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Rotter’s New

DICTIONARY

FOOD

& WINE

Why does English – usually brilliantly verbose on life’s infinite glories –

become so encumbered when it comes to food and wine? Maybe it’s our uptight British heritage, that rhapsodising over such trivial pursuits has long been considered better left to the French, but every time Noble Rot reads ‘succulent’ or ‘foraged’ on a restaurant menu, or garrulous lists of fruit and vegetable aromas passed off as wine reviews, a part of us dies. Of course, you might say this organ is just as guilty of such mumbo jumbo, employing woolly terminology such as ‘minerality’, or the thirst-inspiring ‘acidic’, to describe our favourite juice. So, we thought, let’s go all the way and devise some original words of our own to bolster the gastronomic vernacular – we probably can’t do any worse. Enlisting the help of some of our favourite chefs, writers and winos, allow us to introduce Rotter’s New Food & Wine Dictionary… DK

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A Acetic-evangelist (n.)

1. natural-wine drinker disproportionately obsessed with no sulphur additions (Dan Keeling)

Agadoo (n.) 1. term used for Chardonnay with hints of pineapple (shake the tree) (Neal Martin)

Allergeeks (n.) 1. people who are desperately trying to find something they are allergic to. They usually develop fallergies(Itamar Srulovich & Sarit Packer)

Apricorn (n.) 1. confluence of apricot and popcorn flavour in white wine Ex: Georges Vernay Condrieu ‘Coteau de Vernon’ (Dan Keeling)

B Baggered (adj.)

1. food made pappy and insipid as a result of sous-vide cooking (Rowley Leigh)

Biapathy (n.) 1. lack of interest in

ecological matters relating to wine (Rowley Leigh)

CChelife (n.)

1. a contradiction in terms(Jackson Boxer)

D Dessertated (adj.)

1. mood at a table sharing dessert when there’s one forkful of cheesecake left on the plate (Itamar Srulovich & Sarit Packer)

Door whore (n.) 1. restaurant who posts gloating imagery of the queue outside their no-reservations small-plates concept (Jackson Boxer)

E Earthyworthy (n.)

1. someone who will often employ the word ‘earthy’ when all other descriptions regarding a flavour in a dish have been exhausted. Ex: “The monkfish poached in spring water had an almost earthy taste about it. The wild garlic leaves cooked with it, however, were a little watery” (Simon Hopkinson)

Eggceptional (adj.) 1. a brilliant omelette (Russell Norman)

Eggscrement (n.) 1. an absolutely shit omelette (Russell Norman)

Emdoubleyoued (adj.) 1. a wine rendered so complex that only Masters of Wine can understand it (Neal Martin)

F Fallergies (n. pl.)

1. false, fictitious or fake allergies; no one is allergic to sparkling water (Itamar Srulovich & Sarit Packer)

Foamfucked (adj.) 1. a restaurant dish completely ruined by the chef’s Michelin aspirations, or from watching too many episodes of MasterChef (Russell Norman)

Fuckfusion (n.) 1. total culinary promiscuity; elements from at least ten countries over three continents in every dish (Diana Henry)

Funkality (n.) 1. the quality of a natural wine that is funky on the nose with loads of minerality on the palate.

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Rotter’s New Food & Wine Dictionary

Often used for Jura white. (Rajat Parr)

G Greaseball (n.)

1. food critic with enthusiasm for barbecued food (Rowley Leigh)

I Immaculate conception (n.)

1. a new restaurant that’s so self-confident that the waiter doesn’t have to explain ‘the concept’ or ask “Have you eaten at Cheese ’n’ Flatbread before?”

(Tim Hayward) Instabland (adj.)

1. dishes that look absolutely amazing on social media, but taste of absolutely bugger-all (Marina O’Loughlin)

L Labelfücker (n.)

1. German wine collector who buys only Bordeaux First Growths (Dan Keeling)

Lava (n.) 1. a salad which has ambitions towards being a sauce, or a sauce which has ambitions towards

being a salad (Fergus Henderson)

M Masterchefing (v.)

1. series of doctrines, indistinguishable from magic, for increasing the retail price of ingredients. Not to be mistaken for ‘cooking’. Practices include: a) ‘deconstruction’ b) piling up/spreading out c) gratuitous textural change d) serving on non-standard tableware e) sous-viding anything that isn’t torched or freeze-dried (Tim Hayward)

Melonious (adj.) 1. fruity description of Chardonnay. Cf. gooseberried: ostracised with a glass of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. Cf. insancerrity: dishonest blurb relating to French Sauvignon Blanc (Rowley Leigh)

Micromenaged (adj.) 1. food prepared with tweezers, often whoreticultural (Rowley Leigh)

NNeagh (adj.)

