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HOWTO

LISTENw/ Sis. Mary Jean Saile

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The most neglected art, courtesy and necessity today is that of listening. If as a friend, supervisor, or teacher, you can do more than be a good listener, you still will have done much for many. Here are some consideration:

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1.Hearing is not listening. Hearing doesn’t make communication; listening does.

2.Listening must take place at two levels: the level of words and the level of feeling. We’re constantly speaking the language of feelings but rarely listening at that level. If you don’t understand how a person feels, you haven’t understand them.

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3.You can’t listen to another unless you’re listening to yourself. If you can’t hear your own feelings, you’ll never hear theirs. Without an awareness of your own feelings, you’ll be sending signals to them that you yourselves don’t perceive. You cannot communicate with another if your own communication system has broken down.

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4. Exploration is one thing, argumentation another. Argumentation is the end of listening.

5. Just avoiding interruption would be a great leap forward for many.

6. No man is an island, people need people and today, more than ever, people need listening.

7. The first duty of love is to listen. To listen is to understand. To understand is to listen.

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SAYING A LOTJUSTBY

LISTENING

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Talking is only one of many ways of sharing. It may be the least effective. A touch, a gesture, a tone, a shrug, a wink, or a smile: these and other signs and symbols are so much more communicative!

In fact even your own silence can communicate so much. How does the saying go? “if you don’t understand my silence, you will not understand my words.”

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But perhaps listening says most of all. Listening to another says:

“You are important to me”“You are worth my time and my attention”“You are saying something worth hearing”“You are really an interesting person”“You are O.K.”

Listening is powerful. And affirmative. Hardly anything is more healing – more calming – more nourishing – more loving.

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A decision to listen is really a decision to love. And we all know how powerful love is.

Questions1. When was the last time that

somebody listened to you…really listened?

2. Make a list of persons you know who are really good listeners. How many are they? What do they have in common? What effects do they have on you or others?

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“Even the meanest flower

that blooms brings thoughts

too deep for tears”

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EVANGELISTIC

COUNSELING

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Evangelistic Counseling is listening and appropriately responding the ventilation of feeling and the sharing of self by the others and then led him / her to GOD. Not to solve a problem.

PRIMARY PURPOSETo assist a person who makes an individual commitment to JESUS CHRIST

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2 Persons Involve in Counseling1.Counselor – the one who counsels2.Counselee – one to be counseled

Wherever possible, men should counsel men and women should counsel women. Additionally, ages should be matched up to the greatest extent possible so that young men end up being counseled by a younger man, an older woman by an older woman, etc.

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If there are insufficient counsellors but surplus pastors then pastors can be used for counseling. If, even then, there are not sufficient people to permit one-to-one counseling, other mature Christians who have had counseling experience can be requested to help if they are available.

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4 Important Qualities of a Good Counselor

1.Spiritual mature person – Person of Prayer

2.Holiness3.Love of the Scripture4.Emotionally mature

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Attitudes needed on the part of the counselor

1.Availability – to make ourselves available even if only to listen,

2.Non-judgmental3.Acceptance – accept the counselee

for what she / he is, do not be shocked, scandalized. (ex sexual life)

4.Understanding – try to go into his life.

5.Confidentiality – “when I share with you, I give you a part of my life”

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HOW TO LISTEN EFFECTIVELYGood Listening Requires a number of skills, we can learn them by doing:

1.Be Motivated to ListenKnow your power as a listener. The listener has real power and responsibility in any conversation only when we want to listen to the other person shall be able to overcome faulty concentration and remove the many filters of selective listening.

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2. SIT – in such a way as to be able to look at the concern person directly and talk with him comfortably at an eye-to-eye level. Respect other’s need to privacy. Be insulated from internal distractions such as noises, objects and interruptions. Remember your body posture not only helps you to listen better, but also communicates to the other that you are paying attentions.

