Healthy Communication

&Limit-Setting

St. Margaret’s Episcopal SchoolFebruary 12, 2014

Dr. Kay OstensenJoy Cleary, LCSW

AgendaCauses of Children’s Behavior

Childhood and Adolescent Brain Development

Household Structure

Communication

Limit Setting

Effective Discipline

Skills Practice

Discussion

Causes of Children’s Behavior

Genetic Make-up

Temperament

Family Environment

Previous Learning and Experiences

Accidental Rewards for Misbehavior

Escalation Traps

Developmental Stages

Social Environment, Media Influences

Stress, Anger, Depression, Anxiety, and other Underlying Feelings

What skills do we want to encourage in our children? How to Communicate with Others

Expressing ideas, views, and needs appropriately Cooperating with adult requests Requesting assistance when needed Being aware of their impact on others and others’ feelings

How to Manage their Feelings Expressing feelings in ways that do not harm others Controlling hurtful actions and thinking before acting Developing positive feelings about themselves and others

How to Be Independent Doing things for themselves Being responsible for their own actions

How to Solve Problems Problem-solving and considering alternative solutions to problems Negotiating and compromising

Brain Development

NeocortexNeocortex

LimbicLimbic

DiencephalonDiencephalon

BrainstemBrainstem

Abstract thoughtAbstract thought

Concrete thoughtConcrete thoughtAffiliationAffiliation

"Attachment"Attachment""Sexual Sexual

BehaviorBehaviorEmotional ReactivityEmotional Reactivity

"Arousal""Arousal"

Appetite/SatietyAppetite/Satiety

Blood PressureBlood PressureHeart RateHeart Rate

Body Body TemperatureTemperature

SleepSleep

Motor RegulationMotor Regulation

All rights reserved © 2004 Dr. Bruce Perry

The Adolescent BrainMajor changes in the pre-frontal cortex, the area of the

brain that is responsible for: Planning Working memory Organization Modulating mood

Amygdala (reactions) is more developed than the prefrontal cortex (rational thought). Studies show that teens have difficulty interpreting facial emotions and non-verbal language, compared to adults (Frontline, 2013).

NIH studies indicate that individuals aged 15-25 take more risks than any other age group. Teens are more influenced by the potential rewards or outcome of an activity than the potential risks. Their developmental stage also causes them to be much more likely to take risks in the presence of peers.

Healthy & EffectiveCommunication

“The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice.”

–Peggy O’Mara

Helping Foster Positive Development

• Developing positive relationships– Spend quality time with your child.– Talk with your child.– Show affection.

• Encouraging desirable behavior– Praise your child.– Give your child attention.– Provide engaging activities.

• Teaching new skills and behaviors– Set a good example.– Use behavior charts.

Ground Rules

Rules should tell children what to do, rather than not what to do.

(i.e. Walk in the house/ Don’t run, Speak in a pleasant tone/ Don’t shout, Keep your hands to yourself/ Don’t fight.)

Rules should be:• Few• Fair• Easy to follow• Enforceable• Positively stated

- Managing misbehavior

Ground Rules

Children need limits and need to know what is expected of them and how they should behave. Establishing a few basic house rules (4-5) can help.

You may choose to call a family meeting* and decide on some rules with your family.

*Family meetings can also provide a ‘check-in’ to discuss weekly behavior.

- Managing misbehavior

Giving Directions Make statements:

The simpler the better. “Please put your clothes away.”

Avoid explanations: State the command quickly and avoid lengthy explanations about why your child must

comply. Explanations provide an opportunity for the child to try to negotiate or escape the instruction.

State consequences of compliance and non-compliance: i.e. “Do your homework or you will lose video game privileges.”

Follow-up: Provide ample time for your child to complete and avoid repeating.

Follow-up with non-compliance: Mean what you say. Following through on your commands for compliance is critical; it is

better to not give a command rather than to give a command and not back up compliance with consequences.

Follow-up with compliance: Provide praise consistently when your child begins to comply, as well as while they are

complying and after the child completes the task. When applicable you should provide stated reward for compliance (i.e. permitted to have video games).

“I” MessagesUsing “I” messages is effective for getting the message

across without raising your teen’s defensiveness. “I” messages communicate feelings and focus on the parent rather than on the teen. Try to use a calm and neutral tone so that the message can be heard.

“I” messages have 4 parts: Tell what is happening Share how it makes you feel Explain why Give ideas for improvement

Example: “When you don’t call me, I feel worried because I don’t know where you are.”

