ElizabethClareProphet

InMyOwnWords

MemoirsofaTwentieth-CenturyMystic

Gardiner,Montana

InMyOwnWords:MemoirsofaTwentieth-CenturyMysticbyElizabethClareProphetCopyright©2009SummitPublications,Inc.Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproduced,translated,orusedinanyformator medium whatsoever without prior written permission, except by areviewerwhomayquotebriefpassagesinareview.Forinformation,contactSummitUniversityPress,63SummitWay,Gardiner,MT59030-9314.Tel:1-800-245-5445or406-848-9550www.SummitUniversityPress.comISBN:978-1-932890-15-0(softbound)ISBN:978-1-932890-19-8(eBook)ThiseBookcontainsthecompletetextoftheoriginalprintedition.SummitUniversityPressPortraitafterchapter39©BachrachPhotography.Usedbypermission.

TableofContentsPreface

1. TheHeartofaChild2. Birth3. Parents4. EarlyMemories5. Neighbors6. EllisIsland7. TheWar8. Family9. ThreeSigns10. APastLife11. SearchingforGod12. EarningMyWay13. TheDemonsofAlcohol14. HomeLife15. Friends16. BlackingOut17. TheTrialsGodGivesUs18. MyMother’sConfession19. Sundays20. Love21. Switzerland22. OtherRealms23. SaintGermain24. AntiochCollege25. SummerCamp26. TheUnitedNations27. NewYork28. FamilyTies

29. “GotoBoston!”30. InnerWork31. “ObeyImmediately”32. Marriage33. “ICan’tWaitAnyLonger!”34. MarkProphet35. TheCall36. BeyondChristianScience37. Karma38. Mary39. ANewLife

ChronologyNotes

Preface

WhenElizabethClare Prophetwasworking on her biography, she saidthat one of her goals was for people “to know me spiritually andhumanly.”Both aspects of her life are here. She faced the same issuesthat everyone deals with—family, joys and sorrows, school andrelationships,collegeandcareerchoices.Butthroughallofthisrunsthedeepcurrentofaspiritualquestthatwasthecentralpurposeofherlife.

InMyOwnWords tellsthestoryoftheearlyyearsofMrs.Prophet’sjourney, her first twenty-two years, which were marked by an unusualdedicationtothesearchforGod.Theseedsoftheextraordinarylifethatwasabouttounfoldareevident.

Mrs.Prophetwentontobecomeoneofthemostwell-knownfemalespiritual leaders of the twentieth century. She appeared onNightline,LarryKingLive andhundredsof televisionand radio showsaround theworld. For almost three decades she led The Summit Lighthouse, aworldwide spiritual movement founded by her late husband Mark L.Prophet.She traveled tomore than thirty countries andpublishedmorethan fifty books to deliver hermessage. She is known to thousands astheirspiritualteacher.

Yet evenwith all of her accomplishments,Mrs. Prophet was neverinterested in attention or fame. For her, it was the message that wasimportant, and shewas simply themessenger.Her concernwas alwaysforthespiritualprogressofthoseshetaught.Ifshespokeaboutherself,itwas so that others might learn from her experiences and apply thoselessons,oftenhard-won,totheirownlives.

***Thisbookhasitsoriginsin1991,whenMrs.Prophetandmembersof

her editorial staff first beganworking on it. Their research andwritingcontinuedoverthenextfewyears,butthebookwasnotcompletedatthattime.

About half of this present volume is drawn from Mrs. Prophet’s

originalwritingfortheproject.Theremainderhadbeencompletedonlyinoutlineform,andthewritinghadnotyetbegun.Thatoutlinehasbeenfilledinbymaterialcompiledfromhermanypublishedandunpublishedlecturesandinterviews.Theresultingmemoirprovidesarareinsightintothelifeofarenownedtwentieth-centurymystic.

ThomasMerton once wrote: “The spiritual anguish of man has nocurebutmysticism.”Ifso,thenperhapsweallhavesomethingimportanttolearnfromthemysticinourmidst.Inthestoryofherlife,eachofusmayfindameasureofinspirationforourownspiritualjourney.

TheEditors

ElizabethClareWulf,Age4

Myheartwastheheartofachild.Iwasinnocent.Itrusted.Mysoulknewnobounds.Ihadnosenseofbeginningsorendings.Birthanddeathwereartificialdemarcations.IhadalwaysexistedinGod.Theinfinitepastandthe infinite futureweremine,andmine toenteratwill. I thought Ihadcomefromadistantstar.

Theheavensweremyplayground,yetIwascontentinspacesdefined.Myplayyard.Mysandbox.My toychest.Mypreciousdolls.The rockgardenmy father builtwith awaterfall and fountains, a goldfish pond,water lilies, frogs croaking and birds darting to and fro, floweringperiwinkle thatIwouldsitupon, thinkingitwasmyveryownseat,andother flowers taller than I. The white picket grape arbor, with built-inbenches, ladenwithconcordandgreengrapes.Apple,peachandcherrytrees, raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, gooseberries and redcurrants.ThesewerethefirstsightsandsoundsIknew.

Iwasoneandtwoandthree,knowingthesmellsofspringtime—thenewgrass,thetreesbudding,thelilacblossoms,thespraysofforsythiaamaze of yellow, the dogwood, apple and cherry blossoms, the salt airfromtheseaandtheriver.Thentheheavyheatofsummerandhurricanesthatputout the lights and toredown trees.Theharvestsof fall and theburning leaves,Thanksgiving and all the trimmings.And soon the coldwinterswith snowflakes onmy cheeks, snowmen, andChristmas lightsonafreshtreecutfromourland.

Childhood days were long and gradually the seasons passed. Iobservedtheircomingsandtheirgoingswithdelightandmarveledattheever-newwonderoflifearoundme.Joywasinmyheart.Iunderstoodthecosmiccycles.IknewthatIwasIandnotanother.Isensedtheinfiniteinmy finite world with its boundaries of squares, circles, triangles andlines,andclocks,timesandschedules.

Sunbeams filtering through the massive silver maple outside mywindowpriedopenmyeyeseachmorning.EverydayIwasbornagaintoanewadventureinthislife,inthisplane,inthiskarmiccircumstance.Iwaseagerforthechallenge.

As I peered through the coordinates of heaven and earth, and myplaypen,Iwasbathedinthegoldenglowofthesun.Itwasmyreality.I

tookforgrantedthegentlepresencethatwasalwayswithmethroughmydarkestdaysandtrialsuntold.Itseemedtobeabridgefromthenutsandbolts of my human existence to the timeless, spaceless, dimensionlessrealmfromwhichIhadcome.Itwasthesheergladnessofthesun.AndmychildsmileshonefromtheSourceofLifeIfeltwithinmeaswellaswithout.

ThebeautyofGodwasneverfarfrommymindorheart.Andlifewasacontinuumofthatbeauty—IhadalwaysbelievedthatIhadalwaysbeenand alwayswouldbe.Eachday Iwas on amissionof self-discovery. IhadtoknowwhoIwas,whereIhadcomefrom,andwhereIwasgoing.

The quest formeaning brought on the endless “Why?” followed byquestionsthatfewornonecouldanswer.Neighbors,parents,friendsandteachersalikebecameexasperatedwithmywhys.Butbyandby,asmylife and mission unfolded, God answered every one of my childlikequestions, and he revealed to me the mysteries of the kingdom in hisgood time.Canwenot,wewhoseekhiskingdom, saywithSaintPaul,“WhenIwasachild,Ispakeasachild,Iunderstoodasachild,Ithoughtas a child....Nowwe see through a glass darkly; but then face to face:nowIknowinpart;butthenshallIknowevenasalsoIamknown.”[1]

AsIlookback,IseethatmymissionwasaseedplantedinmysoulbytheGreatSoweroftheseedoflife.ItwasaseedtakenfrommyTreeof Life and sealed until the cycles of its gestation should commenceaccordingtothetimetableofmyFather-MotherGod.

***

Atbirth and in earlyyears, I retained someconsciousawarenessof therealms of light from which I had descended into my mother’s womb,enteringthebodypreparedformeinthislife.Butaswithallchildren,thememoryfadedasthesoftspotatthecrownclosedover.

Above in the heaven-world, my soul could soar at night while mybody slept in my frilly pink-and-white bassinet. Unencumbered by thelimitationsofmydevelopingbrainandbody, I journeyed in theetheric

envelope and the astral sheath, as is common in soul travel. On innerplanesIknewmyreasonforbeing.Iwasafreespirit—neitherchildnoradult,butanevolvingpartofGod.Thezealofmymissionwasuponme,and I servedwith angels and advanced souls to prepare theway for itsfulfillmentonearthinthislife.

IknewbeforebirththatIwasyetburdenedbykarma.AndIknewthatthecircumstancesofmylifewouldoffermethesupremeopportunitytocomplete the balancing ofmy karma in this embodiment and to do sothrough the very mission itself. Therefore on inner planes I workedtirelesslywiththesaints,theEasternadeptsandtheangelstoprepareforthatcalling.

***

Thebuddingandsproutingoftheseedofamissiondependsuponthecarethat is given to the seed and to the soil in which it is planted. Unlessemotionalandphysicalneedsaremet,child-manmaymiss themissionfor a lifetime or several. Unless the mental stimulus is there fromconception, child-manmay not bring back from his Tree of Life fruitsneeded for soul nourishment.Mental stimulus is necessary so that theseedmight be quickened in the fertile soil ofmemory,mind, desire—those elements that continue with us but must be re-anchored in thephysicalsheathsofconsciousnesswitheachnewbirth.

Yes,wecarryourpastwithus,but its links to theouterpersonalitymust be fixed anew.Whenparents, teachers, educators, pastors, friendsand relatives all contribute to the propermilieu for the child, then themissioncanbeaccomplished.Whenkarmabarricadesthesoulandthoseresponsibleforthesoulareirresponsible,themissioncanbelost.

Every newborn arrives with the bag and baggage of positive andnegativekarmathatmustbebalancedandthatwillbebroughtintoplayin this life.Everynewborn comeswith apsychology carriedover frommany past lives. This psychology is reflected in his astrological birthchart,whichoutlinesbothpositiveandnegativekarma.

The positive momentums, talents and attainments will afford thechildwindinhissailsandasafepassageifhewillmaximizethem.Thesetalentsmustnotbeburied,neitherbyhimselfnorbyhisparents.Theyarehis tomultiply; and if hedoes so, hemayexperience the abundant lifethatJesuspromised.

Thenegativekarmarecordedinthebirthchartrequiresresponsibilityandresolution,readinessforhardworkandjoyfulnessinthelaboroftheLord’svineyard.ThechallengesandinitiationsthatwillcomecanallbemetifhewillenterthepathofdiscipleshipunderJesusChrist,GautamaBuddha,asaint,anascendedmaster[2]orevenagreatteacheronearth.WisearetheparentswhoteachtheirchildrentoobeythelawsofGodandmanandtomaintainahumbleandmercifulheart.WisearetheywhotakethemontheirkneeandteachthemtheTenCommandments, theGoldenRuleandtheGreatCommandment.[3]

BecauseGodhasgiventhegiftoffreewill,nomissionisguaranteed.EachonemustnurturetheseedthatGodhasplantedinthegardenofthesoul.Untilthechildcanaccomplishthisonhisown,hisparents,familylife,schoolandtheschoolyard,theneighborhoodanditsinfluencesmaybeadailyimpingementonthesoulandthesoul’sreceptivitytotheinnercalling—heardfromabovebutnotyetarticulatedinthought,infeelingorinwords.

Yes, both the soul and themission are fragile. Parents and teacherswho know this will surround the children entrusted to their care withpositivereinforcementofthesignsoftheirdestinyandwithaspiritthatlets themknow that it is possible to overcome every obstacle in life—withGod.

***

The deep desire to be who I am in God has been with me since myearliestmoments,astimeandlimitationbegantobeclockedincyclesoffeedings,mygoingoutandcomingintomybody,beinginmycrib,myhouse,mycarriage—asthedaysturnedintonightsandthenightsturned

intodays.WhenIawakenedinthemorninginmybabybody,Iawakenedtowet

diapers,anemptystomachandmyowncryingformybottle,mymommyandmydaddy.ButIretainedthesenseofthewilltobe,ofdetermination,thedesiretodrinkthecupoflife,allofit.ToknowGod,tofindhim,tocommunewithhimashemightrevealhimselftomeandtalkwithme—thiswasmylonginginmyearlyyears.

AbabycanthinkthesethoughtsbecausethemindofthechildisthemindofGod.Ourminds are but extensions of the one universalMind.Thenewbody,brainandcentralnervoussystemaremeansthroughwhichthemindofGodcommunicatesinouterself-awareness.

Makenomistake,thechildyouholdinyourarmshasthecumulativeawarenessofhisimmediatepastlifeorevenmanypastlives,dependingonhis or her level of soul development.At the subconscious level, thesoulknowsallthingspast,presentandfutureofherexistence.

Advanced souls come “trailing clouds of glory,” as Wordsworthwrote, descending from the heaven-world for another round of service.His“Ode:IntimationsofImmortality”tellsthecyclesoftheircoming:

Ourbirthisbutasleepandaforgetting:TheSoulthatriseswithus,ourlife’sStar,Hathhadelsewhereitssetting,Andcomethfromafar:Notinentireforgetfulness,Andnotinutternakedness,ButtrailingcloudsofglorydowecomeFromGod,whoisourhome:Heavenliesaboutusinourinfancy!Shadesoftheprison-housebegintocloseUponthegrowingBoy.Buthebeholdsthelight,andwhenceitflows,Heseesitinhisjoy;TheYouth,whodailyfartherfromtheeast

Musttravel,stillisNature’spriest,AndbythevisionsplendidIsonhiswayattended;AtlengththeManperceivesitdieaway,Andfadeintothelightofcommonday.

Soulswhohavelivedontheastralplane[4]betweenlifetimesthroughnumerous sequences of birth and death carry momentums of lowervibrations and desires. Even so, their self-recognition is there at thesubconscious level, though theymay not fully come to knowwho andwhat manner of lifestream they are until well after they have reachedadulthood, and sometimes not at all in this life. For to be given therecordsofone’spastandtheknowledgeofwhoonehasbeen,onemustdesiretoknow,totakeresponsibilityforone’sactions,andtochange.

2Birth

My life has been marked by miracles of divine as well as humanintercession. My birth was no exception, and it was a remarkablebeginning.

Iwas the only child born toHansWilhelmWulf andFridyEnkerliWulf,nearRedBank,NewJersey,oneofthemanysmalltownsthatdottheeasternshoresouthofNewYorkCity.IarrivedonApril8,1939,atMonmouthMemorialHospitalinLongBranch.

Thedoctorhospitalizedmymothertwotothreeweeksbeforemyduedate.HerX-raysshowedIwasnormalandinthecorrectposition,buthegaveherinjectionsdailytohastenthedelivery.ThenonFriday,April7,he informed Mother that I would be born the next morning, and heexplainedtheplannedprocedure.Motherwassurprisedthatsucharchaicprocedureswerestillinuse.Then,answeringherquestion,thedoctorsaidthat 60 percent of the babies born by this method died. Mother wasshockedandshecried.Shewas forty-twoyearsoldandIwas tobeherfirstandonlychild.

As soon as the doctor left, she telephoned my father and told himwhat the doctor had said. It so happened that at that verymomentDr.Rullman, the foremost surgeon in that part of New Jersey, was in myfather’sboatyardtodiscussplansfortheyachtmyfatherwasbuildingforhim.DaddytoldMotherthatDr.Rullmanwasthereandthathewouldtellhimabouthersituationandcallherbackinafewminutes.

Dr.Rullmansaid,“Yourwifehasbeeninthehospitalinpainfortwoweeks. She is in no condition to make a decision. You need to takematters intoyourownhands.Dismissherdoctor so I can takeover thecase. Don’t worry, Captain Wulf, I’ll be over tomorrow morning andwe’lldeliveryourbabybycesarean.”

A happy and excited father-to-be called back to ask for Mother’sconsent.Sheimmediatelysaid,“Yes!Yes!”andweptforjoy.Assoonas

Daddytookcharge,thefirstdoctorleftforhisFloridavacation.Dr. Rullman scheduled the surgery for the next morning.At eight

o’clockmyfatherwasintheoperatingroombesidemymother.Laterhewroteoftheoccasion,“IncameDr.Rullman.Hesawmestandingthereand chased me out. ‘You crazy Dutchman, get the h— out of here. Ipromiseyou,inabouthalfanhourthenursewillcomeoutandshowyouyourbaby.’Andthatisexactlywhathappened.”

My father wrote of this moment: “I promised myself that I wouldalways love you, love yourmother, and take care of you through thickandthintothebestofmyability.Yes,therecouldberainy,stormydays,butasIknowfromthesea,therearealwayssunshinedaysafterthestormandroughseas.”

Thelastthingmymotherrememberedbeforegoingintosurgerywashearingthe“TriumphalMarch”fromAïdaplayingontheradio.Shesaid,“It gave me such courage, assurance of a triumph.” Many years laterwhen she toldme the story ofmybirth, I knewwhy all ofmy life themerehearingofafewstrainsofthatpiecebyVerdiwouldsummonallofmyforces,allofmyjoyandgalvanizemeintoaction.Itwouldquickenmy heartbeat, stirmy deepest feelings and transmit tome the sense ofvictoryoveralllimitation,includingmortalityitself.

Though therewere dark shadows surroundingmybirth, the facts ofwhich Iwas not to learn until adulthood, the lightwas greater and thelightprevailed.Andsoithasbeenthroughoutmylife.ThegoldenglowofthegentlePresencehasneverleftme.

Back inher roomafter surgery,mymother recalls that anursewascarryinganewbornbabygirlfromroomtoroomlookingforthemother.Sheannouncedheras the“Wulfbaby”but somispronounced thenamethatmymotherdidn’trecognizeit.Butshepeekedatthebabyandoohedand aahed, telling the othermothers how beautiful shewas.When shefinallyrealizedthatitwasherown,shewasquiteembarrassed.Thenurseaffirmed,“Mrs.Wulf,youhaveabeautifulbabygirl.”

Motherwrote,“I thought shewasverysweet.Herheadwassowellshaped,herhairwaslight,hereyesseemedblue.Shewassoprecious!AsIlookedather,Isaid,‘Ihopeyouwillbeagoodgirl.’Inasensethiswas

myprayerofprotectionforher.Ireasonedthatshewouldbeprotectedifshedidnoharm.”

My parents named me Elizabeth after my maternal grandmother,Elisabeth Schnyder, and Clare after ClareWeber, whose governessmymother had been. They decided to call me Betty Clare to give equalimportancetobothnames.

ThedayaftermybirthwasEasterSunday.Mymother rememberedawakeningatdaybreaktoEastersunriseovertheAtlantic.Shelaterwrotethatherbedwasneara largewindowwithaviewof theocean.Thefardistantscenewaspaintedwithmorning’searlylight.ShefeltthedramaofEastermorning.

Then my mother’s eyes fell upon a snow-white Madonna lily thatsomeone had placed at her bedside during the night. “It looked like anapparition,”shewrote.“Itwassayingmanythingstome,thingsIcannottranslate; they were too deep.” She later learned that this sign of theResurrection had come from the chairman of the board of the hospital,GeneralBorden,wholikedtohaveaflowerplacednexttoeachpatient.He lived in nearby Rumson and grew beautiful flowers in greenhousestendedbyseveralgardeners.

Mymother and I were in the hospital for fifteen days, and severaltimesadaythenursesbroughtmetomymotherforfeeding.Becauseshewasnotabletonurseme,mymotherthoughtthenurseswerefeedingme.Butthenursesthoughtmymotherwasfeedingme.SoIwasnotfedforthe first week of my life. Mother heard me cry and cry but couldn’tunderstandwhy.

Dr.Rullmanassumedthathispartnerwasseeingtomycase,andthefirstdoctorwasaway,soIwasleftunattended.AgainDaddytookchargeandcalledinthebestbabydoctorhecouldfind,andthisdoctororderedmetobefedproperly.FinallytheyputmeonformulaandIbegantogainweight.

MyfatherbroughtmymotherandmehometotheirfirsthouseinRedBank, a bungalow on Henry Street.When she walked in the door, shefoundalovelysurprisewaiting—abassinet,trimmedwithyardsofwhitelaceoverpinksatin,withlovelypillows,covers,pinkblanketsandsome

babyclothes.ItwasagiftfromMrs.Weber,herformeremployer.On my first birthday, my mother sent a bouquet of flowers to Dr.

Rullman inmyname ingratitude forhis intercession in savingbothofourlives.

3Parents

My father was born on January 24, 1901, in Elmshorn, Schleswig-Holstein,Germany, toErnest andWilhelminaWulf.Hewas christenedHansJohannWilhelmWulfatthelocalLutheranchurch.Hanshadthreebrothers—Willy, Emiel andCarl—and a half brother and sister, ErnestandMartha.Theywere raisedwithPrussiandisciplinebyastern fatherandahardworkingmother.

Hans had a brilliantmind andwas at the head of his class.Hewasready to graduate from school early, but because he allowed anotherstudent to copy his answers on final exams, he was held back anotheryear.Whenhe finally graduated, at age fourteen, his one desirewas tojointheGermannavy.WorldWarIwasunderway.

Because he was underage, Hans needed his father to sign hisenlistment papers. It was Christmas 1915. His father was upset oversomethinghehaddoneandwasnot speaking tohimorgivinghimanypresents.SoHanssaid,“IknowIdon’tdeserveanypresents,butwillyouplease just sign this paper.”Hehad folded the paper over so his fathercould not seewhatwas on it, and his father, having had hisChristmasschnapps, signedwithout lookingat it.SoHanswent toofficer trainingschoolandwasassignedtoaU-boat,theU-63.

Aboutthedaythathefirstsawhissubmarine,hewrote:“Iwasgoingdownthedockandpassingsomeofthemostmodern,largesubmarines,butnoneofthemhadnumber63.SoIfinallyfoundit,andfoundoutthatitwasoneofthesmalloldertypesofsubmarines.Iwastakenaback,andmoresowhenIgotaboard.Ihadbeeninclosequartersbefore,butthesewere reallyclose.Youcouldhardlymovearound. Inmanyplaces therewasonlycrawlspace.”

TheU-63wasordered togo toScapaFlow,aBritishnavalbaseoffthe north of Scotland, to perform amission.My father said theywerelucky tomake it out of the basin alive because of themines, nets and

otherdefensesaroundthebase.“The rest of thewarwas amorehumanwar,” hewrote. “Wenever

sankanyshipwithoutwarning,andwehadthecrewandanypassengersgetintolifeboatsbeforewesanktheirship.OneofthesesinkingswasintheEnglishChannel.Wehadtosinkafreighter.ItwasaveryroughseaandIwassorryforthecrewandthesmalllifeboatsbecauseitwasalongwaytogettoshore.Wetowedthem,andwetowedthemsoclosetotheFrench coast thatwe cameunder artillery fire and had to cut loose thelifeboatsandgetoutofthereinahurry.Wemadeitwithoutdamagetoourselves.”

Myfatherwoulddescribethescrapesthattheoldsubmarinegotinto,especially after enemy ships started dropping depth charges on them.“Whenwehad to diveor run away from somebody,wehad to beverycarefulwithourair,”hewrote.“ManytimesIthoughttomyselfwhenwewereintrouble,WhydidIvolunteerforthisservice?”

After the armistice, the allies ordered the German navy officers toclearall themineswithminesweepers, adangerous jobat firstbecausethey had to pick up themines and take off the detonators. Later, theydestroyedthemwithgunfire.Afterhisdutyonaminesweeper,myfatherreturnedtohisoriginalportandresignedfromtheGermannavy.

InHamburgmy father found a jobon aGerman cargo steamer, theRheinbeck,whichwasboundfortheRussianportofArchangel.Itwashisticket to see theworld. From there the shipwent toEngland and, afterspendingthewinterinLiverpoolforrepairs,sailedtotheWestIndiesandSouthAmerica.

My father quit theRheinbeck inSan Juan,PuertoRico,with twoofhisfellowGermansailors.Theywentashorewithnomoneyandnojobs.Thus started a slew of adventures and more voyages on cargo ships.WhileonaNorwegianship, theystoppedat theharborofMaracaibo inVenezuela. They liked the town and the countryside enough that theydecidedtostay.

Afterdoingmenialjobsonplantationsandaroundthetown,thethreeGermans managed to use the little English they knew to get jobs asmechanics in the repair yards of ShellOil. SoonHanswasworking on

boats, andhequicklycaught thenoticeof themastermechanicand theheadoffice.HewaspromotedtoforemanofarepairshopattheportofLaSalinaonLakeMaracaibo,wheretheShelloilwellswere,andthentoportcaptainattheCatatumboRiver.Theinnovationsheinstitutedandthemoney he saved the company prompted his bosses to give him a raise.TheyalsosenthimbacktoGermanyforathree-monthvacation.

Whenhereturned,myfatherwasgivenanotherpostatLaSalina,thistimeaschiefofequipmentinthecompany’smaindrydock.HealsogotalicensefromtheVenezuelangovernmentthatrecognizedhimasaship’scaptain.

Another three years went by and my father was ready for anotherfurlough.By this time itwas 1932 andHitler had begun to change thecountry my father once knew. He wrote, “Walking through myhometown, I was uncomfortable with all these raised-arm salutes andswastikaflagseverywhere....Nothinggoodcouldcomeoutofthis.”

AfteronlyamonthinGermany,myfatherleftforNewYorkCityandspent the restofhisholiday there.Hemoved intoa littlehotelon46thStreetnexttoBroadwayandsawthetown,playingthepartofthetourist.HeevenwenttoNiagaraFalls.Soon,toosoon,theholidaywasoverandhewentbacktoVenezuela,whereasaportcaptainhetookthecompanyshipsbetweenMaracaibo,Curacao,ArubaandTrinidad.

OnavisittoPortofSpain,Trinidad,HansfoundahigherpayingjobasportcaptainwithanAmericancoalcompany.MyfatherlikeditbetterinTrinidad.HerentedahouseandhiredacooktopreparehimEuropeanmeals.HeevenjoinedthePortofSpainCountryClub,wherehemetanAmericancouplewhoowned twoplantations inVenezuela thatwere inpoorconditionandplaguedbydebts.Myfatherhelpedthecouplepayoffthedebtsandgettheplantationsrunningagain,andingratitudetheysoldhimthetitletooneoftheplantations,calledPargo.

***

Enter Fridy Enkerli. My mother was born on September 14, 1896, in

Bulle, in the canton of Fribourg, Switzerland, to Adolf Enkerli andElisabeth Schnyder Enkerli. She was christened Frieda Enkerli in theProtestantchurchandgrewupinBulle.(Assoonasshewasoldenoughtohavea say in thematter, shechangedhername legally toFridy.Forsomereason,shecouldn’tstandthenameFriedaandwouldnot tolerateanyone calling her that.) She had two brothers,Adolf andWerner, andthreesisters,Martha,GertrudeandMarguerite.

Fridy’s mother had grown up on the family farm, Uttewil, in thecantonofFribourgintheGerman-speakingpartofSwitzerland.Shewasthe youngest of great-grandfather Schnyder’s twenty-two children. Hisfirst wife died in childbirth and he married her sister, my great-grandmother. Seventeen of these children grew tomaturity. Theywereraised in the traditionof theSwiss-Germanpeople—proud,aristocratic,talented,hardworking—andtheirdescendantsrunthefamilyfarmtothisday.

Withalltheresponsibilitiesofalargefamily,thissecondwife,whowas Elisabeth Schnyder’s mother, was hard-pressed to give all of herchildren theattention theyneeded.Mygrandmothersaid thatasachildshealwaysdreamedthathermotherwouldcomeandkissher,andonceshedid.

My grandmother ventured into the French-speaking part ofSwitzerland and found theman shemarried,Adolf Enkerli.Adolf wasFrench-Swiss, a butcher by trade,whoseProtestant ancestors had comefromBavariatoescapepersecution.Heworkedhardinhisbutchershopbuttheywereneverwell-off.

The French-Swiss aremore carefree and lighthearted than the sternanddisciplinedGerman-Swiss,andAdolfwasfulloffun,alwaysmakinghischildrenlaugh.Intheirrelationship,AdolfwassaidtohavetheheartandElisabeth,asternandproudwoman, thewillandpower.Fridytookafterherfather.

In Fribourg, Fridy completed normal school (teachers training) andthensetoutforLondontomakeherwayintheworld.Shewastrainedasa governess and tutor with other Swiss girls and went to work for aprominentLondon family, theDarwinP.Rudds.After she served them

for seven years, the Rudds recommended her to Orlando F. Weber ofMountKisco,NewYork,oneofthefoundersofAlliedChemical.SoshesetsailfortheUnitedStatesandwasemployedasgovernessandtutortoClareWeber. Fridy spoke flawless English in the British tradition andtaughtFrenchthroughoutherlife.

Inabout1936shewasinPortofSpainonanexpeditionorganizedbyOrlando F. Weber Jr., the son of her employers. He had brought thenation’s leading ornithologist,GladysGordonFry, and other experts tostudythebirdsinVenezuelaandTrinidad.

Theexpedition startedout inTrinidad.Onenight, thepartywent tothePortofSpainCountryClub,where thebandofaGermanbattleshipwas playing. The band provided much better music than the countryclub’susuallocalselections.HansWulfwasthere,seatedatatablewiththecaptainofthebattleship.Thecaptainnoticedthatthemademoiselleatthenext tablewaseyeingmy father and suggested thathe inviteher todance.

Itwasaslowwaltz,sotheyhadachancetogetacquainted.Withherdark,stylishlycoifedhairandherglamorousclothes,Fridycutastunningfigure,andHanssawheras thesophisticatedEuropeanwoman that shewas.She,too,wastakenwithmyfather.Whentheeveningwasover,theAmericanexpeditionwentonitswayandHanswentbacktohisjobandlife in Port of Spain. Little did they know that their paths would sooncrossagain.

My father had just built a motor-sailing schooner out of a lifeboatdiscardedfromoneof theships thatboughtcoal fromhiscompany.HehadrepairedthehullandinstalledaFordmotorandamastforsailing.Afewdaysafterthenighthemetmymother,hedecidedthathewantedtotakehisboatonitsfirsttriptoVenezuela.Sohegotaten-dayleavefromhis company and headed for Pargo, on the north side of the Pariapeninsula.

My father told the port authority that he was going to the Yaguaplantation first, on the south side of the peninsula, owned by theAmericancouplethathadsoldhimPargo.TheportofficialstoldhimthatsomeAmericanswerestayingatYaguaandaskedhimtocarrysomemail

andapackageofmeat for them.My fatherwrote aboutwhathappenednext:

“IarrivedatYaguaandanchoredmyshipasclose to thebeachasIcouldwithouthittingthebottom,tookmyshoesandsocksoff,andwadedto the shore. I had a welcoming committee of one. From a distance, Icouldnotestablishtheidentity,maleorfemale,dressedinakhakishirt,ridingbritches,knee-highbootsandatropicalhelmet.IdidnotexpecttoseetheladyIdancedwithinthecountryclubinPortofSpain.Butitwasher—Miss FridyEnkerli.A very friendly greeting from both sides andsheseemedtobegladtoseemeagain.”

Everyone in the party—OrlandoWeber, FridyEnkerli,Mrs.GladysGordonFryandBryceMetcalf(bothfriendsoftheWebers),andtwobirdexperts from Tobago—was glad to see Captain Wulf again. He hadarrived at the right time. For not onlywere theAmericanswaiting fortheirmeat,buttheydidnothaveacook.Unfortunately,theChinesecooktheyhadhiredinTrinidadhadsuddenlydiedthedaybefore.

Hansseteverythingstraight.Heorganizedafuneralintheplantationcemetery,whichalltheAmericansandlaborersattended.Healsofoundanew cook among the laborers, and after he made sure the meals weregood, he announced to the party that hewas going to set sail the nextmorningforhisownplantation.

BryceMetcalf,FridyEnkerli and the twobird experts asked if theycouldcomealong.AsthelengthofthePariapeninsulawasdividedbyamountain range andCapt.Wulf’s plantationwas on the north side, thetripwouldprovideamarvelousopportunityforthebirdexpertstostudythebirdpopulationsofbothsides,which theyexpected tobealtogetherdifferent.

Hanswas glad to have the company, and theywere glad to have aguide.HetookthemsafelythroughtheDragon’sMouth,theonlychannelfromtheGulfofPariatotheCaribbeanSea.Butthewaterwassoroughthathefoundlodgingforeveryonefor thenightatafriendlyplantationand traveled through the strait the next morning, when the sea wascalmer.InfivehourstheywereatCapt.Wulf’splantation.

What the travelers sawwas abeautiful ranchhousewith a thatched

roof tuckedunderpalmtreesandflowerbushes.Capt.Wulfentertainedthemthereforsevendays.Theyhadacleanbeach,decoratedwithpalmtrees, onwhich to lounge. In the river up the hillwas a little pool thatCapt.Wulfhadmadewithrockshehadcarriedthere.Itmusthavebeenaholidayinparadiseformymother.ForafterreturningtoYaguaandtherestoftheparty,Capt.WulfandMissEnkerliannouncedthattheywereengagedtobemarried.

Afterthat,Capt.WulftookthepartybacktoPortofSpain,andtheyhadhimastheirguestattheHoteldeParis.HeshowedthemallaroundPortofSpainandtookthemontoursofthesurroundingplantations.Thedayspassedquickly,andwhenitcametimefortheAmericanstoleave,Fridy suggested thatHansmove to theUnited Stateswith her and thattheystartanewlifethere.

So my father got a visa to immigrate to the United States. Aftersellinghishouse,hiscarandhisboat,hetookthefirstpassengershiptoNew York City, where he had an attack of malaria. As soon as herecovered,FridyandHansgotmarried.

Theydecided tomove toRedBank,NewJersey,because friendsofFridy, a Swiss couple named theOeschkers, invited them tomove intotheirlargehousewiththem.ItwasconvenientforbothcouplessincetheysharedtransportationandtheirmutualloveofSwisscooking.

It didn’t takemy father long to find out about a boatyard that hadgone bankrupt and was up for sale. This was his chance to fulfill hislifelongdreamofbuildingcustom-designedyachts.

HeestablishedtheRedBankMarineWorksontheShrewsburyRiver.Thiswasafamilyaffair.Myparentsmadeitacorporation,andsincemymotherwasalreadyaU.S.citizen,shewasthepresident.Myfatherwasthe vice-president, and the former secretary for the firm, RosieBeckenstein,was the thirdofficer.Aftermy father opened for businessmy parents decided that it was time to settle down. So they rented abungalowonHenryStreetourfirsthome.

At the timemy father started his business,WorldWar II was justbeginning.And although the United States did not enter the war untilDecember 1941, people were not buying boats, either for pleasure or

commercialfishing.Somyfatherdecidedhewould,inhiswords,“gotoWashingtonandseeifUncleSamneedssomeboats.”

4EarlyMemories

Aboutamonthaftermyfirstbirthday,myparentsboughtthehouseat43SouthStreet.Itwasaneighty-year-old,two-storyclapboardhousewithacellar and an attic. It hadbeen theoriginal farmhouse in that area, andlittleby littleotherhomeshadbeenbuiltand thestreetsof the townofRedBankhadfilledin.

Among the earlymemories ofmy childhood are scenes inmy playyardwithmyplaymates.Mysurroundingswere truly idyllic.Myfatherfixedup the old tool shed as a playhouse.On the eastwall he put in abeautiful stained-glasswindow fromanoldmansion that hadbeen torndown inRumson.Themorning sun shone through the aquas, blues andpurplesofaclippershipsailingonthehighseas.Whatitconveyedtome,what I sensed (though unarticulated by my child awareness) was thedepth andpowerof theoceanofGod’sbeingand themovementof theshipofidentityacrosstheseaoflife.

Manyyearslater,whenIwastwenty-twoandundertrainingbyMarkL.Prophet,mylatehusband,hewrotedownapoemformethatrecalledthisthoughtformofmychildhood:

Onward,courage!ThenblamenottheBardWhenthewindandthegaleSweepo’erthemoorAndbowdownthesail,FortheshipshallmoveonAndthePortbeobtainedIfthecouragebehighAndthewillbemaintained!

Just across the garden path from my playhouse door was a white

picket fence enclosingmy very own play yard.HereDaddy builtme aropeswingwithaheavywoodenseatsuspendedfromsturdymetalpolesthatformedanarch.Becausetheropeswerelong,myfriendsandIcouldswinghigh.Andswingwedid,bythehour.Therewasasandbox;alarge,round, low table about a foot high for making mud pies and otherconcoctions; and a large box with two lids. This box alternated as theicebox formud pies and a home for the rabbitswho escaped from theMorrisboys’pennextdoorfromtimetotime.

Under thebackwindow inour large, sunnykitchen,my fatherbuiltme a red chest withmy name on top stamped in gold and outlined inblack. In that chest I kept mostly toys, blocks and some dolls andhandmadedollclothes.

Father andMother decided that there shouldbe amapof theworldovermytoychest.Andsooneday,atmytwo-year-oldeyelevel,theyputupacolorfulmapwiththenamesofallthecountriesandcapitalcitiesinboldtype.Icouldn’tread,soIwouldlookatthecountries,pointtothemandaskmymother,whowouldbecookingorwashingdishes,“What isthiscountry?Whatisthatcountry?”NomatterhowmanytimesIwouldaskher,shewouldtellmeagain.

SoonIhadmemorizedallofthecountriesintheworld.Butmorethanthat,IwasdevelopingaworldawarenessasIplayedwithmyblocksonthe black-and-white checkered kitchen linoleum.As my mother wouldtell me about these countries and impart to me her knowledge of theworld,Iwouldputmyfingeronacountryandgetasenseofwhatitwaslikethere,andwhatthepeopleandchildrenwerelike.

OneEaster,a friendofmyparentsgavemeanEasterbasketwithahen and adozen chicks.My fatherwent towork andbuilt an elaboratechickenhouseandchickenpen.Motherand I tookcareof thechickensfor many years, collecting their eggs each morning and feeding themgrain,waterandleftovers.Whenweletthechickensouttowanderinthefresh grass, theywould often stray from the backyard to the front andthen go next door or across the street onto the neighbors’ lawns andgardens.Iranafterthemandshooedthembacktotheirpen.WenamedthemotherhenLucyLocketandwecalledanotheroneChickenLittle.

Iwasoftenmakingmudpies,swingingonmyswingorrollingdownthehillofgreengrassfromthebackdoortothechickencoop.OrI’dberidingmytrikeorscooterupanddownSouthStreetwithmybestfriend,JanePetherbridge.SometimesIwaspickinglittleweedsthatchokedtheflowersintherockgardenorpluckingthedeadleavesandflowersoffofthegeraniumsintheirpots.Otherwise,Iwassuretobefoundonthefrontporchwithmydolls,mydollcarriage,mydollbedsandhighchairs,anda toy stove and kitchen sink. Janewould bring over her dolls and dollcarriageandwewouldplayhousebythehour.

Wisteria vines entwined themselves about the front porch roof andbalustrades and had done so for decades. In the summertime, theyprovided shade on the sunny side of the house.Clusters of pale purpleflowers tumbled from the branches. For me the scent of wisteria is asweetscentofchildhoodandearly“motherhood.”

I took care of Trudy, my littlest doll, with her handmade dresses,nighties,andpinkangorahatandcoat.TherewasPamela,whomIcouldbathe, and Gwendolyn in her knitted skirt, sweater and hat. She hadbeautiful golden blond hair and, like the others, eyes that opened andshut.ThentherewasEmily,thelargestdollofall.Ihavenoideawhereshe came from, but the top of her head and her hairweremissing.Allwerelovedandcaredforasmyveryownbabies.MotherandmySwissauntskeptmesuppliedwiththesweetestdollclothes.AsJaneandIgrewolder,wegotnewdollsthatcoulddrinkandwettheirdiapers.Wecouldwashandsettheirhairandgivethembaths.

IhadseveraldollhouseswhenIwasachild.Thelastandthelargestwasbuiltbymyfather,andmycollectionofdollsanddollfurnitureforitwasconsiderable.JaneandIspentmanyawinter’safternoonandeveningenactingallkindsofstoriesandplayswiththefamilieswholivedinourdollhouses.

By the time Iwas eight years old, Iwas taking care of real babiesaroundtheneighborhood.Itwasmygreatesthappiness tobeallowedtowheel the neighborhoodbabies up anddown the street, feed them theirlunchorsupper,orcareforthematthebeach.ByandbyIwasindemandas a babysitter and continued this occupation through high school as a

meansofearningmoneyforclothesandcollege.

***

ThentherewasBarry.Hewasacrossbetweenaspitzandafox terrier.Withalongwhitecoatandtail,caramelearsandspotonthecenterofhishead, anda largecircleof caramelonhisback,hewas the cutest littlepuppyIhadeverseen.

BarrywasbornattheboatyardonAndy’shouseboat.AndywaskindofthebumoftheShrewsburyRiver.Myfatherlethimtieuphisboatinanout-of-the-waycornerof theyardandkindofkeepaneyeonthings.Wealllovedhimandhelivedthelifehewantedtolive.EachtimeIwentdown to the river I would pay him a visit. Unshaven and unkempt, hewouldsmileandtalktome.Sometimeshewouldinvitemeaboard.Itwasthe biggestmess I had ever seen.Open cans of half-eaten food, an oldcoffee pot, dirty clothes and everything just where he’d left it lie forweeks.

When the puppies were born inAndy’s boat, my father picked thebestofthelitterandbroughthimhomeonenightwhenIwasfourorfive,much tomydelightbutnot tomymother’s.Shewasupsetbecauseshethoughtshewouldhavetodoallthework.ButwhenDaddyandIassuredherthatwewouldtakecareofthelittledog,shewarmeduptohimanddecidedhe shouldbenamedBarryafter theSaintBernarddog thathadlived on the family farm at Uttewil. So Barry hewas.Mother had theloudestwhistle,andbothBarryandIwouldrespondtohercallwheneverwewereroamingintheneighborhood.

I immediately became Barry’s master, house-trained him, fed himand took him with me everywhere. I gave him the little hand-paintedwood-and-strawchairmymotherhadbroughtmefromMexicoandputitnexttothesilver-paintedradiatorinthekitchen,wherehewouldbecozyinwinterandcoolinsummer.Itremainedhisbedforthesixteenyearsofhisdoggielife.WhenheandIwerebothlittle,Iwheeledhimaroundinmydollcarriage,butbyandbyhelearnedtoescape.

OnedayBarrywashitbyanoldjalopyinfrontofourhouse.DaddyandIwererightthere,workingonthefrontlawn.Weheardhimyelpinpainandturnedaroundtoseethedriverspeedaway.Daddypickedhimupandcarriedhimtothehouse,wherewemadealittlehospitalbedforhim.Wenursedhimbacktohealth,butthereafterhehadaspeciallittlethree-leggedwalk.He favored his injured foot,which only touched thegroundnowandthen.Thewalkbecamehismarkofdistinction.

EverydaywhenIcamehomefromschool,Barrywouldbewaitingonthefront lawn.Hewould takegiant leaps into theairand thenrun longcirclesaroundme the full lengthandbreadthof theyard.He lookedsofunny that Iwould laugh and clap and cheer himon,which onlymadehimrunfasterandfaster.

Whenhegotdirty, Iused togivehimabath in thebathtub,butnotbeforeallwasready.First thebathroomhadtobelinedwithall theoldtowels, the bathtub filled with warm soapy water and the door sealedshut.Ihadtoholdhimdownwhilehegotallscrubbedandfluffywhite.BeforeImasteredtheartofdoggiebathing,thefirstchancehegotBarrywould leap out soaking wet and shake himself all over the bathroom.Then I would recapture him and put him back till he was scrubbed,deticked,defleadandthoroughlyrinsed.FinallyIwouldfluffhimdryandcombhimtillhelooked“buffle,”asMotherusedtosay.

Onedaywhenhewasaboutsixyearsold,IdecidedthatBarryneededhis nails clipped and I decided that the ironing boardwould be a goodoperatingtable.Ilaidhimonhisbackwithallfourpawsstraightupandbegantheprocedure.BarryletoutahowllikeIhadneverheard.Needlesstosay,theoperationwasunsuccessful.

