. But he was also a great motivator. One day he chewed out aplayerwhohadmissedseveralblockingassignments.Afterpractice,Lombardistormed into the locker roomandsaw that theplayerwassittingathis locker,headdown,dejected.Lombardimussedhishair,pattedhimontheshoulder,andsaid,“Oneofthesedays,you’regoingtobethebestguardintheNFL.”

ThatplayerwasJerryKramer,andKramersayshecarriedthatpositiveimageof himself for the rest of his career. “Lombardi’s encouragement had atremendous impact onmywhole life,”Kramer said.Hewent on to become a

memberoftheGreenBayPackersHallofFameandamemberoftheNFL’sAll-50-YearTeam.

Everybody needs motivation from time to time. Using the 30Second Rulehelpsencouragepeopletobeanddotheirbest.Neverunderestimatethepowerofmotivation:

Motivationhelpspeoplewhoknowwhattheyshoulddo...todoit!

Motivationhelpspeoplewhoknowwhatcommitmenttheyshouldmake...tomakeit!

Motivationhelpspeoplewhoknowwhathabittheyshouldbreak...tobreakit!

Motivationhelpspeoplewhoknowwhatpaththeyshouldtake...totakeit!

Motivationmakesitpossibletoaccomplishwhatyoushouldaccomplish.

Oneofthegreatsidebenefitsofthe30SecondRuleisthatitalsohelpsyou.Youcan’thelpotherswithoutalsohelpingyourself.BenjaminFranklinrealizedthis truth, and he encouraged others with it. In a letter to John Paul Jones,Franklinwrote:

Hereafter,ifyoushouldobserveanoccasiontogiveyourofficersandfriendsalittlemorepraisethan is their due, and confess more fault than you can justly be charged with, you will onlybecomethesoonerforit,agreatcaptain.Criticizingandcensuringalmosteveryoneyouhavetodowith,willdiminishfriends,increaseenemies,andtherebyhurtyouraffairs.

Ifyouwantotherstofeelgoodaboutthemselvesandtofeelgladeverytimetheyseeyou,thenpracticethe30SecondRule.Rememberthis:thosewhoaddtous,drawustothem.Thosewhosubtract,causeustowithdraw.

Thosewhoaddtous,drawustothem.Thosewhosubtract,causeustowithdraw.


Socialpsychologistshavestudied“firstimpressions”fordecades.Ifyouwanttomakeanimpressionthatis lastingandpositive,wenowknowwhatworksandwhatdoesn’t.AndJohn’s30SecondRuleisoneofthemosteffectivemeansforfindingsuccessinthisarea.Inresearchit’scalledthe“primacyeffect,”anditsinitialimpactgoesalongwayinmakingothersfeelconnectedwithyou.1


Forgetabout:

Searchingforwaystomakeyourselflookgood.

Instead,searchforwaystomakeotherslookgood.

Ask:

Whatpositive,encouragingthingcanIsaytoeachpersonIwillseetoday?

Doit:

GiveeveryoneyoumeettheTriple-ATreatment—attention,affirmation,andappreciation.

Remember:

Withinthefirstthirtysecondsofaconversation,saysomethingencouraging.

3

LETPEOPLEKNOWYOU

NEEDTHEM

ThegreatestcomplimentthatwaseverpaidmewaswhensomeoneaskedmewhatIthought,

andattendedtomyanswer.

—HENRYDAVIDTHOREAU


OnedayIaskedJohnthesecrettogettingpeopletojoinateam,andhetoldmeitcouldbefoundinasinglesentence:“Ican’tdoitwithoutyou.”Hewentontosay that great leaders stumblewhen they believe people need them instead ofrecognizing that the very opposite is true. “Leaders can become great,” saidJohn,“onlywhentheyrealizethattheyaretheoneswhoneedpeople.”

Aswetalked,Johnpulledalaminatedcardfromhisdeskdrawerandtoldmehehaddevelopedatoolyearsagoforaskingpeopleforhelp.“Les,Iwrotethisback in1974,”hesaid.“IwasfacingamajorbuildingprojectandIneeded toraisemorethanamilliondollars.ItwasthefirsttimeIunderstoodhowfarovermyheadItrulywasinleadership.

“That’swhenI realized that if Iwasever toachievesomethinggreat,”Johncontinued, “it would be the result of turning the dream from me to we.” Iscribbled down that phrase, intending to “borrow” it for an upcoming lecture.Johnwenton,“IalsorealizedthatanydreamIcouldachievewithoutthehelpofotherpeoplewastoosmall.”

ThenJohnhandedmethelaminatedcard.Onitwerethesewords:

IHaveaDreamHistorytellsus that ineveryagetherecomesa timewhenleadersmustcomeforth tomeet theneedsof the hour.Therefore, there is nopotential leaderwhodoes not have anopportunity tobettermankind.Thosearoundhimalsohavethesameprivilege.Fortunately,IbelievethatGodhassurroundedmewiththosewhowillacceptthechallengeofthishour.

Mydreamallowsmeto...

GiveupatanymomentallthatIaminordertoreceiveallthatIcanbecome.

SensetheinvisiblesoIcandotheimpossible.

TrustGod’sresourcessincethedreamisbiggerthanallmyabilitiesandacquaintances.

Continuewhendiscouraged,forwherethereisnofaithinthefuture,thereisnopowerinthepresent.

Attractwinners,becausebigdreamsdrawbigpeople.

Seemypeopleandmyselfinthefuture.Ourdreamisthepromiseofwhatweshallonedaybe.

Yes,Ihaveadream.Itisgreaterthananyofmygifts.Itisaslargeastheworld,butitbeginswithone.Won’tyoujoinme?

—JohnMaxwell

“Les,”hesaid,“I’vegiventhesecardsoutby thehundreds,andIhaveseenpeopletimeandagainjoinuptohelpmeaccomplishmydreamforoneprimary

reason—becauseIletthemknowIneededthem.”


ThedaythatIrealizedIcouldnolongerdoeverythingmyselfwasamajorstepinmydevelopmentasapersonanda leader. I’vealwayshadvision,plentyofideas,andvastamountsofenergy.Butwhenthevisiongetsbiggerthanyou,youreallyonlyhavetwochoices:giveuponthevisionorgethelp.Ichosethelatter.

Whenthevisiongetsbiggerthanyou,youreallyonlyhavetwochoices:giveuponthevisionorgethelp.

Nomatterhowsuccessfulyouare,nomatterhowimportantoraccomplished,youdoneedpeople.That’swhyyouneedtoletthemknowthatyoucannotwinwithoutthem.PresidentWoodrowWilsonsaid,“Weshouldnotonlyuseallthebrainswehave—butall thatwecanborrow.”Whystopwith just theirbrains?Enlistpeople’shandsandhearts, too!Anotherpresident,LyndonJohnson,wasrightwhenhesaid,“Therearenoproblemswecannotsolvetogether,andveryfewthatwecansolvebyourselves.”

Askingothersforhelpisagreatwaytomakethemfeellikeamillionbucks.Why?

PEOPLENEEDTOBENEEDED

Haveyoueverstoppedtoasksomeonefordirections?Yourolldownyourcarwindow and ask a passerby, “Can you tell me how to find Larry’sMarket?”Nearlyeverytime,peoplestopwhatever theyaredoingandhelpif theycan—evenifitmeanscrossingthestreetorstandingintraffic.Theymayevenrepeatthe directions a couple of times to make sure you get it. Why? Because

wheneverapersonfeelsthatheorsheknowssomethingyoudon’t,itgivesthatpersonanegoboost.Everyonelikestobeanexpert,evenifit’sforamoment.Itgivesthemagreatsenseofsuperiorityandofaccomplishmentwhentheyhelp.That translates intoan increasedsenseofself-worth.And itall stemsfromtheuniversalneedtobeneeded.

PEOPLENEEDTOKNOWTHEYNEEDPEOPLE.

“Itmarksabigstepinyourdevelopmentwhenyoucometorealizethatotherpeoplecanhelpyoudoabetterjobthanyoucoulddoalone,”saidsteelmagnateand philanthropist Andrew Carnegie. Sadly, many people never achieve thatlevel of maturity or insight. Some people still want to believe that they canachievegreatnessalone.

Every individual’s fate is tied to thatofmanyothers.Wecannotbe like theshipwreckedmanwhositsatoneendofalifeboatdoingnothingwhileeveryoneattheotherendbailsfuriously,andsays,“ThankGodthatholeisn’tinmyendoftheboat!”Weallneedpeople,andifwedon’tknowit,we’reintrouble.

PEOPLENEEDTOKNOWTHEYARENEEDED.

CartoonistCharlesSchulzoftencaptured the longingsof thehumanheart inhiscomicstripPeanuts.Hereallyunderstoodtheneedsofpeople.Inoneofhiscreations,LucyasksCharlieBrowntohelpwithherhomework.“I’llbeeternallygrateful,”shepromises.

“Fair enough. I’ve never had anyone be eternally grateful before,” repliesCharlie.“Justsubtract4from10togethowmanyapplesthefarmerhadleft.”

Lucysays,“That’sit?That’sit?Ihavetobeeternallygratefulforthat?Iwasrobbed!Ican’tbeeternallygratefulforthis—itwastooeasy!”

With a blank look of discouragement, Charlie replies, “Well,whatever youthinkisfair.”

“HowaboutifIjustsay‘thanks,bro’?”repliesLucy.

AsCharlie leaves to go outside, hemeetsLinus,who asks, “Where’ve youbeen,CharlieBrown?”

“HelpingLucywithherhomework.”

“Didsheappreciateit?”Linusasks.

Charlieresponds,“Atgreatlyreducedprices.”

EverfeltlikeCharlieBrown?You’renotalone.Everyhumanbeinglongsforalifeofsignificance.Weallneedtoknowweareneededandthatwhatweoffertoothersisofvalue.

PEOPLENEEDTOKNOWTHATTHEYHELPED.

Wheneversomeonetellsmehowvaluablethepeopleonmyteamaretothem,I encourage him to tell the individuals who were so helpful. Why? Becausepeopleneedtoknowthattheyhelpedsomeone.“Goodleadersmakepeoplefeelthat they’re at the very heart of things, not at the periphery,” says author andleadership expert Warren Bennis. “Everyone feels that he or she makes adifference to the success of the organization. When that happens people feelcenteredandthatgivestheirworkmeaning.”

“Goodleadersmakepeoplefeelthatthey’reattheveryheartofthings,notattheperiphery.”

—WARRENBENNIS

Walter Shipley of Citibank says, “We have 68,000 employees. With acompany this size, I’mnot ‘running the business’ . . .My job is to create theenvironment that enables people to leverage each other beyond their ownindividual capabilities . . . I get credit for providing the leadership that got usthere.Butourpeopledidit.”Shipleyunderstandswhatsuccessfulleadersknow:peopleneed toknow that theymadean important contribution to reaching the

goal.

It’snotasignofweakness to letothersknowyouvaluethem.It’sasignofsecurity and strength.When you’re honest about your need for help, specificwithothersaboutthevaluetheyadd,andinclusiveofothersasyoubuildateamtodosomethingbiggerthanyouare,everybodywins.


Researchprovedlongagothatwhenpeoplefeelneeded,theyarefarmorelikelyto be productive and creative. In fact, studies of twinswith similar IQ scoresshow that each performs quite differently when they are in differingenvironments, one supportive (where they know they are needed andappreciated) and the other not. The person who feels needed consistentlyperformsbetter.1


Forgetabout:

Apridefulattitudethatcausesyoutoprovehowcapableyouarewithoutthehelpofothers.

Ask:

WhospecificallycanhelpmedoabetterjobthanIcandoalone?WhoisjustwaitingtobeaskedtojoininwhatIamdoing?

Doit:

Sincerelyaskothersforinputorhelpandattendcarefullytowhattheyhavetosay.

Remember:

Individualswhowinwithpeoplemakeothersfeelthattheyareattheveryheartofthings,notattheperiphery.

theyareattheveryheartofthings,notattheperiphery.

4

CREATEAMEMORYAND

VISITITOFTEN

Memoryisthetreasuryandguardianofallthings.

—CICERO


PeoplewhospendqualitytimewithJohnknowthattheyaregoingtowalkawaywithamemory.It'sinevitable.Johnjusthasaknackformakingmemories;it’soneofthethingsthatmakeshimawinnerwithpeople.

Johnalsoenjoysitwhenotherscreateamemoryforhim.Onedaywhenwewere talkingabout creatingmemories, toldme this story:hewas scheduled tospeaktothreethousandyoungleadersinPhoenixatanevent,butashesteppedontotheplatformthatday,herealizedhishosthadsomethingdifferentinmind.“He didn’t want me to speak at all,” John explained. The group that wasgatheredhadbeenreadinghisbooksandlisteningtohistapesthroughtheyearsandhadplannedasurprise.InsteadofhavingJohnspeaktothem,theywantedtospeak to John, so they had him sit on the platform and simply listen as theyhonored him.One after another, twelve preselected leaders from the audience

cameuptothepodiumtotellthegroupabouthowJohn’steachinghadmadeanimpactonhisorherlife.

“Itwascompletelyunexpected,”Johnsaid.“Andnotonlydidtheyshowermewith kindwords, but each speaker presentedmewith amemento—a tangibleremembrance of something they said they had learned from me. I wascompletelyoverwhelmedbytheexperience.”

One person gave John a beautiful paintingwith two images: one of a childreadingoneofJohn’sbooksandanotherofthechildasagrownmancoachingothers.

“Les,”Johnsaid,tearsinhiseyesandhisvoicecracking,“Idon’tknowhowmany times I’ve reminisced about that day. I keep the mementos around myoffice to relive it. That experiencemeant somuch tome.And it renewedmydesiretocreatememoriesforothers.”


Few things bond people together like a shared memory. Soldiers who battletogether, teammates who win a championship, and work teams that hit theirgoalsshareaconnectionthatnevergoesaway.Marriedcoupleswhoexperiencerough times can often look back on their earlier experiences together to keepthem going. Families bond when they rough it on camping trips or shareadventuresonvacationandthenloverecountingtheirexperienceyearslater.

Some memories come as the result of circumstance, but many can beproactivelycreated.AuthorLewisCarrollwrote,“It’sapoorsortofmemorythatonly works backward.” What does that mean to you and me? The richestmemoriesareoftenthoseweplanandintentionallycreate.Herearesomehintsforcreatingmemoriesthatwillhelpyouwinwithpeople:

INITIATIVE—MAKESOMETHINGHAPPEN

Memoriesdon’tfindus—wefindthem.Evenbetter,ifweareintentional,we

canmakememories. If youmention theword chariot to friendsDanandPattiReilandorTimandPamElmore,Icantellyouexactlywhatwillcometomind—acrispautumndayinNewYorkCitywhenwedidsomethingthatstillmakesus laugh.After lunch at Tavern on theGreen, I hired three “bicycle chariots”with peddling drivers to take each couple on a race through Manhattan toMacy’s.Itwasuptoeachcoupletomotivatetheirdrivertowin(usingwhateverfinancial incentives theywanted).The racewasneck-and-neck the entireway,andwelaughedthewholetime.

Westilllaughwhenwethinkaboutitorlookatthephotoswetookthatday.Butitneverwouldhavehappenedifwehadn’tinitiatedit.

TIME—SETASIDETIMETOMAKESOMETHINGHAPPEN

For years parents have debated the issue of quality time versus quantity oftime.Asafatherandgrandfather,Ihavediscoveredthatittakesquantitytimetofindqualitytime.Ifyoudon’tcarveoutthetime,youcan’tcreatethememory.

Haven’t you found that most memories you have are with the people youspend the most time with? I know that’s true for me. If you want to makememorieswithyour family, spendmore timewith them. Ifyouwant tocreatememorieswithyouremployees,youwon’tdoitbehindthedoorofyouroffice.Yousimplycan’tmakememorieswithpeopleifyoudon’ttaketimetobewiththem.

PLANNING—PLANFORSOMETHINGTOHAPPEN

Most people don’t lead their lives—they accept their lives. They wait formemorable experiences to happen, never giving a thought to planning anexperience thatwillmakeamemory.Oneof themostextravagantmemories Iever planned was with Margaret, my wife, for our twenty-fifth weddinganniversary. We decided to share it with thirty of our closest friends. WecharteredayachtandpickedeveryoneupinSanDiegoBay.Onceonboard,wehad a delectablemeal and then surprised the group by having FrankieValensentertain us with some of his trademark songs like “Sixteen Candles.” Ourfriends loved it.But themostmemorablehighlightof theeveningwascreated

whenMargaretandIsaidafewwordsabouteachpersonandwhythatpersonheldsuchaspecialplaceinourhearts.ThatnightisnotonlyagreatmemoryforMargaretandme,butitisagreatmemoryforthepeoplewhoattended,too.

Mostpeopledon’tleadtheirlives—theyaccepttheirlives.

CREATIVITY—FINDAWAYTOMAKESOMETHINGHAPPEN

Whatdoyoudowhenyoufindyourselfataneventwhereyouexpecttoshareamemorybutnothingseemstohappen?Yougetcreative.I’vebeenaskedoverand over to tell the story of the Holiday Bowl I attended in San Diego withfriends about fifteen years ago.The gamewas so dull that I ended up buyingnewspapersforeveryoneinmysectionsothatwewouldhavesomethingtodo.Anotherguynearby,nottobeoutdone,boughtonehundredbagsofpeanutsanddistributed them to everybody in the section. The two of us got a standingovation, and soon the news crewsweremore focused on us than the game. Idon’t remember the score ormuch about the game, but it’s a night I’ll neverforget.Neitherwillthebuddieswhowentwithme.

SHAREDEXPERIENCES—MAKESOMETHINGHAPPENTOGETHER

Memories compound when they are experienced with someone you love.Yearsagoour familywent to JasperPark inCanada for avacation.Whilewewere there, I tookmychildren,ElizabethandJoelPorter, fishing.Onourwayback toourcabin,wecalledMargaret to letherknowwewerecominghome,andsheaskedthekidshowtheydid.

“Wecaughteighttrout,”Joelsaid.Hewasactinglow-keyaboutit,butIcouldtellhewasproud.Aswedroveback,wetalkedabouthowgreatitwasgoingtobe to have a dinner of troutwe had just pulled from a coldmountain stream.Whenwearrived,wecarriedthetroutintothekitchen,andthereonthecounterwesawfoursteaksreadytobecooked.

“What gives?” Joel asked his mother. “We caught eight trout! And we’relookingforwardtoatroutdinner.”

Margaret started to laugh. “I thought you said a trout, so I went out andbought steaks.”Then I started laughing, andElizabethdid too.Finally,with agleaminhiseye,Joelsaid,“Mom’snottoogoodwithnumbers,isshe?”

That happenedwithour kidswhen theywere eleven and thirteenyears old.Every timewe’vehadacookout since then, thekidshave told the trout story.Evennow thatbothof themaremarriedandhavekidsof theirown, they stilllovetosay,“Mom’snottoogoodwithnumbers,”andmakeuslaugh.

MEMENTOS—SHOWTHATSOMETHINGHAPPENED

“Almostanythingyoudo todaywillbe forgotten in justa fewweeks,” saysauthorandresearchscientistJohnMcCrone.“Theability toretrieveamemorydecreases exponentially unless boosted by artificial aids such as diaries andphotographs.”

Don’t you find that to be true?Do you keep pictures or souvenirs on yourdeskwhereyoucanseethem?Doyoucarryphotosofpeopleyouloveinyourwallet? Do you have a trophy, plaque, game ball, or other award on a shelfwhereyouandotherscanseeit?Weallhavethingswelove—notbecausetheyhave anymaterial value but because they remind us of places we’ve been orthings we’ve done.When you help someone else create a memory, give thatpersonsomethingtorememberitby.

RELIVETHEMEMORY—TALKABOUTWHATHAPPENED

Themost importantpartofcreatingamemory is reliving it. It’s thepayoff!ManytimeswhenItravelwithothers,attheendofourtripIaskthemtoshareafavorite memory. It often leads to rich conversations. Or I write a note tosomeone soon afterward to share my own favorite memory. It creates aconnectionthatbondsustogetherandmakesbothofusfeelgreat.


There isn't a person in theworldwhodoesn't understand thevalueofpositivememories.Theycansustainpeopleduring theworstof timesand inspire themduringthebestoftimes.Andbestofall,anyonecancreateamemoryandvisititoften!


Forgetabout:

Tryingtohavequalitytimetomakeamemoryifyouaren’twillingtoinvestthequantityoftimeitrequires.

Ask:

WhatmemorieshaveIalreadycreatedwithpeopleinmylifethatweneedtorelivetogether?

Doit:

Plananexperiencethatwillcommemorateanachievementormilestonethatpeoplewilltalkaboutyearsfromnow.Anddon’tforgettocreateamementoofit.

Remember:

Weshouldn’twaitformemoriestohappentous.Weneedtomakememorieshappen.

5

COMPLIMENT

PEOPLEINFRONTOF

OTHERPEOPLE

Admonishthyfriendsinsecret,praisethemopenly.

—PUBLILIUSSYRUS


Complimenting people in front of other people is a JohnMaxwell trademark.He’sknownfordoingthisfarandwide.SowhenIaskedafewpeoplearoundhiscompanytotellmehowJohndoesthis,Ididn’thavetolookfarforstories.Instead,Ihadtodecidewhichofnumerousonestochoose.Manyofthesestoriescontainedsentimentssimilar to theonesIheardfromCharlieWetzel,whohasworkedwithJohnonhisbooksformorethanadecade:

For almost twenty years, John has written and recorded leadership lessons, which he used tomentor tens of thousands of people every month, first for the Injoy Life Club and now forMaximumImpact.In1995,hedidalessonthatwasdesignedtoteachleadershowtofindpeople

withgreatpotentialandhow tocreateanenvironment for them to flourishandemergeas full-fledgedleaders.Hecalledit“SearchingforEagles.”

Johnnowoftenrecordssuchlessonson-siteatcorporationsandotherorganizationsaroundthecountry.ButatthattimehedeliveredtheteachingtohisownchurchstaffandafewpeoplefromInjoy,theleadershipdevelopmentcompanyhefounded.Itwashiswayofcontinuallydevelopinghispeoplesothattheywouldgrowandlearn.Isat intheaudiencethatdayandtooknotesasIlearnedthetenmarksofaneagle:

1.Eaglesmakethingshappen.

2.Eaglesseeandseizeopportunities.

3.Eaglesinfluencetheopinionsandactionsofothers.

4.Eaglesaddvaluetoyou.

5.Eaglesdrawwinnerstothem.

6.Eaglesequipothereaglestolead.

7.Eaglesprovideideasthathelptheorganization.

8.Eaglespossessanuncommonlygreatattitude.

9.Eaglesliveuptotheircommitmentsandresponsibilities.

10.Eaglesshowfierceloyaltytotheorganizationandtheleader.

Itwasaninspiringandinstructivemessage.AsJohnwrappedupthelesson,henamedsomeoftheeaglesthathadcomeintohislifethroughtheyears.AndthenJohnsaid,“ButIwanttofinishthis lesson by telling you about another eagle who has come on board recently. His name isCharlieWetzel.He’sonlybeenworkingwithusashorttime,buthemakesthingshappen.”

JohnwentontotellhowaconnectionImadeonmyowninitiativewiththeeditorofanationalpublication led to theacceptanceofaMaxwellarticle thatwouldbereadbyover threemillionsubscribers.Johnthensaidsomanykindandcomplimentarythingsaboutmethatitbroughttearstomyeyes.

Johnhadalwayssaidpositivethingsaboutmeinfrontofmywifeandmyvisitingparents,butthistimehewasspeakingtotheentirestaffofmychurchandthepresidentofhiscompany—notto mention the thousands of people who would be listening to the message on tape. It wasoverwhelming.Beforethatmoment,I’dneverthoughtofmyselfasan“eagle.”Eventothisday,ittouchesmyheartwhenIthinkaboutit.

It’s been a decade since John paid Charlie that compliment, yet its impacthasn’t lessened. That’s the power of complimenting people in front of otherpeople.


Themostfundamentalandstraightforwardwayofwinningwithpeopleistogivethemacompliment—asincereandmeaningfulwordofaffirmation.Ifyouwanttomakeothers feel like amillionbucks, you’vegot tomaster this elementaryskill.Andit’sessentialthatyoulearntogiveyourcomplimentsinfrontofothersas well as one-on-one.Why? Because that private compliment turned public,instantly and dramatically increases in value. Here are reasons why that’s soimportant:

Aprivatecomplimentturnedpublic,instantlyanddramaticallyincreasesinvalue.

PEOPLEWANTTOFEELWORTHWHILEINLIFE

“Everyonehasaninvisiblesignhangingfromhisneck,”saysMaryKayAsh.“It says, ‘MakeMeFeel Important!’”MaryKaydrilled this principle intohersales team. She told them again and again, “Never forget this message whenworkingwith people.”Sheknewcompliments and affirmationwere critical toenjoyingsuccesswithothers.

Andbytheway, it’soneof thereasonsshewassosuccessful.Withher lifesavings of $5,000 and the help of her then twenty-year-old son, she launchedMary Kay Cosmetics in 1963. The company now has more than 500,000independent beauty consultants in twenty-nine markets worldwide, and MaryKayInc.,isrankedasoneofthe100bestcompaniestoworkforinAmerica.

MaryKay, likeeveryotherpersonwhowinswithpeople,knew thatpeoplewanttofeelworthwhile.Whenyoucontinuallykeepthisinmind,youcan’thelpbutgivecomplimentsfreely.

COMPLIMENTSINCREASEINVALUEWHENWEVALUETHEPERSONWHOGIVESTHEM

Willard Scott, the former longtime weatherman on NBC’s Today Show,remembers his radio dayswhen he received his all-time favorite letter from afan:

DearMr.Scott,Ithinkyou’rethebestdiscjockeyinWashington.Youplaythebestmusicandhave the nicest voice of anyone on the air. Please excuse the crayon—theywon’t let us haveanythingsharpinhere.

