emotional healing learn to...but this book goes a long way to making them a lot less painful. full...
TRANSCRIPT
Dr David BealesSpecialist in mind-body medicine
Helen WhittenAuthor of Cognitive Behavioural Coaching Techniques For Dummies
Learn to:• Understand where negative emotions
come from
• Recognise how your emotions affect you mentally and physically
• Heal yourself with thinking, lifestyle and behavioural strategies
Emotional Healing
Making Everything Easier!™
‘Emotional experiences, like it or not, always form emotional scars . . . but this book goes a long way to making them a lot less painful. Full of kindness, compassion, good sense, facts and intelligent strategies, this truly helpful guide leaves most self-help books far behind. ’
– Virginia Ironside, Agony Aunt at The Independent
Open the book and find:
• Ways to boost your body’s immune system against stress and fatigue
• Tips on enhancing your emotional intelligence
• Pointers on forging meaningful relationships
• Guidance on identifying support networks
• Advice on letting go of past grief, anger and rejection
• How to improve your work-life balance
• Ways to rebalance your emotional chemistry
• The lowdown on the healing power of laughter
Dr David Beales is a Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians. He uses
methods described in this book to create mind–body toolkits to help
individual clients restore their wellbeing, health and vitality. Helen Whitten
is an accredited coach and mediator specialising in cognitive behavioural
coaching and neuro-linguistic programming. She is Managing Director of
Positiveworks, a coaching consultancy that helps people make the best
of their lives.
£15.99 UK / $26.99 US / $31.99 CN
ISBN 978-0-470-74764-3
Self-improvement
Go to Dummies.com®
for videos, step-by-step examples, how-to articles, or to shop!
Face your emotions head on and take control of your lifeHow many times have you said ‘I’m fine!’, when really you’re not? Bottling up emotions can wear out your body, damaging your physical appearance and internal organs as well as limiting the way you think and communicate. This expert toolkit contains all the strategies you need to recognise and resolve harmful emotional states, leaving you physically and mentally ready to face present and future challenges with confidence.
• Discover the basics — explore the physiology of emotions and how emotional trauma can result in lasting physical symptoms
• Tune into your body — revamp your diet, exercise, breathing and sleep patterns to help create inner calm
• Put your feelings into context — map out your emotional history, resolve lingering issues and learn to focus on the positive
• Heal yourself — practise mindfulness, motivate yourself to change and free your creative spirit
• Look ahead — identify long-term challenges and plan ways to help yourself and others deal with difficult emotions
Emotional H
ealing
Beales Whitten
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Emotional Healing
FOR
DUMmIES‰
by Dr David Beales and Helen Whitten
Emotional Healing
FOR
DUMmIES‰
A John Wiley and Sons, Ltd, Publication
01_747643-ffirs.indd iii01_747643-ffirs.indd iii 11/9/09 9:35 AM11/9/09 9:35 AM
Emotional Healing For Dummies®
Published byJohn Wiley & Sons, LtdThe AtriumSouthern GateChichesterWest SussexPO19 8SQEngland
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Copyright © 2010 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex, England
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex
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British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN: 978-0-470-74764-3
Printed and bound in Great Britain by TJ International, Padstow, Cornwall
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
About the AuthorsDr David Beales, FRCP MRCGP DCH Dip Psych, is a faculty member of the
Royal College of Physicians, Royal College of General Practitioners and the
Royal Society of Medicine. He was formerly Chief Medical Offi cer of the
Bristol Cancer Help Centre and has more than 30 years’ experience in the
fi eld of medicine. David lectures, conducts workshops and has an individual
practice.
David works within the speciality of mind-body medicine and aims to help
clients understand and relieve the impact of sustained stress. When this gets
locked into body-mind an over-revved state is created where signals of dis-
tress need to be interpreted and relieved. Symptoms may range from anxiety
and depression to functional syndromes like irritable bowel, fi bromyalgia and
chronic pain. These disturbances of inner balance can be resolved by creat-
ing the mind-body tool kit that allows the recovery of health and well being.
David’s aim in this book is to distil the fruits of his experience, culled from
many disciplines.
Helen Whitten is a personal and executive coach, accredited by the
Association for Coaching. She is founder and Managing Director of
Positiveworks Ltd and is also a practising facilitator, mediator, trainer
and writer. She is trained in cognitive-behavioural psychology and neuro-
linguistic programming, and applies cognitive-behavioural coaching models
to personal and professional development, enabling individuals to develop
confi dence, break through old patterns of behaviour and achieve greater
potential in their lives and their careers.