1. onomatopoeic culinary word, of which the pickled walnut is a great example, for giving iconography to the plate and the taste buds (Fergus Henderson)

OObi-Wine Kenobi (n.)

1. a sommelier of such charm that they can superimpose their own desires over those of the customer. The punter asks for a bottle of something they recognise, like and can afford, but the sommelier, with strong eye-contact and the words “These are not the wines you are looking for”, sells them 80 quid’s worth of something outrageous, obscure and usually ‘natural’ – if only to the extent that it tastes like it has been aged for a while in the bladder of a live cat (Tim Hayward)

P Pinobore (n.)

1. tedious Burgundy obsessive. Cf. Armand ice cream: geezer with lots of Rousseau in his cellar

Rotter’s New Food & Wine Dictionary

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Cf. Rouminant, Dee Arsey Cf. also under the Coche: unable to afford expensive Meursault (Rowley Leigh)

Photochop (v.) 1. to cut food symmetrically for the benefit of the camera, distorting its natural shape (Rowley Leigh)

Pollocks (n.) 1. ‘accidental’ school of food presentation (Rowley Leigh)

Pinogrigioed (v.) 1. deliberately made to taste bland and dull (either a dish or a wine) in order to appeal to the largest number of undiscerning diners (Diana Henry)

Pokémoan (n.) 1. sound emitted by diner when new street food trend turns out to be money for old rope (Bob Grandleese)

Pomegratuitous (adj.) 1. dish or meal that has every single Middle Eastern cliché in it, and for no good reason whatsoever. Pomegranates, sumac and za’atar all over the damned place (Diana Henry)

Pseudo-pains (n. pl.) 1. the elevation of an entire food group solely on the basis of what it is not (Yotam Ottolenghi)

R Rekondo’ed (adj.)

1. enjoying a lavish selection of mature wines in a restaurant under the misguided belief they are still historically priced (Dan Keeling)

SSchuldeschmecken (n.)

1. the time-sucking act of tasting wine you have no interest in, in order not to hurt the purveyor’s feelings. Applies to a lot of Australian and Tuscan wine but, oddly, not German (Jon Bonné)

Sloozy (adj.) 1. food that’s sleazy and oozy and foodporny, especially the kinds of things that get soft focus close-ups, i.e. weeping eggs, dribbling toasted cheese, sloppy burgers (Marina O’Loughlin)

Space plating (n.) 1. a dish plated with maximum area of ceramic on show. In presenting art forms like photography or

poetry white space draws the consumer’s attention more closely to the art. In dining it draws the consumer’s attention to the crying need for custard or gravy (Tim Hayward)

Spaghetti bollocknaise (n.) 1. pasta dish that bears no resemblance to anything from the genuine Italian culinary canon (Russell Norman)

Spheriication (n.) 1. balls (Rowley Leigh)

Swanners (n.) 1. kitchen slang for when a chef has to make sure a plate of food is absolutely perfect as it is destined for the table of Gordon Ramsay, or a lady who they think might be Marina O’Loughlin. See also ‘Swan’, ‘Soignee’ or, courtesy of Victor Liong of restaurant Lee Ho Fook in Melbourne, a signal to the relevant chef in the team involving holding a hand up to your side with arm bent and thumb touching forefinger like a shadow puppet swan’s head (Isaac McHale)

T Tabledrone (n.)

1. speech, composed by chef or restaurateur, to be delivered tableside by an unwilling member of staff. If the chef wrote it, it’s usually a barbarous and derivative piece of verbiage that’s effectively an excuse for the dish. If the restaurateur wrote it, it’s ‘the concept’ lifted verbatim from the business plan. As far as the diner is concerned, it should be unnecessary. For the staff member, it’s cruel and unusual punishment and delivered with all the spontaneity and joy of a confession after waterboarding (Tim Hayward)

T’wheat intolerance (n.) 1. Yorkshire antipathy to social media(Rowley Leigh)

U Uncooperative (n.)

1. a winery jointly owned by multiple grumpy grape growers (Dan Keeling)

Underleaf (n.) 1. the aromas of the underside of a leaf: depending on the state of

the leaf (fresh, autumnal, dead), the origin of the leaf (tree, shrub, flower, vegetable), the form of the leaf; there are many possible interpretations. It does not describe the obvious (Becky Wasserman) W

Wagamumble (n.) 1. tableside disclaimer which explains that the food will arrive in no particular order or timescale. The idea originated at Wagamama[1], where it was believed to be an authentic part of Japanese culture. In fact, non-linear delivery has always been – and always will be – the result of the whims of the cook and the competence of FOH staff. [1]A loose anglicisation of the traditional Japanese Wã-Gam-Amã meaning “when I’m good and ready” (Tim Hayward)

Whoreticultural (adj.) 1. menu laden with tasteless foraged greens (Rowley Leigh)

With thanks to Becky Wasserman and Russell Hone