Conversational Styles: Men and Women

Communication between men and women can be like cross cultural communication, prey to a clash of conversational styles.

Deborah Tannen (1990)

Women’s conversational styles

Men’s conversational styles

Conversational styles in relationships

OVERVIEW

Establish and maintain relationshipsConversation is an

essential part of a relationship

Share and learn about others

GOALS of WOMEN’S SPEECH

Show equality Show support Include others Tell about themselves Are tentative

FEATURES of WOMEN’S SPEECH

Show equality by matching experiences“You’re not alone in

how you feel.”“I’ve done the same

thing many times.”

EQUALITY

Women respond and build on each other’s ideasRather than “you-tell-your-idea-then-I’ll-

tell-mine,” voices weave together to create conversations.

Make others feel valued

SHOW SUPPORT

Understand the other person’s feelings“Tell me about what happened.”“How did you feel when it occurred?”“Do you think it was deliberate?”

Express sympathy“Oh, you must feel terrible.”“I think you did the right thing.”“I really hear what you are saying.”

SHOW SUPPORT

Make others feel valued and included Women often start topics for others

“How was your day”“Tell me about your meeting”“Did anything interesting happen on

your trip”

INCLUDE SPEAKING PARTNERS

TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES

Stories about themselves

Share experiences about themselves

Verbal Hedges “I kind of feel you may be overreacting”“I’m not the best judge of this, but...”

Use tag questions that invite responses“That was a pretty good movie, wasn’t

it?”“We should get out this weekend, don’t

you think?”

TENTATIVE

MEN’S SPEECH

Achieve goalsSolve a problemWin an argument Make someone

laughGet information

Improve status.

GOALS of MEN’S SPEECH

Show off Speak in general

terms Are less

responsive Talk assertively Dominate

conversations

FEATURES of MEN’S SPEECH

SHOW OFF

Knowledge Ability Skills

Offer few concrete experiences and personal feelings

Talk less about themselves Talking about personal problems shows that

you are weak

SPEAK in GENERAL TERMS

Use more “minimal response cues”Yeah, uh-uh, hmm,

etc. Show less

sympathy Sympathy is a way

of looking down on someone

ARE LESS RESPONSIVE

TALK ASSERTIVELY

Direct & forceful Advice is what you

should do Men use fewer

hedges

DOMINATE CONVERSATIONS

Talk more than women Talk more frequently Talk longer Select the topic of

conversation Interrupt (stop other

people from talking) more

RELATIONSHIPS

WOMEN A relationship is

going fine if there is talk

Talk is a process to support a relationship

Talk is a way to show closeness

“We need to talk,” shows that we care about each other

MEN A relationship is

going fine if there is no need to talk

Talk is to solve relationship problems

Talk indicates a problem

“We need to talk” is a signal to run away.