Helen is the author of Cognitive-Behavioural Coaching Techniques For Dummies, is a member of the Association for Coaching, the International
Stress Management Association and the CIPD and is a CEDR Accredited
Mediator. She has a degree in history and a postgraduate in personnel
management.
Helen’s career began in publishing and historical research. In mid-life she
decided to pursue her interest in people and psychology, went to university
as a mature student and changed career. This transition required her to face
many of her own fears, healing personal issues so as to develop the self-
knowledge required to work with others. Helen believes that people have the
potential to enhance every aspect of their life, relationships and happiness
when given the right support, encouragement, tools and techniques.
Author’s AcknowledgementsWe would like to say a special thank you to our clients and all those who
have shared their stories with us. We have been inspired and honoured to
have worked with some wonderful and courageous people who have shared
their personal experiences and challenges with us and found the resilience to
move towards healing.
We would like to thank our sons, families, friends and colleagues who have
put us through our paces over the years and no doubt taught us some of the
lessons we needed to learn! We recognise that there are plenty more lessons
to come.
Thanks also to Steve Edwards and the team at John Wiley, for their editorial
comments, encouragement and support in bringing this book to publication.
And to Anna Rawlinson for her technical expertise.
Are you ready to take a whole new look at emotions? This book tackles them from every angle – mind, body and spirit – explaining why they are an essential part of human nature, and how to live in lively harmony with a full spectrum of emotions. I don’t believe there is anyone who couldn’t learn something from this comprehensive little book.
- David Peters, Professor of Integrated Healthcare
at the University of Westminster
This book will show you how to re-channel all the energy you unknowingly used to cause yourself pain and suffering into healing yourself. By simply becoming aware of the power of breathing to influence all aspects of physical, mental and emotional health you can awaken to a new life experience which will be yours to nurture and enjoy. I have pulled myself out of a 30-year self-destructive pattern by applying the principles covered in this book and cannot praise its authors highly enough.
- Diana Bellinger, Client of David Beales
Publisher’s Acknowledgements
We’re proud of this book; please send us your comments through our Dummies online registration
form located at www.dummies.com/register/.
Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following:
Commissioning, Editorial,
and Media Development
Project Editor: Steve Edwards
Content Editor: Jo Theedom
Commissioning Editor: Wejdan Ismail
Assistant Editor: Jennifer Prytherch
Development Editor: Brian Kramer
Copy Editor: Andy Finch
Technical Editor: Anna Rawlinson
Proofreader: David Price
Production Manager: Daniel Mersey
Cover Photos: © Image Source Pink/Alamy
Cartoons: Ed McLachlan
Composition Services
Project Coordinator: Lynsey Stanford
Layout and Graphics: Joyce Haughey
Proofreader: Jessica Kramer
Indexer: Ty Koontz
Special Help
Brand Reviewer: Jennifer Bingham
Contents at a GlanceIntroduction ................................................................ 1
Part I: Introducing Emotional Healing ........................... 7Chapter 1: Understanding Emotional Healing ................................................................ 9
Chapter 2: Exploring the Physiology of Emotion ......................................................... 25
Chapter 3: Tuning In to Your Emotions ........................................................................ 43
Part II: Emotions and Your Body ................................. 57Chapter 4: Unravelling Feelings and Food: What’s Eating You? ................................ 59
Chapter 5: Tackling Tiredness: Following Your Body Rhythms ................................ 75
Chapter 6: Actively Engaging in Your Emotional Healing ........................................... 89
Part III: Emotional Healing for Real Life ................... 105Chapter 7: Putting Your Emotions in Context ............................................................ 107
Chapter 8: Facing Up to Emotional Challenges .......................................................... 125
Chapter 9: Managing Relationships ............................................................................. 147
Chapter 10: Getting Through Tough Times ................................................................ 169
Chapter 11: Coping with Life’s Transitions ................................................................ 187
Part IV: The Emotional Healing Toolkit ...................... 201Chapter 12: Managing Feelings with Thinking Strategies ......................................... 203
Chapter 13: Finding Insight through Mindfulness ..................................................... 215
Chapter 14: Using Day-to-Day Strategies for Emotional Healing .............................. 229
Chapter 15: Living as an Emotionally Healed Person ................................................ 247
Part V: Taking Your Healing to New Levels ................ 265Chapter 16: Planning Ahead: Handling Diffi cult Emotions in the Future ................ 267
Chapter 17: Inspiring Healing in Others ...................................................................... 281
Chapter 18: Helping Your Child Heal........................................................................... 293
Part VI: The Part of Tens .......................................... 307Chapter 19: Ten Ways to Heal Emotional Wounds .................................................... 309
Chapter 20: Ten Ways to Stay Positive ....................................................................... 315
Chapter 21: Ten Activities for Emotional Healing...................................................... 321
Appendix: Useful Contacts and Resources .................. 327
Index ...................................................................... 333
Table of ContentsIntroduction ................................................................. 1
About This Book .............................................................................................. 1
Conventions Used in This Book ..................................................................... 2
Foolish Assumptions ....................................................................................... 2
How This Book Is Organised .......................................................................... 3
Part I: Introducing Emotional Healing ................................................. 3
Part II: Emotions and Your Body ......................................................... 3
Part III: Emotional Healing for Real Life .............................................. 4
Part IV: The Emotional Healing Toolkit ............................................... 4
Part V: Taking Your Healing to New Levels ........................................ 4
Part VI: The Part of Tens ....................................................................... 4
Appendix ................................................................................................. 5
Icons Used in This Book ................................................................................. 5
Where to Go from Here ................................................................................... 6
Part I: Introducing Emotional Healing ............................ 7