Notallcomplimentsarecreatedequal.Whogivesthecomplimenthasalottodowithhowmuchweprizeit.Aniceremarkfromsomeonewho’snotallowedtohavesharpobjectsdoesn’tcarry thesameweightasacomplimentgivenbyyourbossinfrontofpeopleyourespect.

COMPLIMENTSAFFIRMPEOPLEANDMAKETHEMSTRONG

Toaffirm is tomake firm.An affirmation is a statement of truth youmakefirm inaperson’sheartwhenyouutter it.Asa result, it cultivatesconviction.For example, when you compliment a person’s attitude, you reinforce it andmakeitmoreconsistent.Becauseyounoticeitinapositiveway,hewillbemorelikelytodemonstratethatsameattitudeagain.

Likewise,when you affirm people’s dreams, you help their dreams becomemore real than their doubts. Like the repetition of a weight-lifting regimen,routine compliments build up people’s qualities and strengthen theirpersonalities.

“There are high spots in all of our lives,” wrote author George MatthewAdams, “and most of them have come about through encouragement fromsomeoneelse.Idon’tcarehowgreat,howfamousorsuccessfulamanorwomanmaybe,eachhungersforapplause.Encouragementisoxygentothesoul.Good

workcanneverbeexpectedfromaworkerwithoutencouragement.Noonecaneverhavelivedwithoutit.”

“Encouragementisoxygentothesoul.”

—GEORGEMATTHEWADAMS

COMPLIMENTSINFRONTOFOTHERSARETHEMOSTEFFECTIVEONESYOUCANGIVE

As commander of a $1 billionwarship and a crew of 310,MikeAbrashoffused grassroots leadership to increase retention rates from 28 percent to 100percent, reduceoperatingexpenditures, and improve readiness.Howdidhedoit?Amongotherthings,heplacedsupremeimportanceonpubliccompliments.

“The commanding officer of a ship is authorized to hand out 15 medals ayear,” hewrote. “Iwanted to err on the side of excess, so I passed out 115.”Nearly every time a sailor left his ship for another assignment, CaptainAbrashoffgavehimorheramedal.“Eveniftheyhadn’tbeenstarplayers,theygotmedalsinapublicceremonyaslongastheyhaddonetheirbesteveryday.Idelivered a short speech describing how much we cherished the recipient’sfriendship, camaraderie, and hard work.” Sometimes the departing sailor’sshipmatestoldfunnystories,recallinghisorherfoibles,trials,andtriumphs.Butthe bottom line was that Abrashoff wanted to make them feel good bycomplimentingtheminfrontofothers.

“There is absolutelynodownside to this symbolic gesture,” saidAbrashoff,“provideditisdonesincerelywithouthype.”Heknewhowtomakehissailorsfeellikeamillionbucks.

Youcandothesamethingforthepeoplearoundyou.Wheneveryouhavetheopportunitytopubliclypraiseanotherperson,don’tletitslipby.Ofcourse,you

cancreate theseopportunities,asCaptainAbrashoffdid,butyoucanalso findcountlessopportunitiesifyoujustlookforthem.


Thinkaboutthelast timeyoureceivedacomplimentinthepresenceofpeoplewhomatteredtoyou.Howdiditmakeyoufeel?Fewthingscanliftapersonupthewayasincerecomplimentdoes.


Forgetabout:

Givingcomplimentsonlyinprivate.Instead,givepublicpraisewheneveryoucan.

Ask:

WhocanIspotlightinfrontofothers?

Doit:

Complimentsomeonearoundyouinfrontofotherpeopletoday.

Remember:

Whenyougivesomeoneapubliccompliment,yougivehimorherwingslikeaneagle.

6

GIVEOTHERSA

REPUTATIONTOUPHOLD

Treatamanasheappearstobeandyoumakehimworse.Buttreatamanasifhealreadywerewhathepotentiallycouldbe,andyoumakehimwhat

heshouldbe.

—GOETHE


Afewyearsago,JohnandMargaretwenttoLondonwithfriendsDanandPattiReiland,TimandPamElmore,andAndyStimer.Whilethere,eachpersonhadhis ownmust-see destination. For Tim, it was the bunker and war room thatWinstonChurchillandhisadvisorsusedduringWorldWarII.

Johntoldmeabouthisexperiencethere.Itwasnotanimpressiveplace:itwasbasicallyabasementabouttwelvefeetbeneathabuildingcontainingabigmaproomwithalargetable,acommunicationroom,andsomesmallerroomswherepeoplecouldrest.Butwhathadoccurredthereduringthewarwasimpressive.ItwasfromtherethatChurchillhadstrategizedandralliedtheBritishpeople.

Aswetalked,IcouldtellthatJohnloveshistory.HetalkedaboutChurchill—one of his leadership heroes—and how the prime minister helped to upliftmillionsofhiscountrymeninthewakeofBritain’sJune1940defeatatthebattleofDunkirk.JohnquotedpartofthespeechChurchillusedtoaddresstheHouseofCommonsuponthatoccasion:

Weshallnotflagorfail . . .WeshallfightinFrance,weshallfightintheseasandoceans,weshallfightwithgrowingconfidenceandgrowingstrengthintheair,weshalldefendourisland,whateverthecostmaybe,weshallfightonthebeaches,weshallfightonthelandinggrounds,weshallfightinthefieldsandinthestreets,weshallfightinthehills;weshallneversurrender...1

Johnexplained,“Churchilldidalotofremarkablethingsduringthewar,butone of the greatest was his continual ability to give the English people areputationtouphold.Heinspiredthem;hemotivatedthem;hechallengedthem.Andinresponsetheyrosetotheoccasion.Theylovedhimforit.”

Johnhastriedtoembodythisquality.Hesaysthatasheinteractswithothers,he constantly asks himself,What is special, unique, andwonderful about thisindividual?Thenhesharesitwithothers.I’veseenJohndothistimeaftertime.AboutLindaEggers,hisassistant,hesays,“Shealwaysrepresentsmewell.”HecallsJohnHull, thepresidentofEQUIP,“Mr.Relationship.”Hetellseveryonethat Kirk Nowery, the president of ISS, is “the pastor’s best friend.”And hepoints out how Doug Carter, the vice president of EQUIP, “never misses anopportunitytotelltheEQUIPstory.”Johnthinksthebestofpeopleandspeaksaboutthefinequalitiesheseesinthem.


One of the best ways to inspire others and make them feel good aboutthemselves is to show themwho they could be.Years ago, amanager for theNewYorkYankeeswanted rookie players to knowwhat a privilege itwas toplayfor the team.Heused to tell them,“Boys, it’sanhonor just toputon theNewYorkpinstripes.Sowhenyouputthemon,playlikeworldchampions.PlaylikeYankees.Playproud.”

Whenyougivesomeoneareputationtouphold,yougivehimsomethinggood

toshootfor.It’sputtingsomethingthatwasbeyondhisreachwithinhisgrasp.Byspeakingtotheirpotential,youhelpthepeoplearoundyouto“playproud,”astheYankeesdo.Whyisthat important?Becausepeoplewillgofartherthantheythoughttheycouldwhensomeonetheyrespecttellsthemtheycan.

If you desire to give others a reputation to uphold, here are suggestions onhowtogetstarted:

HAVEAHIGHOPINIONOFPEOPLE

Theopinionsyouhaveofpeople inyour life affect themprofoundly.Dr. J.SterlingLivingston,formerlyoftheHarvardBusinessSchoolandfounderoftheSterling Institute management consulting firm, observed, “People performconsistentlyastheyperceiveyouexpectthemtoperform.”

Areputationissomethingthatmanypeoplespendtheirentirelivestryingtolive down or live up to. So why not help others up instead of pushing themdown?Allpeoplepossessbothvalueandpotential.Youcanfindthosethingsifyoutry.

BACKUPYOURHIGHOPINIONOFOTHERSWITHACTION

Whenyoubackupyourbeliefinpeoplewithaction,theirself-doubtbeginstoevaporate.It’sonethingtotellyourteenagerthatyoubelievehe’sagooddriver;it’sanothertolethimhavethekeystoyourcarfortheevening.Likewise,ifyouwantanewmanagertorisetothehighopinionyou’veexpressedabouther,thengivehersignificantresponsibility.Nothinggivespeopleconfidence likeseeingsomeone they respect put his money where his mouth is. Not only does itempowerthememotionally,butitalsoresourcestheirdrivetowardsuccess.

LOOKPASTTHEIRPASTSANDGIVETHEMREPUTATIONSFORTHEIRFUTURES

Old negative names, labels, or nicknames can block a person’s growth andprogress.Perhapsthat’swhytheritesofpassageinmanyculturesincludegivinganewtitleornametothepersonbeinghonored.Anewnamegivessomeonea

hopeforanewfuture.

A fun example of this can be found in themovie and playTheMan of LaMancha,basedonCervantes’sclassicworkDonQuixote.Theprotagonist,DonAlonzo,pursuesalifeofchivalryandseekstobecomeaknight-errantlongafterthat age of history has passed.He sees giantswhere others seewindmills andquests where others see rabbit trails. Comically, he “rescues” a commonprostitute named Aldonza, whom he sees as a beautiful lady. He calls herDulcineaandmakeshertheobjectofhisknightlyexploits.

At first she resents him. She thinks he is mocking her, because she hatesherselfandherlife.Butwithtime,hisvisionofherreplacesherownandgivesherhope.Andastheoldmanliesonhisdeathbed,shethankshimforseeinginherwhatshecouldnotseeinherself.

Ofcourse,themostdramaticexamplesofsomeoneover-lookingthepastsofothersandgivingthemreputationsforthefuturecanbefoundintheBible.ThebookofGenesisrecountshowGodchangedthelifeofAbram,anoldmanwithnooffspring.GodrenamedhimAbraham,2whichmeans“fatherofmany,”andmadeitpossibleforAbrahamtobecomeafatherinhisoldage.AndGodtookJacob, a trickster who cheated his brother, lied to his father, and constantlyschemed to get ahead; and renamed him Israel—his future becoming theinceptionofthenationofIsrael.3

GIVEPEOPLEANEWNAMEORNICKNAMETHATSPEAKSTOTHEIRPOTENTIAL

HarryHopman, one of the finest tennis captains and coaches inAustralia’shistoryandamemberoftheInternationalTennisHallofFame,atonetimebuilttheAustralianteamtothepointthatitdominatedthetennisworld.Howdidhedoit?Byemphasizingwhathecalled“coachingbyaffirmation.”Forexample,hehadaslowplayerwhomhenicknamed“Rocket.”Anotherplayer,whowasnotknownforhisstrengthorconstitution,hecalled“Muscles.”Anditcertainlygave themaboost.“Rocket”RodLaverandKen“Muscles”Rosewallbecamechampionsinthetennisworld.

Ilovegivingpeoplenicknamesthatspeaktotheirpotentialandtheirgreatest

strengths.Infact,it’ssomethingI’mknownforinmyfamily.Myownchildren,ElizabethandJoelPorter,Icall“AppleofMyEye”and“NumberOneSon.”Icallmy niecesRachael and Jennifer “Angel” and “Sweet Pea.”GrandchildrenMadeline, Hannah, John Porter, and Ella are “Sunshine,” “Hannah Banana,”“JP,”and“Peanut.”

Eachtimeachildisborninourextendedfamily,thekidswanttoknowwhatI’mgoingtocallthenewestmember.It’satraditionwealllove.Why?Becauseeveryone enjoys the encouragement that comes from someone seeing—andspeakingto—theirpotential.


I sometimesencounter leaderswhobelieveyoushouldn’t strokepeople’segosbygivingthemreputationstheyhaven’tquiteearned.AndIalwayspointthesefolks to the “ten-year rule.” It’s derived from research showing that eliteperformers, thosewhose reputations precede them, usually needed at least tenyearsofdedicatedandconsistentpracticebeforetheyobtainedanyrecognizablelevel of excellence. The research also shows that the process can be cutdramatically when individuals see signs that they are already beginning toachievearecognizablereputation.4


Forgetabout:

Aperson’sfailuresinthepastandfocusonhisorherpotentialinthefuture.

Ask:

Whatisspecial,unique,andwonderfulaboutthisperson?HowcanIshowittoothers?

Doit:

Backupyourhighopinionofapersonwithactionthatreinforcesthatopinion.

thatreinforcesthatopinion.

Remember:

Manypeoplegofartherthantheythoughttheycouldgobecausesomeoneelsebelievedtheycouldandtoldthemso.

7

SAYTHERIGHTWORDS

ATTHERIGHTTIME

Nomanhasaprosperitysohighorfirm,butthattwoorthreewordscandisheartenit;andthereisnocalamitywhichrightwordswillnotbeginto

redress.

—RALPHWALDOEMERSON


Ask nearly anyone who knows John well, and he will tell you a story of aspecifictimewhenJohnsaidtherightwordstohimattherighttime.Oneofthemost touching I heard while working on this book came from Dan Reiland,John’sclosefriendandformerright-handman.“Johnhasdonethissoofteninmy life,” explainedDan. “But the time that stands out above all the others iswhenmymotherdied.”

Herdeathwassuddenandunexpected.DanpromptlygotwordtoJohn,whowasoutoftownatthetime.JohnandMargaretquicklychangedtheirplansandflew back home to SanDiego.Dan recalled, “John andMargaret came in the

doorofourhouseinRanchoSanDiego,walkedrightuptome,gavemeabighug,andsaid,‘Iloveyou.’Thatwasit.There’snothinganyonecouldhavedonethatwouldhavebeenbetter.”DantoldmethatJohnalsosaidmanywisethingstohisbrother,Lan,andgreatlyencouragedhissister,Jean.IcouldtellthatDanwasstilltouchedbyiteventhoughithadoccurrednearlyadecadeago.

“And Johngave a beautifulmemorial service,” rememberedDan. “Hegavemehisnotesafterward,whichIcherish.IvalueeverythingJohndidduringthattime,butnothingquiteholdsthepowerofthosethreewordsatthatverymomentwhenhewalkedthroughthatdoor.”

PeoplewhohavenotbeenaroundJohn“upcloseandpersonal”aresometimessurprisedtofindouthowgoodheisatsayingtherightwordsattherighttime.They’re used to his public persona as a speaker, where he also excels atcommunication and timing. But what they may not realize is that John is agenuineencouragerwholovestohelppeopleandwhoreallyunderstandsthem,bothon-andoffstage.

IrememberhearingJohnspeaktoanaudienceofmanagersaboutthevalueofwhatwesayandwhenwesayit.Hesaid...

Thewrongwordssaidatthewrongtimediscourageme.

Thewrongwordssaidattherighttimefrustrateme.

Therightwordssaidatthewrongtimeconfuseme.

Therightwordssaidattherighttimeencourageme.

I’ve certainly found that to be true inmyown life.Haven’t you?The rightwordsattherighttimearelikeasoothingbreezeofencouragement.


Mostpeoplerecognizethatwordshaveincrediblepower.EditorandtheologianTyronEdwardsobserved,“Wordsarebothbetterandworsethanthoughts;they

expressthem,andaddtothem;theygivethempowerforgoodorevil;theystartthemonanendlessflight,forinstructionandcomfortandblessing,orforinjury,sorrowandruin.”Butsayingtherightwordsisnotenough.Timingiscrucial.

Sometimes,thebestthingwecandoforsomeoneelseistoholdourtongue.Whentemptedtogiveadvicethat’snotwanted,toshowoff,tosay“Itoldyouso,” or to point out another’s error, the best policy is to say nothing. Asnineteenth-centuryBritishjournalistGeorgeSalaadvised,weshouldstrive“notonly to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult, to leaveunsaidthewrongthingatthetemptingmoment.”

Whenitistimetospeakup,howcanyoubestencourageothersusingtherightwordsattherighttime?Keepthesethoughtsinmind:

BESENSITIVETOTIMEANDPLACE

It’ssaidthatduringoneofthelastmajoroffensivesofWorldWarII,GeneralDwight Eisenhower was walking near the Rhine and came upon a GI whoseemeddepressed.

“Howareyoufeeling,son?”heasked.

“General,”theyoungmanreplied,“I’mawfulnervous.”

“Well,” Eisenhower said, “you and I are a good pair then, because I’mnervous too. Maybe if we just walk along together, we’ll be good for eachother.”

Thefirstkeytosayingtheright thingat theright timeispayingattentiontothe context. That is one of the secrets of successful communication to a largeaudience, and it is just as important when talking with someone one-on-one.KingSolomonofancientIsraelwasspeakingtothistruthwhenhewrote,“Likeapplesofgoldinsettingsofsilverisawordspokeninrightcircumstances.”1Ifyoucanlearntobesensitivetoyoursetting,you’vewonhalfthebattleinsayingtherightwordsattherighttime.

“Likeapplesofgoldinsettings

“Likeapplesofgoldinsettingsofsilverisawordspokeninrightcircumstances.”

—KINGSOLOMONOFISRAEL

SAYITFROMTHEHEARTIt’s not justwhat you say andwhen you say it: it’s alsohowyou say it.A

PeanutscomicstripshowsLucysayingtopianistSchroeder,“DoyouthinkI’mthemostbeautifulgirlintheworld?”Naturally,shehastoaskseveraltimesindifferentways,untilSchroeder,tobefinallyridofher,says,“Yes.”

Lucymopesdisconsolatelyandcomments,“Evenwhenhesaysit,hedoesn’tsayit.”

People can tell the difference between hollowwords and something that issaid from the heart. Idaho businessmanDonBennettwas the first amputee toclimbto thesummitofMountRainier.That’s14,410feet,onone legand twocrutches! During an especially difficult portion of the climb, Bennett and histeam had to cross an ice field. To get across the ice, the climbers had to putcrampons on their boots, whichwould give them traction. Unfortunately, onebootdidn’thelpBennettmuch.Theonlywayhecouldgetacross the ice fieldwas to fall face forward onto the ice, pull himself as far forward as he could,standup,andthenfallforwardagain.

Bennett’steenagedaughter,Kathy,waswithhimontheclimb.Shestayedbyhissidethroughtheentirefour-hourstruggle.Shekeptcheeringhimon,saying,“You can do it,Dad.You’re the best dad in theworld.You can do it!”2Hisdaughter’swords,spokenfromtheheart,helpedhimtokeepgoing.

RECOGNIZETHEPOWEROFTHERIGHTWORDSATTHERIGHTTIME

Sayingtherightwordsattherighttimecandomorethanjustmakeaperson

feelgoodinthemoment.Itcanhaveanimpactthatispositiveandlasting.

PainterBenjaminWest said thathe loved topaintasayoungster.Whenhismotherleftthehouse,hewouldgetouttheoilsandtrytopaint.Onedaywhenhe pulled out paints, brushes, paper, and various other implements, he madequite a mess. When he realized his mother would be home soon, he trieddesperately to get everything cleaned up, but he didn’t make it. When shewalkedintotheroom,heexpectedtheworst.

Westsaidthatwhatshedidnextcompletelysurprisedhim.Shepickeduphispainting, lookedat it, andsaid,“My,whatabeautifulpaintingofyour sister.”Shegavehimakissonthecheekandwalkedaway.Withthatkiss,Westsaid,hebecameapainter.

Idon’tknowwhatkindofexperienceyouhadgrowingup.Perhaps,likeme,you had parents who understood the power of encouragement. If not, whatwouldyouhavegiventohavesomeonespeakintoyourlifeattherighttime—aparent, teacher,coach,orpastor?Whetherornotyoureceivedit then,youcangiveitnow.Lookforopportunitiestoupliftotherswithyourwords.Itjustmightchangetheirlives.


Numerousstudiesbackupthatwhenyousaytherightwordsat theright time,thereareanumberofpositiveoutcomes.Oneofthemostimportantoutcomesistrust.Whenyoucanoffersomethingtoapersonatthepointofhisorherneed—evenwhenthatpersonisastranger—youareverylikelytobecometrustedandseen as honorable. You will be seen as someone who is dependable andconsiderate.3Isn’tthatencouraging?

ToapplyJohn’steachinginyourownlife...

Forgetabout:

Whatyouwanttosayandfocusonwhattheotherpersonneedstohear.

Ask:

WhatwouldIwanttohearifIwasinthisperson’sshoes?

Doit:

Changesomeone’sday—ormaybeevenhisentirelife—bysayingtherightwordsattherighttime,fromtheheart.

Remember:

“Likeapplesofgoldinsettingsofsilverisawordspokenintherightcircumstances.”

8

ENCOURAGETHE

DREAMSOFOTHERS

Keepawayfrompeoplewhotrytobelittleyourambitions.Smallpeoplealwaysdothat,butthereallygreatmakeyoufeelthatyou,too,canbecome

great.

—MARKTWAIN


WhenIbegantalkingtoJohn’sofficestaff,oneofthethingsIfoundoutisthathereceivesdozensof letterseveryweekthankinghimfor thepositivechangesthathavecomeasa resultofhisbooks, seminars, and lessonsonCD. I askedSueCaldwellifIcouldseesomeoftheletters,andshehandedmeathickfolderthatcontainedsomethatshehadsharedwiththestaff.AsIflippedthroughthepages, I noticed howmany times people hadwritten about hopes and dreamsbeingrekindledinthem.

TwolettersjumpedoutatmebecausetheyreferredtothingsthatoccurredataconferenceforyoungChristianleadersatwhichJohnhadspoken.Thefirst,from

Kevin,said:

Thankyou!Withoutbeingoverlydramatic,Icannotbegintotellyouhowmuchvalueyouhaveaddedtomylifeoverthepastsixyears.Iwasoneofthe5,500emergingleaderswhoattended“Catalyst”thispastweek...IfeellikeGodansweredmyprayerasyoupouredoutyourhearttousduringyour session . . .You said, “Iwishyoubelieved inyourself asmuchas Ibelieve inyou.”ThatisthefirsttimeIhaveheardthatfromanyoneinyourgeneration.Itwastremendouslyempoweringtohear.

Thesecondone,writtenbyMatt,said:

Overthepastfewmonths,Ihadbecomeverydiscouragedandresignedmyselftothefactthatthedream[Ihadpreviouslypursued]wasdying.ThenIcametoCatalyst‘03.Totallyunexpectedlytome,GodmovedinmyheartandreassuredmeHisplanwasstillalive.Whenyouprayedoverusduringthesession,Icouldnotstopweeping.YourwordsweredirectlyfromGod’shearttomine.Iwillneverforgetthatmoment...Thanksforimpactingmylife.

Mattwentontosaythathehadrededicatedhimselftohisdreamandwouldpersevereduringthispreparationperiodofhislife.

As I talked to John’s employees and associates, I discovered that he hadrepeatedly encouraged their dreams, even when that meant he might losesomeonehevalued.OftenwhenTimElmore—apastor on John’s staff inSanDiegoformorethantenyears—wasrecruitedbyanotherorganization,hewouldgotoJohnandaskhimto“takeoffhisemployerhatandputonhismentorhat”so that he could ask John’s advice. Tim says that John could be remarkablyobjective, and several times he actually encouraged Tim to pursue it, saying,“This justmightbeagoodfit foryou. Idon’twantyou tohaveregrets ifyoudon’tgoandseeaboutit.Ithinkyoushouldgo.”

OneofthosetripseventuallytookTimawaywhenheacceptedapositionasavicepresidentofaparachurchorganizationinColorado.AndJohnwasnothingbut encouraging. He truly wanted Tim to realize his dreams and fulfill hispotential.


Iconsideritagreatprivilegewhenpeoplesharetheirdreamswithme.Itshowsagreatdealofcourageandtrust.Andat thatmoment,I’mconscious thatIhave

great power in their lives. That’s no smallmatter.Awrongword can crush aperson’sdream;therightwordcaninspirehimorhertopursueit.

Ifsomeonethinksenoughofyoutotellyouabouthisorherdreams,takecare.Andkeepthesethingsinmindasyouworktoencouragethatperson:

UNDERSTANDTHATDREAMSAREFRAGILE

ActressCandiceBergencommented,“Dreamsare,bydefinition,cursedwithshortlifespans.”Isuspectshesaidthatbecausetherearepeoplewhodon’tliketo seeotherspursuing theirdreams. It reminds themofhow far theyare fromliving their own dreams. As a result, they try to knock down anyone who isshooting for the stars. By talking others out of their dreams, critical peopleexcusethemselvesforstayingintheircomfortzones.

“Dreamsare,bydefinition,cursedwithshortlifespans.”

—CANDICEBERGEN

Never allow yourself to become a dream killer. Instead, become a dreamreleaser.Evenifyouthinkanotherperson’sdreamisfarfetched,that’snoexcuseforcriticizingthem.

TOLOSEADREAMISAGREATLOSS

Haveyougivenupononeofyourdreams?Haveyouburiedahopethatoncelooked bright and gave you energy? If so, what did it do to you? NormanCousins, former editor of the Saturday Review and adjunct professor ofpsychiatryatUCLA,believed,“Deathisnotthegreatestlossinlife.Thegreatestlossiswhatdiesinsideofuswhilewelive.”

“Deathisnotthegreatestlossinlife.Thegreatestlossiswhatdiesinsideofuswhilewelive.”

—NORMANCOUSINS

Ourdreamskeepusalive.BenjaminFranklinobserved,“Mostmendiefromtheneckupatagetwenty-fivebecausetheystopdreaming.”That’swhyit’ssoimportantthatyouhelpkeepothers’dreamsalive.Bydoingso,youcanliterallyhelpthemlive.Encouraginganotherperson’sdreamcannurturehersoul.