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3. Do away with or at least diminish your internal distractionsEmpty yourself of your own world for the time being. This includes your assumption (your own ideas), stereotypes, prejudices, view points, interests and concerns, all that makes up your own. Make a conscious effort because it is not easy.

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4. Listen attentively, sensitively with understandingBe sensitive to all the message, words, tone of voice, gestures, body posture and facial expressions (verbal and non-verbal). Listen with your ears, your eyes and listen with your heart to understand what other is not saying.

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5. Asking Questions:- To draw out further

information- To facilitate exploration- To put him at ease- To show interests and concern

Never ask question out of mere curiosity.

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6. Show acceptance of other’ feelingsUnderstand how / what the other person is feeling, understand also the reason for those feeling or the meanings those feelings have for him and communicate to him your understanding of his world. Rephrase and restate in your own words.

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7. Avoid making judgmentsThe other person will calm up if he realizes that you are evaluating everything he says. If you are doing that don’t communicate it to him. Save your explanations until after he has had his way.

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8. Be aware of your own feelings and control themWhen you are attacked verbally it is natural inclination to defend yourself. You feel angry. Your best defense is to keep calm and not lose your temper. Be aware also of other feelings such as fear, impatience, affection, jealousy, etc. and don’t allow them to cloud your mind.

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A Decision to Listen is really a decision to LOVETo Listen is to Understand – it affirms, it nourishes, it heals, it is creative, it stimulates growth.

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COUNSELLING GUIDEEmphatic UnderstandingTry to put himself to the shoes of the counselee. Has unconditional positive regards – no if’s or but’s. “I am here with you, may be I can help you”. There is a contact and relationship.

Sensitive ListeningUsing the 2 ears, 2 eyes, the heart and no mouth. He listens to the counselee fully.

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10 STAGES OF COUNSELINGPHASE I – Self-Exploration:

Facilitative Dimension 1. Setting up the relationship2. Unfolding of the program3. Release of negative feelings

Start your Response 4. Encouragement of positive feelings

5. Growing confidence to explore new ways6. Self-exploration & clarification

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PHASE II – Emergent DirectionalityFacilitative & Action 7. Insight

8. PlanningOriented Dimension 9. Action (Often involving decision)

10. Re-evaluation

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10 DON’TS

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1.Don’t advise or look hastily for a solution.

2.Don’t ask question out of curiosity or from uneasiness.

3.Don’t moralize or intellectualize.

4.Don’t make the other depend on you.

5.Don’t categories or pre-judge the other.

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6. Don’t be false re-assuring or supportive.

7. Don’t talk too much or project yourself into the interview.

8. Don’t evaluate the other on his attitudes or behavior.

9. Don’t look for or encourage long narratives.

10.Don’t use the technical terms.

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10 DO’S

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1.Be yourself.2.Concentrate but in a relax

way.3.Listen to the full message

of the other.4.Respond adequately and

creatively.5.Communicate interest,

warmth and understanding.

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6.Respect or “prize” the other.7.Confront, if or when

necessary, but responsibly and sensitively.

8.Help the other to sort out and clarify his problem.

9.Use simple and direct language.

10.Help other to take care of himself.

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NOTE

Time duration for counselling in

every meeting / session is at least 1

hour.

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HOW TO LEADA PERSON

TOJESUS CHRIST

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A GUIDE FOR COUNSELLING1. Always take a moment to ask

the name of the person counseled and endeavour to build a rapport. It is most important that the counselor represents a loving presence. Sensing the love of Christ, the person being counseled will then more readily be able to open their hearts fully to the acceptance of that love.

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2. Once a rapport has been established, say to the person, “My objective tonight is to lead you to a point where you are able fully and completely to turn to God and experience for your sins. My hope and prayer is that tonight will be a new beginning for you. I want, therefore to explain as clearly as possible the way of salvation so I am going to talk about the four truths which will make your position clear to you.”

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TRUTH NUMBER 1You are been created by a loving God. You are unique individual. God is your Father but He is quite unlike human fathers. He desires you and created you simply because He desires to build a loving relationship with you both in this life and for all eternity.