Chapter 1: Understanding Emotional Healing. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9Appreciating the Role of Emotions ............................................................. 10
Sending signals to yourself ................................................................. 10
Assessing your basic needs ................................................................ 11
Considering whether your needs are being met .............................. 14
Linking Thoughts and Feelings .................................................................... 15
Conditioning your emotional responses........................................... 15
Recognising your mental models ....................................................... 17
Recognising How Emotions Infl uence Actions ........................................... 18
Acting sensibly – or not ...................................................................... 18
Getting stuck in old pain ..................................................................... 19
Unsticking yourself .............................................................................. 20
Encountering Obstacles ................................................................................ 21
Journeying through the Emotional Healing Process ................................. 22
Chapter 2: Exploring the Physiology of Emotion. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25Understanding the Threat Response .......................................................... 26
Looking at the brain’s reactions to threats ...................................... 26
Tackling the persistent stress response ........................................... 28
Ensuring reactions to threat don’t hijack thought .......................... 30
Unravelling feelings from thinking ..................................................... 31
Emotional Healing For Dummies xiiListening to Your Body Talk ......................................................................... 32
Recognising how emotions manifest in the body ............................ 33
Understanding where you hold emotions ........................................ 35
Healing the cause and not just the symptom ................................... 36
Knowing how to respond to body talk in words .............................. 37
Dealing with depression...................................................................... 39
Tuning Into Your Breathing .......................................................................... 40
Understanding over-breathing ........................................................... 40
Using the six-breaths-a-minute technique ........................................ 40
Chapter 3: Tuning In to Your Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43Observing Your Emotional Gauge ............................................................... 44
Starting out: I feel. . . ............................................................................ 44
Journaling emotions for self-discovery ............................................. 45
Noticing your breathing signals ......................................................... 46
Listening to the intuitive whispers .................................................... 47
Making Friends with Your Feelings ............................................................. 49
Accepting your emotional responses................................................ 49
Understanding that feelings are about meeting needs ................... 50
Pattern matching to past emotional events ..................................... 51
Focusing on the positives ................................................................... 52
Calling Time Out ............................................................................................ 54
Cutting out the emotional noise ........................................................ 54
Taking a break from overwhelming feelings .................................... 55
Part II: Emotions and Your Body .................................. 57
Chapter 4: Unravelling Feelings and Food: What’s Eating You? . . . . .59Identifying Emotional Undercurrents in Your Eating Habits ................... 59
Considering how eating affects mood ............................................... 60
Analysing how feelings affect eating habits ..................................... 60
Working through Feelings Relating to Food ............................................... 62
Recognising that you deserve to eat well ......................................... 62
Understanding the symbolism of food .............................................. 63
Letting go of childhood conditioning ................................................ 63
Having a healthy body image ............................................................. 64
Adopting Healthy Eating Habits ................................................................... 66
Minimising unhealthy eating .............................................................. 66
Eating well for health and mood ........................................................ 67
Minding what you eat .......................................................................... 69
Creating a Healthy-Living Plan ..................................................................... 70
Getting in the right mindset ............................................................... 71
Aiming for a healthy weight ................................................................ 71
Setting your goals ................................................................................ 72
Making a self-care plan ........................................................................ 73
xiii Table of Contents
Chapter 5: Tackling Tiredness: Following Your Body Rhythms. . . . . .75Letting Your Body Follow Nature’s Way ..................................................... 75
Tuning In to the Rhythms of the Day .......................................................... 76
Knowing when you work best ............................................................ 76
Balancing rest and activity ................................................................. 77
Re-energising through breath ............................................................ 79
Considering Seasonal Rhythms ................................................................... 80
Recharging Your Body: Getting a Good Night’s Sleep .............................. 81
Understanding why your body needs good sleep ........................... 81
Knowing how much sleep you need .................................................. 82
Developing healthy sleep patterns .................................................... 82
Avoiding Fatigue ............................................................................................ 84
Recognising the symptoms of profound tiredness.......................... 85
Identifying what’s wearing you out ................................................... 86
Steering clear of burnout and dis-ease ............................................. 86
Chapter 6: Actively Engaging in Your Emotional Healing. . . . . . . . . . .89Exercising for the Good of Your Body and Mind ....................................... 89
Re-balancing your chemistry.............................................................. 90
Releasing emotions during exercise .................................................. 91
Choosing the right exercise for you .................................................. 92
Paying Attention ............................................................................................ 93