When theEastmans’boxermoved innextdoor,Barrywent throughan identity crisis.As far as theboxerwas concerned,Barrywas anon-dog.Theboxerwouldwalkabouthisyardandourswithadisdainfulair,totallyignoringBarry.Barrywouldbarkandyipathimbut tonoavail.FinallyonedaytheboxerhadhadenoughandheputBarryinhisplace.After the tussle, it seemed like Barry made sure his bark wasn’t sochallenging.

From the day he arrived, Barry’s water and food bowls were in a

cornerof thekitchen. Iwould try tomakehimeathisdog foodbuthewouldjuststareatitmournfully.Hepreferredtablescrapsandwouldsitandbegat everymeal, eyeingeachmorsel from fork tomouth.Father,MotherandIwouldneverfailtosharebitsandscraps,andhewouldleapintotheairtoearnhisprize.

Barryhadagoodheart.Inthelateryearsofmychildhood,whenalljoyhadflownfrommyparents’marriageandhardshipssetin,hewasafaithful friend who brought joy to my life and comforted both of myparents.

Iwas away at collegewhenDaddywrote to tellme thatBarrywasailing.Hesleptmostofthetimebutmadeanefforttogooutsideforhisneeds so hewouldn’t be a burden.Barry passed on peacefully, andmyfather and mother buried him in a little box under a tall fir tree anderectedalittlewhitecrossoverhisgrave.Thusendedthehappydaysofafaithfulfriendwhogaveatrulyunconditionallovetoeachmemberofourfamily.

5Neighbors

When reminiscing about the move to 43 South Street, Mother couldhardly begin without mentioning our neighbors, the Morrises, whobefriendedourfamilytheverydaywearrived:“Ournext-doorneighborsto thesouthwereGreek.Therewerefivechildren, theoldestTaki, thenGeorge,Angie, Stephen andElvira.All except Elvira had been born inRedBank.Their father,Mr.Morris, took the family back toGreece in1934,hiswifebeingsohomesick.Theystayeduntiltheendof1939....

“We hadn’t been moved in for a day when our new neighborsbefriendedus!Whatahappylifeweweretohaveasnext-doorneighbors!Themorechildrenthereare,thegreatertheloveisandthemorethereisofit.Elvirawassoaffectionateandhadagreat,quietsmile.Isometimesfoundherearlyinthemorningsittingonthebackstep.Shewaswaitingforthebaby....

“Dear,sweetBettyClarewasaveryshybabyandhercomplexionwasrather pale.Angiewas verymotherly to her. I was so thankful for themany evenings she came over to our house asHans and I sat down todinner in thekitchen.BettyClare couldbeheard cryingupstairs inhercrib.Itwasstilldaylightandtooearlytogotosleep.Hertearswouldnotstop.

“Many times when I ran up to check, I foundAngie already therecomforting the littleone.During theday Iput theplaypenon the lawnoutsidethekitchenwindowsoIcouldseehereasilywhileworking.Thelittle darling did not like to be therewithout anyone and she cried andcried.Thisstoppedassoonasher littlest friendElviracamerunning topullheroutofthepen.”

I was always welcome next door at the Morrises’ and they werewelcomeatourhouse too.Theygavemeadifferentkindoffamily lifethan I had at home. Both families shaped me, my future and myworldview.Idelightedinbeingthebabyoffiveolderbrothersandsisters

wholovedmeandtookcareofme.ItwasintheirhousethatIlearnedtowalk,whilemymotherwasonatriptoMexicowithMrs.Weber.

Whenmymotherwasservingmyfathersupper,hedidn’twanttobedisturbed bymy crying. SoAngie and Elvirawould tiptoe in the frontdoorandupthestairsandpullmeoutofmycrib.Then,withoneofthemcarryingme in their arms, they tiptoed back out again and ran to theirhousetoamusemeandplaywithmetomyheart’scontent.

SometimesMotherwouldget thefamilycarfor thedayandtakeusall to thebeach,orher friendAgnesSchwenkerwould roundusupandtakeus,alongwithhersonsCarlandJohn. Icouldnevergetenoughofthesunandsandandsea.Ifithadbeenuptome,Iwouldhavespentallday every day there. In the summertime my father’s customers andfriendswouldsometimes inviteme,Mother,AngieandElvira togoforridesontheShrewsburyRiverontheirSea-Wulfskiffs.AndsummerwasalsoatimeforbaseballonSouthStreet.IplayedwheneverDaddywouldletmeofffrommygardenwork.

AttimestheMorrisboysteasedmeandscaredme,pretendingtobethe boogeyman, especially Georgie. I remember, too, how we used tohuddle around the radio and listen toThe Lone Ranger and otheradventureprograms.Once Iwentwith thewhole family to thedrive-intheater to seeFrancis the Talking Mule. I thought it was the funniestmovieI’deverseen.ItremindedmeoftheBiblestoryofBalaamandtheassthattalkedtohim.

WhenIentered juniorhigh, theMorrischildren taughtmeballroomdancingintheirindoorsunporch.FirstwastheFoxtrot.Elvirawouldsay,“Slow,slow,quick,quick,slow;slow,slow,quick,quick”asIsteppedtothetimeofthemusic.TheyhadaVictrolaandplayedthepopularmusicof the early fifties. My favorite songs were “Begin the Beguine” and“BecauseofYou.”WealsolistenedtoGlennMillerandthebigbandsoftheforties.Thencamethewaltz,thetango,therumbaandthejitterbug,and even the Charleston. Later, in high school, I used to teach myboyfriends how to dance in our living roomwithmy own records andrecordplayer.Liketheseaandthesaltair,dancingwasinmyblood,andithasbeenahappyrecreationeversince.

Mrs. Morris was devout in her practice of the Greek Orthodoxreligion. I used to follow her around the house while she was sayingprayersandcarrying frankincense fromroom to room. In thebedroomsshehadEasternpaintingsofMaryandJesusadornedwithcrossesmadeofpalmsfromPalmSunday.Ilovedthereligiousartandtheritual.Mrs.Morris believed that the Blessed Virgin and the angels protected andcaredforherchildren—andIknewtheydidtoo.

IrememberhowStephenMorristaughtmetoridemyfirsttwo-wheelbikeupanddownSouthStreet.ItseemedIwouldnevergetthehangofit,and patient “Saint Stephen”would run up anddown the streetwithmenightafternight.OnedayImadeupmymindthatthiswasthedayIwasgoingtoridemybike.IprayedtoGodtohelpmeandaskedhimtobemypartner and ride with me. Then I thought, “If God is going to be mypartner,whydon’tIjustaskhimtoridemybike throughme.”SoIdid.Isaid,“God,pleaseridemybikewithmeandthroughme,andI’llrideittoo.”AndwhenImadeupmymindtodoit,withGod,Igotonmybikeandrode.IwasridingwhenStephencamehomeandsawme.HewassohappyandIwastoo.

I remembered the Bible verse, “Withmen it is impossible, but notwith God: for with God all things are possible.”[5] After that Idetermined toprove this laweverydayofmy life. I tested itagainandagainandfoundthat if Ididmypart,Godwoulddohis.But if Ididn’ttake the necessary, practical human footsteps, this lawwould notworkforme.IhadtomeetGodatleasthalfway,andthensome.Ihadtodoallthatwashumanlypossible.Ihadtostretchthelimitsofmyability.Myreachhadtoexceedmygrasp.Then,andonlythen,wouldGodenterandsupplythepowerandthegraceforeachnewchallengeandachievement.

Thekeyword,Ifound,waswith—“WithGodallthingsarepossible.”This meant that working with him and being on his team, I couldaccomplishhiswill,whichIwouldmakemyown.Butthesealingofmyunderstandingwas Jesus’ statement “MyFatherworkethhitherto, and Iwork.”[6]Thiswastruepartnership.ThisiswhatIwantedmylifetobe—apartnershipwithGod.AndIwentafterit.

6EllisIsland

ItwasthenightofMarch3,1942,andIwouldbethreeyearsoldinonemonth. My parents were seated at the dining room table entertainingguests who had been with them on the expedition to Venezuela. ThedoorbellrangandIrantoanswerit.

Since we had moved into the house, my father had brought oakpaneling and chandeliers from the oldmansion inRumson, and he hadspentninemonthsremodelingthediningroomandlibrary.Wenowhadafireplace, bookshelves, cabinets with leadedwindows, china and liquorclosets,anddrawersforlinenandflatware.Andjust thedaybefore,myfatherhadinstalledanewfrontdoor,thefrontdoorIwasnowopening.

Threetallmenstoodthere.Iwassosmallandtheyweresotall.Whowerethey?Whatdidtheywant?TheyaskedtoseemyfatherandIrantogethim.

ThereweretwoFBIagentsandthechiefofpolice.Theyhadcometotakemyfatheraway.Hewasanenemyalien,theysaid.TheysearchedthehouseandtookhisGermancameras,binocularsandotherpersonalitems.And they sent him toEllis Island.Hewas not anAmerican citizen; hewasaGermancitizenandwewereatwarwithGermany.

Before my father was taken to Ellis Island, the Department of theNavy had just handed him a contract to build sea skiffs that would beusedinthewaraslandingcraft.Hesuspectedthatoneofhiscompetitorson the ShrewsburyRiver had reported him to the authorities as aNazispy. In fact, my father’s suspicions caused a lifelong rivalry andanimositybetweenhimandthisman.

Inalettermymotherwrotetomyfatherthenextday,shesaid:“Itseemsaneternitysincelasteveningfromdinnertimeon.Iwastoo

stunnedtoletmyemotionsrunawaywhenyouleft,butlaterthroughthenightandthismorningIwasintears....

“Iwonderwhetheryouhadahearing today. Ihopeso.Doyouwant

metosendyourovercoat?Itmustbecoldthereandlotsofwind.BettyClare iswithAngie inhercarriage;she loves tobewheeled!SheaskedforDaddymany times andmade sand pies for you. I told her you hadgoneawaytogetsomemorewoodforherplayhouseandfence....

“Mr. Schwartz told me that all aliens in our territory were lookedafterlastnight.Soitisnotapersonalreflectiononyou.Thisislittlehelpinyourpredicament;anywayit’ssomething....”

The days turned intoweeks.Mymothermadeweekly trips to EllisIslandtovisitmyfatherandleftmeathomewithherfriendsMrs.Blackandherdaughter,Olga.Theydidn’thavemuchofthethingsofthisworldbuttheysurehadalotoflove.IrememberthatIfelttheirloveandtheycomfortedme through the long hours ofmymother’s absence andmyfatherbeingaway.

OnApril17, sixweeksafter theFBIhadcome togetmy father,hewas finally released from Ellis Island. Witnesses who knew him welltestified in a hearing that he was an upright citizen and he was notconspiring with the Nazi enemy. Although my father was allowed toleaveEllisIsland,hewasputonparoleontheconditionthathewouldnotleave the townofRedBank.Thearmyandnavyevengothim tobuildmoreboats,buttheparolewasn’tlifteduntilafterthewar.

Whenever my father spoke of the day when he was released fromEllisIsland,hewouldrepeatthesewords—wordsthathewantedburnedinmymemoryforever:“BettyClare,Idon’twantyoutoforgetthatthepeoplewhogavememyfreedombycoming forward towitness formewere Jews. There was Rosie Beckenstein, my secretary, and MurraySchwartz,myattorney.EventhoughIwasGermanandaccusedofbeingaNazi(which,asyouknow,Ineverwas),theywerewillingtostandupforme.Andbecauseoftheirkindness,Iwasabletocomehometoyouandyourmotherbeforethewarwasover.AndafterthewartheyneverheldagainstmewhattheNazisdidtotheJews.

“IwantyoutoremembertobeafriendtoallJewsandanyoneyouseebeing persecuted. There’s good in everyone, just as no one is withoutfault.Butnooneshouldhavetosufferbecauseoftheirnationality,theirraceortheirreligion.Andyouseetoitthatyouliveandletliveandhelp

peoplewhoneedyourhelp.”No,Daddy,Ineverforgotthenightthosethreemencametothedoor,

andIwillneverforgetwhosavedyouwhentherewasnooneelsetostickupforyou.WhenIwouldhearkidsatschooltalkingaboutJews,NegroesandEastEuropeanimmigrants, Iwouldremember.Allmyfriendswerewelcomeatourhouse.Weunderstoodwhatitwasliketobesingledoutandostracizedthroughguiltbyassociation.AndIlearnedmyfirstlessonattheageofthreeaboutthepriceofliberty,theabuseofpowerandtheexigenciesofwar.

7TheWar

WorldWarIIbeganwhenHitler’sarmiesinvadedPolandonSeptember1,1939.Againstthebackdropofthismundaneastrology,Ihadmademyentranceontheworldscene.

Itwasthecenturyofwar.Tome,thewarwasnotfaracrossthesea.Itwasinmyhometown.Itwasatourhouse.WelivednearFortMonmouth,anarmybase.DuringthewarGermansubmarineswerepatrollingofftheJerseyshore.

Iwas not yet threewhenwe started having air-raid drills.During adrillallthelightsinthehousehadtobeout.Air-raidwardenswouldgoupanddowntheblockscheckingtoseeifeveryone’slightswereout.Onanumberofoccasionsmymotheruseda flashlightor lit a candle, andveryquicklytherewouldbealoudknockatthedoor.Thewardenwouldinformherthathecouldseethelightthroughacrackinthedrapes.

Every day at noon the air-raid sirenwould sound.The blastwas soloudthatyoucouldhearitfromoneendofthetowntotheother.Theair-raid sirenwas also the fire siren.Whenever therewas a fire, the sirenwouldgooffacertainnumberoftimes,signifyingwhatareaoftownthefirewas in.As soon as the sirenwent off, everyonewould be still andcountthenumberofblasts,thencheckthefirealarmlisttoseewherethefire was. When the fire alarm went off at night, our family alwayschecked to see if the fire was in the area of our home or my father’sbusiness.When itwas the latter,my fatherwould tear off inhis car tocheck ifeverythingwasOK.Once thereactuallywasa fire in thepaintshedattheboatyard,butitwasquicklyputout.

One way people could help the war effort was to have their own“victory garden” and grow their own food. Our garden, always full ofvegetablesandfruits,wasabigproduction.

Whenmyfatherandmotherweregalvanizedinthecauseofthewar,they rose to levels of heroism. I saw their best side and understood

through the eyes of my immigrant parents what it meant to be anAmerican.When each in turn became a naturalized citizen, they wereproud as proud could be. They had finally arrived. They were finallyaccepted.Theywereapartofthegreatestnationonearthandtheyweregratefulforeverystepithadtakenthemtogetthere,tobetogetherandtohaveachildbornandraisedonAmericansoil.

Duringthewarwekeptourearsgluedtotheradiofornews.Ibelievethatmy father even kept a shortwave radio at his business so he couldfind out if theAllied attacks on Germanywere in the areas where hisbrothersandsisterswereliving.WealsokeptuponthenewsbyreadingTheNewYorkTimesandLifemagazine,whichcameouteveryweek.

Theconversationatthedinnertablewasalwaysoncurrenteventsorrecent history. I had daily lessons from my mother and father on theeventsleadinguptothewar, thecountriesthatwereinvaded,wheretheAlliedforceswere,where theNaziswere.Duringandafter thewar,mymother and father taughtme about theTreaty ofVersailles,which hadestablishedtheshakypeaceafterWorldWarIandmadeWorldWarIIallbutinevitable.

MyparentsrootedforGeneralPatton,andtheysawrightthroughtheconniving of Stalin and Roosevelt. They were heartbroken whenRooseveltagreedtohandoverthepeoplesandnationsofEasternEuropebasedonStalin’sargumentthattheywereSlavsandethnicallytiedtotheRussian people. My parents believed that millions would suffer underStalin’sretributionandaslongasCommunismandCommunistdictatorsdominatedthosenations.

During thewaryears,ourparentsor theMorrisesused to take JaneandmetoSaturdayafternoonmatineesattheStrandorCarltontheaters,theonlytwointown.Thenewsreelsofthewarshownbeforethemovieswerelengthyandvivid.Itwasanotherwaythatthehardshipsofthewarwerebroughthometous.

At the theater I remember watching Walt Disney films. One thatmade a very strong impression onmewasBambi. I sobbed through thesceneswhereBambi’smotherwas shot,while Jane, seated next tome,nevershedatear.

WheneverIwassick,mymotherwouldletmelieinbedintheguestroom,whichwasalittlelargerthanmyroomandhadadoublebed.Thebedwould be coveredwith dolls, games and toys. Each day that Iwassick, she would catch Stevie Morris coming home from school in theafternoonandsendhimtothecornerstoretogetmealargevanillaandchocolateDixiecup.

Whenthetreatiesendingthewarweresignedin1945,IwassickinbedwithacoldbutitwasawarmSeptemberdayandthewindowswereopen.Icouldhearcelebrationsinthestreets,hornsblowing.Peopleweremakingmerry,gettingdrunkandlettingallthestopsout.

Whenthewarwasover,Lifemagazinepublishedgruesomephotosofthosewhohadbeenasphyxiated in thegaschambers.Thehorrorof theholocaustasitunfoldedinLifeandthelessonittaughtmeonthenatureof absolute evil incarnate in the Nazi high command has neverdiminishedfrommymind.Norshould itdiminishfromanyone’smind,lestweforgetandsuchevilovertakeusagain.

In thisregardIamgrateful thatmyparentswererealistsand taughtmetobearealist.Theydidnotshieldmefromcurrenteventsbutmadethemapartofmylife.HadIbeendeprivedofthisvitalsceneasitwashappening, as we were living it, I would have been deprived of majorelements of the preparation for my mission. The seed planted wasunfolding.

Whenwewereinthesixthgrade,wewereresponsibleforbringinganewsstorytotheclassroom.Wehadtobeabletodiscussitandexplainitto the class. Sometimes the night before and sometimes the morningbeforeI left forschool, Iwouldsitdownwithmymother toreviewthenewssoIcouldreportonit.Itwasadifficultassignment.Currenteventswere hard to understand without a background in recent history, but Iworkeddiligentlyatit.Ithankmymotherandmysixth-gradeteacherforseeing to it that we persevered in these assignments. I’m certain itcontributedtomydecisiontomajorinpoliticalscienceandinternationalrelationsincollege.

8Family

Sixmonthsafterthewarwasover,inthespringof1946,Motherreceivedanurgentmessagefromherfamily.Grandmotherhada terminal illnessandwasnotexpectedtolivemorethanafewweeks.Iwassevenat thetime. With little understanding of death or the deep ties that existedbetween my mother and her mother, and between my mother and herbrothers, sisters, nieces and nephews, I could scarcely comprehend thegravityofthesituation.

Throughwhateverconnectionsmyparentshad,mymotherwasabletobookpassagefor thetwoofusononeof thefirstnonmilitaryflightsfrom NewYork to London. Our passport pictures were taken, all thedocumentswereinplace,andthedaycamewhenIwastotakemyfirstplane ride.Weweregoing tocross theAtlanticOcean. Itwas themostexciting thing thathadeverhappened tome inmyentire life!We saidgood-byetomyfatherandBarry,boardedtheplaneatLaGuardiaAirportinNewYork,andembarkedona journey thatwas toexpandmyworldawareness from thewhitepicket fenceofmyplayyard to internationalboundaries.

MotherhadtoldmemuchaboutherchildhoodinBulleandthepranksthatsheandherbrothersandsisterswouldplay.Ihadseensnapshotsofmyrelatives,andonthecalendarsthatregularlyhunginourkitchenIhadseen images of picturesque towns and villages, the countryside and theSwissAlps.But itwas impossible forme to imaginewhat itwasreallylikeinSwitzerland.Allthenewsreels,radioandmagazinecoverage,allIhad heard about around the kitchen table, and all the letters fromGermanyandSwitzerlandthatgotthroughduringandafterthewar—allofthiswasnowherenearequaltotheexperienceofbeingthere.

It was a long flight in those days, on a propeller-driven plane.Throughoutthetrip,mymotherwasinmortalfear,whileIwasjumpingupanddownwithdelight.Itoldhernottoworry,thatGodwouldseethat

wearrivedsafely,butshewasnottobecomforted.Finally,welandedinLondonandtookataxitoourhotel.

Thesightsof thebombed-outcity toldastoryofhorror. Isawwhatwarhaddoneandcoulddotoanation.MotherandIwalkedupanddownthestreets,andthescenesareasvividtomenowastheywerewhenIwasthere.IwillneverforgetthemaslongasIlive.Mysoulknewwhatmymindwasyet incapableofcomputing.But this I resolved: Ihad to livemy life and serve my nation and other nations so that something asdreadfulas thiswarcouldneverhappenagain. IaskedGodtoshowmehowIcouldprepare formymission, to showmewhatmymissionwasandhowhemightusemetobringaboutworldpeace.

Within two days we crossed the English Channel by boat and thentook a train to Geneva, Lausanne and our final destination at Territêt.Along thewaywe saw thewreckage and ravages ofwar.Not until wecrossed the border into Switzerland did we leave the war-torncountryside.

At Territêt we stayed at the home of Uncle Werner, my mother’syoungerbrother,andTanteMarie.Itwasherethatmygrandmotherwaslyinginbedsufferinginherfinalillness.UncleWernerandTanteMariehad two sons.Theolderwasa teenager,namedDödi.TheyoungerwasJean-Gustave,andheandIbecamefastbuddies.

Whilemymothervisitedwithhermother,Jean-GustaveandIplayedallover theapartment, in thecourtyardandin thepicturesqueplacesofTerritêt,which ison the shoreofLakeGeneva. In themorningand theafternoon,wewereallowedtovisitourgrandmotherbriefly.Iwasawedby her presence. I had never seen anyone on a death bed. The familyprayedatherbedsideandIprayedwiththem.ShecouldnotspeaktomenorI toher, forIdidn’tknowFrenchandshedidn’tknowEnglish.Butoursoulscommuned,andapartofherbecameapartofme,apartthatIhavetreasuredallofmylife.

Finallythedaycamewhenmygrandmotherwasnearherpassing.Thewhole family gathered around her, including the children. Death wassomething that was a part of life, they said, and we should not beexcludedfromtheevent.Andsoitcametopassthatattheageofseven,I

sawmymaternalgrandmotherdrawherlastbreath.Itseemedtomethattherewas littledifferencebetween lifeanddeath—being in thebodyorout of the body.As the soul gentlymade her final exit, I wondered ifJesusandhisangelshadcometotakeherinthatmoment.Icouldnotseehimor theangels,but I feltapeacefulpresenceofcomfortandasensethatGodwastakingcareofher.Deathwasamysterybutnotunnatural.ItwasthelogicalconclusionofalifelivedfortheLord,forherfamilyandforherhusband.

NotuntilyearslaterdidIlearnthatshe,likeFridy,haddealtwithahusband’salcoholism.Mymaternalgrandfatherwasnot living in1946,sowhatIknowofhimarethestoriesofhisjollynatureandhowheusedtoplaywithhissevenchildren.

Immediately followingGrandmother’spassing, the familyconvenedat Uttewil, where a service was held. I remember watching as theylowered the casket into the grave and covered it over, and I rememberplacinga largewreathfromourfamilyonhergrave.RelativesfromalloverSwitzerlandconvenedforthefuneral,andsoitwasherethatImetmanywhomIhadnotyetseen.

AfterthefuneralwestayedinUttewilandIgottoknowcousinsandunclesandauntswhohadremainedthereandwererunningthefarm.Wevisited the homes of my mother’s other brothers and sisters and theirfamilies as well as the brothers and sisters of my grandmother in theSchnyderfamily.

Each household and each family was quite different, the Enkerlisbeingthelesswell-offbranchofthefamily,theothersbeingwell-to-do.Andso I learnedhowpeople invarious levelsofsociety lived,worked,played, sang and danced. I established close ties with many of mycousins.EachoneofthemwasdeartomeandIadmiredtheirmanners,their education and everything about theirway of life.We also visitedhistoric places, returned to my grandmother’s hometown and went onhikesinthemountains.

9ThreeSigns

BeforeIwasbornandwhenIwasveryyoung,someseedswereplantedthatwouldspurmeoninmyardentsearchforthemastersoftheFarEast.Inparticular, threeeventsoccurredinmymother’s life thatenabledmetofindoutaboutthesebelovedmasters.

WorldWar I broke outwhilemymotherwas growing up inBulle,Switzerland, and throughout the war Swiss soldiers were quartered inprivatehomesthere.AsoldierwasassignedtotheEnkerlifamily,andmymotherwasresponsibleforkeepinghisroomclean.OnhisnightstandshefoundTheSecretDoctrine,byMadameHelenaP.Blavatsky.Shereaditavidly,andthisworkinspiredbythemastersMoryaandKuthumilaidthefoundation for her lifelong belief system. She acknowledged theexistence of the masters of the Far East, and she accepted the law ofkarma and reincarnation as the only plausible explanation for theinequitiesoflife.

The secondeventoccurredwhilemymotherwaspregnantwithme.Mrs.Weber,forwhomshehadworkedasagovernessinNewYork,gaveherThe“IAM”Discourses, byGodfréRayKing.She toldmymother,“Guard this book, for it is not for the profane.Keep it in your privatelibrary.”

Mymother toldme later, “Onenight I fell asleep readingabout theMightyIAMPresence.[*]AftersometimeIwasawakenedbyapresenceintheroom.Isawagreatlightatthefootofmybedandsaidoutloud,‘That’stheMightyIAMPresence!’andpromptlywentbacktosleep.”

Mymother toldme about a third contact with a higher power thatoccurred before my birth. The Oeschkers (the couple my parents hadstayed with when they were first married) had given my mother theChristianSciencetextbookbyMaryBakerEddy,ScienceandHealthwithKey to theScriptures, and thecompanionvolume to it, theKing JamesVersion of the Bible. They also introduced her to a devout Christian

Scientistwhowas tobecomea lifelongfriendofmyparents.Hernamewas Eva Schofield, and she was also a comforter and teacher to methroughoutmyearlyyears.She lived in thecountry justoutsideofRedBank. In later years she became a Sunday school teacher at the FirstChurch of Christ Scientist, Red Bank, as well as a practitioner ofChristianScience.

MymotherusedtotellthestoryofMrs.Schofield’sassistancewhenIwasababy:

“BettyClarewas less than a year oldwhen she developed a severeearache.Nothingwouldstophercrying.IwassoupsetthatIcalledMrs.Schofieldandheldmybaby to thephoneafter tellingherwhatwas thematter.Ithentookthephonetomyeartolistentowhatshehadtosay.She simply said 'All is well, Zellie,[†] all is well.' Immediately BettyClarestoppedcrying,allsignsofherearachegone."

AtthatmomentmymotherknewthatGodhadhealedmethroughthisdevoutwoman,whoappliedtheprinciplesofChristianSciencehealingtomycase.

AfterIhadmovedawayfromhomeandfoundthemastersoftheFarEast, I discovered that I had been hearing their teachings when I wasthreeyearsold.WhilemyfatherwasbeingheldatEllisIsland,theladieswhocametotakecareofmeduringmymother’sabsenceswouldreadtomefromThe“IAM”Discourses.

Thus theseedswereplantedof the threeactivities sponsoredby theascended masters that were to have a great influence on my life—Theosophy,the“IAM”ActivityandChristianScience.Buteventhoughmymother believed in and accepted theprinciples of all three, shedidnotapplythemactivelyorurgemetoapplythem.However,shedidshareherbeliefinreincarnation,whichmadeperfectsensetomeandwhichIconfirmedinmyownheart.AndwhenIcameupontheteachingsoftheseactivities (in the reverse order in which she had found them), sheaffirmedthemtobetrueandgavememyfreedomtopursuethem.

10APastLife

When I was about four, suspended in that carefree realm of timeless,spaceless dimension that the child yet lives in, I was alone one dayplayinginmysandbox.Thecloudsweretracingformsofformlessnessontheskyeycanvas,shapingandreshapingthemselvesinfairy-talemotifs.The rays of the sun on themorning dewmade the lawn and lilacs, thehyacinth, jonquils and forsythia sparkle like a crystal paradise in somefar-offland.

I was secure in the definitions of the little white picket fence,caressedby thebreezesand the soft flappingof the leaveson thegiantsilvermapleas theyshowed their silveryundersides.Mydollswerealllined up on the little painted wicker chair from Mexico. They werereceivingalessononhowtomakemudpiesforDaddy.

Then,gradually,gently,thescenebegantochange.AtacertainpointitwasasthoughsomeonehadturnedthedialonaradioandIwaslockedintoanotherfrequency.

IwaswhoIwas,calmlycentered inmyheart.Mysoulwasfree,asfreeasthechildIwas.YetIwasnotinRedBank,NewJersey,norinthetime frameof thepresent. Iwas idlyplayingon the sandsof theRiverNile,baskinginthesunshine,comfortedbythewarmthofthesunandamother’slove.PlayingtherewasaltogethernaturaltomebecauseIwassecureinmynativeuniverse,secureintheGodwhowaseverywhere,theGodwhoseflameburnedwithinmyheart.

AsIsatthereplayinginthesand,IknewIwasinEgypt.IknewIwasontheNileRiver.Then,aseasilyasmysoulhadglidedintothatscene,itglided back, and I was once again in my sandbox in Red Bank, NewJersey.Thedialhadbeen turnedback to theprevious station.Not evendazed, I jumpedupand ran to findmymother.Shewascookingat thekitchenstove.“Mother!Mother!Whathappenedtome?”ThenItoldherstepbystepthestoryofwhatIhadjustexperienced.

Shesatmeonachairandsatdownoppositeme.Withkindnessandacertain respectful regard that mymother always had for me nomatterwhatmyage,shesaidcalmly,“Youhaverememberedapast life.”Andthen, in words I could understand, she explained, “We have all livedbefore.We are sent herewith a purpose and a plan.But it takesmanylifetimestofinishtheworkwemustdo.Ourbodyisacoatwewear.Andwhenitwearsout,wegetanother.”

“Dowegetanewmommyanddaddytoo?”Iasked.“Yes,we get a new daddy andwe come back in anothermommy’s

tummy.Thesoul isbornoncebut itgetsanewcoatwhenitneedsone.Andwhenwecomebackagain,thestorybookofourlifecontinueswiththenextchapter.”

Mymother thenexplainedwhyshebelievedwehadall livedbeforeandwould live again. “People are born different from each other,” shesaid.“Onechildisbornrich,anotherpoor.Oneisgoodatmanythings,anotherisgoodatnone.Goodluck,badluck.Oneisagenius,anothercanhardlylearntoreadandwrite.”

“Why?”Iasked.“Becausewhenwedogood in one life, that good returns to us in a

future life.Whenwe are naughty and do bad things, that returns to usalso. If you harm someone in one lifetime, youmay be harmed in thenext. This is how God’s justice works, Betty Clare. Unless youunderstand that you have lived before, you will never understand whycertain things happen in your life, both the good and the bad. If youpracticethepianoandstudyyourlessonsandyougetgoodatit,youcanbring it back in your next life.After several lifetimes of studying thepiano,youcouldbebornachildvirtuosolikeMozart.”

Stillinthestateofjusthavingexperiencedapastmodality,paralleltomypresentone,mychildmindcouldeasilygrasptherealitythatlayjustbeneath the surface of conscious awareness.Mypast lifewas a reality,and I knew what my mother was talking about. The concepts ofreincarnationandkarmaweredimly familiar,embedded in thememoryofmysoul.IjusthadtoberemindedbecauseIwaswearinganewbodyandIcouldn’trecallwhatIhadknowninothertimesandspheres.

Iwent back tomy sandbox, content that lifewould unfold itself tome,thatlifewouldteachmewhateverIneededtoknowinordertofinishwhat I had begun as a little child playing on the Nile River. But theboundaries ofmy existence had been permanently altered. I nowhad afixedcoordinatesomewhereinthedistantpast.Ihadrelivedarecordofapast life.And that record, I felt certain, was one key tomy destiny. Iwouldneverforgettheexperience.

Yes,Ididthinkinthesetermsasachild.Forafterall,wearematureandancientones, evenwhenweare children, inhabitinga child’smindand body.And the part of us that is timeless understands beyond thepresent. Such flashbacks may not be uncommon among children. Butbecausethereisnotawiseparentorteachertointerpretthedéjàvu,thechild will often lose those early soul experiences beneath the shiftingsandsofthesubconsciousmind.WithoutreligioustrainingandasenseoftheSelfbeyondtheself,thesoulmaybecometheslaveoftheconcrete,rationalmindthatscreensoutintuitionandextrasensoryperceptionsthatcomefrombeyondthementalbelt.

11SearchingforGod

IwastwoyearsoldwhenIhadfirstmetJanePetherbridge,whowasalsotwo. Jane, her parents and two older brothers, Bill andDavid, had justmovedinafewhousesdownonSouthStreet.ForJaneandme,itwaslikeloveatfirstsight.Fromthatmomentwewereinseparable.

We played in my play yard and playhouse and in our garden. Wewheeledourdollsinourdollcarriagesupanddownthestreet.Werodeourtrikesandscooters,madesandcastlesatthebeach,chasedthewavesgoingoutandranaheadofthewavescomingin.Wejumpedinsprinklersinthesummerandmadesnowmeninthewinter.OnHalloweenwewenttrick-or-treating, all dressed up in the costumes our mothers made orbought, carvedourpumpkins,bakedourcookies, splitour raisins fifty-fifty.Wehadouragreementsanddisagreements.

AtherhouseweateBostonbakedbeansandbrownbread, coleslawandhotdogs.Webuiltskyscrapersatmyhousewiththeblocksmyfathermade,dressedupinhermother’sclothesandshoesathers,andlaidoutanelaborateplottocoverourselveswithsheetsandscareourparentsinthemiddleofthenight.

Jane and I went to kindergarten together and were bosom buddiesthrough the third grade. But that summer, twomomentous events tookplace in our lives. One of them would tear us from each otherpermanently.

First,webegantonoticethatJane’smothercriedalotandherfatherwas seldomhome.Byandby thenewscame thatherparentswouldbedivorcedandhermotherhadmadeplanstomovebacktoMainewiththethreechildrentolivewithJane’sgrandfather.JaneandIweredevastatedatthethoughtthatwecouldeverbeseparated.

TheothermomentouseventinvolvingJaneprovedtobeakeytomyspiritualsearch.BeforeJane’sfamilymovedaway,hermotherwastryingto deal with the grief from the breakup of her marriage. Mrs.

Petherbridge,whohadcomefromastaunchMethodistbackground,wasinvited to attend services at theChristian Science church inRedBank.Janewas going and I asked if I could come along.Wewere placed inSundayschoolwhilehermotherwenttochurch.Formethatdayendedalongsearch.

***

Attheageoffour,Ihadbegunlookingforsomeonewhocouldteachmeabout God. I pressed my mother to take me to Sunday school or tosomeonewho could teachme. She said, “BettyClare, youwill have towait till you are five.” I think the year between four and five was thelongestyearofmylife.

Finally she said, “Now I’m going to take you to Sunday school.” Ijumped up and down for joy. Happily seated in Sunday school at theMethodist church, I waited to hear the teachings of Jesus. But insteadthey made us color rabbits and Easter eggs in coloring books. I keptwaiting for the lesson but it didn’t come. Then it came time for thecollection and I put my money in the plate. Afterwards I asked theteacher, “What do you do with the money?” She said, “We give it toGod.”

Iknewverywell thatGoddidn’tneed themoneyand thathedidn’tcome and take the collection from the plate. I was hurt because theteacher had lied tome.When Iwent home and askedmymotherwhattheydidwiththemoney,shesaidtheyusedit tokeepupthechurch,topay themanwhomowedthe lawnsand topay thepastorasalarysohecould support his family. This made perfectly good sense and I wassatisfied,butIaskedmymothertotakemetootherchurches,notonlytothe Sunday school but to the adult services. I wanted to hearwhat theministers were saying. I wanted to attend a candlelight service onChristmas Eve. I wanted to study under a Sunday school teacher whocouldanswermyquestionsaboutGodandJesusandtheBible.

My mother took me to almost every Protestant church in town or

asked the neighbors to takemewhen theywere going.But each time Icameawayfeelingempty,knowing that themessage Iwasseekingwasnotthere.YetIstilldidn’tknowwhatthatmessagewas.

After those early excursions to the various Sunday schools andworshipservices,neitherofmyparentseveraccompaniedmetochurch,nordidtheygothemselvestoachurchoftheirchoice,withafewnotableexceptions. One of these wasmy father’s attendance at Christmas EvemidnightMassatSaintJamesChurch.Theotherwas theEastersunriseservice held at Atlantic Highlands, one of the highest points on theEasternSeaboard.

I looked forward to that Easter service each year.My father and Iwouldleaveearly in themorningwhile itwasstilldark,makethehalf-hourdriveandbetherewhentheservicestartedbeforedawn.ItwasheldoutdoorsandIwasneverdressedquitewarmlyenoughforthechillofthemorningair.

Therewasaminister,achoirandanorgan.As thesunrosedirectlyeast,outoftheAtlanticOcean,theorganistwouldplay“ChristtheLordIsRisenToday.” I thrilled to thesoundof theAlleluiasand feltadeepcommunionwithJesus.EachEasterIwouldreaffirmmycommitmenttohimofallmylife,allIcouldofferinhisservice.Ifeltmysoul’stietohis heart. Jesus, the light ofmy life, the sun ofmy soul. “O Jesus,” Iwouldpray, “you savedmeandmypreciousmotheronHolySaturday.Nowusemetoyourpurposes,OLord.”

Wecouldn’tcoaxmymothertocomealong.Icouldneverunderstandwhy.ShehadattendedCatholic schools inBulle, thoughbroughtupbyProtestantparents.

My father was a confirmed Lutheran. He showed his faith byabundant works and the creed of the working man. Meanwhile, heretained his ties to that church, whose founder had proclaimed thatsalvationcouldbeattainedbyfaithalonewithoutworks.

Forallhisblusterandtheblastsofhellthatcamethroughhimwhenhewasundertheinfluenceofalcohol,yetmyfatherfearedGod.Manyanight Iwould hear him crying out toGod to help him.Butmymothernever prayed nor taught me to pray. She never spoke of Jesus or the

saints. And to my loss, she never placed a single religious statue orpainting in thehouse—noclassical religiousart,noportraitof JesusortheBlessedVirginortheChildJesus.

The one exceptionwas a terra-cotta plaque five inches in diameterthat had a little angel in bas-relief paintedwhite on aWedgwood-bluebackground.Mymother hung it over my bed, and it was there until Igraduatedfromhighschool.ItwasthelastthingIlookedatbeforeIfellasleepatnight.Italwaysmademesmile.“Maybe,”Ithought,“there’sarealangelpeepingthroughthatsmilingcherub.”

Tomydismay,mymotheralsostronglyobjected to theAveMariasplayedonTVorradio,sayingtheywereoverdone.Andyet,withperfectgladness,shewouldrespondtomyrequeststovisitSaintJamesCatholicChurch each timewewent to town. She carefully instructedme in thepropermode of reverence according toCatholic traditions. She showedmehowtokneelbeforetheBlessedVirginandtolightacandletoprayforthesickorthedeceased.Sincethatearlytraining,IhavealwaysfeltathomeinCatholicchurchesaroundtheworldandhavemadepilgrimagestomanyshrinesandcathedralsinEurope,theUnitedStates,andCentralandSouthAmerica.

Anotherexceptiontomymother’snonattendanceatchurchtookplaceon theoccasionsof thepassingofhermother, sister andbrother.Aftereachof these events, shewouldgo to a spiritualist churchand takemewithher,seekingamessagefromthebeyondfromherlovedones.

Iwasquiteamazedasachildthataspiritualistmediumoraministercould bring forthmessages from the dead.Mymother seemed pleasedandcomfortedbythemessagesshereceived,whilemyeyeswidenedindisbelief. I was glad when she didn’t take me to any more of thoseservices. Ididn’tunderstandwhyweneeded tohear fromrelativeswhowere in heaven. Perhaps through spiritualism my mother thought toreassureherselfthatifshecouldhearfromherfamilymembers,shetoowouldhaveaplaceontheotherside.

Whatwasmostalarming tomeaboutmymother’s religious life,orrather theabsenceof it,washer fearofdeath.Shewasof strongSwissstockandlived tobeninety-one,butshefearedheroncomingdeathfor

thirtyyearsbeforeherpassing.Whensheconfidedthistomeinherlateryears,Iremindedherthatdeathwasnotreal.Isaidthatwemerelyshedthe outworn coat we are wearing and the soul moves on to a newschoolroom of life (as she had once explained tome) or to one of theFather’smanymansionswhereJesushaspreparedaplaceforus.Iprayedwithherandforher,butwhenthehourofherdeathcame,herfearwasnoless.

***

At the age of six, seven and eight, Iwould ask Jesus to explain tomewhattheministersweresaying,andhewouldtellmethemeaningoftheparables. He told me that the ministers did not have the keys to themysteriesofGodandofhiskingdom, forhis teachingshadeitherbeenleftoutofthescripturesorhadnotcomedowntousashehadoriginallytaught them. He said that in this age these lost teachings had to berestoredandIwouldhaveapartintheirrestoration.

Iwasawestruck.HowwouldIpreparemyself?WhereshouldIbegin?IknewImuststudytheBible.Iyearnedforateacherwhowouldleadmeintoalltruth.

OnthatfirstdayinChristianScienceSundayschool,thedaythatIwentwithJane,myprayerforateacherwasanswered.IwasconvincedIhad found the place that had the most advanced teaching on Jesus’messagethattherewastobefoundinmyhometown.

AfterSundayschoolIboundedinthedoorandrantofindmymother.Iexclaimed,“Mother,doyouknowwhat I learned today? I learned thescientificstatementofbeingbyMaryBakerEddy.”Mr.WillardwasmySunday school teacher and he had loaned me a copy ofScience andHealth.HereiswhatIreadtoher:

“There is no life, truth, intelligence, nor substance inmatter.All isinfiniteMindanditsinfinitemanifestation,forGodisAll-in-all.Spiritisimmortal Truth; matter is mortal error. Spirit is the real and eternal;matter is theunreal and temporal.Spirit isGod, andman isHis image

andlikeness.Thereforemanisnotmaterial;heisspiritual.”[7]“Mother, this iswhat I’vealwaysbelieved! Ihave finally found the

rightSundayschool.”Ihadalwaysknownthatmatterwasnotreal,thatwhatweseeisnot

thepermanentrealitywehavecomefrom.IhadalwaysknownthatGod’smind is universal intelligence and that mind is everywhere, becauseeverywhereIwentandwhateverIwasdoing, Iwas incontactwith thatmindofGod.Iknewthateverythingaroundmewas inastateofdecayand disintegration—the flowers, the trees, the grass, the animals, thepeople.Weseemateriallifeanddeathbutwedon’tseethespirituallifebeyond. I ammade in the image and likenessofGodand I had alwaysknownit,andnowsomebodywastellingmewhatIhadalwaysknown.

My mother nodded her agreement with everything I said. She hadlongsincebecomeaccustomedtomyreligiousinquiries.Isaid,“Mother,haveyoueverheardofChristianScience?Haveyoueverreadthisbook?”

Motherlookedatmeasthoughshewasabouttomakeaconfession.Themomentoftruthhadcome.Thenshesaid,“InotonlyhaveacopyofMrs.Eddy’sbook,butIalsohavetheBiblethatgoesalongwithit.”WiththatsheproceededtotellmethestoryofGodhealingmyearachethroughEvaSchofieldandthatshehadreceivedthebooksfromMrs.Oeschker.

My mouth dropped open with the realization that in all of mysearching since the ages of four and five, mymother had not toldmeabout theChristianSciencechurch.Shehadnever introducedme to thepractitionerwhohadbefriendedherinherhourofcrisis,nortothebooksthat had been placed in her hands—if not for her own learning, thenindeedformine.

***

MyloveforJesuswasgreat,andIcametoloveMaryBakerEddyasmydearestfriend.ShegavememyawarenessoftheabsoluterealityofGod-goodand theabsoluteunrealityofall that is theantithesisof thatGod-good.IlovedattendingtheSundayserviceandwisheditwasnotheldat

thesametimeasSundayschoolsothatIcouldgotoboth.IlovedtheWednesdaynightservicestoo—thescripturalreadings,the

testimonies,thepeople,whohadsuchanexpressionofunderstandingintheir eyes, an expression that I hadn’t found anywhere else in mysearchings.At last Imet peoplewho could answermy questions aboutGod and Jesus and what Jesus taught and how we could apply thatteachingtoday.

