Download - Understanding Girls’ booklet
Girls’ Friendships
Importance of peer relationships - social animals, need to bond
Boys’ games - what (agentic - bat/ball) Girls’ game - who (language - chatter/gossip)
Spectrum - but seen clearly in group situations Boys compete - affirm and reaffirm physical strength
Girls cooperate?
Aggression
Boys Physical hierarchy Skill based Stable groups Overtly aggressive - physical or insults Less emotionally involved Girls Friendship hierarchies Discourage competition (Tall Poppy) Reward disclosure - exchange secrets Define friendships - unity, empathy and mutual support
Girls' Bullying
Emotional intensity leads to fragmented disputatious relations
Make comparisons of physical attractiveness, clothing and friends Two way process of comparing self to others and being compared oneself Long lasting, hard to resolve, open to a number of interpretations Use of language and social exclusion Stealing friends, telling secrets Victim may be unaware
Hard to resolve
Emotional Effects
High levels of depression don’t know who is next how long will it last the end of the world (social)
2% of rejected and 4% of neglected preadolescent girls become depressed (Hawker and Boulton)
Girl Guiding report
Friendship is the most important currency for girls Early adolescence lowest levels of self-esteem Highest levels of concern about body image (eating disorders)
Skills of the Leader
Theory of Mind - social intelligence
Controls movement in cliques and gangs
Eder - challenges come from outside
Alder and Alder - conflict within the group (powerful leader)
• Deflates power bids
• Courts non-threatening girls
• Distribute advice and support
• Instigates quarrels re allegiance
Power lies in the understanding of the subtle dynamics
Conflict Within Girls' Groups
What keeps them in the group?
Affiliation (Roland, Campbell)
Basic Need (Maslow) Need closeness but this becomes threat (disclosures) Low Physical ViolenceNo need for physical violence as their language is powerfulThreat of loss of life (Campbell)Disfigurement - loss of attractiveness to males
LastsMost one week/can be longer
VictimsOften already bullied in other ways
BulliesTend to be those who understand cyberspace
Who do victims tell?• Friends• Parents• Rarely teachersVictims think adults do not understand
Ways forward
1. Research - new ways of dealing with cyber-bullying emerging
2. Document all incidents especially out-of-school
3. School awareness - include in anti-bullying policies and work
4. Teacher training
5. Parent training
6. Guidance for the young - tell adults - shut down the machine - inform providers
7. Police involvement
Mediation Training
Explain the contract and ground rules and get assent for the sessions from the disputants.
Explain about confidentiality.
Ask each of the disputants in turn:
1. Tell me what happened
2. Can you give me an example
3. Recognise and respect emotions - How does this make you feel? - You seem to feel very?
4. Summarise - Avoid the blame game
5. Brainstorm 1 - Accept all ideas - Avoid ownership of ideas - Avoid evaluation of ideas
6. Brainstorm 2 - Eliminate unaccepted ideas - Evaluate outcomes of each idea
7. Resolution - Agree on ways forward - Check all aspects have been dealt with
8. Review Meeting - Arrange meeting for review and evaluation
Techniques to use - Active Listening - Open questions - Avoid advice - Challenge ‘we’ statement - Change to ‘I’
Parents’ Workshop - What Can Parents Do?
Listening and talking with the victim Active listening - avoid closed questionsStages of disclosure - she will talk when readySolution Focused Practice approach - see belowTry not to over emphasise the problem, separate your own priorities, fears and anxietiesKeep questions in the 3rd person - ‘Tell me about the bullying in school’Girls are socialised to care so may be wary of telling what has happenedMay feel embarrassed to tell or feel they are social failuresLet her do the talking. She may only want you to listen
What can you do?Comfort - hold her, special requests, replenish lost love, siblings may help Home needs to be a refuge, sanctuary, a place of safety
Talk to School
Ask if she can move - seat, group, classIt is not your sole responsibility - ask for helpAsk about parent workshops, advice from Kidscape, ChildLine, contacting educational psychologists, Connexions
Get Out and About
She will feel better moving, exerciseSmileHelp her find other friends and to meet new people in clubsEncourage her try a new activity - achievement, genuine praise - passionShe will need your support and help due to low confidence and self-esteem
Prepare
You can’t change the world - strengthen her coping skillsFoggingCloak, armour, plastic tubeRehearse - prepare, desensitize, role play
Lighten the load
Enjoy fun things - library, art, musicGo away for a few days
Things to Avoid Saying
Why are they doing this - what have you done?Try - Let’s think what can be done.
I’m going to school to complain.Try - Do you want me to talk to someone in school?
Girls behave like this.Try - Some girls behave like this when they are angry or jealous.
What happened? You were close friends.Try - When did this start? When does it happen? Is there any thing you/we can do to make it stop?
You are too sensitive. They don’t mean it.Try - How can you tell they are not joking?
What Can School Do?
Policy and Procedures
Peer Support
Solution Focused Practice
Mediation - adults and peers
What Can Girls Do?
Talk about it to a close friend about these behaviours - before it happens if possible.
Get it out - talk about it to anyone you can trust
Do something - seek help
Lose these people - make new friends
Learn to distinguish bullying from other behaviours
Brief Solution Focused Practice
What is the problem?
How does it make you feel?
What have you tried?
What else could you try?
Options
Choices
Review
Working with Girls Who Bully
Is the girl jealous? - Why?
The girl may be targeting those who have similar faults or failings to hers.
She may lack confidence.
The bullying may be for attention.
She may think of the bullying as game or fun.
She may be taking friends from other girls as she is afraid she will have none.
The group may be encouraging the bullying.
Encourage her to identify her strengths and to use them in a positive manner.