Walking mindfully ................................................................................ 94
Journeying through nature ................................................................. 95
Recalling favourite stories .................................................................. 96
Slowing your pace ................................................................................ 96
Shifting Old Emotions through Bodywork ................................................. 98
Adjusting your posture and releasing defensive body armour ..... 98
Quietening your body and mind through movement ..................... 99
Freeing your spirit through dance ..................................................... 99
Breathing the Breath of Life through Song ............................................... 100
Conducting your breathing rhythms for singing ........................... 101
Singing to restore positive emotions .............................................. 102
Part III: Emotional Healing for Real Life .................... 105
Chapter 7: Putting Your Emotions in Context . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .107Researching Your Family History .............................................................. 108
Resolving Old Family Issues ....................................................................... 109
Examining expectations .................................................................... 110
Defi ning yourself ................................................................................ 111
Realising that no one has a perfect childhood .............................. 112
Releasing old traumas through words and action......................... 113
Choosing to share your feelings ...................................................... 114
Finding forgiveness ............................................................................ 114
Emotional Healing For Dummies xivIdentifying Your Support Network ............................................................ 116
Making one-on-one connections ...................................................... 116
Going for groups ................................................................................ 117
Balancing Your Life: Choosing Priorities .................................................. 118
Masking your emotions with over-activity ..................................... 118
Gauging your work-life balance ........................................................ 119
Managing the ups and downs of life ................................................ 120
Gender bending – housework needs doing .................................... 121
Travelling Along Life’s Emotional Journey ............................................... 122
Matching emotions to events ........................................................... 122
Appreciating the nature of needs .................................................... 123
Switching the messages .................................................................... 123
Chapter 8: Facing Up to Emotional Challenges. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .125Working Through Denial ............................................................................. 126
Avoiding emotions ............................................................................. 126
Opening up ......................................................................................... 127
Projecting Your Feelings onto Others ....................................................... 128
Expressing Emotions Appropriately ......................................................... 130
Talking with your body ..................................................................... 130
Using words ........................................................................................ 131
Defusing anger .................................................................................... 132
Reducing the Impact of Traumatic Events ............................................... 134
Asking for help ................................................................................... 135
Managing post-traumatic stress....................................................... 135
Re-parenting yourself ........................................................................ 139
Developing emotional resilience ...................................................... 140
Coming to Terms with Disappointment .................................................... 142
Forgiving yourself and others .......................................................... 143
Finding your personal mantra .......................................................... 144
Building on your past ........................................................................ 145
Chapter 9: Managing Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .147Bonding with Others: No One Is an Island ............................................... 148
Loving yourself so you can love others .......................................... 148
Knowing where to look for love ....................................................... 149
Spending time with people who make you feel good .................... 150
Relating to the Opposite Sex: Me Tarzan You Jane! ................................ 151
Looking at emotions during puberty ............................................... 152
Seeing how biological difference impacts feelings ........................ 152
Coping When You Feel Let Down .............................................................. 153
Identifying your needs....................................................................... 153
Considering your expectations ........................................................ 154
Releasing blame ................................................................................. 155
Keeping things real ............................................................................ 156
xv Table of Contents
Dealing with Anger ...................................................................................... 157
Thinking about where you direct your anger ................................ 157
Measuring your internal pressure cooker ...................................... 159
Taking time out to control anger ..................................................... 160
Dealing with abuse ............................................................................. 161
Healing Your Relationships ........................................................................ 162
Letting go of past hurt ....................................................................... 162
Talking through problems ................................................................ 164
Thinking about how you relate to others ....................................... 165
Bringing out the best in one another .............................................. 167
Chapter 10: Getting Through Tough Times. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .169Working Through Grief ............................................................................... 169
Understanding the phases of grieving ............................................ 170
Tuning into your grieving process .................................................. 172
Boosting immune function................................................................ 173
Overcoming Fears ........................................................................................ 174
Fearing failure ..................................................................................... 174
Avoiding feeling sad .......................................................................... 177
