crashcourse - the winners of the annual crash awards

7/29/2019 Crashcourse - The Winners of the Annual Crash Awards

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CRASHCOURSE :

THE WINNERS OF THE ANNUAL CAR CRASH AWARDS

by Frank Roger

No doubt there will be cries of outrage once again. No doubt

we will once again be accused of blatant sensationalism. No doubt

what is left of the socalled "serious press" will rally against

us and file a formal complaint, dismissing our awards

presentation as a token of extreme bad taste, a total lack of

social conscience and a pathological penchant for the morbid and

the macabre. It has always been like this, and it isn't likely to

change in the foreseeable future.

As usual, we can only seek solace and comfort in the high

printrun of our publications (dwarfing those of our esteemed

"serious" competitors), our healthy cashflow situation (although

we thoroughly despise material wealth and all the worldly

benefits it entails), and the evergrowing interest the public at

large is showing for our endeavors (needless to say, popular

appeal leaves us totally indifferent).

But seriously, we've put your patience to the test for too

long already. Allow us to present this year's winners of the so

highly coveted car crash awards. Here we go...

It only took mr. Herv Beaugeste a short, if unplanned

afternoon nap behind the wheel of his gigantic truck to capture

the award for Most Dramatic Traffic Accident. The scene of this

memorable event was the Paris Ring at the height of rush hour,

packed with cars and trucks as usual. Lost in doubtlessly rosycolored dreams,

mr. Beaugeste steered his truck at high speed

into a sea of sluggishly moving vehicles, caught in a massive

jam. The cars were crushed like tin cans, compressed until thatparticular stretch of road had been transformed into an inferno

of battered and warped metal, larded with shredded human flesh,

as if a seriously deranged architect had been commissioned to

relandscape the road according to his boldest psychopathic

visions. Only when Herv Beaugeste's truck had finally ground to

a crunching halt, the results of its batteringramlike progress

became clear.

Conjure up before your mind's eye an aweinspiring

battlefield, drenched in spilled coolant, steam spiralling up

from it, a shroud of vapor smothering the agonized cries of the

mortally injured embedded in the hodgepodge of metal and flesh.

Back at the end of the carnage, a tanker had caught fire, rolling

out a carpet of greedily licking flames across the wreckage,quickly turning the simmering stew of crumpled cars and squashed

humans into a rare treat served flamb.

Dozens of people lost their lives that day. Many more were

seriously injured, among them, sadly, mr. Beaugeste, who will

receive his award when he rises from his coma in the James Dean

Hospital.

The judges chose to give the award for Most Original Traffic

Accident to mr. Rudolf Meine from Munich, Germany. While cruising

through downtown Munich, mr. Meine drove his Mercedes 300SE

straight into a large clothing store, in a desperate effort to

avoid knocking over a few children crossing the street as he came

along. Instead, mr. Meine knocked over about two dozen windowdummies, some unclad, some sporting the shop's newest items. They

were crushed under his wheels, torn to pieces or swept up and

thrown aside brutally.


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on the sidewalk in front of The Bull's Eye, their favorite pub.

The exact nature of what followed isn't quite clear, and miss

Jobson herself is, of course, unable to elucidate the matter due

to her critical condition.

"Could it perhaps have been a suicide attempt?" the judges

wondered. "Or was this foolhardy action spurred by a traumatizing

incident, an episode in miss Jobson's youth somehow involving

punks, a mental scar she wanted to exorcize from her mind? Or was

miss Jobson perhaps, unlikely as this may seem, a mentally

imbalanced person, giving in to an uncontrollable urge, suddenly

surfacing in her mind and obliterating all rational thought?"

Whatever the case might have been, the results were

impressive. Miss Jobson put the pedal to the metal and sped off

towards the unsuspecting punk gang. When it finally dawned on

their alcoholclouded minds what was in store for them, it was

too late to escape their nemesisonwheels. Its engine revved up

beyond the danger level, the Porsche came bursting forth and bit

into their leathercovered flesh, squashed it into pulp and

spread it all over The Bull's Eye's facade. In the process, the

Porsche itself was blown to smithereens, as was part of the

gang's hangout. A shower of twisted metal, shattered bricks and

shreds of human (or punk) flesh descended all over the area. Some

fragments were found as far away as a hundred meters from the

focus of this kamikaze mission, this epic battle between punk and

Porsche, the clash of angry lowlife and spoiledbratcrusade.

Unlike the punks, miss Jobson miraculously survived the

battle if only by a very narrow margin. She was thrown out of

the car, and rushed to the hospital in serious but not hopeless

condition. The most telling reminder of that eventful day,

however, is what was left of the Porsche : a pitiful carcass,

stripped down to its barest essentials, like a discarded weapon

left to rust on the battlefield, its original shape barely

recognizable, a tool that had served its purpose and had lost all

its value, except perhaps its power as a symbol of the hatred

fuelling merciless acts of violence perpetrated by irreconcilablemartyrs against their sworn enemies.

The special Cold Blood award has rarely ever been given to a

more appropriate contender.

Now that the judges have decided which names to add to the

Crashcourse Hall of Fame, they are relieved of their duties and

can take a muchdeserved rest.

A new panel of judges will soon be appointed for next year's

Crashcourse Awards Ceremony, scrutinizing TV and printed media

coverage of traffic accidents, studying them from all possible

angles, weighing their faults against their merits, separatingthe merely interesting cases from the truly outstanding

candidates.

Are you by any chance interested in who will win the awards

next year? Just be there! And drive carefully... unless you

cherish ambitions towards being nominated yourself.

crashcourse - the winners of the annual crash awards

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