crucial conversations “stop avoiding” · crucial conversations “stop avoiding ... it is our...

Crucial Conversations“Stop Avoiding”

David Nowling

Senior Vice President

RBSlade & Associates LLC.

©2012 VitalSmarts, L.C. All Rights Reserved


What is a Crucial Conversation?

Is Conversation an “Art”

What are the expected outcomes?


• Why?, What drives these outcomes or expectations?

– Isn't it your Bank’s:

Mission

Vision &

Values?


• Exercise……..

– Congratulations, you have all been hired as experts, consultants. I will give you your assignment on a card.


• What holds you back, what keeps you from being a “Dialogue Master”?

• Skills?

• Confidence?

• Motivation?


When we are in a crucial conversation, we have two choices:

Talk it out .. Or Act it out

-When it matters the most,

we often do our worst!


My left-hand column

Left-hand Right-hand


• The first thing that degrades in a crucial conversation is not our behavior, that is second.. It is our motive..

• Work on me first: As much as we would love to fix everyone else, the truth is we need to work on ourselves first.


• If you first don’t change your heart, any efforts to change your actions are likely to be insincere, shallow, and doomed to failure.

• We become blind to our own role in the problem

• Our motives degrade…. And we limit our choices.

Skill: Start with Heart

1) Work on me first

2) Focus on what you really want: Ask yourself… What is it I really want for myself and others

How would I behave if I did

Then behave as if you really do

Skill: Start with Heart

Tension, needs improved

Reasonably good

Strong, Positive

Relationships

Skill: Learn to Look

When a conversation turns crucial, we either miss or misinterpret the early warning signs.

• Worst: The worst at dialogue don’t notice the conditions are failing. Instead they react to the failed conditions, and they themselves move to either silence or violence.

• Good: Skilled people recognize that others are moving to silence or violence, and they water down their message to keep things from getting worse.


Best: Quickly recognize when a conversation has turned crucial and silence or violence is introduced and use their skills to keep the meeting on track.

Solution: The sooner we notice we are not in dialogue, the quicker we can get back to dialogue and lower the cost.


Silence is defined as any action taken to withhold information from the pool of meaning. It ranges from playing verbal games to avoiding a person entirely.

• Masking: Selectively showing our true opinion. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching.

• Avoiding: Staying completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk but without addressing the real issues.

• Withdrawing: Pulling out of communication. Steering clear of those who might raise difficult issues


Violence is defined as any action taken to compel others towards your point of view.

• Controlling: coercing others through how we share our views or drive the conversations itself. Cutting others off, overstating opinions, speaking in

absolutes.

• Labeling: is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype

• Attacking: speaks for itself. Given up the goal of convincing and have adopted the goal of punishing.


Learn to look for your own style under stress:

• By knowing what we typically do when our emotions start to kick in, we are able to put up a “caution sign” keep close tabs on our own reactions, guard against the worst tendencies, and either avoid problems altogether or catch them early.

Skill: Master my Stories

When it matters the most and our emotions kick in, we often do our worst - - and we feel like we are doing the right thing.

When we tell a story, which one does it sound like

Example A, or

Example B


Our “Stories” create our emotions

Our “Stories” create a path or direction for our response.

See & hear Tell a story Feel Act


Learn to Separate Facts from Stories

Retrace your path to action to its origin. Separate your facts (observations and feelings) from your stories.

Facts are visible and audible, they are verifiable. Facts include behaviors.

Stories are judgments, conclusions, and attributions that we make from facts.


Let’s pull this all together

–Start with Heart

–Work on “me” first

–Learn to look –

–Master my stories


Dave’s Approach to Crucial Conversations

Write out every critical meeting, several times before it even takes place.

Start with Heart and make sure my approach is consistent. (What is it I really want)

Start with purpose and intention of meeting, and what you’re going to tell them.

Facts… just the facts - Facts lead to a story

Ask for others paths (validating my story)

Talk tentatively


Dave’s Approach to Crucial Conversations

• Consider the audience and keep it at the appropriate level

• DON’T PILE ON• Be open and willing to be tested• After the meeting, revisit, what would you do

differently …..


Thank you for your time and attention, I wish you the best.

crucial conversations “stop avoiding” · crucial conversations “stop avoiding ... it is our...

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