ENCOURAGINGOTHERSINTHEIRPURSUITOFADREAMISTOGIVETHEMAWONDERFULGIFT

Becausedreamsareat thecenterofoursouls,wemustdoeverythinginourpower tohelp turndreams intoreality.That isoneof thegreatestgiftswecanevergive.Howcanyoudoit?Followthesesixsteps:

1.Askthemtosharetheirdreamwithyou.Everyonehasadream,butfewpeopleareaskedaboutit.

2.Affirmthepersonaswellasthedream.Letthepersonknowthatyounotonlyvaluehisorherdreambutthatyoualsorecognizetraitsinthatindividualthatcanhelphimorherachieveit.

3.Askaboutthechallengestheymustovercometoreachtheirdream.Fewpeopleaskothersabouttheirdreams;evenfewertrytofindoutwhatkindsofhurdlesthepersonisupagainsttopursuethem.

4.Offeryourassistance.Nooneachievesaworthwhiledreamalone.You’llbeamazedbyhowpeoplelightupwhenyouoffertohelpthemachievetheirdream.

5.Revisittheirdreamwiththemonaconsistentbasis.Ifyoureallywanttohelpotherswiththeirdreams,don’tmakeitaone-timeactivityyoumarkoff

yourlist.Checkinwiththemtoseehowthey’redoingandtolendassistance.

6.Determinedailytobeadreambooster,notadreambuster.Everyonehasadream,andeveryoneneedsencouragement.Setyourmentalradartopickuponothers’dreamsandhelpthemalong.

PEOPLEWILLLIVEUPTOTHEIRDREAMSWHENTHEYHAVEACHANCETOFULFILLTHEM

ScottAdams,creatorofthepopularDilbertcartoon,tellsthisstoryabouthisbeginningsasacartoonist:

Youdon’thavetobea“personofinfluence”tobeinfluential.Infact,themostinfluentialpeopleinmy life probably arenot even awareof the things they’ve taughtme.When Iwas trying tobecome a syndicated cartoonist, I sent my portfolio to one cartoon editor after another—andreceivedonerejectionafteranother.OneeditorevencalledandsuggestedthatItakeartclasses.ThenSarahGillespie,aneditoratUnitedMediaandoneoftherealexpertsinthefield,calledtooffermeacontract.At first, Ididn’tbelieveher. I asked if I’dhave to changemystyle,get apartner—or learnhow todraw.But shebelieved Iwasalreadygoodenough tobeanationallysyndicated cartoonist. Her confidence in me completely changed my frame of reference andalteredhowIthoughtaboutmyownabilities.Thismaysoundbizarre,butfromtheminuteIgotoffthephonewithher,Icoulddrawbetter.

EditorSarahGillespiegaveAdamsachancetoliveouthisdream,butbecausesomanypeoplehadtriedtodiscouragehim,hewasalmostafraidtosayyes.Butbecauseofherencouragement—andtheopportunityshegavehim—Dilberthasbecomeoneofthemostpopularcartoonsinthenation.

There isno tellingwhatmighthappen ifyouwere tobeginencouraging thedreams of the people around you. When you come to the end of your life,wouldn’tyoulovetobethepersonaboutwhomotherssay,“Isucceededbecausethispersonbelievedinmewhennobodyelsedid”?Startencouragingothers.Themoreyoudo,themoretheywillsharetheirdreamswithyou.Andthegreaterthechanceyouwillgettowatchthembloom.


In case you fear that encouraging people’s dreamswill simply cause them tokeeptheirheadsintheclouds,researchrevealsthatthispracticedoesmorethan

cause individuals to seek something positive in the future. It actually causesthem to bemore engaged in their present activities. Technically speaking, it’scalledthe“resonanceperformancemodel,”butwhateveryoucallit,youcan’tgowrongbyencouragingthedreamsofothers.


Forgetabout:

Critiquinganotherperson’sdream.Instead,affirmhisloftyvisionandhispursuittorealizeit.

Ask:

WhocanIencouragetodayinreachingtheirdreams?

Doit:

Offerspecifichelpinbringinganotherpersonclosertomakinghisorherdreamareality.

Remember:

Whenapersonshareshisorherdreamwithyou,itisthecenterofthatperson’ssoul.

9

PASSTHECREDIT

ONTOOTHERS

Ifeachofusweretoconfesshismostsecretdesire,theonethatinspiresallhisplans,allhisactions,hewouldsay:“Iwanttobepraised.”

—E.M.CIORAN


OneofmyfavoritetopicsofconversationwithJohnispublishing.We’vetalkedabout it for nearly two decades now. Whether book ideas, titles, marketingcampaigns,publishers,bookstoreshelfspace,oragents,wehavebandiedaboutnearlyeveryconceivableaspectoftheindustry.AndsinceJohnhasbeenoneofthemost successful authors in the area of leadership and soldmore than ninemillion books, I’m always intrigued to learn about the ins and outs of hispublishingexperiences.

SometimeagoJohnandIwerebothspeakingataconferenceinVirginia,andbetweensessionsIaskedhimtopinpointapublishinghighlightinhiscareer.

“That’satoughone,Les,”hetoldme.“I’vebeenblessedinwaysIcouldhaveneveranticipated.”

“Surelysomethingstandsout,”Igentlypressed.

“Well, when The 21 Laws of Leadership sold one million copies, ThomasNelson,thepublishinghouse,hostedacelebrationbanquetforabout120peoplefrom their company and Injoy to mark the occasion. They gave me somebeautifulgiftsthatnight,includingthese.”Johnpulledupthesleeveofhisjacketandpointedtothegoldcufflinkshewaswearing,eachbearingthenumber“21.”“Whatanhonorthateveningwas.”

Sometime later, I spoke to a few of the peoplewho attended that banquet,including John’s wife, Margaret. She said that when John got up to addresseveryone, he expressed his gratitude and quickly started crediting the peoplewhohadhelpedmake ithappen.He toldhowVictorOliverhadcomeupwiththeoriginalconceptforthebookandhadprovidedthetitle.HecreditedagroupofkeyleadersatInjoywhohadhelpedhimhonethelaws.HethankedCharlieWetzel, his writer, for being the book’swordsmith. He thanked Ron Land ofThomas Nelson and Kevin Small and the Injoy team for putting together thebooktourthathelpedputThe21LawsontheNewYorkTimes’sbest-sellerlist.He thanked publisher Mike Hyatt, the Nelson sales and marketing staff, thebooksellers, and many other individuals, including his parents. Margaret saidthatbythetimeJohnfinished,therewasn’tadryeyeintheroom.

Makingabooksuccessfulandgettingitintothehandsofpeopleitcanhelpisalwaysateameffort,thoughnotallauthorsseeitthatway.Everybodyinvolvedintheprocesshasaparttoplay,andJohndidhisbesttopassalongthecreditbyrecognizingeachperson’scontribution.


I’ll never forget that night inOrlando.When Iwrotemy first book in1979, Ineverdreamed that anything Iwrotewould sell amillion copies.AsMargaretand Iwent back to our hotel room, she askedmewhat I considered to be thehighlightofthebanquet.WithouthesitationIrepliedthatitwaspassingonthe

credittothepeoplewhohelpedmesomuch.Rarelydowegetanopportunitytosay thank you enough to the peoplewho help us, especially in such a publicsetting. I reallywanted tomake themostof it.Notonlydoes itmakeme feelgoodtoshareanysuccessImighthave,butitupliftsothers—anditmakesthemfeellikeamillionbucks.

Passingthecreditontoothersisoneoftheeasiestwaystowinwithpeople.Ifyou’dliketopracticeit,hereareafewsuggestionstogetyoustarted:

CHECKYOUREGOATTHEDOOR

Thenumberone reasonpeopledon’tpassalongcredit toothers is that theythink it will somehow hurt them or lessen their value. Many people are soinsecurethattheyconstantlyfeedtheiregostocompensateforit.Butyousimplycannot practice thismethod ofwinningwith people if you can’t set your egoaside.

Haveyou ever heard the saying “An egotist is not a personwho thinks toomuchofhimself;it’ssomeonewhothinkstoolittleofotherpeople”?Ifyouwantto give others credit, put your focus on others.What do they need?Howwillgiving them credit make them feel? How will it enhance their performance?How will it motivate them to reach their potential? If you highlight theircontributions,itmakesthemandyoulookgood.

“Anegotistisnotapersonwhothinkstoomuchofhimself;it’ssomeonewhothinkstoolittleofotherpeople.”

DON’TWAIT—PASSTHECREDITASAP

I love what H. Ross Perot once said about passing on credit: “Rewardemployeeswhilethesweat’sstillontheirbrow.”Isn’tittruethatoneoftheverybest times to give credit to others is when the amount of work and sacrifice

something took is still fresh in theirminds?Whywait?Youmay have heardmanagement expert Ken Blanchard’s teaching that you should catch peoplewhile they’re doing something good.What a great idea! The sooner you givecredittosomeoneelse,thebiggerthepayoff.

In2003,when I interviewedUCLAbasketball coach JohnWooden,he toldmehowhewouldoftenteachhisplayerswhoscoredtogiveasmile,wink,ornodtotheplayerwhogavethemagoodpass.“Whatifhe’snotlooking?”askeda team member. Wooden replied, “I guarantee he’ll look.” Everyone enjoyshavinghiscontributionacknowledged.

SAYITINFRONTOFOTHERS

You’vealreadyreadthechapterthatencouragesyoutocomplimentpeopleinfrontofotherpeople,butitbearssayingagain.Whenyougivecredittoothersinfront of their peers and loved ones, the value of your complimentmultiplies.FormerNewYorkYankeesplayerandmanagerBillyMartinobserved,“There’snothinggreater in theworld thanwhensomebodyon the teamdoessomethinggoodandeverybodygathersaroundtopathimontheback.”Bygivingcreditinacrowd,youcanhelptocreatethekindofenvironmentMartindescribed.

PUTITINPRINT

Whenyougivepeoplecreditverbally,youuplift themforamoment.Whenyoutakethetimetoputitinwriting,youhavethepotentialtoupliftthemforalifetime.Peopleputplaqueson theirwallsas remindersof theirachievements.They save and cherish letters containing recognition and praise for thingsthey’vedone.Deepdown,everyonewantstomakeadifference,andsomedays,everyoneisinneedofsomeencouragement.

Ihaveafileinmyofficewithlettersandnotesthathavespecialsignificanceforme.Everynowand then, I’ll pull out the file and read someof the thingspeople I respect have told me. It allows me to relive that moment ofencouragement. It’ssaid thatevenPresidentAbrahamLincolnused tocarry inhispocketanewspaperclippingextollinghisaccomplishmentsaspresident.Hewasoneofthefinestleadersinournation’shistory,yethedesiredsomethingto

keephisspiritsup.

Please don’t underestimate the impact that an article, a public notice, or apersonal note canmake.What takes you only a fewminutes towritemay besomethingthatinspiresanotherpersonfordecades.

ONLYSAYITIFYOUMEANIT

Ilovethisoldjoke:Asanoldmanlaydying,hiswifeofmanyyearssatclosebyhisbed.Heopenedhiseyesandsawher.“Thereyouare,Agnes,”hesaid,“atmysideagain.”

“Yes,dear,”shereplied.

“Lookingback,”theoldmansaid,“Irememberallthetimesyouwerebymyside.YouweretherewhenIgotmydraftnoticeandhadtogoofftofightinthewar.Youwerewithmewhenourfirsthouseburnedtotheground.WhenIhadthe accident that destroyedour car, youwere there.Andyouwere atmy sidewhenmybusinesswentbankruptandwelosteverycentwehad.”

“Yes,dear,”hiswifesaid.

Theoldmansighed.

“Itellyou,Agnes,”hesaid,“you’vebeenarealjinx.”

Itmayseemobvious,butIwanttogoaheadandsayitanywaysothatI’mnotmisunderstood.Youshouldneversaysomethingyoudon’tbelievejusttoupliftsomeone. If you’re not sincere, you don’t make people feel good; you makethemfeelthey’rebeingschmoozed.Whenyoupasscreditontoothers,youneedtodoitfromtheheart.


Passing credit along to coworkers or colleagues is more than mere niceness.Accordingtoresearch,whenyoupasscreditalongtoothers,youactuallychangetheirbiochemistryandcreatean“emotionalstamp” that foreverassociatesyou

intheirmindswiththeirsuccess.


Forgetabout:

Yourego.Focusonthepeoplearoundyouandthecredittheydeserve.

Ask:

WhohasmadememoresuccessfulthanIwouldhavebeenonmyown?

Doit:

Publiclypassalongcreditforasuccessfulendeavortoasmanypeopleasyoucan.

Remember:

Ifeachofusweretoconfessourmostsecretdesire,wewouldsay:“Iwanttobepraised.”

10

OFFERYOURVERYBEST

IdotheverybestIknowhow—theverybestIcan;andImeantokeepondoingsountiltheend.

—ABRAHAMLINCOLN


Formanyyears now I’ve received the leadership lessonson tape andCD thatJohndoeseverymonth.Afterlisteningtoonetitled“Preparation:TheSeparationBetweenWinningandLosing,”IhadtoaskJohnaquestion.

“I loved the teaching, and I pulled some nuggets from it that have reallyhelpedme,” I said, “but I need to ask you a question. Do you really believepreparationisthatimportantinaperson’slife?”

“Absolutely,” John answered. “It really does make the difference betweenwinnersandlosers.Preparationismorethanjustadiscipline.It’sanattitude,awayof life.Myfatherused toquote theBibleverse thatsays, ‘Whateveryourhandsfindtodo,doitwithallyourmight.’Inotherwords,inwhatyoudo,inwhatyouhave,offeryourverybest.ItrytoembracethatineverythingIdo.”

I’vewatchedJohnforyears,andIbelievethat’strue.Everythinghedoes,hedoeswithexcellence.But it’salsomore than that.Whilewewereworkingonthisbook,wehadameetinginSanDiegowhereJohnwasspendingsometimewhileawaitingthebirthofhisfourthgrandchild.

Whenweweredone,JohntookustodinnerathisfavoriterestaurantinSanDiego—Peohe’s, which has excellent food and an even better view. It’s onCoronado islandand is situatedon thebayacross thewater fromSanDiego’sbeautifulskyline.

The hostess seated us outside right by the water, and John and Margaretimmediatelytookthetwoseatsfacingtherestaurantsothateveryoneelseinthepartycouldenjoytheviewofthebay.Duringourmeetingearlierinthedayinanocean-view room, Johnhadalso satwithhisback to thewindow,allowingotherswhowerevisitingfromotherpartsofthecountrytoenjoytheview.Andneither time had it been by accident. I know John: he always thinks throughwhat’sgoingtobehappeningatameetingandpickshisseatcarefully.Hehadtakentheworstseatbecausehewantedtoofferallofustheverybest.


ForyearsI’vebeeninvitedtobe thekeynotespeakerfororganizationsat theirspecial events. It’s something I really enjoy. Communicating to an audienceenergizesme.Itwouldbeeasyformeto“wingit”ordoacannedspeechthatIhavedoneelsewherebefore.ButIneverdothatbecauseIdon’tbelieveitwouldserve themwell. Instead, I spend time researching the company. I find out asmuchasIcanabouttheparticulareventthey’veplannedandwhattheydesiretoaccomplish. You may wonder why I would go to such trouble when I don'tnecessarilyneedto.IdoitbecauseIhaveagoaleverytimeIspeak.AfterI’mdone communicatingwith the audience, I want the personwho invitedme tospeakattheeventtosay,“Youexceededourexpectations.”Iwanttodeliverforthem...andthensome.

Perhapsyouaresomeonewhoalreadypossessesanoffer-your-bestmind-set.Ifso,Icommendyou,andIwanttoencourageyoutomaintainthatattitude.If

not,Ihopethefollowingthoughtswillhelpyoudevelopthatmind-set:

ANYONECANBEANIMPORTANTPERSONTOME

Wearemostlikelytogiveourbesttothoseweloveandrespect.Ithinkbacktomydays inschool,and I remember lovingsome teachersandhavingotherswholeftmecold.IknowthatIalwaysdidmybestfortheteachersIliked,andfortheothersIdidonlywhatwasneededtogetagrade.Later,Irealizedthatmyoff-and-on efforts frequently hurt my relationships with others as well as mypotential for success.But then I discovered the antidote: if I saw everyone asimportant—notjustthepeopleIlikedthemost—Iwouldalwaysoffermyverybest.Thatchangeinattitudepromptedachangeinmyactions.

ANYTHINGWEDOCANBEMADEIMPORTANT

Most moments in life become special only if we treat them that way. Theaveragedayisaverageonlybecausewedon’tmakeitsomethingmore.Themostexcellent way to elevate an experience is to give it our best. That makes itspecial. An average conversation becomes something better when you listenwith great interest. A common relationship transforms when you give ituncommoneffort.Anunremarkableeventbecomessomethingspecialwhenyouspice it upwith creativity.You canmake anythingmore important by givingyourbesttoit.

YOUCANBECOMEIMPORTANTTOANYONE

Whoarethemostimportantpeopleinyourlife?Aretheytheoneswhonevergiveyouthetimeofday,whoneverseemtobetherewhenyouneedthem?Ofcoursenot.Usuallythepeoplewhoareimportanttoyouaretheoneswhotreatyouasimportant.Wenaturallyvaluethepeoplewhovalueus.Soifyouwanttobeimportanttoothers,treatthemasimportant.Themosteffectivewaytodothatistogivethemyourverybest.

MAKETHEMOSTOFYOURGIFTSANDOPPORTUNITIES

MorethanthirtyyearsagoImemorizedaquotethathasshapedthewayIlive:“My potential isGod’s gift tome.What I dowithmy potential ismy gift toHim.” I believe I am accountable to God, others, and myself for every gift,talent,resource,andopportunityIhaveinlife.IfIgivelessthanmybest,thenIam shirking my responsibility. I believe UCLA coach John Wooden wasspeaking to this ideawhenhesaid,“Makeeverydayyourmasterpiece.” Ifwegiveourverybest all the time,wecanmakeour lives into something special.Andthatwilloverflowintothelivesofothers.

There’sastoryI loveaboutPresidentDwightEisenhower.Heonce told theNationalPressClubthatheregrettednothavingabetterpoliticalbackgroundsothathewouldbeabetterorator.Hesaidhislackofskill inthatarearemindedhimofhisboyhooddaysinKansaswhenanoldfarmerhadacowforsale.Thebuyer asked the farmer about the cow’s pedigree, butterfat production, andmonthlyproductionofmilk.Thefarmersaid,“Idon’tknowwhatapedigreeis,andIdon’thaveanideaaboutbutterfatproduction,butshe’sagoodcow,andshe’llgiveyouallthemilkshehas.”That’sallanyofuscando—giveallthatwehave.That’salwaysenough.

“MypotentialisGod’sgifttome.WhatIdowithmypotentialismygifttoHim.”


Atremendousamountofrecentpsychologicalresearchhasfocusedonthevalueofvirtues.Andexpertsarefindingthatwhenpeoplestrivetowardexcellenceincharacter traits—forexample,when theywork topossessagivingspirit—theyroutinely benefit themselveswhile in the process of benefiting others. This isknown in the field as cultivating “fulfillments.”1One hardly needs a researchstudy,however, toknow thatwhenyougiveyourverybest,youarebound tofeelfulfilled.


Forgetabout:

Doingtheminimumrequiredtogetby,andfocusinsteadonyourmaximumeffort.

Ask:

WhatcanIdoforsomeonewhocouldneverrepayme?

Doit:

Voluntarilygivebeyondwhatisrequired.

Remember:

Everybodyappreciatesapersonwhogiveshisverybest.

11

SHAREASECRET

WITHSOMEONE

Concealnotyoursecretfromyourfriend,oryoudeservetolosehim.

—PORTUGUESEPROVERB


In1996Johnmadeamajordecisionconcerninghiscompany,andforatimeletonlyafewpeopleinonit.CharlieWetzelwasoneofthem.Here’swhatCharliehastosayaboutwhatthatdidforhimandhisrelationshipwithJohn:

OnedayJohnaskedmetocomeuptohishomeofficesothatwecouldworkonourcurrentbookproject.We had a very productivework session, and afterwewere done, John said, “Charlie,beforeyougo,Iwanttotalktoyouaboutsomething.”

Whenanemployeehearsthosewordsfromhisboss,hetakesnotice.Sometimesthewordsthatfollowincludethephrases“tougheconomy,”“poorperformance,”or“you’refired!”

Johncontinued,“Inabouttwelvemonths,we’regoingtomovethecompanyoutofSanDiego.We’renotgoing to announce it to all the staff yet, but I’m telling thepeopleon the executiveteam—myinnercircle—aboutthemovesothattheycanbeginprocessingtheinformation.We’regoingtobemovingtoAtlanta.”

JohnwentontoexplainthatflyingoutofSanDiegowastakingitstoll,notonlyonhim,butalsoontheconsultantswhoworkedforthecompany.WhenJohnhadaskedhisassistant,LindaEggers, to calculate howmany days he spent the previous year justmaking flight connectionsfromSanDiego toDallas,Chicago,orAtlanta,Lindacamebackwithamind-boggling figure:thirtydays!That’swhenJohnknewhehadtomakeamove.

Thatwasalotofinformation,soIstartedprocessingit.ThenJohnsaid,“Charlie,Isurehopeyou’llcomewithus.”

Johnspoketomeforprobablyonlytwominutes,butwhathecommunicatedchangedmylife.AtthattimeIhadbeenworkingwithJohnforabouttwoyears,andwehadalreadywrittenfiveorsixbookstogether.Ihadworkedhardforhim,andJohnhadalwaysbeenlavishwithhispraise.ButIhadno ideahevaluedmeasmuchashedid.Onceheshared thissecret,myplace inhisestimation,inmycareer,andeveninmyowneyeschanged.

Johnhasdonea lotofwonderful thingsformyfamilyandme through theyears.He isverygenerous,andmanyofthosethingshavecosthimalotoftimeandmoney.Sharingthesecretofourmove cost him nothing, yet itmade a huge impact onme. Itmademe feel like amillionbucks.

It’s not a secret how powerful sharing with another person can be. It’s asurefirewaytowinwithpeople.


A Sicilian proverb says, “Only the spoon knows what is stirring in the pot.”Whenyouallowanotherpersontoknowwhatisstirringwithinyou,givinghima“taste”ofaplanoridea,youinstantlymakeameaningfulconnectionwithhim.Whodoesn’twant toknowwhat’sgoingon in themindofsomeone theycareabout?

ReadingCharlieWetzel’s storymightmake you think that sharing a secretwith someone always has to be a big dealwith life-changing ramifications. Itdoesn’t.Of course,when you let people in on something impacting, itmakesquite an impression.Butyoucanmake sharing a secret part of your everydaylifeusingeverydaythings.Thefirsttimeyousharesomethingwithothers,aren’tyousharingsomethingthathasbeensecretuptothatmoment?Whynotletthepersontowhomyou’retalkingknowthatyou’rerevealingitforthefirst time?Thatmakeshimfeelspecial.

Sharing a secretwith someone is really amatter of two things: reading the

contextofasituationanddesiringtobuilduptheotherperson.Ifyoudothosetwothings,youcanlearnthisskill.Asyoutryitout,keepthesethreethingsinmind:

1.SHARINGASECRETMEANSGIVINGVALUABLEINFORMATION.

Whenyoushareasecret,theinformationneedstobesomethingthatthepeopleyou’retalkingtocareabout.Itplaystotheirinterestsormeetsafeltneedtheypossess.Forexample,twoexperienceddeep-seafishermendecidedtogoicefishing.Theyeachchoppedholesintheice,putwormsontheirhooks,droppedtheirlinesintothewater,andwaited.Afterthreehours,theyhadcaughtnothing.

Astheysat,theywatchedaboycomealongandcutaholeintheicemidwaybetweenthem.Heputawormonhishook,droppedhislineintothewater,andalmostinstantlyhecaughtafish.Theboyrepeatedtheprocessandquicklyhadacatch of more than a dozen fish. The two other fishermenwatched and wereflabbergasted.

Finally, one of themen approached the boy and said, “Youngman, we’vebeen here formore than three hours and haven’t caught a single fish.You’vecaughtatleastadozeninjustafewminutes.What’syoursecret?”

Theboymumbledananswer,butthemandidn’tcatchawordofit.Thenhenoticedalargebulgeintheboy’sleftcheek.“Please,couldyoutakethebubblegumoutofyourmouthsoIcanunderstandwhatyou’resaying?”themansaid.

Theboycuppedhishands,spatitout,andsaid,“It’snotbubblegum;it’smysecret.You’vegottokeepthewormswarm.”

2.SHARINGASECRETMAKESPEOPLEFEELSPECIAL.

Lettingpeopleinonsomethingalwaysbooststheiregos.Charlie’scommentsays it all: “I had no idea he valuedme asmuch as he did.My place in hisestimation,inmycareer,andeveninmyowneyeschanged.”ButasIsaid,thesecretdoesn’talwayshavetobedramatictohaveapositiveeffect.Forexample,when I play golf, I usually carry a laminated card withme that contains tipsgiventomebygolfproScottSzymoniak.Occasionallyifafriendinthegroupis

notplayingwell,I’llpullhimasideandsay,“Iwanttoshareasecretwithyouthathasreallyhelpedmygolfgame.”ThenI’llpulloutthecardandshowhimthesixbasicthingsagolfermustknowanddo.AndI’ll lethimknowthat it’smypersonalgolfplanandthatIdon’tshareitwitheverybody.

Howdoesitmakeyoufeelwhenyouknowthatyou’rethefirstpersonbeingtoldsomething?Iknowitmakesmefeelspecial.That’soneofthereasonsmywife,Margaret, and Ihavepracticed tellingeachother first aboutmanyof thethingsthathappentousduringtheday.Tohelpmedothat,IcarryanotecardorsmallpadandjotdownthingsIwanttotellher.AnythingIwritedownI“save”totellherfirst.Itleadstospecialtimestogethereveryday.

