eq for children

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www.ag.ndsu.nodak.edu 1

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MAY 2006

BRIGHT BEGINNINGS #12

Sean Brotherson, Ph.D.

Family Science SpecialistNDSU Extension Service

Instead of asking

How smart are you? about

a child, a much better question

to ask would be How are you

smart? Intelligence comes

in different varieties, fromathletic competence to

musical expression, and people

are smart in different ways.

Among these different forms

of intelligence is one that is

very important to a childs

happiness and life success

emotional intelligence.emotional intelligence.emotional intelligence.emotional intelligence.emotional intelligence.

North Dakota State UniversityFargo, North Dakota 58105

Fostering EmotionalIntelligence inYoung Children

What is Emotional

Intelligence?When dealing with our awareness

and use of emotions, being

heart smart helps. If you are

concerned about health, you

normally might think of being

heart smart as taking care of

your heart by eating right and

exercising regularly. However,

a person can be heart smart in

a different sense. It relates to whatwe call emotional intelligence.

Some research suggests social

and emotional intelligence is

distinct from academic ability,

and it also is a key part of what

makes people do well in the

practicalities and relationships

of life. What exactly is emotional

intelligence?

Emotional intelligence has

been defined as a type of socialintelligence that involves the

ability to monitor ones own and

others emotions, to discriminate

among them and to use the

information to guide ones

thinking and actions. Emotional

intelligence also is referred

to as EI or EQ. Specifically,

emotional intelligence concerns

the awareness of our own and

others feelings, their influence on

us and how to manage emotions

in positive and meaningful ways.

Emotional intelligence relates to

how we recognize, understand

and choose how we feel, think or

act. EQ affects a childs capacity

to relate to others, interact and

communicate, and also his or

her ability to express feelings

ranging from love to anger to

trust. Recent work in the area

of emotional intelligence has led

to a broad view that suggests it

contributes in important ways

to success in life.


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2 FS-667 Bright Beginnings #12 Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Young Children

Thinking About Emotional Intelligence

Awareness of your own feelings and a childs emotional responses can help assess aspects of emotional

intelligence. This learning activity shares questions related to feelings. Check your own emotional responses

as a parent for each question (Never to Always). Then consider a particular child and check emotional

responses for that child, too. This is not a scientific evaluation, but it can help you think about areas of

emotional intelligence to focus on for yourself or a particular child.

1. Aware of subtle feelings as theyare felt or experienced.(emotional awareness)

2. Uses feelings to help make bigdecisions in life.(feelings and motivation)

3. Bad moods areoverwhelming.(managing feelings of distress)

4. When angry, blows top or fumesin silence.(managing anger)

5. Can delay gratification in pursuit of goalsinstead of being carried away by impulses.(controlling emotional impulses)

6. Instead of giving up in the face of setbacks ordisappointments, remains hopeful and optimistic.(maintaining positive emotions)

7. Able to sense what others feel withoutthem having to say it.(awareness of others feelings)

8. Have trouble handling conflict andemotional upsets in relationships.

(emotion and relationships)

9. Feel compassionate toward others who havetrouble based on a sense of their feelings.(empathy for others)

10. Can soothe or contain distressing feelings sothey dont become a distraction to other things.(managing feelings of distress)

Some-Never Rarely times Usually Often

Parent

Child

Parent

Child

Parent

Child

Parent

Child

Parent

Child

Parent

Child

Parent

Child

Parent

Child

Parent

Child

Parent

Child


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Raising EmotionallyIntelligent ChildrenThe area of emotional intelligence

has at least five critical domains

or competencies. These are the

abilities we can promote with

young children, even in theirvery early years. Five primary

competencies of emotional

intelligence are:

Awareness of your ownemotions

Managing your own emotions

Motivating oneself

Empathy for others

Handling relationships

Parents and caregivers can

facilitate the development of

these competencies as they

interact with young children and

provide models for them to follow.