IalsometMrs.Schofield,whobecamemyspiritualmother.Myowndearmotherwouldgladlydrivemetoherhomesothatshecouldtalktomeand I toher. Iwouldcomeaway from thosemeetingswithmycupfilledwithlight,myjoyknowingnobounds,asthoughIhadtouchedthehemofReality.

Myspiritualconvictionswerestrengthened.TherootsofmyspiritualdependenceuponGodgrewdeeper.Thewindowsofheavenwereopenedtome.AndIcouldweatherthestormsthatbrokearoundme.JesusChristwastheRockofTruthandtheopendoortomyFather-MotherGod.

My contactwithMaryBaker Eddy,who,much later I learned, hadbeen embodied as Mary of Bethany, also quickened my own sense ofhavingbeenamongthedisciplesinBethanytwothousandyearsago.Mymissionwas unfolding, though all the pieces to the puzzlewere by nomeansinplace.

From that day on Iwas aChristian Scientist, and I stayedwith theChristian Science movement until the age of twenty-two, when I metMarkProphet.

JanePetherbridgeandIattendedSundayschooltogetherthroughthatsummer in1948.Thenmovingdaycameat thePetherbridgehouse.Wewatched as all their furniture and household items and clothes werepacked. The vans pulled out the nextmorning.Mother and I sawMrs.Petherbridge,Bill,DavidandJaneoffonthetraintotheirnewhomeinHalowell,Maine.Isobbeduncontrollably.Lifewouldnotbethesame.

Not until the first day of class in the tenth grade, when I metGeraldineScalone,didIhavesuchaclosefriendagain.Geraldinewasabeautifuland loyal friend.Wespentmanygood times together in thosegrowing-upyearsandleftRedBankHighandRedBankwithnoregrets.

Webothknewthatourliveswereheadedformajorchange.Andthoughwewentour separateways,wemet again inSantaBarbaramanyyearslater.

***

Finding the Christian Science Sunday school was not the end of mysearch. Though I readScience andHealth and other writings byMaryBakerEddyeverysparemoment,Iwaseagertoexperiencethereligiouslifeofmyclassmates.

OnetimesomeJewishfriendstookmetoaFridaynightserviceatthesynagogue inRedBank. Iwanted tounderstand the religious serviceoftheJews,forhadnotJesuscomeoutoftheJewishtradition?Andhadhenot preached in the synagogues?Whenwe arrived, therewas a generallook of consternation and then a hush. Then one mother asked in afriendly voice, “Betty Clare, what are you doing here this evening?” Iansweredsimply,“Oh,I’mjustvisiting.”

TheservicewasinHebrew,soofcourseIdidn’tunderstandit.ButIwouldhavelikedto,becauseIhadsuchagreatloveforthepatriarchsandprophets of the Old Testament. I would have liked to have gone toHebrewSchoolandstudiedwhattheotherchildrenwerestudying,butitwasnottobe.

In fourthgrade ImetNormaJean Ivins.She livedwithherparents,olderbrotherLouisandgrandmotherafewlongblocksaway.Ashortcutthroughmybackyardandtheconnectingdrivewaysofafewmorehousesbroughtmetoherdoorinnotime.SometimesIwouldjustridemybikethelongwayaroundwithBarryfollowingatagooddoggieclip.

The Ivins were Seventh-Day Adventists. So through them I wasintroducedtothechurchfoundedbyMrs.EllenGouldWhite.Wedrovesome distance out of town to get to the church, and for me it was anadventure.Ienjoyedthesermons,thehymns,theSundayschoolandthepeople, and I gained a background in the Bible and its literalinterpretation from Genesis through Revelation. When Grandmother

Ivins told me that one day fifty-pound hailstones would fall upon theearth,myeyesgrewaswideas saucers.GrandmaIvins taughtmea lotabout theBible.Therewasn’t a time Iwas in their home that Iwasn’tlearningsomethingaboutGod.

TheIvinswerevegetarians,soIwasintroducedtosoybeanandglutenproducts thatweremeatsubstitutes. I lovedsayinggracebeforeweate,andIlovedthefoodandwantedmymothertopreparemealsthewaytheIvins did. But my parents were not about to be converted tovegetarianism,nortosayinggrace.

WhenIstayedovernightatNormaJean’s,hermotherwouldreadtous from the Bible or from Seventh-Day Adventist Bible stories forchildren. Beforewewent to sleep,Mrs. Ivins, Norma Jean and I kneltbesidethebed.IwasthrilledtoseehowotherpeopleprayedtoJesusandtoGod and how a Christian homewas kept by devout disciples of theLord.

I also took note of their belief that the Sabbath should be kept onSaturday, in the tradition of Jewish law. From sundown Friday tosundownSaturday,activitieswerededicatedtotheLord.Happilyforme,I could attend the Seventh-DayAdventist church on Saturday and theChristianSciencechurchonSunday.

OnedayIcamehomefromchurchwiththeIvinsandIannouncedtomymotherthatIwantedtobecomeaSeventh-DayAdventist.Shesaid,“Iam glad that you are in the company of such nice people and that youhave enjoyed their services. You may continue to attend church withthemandtostudytheBiblewith them,butyoumustwaituntilyouaretwenty-one todecidewhatchurchyouwillbecomeamemberof.”Thatwastheendofthatsubject.

By the time I was twenty-one, I no longer wanted to become aSeventh-DayAdventist.But thecomfort Iderived fromfellowshipwiththese humble souls, as well as their example, will always bewithme.Their love for God and Jesus was reflected in their conversation, ineverythingtheydidandintheirsweetnesstome.AndIlearnedhowotherfamilieslivedtheirlivesinpeaceintheLord—suchacontrasttomyownhouse.

12EarningMyWay

MariaMontessoriteachesthatchildrenintheirteenageyearshaveadeepneedforindependence.Andoneofthethingsthatspellsindependenceforthem is economic independence. If you can’t go out and earn enoughmoneytofeedandclotheyourself,youfeelinsecureandacertainamountofanxiety.ThiswastrueformewhenIwasyoung,soIfoundallkindsofwaystomakemoney.Infact,IstartedlongbeforeIwasateenager.

Around theageofsevenoreight, I realized that itwasmymommyanddaddywhogavemeChristmaspresents.Iwouldhangupmystockingand my stocking would be filled, but nobody gave them Christmaspresents. Iwanted them to be able to hangup their stockings andhavethemfilledandforthemtohavepresentstoo.SoIfiguredouthowIwasgoingtodothis.

In the summer I would go into the forest to pick violets and bringthemhome.Iwouldarrangethemnicely,putthemintinfoilandthengodoor todoorselling them.Sometimes Iwoulddo thiswithNormaJeanIvins,andhermother (theSeventh-DayAdventist)wouldkneelwithusandleadusinprayerforourmission.Thedogandcatwhowentwithusalsohadtokneelinprayer,puttingtheir littlepawstogether.WewouldsayaprayertoJesustoblessourwaresandletusfindthosewhoneededwhatwehadtooffer.

IrememberthegreatleapingoftheflameinmyheartwhenIwouldcomewithmyvioletsandringthedoorbell.Peoplewouldbesogracious,andtheywouldreceivemeandtalktomeaboutmyviolets.Theywouldgiveme a quarter for a bunch. I remember the experience of theHolySpirit in that interchange. Itwas a ritual of interactionwith angels andelementals,andadistributionofjoy.

There were also people who would greet me at the door and say,“Whatareyoudoingknockingonmydoorandbotheringme?”or“Whoare you, you little kid, coming up to my house with your violets?” I

wouldwalkawaywithmyheadhanging, and then Iwouldgoandprayand askGod to helpme so that peoplewould receiveme. Itwas goodtrainingformymission.

***

All summer long and through the fall I savedmy pennies and quartersand fifty-cent pieces. I would go downtown to the five-and-ten and Iwould look for something pretty. I would buy a little vase or perhapscurlers or hairpins for my mother, or socks or handkerchiefs for myfather.IwouldhidethesegiftsintheclosetuntilIhadenoughtofillmymother’s stocking andmy father’s stocking and enoughpresents to putunderthetree.Ittookmesixmonthstodothis.

Christmas came and my mother would open her presents. But myfatherrefusedtotakehispresentsoutofhisstockingortoopenthem.Iwould beg him, “Please, Daddy, open your presents.” The day afterChristmas I would beg him, “Please, Daddy, open your presents.” Hewould gruffly refuse. Ten or fifteen days later, after the Christmascelebrationwas all over, he would finally feel so guilty that hewouldreluctantly open his presents. The next summer it would start all overagain,andthiswentonyearafteryear.

Myfatherneverboughtmeapresent.Iftherewerepresentsunderthetree, my mother had bought them with the money she earned frombabysitting.My father bought nothing forme, and hewas not about toreceive anything from me. He spent his money on his liquor and hiscigarettesandwhateverelsehespentiton.

***

Whenwewere eight, nine and ten, Norma Jean and I would go to themen’ssockfactoryonNewmanSpringsRoadandbringhomebundlesoflooperclips.Thiswordisn’tinthedictionary,butit’swhatwecalledthe

clipping from the top of the sockwhich formed a loop.Wedyed themcrimson,blue,greenandyellowandmadepotholderstosell.OnetimeIsewed a dozen potholders together to make a bathmat. We also madepincushions out of beautiful silk remnants from a tie factory and soldthemdoor-to-door.

Ourmothersshowedushowtoopenasavingsaccount,andwewouldcarefully deposit our money in the bank. Looking back on thatexperience,Iseethatitwasimportantformetomakemyownmoney,tosavemyownmoneyandtobeabletospendmyownmoney.IrememberearningasmallamountofmoneyforalargeamountofworkwhenIusedto do babysitting, which included scrubbing floors, housekeeping andmanyotherthings.

When I was sixteen, I was paid something like a dollar an hour toscrapebarnacles off thebottomof a boat—scraping and scraping thosebarnaclesforhoursonend.Afteranhour,thatdollarwasalotofmoneytome,andIwasn’tgoingtospenditonfrivolousthings.Itmeanta lotbecauseIworkedhardforit.

13TheDemonsofAlcohol

According to today’s thinking, I would be called an adult child of analcoholic. But in those days, I didn’t know that my father would beconsideredanalcoholic.Itneverwouldhaveoccurredtome.Ithoughtanalcoholicwas somebodywho drank all the time andwas drunk all thetime.ButIdidknowthatmyfatherhadaseriousdrinkingproblemandwasofteninebriatedintheevenings.Inretrospect,Iwasan“adultchild”fromthedayIwasborn.

In time it becameclear tome that itwashis drinkingproblem thatmade him engage in the verbal abuse ofmymother. He had a violenttemper,andwhenheyelledhecouldbeheardbyneighborsonallsides,muchtomymortification.Althoughhisangerwasalmostneverdirectedagainstme, I took personally the insults he hurled atmymother. Thiswent on all of our lives, but Iwas less aware of it as a child, perhapsbecauseIspentsomuchtimeinthehomeofmyGreekneighbors.

My father was a great guywhen hewas sober, but that was in themorning,atnoontimeandintheafternoon.Mostnightswereanightmare,unless he came home early to work in the garden or we worked onprojectstogetheraroundthehouse.

Except for those occasions, I didn’t see much of my father in thehours of his sobriety, because he got up early to go to work at hisboatyard.Whenhewassober,Ifoundanintelligent,reasoning,kindandconcerned parent, someone it was fun to be around. Later in the day,though, his other self, the drunken self, would emerge. Then he was acompositeofhimselfandhisdeep levelsofanger,alongwithwhateverdemonswereunleashedthroughthatanger.Whenhehadhadjustafewdrinks,hewassoemotionallyunstablethatheeasily tookoffensewhennooffensewasintended.

Daddywasfivefoottenorfivefootelevenandneverweighedmorethan140pounds.Hewaswiryandallmuscle.Hehadblondhair,brown

eyesanddeeplinesonhisface.Strikinglyhandsomeinhisyouth,hewasa ladies’man all his life. In earlier years hewore awhite shirtwith ablacktie,khakipants,hiswhitecaptain’shatandapeajacket.Theoutfitnever varied. It was his uniform, and everyone called him “Cap” or“Cap’nWulf.”

Although hewas a genius at building yachts thatwere admired theworld around,my fatherwas not a businessman.After thewar hewasburdenedby a combinationof postwar depression, poor business sense,undercapitalizationandalackofadvertisingdollars.Buthisdrinkingwastheoverridingcauseofhisdownfall.Asteadystreamofcashwasgoingdown thedrain as he entertainedprospectivebuyers (always a drinkingcrowd)atthelocalyachtclubsorattheSilverBar,justupthealleyfromhisoffice.HisroutinewasbeerandajiggerofScotch(forhimavolatilecombination),andanother,andanother.

Bytheearly1950s,hecouldn’tholdontohisbusinessandwasforcedtosellout tohiscompetitors.After that,herepairedboats.Heworethesamekhakipantsandpeajacketwiththesameblacktie,butnowitwasakhakishirt, insteadofawhiteshirt,andkhakicaptain’scap—perhapsasymbolofhisself-demotion.

AsIwatchedhimovertheyears,Icametorealizethatlittlebylittlethe alcoholwas destroying his reasoning faculties—his ability to thinkclearly and logically and tomakedecisions. I saw aman, a husband, afather,amother,amarriageandahomedestroyedbyalcohol.

It broke my heart, but not all at once. For as I witnessed this foreighteen years, something inside of me died a little each day. Thehopelessnessthatthingswouldneverchange,theexpectationsthatwouldneverberealized,thepromisesthatwouldneverbekept.

ButIalsobearwitnessthatsomethingwasreborninmeeachday—thehope,thefaith,thecharityofJesusChrist.ThelessonbroughthometomeeachdaywasthatImustputmytrustinGod,notman.ThenonedayasIponderedthedependablegoodnessofGodandtheundependablegoodness of man, I realized that again God was teaching me the FirstCommandment.Andheexpectedmetounderstanditandobeyit:“Thoushalthavenoothergodsbeforeme.”[8]

ThismeantthatImustnotmakeanidol,goodorbad,ofmyparents,myselforanyoneelse.ImustrecognizethegoodinallpeopleasGod’sandtheevilasamisguidedexpressionoffreewill.Imustexaltthegoodineveryoneandshuntheevil.AndJesus’wordsrangtrue:“Nomancanservetwomasters:foreitherhewillhatetheone,andlovetheother;orelsehewillholdtotheone,anddespisetheother.YecannotserveGodandmammon.”[9]

***

Theonlythingcertainaboutanalcoholicistheuncertainty.IneverknewwhatstateDaddywouldbeinwhenhecamehome.ButIcouldtellbythewaythecarsoundedinthedrivewaywhetherhewasincontrol.

Ifhehadalreadyhadone toomany,hewouldhit thebumpsharderandtheoldBuickwouldbounceabitbeforecomingtoastopjustinfrontof thegaragedoors thathehadembellishedwith leadedglasswindows.Hisfootstepsonthebackstepsandthewaythedoorslammedwouldtellthe rest. This would happen anytime between five o’clock and nineo’clock. I never knew, but I was tensed for the moment whenever itwouldcome.

Hewouldhanguphispeajacketandcaptain’shatonthehookinthehallandsitdownat theheadof thekitchen table.Motheralwayshadameal ready by five o’clock, and shewould heat it upwhenever he gothome. Daddy ate like a bird, so with or without food, he had little tocushiontheeffectsofthealcohol.

Eachevening Iwouldsitat the table, inbetweenFatherat theheadandMotheroppositehim,nearthestove.Acrossfromme,wheremytoychestusedtobe,Daddyhadputinalargepicturewindowsowecouldseethelawnandgardenwhileweate.Ihadthebestview.DaddyhadbuiltanintricateBavarianbirdhouseandfeedingstationthatwecouldpulluptothebackstepstoreplenishwithscrapsandtoclean.Redgeraniumsgrewin window boxes. A cuckoo clock and souvenirs of Germany andSwitzerlandhungonthewall.Itwasahomeyatmosphere.

Hehadalsoinstalledinfrontofthewindowawoodenstandforfivelargetropicalfishtanksandonesmallertank—twoforty-gallontanksonthebottomshelf, twoon the top shelfwith the smallerone inbetween,andafifthlargetankonanotherlowshelfnexttoit.RaisingtropicalfishofeverykindhadbecomeahobbyDaddyandIshared.Theplantsinthetanksgrewluxuriouslybecauseheplantedtheminalayeroffertilesoilonthebottomofeachtankandthenaddedathicklayerofgravelontop.Friendsandacquaintanceswouldcomefrommilesaroundtoadmirehisgardenandhistropicalfish,justastheyadmiredhisboatsandhisskillinremodelingthehouse.

Heneededpraiseandappreciation,soMothergaveitconstantlyandtoldmetodothesame.ShetoldmehehadbuiltahouseforhisparentsinElmshorn on one of his trips home fromVenezuela and his father hadneveracknowledgeditor thankedhim.Sheexcusedhisbehavioron thebasis that he had had a hard lifewith his stern Prussian father. I havewonderedifhewasalsoanadultchildofanalcoholic.

Often my mother would beg my father not to have another drinkbeforedinner.Hewouldignoreher,andthebeerandschnappswouldtakeitstollbeforemyeyes.Ineversaidaword,butsatinpalesilenceeatingmy food. Steadily the Daddy I loved would recede, and sentimentalityandmelancholy would take over. This preceded the foul language, thecursing,thecondemningofMommyfornotbeingagoodwife.Muchofthefusscenteredaroundthefoodnotbeingright—acombinationofmyfather’stastebudsbeingdesensitizedbyalcoholandthemealsittingonthestoveforhours.

OneparticularnightwhenIwas twelveor thirteenstandsout inmymemory.Itstartedoutasanightlikeallothernights.Themealendedinunpleasantness, yelling and accusations.Thenmy father left, slammingthat old kitchen door as he did every night, until one day one of theboardsfinallysplitintwo.Hewenttothelibraryandsatdowninhisredleather chair, where he would usually fall asleep watching TV. It wasoverforthatnight.Orsowethought.

Meanwhile,MotherandIwerelingeringatthetablewithsmalltalk.AllatonceDaddycameto thedoor toyellatusanotherroundbecause

“thetwoofyouaretalkingaboutmebehindmyback.”Motherprotestedthatwe had not been talking about him at all (whichwas true), but hewould have none of it. In a moment’s pause, his mind changed gears.Then a wild, purposed look overtook him. Calmly, deliberately, hewalked tooneof the large fish tanks andkicked it.Theglass shatteredand forty gallons of water rushed out, fish and all, as he calmly,deliberatelywalkedout.

InstantlyIwasgalvanized.Igrabbedeveryavailablepot,pan,bucketandpail.Ihadtosavethepreciousfishthatwerenowfloppingalloverthe kitchen floor.Mother and I worked as a team.As soon as I had abucket of fish, I ran outside in the dark fifteen or twenty yards to ourgoldfishpond,dumped them in, ranback to thekitchen,gatheredmorefish, ran back down, dumped them in. This was repeated four or fivetimes till I could find no more fish. Then the mop-up began—fortygallonsofwaterplusdirtandgravel.HowlongthistookIdon’tknow.Iwasinatimewarp—stunnedbytheviolence,frantictosavethefish.

Whenitwasover,mymotherandIcollapsedintoourchairsinsilentshock.My father’s energy (or thenegative force thatusedhim)was sointensethatitsuppressedanyfeelingswemighthavehad.Nomorethanfiveminuteshadpassedwhenheburstthroughthekitchendooragain.Itwas a replay. Calmly, deliberately, crazed, he walked to the next tankand, “OmyGod!” he kicked it in. The glass shattered and again fortygallonsofwaterrushedout,fishandall.Calmly,deliberately,hewalkedout.Itwassheermadness.

Wemovedintoaction.MotherandIscoopedupallthefishwecouldfind into a pail ofwater, and I ran down to the goldfish pond, dumpedthemin,cameback,scoopedup,randown,dumpedthemin,etcetera,etcetera.Thenwemoppedup.Againwefellintoourchairs.Numb.

Athirdtimethedooropened.NowIwaswatchingthesceneinslowmotion.MymindcouldnotbelievewhatIwasseeing.Myfatherwalkedovertothethirdtankasifprogrammed,kickeditinandwalkedout.Thethree-ringcircuswason.Bythistimeweknewouract.Ourperformancewasflawless.Andthistimeitwasreallyover.

Daddysaunteredoff tobed,weavinghiswayup the steepstaircase,

and the time-space warp we had been in closed. It was so unreal, asthoughithadneverhappened.Butitdid.

Themorning after the fish-tank ordeal, I didn’t seeDaddy.Mothersaidhehadnorecallofwhathehaddone.Hisprizecollectionofrarefishandplantswasgone,muchtohissorrow.Butheneverapologizedforthetorment he had put us through.We just picked up fromwherewe hadbeen. Iwent to school, he towork andMother resumed her householdduties.

14HomeLife

InmyearlieryearsIhadnowheretorunto,nowheretohide.IknewIwashere tostayuntilGodshoulddelivermeofmyassignmentat43SouthStreet.ButthedayIlearnedtoridemybikeIhadanewfreedom.Irodeallovertownandoutintothecountry.MybikeridinggavemethespaceIneededtothinkthingsthroughandputsomedistancebetweenmeandthe troublesome situation at home. I had to figure outwho Iwas apartfrommyparents’world.

I was not the object of my father’s outbursts. They were alwaysdirectedatmypitifulmother,whowouldplead,“Hans,pleasestop.”Butheneverdid.Neitherhenorthedemonsofalcoholrespectedher.Andasa silentwitness, Iwas also a victim.His invectives grazedme as theywhizzedby.Hisangerknockedmeoutemotionally.Iwouldblackoutahalfdozentimesduringanightlyordeal.Oncehistiradestarted,nobodywouldmoveinanydirection,includingBarry,lesthispassionsbefueled.

One summer’s night when I was in another part of the house as itstarted,IslippedawayandrodemybikeafewmilestowardFairHavento be at peace and contemplate what life would be like in a “normal”home.

But what was normal? I had no standard by which to measurenormalcy.Nextdoor,Mr.Morrisneveryelledatall.HewaslikeasweetGreekBuddha.Mrs.MorriswouldgetexcitedandgoafteroneormoreofthefivechildreninaflurryofGreekthatwouldsendthemrunningtodowhattheyweresupposedtobedoing.ButinherIneverfelttheintensityof anger that I did frommy father at those mealtime scenes.And theMorrisesdidn’tdrink.

WhenDaddywouldtakemetotheSilverBarortotheyachtclubandorderacokeforme,everybodywouldbedrinking.Ifwestayedtoolong,they would get louder and louder and happier and happier, until thesentimental singing and the melancholy set in. And that could be

followed by somebody getting nasty or insulting and somebody elsehaving to be escorted or carried out. I had witnessed my father beingdrivenhome(andmewithhim)bymoresoberbuddieswhorefusedtolethimdrive.

WhenIwentbabysittingandthecouplecamehomelate,thehusband,whowoulddrivemehome,hadoftenhadafewtoomany.Whendrivingwiththesehusbandsormyfather,Imadeitahabitofaffirming“Godisdriving this car” as they sped around curves and ran lights.The scenesrepeatedagainandagain.

Onthatbikeride, theoneandonly timeIabsentedmyself fromthenightlyscene,Isawthattherewasnowhereelseformetobebuthome,suchas itwas,untilGod shouldchoose to liftmeoutof it andputmesomewhereelse. Itwasmyduty tobe there.Hehadputme there for areason,andIwouldnotleavemyfatherormymotheruntilIhadfulfilledmy reason for being there. Maybe by being there I could bring somelightness,somehappinesstotheirhearts.

So I rodebackhomeas itwasgettingdarkand resumedmypart inthisplayandinterplayoflightanddarkness.Wasitamelodrama?Wasita tragedy?Was it a comedy of errors? I didn’t know.Because Iwas aplayercaughtinthemiddleofeachact.

But this Ididknow.Ihad toberesponsible.When theywerenot incontrolof themselvesorcircumstances, Ihad tobe incontrol.Forwhoelsecouldbe?Imustkeepthetrust.

***

IturnedtoGod,toJesus,totheBibleandScienceandHealthandtothebeautiesofGodinnature,whereIalwaysfoundpeaceandstrength.Fromprayer and the affirmation of Truth and the laws of God underpinningeveryhouroftheday,Idrewuponareservoiroflightandjoythatneverfailedme. Itwas thewellspring fromonhigh.TheComforterwaswithme.

From dearMrs. Schofield and dear Sunday school teachers such as

Mr.Willard,Mrs. Gorsuch andMr. Ernest Ruh, aswell as theweeklyLesson-Sermon that I read and studied as often as I could, I learned toapply impersonal principles of God’s laws to personal day-to-dayproblems.At theWednesdaynighthealingservices, Iheard testimoniesof Christian Science healing. I believed in God’s healing power and IprayedthathewouldmakemeaninstrumentofthatpowerwhenIgrewup.

Much ofmy comfort came from the hymnswritten byMaryBakerEddy.Ilovedtosingthemandplaythemonthepiano.Ilovedthemall,butonecomestomind:

Shepherd,showmehowtogoO’erthehillsidesteep,Howtogather,howtosow,—HowtofeedThysheep;IwilllistenforThyvoice,Lestmyfootstepsstray;IwillfollowandrejoiceAlltheruggedway.[10]

***

InthemidstofseekingandtrulyfindingGod,Isawmymother’sspiritbrokendaybyday,alittleatatime.Mymotherhadagreatdealoffearallofherlife.Herfearofmyfatherwasall-consuming.Asaresult,herliferevolvedaroundhim.

Twentyyearsbeforeshepassedon,sheconfidedinmethatshewasafraid to die. I could hardly believe that the one who had told me ofreincarnationandthecontinuityof thesoulfearedherowndeath.I toldhershehadnothingtobeafraidof,butshetrulyneededJesusandSaintMichaeltheArchangel,aswealldo,totakeheracrosstheastralsea.[11]I urged her to pray to them and go to the church of her choice, sinceChristianSciencewasnotforher.ItwasthenthatIrealizedthatwithout

Godinthecenterofherlife,shewasalsoafraidtolive.AndwithoutGod,shesurelydidnothavethepowertochallengetheforcethatpreyeduponherthroughherhusband.

The house was dominated by my mother’s fear and my father’simpendinganger.Ineverknewwhenorforwhatunimaginablereasonthenextexplosionwouldtakeplace,orthenext,orthenext.Theirangerandfear were in polarity, aggressive and passive—and always there justbeneaththesurface,waitingtobeignited.

They never considered marriage counseling.And as for therapy, itwas unheard of. Theywere stuck in their own responsemechanisms toeachother,asthesamescenesplayedthemselvesoutdayafterday,yearafteryear.

The saddestpartof allwas thatneitherparenthada real and livingrelationshipwithGodor JesusChrist.They seemedmore fatalistic andsuperstitious than truly spiritual. I saw thiswhenDaddy taughtme thelawofkarmaashehadgleaneditfromhisownlife.Cigaretteinhandandinasober,passivemood,hewouldsay,“BettyClare,itallcomesbacktoyou.Itallcomesbacktoyou.”Insteadofseeingthislawofthecircleasopportunity for resolution, regeneration and resurrection, he viewed itpessimistically, almost like a doctrine of final ends wherein God’sjudgment,nothismercy,wastheonlyout.

Whereismercy?Forgiveusourdebtsaswe forgiveourdebtors.AsHansdidnotextendmercytoFridy,wouldGodextendmercytohim?AsFridydidnotextendmercytoHans,wouldGodforgiveher?

Idon’tknow.BecauseGodhasfreewill—thesamefreewillhegavetohissonsanddaughterswiththefirstphotonoflightandthefirstbreathof life.Hemaychoose tobindhimselfbyhis lawor tobend it.Buthewillnotbreakit.ForheisbothLawandLawgiver.“Evenso,LordGodAlmighty, trueandrighteousare thy judgments,” trueandrighteousarethyjudgments.[12]

My father was not necessarily humbled by his discovery of God’slaw. Ihadseenhimdefy that lawas thegodsdefy theFates.Whenhisdoctortoldhimthatifhedidn’tstopsmokinghewoulddieinthreeyears,hesaidtome,withthatlookinhiseyethatmademeshudder:“Likeh—

I’llstopsmoking.Overmydeadbody!”Andthreeyearslater,onwintersolstice1984,hedied, smokinganddrinking to theend.Howsad.Howsad.Andtheriveroftearsthatneverflowedfrommyeyesatthekitchentablenowflowed—notformeandnotforhim,butforthemanyhehadinjuredwithhisfury,andprincipallymydearmother.

***

What takes over the mind in the night side under the influence ofalcohol?AfterobservingHansWulfforeighteenyears,thereisnodoubtin my mind that possessing demons take over the mind and emotionswhen the blood alcohol content creates its chemical imbalance in thebody.And I believe thatmy fatherwas tormented by these demons asmuchasmymotherandIwere.

Is an alcoholic responsible forwhat he does under the influence ofalcohol?Indeedheis.Heisresponsiblefortakingthefirstdrink.Canhehelphimself?Onlyifheiswillingtosaydietothedemonswho“mademedoit”andtoaskGodforhelpwhenhecannothelphimself.Untilthatday,thekarmaforbrokenlivesandbrokenspiritskeepspilingup.

My mother would be called a “codependent,” the term applied tosomeone who passively accommodates the aggressive behavior of thealcoholic. Is the codependent, in this case thewife, responsible for theactionsof thealcoholic?She is responsiblefornotseekingprofessionalhelpforherselfandherhusbandandfornotjustplainrefusingtotoleratethestateofaffairsanylonger, includingthevictimizingof thechild.Inthissituationtherearedemonsoffear,atraumatizingfear,thatparalyzeall bystanders caught in the net of the demons of alcohol. There is noexcuseforanyadulttostandbywhileanalcoholicengagesinthenightlyassaultofthesoulofachildoranyone.

What is lost in suchcases is thechild’s right tobea child, and thebaby’s right to be a baby. The adult child of an alcoholic has to go insearchof thebabyheorshewasnotallowedtobe, thechild thatneverwas a child. To retrieve the lost parts of the self may take years or a

lifetimeorlonger.Instead of confronting my father directly when he was sober, my

motherdealtwithhis tiradesbytalkingitoutonthetelephonewithherfriendAgnes Schwenker themorning after. She spoke disparagingly ofhim tome, gossiped about him, and instructedme about how I shouldbehaveinordertoappeasehimandavoidconflict.

The balance to all of the problems brought on by my father’salcoholismwastheworkethic.Ourfamilyworkedhardandoftenworkedtogetheron remodelingorpainting thehouse. Iwasmyfather’shelper,andIlearnedalotaboutcarpentry,painting,plumbing,wallpaperingandexteriorremodeling.Whenweputaknottypinerecreationroomandbarinthebasement,Istrippedthebarkfromthewoodandhadapartineachphaseofthejob.Myparentsheldanopenhousewhenitwasallfinishedandlotsofpeoplecametoseeit.

Togetherwe tended the garden, gathered fruits and berries tomakejamsandjellies,cannedproduce,andpreservedtheharvestofourgardenforwinter.Myfatherwasagoodcook(hehadactuallytaughtmymotherhowtocook),soonceinawhilewepreparedmealstogether.Myfatherwassodiligentinhisdutytodoaday’sworkthathisveryworkhabitssetapatternofstabilitywithinanunstablesituation.

I delighted in working on the yard, mowing the lawn, raking theleavesandshovelingsnowaswellasinkeepingthehouseclean.IlearnedhowtocleanhousealmostprofessionallyfromAngieandElviraMorris.Once aweek Iwould go through the house from top to bottom—dust-mopping,washingfloors,vacuuming,dustingandpolishingfurnitureandperiodically cleaning the windows inside and out. Since I was an onlychild andmymother didn’t like housekeeping, these chores fell tomeandIwashappytodothem.

My respect for and devotion tomy parentswas absolute.Whateverthey asked me to do, I obeyed. I honored them no matter what, and Iloved both of them dearly. When Christmas or their birthdaysapproached, I made them presents or bought them gifts with pennies,nickels, dimes and quarters I had earned in selling my handmade potholdersorvioletsIhadpickedinthenearbywoods.

During the storms of my parents’ relationship, I always remainedsilent,eventhoughIcouldn’tseparatemyselffromthem.Icouldnotcry,butmyheart cried.My father’s anger suppressed all other emotionmymother or I could express. I think that a part of my child self wasdepressedandunexpressedmostofthetime,evenwhileanotherpartwasincommunionwithGod.Longafterthetiradewasover,wewouldsitinsilence,thenslowlybegintopickupthebrokenchina,bringordertothekitchen,perhapsfinishourmeal,dothedishesandgoonliving—Itomyhomeworkor,inlateryears,tobabysittingjobs;mothertohersewingorknitting.

***

Theproblemsathomewerereflectedatschoolinmyrelationshipswithotherchildren.Ididn’thaverolemodelstoteachmewhatwasnormalorabnormal in a social situation. Because I perceived myself as beingresponsible formy father andmother and for their problems, I carriedthissenseofresponsibilitytomyclassroom.

Janehadsimilarburdenstobear.Atanearlyageshehadtograpplewith her own mother’s problems with her father and the divorce thatfollowed.Webothsawhermothercryoften,andshetolduswhy.Sowewere both responsible “little women.”And as the smartest kids in theclass,wealsobecameourteacher’spets,whichdidn’thelpmatterswithourclassmates.

Mygrammar school teachers said Iwasmature, responsible,bright,serious. These qualities in me reflected both their presence and theirabsence in my home life. My parents were serious in shouldering theresponsibilitiesoftheirhomeandbusinessandofrearingme.Theywereintelligent andhardworkingandhada richheritageofbeing self-made,seeing the world and mixing with all strata of society. They had aninternationalconsciousness,werebroad-minded,andmademeawareofwhatwasgoingonintheworldinmyearliestyears.

Butwhenitcametotheproblemsbetweenthem,neitheroneseemed

capable or desirous of changing.They seemed totally preoccupiedwiththeirkarmicrelationship.Andanysensitivitytheymighthavehadtothepaintheirargumentswereplacinguponmewasnotenoughtocausethemtochange.

Inmanyareasoftheirlives,myparentsdemonstratedthelawthatlifeisproblemsolving,thatlifeissuffering,andthatwhenwehaveproblemsandwhenwesuffer,wesummonourforces,useouringenuityandsolvethoseproblems.Myfatherandmotherwerebothcreativeandinventive.Iftherewasajobtodo,theyfiguredoutthebestwaytodoit.Theywouldassess a situation, figure out what was possible and what was notpossible, what was within their means and what wasn’t, come up withviablealternatives,select thebestandmakeithappen.What theyneverquite figured outwas their relationship toGod, to JesusChrist or theirspiritualpath.

Myfather’sviolent temperanddrinkingproblemwasanon-subject,except formymother’spleadings,whichwerepowerless tobringaboutchange.Myparentswouldfightopenlyinfrontofme.Eachwouldspeaktomedisparaginglyoftheotherinhisorherabsence.Mymotherwasbyfartheworstatthis.Shealsospenthoursonthephonetellingfriendsandneighborsaboutmyfather.Shewouldcondemnhimbehindhisbackandatthesametimepraisehimtohisfaceandtofriendsandneighborswhenshewasproudofhisaccomplishments.Shefearedandrespectedhimandwastiedtohiminalove-haterelationshipthatmychildmindcouldnotcomprehend.

Shemademeaparty tobusinessburdens, financialburdensandmyfather’saffairswithotherwomen.Itwasasthoughtherolesofparentandchildwereswitched.Sheputmeinthepositionofbeingherparent,herteacher, her confidante. I had theworld onmy shoulders.And the ideathatmyseeminglypoorsaintlymotherhadtoendureallthatshedidformysakedidnotescapeme.

From birth to age eighteen, I witnessed the almost daily clashesbetweenmyfatherandmother.Itseemedendless.Icouldspeakofthesegoings-on to no one. I was ashamed of my father. I wondered if theneighbors on either side of us could hear his yelling, and Iwas always

embarrassedtowalkoutofthehouseincasetheyhad.Iwasashamedofmymother,too,fornotdealingwiththeproblembydirectlyconfrontingit.

It just went on and on, year in, year out—my father’s anger, mymother’sfear.Yet,shewastheonewhosooftenquotedtomethewordsofFranklinD.Rooseveltthathadgalvanizedanation:“Theonlythingwehavetofearisfearitself.”

SinceIsawmyselfasthecauseofalloftheirproblems(muchlater,Ilearned that this is the psychological posture of most children ofalcoholics), I thought that there would never be a resolution until Igraduatedfromhighschoolandpermanentlylefthome.Ilookedforwardto the daywhen Iwouldgoout tomakemyway in theworld, therebyliberating bothmyself andmy parents. Then we couldmake decisionsthatnoneofuscouldmakewhileweweretogetherunderoneroofat43SouthStreet.

15Friends

InJuneof1952,MothertookmetoMainetovisitJanePetherbridgeandher family.We rode theGreyhound fromRedBank toAugusta,Maine,and it was unbearably hot on the bus. But the reunion with Jane wasjoyous. Itwas refreshing tomeet her friends, school chumsand churchacquaintances. We renewed our ties, though we had never stoppedwriting.

Mymother’sgreatjoyingoingonthistripwithmewastwofold.Shewasabletogetawayfrommyfatherforawhileandfromwashingdishesandlookingafterhim.AndshealsowantedtoshowmethehistoricsitesfromRedBanktoAugusta.

I had never been out of the area where I lived except to go toSwitzerlandwhenIwassevenandoneyearwhenIwenttotheCatskills.So taking a trip toNewEnglandwas like discovering theworld. Iwastotallyenthralledbyitall.

Formethehighlightof the tripwastouringBoston.Wewent to thestatecapitol,withitsgoldendome,FaneuilHallandthehistoricalsitesofBoston.Mymotherwasahistorybuff,soIgotatasteofthehistoryfromherandfromtheguidesonthetours.WealsotookabustoMarbleheadandwenttotheWaysideInn,whichLongfellowhadfrequented,andsawtheLongfellowhouseinCambridge.

Since I was already a student of Christian Science, we visited theMotherChurch,whichalsohada largedome,andtheChristianSciencePublishing Society. At theChristian Science Monitor,we saw hownewspapersweremade.Andwevisited the first little church thatMaryBakerEddybuilt,thenalargerchurchshebuiltlater.

Through her writings and the hymns she wrote, which I played inSundayschool,IhadlearnedtoloveMaryBakerEddy.NowIwasseeingwhat she had done, the fruit of her life. After she built the first twochurches, she started printing theChristian Science Journal and the

ChristianScienceSentinel.Thenshegaveherboardofdirectorstheordertofoundaninternationaldailynewspaper,andthepublishingsocietywasborn.

IhadbeenattendingSundayschoolinthegarageofalittlehouseinRedBank.ItwasathrillformetorealizethatIhadaconnectiontothisbig church and this imposingbuilding. Itmademe feel Iwas apart ofsomethingthatwentbeyondRedBank.

Ihadavisionofthischurchanditsteachinggoingaroundtheworld.My visionwas thatMary Baker Eddy’s books and teachings would beeverywhereintheworldandthatIhadsomeroletoplayinmakingthishappen.

***

Thenextsummer,IvisitedJaneagain,thistimewithoutmymother,andspentthesummerwithherinMaine.Wehadgreattimesatacabinonalake, went swimming and toured Augusta, the state capital. The nextsummer Jane came toRedBank for amonth andwe spent part of ourvacation on Long Beach Island. My father was building a marina andbeachclubnearBeachHaven,atthesouthernmosttipoftheisland.

Jane’sfamilybecameinvolvedintheMethodistchurchinHalowell.It was there she would meet her husband, Clifton Ives, a Methodistminister’s son who followed in his father’s footsteps. I attended theirwedding,amosthappyoccasion.Inlateryears,IsharedwithhersomeofthespiritualteachingsIhadfound.ButCliff, thoughhewasaniceguy,couldnotacceptthem.AndIacceptedthatherlifefullyrevolvedaroundhimandtheirchurchworktogether.

Like Jane, I also married a minister and went the way of myhusband’scalling.Inasense,then,ourlivesranonparallelpaths,bothofuschoosingtoministertothosewhoneedspiritualguidanceandloveandadeeperunderstandingofthepathofourLord.IamgratefultoGodforthisfriendshipandforallithasmeanttomeovertheyears,trulythejoyof my childhood.What a beautiful thing it is for children to establish

lifelongtiesthatoutlastmundaneevents.Myheartissurethatthissoultiewillendurebeyondthislife,evenasitpreexistedit.

I remember a card Jane sent me during the long years of ourfriendship.ItwasaquotefromShakespeare:“ButifthewhileIthinkonthee, dear friend, all losses are restored and sorrows end.”[13] Mysentimentsarethesame.

***

JaneandIhadbeensolidbuddieswhileshewasinRedBank.Buteventhen therewas a clique of girls in grammar schoolwho tried to pry usapart,togetateitheroneofus.WhenJaneleft,Iwasfairgame.Itmusthavebeensomekarmafromapreviouslifethatthesegirlsmovedagainstmeeverychancetheygot.

Oneofthethingsthatburdenedmyrelationshipwiththesegirlshadtodowithbirthdayparties.Somewherearoundfourthorfifthgrade,mymothersaidtome,“Icannotaffordtobuygiftsforthesegirlsthroughtheyearwhentheirpartiescomeup.SoI’mnotgoingtoallowyoutoattendthese birthday parties.” When the next party came along, I declined.People thought I justmissed it because Iwas ill or something. Then Ideclined the next one, and the next one. I remember some of the girlssaying,“Well,ifyou’renotgoingtocometoourparties,we’renotgoingto come to yours.”After that I never had another birthday party again,andIfeltlikeasocialoutcastasaresultofit.

One of the most painful situations I remember happened aroundseventh grade. A group of girls were forming a club, and we weremeetingattheapartmentofoneofthegirls.Alltheothergirlssaidtheywantedtoblackballaparticulargirl.Theygotmeinaroomandpoundedonme and said, “You have to blackball her.You have to do this. Sheshouldn’tbeinthisclub.”Ikeptonprotestingandsaying,“Shehasdonenothingwrong.Whyshouldshebeblackballed?”

IntheendIgaveintotheirpressureandsaid,“OK.We’llblackballher.”Assoonas Igave in, everybody turnedonmeandsaid, “Because

youvotedtoblackballher,we’reblackballingyouandyou’rekickedoutoftheclub.”Thewholegroupkickedmeout,andIwalkedhomealone,inalotofpain.Icouldn’tinanywayarticulatemygrief.Iwasjustsilent.Icouldn’t tellmy friendsaboutmyproblemsathomeand Icouldn’t tellmyfatherandmotheraboutmyproblemsatschool.Thisgroupofgirlscontinued their cruel jokesand silent scorn throughoutgrammar schoolandhighschool.

***

Therewasanothergroupofkidswhowereayearaheadofmeinschool.Theywereintelligent,collegebound,andIlikedthemalot.Ihadknownsomeofthemsincechildhood.Atonepointinhighschool,theywrotemea letter and said that they had seen how the kids inmy own class hadtreatedmeandtheywantedtoinvitemetobeapartoftheirgroup.

Oneoftheboysfromthatgroupinvitedmetogotoadance.Iwentwithhim,andotherkidsfromthisgroupwenttothedancetoo,andIhadthetimeofmylifethere.However,subsequenttothat,Ididn’ttakethemupontheirinvitationtobeapartoftheircrowd.Therewassomekindofpalloverme,oraweight. Iwasburdenedbymyhousehold situation. Iwasburdenedby thegirls inmyschool excludingme from their socialeventsand theirparticularclique. Itseemedthat if Icouldn’tbe in thatclique,Ifelttotallydefeated.

Theseotherkidswhowereayearaheadofmewerealotoffun.Theywould have been an inspiration to me for getting into college. NotacceptingtheirinvitationwasoneofthedecisionsinmylifethatIshouldnothavemade.Ishouldhavemadethedecisiontojointhemandhavefunwiththem,asIeasilycouldhave.

Iwouldhavebeenintheirclassinschool,exceptthatmymotherhadachoicetoeitherputmeinschoolwithotherfour-year-oldsortoputmeinschoolayearlater.Shedecideditwasbetterformetobeathomewithheranotheryear.Althoughthiswasdifficultforme,apparentlyshemadethe right decision, because I met the people of my karma. And for

whateverImayhavedonetotheminapastlife,Icallforforgiveness.

