Volume VII, Issue III

FALL 2014

Maryann, age 62, worked part-time as a bookkeeper for her son, who owned a small construction company in Rapid City, Iowa. While she didn’t make a large salary, she enjoyed contributing to the household finances maintained by her husband, Joe.

Living on a small retirement, Maryann and Joe had raised two sons and a daughter, and now counted six grandchildren who they adored. The couple regularly attended church, volunteered at the local library, visited their grandchildren every week, and had settled into their senior years with a quiet, unspoken satisfaction that their lives had been filled with purpose and that purpose had been achieved.

On an ordinary Wednesday, Maryann arrived home after work to find the living room strangely empty. Joe religiously watched the 5 p.m. news every day while waiting for Maryann’s arrival. But today the television sat dark and silent. She called out Joe’s name thinking he might be in another part of the house, perhaps changing the burned out light bulb she’d asked him to replace in the guest room. Joe didn’t respond. Checking the couple’s bedroom, Maryann saw something she never could have imagined. The closet door stood open. Joe’s clothes, which normally hung beside hers, were gone. Two suitcases, usually stowed beneath their clothes, were no longer there.

In the bathroom, Joe’s shaving items were also missing. After a few minutes of pulling out bedroom drawers, now devoid of her husband’s t-shirts, socks and underwear, Maryann sat on the couple’s bed in stunned silence.

The Runaway PartnerThree days passed before Joe phoned Maryann to tell her he was in Oklahoma and had no plans to return. “He couldn’t put into words exactly why he no longer wanted to be married to me,” Maryann recalls. “We never argued. We shared the same things in common. I thought we were happy.”

A week later, Joe filed for a divorce leaving Maryann devastated and confused of her sudden abandonment by a man she thought she knew.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

How Do You Mend a Broken Woman?PART I OF A TWO-PART SERIES“One of the hardest parts of being abandoned by the husband you’ve loved for more than 30 years is wrapping your head around how he could just simply walk away from his family, his obligations and his commitments. I doubt I will ever understand his choices and actions.”

THE VILLA VOICE

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According to Vikki Stark, MSW, an expert and author on runaway husbands, the type of man who abandons often appears to be unusually moral and trustworthy. “This makes it even harder for the wife to accept that his words are empty justifications,” Stark says. “In order to justify his decision not to include his wife in the process that led to the end of the marriage, he needs to come up with a compelling explanation for his actions. That explanation often has little to do with reality, causing the bewildered wife, who had previously trusted her husband’s word, to wrack her brain trying to make sense out of something that is inherently nonsensical.”

Stark adds that the torment, confusion and, ultimately, grief suffered by the deserted woman are a part of Wife Abandonment Syndrome. “Every woman who is subjected to Wife Abandonment Syndrome becomes deeply destabilized for some period of time,” Stark says. “Many experience relentless thoughts as they struggle to make sense of what happened.”

These thoughts often lead to obsessive mind games that cloud a woman’s judgment and continue to torture her psyche. How did this happen? What did I do wrong? How can I get him back? How can I hurt him back? How can I afford to live?

In part two of How Do You Mend a Broken Woman, The Villa Voice will explore how abandoned women can learn to let go from their sudden desertion and move forward to experience an even more fulfilling life.

HOW DO YOU MEND A BROKEN WOMAN CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

Dr. Kelly James, a licensed professional trauma therapist in Tulsa and a member of The Villa Voice editorial team, works with women who’ve experienced abandonment from her practice, Foundational Solutions. James says there are signs that often go unnoticed of a partner who may be preparing to leave the relationship.

“Abandonment does not happen out of the blue,” James says. “One person in the relationship is unhappy for whatever reason and starts to internally process his or her feelings. This person, however, does not communicate their unhappiness until, all of a sudden, they announce they want out of the marriage or simply leave.”

According to James, some of those signs include:

• Failing to make time for the spouse or partner

• Failing to make an effort to work on the relationship

• Taking the spouse or partner for granted

• Failing to resolve issues or conflicts

• Harsh treatment in words and/or actions

• Unforgiveness

• Denial of the state of the relationship

If you or a friend have experienced abandonment and need professional counseling to begin the healing process, call Foundational Solutions at 918.928.9585.

Why Intimate Partners Leave

Kelly A. James, Ph.D.Foundational Solutions

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P.O. Box 1588 | Sand Springs, OK 74063 | 918.245.4075 | DaySpringVilla.com

Kelly A. James, Ph.D.