3.SHARINGASECRETINCLUDESOTHERSINYOURJOURNEY.

Thebottomlineonsharingasecretwithothersisthatitisanactofinclusion.It invites others into your life, into your experience. It includes them in yoursuccess.WhenIspeaktoanaudience—whetherit’saroundtableofexecutivesoranarenafullofpeople—Iintentionallyuseinclusivelanguage.Iletpeopleinonmypersonaljourney.AndwhenI’mrevealingsomethingI’venotpreviouslysaidpublicly,IletthemknowthatI’mdoingso.ItcommunicatestopeoplethatIcareaboutthemandwanttohelpthem.

Thebottomlineonsharingasecretwithothersisthatitisanactofinclusion.


When people are “in the know,” according to research, a slew of positiveattributesarecorrelatedwiththeirlives.Forexample,theyarefarmorelikelytofeelthattheirjobsfittheirambitions.Theyaremorelikelytobeactiveinpublicservice. They have patterns of rich friendships and happier marriages.Researcherscallthisan“adaptivementalmechanism.”1

Whateverterminologyyouuse,itturnsoutthatwhenyoushareasecretwithothers, you are doing far more than imparting mere information. You areincreasingtheoddsofacloserrelationship.


Forgetabout:

Hoardinginformationforyourself.

Ask:

WhomcanIbenefitmostbylettingtheminonsomeotherwiseprivateinformation?

Doit:

Findsomeonetoletinonasecrettoday.

Remember:

Sharingasecretwithsomeoneisboundtoboosttheirself-esteem.

12

MINETHE

GOLDOFGOOD

INTENTIONS

Toerrishuman;toforgiveisnotcompanypolicy.

—UNKNOWN


Doyoueverstruggletogivepeoplethebenefitofthedoubt—tominethe“gold”oftheirgoodintentions?IknowIdo.EspeciallywhenIthinkthey’vedroppedthe ball or tried to hurt me. But if you’re like me, you also know that thistendencycanbeacostlyinterpersonalmistakeifyouwanttowinwithpeople.Sowhen I confessed this fauxpas to Johnoneday, he immediately identifiedwithwhat I said. But he also toldme how he had learned to give people thebenefitofthedoubt:hewatchedhismother.

“Momknewmyheartandshealwaysevaluatedmybehavior in lightof it,”John explained. “Todaywhen I say to someone, ‘I didn’tmean to do that,’ I

oftenwishthattheywould‘minethegoldofmygoodintentions’likemymomdid.Herabilityandwillingnesstodothisinmylifewasatremendousgift—andit’shelpedmetogivethebenefitofthedoubttoothers.”

“Areyousayingyourmomlookedpastallyourmistakes?”Iasked.

John laughed. “Definitely not. Like every other kid, I gotmy fair share ofreprimands.Andtrustme,Ideservedthem!ButMomneverseemedtojumptoconclusionswithme.Sheneverassumedtheworst.Instead,shealwaysassumedthebest.Andthat’skeytocultivatingthisquality.

“Yousee,”Johncontinued,“itdidsomanythingsforme.”Hecountedthemoff:“Itallowedmetodrawclosetoher.Itmadeherapproachable.Itbroughtoutthebestinme.Andittaughtmehowtodothisforothers.”

“Okay,John,”IaskedasIconsideredhiswords,“doyouthinkthatapersonwhowasn’traisedinahomewherethiskindofqualitywasmodeledisgoingtohaveatoughertimedoingthisforothers?”

“Les,Idon’treallythinkso,”hesaid.“Sure,apersonwhosehomelifewasn’tpositivewon’thaveseenitmodeled,sothatpersonmaynotdoitnaturally.Butwhenitcomesrightdowntoit,givingothersthebenefitofthedoubtisachoice.AndI’veseenalotofpeoplewhogrewupwithfewadvantagesriseabovethatandbecomewinnersineverysenseoftheword.”

Thatgiveseveryonehope.


Let’s start bybeinghonest.Not everyonehaspure intentions. If youmine thegoldof good intentions, occasionally peoplewill take advantageof you.Theyhave inmy life.And theywill in the future.Butbecause I assume thebest inothers, somanypeoplehavedone somanywonderful things forme I literallycannotcountthemall.

I’vefoundthatwhenIamsuspiciousofothers,itcausesmetodisplaywrong

behaviortowardthem.Anditactuallymakesanyinteractionwiththemworse.Ingeneral,yougetwhatyouexpectfromothers.SoIhavechosentotakethehighroad, expect thebest, andbeblessedmostof the time. Ifyoudesire todo thesame,dothefollowing:

BELIEVETHEBESTABOUTPEOPLE

Thefirstthingyouneedtodoischeckyourattitude.Howdoyouseeothers?Doyoubelievethat,deepdown,everypersondesirestobegood,todohisbest?That matters, because if you don’t believe the best in others, you will neverbelieve that their intentions are good. And if you don’t believe in theirintentions, I imagineyouwillnotexert theeffort to“mine” thegold that is inthem.

SEETHINGSFROMTHEIRPERSPECTIVE

Theissueofperspectivereallyhastodowithmaturity.ConsiderthestoryoftwoCubScoutswhoseyoungerbrotherhadfallenintoalake.TheyrushedhometoMotherwith tears in theireyes.Oneof themsobbed,“Wetried togivehimCPR,buthekeptgettingupandwalkingaway.”

Without maturity, we lack perspective. The less mature one is, the moredifficultitistoseethingsfromanother’spointofview.Thinkaboutthebiblicalstory of the woman caught in adultery where Jesus challenged the peoplewithoutsintocastthefirststone.Theoldestpeopleinthecrowdwerethefirsttodrop their stones and walk away. Why? Their maturity gave them betterperspective.1

“Sincewetendtoseeourselvesprimarilyinlightofourintentions,whichareinvisibletoothers,”saidphilosopherJ.G.Bennett,“whileweseeothersmainlyinthelightoftheiractions,whichareallthat’svisibletous,wehaveasituationinwhichmisunderstanding and injustice are the order of the day.”And that’spreciselywhytheabilitytoseethingsfromanother’sperspectiveisessentialto

findingthegoldoftheirgoodintentions.

GIVEPEOPLETHEBENEFITOFTHEDOUBT

Whenyouwereachild,perhapsyouweretaughttheGoldenRule:“Dountoothers as youwould have themdo unto you.” I’ve often found thatwhenmyintentionswererightbutmyactionturnedoutwrong,Iwantedotherstoseemein light of the Golden Rule. In other words, I wanted others to give me thebenefitofthedoubt.Whyshouldn’tItrytoextendthesamecourtesytoothers?

FrankClarkcommented,“Whatgreataccomplishmentswewouldhaveintheworldifeverybodyhaddonewhattheyintendedtodo.”WhileI’dagreethat’strue, I’d also add, “What great relationshipswewould have if everybodywasappreciatedforwhattheyintendedtodo—inspiteofwhattheymayhavedone.”When you give someone the benefit of the doubt, you are following themosteffectiveinterpersonalrulethathaseverbeenwritten.

“Sincenothingweintendiseverfaultless,andnothingweachievewithoutsomemeasureoffinitudeandfallibilitywecallhumanness,wearesavedbyforgiveness.”

—DAVIDAUGSBURGER

REMEMBERTHEIRGOODDAYS,NOTTHEIRBADONES

Weallhavegooddaysandbaddays.Idon’tknowaboutyou,butI’dliketoberememberedformygoodones.AndIcanonlyasktobeforgivenformybadones.FullerTheologicalSeminaryProfessorDavidAugsburgerobserves,“Sincenothing we intend is ever faultless, and nothing we achieve without somemeasure of finitude and fallibility we call humanness, we are saved byforgiveness.” If youdesire tomine the gold of good intentions in others, thenforgiveness is essential. And it’s rarely a one-time thing. Civil rights leader

MartinLutherKingJr.wasrightwhenhesaid,“Forgivenessisnotanoccasionalact;itisapermanentattitude.”

“Forgivenessisnotanoccasionalact,itisapermanentattitude.”

—MARTINLUTHERKINGJR.

And remember, it iswith the attitudewithwhichyou judgeothers that youwillalsobejudged.Ifyouminethegoldofgoodintentionsinyourrelationshipwithothers,thenpeoplewillmorelikelydothesameforyou.


If you grew up in an environment where the worst was assumed about youinsteadofthebest,takeheart.Aresearchstudythatfollowedchildrenforthirtyyears found that exceptional and caring adults often emerged from difficultchildhoods.Whatmadethedifference?Twoqualitiesstoodout:(1)theyfoundanurturing relationship somewhere along the line—whether it was amentor orotherkindofrolemodel,and(2)theyhadadesiretohelpotherpeople.2


Forgetabout:

Justice;instead,focusongraceandforgiveness.

Ask:

HowwouldIfeelandwhatwouldIdoifIwereinthisperson’sshoes?

Doit:

PracticetheGoldenRulebyappreciatingwhatothers

intend,notonlywhattheydo—justasyouwouldlikeforthemtodowithyou.

Remember:

IfIfailtobelievethebestinothers,Iwillnotgivetheeffortto“mine”thegoldcontainedinthem.

13

KEEPYOUREYES

OFFTHEMIRROR

Idon’tknowwhatyourdestinywillbe,butonethingIknow:theonlyonesamongyouwhowillbereallyhappyarethosewhohavesoughtandfound

howtoserve.

—ALBERTSCHWEITZER


SoonafterJohnrelocatedhiscompaniesfromSanDiego,California,toAtlanta,Georgia, in 1997, he hired researcher George Barna to fly to Atlanta and dosomestrategicplanningwiththeexecutiveteam.BarnaistheleadingdirectoroftheBarnaGroup,afull-servicemarketingresearchcompanylocatedinVentura,California. Their expertise is in tracking cultural trends and collectinginformationontheChristianchurch.

TheleadersandtopthinkersfromJohn’scompaniesgatheredtogetherintheconference room for an all-day session where they could ask Barna anythingtheywanted to help them plan business andmarketing strategies for the next

several years. It took everyone no time at all to dive in and begin pickingBarna’sbrain.Heansweredquestionafterquestion.Theybrainstormedconceptsand strategies.And they bounced ideas off ofBarna to see if he thought theywouldfly.

LindaEggers,John’slongtimeassistant,noticedthatduringthelongsessions,Johnlistenedattentivelybutrarelychimedin.Heseemedcontenttojustlisten.Attheendoftheday,whensheandJohnsatdowntoattendtocalendaritems,correspondence, travelarrangements,and the like,Lindanoticed that JohnhadanentirelegalpadofquestionsforGeorgeBarnathathehadneverasked.

Lindawas surprised—especially since she had bookedBarna and she knewexactlyhowmuchJohnhadpaidfortheconsultation.

“John,youjustleteveryoneelsetalktoday,”sheremarked.“Whydidn’tyouaskhimanyofyourquestions?”

“Youknowwhat,Linda?”Johnsaid.“EverybodywasobviouslyveryexcitedaboutmeetingwithGeorge,anditwassoenergizingtothem,Ididn’twanttodoanythingtoruinthemomentum.Itdoesn’tmatterthatIdidn’tgetmyquestionsanswered.Someothertime.”

LindasaysthatisoneofthereasonsshelovesworkingforJohn.“Iknowthatbecauseheseemslargerthanlifeandhassuchcharismainfrontofanaudience,”Lindasaid,“therearepeopleouttherewhothinkhehasabigego.Theyhavenoideahowmuchhethinksaboutothersandputsthemfirst.”

Ifyoufocusonothers,continuallyworkingtogivethemwhattheyneed,thenyouareabletokeepyoureyesoffthemirror.Andthat’sawonderfulwaytowinwithpeople.


One of the key questions I ask in my book Winning with People is theConnection Question: Are we willing to focus on others? The foundationalconceptfor thatquestionis theBigPicturePrinciple,whichstates:“Theentire

population of the world—with one minor exception—is composed of otherpeople.”Ifyou’veneverthoughtoflifeinthoseterms,thenit’stimetogiveitatry.Ifindividualsthinktheyarethecenteroftheuniverse,notonlyaretheyinfor a big disappointment when they discover it’s not true, but they’ll alsoalienate themselves from everyone around them. I’ve nevermet a person thattrulywinswithotherpeoplewhohasnotmastered theability tokeephiseyesoffthemirrorandserveotherswithdignity.

Mostpeoplewouldreadilyadmitthatunselfishnessisapositivequality,andeven the most egocentric individual possesses the desire, deep down, to helpothers.Theproblem,sometimes,ischangingourbehaviorsothatwegetinthehabitoffocusingonothers insteadofonourselves.Hereareafewthoughts tohelpyouremembertokeepyoureyesoffthemirror:

FOCUSINGONOTHERSCANGIVEYOUASENSEOFPURPOSE

Ifyougrewupinthe1950sand’60s,youmayrememberDannyThomas,theentertainer who starred in the TV show Make Room for Daddy. Thomasobserved, “All of us are born for a reason, but all of us don’t discover why.Success in lifehasnothing todowithwhatyougain in lifeor accomplish foryourself.It’swhatyoudoforothers.”

Not only did Thomas believe that, but he also lived it. As a successfulentertainerandtelevisionstar,hecouldhavedonenothingbutenjoythebenefitsof his achievement. But he desired something more. He founded St. Jude’sHospital, a research facility that focuses on treating childrenwho suffer fromcatastrophicdiseases.AndThomasdedicatedmuchofhislifetosupportingit.Ithelpedhimenjoyagreaterpurpose.

FOCUSINGONOTHERSCANGIVEYOUENERGY

Continualfocusonyourselfcanactuallydrainyouofenergy,whilefocusingonotherscanhavetheoppositeeffect.MyfriendBillMcCartneyknewthisbackwhen he was head football coach for the University of Colorado Buffaloes.CoachMachadheardthatmostpeoplespend86percentoftheirtimethinkingaboutthemselves,butonly14percentoftheirtimethinkingaboutothers.Yethe

knew instinctively that if his players focused their attention on someone theycaredaboutinsteadofjustonthemselves,awholenewsourceofenergywouldbeavailabletothem.

In 1991 CoachMac decided to use this informationwhen he was facing agreat challenge. Colorado was scheduled to play its archrival, the NebraskaCornhuskers,onNebraska’shometurf.TheproblemwasthatColoradohadnotwonagamethere in twenty-threeyears.ButCoachMcCartneybelieved inhisteamandlookedforawaytoinspirethemtoachieve.Intheend,hedecidedtoappealtotheirloveofothers.

Hediditbychallengingeachplayertocallanindividualhelovedandtellthatpersonhewasdedicating thegame tohimorher.CoachMacalsoencouragedtheplayerstoaskthatpersontowatcheveryplay,knowingthateveryhit,everytackle,everyblock,andeveryscorewasbeingdedicatedtohimorher.

CoachMacalsotookonemorestep.Hearrangedtodistributesixtyfootballswiththegame’sfinalscorewrittenonthem,sothateachplayercouldsendaballtotheindividualhehadchosen.

The Colorado Buffaloes won the game. The final score written on thefootballswas27to12.”

FOCUSINGONOTHERSCANGIVEYOUASENSEOFCONTENTMENT

I’mtoldthatpsychologicalresearchshowsthatpeoplearebetteradjustedandmorelikelytofeelcontentiftheyserveothers.Servingothersactuallycultivateshealth and brings about happiness. People have instinctively known that forcenturies—evenbefore thescienceofpsychologywasformallydeveloped.Forexample,lookatthewisdom(andhumor)foundinthisChineseproverb:

Ifyouwanthappinessforanhour—takeanap.

Ifyouwanthappinessforaday—gofishing.

Ifyouwanthappinessforamonth—getmarried.

Ifyouwanthappinessforayear—inheritafortune.

Ifyouwanthappinessforalifetime—helpothers.

Youcanactuallyhelpyourselfbyhelpingothers.

Remember that, and it will help you to take—and keep—your eyes off themirror.


Someresearcherscallitthe“ultraself”andconsideritthehallmarkofwisdom.Itrefers to a sense of serenity that allows one to focus on others from anemotionally secureplace. It is free frompetty jealousyandcompetitiveness. Ittakesgenuinejoyinanother’ssuccess.Andstudyafterstudyshowsittobeoneofthemostimportantwaystomakemeaningfulconnectionswithothers.1


Forgetabout:

Tryingtofindhappinessbytendingtoyourownneedsfirst.

Ask:

WhatcanIdotoforgetmyselfandfocusonothers?

Doit:

Setyourneedsasideanddosomethingspecific,today,thatwillhelpyoukeepyoureyesoffthemirror.

Remember:

Successinlifehaseverythingtodowithwhatyoudoforothers.

14

DOFOROTHERSWHAT

THEYCAN’TDOFOR

THEMSELVES

Youhavenotlivedtodayuntilyouhavedonesomethingforsomeonewhocanneverrepayyou.

—JOHNBUNYAN


Earlyon,JohngaveaboosttomyspeakingcareerwhenheopeneddoorsIcouldhaveneveropenedmyself.Onhisrecommendation,Iwasstandingonspeakingplatforms around the country, addressing audiences of several thousand at atime.Thepeoplewhobookedtheeventsdidn’tknowme; theyknewJohnandtrustedhisendorsementofayoungspeakerwhowasjustgettingstarted.

Thatwasfifteenyearsago,andI’mjustasgratefulnowforwhatJohndidformeinthoseearlydaysasIwaswhenitfirsthappened.Johngavemesomething

that I could have never gotten without him—a launch to my professionalspeakingcareer.

CountlesspeoplecouldtellstoriesofhowJohnextendedhimselfinsomewaytohelpthemalongpersonallyorprofessionally.WhenItalkedtoTimElmore,alongtimefriendandemployeewhoisnowavicepresidentofEQUIP,hesaid,“It’shardformetonarrowitdown.Johnhasdonesomanythingsforme,andIowehimsomuch.”

Hethoughtforamomentandthentoldmethis:

MaybesomethingmorepersonalwillreallyshowyouJohn’sheart.JohnandIwereinBangalore,India,toteachleadership—atrip,Imightadd,thatIwouldnothavegottentotakeifJohnhadn’thiredmeatEQUIP.Beforeweleftthecountry,mywife,Pam,askedJohntokeepaneyeonmebecauseI’mdiabetic.Ifmybloodsugarleveldropssuddenly,Igetdisoriented,IhavenocluethatI’mgettingintotroublephysically,andIusuallyneedtogotoahospitalforhelp.Itcanbescary—especiallywhenyou’reoverseas.

WhenwegottoIndia,Johnwasreceivedlikearockstar!Youwouldn’tbelievethewaypeopletreatedhim.Overseas,peoplewaitinlinesliterallyforhourstomeethimandhavehimsignhisbooks. Anyway, John taught a session in Bangalore, and the crowd was going nuts, and thepeople were all crowding around him, and what does he do? He pushes his way through thecrowd, grabs the kitwithmy diabetic supplies, and checks up onme tomake sure I’mnot introuble.

That probably sounds like a small thing but it’s hard to believe that anybodywould not getcaughtup in thatkindofmomentandwould instead focusonsomebodyelse’sneeds. It reallyrevealsJohn’sheartanddesiretodoforothers.

Timgotchokedupashetoldmethelastpart.Iwastouchedbyhisstory.Butthere’ssomethingthatmadeanevengreaterimpressiononme.AllthepeopleItalkedtoabout thisquality inJohnsaidthat theydesiredtodoforotherswhatJohndid for them.Because theyhavebeenhelped todo things theyotherwisecouldn’tdoontheirown,they’reinspiredtogiveothersaboost.


Ambassador and poetHenryVanDyke observed, “There is a loftier ambitionthanmerely to standhigh in theworld. It is to stoopdownand liftmankindalittlehigher.”Whatagreatperspective!Doingforotherswhattheycan’tdofor

themselvesisreallyamatterofattitude.IbelievethatwhateverI’vebeengivenistobesharedwithothers.AndbecauseIhaveanabundancemind-set,Ineverworryaboutrunningoutmyself.ThemoreIgiveaway,themoreIseemtogettogiveaway.

Nomatterhowmuchorhowlittleyouthinkyouhave,youhavetheabilitytodoforotherswhattheycannotdoforthemselves.Exactlyhowyoudothatwilldependonyouruniquegifts,resources,andhistory.However,youcanapproachthetaskbythinkingintermsoffourareas:

“Thereisaloftierambitionthanmerelytostandhighintheworld.Itistostoopdownandliftmankindalittlehigher.”

—HENRYVANDYKE

1.INTRODUCEOTHERSTOPEOPLETHEYCAN’TKNOWONTHEIROWN.

Mydad,MelvinMaxwell,hasdonemanyincrediblethingsformeduringthecourseofmylife.Oneofthethingsthatimpactedmemostwashisintroducingmetogreatmen.Asateenager,ImetNormanVincentPeale,E.StanleyJones,andotherexceptionalmenofthefaith.AndbecauseIhaddeclaredmyintentiontogointotheministry,myfatheraskedthesepreacherstoprayforme.Ican’texpressinwordswhatthatdidforme.

Today,Iamofteninapositiontodoforotherswhatmyfatherdidforme.Ilove introducing young people to my heroes. I love helping people makebusinesscontacts.ThereareoftentimeswhenImeetsomeone,andaswetalk,itjusthitsme:Ineedtointroducethispersontoso-and-so.Thatcanmeanwalkingsomebody across the room, making a phone call on his or her behalf, orarrangingameeting.Severalyearsago,IwastalkingtoAnneBeiler,thefounderof Auntie Anne’s, the pretzel company, and she mentioned in passing thatChick-fil-A’sfounder,TruettCathy,wasoneofherheroes.SinceIknewTruett,

Iofferedtointroducethemtoeachother.Ihostedadinnerpartyforthematmyhouse,anditwasagreatnight.

Please don’t get the impression that you have to know someone famous tohelp others in this area. Sometimes it’s as simple as introducing one friend toanother or one business associate to another. Just make connections. Be thebridgeinpeople’srelationshipswithothers.

2.TAKEOTHERSTOPLACESWHERETHEYCAN’TGOONTHEIROWN.

Earlyinourmarriage,MargaretandIweredirtpoor.Rightoutofcollege,Iputinlonghoursformycareer,andMargaretworkedthreejobsforustomakeendsmeet.Andwedidmanagetogetby,buttherewasnomoneyleftoverforluxuries,suchasvacations.Fortunately,Ihadanolderbrotherwholovedusandtookcareofus.Thefirstfiveorsixyearsofmyprofessionallife,anyvacationwetookwasat theinvitationofLarryandhiswife,Anita.Awonderful triptoAcapulco,Mexico,especiallystandsoutinmymind.

Itseemsthatduringthefirsthalfofmycareer,ifIgottogoanywhereofvaluetome,itwasbecausesomeoneinvitedme.DozensoftimesI’vehadexperiencesthat I could not have gained access to on my own: I’ve gone to ball games,playedgolfcourses, seenchurches,attendedconferences,andvisitedcountriesthatappearedtobebeyondmyreach.

You may have the power to give someone an experience that seemsinaccessibletothem.Ifyoucan’thelpafriendorcolleague,thenstartwithyourfamily.Take your children places they could not go on their own.There’s notellingwhatkindofpositiveimpactitwillmake.

3.OFFEROTHERSOPPORTUNITIESTHEYCAN’TEACHONTHEIROWN.

Les mentioned that I helped him to reach larger audiences early in hisspeakingcareer.Thesamethingwasdoneforme.Nearlytwenty-fiveyearsago,ProfessorC.PeterWagnerofFullerSeminaryinvitedmetospeaktoaudiencesofpastorsaroundthecountryaboutleadership.Heputmeonanationalstagefor

thefirsttimeandgavemecredibilitythatIdidn’tpossessonmyown.

Few things are of greater value to a prepared person than an opportunity.Why? Because opportunities increase our potential. Demosthenes, the greatoratorof ancientGreece, said, “Small opportunities areoften thebeginningofgreat enterprises.” An opportunity seized is often a source of success. Helppeoplewinbygivingthemopportunities,andyouwillwinwiththem.

“Smallopportunitiesareoftenthebeginningofgreatenterprises.”

—DEMOSTHENES

4.SHAREIDEASWITHOTHERSTHATTHEYDON’TPOSSESSONTHEIROWN.

What is an idea worth? Every product begins with an idea. Every servicebeginswith an idea. Every business, every book, every new invention beginswithanidea.Ideasarewhatmaketheworldmoveforward.Sowhenyougivepeopleanidea,yougivethemagreatgift.

Oneof the things I love aboutwritingbooks is theprocess that it takesmethrough. It usually startswith a concept that I’manxious to teach. I get a fewideasdownonpaper,andthenIcalltogetheragroupofgoodcreativethinkerstohelpmetesttheconcept,brainstormideas,andfleshouttheoutline.Everytimewe’vedonethis,peoplehavegivenmegreatideasthatIneverwouldhavecomeupwithonmyown.IhavetosayI’mverygrateful.

Oneof the thingsIenjoymostaboutcreativepeople is that they love ideas,andtheyalwaysseemtohavemorecoming.Themoretheygiveaway,themorenewideastheyseemtohave.Creativityandgenerosityfeedeachother.That’soneofthereasonsI’mneverreluctanttoshareideaswithothers.I’mconvincedthatIwillrunoutoftimelongbeforeIrunoutofideas.It’sbettertogivesomeaway and contribute to another person’s success than to have them lying

dormantinme.


When you do something for others that they can’t do for themselves, you arefostering relationships with those individuals that are sure to be meaningful.Studiesonwhatresearcherscallthe“self-determinationtheory”haveshownthatsupporting other people’s goals cements the relationship, since you areultimatelyhelpingthemtoaligntheirgoalswiththemselves.1


Forgetabout:

Focusingonwhatyoucangetfromothersandfocusinsteadonwhatyoucandoforothers.