16BlackingOut

When I was in the third grade, I was in a Christmas play. We hadrehearsed for many weeks. Our parents, teachers and the entire schoolwerepresent.When itcame timeforme tosaymylines,whichIknewwell, all of a sudden I blacked out. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty secondspassed, maybe more. I don’t know because I wasn’t there. It was asthoughsomeonehadshutofftheswitch.Ihadnoconsciousness,noself-awareness.

Thenjustaseasily,Iwasbackagain,asifsomeonehadturnedontheswitch.Bythistimetheplayhadgoneonwithoutme.Ididn’tunderstandwhat had happened. I couldn’t explain it tomy teachers, classmates orparents.Unbeknownsttomeorthem,thiswasthebeginningofalifelongoccurrence that would come upon me anytime, anywhere withoutwarning.

Classmatesmadefunofme.SometeachersthoughtIwasfaking.Oneteacherinparticularwasdeterminedto“shakethedevilout”ofme.AsIwouldreenterthisplaneofawarenessafter“blackingout,”Iwouldfindher holdingme bymy shoulders and shakingme as hard as she could,whiletheclasslookedon.

Theboysnicknamedme“Spellbound,”andmyparentsand Ihad tocometogripswithadailyrealitythatmystifiedallofus.MymothertookmetoadoctorattheNewYorkMedicalCenter.Atthattimetheycalledmy condition petit mal epilepsy. Today these are known as absenceseizures.Theygavememedication.Ifeltdruggedanddidn’tfeelnormalwhenItookit,sowithinaweekItoldmyparentsIwasn’tgoingtotakeit.Noothermedicalattentionwasgiventothematter.

***

Within the year that these lapses began, I had a serious accident that

came about as a result of one of them.Mother had sentme outside tohangupthesheets,towelsandDaddy’spantsandshirtsontheclotheslinetodry.Insteadoffinishingthejob,Istartedplayingwithmydog,Barry.Iusedtorunupanddownthecellardoors thatslantedagainst thehouse.Theywerethekindthatopenedinthemiddleandcoveredastairwaythatledtoabasementwhichwasalmostentirelyunderground.To“beautify”thehouse,myfatherhadrecentlyinstalledhalf-inch-thickglassportholesfromoneofhisboats.

OnthatdaywhenIranupthecellardoors,IputmyleftlegthroughoneoftheportholeswhileholdingBarryinmyarms.Irememberhearingtheglasscrackandmyfootbeginning tosink.Thenext thingIknew, Icame out of a lapse in consciousness to find that my leg had fallenthroughalmosttothecrotchandIhadpulleditout.Thus,Iwasbadlycutin both directions. My entire left leg was covered with blood. In themiddleofallofthisBarryhadjumpedfrommyarms.Iwenttolookforaneighborormymothertohelpme.

Instead of applying pressure to stop the bleeding or calling anambulance,mymother calledmy father,whowas out on the river.Hefinally sent one of his workmen, who drove up in what looked like aModel-T Ford. They satme in it and droveme to RiverviewHospital.WhenIfinallygottotheemergencyroom,Iheardthedoctorssayingtooneanother,“Wemayhavetoamputateherleg.”Icalmlyspoketothemandsaid,“God isgoing tohealmy leg.”As theyweresewingmeup—some sixty stitches all told—they repeated this prediction a number oftimes, “We may have to amputate her leg.” Each time they said it, Ireplied,“Godisgoingtohealmyleg.”

Motherwas annoyed atme, andwhenmy father finally arrived, hewasupset.ThelastthingIheardthedoctorssaytomyparentswas,“Herlegmaynevergrow.”AgainIaffirmed,“Godwillhealmyleg.”AfterIwasreleasedfromthehospital,myfathertookmehomeandlaidmeonacot in the living room.Whenwe got home, I askedmymother to callMrs.Schofield, theChristianSciencepractitionerwhohad silencedmycriesasababywithher,“Alliswell,Zellie,alliswell.”Sheprayedforme,asdidmanyothersofvariousfaiths.Iamgratefulfortheirlove.

Classmatescametovisitmeandbroughtmebookstoread,andIwaspretty much stationary for the rest of the summer. I can rememberthinkingtomyself,“GodmustbepunishingmebecauseIwasn’tobedienttomymother. Ididn’thangup theclotheson theclotheslinewhen shetoldmeto.”

I remained convinced that something I had done had causedme tohave that accident. I couldn’t believe that God would give me such apunishment fordisobeyingmymother, but I couldn’t thinkof anythingelseIhaddonetowarrantthataccident.IlovedGodandIknewthathewasamercifulGodandthatwhatevermysinswere,hewasmakingmepay for them. But in the process he also forgave me, and by hisforgivenessIbelievedthatmylegwouldbefullyhealedtoservemeinmylife’smission—whateverthatmissionwastobe,forIdidn’tyetknowwhatitwastobe.

ForacoupleofmonthsmymotherandIwalkedtothedoctor’sofficetohavemybandageschanged.Icanrememberhowpainfulitwaswhenhewouldtearofftheadhesivetape.Bytheendofthesummermylegwashealing nicely and I was allowed to go in the ocean, even though thewoundshadnotfullyhealed.

NotonlydidGodhealmylegcompletelyandseetoitthatitperfectlymatched theother leg, but hehasgivenme the strength to stand at thealtarofGodandonthelectureplatformforfiveandsixhoursatatime.Manyyearsaftertheinjury,asItouredtheUnitedStates,SouthAmerica,Europe, Australia, the Philippines, I often wondered what I would dowithout my legs.And I think back upon that accident that could havebeenworsebutforthegraceandmercyofGod.

***

OnanotheroccasionIagainhadachancetoseethemiraculoussalvationof ourGod. Iwas ridingmy bicycle in heavy traffic one summer day.(Don’taskmewhymyparentsthoughtIcouldrideabikeallovertownwith the problem I had.) Streams of cars were converging from

Monmouth County Racetrack, Fort Monmouth, and the seaside resortcrowd.Iwaspedalingtowardafive-streetintersectionwhenonceagainIblackedout.

Bythistime,anumberofyearsaftermyleginjury,Ihaddisciplinedmy inner being to be in control of my body during these lapses ofconsciousness. In this case, I continued to pedal my bike, but I waspedaling harder than usual. I was suddenly brought back to bodilyawarenessbytheimpactofthefrontwheelagainstasteeloverhangonadrain gutter. The force of the impact threw me and my bike quite adistance into the air. I landed with a considerable bounce, but withoutfallingoffthebike.AsIlookedaroundandassessedthesituation,Isawdriversonallfivestreetshangingoutoftheirwindowslookingatme.Irealizedtheyhadbeenanticipatingaseriousaccident,butIwasprotectedand survivedunharmed. I shall never forget thegratitude I felt for thisdivineintercession.

Laterinlife,whenIwasintroducedtoSaintMichaeltheArchangelastheangelofprotectionandfaith,Irealizedthatitwashewhohadsavedmylifeonthatdayandseentoit thatnoharmhadcometomybody.Itestifythatinlookingback,IseethepresenceofArchangelMichaelwithmealltheyearsofthislifeandmanylifetimes.SurelywithoutthegraceofGodimplementedbytheangelichosts,IwouldnothavebeenabletoaccomplishwhatIdidinmylife.

***

AsIrecalltheincidentofmyleg,Irealizethatitmusthavebeenakarmafromapastlife.AtthetimemysoultrulyknewthatthiswasareturningkarmaImustbearandthatdivinejusticemustbesatisfied,evenasdivinemercy does intercede to save us from ourselves. I also understand thatthis andotherkarmas I facedasachildweregiven tome to“clear thedecks,” sowhen I came tomymission I would have already balancedcertain karmas thatwould havepreventedme from fulfilling all I havebeen able to do inmyyears of service. I also realize thatmy soul had

asked for my karma to descend at birth so that I might more quicklybalanceitpriortothetimewhenIwouldbecalledtoworkforGod.

Idonotregretanypartofmylifeoranycircumstance,anysetbackorany challenge, especially those I faced in childhood. I am profoundlygratefulforthegiftofChristianScienceandforMaryBakerEddy,whomI always felt to be a personal friend on the road of life. I have lookedphilosophically upon my lot and have attempted to extract from eachsituationmorselsoftruthandadeeperunderstandingoflife’smysteries.IhavesentmyquestionstoGodasIcastthemintotheuniversalseaoflight.Andbyandby—sometimesimmediately,sometimesinamatterofdays or even decades—God has sent back to me the answers to myquestions.

Ibelieve indivine justiceand that there isno injusticeanywhere inthe universe. Although human justice is more often a miscarriage ofdivinejustice,yetIknow,IbelieveandIaffirmthatultimatelyallthingscometousforareason.Ifwelearnourlessonswellfromeachsituationandencounter,wewillnothavetorepeatthem.

I believe that earth is a schoolroom and we are here to study andapply a practical life teaching.We are intended to graduate from thisschoolroomand tomoveon to thenext,whatever ismost suited toourlevelofdevelopment.

17TheTrialsGodGivesUs

I can truthfully say that I havenever railed against theAlmightywhenlifeseemedhard.ButIhavecriedouttoGodtohelpme,tohelpmebeartheburdensthatInowunderstandtohavebeentheburdensofmykarma.

But not all trials are karma. Some of our trials are for ourstrengthening and for testing the mettle of our souls. God has to beardownuponusalittlebitandthenalittlebitmoretoseewhetherwearewillingtobeartheburdenoftheLord.

AndwhatistheburdenoftheLord?Iwastolearnthatitisbothhisburdenoflight,eventheChrist-truththatisdespisedandrejectedofmen,aswellastheburdenofworldkarma.Althoughworldkarmamaynotbeour own, as we are strengthened in the Lord we desire to bear someportion,smallorgreat,ofthatkarma.Therebyotherswhoarenotstrongenough to bear it might know surcease from their pain and sufferingbecausewehavechosentobearourownkarma,andthensome.AsIoftentell my students, God has a right to test us and we have a right to betested—andtopassourtests.

In addition, the challenges along life’s way are a series of hurdlesgiventousbecauseoursoulshavedesiredtobeinitiated.Whenweareonthepathofsoulevolutionandwecometothepointwherewedesirenot only to love the Lord our God with all of our soul and mind andheart[14]buttoknowtheLordourGodwithallofoursoulandmindandheart,thentheLordsendsamastertoteachus,totrainusandtopurgeusofallego-centeredhumanhabitsandconditionings.Andthisissothatwemight become “sacred bread for God’s sacred feast,” as Kahlil Gibranphrasedit.[15]

Thus,allwhoseekGodmustknowthatlife’scircumstancesmustbeseen as karmic possibilities, both positive and negative. They are thetestingofoursouls,thatbothGodandwemightknowourstrengthsandourweaknessesaswell asour spiritual,mental, emotionalandphysical

fitnesstofightthegoodfightandwin.Eachday,eachcycleisaroundofinitiation.Witheach initiationpassed,wegaingreater self-masteryandeventuallytherestorationofouroriginalbirthrightassonsanddaughtersofGod.

Dealingwithrecordsandmomentumsofkarmaandseekingdivineaswellashumanresolutionwitheverypartoflifebringssoulfreedomandopportunity toseek,findandfulfillourdivineplan.Accepting trialandtribulation cheerfully, gratefully and energetically with a can-do spirithasitsrewardsinsoulsatisfaction.Godcaresenoughforustotestussothatwemayhaveasenseofco-measurementwithhim.Itiswrittenthat“whomtheLordlovethhechasteneth,andscourgetheverysonwhomhereceiveth.”[16]Wearehisbeloved,andhe lovesusenough to tryus inthefiresofhislove,foronlythuscanweenterthekingdomofGod.

If,then,beyondsoultesting,wedesireapathofinitiationwhereinweengageinthebattleoflightanddarknessanddealdirectlywiththeforcesof Christ andAntichrist, wewill know persecutions and ultimately thecrucifixion.OfthispathJesusspokewhenhesaid,“Thereisnomanthathath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, ormother, orwife, orchildren,orlands,formysake,andthegospel’s,butheshallreceiveanhundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, andmothers,andchildren,andlands,withpersecutions;andin theworld tocomeeternallife.”[17]

Ultimately, this is the path of personal Christhood taught anddemonstratedby the saints and adepts ofEast andWest throughout theages. Those who embrace it enter in to the joy of their Lord andultimately the initiationof empowerment. Jesus spokeof this initiationwhenhesaid,“Allpowerisgivenuntomeinheavenandinearth.”[18]

***

Asachild,IhadthesenseofthepathofChristtheburden-bearer.Ididnotunderstandallof theabove,but I sensed thatGodwasworkingoutsome grand and noble purpose in my life. And though I did not

understand all things, this one thing I did understand:Godwas indeedrequiringmysoul to“bearall things,believeall things,hopeall thingsand endure all things.”[19] For so the apostle Paul taught me in hissermon on spiritual gifts.[20] Without that mighty love, that self-givingness called charity that bears, believes, hopes and endures allthings,noneofthegiftsoftheSpiritarevalid.

My faith and my hope in God were the foundations whereby Iultimatelyreceived,throughtheSacredHeartofJesus,thegiftofcharityand ofChrist’s unspeakable love.Onlywhen I received the full gift ofcharitythroughinitiationcouldIlookintothemirrorofmysoulandseetherethereflectionofChrist’slove.ThenIbegantoknowthemysteriesofChrist’sloveandthenIbegantoknowmysoulasIamknown,asthebelovedofGod.AndbytheconversionofChrist’slove,Iwasbornagain,notbywaterorbyblood,butbytheSpirit, theHolySpirit,ofmyLordandSaviourJesusChrist.

WhenIwasachild,myheartdesiredtobeobedienttomyparents,tomyteachersand,mostimportantly,tothevoiceofconscience.ThisvoiceofGodwithinmebecamemorearticulate themoreIwouldlisten, trustand obey.When the voice ofmy inner counselor would counsel me, Iwouldnotonlyobeybut Iwould reasonwithmyLord.Fordidnot theBiblesay,“Comenow,andletusreasontogether,saiththeLORD”?[21]

Iwould ask questions. Iwould seek to understandwhy thingswerehappening tome,why things in theworld that seemedsounjustandsocruelwerehappening.Sometimestheinnerteacherwouldteachme,andsometimeshewouldbesilent.AndinthesilenceandthestillnessofmymeditationuponGod,Iwouldalsolearnofhimandhislaws.

Byandby,IcoulddistinguishbetweenthevoiceofmyinnerteacherandthevoiceofmyJesus.AndthenIlearnedtoknowthevoiceofGod—gentleyetmightyandalwaysthere—thoughsometimesIwouldhavetoclear the clouds that would come between me and the sun of God’spresence, clouds of dark karma and disappointments thatmademe cryout,“Howlong,OLord!”

WalkingandtalkingwithJesusgavemegreatcomfort.Withinmymindtheall-knowingpresenceofJesuswouldaffirmtomethetruthor

the errorof the situation Iwas inorgivemeaprofoundexplanation. Ihavebeeninstructedinthiswayallmylife,andthisishowIhavecometounderstandmany things Iknow today. Ididn’t think thatwhat Iwasdoingwasanythingdifferentthanwhatanybodyelsecoulddo.IthoughteverybodywalkedandtalkedwithGod.

***

When Iwasa child, Iwasnotyetperfected in theLaw.But Ibelievedthatwhenthatwhichisperfect,evenChrist,wouldcomeintomytemple,thenthatwhichwasdoneinpartwouldbedoneawaywith.[22]Iwasnotperfect in obedience to my father, mother, teachers, to the voice ofconscience, to Jesus or toGod.But Iwas learning day by day that theprice Ihad topay foreachactofdisobediencewas sogreat that itwassimplynotworthit todisobeyGodorthosewhomhehadsenttometoteachme,totrainmeandtoraisemeupinthewaythatIshouldgo.

Ibegantounderstandthatinordertoobey,Ihadtolistenandtolistencarefully,whethertotheinnervoiceofauthorityortotheoutervoiceofauthorityinmylife.Inordertolisten,Ihadtohavealisteningear.IhadtodesiretohearthewordofGodandthewordofmyinstructors.IcouldnotturnadeafeartoGodortothosehehadputinchargeofme.ImusthearGod by the hearing of the inner and the outer ear.And as a littlechild,Isimplymusttrustandobey.

Thus, in the same childlike trust and obedience that I was beingtrained inbymyparentsand inwhich Iwas trainingmyself, I came toacceptmyblackoutsasagiftofGod,perhapsnotordainedbyhimbutatleastallowed.Andiftheywereallowed,theywereindeedallowedforapurpose.

Certainlymy innerwill to surmount the problemwas being shapedandshodwiththestrengthoftheLord.ButnotuntiltheageoffortydidIhaveaclueaboutwhatmighthavecausedit.

18MyMother’sConfession

OnedaywhenIwasvisitingRedBank,MotherandIweresittingaloneatthekitchentabletalkingabouttheyearsgonebyoveracupofcoffeeandsomefresh-madeapplepie.Suddenlyshe turned tomeandsaid,“BettyClare,Ihaveaconfessiontomake.”

She lookeddown, almost ashamed, lookedup and thendownagain.Thenshesaid,“WhenIfoundoutIwaspregnantwithyou,Ididn’twanttohaveyou. Itwasn’tpersonalofcourse.Daddyand Iweremarried in1937, the business was just getting started, and we didn’t have apermanent home yet. I thought we should wait a little while, maybe ayearortwo.SoIcalledapharmacistandaskedhimifhecouldgivemesomethingtotaketostopthepregnancy.”

By now my heart was pounding. I couldn’t believe what I washearing.

“Hesaid,‘Ofcourse,Mrs.Wulf,Iunderstand.Comeondowntomypharmacy.Ihavejustwhatyouneed.’”ThenMotherlookedupatmeandsaid,“HegavemeadrugandItookit.”

Therewas a long silence as I lookedat her indisbelief.And then Isaid, “Oh, great! Well, it didn’t work. I’m here.” The shock of mymother’srejectionwasuponme,thenthegratitudethatIhadmadeitinspiteofitall.

NowIrealizethatmymotherthoughtthatthedrugshetookmayhavecausedmychildhoodblackouts.Fornearlythirtyyearsshehadbornetheguilt of her act and what she thought were the consequences. I hadcompassionforherbecauseIcouldunderstand—givenwhoandwhatshewas,burdenedasshehadbeenallherlifebyfearsanddoubts—howshecouldhavefeltcompelledtomakesuchadecision.

Imyselfdidnotput twoand two togetheruntil adozenyears later,when I decided to find outwhat kind of drug a pharmacist could havegivenawoman toabort a child in1938.Agynecologist toldme that it

would have been quinine sulfate. And depending on the stage ofpregnancy,whichIassumemusthavebeeninthefirsttrimester,itcouldhavedamagedthedevelopingcentralnervoussystemandthebrain.Thus,Mother’sworstfearscouldhavebeenwell-founded.

Inmygrowing-upyearsandthroughoutadulthood,Ihadfeltacertainceilingonmymentalfacultiesandmemory.IfeltthatifIcouldjustgetthroughthatceiling,Icouldaccessacompartmentofmymindthathadnotbeenavailabletomesincebirth.

Iamgratefultoyou,Mother,forhavinghadthecouragetorevealthistomesothatIcouldpursuethehealingofmypsycheandmypsychologyaswell asmy physical body. Through fasting and prayer andwith theLord’shelp,Ihaveworkedonpurgingthisdruganditseffects,physicaland nonphysical, from my body and mind. And I have experienced aliberationfrommanylimitationsIhavefeltallofmylife.

However,throughoutmylifeIhavealsobeenconsciousofthehighermental body, as the vessel of the mind of Christ, bypassing thelimitations of mind and memory and establishing direct awareness offacts, figuresand informationaswell as adirectknowledgeof sublimerealities. This awareness and this knowledge have not come to methroughtherationalmindbutdirectfromthevaststorehouseofthemindofGod,asitcancometootherswhotapintothatvastsource.

***

Manyyearsaftertheseeventsinmylife,theascendedmasterElMoryagaveme some insight into them.He toldme, “Youwere slated tobe avegetable from puberty on, but by your tremendous inner will youprevailed over incalculable odds.You took command of your physicalbrainandbodyandruledthembyyourinnerBeing.Youfoughtthegoodfightandyouwon.”ElMoryaalsostatedthatthisattemptedabortionwasnot my karma, nor was it intended as a soul testing, though indeed itcame to be that. Itwas the crucifixion ofmy soul andmy body in thewomb.

One day, in deep meditation, I went back to the memory of myexperience in uterowhen this drugwas introduced into the developingfetus,whichmysoulwasalreadyoccupying.Itwasindeedanagonyonthecross.AsIwasinmeditation,mylegsbegantoshakeuncontrollably;thenmyentirebodybegantoquake.Thiscontinuedforafullhour.AsIallowed myself to re-experience the scene, I saw that prior to theintroduction of the drug, my soul had been set for the mission.AfterwardsIhadtodealwith thedesirenot tobe,not to live,not tobeborn.

By the timemygestation in thewombreachedfull term, IwasstillstrugglingwiththeforeknowledgeofwhatwouldbemylotifIwasbornin that body. This accounts for the delay and difficulty in my birth—Mother having been in the hospital in pain for two weeks, the doctormakingthepredictionthatIwouldlikelynotsurvive.

Seeingall thisandknowing that the truewillofmybeinghadbeenshrouded by a drug that had temporarily dauntedmywill,my belovedGuru, El Morya, cut across the dilemma and made a decision on mybehalf that Iwas not able tomake. In typicalMorya style, he sentDr.Rullmantodelivermebycesareansection.

My meditation on my experience of the drug concluded with themoment Dr. Rullman lifted me out of my mother’s belly. Until thatmomentIhadnotwantedtobeborn,somuchsothatIwassobbinginmymeditation-regression. Then I knew, then I saw. Looking up into myfather’seyes,Isawnotonlymyfather,butbeyondmyfatherIsawmyGuru.

Thus,Ienteredlifewiththeunderstandingofsogreatalove—thatofthe livingGuruwho carriedme across the abyss and placedme inmyfather’swaitingarms.MyGuruofmanylifetimesknewthatIwouldhavewanted him to override my will in favor of God’s will, no matter thepriceIwouldhavetopay.WithoutElMorya’sloveandhismovinguponmy father and Dr. Rullman, my lesser, unenlightened will might haveprevailedandIwouldnothavebeenborninthislifetofulfillmyreasonforbeing.

This is one reason that my love for El Morya is so deep, so

unspeakable. The Guru-chela relationship under the sponsorship of anascendedmasteristhenoblestfriendshiponecanknow.ElMoryaknowsmebetterthanIknowmyself.Heactsinmybestinterest,knowingthatIwillcatchuptothestandardandthevisionheholdsformeandbewhereIneedtobeontime.

Thankyou,Mother,forbearingwithmetotheend.Idoforgiveyouwith allmyheart. I amsograteful for all youhavegivenme.Andmyadversity,thoughattimespiercingmyheartwithapainnotofthisworld,hasbeentemperedbyGod’sgrace.IthassummonedfromthedepthsandtheheightsofmybeinganindomitablewilltobeandtobecomeallthatIreallyaminGod.

19Sundays

Sundaywas a special day in our house.Daddywas home andwe threeenjoyedapleasantbreakfasttogether.Adelightfulmusicprogramplayedon the radio each Sunday morning as we were eating breakfast. I wastotally charmed by it. A beautiful orchestral rendition of Viennesewaltzeswasaccompaniedby thesingingofuntoldnumbersofcanaries.Assoonasthemusicstartedandthebirdsheardit,theywouldbeginthemost beautiful singing of the nature kingdom that I had ever heard. ItbecameapartofourSundaymorningritual.

While I was dressing for Sunday school, Mother was alreadypreparingSundaydinner.Itmightberoastbeefwithpotatoesbrowningintheoven, stringbeans seasonedwithparsley and a little bit of nutmeg,and often cauliflowerwith a cream sauce seasonedwith pepper,Maggiandnutmeg.

Another Sunday dinner I looked forward to was fresh kale cookedovernight with pork and served with new potatoes, boiled, peeled andthen rolled in uncookedCream ofWheat and fried to a golden brown.Thismealalwayshadplentyof leftoversand thesecondand third timeweateit,thekaleandpotatoeswerefriedinthekalejuiceandthecutofporkwentalongwithit.

Alongwiththesehardymeals,MotheralwaysservedasaladIhelpedher prepare.Like all the other dishes, itwasmy father’s recipe.Finelychopped white onions, Gulden’s mustard, salt and pepper, apple cidervinegarandvegetableoil,lettucefromthegarden,includingBoston,redleaf and salad bowl,with fresh tomatoeswas our summer salad,whileboughticeberg,romaineandsometimesendivewerethewinterfare.Cut-up celery, celery leaves and parsley were optional. Daddy enjoyed anavocadobeforehissaladandIgotalittleslicenowandthen.

My favorite dessert was “floating islands.” Mother made a vanillacream with egg yolk and thickening, topped with freshly beaten egg

whitesflavoredwithsugarandvanilla.Sometimesshewouldsoakalittlepoundcakeinwineandputitatthebottomofalargebowlfromwhichsheservedthedessert.

Sundaydinnerwas theonlymealweate in thediningroom.Duringtheweekthediningroomtableservedasasewingstation,adeskwhereIdidmyhomework,ora flat surfacewheremy father spreadouthisbigstampcollection,whichhewouldworkonnightafternightforastretch,especiallyinwinter.Ialsohadastampcollectionandworkedatitwithhim by the hour. As I studied the stamps, I became interested in thecountries that issued them. I readNational Geographic and othermagazines to increase my understanding of what was happening indifferentcountriesandtheworldinwhichIlived.

After a bigSunday dinner, I looked forward toSunday supper lateron,whichwasoftencookedfruitwithpuddingorpancakes.Mothermadeadelicious cornmealpuddingwith raisins.Shehada special aluminumpot, like a cake pan with a hole in the center except it was taller andsmallerindiameter.Ithadatopthatsealedandlocked,andshecookedthepuddingbyimmersingthispotinboilingwater.Thenshemadeafruitsaucefromwhateverfruitswere inseason—blueplums,apples,berries,pears, et cetera. When the corn pudding came out, it was sliced andtoppedwiththehotfruitsauce.

ThesamekindofsaucewasservedoverGermanpancakes.Thesearemadefromathinbatterofeggs,flour,milk,waterandsalt.Thesizeofalargedinnerplate,theywerefriedinbaconfatandbaconbitsinablackskilletandservedtwoor three thick.Sometimesmyfatherwouldmakethis meal since it was his recipe. He was a good cook and enjoyedcookingwhenhewasn’ttootiredfromaday’swork.

Another Sunday night supperwasmadewith blue plums halved.Alargerectangularcookietinwaslinedwithapiecrustandasinglelayerofblueplums,one against theother in rows.Theywere sprinkledwithsugarandalittlelemonjuiceandthenbaked.Thepieceswerecutaboutfive inches square and put on our plates, all we could eat. AssortedGerman and Swiss cheeses were sometimes served on the side. It wassimplydelicious!

Thesewerethe’40sandthe’50sbeforeeverythingbecameprocessed,chemicalized, devitalized, sprayed and poisonedwith insecticides. I atetheall-Americandiet,whichinourfamilywasbasedonaGermandiet.SoIhadplentyofpork,meatthreetimesaday,baconandbaconfatonmytoastinthemorning,eggseverydaybeforeschool,everykindofbeefdish, chicken, turkey, Swiss cheeses of all kinds, and always a tray ofGerman sausages made fresh with the best meat by the local Germanbutcher.

Thesewerethe“healthy”foodsofourtime.Ourparentsthoughttheyweregivingusthebest.Littledidtheyknowthatwiththiskindofadiettheywere sowing the seedsofheartproblems, stroke, cancerandallofthefataldiseasesthathavecomeuponthisgeneration.

***

Sundayswerespecialtomeformorethanfoodandfamilytogetherness,because it was the Lord’s day and I looked forward to receivingunderstanding that always opened doors beyond doors into realms oflight. Jesus had taught me that I could not live by bread alone but byeveryword thatproceedethoutof themouthofGod.Healso said, “Hethat loveth fatherormothermore thanme isnotworthyofme: andhethatlovethsonordaughtermorethanmeisnotworthyofme.”[23]Myperspectivewasclearonthematter.

After breakfast I got dressed for Sunday school. My mother mademostofmyclothesandIhelped,soIlearnedtosewatayoungage.Myfavorite Sunday dresswasmade of a beautiful Swiss fabricwith royalblue,paleblueandwhitestripes.ItwasthetruestblueIhadeverhadinadress.ThestripescametoaVinfront,andthedresshadaplainV-neck,simple sleevesandagathered skirt.Thatdress lasted foryearsbecausemymother leftextra length in thebodicesoshecould lengthen it fromthewaistasIgrew.EveryotherSundayIworeadressofsimilardesignthathadalternatingtwo-inchgreenandwhitestripeswithtinydarkgreenrosessprinkledalloverthestripes.Iworewhitesockswitheitherwhite

orblackpatentleathershoes,alittlepursetomatch,astrawhatandwhitegloves.

TheritualofdressingupinmySundaybestmademefeelreadytogoto thealtar tohear thewordsofJesusas theywerereadfromtheBibleandasIheardhimspeakingtomeinmyheart.ThekeystothescriptureswhichMary Baker Eddy received from God answered so many of myquestions. But still more were not answered. I trusted they would beanswered in time, justas soonas Iwouldbe ready to receive themandGodwouldwantmetohavethem.

As I said good-bye tomy parents andwalked out the front door, Iskippeddownthebrickstepsandtheslatesidewalk,turnedleft,crossedthe street diagonally and, with Mrs. Ottinger’s permission, walkedthrough her driveway and through the gate in the chain-link fence thatseparatedherbackyardfromthebackyardofthehouseonestreetoveronHudsonAvenue.Beyond thatdrivewayI turned right,crossed thestreetdiagonally and entered the back parking lot of the Christian Sciencechurch,whichfrontedonBroadStreet,themainstreetinRedBank.

Since neither of my parents ever attended the Christian Sciencechurchwithme,IwasaccustomedtowalkingaloneandcommuningwithGod.Godwassayingtome,“Ifyouwantme,youwillhavetocomeandfindme.”

ThisexperiencetaughtmetowalkwithGodandtowalkalone.AndIlearnedthatifIwantedsomethingbadenough,Ihadtofindtheresourceswithinmyselftogetit.IfIwantedtogotoSundayschool,Iwouldhavetogobymyself, and Idid.Godwas fashioningaboldand independentspirit.Strong-willed,Iwouldnotbemovedfrommycourse.Andtheseedofthemissionwasgrowing.

Icanstillremembertheexactplaceshereandtherealongthewaytochurch where I received revelations from God or Jesus. I could go tothose spots today and tell youwhat the Lord spoke inmy heart. Someweremysteries of the kingdom that have remained sealed inmy heart,andsomeIhaverevealedinmywritingsandsermons.

***

OneveryspecialSunday,asIwalkedtochurchrecitingtheTwenty-thirdPsalm,thegentlepresenceofmyLordovershadowedme.AndIaffirmed,becauseIknewitdeepwithinmyheart,“TheLORD ismyshepherd;andbecause he ismy shepherd day and night, I shall notwant. I shall notwant.”ThesewordssealedmyheartintheheartofJesus.Hecarriedmysoul togreenpastures,where Icould restandknowregular intervalsofreturn to the Source and enter the still waters of his mind. God wasrestoringmysoul.Hewasleadingmeinpathsofrighteousness.

After that,when Iwaspresent for thealmostnightlyconfrontationsbetweenmyparentsat thekitchen table, Icouldrecite thewords inmyheart, “Yea, though Iwalk through thevalleyof the shadowofdeath, Iwillfearnoevil:forthouartwithme;thyrod(therodofthyLawandthyPresence)andthystaff(thestaffofself-knowledgeandtheknowledgeofGod)theycomfortme.”[24]

HowtrueitwasthatGodhadpreparedatablebeforeme,infacttwotables.Onewasathome,inthepresenceofmineenemies—theelementsof my own mortality that I must pluck out, the demons of anger thatragedthroughmyfather,andthedemonsoffearthatstalkedthroughmymother.

Thesecondtablewasafeastoflight.Isawitwithapurewhiteclothandcrystalvessels.Itwasaheavenlyvision,withcandlesburningandtheLordpresent.Ifthiswasthetablepreparedforthesaintsinheavenwhentheyshouldsupwithhiminglory,itwasalsothefeastoftruthofwhichIpartookatSundayschoolandinmyquiethoursofreadingtheBibleandstudyingtheworksofMaryBakerEddy.Godwasanointingmyheadwiththeoilofdivineunderstanding,andthecupofmyheartwasrunningoverwithhislove.

WhenIsoughttocommunewithGod,itwasnaturalformetorecitethePsalms.ImmediatelyIwasuplifted.Irememberfeelinglight,God’slight, come upon me in a shower of spiritual energy. God’s gentlepresencewould enfoldme, and I had the sense of a physical vibration

aroundmyheadthatwastangible.Each time this would happen, I would hear a roaring sound in my

innerear,likethesoundofanoceanwaveortheroarofNiagaraFalls.InthatmodeIwouldbelisteningtoGodwithmyinnerearinaheightenedsensitivity.Simultaneously,Iwouldbeseeingwithaninnervision.

As a child, it was altogether natural for me to feel God’s light allaroundme.IwasliterallyinthegloryoftheLord,andmyheartrejoicedinthegladnessofknowingthatallofhispromises tomysoulfromthebeginningwouldbefulfilled.Iwasatpeace.

***

When I first startedSunday school,wemet in a large two-storygaragethat had been nicely renovated for the Sunday school service and theclasses that followed, which were separated by age group. The adultservices were being held in the main house. By and by a beautifulcolonial-stylechurchedificewasbuilt.

IwouldarriveatSundayschoolwithanexpectantheartandasenseofwonderastowhatGodwouldhaveinstoreformetoday.SometimesthegirlsinmySundayschoolclasswouldgiggleanddisruptthelesson.Butevery moment was so precious to me. I was receiving my soulnourishmentfortheweektocome,andIknewonlytoowellhowmuchIneededit.Isavoredeverymorseloftruththatcameoutofthemouthofmyteacher.

During theweek Iwould study theLesson-Sermon,whichconsistedofselectedpassagesfromtheBibleandScienceandHealthcompiledbytheChristianScienceboardofdirectors.Thetopics,whichwerederivedfromheadingsdesignatedbyMaryBakerEddy, includedsuch thingsas“Spirit,” “Soul,” “Mind,” “Life,” “Truth” or “Love,” as well as arcanetitles such as “Ancient andModernNecromancy,aliasMesmerismandHypnotism, Denounced.” Christian Scientists study the Lesson-Sermonfor the week and then hear it read on Sunday morning in church. InSundayschoolwereadpartsofitaloudanddiscussedthemeaningofthe

scripturesaswellasMaryBakerEddy’sinterpretation.Iuseda systemof steeldividers inmybookandmarked theverses

withbluechalkthatwaseasilyerased.EachtimeIreadthelessonorevenonesectionofit,Iwouldbeimmersedinlight.Oftenversesofscripturewouldstandoutasthoughhighlightedinlight.Thewordsoftheprophets,ChristJesusandtheapostlesburnedinmyheartasalivingmessage.ThenameofGod“IAMTHATIAM”stoodoutinlettersoffireasdidJesus’statement“I am the resurrectionand the life”[25] and the statement byJohnthat“Godislove.”[26]

***

I came toChristian Sciencewith a deeply personal love for Jesus, andthroughChristianScience this lovewasenriched. I felt that I contactedhimasthepersonhewasinGalileeandtheMasterheistoday.

OnSundayafternoonsatfiveo’clock,“TheGreatestStoryEverTold”playedontheradio.EachprogramwasasegmentinJesus’life.Ilistenedenraptured, as though Jesus were speaking to me directly and I washearinghimspeakthesewordstomedirectly.Theseprograms,togetherwiththeSeventh-DayAdventistBiblestoriesandmyownreadingofthescriptures,wouldnotallowmetorelatetoJesusonlymetaphysically.Tomehewasaveryrealbeing.

OneofMaryBakerEddy’shymnsbegins“SawyemySaviour?Heardye the glad sound?Felt ye the power of theWord?”[27]ButChristianSciencedoesnotarticulatetheChristiandoctrineofbeingsavedbyJesusChrist and being born again through the conversion of theHoly Spirit.ChristianSciencealsodoesnotteachthatJesusdiedforoursins.Anditminimizes the importance of the crucifixion and maximizes theresurrection.

I myself could never understand the Christian doctrine thatproclaimed that two thousand years ago Jesus died for my sins. Thepastors and Sunday school teachers I encountered never could quiteexplain tomehowJesus’death two thousandyearsagocouldatone for

sins Ihadnot committedat that time, sinsof this lifeor those Imightcommitinthefuture.

Only when I received the ascended masters’ teachings did I trulyunderstandtheconceptofChristdyingforthesinsoftheworld.Ilearnedthat Jesus was the Son of God whom the Father had sent to bear ourkarmafora time. I learned thatGod, throughJesusChrist, forgivesoursins.But his forgiveness does not exempt us frompaying the price forthosesins—inotherwords,balancingthekarmaofthemisuseoffreewilland the misqualification of God’s light, energy and consciousness.Christ’sforgivenessis theactofsettingasideoursin,orkarma,sothatwe can pay our debts to every part of life through service to ourfellowman,devotiontoGodandapathofdiscipleshipunderJesusChrist.

Jesusbearsthesinsoftheworldbecausetheweightissogreatthatifwe had to bear that weight, we could not simultaneously balance thekarmaforthatsin.It’slikegettingoutofdebtors’prisonsoyoucanworktopayoffyourdebts.

Ialsolearnedthatthetransfiguration,thecrucifixion,theresurrectionandtheascensionarestepsofspiritual initiationthatonedayeverysonand daughter of God must pass through. By these teachings from theascendedmastersaswellasthemysteriesthatJesushasbeenrevealingtome all of my life, I finally understood the erroneous doctrines thatcontinuetobetaughtbyChristianitytoday.AndIachievedaresolutionofmysoulwiththedivinedoctrineofJesusChrist.

My understanding of being born again and of Jesus Christ as mypersonal Saviour grew as I grew spiritually, until one day when I wasdeliveringasermonfromthealtarofourchurchinPasadena,IrealizedthatifIhadbeentheonlysinneronearth,GodwouldstillhavesenthisSon into incarnation tosavemysoul.With the realizationofsogreatalovethatGodshouldsendhisSonsothatIshouldberestoredtoeternallife,IwasfilledwiththeHolySpirit.Wavesuponwavesofhislovefilledmysoul.ThereforeIbearwitnesstoapersonalconversionandapersonalwalkwithJesusChrist.

20Love

In the tenth grade, I had a déjà vu experience. Therewas a boy inmyschool whose name was Vladimir. He had a Russian mother and aYugoslav father, and they had emigrated fromYugoslavia.Hewas twoyearsolderthanme.

I first sawVladimirwhen hewas looking through thewindowof adoortoaclassroomwhereIwassitting.Lookingathisface,Iknewhiminstantly, and it was love at first sight. In my soul I was passionatelyattachedtohim.

ByandbyImetVladimir.Hewouldvisitmeandmymotherandtalkabout Europe, European politics and similar things. We had a recordplayer in the livingroom,andI taughthimballroomdancing.Hewasagooddancer;hehadasenseofrhythm.

When he was graduating from high school, I felt that since I hadtaughthimtodance,heowedittometotakemetotheseniorprom.Butitdidn’tseemlikethatwasgoingtohappen.SoIwentoutintomygardenandImadeafiattoGodfordivinejusticeinthissituation.IdeliveredallthepowerandfireofmybeingtoGodtoresolvethis.

Then Iwalked in from the garden to the house, the telephone rang,anditwasVladimironthephone.HeinvitedmetotheseniorpromandIwasthrilled.

I went shopping for a dress and found a beautiful gownmade of afabric that had a design of blue flowers. It had straps, a little chiffonarrangement over the bust line and a royal blue ribbon at the center. Itwasinanupscaleshopthatsoldexpensiveclothesanditwasquitecostly.

IwentbackandI lookedat thisdresseveryday.ItcostmorethanIhadeverpaidforadress.MymotherandIhadmademostofmyclothesup to that time,butshedecided tobuy it forme,andIwasveryhappythatIhadthisbeautifuldresstowear.

The prom was at the exclusive Berkeley Carteret Hotel inAsbury

Park. Itwasasit-downdinnerbanquetandadance. Idon’tparticularlyrememberdancing,butIknowwedid.Vladimirtookmetothedanceandtookme home. It was basically uneventful. Somehowmy expectationshadbeengreaterthanreality.

Formaybe a year I had had a crush on this boy, and itwas truly aheartthrob. I still had a crush on him and it lasted for at least anotheryear.IwasdefinitelyenamoredofhimbutI’msureitwasn’tmutual.

Thesameyearastheprom,VladimirmetaCubangirl.ShewasoneofthemostbeautifulgirlsIhadeverseen.Shehadaperfectcomplexion,beautifulblondehairandawonderfulCubanSpanishaccent.Afterschoolin theSpanishclass,shewoulddemonstrateSpanishdances. Iwentonetime and there was Vladimir, clapping his hands and tapping his feetwhileshewasdancing.Hewastotallytakenwithher.

SoIwalkedhomealone,withmyheartjustabsolutelybreakinginmychest.WhenIgothomeIwasstillcrying,andmymotherwasupsetandmyfatherwasupset.Thenmymother’sfriendsgotupset.Everybodygotintheact,becauseI’dbecleaninghouseonSaturdaysandI’dbecrying.This was the biggest pain I had ever experienced inmy life. The paincouldnothavebeengreater.

BythetimeIwasajuniorinhighschool,Vladimirhadgraduated.Ithinkhewentdirectlyintothearmy.Iprobablyheardfromhimnowandthen,andhewrote tome inmysenioryearwhen Iwas inSwitzerland.The last timeIsawhimwas inNewYorkwhenIworkedat theUnitedNations. I lookedathimandhewas just onemoreperson thatblendedinto the crowd. He was no longer outstanding to me in any waywhatsoever.

Myfirstlovewasn’tmyultimatelove,andwhenyouhaveafirstloveand your heart is broken, it seems like you never quite give thatmuchagain. I think that thepeoplewhoarechildhoodsweetheartsandfinallywindupmarrying,ifthey’retrulymeantforeachother,aretheoneswhodon’t have broken hearts, because they have always been true to eachother. Ihavealways thought that it’san ideal situation tohavemarriedyourfirstlove.Butthatwasnotmykarmainthislife.

Lookingbackonitnow,Irealize that thiswassomebodyoutofmy

past who struck a deep emotional chord within me which was totallyunexplainable. I learned later that this sudden recognition and flow ofenergy is typical of a relationship of karma. I don’t know whether herepresentedaconglomerateofpeople Iknewinapast lifeorwhether Ihadknownthisspecificlifestream.Inanycase,itwasanexperiencethataffectedmedeeply.

***

In the summerof 1955, theyear after I hadgone toBeachHavenwithJane,Iwasbackthereagain.ButthisyearIwasalone.BeachHavenwaspristineinthosedays,andtheareaatthesoutherntipoftheislandneartheCoastGuardstationwasalmostdeserted.OftenIwastheonlypersononthisbeachwithgloriouswhitesandandwarmwater.

AtthebeachItriedtogetajobasawaitress,butthewomanwhoranthe restaurant wouldn’t hire me because according to state law I wasunderage.SoIfoundafamilywhohiredmetotakecareoftheirchildren,clean their house and help them cook when they had guests over. Iworkedforthemanumberoftimesaweek.Althoughitdidn’tpayverywell,IwasgratefulforthejobbecauseIwastryingtosavemoneytogotocollege.

InoticedthatwhenthemoonwasfullatBeachHaven,itwashuge.Itwould be suspended low in the heavens, like a harvest moon, almostreddish-orange, a sensual moon, hanging low over theAtlantic. Underthatmoon, theguysfromtheCoastGuardstationwouldbeoutneckingon the beach at night. That’s the kind of life thatwent on there. LongBeachIslandwasfullofteenagersandcollegekidsandtherewaslotsofpartying,drinkingandsexualactivity.

When I saw these young people at Beach Haven, I wished I had aboyfriend.But that summer Ineverdid. Itwas lonely formebecause Ididn’tfitintothatcrowd.ThoughIdidn’twanttobewiththem,Iwouldhavelikedhavingaboyfriend.However,GodsawtoitthatIdidn’t.