Recovering courage ........................................................................... 178
Managing Rejection ..................................................................................... 179
Locating your sense of control ........................................................ 179
Rebounding after rejection ............................................................... 180
Putting rejection in perspective....................................................... 181
Separating from Signifi cant Others ........................................................... 182
Mending your broken heart .............................................................. 183
Working towards reconciliation ...................................................... 183
Daring to date ..................................................................................... 185
Chapter 11: Coping with Life’s Transitions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .187Riding the Waves of Change ....................................................................... 188
Reviewing your peaks and troughs ................................................. 188
Gaining emotional maturity: Considering perspectives ............... 189
Flowing with the endings and beginnings....................................... 191
Shedding redundant emotional skins to achieve happiness ........ 192
Growing Up Emotionally ............................................................................. 193
Listening to your inner child, adult and parent ............................. 193
Taking responsibility in the adult world ......................................... 194
Triangulating: Acting in threes ......................................................... 195
Spotting and rewriting scripts.......................................................... 196
Making Sense of Illness, Ageing and Death .............................................. 197
Dealing with illness and disability ................................................... 198
Managing the ageing process ........................................................... 199
Facing death in peace ........................................................................ 200
Emotional Healing For Dummies xviPart IV: The Emotional Healing Toolkit ....................... 201
Chapter 12: Managing Feelings with Thinking Strategies . . . . . . . . .203Seeing How Thinking Impacts Feeling ....................................................... 204
Examining self-generated emotions ................................................. 204
Switching out of distorted thinking ................................................. 206
Thinking rationally............................................................................. 209
Choosing thoughts that make you feel good .................................. 210
Controlling Your Emotional Responses .................................................... 211
Living in the Moment .................................................................................. 211
Focusing on the present.................................................................... 211
Curbing your assumptions ............................................................... 212
Embracing the Healing Power of Laughter ............................................... 213
Chapter 13: Finding Insight through Mindfulness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .215Stilling Your Mind ........................................................................................ 216
Becoming aware ................................................................................. 216
Finding your observing self .............................................................. 218
Going further ...................................................................................... 220
Visualising Emotional Healing .................................................................... 223
Practising Mindfulness Every Day ............................................................. 224
Being, not doing ................................................................................. 224
Responding to your activity cycles ................................................. 226
Moving into Meditation ............................................................................... 226
Changing state: Breathing space meditation.................................. 227
Choosing wise action......................................................................... 228
Chapter 14: Using Day-to-Day Strategies for Emotional Healing . . .229Expressing Your Emotional Needs ............................................................ 230
Giving yourself an emotional check-up ........................................... 230
Taking care of yourself ...................................................................... 231
Sharing solutions ............................................................................... 232
Finding new perspectives ................................................................. 234
Preparing for diffi cult conversations .............................................. 235
Changing Behaviours Day by Day ............................................................. 238
Taking tiny steps ................................................................................ 238
Motivating yourself ............................................................................ 238
Injecting Creativity into Your Day ............................................................. 240
Taking little creative breaks ............................................................. 241
Letting go of your inner critic .......................................................... 241
Developing the artist within ............................................................. 242
Playing with words: Poetry ............................................................... 244
xvii Table of Contents
Chapter 15: Living as an Emotionally Healed Person . . . . . . . . . . . . .247Tuning Up Your Body and Mind ................................................................ 248
Getting physical ................................................................................. 248
Thinking your way to better health ................................................. 249
Maintaining physical energy ............................................................ 250
Attending to Your Emotional Needs ......................................................... 251
Finding security through trust ......................................................... 251
Getting intimate.................................................................................. 252
Balancing Your Personal and Social Needs .............................................. 255
Finding alone time ............................................................................. 256
Developing healthy boundaries ....................................................... 256
Satisfying Your Spiritual Needs ................................................................. 258
Finding your special purpose in life ................................................ 258
Allowing your unique gifts to shine ................................................. 259
Developing compassion for yourself and others ........................... 260
Sketching Your Vision and Goals .............................................................. 261
Finding new meaning in life .............................................................. 263
Stepping out of your comfort zone .................................................. 264