1. Awareness of Your

Own Emotions

Personal awareness relates toknowing your own emotions,

or observing yourself andrecognizing feelings as theyarise. Young children do not

automatically understand theirfeelings. They can benefit fromguidance in learning abouttheir feelings. Some ideas toconsider:

Express your feelingswith words that indicate or

identify feelings. Adults can

model awareness of feelingsby explaining that they feelsad or feel angry. Thishelps children learn everyonehas emotions and a varietyof feelings are normal. Also,tell children you can feelupset but show them howyou can guide the expressionof those feelings positively.

Be aware of childrensemotions and tune into

what they are experiencing

to prompt various feelings.

Watch children for changesof facial expression, physical

cues (turning away, putting

head down, etc.), tone ofvoice or other things thatidentify a childs feelings.Help them identify themessage of their

emotions and tune in tothe experiences aroundthem that might be causingcertain feelings, such asfrustration or happiness.

Help children verbally

label their emotions sotheir awareness expands.

Children may feel uncertainor uncomfortable when they

have strong feelings, andlabeling a feeling (scared,excited) helps them talkabout it and makes it morenormal. Realize that youngchildren have limited

word labels for feelings

(mad, sad, happy), so makesure they understand awords meaning. Also,they may feel a variety ofemotions, and talking can

help them label what theyreally are feeling. Make aconnection for them betweena behavior (look on their face,wanting a hug) and whatthey are feeling (e.g., I thinkyou might feel upset becauseyour voice is really loud).Finally, suggest feelingsthey might have(Yousound pretty angry orYou seem excited.) and

not what they should or

must feel (Stop being mad.or You dont really feelscared.).

Discover the emotionschildren are feeling through

trying to understand the

reasons for their emotions.

Children have reasons forthe emotions they feel, andexploring the reasons for

what they feel and how theyexpress those feelings in theirbehavior can help. Also, youcan explore feelings and theirorigin through regular play,

pretend play or interactivegames and activities.

Listen with empathyand validate the feelings

children express. Childrenwonder how others will react

to their expression of feel-ings. Listen attentively tochildrens feelings, watch forphysical cues of emotion, and

get down on their eye level.Repeat what they said to besure you understand whatthey feel and they know youunderstand. Help childrenrecognize that feeling a

strong reaction is OK, then

provide guidance on how topositively respond if needed.

2. Managing Your Own

Emotions


involves handling yourfeelings so they are expressedin ways that allow you tohandle fears, anxieties, anger,sadness or other emotions in a

constructive manner. Managingemotions is a critical skill thatis important to living in ahealthy manner, accomplishinggoals and relating to others.Some ideas to consider:

Recognize childrens effortsto manage feelings of

distress and give support in

soothing them. Even very


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young children, such asinfants, will try to manageemotional distress by cryingfor a response, sucking athumb or pacifier, or avoid-ing what bothers them.

Parents and others should

recognize such efforts andgive children kindness,support and love to soothetroubled feelings. Also, givethem words to express how

they are feeling. Childrenwho experience positive,caring responses to theiremotional distress willdevelop trust and confidencein themselves and others.

Build a close relationshipwith children through

games, conversation and

activities so they trust

you when they need help

in managing emotions.

Children need to knowwho they can turn to whenemotions are building.Talk and listen, spend time

in play, read together or

do other fun activities.These activities help buildtrust. Also, children canreceive daily input onmanaging emotions as you

spend time together and theyknow they can turn to youwhen they feel troubled.

Model positive responsesto managing emotions that

children can learn to follow.

When you feel angry, sador upset, take time to slowdown and manage yourfeelings in positive ways.

Explain to children how youfeel and what you are doingto manage your emotions(take a walk to calm down,think about being kind before

responding, listen to calmmusic, etc.). Children willlearn much about managingemotions from your example.

Assist children to soothethemselves when emotions

become troubled and teachthem ahead of time what

they can do to handle their

emotions. Before children

get too distressed, they needyou to pay attention, givethem reassurance andwords, and calm them down.Also, you can talk ahead oftime about what to do when

feeling upset or angry, and

suggest ways to handleemotions, such as countingto 10 before speaking, askingfor someone to listen orwalking away. Planning

ahead how to handle anemotional situation can easedifficulties in managingemotions under stress.