ItwasmyprofoundconvictionthatIwantednopartofalcoholandno

partofcigarettes.Ihadwatchedmyparentssmoke,almostchainsmoke,dayinanddayout.Atleastthreetimesaweek,Isawmyfatherdrinkandbecome inebriated.And the times he wasn’t inebriated, he was on thevergeofitbecausehewassothinthathecouldn’tholdhisalcohol.Soitwas the conviction of my soul and my inner being that I would notpartakeof thesehabits.Then, too,when Iwasnineyearsold, Iwent toChristianScienceSundayschooland foundout thatChristianScientistsdon’tsmokeordrinkalcohol.

SoIwouldgotothebeachaloneandIwouldcommunewithGod.IhadmyBible andmyScienceandHealth, and that summer I readTheSong of Bernadette, by FranzWerfel. Reading the story of the life ofSaintBernadetteofLourdeswasaninspirationtome.Itwasthespiritualpath that I desired, but it was difficult to be on a spiritual path in themidstof thesocial life thatwasgoingonaroundme.Andtobeon thatpath,Ihadtobealoneandlonely,becausethetwodidn’tmix.

So I understand all too well how teenagers who are brought up instrict religious environments find it incompatible with their social lifeandthetrendsofthetimes.Iftheyarenotrootedintheverycoreoftheirbeingtoaspiritualpath,theyareprobablygoingtoskipitwhiletheyareteenagers.ButIwasoneofthosewhohadthestrengthandthespiritualfiretobewillingtoseparatemyselfoutandbewhoIwasatthepriceofnothavingfriends.And,infact,mostofthosepotentialfriendsatBeachHavenwerenotworthhaving.

Iwas in a family thatwas sodysfunctional that therewasonlyoneway togo, and thatwas toGod. I longed forGod. Iyearned forGod. Iyearnedformymission.Icouldn’twaittofindoutwhatmymissionwas.Andtoacertainextent,livinginBeachHaventhatsummerseemedlikelanguishing.

Ilovedtobeinthewater,Ilovedtogoswimming,Ilovedtolieinthesun. But on the other hand, where was my mission? Where were mypeople?AndwhatwasGodgoingtocallmetodo?

SoIwouldjusttalktoGod.IwouldreadpassagesfromTheSongofBernadetteandIwouldtalktoGod.ItalkedtoGodalot.

***

One time when I was in high school, I got a telephone call from agirlfriend stating that three or four girlfriends were all going on blinddatesandIhadtocometoo.Ihadnodesireorintentionofgoing,buttheyweredeterminedthatIwould.AndsotheblinddatethatturnedupformewassomebodyfromWisconsin,withaWisconsinaccent.

IhadneverbeenoutsideoftheNortheastatthattime,exceptwhenIwent toSwitzerlandasachild, so IwasquiteEastCoast inmycultureandvalues.Andthatsectionofthecountrycanbesomewhatnarrowinitsviews.EverythingelsewasconsideredkindofhickandbeneaththehighacademicandculturalstandardsoftheEast.AndsincethatwasalmostallIhadknown,Ihadabsorbedthatattitude.

SoI lookedat thischaracter fromWisconsinandhisaccentandhiswholefarm-countryconsciousness,andIthought,“Thisistheworstthingthateverhappenedtome.”Ithoughthewastheworstboreandtheworstkind of character you could ever imagine, and Iwas so repulsed that Icouldn’twaittogetawayfromthissituation.IfeltthatIhadreallybeenburned. So I came home and told my mother about this terribleindividual,andItoldher,“I’llnevermarryamanfromWisconsin!”

Itwas five or six years before I evermet anybody fromWisconsinagain.AndthenextpersonImetfromWisconsinwasMarkProphet.

I thinkMoryawas testingmeout in this situation inhighschool tosee what would happenwhen this girl from the East whowould go tocollegeintheEastmetwiththisfolksyguyfromtheMidwestwhowasachelaofMorya.Ihavesometimeswonderedwhethermyviolentreactionto this individual postponed my meetingMark for the next five yearswhile I grewup and realized that peoplewithWisconsin accents reallyhadsomevaluetothem.

***

IlivedmylifefreelyasaninnerwalkwithGodthebestIcouldtillIwas

twenty-two and metMark Prophet.Along the course of those years, Idated, Ihad relationships, Ihad friends, Ididvarious things, andallofthesethingscontributedtowhoandwhatIamtoday.

21Switzerland

Themorning ofmy seventeenth birthday,April 8, 1956,was a turningpointinmylife.SinceIwasachild,Ihadsleptinthebackbedroomofourhouseinmylittle,singlebed,whichfacedthewindow.Themorningsun came through thatwindow, and in the spring and summer it shonethrough a huge silver maple that was between our house and theneighbor’sproperty.Thebirdswouldbesinging,shaftsofsunlightwouldcome twinkling through the leavesas thebreezesblew,and itwasas ifangelswouldwakemeup.

I rememberwaking up thatmorning and saying tomyself, “Why, IhavetogotoSwitzerlandthisyear.”Igotoutofbedandranandtoldmymother,“I’msupposedtogotoSwitzerlandandstudyFrench.”Shesaid,“Well, you talk to your father about it.” I toldmy father and he said,“Talktoyourmother.”

Sincetheageoffive,Ihadsavedmymoneyandithadbeenpilingup—myvioletsmoney,my pot holdermoney,my pincushionmoney andmoneyfrombabysitting.SonowIhadenoughmoneytopaymyownwaytoEurope.AndIhadmanyrelativeswhowouldbehappytohavemestaywith themwhen I got there. Itwasmy collegemoney, but I decided IcouldspenditonthistripbecausegoingtoSwitzerlandwouldfurthermyeducationsinceIwouldbecomefluentinFrench.

IhadbeenlettingGoddirectmeandIhadwokenupthatdaywiththeawareness“Ifyoudon’tlearnFrenchnow,you’llneverlearnit,becauseyou’vegotamissiontodoandyouwon’thavetimetolearnitlater.”InhighschoolIhadalreadyfinishedthreeyearsofFrench,andIhadadeepsensethatIhadtolearntospeakitfluently.ButIfeltthatsoonmylifewouldallbelaidoutformeandIwouldhaveotherthingstodo.Astheyearswouldgoby,Iwouldneverhavethisopportunityagain.Thisturnedouttobeabsolutelytrue.

WehadafamilymeetingandmyparentsdecidedIcouldgo.Ihadthe

money in the bank. The principal and superintendent of schools alsothoughtIcouldgo.Iwasdoingwellenoughinmyclassesthattheyweregoingtoletmeleaveearly,beforetheendoftheschoolyear.MymotherwrotetomyrelativesandinquiredaboutwhatschoolsIshouldattend.Allthe relatives got involved anddecidedwhere I shouldgo to school andwhereIshouldlive.

I left onMay 28, 1956, and arrived inKloten airport in Zurich thenextday.All the relativeswerewaiting forme.WhenI steppedoff theplane, I was wearing a light brown and white tweed straight skirt andjacketwithablouseunderneath,andthiswascomplementedwithapricot-colored suede shoes and amatchingpurse.To top it off, Iwore glovesandahatwithalittlewhitefeatherandaveil.That’showpeopledressedinthe1950s.

When I saw the airport, I was impressed with how beautiful andmodern itwas. It had polishedmarble floors.But themostmemorableeventwaswalkingdownthestairsinthoseshoes.Theheelsweren’ttoohigh,buttheywerehighenoughtofallin.Andatageseventeen,Iwasn’tseaworthyinhighheels.AsIglidedofftheplane,myfeetshotoutfromunder me and I tumbled down the steps. UncleWerner never stoppedkiddingmeaboutitthewholetrip.

***

Mymothercouldn’tunderstandwhyIwouldwanttogotoEuropealoneanddidnotwantacompanion,butIsaid,“I’llbejustfine.”AtthatageIwas an explorer and I didn’t have any reason to have a companion. Iwouldgoanywhere,doanything—totallyfearless,totallytrustinginGod.

In those days it was in style to hitchhike, so I hitchhiked all overSwitzerland.IfIwassomewhereandwantedtogetsomewhereelseandtherewasnootherwaytogo, I’d justgetout in theroadwithmylittlesatchel on my back and stick out my thumb. Invariably, some well-dressed businessman would pick me up and drop me off where I wasgoing.Ineverthoughtanythingofitandneverworriedaboutmysafety.I

hadcompletepeacewithGod,faithinGod,absolutetrust.Ididn’tknowanythingaboutthebadpartsoftheworldoranythingabouttheworldthatscaredme.Andiftherewasanythingbadoutthere,itwasn’tgoingtobewhereIwas.ThatwasjustthewayIlookedatlife.

AtthattimeIwasinnocent,andIthinkthereisacertainprotectionininnocence itself. My aura was one of innocence, and it was probablyobvioustoanybodywhometme,andsopeopledidn’ttakeadvantageofme.[‡]

When I was in Switzerland, I went to a public high school inNeuchâtel.Thisschoolhadasummercourseandstudentscamefromallovertheworldtostudythere.Languagesfascinatedme,soIwasstudyingGerman, Spanish and Italian, and I was becoming fluent in French. Iwanted to stay and study until I could become fluent in all theselanguages.

AttheheadquartersoftheUnitedNationsinGeneva,Isawhowtheydidsimultaneousinterpretingandthisfascinatedmetoo.Whilesomeoneis speaking, the interpreter is listening and speaking simultaneously.Genevahasaschoolforthis,andIwantedtogothereuntilIcoulddoitperfectly. I desperatelywanted to be a simultaneous interpreter for theUnitedNations.

LaterIrealizedthatthisexperiencewasrelatedtomytrainingtobeamessenger, because simultaneous translation is similar to what amessenger is doing—receiving a message from one of the ascendedmastersandgivingitforthsimultaneously,infullconsciousawareness.

ButeventhoughIwantedtostay,myparentsandhigh-schoolfacultydemandedthatIreturn.Ihadbeensentoutfortwomonthsandhadbeenthereforseven,sotheysaidIhadtocomehometofinishwhatwasleftofmysenioryearinhighschool.

In Switzerland I studied night and day, and I did become fluent inFrench.SoIhadtherealexcitementofhearingmyselfspeakinanotherlanguagethatwasn’tmyown.

***

When I was staying with relatives in Switzerland, I encounteredvegetarianism for the second time.ElisabethEnkerli,my cousin,was astrictvegetarian,andsheandherbrothersandsisters(whoseparentshaddiedwhentheyoungestofeightchildrenweresevenandeightyearsold)wereallvegetarians.Theypreparedwonderfulmealsthatweremeat-freebutfullofmilk,cheeseandyogurt.

IespeciallylikedtheSwissmueslithatwasinventedbyDr.Bircher.Itwasmadeofsoakedoatscombinedwithnutsandfruitsoftheseason,towhichwasaddedpurecreamandperhapssugar.It’saone-mealdish,andnowit’seatenallovertheworld.

I also learned about vegetarianism from Laurie Roth, a ChristianSciencepractitionerwhowasafriendofmymother’sfromtheirschooldays. Shewas probably 55 or 60whenwemet and I enjoyed spendingtimewithher.ShewasagreatcomfortwhileIwasaboarderinthehouseof a strict Calvinist Protestant pastor, Monsieur Lachat, who did notapproveofChristianScience.

Laurie Roth would always prepare vegetarianmeals when I visitedher,mostof the timedeliciousomelets.Wewouldfeaston theomeletsand feast on our meditation on the holy scriptures and the writings ofMaryBakerEddy.

***

WhenIcompletedmystudiesinSwitzerland,IarrangedtogotoParisfortwoweeksonthewayhome.Iwasgoingtoflythere,checkintoahotelandjustseeParisonmyown.ButsinceIwasonlyseventeen,mySwissrelativeswouldn’thearofthis.SowhenIgotontheplane,therewasmywonderfulUncleWerner.HewasoneofthefivemenwhoweregeneralsintheSwissarmyduringtheSecondWorldWar.UncleWernershowedmeParis,andwhenheleft,helethisbusinesscolleaguestakemearound.ButusuallyIwasfreeinthedaytime.

Wearingmycamelhaircoatandsaddleshoes,IwalkedaroundParis,makingapilgrimage toeverychurchIcouldget to in thecourseof ten

days.Imusthavegoneintotwenty-fiveorthirtychurches,andIwenttoevery altar of each one. I knelt, I prayed, and I called to God for thepeopleofthecity,forpeace,aswellasforhimtousemeashisservant.Ilovedeverychurchinthatcity.

It was the Christmas season in Paris and it was foggy and misty.Sometimesitrained.ItwasasifPariswasmycityfortwoweeks.IwenttotheÎledelaCitétoseethehallsofjusticeandthecourts.Anicejudgebefriendedme,tookmeintothecourtroomsandexplainedthecasesandeverything thatwasgoingon. I spenta lotof time rightaroundSainte-Chapelleandthesurroundingarea,andIfeltthatIhadbeentherebefore.Itfeltlikehometurftome.

After this judge had finished showingme around, he asked tomeetmeafterworkandtakemetodinner.SoIwasthereatfiveo’clock,butIstartedgettingvery scaredandagreat fearof thismancameuponme.Looking around, I grabbed the back of a streetcar and left as fast as Icould.IknewthatIshouldn’tbearoundthismananymore.AsIlookedback on it later, it seemed to me that this person must have beensomebodyIbumpedintofromapastlifewhohadbroughtsomekindofharmtome.

One of the places I went to was a huge wholesale market whichoccupiesmanyblocksinacertaindistrictofParis.IwastoldthatitwasasighttoseeinParis,andifIwantedtoseetherealactivityinthismarket,Ishouldbethereatdawn.WhenIgotthere,Iwalkedaboutthemarket—asusual,inmycamelhaircoatandsaddleshoes—wondering,asalways,whyeverybodythoughtIwasanAmerican,notrealizingthatmycoatandshoesweretotallygivingitaway.

As I walked through the place, I saw vast quantities of vegetables,fruits and flowers. The flower part of the market was tremendous, anabundanceofmagnificentcutflowers.ThenallofasuddenIcameuponahuge section that sold meat. Whole carcasses of cows, pigs, lambs,chickensandeveryotherkindofmeatwerehangingfromracks—asolidwallofmeat.ItwasthefirsttimeinmylifeIhadeverseenawholesalemeatmarketoranykindofmarketwheretherewasanythingbutprecutmeat prepared and packaged for household consumption.And then and

thereIsaidtomyself,“Icannoteatmeatanymore.”FromthatdayforwardIdidnoteatmeatforanumberofyears.But

withoutanyunderstandingofthescienceofavegetariandietandsimplyeatingeverythingonthetableexceptthemeat,IdiscoveredthatIwasnotfeelingwelland Iwasgainingweight.Finally Icame to theconclusionthatIwasnotsuitedtobeingavegetarianandIwasnothealthyonthisdiet.SolittlebylittleIbeganeatingfishandthenmeatagain.

***

My time in Europe contributed a great deal tomy growing up andmymaturity.Foratseventeen,Iwenttherealone.Igotonaplane,flewaloneandtraveledalloverSwitzerlandalone.WithtrainpassesIrodealloverthe place anddid a lot of hitchhiking around the country. Iwas onmyownandhadtocompletelymanagemyownlife.IfIdidn’tgetupinthemorning,nobodygotmeup.IfIdidn’tstudy,nobodywastheretotellmeto study.Nobodywas there to tellmewhat to eat, how to live,who tohang around with or what to do. The journey was an expression ofindependence.

But even more than this, when I flew home from Paris on a rainyDecemberday in1956, Ibroughtbackamessage thathasstayed inmyheart ever since. It was the year of the Hungarian uprising, whenHungarianswerefightingagainstSoviettankswiththeirbarehandsandtheirbodies,andmore than two thousandwerekilled.Thenationswereoutraged, yet theUnited States, the great defender of freedom, did notcometotheHungarians’aid,becausetodosowouldhavemeantadirectconfrontationwith theSovietUnion.So insteadofcoming to theaidofpeople fighting for freedom,we stoodby and let not onlyHungary butlaterCzechoslovakiabedealtwithinthismanner.

IremembergoingtothedemonstrationsthatweretakingplaceinthestreetsofNeuchâtel.IrememberthecandlelightvigilsfortheHungarianrefugees, whom Switzerland, as a neutral nation, was receiving. Iremember the support andwelcomeSwitzerland gave to theHungarian

freedom fighters and the demonstrations that occurred simultaneouslyaroundtheworld.

The brutal destruction of the spirit of a people by the Soviets wasburnedinmysoul.Itwasanunforgettablemomentinmylife,onethatIbelieveshaped,inpart,myfutureandmymission.

22OtherRealms

OnedaymySundayschoolteacheraskedtheclass,“WhowantstobeaChristianSciencepractitionerwhenyougrowup?”ImmediatelyIraisedmyhand. Itwasnotadecisionof themoment. Ihad thoughtabout it alongtime.Ithoughtthemostgloriousthinginthewholewideworldthatanybody could do was to heal people, and I wanted to follow in thefootstepsofMaryBakerEddy.

IwasalreadyprayingforthesickinthewaythatIwastaughttodoinChristian Science—by affirming the absolute God-good where theappearanceofsin,diseaseordeathwaspresentandbydenyingthepoweroferror,orevil, tocreatethatappearanceoranymanifestationthatwasnot God-good. Of all the people I knew then, those whom I respectedmost and saw as role models were the Christian Science practitioners,especiallyMrs. Schofield. Their love and their devotion toGod and totheircallingimpressedme.IwantedtohelppeoplelessfortunatethanI,andIsawscientificprayeras thegreatestpoweravailable tomeat thatstageofmyspiritualdevelopment.

As the years passed, my prayers became more effective and morepowerful. I began praying for the healing of souls. I askedmy SundayschoolteacherifIcouldvisitChristianScientistswhowerebedriddentoreadtothemfromtheBibleandScienceandHealth,tocomfortthemandtoaffirmthetruthconcerningtheircondition.Oneofthechurchmembersdrove me to the homes of the elderly who were bedridden. My visitsmadethemhappyandmademehappytoo.

IpartookoftheWordofGodbyreadingChristianSciencetextsandthescripturesandbymeditatingon the law thatGodhadwritten inmyinwardparts.[28]And I listened to the voice ofGod that spokewith aqualityofunspeakablelove,ofwisdomIhadneverheardwiththeouterearbutonlywiththeinnerear.Itwasapresencesopowerfulastorenderimpotentthelesservoicesofthenight.

TheWord, the loveand the lawofGodweremyHolyCommunion,and I celebrated this Communion daily. I read in the Book of John,“ExceptyeeatthefleshoftheSonofman,anddrinkhisblood,yehaveno life inyou.”[29]Even then Iknew that the fleshandbloodof JesusChristwere the light-essenceof theFather-MotherGodand that ImustassimilatethespiritualsustenanceoftheBodyandBloodofmyLord.

I knew from the Old Testament that the name of God was I AMTHAT IAM, [30] so I took note of the statements of Jesus that beganwith the name of God—IAM the bread of life; IAM the light of theworld; IAMthedoorof thesheep; IAMthegoodshepherd; IAMtheresurrectionandthelife;IAMtheway,thetruthandthelife;IAMthevine,yearethebranches.[31]

About this time I read another book that inspired my faith. It wasNorman Vincent Peale’sThe Power of Positive Thinking for YoungPeople.HealsousedthenameIAMandincludedIAMaffirmationsinhisbook.

WhereverIdiscoveredaprincipleoralawinthewordsandworksofJesus,IaffirmedbythenameofGodIAMthatthatprincipleorthatlawwasactiveinme.ThenIlookedforJesus’“I”statements—suchas:IandmyFatherareone; Icanofmineownselfdonothing ...but theFatherthatdwellethinme,hedoeththeworks;myFatherworkethhitherto,andIwork; Imustwork theworksofhimthatsentme,while it isday: thenightcometh,whennomancanwork.[32]InallhumilityIaffirmedtheapplicability of these statements inmy life, for I believedwith allmyheart that Jesus intended me and every Christian to follow in hisfootsteps.Forhadhenotsaid:“Hethatbelievethonme,theworksthatIdoshallhedoalso;andgreaterworksthantheseshallhedo;becauseIgountomyFather”?[33]

I also took Mary Baker Eddy’s statements of the scientificaffirmationofChrist-truthandaffirmed theseasactivewithinme, asaleaven of light in my consciousness. By this means I sought to bringmyselfcloserandcloserinattunementwiththemindofGod.

Thecommandoftheapostle“Letthismindbeinyou,whichwasalsoin Christ Jesus”[34] rang in my heart like cathedral bells chiming the

cadencesofthemindofGod.IfGodwantsmetoletthemindofChristbe inme, and if I accept it and allow it and acclaim it, then thatmindmust becomemymind, and mymind must become the agency of themindofGod.Then,at thepointof themergingof the twominds, therecanbenodualitybutonlyonemind.

IsaweveryoneasapotentialextensionofthemindofGod.Isawthatwe all could dip into that universal intelligence.And aswe did so,wewouldbeextensionsofthatintelligence,evenassunbeamsareextensionsoftheGreatSunSource.

***

Ididn’tmakeafetishofChristianScience,butIpursuedthepracticeofitwith all my heart. It was my rock of Truth. But I had also come toChristian Science having already acquired my own worldview, whichincluded thedoctrinesofkarmaand reincarnation, thecontinuityof thesoul,andthesensethatIhadlivedbeforeandwouldcontinuetocoexistwithGodinthislifeandbeyond.

Christian Scientists deny karma and reincarnation, but I solidly,firmly,profoundlybelieved inkarmaand reincarnation from the time Ibegan to think.From the time I began to have cognition, I knew that Iantedated the body I was in. Those were givens. Those were a prioriawarenesses that I hadwithout everhaving tobe taught.Andwhenmymother told me that I had remembered a past life, I agreed with herbecausesomepartofmealreadyknewthat.ShewassimplyarticulatingitandconceptualizingitformeandgivingmearationaleregardingthejusticeofGod.

I also believed that there were angels who taught and comfortedGod’schildrenandnaturespiritswhotendedtheearthandtheseasonsasGod’s gardeners and our helpers. I sensed beings of light, masterfulpresencesandsaintsjustbeyondtheveilthatlimitedmyvisionintotheunseenworld.YetChristianScientistsdeniedtheirexistence.

IdidnotseetheSpiritcosmosandtheMattercosmosasseparate,but

matter as a step down, and many steps down in vibration, from thehighestfrequenciesofGod’slightbeyondphysicalmeasuring.Isawthatwhen the spinofmatterdecelerated toacertain level, itwas subject tocycles of disintegration, dissolution and—in the case of human, animalandplantlife—death.Therefore,whenIaffirmedtheunrealityofmatter,I was affirming the nonpermanence of all that could not sustain itselfindependently of God or Spirit. And that which could not holdpermanencycouldnotholdreality;henceitwasunreal.

WheneverIwascalledupontoreadthescripturesorleadtheLord’sPrayer,IfelttheimmediatetietoGod’sPresenceandtoourLord.Itwasmy highest calling andmymostmeaningful experience in both publicschoolandSundayschool.AndwhenIwasalone inmybedroom,apartfromhousehold chores andhomework, Iwas in anotherdimension as Iread theBibleand thewritingsofMaryBakerEddyand,asa senior inhighschool,thesayingsoftheBuddha.InthatcontemplationoftheWordofGodandthetruthwhichChristbroughttofreeusfromourmortality,Iknewtheuniversalityofalltruereligion.

IfoundinMaryBakerEddythefreespiritthatIalsowas,unconfinedinherunderstandingoftheeternaltruththatshediscovered.ButIfoundthat some Christian Scientists have a narrow, mentalistic approach topracticingChristianSciencehealingandtounderstandingthedoctrineofJesusChrist,whichMaryBakerEddydemonstratedbestbyherexample.

Jesushadspokenthewordstomyheart,“Iamtheopendoorwhichnomancanshut,”andIknewthatnoonecouldshutthedoortoJesus’heartthatmyLordhadopenedtomeunlessIallowedthemto.YetwhenItookup the study of Eastern religions—including Buddhism, Hinduism, thesayingsofConfuciusandthewayofLaoTzu—Iwastoldinnouncertainterms that Ishouldnot read thesebooks.Foraccording to theChristianScienceManualof theMotherChurch,“AsadherentsofTruth,we takethe inspired Word of the Bible as our sufficient guide to eternalLife.”[35]

Since I understoodmany things concerningGod’s law and his loveandhispresencewithme,IdecidedtofollowtheMotherofJesus,who“kept all these thingsandpondered them inherheart.”[36] For I loved

ChristianScience,Ilovedthechurch,IlovedmySundayschoolteachers,thepractitionersandthemembers.AndIknewIhadmuchtolearnfromthem,forIwasbutachild.

***

OnedayIopenedScienceandHealth,andmyeyesfelluponthesewordsfromtheheartofmybelovedleader:“TheSoul-inspiredpatriarchsheardthevoiceofTruth,andtalkedwithGodasconsciouslyasmantalkswithman.”[37]ThenandthereIknewthatMaryBakerEddyhadtalkedwithGodandthatmyownwalkingandtalkingwithGodwasjustifiedbyherexperience today as well as that of the patriarchs and prophets ofyesterday. And others, even in this day and age, are also having thisexperience.

OnedayIprayedtoJesus toknowwhatmysteryhewouldreveal tome. I asked him to direct me to the text inMrs. Eddy’s writings thatwould open a door. It was as though the Master had his hand on thedoorknob ready to open the door and I hadbut to ask.With a sense ofanticipation,IpickedupScienceandHealthandletitfallopenwhereitwould.ItwastheconclusionofMrs.Eddy’s“KeytotheScriptures.”HerstatementwasthatSaintJohn’svisioninRevelation“istheacmeofthisScience[ChristianScience]astheBiblerevealsit.”[38]

Eagerly I opened the Book of Revelation at random, aware of theMaster’scloseness.Ireadchapter7:

“After this Ibeheld,and, lo,agreatmultitude,whichnomancouldnumber, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stoodbefore the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, andpalmsintheirhands;

“And cried with a loud voice, saying, Salvation to our God whichsittethuponthethrone,anduntotheLamb.

“Andalltheangelsstoodroundaboutthethrone,andabouttheeldersand the four beasts, and fell before the throne on their faces, and

worshippedGod.“Saying,Amen:Blessing, andglory, andwisdom,and thanksgiving,

and honour, and power, andmight, be unto ourGod for ever and ever.Amen.

“And one of the elders answered, saying unto me, What are thesewhicharearrayedinwhiterobes?andwhencecamethey?

“AndIsaiduntohim,Sir,thouknowest.Andhesaidtome,Thesearetheywhich came out of great tribulation, and havewashed their robes,andmadethemwhiteinthebloodoftheLamb.

“ThereforearetheybeforethethroneofGod,andservehimdayandnight inhis temple:andhe that sittethon the throneshalldwellamongthem.

“Theyshallhungernomore,neitherthirstanymore;neithershallthesunlightonthem,noranyheat.

“FortheLambwhichisinthemidstofthethroneshallfeedthem,andshallleadthemuntolivingfountainsofwaters:andGodshallwipeawayalltearsfromtheireyes.”[39]

Iwasreadytoknowthemysteryof thesaintsrobedinwhite.Ireadtheseversesthreetimesandsmiledthesmileofspiritualgladness.ForIhadbeenfeelingthepresenceofbeingsof“whiteness”whomIhadonlyglimpsed in shafts of light like sunbeams. I felt their love andcompanionship. These friends of the Spirit were not astral, shadowedforms of lowerworlds. Theywere in the glory of theLord. TheywerefriendsIhadknownbeforeandwouldknowagain.Theconcretebarriersoftimeandspacecouldnotkeepthemfromme.

Theveilwasthinning.Thetime-spacereferenceofmylifewasbutabandofconsciousnessthatmarchedthroughtimeless,spacelessrealmsofheaven in 4/4 time.And heaven was all around me, up and down andsideways.Thesesouls,the“saintsrobedinwhite,”werefreeinthelightof Christ. Some of them would go out no more, would never againdescend through the tunnel of incarnation. For they had washed theirrobes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Others were

scheduledtoreturnoncemoretofinishtheunfinishedworkoftheLordonearth.

Iwashappy inauniverse teemingwith life, for Iwasapartof thatlife.IleanedbackfrommydesktoponderwhatIhadreadandwhatIhadseen.ForasJohnhadwrittenit,inthatmomentasIreadit,Iwasseeingit.Andas I leanedback,myeyespassed throughandbeyond the floralpatternonmyyellowwallpaper.Iwasinanotherdimension.

IthoughtaboutarecentexperiencewhenIwaswater-skiingdowntheNavesink River. Hugh, a Christian Scientist I had met at church, hadtakenmeoutinhisboatandIhadskiedallafternoon.HowIhadenjoyedthat freedom of movement, gliding over the water, that salt air andsunshine and, for a few hours, that sense of not having a care in thecosmos.Asweapproachedabridge,thewatergotchoppy.Imadeupmymindtostayonthoseskis,soIfocusedonthewaterwithadeterminedeye,lockedinanddidit.

As we passed under the bridge, I passed into another plane. I wasawarethatmyfocusinthenextplanewasjustassharpasithadbeeninthis planewhen I had beenmeasuring thosewaves andmy response tothem amoment before. Iwas not daydreaming. Iwas alert and in fullpossession of my faculties, even of those soul faculties that now andagainhadtakenmeoutsidetheboundariesofmyday-to-dayworld.

Still onmy skis, Iwas suspended in a placewhere spiritual beingsdwelt.TheywereawareofmeasIwasawareofthem.Theywerejoyousinthelight.Theyradiatedlove.Thoughtheyseemedtobeabovemeatadistance,yettherewasnodistance.Ouraurastouched.Theirjoyandlightpassedintome,andIremembersaying,“WhyareyouthereandwhyamIhere?Whatisthemission?”

There was no other communication. The parting of the veil, theopeningofadoorandthecontactwasalltherewas.Butthat“all”wasaslice of eternity that would last me a lifetime. My horizons were nolongerlimitedbytherisingandthesettingsun,butonlybythecyclesofheaven’sappearing.

***

Returningtotherevelationathandandcomparingittomyencounterontheriver,ItookupmyconcordancetoScienceandHealthandtheworksofMaryBakerEddy. I looked up all of her references to “beings” and“immortals”;Iwantedtoknoweverythingmyteacherhadtosayonthesubject. Perhaps I could find in herwritings somepoint of comparisonbetweenherexperienceandmine.

I found more than I had expected, and I gained insight into thespiritual reality thatwasapartofherworld. InScienceandHealth shewrote: “Advancing spiritual steps in the teeminguniverseofMind leadon tospiritualspheresandexaltedbeings.”[40]“Mortalswilldisappear,andimmortals,orthechildrenofGod,willappearastheonlyandeternalverities of man.”[41] “The universe of Spirit is peopled withspiritualbeings,anditsgovernmentisdivineScience.”[42]

InthesestatementsIhadtheconfirmationthatIwasonfirmground.Mrs.Eddydidnotwriteanintellectualtreatise;ofthatIwascertain.Shewrote the statement of her direct experience with God and his divinescience.TheapplicationofthatdivinesciencetotheworldinwhichweliveshenamedChristianScience.ButshedidnotcommittowritingallofthemysteriesthatGodandJesusChristhadrevealedtoher.Someofthe truths were given only to advanced students or her householdstaff.[43]Othersshecommunicatedtonoone.

Mrs. Eddy’s testimony of the Science of Mind was her directexperiencewiththatscience.Whenshespokeof“theteeminguniverseofMind,”shewasnotofferingamerehypothesis.Shewasattestingtoherdirectawarenessofspiritualspheresandexaltedbeings.Whenshespokeof “immortals, or the childrenofGod,” shewasmaking a statementofher own experience.When she said, “The universe of Spirit is peopledwith spiritual beings,” she placed before her students the gloriouspanorama of the planes of heaven to which souls advance as theygraduatefromearth’sschoolroom.

The spiritual beings and the government of divine science were

knowntoMaryBakerEddy.Ibelievethatbeforeshepassedon,shehadalready entered thatworld, andultimately shedid join the ranksof theimmortals who had visited her during her earthly mission. Theycomfortedherthroughhertrialsandtribulationsastheyhavecomfortedthesaintsthroughouttheages.

Today I know that these saints robed in white, whom John theRevelator revealed, are the ascended masters. They are the sons anddaughters of Godwhomake up the company of saints robed in white,whomJesusrevealedtoMrs.EddyjustashehadrevealedthemtoJohn.

Ialsobearwitnesstothismysteryofthekingdom.Foronthatday,inthegoldenglowofmyroom,Jesusopenedthedoorandrevealedtomethe actuality of Revelation—and the actuality of Mrs. Eddy’sconfirmation of this scripture.And I am convinced that this vision canandwill come toanydiscipleofChrist-truthwhowill inclinehis innerearandhisheart,hisspiritualvisionandhissoulfacultiestotherealitiesofGodthatareallaroundus,evenpressinginuponus.

Mrs.Eddy’sownadvancingspiritualstepsintheteeminguniverseofmind led her to the feet of her IAM Presence, as she revealed in herpoem“ChristandChristmas”:

ForChristianSciencebringstoviewThegreatIAm,—Omniscientpower,—gleamingthroughMind,mother,man.[44]

ThusshesawthatGodisnorespecterofpersons,thatthegreatIAMas the omniscient power of theAlmighty manifests through male andfemale. The I AM Presence is personified for each one, providingintimateandunceasingcommunionwithGod.

***

Before I finished high school, I had another experience in which myspiritualsenseswereheightened.ItwasabeautifulsunnydayandIwasonmyweeklywalktoSundayschool.IwaspraisingGodinthewordsofthePsalmist:

“PraiseyetheLORD.PraiseyetheLORDfromtheheavens:praisehimintheheights.

“Praiseyehim,allhisangels:praiseyehim,allhishosts.“Praiseyehim,sunandmoon:praisehim,allyestarsoflight.“Praisehim,yeheavensofheavens,andyewatersthatbeabovethe

heavens.“LetthempraisethenameoftheLORD:forhecommanded,andthey

werecreated.”[45]

AsIsaidthesewords,gentlyIwasbeinglifted,perhapsonthewingsofmysongofpraise,totherealmoflightwhosedoorhadbeenopenedtomebyJesus.Beyondtheskyandclouds,Isaw,inmysoul—Idon’tknowwhatotherphrasetouse—“amultitudeoftheheavenlyhost.”[46]

BythetimeIarrivedatthechurchparkinglot,Iwasinundatedwithanoverwhelmingjoy.MyfriendDickFontainewasjustgettingoutofhisstation wagon. I remember exclaiming to him, “Dick, somethingwonderfulisgoingtohappeninmylife!”

Ithoughttomyselfthatthismustbeaspecialday.Itwasasthoughallof thevisibleskywasfilledwithnumberlessnumbersofangelsandbrightspiritswhowerepraisingGod,andIhadbeenallowedtowitnessthegloryofGodthatwasuponthem.

Yet it was so personal.Again, they all knewme and I knew them.Again, itwas the partingof the veil and the contactwith other realms.ThejoyandthegloryoftheLordwaswithmefordays.AsIwrite,Iamthrilled anew by the mere touching of the record of this momentousoccasioninmylife.ThatdayinSundayschoolIwasdistractedfromthelessonasIponderedthewhyandthewherefore.Icametotheconclusionthat thegiftofGod tome thatSundaywas thepromiseof themission.

Thewordsofthehymnwereinmyheart:“TheearthshallbefilledwiththegloryofGod/Asthewaterscoverthesea.”[47]

I had never doubted, from the time I was conscious of having athoughtprocess,thatGodhadcalledmetoamissionandthathewhohadcalled me would fulfill what he had purposed to do through me. Ibelieved thatGod’s teachingwouldgo forth and thatGod’sownwouldhaveamightyvictory.Ihadthesenseofanabout-to-happengreatglory.

On that day Iwas strengthened inmy one-pointedness in preparingforthegoal.Ididn’thavetoknowexactlywhatthemissionwouldbe,butIknewthatIhadtoprepareforit.Forwhenitwasreadyforme,Ihadtobereadyforit.

***

Around graduation time, when my life in Red Bank was drawing to aclose,Ihadonefinalexperienceofotherrealms.OneSundaymorningIwasstandingonthechurchstepsaftertheserviceasthecongregationandchildrenweremillingabout.IwasfilledwiththelightthatIhadbecomeaccustomedtoreceivingSundayafterSunday.Suddenly,Ifoundmyselfturningaroundabruptlytowardoneofthepillars,evenasIsaidaloudtomyself,“Why,Ihavetomakemyascensioninthislife!”

The power of those words came upon me as a fiat of the Lord. Icouldn’tbelievewhatIhadsaid.ChristianSciencehadnevertaughtmethatIoranyoneelsewasto“ascend,”inthatspecificterminology.WhenIspokethewords,simultaneouslyIknewwhattheymeant,thoughIhadnot been taught theirmeaning—not onmymother’s knee, not byMrs.SchofieldandnotatSundayschool.

ForuncountedmomentsIwasrivetedtothespot.IfeltthepresenceofanemissaryofGodandapowerthatwasawesome.[48]IacceptedthedecreeoftheLordformylife.ItwasasthoughIhadbeenrepolarizedtothe Polestar ofmyBeing, theGreat IAM.Now I knew the end of themission.Toarriveatthatdestination,Iwouldhavetofindouthowtogoaboutmakingmyascensioninthislife.

***

My life inRedBankwould soonbeending. I saw it as aprologue thatwouldsoonbethepast.Imminently,Ithought,chapteronemustbegin.

ButjusthowimminentwastobetheencounterthatwouldsendmeonmysearchIdidnotknow.

23SaintGermain

Aftergraduatingfromhighschool, theworldwasatmydoorstep,andIwasabouttostepoffintoalifeofnewopportunitiesandexcitingpeople.ItwasSeptember1957,andIwasreadytogotoNewYorkCitytocatchthetraintocollege.ButIwondered,“BeforeIleave,isthereanythinginthis house inRedBank thatwould helpme onmyway?” Iwas sure Iwouldn’tbecomingback.

AsIstoodinthelibrary,IprayedtoGodandsaid,“DearGod,thankyouformyparents,myhome,myschoolingandallthatyouhavegivenme.Ifthereisanythingthatyouhaveplacedhereforme,formybenefit,whichIhavenotavailedmyselfof,please tellme,becauseI’mleavingandI’mnotcomingback.”

I didn’t expect the thunderous reply that I received. As soon as Ioffered that prayer, the voice of God was in my temple, in my verybosom,and itwasspeaking tomeandgivingmeadirectorder:“Go tothatbookcase,pickupthatbookandreadit.”Iknewverywellwhat“thatbook”was.ItwasabookIhadseenontheshelfsincechildhood,andIwasafraidofthatbook.Itwaslikeabookofenergysittingthere,andIfeltthatifIhappenedtopickitup,itwouldchangemylife.ThroughoutmychildhoodIwouldwalkarounditandlookatitandthentiptoeaway.AndyetIwouldalwaysbedrawnbacktoit.Itwasamagnet.

I said tomyself, “Nowyou’re in for it!You’ve asked, you’ve beentold,youcan’tdisobey.Sogoandgetthatbook.”SoIwentandgotthebook,The“IAM”Discourses, byGodfréRayKing. I thought itwouldprobablytakemealldaytounderstandwhatwasinit,soIsankdownintoanoldleatherchairwithmylegsoverthearmandopenedthebook.

BeforeIevencametothetext,Isawaportraitofamaster,whomIrecognizedinstantly.Ilookedintothatfaceanditwasasthoughtheeyeswere talking tome.I recognizedhim, thoughIhadneverseenanythinglikeitbefore.Ireadthenameunderneath,SaintGermain.

AsIlookedintohiseyes,thatfacebecamealiveandquickened.Iwasmeeting one I had always known. I had tapped into a soul memory,recognizinghimasprobablytheoldestfriendIhadeverknown.

Ileapedoutofthatchairabouttwofeetandrantomymotherinthekitchen.Isaid,“Mother,SaintGermain!Iknowhim.I’vegottofindhim.I’vegotaworktodoforhim.Doyouknowhim?”

Shesaid,“Yes,Iknowhim.”Isaid,“Mother,whydidn’tyouevertellmeabouthim?”Shesaid,“Iwantedyoutodiscoverhimforyourself.”“Well,”Ithoughttomyself,“eighteenyearsofwastedlife.Hereitis,

Ifinallyfoundhim.Iwonderifshewasgoingtowait till Iwaseighty-fivetotellmeaboutSaintGermain.”AndsoIsaid,“Well,I’vegottogooutandfindhim.”

***

Inthemomentthatmysoulmemoryhadbeenquickened,asIlookedintoSaintGermain’seyes,IrecalledanexperiencethatIhadbeforeenteringthislife.

Iwasstandinginagreatjudgmenthallbeforeabarofsevenbeingsoflight of beautiful stature. They were robed in white. Their eyes wereprofound,andtheirexpressionscontainedthedepthsofancientwisdom,ofimmensecompassion.TheyseemedtospanthecenturiesasemissariesofGodtohischildrenonearth.

Iwasstandingbeforethebarandtheywereinasemicirclebeforeme.SaintGermainwasstandingtomyright,exactlyashewasinthepaintingin thebook.Behindmewereothers of the ascendedmasters. Itwas animportantceremony.

Iwas standing inmy full consciousnessand Iunderstood that thesewereemissariesofGod. Ihadcomebefore them to reviewwhatwouldhappen in this lifetime—the family I would be born into, the religion,place and country, the karma I was bringingwithme and the karma Iwould be required to balance, what the mission would be, what the

offeringofmylifeinthecommunitywouldbe.Iheardmyselfsaying,“SaintGermain,Ivowtogotoearthandbring

yourteachingtoGod’speople.”AfterImadethatsolemnpromise,SaintGermainplacedhishanduponmyheadandblessedme.ThenIrememberentering a fiery vortex of light, like a tornado, and the veil offorgetfulness descended overme,makingme forget who I was before,making me forget the solemn ceremony I had just witnessed, until Irecallediteighteenyearslaterinthelibraryofmyparents’home.

The event I recalled is something every person must go throughbefore embodying again on earth. When the veil of forgetfulnessdescendsoverusatbirth,wenolongerhavetherecallofourpastlivesorthepurposeofournewembodiment.Mostofusdonotremember.IdidnotrememberexceptforthemasterSaintGermainshowingme.

ForthenextfiveyearsafterIsawhispictureinthebook,IsearchedforSaintGermainontheouter.Inwardly,Iwalkedandtalkedwithhim,asIwaswonttodowithJesusChrist—oneat therighthand,oneat theother.

Ihadareallivingrelationshipwiththesemasters,andIfoundthatallhellwould break loose to oppose this relationship and to intrude otherrelationshipsandindividualsuponme.Ifoundthatwiththepresenceofotherpeoplearoundme,inasecondIcouldforgetmyrelationshipwiththe ascended masters.All of a sudden I would realize that for fifteenminutesorahalfanhourIhadn’tthoughtofSaintGermainorJesus,andIwasmoreconsciousofphysicalbeingsthanIwasofspiritualbeings.

IrememberwalkingaroundNewYorkCityvisualizingSaintGermainononehand and Jesuson theother. Iwasdefinitely communicating tothem,andonefinedaytheyansweredback.

24AntiochCollege

In the spring of 1957 I was accepted to Pembroke College at BrownUniversity,DouglassCollege atRutgers, andAntiochCollege. I shouldhavemadeitmybusinesstogettoBrown,butIdidn’tthinkmyparentswould be able to swing it financially. Itwas too expensive.One of theterriblememoriesofmyyouthiswhenIwassittinginclassonedayandtheschoolsecretarycametothedoorandsaid,“BrownUniversityisonthephoneforyou.Willyoucomeandtakethecall?”AndIsaidno.

Ihadsolittlehope.IthoughttherewasnowayIwasgoingtobeabletoattendBrownUniversity.Myparentsweren’tgoingtopayforit.SoIdidn’teventry;Ididn’tevenapplyforascholarship.ThisistheburdenIwas under, and I think that the angelsmust havewept and themastersmustnothaveknownwhattodobecauseofmystateofconsciousness.Ifeltsobeatendownbythecircumstancesofmylife.

