Raising Values-Driven Boys Challenges for the Intentional Parent

St. Margaret’s Episcopal SchoolFeb. 13, 2013

Dr. Jeffrey NagelDr. Kay Ostensen

Ryan Sears

Agenda

v Brain Development & Stages

v Parenting Boys as They Become Young Men

v Coaching & Accessing Support Systems

v Ryan Sears - One Young Man’s Example of Service

v The Search Institute’s Study of Asset-Building

v “The Blessing” Coming of Age Ceremony

Brain Development

ChildrenChildren’’s basic needs s basic needs (including safety and (including safety and nurturing) must be met nurturing) must be met in order for them to in order for them to develop and/or use develop and/or use concrete or abstract concrete or abstract thinking.thinking.

Limit setting provides Limit setting provides needed structure and needed structure and predictability.predictability.

Patterns and routine Patterns and routine create healthy brain create healthy brain development and allow development and allow the brain to put energy in the brain to put energy in higher level functioning. higher level functioning.

Developmental Stages-- Erik Erickson

Parenting Boys as They Become Young Men

q What is “intentional parenting”?

q Many things parents do so wellq Educationq nurturingq introducing the wider worldq teaching discernmentq modeling value choicesq praying/playingq building self-confidence through warm attention and

encouragement

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Parenting Boys as They Become Young Men- cont’d

Challenges for boys in our society academic and social pressure competition verbal and physical bullying discomfort dealing with puberty influence of the media, etc.

Red Flags

v Red flags to note, reflecting “over-the-top” anxiety or depression:v Social withdrawalv Irritabilityv Inability to focusv Drop in gradesv Defensive/hot temperv Increase in sleepv Change in appetite

Ways to Respond to Signs of Stress or Depression

Ø Accept his emotions and responses.

Ø Help him to learn to label emotions and feelingsØ Assist in learning to recognize when feelings are

building (anxiety, anger, frustration, fear, anticipation).

Ø Support him in learning warning signs for when stress or “the blues” are becoming unmanageable.

Ø Teach self-regulation and ways to relax.

Appropriate Responses (cont’d)

Ø Teach healthy ways of expressing feelings.

Ø Model and teach problem-solving skills. .

Ø Recognize and praise appropriate social skills and self-control.

Ø Assist in finding stress-reducing, calming activities.

Coaching from the Sidelines

² Set expectations of being respectful towards all, without having to like everyone.

² Avoid over-investment in your son’s social life.

² Help your son to speak directly about the issues.

² Empathize and explore possible solutions when problems arise.

² Manage your own stress - exercise, rest, relax, play..

Coaching (cont’d)

² Validate your son’s feelings.

² Help him to say “no.”² Parents can always be “the bad guy.”² Respect his decisions.² Process and follow-thru with positive or negative

consequences.

² Process issues together or provide a support network to do so

Teach Your Son How to Access Persons in the Support Network that Surrounds Him

ü School counselor

ü School Administrators

ü Teachers

ü Coaches

ü Therapists

ü Clergy

Grandparents and extended family

Siblings

Youth groups

Neighbors

Mentors

More on Cyber Issues:

LimitListenLimit

A Few Parting “Parent-to-Parent Tips”

v Look for and seize opportunities for reflection and conversation.

v Teach skills for your son to set boundaries with bullying behavior -v Be direct and firm: “Please stop.”v Use “I Statements”.

v Brainstorm ideas for alternative activities, when stress is occurring (increasing coping skills).

v Let him know that adults are there to help.

v Plan for regular family time, both structured (dinner/vacations) and “free.”

Ryan Sears - one young man’s dedication to service

Developmental Assets

Search Institute’s model on Positive Youth Development

Framework

Search Institute conducted surveys of over 350,000 6th - 12th grade students in 600 communities

Focus groups

Developed dataset and framework based on research in the areas of: Positive Youth Development Prevention Resiliency

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Protecting Youth from High-Risk Behavior

• . 0-10 Assets

11-20 Assets

21-30 Assets

31-40 Assets

Problem Alcohol Use

45% 26% 11% 3%

Violence 62% 38% 18% 6%

Illicit Drug Use 38% 18% 6% 1%

Sexual Activity 34% 23% 11% 3%

Protection from High-Risk Behaviors

Promoting Positive Attitudes and Behaviors

0-10 Assets

11-20 Assets

21-30 Assets

31-40 Assets

Exhibits Leadership

48% 66% 78% 87%

Maintains Good Health

27% 48% 69% 88%

Values Diversity

39% 60% 76% 89%

Succeeds in School

9% 19% 34% 54%

Promoting Positive Attitudes and Behaviors

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The Blessing: the use of positive affirmation and setting values-based

expectations

Based on the Old Testament principle of passing on the covenant (promise) of God.

The covenant that was received was passed on from father to son for generations.

It is both an affirmation of the individual and the setting of expectations.

It is a recognition of the past and creating a vision for the future.

The Blessing: real life example

On 13th birthday

Gathering of the family

Reading of a blessing from various family members

The promise given to be beside our son through the trials ahead.

The Blessing to be repeated upon graduation from High School.

An excerpt from a blessing It is our hope that you are, indeed, firmly

planted. We intend to nourish you and help you to grow into a future that holds many promises. Psalm 1 talks about leaves that do not wither, and it is our hope that you will be able to weather the storms of life in a way that allows you to stand strong without withering. It is this hope that we want to help you understand. Not that life will be without challenges or adversity, but that you have a foundation that allows you to stand firm. and that we as your parents will be beside you to support you.

Impact of positive affirmation

Filling the glass Example from clinical

practice jh

Group Discussion

Thank you foryou for joining ustoday ~ Dr. Jeff, Dr. Kay & Ryan