fire mans friend

8/6/2019 Fire Mans Friend

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Copyright 2009 60 West 57th

St 7A

by Margot Sheehan New York NY 10019

1 212 265 0209

[email protected]

THE FIREMANS FRIEND

A New One-Act Play

by

Po Podsnap


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The Firemans Friend 1

Cast of Characters

Janey: A woman somewhere between 30and 45. She lives in HellsKitchen and is a balletinstructor.

Harry: Janeys husband, around thesame age. Wide-eyed, nave.

Ronnie: Their neighbor. He sometimeswrites. He is wheelchair-bound. Anywhere from 40 to60.

Sarah: A dancer/actress Harry meets

on a temp job. 25-40.

Scene

Harry and Janeys tenement flat.

Time

September 10, 2001.

Important Props and Costume ElementsIroning board.Wheelchair

Hubcab or dish to be used as ashtray.Rubber feet.Brown paper.Portable record player.LP disks.Little packs of cigarettes, the kind they give away.

1 pair purple socksLoud necktieFiremans helmetDance leotardTurtle costumes (2): with front and back shell and mask

that completely covers thehead but does not muffle thespeech.


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Scene 1

SETTING: An old-law tenement flat in HellsKitchen, NYC, about 2001. The lookand feel of some kitchen-sinkdrama, the more improvised and

makeshift the better.

A row of cupboards and a sink inthe back of the set, somethingresembling a REFIGERATOR/FREEZERat the audiences right, and nearthat, DOOR to flat. An old CHAIRand SOFA with makeshift COFFEETABLE at front of set (downstage).

There is an IRONING BOARD center-stage.

AT RISE: JANEY, facing audience, is ironinga sock. A RADIO is playing,nothing in particular.

HARRY (O.S.)Janey, have you seen my socks?

JANEYI cant hear you over the radio.

(Turns RADIO down.)

HARRY (O.S.)My socks, my socks, have you seen my socks?

JANEYYour purple socks? Your new purple socks?

(HARRY sticks head round the doorway.)

HARRYOf course I mean my new purple socks. What other sockscould I be referring to?

JANEYIm ironing them. You dont want to go to your jobinterview with wrinkly socks.


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HARRYI thought they were no-iron socks. I never heard of ironingsocks.

JANEYGod is in the details.

(HARRY steps out in full view, wearing a whiteshirt and a loud, old necktie. His trousers arenot ones youd wear to any sort of job interview.Unsurprisingly, he has no shoes or socks on.)

HARRYBesides, job interviewers never even notice socks. How manyjob interviews have I been on? At least a hundred. Ivegone on job interviews where I didnt even wear socks.

Nobody said a thing!

JANEY(holds up both socks)

There! All done! Wont you look smart!

HARRYNot bad. Not bad a tall.

(Puts them on, wriggles toes and walks around,looking at them.)

HARRYIroning your socks, eh. Makes all the difference. Ill betChu Chin Chow over on Tenth Avenue never irons socks Youknow, my shirt is a little wrinkly too.

JANEYNo time, no time. Need to do my leotard. Dance class inhalf an hour.

(She is ironing her leotard with a furiouspassion.)

HARRYJaney

JANEYCmon. Put on your coat and shoes.


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HARRYJaney, its really swell of you how youve been supporting

me during this dry spell. I swear, soons I get a job,well take a vacation.

(KNOCK on DOOR. HARRY answers.)

HARRYRonnie! Come in, old man.

RONNIE (O.S.)Let me talk to you outside.

HARRYI dont have any shoes on.

RONNIE (O.S.)

I mean here. Out here in the hall.

(HARRY steps out. JANEY picks up her leotard andholds it against her torso. Looks down, decidesshe needs to iron it a bit more.)

HARRY (O.S.)Cant do it now old man. Wait till Janey leaves.

JANEYDont disturb Harry now, Ron! Hes got an important jobinterview to get to. You boys can chat when he gets back.

(HARRY reenters, shuts DOOR.)

HARRY

He just wanted a little tiny favor.

JANEYHes such a mooch. I hope you said no.

HARRY (nonchalant)Not much of a favor. He wanted to know if we could, uh,

feed his turtle when he goes away. Yeah.

(JANEY stares him down dubiously. He fidgets.)

HARRYHes going away on business and he wants me to feed histurtle. No big deal!


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JANEYWell is he going to pay you?

HARRYPay me for feeding his turtle?

JANEYHooh! There are professional pet feeders, you know!Specialists. You dont suppose they do it for free.

HARRYProfessional pet feeders?

JANEYYou see their signs all over the bulletin board at thelaundromat.