Part V: Taking Your Healing to New Levels ................. 265
Chapter 16: Planning Ahead: Handling Diffi cult Emotions in the Future . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .267
Responding to Diffi cult Situations ............................................................. 268
Identifying potential challenges ....................................................... 268
Taking action ...................................................................................... 270
Managing emotions – your own and others’ .................................. 272
Dealing with fear ................................................................................ 273
Taking One Step at a Time .......................................................................... 275
Reviewing what heals and what doesn’t ......................................... 275
Rehearsing to overcome obstacles ................................................. 276
Working together ............................................................................... 277
Visualising success ............................................................................ 277
Staying out of the rut ......................................................................... 278
Acknowledging, releasing and growing again ................................ 279
Chapter 17: Inspiring Healing in Others . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .281Understanding that Emotions are Infectious ........................................... 281
Feeling as a group .............................................................................. 282
Breaking with the pack ...................................................................... 283
Taking responsibility for your emotional message ....................... 284
Emotional Healing For Dummies xviiiHelping Others to Heal ................................................................................ 285
Making time to listen ......................................................................... 286
Giving love and empathy .................................................................. 287
Changing Emotional Patterns in Relationships ....................................... 288
Recognising (and not reopening) old wounds ............................... 289
Helping others move on .................................................................... 290
Chapter 18: Helping Your Child Heal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .293Creating Time to Accept and Grieve ......................................................... 294
Feeling the feelings ............................................................................ 294
Knowing what’s normal..................................................................... 296
Guiding your child along the path ................................................... 298
Helping Your Child Express Feelings ........................................................ 300
Getting down to those feelings......................................................... 301
Releasing anger and guilt safely ....................................................... 302
Facing guilt as a parent ..................................................................... 303
Finding support for children ............................................................ 304
Moving On from Traumatic Events ........................................................... 304
Daring to discipline............................................................................ 305
Looking forward ................................................................................. 305
Part VI: The Part of Tens ........................................... 307
Chapter 19: Ten Ways to Heal Emotional Wounds. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .309Setting Your Own Agenda ........................................................................... 309
Refl ecting Before Acting ............................................................................. 310
Developing Better Sleep Patterns .............................................................. 310
Moving towards Acceptance ...................................................................... 311
Quietening Your Breath for Ten Minutes ................................................. 312
Scanning Your Body .................................................................................... 312
Keeping Your Body Flexible ....................................................................... 313
Finding Your Relaxation Response ........................................................... 313
Improving Your Breathing Chemistry ....................................................... 314
Taking Action ............................................................................................... 314
Chapter 20: Ten Ways to Stay Positive. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .315Recognising Your Emotional Needs .......................................................... 315
Accepting Your Need to Belong ................................................................. 316
Focusing on Your Strengths ....................................................................... 317
Detecting Prolonged Stress and Taking Action ....................................... 317
Rehearsing Best Outcomes ........................................................................ 317
Moving Beyond Old Traumas .................................................................... 318
xix Table of Contents
Switching to Supportive Emotions ............................................................ 318
Living in the Now ......................................................................................... 319
Expressing Feelings in Words .................................................................... 319
Changing Your Thinking ............................................................................. 320
Chapter 21: Ten Activities for Emotional Healing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .321Treating Emotions as Friends .................................................................... 321
Practising Loving Kindness ........................................................................ 322
Taking Time for Morning Mindfulness and Journaling ........................... 322
Releasing Pain and Finding Compassion .................................................. 323
Brushing Away Negative Thoughts ........................................................... 324
Adopting Healthy Eating Choices .............................................................. 324
Gaining Perspective ..................................................................................... 324
Creating Boundaries .................................................................................... 325
Accepting Your Body .................................................................................. 326
Finding Patience and Peace ........................................................................ 326
Appendix: Useful Contacts and Resources ................... 327Professional Bodies that Offer Support .................................................... 327
Professional Organisations ........................................................................ 329
Books ............................................................................................................. 330
Index ....................................................................... 333
Emotional Healing For Dummies xx
Introduction
Emotional healing relates to every human being: no one has a perfect life.