ThebestscholarshipofferIgotwasfromAntiochCollegeinYellowSprings,Ohio.AllthatIhadeverheardaboutAntiochCollegewasthatitwasfoundedbyHoraceMannandthatithadaco-opsystem.

Theybelievedinworkingoffcampusaspartofyoureducationtofindoutwhatyouwantedtobe,tomature,toberesponsibleandtotakepartincommunity life.Youwould get a co-op job inwhatever youwanted tomajor in. For example, if youwanted to be a doctor, in your freshmanyearyoucouldbeanorderlyinahospital.Businessesalloverthecountryparticipated in the program, andAntioch sent them people to fill theirpositionstwelvemonthsoutoftheyear.SoIthought,“Thisisgreat.I’mgoingtoAntioch.”

When I got to Antioch, I realized that these people were not mypeople. I felt Ihadmadeamistake ingoing there theminute Iarrived,because it was a beatnik crowd, liberal to the extreme, falling-off-the-table left wing. I could have called up Brown University and said, “Imade amistake.Can I transfer formy second semester?”But Iwas so

conditionedtofeelbadaboutmyself,Ididn’tdoit.IfeltlikeIwasalmosttheonlygirloncampuswhohadanyreligion

andwhowouldnotparticipateintheimmoralityofcampuslifethatwassorampantthere.Ifeltthatthatlifewasfineforthemiftheywantedit,but itwasn’t forme.Andeven thoughIhad littleself-esteem,I thinkIknewwhoIwasandwhereIwasgoing,andIwasabletostandupagainstthecrowd.

So I became a recluse. I lived a monastic life in the midst of anextremelyliberalcampus,andImadeupmymindwhatIwastherefor.Iworked in thebasementof the library in the stacks, I studiednightandday,Itookanextraloadofcoursesanddidaboutthreeyearsworkintwo.For therewas no point in entering into the type of social life thatwasgoingonthere.

MostpeopleImetatAntiochdidnotbelieveinGod,andquiteafewupperclassmen attempted to convince me that there was no God. OfcourseIhadaprofoundbelief inGod.I rememberwalkingout into thesnow alone one night, looking up into the stars and attempting toconceiveofacosmoswithoutGod.IputmyfeetinthefootprintsofthosewhocouldexperienceauniversewithoutGod.

ThiswasthefirsttimeinmylifethatIhaddonethis,becauseforaslong as I had ever been, I had known of the presence of God. But Ichanged the dial of my consciousness and imagined this. There I was,suspended alone in an infinite cosmos as far as the stars could be seenandbeyond,andtherewasnoGod.

Iwalkedaboutinthatmind-setforawhileandIsawtheabsurdityofit.AndthesenseofthevoidandthenothingnesswithoutGod’spresencewastruly,tome,proofinitselfthattherewasaGod.Thisexperiencewasprofound. Itwas as thoughGodwas allowingme to experience all thatexistswithouthimandtoseewhatitwouldbelike.SoIturnedoffthatdialandwasbackwhere I alwayshadbeen, in the infinitepastand theinfinitefuture,centeredintheomnipresenceofGod.

Ihadmy trialby fireandallofmy testsatAntiochCollege.And IpassedthemwithoutknowingIwaspassingthem.

***

Academically,AntiochCollegeiswellknownforitsinnovationinhighereducation.IrememberanexperimentalcourseingeologyinwhichIwaswith the group that had to learn the course on its own, without aprofessor.Ihadcomefromatraditionaltypeofschool,beingpresentedinformationandgivingitbackontests.AtAntiochIlearnedthegreatjoyof discovering all kinds of information in the various fields of history,literature,science,physics,andsoforth,inamethodofeducationwhereitwasuptotheindividualtodeterminehisownpursuitofknowledgeandhisowndevelopmentofthecourse.Onmyown,withoutaninstructor,Ihadthejoyoflearningfromthebookandthelaboratoryexperimentsandthereforecontactingtheinnerteacher.

Sometimes Iwas impatient that I had to be self-taught and that theburdenof learningwasbeingputbackonmewhenIwaspayingforaneducation.ButIrealizenowthatmyfreshmanyearinthatschoolwasoneof the greatest liberations I had ever known thus far in life. Theindependenceandtheindividualityofthestudentwererecognized,andIwasabletoregainwhatperhapsIhadnotfullyhadasachildbetweentheagesoftwoandseven.

***

AtAntiochIhadagoodfriendwhowasmyGermanprofessor.Hishomewasaplacewherestudentswouldgototalkandforsocialgatherings.IrememberspeakingwithhimonedayinhisofficeatatimewhenIwasputtingalotofeffortintoGermanandtellinghimthatIwasstudyingandyetfeelingthatIwasnotexcellingasmuchasIoughttobe.HetoldmeaboutastudenthehadwhowouldcometohisofficeandhadreadeveryGermanbookon theshelf. I thought tomyself,“Well, Icertainlydon’tstudyGermanthathard.”Andhesaidtome,“Youknowthisisnotyourmajor.Thisisnotthethingtowhichyouarereadytogiveyourlife.”

Ashesaidthistome,Ilookedathisshelvesandrealizedinmyheart,

“He’s right. Ican’tgivemy life tobeinganexpert inGerman. It’s justnotme.”Thatmademestart thinking.“Well,what is it that Icanpourmylifeinto?Whatisitthatmeansmoretomethananythingelseintheworld?”

Myconclusionwas that itwasGod.Somewayor another, I had toserveGod.

When Iwas preparing to go to college and trying to determinemymajor,Iwasconsideringmajoringinmusic,artorlanguages.However,Irealized,“HerearethesethingsthatIcando.Butwhatdifferencedoesitmake if I can do them? I can see the end from the beginning. If I gothroughthesecourses,I’llgetmydegreeandhaveacareer.Butsowhat?ImightbefamousorImightnot,butIwon’tbefulfilled.”

AtthattimeIwouldtalktoGodagreatdealabouteverything—whatIwasdoing,howIcouldservehimandhowIcouldfindoutmoreoftheplanandtheteaching.SoonedayIwastalkingwithGodaboutwhatmymajorincollegeshouldbe,andhesaid,“Iwantyoutomajorinpoliticalscienceandeconomics.”

I said, “Political science?What am I going to do with a major inpoliticalscience?”

And he said, “You have to understand the governments and theeconomiesofthenations.Youhavetounderstandwhat’sgoingonintheworld,becausetheworldisheadingforaveryseverecrisis.Anduntiltheproblemsofthegovernmentsandtheeconomiesareresolved,thereisnopoint inyoubecomingamusicianoranartistora linguist,becauseweneedactioninthebattleandonthefrontline.”

SoIthought,“Well,ifthatiswhatGodneeds,that’swhatI’lldo.”SoI majored in political science and economics. These subjects werecertainlynoteasyforme.Theyweredifficultcourses,butIrealizedthatthiswassomething thatwasneeded. Ihad tohave theunderstandingofwhatwashappeningintheworldinordertofulfillmymission.

I took the courses I was told to take by the inner voice of God. Istudiedhard.ButIalsohadmymomentsofgreatdiscouragementandofwondering, “What is all this for? It’s somuch useless learning.” So inordertosurvive,Ihadtoapproachthesubjectmatterthroughthemindof

God. Ihad tokeeponesideofmynotebookforwhat theprofessorwassayingandtheothersideforwhatthevoiceofGodwassaying.IwouldallowGodtobemyteacherandtutorme.AndthewondrousrevelationsthatGodwouldgive tomeonany subject Iwas taking,whether itwasmathematicsorsocialsciencesoreconomics,keptmeafloat.Itwasnotonlyinspiring,butIwasbeingfedmannafromthemindofGodwhilemysoulwas starving in the lowlands of themental plane onwhich peopleweretryingtokeepme.

***

During the time Iwas atAntiochCollege, I found out that I had led asheltered life inRedBank,New Jersey. It’s a small town, and I hardlyleft itatallexceptwhenIwenttoBeachHavenandtoSwitzerlandandspent twosummers inMaine. Ihadnevereven seenPhiladelphiaorallthe landmarksofAmericanhistory thatwereonly sixtymiles frommyhouse. My parents never even drove me there for the weekend to seeIndependenceHall.

EventhoughImightregretthatIdidn’tgotoBrownUniversityandhave the typical IvyLeague experience, Iwouldhavebeen sheltered atBrown also. And if I had been sitting in Providence, Rhode Island, Iwouldn’t have gone to Boston, I wouldn’t have met Mark Prophet. Iwouldn’t have had the accumulation of experiences thatmaturedme agreatdealinmycollegeyears.

Even though these things led tomebecomingdisillusionedwith theworld, during those years I was fast and furiously having experienceswith all kinds of people Imet at theU.N. and inmy other co-op jobs.NowIcanseethatIwasbeingexposedtoeverythingunderthesuninthisperiodsothatIwouldgetaclearpictureofwhatthatworldwas,whatIwouldbeleaving,thechallengesthatwereinthatworld,andwhatIhadtoworktoward.AnditturnedoutthattherewasonlyashorttimeformetobeintheworldbeforeIbeganmytrainingasamessenger.

When Iwas in high school, Iwould look at the homes inRumson,

NewJersey,andthink,“Wouldn’t itbewonderful tomarryanattorney,live inRumsonandbenear thebeachandhaveaboatandbringupmykids.”ItwastheonlylifeIknewatthattime.

Butthatisnotthewaymylifeturnedout.AndIwouldn’thavebeenveryhappyifIhaddonethat.Iprobablywouldhaveendedupdivorcingwhomever Imarried in that social scene.So I amhappywith the life Ilived and the experiences I had. For I believe that all my experiencescontributed something to my becoming an adult and being able to becontentwithmylifeofservice.

***

Inmyfirstyearofcollege,IreadMohandasGandhi’sbookTheStoryofMy Experiments with Truth. When I first read this book, I was soimpressedbyhowcandidthismanwas.Herecordedeverythinghecouldrememberabouthimself.

This iswhyGandhi is so loved, because he paints the portrait of ahumanbeing.Hepaints theportraitof someonewho ispassing throughthe experiences thatwe all have, and he becomes real.He’s not a god;he’sahumanbeing,likeallofus.Andbecauseheovercameandheledanentirenationbyhisfastidiousdedicationtotruth,wehavesomehopeinourownlives,eventhoughwemayhavehadtheseproblems.

You also see in this book a life that he lives because he discoverstruthandheactsonit.Hedoesnotjustsittherephilosophizingaboutthetruth or reading books about it.He doesn’t say, “I’m going to livemyprivate life. I’m going to do my thing. I’m not going to take anyresponsibility foranyorganizationoranymovement.”Whatevercomesintohisawarenessthathebelievesin,hemusttakeactionformillionsofpeople.

In later years I learned from the masters that Gandhi’s karma hadbeensetasideinthatlifeforanincarnationofworldservice.ThisiswhyGandhi does not emerge as a saint in the most hallowed sense of theword,likeRamakrishna,forexample.Hiswasapathofkarmayoga,and

hiskarmawasn’tbalancedenoughtopropelhimtothosespiritualheightstheHindusrecognizeinanavatar,anincarnationofGod.

Gandhihadaheavykarma.Itgotsetaside,andhecameintothatlifeandperformedhismissiontoperfection.Bythatmission,hebalancedagreat deal of karma, but not all, and therefore he did not make hisascension but returned into embodiment to balance the karma that hadbeensetaside.

***

While I was at Antioch, I outlined the affirmations inThe “I AM”Discourses. Iwould say thewords as an affirmation and repeat itwithgreat intensity in my feeling world. That’s all I knew to do. I had noknowledgeofthestep-upofthedecreeoritsaccelerationinwhatIknowtodayastheScienceoftheSpokenWord.ButIputmyselfonacourseofdailydoingcertainexercisesfromthisbook,andInoticedastupendouschangeinmylifewhenIwoulddoit.

Thiswasdifficulttodoinadormwithotherstudents,withtheburdenofclassesandotheractivities,andnooneelsearoundmewhounderstoodthispath.Ididitforawhile,didn’tdoitforawhile,pickeditupagain,andsoforth.Butthiswasthebeginningofmyapplicationofthelawofthe spokenWord, and Inoticed itspowerful effects. Itwasanamazingexperience.

InmyfreshmanyearatAntioch, Ihadanexperiencewith theWordwhich was so powerful that it was almost frightening. I needed to gethomeforChristmas,butIdidn’thavearideandIhadn’tmadeanyplansfor how Iwas going to get home. I had thought Iwas going to stay atAntioch through theChristmas vacation, but I decided, no, I had to gohometoNewJerseyasquicklyasIcouldgetthere.

IwasstandinginthestreetsomewhereinYellowSpringsandIburstintoaprayer:“OGod,getmeoutof thisplace,andgetmeoutofheretoday. I have to get home!” There was a fire in my heart that simplyleapedinthosewords.

ThenIreturnedtothedormitorytopackmythings.NosoonerhadanhourpassedwhenIwalkedoutofmyroomintothehall.Someoneyelledupthestairwell,“AnybodygoingtoNewJersey?Anybodyneedaride?”Isaid tomyself, “That’s it.He’s here to takeme home.”And so I said,“I’mgoingtoNewJersey.Youcantakeme.”

The girls in my dorm were horrified. They said, “What? Are youcrazy? You’re going to travel from here to New Jersey with a totalstranger?Youdon’tknowthisperson!”

Hewas in theair forceandhehaddrivenupfromWright-PattersonAir Force Base. I had hardly slept for three or four days since I wastaking finals, and Ihadn’thada shower either. I climbed into thebackseat,laydownandslept.HestoppedatvariousHowardJohnsonsontheway and broughtme orange juice. I’dwake up, drink the juice and gobacktosleep.IsleptallthewayfromAntiochtothedoorofmyhouseinRedBank.Somewherealongthewayheaskedmetogotobedwithhim,and I toldhim I didn’t do that.Sohe respected that and just drovemehome.

God had sent him to takeme home and Iwas there in twenty-twohours.Hedrovenonstop.My father looked atmewhen I arrivedhomewiththissoldier.Hedidn’tlikethattoomuch.Iwasonlyeighteenatthetime.

WhenIthoughtaboutthisexperience,Iwasfrightened,becauseIhadcalledtoGodandthemanifestationoftheanswerwassoclear.Therewasapowerintheuniverseandthatpowerresponded.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know that God was an ever-present, lovingbeing inmy life. But I was beginning to see that there was a force, apower,anenergyandascienceinvolved.Somehow,whenthefirewelledup within me with such intensity, it seemed to create a fountain thatwould reachGod,Godwouldarchisenergyback,and thematrix Ihadsentforthwouldinstantlybefulfilled.

IknewthatIwasstandinginthepresenceofatremendouspower,andIbegantothinkhowverynearthatpowerisandwhatthatpowercoulddowhenmankinddiscoveredit.ThiswasthebeginningoftheformulationinmyheartoftheScienceoftheSpokenWord.

25SummerCamp

AftermyfirstyearatAntiochCollege,Itookaco-opjobinthesummerof1958asacampcounselorinVermont.ÉcoleChamplainwasasummercampforgirlswhoseparentswantedthemtospeakFrenchallsummer,soallthecounselorsandeverybodytherewereFrench-speaking.TheyhiredmebecauseIwasfairlyfluent.IwasthemotherinoneofthedormsandIranthestoreforthecamp.Ithoughtitwasagreatplacetobe.Iwasn’tgoingtogohomeandlollaroundatmyparents’houseforthesummer.Iwasgoingtodosomethinginteresting,andthiswasespeciallyinterestingtome.

I was put in a position of disciplining high-school girls who werefifteenandsixteen.Thegirlsweresupposedtohavelightsoutatnineorteno’clock,buttheydidn’twanttogotobed.Theywantedtosneakoutandhangoutwiththeboysintheneighboringcamp.Theywantedtotalkhalfthenightandwouldmakequitearuckus.Iwasonlytwoyearsolderthan theywere, and Iwas supposed to go in there and discipline thesegirls.Itwasabsolutelyimpossible.

Onenightwhile thesegirlswerecarryingon, I satona rockby thelakeandcalledtoGod,“God,don’tever,inallmylife,everagainputmein a position of responsibility over anybody or having to disciplineanybody,becauseIdon’twanttodoit.Idon’twanttohavetotellpeoplewhattodo.Idon’twanttohavetofaceallthisenergyandallthatIhavetogothrough.AnythingelseI’lldo,butdon’tmakemehavetodisciplinepeople.”

This was one of my most fervent prayers before I became amessenger,beforeIevenknewofthatrole.Lookingbackonthis,Ifeelthat this is the exact prayer that God has to hear before he will putsomeone in charge of others. For there is often an immensemisuse ofpowerthatcomesuponpeoplewhentheydesirepowerandtheyareputinpositionsofauthority.

***

Duringcampwehadaweekendoff.IgottogetherwithtwooftheothercounselorsatthecampwhowereFrench;theydidn’tspeakmuchEnglishatall.WedecidedtogohitchhikingtoseeVermontandNewHampshirebecausenoneofushadeverseenthembefore.

I plannedwherewewould go and Iwas aware of being guided.Atevery stop we would see whatever it was we had come to see. Then Iwould get the direction inside ofme that a carwas coming thatwouldtakeus to the next placewehadplanned to go.So Iwould say, “Let’shurryup!We’vegottogetbacktotheroad.”Assoonaswewouldgettothe road, therewouldbe thecar.So Iwould stickoutmy thumband itwould stop, and I’d say, “We’re going to so and so. Canwe ridewithyou?”Andthedriverwouldsay,“Yeah,I’mgoingtheremyself.Hopin.”

That’swhathappenedduringthewholeweekend.Ifollowedmyinnerguidanceanditwasabsolutelycorrect.Iknewthatitwasinnerguidance.I knew itwas the divine hand. I knew that Iwas in touchwithwhat IwouldcallGod.ThebiggestproblemIhadwaskeepingthesetwoFrenchgirlsfromdallyingaround.

Ihadmy“IAM”bookswithmethatsummer.IfIhadanhouroffintheafternoon,I’dgohikesomewhereinthewoodstoread.Iwasreadingthosebooksthewholesummer.

While I was at this summer camp, I wrote to the author ofThe “IAM”Discourses,attheaddressinChicagothatwaslistedinthebook.

August6,1958DearMr.King,

ForalmostayearIhavebeenreadingUnveiledMysteries,TheMagicPresence,andThe“IAM”Discourses.MyunderstandingofGodandhisrelationship toman has been so clarified through this study that I canhesitate no longer to contact you, tell you ofmy joy in this newfounddominionandpurpose.

During thepast tenyears IhavebeenanardentstudentofChristian

Science. Ihadalready risenabovemuchdiscord inmyhomeand Ihadalready chosen to serve God through the government in internationalrelationswhen I stumbled upon your books onmymother’s shelf, so Iwaswellpreparedtoacceptwithoutquestionallthatisrevealedinthem.

As a student ofAntiochCollege (Yellow Springs,Ohio) Iwasmetwithanavalancheofempirical,intellectualandmoraltemptationsatthemomentwhenIwaspreparingtoleavealltoservetheLight.Thepastsixmonthshavebeenspentsearching,pondering,examining.BeforewritingthisletterIhaveagainwaitedtwomonthstobesurethatwhatIamabouttoformallydeclaretoyouisnotapassingwhim.

ItiswithdeepgratitudethatIshouldlikeyoutoknow,youwhohavegiven your life to this Great Service, that I, too, cherish the InnerPresenceandthegoalofSaintGermainonthiscontinent.Iampreparedto give unreservedly of myself to this cause. My life henceforth isentirelyattheserviceoftheGreatLight.

I plan to earn a Bachelor of Arts in sociology or internationalrelations and an interpreter’s diploma from either the University ofMunich or Geneva, and later on a Master’s degree in a related field.Alreadythisfall Ishallhaveapositionat theUnitedNationsaspartofAntioch’scooperativework-studyprogram.

Sincetwentyyearshavelapsedsinceyourbookswerefirstpublished,Iammost interestedtoknowifyouandthestudentswhofirst receivedthe “IAM” Discourses are still in this sphere and what their variouscapacitiesareinour“GreatService.”

If youwould giveme the addresses of any persons engaged in thisactivityinthevicinityofNewYork,DaytonorMexicoCity,Ishallbeineachofthesecitiesduringthenexteighteenmonthsandwouldverymuchliketocontactthem.Itwouldbeaprivilegetohearfromyou,Mr.King.

Sincerelyyours,

Little did I know that Godfré Ray King was the pen name of GuyBallard,thathehadmadehisascensiontheyearIwasbornandthatMrs.Ballardwasnowtheleaderoftheirorganization.Theletterwasreturned

tomemarked“UnclaimedfromLockBoxSection.”Iwroteanumberoftimeswithouteverreceivingaresponse.

Mark Prophetwas inWashington,D.C., at this time, and itwas onAugust7,1958,thedayafterIwrotethisletter,thathe,underElMorya’sdirectionfoundedTheSummitLighthouse.AndyetIdidnotmeetMarkforanumberofyearsafterwardsandhadnoknowledgeinmyoutermindthatthiseventwastakingplace.

Now I realize that this letter and the dedication and commitment itcontains was my commitment to the inner calling to be a messenger,whichIknewnothingaboutatthetime.Manyyearslater,ElMoryatoldmethat ifIhadnotmadethiscommitmentandgiventhisdedicationtoGod,TheSummitLighthousecouldnothavebeenfounded.

IamgratefulthatGodinspiredmetowritethisletterandthatinmyheartIwasreadytowriteit,sotherewasnodelayinthefoundingofTheSummitLighthouse.Whatthishastaughtmeisthatwhatwemustdo,wemustdoquickly. Ifweareprompted to act, then let us act. If an angelcomestouswithdirection,letusfollowitimmediately.LetusnotthinkthatGodhasforeverorthatwehaveforever.

26TheUnitedNations

ItsohappenedthatthecampcounselorinthetentnexttomineatÉcoleChamplainwas the niece of the head ofUNICEF. I told her that Iwaslookingfora jobandIwanted toworkat theUnitedNations. Ihad theidea that I would study political science and work there. So she said,“Well,I’llcallmyauntandI’msureshecanarrangeanappointmentforyoutogetwhereyouwanttogo.”

Soon afterwards, in the fall of 1958, after finishingmywork at thecamp,IwasinNewYorkCity.Iwasgoingtointerviewsandtryingtogeta job at theUnitedNations, but a jobwas not forthcoming. I thought,“WhileI’mwaitingforthesevariousinterviews,I’llgototheNewYorkPublicLibraryandI’ll lookupeverything there is tobe foundonSaintGermain.”

ItookoutallthecardsonSaintGermaininthereferencesectionandsoon a librarian broughtme about five stacks of books on thismaster,each about five feet high. You wouldn’t believe the amount ofinformationintheNewYorkPublicLibraryonSaintGermain,especiallyinaccountsoftheFrenchRevolutionandEuropeanhistory.IthoughtI’dbethereforaweek!

AsIsatdowntolookthroughthisstack,Ifeltthemastertapmeonthe shoulder. Itwasn’t a physical tap, but itwas definitely themaster,though hewas not visible. He spoke tome and said to go back to theUnitedNationsandgo to thewomanwhowas theheadofUNICEF.Hesaidthathehadarrangedformetomeetwithher,andhewouldseetoitthatIgottheproperjobattheUnitedNationsthroughher.Andhesaid,“You’ll have to hurry because she’s about to leave, but Iwill hold herthereuntilyouarrive.”

ItseemsthatItookabouteightstepsandIwasallthewayoutofthelibrary,ontothestreetandintothefirstbusthatwasheadedfortheU.N.Grabbing thebusas itwas leaving thecurb, I felt like Iwasonwings.

WhenIgottotheU.N.,Iwenttothedeskandaskedtoseethiswoman.Her secretary returned the call and said that she was just leaving theoffice,butshewouldwaittillIgotthere.

“Well, that’sall inorder,” I thought.SoIwentup toherofficeandproceededtotellherthatIhadmetherniecewhenwewerecounselinginasummercamptogether.ShesaidthatshewouldgetmeanyjobIwantedin theU.N. or inUNICEF, and she askedmewhat job Iwould like tohave.OfcourseatUNICEFI’dbetypinglabelsforChristmascardsthatwould be sent out all over theworld, and I’d be stuck up on the ninthfloororthethirtiethfloorsomewhere.

ItoldherthatIknewaboutthephotographerdownonthefirstfloor,LeoRosenthal,whophotographed thedelegates, that Iwould like tobehis secretary and he had already interviewedme. So she recommendedmetohimandhegavemethejob.

This job got me the contact I needed in order to investigate andexplore theU.N. from top to bottom. I had to be in all the committeemeetings,Iwasbackbehindthescenesintheinterpreters’booths,Igotticketstoallofthebanquetsandgatherings,andIgottogotoalloftheembassies.

Imethundredsofdelegates,ambassadorsandrepresentativesfromallover the world every day since my job was to show them the latestpictures taken of them on the floor of the General Assembly, in theSecurityCouncil,intheirprivatemeetings,theirreceptions,andsoforth.I had to know every one of these hundreds of people individually,memorize theirnamesand faces, andmatch themwith thephotographsthatIhadinmyfiles.Andthemomentoneofthemappearedatmydesk,Ihad to lookat the face, remember thename,pullhisphotographsandsay, “Here you are,Mr.Ambassador. Here’s this beautiful picture thatyou can send home and publish in your home newspaper.” I was in apanic most of the time I worked there because I had to remember alltheseforeignnamesandfaces,hundredsofthemalldescendinguponmeatonceanddemandingtheirpicturesastheycameoutoftheirmeetings.

During thatexperience, I learned thatnomatterwhoaperson is,nomatterwhathisgreatexaltedpositionintheworldis,nomatterwherehe

has come from, no matter what is behind him in wealth, power orposition,theindividualisstillamanorawomanlikemeoranyoneelse.AndIlearnedthatthegreatestmenandwomenarethemosthumble,nomatter where they are in government or in church. I learned that thepeoplewhoaretrulygreatandtrulyhumblewilldealwithyouonaone-to-onebasisofequality,notofattainmentbutofopportunity.Here isafellowman,afellowwoman,asoulwithequalopportunitytomakeitinlife.

There are those who do not have this attitude. They are pompous,proud; they talk down their nose at you. They are demanding,commanding, ruthless, cruel.Theyareopportunists.And theymake thelittlepeople,thechildrenofGod,feelthattheyareofnovalue,noworthandhavenostanding.

I had enough self-esteem in those days, enough awareness of the IAMPresencewithinme, that IknewwhoIwasandIknewthatnoonetherewasbetterthanIwas.AndIlearnedthisbywatchingthebehavior,sometimesextremelyabominable,oftheseindividuals.WhenIsawwhatwas happening behind the scenes at the United Nations, immensecorruptionandsensuality,IknewforacertaintythatGodwasnotgoingtosavetheworldthroughthatorganization.

Iknewtheplaceinsideandout,andIknewthatthosepeopleweren’tsolving theworld’sproblems. I realizedoverwhelmingly that theywerenotidealistsanddidnothavethewelfareofthepeopleatheart.Isawthattheywereengagedinamadroundofpowerpoliticsandthemanipulationof the economies. Theywere there for their egos, for how they lookedbackhome, forpoliticking, and theydidn’thave thepowerof theHolySpirit that it would take to bring about world peace. They were notworking with the brotherhood of light, but they were on a quest forpersonal power. Their performance over theHungarian uprising shouldhavetoldmeasmuch.

***

IhadgonetotheU.N.withhighideals.IhadgrownupontheEastCoastand my indoctrination was from the liberal establishment. I went toEastern schools and learned political science the way it was taught inthose schools.And I had every reason to believe that theU.N.was thehopeoftheworld,becausefromthetimewewerelittlechildrenthroughcollegethiswaswhatwehadbeentold.

After my three-month co-op job at the United Nations, I came torealize that Ikneweverything Ineeded toknowabout it. I left there inDecember 1958, at the conclusion of theThirteenthGeneralAssembly,verydisillusioned.

ItwasSaintGermainandnotanyoneinthephysicalwhorevealedtome that indeed theU.N.was not the hope of theworld.This became agreatcrisisinmylife.Infact,theawarenessofwhatwasreallygoingonbehindthescenesattheU.N.wassoshockingtomethatIwasdepressedfor many months after I left, when I was back in Antioch doing mystudies.

TheUnitedNations leftmewith therealization that itwouldnotbethrough the governments of theworld that I could reach the people. Insolvingtheworld’sproblems,wewouldhavetostartbackmuchfurther—withinman,inhisownconceptofhimselfandhisconceptofGod.Godwas the power, wisdom and love that would reveal the means to ourvictoryinthisage.

27NewYork

While Iwas inNewYorkCity, Iwent to an address I found in The “IAM”Discourses—theGateway, East Sixtieth Street. I charged into theGateway Bookstore and there was an older woman who looked quitemystical, as if shemight be a student of themasters. I had an “IAM”bookwithmeandtoldherIwantedtofindmore.Isaid,“You’vegottotellmewhereIcanfindtheBallards.You’vegottotellmewherethe‘IAM’Activityis.”

Butthewomansaid,“I’mnotgoingtotellyou,becauseifItellyou,you’llcompletelychangeyourwholelifeforthem.”Icouldn’tgetitoutofher.Iwentbackmanytimesandshekeptsaying,“No,I’mnotgoingtotellyou.”ShesentmethebooksandIsentherchecksforthem,butsheknewabsolutely that shewasnot supposed toputme in touchwith the“IAM”Activity.

OnedayItookfivedollarsworthofdimesandcalledeveryBallardintheNewYorkCityphonebook.FinallyIdecidedthatwasn’tthewaytofindthem.AllthoseyearsIwaslookingforSaintGermain,theworldwasfullof“IAM”students,andIdidn’tbumpintooneofthem.Itwasliketheangelswerepullingthemalloutoftheway.

***

During the time that I was working at the United Nations, I took theopportunity one timewhen Iwas offwork to go to the IndianCulturalCenterand findoutabout teachings from theEast.A tall,pretty Indianwoman,wearingasari,wasinchargeofthecenter.Ayogateacherwasalsothere,soIdecidedtogotohisclassestolearnsomeyoga.

SoonafterIstarted,Ifeltthatthemanwhowasteachingtheclasswasdevelopingan inordinate interest inme,beyond thatwhichshouldexistbetweenateacherandapupil.SoIwasfeelingalittlebitnervousabout

goingtothecenterforinstruction.AtthetimeIwaslivingathomeinRedBankandcommutingtothe

U.N. After about the second lesson, I found myself in my upstairsbedroominmyhouseinNewJerseyandIfeltthisyogateacherentermyforcefield, come intomymind and tell me to weighmyself and bringsomethingtoclassthenexttime.WhenIgottoclassafterthat,hesaid,“Did you weigh yourself?” I looked at him and realized what he wasdoing,anditwasthelasttimeIeverwentback.

I decided that this guy had his eye on me and did not have goodintentions,andIwasnotgoingtohavemymindmanipulatedbyanyone.I didn’t want any part of it. It was not of God; it was a psychiccommunication.Somehowhehaddevelopedhismentalabilitiesandhewascapableofdoingthis. Iwasnotabout tobeassociatedwithanyonewhowasgoingtoviolatemybeinginthisway.

ThiswasthelasttimeIlookedintoyogaforsomeyears.Iwasyoungandimpressionable,anditwasfrighteningtome.

28FamilyTies

GodhadbeenthefoundationofmylifesinceIbreathedmyfirstbreath,and longbefore. Ienduredakarmiccircumstance that, Iamconvinced,wasgiventomeformylearningandformyunderstandingofthosewhosufferundersimilarcircumstancesorworse.

AnytimeinmychildhoodthatIwasburdened,IwouldpraytoJesusto lead me to the scripture that would illumine me concerning theproblemorchallengeathand.Withoutfail, IwouldopenmyBible toapassage that would inspireme and giveme the strength to carry on. IknewthepresenceofangelsandwascomfortablewithascendedmastersbeforeIknewoftheirexistence.Inthemiddleofwhateverelsewasgoingon around me, I determined to make my life a walk with Jesus.Sometimeswhentheturbulencewasgoingondownstairs,Iwouldretreattomy room, readmyBibleandask Jesuswhatwas themeaningof thescripturesthatIcouldnotunderstand.AndJesuswouldinstructme.

My father and mother never talked about Jesus Christ as theirSaviour.Theynevertalkedaboutbeingsaved,nevertoldmeIneededtobesavedandwhy.

NowIknowwhySaintGermaindidn’tmakehispresenceknown tomeuntilaftermygraduation in1957. ItwasbecauseI firsthad topassmytestsandbalancemykarmaintheWulffamily.AndalthoughIstillhad my human attachments and my psychology to deal with, at ageeighteenIwascutfreebySaintGermain,andIacceptedmyfreedom.

I left home to get on with my mission, convinced that there wasnothingIcoulddotostop theviciousself-destructivecycleperpetuatedbybothofmyparents.

***

Allthroughmychildhood,therehadbeenaconstantconflictinourhome.

It was almost a daily routine of alcohol, a fiery temper and a certainviolenceintheuseofthevoice.Iwaslivingunderagreatburdenoffear.

As I grewolder, I could not understandwhymymother didn’t justwalkout and takemewithher.Onoccasion shedid,but each time shecamebackwithinafewdays,andthefightingwouldstartalloveragain.Mymotheralwaystoldmethatsheonlystayedwithmyfatherbecauseofme.SoItookuponmyselftheburdenthatitwasmyfaultthatwehadtogo through thesedailyproblems.Mymotherportrayedherself tomeastheparagonofvirtue,theonewhowaswrongedandwhowasmakingallthesacrifices,andmyfatherwastheonedoingalltheyellingandcausingalltheproblems.

When Iwasworkingat theU.N.and livingathome inRedBank, Itoldmymother,“I’mincollege.Ihaveascholarship.There’snoreasonforyoutostayhere.Youdon’thavetoprotectme;you’refree.Youcangetadivorce.”Withoutrealizingit,Ihadcalledherbluff.

Finally she decided to go to Reno to divorce my father. When hediscoveredthatshehadmovedout,hefiguredIhadsomethingtodowithit.Sohewasveryangryatme,andhestoodinthekitchenofourhouseand invoked the cursing of the devil upon me with the most intenseenergyIhaveeverseen.Hecursedmewiththefullfuryofhisbeing,anduntilitwasoverIwasliterallyfrozentothatspot.Iknewthataformalcursewasbeingpronouncedonme.

Thiswasnotthefirst timehehaddonesuchathing.Inmomentsofprideorpangsofconscience,myfathertoldmeoftwooccasionswhenhepronouncedcursesonpeoplethathadcometopass.

Thefirstwasagainstthemanandhisthreesonswhoweremyfather’scompetitors in theboatbusinesson theShrewsburyRiver.Theyalwayswantedtobuyhimout,andtheyhadapproachedhimonseveraloccasionsto purchase his business. My father said to this man, “You will burnbeforeIsellyoumybusiness,”andhesaidthiswiththefullintensityofhisbeing.Thiswashiswayofsaying,“Overmydeadbody.”

Myfatherwasnotagoodbusinessmananddidn’tmanagehisfundswell, and in thepost-wardownturnhewasabout togobankrupt.Thesecompetitors were the only interested buyers, so he came to the place

wherehehadtoselltothem.Butthenightbeforethecontractwastobesigned,thefatherwassmokinginbedandaccidentallysetthebedonfire.Heburnedtodeath.

The second occasion my father told me about was a similar case,wheresomeonehesawashisenemydidsomethingtohim.Hepredictedtothismanthathewoulddrown,andhedid.

I recognized my father’s misuses of power. He knew how topronounceacurse,andhewasfullyawarethathehadacertainpowerinhis cursing. I don’t knowwhere he learned this, whether it was in theCaribbean when he was there or just something he’d developed amomentumonovermanylifetimes.Inanycase,whenmyfatherfinishedthatcurseagainstme,Iwalkedoutofthekitchen,wenttothetelephoneat theMorrises’houseandcalledMrs.Schofield,myChristianSciencepractitioner.Itoldherwhathehaddone,andsheworkedonit.IalsodidmyownspiritualworkonthiswithpositiveaffirmationsandwhatIknewfromChristianScienceandthe“IAM”books.

SoImovedoutofthehouseandintoanapartmentinNewYorkCitytocompletemyco-op job.Because I spentallmysalaryon things likeyoga, books and contributions to spiritual organizations, I never hadmuchleftforrent,soIdidn’trentanexpensiveplace.Infact, itwasinquitepoorsurroundingsnearColumbiaUniversity.

Aftermymother’sdivorcewasfinal, shecame toNewYorkCity. Iwas full of joy and idealism, and it didn’t make any difference tomewhatmysurroundingswere.Butmymother thoughtmyapartmentwasjustterribleandshedidn’twanttostaythere.Icouldn’timaginethatshewould sell her soul for the price of simply going back to that house inRedBankandhavingthesecurityofaroofoverherhead.ButwithintwodaysofarrivinginNewYork,shedidjustthat.Shegotonthebus,rodeforanhouroutofNewYorkCity,andwentbackhome.

To me, it was like the Israelites wanting to go back to slavery inEgypt.Mymotherhad friendsand familyallover theworldwhomshecouldhavestayedwith.Anynumberofpeoplewouldhavereceivedhergladly. But she decided to go back to my father, though there was noearthlyreasonthatshehadto.

After I saw her off, I remember riding on the subway from myapartment,wayupontheWestSide,downtotheU.N.ontheEastSide,andIfeltmorelonelythanIhadeverfeltinallmylife.Iwept,becauseIwassocompletelyandutterlydisillusionedbythepersoninmylifethatIhadheldupastheimageofmotherhood.

I realized thatmymotherwasnotwhatshewas tellingmeshewas.Shedidnothavetheintegritytostandupagainstaverygreatdarkness;andbybeingpassivetoit,shewastheonewhogroundedthisdarknessintheearth.Sheprovidedthehouseandforcefieldformyfathertocontinuethedarknessthathehadsentforthallthoseyears.IwasidealisticatthetimeandIwasnotpreparedtounderstandthefrailtiesandimperfectionsofhumannature.Itwashardformetoface.

Mymotherwent rightbackhome tomy fatherandmoved inagain.My father issued many ultimatums, including that she surrenderownershipofpropertytohim.Hewasextremelycruel,butshemetallofhis demands. They got married all over again, and the relationshipcontinued as it always had. My mother’s friend Agnes wrote me acomfortingletterinwhichshesaidthatmymotherwasalittleflowerthatcouldnotwithstandtransplanting.

I wept, too, for my mother, who had been conditioned so long toabuseastheonlylovesheknewthatshewouldratherreturntothatscenethanfaceanunknownfuture.ItwasonlythenthatIrealizedthatIhadnotbeenthecauseofhersufferingnorofmyfather’stantrums.PerhapsIhadbeenanexcuseforthetantrumsandthesufferingtocontinue,butIhadnot been the underlying reason for them. My parents would rather betogetherininharmonythanapartfromeachother.

***

I had made my peace with my parents; now I must be at peace withmyself. I was working with different material than they were, and thepointofdivergencewasmyspiritualpath.

I can remember that as a teenager I had to distinguish between the

willofmyparentsandthewillofGodinmylife.WhenIbegantotravelorgotosummercampatagefourteenandfifteenandlaterwhenIwentabroad tostudy,myparents, likeanyotherparents,had toadjust tomybecoming an adult. I remember on one or two occasions getting thestrong compulsion that for some reason I should go home and thentraveling a great distance to be there, only to find that this was not acallingfromGod.Itwasmyparentsindulgingintheirownself-pitythatIwasnotthereandwillingmebackbytheirownself-will.Ihadgreatloveand respect for my parents, but at those moments I knew that I wassupposedtobesomewhereelse.

WhenIenteredthehouseandIfeltthisvibrationandsawthisenergy,I had a deep lesson on interpreting forcefields—interpreting the thingsthatpulluponmeanddefiningwhatwassomeoneelse’smindandwhatwasmyown.Ilearnedthatwhenyouthinkyouwanttodosomethingandthe desire is so powerful that you think it must be right, it may besomeone else’smind andwill decidingwhat theywant you to do, andtheirmindismorepowerfulthanyoursatthatmoment.SoIfoundthatIhadtoknowmyownwillandmyowndeterminationofwhatIwasgoingtodoinlife.AndIhadtostickwithit,nomatterwhatmightbethewindandthegalethatwascomingagainstmyship.

***

Mostchildrendon’tdealwithreturningkarmauntilpuberty,butsomedoaskGod,beforetheycomeintoembodiment,iftheycanbeginbalancingtheir karma from conception on. After I had been through my firsteighteenyearsand learned themeaningofkarmaand thechoices Ihadmadebefore birth, including being born to the specific parents I had, Isaw in the akashic records that I had chosen to deal with my karmaimmediately.ThusIamawarethatallwhomImetduringmychildhoodandteenageyearswereintegraltotheprocessofmysowingandreapingboth the positive and negative karma that I had incurred in previouslifetimes.

Godblessedmewithcaringparentswhodidthebesttheycouldwithwhat they had to offer. They had led full and interesting lives beforemeeting and marrying, and they brought with them the traditions ofEuropeandthelandsoftheirbirth,GermanyandSwitzerland.IfeltthatIhadarichheritageandIunderstoodmyroots.Peoplearenotperfectandweshouldn’texpectthemtobe,soIcountasablessingmyopportunitytolearnthelessonsoflifefromthefatherandmotherGodgavetome.

IknowthatGodbroughtmetothisfamilytobeacomforter,tolovebothofmyparentsthroughtheirtrials,andtoexperiencewhateverkarmaImyselfhadinthemidstoftheirkarma.Iamgrateful,ohsogratefultoGod,fortheseexperiences,eventhoughtheywereaburden.ForIlearnedtoidentifythegoodandevilforcesthatalternatelyoccupythebodiesofmen, women and children, that I might be the instrument of God’shealingtothem,accordingtohiswill.

I learned true compassion that does not sympathize with anyone’sdemonsbutcallsonthetwo-edgedswordoftheHolySpirittoseparateamanfromhisdemonsandthentobindthosedemonssothattheyinvadenotanotheremptyhouse.Finally I learnedhowall-encompassing is themercifulheartoftheDivineMother.Becauseshecouldforgive,Icouldforgive,knowingthatGodwouldrepay,for justicebelongstohim.Andthequalityofmercyheld inmyheartmustbea fountof transmutationdissolvingthecause,effect,recordandmemoryofwhatappearssorealbutindivinerealityisnot.

MaryBakerEddy reawakenedmyunderstanding of this great truth,but my soul knew it well. “Evil is not real and its appearance has nopower!” as Charles M. Carr, my beloved Christian Science teacher oflateryears,usedtosay.

IonlyregretthatIcouldnothelpmyparentsfindhealing,thesamehealingthatIhadfoundsincemyearliestcommunionwithmyheavenlyFather and Mother, with Jesus, the saints, the angels and the naturespirits.

Thenightmyfatherfellasleeptothesleepoftheages,hewrestledinhisbedwith thedeathangelwhohadcometo takehim.Bythat timeitwastoolateformymothertostartanewlife,butfiftyyearsofherown

pent-upangerbegantoshowitselfinalldirections.Shediedfivemonthsafter my father, never having found peace, never knowing God as herdivinedeliverer,stillinfearofdeathandwhatlaybeyond.

Oh,howIlovedyou,myfatherandmymother.Oh,howIlovedyou.WouldtoGodthatmylovecouldhavemadethedifference.

29“GotoBoston!”

IhadafriendatAntiochwhosenamewasBobBachman.HewasadevoutCatholic andhewas fondofme in the sense that hewasmyprotector,becauseIwasoneof thefewgirlsoncampuswhohadanyreligion.HewasverykindtomeandhelpedmepackupandgobacktoAntiochaftermythreemonthsworkingattheU.N.

OnedayIconfidedtohimthatIwaslookingforSaintGermain.Hesaid,“Betty,you’renevergoingtofindSaintGermainonthiscampus.”And I said to myself, “He’s absolutely right. I’m never going to findSaintGermainouthere.”Notruerwordswereeverspoken.SoIprayed,andthevoiceofGodsaid,“GotoBoston!”

***

I went back toAntioch for winter quarter 1959 and then spent springquarteratTuftsUniversityinaco-opjobasasecretaryintheDepartmentofApplied Experimental Psychology, where I typed reports on animalexperimentation.IpickedthejobbecauseIwantedtogotoBoston,andTufts University was outside of Boston. I transferred to BostonUniversityinthefall.

