funnies extra maine - janaury 2013 issue

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BIZ by DAVE BLAZEK OFF THE MARK by MARK PARISI CAPTION CONTEST

Congratulations to last issue’s winner, Gregory W. Peet, 56, of Thomaston, who submitted the following caption to last issue’s contest: “As your Realtor, I recom-mend that your offer is contingent on a satisfactory home inspection.” Send your best caption to this week’s contest to: [email protected] and type “Cap-tion Contest” in the subject line. The winning captions will be published in the next issue with the winner’s name, age and city with permission. Void where prohibited.

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WIZARD OF ID by PARKER & MASTROIANNI & HART

HOLY MOLÉ by RICK HOTTON

DOGS OF C-KENNEL by MICK & MASON MASTROIANNI

HALF BAKED by RICK ELLIS



Years ago, Tom invited me on a fl y fi shing trip with half a dozen other guys. I barely knew him. The others were to-tal strangers. I had never fl y fi shed and I don’t eat fi sh but he was an important client at the time. I thought it would be good for business. With the top down on my spanking new Jeep, I cruised over four mountain passes on a mesmerizing June afternoon. The group converged on a rustic mountain cabin overlooking the sparkling Taylor River. The cabin soon looked like a scene from Animal House—clothes, food, gear, and half-empty bever-ages scattered everywhere.

Over the long weekend, we spent more time getting ready to fi sh then we did fi shing. We’d sit around the campfi re late into the night. During the day, we’d take turns sneaking off for a ‘Rip Van Winkle’—a covert nap from which you awaken wondering, “Who am I and what year is it?” We spent Saturday evening at nearby Crested Butte in a smoky pub pre-tending that Tom was Don Johnson and the rest of us his entourage. On the drive home, I decided next year would be dif-ferent—fewer extra-curricular activities; more adventure.

The next June I brought along Dan. We’d been swapping stories and decided it was time to share an adventure. Turns out he wasn’t who I thought he was. Pic-ture Dr. Frasier Crane on a mountain bike. We arrived at the cabin late in the evening after a side trip into town for Pinot Gri-gio paired with gouda cheese and 7 grain stoneground crackers. The campfi re fes-tivities were in full swing. “Cabins are for wusses,” I declared. Dan and I set up a tent a mile downstream where I spent a sleepless night with the river roaring in my ears, pondering—as I am prone to do—the impending Apocalypse. Dan donned earplugs and an eye mask from his Lufthansa fi rst class airline amenity kit, crushed half an Ambien into a cup of Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea, and slept like a baby.

We rose early, biked over to the cabin, and rousted the others out of their cushy beds. “Up and at ‘em!” I announced. “We’re kayaking the Taylor!” They were surprisingly receptive. Meanwhile, Dan fussed around the cluttered cabin. “Why does everyone just throw all their (exple-tive deleted) on this table?” he scolded. True, the dining table was cluttered with open bags of taco chips, questionable

Ring of F

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THE OTHER COAST by ADRIAN RAESIDE

RALF THE DESTROYER by SCOTT LINCOLN

SUNSHINE STATE by GRAHAM NOLAN

PICKLES by BRIAN CRANE

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On the walk to the river guide’s van, Nat asked, “Is this dangerous? I had a bad experience in the water when I was a little boy.” I placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “It’s just Class II rapids. Don’t sweat it.” We drove upstream to the launch site and lined up for the guide’s standard river safety lecture which Dan subsequently turned into a morning in-spection of the troops. Personally, I was quite proud of my comrades—rank amateurs outfi tted in matching wet suits, helmets, and life vests—all lined up and leaning on kayak paddles. Inexplicably, the launch point was a gap in the bushes on a steep hillside where the water rushed by like it was on its way to a fi re. One by one, the guide helped each guest into their kayak with the command, “just ride the current until you get to that eddy around the corner and wait there”. As soon as the guide let go of the stern, each kayak launched in the river like a pebble out of a slingshot. Nat was last. He shot forward, t-boned a boulder, fl ipped over, swam to the opposite shore, and hitchhiked back to the lodge.

That night, I abandoned snoring Dan at the tent, drove over to the cabin, and joined the rest of the guys at the camp-fi re. They were halfway through a farting contest and bragging about their college girlfriends. The next year, my old col-lege buddy Wild Man took Dan’s place. He’s hosted many interesting activities over the years such as Paintball at the OK Corral and Pick-Axe Hurling. This year’s trip is in the books. Those who were once strangers are now brothers. We’ve shared a dozen years of life experiences—di-vorces, career traumas, parenting chal-lenges. Our theme song is Ring of Fire. On the fi nal evening we play it loud and sing along, toasting each other across the fl ames of a roaring campfi re. Yes, each one of us has literally fallen into a burn-ing ring of fi re at some time or the other. Those cheap camp chairs are shaky. Each time someone goes down you reach in, pull him out, dust him off, and move on. Some got singed worse than others. But each of us knows there always has been—always will be—the steady hand of a friend to pull you out of the fl ame.