Ask:

Whatopportunity,idea,orexperiencecouldIprovidethatsomeonemightneverbeabletohavewithoutmyhelp?

Doit:

Considerspecificthingsyoumightbeabletodoforothersbymakingalistofyouruniqueskills,resources,andconnections.

Remember:

Weallneedotherstodoforuswhatwecannotdoforourselves.

15

LISTENWITH

YOURHEART

Themostimportantthingincommunicationistohearwhatisn’tbeingsaid.

—PETERDRUCKER


Asapsychologist,I’vebeentrainedtolistenforpeople’sfeelings,notjusttheirideas.AndI’veobservedthatmanyleaders—especiallystrongoneswithtype-Apersonalities—arenotparticularlygoodat listening.When theydo listen, theirattitudeisusually,Nevermindthedeliverystory,justshowmethebaby.

IwouldconsiderJohntobeaprettystrongperson.Hecanbeatake-charge,take-no-prisoners kindof leader.But he is also an effective listener.Andhe’sparticularlyadeptatsensinghowpeoplefeel.Sincethatcharacteristicisunusualformostpeoplelikehim,Iaskedhimhowhecametobesuchagoodlistener.

“Failure,”washisanswer.“Repeatedfailure.Istartedoutasaterriblelistener.Earlyinmycareer,IthoughtIknewitall.TheonlyreasonIletpeopletalkwasthatIknewmyturntotalkwascoming.

“In my marriage, I was a little bit better,” John continued. “I very muchwanted to listen toMargaretbecauseofmy love forher.However, thatdidn’tstopmefrombeingMr.AnswerMan.InWinningwithPeople,ItellabouthowIusedtowinargumentsbutrunoverheremotionally.Finally,understandinghowIwashurtingherfeelingscausedmetostopwhatIwasdoingandlearnhowtolisten—notjust tothewords,but tothefeelingsbehindherwords.I learnedtolistenwithmyheart.”

“Sohowdidyoumakethetransferfromhometoyourcareer?”Iasked.

“IsawthevalueinitfromthewayMargaret’sandmyrelationshipchanged.But Ialsocame to realize that itwasgood leadership too.PresidentWoodrowWilsonsaid,‘Theearoftheleadermustringwiththevoicesofthepeople.’Foracoupleofyears,wheneverIwasinameeting,Iwrotealarge‘L’atthetopofmylegalpadtoremindmyselftolisten.Intime,itbecameaskillImastered.”

Ifyouarealreadyagoodlistener,youareaheadofthegame.Allyouhavetodo is listen “between the lines” for cues thatwill tell you how others feel. Ifyou’remorelikeJohn,itmaytakeyousometimetolearntheskilloflisteningwith your heart. But anyone can do it—you don’t need to be a trainedpsychologist!


Ifyouareapoorlistener,asIwas,thendothefollowingtotransformyourselfintosomeonewholistenswiththeheart:

FOCUSONTHEPERSONHerb Cohen, often called the world’s best negotiator, says, “Effective

listeningrequiresmorethanhearingthewordstransmitted.Itdemandsthatyoufindmeaning andunderstanding inwhat is being said.After all,meanings arenot inwords, but in people.”Many people put their focus on the ideas beingcommunicated,and theyalmostseemto forgetabout theperson.Youcan’tdo

thatandlistenwiththeheart.

I am naturally very impatient, so I continually have to fight against thetendencytoputmyagendafirst.Ithinkthatisoftenthecasewithpoorlisteners.If that is true for you, slow down and put the person first. Focus on theindividual,notjusttheideasbeingexpressed.

UNCLOGYOUREARS

Even after you have begun to focus on the person with whom you areconversing, you may still experience many potential barriers to effectivelistening.Hereareafewofthem:

Distractions—Phonecalls,TV,pagers,andthingsofthatsortcanmakegoodlisteningnearlyimpossible.

Defensiveness—Ifyouviewcomplaintsorcriticismasapersonalattack,youcan become defensive.Once you begin to protect yourself, youwill carelittleaboutwhatothersthinkorhowtheyfeel.

Closed-mindedness—When you think you have all the answers, you closeyourmind.Andwhenyoucloseyourmind,youcloseyourears.

Projection—Automatically attributing your own thoughts and feelings tootherspreventsyoufromperceivinghowtheyfeel.

Assumptions—When you jump to conclusions, you take away your ownincentivetolisten.

Pride—Thinking we have little to learn from others is, perhaps, the mostdeadlyofdistractionstolistening.Beingfullofyourselfleaveslittleroomforinputfromothers.

Obviously, your goal is to remove these barriers to good communication.Wheneverpossible,putyourselfinagoodphysicalenvironmentforlistening—away from noise and distractions. And also put yourself in a good mentalenvironmentforlistening—setasideyourdefensesandpreconceivednotionsso

thatyouareopentocommunication.

LISTENAGGRESSIVELY

There’s a difference between listening passively and listening aggressively.Tolistenwithyourheart,your listeninghas tobeactive.InhisbookIt’sYourShip(Warner,2002),CaptainMichaelAbrashoffexplainsthatpeoplearemorelikely to speak aggressively than to listen aggressively. When he decided tobecomeanintentionallistener,itmadeahugedifferenceinhimandhiscrew.Hewrote:

Itdidn’ttakemelongtorealizethatmyyoungcrewwassmart,talented,andfullofgoodideasthat frequentlycame tonothingbecausenoone inchargehadever listened to them.Likemostorganizations,theNavyseemedtoputmanagersinatransmittingmode,whichminimizedtheirreceptivity.Theywereconditionedtopromulgateordersfromabove,nottowelcomesuggestionsfrombelow.

Idecidedthatmyjobwastolistenaggressivelyandtopickupeverygoodideathecrewhadforimprovingtheship’soperation.Sometraditionalistsmightconsider thisheresy,but it’sactuallyjustcommonsense.Afterall,thepeoplewhodothenuts-and-boltsworkonashipconstantlyseethingsthatofficersdon’t.Itseemedtomeonlyprudentforthecaptaintoworkhardatseeingtheshipthroughthecrew’seyes.Somethinghappenedinmeasaresultofthoseinterviews.Icametorespectmycrewenormously.No longerwere theynamelessbodiesatwhich Ibarkedorders. Irealizedthatthey.. .hadhopes,dreams,lovedones,andtheywantedtobelievethatwhattheyweredoingwasimportant.Andtheywantedtobetreatedwithrespect.

There’sadifferencebetweenlisteningpassivelyandlisteningaggressively.Tolistenwithyourheart,yourlisteninghastobeactive.

As Abrashoff’s attitude changed, his crew transformed, his ship turnedaround,andtheresultswereastounding.

LISTENTOUNDERSTAND

The fundamental causeofnearlyall communicationproblems is thatpeopledon’t listen to understand; they listen to reply.DavidBurns, amedical doctorandprofessorofpsychiatryattheUniversityofPennsylvania,says:“Thebiggestmistake you can make in trying to talk convincingly is to put your highestpriorityonexpressingyourideasandfeelings.Whatmostpeoplereallywantistobelistenedto,respected,andunderstood.”Ifyouwanttomeetothers’needsandmakethemfeellikeamillionbucks,thenyouneedtolisten.

Oneoftheironiesofbecomingagoodlisteneristhatlisteningtoothersandmakingthemfeelunderstoodalsohasasidebenefit.AccordingtoBurns,“Themomentpeopleseethattheyarebeingunderstood,theybecomemoremotivatedtounderstandyourpointofview.”Listeningwiththeheartproducesawin-winsituationinrelationships.


Few relational topics have hadmore empirical support than the importance ofactive listening. Psychologists sometimes call it “listeningwith the third ear.”AndthebottomlineofmoststudiesshowsexactlywhatJohnisteaching.Whenwe listen for genuine understanding, we are no longer “playing the role” oflistening,butwearefullyinthemoment,andthepersonknowsit.1


Forgetabout:

Tryingtogetyourownpointacrossandputyourenergyintounderstandingtheotherperson’spoint.

Ask:

HowcanIbetterunderstandwhatthispersonisfeelingandthinking?

Doit:

Listenaggressivelybyeliminatingdistractionsandfocusingontheotherperson’spointofview.

focusingontheotherperson’spointofview.

Remember:

Thebestwaytopersuadeiswithyourears.

16

FINDTHEKEYSTO

THEIRHEARTS

Coacheswhocanoutlineplaysonablackboardareadimeadozen.Theoneswhosucceedarethosewhogetinsidetheirplayersandmotivatethem.

—VINCELOMBARDI


Whencommunicatorsspeaktoaudiences,afunnythingoftenoccurs.Youhavea clear purpose in mind, prepare your message carefully, and deliver it. Butwhenpeoplecomeuptoyoutotalkaboutwhatyousaid—eachpersonseemstohaveheardadifferentmessage.Itneverfails.

I asked John ifhehadexperienced the samephenomenon. “Absolutely,”heanswered.“WhenIfirststartedpreaching,Iwassurprised. Iused towonder ifeverybodyhadheardthesamesermon.Inaway, theyhadn’t.ThewordsIsaymaybethesameforeveryone,butthemembersoftheaudiencelistendifferentlybecausetheyallhavedifferentkeystotheirhearts.That’snotonlyagreatlessonfor a speaker, but it’s also important to remember anytime you work with

people.”

WheneverIspendtimewithJohn,Iseehimconnectwithpeopleattheheartlevel immediately.Forexample, theotherdaywhileIwaswithhim,JohnmetwithKirkNowery, thepresidentofoneofJohn’scompanies,ISS.Manytimeswhena leadermeetswithsomeonewhoworksforhim,heorshe immediatelygets down to business.But the first thing John didwas talk toKirk about hisfamily.Hewantedtoknowhowhiswifewasdoing.Heaskedabouttheirgrownchildren. John seemed to know all about Kirk’s family. And once they hadcaughtup,thentheytalkedbusiness.

John does this intuitively with everyone he knows. He asks about manypeople’sspousesandchildrenbyname.Heinquiresaboutwhat’shappeningataperson’s church or business. And he seems to remember the details. Why?Becausehemakes ithisgoal toknowwhat’s important to thepeoplewhoareimportant tohim.Andby theway,he isable toknowthese thingsbecausehelistenswithhisheart,asweexplainedinthepreviouschapter.


Inthe1980s,Ihadtheprivilege,alongwithaboutthirtyotherleaders,tospendtwo days with the father of modern management, Peter Drucker. One of thethingshesaidwas,“Leadingpeople is likeconductinganorchestra.Therearemany different players and instruments that the conductor must knowthoroughly.”Druckerchallengedustoreallyknowthekeyplayersonourteam.

Forthelasttwentyyears,Ihavepurposefullytriedtodiscoverthekeystothehearts of the people inmy life, startingwith the people inmy family andmyinnercircle.Here’swhatI’velearnedalongtheway:

ACCEPTTHEFACTTHATPEOPLEAREDIFFERENT

I’vewritteninpreviousbooksabouthow,whenIwasyoung,Iusedtobelievethateveryoneoughttobelikemeinordertobesuccessful.I’vematuredquiteabitsincethen.Someofmygrowthhascomeasaresultoftravelingandmeeting

many kinds of people. Books such as Florence Littauer’s Personality Plus(Revel,1992)havealsohelpedme.I’vecometorealizewithtimethatI’vegotmajor gaps in my skills and abilities, as everyone does, and if people withdifferenttalentsandtemperamentsworktogether,weallwinandgetalotmoredone.Wealsoenjoythejourneyoflifemuchmore.

If you have a healthy self-image, you may fall into the same trap I did.However, you cannot win with people if you secretly harbor the belief thateveryone ought to be more like you. Accept that people are different, andcelebratethatGodmadeusthatway.

FINDTHEKEYSTOTHEIRHEARTSBYASKINGQUESTIONS

It may seem fundamental, but asking a good question is essential todiscoveringthekeystoaperson’sheart.Throughtheyears,Ihavedevelopedalistofquestionsthathavehelpedmeinthisendeavortimeandtimeagain.Youmaywanttousethemtoo:

“Whatdoyoudreamabout?”Youcanlearnaboutpeople’smindsbylookingatwhattheyhavealreadyachieved,buttounderstandtheirhearts,lookatwhattheydreamofbecoming.

“Whatdoyoucryabout?”Whenyouunderstandpeople’spain,youcan’thelpbutunderstandtheirhearts.

“Whatdoyousingabout?”Whatbringspeoplejoyisoftenasourceoftheirstrength.

“What are your values?”When people give you access to their values, know that you haveenteredthemostsacredchambersoftheirhearts.

“What are your strengths?”Whatever people perceive as their strengths makes their heartsproud.

“Whatisyourtemperament?”Learnthat,andyouoftendiscoverthewaytotheirhearts.

Obviously,youdon’twantyourquestions to feel likean interview,andyoudon’t need to find out all of the answers in one sitting. The process can benaturalwhilebeingintentional.

ESTABLISHCOMMONGROUND

Our English word communication comes from the Latin word communis,whichmeans“common.”Effectiveleaders,communicators,andpeoplepersonsalwaysfindsomethingtheyhaveincommonwiththepeopletheyarespeakingto. It is on common ground that they connect with others. If you’ve askedquestionsandlistened,thenyouwillhavediscoveredcommonground.

Sometimesinmeetings,hiddenagendascanmakecommunicationineffectivebecausetheymakeitdifficultforpeopletomeetoncommonground.Whenthathappens,trysuggestingthatallpartiesagreetoasimplelittlegroundrule.Whenonepersondisagreeswithanother,beforehe’sallowedtomakehisownpoint,hehastounderstandandbeabletoarticulatehisopponent’spoint.Youwouldbeamazedathowquicklythispracticeputspeopleoncommonground.

REALIZETHATWITHTIME,PEOPLECHANGE

Itisamajorleapforsomepeopletotuneintoothers’dreamsanddesiresandtodiscover thekeys to theirhearts.But it’snotenough todo thatoncewithapersonandthenthinkyou’ve“gotit”forever.Timechangesallthings,includingthehumanheart.

Fred Bucy, former president of Texas Instruments, observed, “It is mucheasiertoassumethatwhatworkedyesterdaywillworktoday,andthisissimplynottrue.”What’seffectiveinmotivatingpeopleatonepointintheircareerswillnotnecessarilybeeffectiveinmotivatingthemlater.Whattouchestheirheartsatonestageoflifemaynotbethesameastheygrowolder.Successesandfailures,tragedies and triumphs, goals achieved and dreams laid to rest all make animpactonaperson’svaluesanddesires.

Sowhatdoesthatmeantosomeonewhowantstowinwithothersbyfindingthekeystotheirhearts?Itmeansyoushould...

STAY IN CONTINUAL CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS. Keepconnecting on the heart level. Ask about what has touched their hearts up tonow;iftheirresponsesaredifferent,thenyouknowtheyarechanging,andyouhaveanewopportunitytolearnaboutwhatmatterstothemnow.

LOOK FOR THE “CHANGE INDICATORS” OF A PERSON’S LIFE.

Therearecertaintimesinpeople’sliveswhentheyaremostlikelytochange:(1)whentheyhurtenoughthattheyhaveto,(2)whentheylearnenoughthattheywantto,and(3)whentheyreceiveenoughthattheyareableto.

Ifyoupracticethesetwodisciplines,especiallywithyourfamilyandthekeyplayersinyourorganization,you’llbeabletostayconnectedwiththem.

Ineedtotellyouonemorethingaboutfindingthekeystopeople’shearts,andthisisthemostimportantpoint:Onceyouhavefoundakeytoaperson’sheart,youmustactwithintegrity,becauseyouhavebeenentrustedwithsomethingofgreatvalue.Neveruseittomanipulatesomeone.“Turn”thekeyonlywhenyoucanaddvaluetothatperson.


Genuineconcernforothersisalifestylemorethanatechnique.Sure,youcanpractice the tips Johnsuggestsand find immediatebenefit,but theywillneverreallypayoffinyourrelationshipsuntilyoupracticethemconsistently.Infact,researchshowsthatinlearningtodevelopthisquality,youarefarmorelikelytoseeitbecomeapartofyourpersonalityifyouworkatitonadailybasis,ifyoumakeitareflexivehabitwiththepeoplearoundyou.1Inotherwords,thisneedstobesomethingyouaremorethansomethingyoudo.

Genuineconcernforothersisalifestylemorethanatechnique.


Forgetabout:

Yourinclinationtobelievethateveryoneis(orshouldbe)justlikeyou.

Ask:

What“changeindicators”haveIseeninthepersonwhoseheartI’dliketounderstand?

Doit:

Purposefullytrytodiscoverthekeystotheheartsofyourinnercircle.

Remember:

Leaderswhosucceedarethosewhounderstandtheheartsoftheirteam.

17

BETHEFIRSTTOHELP

Aftertheverb“tolove,”“tohelp”isthemostbeautifulverbintheworld.

—BERTHVONSUTTNER


“Les,whereareyou?”

“I justpassed theHoteldelCoronado, and I’mpulling into the complex,” Isaid.

“Whatcolorisyourrentalcar?”

“It’ssilver,”ItoldJohnovermycellphone.

“Okay,Icanseeyoucominguprightnow,”Johnsaid.

“Take an immediate right and you’ll see a parking space that is just nowopeningup.”

“Whereareyou?”Iasked.

“Look up.” John was standing on a balcony of the high-rise building onCoronadoislandinSanDiego.Hehadrentedacondo,andIhadjustflowninforadayofmeetingswithhim.

“Oh, thereyouare!” I started to laughas I sawhimwavingatme from thebalcony.OnlyJohnwouldthinkofactuallyscoutingoutparkingspacesfromabird’s-eyeviewsothathecouldmakeiteasierformetofindaspace.

I’velongknownthatofferinghelptoothersisakeytowinningwithpeople.It’s oneof the first lessons you’ll pickup in any social psychology class.ButJohn puts a new twist on it.He goes out of hisway to be helpful, andwhensomeone’sinneed,he’softenthefirstonthescene.

“Sometimes it’s the little things with John,” said employee Ken Coleman.“WhenI’mtravelingwithhim,I’veoftenseenJohnhelpsomeonestrugglingtoget his or her suitcases into the airplane compartment while most otherpassengersareobliviousandtryingtomaneuveraroundtheperson.Johnmakesa conscious effort to help in the moment. It seems to be an almost reflexiveactionwithhim.”

John’stwenty-six-yearcareerinministryprobablyhasmadeagreatimpactonhimin thisarea.Goodpastorsseemable to tunein topeople’sneeds.Butyoudon’thavetobeaprofessionalshepherdtoseepeople’sneedsandbethefirsttohelp. It’s the kind of thing that anyone can do—regardless of age, talent, orsocioeconomicstatus.


MyfriendZigZiglarsaid,“Youcangeteverythinginlifeyouwantifyouwilljusthelpenoughotherpeoplegetwhattheywant.”Zigiscertainlylivingproofofthat.Hehashelpedsomanypeople,andhehasbeenasuccessasaresult.

Ilikehelpingpeople.Ithinkit’soneofthereasonsGodputushereonearth.But helping others does more than benefit others. It also helps you win withthem. I say that because whenever you are quick to help others, it makes astatement.It’slikeleavingacallingcardtheywillneverforget.

“Youcangeteverythinginlifeyouwantifyouwilljusthelpenoughotherpeoplegetwhattheywant.”

—ZIGZIGLAR

So how do you become someone who is the first to help? Follow theseguidelines:

MAKEHELPINGOTHERSAPRIORITYWe are often so consumedwith our own agendas that helping others never

becomes important to us. The solution is tomake helping others part of youragenda—a top priority. I read recently about something Academy Award–winnerTomHanksdidyearsagoonthesetofTheGreenMilethatshowshowhelping others is a priority for him. Frank Darabont, director of the film,reflected on Hanks’s commitment to helping rising actor Michael Duncanachievehisbest,andtheimpressionithadonhim.Darabontsaid:

Fifteen, twentyyears fromnow,whatwill I remember [about filmingTheGreenMile]?Therewasonething—andI’llneverforgetthis:Aswe’reshooting,[thecamera]isonMichaelDuncanfirst, and I’m realizing that I’m getting distracted byHanks. Hanks is delivering anAcademyAward–winningperformance,off-camera,forMichaelDuncan—togivehimeverypossiblethingheneedsorcanusetodeliverthebestpossibleperformance.HewantedMichaeltodosowell.Hewantedhimtolooksogood.I’llneverforgetthat.1

TomHanks, like someotherHollywoodactors, couldhavebeen the first tobail out onDuncan. Instead hewas the first to help. It obviously paid off. In1999, Michael Clarke Duncan was nominated for an Academy Award in theBestActorinaSupportingRolecategory.AndDuncan’scareerhassincetakenoff.

MAKEYOURSELFAWAREOFPEOPLE’SNEEDS

This may sound obvious, but you can’t meet a need that you don’t know

exists.Eachofusmustbeginbycaringaboutthepeoplearoundusandlookingfor their needs.Sometimes that knowledge can come from listeningwithyourheart.Sometimesitcomesfromjustpayingattentiontowhat’sgoingonaroundyou. Other times it comes frommentally putting yourself in another person’splace.

ThereisaJewishlegendthatsaystwobrothersoncesharedafieldandamill,each night dividing the grain they had ground together during the day. Onebrotherlivedalone;theotherwasmarriedwithalargefamily.

Onedaythesinglebrotherthoughttohimself,Itisn’tfairthatwedividethegrainevenly.Ihaveonlymyselftocarefor,butmybrotherhaschildrentofeed.Soeachnighthesecretlytooksomeofhisflourtohisbrother’sstorehouse.

Butthemarriedbrotherconsideredhisbrother’ssituation,andsaidtohimself,Itisn’trightthatwedividethegrainevenly,becauseIhavechildrentoprovideformeinmyoldage,butmybrotherhasnoone.Whatwillhedowhenhe’sold?So every night he secretly took some of his f lour and put it in his brother’sstores.Asaresult,bothofthebrothersfoundtheirsupplyofgrainmysteriouslyreplenishedeachmorning.

Thenonenighttheymeteachotherhalfwaybetweentheirtwohouses.Theysuddenly realizedwhat the otherwas doing, and they embraced each other inlove.ThelegendisthatGodwitnessedtheirmeetingandproclaimed,“Thisisaholyplace—aplaceoflove—andhereit is thatmytempleshallbebuilt.”Thefirsttempleissaidtohavebeenconstructedonthatverysite.2

BEWILLINGTOTAKEARISK

Sometimeshelpinganotherpersoncanbeariskyproposition,yetthatshouldnotkeepusfromlendingahand.There’sastoryKenSutterfieldtellsfromthe1936OlympicGamesinBerlin,Germany,thatillustratestheimpactthatcanbemade by taking such a risk. Coming into the games, American sprinter JesseOwenshadsetthreeworldrecordsinoneday,includingaleapof26feet81/4inches in the running broad jump—a record that would stand for twenty-fiveyears.However,Owens faced great pressure during the games.Hitler and hisfellowNaziswanted touse thecompetition toestablishAryansuperiority,and

Owens,ablackman,couldsensethehostilitytowardhim.

AsOwenstriedtoqualifyforthefinalsduringthegames,hebecamerattledashe saw a tall, blue-eyed, blond German taking practice jumps in the 26-footrange.Onhisfirst jump,Owensleapedfromseveralinchesbeyondthetakeoffboard.Then he fouled on the second attempt.Hewas allowed only onemoreattempt.Ifhemissedit,hewouldbeeliminated.

The tallGerman approachedOwens and introduced himself.His namewasLuz Long. As the Nazis watched, Long encouraged Owens and offered himsomeadvice:sincethequalifyingdistancewasonly23feet51/2inches,Longsuggested thatOwensmake amark several inches before the takeoff board tomakesurehedidn’tfoul.Owensqualifiedonhisthirdjump.Inthefinals,hesetanOlympic record and earnedoneofhis fourgoldmedals.Andwhowas thefirstpersontocongratulateOwens?LuzLong!

OwensneverforgotthehelpLonghadgivenhim,thoughheneversawLongagain. “You couldmelt down all themedals and cups I have,”Owenswrote,“andtheywouldn’tbeplatingonthe24-caratfriendshipIfeltforLuzLong.”3

FOLLOWTHROUGHONCEYOUBEGINTOHELP

Philanthropist Andrew Carnegie was approached by members of the NewYork Philharmonic Society, one of Carnegie’s favorite charities, for financialsupport.Hewasabout towriteacheck towipeout theSociety’sentiredeficitwhen suddenly he stopped. “Surely there must be other rich, generous musicloversinthistownwhocouldhelpout,”hesaid.“Whydon’tyouraisehalfthisamount,andcomebacktomefortheotherhalf,”saidthegreatphilanthropist.

The next day, the treasurer cameback and toldCarnegie that he had raised$30,000andwouldlikenowtogetCarnegie’scheck.Thepatronoftheartswasimmensely pleased at this showof enterprise and immediately handed it over.Buthewascurious.“Who,mayIask,contributedtheotherhalf?”

“Mrs.Carnegie,”camethereply.

Sometimeswhenwearethefirsttoofferhelp,wediscoverthatthepersonto

whomwemade theoffer isn’t in asgreat aneedaswe first expected.Followthrough anyway. Being the first to help is a great way to win with people.Offeringtohelpandthennotfollowingthroughisasurewaytolose.


Studiesonaltruismfillvolumeaftervolumeofacademicjournals.Ifthereisonethingtheprofessionalcommunityofpsychologistsknows,it’sthatbeinghelpfulis one of the shortest distances between twopeople—especiallywhen you arethefirsttohelp.AndlikeJohnsays,helpingothersspeaksvolumesaboutyou.4


Forgetabout:

Thinkingonlyaboutwhat’sinitforyouandthinkabouthowyoucanofferahand.

