Girls’ Friendships

Importance of peer relationships - social animals, need to bond

Boys’ games - what (agentic - bat/ball) Girls’ game - who (language - chatter/gossip)

Spectrum - but seen clearly in group situations Boys compete - affirm and reaffirm physical strength

Girls cooperate?

Aggression

Boys Physical hierarchy Skill based Stable groups Overtly aggressive - physical or insults Less emotionally involved Girls Friendship hierarchies Discourage competition (Tall Poppy) Reward disclosure - exchange secrets Define friendships - unity, empathy and mutual support

Girls' Bullying

Emotional intensity leads to fragmented disputatious relations

Make comparisons of physical attractiveness, clothing and friends Two way process of comparing self to others and being compared oneself Long lasting, hard to resolve, open to a number of interpretations Use of language and social exclusion Stealing friends, telling secrets Victim may be unaware

Hard to resolve

Emotional Effects

High levels of depression don’t know who is next how long will it last the end of the world (social)

2% of rejected and 4% of neglected preadolescent girls become depressed (Hawker and Boulton)

Girl Guiding report

Friendship is the most important currency for girls Early adolescence lowest levels of self-esteem Highest levels of concern about body image (eating disorders)

Skills of the Leader

Theory of Mind - social intelligence

Controls movement in cliques and gangs

Eder - challenges come from outside

Alder and Alder - conflict within the group (powerful leader)

• Deflates power bids

• Courts non-threatening girls

• Distribute advice and support

• Instigates quarrels re allegiance

Power lies in the understanding of the subtle dynamics

Conflict Within Girls' Groups

What keeps them in the group?

Affiliation (Roland, Campbell)

Basic Need (Maslow) Need closeness but this becomes threat (disclosures) Low Physical ViolenceNo need for physical violence as their language is powerfulThreat of loss of life (Campbell)Disfigurement - loss of attractiveness to males

LastsMost one week/can be longer

VictimsOften already bullied in other ways

BulliesTend to be those who understand cyberspace

Who do victims tell?• Friends• Parents• Rarely teachersVictims think adults do not understand

Ways forward

1. Research - new ways of dealing with cyber-bullying emerging

2. Document all incidents especially out-of-school

3. School awareness - include in anti-bullying policies and work

4. Teacher training

5. Parent training

6. Guidance for the young - tell adults - shut down the machine - inform providers

7. Police involvement

Mediation Training

Explain the contract and ground rules and get assent for the sessions from the disputants.

Explain about confidentiality.

Ask each of the disputants in turn:

1. Tell me what happened

2. Can you give me an example

3. Recognise and respect emotions - How does this make you feel? - You seem to feel very?

4. Summarise - Avoid the blame game

5. Brainstorm 1 - Accept all ideas - Avoid ownership of ideas - Avoid evaluation of ideas

6. Brainstorm 2 - Eliminate unaccepted ideas - Evaluate outcomes of each idea

7. Resolution - Agree on ways forward - Check all aspects have been dealt with

8. Review Meeting - Arrange meeting for review and evaluation

Techniques to use - Active Listening - Open questions - Avoid advice - Challenge ‘we’ statement - Change to ‘I’

Parents’ Workshop - What Can Parents Do?

Listening and talking with the victim Active listening - avoid closed questionsStages of disclosure - she will talk when readySolution Focused Practice approach - see belowTry not to over emphasise the problem, separate your own priorities, fears and anxietiesKeep questions in the 3rd person - ‘Tell me about the bullying in school’Girls are socialised to care so may be wary of telling what has happenedMay feel embarrassed to tell or feel they are social failuresLet her do the talking. She may only want you to listen

What can you do?Comfort - hold her, special requests, replenish lost love, siblings may help Home needs to be a refuge, sanctuary, a place of safety

Talk to School

Ask if she can move - seat, group, classIt is not your sole responsibility - ask for helpAsk about parent workshops, advice from Kidscape, ChildLine, contacting educational psychologists, Connexions

Get Out and About

She will feel better moving, exerciseSmileHelp her find other friends and to meet new people in clubsEncourage her try a new activity - achievement, genuine praise - passionShe will need your support and help due to low confidence and self-esteem

Prepare

You can’t change the world - strengthen her coping skillsFoggingCloak, armour, plastic tubeRehearse - prepare, desensitize, role play

Lighten the load

Enjoy fun things - library, art, musicGo away for a few days

Things to Avoid Saying

Why are they doing this - what have you done?Try - Let’s think what can be done.

I’m going to school to complain.Try - Do you want me to talk to someone in school?

Girls behave like this.Try - Some girls behave like this when they are angry or jealous.

What happened? You were close friends.Try - When did this start? When does it happen? Is there any thing you/we can do to make it stop?

You are too sensitive. They don’t mean it.Try - How can you tell they are not joking?

What Can School Do?

Policy and Procedures

Peer Support

Solution Focused Practice

Mediation - adults and peers

What Can Girls Do?

Talk about it to a close friend about these behaviours - before it happens if possible.

Get it out - talk about it to anyone you can trust

Do something - seek help

Lose these people - make new friends

Learn to distinguish bullying from other behaviours

Brief Solution Focused Practice

What is the problem?

How does it make you feel?

What have you tried?

What else could you try?

Options

Choices

Review

Working with Girls Who Bully

Is the girl jealous? - Why?

The girl may be targeting those who have similar faults or failings to hers.

She may lack confidence.

The bullying may be for attention.

She may think of the bullying as game or fun.

She may be taking friends from other girls as she is afraid she will have none.

The group may be encouraging the bullying.

Encourage her to identify her strengths and to use them in a positive manner.