Dr. LoraKim Joyner, DVM, MPVM, MdivLafeber ConservationOne Earth Conservation and Ministry(amoloros@gmail.com)

Practical Communication Tools for Your Practice

Goals

Provide background information, practices, and tools so as to augment your communication and relationship skills

3

What We’ll Do

Introduction

Emotional Intelligence

Social Intelligence

Mindfulness

Compassionate Communication

Empathy

General Practices

Ongoing Learning and Resources

Conclusion

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself

4

Benefits Emotional Intelligence

Provides choice in behavior

Enhances relationships

Reduces stress

Increases happiness in yourself and others

Positive emotions improve health

People with higher EI earn more money and are more successful

Improving Your Emotional IntelligencePractice body scans to identify what you are feeling

Practice inner and outer dialog to identify and communicate what you are feeling

Various practices to modulate your feelings

Self Empathy Body Scan

• Relax• Go through each part of your body to

notice what is happening in your body• What is your body saying to you about

how you feel?

Body Scan

Come up with 1-2 feeling words of your emotions now (mad, glad, sad, afraid, etc)

What universal needs correspond to these feelings? (what do you need now?)

Write a sentence about a situation where you experience discomfort (irritation, anger, frustration, sadness …………) and had a negative judgment about someone else

What universal needs are attached to what you experienced?

Write a new sentence….. I love it when I get____(fill in need)_______

Social Intelligence

Capacity to effectively negotiate complex social relationships and environments

Awareness and management of another’s emotions

Social awareness and relationship management (social facility)

Empathy and Social Intelligence Produces positive emotions which result in higher commitment to organization

Empathy in Organizations

Reduces stress, burnout, and compassion fatigue

Leaders who “walk the talk” have greater influence

Organization and Leadership Skills

Superb leaders are not those with greater knowledge or technical skill, but those with highly developed interpersonal skills like empathy and conflict resolution

Examples of Leadership Skills in Social and Emotional Intelligence Positiveness

Awareness with out judgment

Aware of and able to modulate emotions

Imitate others’ communication style

Eye contact and happy gaze

Express your values/needs

Talk slow

Deep listening

Empathy

Leaders, Groups, and Emotional Intelligence (EI)Leaders need vision (dreams) for entire organization

Leaders tell group norms and help group manage feelings

Everyone responsive for managing themselves and the team

Emotional intelligence teams are more component than those that are not

EI must be done at every level, nook, and cranny in an organization, such as meetings, staff trainings, client communication, etc

Growing Social Intelligence

Practicing reading nonverbal and paraverbal communication in others (body language, facial expression, tone of voice)

Practicing checking in with others in what they are feeling and needing

Make eye contact and greet people by name

Deep listening and empathy

Empathizing with the “enemy”

Imagine any persons with whom you might be having judgment or a challenging time

What might they be feeling and needing?

Say to yourself

No wonder they are feeling______________

They are needing_____________

Repeat self empathy as needed (what are you feeling and needing?)

Mindfulness

A mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations

Mindfulness and the Brain

“Evidence suggests that mindfulness practice is associated with neuroplastic changes in the anterior cingulate cortex, insula, temporo-parietal junction, fronto-limbic network, and default mode network structures. These work synergistically, establishing a process of enhanced self-regulation.”(Hozel et al, Perspectives on Psychological Science November 2011 vol. 6 no. 6)

Mindfulness Practice Produces

Increased alpha waves associated with deep relaxation while maintaining awareness of what’s occurring around us.

Increased theta waves associated with free thinking, lack of judgment, and overall positive outlook.

MindfulnessWhy be mindful?

Meaning happens at subconscious levels

Includes emotions and the body

Helps us lead lives of greater meaning and develop social and emotional intelligence, which in turn help us grow more mindful

Mindfulness Moment to moment nonjudgmental awareness

Supports nonanxious presenceCompassion in conversation and

actionSelf-care

Mindfulness

Mindfulness-Based-Stress-Reduction (MBSR) reduces…

Depression, fatigue

Anxiety, confusion

increases…

Empathy, self-confidence

Growing in Mindfulness

Emotional and social intelligence practices

Meditation

Wide variety of practices bringing your awareness to thoughts and feelings that arise without judgment

Incorporates social and emotional intelligence while growing competency in communication. It is a mindful

practice to “rewire the brain”

Nonviolent Communication (Compassionate Communication)

“Hardwired” for collaboration as well as competition

Rewiring the Brain in Compassionate Communication

Foundations – Nonviolent Communication (NVC)It’s really consciousness of compassion

It’s about changing ourselves by living in the way we wish

Ahisma in sanskrit isn’t “nonviolence” but absence of violence in a way that means perfect love

Founded by Marshall Rosenberg and inspired by Ghandi

Foundations – Empathy

Awareness of feelings/needs

Need self empathy to empathize with others

Brings healing

By empathizing people feel accepted as part of team and more likely to work together in peace

Foundations – HonestyIt’s not about being niceFace reality for what it is and sharing this

and nothing else Satygraha – hold to truth in every

situation

Based on “universal needs” and not blame for different behaviors

Foundations - Universal Needs

All beings needs are “on the table” as we strive for creative solutions to complex situations

Foundations – Universal Needs

Foundations – Choice

We gain choices when we have consciousness and clarity of needs

Have many choices when we equally consider all the needs flowing through us and others instead of denying or dismissing needs

Four Components inCompassionate Communication

ObservationFeelingsNeedsRequest

Component 2: FeelingsI feel…..