Ask:

HowcanIhelpyou?

Doit:

Bethefirsttovolunteeryourservices,offerassistance,orlendahand.

Remember:

Ifyouhelpenoughpeoplegetwhattheywant,you’llgetwhatyouwanttoo.

18

ADDVALUETOPEOPLE

Trynottobecomeamanofsuccess,butrathertrytobecomeamanofvalue.

—ALBERTEINSTEIN


I’veheardJohnspeaktoallkindsofaudiencesallovertheglobe,andathemethatrunslikearibbonthroughmanyofhistalkshastodowithaddingvaluetopeople.Whatever the conference or topic, he often weaves the importance of“adding value” into it. I’ve also been in meetings around a conference tablewhereJohnfocusesonvalueadded—tohimfromothersandbyhimtoothers.It’saJohnMaxwelltrademark.

SowhenIstartedresearchingthesubjectforthisbook,IwenttoDanReiland,afriendandcolleagueofJohn’sformorethantwentyyears.

“JohnhasdesiredtoaddvaluetopeopleforaslongasI’veknownhim,”saidDan, “but in recent years hehas identified that as his primarypurpose in life.Andhedoesit insomanyways.Hetakesmembersofhisstaff toconferencesand training events tomake thembetter.He sets aside time for individuals to

personallymentorandcoachthem.Hegivesthepeopleheleadsfreedomtoriskandsucceedandasafeplacetofailandlearn.Heevenaddsvaluebypayinghispeoplewell.”

“Buthowhasheaddedvaluetoyoupersonally?”IaskedDan.

“WheredoIstart?”exclaimedDan.“Icouldgiveyoualist.”Andhedid:

Believinginme.

Speakingthetruthinlovetome.

Stretchingme—waybeyondmycomfortzonebutnotoutsideofmygiftzone.

Openingtheworldtomethroughforeigntravel.

Modelingleadershipinboththetoughtimesandthefuntimes.

SpeakingtoothersmorehighlyofmethanIdeserve.

OpeningdoorsinlifethatIcouldneverhaveopenedmyself.

Consistentlyhavingmybestinterestatheart.

Allowingmeintohisinnercircle.

Treatingmelikeayoungerbrother—agiftofimmeasurablevalue.

“If IhadnevermetJohn,mywhole lifewouldbedifferent—mycareer,myskills,myrelationships,”Danexplained.“Hehasaddedvaluetomeeverystepofthewayfortwodecades.Howdoyoumeasurethat?”

John never seems to miss an opportunity to add value to people. And thatpriority,asmuchasanythingelse,hasmadehimawinnerwithpeople.

JOHN...WITHAMAXWELL


Atthecoreofmybeing,Ibelievethatthereisnothinginthislifemoreimportantthanpeople.Havingembracedthattruth,Itrytoliveitoutwithintegrity.Tomethatmeansdoingeverythinginmypowertoaddvaluetopeople.

Ifyoudesiretobecomeavalueadder,thentakethesethingstoheart:

VALUEPEOPLEIt all starts with your attitude toward people. Human relations expert Les

Giblin remarked, “You can’t make the other fellow feel important in yourpresenceifyousecretlyfeelthatheisanobody.”Isn’tthattrue?Don’tyoufinditdifficulttodosomethingkindforpeoplewhenyoudislikethem?

“Youcan’tmaketheotherfellowfeelimportantinyourpresenceifyousecretlyfeelthatheisanobody.”

—LESGIBLIN

The way we see people is often the difference between manipulating andmotivatingthem.Ifwedon’twanttohelppeople,yetwewantthemtohelpus,then we get in trouble. We manipulate people when we move them for ourpersonal advantage. However, we motivate people when we move them formutualadvantage.Addingvaluetoothersisoftenawin-winproposition.

Howdoyouseepeople?Aretheypotentialrecipientsofvalueyoucangive,ordo they tend tobenuisances alongyourpath to success?AuthorSydney J.Harris said, “People want to be appreciated, not impressed. They want to beregardedashumanbeings,notassoundingboardsforotherpeople’segos.Theywant to be treated as an end in themselves, not as a means towards thegratificationofanother’svanity.”Ifyouwanttoaddvaluetopeople,youhaveto

valuethemfirst.

MAKEYOURSELFMOREVALUABLE

We’vetalkedaboutthephrase“youcannotgivewhatyoudonothave.”Therearepeoplewhopossessgoodhearts and thedesire togive,yet theyhaveverylittle to offer. Why? Because they have not first added value to themselves.Makingyourselfmorevaluableisnotanentirelyselfishact.Whenyouacquireknowledge,learnanewskill,orgainexperience,younotonlyimproveyourself,butyoualsoincreaseyourabilitytohelpothers.

In1974Icommittedmyselftothepursuitofpersonalgrowth.Iknewthatitwould help me to be a better minister, so I began to continually read books,listen to tapes,attendconferences,andlearnfrombetter leaders.At the time,Ihad no idea that this commitmentwould be themost important thing Iwouldever do to help others. But that has turned out to be the case. As I improvemyself,Iambetterabletohelpothersimprove.ThemoreIgrow,themoreIcanhelp others grow.The samewill be true for you. If youwant to add value topeople,youmustmakeyourselfmorevaluable.

KNOWWHATPEOPLEVALUE

Since you have read the chapters “Listen with Your Heart” and “Find theKeys to Their Hearts,” you have a good grasp on the principle behind thispractice.Ifyou’vealreadybeguntopracticeit,thenyouknowthatitcanbeverytime-consuming.Butyoualsoknowitcanbethemostimportantstepinaddingvaluetoothers.Onceweknowwhatpeoplevalue,withsomeeffortwecanaddvaluetothem.

Imakeitstandardpracticetonotewhatthepeopleinmylifevaluefromme,andyoushouldtoo.Herearesomeexamplesfrommyownlife:

Margaret,mywife,valuesmytimewithher,andmyattention.

Mychildren,ElizabethandJoelPorter,valuethelegacyMargaretandIareleavingthem.

Larry,mybrother,valuesmyprayersandourtimetogether.

EricandTroy,mynephews,valuethefatherlyadviceandunconditionalloveIgivethem.

Linda,myassistant,valuesmytimeandeffectiveness,becausesheisanintegralpartofit.

John,thepresidentofmynonprofitorganization,EQUIP,valuestheleadershipandopportunitiesIgivehim.

Kirk,thepresidentofmycompanyISS,valuesmyfriendshipandpartnership.

Tomvaluesmyfriendshipandmentoring.

Rickvaluesmy“bigbrother”relationshipwithhim.

JoelvaluesthenetworkingopportunitiesIcangivehim.

Icouldgoon,butIdon’twanttoboreyou.Thepointisthatwemusttakethetimetoknowwhatourmostvaluablepeoplevalue.

Bytheway,addingvaluetoothersisnotonlyagifttothem;itisagifttoyou.ThepeopleIhavejustlistedcontinuallyaddvaluetomylife.Somehavegivensomuch tome that nomatter howmuch I do for them, Iwill never even thescore.


Adding value to people is one of the reasons God put us here on earth. Youcannotgowrongbyhelpingotherstoliveabetterlifeortoreachtheirpotential.


Forgetabout:

Tryingtobecomeapersonofsuccess,andinsteadbecomeapersonofvalue.

Ask:

Whoaddsvaluetomylife,andtowhomwouldImostliketoaddvalue?

Doit:

Makealistofthepeopleinyourlifeandnoteexactlywhattheyvaluemostfromyou.

Remember:

Ifyoudon’ttrulyvaluetheperson,heorshewillneverfeelimportantinyourpresence.

19

REMEMBERA

PERSON’SSTORY

Manyamanwouldratheryouheardhisstorythangrantedhisrequest.

—PHILLIPSTANHOPE,EARLOFCHESTERFIELD


“Les,”Johnwillsay,“tellmeaboutyourdad.HowareheandyourmomdoingsincetheymovedtoPhoenix?”

It’sjustlikeJohntorecallthatmyparentsrecentlymoved.

“And tell me about your brothers,” he’ll continue. “What’s the latest withthem?”

John always seems to remember my story—just as he does with so manypeople.Hedoes itwell,often,andconsistently.Whenhehasmetpeople, I’veheard him flat-out ask them to tell him their stories. So I asked him how helearnedtobeacollectorofpeople’sstories.

“To beginwith, I love a good story—whether I’m learning about someoneI’vejustmetorhearingaboutanadventurefromsomeoneI’veknownmywholelife.Infact,whenIspendtimewithmydad,whoisnoweighty-two,ourtimeisalwaysfilledwithstorytelling.Wetalkaboutthenewthingsthatarehappeninginour lives,butoften thestoriesareones Ihavehearddozensof times.SomeDadlovestotelloverandover.OthersIaskhimtotell.SomeIloveretelling.”

“But you seem to go out of yourway to get the story of someone you justmet,”Icommented.

“That’strue.WheneverIhaveafewminuteswithsomeone,”Johnsaid,“Iaskhimtotellmehisstory,becauseIknowthattimeintheconversationwillfocusentirely on him, his interests, dreams, uniqueness, disappointments, questions,hopes—his journey. While that person enjoys the personal attention, I gaininsight into the keys to his life. Learning a person’s story is a great way toconnectwith him.Remembering his journey and building on it is the greatestwaytodevelopastrongrelationship.

“JusttheotherdayItookataxifromtheSanDiegoairportovertoCoronado.AndItalkedtothecabdriver,”saidJohn.“HisnamewasRaphael.Iaskedhimhis story, andhe toldme that hehad livedonCoronado thirty-fiveyears, andthere he had found something he’d not found anywhere else in his life:community.Everyafternoonhemeetshisfriendsatalocalmarket,wheretheytalkandplaygames.HewassopleasedthatIaskedandhewassodelightedtotellhisstorythatheinvitedmetothemarket.”

Thatshowshowgreataconnectionyoucanmake inashort timebysimplyaskingpeople to tell you their stories.And just imagine the impression itwillmakewhenyouremembereachstory:itwillhelpyoutoreconnectwithpeopleveryquickly.


Thereare somanygood reasons to learnaperson’s story.Hereare just a fewthatkeepmotivatingmetocontinuethispracticewithothers:

Requestingaperson’sstorysays,“Youcouldbespecial.”

Rememberingaperson’sstorysays,“Youarespecial.”

Remindingapersonofhisorherstorysays,“Youarespecialtome.”

Repeatingaperson’sstorytootherssays,“Youshouldbespecialtothem.”

Theresult?Youbecomespecialtothepersonwhosharedastorywithyou.

There are really just three small steps when it comes to embracing thispracticeinordertowinwithpeople.Thekeyistocultivatethehabitofactuallytakingthesestepswiththepeopleinyourlife.

1.ASK

Whenyoumeetsomeonenew,aftertheintroductionsandinitialpleasantries,don’t hesitate. Dive in and ask to hear the person’s story. You can do it anynumberofways:youcanflat-outask,“What’syourstory?”Youcanrequestthathetellyouabouthimself.Youcanaskwhereheisfromorhowhegotintothefieldhe’sin.Useyourownstyle.

Ifyou’venevertriedthiskindofthingbeforeandyouworrythatitmightbeawkwardthefirstfewtimesyoudoit,thenpracticewithpeopleyouareunlikelyto see again—the driver in a cab, a passenger on a plane, a waitress in arestaurant.Onceyoubecomecomfortableaskingquestionsoftotalstrangers,therestwillbeeasy.

2.LISTEN

Years ago I came across a list of suggestions for good listening. (I think IclippeditfromBitsandPieces.)Hereweresomeofthetips:

Lookthespeakerintheeye.

Beattentive—don’trollyoureyesorgrimacewhenyouhearsomethingyoudon’tagreewith.

Don’tinterrupt—tryphraseslike“Goon”or“Isee”insteadof“Now,thatremindsme...”

Tellthespeakerwhatyouthinkyouheard;beginbysaying,“LetmeseeifIunderstand...”

The main idea is to really focus on the other person. The problem manypeoplehaveisthatwhiletheotherpersonspeaks,theyarethinkingmoreaboutwhattheywanttosaywhenit’stheirturninsteadoffocusingonlistening.Whenyou give people your undivided attention, then you are in a better position toachievethenextstep.

3.REMEMBER

Somepeoplehaveaknack fornumbers, others fornamesor faces.But justabouteveryonehasthecapacitytorememberstories.Smallchildrenrememberthem.And stories have been recited and sung frommemory for thousands ofyears.Even long stories, such as the Iliad and theOdyssey—believed to havebeen created nearly three thousand years ago—were sung for three centuriesbeforebeingwrittendown.Storiesstaywithus.

A couple of years ago, the conference department at Injoy received a letterfromEllisBrust,formerlyofSt.MichaelandAllAngelsEpiscopalChurch,thattellsthepowerofrememberingaperson’sstory.Here’swhatitsaid:

One ofmy leaders in the church has just opened a franchise fast-food place in the small EastTexastownofGilmer.Heisinbusinesswithtwoothermeninthechurchandtheyarecommittedto running the businesswith soundChristian principles. I took him to hear John three or fouryears ago and he recalled John’sNordstrom’s stories [about how their employees go the extramile].Hehastriedtotrainhisemployeesusingtheseprinciples.

On the firstweekofoperation,heoverheard two littleold ladies talkingabout thesoftdrinkselectionandoneofthemwasdisappointedthattherewasnoDietDr.Pepperoffered.HespokewiththewomanwhowasdiabeticandpreferredDietDr.Peppertootherdietdrinks.Hegotinhiscar,drovetothe7-11,purchasedasix-packofDietDr.Pepper,tookthewomanacupoficeandacan of the drink. He told her that there would always be a case of Diet Dr. Pepper in therefrigeratorwithhernameonit,andshejustneededtotellthepersonatthecounterwhoshewas

andwhatherbeveragepreferencewasandshewouldgetit.

Theshockedwomansaid,“Youngman,Ihavebeeninthistownmywholelife.Ihavemanyinfluential friends and theywill all hearwhat you just did forme.Thankyou, andwewill beregularcustomers.”

I thoughtyouwouldwant toknowonesmallwayyourwork ischanging lives.Keepup thegoodwork.

Waswhattherestaurantownerdidabigdeal?Diditchangethelady’slife?No.Infact,wedon’tknowifheevertalkedtoheragainorlearnedanythingelseaboutherstory.Buthemadeherfeelspecial,anditservedherwell.Ifwecareabout people, really listen to them, and try to remember their stories, we canmakeanimpactonthem.Andwecanmakethemfeellikeamillionbucks.


Researchers call it a “commitment script.” It’spartof aperson’s lifenarrativethatisparticularlymeaningfulandpersonal.Frommyownexperienceandfromnumerousstudies,Icanattesttothefactthatwhenyoutapintoitwithanotherperson,whenyoutakethetimetoexploreitandrememberit,youwillmakeanextremelyvaluableconnection.1


Forgetabout:

Tellingyourownstoryandlistentothestoryofothers.

Ask:

What’syourstory?

Doit:

Bringupsomeaspectofaperson’sstorythenexttimeyouseehimorher.

Remember:

Everyonelovestotellhisstory.

Everyonelovestotellhisstory.

20

TELLAGOODSTORY

Theuniverseismadeofstories,notatoms.

—MURIELRUKEYSER


IspottedJohnonthecurbattheSeattleairportandpulleduptogethim.AftertossinghisbagintothebackofmyJeep,Islidinbehindthewheel.Thenoffwewenttodinneratahotelbeforeaspeakingengagement.

After a fewminutes of catching up,we arrived at the hotel.Aswewalkedthroughthelobby,Johnsaid,“Holdonasecond.Iwanttotellyouastory.”Hetookmedownahallway,andweduckedintoameetingroom.

“Thisplaceisveryspecialtome,”Johnexplained.Hepointedtoachairattheendofaconferencetable.“IwassittinginthischairrightherewhenISSevolvedintothecompanyitistoday,”Johnbegan,referencingoneofhisorganizations.Hepointedtoeachchairandexplainedwhohadbeenseatedinit.Thenhelaidouttheentireprocessofwhathappenedthatday:howhehadflowntoSeattletogetadvicefromabusinessexecutive;howhisdreamtohelppastorsraisemoneyto expand their churches crossed over from vision to reality that day; how he

recruitedthatbusinessleadertoassistchurchesonanationallevel.

The way John told it, I could easily visualize the whole thing and feel hisenthusiasm. “I tell you, Les, coming back to a place where something goodhappenedalwaysrenewsmygratitude.”

Thelessonofthisstorystuck.Johntoldmethatstoryeightyearsago,andIstillrememberitvividly.Infact,Ican’thelpbutthinkofiteverytimeIdrivebythathotel.ItwasanimportantpointofconnectiontoJohnformeatthetime.Heincludedmeinaprivatepartofhislife—sharinghisheart,hisdreams,andhispersonalhistory.Itmademefeelgood—andstilldoes.

As a communicator, I’m always watching to see how people speak to anaudience.Johnalwaystellsagoodstory—infrontofanaudienceaswellasone-on-one.Andheuseslotsofstorieswhenhecommunicates.SoIaskedhimwhy.

“That’seasy:storiesstick;principlesfade,”saidJohn.“Ifyouwantpeopletorememberwhatyousaid,tellastory.

“Letme tell you something else,” he continued. “It took awhile forme tolearnthelessonaboutstoriesinmywriting.I’msobottom-linethatIusedtojustteachprincipleswithoutmanystories.Butafriendconvincedmetochangemystyle.Andit’smadeabigdifferenceformyreaders.Asawriter,you’vegottoaskyourself,‘Willthereaderturnthepage?’ThepersonmostlikelywillifIamtellingagoodstory.”

Ihaven’tmetapersonyetwhodoesn’t loveagoodstory.That’soneof thereasonsstorytellersaresomagnetic!


In the fall of 1999, Margaret, some friends, and I visited the small town ofJonesborough, Tennessee.More than seven thousand people from all over thecountry,many at considerable expense, came there to sit for hours on end onblankets,on foldingchairs, sometimeseven in the rain.Why?Theywanted toattendtheannualNationalStorytellingFestival.

Wewatchedonestorytellerafteranothercaptivatelisteners.Thestorieswerediverse—sad, happy, funny, sentimental, historical, fictitious, mythical. Somehad a great message; others simply entertained. But all the stories andstorytellers had one thing in common: they had the power to captivate theirlisteners.

Attheendoftheconference,myfriendsandIdiscussedwhythesestorytellersweresoeffective.“Whattraitsdidtheyhavethatmadethemsosuccessful?”weasked.Here’sthelistwecameupwith:

Enthusiasm—Theyenjoyedwhattheyweredoingandexpressedthemselveswithjoyandvitality.

Animation—Thepresentationsweremarkedbylivelyfacialexpressionsandgestures.

Audienceparticipation—Nearlyeverystorytellerinvolvedtheaudienceinsomeway,askinglistenerstosing,clap,repeatphrases,ordosignlanguage.

Spontaneity—Thestorytellersrespondedfreelytotheirlisteners.

Memorization—Tellingtheirstorieswithoutnotesallowedforeyecontact.

Humor—Humorwasinterjectedinbothseriousandsadstories.

Creativity—Classicthemesweretoldfromafreshperspective.

Personal—Moststoriesweretoldinthefirstperson.

Heartwarming—Theirstoriesmadepeoplefeelgoodforhavingheardthem.

Storytellingisveryeffectiveone-on-one,insmallgroupconversation,andinfront of large audiences. Invariably, the person who tells the best stories

becomestheonetowhomothersturntheirattention.

Storytelling is a skill that comes with practice, and anyone can learn todevelop it. If you don’t have much experience with it, or you would like toimprove,thenallowmetogiveyouafewtips:

SHARESOMETHINGYOU’VEEXPERIENCED

Thestorieswetellthebestaretheoneswe’velived.Wecareaboutthem,weknowthematerial,andweknowhowtheyhaveaffectedus.Andwecanshapeand embellish them any way we want. Everybody has had experiences thatotherswouldbeinterestedin.

Thestorieswetellthebestaretheoneswe’velived.

TELLITWITHTHEGOALOFCONNECTING

Thepeoplewhohavethetoughesttimetellingstoriesaretheoneswhotrytoimpress others with them. If that describes you, then change your goal. Tellstorieswiththepurposeofconnectingwithothers.Putthefocusonthelistener,andyourstorytellingskillswillimproveovernight.

PUTYOURHEARTINTOITPeople love humor, but not everyone can tell a funny story. If you can, go

withit.Butneverunderestimatethepowerofastoryfromtheheart.(Ifyouwantevidence, lookat the sales figuresof theChickenSoup for theSoulbooks!) Ifyouwant to tell aconnecting story,make itwarm.Putyourheart into it.Anddon’tbeafraidtoshowpeoplethatyoucareaboutwhatyou’retalkingabout.

ASSUMETHATOTHERSWANTTOHEARIT

One of the biggest mistakes novice storytellers make is being tentative.Nothing makes a story go flat more quickly than a timid delivery. If you’regoingtotellastory,bebold.Beenergetic.Beengaging.Goforit,ordon’tgoatall.

I’vereadthatthe“elite”oftencriticizedPresidentLincolnfortellingtoomanystories.Buthedidn’tletitstophim,becauseheknewwhatworkedwithpeople.He remarked, “They say I tell a greatmany stories; I reckon I do, but I havefoundinthecourseofalongexperiencethatcommonpeople,takethemastheyrun,aremoreeasilyinformedthroughthemediumofabroadillustrationthaninanyotherway,andastowhatthehypercriticalfewmaythink,Idon’tcare.”

FollowtheleadofLincolnandothergreatleaderswhoknewhowtowinwithpeople.Tellagoodstory,engagethemattheheartlevel,andwinthemover.


Research supports the value of being able to relate your thoughts and ideasthroughstories.Infact,onerecentstudyrevealedthatthosewhousestorytellingasameansofrelatingtoothersengendergreaterauthenticityandself-esteem.Itturnsouttheirself-expressionmakesothersfeelgood,andtheyfeelbetteraboutthemselvesintheprocess.1


Forgetabout:

Beingaprofessionalstoryteller.

Ask:

HowcanImakemypointcomethroughstrongerwithastory?

Doit:

Tellastoryinsteadofrelayingonlyfacts.

Remember:

Storiesstick—principlesfade.

21

GIVEWITHNO

STRINGSATTACHED

Life’smostpersistentandurgentquestionis:Whatareyoudoingforothers?

—MARTINLUTHERKING,JR.


WheneverIvisitJohnathisofficeinAtlanta,oneofthepeopleIalwaysseeisLindaEggers, John’s assistant.On a recent trip as I chattedwith her, I beganqueryingherforstoriestoillustratetheideaofgivingwithnostringsattached.

“Who’sgotagoodstory?”Iasked.“WhoshouldIgotalkto?”

“How about me?” Linda responded. She began telling me one story afteranother,butoneinparticularseemedtomeanthemosttoher.Itoccurredwhenheryoungestdaughter,Kim,wasgettingreadytograduatefromhighschool.Itwasanespeciallyhectictimeattheofficetoo.AndLinda’smiddlechild,Jennie,who was living in California, had recently given birth under difficult

circumstances.

The day before Kim’s graduation, Linda got word that Jenny was havingseriouscomplicationsthatwouldrequiresurgery.

“I’maverysteadyperson,”saidLinda.“Therearen’ttoomanythingsthatcangettome.ButIwastotallyoverwhelmedbythesituation.”

LindasaidthatwhenshesatdownandtoldJohnaboutallthatwashappening,aftersomekindwordsandprayer,Johnofferedtostepinandhelpher.ThefirstthinghedidwasbuyheraticketsothatshecouldbewithJenniethatdayforthesurgery—aticketwithareturnflightonthered-eyesothatLindacouldgetbackforKim’sgraduation.Andheboughtheranother ticketsothatLindacouldgobackoutagaintobewithJennieduringherrecovery.

“Howmanyemployersdoyouknowwhowoulddosomethinglikethat?”saidLinda. “Becauseof his busy schedule, itwas a real inconvenience for John tolosemeduringthattime.Buthejustsaid,‘Youtakewhatevertimeyouneedanddowhatneedstobedone,’andhereallymeantit.Iwasgoneforanotherwholeweek.”

Linda’swasn’ttheonlystoryIheard.CharlieWetzel,John’swriterformorethanadecade, toldmeabout the timeJohnoffered tosendhimtoaweeklongwriter’s conference after he had worked for John only a year. When Charlieexplainedthathecouldn’tgobecauseitwashisfirstweddinganniversary,JohnofferedtosendCharlieandhiswife.Andmorethanonepersontoldaboutatimewhen theywere barelymaking it financially and John slipped themmoney sothattheycouldgooutforanicedinnerwiththeirspouse.

Generosityisanextremelyappealingquality.Whensomeonegivestoothers—withnostringsattached—itreallymakesthemfeelspecial.


JesuittheologianPierreTeilharddeChardinsaid,“Themostsatisfyingthinginlifeistohavebeenabletogivealargepartofone’sselftoothers.”Anyonewho

hasunselfishlyhelpedanotherpersonknowsthistobetrue.Yetnoteveryoneisabletoadoptanongoingmind-setofgivingtowardothers.Whyisthat?Firstofall,Ibelieveithasnothingtodowithcircumstances.I’vemetgenerouspeoplewithalmostnothingwhowerewilling tosharewhat little theypossessed.AndI’vemetwell-offpeoplewhowerestingywiththeirtime,money,andtalents.

