Download - The Special Needs Family
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Tim Sweeney, LCSW
University of Mary Washington
April 22, 2009
The Special Needs Family
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1. Provide a loving and nurturing environment for your child
2. Strive for a happy and healthy marriage
3. Develop and live by a family mission statement
4. Provide each child the opportunity to develop to their potential
Family Priorities
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Regardless of our family structure, the most
important thing we can do for our children is provide
secure attachment.
Priority #1 – Provide a Loving and Nurturing
Environment
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Attachment is the enduring emotional tie between infant and caregiver.
John Bowlby
Attachment is a biological system of proximity seeking behavior to specific figures for protection and/or comfort.
Robert Neborsky
Attachment Theory
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Attunement - Aligning the parent’s own internal states with those of the child, often accomplished by the sharing of non-verbal signals.
Balance - A child’s attainment of balance of its body, emotions and states of mind through attunement with the parent.
Coherence - The sense of integration that is acquired by the child through its relationship with its parents in which the child is able to come to feel both internally integrated and interpersonally connected to others.
Siegal and HartzellParenting from the Inside Out
The ABCs of Attachment
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Secure Attachment (50-67% of us)Caregiver is responsive and
nurturingOffers a safe haven and secure
basePromotes healthy and autonomous
relationshipsCan recover from misfortune Rarely acts as victim
Types of Attachment
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Insecure AttachmentAvoidant
Dismissive, aloof, disconnected
AnxiousResistant, angry, passive, needy
DisorganizedMost difficult typeAbusive caregiverCaregiver is source of terror and alarm
Types of Attachment
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NeglectRejectionRole ReversalInconsistencyAbuse (Physical, Sexual, Emotional)
“Good Enough Parenting”D. W. Winnicott
Parental Behaviors that Threaten Secure
Attachment
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By making sense of the impact of insecure attachment on our own lives“Be the author of our own life story.” Daniel
Siegel
Find supportive, empathic emotional relationships that encourage authenticity and nurturing, direct communication.
Breaking the Cycle of
Insecure Attachment
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Be open to internal recollections that can fit into a larger picture of your life.
Have attuned communication between parent and child to share and amplify positive emotions and share and soothe negative ones.
Work on leftover issues of the parent that can block secure attachment and block accurate perception of child’s signals.
Promoting Secure Attachment
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Any Marriage with a Special Needs Child or Children is a Special Marriage
You must have basics of a good marriage
before you can have a Special Marriage
Priority #2 – Strive for a Happy
And Healthy Marriage
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John Gottman, PhD: two distinct periods during a marriage/relationshipWhen we disagreeWhen we get along
Influences the intensity/ depth/outcomes of disagreements
He calls it “positive sentiment override”
Fundamentals of a
Good Marriage
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Accentuate the positiveDon’t eliminate the negativeHave a positive to negative
interaction ratio of at least 5 to 1Results in Positive Sentiment
OverrideMarriages of a 1 to 1.25 positive to
negative ratio spells serious trouble
Successful Relationships
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69% of all divorces are caused by unresolvable differences that are not addressed!Conflict resolution tactics will not helpCouples must learn to come to an
arrangement on major problems while honoring and respecting each other
Develop tolerance
Unresolvable Differences?
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“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how
you deal with incompatibility.”
Leo Tolstoy
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Harsh Startup (starting off on wrong foot)
Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the ApocalypseCriticism – vague, broad, attacks characterContempt – sarcasm, disgust, mockery,
hostile humorDefensiveness – denial, excuses, cross-
complainingStonewalling – withdrawal, refusal to engage
Negative Interactions
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Criticism – the antidote is a complaintSpecific, behavior-oriented, not
attacking characterDefensiveness – accepting
responsibility for part of the problemContempt – creating a culture of
praise and prideStonewalling – self-soothing, staying
emotionally connected
Antidotes to the Four Horsemen
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50% - marriages 67% - second marriages 74% - third marriages 65-72% of marriages with special needs children
Divorce Rates
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Sweden – 54.9%Australia – 46%Russia – 43.3%Germany – 39.4%Japan – 27%Singapore – 17.2%
Spain – 15.2%Albania – 10.9%Italy – 10%Turkey – 6%India 1.1%
2002 – Americans for Divorce Reform
Divorce Rates in Other Countries
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Any marriage with one or more
special needs child is a special marriage.