Feelings/Emotions

Feelings not caused, but triggered

Thoughts trigger sustained feelings

Feelings triggered if have urgent need from the past

Must own our feelings to find current needs and requests that will meet current needs

Feelings and Thoughts

Triggered feelings (amygdala) can take up to 80% of brain energy

This causes us to “flip our lid”

Not much left for cognition to work on current needs, listening, understanding, empathizing, requests

Thoughts versus Feelings

“I feel fat” is not a feeling.

We need to get to the embodied feeling so we can tell the story of the current need without judgment.

What are the feelings behind this thought statement?

Component 3: Needs These are the same needs everyone has, not a strategy.Because I need/value……..

Component 4: RequestsWould you be willing to….

Connecting Requests

Would you be willing to tell me how you feel when you hear me say this?

(or what is going on for you right now?)

Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?

Action Request

Would you be willing to do _______________

Specific Example A “no show”

Why didn’t you call to cancel the appointment?! That’s the third time in a row you haven’t shown!

I give up, I’m not ever going to see that client again!

She’s so inconsiderate!

Observation: When you didn’t show up for your appointment yesterday

Feelings: I feel disappointed

Needs: Because I value the health of your dog and consideration for my time

Request: Could you tell me why you cancelled the appointment?

The Four Components of NVC – Ready to Talk

Self-empathy (valuing our feelings and needs)Helps us regulate our emotions and behavior

Helps us find behaviors and request actions that will meet current needs

Invigorates our work

Increases satisfaction

Gives us space to mourn

No wonder I’m feeling__________________________

And_________________________________________

I’m really needing_____________________________

And_________________________________________

Self-empathy

Loss and Compassion Fatigue

Compassion fatigue, refers to a gradual lessening of compassion over time. Symptoms:

hopelessness, a decrease in experiences of pleasure, constant stress and anxiety, inability to

focus, feelings of incompetency and self doubt, and a pervasive negative attitude.

www.compassionfatigue.org

More self-empathy practices - MourningJournal or meet with others to express unmet needs

Now imagine those needs being met

Think of a variety of ways those needs can be met

Make specific requests of yourself or others to meet these needs

Gratitude is a choice

More self-empathy practices - GratitudeGratitude is a choice

Training the unconscious brain to see that the tally of gifts outweighs exchanges

Happiness comes 50% from genes, 10% from circumstances, and 40% from intentional activity

Other-empathy (valuing another’s feelings and needs)Helps others resonate with us (emotional resonance positively impacts social intelligence)

Helps others make better choices

Helps others listen more deeply to us

Helps others feel we are “on their side” and be more willing to contribute to our lives

Other empathy

No wonder they are feeling__________________________

I’m guessing they are really needing_____________________________

Practices for Organizations

Translate conflicts and complaints into “needs”

Avoid email for complex emotional situations or value laden issues

Practice as a group in calm times

Prepare for meetings with an emotional and social intelligence lens

Nurturing Through Complaints

What is the complaint?

What are the needs behind the complaint?

Translate the complaint into needs for others

Ask them if this is right.

Your prices are too high!

Security? To be heard?

So you value having ease in meeting your responsibilities to take care of your family? Is that right?

Conflict Challenges

Good and easy are not barometers of success. They are usually indicators of avoidance, resistance, and denial

Drama means we hope someone else will fix our problem

Move from drama to mutual empowerment through “energy” of needs

Email Can Kill an Organization

When receiving an email, sit with your needs and guess theirs

Move to the phone or even better in person

If must reply email, guess their needs and request meeting in person or on phone

Imagination Exercise Before MeetingRelax, yawn, stretch

Come into present moment, strive for inner silence

Think of positive experience

Reflect your deepest values/needs

Assess a pleasant memory

Imagine meeting/conversation

Imagination Exercise Before MeetingObserve nonverbal clues

Express appreciation

Speak warmly – slowly and with lower pitch

Speak slowly – silence helps with connection

Speak briefly (30 seconds, 40 words)

Listen deeply

Learning is Lifelong

This kind of learning is implicit (not the thinking brain)

Happens in the limbic brain which is a slow learner – need practice, time, repetition

Learning takes commitment and practice

Email me if you’d like more resources (amoloros@gmail.com)

Next Steps

Workshops, online seminars, many books

www.cnvc.org

Can set up your own practice groups

Incorporate these issues and techniques in your case reports and staff meetings

Review

Emotional and social intelligence crucial in personal and professional life

We can grow our intelligences, and it takes practice, practice, practice !

We need practice not just as individuals, but as groups of people

Doing so can help us take care of ourselves, so we can take care of the many others

Feedback

Technology?

Meet/not meet needs for learning?

How change it for next time?

Gratitude Shared

Closing Words

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,there is a field. I will meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,the world is too full to talk about

language, ideas, even the phrase each otherdoesn't make any sense. – Rumi (Sufi poet)