Together with your children,read childrens books or

watch childrens shows

that give ideas on how

to handle emotions or

stressful situations.

Childrens literature or

television shows, puppetshows or other resourcesthat model situations inlife (divorce, sleeping over,first day of school, etc.)

can share ideas on how tohandle feelings or situations.Use these resources toexplore possible feelingsand effective responsesto a variety of situations.

Ask the child open-endedquestions about how he orshe would feel in a situationor what he or she would do.

Provide children withalternatives to poor

behavior in managing

emotions and give guidance

on what to do instead. Setlimits on childrens behavior

and how they may express

feelings that are inappropri-ate (hitting, yelling at others,etc.), being aware thatchildren at younger agesdo not yet have the ability

to control some emotionalimpulses. Think of alterna-tives to teach children andassist them in coming upwith different or bettersolutions to a problemin how they managedfeelings. Brainstorm ideasand practice how theymight respond the next timefeelings become distressed.For example, a basic rulecould be: You cannot hurtothers, yourself or yourtoys (things).

Help children recognize that feeling a

strong reaction is OK, then provide guidance

on how to positively respond if needed.


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3. Motivating Oneself

Motivating oneself with

feelings involves directingyour emotions towardaccomplishing goals andguiding ones feelings asneeded to overcome obstacles

or concerns. For example,you might feel lonely, soyou learn to use that feelingto focus on developing somefriendships with others.Some to ideas to consider:

Guide children to considerhow they feel and how to

achieve what they want in

an appropriate way when

feeling a desire, interest or

passion. Feelings motivateus to want something (a newtoy) or respond in a certainway (feelings of anger

toward someone whoinsulted us). Encouragechildren to identity how theyfeel, what that feeling pushesthem to do or achieve, andhow to manage that response

appropriately. This may

mean using the emotion topursue a response (use desirefor a new toy to seek ideason how to get it with parentsupport) or, at times, to limit

a response (feel a desire toyell at someone but chooseinstead to speak kindly orwalk away).

Let children know thathaving a variety of feelings

is OK and they also canchoose how to respond to

those feelings. Children canlearn they do not need to be

trapped by their emotions,but they can choose aresponse. For example, achild may feel discouragedafter not doing well on anexam, and feeling sad is OK,

but then they can choose towork toward getting a bettergrade or do somethingwith a parent to feel better.For young children, let themknow specifically what to doto respond to a feeling and

choose a particular actionor attitude.

Share in and support the

interests and hopes of

children in pursuing goals

and dreams. Children learntheir strong interests ordreams can lead to positivethings when caring adultssupport them. Providecaring, constructive support

and feedback to childrenas they feel motivated topursue particular ideas,dreams or goals.

Give children choices from ayoung age over small things,

such as the color of a shirt

to wear or what toy to play

with, and be affirming of

their choices. Empoweringchildren by giving them

choices and then respectingthose choices is important.Children who are allowed to

make choices regularly learnto trust their own feelingsand use those feelings inmaking decisions about whatthey want to do. However, becareful about giving a choice

when no choice is involved.

4. Empathy for OthersEmpathy for others relatesto being sensitive to othersfeelings and perspectives, andunderstanding others feelingsand experiences. For youngchildren, empathy is an ability

that develops through timeas they interact with others.Some ideas to consider:

Help young children beaware of and identify

feelings in other people,

such as on TV, in movies, in

books or in the community.

Parents and other adults canhelp young children notice

and identify a personsexpression of feelings. Forexample, while watching atelevision show, you mightindicate, The little girl in

that show seems very happy(or frustrated, etc.). Helpchildren learn to be awareof cues to feelings, such asfacial expressions, tone ofvoice and body language.

Reading books that highlightemotional responses ofother children to a situation(visiting the doctor, sleepingover, having a birthday party,someone breaking their

toy, etc.) together with yourchildren can be helpful inteaching how others feeland how to be sensitiveto those feelings.

Use literature, art, musicand other mediums tointroduce children to differ-

ent expressions of feeling.

