(Okay these include pilot announcements as well as funny airline attendants but I’m sure you’ll like them.)

“Please be careful when opening the overhead bins because shift happens”

“If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favour and put your own mask on first”

“The yellow button is your reading light. Please don’t press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your ejector seat button.”

“Sorry about the bumpy landing. It’s not the captain’s fault. It’s not the co­pilot’s fault. It’s the Asphalt.”

“Thanks for flying with us today. We hope you enjoyed giving us your business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

“Please make sure you take all your belonging with you. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please don’t leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened whilst the captain taxis what’s left of the plane to the gate”

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

“We have now reached our cruising altitude. Please feel free to move about the aircraft, but please stay inside the plane until we land. It’s a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings if affects the flight pattern”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing please take them with our compliments.”

“We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”

“To activate oxygen, simply insert 75 cents for the first minute.”

“We have begun our descent. If Chicago is not your planned destination for today, it soon will be.”

“If you are travelling with small children, choose now the one you love the most.”

To the tune of Auld Lang Syne:­

“Should other airlines be forgot

And never brought to mind

Remember Southwest got you here

And we got you here on time”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, that landing was smooth like butter”

“Turn off all your blackberries, blueberries, strawberries,…..in case of emergency disco lighting will light up the airplane.”

“Smoking is not allowed on this flight….smoking is allowed in certain areas of the terminal; those wishing to smoke can follow me.”

“We are now going to attempt to fly to New York.”

“For those of you wondering about the weather at our destination, Honolulu is reporting sunny skies and temperatures of 86 degrees. Unfortunately our destination is Nome Alaska which is reporting 27 degrees below zero and blowing snow.”

“No smoking is allowed, not even in the toilets. Don’t be naughty in our potty. If you do there is a $2,000 fine, and if you had that kind of money you’d be flying United instead of Southwest.”

Pilot asks before take off if this is the first time flying for anyone to press the flight attendant button. When no one pressed the button he said “Good, then I’m the only one.”

Whilst waiting at the gate “Sorry for the delay folks but the machine that breaks your luggage is broken. We’ll have you off the plane as soon as we get done breaking it by hand.”

“Above your head are the control buttons for your reading light and the flight attendant call button. The reading light button will switch your light on and off. Yet no matter how many times you push the other one, it will not turn on your flight attendants.”

After a plane taxiied for a long time:­ “If you look to your right that was the terminal we left an hour ago. I hope that you enjoyed your tour of the airport. We should be leaving shortly.”

In reference to oxygen masks:­ “Please help yourself before helping small children or politicians.”

“Folks it has been great having you flying with us today. But just like my Dad said to me the day I turned 18: get out.”

“Flight attendants prepare for blast off”

“We will be serving dinner on our flight this evening. And ice cream if everybody behaves themselves.”

“Please be seated whilst the fasten seatbelt sign is on, or we will be forced to re­seat you to the wing and watch our own little version of “Gone with the wind.”

After a heavy landing the pilot announced “As you may already know, we have hit our destination.”

“I’d like to remind you that it is not against federal law to smile at a flight attendant.”

After a plane landed, arrived at the gate and the seatbelt sign went off the SouthWest attendant said “All rise.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have on our flight today someone who is taking his first flighton his 80th birthday. Please give a round of applause for your captain.”

“Today’s flight should take about 3 hours, but luckily I know a shortcut so we might be a little early.”

“Those on the left side of the plane, if you look out of your window you will see John Travolta’s plane” to which all passengers on the left eagerly looked out of the window. “Those on the right side can look out of their window and see John Travolta.” There was a mad rush of passengers to the right as the flight attendant cracked up in laughter.

As the plane is taxiing to the gate the pilot announces “We are currently recruiting people to clean the aircraft. If you wish to volunteer then please stand before we have come to a stop.”

On an early morning flight “I noticed a few ladies who forgot to put on their makeup this morning. I’ll be dimming the lights for your convenience.”

“We’ll be dimming the lights to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

“We are now going to dim the lights for take off. If you are scared of the dark or that the bogey man will get you, don’t worry, he only flies with American Airlines.”

“Our flight attendants will be coming down the aisle to collect any trash, along with any chocolates or jewellery. Unfortunately they don’t accept husbands or wives.”

“Thank you for choosing Southwest Airlines for your flight today. If you had any problems with this flight, just so you remember you were riding with Delta.”

“Position your seatbelt tight, low and across your hips, like my grandmother wears her support bra.”

Whilst showing a life jacket “If we land near a hot tub everbody gets their own teeny weeny yellow Southwest bikini.”

“This is a no smoking, no whining, no complaining flight.”

“Cabin crew are coming by hoping you will tell them how good looking they are.”

“Even though the small bag may not inflate you are receiving lots of gin, oxygen that is.”

“If there is anything we can do to make your flight more enjoyable then please tell us, as soon as we land in Salt Lake City. If there is anything you can do to make our flight more enjoyable we’ll tell you immediately.”

“If you look to your left, you will see the Grand Canyon. If you look to your right, the plane will tip upside down!”

“Sit back. Relax. Enjoy our hospitality. Or you can sit up and be tense. The choice is yours.”