(This is intriguing. HARRY considers it as hepulls at his necktie. It is a garish thing fromeons ago, and hed rather not be wearing it.JANEY hands him a coatevidently was once tophalf of a suit, does not quite match Harrystrousers.)

JANEYAnd your shoes.

HARRYDo you need special training for that?

JANEYWhat?

HARRYThe pet thing. Professional pet feeding. You need a degree?Dyou have to go to school?

JANEYIm sure they have certification programs someplace. Maybecontinuing education. NYU?

HARRYThe New School.

JANEYOh definitely the New School.

(Pause for laughs.)


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JANEYWhats all this new interest in pet care? You werentthinking of becoming a professional in-home pet careprovider, were you? Because I dont think it pays real

well.

HARRYIm just thinking of jobs where you wouldnt have to wear asuit and tie.

JANEYHoney, this is the 21st Century. Nobody wears a suit and tieexcept the President.

HARRYThen what am I getting all dressed up for?

JANEYBecause youre having a job interview andandthey want tosee how youll lookin case suits and ties ever come back.

(Knock on DOOR.)

RONNIE (O.S., muffled)Harry? Is the coast clear?

JANEYTell him okay but he has to pay.

(HARRY opens DOOR.)

HARRY

Yeah but you have to pay.

(We see a bit of RONNIE now. He is in awheelchair and holding a brown parcel on hislap.)

RONNIE

What?

JANEYPet care is an exacting profession.

HARRYYah. Im getting some practice with your turtle.


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(RONNIE rolls halfway onto the stage.)

RONNIEWhat the hell you going on about? Oh hi, Janey. I thoughtyou were gone.

JANEYIll be gone in a second. Let me see if Ive got the rightrecord this time.

(She is putting an LP on an old portable RECORDPLAYER.)

JANEYLast week I packed up Sgt. Pepper by mistake. What anembarrassment. It was parents day at the dance studio andall the little girls ended up dancing their ballet to

Lovely Rita Meter Maid when they were expecting Chopin. Icould have gotten fired. But the parents loved it.

(The RECORD begins. It is a very old recording.A ROCKABILLY VOICE sings.)

RECORDLes Sylphides, Les Sylphides

Evvaboddy loves Les Sylphides

JANEYIts a little scratched but itll have to do. I wish Icould get it on CD.

(Taking RECORD off.)

All right, Im off now. You boys can talk all about theturtle.

RONNIETurtle!

JANEY (to HARRY)

Just remember what I said. And dont miss your interview.If you leave in one minute youll have just enough time toget there.

(She EXITS. RONNIE rolls all the way in in hisWHEELCHAIR. He is wearing a firemans helmet.The insignia says Volunteer Fireman. On hislap he has a lumpy brown-paper parcel.)


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RONNIEOne minute! Hah! What a taskmaster! Mistress. So whats allthis talk about the turtle?

HARRYCool yer jets. Its a cover story.

RONNIEI mean, Im used to being made fun of. For being crippled.For having a pet turtle. For being a cripple with a turtle.Even for being a failed crippled turtle-owning playwright.But Ill tell ya Harry

HARRYForget about the turtle.

RONNIEIt gets on your nerves.

HARRYThe turtle?

RONNIEHow people talk.

HARRYRon! Ronnie! Please! It was just a cover story. I toldJaney you wanted a favor, and you know how it is about

wanting favors with her. So I told her you wanted me tofeed your turtle for a couple days.

RONNIE

Well why didnt you say so? Anyway here it is. Put this inthe back of your freezer. I dont want Janey to see it.

(Hands over brown parcel.)

HARRYIts a present?

RONNIEYah. Sort of. Its a present. For me. But I cant open itfor a long time.

HARRYWow. Heavy duty.


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(Puts PARCEL into FREEZER, after some jockeyingabout with bags of frozen peas.)

RONNIEYou sure have a lot of frozen peas.

HARRYTheyre for Janeys feet. Instead of ice bags, you know.

RONNIEPeas on the feet! Janeys a piece a work. How do you put up

with her?

HARRYMated for life, I guess. Like pigeons.

RONNIE

Harry, how long have we known each other?

HARRYA year or two. Five, maybe.

RONNIETry twenty.

HARRYWow. Thats a lot of years.

RONNIEA lifetime, in some countries. So I think I can speakfrankly. Its time to ditch the bitch. Shes not good foryou. Carp and criticize, all day long.

HARRYI have no place to go, Ronnie. Id be a bum on the street.

RONNIEAll her money and look how you people live. If she reallyloved you, youd be on Park Avenue.

HARRYI never looked at it that way before. Do they have rentcontrol on Park Avenue?

RONNIEShes using you, Harry. Im not sure how, but shes usingyou. And no one else is going to clue you in. Im your onlyhonest friend. I hope you appreciate that.