With October barely a whisper away, DaySpring Villa is making final preparations for its 11th Annual Royal Feast and Live and Silent Auction to be held Saturday, Oct. 4, at the downtown Hyatt Regency located at 100 E. 2nd Street. The silent auction will begin promptly at 6 p.m. and conclude at 7:30 p.m. Dinner will be served at 7 p.m. Dress is festive.

“This year’s event is shaping up to be one of the most exciting fundraisers we’ve ever put together,” says Wilma Lively, DSV executive director. “In 2013 we shattered all previous records for attendance and fundraising, so we’re looking forward to exceeding even those numbers by offering special guest

speakers, exciting new silent and live auction items, and the opportunity to support a DaySpring Villa guest for a day, week or month.”

DSV’s Royal Feast fundraising goal this year is $50,000. All proceeds are used for the shelter’s growing operational expenses to provide shelter, food, and basic necessities for survivors of domestic violence and human sex trafficking.

David Merrill, CFO of Unit Corporation, and wife Barbara, a DaySpring Villa volunteer, will host the evening with emcee Lori Fullbright, anchor and crime reporter for KOTV Channel 6. Attendees can expect an evening of sumptuous

dining, a special musical guest, the traditional silent auction, a live auction for exciting weekend getaways and prizes, and a personal testimony by a DSV guest.

Those who wish to contribute items to the silent or live auction can call DSV at 918.245.4075 to make pick-up arrangements.

To reserve a table of 10 for $1,000 or individual seats for $100, visit DaySpringVilla.com’s event page, or call Wilma Lively at 918.245.4075.

11th Annual DaySpring Villa Royal Feast Promises Food, Fun and Fabulous Fall Finery

THE VILLA VOICE

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“I love what I do and I love knowing that I make a difference, but some days I lose hope. Some days I feel the need is too great, the hurts are too numerous, and my heart is empty. Some days I have no love left to spill out.” As children, many of us grew up with an idea of what we might become as adults later in life—a fireman, nurse, teacher, doctor, musician, writer, engineer, business leader, or even president of the United States. Too often, those whose lives have led them to help others in crisis go unrecognized for the positive impact they make not only on strangers, but the families and friends of those strangers, and invariably the communities in which they live.

DaySpring Villa Case Manager Shawna Howard is one of those selfless individuals who knew from an early age that she wanted to create tangible change in the lives of people who desperately needed help; to make a difference that would forever leave her fingerprint on quiet triumphs and extraordinary successes. But working with domestic violence and sex trafficking survivors also leaves many fingerprints on Shawna, as it does the entire staff of DaySpring Villa, who come to know the victims and their stories, and share their personal journeys toward a life free of violence.

“For those of us who work with victims of trauma, our reactions can be similar to the post-traumatic stress of a battered woman or sex trafficking victim,” Shawna says. “When we are repeatedly exposed

to the violent and painful experiences of our guests, we begin to view the world as unsafe. This can sometimes cause us to become cynical, even angry, and to withdraw from life by putting up walls to protect ourselves.”

Vicarious Trauma Vicarious trauma affects individuals who regularly assist victims of trauma, such as clergy, front-line social service workers, justice system professionals, healthcare providers, humanitarian workers, first-responders, and journalists. To offset the potential for burn-out, over-sensitivity, sleeplessness and depression, Shawna believes in self-care.

“I believe that vicarious trauma is an inevitable part of working with trauma survivors,” she says. “Yet it doesn’t have to knock us out of the fight. We can address it by being aware of our limitations, balancing our work with rest and leisure, staying connected with each other, and renewing our strength in the Lord. Our guests’ stories will change us

forever. To honor them and ourselves, we must fill up with self-care and become the survivors we strive to teach others to be.”

Editor’s Note: For years, The Villa Voice has covered the stories of victims and survivors of domestic violence and sexual trafficking, overlooking the impact of pain, grief, and loss on the staff of DSV who dedicates their lives to helping these victims and survivors. It’s time we recognize these unsung heroes who answer to a higher calling to help, heal and restore others. To all of our donors, volunteers, and those who believe in the tireless, beautiful work that DaySpring Villa demonstrates throughout the year, the editorial team asks that you keep the shelter’s staff members in your hearts, thoughts and prayers every day.

The Unsung Heroes of DaySpring VillaPART I – SHAWNA HOWARD

Shawna HowardDaySpring Villa Case Manager

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P.O. Box 1588 | Sand Springs, OK 74063 | 918.245.4075 | DaySpringVilla.com

The intake process at DaySpring Villa involves a staff member whose job it is to gather information from a domestic violence or sex trafficking victim who either has made a desperate call for help, or referred to the shelter by law authorities, churches, or friends and family.