The Special Marriage
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“The National Survey of Children with Special
Health Care Needs 2005-2006”
Study done by the Department of Health and Human Services – Health Resources and Services
Administration
http://mchb.hrsa.gov/cshcn05/
Special Needs Defined
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Special Needs DefinedChildren with Special Health Care Needs are
“...those who have or are at increased risk for a chronic physical, developmental, behavioral, or emotional condition and who also require health and related services of a type or amount beyond that required by children generally.”
McPherson, M, et.al., Pediatrics, 102(1):137–140, 1998
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13.9% of children in U.S. or 10.2 million children are special needs (16.1% boys, 11.6% girls)
3.5% of special needs children are uninsured
1/3 of families say insurance coverage is insufficient
23.8% of parents cut back/stop working
Survey Results
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Gender differences can be more pronouncedConflicts about the disability can interfere
with relationshipOne parent (usually the mother) gets
enmeshed in the disabilityOne parent (usually the father) gets distant
and develops more outside interests (work)
Challenges of the Special Marriage
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Denial of disability – The “He/she will be fine” school of thoughtOther spouse has to become the total resource
coordinatorLoss of idealized child – griefDisagreement on level/style of interventionMarriage gets neglected
Child’s disability becomes the central issue of the marriage
Common Pitfalls
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Recognize/discuss differences in your feelings about the child(ren).
Develop helpful support structuresAssociationsGroupsOther parents
Divide and conquer e.g., mothers do appointments and fathers
advocate with insurance company
Keeping the Marriage Special
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Honor the relationshipHave a life outside of the disabilityAs possible, do things as a coupleAs possible, do things for yourself
Mothers often prefer being with friends
Fathers often prefer doing thingsWork on issues within the marriage
Special Marriages
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Women:Recognize the intensity of emotions is
overwhelming for menMen often react by working harder and can
feel unappreciated for doing soMen need education about the disabilityMen can take longer to process the situationAre solution-oriented and may try to “fix” the
child
Address Gender Differences
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Men:Women often feel they are carrying too much
of the burdenProvide more help than is customarySpend time with the child (floor time)
Good for the childLet’s mother have time for other things
Women have needs to convey their feelings more than menNeed listening and compassion
Address Gender Differences
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Be aware of the emotional peaks and valleys in having a child with special needs
Guilt and blame damage intimacy and ruin the marriage
Avoid criticizing your spouse concerning his/her approach to treating the disability. Let your spouse learn from mistakes.
Both parents being very involved with parenting increase chances of successful special marriages
Special Marriages
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Identity is driven by equal input from parents and children
Make the family the priorityCreate “Family Time” and be faithful
to itDevelop a family mission statement
Priority #3 – Develop and Live by a Family Mission
Statement
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1. Be proactive2. Begin with the end in mind3. Put first things first4. Think “win-win”5. Seek first to understand…then to be
understood6. Synergize7. Sharpen the saw
Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families
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1. Explore what your family is all about
2. Write your family mission statement
3. Use it to stay on track
Develop a Family Mission Statement
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Our family mission:To love each otherTo help each other
To believe in each otherTo wisely use our time, talents, and
resources to bless othersTo worship together
Forever
Sample Family Mission Statement
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Our family mission:To always be kind, respectful, and supportive
of each other,To encourage each of us to reach our
potential,To keep a spiritual feeling in the home,
To love each other unconditionally,To be responsible to live a happy, healthy
and fulfilling life,To make this house a place we want to come
home to.
Sample Family Mission Statement
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Parent all children the same wayRecognize and respect sibling needsProvide for all aspects of your child’s or
children’s needsTreatment for the special needsAllow for development in other areas
Give each child one-on-one timeLet them be kids
Priority #4 – Provide Each Child the Opportunity to Develop to
his/her Potential
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Have higher rate of childhood depressionMay feel they have to overachieve to make
up for their brother/sisterMay bury their feelings/problems Can be embarrassed by their siblingsTeased/bullied at school Resentful of limited/infrequent family
outingsMay worry about their long-term futureMay worry that condition is contagious
Special Siblings
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Have open family discussions and encourage the expression of honest feelings
Explain the disability to them in terms they can understand
Give them privacyBe a positive role model on how to handle
challenges
Tips for Parenting Special Siblings
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Family Priorities1. Provide a loving and nurturing environment
for your child2. Strive for a happy and healthy marriage3. Develop and live by a family mission
statement4. Provide each child the opportunity to
develop to their potential
Summary
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Tim Sweeney, LCSW11244 Waples Mill Road, Suite K
Fairfax, VA 22030703-359-4848
www.timothysweeney.com
Thank You!