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HARRYYou look honest.

RONNIEAnd because you are my friend, I am going to share a littlesecret. Its about what you put in the freezer.

HARRYBehind the frozen pea section.

RONNIE (conspiratorially)Feet!

HARRY (looks at own feet)Feet? Do they smell? I should put on some shoes.

(Finds his shoes and walks around holding themfor most of the rest of this scene.)

RONNIENo. No. My feet, Harry.

HARRYBut Ronnie. You dont have any feet.

RONNIEThats just where youre wrong, Harry. Theyre not attachedto my body, Harry, but I still got em. More pertinently,you got em.

(The penny drops.)

HARRYIn the freezer? Your feet? Frozen? Your feet? Theyre stillfrozen after that horrible ski accident? And you want me togive them to Janey for a present? Shell be so grossedout!

RONNIE

Shut up Harry. And listen. Thanks to modern microsurgery Iwill soon be able to reattach those feet. All I need is alot of money. But its coming Harry, its coming. Im onthe verge of something. Did you notice the hat Im wearing?

HARRYYou have a hat on? Under your firemans helmet?


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RONNIEI mean the helmet. You know where I got this helmet, Harry?

HARRYYou were a volunteer fireman?

RONNIENoI got it years ago when I was a struggling youngplaywright. In those far-off days I worked a day job forthe American Express Firemans Fund Insurance Company.

HARRYWow.

RONNIEI was a proofreader.

HARRYHeavy duty. So thats why youre so good with words.

RONNIEI wrote one play that was produced. In 1980 I was voted oneof the half-dozen most promising young playwrights atPlaywrights Horizons. I thought I was on top of the world.But most days I had to take the subway downtown toFiremans Fund and read insurance policies. It was deadly.Then one day they had a Christmas party. They gave outfiremens helmets. Since I was just a temp proofreader Igot a volunteerfiremans helmet. I took it home and hungit on my wall. It looked cool. Next week I was back at

work, proofreading insurance materials. So pathetic.

(RONNIE shakes his head, filled with self-pity,

but HARRY isnt having any of it.)

HARRYOh tell me about it. I had a job once. Oh hey! Ive got togo. I was supposed--

RONNIE

Shut up! Let me finish. It was a damn good thing I sold amovie script in 1983 and kept my rent-controlled apartment,or Id still be proofreading at Firemans Fund. But Harry,the moneys running out. From 1983 to 1999 I was blocked.Totally blocked. Id sit down each day at my typewriterthen at my IBM PCthen my Macintosh SEthen I went back toPCs for a while when Windows three-point-one came inthenI got a PowerPC Mac laptop, because Mac OS had better


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screenplay software, but then that PowerBook 5300 explodedon me. Im thinking of the iBook. Have you seen the newG4s?

HARRYWhat time is it?

RONNIEWhat difference does it make? Im telling a story. (Looksat watch.) Two-ten. But what I was saying, Harry. Its the

words. The words, Harry. They just didnt come. Then lastmonth I was just sitting around my filthy apartment,feeding my turtle, feeling sorry for myself, thinking, Igot no feet, I got no money, whats going to happen to me?Then I look up and see

(He takes off the HELMET, waves it, puts it on

again.)

Ta-da! Inspiration! It all came back to me in a flash.

HARRYOh yeah! You can always get a good job as a proofreader!

RONNIENo! Youre missing the point. Let me finish.

HARRYOh God, Ronnie! Im late for my job interview. I wassupposed to be there at two oclock.

RONNIEPshaw, there will be other jobs, Harry. I know a guy who

can get you a job just like that (SNAPS FINGERS), lickety-split-fabdoodle.

Now let me get to the point. The first book I ever read,Harrywhat do you think it was?

HARRY

Pat the Bunny?

RONNIENo! Good lord, I never read Pat the Bunny.

HARRYFor most people its their first book. Someone did asurvey.


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RONNIEI assure you I have not read the book. Pat the Bunnyindeed. No sir! The first tome that ever enchanted theseyoung eyes was Mister Charley the Firemans Friend.

HARRYMister Charley?

RONNIE (grandly)The Firemans Friend! I ask you: is that a great title or

what? Written over a half-century ago but it still holds upwell.

HARRYIts about colored people, right?

RONNIEIt is not about colored people. It is about a volunteerfireman.

HARRYOkay. Just sounds like its got colored people in it. If I

went to a movie called Mister Charley, Id expect to see alot of black people there.

RONNIEHeavens, but you are right.

(Pulls out tiny notepad, jots down.)

Utterly brilliant. And thats the thing today, too. Theylike to put all kinds of different races into these movies.

The original story doesnt have any races in it. But themovie will. Cause Im going put a Negro in it. Hey maybe acouple of Negroes.