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You did not choose your mother and father, nor did they choose you. God on the other hand, deliberately chose to create you as you are. He is motivated solely and completely by love. “Beloved, let us love one another because love is of God: everyone who loves is begotten of God and has knowledge of God. The man without love has known nothing of God for God is love.” (1 Jn.4:7-8) “God Created man in His image; in the divine image He created him: male and female He created them (Gen.1:27).

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TRUTH NUMBER 2We have been separated from God. The whole human family is separated from its loving Creator. This was not God’s intention rather, separation is the result of sin. The very first human being created by God chose to disobey Him. As a result of their disobedience, sin was born in the human race and each one of us has inherited that sinful nature.

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Sin resulting from disobedience, has separated us from God so that we no longer enjoy a loving personal fellowship with Him. “Therefore, just as through one man, sin entered the world and with sin, death, death thus coming to men in as much as all sin.” (Rom. 5:12).

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TRUTH NUMBER 3God has acted to end the separation! God loves you so He acted to end the separation which was caused by sin. God, the creator of everything in the universe chose to send His only begotten Son into the world as a human being. That Son, Jesus Christ, was born of the Virgin Mary and spent His life loving people and telling them about the beauty and wonder of God.

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However, He did more than that. Although He Himself is sinless (because His father is God) He willingly allowed Himself to suffer an agonizing death on a wooden cross at Calvary just outside Jerusalem in the nation of Israel. This happened some two thousand years ago.

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In dying on the cross, Jesus Christ paid the penalty for the sins of the human race thus allowing us once again to be reconciled to God and enabling us to experience in this life the love of God and eternal life in the world to come beyond death. “Yes, God so loved the world the He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him may not die but may have eternal life.” (Jn. 3:16).

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“Just as through one man’s disobedience a; became sinners, so through one man’s obedience all shall become just.’’ (Rom. 5:19)

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TRUTH NUMBER 4we need to respond and accept God’s gift of salvation. I now need to ask you to look honestly at your life. As your life. As you do that, I believe you will see clearly that truthfully you have sinned and are therefore separated from God. To be reconciled with your loving Father in heaven, you need to do two things. Firstly, you need to repent of your sins and ask God’s forgiveness.

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Secondly, you need to believe by faith from the heart that God’s Son the Lord Jesus Christ, has died for your sins, paid the penalty for those sin and that accordingly God is both able and willing to forgive you. “If we say, “we are free of the guilt of sin, we deceived ourselves: the truth is not to be found in us. But if we acknowledge our sins, He who is just can be trusted to forgive our sins and cleanse us every wrong.” (1 John 2:8-9).

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3. Established that the person being counseled fully understand the four spiritual truths. This could be done by way of questioning such as, “Do you understand clearly the four points I have just made?” Be prepared at that point to answer any questions that the person may have. Pray continually that the Holy Spirit may guide your answers.

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Once you have established that the person clearly understand these four spiritual truths, they need to be directly challenged to make a response. This can be done by asking two or three questions such as:

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“Are you prepare to repent and turn away from your sins and ask God’s forgiveness?”

“Do you believe that Jesus Christ is God the Son and that He died so that your sins may be forgiven thus enabling you to be reconciled back to God?”

“Are you prepared to follow me in prayer asking Jesus Christ to become Lord of your life?”

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If the answer to these questions is “YES” you are ready to lead the person in a commitment. If the person is reluctant to accede then endeavor by careful loving questions, asserting the reason. Again let the Holy Spirit guide you in framing your answers. Never use any kind of coercion or manipulation. Remember that in the atmosphere of genuine love towards the individual you are counseling, your job is to ensure that they are make a genuinely free will decision and commitment to Jesus Christ.