Theissueisreallyattitude.I’vefoundthatpeoplewhoenjoygivingwithnostringsattachedusuallyexhibittwocharacteristicsthatanyonecanembrace:

1.THEYHAVEANABUNDANCEMENTALITY

If you’ve read StephenCovey’s bookThe SevenHabits ofHighlyEffectivePeople (Free Press, 1989), then you are familiar with the concepts related toscarcityandabundancemind-sets.Inanutshell,peoplewithascarcitymind-setbelieve that in life, there’s only a limited supply of anything to go around,whetherit’smoney,resources,opportunity,andsoforth.Theyseetheworldasapiewithalimitednumberofslices.Oncethey’regone,they’regone.Asaresult,theyfighttogettheirpiece—andoncetheyhaveit,theyprotectit.

People possessing an abundance mind-set believe that there is plenty ofeverything to go around. If life is a pie, and others are helping themselves topieces,thesolutionofthepersonwiththeabundancemind-setistobakeanotherpie.Thereisalwaysmoremoneytobemade,more(ordifferent)resourcestobediscovered,additionalopportunitiestobepursued.Anoldsolutionisn’tworkinganymore? Don’t worry: someone will find a new one. The inventors,entrepreneurs,andexplorersoftheworldarecontinuallycreatingnew“pies”sothateveryonecangetaslice.

Myowntakeonthisisthatpeopletendtofallintooneoftwocategories:theyare either takers or makers. Takers are people who take, grab, and consumewhatevertheycantomeettheirownneeds.Theyseelifeasaratrace.Ofcourse,themainproblemwiththatisthatevenifyouwin,you’restillarat.Makers,onthe other hand, are people who give, create, and make things happen. Theycreateprogressandfostersuccessforothers.Theyarejustaslikelytogiveastotakebecausetheyarecontinuallyhelpingtocreatemoreforeveryone.

“Whenwerefrainfromgiving,withascarcitymentality,thelittlewehavewillbecomeless.Whenwegivegenerously,withanabundancementality,whatwegiveawaywillmultiply.”

—HENRINOUWEN

Peoplewho habitually givewith no strings attached almost always have anabundancementality.Theyaregenerousbecausetheybelievethat if theygive,theywill not run out of resources. Pastor and former college professor HenriNouwen states, “When we refrain from giving, with a scarcity mentality, thelittlewehavewillbecome less.Whenwegivegenerously,withanabundancementality,whatwegiveawaywillmultiply.”

Ihavefoundthistobetrue.Someoneonceaskedmewhyheshouldadoptanabundancementality,andhewassurprisedbymyanswer.Itoldhimthatifyoubelieveinabundance,that’swhatlifegivesyou.Ifyoubelieveinscarcity,thenthat’s what you get. I don’t knowwhy that is, but after fifty years of payingattentiontopeople’sattitudesandwatchinghowlifeunfoldedforthem,Iknowit to be true. So if you desire to bemore generous, change your thinking andyourattitudewhenitcomestoabundance.Notonlywillitallowyoutobemoregenerous,butalsoitwillchangeyourlife.

2.THEYSEETHEBIGPICTUREPeoplewhogivewithnostringsattachedareusuallyawareof thehelp they

have received along the way. They recognize that they are standing on theshoulders of previous generations. The progress theymake is due, at least inpart,totheworkandsacrificeofthosewhohavegonebeforethem.Becauseofthis,theyaredeterminedtodoforthenextgenerationwhatwasdoneforthem.

I cameacross apoembyW.A.Dromgoale called “TheBridgeBuilder.” Itbeautifully illustrates this desire to give to others: An old man walking a

lonesomeroad,

Cameattheevening,coldandgray,

Toachasmvastandwideanddeep.

Theoldmancrossedinthetwilightdim,Therollingstreamhadnofearsforhim;Butheturnedwhensafeontheotherside,Andbuiltabridgetospanthetide.

“Oldman,”saida fellowtravelernear,“Youarewastingyourstrengthwithbuildinghere,Yourjourneywillendwiththepassingday,Youneveragainwillpassthisway.

You’ve crossed the chasm, deep and wide, Why build you this bridge ateventide?”

Thebuilderliftedhisoldgrayhead,

“Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said, “There followeth aftermetoday,

Ayouthwhosefeetmustpassthisway.

Thechasmthatwasnoughttome,

Tothefairheadedyouthmayapitfallbe.

Hetoomustcrossinthetwilightdim—

Goodfriend,Iambuildingthisbridgeforhim.”1

To become better givers, we need greater perspective.When we realize howmuchwehavebenefitedfromthekindnessofothers,itbecomesmucheasierforus to be generous. And one of the best things is that giving is so rewarding.CollegepresidentandeducationalreformerHoraceManncommented,“Wemustbepurposelykindandgenerousorwemissthebestpartofexistence.Theheartthatgoesoutof itselfgets largeand fullof joy.This is thegreat secretof the

inner life.Wedoourselves themostgooddoing something forothers.”Whenwegiveunselfishly,wewillgainsomethinginreturn.


This lesson certainly rings true in my therapy sessions with clients. And it’sbackedupbyplentyofresearch.Studieshaveshownthatthehigherone’slevelofhelpfulnesstoothers,thegreaterwell-beingonewillexperience.Researcherscallit“generativity,”anditisconsistentlylinkedtogreaterpersonalgrowthandevenphysicalhealth.2

Studieshaveshownthatthehigherone’slevelofhelpfulnesstoothers,thegreaterwell-beingonewillexperience.


Forgetabout:

Scarcity;instead,focusonabundance.

Ask:

WhomcanIhelpthatwillgivenothinginreturn?

Doit:

Bepurposelykindandgeneroustoaspecificperson.

Remember:

Youdoyourselfthemostgoodwhenyouaredoingsomethinggoodforothers.

22

LEARNYOUR

MAILMAN’SNAME

Rememberthataperson’snameistothatpersonthesweetestandmostimportantsoundinanylanguage.

—DALECARNEGIE


John tells the story about howheused tomemorize thenamesof peoplewhoattendedhischurchwhenhewastheseniorpastorofSkylineWesleyanChurchin SanDiego, California.He used tomake an offer to visitors: if theywouldallowsomeonetotaketheirpicturesonSundayaftertheservice,JohnpromisedtolearntheirnamesbythefollowingSunday.Johndidthatuntilhefinishedhistenureatthechurchin1995.Fulfillingthatpromise,Johnwasabletomemorizethenamesofmorethantwenty-twohundredpeopleandgreetthembyname.

Inthesummerof2004,SkylineChurchcelebrateditsfiftiethanniversary,andJohnandMargaretweredelightedtoreturnandbeapartofthecelebration.Johntoldme that thousands of people attended,manyofwhomhe had not seen innine years. He was thankful that each person had a name tag. “But as I

approached one couple,” John told me, “the husband covered his name tag.WhenIcalledhimbynamehelaughedandsaid,‘Iwasjustcheckingtoseeifyoucouldstillremembernames.’”

“Thatdoesn’tsurpriseme,”Isaid,“butitstillimpressesme.”

“Youknow,”Johnreplied,“atfifty-seven,it’snotaseasyasitoncewas,butIstillworkatrememberingnames.”

I’ve long admired this skill and personal approach of John’s. In fact, itinspiredme inmywork as a professor to learn the names of several hundredstudents in my classes each semester at the university. Why do we do it?Becauseweknowthataperson’sname ishispersonalsignboard to theworld,hismost intimate, distinctive possession.Andwhen you remember a person’sname,itcanmakehimorherfeellikeamillionbucks.

Aperson’snameishispersonalsignboardtotheworld,hismostintimate,distinctivepossession.


In 1937 the granddaddy of all people-skills books was published. It was anovernighthit,eventuallysellingmorethanfifteenmillioncopies.ThatbookwasHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople (Simon&Schuster,1981),byDaleCarnegie.What made that book so valuable was Carnegie’s understanding ofhumannature.Ilovehissimplewordsofwisdom.SomethingthatIlearnedearlyfrom Carnegie was this: remember and use a person’s name. “We should beawareofthemagiccontainedinaname...Thenamesetstheindividualapart;itmakeshimorheruniqueamongallothers.Theinformationweareimpartingortherequestwearemakingtakesonaspecialimportancewhenweapproachthesituation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the seniorexecutive,thenamewillworkmagicaswedealwithothers.”

Whatwastruein1937isevenmoreapplicableinourfast-pacedworld.Thesedays an account number or a title too often replaces a person’s name.Rememberingnamescanhelpenhanceyourpersonalimage,improveyourstyle,and,most importantly, increaseyour impactonothers.Andwhenyoutake thetimetolearnthenamesofnotonlyyourclientsandimportantacquaintances,butalso the everyday people you interact with—such as your postal worker orneighborhoodstoreowner—yougotoanotherlevelofrelationalconnectivity.

Ifyoudesiretoimproveyourskillwithnames,hereareafewsuggestions:

RECOGNIZETHEVALUEOFANAME

Howdo you feelwhen someone calls you by thewrong name?Howaboutwhenyoukindlycorrect thepersonandspend timewithhim,andhestillgetsyournamewrong?Howaboutwhenpeoplehaven’t seenyou for a long time,and they still remember your name? Doesn’t it make you feel good? (Anddoesn’titalsoimpressyou?)Whenpeoplecareenoughtoknowyourname,theymakeyoufeelvalued.

PlaywrightWilliamShakespearewrote,“Goodname,inmanorwoman,istheimmediate jewelof their souls.—Whostealsmypurse steals trash;buthe thatfilches frommemy good name, robsme of thatwhich not enriches him, andmakesmepoorindeed.”1

USETHESAVEMETHOD

My friend Jerry Lucas is known as “Dr.Memory.” He has spent the yearsfollowing his hugely successful run in the NBA helping schoolchildren andadults improvetheirmemories throughavarietyof innovative techniques.OneofthethingsheteachesiscalledtheSAVEMethod.Here’showitworks:

S—Saythenamethreetimesinconversation.

A—Askaquestionaboutthename(forexample,howitisspelled)orabouttheperson.

V—Visualizetheperson’sprominentphysicalorpersonalityfeature.

E—Endtheconversationwiththename.

YearsagoJerryshowedhowusefulhismethodcouldbebyrememberingthenamesofeveryguestintheaudienceattheTonightShow.Ibelieveitcanalsohelpyourememberthefirstandlastnamesofthepeopleyoumeet.

INCASEOFMEMORYFAILURE...

Almosteveryonehas trouble recallingnamesonsomeoccasions.When thishappens,trytorecallthesituationinwhichyoumetthepersonorlastsawhimorher.Ifyoucan’trecalleventhat,thenask,“Howlonghasitbeen?”Perhapsthatwilljogyourmemory.

Ifyou’remeetingpeoplealongwithafriendorcolleague,sometimesyoucanhelpeachotherout.Introducethepersonwhosenameyoudoremembertotheperson whose name you don’t, and perhaps the individual will volunteer hisname.Oryoucanagreewithyourfriendaheadoftimetocometoeachother’said.MywifeandIdothis.Whenwemakeintroductions,MargaretknowsthatifIdon’t introducesomeonebyname,I’mnotsureI remember itcorrectly.Andshewillquicklyintroduceherselfandgettheotherperson’snameinreturn.

When all else fails, just say, “I’m so sorry; I remember you well, but I’mafraidyournamehasslippedmymind.”Thenaftertheindividualremindsyou,usetheSAVEmethodsothatyouarelesslikelytoforgetitagaininthefuture.

GOEASYONYOURSELFIFYOUFORGET

If you work at it, youwill become better at remembering people’s names.Don’t be too hard on yourself, however,when you blow it. That’swhat I didrecentlywhenmeetingacouplewhoselastnamewasLake.OneofthethingsIdowhen learning a name is to link the name to amental image.When IwasintroducedtotheLakes,IimmediatelyplacedamentalimageofalakeontheirheadsandthoughtofHargusLakewhereIgrewup.AfewdayslaterwhenIsawthem again, I mistakenly asked, “How are you doing tonight, Mr. and Mrs.

Hargus?”Sometimesevenourbestpracticesfailus!


Onehardlyneedsa researchstudy tovalidate thepoints John ismakingaboutthe value of remembering people’s names. However, if you want to knowwhetheritissubstantiatedbystudies,Icouldpointyoutoamountainofresearchthat shows exactly how a person’s mood and self-evaluation are consistentlyimproved when another person remembers him or her personally.2 There issimplynoquestionofthevalueofrememberingpeople’snames.


Forgetabout:

Blamingyour“bad”memoryandexertsomeefforttorememberpeople’snames.

Ask:

Whatcanyoutellmeabouttheoriginofyournameorhowit’sspelled?

Doit:

UsetheSAVEMethodwitheachnewpersonyoumeetthisweek.

Remember:

Aperson’snameisoneofhisorhermostvaluablepossessions.

23

POINTOUT

PEOPLE’SSTRENGTHS

Thepraisesofothersmaybeofuseinteachingus,notwhatweare,butwhatweoughttobe.

—AUGUSTW.HARE


Iamconstantlyamazedbythenumberofhigh-caliberpeopleJohnhasonhisstaff.Heseems tobesurroundedbyall-stars.Whenaskedabouthis secret,heresponded,“Two things.First, I try tohire thebest leaders Ican find. If Icanhireafew‘9s’and‘10s,’thentheywillattractandhire‘8s’and‘9s.’Second,Ialwaystrytoputpeopleintheirareasofstrength.”

“Okay,”Isaid,“letmequizyouonsomeofthepeopleinyourcircle.I’llgiveyouaname,andyoutellmetheirstrength.”

“Okay,shoot,”Johnanswered.

“TimElmore.”

“There’s nobody better than Tim at examining a passage of Scripture,searchingitthoroughly,andpullingoutteachingpointsfromit.”

“LindaEggers.”

“Linda’sattentiontodetail isoff thecharts;sherunsmywhole life.ButI’dhave to say that her greatest strength is the confidence she instills in others.WhensomeonetalkstoLinda,theyfeelthatthey’vetalkedtome.”

“DanReiland.”

“Dan’sgreatestskillisleadinganddevelopingleadersonhisstaff.Youknow,backatSkylinehewasmyexecutivepastor;heledthestaffandranthechurchdaytodaywhileItravelednationally.”

“DidDancometoyouwithexperienceasanexecutivepastor?”Iasked.

“No,no,whenImetDan,hewasanintern,”Johnexplained.“Hehadworkedbriefly as a youth pastor, and when he started working for me as a regularemployeeafterseminary,Iputhiminchargeofchildren’seducation.Butoverthe years, he did a lot of different things. Anytime I wanted to start a newministry,Danwasmyman.

“Asweworked together,apatternofstrengthemerged.Danalwayshad thebigpicture,championedthevision,andpossessedinfluencewithhispeersandvolunteers. And he had a particular knack for developing people. As thosestrengthsemerged,itbecameobviousthathewastherightpersontobecomemyexecutivepastor.”

JimCollins,inhisbookGoodtoGreat(Harperbusiness,2001),writesabouttheconceptofgettingtherightpeopleonthebusandthenmakingsureeachisintherightseat.That’sessentiallywhatJohnwassaying.Whenyoulookforandpoint out people’s strengths, then you are able to help people take the placethat’sbestforthemandtheorganization.Andthathelpseveryonewin!


Peopleoftenmakeamistakeintheirpersonaldevelopmentwhentheyfocustoomuchontheirweaknesses.Asaresult,theyspendalltheirtimetryingtoshoreupthoseweaknessesinsteadofmaximizingthestrengthstheypossess.Similarly,it’s a mistake to focus on the weaknesses of others. The self-proclaimed“experts”whospendtheirtimetellingotherswhat’swrongwiththemneverwinwithpeople.Mostpeoplesimplyavoidthem.

Instead,weneedtofocusonfindingpeople’sstrengthsandpointingthemout.Here’swhy:

POINTINGOUTSTRENGTHSUNDERLINESPEOPLE’SUNIQUENESS

Mostpeoplehavestrengthsthattheyrarelygettouse.Thosestrengthsmaybejob skills, knowledge, general abilities, personality characteristics, or otherattributes. I once read an interesting fact based on research, saying that everyperson can do at least one thing better than ten thousand other people. Thinkaboutthat!Youpossessanabilitythatcan’tbematchedbyanyoneinyourtownorneighborhood...orinyourcollegeoruniversity...orinyourcompanyormaybeeveninyourindustry.

Haveyoudiscoveredthatability?Ifso,youareprobablywellonyourwaytopursuing your life’s purpose. If you haven’t,wouldn’t you love it if someonecamealongsideyouandpointeditout?Howwouldyoufeelaboutthatperson?Ibetyou’dbeprettygrateful.

Whynottrytobecomethatkindofpersoninsomeoneelse’slife?Whenyoudo,youjustmightbehelpingothers todiscover thethingGodcreatedthemtodo.

PEOPLEAREMOTIVATEDINTHEIRAREASOFSTRENGTH

I once read that a surveywas taken ofworkers across theUnited States inwhich itwas found that nearly 85 percent of those interviewed said that theycouldworkharderonthejob.Morethanhalfofthemclaimedtheycoulddoubletheireffectiveness if theywanted to.Whywould thatbe? It isbecause so fewpeopleareworkingintheirareasofstrength.Doyougetexcitedwhenaskedtoworkinanareaofweakness?Icertainlydon’t.

MarcusBuckinghamandDonaldO.Cliftonhavedonetremendousresearchinthis area. If you want to learn more, I suggest you read their book: Now,DiscoverYourStrengths (FreePress,2001).Butknowthis:whenyouwork inyourareasofstrength,youdon’tneedmuchexternalmotivation.Ifpeoplehavebeengrindingawayattasksintheirweakareas,andtheyarereassignedtoworkin areas of strength, watch their motivation, enthusiasm, and productivityskyrocket.

PEOPLEADDTHEMOSTVALUEINTHEIRSTRENGTHZONES

Peopleoftenaskmewhatthekeytomysuccessis.AndItellthemthatIthinkit can be attributed to three things: (1) the goodness ofGod; (2) the excellentpeoplearoundme;and(3)myabilitytostayinmystrengthzone.Ittookthefirstfiveyearsofmyprofessionallifetofigureoutwhatmystrengthswere.Butwiththe passing of years since then, I’ve narrowed my focus down to fewer andfewerthings.

TheLawof theNiche inmybookThe17 IndisputableLaws forTeamworkstates,“Allplayershaveaplacewheretheyaddthemostvalue.”Thatplaceistheir“strengthzone.” I’mworthlessatmost things.But Ido four things reallywell:lead,create,communicate,andnetwork.Andasmuchaspossible,Isticktothosethings.

Asa leaderandemployer,I try tohelpothersdothesame.Ihelpthemfindtheirstrengthzones,andI try toposition themthereasmuchaspossible.Yousee,asuccessfulpersonfindstherightplaceforhimself.Butasuccessfulleaderfindstherightplaceforothers.HowdoIdothat?

Asuccessfulpersonfindstherightplaceforhimself.Butasuccessfulleaderfindstherightplaceforothers.

First,Ilookforthebestinothers.Anybodycanseeweaknesses,mistakes,and

shortcomings in others.That’s no unique skill. Seeing only the good things isharder.Hall of Famebaseball playerReggie Jackson said that the bestmajor-leaguebaseballleaderspossessthatability.Heobserved,“Agreatmanagerhasaknackformakingballplayers thinktheyarebetter thantheythinktheyare.Heforcesyoutohaveagoodopinionofyourself.Heletsyouknowhebelievesinyou.Hemakesyougetmoreoutofyourself.Andonceyoulearnhowgoodyoureallyare,youneversettleforplayinganythinglessthanyourverybest.”That’strue in any area of life: business, parenting, marriage, ministry, and so forth.Don’tlookfortheflaws,warts,andblemishesinothers.Lookfortheirbest.

Second, I speak up. You can think the world of others, but if you neveractuallytell them,thenyoudon’treallyhelpthem.Ihavealwaysbelievedthatallpeoplehavea“successseed”within them.Mostnever find itand thereforefailtoreachtheirpotential.Ioftenlookatotherpeopleandask,“Whataretheirsuccess seeds?”When I discover them, I point them out to those individuals.Then I fertilize those seeds with encouragement and water them withopportunity.


One of themost cutting-edge aspects of contemporary research in psychologyhastodowithwhataretermed“signaturestrengths.”Everyonehasanumberofpositivequalitiesthatrepresenthisorherstrengths,butsomeofthosearemoreimportantandmorecentraltoaperson’sidentity.Whenyoucanpointthemouttoothers,researchshows,apersonisfarmorelikelytousethem,toputthemondisplay,andtoembracethemasakeycomponentofhisorheridentity.1


Forgetabout:

Theweaknessesofothers.

Ask:

Whatdoesthisindividualdoexceptionallywell?

Doit:

Everydaythisweek,tellatleastonepersonwhatstrengthyouseeinhimorher.

Remember:

Everypersonintheworldpossessestheseedsforsuccess.

24

WRITENOTESOF

ENCOURAGEMENT

Thepowerofwordsisimmense.Awell-chosenwordhasoftensufficedtostopaflyingarmy,tochangedefeatintovictory,andtosaveanempire.

—EMILEDEGIRARDIN


I always love to see the inner sanctums of great leaders.You can learnmuchabout peoplewhen you seewhere theywork. Recently Iwas in John’s homeoffice, where he does most of his thinking, dreaming, writing, and creating.Amongthememorabiliathatisimportanttohim,onecannothelpbutnoticeanimpressivecollectionofJohnWesley’sworks.Infact,itmaybeoneofthemostextensive privately held historical collections of its kind. And as a student ofWesleymyself,Iwasintrigued.

“What’syourmostprizedpieceinthiscollection,John?”Iasked,pointingtoashelfofantiquebooks.

“It would have to be a letter I have that was signed by JohnWesley andpostscriptedbyhisbrotherCharles,”Johnsaidashetookmearoundthecornertoseeithanginginaframeonthewall.

“Is it an important letter?” I asked, trying to decipher Wesley’s spideryhandwriting.

“It’sa letter toa friend,givinghimparentingadvice. Iprize itbecause it iswritteninWesley’shandandsignedbyhim,”Johnsaid.“ButifyouwanttotalkaboutimportantlettersbyWesley,thenyouhavetoconsidertheletterhewrotetoWilliamWilberforce.

“In1791,WilliamWilberforcewasfacingonemorediscouragingdefeatinhisattempt to abolishBritain’s slave trade,” explained John. “Then he received aletterfromJohnWesley.Thatnow-famousletterwouldprovetobeacontinuingsourceofstrengthfortherestofhislife.”

Johnwentquicklyintohisfilesunderthetopicof“encouragement”andfoundthetextofthatWesleyletterandreaditaloudtome:

London,February26,1791

DearSir:

Unlessthedivinepowerhasraisedyouup. . .Iseenothowyoucangothroughyourgloriousenterprise,inopposingthatexecrablevillainy,whichisthescandalofreligion,ofEngland,andofhuman nature.UnlessGod has raised you up for this very thing, youwill beworn out by theoppositionofmenanddevils.But,“ifGodbeforyou,whocanbeagainstyou?”AreallofthemstrongerthanGod?O“benotwearyinwelldoing!”Goon,inthenameofGodandinthepowerof His might, till even American slavery (the vilest that ever saw the sun) shall vanish awaybeforeit.

...ThatHewhohasguidedyoufromyouryouthup,maycontinuetostrengthenyouinthisandallthings,istheprayerof,

Youraffectionateservant,

J.Wesley

“Fourdaysafterwritingthatletter,”Johnrecounted,“Wesleywasdead.Andonce againWilberforcewas defeatedwhen the vote was taken in Parliament.UltimatelyWilberforce prevailed, but in the intervening years, hewas vilifiedandfacedsomanydisappointments.Hisopponentsevenarrangedforhimtobe

challengedtoaduelandmadeanattempttokillhim.”

John continued, “Hewas tempted to give up the fightmore than once.Buteverytimehebecamediscouraged,hereturnedtoWesley’sletter.Eachtimehereadit,itwaslikethefirsttime.Itneverfailedtoencourageandstrengthenhim.

“If you don’t believe in the encouraging power of the written note afterhearingaboutthat,”Johnsaid,“youprob-ablyneverwill.”

IcanattesttothefactthatJohnbelievesinthatpower.I’vereceivedseveralnotesofencouragementfromhimovertheyears,andIstillhavemanyofthem.TheymaynotholdthehistoricalvalueofWesley’snotetoWilberforce,buttheirvaluetomeispriceless.


Ifyouhaven’talreadyguessedit,I’marealhistorybuff.Letmetellyoutherestof the story: in 1806, after working tirelessly for twenty years, Wilberforcefinallysucceededingettingabillpassedthatabolishedtheslavetrade.Twenty-eight years later, on July31, 1834, slavery itselfwasoutlawed throughout theBritishEmpire,freeingapproximately800,000slaves.Althoughhedidnotlivetoseetherealizationofhisdream,havingdiedonAugust5,1833,noonewasmore responsible than William Wilberforce for the demise of slavery in theBritishEmpire.

WilberforcediedoneofthemostesteemedmenofhisdayandwasburiedinWestminsterAbbey.Hisepitaphreadsinpart:

Eminentashewasineverydepartmentofpubliclabour,Andaleaderineveryworkofcharity,

Whethertorelievethetemporalorthespiritualwantsofhisfellowmen

HisnamewilleverbespeciallyidentifiedWiththoseexertions

Which,bytheblessingofGod,removedfromEnglandTheguiltoftheAfricanslavetrade,

AndpreparedthewayfortheabolitionofslaveryineverycolonyoftheEmpire.

Wilberforcehaddevotedhis entire life andpolitical career to agreat cause:ending slavery. Yet he might not have prevailed had it not been for theencouragingnoteofJohnWesley.

I have believed in the power of written notes of encouragement for manyyears—beginningbeforeIreceivedtheWesleyletterasagiftfromthepeopleofSkylineChurchafterservingastheirpastor.Infact,itwaswhileleadingSkylinethat I asked my staff members to devote time every Monday to handwritingnotestopeople.