HARRYUnh-unh.

RONNIEWhat you mean unh-unh?

HARRYYou cant say Negro anymore.


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RONNIEWell actually you can, in this movie, because its set in1948.

HARRYHeavy duty. Youre making a movie set in 1948.

RONNIECorrection. I have written a movie set in 1948. Well thetreatment and first act anyway. Most of it. Seem to bestuck around page 17. But this race angle. Covers a

multitude of sins.

(Writes on pad, furiously)

Deusexmachina

Cant tell you how grateful I am, Harry. For shooting meyour fat wad of inspiration.

HARRY (abstracted)Anytime. Gosh. Maybe I should tell Janey I went to theinterview but I didnt get the job. No, cant do that.

RONNIEWhy not? Grow a pimple on your tongue?

HARRYShe knows the guy. She gives his daughter ballet lessons.Oh, Im in big big trouble.

RONNIEYou should try being a creative personthen youd know what

problems are. Your teensy worries are nothingI can solvethem hey-presto. Let me give you this.

(Scribbling again as he talks. Rips out page,gives it to HARRY.)

Jimbo Heemer. West 49th Street. Ten minutes walk from here.

Jimbo helps out all my showbiz friends when theyre betweengigs. Always something cookin at Jimbos. Never know whatyoure going to get. One day, youre hustling for game-showcontestants down by the half-price ticket booth, next dayhes got you dressing up as George Washington down at SouthStreet Seaport. Paychecks on Friday.


16/35


HARRYDo I have to wear a tie?

RONNIEA tie?

(Looks at tie, winces.)

Errgggh. Well maybe a tiejust to be politefor theinterviewbut its not a requirement of the job. Nows agood time to see him, though. Id run right on over there.

(Harry is out the door, still holding hisshoes.)

RONNIEEager beaver. (Sarcastically) Janey will be so pleased.

Lets see

(Scribbling, trying out dialogue.)

Whas shakin, bro, Mistah Chahley? Slap me five! Whatshappenin, man?

No no, this is 1948. How did they talk in 1948? Note toself: rent a lot of 1948 movies

(We proceed to Scene 2 with little or nobreak.)


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Scene 2

(RONNIE is right where we left him. JANEY isleaning against the cupboards in the back,doing foot-and-calf-stretching exercises.)

JANEYI am going to have to see a specialist. Either that or giveup teaching dance. My soleus cant take it anymore.

(JANEY goes to FREEZER and opens it.)

RONNIEOh! Janey!

JANEY

Gawd this is packed. Has Harry been buying frozen food?

RONNIEJaney, uh, Ive got something in there. Its sort of astage prop. Yeah. My fridge is on the fritz.

JANEYA stage prop has to be kept frozen? Oh, I see, its in thisbrown package in the back.

RONNIEDont take it out, Janey. Itll gross you out.

JANEYWhat, is it like a fetal pig or something?

RONNIEP-p-prostheses!

JANEYWhat?

RONNIE

Look, its a pair of rubber feet, prosthetic feet. Muchbetter than the ones Im wearing now. The orthopedicsurgeons are making a space-age pair of fake feet for me,and what you have in the freezer there are the molds. Theyhave to be kept frozen or they lose their shape.

JANEYOmigawd.


18/35


RONNIEIts a new, umpolymer stufflong moleculevery suppleCompletely sterile.

JANEYStill!

RONNIELife is very hard for the footless and fancy-free, Janey.No bucket of roses. It was real nice of Harry to offer.

(Janey has shut the freezer, and is rigging upsome bags of frozen peas against her ankles andsoles of the feet.)

JANEY

Real nice, yeah. After all the other favors.

RONNIEWhat other favors?

JANEYTaking care of your turtle while youre on vacation.

RONNIEOh that. Hah! Not vacation, its a business trip. Yeah,seeing my agent in Hollywood. But Janey, theres somethingI want you to keep secret. I told Harry the feet are real.They really are my feet, flesh-and-blood, thats what Isaid, and I have to keep them frozen till the microsurgeonscan reattach them. Shhh!

JANEYEhhww. Why would you make up something like that?

RONNIEThere is method to my madness. If I said they were rubberfeet, theres no way hed let me keep them in the freezer.Hed say you wouldnt allow it. I think hes scared of you!

Oh! Janey wont let me keep a pair of ol rubber feet inthe freezer! I had to lay it on thick, make it desperate,

make him personally involved in getting my feet reattached.You cant refuse a favor like that. I even told him somecock-and-bull about how the landlords coming over forfumigation and I dont want him to find my feet becausetheres a law against keeping body parts in therefrigerator. Unless youre, like, you know, a hospital.