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4. Lead the person in prayer. You pray and ask the person to repeat the words after you. A suggested prayer is as follows:

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Loving God, I want tonight to acknowledge before You and turn away from my sinful and wrong actions. I want to turn to You and ask You to cleanse me, of my sins and forgive me for the wrong which I have done. I believe that Jesus Christ is Your Son, that he was born of the Virgin Mary and that He became man. I believe that He was crucified on the Cross and shed His blood for the forgiveness of my sins.

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I believe that You raised Jesus from the dead and wish to accept Your gift and promise of eternal life with Him. I am truly sorry for my sins and the wrong I have done. I turn away from it and renounce Satan and all of his enticements. I entrust my heart and my life now to Jesus Christ and ask Him to become the Lord of my life. I ask you father God to accept me as Your child and to guide my life from this day forward. I ask you to send Your Holy Spirit to me and to lead me in fellowship with other Christian man and women.” Amen

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If you confess with your lips that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. Faith in the heart leads to justification, confession on the lips to salvation. (Rom. 20:9-10).

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Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life, whoever believes in Me, though he should die, will come to life and whoever is alive and believes in Me will not die. (Jn. 11:25)

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5. At this point, it is appropriate to congratulate the individual on the decision he / she just made to welcome her warmly into the Christian family. From this point on, your role is to give practical advice to the individual so that he can grow as a disciple of Jesus Christ. A number of points need to be covered:

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a)BAPTISM – Baptism (either actual baptism or at least by desire) is necessary for salvation. It is by baptism that people are freed from their sins, are born again as children of God, made like unto Christ in their character and are incorporated in the Church. Accordingly, if you establish that the person has never been baptized then you need to spend some time speaking about the vital necessity of these sacrament.

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“Jesus replied, “I solemnly assure you, no one can enter into God’s Kingdom without being begotten of water and spirit.” (Jn. 3:15)

“Peter answered, “You must reform and be baptized each one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, that your sins may be forgiven: then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.” (Acts 2:38)

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If you establish that the person has not been baptized you will need to make arrangements for baptism. Some effort will be required to contact a priest in this regard. Normally, a person will need to be baptized within a parish and it is suggested that you become the initial liaison contact between the Parish Priest concerned and the person now desiring baptism.

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Do not lightly pass over this matter. You will now be committing yourself to the task of ensuring that the individual receives baptism which may require you to have an on-going involvement with them during their instruction, etc. do not dodge that necessity: remember that you are dealing with the eternal salvation of the individual and desire that they be fully incorporated into Christ and into His Church.

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b) Daily Scripture reading – ask the person whether or not they own a Bible. If they do not, recommend that they purchase a Bible immediately and begin to read the Gospels. Encourage them then to adopt the habit of daily Scripture reading.

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c) Daily Prayer – Explain that prayer is the means of fellowship with God. If we do not pray, then effectively we have only a theoretical relationship with God. Prayer is the essence of a personal loving relationship with God. Encourage the person to begin praying and to continue day-by-day. Both morning and evening prayer should be encouraged.

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Explain that prayer is simple. It involves simply speaking to God as if he were another human being and being prepared to listen to His response not by way of audible voice but by way of a tiny whisper (“He still, small voice”). Encourage the person to pray alone and in silence – without silence they will never hear God’s voice.

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d) Christian Fellowship – Christian need fellowship to grow. For Catholics, this fellowship is centered on the MASS. Encourage the person, therefore, to begin attending Mass, explain, however that they will not be able to receive Communion until they have been baptized. In addition to Sunday Mass, encourage the person to join a small nurture of discipleship group so that they can be encourage be their brothers and sisters in Christ to grow and become mature Christians.

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Feel free to give the person reading materials and contacts, etc. concerning on-going fellowship. Be prepared, if necessary, to be their liaison so that they are introduced to a nurture group, discipleship group or community. Do not simply leave the person “High and Dry’’ Obtain their name, address and telephone number. Be cautious, however, about immediately giving them your address and telephone number. It is better to wait until you are satisfied concerning the genuineness of their conversion and see a clear willingness to walk in the light of Christ.