While I was working at Tufts, I also took a psychology course. Iwanted to get into a situation where I could see psychology used as atherapy. So I decided I would use my evenings to work at a privatehospitalforalcoholics.Iwasn’tgoingtobepaid.Ijustvolunteered,andtheysaid,“Sure,comeover.”

So several evenings each week, after I finished my day’s work, Iwouldgetonthesubwayandgoofftothishospital.Theyassignedmetotalktopeoplethatwereinthereforrehabilitation.

I learned a lot about alcoholics while I was there. Their familiesbrought them to the hospitalwhen theywere totally drunk.Night after

nightafternight,theywouldtellmewhytheywerealcoholics.Anditwasalways about what everybody else had done to them. They didn’t ownthemselves.Theycouldnotownuptotheirownbeing,theirownactions.

Theywouldgothroughtheprocessofgettingoffthealcoholandthengettingonagooddietandhavingsomekindoftherapy.Thentheywouldbesenthome.Andinsixweeksorsixmonths,thedrinkingwouldbeginalloveragain.Itwasveryrepetitive.AndsoIsawthechallenge:Howdoyou instill a sense of self-determination into people when the will islacking?

Thiswasanamazingexperienceforme,becauseIneverrealizedthewayalcoholicsthink,whatmakesthemtickandwhatistheirpsychology.I had a wonderful time volunteering at this hospital and I felt that Ibroughtsomejoyandcomforttothepeoplethere.Itwasastepping-stoneinmylife.

***

WhileIwasatTufts,Imetsomeonewhowastohaveagreatinfluenceonme.Backinhighschool,afriend’smotherhadtoldmeaboutaChristianSciencepractitionerbythenameofCharlesM.Carr.Shehadgonetohimfor migraine headaches and he had healed her. But all she could talkaboutwashowmuchmoneyhehadchargedher.Ithoughtthatthewomanwastrulyridiculoustobeworryingaboutwhatshehadpaidforahealingwhenshehadbeeninlifelongmiseryfromtheseheadaches.AndIsaidtomyself,“IwanttomeetthisChristianSciencepractitionerwhocanhealsomebodyoftheirmigraineheadaches.”

SoIhaditinmymindthatIwouldgomeethimoneday.Ononeofmy trips back home toNew Jersey, Iwent to see him in his office onFifthAvenueinNewYork.

I’mnotsureofhisage.Heappearedtobeinhisfortiesorfifties,butitcouldhavebeenthathisgrayhairmadehimlookolderthanhewas.Hewelcomed me into his office and we had a heart-to-heart talk. I don’tknowhowlongitwas,butinstantaneouslywebothfeltastrongbonding.

While Iwas inhisoffice,a lightofGodcamedownuponmeandIcouldfeelittangibly.IhadneverfeltsuchalightinmylifeandIknewthathehadbeentheinstrumentofit.ThiswasthefirstpersonIhadevermetinwhosepresenceIfeltsuchastupendouslightdescendtomefromGod.IhadcertainlyfeltlightandloveinthepresenceofMrs.Schofield,butthiswassomethingelse.Thiswasmorepowerful.AllIwantedtodowastobeabletokeepthatlight.

AfterIlefthisoffice,Itookatrainandsomerowdyguyswereridinginthesamecarriage.Theywerebeingobnoxious,andIcouldfeel themand the energy they were throwing at me, and it felt as if they werepeelingthelightawayfromme.Ididn’tknowhowtokeepthislight,andIcouldseethatitwasdissipatingbecauseIwasoutintheworldinthisunfortunatesituation.

So that summer, in August 1959, I applied to Mr. Carr and heacceptedmeintohisclass.InChristianScience,selectingateacherisanimportant process. According to Mrs. Eddy’sManual of the MotherChurch,a teacherisallowedthirtystudentsperyear.Heteachesaclassfor twoweeks, and those students remainhis for the restof their lives,consultinghimandlookingtohimforguidance.

Manypeopleinthechurchwerealreadycallingmeandaskingmetoprayfortheirhealing,becausetheyfoundoutthatwhenIprayedforthemtheygotwell.SomygoalwastobecomeaChristianSciencepractitioner.AllmylifeIhadbeenpointedinthatdirection.

Theway I foundmymission in lifewas that Iwoulddo theclosestthingtoitthatIcouldconceiveofatthetime.Ididn’tknowwhatIwasmovingtoward,buteverydayofmylifeIwastryingtoapproximatetheverybestthingIcoulddointheserviceofGod.

30InnerWork

DuringmystudentdaysatBostonUniversity,Ifeltinmysoulandinmybeingagreat loveforGod.AndIfelt that theteachingsIunderstoodatthat time, which I had derived solely from Christian Science and the“I AM” books, made me a human misfit in terms of any man everwantingtomarryme.SoIwasresignedthatIwouldnotbemarried,sinceIknewofnoonewhocouldacceptawifewhohadsuchbeliefsandsuchfirmconvictions.

Oneday,asIhaddoneallofmychildhood,IpickeduptheBibletoseekaresponsefromGodtothesethoughts.Iopenedtochapter54oftheBookofIsaiah,whichsaid:“ForthyMakeristhinehusband;theLORDofhostsishisname;andthyRedeemertheHolyOneofIsrael;theGodofthewholeearthshallhebecalled.”

Irealizedthatthiswasthemostimportantmarriageofmywholelife,to bemarried toGod. I knew the IAMPresence, the Presence ofGodwithme,andIsaidtomyself,“SurelyifIcanbecomeacceptableinthesightofGodastheleastofhisbrides,IshouldbeonthewaytofindingSaint Germain.” I found this period in my life to be one of profoundmeditationandcommunion.

***

WhileIwaslivinginBostonandattendingBostonUniversity,Ibecamequite involved in the Christian Science church. I was an usher in theMotherChurch,taughtSundayschoolthere,andworkedfortheChristianScienceMonitor.Forafewweeks,duringanothersecretary’sabsence,Iwas also the secretary to Erwin Canham, who was the editor then.Following that, I worked in the Department of Branches andPractitioners, and I became the president of the Christian SciencestudentsorganizationatBostonUniversity.

Fromalltheseexperiences,Ilearnedagreatdealaboutthepublishingoperationsofachurchandalsoabouttheorganizationandadministrationof a church on aworldwide scale.All that I saw, heard,witnessed andparticipatedin,everysingledetail,hashelpedmetoseehowourchurchshouldbeorganizedtoday.

During the time Iwas inBoston,when Iwas twenty to twenty-twoyearsold,IappliedtheprinciplesofChristianSciencehealingonbehalfof anyone in the church who would ask me for my prayerful support.Friends reported tome that theywerebeinghealed.But Ialsosaw thatratherthandoingtheirownwork,theybegantodependonmetodoitforthem. I thought to myself that it was more important for them tostrengthenthemselvesinthepracticeofChristianSciencethantodependonmeoranyoneelsetodoitforthem.

Thehealingsthatweretakingplaceinthoseinstanceswerelargelyatestimony to my progress on the path and not to theirs. In my heart Iknew that spiritual progresswasmore important than physical healing.Andinallcases,physicalhealingmustbetheoutwardsignofthesoul’sadvancing footsteps. Then and there I saw that I must comfort byteachingaswellasbyhealing,forwithoutunderstandingtherecanbenopermanenthealing.

***

OnemorningonmywaytoworkattheChristianScienceMonitor,Ihada remarkable experience. I was supposed to be there at five a.m. todeliver the stories that had come in overnight to the desks of all thereporters.Igotupearlyandwaswalkingtomyjob.Ilikedtowalk,eventhough it was a number of miles, because I enjoyed the dawn and themorning.

Thisparticularmorning,at thatearlyhour, therewashardlyanyoneout at all, no one on the streets and notmany cars.All of a sudden, Iexperienced being very high above myself, looking down at myselfwalkingtowork.ItseemedasifIwashundredsoffeetabovemybody,

watchingthislittlepersonthatwasmegoingtowork.Atthesametime,asIlookeddownatmyself,Isawthatlowerselfas

mortal.And I saw that Iwas one inmy IAMPresence, looking downuponme.Godallowedmetoseemyimmortality,torealizewhatpartofmewaswalking,thelesserpartofme,andtoknowthatthegreaterpartofmewasalreadyinheaven.AndIknewthatIhadtostaywiththatbodyand that soul until all of my being would become one integratedpersonalityinGod.

***

WhenIwaslookingforthemasterSaintGermaininBoston,Iwastryingto figure out why I wasn’t meeting him. Eventually I came to therealizationthatitalldependedonmeandthatwhatwasinsideofmewasdeterminingmyfate.Ibelievedstronglythatwhatevercameintomylife—people,conditionsorcircumstances—wasamirrorofsomethinginmyown inner consciousness I needed to deal with. If I attracted good, Imightknow that somegoodofGodwas inme.And if Iattracted thosethings thatwerenot thebest, Imightcertainlyexploremyinnerself toseewhatImightfind.

IrememberthedayImovedintothefirstapartmentIhadwhileIwasincollege.Icouldn’taffordmuchanditwassomethingIhadtotakeindesperation.As I looked aroundme, I saw that it certainlywas not thesurroundings Iwasaccustomed to. In fact, itwason thevergeofbeingsqualor.Itwasabasementapartmentandthevibrationswereterrible—anoppressivefeeling,withtheheavinessandweightofthecity.

So I communedwithGodand said, “DearGod, Iknow that if I amhere,it’sbecauseIhaveworktodohere.Thereissomethinginmethathasattractedthisplacetome.IknowthatGodishereandGodisinme,and he will not leave my soul to suffer in hell.” So all day I gavegratitudeforGodandhispresence.

ItgavemeagreatsenseofjoytocommunewithGodinthismanner.IsensedthechallengeandItotallyacceptedtheresponsibilityforbeing

in this place, and I accepted that it reflected some lack in my ownconsciousness.

AfterIgotthroughsayingthis,Iwascompletelyhappy.ForIknewIwas living in theauraofGod. I rejoiced in theopportunity IwasbeinggivenandIfeltthepromiseoflife.Itreallydidn’tmatterwhereIwas.

IwentaboutmybusinessandImadethislittlebasementapartmentasbeautifulasIcouldwithwhateverIhad.AndIdeterminedthatIwouldstayinthisapartmentuntilIhadlearnedthelessonIneededtolearnfrombeingthereandgainmyvictory.

Within twoweekssomeoneofferedmeabeautifulapartmenton thetop floor of a place with lots of sunshine and bay windows. I happilymoved in, painted the whole apartment myself, got some second-handfurniture,andmadeacheerfullittlehome.Iwasgratefulforthelessonofthisexperiencebecause Iknew thatmycircumstanceswere theproductofmyownlimitations.

A littlewhile later, just at themoment Iwasprobablycarrying thisconceptalittlebit toofar,IwassittingonthebusridingbytheBostonCommon. I looked out the window and saw what to me was the mostloathsomeofallbeasts.Rightthere,walkingalongtheBostonCommon,attheendofaleashthatwasbeingtowedbyawoman,wasananteater!

To me, there was nothing more repulsive in this world than ananteater. I looked out the window, I saw this thing, and I thought tomyself, “Ye gods, what is wrong with you? Why are you seeing thisanteater?”

So I decided that I had somework todo, that this anteatermust bebringingme amessage.And I also looked around at the people I wasassociatingwith,andIrealizedthattheywerealsoproductsofmystateofconsciousness.TherewassomethingImustdowithmyconsciousnesstobereadyforSaintGermain.

31“ObeyImmediately”

As a child I had a stern fatherwho exacted obedience at the snap of afinger.Thiswasunderstoodinourhousehold.IwonderedattimeswhyIhadsucha strict father.Butwhen ImetElMoryaand realized thathisforteandhiswayoftrainingdiscipleswasdisciplineandobediencetothewillofGod,Iunderstoodthatheputmeinthathouseforagoodreason.

As I havementioned,when I left home andwent to college, I waslookingforSaintGermain,buthedidn’tappeartomeandIcouldn’tseehim. So I thought I must not be ready for my service to him and Iwondered, “How shall I get ready?”Then I thought tomyself, “ImustobeyimmediatelyeverywordofGodthatcomesintomysoul.”

While I was a student at Boston University, I wrote on the brownpapercoversofmytextbooks“ObeyImmediately.”SoIcouldn’tlookatatextbookwithoutbeingremindedthatthat’swhatIneededtodo.EvenasIwalked tomyclasses, Iwouldsee thosewordsonmybooks. IwasalwayslisteningtoGodbecauseoneofthesedaysGodwasgoingtotellmewhereSaintGermainwasandIhadtobeready.

Sothatwasmyself-discipline.IwouldmeditatewithinandlistenforGod.Iwouldlistenwithakeenear,asonewouldtrytohearthecallofadistantbirdorasoundthatwassoundless.IknownowthatIwasmakingthetransitionfromtheoutereartotheinnerear,atransitionweallmustmakeinordertohearthevoiceofGod.

God spoke to me and told me many things and taught me manythings.AndwhenIreceivedthewordtodosomethingspecific—torenderaserviceforsomeone,togosomewhereortogiveafiat—Iwouldalwaysremember that even if it was a sacrifice, it must be done quickly,immediately. For I knew that I would miss the next cycle or the nextopportunity on the ladder of initiation if I did not obey the first step,becauseallistiminginthegreateternalNow.

One day I had an interesting experience. The net resultwas a total

shocktomyconsciousnessandthenalongperiodofdeepmeditationandcommunionwithinonmanyconceptsIderivedfromtheevent.

That particular day I was in my dormitory, an old townhouse onBeaconStreet,whichwasatleastfiveorsixblocksfromschool.WhenIgotupinthemorning,IcheckedtoseewhattheweatherwasandwhatIshouldwear.ItwasearlyspringinNewEngland,whentheweatherwasoften temperamental and cold. But this day it was amazinglywarm. Itwas like a mild spring day, even though it was late February or earlyMarch.

SoIthought,“AllIneedtowearisasweater.”ButthevoiceofGodspoke tome loudly and clearly and said, “Put on your coat that is fur-lined,your furhatandyourmittens.” Itwasalmost likemyconsciencewas speaking. Before I even realized what that voice was, I thought,“That’sthemostridiculousthingI’veeverheard,”andIputmyarmoutthewindowagaintobesureIwasn’tfeelingtheheatfromtheradiator.

Thebirdswerechirping,thebudsonthetreeswerebeginningtocomeout and it seemed likeawarmspringday.But thevoicewasdefinitelyclearanddistinct.SoIsaid,“Allright,I’llputonthefur-linedcoat,butI’mnot going towearmittens and I’mnot going towear a hat,” and Itrottedofftoschoolwithmybooks.

WhenIgottothelastblockbeforeschool,IdecidedImightbelateforclass,soIstartedtorun.Asthetrafficwasstoppedforaredlight,Iwentchargingdiagonallyacrossthestreetandranstraightintoapersononabicyclethatwasgoingathighspeed.Itwasahead-oncollisionandIwasthrowndownonthegroundonmyhands.Mybodywascompletelyprotectedbymyfurcoat.ButwhereIhadbracedmyselfwithmyhands,IhadgottenscratchedupandIwasbleeding.

Iwasn’thurt,butIwasamazedattheexactdirectionofthevoiceofGod.AndIwasamazedtorealizethatifIhadbeencompletelyobedient,Iwouldhavebeenfullyprotected.

Igotupandwenttoclass,andIwasprofoundlymoved.NotonlydidIrealizethatGodknewthatthiswasgoingtohappenandIhaddisobeyedhis voice, but there was a certain element of predestination in it. GodknewbeforehandthatIwasgoingtogettothatplace,Iwasgoingtorun,

therewasgoingtobeabikethere,andIwasgoingtocrashintoit.AndIthought,“Howcanthisbe?Iseverythinginourlifepreplanned

like this?Can you know to the exact day and hour that somethingwillhappen?DoesGodhaveitallonachartupthere?What’sgoingon?”

Ithoughtthatallthiswasagreatmarvel.Itwasamysterytome.

***

My dorm mother was a devout Catholic, and she understood that Icouldn’tstayin thatdormwith theusual things thatgoonindorms,soshewouldletmegooutatnight.IjusthadtogooutandwalkandtalktoGod, and I would always talk to him about his mysteries. I had todiscoverwhatthesemysterieswere.

Anunderstandingofreincarnationandkarmashowedtomethatlifeisnotpredestined.It’sbasedonfreewill.Wehavesetupourkarmabyour use of freewill in the past, and that karma comes duewith exact,mathematical, geometric precision. So because of our past freewillchoices, itcanbecalculatedthatwearegoingtomeetcertainobstaclesoncertaindays,andwe’regoingtobumpintoourselvesandourkarma.

Afterthatincidentwiththebike,fromthatdayonwhereverIwalked,whateverIdid,Iwaslistening.IaskedGodtoforgiveme,andIpromisedthat I would obey his voice, whatever he told me to do. And so Ideveloped an inner listening, because I knew I would never find SaintGermain if Iwas not obedient to this voice.And I becamemuchmorediligentthereafterinpracticingobedience.

Theselessonscontinued,andIceasedtorelyonmylogic,butIreliedonly on my attunement and the voice of God that spoke to me. I didexactlywhatIwastoldtodo.AndIfoundthatIgrewspiritually,andagreat deal of grace and spiritual wisdom was imparted to me.As thiswisdombegantodawninmyconsciousness,IwasawareofhowignorantI was. For when we contact the wisdom of God, we cannot help butrealizewhatpoormothsweare,dancingaroundtheflame,andhowlittlewehave.Wearebutalumpofclay.

Sincethestreamofwisdomwasflowingtome,IdecideditwouldbewelltopraytoGodtogivemegreaterwisdom.SoIdevelopedahabitofwalkingmanyhoursadayaloneinareasthatwerequietandaskingGodtoillumineme.Myprayerwas,“Iknownothing.Ineedtoknowmoretohelpmankind.Pleaseillumineme.”Thiswentonforsometime.LaterIrealized thatmyobedience toGod inunderstanding that Imust ask forwisdominordertoreceiveitledmealsotothefeetofthemasters.

32Marriage

WhileIwasinBoston,ImetayoungmanaboutfiveyearsolderthanIwas. Hewas a law student and a leader in the youth fellowship at theMotherChurch.HisnamewasDagYtrebergandhewaspartNorwegianandpartSwedish.The first time I sawhim,ablockaway, I recognizedhim;healsorecognizedme.

Iknewhim,butIdidnotknowhimwiththestunningimpactofloveatfirstsight.IkeptonseeinghimandIkeptonsayingtomyself,“Iknowthisperson.Iknowthisperson.”

SoI joined theyouthgroup,andwestarted talkingandgot toknoweach other.We found out that we had things in common—my parentswere European, like his; I majored in political science and he wasinterestedininternationalrelations.

Wewould go here and there together, and I kept feeling that Iwasbeing drawn to him by a camaraderie and an attraction. In retrospect Irealize that it was an energy which was not a love sufficient andnecessarytowarrantalifetimecommitment,butonethatmandateditselfinourlivesuntilthecycleswouldruntheircourse.Evidently,oursoulsneeded each other, and there was something we had to give to oneanother.

Onceearlyintherelationship,Ifoundoutthathewassick.AndGodsaidtome,“Goandtakehimsomefood.”SoIwenttohisapartmentandIbroughthimsomefood,whichwasanactofservice.Iwasservinghislife.Thenecessityof the lawofkarmawas fulfilling itself.Healso, aswellashismotherandbrother,wentoutofhiswaytoexpresskindnesstome in little and larger ways. By and by, we became closer and closerfriends,andheaskedmetomarryhim.

So I said to him, “Well, you see, there is one complication. I’mlookingforthemasterSaintGermain,andhere’shispicture.WhenIfindhim,I’mgoingtoservehimwhereverhecallsme.Soifwegetmarried,

youhavetorealizethatI’vebeenlookingforhimforyears;andthedayhecomes,thatwillbeit.He’sgoingtobethecenterofmylife.”

At the time IwasadedicatedChristianScientist andsowashe.HeneverthoughtIwouldactuallycometothepointwhereIwouldsay,“OK,herewego. I’mgoing to followSaintGermain.”Nordid I realize thatwhenSaintGermaincame,mywholelifewouldbeturnedupsidedown.Andinordertoservehim,IwouldwalkoutoftheMotherChurchforeverandnever lookback.Sohewasagreeable tomy termsbecausehe readinto themtheconsistencyofmy lifestyleandcharacter. I think that theevents which were to come to pass were far beyond the scope of ourabilitytoforesee.

Ialsosaid,“Well,youhavetomeetMr.Carr,andifMr.Carrdoesn’tapproveofthismarriage,thenI’mnotgoingtogetmarried.”SoDagwasnervousaboutmeetinghim.Butasithappened,theygotalongfamously.Mr.Carrputhimateaseandsaidhethoughtwe’dmakeagreatmatch.SodidMrs.Schofield.Infact,partofmydecisiontomarryhimwasbasedontheirtellingmetogetmarried.IreallylistenedtoMrs.Schofield,andshe advised me to marry him. She said, “Oh, take it, Betty. Take it,Betty.”

Sowedecidedtoplightourtroth.AndforsomeimpellingreasonthatIcouldnotexplain,Ididmarryhim.IjusthadthesenseandthedirectionthatIshoulddoso.IwasdeterminedthatuntilandunlessIwasobedientto everydirectionGodgaveme, Iwouldnot findSaintGermain, and Iknewthatonestepwouldleadtothenext.IknewthatwhenIwasready,ifIwastrulyready,SaintGermainwouldcomeandgetmeandshowmewhathewantedmetodo.Andifmarryingthismanwaspartofthatpath,thenIwouldgladlydoit.

We went home to New Jersey to my parents’ house and we weremarried in a little country church in Shrewsbury. It was a hometownwedding with all the old friends and neighbors. Since we were on astudents’budget,IborrowedanicelittleorgandyweddingdressfrommyGreek neighbor. After we said our vows before the altar, we camewalkingdowntheaisle.Wewereinthenewnessoflife’sadventure,withthe hope for the future towrite upon the cleanwhite page the story of

love.Thensuddenly,withoutwarning, theHolySpiritspoketomeloudand clear.And tomy astonishment, I heard thewords: “It is but for alittlewhile.”

Ilookedupasifithadbeenpartofarunningconversationofmysoulwith the eternal Spirit at inner levels. Without missing a step, Iresponded, as faces smiled andbeamedonboth sides of the aisle, “Allright.”Andoutthedoorwewenttogreetourguestsinthereceivingline.To my dismay, though it was played I never heard the “TriumphalMarch” fromAïda, which I had requested. It would have to wait foranother day and for the real triumph of my soul through this karmicmarriageandbeyond.

AfterthereceptionwedrovebacktoBoston,movedintoabasementapartmentandcontinuedwithschool.Istillhadn’tfoundSaintGermainbut Ikepton looking.At the timeIwasworkingandDagwasgoing tolawschool.Mydesirewastohelphimineveryway,butIcouldnotgiveupmyowneducationandcareer,assomewell-meaningadvisersthoughtIshould,forthesakeofthemarriage.

Itwasnotaperfectrelationship.Weneverbecameasoneperson,asIhavecometo realize it ispossible todo.Wewerealsoyoungandabitimmature at the time—a little self-willed, each protective of his ownidentity, not as capable of self-giving as each of us would be in lateryears.Evenhismother,whomIdearlyloved,confidedinmelaterthatwedidn’tloveeachotherenoughforthemarriagetolast.

***

Oneday Iwas inour apartment and Iwashaving adifficult time.Dagwas sick, and I could feel a burden upon me and a weight ofcircumstances and people. So I said this prayer: “God, if youwill justgive tome now a greater vision of your church, thisMotherChurch, IknowthatI’llhavetheinspirationtogoon.”

ThenIwalkedthetwoblocksdownthestreettotheMotherChurch.Iwent up to one of themain doors as I thought tomyself, “Just letme

touchthischurch.”SoIputmyhandsontheoutsidewallnearthesideofthedoor.AsIdidso,Ilookedupandsawahugeangelstandingthere,agiantfiery-whiteseraphim.Therewasoneoneachsideofthedoor.

Ihadneverseenanangellooksophysical.Godhadopenedmysight,andIthought,“Canthisbe?”

Itwashardtodealwith.Howdoyoureactandwhatdoyoudo,nowthat you’ve seen these angels? I ran around the whole block to everysingledoorofthechurch.Ateverydoor,twoangelswerestandingguard.

After I had touched the church wall and seen those angels, I wenthome. IputmyhandsonDagandhewas instantlyhealed.Tome, thiswasaconfirmationoftherealityofthoseangelsandtheirpower.

I knew that angels were real and that they were sent by God tocommunicate with us and to help us. But my teachers in ChristianScience were not willing to let me believe this.AlthoughMary BakerEddy taught about angels as being real beings, her statement affirmingthisisignored,andthestandardinterpretationinChristianScienceisthatangelsare“God’s thoughtspassing toman.”[49] Inotherwords, angelsarejustideas.

ChristianScientistsbelievethatMaryBakerEddy’swordisinfallibleandthatshegavethecompleteandfinalrevelationoftruth.It’shardtowalkawayfromabeliefsystemlikethat.

***

Soonafterwards,Ihadanotherprofoundexperience.Ithappenedonedaywhen I was ushering in church. Because Christian Scientists have ametaphysical belief system, they do not have ornate sanctuaries. Thereare no pictures, no statues, no symbols. What replaces all of this aresayingsofJesuscarvedorimprintedonthewall.TheMotherChurchinBostonislarge,soithasmanywallsandmanywritingscarvedintothosewalls.

SoIwasstandingatthebackofthechurchandJesuspromptedmetoturn around. When I did, I looked at the wall and saw these words

inscribed there ingold:“OthersheepIhave,whicharenotof this fold:themalsoImustbring,andtheyshallhearmyvoice;andthereshallbeonefold,andoneshepherd.”[50]

ItwasasifIhadneverheardthatphrasebefore.JesuswasthereandIwaselectrifiedbyhispresence.Hewascallingme.AndIunderstoodthatImustleavethischurch,thathehadanotherfold.Hewascallingmetogooutandfindhisothersheep,thosewhowerenotwithinthecontextofthismovementoranymovementofChristianity.Hewassaying,“Thisisnotyour fold; this isnot theplaceofyourpreachingoryourmission.”Andhewasreferringtothemissionforwhichhehadpreparedme.

Ihad togoand find the sheep that Jesuswasgoing tobring—thosewhowouldhear thevoiceof the ascendedmaster JesusChrist as I hadheardhimspeakingtomeinmyheartallofmylife,thosewhowouldletgoofallmooringstofollowonlyhimallthewaybacktotheFatheronthepathoftheascension.

Who were they? Where were they? And how would I find them?ThesequestionsIponderedasIstoodbeforethatwallandfeltthatcall.

Iwastwenty-two.Iwasreadyforthenextstep.ButIstillhadtofindthestaircase.

33“ICan’tWaitAnyLonger!”

Duringmy secondyear inBoston, Iwasworkingas a secretary for thepresident of a small insurance company, and I would spend my lunchhourstryingtofindSaintGermain.Aspartofmyquest,Iwenttoeverysecondhand bookstore I could find. I thought that if I could find someplacewhere the bookswere sold, I could find the Ballards, and then IcouldfindSaintGermain.

OnedayIwentintoabookstoreandtheyhadthebooks.SoIsaidtotheowner,“Doesanyoneevercomeinhereandbuythesebooks?”Andhesaid,“Yes,thereisoneman,adoctor,andhecomesineverysooftenandhebuysupeverybookwehave.”

Then I said, “I have to find this doctor.” But the bookstore ownerdidn’t knowhisname.So I said, “Thenext timehe comes in,will youpleasegethisnameandphonenumbersoIcancontacthim.”

EverydayIwouldgobackandseeifhehadcomein.AllIneededtodowastostandatthedoorandtheownerwouldlookatmeandshakehisheadandIwouldgoonmyway.Well,thatmethodneverprovedtobetheonethatworked.Ineverdidfindthisdoctorthroughthismeans.

***

Meanwhile,MymotherhadaclosefriendfromAsburyParkwhosenamewas Paula Grable. While I was away at school, my mother lent thiswomanoneofmy“IAM”books.When I foundout, I said, “Mother, Ican’tbelieveyouletgoofoneofmy‘IAM’booksandlentitwithoutmypermission.GetthatbookbackfromherorImightneverseeitagain.Ihavetohavethatbook.”

Paula read thebook anddecided that shewouldgo toNewYork tofindthecontactofthe“IAM”Activity,becauseIhadneverbeenabletofind it. So shewent toNewYork, andwhile shewas there she had an

appointmentwithahairdressersheusedtoseethere.AsPaulawashavingherhairdone,thehairdresseraskedherwhatshewasdoinginNewYork.Paula thought to herself, “What would you know about the ascendedmasters’teachings?”Soshewasn’tgoingtobringupthesubject.Butbyand by as the conversation went on, she finally decided to tell thehairdresserthatshewasinNewYorktofindSaintGermain,the“IAM”Activityandanybodywhoknewaboutthoseteachings.

It so happened that the hairdresser was amember of the Bridge toFreedom, which was another organization sponsored by the ascendedmasters.So throughPaulaGrable Iwasput in touchwith theBridge toFreedom, the first ascended master organization I was ever in contactwith.Iwrotetothemandtheywroteback.

I learned that therewas an ascendedmaster sanctuary inNewYorkCitythatwasassociatedwiththeBridgetoFreedomandtheyinvitedmetovisit.Iwassoexcitedaboutthis.WhentheendoftheweekcameandIfinishedwork,IhoppedonatrainfromBostontoNewYork.

The head of that centerwas a strongwoman of about sixty-five orseventy. I toldher that IhadbeenaChristianScientistandhadstudiedthe“IAM”books.Soshesatmedownandsaid tome,“Matter isreal!MaryBakerEddy iswrong!Matter is real!”And she said a number ofotherthingswhichshecitedintheteachingsofMaryBakerEddythatshesaidwerenottrue.

SinceIwasnine,Ihadbelieved,asIhadbeentaught, thatmatterisnotreal.[51]Soitwasquiteashockingexperiencetobetoldthis,andIrememberdistinctly inmyheart how Igulped. I closedmyeyes and itwasalmostlikemyinternalbeingwasshaking;Icouldfeelinmybeinganinvoluntarytrembling.ItwasnotthatIhadfearbutthatsomethingata subconscious level, at the very foundation ofmy being, a pillar of areligioustenet,wasbeingshakenwhenIwastoldthatitwasincorrect.

Inorder toget through thatday, Ihad tohaveabsolute trust inGodandintheascendedmasters.Isaidinmyheart,“Thismustbeaverykeytest,soIamgoingtosetasidemyreligiousbeliefsandacceptwhatthiswoman is tellingme and seewhere it leadsme.” I spoke toGod and IsurrenderedthewholeteachingofChristianScience.Ifmyentirelifetime

of studieswas of something thatwas not correct, then Iwaswilling tosurrenderit.Idon’tknowwhyIhadthecouragetodothis;Ihaveseldomseenotherpeoplewhocould.

Thatwasmy first test. The second testwas that she took an entirehour to tellme about this awful, awfulman inWashington,D.C.,whoclaimedtobeamessenger.IhadnotyetheardofMarkProphetandIhadnoideawhoshewastalkingabout.WithherEuropeanaccent,shetalkedonandon,andIcouldnotunderstandwhyshewascarryingonaboutthisterrible man. Why wasn’t she telling me about the teachings of theascendedmasters?

But her conversationwent in one ear and out the other, and I thinkthatitwastheblessingofmyChristSelfthatitwasjustmeaninglesstome.AndevenwhenMarkProphetcametoBoston,I’mnotsureImadetheconnectionthatthiswaswhoshehadbeentalkingabout.

While Iwasat thatcenter, Iwalkedaround thesanctuary, lookedatthepicturesandmeditateduponthemasters.Iwasinseventhheaven.Forthe first time, I saw El Morya’s picture, and I saw pictures of othermasters.Atlonglast,afteryearsofsearching,Iwasfinallyinasanctuarydedicatedtotheascendedmasters.

I learned thatmeetingswerebeingheld indowntownBostonon thesecondorthirdfloorinabuildingoffCommonwealthAvenue.ThiswasabuildingIwentbyeverydayonmywaytoBostonUniversityfrommyapartmentonSt.StephenStreet.EverysingletimeIhadwalkedpastthisbuildingavoicehadsaidtome,“Goinsideandseewhat’sinthere.”ButIwould answer the voice and say, “I’m late for class. I can't go in rightnow.”SoIneverdidgoin.

AndsoitwasthroughtheBridgetoFreedomthatIfoundthisactivityinBoston.Theheadofitwasthedoctor,theveryonewhousedtogotothatsecondhandbookstore.HisnamewasDr.Whitneyandbythat timehewasanelderlyman.Iwasn’tintendedtocomeintotheknowledgeoftheascendedmasters’activitythroughtheBridgetoFreedom.ButthatishowGodworked,bygrace,tosavemefrommynotfollowingthatinnerdirection.

***

Once ImadecontactwithDr.Whitney, Iwouldnever leavehimalone.His office was between my apartment and Boston University. I wouldstop there onmyway to and from class andwait in hiswaiting room.Whenalltheotherpatientsweredone,hewouldtakemeinandIwouldaskhimquestions,questions,questions,andhewouldanswerallofthempatiently until I had no more. Then I would go home and read theteachingsofthemasters,andIwouldcomebackthenextday,waitinthewaitingroomandaskmorequestions.SometimesIwouldhavetowaitanhourortwountilthepatientswerethroughbeforeIcouldaskhimmorequestions.

Mr.Whitneywasalovelyperson.Hehadasmallroomwhereheheldhismeetings.Ateachmeetingandeachdecreesession,hewouldbanktheentire altar with fresh flowers, and the whole room would have awonderfulfragrance.

Hehadmanyfriendswhowerepartofthegroup,someofthemquiteelderly.Inorder tofillhismeetings,hewouldhavetogoout inhiscarand drive fromhouse to house around the city to collect all these dearpeople,chauffeurthemtothemeeting,escortthemupandsitthemdown.And when the meeting was over, he would chauffeur them all homeagain,whichhegladlydidinordertohaveameeting.

I attended services at Dr. Whitney’s while working at the MotherChurch,beingmarriedandgoingtoschool.

***

InApril1961,IwasreadinginthenewspaperabouteventsinCubaandtheCaribbean.Itwasakeyturningpoint,andIcouldseethepossibilityofCommunismspreadingthroughthewholehemisphere.IweptandweptandweptwhenIreadthenewspaper.Itwasthemostterribledayofmylife.ThereIwas,weeping,andDagcamehome.Andin the traditionofChristianScience,hesaid,“Whatareyoucryingabout?It’snotreal.”

People in Christian Science circles tend to think that just abouteverythingisnotreal.Errorisnotreal.Matterisnotreal.Nothingthat’sunpleasant is real.And they cease to deal realisticallywith life.That’snotthewayMaryBakerEddywas,butthatishowsomeofherfollowershavebecome.

Sotherehewas.Thatwasasmuchaccountabilityashewasgoingtotakefor theworldscene. Iwas takingresponsibility; theCaribbeanwasmyproblem.WhatwasIgoingtodoaboutit?That’showIlookedatit.IknewthatSaintGermainhadtheanswers.

Iwasdesperate.IcouldfeelthedecadesturningandIcouldfeelthattherewasimminentdanger.IfeltthatfindingSaintGermainwasgoingtobethekeytounderstandingthenewagethatwasdawninguponus.AndyetIwasn’tanynearertofindinghimorhisteaching.

SoIleapedfrommyseatandranupacoupleofflightsofstairstotheroof of my apartment. I threw my arms up into the blue sky and thebillowingclouds,andIcriedintothatsky,“SaintGermain,Iknowyou’reupthere!You’vegottocomeandgetmenow!Ican’twaitanylonger!”

IwasdemandingandIwasfearless.AndIfeltthelightandlovegooutfromme,andIfeltitreachitsmark.Iknewhewasthere,andIwasatpeace.

Lessthanaweekaftermakingthatfiat,IreceivedaphonecallfromDr.Whitney telling me that the messengerMark Prophet would be intown thateveningandhewoulddelivera lectureandadictation. Iwasthrilled!IhadtobethereandIhadtomeetthismessenger.Afteralloftheseyears trying to findGodfréRayKing, tonoavail, Ihad tohearadictation.

Iliterallyrantothismeeting.IwassoexcitedandIwantedtobeontime. My heart was pounding. I just couldn’t believe it. I was finallygoingtomeetthemessengeroftheascendedmasters.

34MarkProphet

It wasApril 22, 1961. I sat down in that tiny little room in that oldbuildinginBoston.Justahandfulofpeoplewerethere.WhenIsatdown,IfoundmyselfsittingoppositethemessengerMarkProphet.

IlookedintohiseyesandIrealizedthenthatIhadbeenlookingforthatpairofeyesallofmylife.IcanonlydescribethemasapairofeyesthathadmettheeyesofGod.Hehadaprofoundunderstanding,awisdomanda love thatwasextraordinary. Iknew that Ihad found theonewhocouldopenthedoorofconsciousness.Ihadfoundmyteacher.

Havingglimpsed the reality that shone forth fromhim, I closedmyeyes and began to meditate. While I was meditating, I noticed atremendous power. It was his aura. I was feeling an energy and aforcefieldthatIhadneverfeltbefore.Ihadmetmanypeoplesofarinmylife—travelingoverseas;goingtocollegeforfouryears;workingfortheMother Church and theChristian Science Monitor, at an insurancecompany,attheU.N.;movingamongtherichandpowerful.IhadstudiedEastern teachings.But inallmywanderings, Ihadn’t foundonepersonwhoseauraenvelopedmewithsuchanenergy,thesameintensepowerIhadknownasachildasthepoweroftheHolySpirit.

In thecourseofmeditating, I foundmyselfbeingdrawnup into the“mantle”ofaprophet.Thismantleisasymbolofanindividual’slight,orattainment, like the robe of Christ or themantle of Elijah that fell onElisha.And that’s just what it felt like. I was being swept up into thegarmentofhissoul.Itwasaspiralthatwastakingmetoanotherplaneofconsciousness—untilIfoundmyselfstandingwithMarkProphet,lookingintogalaxiesoflight,beingshownhowscienceandreligionareone,howthereisafierycore,apermanentatom,aGreatCentralSun,whichwe’venever even glimpsed from this point in cosmos, and galaxies of lightrevolvingaround it. Icouldseeenergymoving. Icouldseeenergyasarotationofbeing,ofthepolarityofGod,masculineandfeminine.

Heshowedmehowenergyasaprinciplebecomespersonifiedinthemanifestation of individuality at all different levels of being—Elohim,archangels, seraphim, cherubim, solar hierarchies and, finally, closer toearth,ascendedmasters.Thesemastersarepeoplelikeyouandmewhowere simply a little bit brighter, a little bit more illumined. They hadtranscended this plane and had overcome the problem of disease anddeath.

Finallyheshowedmewithhishandagroupofsoulsjustlikemyself.TheywerethegroupthatIhadcomefrom,andtheyhadnotyetresolvedtheproblemofbeing;theyhadnotyettranscendedthisplane.TheywerescheduledtotakeembodimentEastandWestinallreligionsandcultures.Theyhadone thing incommon—theyknewwho theywere,where theyhadcomefromandwheretheyhadlivedbefore.Theyunderstoodthesinewave of our evolutions in Spirit and Matter planes, in and out of themansionsofGod.Theyunderstoodcosmiclaw.Theyunderstoodenergyandtheyknewwhytheywereembodyingtokeepaflameoffreedomatalllevelsofhumanendeavor.

ThenMarkturnedandshowedmeanothergroupofsouls.Theywerealreadyinembodiment,andtheyappearedonthescreenofconsciousnesslikelittlecandleflames.Theywerehereandthereandeverywhere,inallofthenationsandreligionsoftheworld.WhenIlookedatthesesouls,Irecognizedthemasmybrothersandsisters.Iknewthemrightaway.

Thenhedrewmein,givingmeaclose-upreadingoftheiraurasandtheirmindsandwhat theywere thinking, andhe showedmesomethingthatwasthemoststartlingrevelation.Theyhadcomeoutofthoseplanesofconsciousnessandyet theyhad forgottenwho theywere,where theyhadcomefrom,andtheunderstandingofcosmiclawanditsoutworking.Theyhad even forgotten that theyhad amission, that theyhadmade avow toGod to serve theworldcommunity. I sawwell-meaningparentsand teachersateveryeconomic level throughout thenations.AndIsawveryclearlythattheywerenotabletopassontotheirchildrenwhattheythemselvesdidnotknow.

Therewasthedilemmaofthecenturies,thedilemmaoftheage,thedilemma of the transition fromPisces toAquarius. In themidst of the

buildupofnuclearpowerEastandWestandtheusesandabusesofthatpowerinallforms,thesewerethepeoplewho,withintheirsubconsciousandsuperconsciousminds,had thekey.Yet theywerenotpassing itonbecausetheyhadforgottenitandnolongerknewitataconsciouslevel.

Iwasseizedwithapassionwhichhasneverleftme,anditwastogoout and find those individuals, wherever they were, and to transfer tothem the teaching they had forgotten. I still didn’t know what theteachingwas.ButIknewIwasgoingtogetitandIwasgoingtostudyit,accelerateit,becomeitandmakeanysacrificethatwasnecessarytobeworthyofcarryingthattorch.ThenIwasgoingtorunwithituntilthosewhoalreadyhaditwrittenintheirinwardpartswouldcometoknowitintheirouterawareness.

I also realized clearly that I was not a teacher nor would I everbecome a teacher. All I could ever be was a reminder. These were amagnificentpeople,eachonetiedtohisownGodSource.Internally,theyknewtheLaw;Ijusthadtoremindthemofit.AndthemomentIwouldtransfer frommyheart that lightof theHolySpirit, theoneswhoknewwouldbequickened;theoneswhodidnotwouldnotunderstand.Itwasassimpleasthat.

All of this occurred in a fewmoments ofmeditation in this higherplane.ThenIfloatedgentlybacktomybodyinthatlittleroom,andtherestoodMarkProphetandhedeliveredasermon-lecture.Afterhefinished,Ifelthisauraincrease,probablybythemagnitudeoften.TheHolySpiritcameuponhim.AndthroughtheagencyoftheHolySpiritcameanotherbeing of light, an emissary of God. This masterful being wouldcommunicate through Mark, by the power of the spoken Word, themessageoftheHolySpirit.ThatbeingoflightwasArchangelMichael.

ArchangelMichaelwasstandingintheauraofMarkProphet.Thetwobecamecongruent,standinginthesamepointofGod-awareness—oneintheliberatedoctavesofSpirit,oneinmatter.Theoneinmatterwasthevessel for the one in Spirit to pour that message of the living Godthrough.

ArchangelMichaelsaidmanythingsthatnight,butwhatInotedmostwasatremendouspower.Isawthattherealpurposeinthecomingofan

emissary of God and in the use of the Holy Spirit was not only thetransferofateachingforoursoulsandforourconsciousness,butitwasatransferofenergy,ofconsciousness.Icouldfeelitenteringmychakras.

I knew that there was a spiritual evolution and that this was thepurposeof it.Therewerebeingswhowere justa littlebitbeyondus inevolution,justbeyondtheveiloftimeandspace.Bytheirdharma,theirduty to become their real selves, they had a supreme obligation to theuniverse. And that was to pass on that being, that identity, thatconsciousnesstothoseoflesserevolution.

Itislikeourobligationwhenwehaveatalentthatweperfect.Ifwebecomeskilledinplayingthepiano,incarpentryorinmakingflapjacksor ifwe become a great engineer, surgeon or attorney,we’remeant topassthatontothenextpersoninline.That’showculturemoves,that’showcivilizationmoves.Thisistheorderoftheuniverse.

ArchangelMichaelsaid,“PeopleofBoston,I’mcuttingyoufree!”Iknew he was talking to me, and yet I could feel his light go to everypersonlivinginthatcity.Iknewhewascuttingmefreefromwhateveritwas that was hindering me from finding the ascended master SaintGermain and that mission. It was an answer to a call. It wasn’t SaintGermain;itwasameanstogettohim.AndIrealizedthatImyselfhadtoaccelerateconsciousnessuntil I couldbe found inaplaneof awarenesswhere I could communicate with Saint Germain, and this would be aprocess.