During this process, DSV staff members listen to the reasons these victims have chosen to escape a violent relationship or situation. They hear unimaginable accounts of abuse, sexual or physical assault, sometimes torture, and extra-ordinary violence that many of us will never experience in our lifetimes much less encounter in our day-to-day jobs.

Over time, the impact on DSV staff equally can be as traumatic as the victims they meet. Envision going to bed every night after witnessing a bloodied and bruised stranger begging for help and protection, afraid that her abuser will find her and their children, and exact revenge upon them.

The subject of healing also applies to the staff members of DaySpring Villa who received a life-calling to work with women of domestic violence and sex trafficking. These women are real-world heroines determined to heal the pain and suffering of abuse victims through kindness, patience, understanding, goal-setting, advocacy, and so much more.

In your hearts, thoughts and prayers, take a moment to thank these special individuals who work to make women whole again and our community a most unique center of selfless love and giving.

The following op-ed by DSV Executive Director Wilma Lively appeared in the Saturday, Aug. 2 issue of The Tulsa World.

All too often our community is rendered numb with news of conflict, crime, and the worst of humanity. Good news tends to be downplayed, overlooked and even ignored. Every day, I see the remains of families who’ve been torn apart by domestic violence and young women who’ve escaped the clutches of sex trafficking.

I oversee the day-to-day operations of DaySpring Villa, Oklahoma’s first faith-based, certified shelter for domestic violence victims and adult women who have escaped sexual trafficking. As most of our donors know, we rely exclusively on the generosity of Oklahomans to not only house, feed and clothe the women and their children here, but help us give them the tools and direction to lead independent, self-sufficient lives.

While it’s easy to get caught up in the horrors some people inflict on others, I choose to seek out and recognize the amazing selflessness and goodness that lies within the majority of those who call Oklahoma home. A short time ago, DaySpring Villa announced the shelter lacked $65,147 of its $272,000 campaign goal to build a storm shelter for our guests and staff. Within a week, we received the funds to proceed with construction. While many donations came from individuals, churches and companies that know of us, others came from complete strangers who learned of a need and responded without a second thought.

To everyone who sacrificed a dinner out, the money for a concert, or dug deep in their pockets to help DaySpring Villa shelter and protect women and their children in crisis, thank you. Your act of kindness and generosity does not go unnoticed and is, in fact, celebrated each time a woman leaves us, prepared to start a life that is free of violence.

Tomorrow, when you turn on the television, listen to the radio, read the newspaper, or log on to the Internet, remember this: All that is good and right in our hearts and souls will forever triumph over that we cannot understand.

A Time for ThanksBY WILMA LIVELY

Empathy and Determination

THE VILLA VOICE

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In the simplest terms, loss is the corner-stone of healing. Loss of a spouse, parent, child or friend. Loss of employment. Loss of a pet. Even loss of a home that could not be saved.

Experts on loss and healing agree that experiencing loss is part of the natural order of life. Some use loss to empower their lives going forward, accepting loss as a lesson that either prepares for other un-expected losses in life, or warns of making bad choices that inevitably lead to more losses. Others use loss as an excuse for isolation; self-medicating which, conse-quently, only extends the feeling of loss; or developing a hatred for all things that cannot be controlled.

In the case of domestic violence, control by an abuser over an intimate partner be-comes a natural order for the relationship. Despite the regular trauma inflicted upon the victim, the victim begins to accept that trauma as “normal.” This normalcy can be described in hundreds of ways as each victim owns her own story and her own reasons for allowing the violence to continue.

“Many of the domestic violence and sex trafficking victims we work with grew up in violent homes, so they view their abuser as the same controlling partner they experi-enced with a parent, a mother’s boyfriend, or another dominant personality in the home,” says Wilma Lively, executive direc-tor of DaySpring Villa.

“Other victims grow up with no self-esteem or attention of any kind. So even when they experience a punch to the face or derogatory name-calling, this is a form of attention that fills their emptiness by reinforcing that their partner acknowl-edges them and must, therefore, care for them.”

A Time to HealHealing from the destructive effects of domestic violence or sex trafficking occurs differently for every victim. While they may share commonalities, whether in the past or present, each woman must come to terms with the fact that the violence inflicted upon them is not, or ever was, their fault.

According to Gail Kielson, a noted writer on the subject of domestic violence and healing, the body’s memory contains a long shelf-life. “The by-product of living with trauma is that it takes up residence in the body, settles into the pores, and attaches itself to the muscles and or-gans. The body becomes the receptacle. It remembers pain, senses danger, reacts to anything that is a reminder of that trauma.”

Lively suggests that time filled with pur-pose is the first step to healing for abused women. This is one reason DSV does not limit the amount of time a guest can remain at the shelter.