Jim Lein writes about adventure, life, mu-sic, and parenthood for lifestyle magazines including Colorado Serenity and Mountain Ga-zette. His home in the Colorado Rockies serves both as an offi ce and as a base camp for a vari-ety of outdoor and musical activities.

On the side, he makes his living writing about how companies employ software to im-prove business performance. He has been pub-lished in numerous trade journals and business magazines.

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I’ve never been one to develop a New Years Resolution. Th at is not to say I do not think I should make changes to improve my life. In fact, I showered a couple of days ago without even being told it was necessary.

I actually am a fi rm believer that we’d all benefi t from taking a deep in-ventory of our own lives and modify-ing the areas that need it. I just feel that it should happen whenever I am moti-vated, not just on January 1.

For example, I have been on many diets in my life. One of the more re-cent ones began the day aft er I drove over a pothole in my car and my chest jiggled. Th is was, to that point, some-thing I had not experienced in my life. I was born a man and have been one throughout my life. Such a jiggle should not naturally happen to those of my gender.

Unfortunately, my physique was craft ed by Ben and Jerry.

I do realize that I am in constant need of improvement and, with that in mind, I will now list the top fi ve pos-sible considerations for change that I may or may not ever instigate in my life.

(1)NASTY FACEBOOKSCRABBLE HABIT

A few months ago, I began playing online Scrabble through Facebook. If

you haven’t heard of it, Facebook is a website that off ers users the conve-nience of more easily letting people know when they’ve gone to the gym or have thrown up. You can also play games through the site. Years ago I was strung out on Farmville until one day, when experiencing an urgency to fi nish my real life responsibilities so I could harvest my Farmville strawber-ries, I fi nally developed the clarity of mind to realize that THERE ARE AC-TUALLY NO STRAWBERRIES! Th ey were not real, but my status as a loser was.

Scrabble is more intellec-tually stimu-lating, but I am now at the point where my teenaged children are consistently beating me. While I am happy for them that they are winning, I am sad for me that I am losing.

(2)DISGUSTINGLY DIRTY

CAR INTERIORMy Pontiac Grand Am tends to

get disgusting on the inside every few months. I am usually pretty comfort-able with this, since the outside looks disgusting, too. I fear that if I too greatly improve the looks of the inte-rior, I will present an inconsistent total car look, confusing the general public as to the image I am going for. Every few months I grow motivated enough to shovel out all of the apple cores and

Pop Tart wrappers and see if I can fi nd the carpet. Usually, though, as long as I’m still able to push the accelerator to the fl oor, I can deal with the stench by rolling down the window or holding my breath on shorter trips.

(3)EMBARRASSINGMY CHILDREN

My children are thirteen and four-teen years old. I think they think we are cooler than we actually are, but that’s only sometimes. Th ey oft en get a

clearer view of how embarrassing we can be. For example, my wife recently wanted to wear a pair of pointy elf ears to our fam-ily’s viewing of Th e Hob-

bit, but my son wouldn’t allow

it.Additionally, I

oft entimes break out into Th e Cuddle Dance. Th is is a dance I made up one evening at home. I do not remember how it got its name, but I’m pretty sure it makes no sense. During Th e Cuddle Dance, I just smile a lot and improvise a joyous, yet disturbing jig. I have yet to break this dance out in full view of anyone outside of my own home. However, if I ever need to humiliate my children in an emergency, it’s nice to know it’s available.

(4)BEING MORE LOVING

TO MY WIFE

Th e best way for me to commu-nicate love to my wife is not to do so verbally. Instead, she responds better to thoughtful gestures, like writing poetry, cleaning the house or holding in fl atulence. I should make better ef-forts to express my love for her in ways it’s better received, perhaps trying to complete all of the three aforemen-tioned tasks simultaneously.

(5)EATING FOOD THAT

DOES NOT TASTE GOODI have a bad habit of eating foods

that I enjoy, many of which come in a bag and are very crunchy. Unfortu-nately, many of these choices slowly kill me. For this reason, I really should eat more foods that I have no interest in, like vegetables and fruit. Many peo-ple will oft en keep plastic fruit on their tables for some reason. Th is has always confused me, but I suppose it makes sense, since probably many people aren’t tempted to actually eat fruit. If, however, homemakers were to display plastic Snickers Bars or Doritos, many people would need to be taken imme-diately to the hospital.

Th ose are just a few of the many things I should change in my life. I could come up with a much longer list, and my wife would be able to fi ll in anything that I missed.