Listen to different pieces of

music and ask children howthe music makes them feel,or how it might make othersfeel. Look at a piece of artand ask what the child thinksthe person who painted it

felt. Ask a child to draw apicture of how he or shefeels when happy or sad,or a picture of how someoneelse might feel when feelingvarious emotions.

Give sensitivity and respectto the emotions a child

expresses. Children aremuch more likely to develop


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empathy for others whensuch empathy is expressedtoward them. Do notdismiss feelings. Instead,acknowledge them andgive sensitivity and respect

to a childs feelings while

also helping them manageand express those feelings.This will help childrenfollow an example of how toexpress empathy for others.

Be understanding andcompassionate toward

childrens experiences.

Children are prone to tearsand temper tantrums, anddealing with these expres-

sions of feeling constantlycan become frustrating foradults. However, parentsand other adults can be

responsive to a childsexperiences while alsosetting guidelines on how torespond to such situations.

Teach understanding,respect and compassion

toward others. Children

learn from observing andbeing involved in directexperiences with others.

In their interactions withothers, take time to teachbeing respectful, takingturns, sharing and beinginclusive. Also, rememberthat these interaction skills

develop through time andyour expectations need to be

age-appropriate. Examplesand experience with beingcaring and responsivetoward others, such as

responding to a youngersiblings cries or hurtfeelings, can help childrendevelop empathy for others.

5. Handling Relationships


and responding to othersemotions are key aspects ofhandling human relationships.Handling relationships as askill is centered on being able

to handle expression of emo-tion in others, and on socialawareness and interactionskills. Some ideas to consider:

Focus on helping childrenbuild secure, healthy

attachments with caring

parents and adults. Childrenbenefit most when parentsand other adults are sensitiveto their needs, responsive to

their signals for assistance,and warm and supportivein their interactions. Thesepatterns help children

develop the trust andsecurity they need to formhealthy human relationships.

Let children know ahead of

time what actions you might

take so you can ease their

concerns and highlight the

value of communication.Parents and other adultsneed to model communica-

tion that takes into accountanothers concerns orfeelings. Let children knowif you will leave a roomand when you will be back,or where they can find

you if they need help forsomething. The practice

of clear communicationin this concrete way helpschildren learn its benefitsin interacting with others.

Recognize expressions ofemotion as an opportunity

for intimacy and teaching.

Use opportunities whensomeone expresses emotionto help children realize

this is a time for emotionalconnection and support.Use such times to givecomfort, share laughteror exchange expressionsof affection with a child.Creating moments ofintimacy and support

when someone expressesemotion helps childrenlearn how to be similar intheir other relationships.

Be active in play andinteractive activities

with children so you can

provide guidance on social

interaction. Children whomay struggle with handlingrelationships often can learn

by interactions with an adultwho can help guide socialinteractions with otherchildren. As you interactwith children, show themhow to ask questions,enter a group, play in acooperative manner, bekind, take turns and do other

things that are importantin handling relationships.

Give sensitivity and respect to a childs feelings

while also helping them manage and express

those feelings


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Recommended Childrens BooksAbout Feelings

Reading not only can enrich the lives of our children, it provides

caring and time for intimacy with children. Take time to talk about

the characters, situations, problems and feelings described in a book

and how those characters solved concerns.Below you will find a listing of books that address emotions,

such as anger, sadness and fear.

Infant/Toddler

Feelingsby Aliki Brandenberg (Scholastic, 1984)

I Feelby George Ancona (E.P. Dutton, 1977)

Cliffordseries by Norman Bridwell (Scholastic)

Franklin is Bossyby Paulette Bourgeois (Scholastic)

Lets Talk About Feeling Angryand other Lets Talk Aboutbooksby Joy Berry (Scholastic, 1995 and other years)

Glad Monster, Sad Monsterby Ed Emberley (Scholastic, 1995)

Going to the Pottyby Red Rogers (Putnam, 1986)

Holes and Peeksby Ann Jonas (Greenwillow, 1984)

The Runaway Bunnyby Margaret Wise Brown (Harper & Row, 1972)

Early Childhood

When Sophie Gets Angryby Molly Bang (Scholastic, 1999)

The Berenstain Bearsseries by Stan and Jan Berenstain(Random House)