This was the pivotal event of my life. Everything before it wasprologue.

35TheCall

AfterthatserviceIspentmanyhourstalkingwithMarkProphet.BeforethenightwasoverIwasaskinghimtoteachmehowtomeditate,howtodowhatevertheEasternyogisdid.Hewastired.HehadhadalongtripfromWashington.ButIwassohungry,sodesiroustolearn.

The next day was Sunday. Ruby Williams, one of the students inBoston,alwayscookedamealforthemessengerwhenhecametotown,andIwasinvitedtocomealong.AfterthemealIaskedMarkifIcouldspeaktohim.Wewalkedtoalittleparkthatwasnearthishomeandsatdownonabench.IsaidtoMark,“I’msupposedtobeamessenger.”

IhadrealizedthisthepreviouseveningwhenIsawMarkdeliverthatdictation. Itwas the first time inmy life that I knewmycalling, and Iknew it mirrored out of the image ofMark Prophet—I saw him and IknewwhoIwas.

Ihadbeenreadingthe“IAM”books,soIknewaboutmessengers.Iknewthattheydelivereddictationsfromtheascendedmasters,andIwasreading their dictations. But I had no sense of equating myself with amessengerorbeingamessengermyself.Thatwasthefarthestthingfrommymind. Iwas justhoping tobecomea studentofamaster—until thefatefuldaywhenImetMarkProphet.

Markconfirmedthatitwastrue.Yes,Iwasgoingtobeamessenger.JohnvanNess,oneofthestudentsfromWashington,haddrivenMark

to Boston in his car. At the time, he was Mark’s prime financialsupporter. His wife was a nurse. I don’t know that he worked, butwhatevermoneytheyhad,theygave.TheypaidforthehallwhereMarklectured,andsoforth.

OnthewaybacktoWashington,MarktoldvanNessthatIwasgoingto be amessenger.VanNess said, “If you ever put thatwoman on theplatform,Iwillwithdrawallfinancialsupport.”

Thatwas probably the first experience I had in the organization of

peoplebeingagainstme.Hecouldnotstandmeonsight.Butinspiteofalltheirthreatenings,vanNessandhiswifedidnotleavethegroup.Aftertheygotpasttheirinitialreaction,theytreatedmenicely.

***

SoonMark sentmeeverythinghehadprintedat that time—oneor twoKeepers of the Flame Lessons, the first three years of thePearls ofWisdom,andafewsheetsofdecrees.Ikeptall thislockedinasuitcaseundermybedinmyapartment.

Meanwhile, I attended services in Dr. Whitney’s sanctuary, and itwasn’t many weeks before I asked him if I could come in and lead aservicewhen theywerenotholdinga regular service there. Iwanted tocontributesomethingtothesanctuaryandtheworkofthemasters,andIwantedtogivedecreesfortheelementals,thenaturespirits.

They gave me a key so I could come in and lead those services.SometimesIwasallaloneexceptfortheelementalswhogatheredfortheservice.Atothertimesafewoftheelderlyladieswouldcome.Theyhadbeen studying these teachings formany years, but theywere very kindand let me lead the service anyway. I had a wonderful time, whetheranyoneelsewaspresentornot.

WhenMarkreturnedtoBostonattheendofMay,Isawhimagain.Isat at his feet, and every word that came out of his mouth wasnourishment to my soul. It was light, it was love. His voice had agentlenessandacaringthatIhadneverheardinmyparents.Theywerenotunkindorunloving,but Ineverheardcomeoutof theirmouths thewords, the comfort, the teaching or the enlightenment that I receivedfromMarkProphet.Itwasasifmysoulwasparched.

***

AfewweekslaterIwaswalkingthroughaparktoBostonUniversityand

abeingoflightcrossedmypath.ThemomentIsawhim,Iknewhim.ItwastheascendedmasterElMorya.

He looked almost seven feet tall. His aura was vibrating with atremendous dedication to the will of God. It was such an impassioneddedicationtothewillofGodthatitinspiredinmeatremendoustrust.Itwassoimpassionedthatitbecameasternness,almostanabruptness,anintensityofbeingthatonescarcelyobservesfromdaytodayinpeople.He looked at me with those intense eyes and said, “I have need of afemininemessenger.GotoWashingtonandIwilltrainyouthroughMarkProphet.And ifyoupassyour initiations,SaintGermainwill comeandanointyouasamessengerfortheascendedmasters.”

Itwasacrypticmessage.Thatisallhesaid.Hedidn’tevenwaitforananswerandhewasoff,andIwas leftstandingthere.Heappearedtome so concretely, looking like anyphysical person, andyet hewasnotphysical. He had raised my consciousness, cleared my third eye andloweredhimselftoanotherplane,andtherewasameetingoffrequenciesinvibrations.

Years later, I went back to Boston and stood on that spot. As Icontemplatedthatexperience,IrealizedthatwhenMoryahadappearedtome,hewassaying,“Youdon’thavetogobyyourinnerfeelingonbeingamessenger.Youdon’thavetogobyamanwhomyou’vejustmet.Iamshowingtoyouandprovingtoyouthat theascendedmastersarereal. Iamnotaskingyoutogiveyourlife,100percentofyourlifeandenergy,andtotaketheridicule,thescornandthecondemnationoftheworldforwhat I am going to pass through you without giving you this initialexperienceoftheabsoluteintegrityandrealityoftheascendedmasters.”Isawthatheappearedtomeoutofasenseofcosmichonor,notaskingmetowalkbyfaithbutbythescienceofknowing.

***

InJuly1961IflewdowntoWashingtontoattendaSummitLighthouseconferencethere.IcouldscarcelybelievewhatIsaw.Throughfourdays

of this conference, I saw Mark Prophet deliver dictations from theascendedmasters.Theywerestupendous.

I also saw that Mark Prophet did everything. The couple of daysbefore the class, hewas dressed in his overalls and on the floor doingwhateverneededtobedonetoputupthemasters’pictures,theflowers,thealtardecorations.Then the timewouldcomefor theconferenceandhe would bathe, put on his suit or his robe, and he would be on theplatformdeliveringtheWord.

Timeandagain,Isawhimjustbeforeadictationandhewasboweddownbysomesituation.Perhapsagroupofpeoplefromsomecitywerecriticizing him, and he had tomeet with them and fend off what theywere saying.And all of a sudden, the next thing he would be on theplatform,hisfacewouldbeshining,hewouldbethereinhisaltarrobe,and the most stupendous dictations would come forth.And to me, thepowerofGod,thevibrationofthedictationandtheWordthatpenetratedmy soulwas the proof of themessenger and the dispensation, if I everneededproof.Iknewthatitwashumanlyimpossibletodowhathedid.Ihad never seen a human being do what he did, on the platform andbeyond.Isawsuchtangibleradianceoflightcomingthroughhisskin—itshonewith a tremendous light.Whether Iwas the only one seeing it, Idon’tknow.

InthemidstofthephenomenonofseeingMarkProphetdeliverthesedictations,awomanattheconferencetookmetoherhotelroomandsatme down for two or three hours telling me terrible stories and gossipaboutMark.Andsomehow,itwaslikeitwasfedintomeanditwentintotheChristflameofmyheartandwasconsumed.

Markhadhishumanidiosyncrasies,whichwerenotthesamekindofidiosyncrasies that people had inRedBank,New Jersey, or inAntiochCollegeorinBoston,Massachusetts.HehadChippewaFalls,Wisconsin,idiosyncrasies, including the accent and theMidwestern twang.And hehadtheidiosyncrasiesofsomeonewhocameupthroughthedepression,livedinasmalltown,didn’tfinishhighschool,hadbeenonthespiritualpathallhislifeandwastrainedasamessenger.

There is no other being I have evermet in thisworld thatwas put

togetherlikeMarkProphet.Andifyouweren’treadyforthat,ifyouhada preconceived notion about what a messenger should be, how amessengershouldbeput togetherandwhatamessengershoulddo,say,wear,speakandhowheshouldcomporthimself—ifyoudidn’tgetridofthat,youwouldlikelybegintocriticizehimandbegintofinallydecidethatyouknewbetterthanhedidandeventuallyleavetheorganization.

Godalways sendsprophets andmessengers in apeculiarguise.Theprophets of Israel were something else to be dealt with. They wereabsolutelyuniqueintheirtimeanddidallkindsofcrazystuntstogetthepeopletoobeyGod’svoice.Aprophetissomeonewhogoesagainstthegrain of the entire civilization that he comes into.And I think that anoutstanding characteristic of the prophet is that he doesn’t care whatpeoplethinkofhim.Hehasjustcometodoacertainthing,hewalkswithGod,andthat’sit.

Ihadbeenlookingforthispersonallmylife,andIrecognizedallofthisinMarkProphet.

36BeyondChristianScience

AfterImetMarkProphet,IwenttoseeMr.Carr,myChristianScienceteacher.Hehadcometo townonbusinesswith thechurchandIhadanappointment to see him. When I arrived, Mr. Carr ushered me into asmallsittingareainhishotelroomattheMidtownMotorInn,andIsatdown.

ItoldhimaboutSaintGermain,thatIhadbeenstudyingthe“IAM”books,IhadfoundSaintGermainandIhadfoundthemessengerof theascendedmasters.Iwentwithhopeinmyheartthathewouldbebroad-mindedenoughtoreceiveandconsiderwhatIwassaying.ItoldhimthatthiswasthelogicalprogressionfromMaryBakerEddy’steaching.Thiswasthedoor,thiswasthenextstep.

Mr.CarrgavemealonglectureabouthowthiswasnottrueChristianScience.Hesaidthathehadexploredthe“IAM”teachingsmanyyearsagoandhehadcastthemaside.Theyweren’tforhim.Thisiswheremyidolbegantocrumble.

Atthetimehewasanup-and-comingChristianScientistandhewasgoingtomakeanameforhimselfinChristianScience.Hehadbecomeapractitionerandeventuallywouldbeateacher.AndwhatIperceivedandthe way I interpreted his position was that he was not going to allowanything to compromise his position in the church. He had selectedChristianScienceashiscallinginthislife,andifsomethingcamealongtodisturbthat,nomatterhowrealorhowtruthfulthatsomethingmightbe, he was not going to have ears to hear, eyes to see or a heart torespond.

Ihadcometospeakwithhimasmyteacher.Iputmyselfbeforehimas his student who had come to discuss the problem of what this wasgoingtomeaninmylifeandformymarriage.ItoldhimthestorythatIhad toldDagbefore Imarriedhim—thatwhenI foundSaintGermain Iwasgoingtoservehimfortherestofmylife.

Mr. Carr said, well, I was married now and I should follow myhusband,dropoutofschoolandsupportmyhusbandfinanciallywhilehewasstudying.HiscareerwastheonethatwasimportantandIdidn’tneedto further my education. Regardless of what I had said before I wasmarried,IwasmarriednowandIshouldfollowmyhusband.

Astheclincher,andthiswassupposedtogetmetostayinChristianScience, he said, “Betty, odd things happen to people who leave theChristian Science movement.” I said, “Like what?”And he said, “Oh,theyhaveaccidents,theygetkilled.”

Iwassoshockedthat thiscameoutofhismouth, thathewouldsaythis to influence me. And I looked at him and laughed, and I said,“You’ve got to be kidding. That is absolute superstition,” and I wouldhavenoneofit.

Whenhewassendingmeoffattheconclusionofthemeeting,whichhe seemed to think went fairly well, he just looked at me, smiled andsaid, “Betty, burn the books.” I felt like saying, “What is this, theInquisition?I’msupposedtoburnthebooksnow?”

SoIwalkedoutofthatplacesadlydisillusionedwithmyteacher.HehadnotrespondedtoSaintGermainandthe“IAM”teachings.Hecouldactuallyturnhisbackontheseteachingsanddenythemasreal,thismyteacherwhomI thoughthadagreat lightandagreatcontactwithGod.Thisisoneoftheprofoundgriefsofmylife,mydisillusionmentwithmyChristianScienceteacher.

***

Sincethattime,IhavereachedanewunderstandingofChristianScienceanditsteaching.ConcludinghertreatisesetforthinScienceandHealth,Mary Baker Eddy writes of her “present feeble sense of ChristianScience.”[52]Iamsure thatnoneofherstudentswouldaccuseherofafalsehumility.CertainlyherstatementbespeaksthevastnessofChristianScienceandofthedivinesciencefromwhichitisderived.

Ifshewhohealedthesickandcleansedthelepersoftheirsicksense

of self, who cast out the devils of orthodox Christianity and wrote sothoroughlyonChristianSciencethatsheestablishedaworldwidereligionbasedonitsprinciples—ifshecancallhersenseofit“feeble,”whatarewetocalloursenseofChristianScience?

I believe that Mrs. Eddy intended her students to follow in herfootstepsandeventoexceedher,justasJesussaidthatthosewhobelieveinhimshoulddotheworksthathedidandgreaterworks.[53]ThereforeIbelieve thatScienceandHealth andher combinedworks arewritten asopen books, that in them Mrs. Eddy set forth her present sense ofChristianScienceandsheexpectedherpresentfeeblesensetoyieldtoastronger, larger sense in the future. I believe she sawChristianScienceunfoldinghereandinthehereafter.Moreover,Ibelievethatsheexpectedher students to build on her foundation, which, if feeble, must see thestrengthening and enlarging process touching the teaching and themovementfromthefoundationupwardandoutward.

Ibelievethatinherconcerntoprotectthegrowthoftheteachingandthemovement,however,shefencedinherrevelationandleftnogate—nowayoutandnowayin.

I believe in the goal for every Christian and every scientist toduplicatethelifeandworkofJesusandofMaryBakerEddy—andthentogobeyondboth todo thegreaterworks thatneitheronefeltsatisfiedthey had achieved in their own lifetime. I believe that theaccomplishmentofworksmustbethroughapathofpersonalChristhood.

ChristianScientistsneedtogobeyondquotingJesusandMaryBakerEddy.TheyneedtointernalizethelivingWordandbecomethatWordinaction,becometheactiveforceforgoodintheircommunities,withsignsfollowing.[54] It is not enough to “know the truth”; one must “be thetruth”inaction.

37Karma

The daywhen I heard thatMarkProphetwas coming toBoston, I toldDagthatI’dliketogotothemeetingandIaskedhimifhewouldliketogotoo.Hesaidtome,“You’regoingtohavetochoosebetweenmeandtheascendedmasters.”Andhegavemeanultimatum:“It’seithermeorSaintGermain.”Hedidn’twantmemarriedtohimunlessIwouldchoosehiminplaceofSaintGermain.Thatwashisultimatum.

Isaid,“Ihavenochoice.Mymindisalreadymadeup,asItoldyou,andIhavetofollowSaintGermain.”Ididn’twanttostaymarriedtohimon those terms.At that point, Dag moved into the living room and Istayedinthebedroom.Themarriagewasbasicallyfinished.

So then it was a strained relationship.Wewere going our separateways,buthedidn’tquitebelieveit.HeknewthatMarkwasinthepicturein termsof beingmy teacher.The reason I stayed as long as I did, forfourmonths,wastoaccruemorecreditsatB.U.soIcouldgetmydegree.

Meanwhile,myparentsweretryingtodiscouragemefromfollowingMark: “Thisman is a total stranger.He’s twiceyour age.Youhavenoideawho he is, where he came from.What are you doing breaking upyourmarriage, leavingChristian Science, leaving theMotherChurch?”(Mindyou,theyhadneversupportedmeinChristianSciencebefore.)

Every once in awhile, I am a bit gullible and a bit naïve, andmyparentsknewthis.Iwaslikethatinmyteensandinmytwenties.SoIhadtostopandaskmyselfthesamequestionstheywereaskingme.

ButI justknewIcouldnevergobacktoDag.Iknewthattherewasnothingthereandthathewouldn’tbehappywithmeanyway.Itwasanemotionalattachmentthathehadforme.Heidealizedme.Hesawmeasaspiritualperson.HesawmydedicationtoChristianScience.Andhedidnot believe I could ever leave that church. He didn’t perceive thatmydevotionwasnottotheorganizationbuttoGodhimself.

IwascalledbyGod,andIknewthat thiswasa truecalling.Iknew

thatthiswaswhatIhadwaitedforallmylife.Therewasnotashadowofa doubt. I just had to bring up the rear of my emotional body. It washeartbreakingformetohavetoendthismarriagethatIbelievedin,butIhadtogoon.IhadmadethiscommitmenttoGod.

***

When Iwas at the 1961 July conference ofThe SummitLighthouse inWashington,D.C., Iwas soburdenedand I couldnotunderstandhow Ihadmarriedthispersontobeonlymarriedtenmonths.HowdidImakethismistakeandwhydidIdoit?IbeggedMarkProphettotellme,andfinallyherelented.

MarkexplainedtomethatwhenmyGodPresencesaid“Itisbutforalittlewhile,”thiswastellingmethatitwouldbebutalittlewhileforthecompletionofbalancingmykarmawithDag.Markexplained tome,ashewastoldbyElMorya, thatIhadkarmawith this lifestreamthathadbeen ongoing for a number of embodiments and I could not become amessengerorbetrainedtobeamessengeruntilthatkarmawasbalanced.NorcouldIbecontactedbySaintGermainuntilthekarmawasbalanced.Thiswaswhy I had sought themaster for a numberof years before hecame.

There is an indelible impression inmybeing of thememory of thepastlifewithDaginwhichIhadmadethiskarma,anditwasoneofthedarkesthoursofmyexistence.Intheninthcentury,IhadbeenbornintoafamilyoffishermeninDenmark.WhenIgrewup,ayoungfishermanwasattractedtome,butIwasnotmuchinterestedinhim.Hewentoutonalongfishingtripwithhisfather.Icanseetheshipscomingin,andIcansee thewomenandchildrengoing togreet theseshipsandreceive theirhusbands,theirfathersandtheirsonsbackfromthelongtrip.

I see them coming off the boat and coming up the path. I see theyoungfishermancomingtowardmyhouse.IaminmykitchenandIampreparingameal.IhaveacarvingknifeinmyhandandIamcuttingupvegetables.HecameintomyhouseasIwaspreparingthismeal,andhe

cameatmeandhedesiredme.Irebuffedhim,andthereforeherapedme.Iwasoutraged.Theknifewasinmyhand,andinmyrageatthisoffenseagainstme,Ikilledhim.Thiswascertainlyoneofthemosttragiceventsinmyhistory.

I livedthis lifeout,andafterIpassedonIwentbeforeacouncilofbeingsoflightknownastheLordsofKarma.Icanrememberthatsceneclearlyalso.IkneltbeforethemandIwassobbing.Isaidtothem,“Iwilldoanythingtobalancethiskarma.Iwillservethispersonaslongasyouwillhavemeservehim.Letmegivehimbackthe life thatI tookfromhim.” And so the Lords of Karma assigned me to a number ofembodimentswhereIcouldservehim.

Theamazingteachinginthismatteristhatthecrimeofmurderisnotjustifiedbythecrimeofrape.Andwemustallrememberthiswhenwefeeltheangerwithinoursoulsriseupattheviolationofourbodies.

My next lifetime was one of those in which the Lords of Karmagraciouslygavemetheopportunitytobalancethiskarma.IwaslivinginJapan,aboutA.D.900.Iwasbornpoor,IwasforcedtomarryamanIdidnotlove,andhebecameacripple.Welivedinabjectpoverty,eatingnextto nothing. So I pursued the only trade I could; I became a prostitute,therefore having to voluntarily give my body to many because I haddenied it to this one. This man was the same soul I had killed inDenmark.IhadtoservehimtobalancethekarmaofmurderandalsotolearnthelessonthatthisbodyisthebodyofGod,thatGodwilldowhathewillswiththisbodyand,nomatterwhat,rapedoesnotjustifymurder.

EightyyearslaterIreturnedtoJapanagaininanotherembodiment.Iwasintentonbalancingthiskarma,andtheLordsofKarmagavemetheopportunity.Iwasmarriedagaintothesameman.Thistimehesupportedus.HewasataxidermistandIservedhimashiswife.Bytheendofthatlife, the karma of themurderwas still not paid off and I had to finishpayingitoffinthislife.

Themessage fromElMoryawas that if I hadnotmarriedDag andservedhim,itwouldhavetakenmenineyearsofgeneralservicetolifetobalance that karma. This message conveys the lesson that it is mucheasiertobalancekarmawithanindividualdirectly,ifatallpossible.And

ifthebalancingofkarmaisindirect,ittakeslonger.Had I not obeyed this inner voice and married Dag, I would have

postponedmymeetingofSaintGermain for nineyears from that time.Andafter ImetMarkProphet, itwasonly twelveyears tillhe tookhisleavefromthisoctave.SoifIhadindeedfoundhimnineyearslater(andImightnothave),Iwouldhaveonlyhadthreeyearswithhim.Thereforebybeingobedienttotheinnervoiceandservingthisindividual,Ifinishedbalancingmykarmawithhim.

***

After the July 1961 conference, I went back home tomy apartment inBoston andDagwas there. One night I was in the kitchen preparing ameal and I was cutting vegetables with a large knife. It was a smallapartment and Dag was out in the hallway. He started an argument,yellingatmefromthehallway,whileIwasinthekitchen.Iforgetwhatthe argumentwas about.Nothing is ever significant about arguments. Ithinkthatunderneathitall,hewasannoyedthatIhadmadethechoiceforSaintGermainanditwasfinal.

Knife in hand, I walked out into the hallway and started allowingmyself to engage in this argument. Then I looked at the knife and Ilookedathim.In that instant, Idroppedtheknife,walkedbackinto thekitchenandresumedpreparingthemeal.

Iwas sograteful tohavehad that teaching and tounderstand that Ihad come full circle. I was standing at the point where I had been inDenmarkwithaknifeinmyhand.Andbylettinggooftheknife,thiswastheend.Ihadfulfilledthatkarmaandtherelationshipended.

Thiswasagreat lessonforme—thefact thatkarmadoeslimitwhatwecandoinworldservice,andallofusneedtotendtothedetailsofourkarma.Butwhenaparticularkarmaisbalanced,wehavetomoveon.

After Iwent toWashington,Dag and Iwere divorced. I am certainthatitwasforthebetter.Ihaven’tbeenincontactwithhimsince,butI’msure he’s had much greater happiness than he would have if he had

remained married to me. So the divorce was the best thing that couldhavehappened.

We didn’t divorce over any explosive argument. In fact, we werequite compatible and we were good friends. It was a point ofconfrontationbetweentwoopposingviews.IwasservingSaintGermainandhewasadedicatedChristianScientist.Hedidn’twantmewith thatreligionandIwasn’tgoingtobedeprivedofit.Therewasnothingelsetodobutformetoleave.

For me, a glimmer of hope in that situation is that the Norwegianname Ytreberg means “the outermost mountain” or “the farthestmountain.” I always had the sense that I was destined for that highestmountain.Somethingelsethatreflectedthisglimmerofhopewasatinydiamond that my mother had given to me.When I would be washingdishesandseeitslightshiningunderneaththedishwater,itstirredinmetremendous faith that I was on the springboard to Saint Germain.AndwhateverIwasdoing,Iwoulddowelluntilhecame.

***

Entering themarriage with Dag, I walked the tightrope of faith, beingentirelyblindfoldedaboutwhatIwasactuallydoing.NowIknowthatIwasfulfillingtherequirementstomeetSaintGermain, that thiswasthelast labyrinth I had to go through in order to get to meet him. Andsomehow,mysouljustdidit.

Sometimeswehavetodothingsthatsocietydoesn’tapproveof.Myparentsdidn’tapproveofmyleavingDag,myfriendsdidn’tapproveofit.IhadtowalkalonetofollowMarkProphet.

Everystepof theway,Ihadtopaytheprice.Andeverystepupthemountain,thereisapricetobepaid.Ifwearewillingtopaythepriceofourkarma,stepbystepwedoreachthegoal.ItisbythesheergraceofGod that I was given the opportunity to balance that karma.At innerlevelsandinmanylifetimes,Ihaveaskedfortheopportunitytobalancemykarma,andithasneverbeendeniedme.

38Mary

BeforeIleftBoston,Iwastohaveoneofthemostimportantexperiencesonmypath.Ittaughtmemoreaboutmyselfthanmybestinstructorsandyears of philosophy, logic or psychology. I realized that I had had aprejudice imposeduponmesincechildhoodthat Ihadneverchallengedandneverreasonedthroughformyself.Likeanythingthatwearetaughtandweacceptearlyinlife,itwasjusttheregrowinginsideofme.

Childhoodindoctrinationscanbecomesuchablindness,suchablightonthenaturalunfoldmentofoursouls.Sometimestheyaresoentrenchedthat we do not break the stranglehold of our prejudices for decades oreveninagivenlifetime.

IhadalwaysreceivedmuchcomfortinCatholicchurches.ButIstillbelieved, as I had been told, that Catholics worshiped idols and thatMother Mary was some sort of a goddess who allowed herself to becalledthe“MotherofGod”andothersuchthings.I thought thatpeopleworshipedherpersoninplaceofGod.Ididn’tunderstandwhyapersonneededtogothroughMarytogettoJesusinordertogettoGod.AndIwas taught that peoplemade her equalwith or even greater than JesusChristorAlmightyGodhimself.

IfoundmyselfreactingwithintensefeelingstotheimagesandiconsofMotherMaryalloverBoston.OneinparticularwasahugemuralthatcoveredthewallofthesubwayItooktoBostonUniversityeveryday.Onthemuralwas the title “Queen of theUniverse.” If shewas so great, Ithought,whydidsheallowthisblasphemy?Iwasangrywithher.Withall the other problems that made for division and confusion inChristendom,why didn’t she come down and straighten this one out! IguessIwasdisturbedonlybecausedeepdowninsideofmeIreallylovedher,andIwantedtoknowherasshewas,assheis,andnotasothershadportrayedhertome.

ThatsunnydayinBoston,IwasinthejoyofthepresenceofGod,the

hosts of the Lord, the holy angels. Theywere real. Theyweremovingamong us to help us in this “time of trouble” thatDaniel foresaw.[55]Therewashope,muchhope inmyheart for theworld.Confident in theLord, I was walking, fairly skipping, along the sidewalk onCommonwealthAvenue in themiddleof lunch-hourcrowdsand traffic.AndIwasprayingandtalkingtoGodinjoyousrealizationofhisservantsons anddaughters, the ascendedmasters. I had foundwhat I hadbeenlookingfor.

Yet,thoughIdidn’tknowitfully,onethingwaslacking.Oneareaofmy life was still a void. It was in this state of my unawareness, myignorance, and my conscious and unconscious programmed hostilitytowardMarythatshefoundme.

AllofasuddenIlookedupandthereshewas!Iwasfacetofacewiththe Blessed Mother. I saw clearly, for the first time in my life, thebeautifulMary,abeingofgreatlight.Achargeoflightandindescribablejoypassedthroughmybody,travelinglikealoopofelectricityfrommyhead to my feet and back again. I remember the exact place in thepavementwhereIwasstopped—transfixed,transformed.

She had the face of a young maiden, a daughter of God. She wasMichelangelo’sPietà,alive andwell andglorious. I sawher at once asMary,theWomanoftheage,andasalightemanationofagreaterlight.Herimmaculateheartwasonfirewithanenergythatshetransmittedatwill to me, to anyone. It was clear that she was the one whose puredevotion to the Fatherwas a crystal stream, and its issuewas the Son,JesusChrist.

There she was before me, the most transcendent and lovely youngwoman, full of grace, truth, beauty and integrity. She was suspendedaboveandbeforeme,asrealasyouare,asrealasIam.Shewassomeoneyou could invite into your kitchen to have a cup of tea, someone youcouldtalktoaboutanything.Shewassomeonejust likeme,exceptthatshewasinanotherdimension.

But she wasn’t quite like me; she was something much more. Herpresencewasresplendentwiththelightshehadadoredandbecome.Shehadbecomesomethingofacosmosallherown.Shehadenteredintoand

consciously become a part of life, infinity, that I had not. She hadrealizedagreaterportionoftheSelfthanmostofearth’sevolutionshadanyideaevenexisted.Therewasenoughlikeher(thedivinepart)inme,andenoughlikeme(thehumanpart)inherthatIknewthatwhatevershehaddonetobecomewhatshewas,Icouldfollowherleadanddoit,too,ifshewouldshowmetheway.

Theloveofherheartpouredouttome.Itmeltedmysoul,myself.Inthe presence of her immense compassion, I was being wrapped in theswaddling garment of her understanding. She knew my sin andunderstoodit.Therewasanexchange.ByherwisdomIwasmadewhole.In that instant I realized that I had loved her, the real Mother Mary,forever.

Allofthatunrealoverlayfromearlieryearsdroppedfromme,andIsawherinallofherbeauty,radiance,loveandutterhumilitybeforeGod—andbeforehislightburninginmyownbeing,howeverimperfect.Ifeltashamed that I had allowed myself to be shrouded in the world’sconsciousness covering the Mother. And I thought, “What otherbrainwashinghaveyouacceptedbecauseitisthewayoftheworld?Thinkof it!All of this you have taken in fromother people contrary to yourtruest feelings, and from people who have set themselves up asauthoritiesinmattersofthesoulinitscommunionwiththeSpirit.Thisyou were willing to accept—without going to the fount of Life anddemandingyourownempirical,scientificallyspiritualproof—whenLifeasGod,asMotherwassoreadyandwillingtorevealitselftoyou!”

Iwassomovedandsotouchedbyherreality,insteadoftheunrealitythat I had been programmed to feel, that I literally ran to the nearestCatholic church. I knelt beforeher statue and asked for forgiveness forthenegativethoughtsandfeelingsIhadheld.Ialsogavetohermylifeandaskedhertousemeasaninstrumentofhermotheringofallpeople.

Ever since then, the joy that I’ve had of havingMotherMary as aconstantcompanionandadviserinmylifehasbeensimplyboundless.IamsogratefulthatMotherMarywasconcernedenoughaboutonepersontoshowmeherpresenceandherreality. Instantaneously, thisdissolvedallofa lifetime’sworthof indoctrination. I realized that if shehadnot

done this, Iwould not have had that conversion of theHoly Spirit sheconveyedandIwouldhavebeenleftinignorance.Iwouldhavebeenleftin a state of making the karma of disputing the office, presence andpersonofthisonewhoservesastheBlessedMother.

InknowingMaryasshetrulyis,Ihavecometoseeherasarelentlessand constant force, challenging the oppression of her childreneverywhere,ineveryfaith,ineveryreligion.SheisaWorldMother,andIhaveseenthisinhertremendousmasteryoflife.

Eveninmywillfulnessandindependence,Godwasshowingmelittlebylittlehowutterlyandtotallyinadequatemysubjectiveawarenesswas.IwasbeingshownandIwascomingtoaccept,withanewfoundhumilityandpatience,thatIdesperatelyneededateacher.

39ANewLife

ElMorya appeared tome onemore time before I left Boston to go toWashington, D.C. He gave me one more proof, because he knew theelement of doubt that lurks within all of us, and sure enough it waslurking.

Iwasinmyapartmentpreparingtopassthetorchinvariouscollegeorganizationsandatwork,andIwastryingtogetmythingstogether.Itseemedlikeatallordertogetallofthisdoneandleave.

Suddenly, I felt him come through the door of the apartment,although,of course,hedidn’tneed to come through thedoor.He stoodthere big and tall, vibratingwith themomentumof his devotion to thewillofGod.Thedoubtingpartofmesaid,“Goaheadandprovehe’snotreal!Goahead!Juststepthroughhim.Ifyoucanstepthroughhim,he’snotreal.”AndIthought,“Well,thatmakessense.”

Sotherehestoodinfrontofmewithalovethatisindescribable,withtheintensityofthedevotiontomysoulandtoeverythingIhadeverbeenseeking.ButinthatsplitsecondImadeadecision.Iwalkedthroughhim.Iwalkedrightthroughhim,andIturnedaroundandhewasstillthere.Ithen felt very sheepish and very embarrassed. I had proven nothingexceptthattheascendedmastersarereal.

Moryawas real.He stayedwithme. Things got together and Iwasreadytogo.

But I had that lastmoment of looking back, that great sin of Lot’swife.And it was a looking back because Iwas leavingmy family andeveryone I knew in church, in school and on the job. In fact, I waswalkingoutonmywholelifewithoutevenbeingabletocommunicatetoanyone why I was leaving. I knew that they wouldn’t understand andtherewasnopoint in evenbeginning thediscussion. Iwas just leavingtown,andIwassaying,“Good-bye,Iamgoing.”

Inthefaceofallthis,therewasahorrendousoutcry,anditbeganto

beapull,likethepullofaplanet.EverybodyIknewwaspullingonme.ItwassuchamagnetismthatIcouldn’t leave.Iwaswalkingoutofmychurch, walking out of my marriage, walking out of my entire life tofollow one man that I’d seen only a few times. Everybody was in anuproar.Myparentswere furiousandautomaticallyhated thisman,whowastwentyyearsolderthanme.

TheenergywasextremelyheavyandIdidn’tthinkIwasgoingtobeabletogetthroughit.ButeverytimeIhadeverhadaproblem,IwouldopenmyBibleandJesuswouldgivemetheverseIneededtoread.SoIsaid,“Jesus,IknowthisisthewillofGod.Youwantmetodothis.IneedthestrengthandIneedthedirection.”AndtheBiblefellopen,anditsaid,“Thereweretwolaborerslaboringinthefield.Onewastakenandanotherwasleft.”

And so I said, “I understand. He can’t go along.” For reasonsunknowntome,Iwastheonetaken,andthatstatementgavemethelightandthecourageIneededandonIwent.

***

I had received letters addressed tome fromMorya and Saint GermaintellingmetocometoWashington.IhadthevisionsofMoryaintheparkandinmyapartment.Thesignalswereclear.IhadalltheindicatorsthattoldmeImustgo.Whateveritwouldcostme,Imustgo.AndIwantedtogo.Ihadfoundmyteacher.IhadfoundSaintGermain.Iwasready.

Itwasnotaminutetoosoon,butitwasalsonotaminutetoolate.Theascendedmastersletmemature,whichincludedtheexperienceofbeingmarriedandbalancing thatkarma.Theyletmebemyownguruuntil itwasobvioustomethatIneededaGuru.

I had roughplaces inmypersonality frommyownkarma,myownpast embodiments and from the example of my parents. And I wasextremely strong willed. Growing up in a small town in the East andgoing to school inNewEngland, Ihadacertainattitude.MarkProphetgrewupinWisconsinandhadn’tfinishedhighschool.Andbetweenme

andMark,therewasatwenty-yearagedifference.Giventhatthehumanwill is unpredictable, the masters couldn’t predict what might happenwhenwegottogether.

Would I reject him because of this or that human idiosyncrasy hehad?Orwould Ihavehungeredand longedfor themastersso long thatwhenIfinallyfoundhim,Iwouldbeready?

Thelatterwasthecase.Iwasdefinitelyready.

***

OnAugust23,1961,Markcametomyapartment inBostonandmovedmeout.He,DagandImovedmyfurniture,myclothes,mybooksandallofmybelongingsintoaU-HaulthatwasattachedtothebackofMark’scar.Whenwewerefinishedpacking,IkissedDaggood-bye,walkedoutwithMark, got in the car, and started the long journey toWashington,D.C.

WhenIwalkedoutofthatapartment,itwaslikeIhadconcludedonelifetimeandIwasstartinganother.Itwassosudden.IcriedmostofthewaytoWashington.Itwasaverytraumaticexperience.

ButIknewIwantedtodoit.IwasabsolutelycertainIwantedtodoit.

So that evening inWashington, I knelt at my bed and called to ElMorya. I had his framed picture right onmy bed. I said, “ElMorya, Iknowthatbytomorrowmorningallofthisisgoingtobegone.”Ihadtheabsoluteconvictionthat’sexactlywhatwasgoingtohappen.“ElMorya,Iknow you’re going to take this from me,” I said, “and tomorrow mytrainingwillstart,andI’mgoingtodoit.”

Igotupthenextmorning.Therewasnotevenahintofanyburden.Iwasreadyformymission.

Chronology

April8,1939:BornatMonmouthMemorialHospital,LongBranch,N.J.March3,1942:HansWulftakentoEllisIslandSeptember1944:StartsschoolSpring1946:TriptoSwitzerlandtovisitrelativesSummer1948:Leginjurykeepsherinbedthewholesummer1949:JanePetherbridgemovestoMaineJuly1949:SummercampatCampMatollionequayJune1952:TravelstoMainewithhermothertovisitJanePetherbridge;visitsBostononthewayhomeJuly1953:SpendsamonthwithJanePetherbridgeSummer1954:JanePetherbridgevisitsRedBankandBeachHavenJune1955:AttendsRedBankHighseniorpromwithVladimirSummer1955:VisitsBeachHavenaloneApril8,1956:PromptingfromSaintGermaintogotoSwitzerlandtostudyFrenchMay28,1956:LeavesforSwitzerlandJuly1956:StartshighschoolinNeuchâtelDecember1956:VisitsParisonthewayhomefromSwitzerlandJanuary1957:CommencesfinalhalfofsenioryearinhighschoolatRedBankHighJune1957:GraduatesfromhighschoolSummer1957:SummerjobasawaitressSeptember1957:SeespictureofSaintGermain;CommencesstudiesatAntiochCollegeSummer1958:FrenchsummercampatÉcoleChamplainAugust6,1958:LettertoGodfréRayKing

August7,1958:FoundingofTheSummitLighthouseFall1958:Assistanttodelegates’photographerattheThirteenthGeneralAssemblyoftheUnitedNationsWinter1959:FinalquarteratAntiochCollegeSpring1959:Co-opjobatTuftsUniversityMay1959:MeetsCharlesM.CarrAugust1959:AttendsChristianScienceclassinstructionwithMr.CarratMontclair,N.J.September1959:CommencesclassesatBostonUniversity;WorksatChristianScienceMonitorMay1960:MarriesDagYtrebergSeptember1960:StartsteachingatChristianScienceMotherChurchSundayschoolApril22,1961:MeetsMarkProphetJune1961:CalledbyElMoryatogotoWashington,D.C.,tobetrainedasamessengerJuly1961:AttendsSummitLighthouseconferenceinWashingtonAugust1961:MovestoWashingtontocommencehertrainingtobeamessengerfortheascendedmasters

Notes

AllquotesfromtheBiblearetakenfromtheKingJamesVersion.[*] TheMightyIAMPresence ishowGodfrédescribed thePresenceofGodthatisindividualizedforeverysoul.[†]“Zellie,”aSwissnickname,shortfor“mademoiselle.”[‡]In1956itwassafetohitchhikearoundEurope,unliketoday.[1]ICor.13:11,12.[2]Theascendedmastersareenlightenedspiritualbeingswhooncelivedonearth, fulfilled their reason forbeingandhaveascended,or reunitedwithGod.Theascendedmastersare the true teachersofmankind.TheydirectthespiritualevolutionofalldevoteesofGodandguidethembacktotheirSource.[3]TheGreatCommandment:“ThoushaltlovetheLordthyGodwithallthyheart,andwithallthysoul,andwithallthymind.Thisisthefirstandgreatcommandment.Andthesecondislikeuntoit,Thoushaltlovethyneighborasthyself.”Matt.22:37–39.[4]Theastralplaneisthelowestvibratingfrequencyoftimeandspace;the repository of mankind’s thoughts and feelings, conscious andunconscious.[5]Mark10:27.[6]John5:17.[7] Mary Baker Eddy,Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures(Boston:FirstChurchofChrist,Scientist,1971),p.468.[8]Exod.20:3.[9]Matt.6:24.[10]MaryBakerEddy,“FeedMySheep,”1887.[11]Thecollectivesubconsciousoftheplanethasbeendescribedbytheascended masters as the astral sea. Souls departing this earth mustnavigate throughtheserealmsofdarknessandillusioninorder toreachtheoctavesoflightknownastheethericplane.[12]Rev.16:7.[13]WilliamShakespeare,“Sonnet30,”lines13–14.

[14]Matt.22:37;Deut.6:5.[15]KahlilGibran,TheProphet (NewYork:AlfredA.Knopf,1953),p.12.[16]Heb.12:6.[17]Mark10:29,30.[18]Matt.28:18.[19]ICor.13:7.[20]ICor.12–14.[21]Isa.1:18.[22]ICor.13:10.[23]Matt.10:37.[24]Ps.23:4.[25]John11:25.[26]IJohn4:8,16.[27]MaryBakerEddy,“CommunionHymn.”[28]Jer.31:33;Heb.10:16.[29]John6:53.[30]Exod.3:14.[31]John6:35;8:12;10:7,11;11:25;14:6;15:5.[32]John10:30;5:30;14:10;5:17;9:4.[33]John14:12.[34]Phil.2:5.[35] Mary Baker Eddy, “Tenets of the Mother Church,” first tenet, inManualoftheMotherChurch(Boston:TrusteesundertheWillofMaryBakerG.Eddy,1936),p.15.[36]Luke2:19.[37]MaryBakerEddy,ScienceandHealth,p.308.[38]Ibid.,p.577.[39]Rev.7:9–17.[40]MaryBakerEddy,ScienceandHealth,p.513(italicsmine).[41]Ibid.,p.476(italicsmine).[42]Ibid.,pp.264–65(italicsmine).[43] For example, see Irving C. Tomlinson,Twelve Years with MaryBaker Eddy: Recollections and Experiences(Boston: Christian Science

PublishingSociety,1945).[44]MaryBakerEddy,ChristandChristmas:APoem,stanza12(Boston:TrusteesundertheWillofMaryBakerG.Eddy,1925),p.53.[45]Ps.148:1–5.[46]Luke2:13.[47]HymnbyArthurC.Ainger,“Purpose.”[48] Years later when I was studying the Teachings of the AscendedMasters, I learned that Archangel Gabriel is the angel of theannunciation, not only toMary and Joseph announcing the birth of theChristChildbuttoallmothersandfatherswhoaretobringforthachild,eventhoughtheymaynotbeawareoftheangel’spresence.IalsolearnedthatArchangelGabriel comes to announcekey initiations in the life ofthesoul.ThusIrealizedthatitwasGabrielhimselfwhosepresenceIfeltonthechurchstepsandwhoputthewordsinmymouth,“Why,Ihavetomakemyascensioninthislife!”[49]MaryBakerEddy,ScienceandHealth,p.581.[50]John10:16.[51]WhenIcametounderstandtheteachingsofthemasters,IrealizedthatMatterisrealinthesensethatitistherepositoryforSpirit—itisachalice.Itisnothardanddense,butitisenergyinmotion.MatterreallyisMother,anditisthepolarityofSpirit.Butmostofitisillusion;mostofitisunreal.MostofwhatweseeasMatterismaya.

But the greater understanding I received from the masters is thatSpirit andMatter are not two distinct things, but they are one, as thetotality of God’s wholeness. And when we look at ourselves, at whatappears to beMatter, we are actually seeing Spirit coalesced in form.Someofwhatweseeisn’treal,andsomeofwhatweseeisreal.Andsoitdepends on theway you conceive of thewordswhether youwould say“Matterisnotreal,”or“Matterisreal.”[52]MaryBakerEddy,ScienceandHealth,p.577.[53]John14:12.[54]Mark16:20.[55]Dan.12:1.

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www.ElizabethClareProphet.org

Elizabeth Clare Prophet is a world-renowned author, lecturer andteacherwhohaspioneered techniques inpracticalspirituality, includingthe creative power of sound for personal growth and worldtransformation.Amongherbest-sellingbooksareFallenAngelsandtheOrigins of Evil,The Lost Years of Jesus , The Lost Teachings of Jesusseries,Kabbalah: Key to Your Inner Power and her Pocket Guides toPractical Spirituality series, which includesCreative AbundanceandVioletFlametoHealBody,MindandSoul.

For almost three decades she provided leadership for The SummitLighthouseandtheKeepersoftheFlameFraternity,bothfoundedbyherlate husband Mark L. Prophet. Together they established SummitUniversity in 1971. Four years later Mrs. Prophet founded ChurchUniversalandTriumphantandSummitUniversityPress.More thanonehundredoftheirbookshavebeenpublishedbySummitUniversityPressand awide selection of them are translated into a total of twenty-ninelanguages. They are available in bookstores throughout the world andfromonlinebooksellers.

Duringher careerMrs.Prophet taught inmore than thirty countriesworldwide,conductingseminarsandretreatsonsuchtopicsaskarmaandreincarnation, angels, prophecy and the mystical paths of the world’sreligions.