Writtennotesdon’thavetocomefromsomeonefamoustobeencouraging.Akind word given from the heart is always well received. If you’ve nevermastered the practice of sending handwritten notes to people, then I want toencourage you to try this often neglectedwayofwinningwith people.Here’swhy:

ENCOURAGINGNOTESHAVEAPERSONALTOUCH

Todaywecommunicatebytelephone,digitalpager,cellphone,faxmachine,e-mail, and the Internet. In thehectic paceof our busy lives,whohas time tocorrespondtheold-fashionedway?Yetthemoreconvenientourcommunicationbecomes, the more temporary it is. We forget how meaningful that personaltouch can be. Few things beat opening amailbox and pulling out a real notewritten by a real person.When you see the thoughts of someone you respectwritteninhisorherownhand,itreallymeanssomething.

Sixdaysaweek,regularmailserviceisprovidedbytheUnitedStatesPostalService.Annuallypostalworkershandle170billionpiecesofmail.Yet,inthishugeseaofmail,officialssaypersonallettersaccountforlessthan4percentofthe total. So on average, youwill have towade through twenty-five pieces ofmailbeforeyouputyourhandsononethatcontainsapersonalword.Morethan

everinthisdayandage,ahandwrittennotecommunicatesthatyoucare.

NOTESREPRESENTANINVESTMENTBYTHEWRITER

In his book The Power of Encouragement (Multnomah, 1997), my friendDavid Jeremiah says, “Written encouragement comes directly from the heart,uninterruptedanduninhibited.That’swhyit’ssopowerful.”Haven’tyouknownthattobetrue?

“Writtenencouragementcomesdirectlyfromtheheart,uninterruptedanduninhibited.That’swhyit’ssopowerful.”

—DAVIDJEREMIAH

Nineteenth-century writerWaltWhitman struggled for years to get anyoneinterested inhispoetry.Hebecameverydiscouraged.Thenhe receivedanotethatread:“Dearsir,IamnotblindtotheworthofthewonderfulgiftofLeavesofGrass.IfinditthemostextraordinarypieceofwitandwisdomthatAmericahasyetcontributed.Igreetyouatthebeginningofagreatcareer.”ItwassignedbyRalphWaldoEmerson.

Ican’thelpbutwonderwhatmighthavehappenedtoWhitmanhadEmersonnotinvestedinhimbywritingthosekindwords.ThatnotewaslikefreshairtoWhitman,whobreathedinthatencouragementandwasinspiredtokeepwriting.Butyoudon’thavetobeaprofessionalwritertomakeadifferenceinsomeone’slife.Justtakingthetimetowriteisevidenceofyourwillingnesstoinvestinthatperson.

NOTESAREREMEMBEREDLONGAFTERTHEWRITERHASFORGOTTENTHEM

Foryears Ihavemade itapractice towritepersonalnotes toothers. Ioften

forgetwhat I havewritten, butoccasionally someonewhohas receivedanotefrommewillshowit tomeandtellmewhatanencouragementitwas.It is inthosemomentsthatIamremindedofthesustainedandrepeatedencouragementpeoplereceivefromthewrittenword.

Younevercantellwhensomethingyouwritetootherswilllightthemupindowntimesorsustainthemwhenlifegetsdifficult.InthefirstChickenSoupforthe Soul (Health Communications, 1993) book, teacher Sister Helen Mroslarecounted how a spur-of-the-moment assignment in class became a source ofencouragement forher students.Onadaywhenher juniorhighmath studentswereespeciallyornery,sheaskedthemtowritedownwhattheylikedabouteachof their fellow students. She then compiled the results over the weekend andhandedoutthelistsonthefollowingMonday.

Yearslaterwhenoneofthosestudents,Mark,waskilledinVietnam,sheandsomeof those former students got together for the funeral.Afterward,Mark’sfather told the group, “They found this onMarkwhen hewas killed,” and heshowedthemafolded,refolded,andtapedpaper—theonehehadreceivedyearsbeforefromhisteacher.Rightafterthat,Charlie,oneofMark’sclassmates,said,“Ikeepmy list inmydeskdrawer.”Chuck’swife said,“Chuckputhis inourweddingalbum.”“Ihavemine,too,”Marilynsaid,“inmydiary.”

Standing there, Vicky reached into her pocketbook and brought out herfrazzled list, showing it to her teacher and former classmates. Each personcherishedthekindwordsofencouragementtheyhadreceived.That’sthepowerofafewkindwords.


Youmaybe reluctant to take timewritingnotes toothersbecauseyoubelievethat complimentingpeople verbally is enough. If so, youmaybe surprisedbyrecentresearchintothetopicofauthenticity,whichfoundthatwhenawordofencouragement iswritten down for another person, it is often perceived to bemoregenuinethanwhenitisspoken.11Thatleaveslittledoubtaboutthevalueofwritingnotesofencouragementtoothers.

Whenawordofencouragementiswrittendownforanotherperson,itisoftenperceivedtobemoregenuinethanwhenitisspoken.


Forgetabout:

Beingaperfectwriterandfocusonwritingfromtheheart.

Ask:

WhatcanIsaythatwillbeanencouragementnow,aswellassomedayinthefuture?

Doit:

Takeonehourtodaytowriteseveralnotestopeopleforthesolepurposeofencouragingthem.

Remember:

Wordshavethepowertogiveencouragementlongafterthewriterhasforgottenthem.

25

HELPPEOPLEWIN

ThemostimportantmeasureofhowgoodagameIplayedwashowmuchbetterI’dmakemyteammatesplay.

—BILLRUSSELL,WINNEROFMORENBACHAMPIONSHIPSTHANANYOTHERPLAYER


IfI’veevermetanyonewholovestoseepeoplewin,it’sJohnMaxwell.That’sthereasonhewritesbooksandleadsseminarsandconferences.Hebelieveshehas something to offer to others to help them succeed. But John also helpspeoplewin on a smaller scale, whether it’s teaching his daughter how to sellcandy door-to-door for school when she was little, taking time to give astruggling pastor advice to help him through a tough time, or giving a youngperson with potential tremendous responsibility. John loves to win, and heenjoysseeingotherswinevenmore.

For many years, John did a one-day seminar that taught pastors and theirchurchmembershowtopartnerinvolunteerministry.Attheendofthesession,heusedtotelloneofmyfavoritestories.ItreallytypifiesJohn’sattitudetowardhelpingothers.

WhenJohn’snephew,Eric,wassevenyearsold,hegotreadytoplayhisfirstgameinhisfirstseasonofLittleLeaguebaseball.JohnandMargaretwenttoseethegame,andofcourse,JohnwantedtohelpEricwin.Here’sthestoryasJohnoftentellsit:

You’vegot tounderstand,Erichadneverplayedbaseballbefore.He’s intimidated,he’sscared,he’sfearful,he’sfrightened.Andhiscoachthinksit’stheWorldSeries!SoEricwalksuptotheplate.Hishelmetiswaydownoverhisears,hisuniformiswaytoobigforhim,andhecanhardlyholdthebat.He’spetrified.Sotherehestands,facingtheotherteam’spitcher,whoisalwaysthebiggestkid.HisnameisButch;he’sgotabigwadofbubbleguminhisjaw,andpeachfuzzalloverhisface.

Ericjustkindofhuggedthebatandclosedhiseyesandprayed.Andthatballwentwhoosh!Strikeone.Whoosh!Striketwo.Whoosh!Strikethree.Imean,justlikethat;andwhentheumpiresaid,“You’reout,”Ericjustlookedgladtobealive.

Ashewalkedbacktothedugout,parentsstartedyellingathimandthecoachwasholleringathim.AndI’msittingtherethinking,Thisismynephew,andhe’sscared.SoIwentdowntothatlittle fencewhereEricwas, and I said, “Sweetheart, Idon’tknowwhat they’ve toldyouaboutbaseball,butletyourUncleJohnteachyousomething.Baseballisaverysimplegame.”

Hesaid,“Whatdoyoumean?”

I said, “You only have to do one thing. The next time you go up to bat, every timeButchthrows the ball, you just swing the bat. That’s all you have to do.Butch throws the ball; youswingthebat.Butchthrowstheball;youswingthebat.”

Helookedatmeandsaid,“That’sallIgottado?”

Isaid,“That’sall.Don’tworryabouthittingthatball;justswingthebat.”Andallofasuddenasmilebrokeoutonhisface,andhesaid,“Icandothat.”

Isaid,“Sureyoucandothat!Goget’em,boy.”

ThenexttimeEricgotuptobat,ButchthrewtheballandEricswungthebat.Hemisseditbyamile.Infact,heswungsolatetheballwasalreadyinthecatcher’sglove.Iamnowbeginningtoclapmyhands.Iamsaying,“Wonderfulswing,Eric,wonderfulswing.That-a-boy!EverytimeButchthrowstheball,youswingthebat.”

Butchthrowstheball;Ericswingsthebat.Butchthrowstheball;he’smissingitbyaboutthreefeet.Finally,hestrikesoutonthethirdstrike.I’monmyfeetshouting,“EricMcCullogh,thatisthefineststrikeoutIhaveeverseeninmylife.Waytogo!”

Atthatpoint,thecoachlooksupintothebleachersandgivesmeadirtylook.Andtheparentsaren’t toohappyeither.Margaretsays,“Sweetheart, I’mgonnago to thecarandreadabook.”ButIdon’tcare,becauseafterthisatbat,Ericissmiling.

Now,tobehonest,Ididn’tthinkEricwasgoingtogetahitthatday.Besides,inLittleLeaguebaseball,there’snosuchthingasahit.Ifthere’sanykindofcontact,it’snotthebathittingtheball;it’stheballhittingthebat.Andifthere’sonethingIknow,it’sthis:iftheballhitsthebat,it

doesn’t have to go far; it just has to go fair. And in Little League baseball, if the ball goesanywhereinfairterritory,youneverstoprunning.

Well, Ididn’t thinkitwasgonnahappen,but itdid.Thethird timeup,Butch threwtheball;Ericswings;theballhitsthebat.Itwasn’tacrackoutintocenterfield;itwasathud.AssoonasIsawtheballwasfair,I’moutofthebleachersandI’mrunningdownthefirstbaseline,saying,“Eric,keeponrunning,keeponrunning!”

AsEricgoesaroundfirstbase,IcutacrosstheinfieldasfastasIcan.I’mnowatthirdbaseandI’msaying,“Comeon,Eric!Comeon,Eric!”Ericroundsthirdbase,andtogetherweslidesafeintohome.Ericgetsupandbrushesoffhisuniform,Igetupandbrushoffmysuit;andaswewalkedoffthefield,Ijustlookedatthecoachandgavehimasmile.

WewenthomethatdaytoEric’shouse.Hisparentshadtoworkanddidn’tgettoseethegame;butwereplayeditforthem.IstoodinthemiddleofthelivingroomandIpretendedtobeButch,andEricstoodbythepianobench,whichwashomeplate.Ithrewthatpitch;hehitthatball.HewentaroundthebasesandEricslidsafeunderthepianobench.Weallstoodupandgavehimastandingovation,andthatdaywelaunchedEricintohisLittleLeaguebaseballcareer.

Ericisallgrownupnow.Butataboutthetimehewasreadytograduatefromhighschool,Ericcame out to visitme.And he said, “Uncle John, I’ve got something exciting to tell you.YouremembermyfirstLittleLeaguebaseballgame?”

“OfcourseIdo,”Isaid,andwereminiscedaboutit.

“I’ve never forgotten it,” Eric said. “And I just wanted to tell you, this year I’m going tocollegeonabaseballscholarship.”

Youdon’t have tobe rich, famous, or talented tohelpotherswin.You justneedtocareanddoyourbesttohelpthem.Andknowthis:whenyouhavetheabilitytohelpsomeonewin,youwillbethatperson’sfriendforlife.


Helping another person to win is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Ihaven’tmetapersonyetwhodoesn’tliketowin.AndeveryoneIknowwho’smadetheefforttohelpothershassaidthatitisthemostrewardingpartoflife.As poet Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “It is one of the most beautifulcompensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another withouthelpinghimself.”

“Itisoneofthemostbeautiful

“Itisoneofthemostbeautifulcompensationsoflifethatnomancansincerelytrytohelpanotherwithouthelpinghimself.”

—RALPHWALDOEMERSON

Ifyouwanttohelppeoplewin,thentakethefollowingsteps:

BELIEVEINPEOPLEAfter a conference in Toledo, a man came up to me and asked a pointed

question:“HowdoIgetunbelievableresultsfromaperson?”

“Haveunbelievableexpectationsaboutthatperson,”wasmyanswer.

Ifyoudon’tbelieveinpeople,thenyouareunlikelytodoeverythingyoucantohelpthemwin.Peopleknowwhensomeonedoesn’tbelieveinthem.Theyseeright through pretense and insincere backslapping. But when they know youbelieveinthem,magicbeginstohappen.WhatwriterJohnSpaldingsaidistrue:“Thosewhobelieveinourabilitydomorethanstimulateus,theycreateforusanatmosphereinwhichitbecomeseasiertosucceed.”

GIVEPEOPLEHOPEA reporter askedPrimeMinisterWinstonChurchill,who ledBritain during

thedarkmomentsoftheSecondWorldWar,whatwasthegreatestweaponhiscountrypossessedagainsttheNaziregimeofHitler.Withoutpausingforevenamoment, Churchill said, “It was what England’s greatest weapon has alwaysbeen—hope.”

Hope is one of the most powerful and energizing words in the Englishlanguage. It is something thatgivesuspower tokeepgoing in the toughestoftimes.Anditspowerenergizesuswithexcitementandanticipationaswe looktowardthefuture.

It’sbeensaidthatapersoncanlivefortydayswithoutfood,fourdayswithoutwater,fourminuteswithoutair,butonlyfoursecondswithouthope.Ifyouwanttohelppeoplewin,thenbecomeapurveyorofhope.

FOCUSONTHEPROCESS,NOTJUSTTHEWIN

Manyofusdesirethewinsomuchthatweforgetwhatit takestogetthere.We’relikethekidwhoplayschesswithhisgrandfather.Whenheloses,hesays,“Ohno!Notagain!Grampa,youalwayswin!”

“Whatdoyouwantme todo, loseonpurpose?” theoldman replies. “Youwon’tlearnanythingifIdothat!”

“Idon’twannalearnanything,”theboysays.“Ijustwannawin!”

That’s thewaywe often feel, but let’s be honest.Whichwins are themostsatisfying:theeasyonesortheoneswereallyhavetoworkfor?Whenyouhelpsomebodywin,don’tjusthandittohim,evenifit’sinyourpowertodoso.Helphimwin. If you assist him in the process, then you’re not just giving him thevictory;you’regivinghimthemeansforadditionalfuturevictories.Hecanwinandwinagain.Andtheonlythingsweeterthanawinisawholebunchofwins.

UNDERSTANDTHATWHENYOUHELPOTHERSWIN,YOUALSOWIN

In1984,LouWhittakerledthefirstall-AmericanteamtothesummitofMt.Everest.Aftermonthsofgruelingeffort,fivemembersoftheteamreachedthefinalcampsiteattwenty-seventhousandfeet.Withtwothousandfeettogo,theymet inacrowded tent.Whittakerhada toughdecision tomake:heknewhowhighlymotivatedall fiveclimberswere to standon thehighestpointonearth.Buttwowouldhavetogobacktothepreviouscamp,loadupfood,water,andoxygen, then return to the camp where they now met. After completing thissupportassignment,thesetwoclimberswouldbeinnoconditiontomakeatryforthesummit.Theotherswouldstayinthetentthatdaytodrinkwater,breatheoxygen,andrest,preparingthemforthesummitattemptthenextday.

ThefirstdecisionWhittakermadewastostayatthetwenty-seven-thousand-foot camp to coordinate the team’s activities. The next was to send the two

strongestclimbersdownthemountaintogetthesupplies;itwasthetougherjob.Thetwoweakerclimberswouldrest,renewtheirstrength,andreceivethegloryofthesummit.

Whenaskedwhyhedidn’tassignhimselfthesummitrun,hisanswershowedhisunderstandingofpeopleandthestrengthofhisleadership.Hesaid,“Myjobwastoputotherpeopleontop.”

Whittakerunderstoodthatwhenpeoplemaketherightdecisionsthathelptheteamtoachieveitsgoal,everybodywins.Youcan’thelpwinningwhenyouhelpotherswin.


WhenIthinkback,Icanremembermanypeopleinmylifewhohavehelpedmetowin.Thechairof thepsychologydepartmentat thecollege Iwent tohonedmy vision for graduate school.He showedmewhat steps to take and how tosucceed.George,afriendofmine,helpedmewinbyshowingmehowtolandandhostaradioshow.Janice,mypublicist,helpsmewineverytimeshegetsmeon a national television show to talk about one of my books. Kevin, anotherfriend, helped me win by showing me how to craft a meaningful missionstatementformylife.Ofcourse,Johnhashelpedmewininmycareeronseveralfronts.Everyonelikestowin.Andnobodywinswithouthelp.

Morethanthreedecadesago,aresearchstudyexaminedthekindsofpeoplewhorelatewelltoothers.Itlookedat268Harvardsophomoremen,consideredtobe“thebestandthebrightest,”andfollowedthemforfortyyears.Amongthefindingswasthefactthatmenwhowereemotionallyhealthiestrecognizedthatagoodlifewasnotabouttheabsenceofproblems,butabouthowonechoosestoreact to problems. In otherwords, thesemenperceived themselves aswinnersandhelpedothers towin inspiteof theircircumstances.Notsurprisingly, theyalsohadfarmoremeaningfulrelationshipswithothers.1


Forgetabout:

Approachinglifeasacompetitionwhereyouhaveto

Approachinglifeasacompetitionwhereyouhavetobeateveryoneelseinordertowin.

Ask:

WhomwouldImostliketohelpwinandhowcanIdoit?

Doit:

Makeagameplan.Charttheroadyouwilltraveltogetheronyourwaytovictory.

Remember:

Onceyouhelpsomeonewin,youwillhaveafriendforlife.

AClosingWordfromJohn

Allmylife,I’vebelievedthatanyonecanlearntowinwithpeople.Allittakesisabeliefinpeopleandasinceredesiretohelpthem.Ihopethatafterreadingthisbook,youbelievethattoo.

WealsohopethatyouwillembracethepracticesLesandIhaveendeavoredto teach. If you have already tried some of them out, then you’ve probablyalreadydiscoveredthattheyreallydowork.Ifyouwanttolearntomasterallofthem, then here’s how I suggest you proceed: put yourself on a twelve-weekprogram for winning with people. After starting with you, select two of thepracticesanddothemeverydayforanentireweek.Ifyoudothat,youwillgothroughaprocesswhereyouwill...

1.Becomeconsciousofhowthatwinningwayworks,

2.Learnthebasicsofhowtodoit,

3.Practiceituntilyoumasterit,and4.Begintomakeitahabit.

Youmaynotfeelinstantlycomfortabledoingsomeofthem,butthereisn’tasingleoneyoucan’tmaster.Andofcourse,keepaddingotherpracticesthatyoulearnonyourownor fromothers.Youcannever learn toomanyways towinwithpeople.

Here’stoyoursuccess:mayyoukeepwinningbyhelpingotherswin.

CHAPTER11.JamesPattersonandPeterKim,TheDayAmericaToldtheTruth(EastRutherford,NJ:PrenticeHallPress,1991).

CHAPTER21.WesSmith,HopeMeadows:Real-LifeStoriesofHealingandCaringfromanInspiringCommunity(NewYork:Berkley,2001).

CHAPTER31.J.G.Nicholls,“Creativityinthepersonwhowillneverproduceanythingoriginalanduseful:Theconceptofcreativityasanormallydistributedtrait,”AmericanPsychologist,27(8)(1972),717–27.

CHAPTER61.JamesC.Humes,TheWitandWisdomofWinstonChurchill(NewYork:HarperPerennial,1994),119–20.

2.Genesis17:5.

3.Genesis32:28.

4.HowardGardner,CreatingMinds:AnAnatomyofCreativitySeenThroughtheLivesofFreud,Einstein,Picasso,Stravinsky,Eliot,Graham,andGandhi(NewYork:BasicBooks,1993).

CHAPTER71.Proverbs25:11.

2.JamesKouzesandBarryPosner,EncouragingtheHeart:ALeader’sGuidetoRewardingandRecognizingOthers(SanFrancisco:Jossey-BassPublishers,1999).

3.H.S.Leonard,“Themanyfacesofcharacter,”ConsultingPsychologyJournal,49(4)(1997),235–45.

CHAPTER101.M.E.McCulloughandC.R.Snyder,“Classicalsourceofhumanstrength:Revisitinganoldhomeandbuildinganewone.”JournalofSocialandClinicalPsychology,19(1)(2000),1–10.

CHAPTER111.G.E.Vaillant,“Adaptivementalmechanisms:Theirroleinapositivepsychology,”AmericanPsychologist,55(1)(2000),89–98.

CHAPTER121.John8.

2.E.E.Werner,“Resilienceindevelopment,”CurrentDirectionsinPsychologicalScience,4(3)(1995),81–85.

CHAPTER131.D.A.Kramer,“Wisdomasaclassicalsourceofhumanstrength:Conceptualizationandempiricalinquiry,”JournalofSocialandClinicalPsychology,19(1)(2000),83–101.

CHAPTER141.R.M.RyanandE.L.Deci,“Self-determinationtheoryandthefacilitationofintrinsicmotivation,socialdevelopment,andwell-being,”AmericanPsychologist,55(1)(2000),68–78.

CHAPTER151.J.W.MacDevitt,“Therapist’spersonaltherapyandprofessionalself-awareness,”Psychotherapy,24(1987),693–703.

CHAPTER161.LesParrott,CounselingandPsychotherapy,2nded.(PacificGrove,CA:Brooks/Cole/ThomsonLearning,2003).

CHAPTER171.“WalkingtheMile:ABehind-the-ScenesDocumentary”(WarnerHomeVideo,1999).

2.BeldenLane,“RabbinicalStories,”ChristianCentury,98:41(16December1981).

3.KenSutterfield,ThePowerofanEncouragingWord(GreenForest,AR:NewLeaf,1997).

4.J.J.CamposandK.C.Barrett,“Towardanewunderstandingofemotionsandtheirdevelopment,”EmotionsCognition,andBehavior,eds.C.Izard,J.Kagan,andR.Zajonc(NewYork:CambridgeUniversityPress,1988).

CHAPTER191.D.P.McAdams,A.Diamond,E.deSt.Aubin,andE.Mansfield,“Storiesofcommitment:Thepsychosocialconstructionofgenerativelives,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,72(3)(1997),678–94.

CHAPTER201.I.K.M.Sheldon,R.M.Ryan,L.J.Rawsthorne,andB.Ilardi,“Traitselfandtrueself:Cross-rolevariationinthebig-fivepersonalitytraitsanditsrelationswithpsychologicalauthenticityandsubjectivewell-being,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,73(1997),1380–93.

CHAPTER211.SourceUnknown.

2.D.P.McAdamsandEddeSt.Aubin(ed.),GenerativityandAdultDevelopment:HowandWhyWeCarefortheNextGeneration(Washington,DC:APABooks,1998).

CHAPTER221.Othello,ActIII,Scene3.

2.J.D.BrownandT.A.Mankowski,“Self-esteem,moodandself-evaluation:Changesinmoodandthewayyouseeyou,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,64(1993),421.

CHAPTER231.M.E.P.SeligmanandM.Csikszentmihalyi,“Positivepsychology:Anintroduction,”AmericanPsychologist,55(1)(2000),5–14.

CHAPTER241.S.Harter,“Authenticity,”C.R.SnyderandS.J.Lopez,eds.,HandbookofPositivePsychology(NewYork:OxfordUniversityPress,2002),382–94.

CHAPTER251.Vaillant,AdaptationtoLife(Boston:LittleBrown,1977).

AbouttheAuthors

JohnC.Maxwell,knownasAmerica’sexpertonleadership,speaksinpersontohundredsofthousandsofpeopleeachyear.HehascommunicatedhisprinciplestoFortune500companies, theUnitedStatesMilitaryAcademyatWestPoint,internationalmarketingorganizations,theNCAA,andprofessionalsportsgroupssuch as the NFL. Maxwell is the founder of several leadership organizationsdedicatedtohelpingpeoplereachtheirpersonalandleadershippotential,suchasInjoyStewardshipServices.He dedicatesmuch of his time to training leadersworldwide through EQUIP, a non-profit organization. A New York Timesbestselling author with more than 8 million books in print, Dr. Maxwell haswrittenmore than thirty books, includingDeveloping the LeaderWithin You,TodayMatters,andThe21IrrefutableLawsofLeadership,whichhassoldmorethanonemillioncopies.

LesParrott,Ph.D., is founderof theCenter forRelationshipDevelopmentonthe campus of Seattle Pacific University and the bestselling author ofHigh-Maintenance Relationships, The Control Freak, Shoulda CouldaWoulda, andLoveTalk.Dr.Parrott is a sought after speaker toFortune500companiesandholdsrelationshipseminarsacrossNorthAmerica.Hecommunicatesannuallytoa wide variety of audiences, including professional athletes, governmentagencies, military personnel, and business leaders. He also hosts the nationalradio broadcast “LoveTalk.”Dr Parrott has been featured inUSAToday, theWallStreetJournal,andtheNewYorkTimes.HistelevisionappearancesincludeTheView,TheO’ReillyFactor,CNN,GoodMorningAmerica,andOprah.

Tolearnabouthisspeakingavailabilityandseminarschedules,aswellasallofDr.Parrott’sresources,contact:www.RealRelationships.com.

http://www.RealRelationships.com

copyright © 2005 by john c. maxwell...by john c. maxwell in the spring of 2004, soon after turning...

Documents