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Did I say that? I know I planned to say that, maybe I leftit out. Anyway Ive got Harry thinking Im going to get myfeet reattached as soon as I sell my screenplay. Hes sucha simple soul. Hell believe anything.

JANEYMmm.

RONNIEA very simple soul indeed.

JANEYBut more complex than most people realize.

RONNIECome again? Hes a low-grade moron. And he doesntappreciate you in the least, Janey. Youre an absolute

martyr, you know that? No other woman would ever tolerateliving with such a workshy doofus. No other woman would putup with what youve put up with. Janey, youre a livingsaint.

JANEYThats true.

RONNIE (warming to the theme)Maybe some crazy old lady would keep him, dress him upnice, like Gloria Swanson in the movie, but that would onlybe because she was keeping him for immoral purposes. And Igather Harry isnt exactly a champ in that department.

(JANEY doesnt answer or budge.)

RONNIEIs he a good lover, Harry? (Another pause.)Hes good looking, I suppose. But to tell you the truth Ithought he was a fag the first time I met him. Yeah,scouts honor. I wondered what you were doing with him.Maybe you were his beard. Or maybe he was yours. Or maybe

JANEYRonnie. How vile.

RONNIEAn honest mistake, Janey, and I apologize. I apologizesincerely. Do you forgive me.

JANEY


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I do forgive you.

RONNIEAnd all my mistakes?

JANEYYes, I forgive you your mistakes.

RONNIEAnd all my transgressions?

(JANEY starts to giggle.)

RONNIEIm glad I made you laugh, Janey. Im glad you dont thinkIm meanspirited and hard-hearted. I like making you laugh.You dont laugh enough, Janey. You usually look so worried.

Its good to see you lighten up. You need to spend moretime among people who really appreciate you.

JANEYMy students appreciate me. The most wonderful thinghappened today. This little Italian girl, AngelinaBollinino, she was in an accident last winter and had to

wear a body cast for seven months. Well shes on her feetagain now and just started back to class, ad to see her atthe barre, its was like a miracle in action and at the endof class she gave me this huge hug, and I said, Angelina!What was that for? And she said, Oh Mrs. Peterson, itslike a dream come true to be back, when I was in thehospital I thought Id never You can imagine the feeling,Ronnie.

(RONNIE stifles a yawn, which he turns into acough.)

RONNIEAhem. Well really I meant adult people who can appreciateyou, Janey. Warm, loving, witty, adult-type people who canshare your insights and ironical detachment and sense of

humor, etc. etc. People who can love you selflessly andarent just with you because they see you as a meal ticket.I mean where would Harry be without you anyway, Janey?

JANEYThats a very abstract question, Ronnie. Weve been marriedfifteen years.


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RONNIEAnswer. On the street! Thats wheres hed be. Hesdisgraceful. A shiftless young man, living off his wifessavings.

JANEYIts a trust fund, Ronnie, not savings. Completelydifferent. Half the people in New York live off their trustfund. Or anyway their spouses trust funds.

RONNIEJaney, the man is unemployable.

JANEYYeah well Ill bet he got that job today. Thatll shut youup, Mister Know-It-All. Ah-hah-hah!

RONNIEHah yourself. Let me tell you a little story. I ever tellyou about Fletcher? No. Well I did a playwriting gig oneyear at the Iowa Writers Workshop. There was a man namedFletcher there, he mustve been 52 years old, and hedspent his entire life just sponging off the ladiesfirstthe students, then the teachers, then he sometimes sank solow as to butter up visiting 250-pound fat-lady poets, someof which had never had a man before.

This guy Fletcher wasnt a student or a teacher or afaculty member or in the administration, wasnt in the

workshop, or wasnt in the university, he wasnt even awriter, so far as I know. He was just a hanger-on, a 52-year-old Iowa City gigolo, battening onto 50-year-old obese

women virgin poets who came to town with bad breath and

hairy armpits, which in Iowa, as you may well imagine, issimply just not done. Clean-living people, the Iowans.

And much as I hate to say it, Janey, this Harry of yoursreminds me of old Fletcher. Listen to the advice of a truefriend, Janey. You should ditch Harry before its too late.

JANEYHarrys trying.

RONNIETryingisnt the word for him. Insufferable!


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JANEYI mean, hes trying to get himself in order. Like I said,hes that closeto having a job. Hes had a hundredinterviews. The law of averages.

RONNIEWhat kinda screwball job is he going to get? A guy who

wears purple socks.

JANEYThey were freshly ironed.

(NOISES OFF: Two pairs of feet tramping up thestairs. VOICES in conversation, unintelligible.One of them is HARRYs, the other is SARAHs.)

RONNIE

Sounds like Harry andwe have a new neighbor?

JANEYI dont know.

