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Love
What is love?How do you define it?
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Love Unconditional positive
regardHowever according to
Levine (2007) adult relationships are highly
conditional – we are constantly being evaluated
by our partners.
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Falling in love - a grave mental disease
Plato
Falling in love is a time when the normal become
psychoticFreud
Cupid’s arrow
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Chemistry of falling in love
What are the physical reactions that can accompany ‘falling in love’?‘high’ feeling – excitement, elation, giddiness Cause – increased activity of neurotransmitters in brain [norepinephrine, dopamine, esp. phenylethylamine (PEA)] Plus endorphins (morphine like substances) - calming chemicalsLove ‘highs’ do not last – usually 6-18 months – possibly because body develops tolerance … romantic love is short lived.Withdrawal – loss of mood lifting chemicals – similar effects to withdrawal of amphets and loss of ‘calming’ endorphins – dramatic breakups cause pain. Liebowitz (1983). Chemistry of love.
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Words to describe falling in love
Your words? Earth shattering Trance Beguiling Amazed Exhilarated Sudden and
intense Trepidation Struck by Cupid’s
arrow
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Romantic love and marriage around the world
Romantic love not only a European invention (developed from the Medieval tradition of courtly love).
Romantic love - experienced in all cultures, although valued differently between cultures.
The more individuals are autonomous (ie. free, not bound by strict family or tribal ties), the more they consider romantic love a requirement for selecting a partner
The more bound by family or tribal ties, the less romantic love is considered a prerequisite.
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Romantic love is …Knee identifies five components of
romantic love: (1) the belief that love conquers all;(2) the belief that each person has only
one true love;(3) the expectation that the beloved will
live up to the ideals of the lover;(4) love at first sight is possible; and(5) it is better to follow your heart than
your head when choosing a partner. Knee (1998)
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Intimacy, passion & commitment
Stenberg’s model of love consists of 1. intimacy2. passion 3. commitment.
Various types of love arise as each of these 3 components is added into the mix.
These range from non-love (an absence of all 3) to consummate love (the presence of all 3).
Sternberg (1988)
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Falling in love - why and with whom???
If you have ever been in love – what attracted you to your partner?
PROXIMITYSIMILARITYRECIPROCITY – when we receive
actions of liking or loving, we tend to return the same response (Curtis and Miller, 1988)
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
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Essential qualities required to sustain a positive relationship
An understanding you are not always right.
A willingness to live mainly in the present.
Promotion of the other’s well being and also your own.
Active cooperation with each other. A willingness to accept that one’s
partner is not perfect.Coates (1999)
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Demystifying Love
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9 nouns of love- all stages may be experienced throughout adult life
- range of possibilities of meaning
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
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Demystifying love
1. Love is an idealised ambition- to achieve a lasting state of interpersonal harmony with another – eg. raise children, successful career and enjoyment of life- sexual pleasure and fidelity- a comfortable sense of individuality and couplehood- assist us to mature and cope with life’s demands
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
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Demystifying love
2. Love is an arrangement – a deal- what will the person bring to my life?- carefully consider potential partner’s assets- exchanges of hopes, expectations and deals- young people in their first relationships usually don’t think in these terms
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
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Demystifying love
3. Love is an attachment- after the deal comes the attachment- weaving together- sex facilitates this attachment
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
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Demystifying love
4. Love is a moral commitment- eg. a marriage or some sort of ceremony- raises the bar of expectations- people vary in how seriously they take their vows – moral dilemma – guilt around eg. infidelity, divorce
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
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Demystifying love
5. Love is a management process- love exists publicly AND in the privacy of each partner’s mind- both positive and negative (and sometimes keep the negative private)- we protect them – our partner needs the illusion that we don’t struggle to love them- HIS relationship/ HER relationship
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
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Demystifying love
6. Love is a force of nature- biology – eg. reproduction- how individuals behave- throughout the ever changing relationship
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
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Demystifying love
7. Love is a transient emotional state- a number of feelings- pleasure, interest and sexual arousal
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
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Demystifying love
8. Love is an illusion- we want to believe in the illusion - internal processes to maintain the relationship- society and esp media simplifies love as though everyone knows what love is
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
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Demystifying love
9. Love as a stop sign- why? - linked to illusion – a defence against self discovery- to end the enquiry – “I love him/her”
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
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Demystifying loveVerbs of love
- falling - being
- staying
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Staying in Love
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- a study in adult maturation- working through many challenges- putting “money in the bank” – maintains our idealised image of partner - requires competence in the relationship
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Staying in love – predictors
(Gottman)- ability to repair their relationship – de-
escalation of negative thoughts and positive regard for other despite problems
- women’s soft presentation of problem and men’s willingness to stay involved in the conversation
- men’s ability to accept influence from their partner
- Humour – environment of positive emotions – good for WHOLE family
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Staying in love – 3 more
competencies1. Genuineness – sharing our inner
world with the other (Fromm)2. Overcoming narcissism – putting
the needs of the other (and children) at times ahead of own needs
3. Negotiation and share decision making
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Assisting people to stay in love -
speaking1. The capacity to know what one
thinks and feels2. The willingness to explain it to
another3. The skill to express the feelings
and the ideas with words
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Assisting people to stay in love -
listening1. An uncritical acceptance of what
is said2. An awareness of the importance
of the moment for the speaker3. A grasp of what is being said4. A sense of privilege that he/she is
present to hear what the speaker has to say
.
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Fair communication
1. No name calling2. No threatening to leave, divorce
or other withdrawal strategy3. No needless assaults on the other
person’s vulnerability (vulnerabilities that they each know so well)
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How to Stay In Love
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“If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call
you could make, who would you call and what
would you say? …
And why are you waiting?”