You have probably, like everyone else, been hurt or misunderstood,
been in conflict or in love, experienced acceptance or rejection, and suffered
losses, including bereavement. Most of the time you’re able to dust yourself
down and carry on, but at other times certain experiences result in wounds
that linger on, negatively influencing your life.
Unhealed emotions can result in dysfunctional relationships, depression and
physical and mental illness. Unresolved issues and emotional trauma can be
locked deep inside your body and mind, creating disturbed bodily responses,
emotional reactivity leading to problematic thinking and behaviour.
Therefore, taking time to explore your own issues is extremely worthwhile,
so that you can release them and move forward.
Emotional healing is required when you hold on to memories or feelings
that still cause you pain. Your underlying drive as a human being is to seek
pleasure and avoid pain. As you transition through many different life events
this goal can become easier because you get better at identifying things that
make you happy and more adept at avoiding things that cause you pain. You
also develop resilience and develop ways to manage your emotions more
effectively. Yet certain memories and events may still disturb you even as
you face old age and death. Finding a way to make peace with past pain and
grievances enables you to heal.
This book can help you explore and achieve emotional healing in problematic
areas of your own life. We recognise that doing so takes great courage on
your part, and we salute you for the step you’re taking in picking up the book.
We want to help you free yourself of past burdens, take control of your life
and find ways to enjoy aspects of it that you may have had difficulty enjoying
before.
About This BookOur aim in writing this book is to give you the opportunity to heal yourself or
work with others in their emotional healing. We have extensive experience
of working with people to address mental, emotional and physical problems.
We’re sharing with you the models and processes that have helped our
clients – and us in our own lives.
2 Emotional Healing For Dummies
We offer you a wide variety of methods to transform the way you think about
and manage the events, memories and concerns of your life. We hope that
these options enable you to heal and come to terms with areas of your life
that have not worked out the way you wanted.
Inevitably, people encounter a huge range of diverse emotional experiences,
from the everyday irritations and disappointments of life to major traumas
and tragedies. We can’t cover every situation in this book. We’re fully aware
of, and a little in awe of, our responsibility to those of you who have the
courage to face your difficulties. We very much hope that you can adapt the
models and stories we share with you to suit your own specific situations
and begin to find healing.
Conventions Used in This BookTo help you gain the most from this book and be able to pick up information
and suggestions as quickly as possible, we use certain conventions:
✓ We refer to those individuals who have come to us for support as clients.
Nearly all the information in this book can relate to any reader, and so
we sometimes refer to a client as ‘he’ and sometimes as ‘she’. For general
examples and those in which clients aren’t named, we use male gender in
odd-numbered chapters and female in even-numbered chapters.
✓ The personal stories and examples come from specific experiences
within our coaching and counselling practices, but they aren’t direct
representations of any one client or event.
✓ Sometimes we use the term ‘feeling’ and other times we use ‘emotion’.
We refer to a feeling when it is a more direct bodily experience and the
word emotion when we discuss a situation where action is necessary.
Foolish AssumptionsWe assume, though we may be wrong, that some of the following statements
apply to you:
✓ You’re seeking to address and release emotional pain.
✓ You want some methods, tools and techniques to support your healing.
✓ You may be working to help others achieve emotional healing.
3 Introduction
✓ You may connect with some of the stories and examples we use and be
able to apply the lessons to your own life.
✓ You’re willing to explore the subject of emotional healing in order to
enhance your own life or that of someone you know.
How This Book Is OrganisedWe divide the book into six parts, and each part has a specific focus. The
Table of Contents gives you an overview of how we divide chapters and
topics. Although we cover many aspects of emotional healing throughout
the book, you don’t have to read it from start to finish. You can skip or refer
directly to any section that may resonate with your own life.