HARRY (O.S.)You studied dance professionally? My wife teaches modernand ballet.

SARAH (O.S.)Like typing.

HARRY (O.S.)What? You like typing.

SARAH (O.S.)

No, its like typing. Dance. Everybody does it. You need todo something else to make a living.

(JANEY hears that, sticks out her tongue.)

HARRY (O.S.)My wife teaches dance. Modern and ballet. Kids, mostly.

(HARRY and SARAH have now arrived at thelanding for the flat. HARRY gets the DOOR part-

way open, and we begin see that he is wearingsome kind of COSTUME. The small-talk continuesas they gradually enter and HARRYs COSTUME isgradually revealed.


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(It is a turtle costume with green stocking-like arms and legs, a large papier-mache andpasteboard SHELL, and a green cover-all MASK.The MASK has a big grinning beak open farenough for the wearer to speak and beunderstood. On the front of the SHELL is agiant cigarette-pack mockup that says TURTLELIGHTS. It holds sample packs of cigarettes.HARRYs new job is distributing these on thestreet. SARAH wears an identical get-up along

with Capezio tap-dance pumps.)

HARRYTop floor, gets warm up here, Im warning you. You may wantto take your mask off.

SARAH (O.S.)Okay.

RONNIEHoley moley.

HARRYIm taking mine off. Hi Ronnie.

SARAH (O.S.)Maybe later. Im still trying to get into character.

JANEYHarry?

HARRY

Honey, look. I got a job!

(Removes his mask. It looks very heavy. SARAHfollows him in but does not remove mask. She iscarrying a TOTE bag for her regular clothes andpersonal belongings and headshots.)

HARRYSarah, this is my wife Janey. Janey this is SarahChallenger. Shes one of my new co-workers. Shes a dancertoo.

JANEY hesitantly shakes hands with SARAH theturtle-lady.


24/35


JANEYWhat kind dance you do?

SARAHStrictly classical.

(RONNIE finds it too hilarious.)

RONNIEHi Sarah, Im Ronnie. Thats a great get-up. Looks like aJimbo Heemer gig, am I right?

SARAHHowdja guess? So long as nobody knows its me, Im notcomplaining. I got friends at Ogilvy & Mather and werehanding them out right outside their building.

JANEYWhats a Jim Boheemer gig?

SARAHJimbo--friend to the artiste. Oddball jobs R us.

JANEY (to HARRY)That wasnt your job interview.

HARRYOh, well, Jimbo was on the way, and Ronnie gave me theaddress and Hey, look, I got a job and I dont even haveto wear a tie. Sarah, sit down. You want a drink? I sureneed one.

SARAHThought youd never ask. So where do you teach?

HARRYAll Ive got to offer you is--

JANEY

The old pickle factory.

(SARAH is looking for a place to sit.)

SARAHNice spaces there. Good floors. Look, youve got a swellhardwood floor too.


25/35


JANEYIt wasnt original, trust me.

(SARAH does a little impromptu tap routine thenfinally SITS DOWN and starts to take off hershoes.)

JANEYClassical, huh?

SARAHNaw, learned that off the TV when I was seven. Onlytimestep I know.

HARRYHoney, what do we have to offer Sarah? Apple juice and

JANEYVodka.

SARAHSounds good. Make mine double. Lots of ice.

HARRYWheres the vodka?

JANEYThats okay Harry, you sit down too, youre the ones beenon his feet handing out cigarettes all afternoon.

SARAHMind if I smoke?

RONNIENo law against it.

(HARRY hands SARAH a hubcap or big dish to useas an ashtray and she lights up a TURTLE LIGHTCIGARETTE. JANEY starts making the drinks.)

SARAHI took this job thinking it would break me of my nicotinecraving. You know, like working in a candy shop. Or achicken farm. I thought Id never want to look at acigarette again. No way!

HARRYWell youve only been doing it a few hours.


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SARAHThats true. You know these arent too bad. Sort of likeMerits but without that sickly sweetness. Have you triedthem?

HARRYI dont smoke. I never smoked.

SARAHYou werent one of the cool kids, eh?

(Studies her cigarette.)

I wonder where the turtle aspect comes in?

(HARRY sees JANEY going to the freezer,

suddenly remembers jumps up.)

HARRYOh honey, let me get the ice.

JANEYNo thats okay, Ive

(She opens the FREEZER and bags of frozen peastumble out again. RONNIE is watching all this

with great interest and amusement.)

SARAHI mean, why a turtle?

RONNIE

You kids doing okay back there? (To SARAH) I have a turtle.

JANEYWell have to defrost someday.

SARAH (to RONNIE)You keep a turtle. What else do you do?

RONNIEI write.

HARRYI started to rearrange things in the freezer but I guess Ididnt do a good job.


