dynamics of sexual assault in polyamorous relationships 2016 sa... · o non-possessiveness &...
TRANSCRIPT
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DynamicsofSexualAssaultinPolyamorousRelationships
LiatWexler,TrainingSpecialistCenterforCommunitySolutions(SanDiego)
LearningObjectives
o Definepolyamory,openrelationshipsandotherterminologyspecifictothosecommunitiesandarticulatehowhealthypolyamorousrelationshipsfunction
o Identifyatleast2waysthatsexualassaultwithinpolyrelationshipshasdifferentoradditionalimpactsfromsexualassaultinmonogamousrelationships
o Usingcasestudies,analyzehowsexualassaultofonepersoninapolyrelationshipimpactsotherpartners
o Understandhowtodiscussrelationshipsinawaythatmakesitsaferforclientstodisclosepolyamory
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Imagecreditsclockwisefromupperleft:Flickrusersjenniferlisa,AlexProimos,KristinGissaro,BESPhotos,MarkEmery,TrentKelley
Polyamory
Poly=ManyAmor=Love
Polyamoryisthepracticeof,ordesirefor,intimaterelationshipswhereindividualsmayhavemorethanonepartner,withtheknowledgeand consent ofallpartners.
Ithasbeendescribedas"consensual,ethical,andresponsible non-monogamy".
GreekandLatinweremixed#SorryNotSorryImagecredit:WikipediauserRatatosk
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ValuesofPolyamory
o Fidelity&Loyalty
o Trust&Honestyo Dignity&Respecto Communication&Negotiation
o Boundaries&Agreementso Non-possessiveness&Compersion
o Autonomy
Relation-shapeV/Vee
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Relation-shapeN
Triad
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Quad
GroupRelationship/Tribe
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Polyfidelity
OpenMarriage–EmotionallyExclusive
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Swinging
RelationshipExpectations
loveR
Financial SupportCommitment
Best Friend
Permanence
Fidelity
Enmeshed Livesco-parenting
Security
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BenefitsofMonogamy BenefitsofPolyamoryo DecreasedSTIrisk
o Increasedfinancialstability
o Sharedchoresandparenting
o Increasedemotionalsupportandstructureforfamilies
o Moreexperience,skills,resources,andperspectives
o Decreasepolarizationofviewpoints
o Broadersupportofemotional,intellectualandsexualneeds(onepersoncannotprovideitall)
o Noexpectationtomeetallofapartner'sneeds
o Preservesexistingnon-sexualrelationship
o Noexpectationtoignoreattractionor“pick”betweenpeople
o Sexualexclusivity
o Romanticexclusivity
o Decreasedstrainontime&energy
o Sociallyexpected&accepted
o Easiertointroducetofamily(+1atevents)
o Supportedbyreligiousandlegalmarriageinmostplaces
o Representedinmedia
o Availableroadmaptonavigaterelationshipsorseekassistance
o Legalprotectionforparents
KeystoSuccessinPolyamory
o Abletoidentifyandtalkaboutfeelings
o Accountableforone’sownfeelingso Self-reflective,willingtoworkononeselfo Healthycommunicator
o Respectsown&others’boundarieso Time&energymanagement
o Engagessupportivecommunityo Onlygoingasfastastheslowestpersono Healthyattachment
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CommonQuestionsAboutPoly
o Jealousy
o Divisionofloveo Cheatingo Avoidingcommitment
o Fixinganexistingrelationshipo Sexualhealth&safety
o Interactionwithmetamour
CommonQuestionsAboutPoly
o Comingoutaspoly
o Parentingo Legalprotectionso Beginning&endingrelationships
o Changeofstructureorstyleo Changeinstatus
o Asecondarywithnoprimary
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DynamicsofAbuseinPoly
DV/SAfield:Jealousy=redflagforabuse
Polyamory:Jealousy=normalemotionPossessiveness=unhealthybehavior
DynamicsofAbuseinPoly
o Lackoflegalprotectionsusedtocoerceandcontrol
o Breakingnegotiatedagreements“intheheatofthemoment”
o Notgivingthesecondarypartneravoice
o Requiringthesecondarytobesexuallyinvolvedwithallpartners
o Gaymen’scultureofnon-monogamyusedtopressure/coercepartners
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DynamicsofAbuseinPoly
o Notcommunicatingrulesorboundaries
o Keepingtrackofmistakes
o Everstricterrules
o “You’renotdoingpolyright”
o Shamingpartnersforjealousy
o Forbiddingcontactwith/disclosingtowithmetamours
o Underminingotherrelationships
EffectsofTrauma
o Maintenanceofboundaries
o Abilitytocommunicate
o Abilitytoself-reflect
o Assertivenessaboutneeds
o Emotionalregulation
o Attachmentconcerns
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CaseStudies
ImpactofSexualAssaultandSexualAbuse
inPolyRelationships
SexuallyAbusiveTriad
10years
Alex
Taylor
Sam
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SexualAssaultinanOpenMarriage
Bill
Jane
Eric
Ex
Debrief
o Whataresomeadditionalchallengeswhensexualabuseorassaultisinflictedinpolyrelationships?Howdoesitaffecttheexperiencesofsurvivors?
o Whataresomewaysthatotherpartnersmightreacttoabuseorassault?Howaretheyimpacted?
o Whataresomespecificthingsyouwouldchangeaboutyourworkwithsurvivorstocreatespaceforpeoplewhomightbepoly?Howcanwebestsupportsurvivorswhoarenotmonogamous?
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ChallengeswithSeekingHelp
o Fearthattheabusewillbeattributedtopolyamoryasfundamentallyunhealthy
o Victim-blamingforgettingintoapolyrelationshipinthefirstplace
o Internalizedmonogamistattitudes
o Difficultyprosecutingwhenrelationshiporientationisputontrial
o Reportingwill“out”survivoraspoly
o Lossofparentingaccess
CulturallyHumbleServices
o Invitedisclosurebydemonstratingawareness
o Useexpansive,non-judgmental language
o Askaboutallthedifferentkindsofrelationshipsasurvivorhas
o Strengths-basedapproach
o Inclusiveprintedmaterials
o Awarenessoflegalimplications
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Imagecredit:FlickruserChristineThomasPhotobyAngieGaul,NYCwww.milestoneimages.us/
LiatWexlerTrainingSpecialist