• Understand that the abuser is respon-sible for his actions and never was the victim’s fault

• No one deserves to be battered or abused, or made a human commodity for the purposes of sex trafficking

• The survivor is the expert of her own recovery process. This includes seek-ing professional help, making better choices, identifying their own needs, and developing a positive vision for their future

• While victims may not understand why they made a particular choice that brought them to this point, remember that victims make the best (and some-times only) choices and decisions they can under the constraints they face at the time

• Healing does not happen overnight. However, everyone has the ability to recover from traumatic experiences, particularly with support and the time required to accept the past, grow from the pain, and determine never to re-peat old mistakes.

If you or someone you know and love is caught in a domestic violence or sex trafficking situation, call DaySpring Villa at 918.245.4075 or visit us at DaySpringVilla.com.

The Long Road to Healing

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P.O. Box 1588 | Sand Springs, OK 74063 | 918.245.4075 | DaySpringVilla.com

Memorials & HonorariumsIn Memory of Vernon Kroamer Linda L. Curtis * One Day of Caring

In Memory of my mother Ruby Campbell’s homegoing Clyde & Debbie Harding * One Day of Caring

In Memory of Gerald “Butch” Nickles Donna Nickles

In Memory of Vernon Day Charlotte & George Paden

In Memory of Charles R. Simmons Robert & Rebecca Riess

In Memory of Geraldine Pittroff Robert & Rebecca Riess

In Memory of Ann Pryer Scott & Kay Pryer

In Memory of Melba Felber Linda L. Curtis * One Day of Caring

In Memory of Ida Faye Rock Phil & Pat Childress Debbie Roth June Roach Dan & Pam Doak

In Memory of Linda Colvard Dorothy F. Webber

In Memory of Samuel Burgess James C. & Betty Lou Tincher

In Memory of Steve Burgess James C. & Betty Lou Tincher

In Memory of my son Lee Lair Marian Rose Lair

In Memory of my wife Bobbie Mallory Perry M. Mallory

In Memory of Lawrence & Sally Harris In Memory of Perry & Mable Mallory Perry M. Mallory

In Memory of Galen Tweedy Le Roy & Glenda F. Tweedy

In Memory of my mother Lucille Senn Carol Sechrist

In Memory of Lucille Senn The Deacon Body First Baptist Church Apache, OK

In Memory of Shirley Samson Dalvin Tobin

In Honor of Bob & Ann Graham D.L. & Barbara Walling

In Honor of my sister Evelyn Cline Don Roe

In Honor of Joe & Barbara Long Dale & Ann Rogers

In Honor of Chief & Connie Barrick Dale & Ann Rogers

In Honor of the birthday of our beloved Sunday school teacher Ginger Anderson Growing In Faith Together Class Parkview Baptist, Tulsa

In Honor of Berneice Brown’s 90th birthday Todd & Sheila Mitchell

In Memory of Leland Jarold Turley Norma Wheeler Wilma Lively

*The gifts made in honor of a Royal Day of Caring is $102.72

To receive newsletters and other announcements via email, simply visit www.DaySpringVilla.com. Click on the green Connect with DaySpring Villa button in the left sidebar. It’s on every page of the website. You can also can the QR code to the left.

OUR MISSION IS TRANSFORMING LIVES.DaySpring Villa is Oklahoma’s first certified faith-based shelter for domestic violence victims and adult victims of human sex trafficking. Since 1995, we’ve transformed the lives of more than 6,450 women and children in crisis. Through goals-based programs, spiritual guidance, human compassion, and open hearts and minds, DaySpring Villa turns victims into vibrant survivors. As a non-profit organization, DaySpring Villa receives no United Way or government funding, so our ability to provide these women and children with protective shelter, basic needs, and professional ser-vices relies on financial gifts from caring individuals, corporations, foundations, and churches of every denomination.

Board of Directors

Nora Cook, PresidentDes BennettBill CoodySue FreemanEd HicksEd LunaRon LundinJohn NikkelScott PalmerJarene RobisonPhyllis Zimmerman-WadeJudy White

DaySpring Villa is a not-for-profit 501(c)(3) organization © 2014 DaySpring Villa

918.245.4075 DaySpringVilla.com

Follow us on Facebookwww.facebook.com/dayspringvilla

InsideHow Do You Mend a Broken Woman (Part I) 1

Why Intimate Partners Leave 2

11th Annual Royal Feast 3

The Unsung Heroes of DaySpring Villa 4

Empathy and Determination 5

A Time for Thanks 5

The Long Road to Healing 6

Memorials and Honorariums 7

Volunteers Infographic 8