Raising Values-Driven Boys Challenges for the Intentional Parent
St. Margaret’s Episcopal SchoolFeb. 13, 2013
Dr. Jeffrey NagelDr. Kay Ostensen
Ryan Sears
Agenda
v Brain Development & Stages
v Parenting Boys as They Become Young Men
v Coaching & Accessing Support Systems
v Ryan Sears - One Young Man’s Example of Service
v The Search Institute’s Study of Asset-Building
v “The Blessing” Coming of Age Ceremony
Brain Development
ChildrenChildren’’s basic needs s basic needs (including safety and (including safety and nurturing) must be met nurturing) must be met in order for them to in order for them to develop and/or use develop and/or use concrete or abstract concrete or abstract thinking.thinking.
Limit setting provides Limit setting provides needed structure and needed structure and predictability.predictability.
Patterns and routine Patterns and routine create healthy brain create healthy brain development and allow development and allow the brain to put energy in the brain to put energy in higher level functioning. higher level functioning.
Parenting Boys as They Become Young Men
q What is “intentional parenting”?
q Many things parents do so wellq Educationq nurturingq introducing the wider worldq teaching discernmentq modeling value choicesq praying/playingq building self-confidence through warm attention and
encouragement
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Parenting Boys as They Become Young Men- cont’d
Challenges for boys in our society academic and social pressure competition verbal and physical bullying discomfort dealing with puberty influence of the media, etc.
Red Flags
v Red flags to note, reflecting “over-the-top” anxiety or depression:v Social withdrawalv Irritabilityv Inability to focusv Drop in gradesv Defensive/hot temperv Increase in sleepv Change in appetite
Ways to Respond to Signs of Stress or Depression
Ø Accept his emotions and responses.
Ø Help him to learn to label emotions and feelingsØ Assist in learning to recognize when feelings are
building (anxiety, anger, frustration, fear, anticipation).
Ø Support him in learning warning signs for when stress or “the blues” are becoming unmanageable.
Ø Teach self-regulation and ways to relax.
Appropriate Responses (cont’d)
Ø Teach healthy ways of expressing feelings.
Ø Model and teach problem-solving skills. .
Ø Recognize and praise appropriate social skills and self-control.
Ø Assist in finding stress-reducing, calming activities.
Coaching from the Sidelines
² Set expectations of being respectful towards all, without having to like everyone.
² Avoid over-investment in your son’s social life.
² Help your son to speak directly about the issues.
² Empathize and explore possible solutions when problems arise.
² Manage your own stress - exercise, rest, relax, play..
Coaching (cont’d)
² Validate your son’s feelings.
² Help him to say “no.”² Parents can always be “the bad guy.”² Respect his decisions.² Process and follow-thru with positive or negative
consequences.
² Process issues together or provide a support network to do so
Teach Your Son How to Access Persons in the Support Network that Surrounds Him
ü School counselor
ü School Administrators
ü Teachers
ü Coaches
ü Therapists
ü Clergy
Grandparents and extended family
Siblings
Youth groups
Neighbors
Mentors
A Few Parting “Parent-to-Parent Tips”
v Look for and seize opportunities for reflection and conversation.
v Teach skills for your son to set boundaries with bullying behavior -v Be direct and firm: “Please stop.”v Use “I Statements”.
v Brainstorm ideas for alternative activities, when stress is occurring (increasing coping skills).
v Let him know that adults are there to help.
v Plan for regular family time, both structured (dinner/vacations) and “free.”
Framework
Search Institute conducted surveys of over 350,000 6th - 12th grade students in 600 communities
Focus groups
Developed dataset and framework based on research in the areas of: Positive Youth Development Prevention Resiliency
Protecting Youth from High-Risk Behavior
• . 0-10 Assets
11-20 Assets
21-30 Assets
31-40 Assets
Problem Alcohol Use
45% 26% 11% 3%
Violence 62% 38% 18% 6%
Illicit Drug Use 38% 18% 6% 1%
Sexual Activity 34% 23% 11% 3%
Promoting Positive Attitudes and Behaviors
0-10 Assets
11-20 Assets
21-30 Assets
31-40 Assets
Exhibits Leadership
48% 66% 78% 87%
Maintains Good Health
27% 48% 69% 88%
Values Diversity
39% 60% 76% 89%
Succeeds in School
9% 19% 34% 54%
The Blessing: the use of positive affirmation and setting values-based
expectations
Based on the Old Testament principle of passing on the covenant (promise) of God.
The covenant that was received was passed on from father to son for generations.
It is both an affirmation of the individual and the setting of expectations.
It is a recognition of the past and creating a vision for the future.
The Blessing: real life example
On 13th birthday
Gathering of the family
Reading of a blessing from various family members
The promise given to be beside our son through the trials ahead.
The Blessing to be repeated upon graduation from High School.
An excerpt from a blessing It is our hope that you are, indeed, firmly
planted. We intend to nourish you and help you to grow into a future that holds many promises. Psalm 1 talks about leaves that do not wither, and it is our hope that you will be able to weather the storms of life in a way that allows you to stand strong without withering. It is this hope that we want to help you understand. Not that life will be without challenges or adversity, but that you have a foundation that allows you to stand firm. and that we as your parents will be beside you to support you.