EL TIO: THE SHITTING CHRISTMAS LOG By: Toby Pikelin

Why is Santa Clause so fucking fat? Because he’s swallowing whole any kind of Christmas diversity. Who decided that an obese jolly man with a really unrealistic laugh (ho ho ho, common, who the hell laughs like that?) was going to be the emblem of supposedly the most important day in Christian religion? - the birth of the most famous Jew who managed to defy the laws of science and come back to life. Santa represents everything that is wrong with America: obesity, and taking over the world. From these things you can extrapolate everything from consumerism, supremacy to war. Technically no one owns the North Pole, so with their fixation on world domination, it is unsurprising Americans would try to stake claims on the north pole by making an extremely popular fictional character from there. How is this not seen as delusional? And it is completely unsurprising that Coca Cola – one of the world’s most wide spread companies - made Santa the way he is today. A product of advertisement, consumerism, brain washing. Gross. Santa makes me sick. El Tió or Caga Tió, the wholesome Catalan Santa alternative, literally meaning ‘’shitting log’’, is resisting Santa’s digestive system … for now. But he’s in serious danger of extinction if Coca Cola comes out with a new advertisement where Santa cross breeds with a beaver so he can eat wood. At least maybe, in that case,

he’d die shitting out splinters. El Tió started out back in the days when people were so broke-ass poor that they couldn’t afford to give their kids presents, so they’d tell them that the true Christmas gift is the heat from the fire provided by logs of wood. ‘’Hey kids, see it’s not that bad, at least we aren’t totally freezing’’. Kind of like in Angela’s Ashes when they eat a sheep head for X-mas. I can envision it. Over time this little log got personified, the little poor children grew attached to him, and he evolved to have a stupid looking face, a traditional Catalan hat (damn it, why did it have to be red?), little wooden legs, and a blanket to keep him warm. Makes sense. Then naturally of course, El Tió since he has a face would get hungry, and logically, if he eats, then he’s gotta shit at some point. Genius! El Caga Tió as he is known today was born! Parents cover him with a little blanket, and hide presents underneath, the kids prance about and smack him with a stick and chant:

Tió, Tió, caga turró, Translation: Log, Log, shit turron , Dávellanes i pinyó! Made of hazel and pine nuts! Si no cagues turró, If you don´t shit turron, Et donaré un cop de bastó, Tió! We´ll smack you with a club! *Turron is a sweet desserty thing.

Then they lift off the blanket and presents appear, fresh out of the anus. El Tió presents used to be mostly small and usually sweets. Bigger presents were saved for Reyes, The Three Kings, after the New Year. Unfortunately, Santa is high competition for El Tió because it’s on the same day. More and more, El Tió is losing out to Santa, and with that Reyes is also being phased out. Thanks America once again for being a huge asshole.

Santa’s so serious, Christmas is already lame enough, might as well go with it. Plus El Tió is just way more believable. One over-weight man, delivering presents to the whole World (minus anyone poor of course), stuffing himself down everyone’s chimneys and eating all their fucking milk and cookies. Please. On the other hand, everyone gets their own Tió, you can even make it yourself and the whole process is just way more scientific. Despite how awesome this log may be, the media is mighty and Catalanes, being very nationalistic, are taking measures to preserve their culture. In Vic, Catalunya, a new story has been invented about the origins of El Tió to perk the interest school children. The new story goes that El Tió was born because this guy called El Busca Tión (The Log Finder) walked around the forest smacking trees with a little stick, thereby awakening the Tiós and distributing them to all the schools with his cousin. Maybe it’s not the best story, but at least it’s a step in the fight against Santa Claus. Rambunctious Catalan nationalists apparently have a new hobby of going around and burning stray Santas and if you search hard, maybe you can see an anti-Santa sticker.

Santa nutted and hung in the Faculty of Fine Arts at The University of Barcelona.