“For those of you travelling with your children – why? And for those of you that are travelling with two of your children, what in the world were you thinking?”

“To operate your seat belt insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; if you don’t know how to operate a seat belt you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

After a bumpy landing “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

“Thank you for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”

“The signs on the ceiling and the disco lights on the floor will lead you to the exits.”

“Folks this is a life vest, not a toilet seat cover.”

“We wouldn’t have shown up for work tonight if we’d anticipated a decompression in the cabin pressure.”

“How about that landing? Not bad for his first day.”

“For your safety and those you might fall on, please keep your seat belt fastened.”

“This is the termination of this flight and possibly this crew.”

“Make sure you get all your personal belongings, personal problems, anything you brought on board and take it when you leave.”

“For those of you that can tell the time we are 10 minutes early. So the next time we are 2­3 hours late we’ll just call it even.”

“If you don’t like humour we have exits.”

“You will find the safety briefing card in your seat pocket. It is beautiful and has lots of nice pictures.”

Announced during a period of turbulence: “No need to be alarmed folks, that’s just the sound of your luggage being ejected from the aircraft.”

After a bumpy landing: “That was a rough one. Since you all survived we expect you to keep all those promises that you just made.”

“Hi, I’m Captain Amanda Smith. Yes, I’m a female pilot and as a benefit if we get lost on the way I won’t be afraid to stop and ask for directions.”

“In the unlikely event of a water landing, just think of the incredible story you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren.”

“If you are travelling with someone who needs assistance, put your own mask on first then assist the other passenger – unless it is my ex­boyfriend then don’t bother.”

“We are cleared for departure. We are about to get really high and go reaaaallllly faaaassst!!!!”

“If you are connecting on another Southwest flight, look for your flights on the monitors in the terminal. If you are connecting on another airline, we really don’t care what happens.”

“I’ve just been informed that my mother in law has just passed security and will be shortly boarding this flight using one of my crew passes. If you all sit down fast, we should be able to get out of here before she arrives.”

“In the event of a drop in cabin pressure please put on your own oxygen mask first and then assist your child. If you don’t want to assist the child, it’s okay, we will not judge you.”

“As we taxi out we’d like those passengers sat on the right side of the aircraft to press their faces against the window. We’d like to remind those other airlines what a full plane looks like.”

“If your life vest does not inflate your life vest is broken. Oops. So sorry.”

“We’ll be landing as soon as we get closer to the ground.”

“Okay folks, connecting flights…..oh look, there’s 10 of you going to Cleveland…..That could be…..fun.”

Pilot as the cabin lights are dimmed “The lights are dim and you all are sleepy, very very sleepy. You don’t need any assistance from your cabin crew. Sleep now and remember cabin crew members can be very dangerous. Zzzzzz.”

“Please feel free to leave behind any of your items in the overhead compartment; I’m having a yard sale this weekend.”

“Prior to takeoff the flight attendants will be walking up and down the aisle to make sure all of you have matching socks.”

“Southwest is going to some very new, interesting, and even exotic places nowadays. Aruba, Cancun, Jamaica…even Flint, Michigan.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the home of the World Champion 1908 Chicago Cubs!”

“Please refrain from smoking until you reach a designated smoking area, which for California, is Las Vegas.”

“Your menu choices are chicken or pasta. If we’re out of your choice by the time we get to you, don’t worry, they all taste the same.”

“Federal law prohibits tampering with smoke detectors and webcams in the lavatory.”

“In a short time we will serve refreshments. Please remember that we are in the airline business, not the food business.”

After a hard landing “Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just attacked Los Angeles.”

“This aircraft is equipped to land on water….once.”

As the passengers applaud the end of a safety announcement “We appreciate your applause, but frankly, we prefer cash.”

“Please return your seats to their upright and most uncomfortable position.”

Pilot: “Ladies and Gentlemen welcome aboard this Southwest flight to Denver. We will be taking off just as soon I get through page 10 of this flight manual.”

“Thank you for flying Southwest. We know you have other choices but you’re too cheap so you’re flying with us.”

After take off from Orange County the power was reduced which made the engines quieter. The flight attendant then said “Shhhh, we’re flying over rich people.”

“When exiting the plane please watch out for the low overhead door. If you forget, please watch your language.”

“Now that we’re here I’ll tell you the same thing my mother told me: Get your bags and get out!”

“Please keep your seat belts fastened and enjoy our complimentary turbulence.”

“We just found a wallet in the aisle……now that we have your attention here is some important safety information.”

Whilst holding up an oxygen mask the flight attendant said “and unlike Bill Clinton, you will have to inhale.”

“In the event of a water landing your seat functions as a personal flotation device with a complimentary head rest. So you can take a nap and pray the natives aren’t cannibals.”

“Keep your mask on until you’re told to remove it by a uniformed flight attendant. Don’t listen to the naked flight attendants, you can’t trust them.”

Flight attendant on a Virgin Australia flight “And today we have someone who is celebrating their 21st birthday, please stand up xxxxxxx……Fancy that, 21 and never been in a Virgin.”

“Federal regulation requires passenger compliance with crew members instruction regarding seat belts and sulking.”