27/35


JANEYI saw that big brown thing in the back. What is it? Did youbuy meat?

RONNIE (much amused)Halfway through a movie script right now.

HARRYUh well

JANEY (reaching in)Feels like meat. Whats that meat doing here?

SARAHCripes, youre not vegetarians are you?

(By now the drinks should be prepared. SARAH

gets her with a straw and promptly sucks downhalf of it.)

RONNIEThats mymeat, Janey. Its, uh, lamb shanks. Sorry, Janey.

SARAHI hate vegetarians.

RONNIEI have an electrical problem. Fridge on the fritz.

SARAHYou just dont get enough energy from lentils. You cantreally dance with lentils.

HARRYIm sorry too. Shoulda told you.

JANEYOkay, okay, so were storing Ronnies lamb shanks. Whydidnt you just say so? Hey, Ronnie, is it okay if I take alook at them? Its been a while since I saw a really good

lamb shank.

HARRYMaybe some other time

RONNIEYeah, it took Harry forever to repack the freezer today.


28/35


(HARRY desperately wants to change thesubject.)

HARRYHey, Janey! Did Ronnie tell you about his new screenplay?The Firemans Friend.

RONNIEMr. Charley.

HARRYRight. Mister Charley and the Firemans Friend. Its set in1948.

SARAHAh, film noir! (To HARRY) That means black film.

HARRY

Right! Only it didnt have blacks in the original. I mean,in the book. But I gave Ronnie the idea to put some blackcharacters into it, isnt that right Ronnie?

SARAHBook. What book?

RONNIEAhem. Mr. Charley, the Firemans Friend.

SARAHThats a good title. Is it for real? So thats why youre

wearing the firemans hat, because it gets you intocharacter. Same way Im wearing the turtle head. It all

makes sense.

RONNIEI do find I can think better with the firemans helmet on.

SARAHAnd what about the wheelchair? Does that help you get intocharacter too?

RONNIEWell, I

JANEY (agonized)Sarah! Ronnie is our neighbor. Hes also a cripple.

HARRYLost both his feet in a skiing accident.


29/35


RONNIEThats right. Went right down a crevasse, got stuck, frozeboth of em off.

SARAHYou mean you lost useof your feet. Because I can see yourfeet right now.

RONNIEOh those things in my shoes are just useless rubberprostheses. Pay them no heed.

SARAHSo if I kicked you in the shin you wouldnt feel anything?

RONNIE

Depends on how high up you kicked.

SARAHBut if I kicked you right there!

(And she aims at his ankle, but does not kick.)

RONNIEIt would scare the daylights out of the both of us.

JANEYSarah, please!

HARRYYou dont want to mess up his stumps, Sarah. Hes going tohave his feet reattached as soon as he finishes his

screenplay. Isnt that right, Ronnie?

RONNIEScouts honor.

SARAHYou mean you still have your feet someplace? Doctors

keeping them on ice?

HARRYNo, theyre right here in the freezer!

JANEYHarry! Thats not true. Those are NOT Ronnies feet.


30/35


RONNIEUh oh. Someones in trouble.

HARRY (worst sin of his life)Oh gawd. Ronnie. I, I, I

JANEYIts okay Harry. Theyre not Ronnies feet, not really. Iknow because because I looked.

RONNIEYou did?!

JANEYWell no, but

SARAH

But what?

JANEYHe toldme, Harry. Theyre not real. Theyre just molds forhis new prosthetic feet. Rubber, or silicone, or

RONNIEA new polymer.

JANEYWith a long molecule.

RONNIEVery supple.

JANEY

But you have to keep it in the freezer.

HARRYYou lied to me, Ronnie.

(SARAH gestures toward HARRY with her emptydrink glass.)

SARAHHit me again, someone. Im just getting started. Lets seenow does this mean were not having lamb shanks fordinner?


31/35


HARRYYou hungry? We can order in from the Thai place on Ninth

Avenue.

RONNIEThey have jellied duck feet.

JANEYOh thats not funny.

SARAHOh yes it is. So Ronnie, whats wrong with the rubber feetyouve got on now? You havent told us yet.

RONNIEI cant walk in these. All I can do is wear shoes.

SARAHCan you show me? Ive never seen rubber feet.

RONNIEIm not going to show you my rubber feet. Harry and Janey,

my best friends, theyvenever seen my rubber feet.

SARAHWhats wrong? You ashamed of them? Take your shoes andsocks off.

RONNIEI will not, Missy. Hey, how do I know yourereally female?Huh? How do we know youre not really a guy?

SARAH

What the fuck difference does it make? Im a turtle.

RONNIEHey Harry, I think shes a man. Im going to tell JimboHeemer.