“I” Messages Practice

When ____________________________

I feel______________________________

Because __________________________

Next time, ________________________

Please and thank you

PraiseBenefits include: increasing appropriate behavior and decreasing inappropriate behavior, contributing to positive self-esteem/self- image and motivating the teen to persevere in mastering new skills or accomplishing difficult tasks.

Use labeled praise For example, “I like the way you got your homework done” conveys more

information than “Good job.”

Use enthusiasm: Praise with a sincere and enthusiastic tone and use non-verbal rewards, such as

‘high-5’s’, smiles and hugs.

Avoid criticism: For example, a parent might say, “Good job on doing your homework -why can’t

you always do that?”

Find opportunities to praise: The use of praise in instances when your child behaves appropriately, or follows

rules without being asked to do so, is especially important in increasing the likelihood of compliant behaviors in the future.

Household Structure

Household StructureIn a home with more than one caregiver,

designate a time for the caregivers to communicate about limit setting and make adjustments where necessary.

Plan ahead for safe places for consequences, such as time-out at the kitchen table.

Consider family goals/routines by weekly or monthly challenges

RoutinesDaily

MorningAfter schoolBed-timeWeekend

WeeklyChoresActivities Incentives to earn/consequences

Limit-Setting and Discipline

Purpose of Setting Limits Helps children:

Develop self-regulation.Feel safe - physically and emotionally.Understand how to make choices

And that choices have consequences.Learn to deal with frustrations.

Helps them understand that there are healthy ways to express feelings and frustrations.

Setting LimitsDecide where the line will be.

Plan family rules and expectations.Find foundation in family values.

Communicate expectations.Developmentally appropriate.Check for understanding.

Praise positive choices- often!Be specific and describe the positive behavior.

Implement consequences consistently.

Setting Limits (cont’d)

Act quickly and consistently.Determine ahead of time if you will offer 1 “chance”

or “warning.”Communicate this to your child ahead of time.

Stay calm and implement consequence.

After child is calm, review the situation and plan for the future.

Adapt as necessary (and communicate changes).

Negotiables vs. Non-Negotiables

Consequences vs. Punishment

Consequences are intended to teach children about cause and effect. They enhance internal control and develop a sense

of right and wrong.They can be delivered with empathy and love.

Punishment creates a power and control dynamic.Can be shaming.Often backfires.

Mild Problem Behaviors

Directed discussion Best used when a child occasionally forgets a basic

house rule.

Talk the child through the rule and walk through another attempt --“try again”.

Planned ignoring/Active ignoring Deliberately avoid paying attention when there is a

minor problem behavior being demonstrated (i.e. a whiny voice)

- Managing misbehavior

Clear, Calm Instructions

Get close – within an arm’s length. Get down to your child’s eye level. Gain your child’s attention – say his/her name. Get eye contact whenever possible. Use a calm voice.

• Say exactly what you want your child to do. (i.e. “Heidi, it’s time for dinner. Come to the table.” )

• Pause briefly to give time to comply* • if complying, praise

• If not complying, repeat a start instruction once – do not repeat a stop instruction and back up with consequence

(i.e. a stop instruction: ”Theo, stop hitting your brother. Keep your hands to yourself.”)

- Implementing

Physical

Verbal

Start RoutineCompliance

Behavior correctionStop Routine

Choosing Logical Consequences

Back up your instructions with logical consequences Choose a consequence that fits the situation. If possible remove the

activity or toy that is at the center of the problem (5-30 minutes).

Withdraw the activity Do not debate or argue the point with your child. Act as soon as the

problem occurs. Explain why you are removing the toy/activity. “You are not sharing the puzzle, I’m putting it away for 5 minutes.” “You are still arguing over the TV, TV is off for 10 minutes.”

Return the activity Keep to the agreement. When time is up, return the activity/toy so child

can learn to behave appropriately. Review expectations.

Use another consequence, if necessary If a problem happens again, follow up with longer removal time.

Logical ConsequencesVary consequences.

Keep consequences related to the situation.

Teach the consequence of that behavior.

Examples:Child takes a toy from another child. Take the toy

away.Child drops and breaks a plate. Child helps with

clean-up.Child takes something from the store. Child has to

use some of allowance money to pay for the item.

Parental Self-CareImplement consequences firmly and calmly.

Take a “time-out” for you, when needed.

Reflect on the situation after the fact.

Discuss feelings with another adult.

Thank you for joining us this morning and sharing your ideas!

Questions?

Kay Ostensen, Ph.D. Joy Cleary, LCSW(949) 706-2777

kay@SeasideSolutions.org joy@SeasideSolutions.org

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