Part I: Introducing Emotional HealingWe introduce you to the subject of emotional healing and how you can tune
into your own emotions. When you understand how your mind, body and
emotions are closely linked, you can pick up on your body’s warning signals
that your emotions are disturbed. We introduce you to the Emotional Healing
Process, which provides you with steps to stop, breathe and take space to
observe how you’re responding to life challenges. We share with you ways to
recognise your physical symptoms and make good decisions about how to
take actions that reflect your personal needs and goals.
Part II: Emotions and Your BodyRecognising that your mind, body and emotions are a finely tuned and inte-
grated system is essential to creating balance and wellbeing in the future. We
help you consider how your body is responding to your emotional experi-
ences and give you strategies to care for yourself and encourage good health.
We show how your breath is the conductor of your emotions, signalling when
you’re disturbed and providing you with the key to rebalancing and achiev-
ing emotional equilibrium.
4 Emotional Healing For Dummies
Part III: Emotional Healing for Real LifeGet ready to review your own life, exploring childhood influences and life
events that may have been difficult or traumatic. You discover the role
of expectations in your response to emotional situations and find the
courage to identify and move through past pain so that you can forgive
yourself and others. We help you to understand the phases of loss and
grief so that you can be patient with yourself in your healing process and
let go of past pain. You even find tips and strategies to prepare for life’s
transitions and
imperfections.
Part IV: The Emotional Healing ToolkitWe introduce you to four specific clusters of approaches that help you
to heal yourself emotionally now and in the future. We give you thinking
strategies to ensure that your mind focuses on optimistic, rational and
constructive thoughts. We focus on mindfulness – sharing our favourite
practices to relax and quieten body and mind through a variety of strate-
gies, including breathing techniques – and provide suggestions for lifestyle
strategies that you can practise every day in order to maintain emotional
balance. In addition, we describe several practices and behaviours that
you can adopt to become an emotionally healed person.
Part V: Taking Your Healing to New LevelsWe help you begin to think about your future as well as the emotional
health of people around you. We show you how to ensure that you don’t
fall back into old behaviours and instead enjoy and move through the next
stages of your life. Your emotional state impacts other people, and so we
describe how you can use your own knowledge to help others heal, includ-
ing your children.
Part VI: The Part of TensIn the Part of Tens, we share quick tips and stories that serve as speedy
reference points. You find strategies to heal your emotional wounds and
develop good lifestyle practices and activities that help you maintain
your health and positivity.
5 Introduction
AppendixThis resource lists contact details of organisations that can further support
your healing. We include websites that lead you to specific information and
share a booklist of titles that enable you to discover even more about emo-
tional healing.
Icons Used in This BookWe use the following icons in this book so that you can immediately identify
which parts of the book can be helpful to you:
This icon highlights practical advice that you can apply in your own life.
Bear in mind the crucial information under this icon while reading the book –
and throughout your life in general.
Take a second look at material under this icon; it may well help you avoid a
pitfall.
Read this story or short case study based on one of our real-life clients to dis-
cover some specific truths of the emotional healing process.
Time to get going! Do these activities and get ready to reap the rewards of
emotional healing.
This icon indicates a topic or question that you need to stop and consider in
order to ask yourself whether this sort of thing happens in your own life.
6 Emotional Healing For Dummies
Where to Go from HereWe suggest that you take a good look at the Table of Contents and have a
quick flip through the book in order to get an overview of the subjects we
cover. Then take some time – perhaps have a walk outside or a few minutes
to just sit and think – to reflect quietly on how the topics you noticed impact
your own life.
Of course, you can skip to any part of the book that you feel is most relevant,
but if possible, start by reading Part I because this part introduces you to
many of the basic concepts that we touch on again and again in the book.
After that, feel free to read the book in exactly the way you choose.
You may find that this book and its activities churn up past wounds. Be gentle
with yourself and take a little time out. Talk with a friend or counsellor about
the issues that are raised. Getting professional help can provide you with a
safe environment in which to discuss your feelings and find a way through to
healing.
‘All right, Gerald, no one had a perfectchildhood, but for goodness sake, you
can’t live forever in the past!’
Part IIntroducing
Emotional Healing
In this part . . .
Take a moment and think about what healing yourself
emotionally may mean for you personally. In this part,
you discover how your body uses physical symptoms to
alert you to emotional disturbance and how you can begin
to tune in to these messages so you can take action to
address your emotional problems.
We share information about the biology of emotions and
how it impacts your body’s self-healing system. We also
give you specific techniques that help you re-balance and
re-set your body’s stress response.