(SARAH reaches into her TOTE and from a big

manila envelope produces a black-and-white-glossy HEADSHOT with typed resume on back.)

SARAHThere ya go sport, Sarah T. Challenger, photo and resume.


32/35


RONNIEHa. How do we know this is you? Right. Televisionappearances. One Life to Live. I believe that! Thats whyyoure standing outside Worldwide Plaza, handing out five-packs of Turtle Light cigarettes.

SARAHNow show me the feet, fire-boy.

RONNIEI want to see you out of that turtle costume before I showyou anything. Whats underneath it?

SARAHNothing! Like a Scotsmans kilt.

RONNIE

See, Harry. I told ya. Its a guy.

SARAHGimme that drink.

(She sucks the DRINK down, shimmies a little,and hums/scats The Darktown Strutters Ball

while doing a STRIPTEASE.)

Doopy doopy doopy doopy meetcha honeyBetter be ready bout half-past-eightDoo doo doo

(SARAH begins with her green arm coverings a laRita Hayworth, then takes off the front andback of the shell.

(SARAH actually does have something onunderneath, rather conventional underwear. Itcould be a black bikini. Even with the turtleMASK still on, this is quite clearly a young,attractive woman. Or a not-so-young,acceptable-looking one, depending on casting

availability.)

JANEYVery classical.

SARAH (to RONNIE)Okay sport, now its your turn.


33/35


RONNIEWhat about up top?

SARAHWhat about up top? Theres no law says we have to take ourhats off in here. Harry, is there a law?

HARRYThere is no law.

RONNIETake it off.

(SARAH does the Darktown Strutters Ballroutine again, this time with a more elaboratedance routine across the floor. She makes acouple of feints at pulling off the turtle MASK

before finally flinging it away. At this pointshe grabs RONNIEs fireman HELMET and puts iton, tilting it low and holding its brim andgoing into a kind of Bob Fosse routine.)

RONNIEGimme back my helmet.

SARAHDoopy doopy doopy doopy doo doo doo dooDoopy doopy doopy doopy doopy dooDoo doo doo dont be lateI want to be there when the band starts playingDoopy doopy

Gonna shake off both my shoes

When they play them doopy-doo blues

(And at these last two lines she dances pastRONNIE and gives him two swift kicks in theinstep. It is immediately apparent that thefeet are not fake at all.

(RONNIE is in tremendous pain, bends over andgrabs his ankles.)

RONNIEOh God Oh God I think that bitch just broke my feet.

JANEYYou have feet, Ronnie!?


34/35


RONNIEYeah. Okay. I got feet. Oh God. Oh God. They dont work toogood but I got feet.

(SARAH gets dressed, not in her turtle costumebut in some jeans and a pullover from her bag.)

HARRYYou lied to us, Ronnie. You lied to me. For how many years?

RONNIETwenty. And Id have done it twenty more if this bitchhadnt showed up.

JANEY

But why, Ronnie?

SARAHMaybe we will have lamb shanks for dinner.

(JANEY has gone to the freezer to move aroundthe frozen-pea bags and extract the brownparcel.

(RONNIE wheels himself toward JANEY,threateningly.)

RONNIESure you want to do that? Youre not going to like what yousee.

(JANEY is slowly unwrapping the bundle out infront on the ironing board or coffee table orsome other place where everyone can see. Ittakes a long time.)

RONNIEIts not a pretty sight.

(Finally JANEY finishes, and pulls out a pairof enormous RUBBER FEET. These could be inclown shoes, or anything else strange andsurprising.)

JANEYWell holy good night, they arerubber feet.


35/35


RONNIE (to SARAH)Not so hungry now, are you, Missy Turtle Meat-eating Bitch.Youve had your last job at Jimbo Heemers, Ill tell youthat. You too, Harry. What were you thinking, bringing thiscreature in here and messing our happy home?

HARRYIts our happy home, Ronnie. You live across the hall.

SARAHWith your turtle.

RONNIEGimme my stuff. Gimme my hat.

(He gathers up the RUBBER FEET and all the

brown paper, and his firemans HELMET.)

JANEYI think we all need a drink. Stay for a drink, Ronnie?

RONNIENo! And Harry. Dont worry about feeding my turtle. Imgoing to hire a professional. Someone whos certified. Andhas a sense of humor!

(RONNIE leaves with a big noise. Makes anotherbig door-slamming noise across the hall.

(JANEY brings drinks while humming TheDarktown Strutters Ball.)

JANEYDoopy-doo Thats a nice tune. Hey Sarah, where did youlearn that little Bob Fosse jazz dance?

HARRYYeah, that was really neat.

SARAHOh, its just something I saw on TV once.

CURTAIN.

fire mans friend

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