The Selfish Crocodileby Faustin Charles (Scholastic, 2000)

The Way I Feelby Janan Cain (Scholastic, 2001)

Harry and the Terrible Whatzitby Dick Gackenbach (Clarion, 1978)

Sheila Rae, the Braveby Kevin Henkes (Scholastic, 1987)

Wemberly Worriedby Kevin Henkes (Scholastic, 2000)

Little Critterseries by Gina and Mercer Mayer (Scholastic)

Dinofoursseries by Steve Metzger (Scholastic)

Love You Foreverby Robert Munsch (Firefly, 1986)

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Dayby Judith Viorst (Atheneum, 1972)

Ira Sleeps Overby Bernard Waber (Houghton Mifflin, 1972)

Positive EmotionalOutcomesParents and other caregivers can

facilitate the development of

emotional competencies as they

interact with young children and

provide models for them to followYou first need to realize what

you already are doing to assist

children with these competencies,

and then think about and pursue

other strategies as well.

As young children grow, parents

can practice emotional coaching

in which they help children

understand what they are

feeling and suggest strategiesfor handling their emotions.

Such emotional coaching is a key

pattern in helping young children

learn emotional intelligence.

Parental practices discussed above

represent emotional coaching and

help children understand their

own and others emotions.

Do not forget about the use of art,

music, nature and other avenuesto create awareness of feelings

in young children. Use books to

teach about emotions, empathy

and making decisions. Emotions

make up so much of a persons

world, and especially for young

children. The role of feelings is

important in shaping the way

they understand themselves and

relate to others. So, give your child

a head start by helping him or her

become heart smart by fostering

emotional intelligence.


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Recommended Resources

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For more information on this and other topics, see: www.ag.ndsu.edu

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Books and Articles

Freedman, J., Rideout, M.C., Jensen, A.L. and

Freedman, P. (1997/98).Handle with Care:

Emotional Intelligence Activity Book. San Mateo, Calif.:

Six Seconds Publications.

This is an excellent resource for ideas and activities that can

be used to promote emotional intelligence in young children.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence.

New York: Bantam Books.

This book brought the topic of emotional intelligence

to widespread public attention. This and other books

by this author are useful introductions to the topic.

Gottman, J. (1997). Raising Emotionally Intelligent

Children. New York: Fireside.This is an excellent resource by a well-recognized scholar

on parenting children to maximize their potential and

emotional intelligence.

McCown, K S., Jensen, A.L., Freedman, J.M. and

Rideout, M.C. (1998). Self Science: The Emotional

Intelligence Curriculum. San Mateo, Calif.:

Six Seconds Publications.

This is a useful curriculum and resource designed for use

in school and other setting. Its full of activities and ideas

related to emotional intelligence.

Shapiro, L.E. (1997).How to Raise a Child with a

High EQ: A Parents Guide to Emotional Intelligence.

New York: HarperPerennial.

This is an accessible and user-friendly book on raising

children to be emotionally intelligent.

References

Brotherson, S.E. (2002). EQ and RQ: Helping children

learn emotional and relationship intelligence.

Unpublished outline in possession of the author.

Elias, M. and Zins, J. (1997). Promoting Social andEmotional Learning. Virginia: ASCD Publications.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. New York:

Bantam Books.

Gottman, J. (1997). Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children.

New York: Fireside.

Mayer, J.D. and Salovey, P. (1993). The intelligence of

emotional intelligence. Intelligence, 17, 433-442.

McCown, K.S., Jensen, A.L., Freedman, J.M. and Rideout,

M.C. (1998). Self Science: The Emotional Intelligence

Curriculum. San Mateo, Calif.: Six Seconds Publications.

Ramey, C.T. and Ramey, S.L. (1999). Right from Birth:

Building Your Childs Foundation for Life. New York:

Goddard Press.

Shapiro, L.E. (1997).How to Raise a Child with a High EQ:

A Parents Guide to Emotional Intelligence. New York:

HarperPerennial.

Webster-Stratton, C. (1999).How to Promote Childrens

Social and Emotional Competence. Thousand Oaks, Calif.:

Sage Publications.

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