In 2013, regardless of how awe-some you think you are, I encourage you to look into the mirror and con-sider what you might do to improve your own life. Setting your sights on a respectable goal and persevering to that end is a great way to add quality to your existence,

And a fantastic reason to celebrate with Th e Cuddle Dance.

Resolving to Not Have a Resolution

by Chris Quimby

Chris Quimby is a husband, father, and publisher of Funnies Extra in Maine. A graphic designer and standup comedian, Chris has over ten years experience in the print industry. Chris and his wife, Heather, are excited to offer Funnies Extra to Maine, offering a fun and attractive departure from the norm. Chris can be reached at [email protected] or facebook.com/ChrisQuimby

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HOXWINDER HALL by DANIEL BORIS

15 MINUTES by ROBERT DUCKETT


© 2011 Robert Duckett / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

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*Did you know that Stannous fl uoride, which is the cavity fi ghter found in toothpaste, is made from recycled tin? *When you walk down a steep hill, the pressure on your knees is

equal to three times your body weight. *The human brain is 80% water.

FACT OR FICTION?

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LAST MONTH’S ANSWERS

© 2011 Sheila Anderson / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

CHUCK DOWNS Cartoonist

Haikus amuse meBut sometimes can confuse me

Refrigerator

I always fi nd random things in my pockets at the end of the day: paper clips, gum wrappers, dry cleaning receipts and the ever-present lint. These drawings are what’s left in my head when the day is done: the random “pocket lint” of my brain.

Chuck Downs is a carbon-based form of cartoonist who lives in Florida with his wife and two children. By day, he is vice president of marketing for a company that clearly does not conduct very thorough background checks. By night, he fi ghts crime. Now that he is old-er, his experience only walks the gamut for fear of pulling a ham-string. He often “misuses” quota-tion marks, and likes to frequently split his infi nitives.

Funnies Extra! will feature at least four straight issues of comic strips and panels from aspiring, non-syndicated cartoonists. Comic strips or cartoon panels may be published from cartoonists of any age, with a short bio. For submission guidelines and information,go to: www.funnies-extra.com/submissions. Send each furnished strip as a PDF fi le along with your name, age, address and phone number. Send 5 to 10 color submissions to: [email protected] and type “Spotlight” in the subject line.Good luck and have fun! (participation void where prohibited)

HOLLYWEIRD by MARK SIMON


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Certified General AppraiserCertified Maine Assessor

Ray Quimby

MARK SIMON Producer/Director/Cartoonist

Mark Simon is 25-year fi lm & TV veteran amassing over 3,000 production credits including animation producer on Larry the Cable Guy’s latest movie, Tooth Fairy 2. His storyboard and animation companies, www.Storyboards-East.com, have included clients such as Disney, Uni-versal, Viacom, Sony, HBO, Nickelodeon, FOX, Steven Spielberg, USA Networks, ABC Tele-vision and many others. His experience selling original TV series lead to his founding www.SellYourTvConceptNow.com to mentor other creators. He is also the author of ten popular industry texts, and lectures around the world at major conferences, entertainment trade schools and universities.

POCKET LINT by CHUCK DOWNS


ACROSS1 Foretell 67 Kind of division 27 Temporary state5 Leak slowly 68 Playing with a 28 Urban's opposite9 Old Turkish title full deck 29 End of the Greek

14 Tied, scorewise 69 Apt to pout alphabet15 Hand-fist 70 Counter current 30 Hard to miss

connector 71 Otherwise 32 Censor sound16 Deed holder 33 Sailor's vacation17 Bath powder DOWN 34 Keyboard key18 Nothing but 1 Old VHS 37 Cook's need19 Get used to alternative 40 Plane part20 Top athlete 2 D.C. office 42 Transparent23 Feathered scarf 3 Big name in PC's 44 Tear apart24 "Spy vs. Spy" 4 Set up tents 45 Sneeze inducer

magazine 5 Sooner or later 48 Cheap and 25 Mars' neighbor 6 At any time gaudy27 Stagehand 7 Spine-tingling 50 Type of tax31 Eliciting laughter 8 Unstable 52 Ceded a seat35 U2 album, 9 Scoreboard 54 Did some laps

"Rattle and ___" display 55 Game on 36 Mr. Magoo's 10 Beard on grain horseback

malady 11 Social slight 56 Mate or mobile 38 Country singer 12 Protagonist starter

Campbell 13 Surface 58 Horse height unit39 Concert venue measure 59 Exam format41 Far-many link 21 "_____ Mia!" 60 Pen residents42 Use marked 22 Opera solo 61 Leg joint

cards, e.g. 26 Word before 63 Batted first, with43 Type of palm five or dive "off"44 Ceremonial act46 Morn's opposite47 Waistband

material49 Surprise

success51 Roof part53 So. Cal. airport54 Health resort57 Rooster on a

roof62 Is willing to64 Wild hog65 Golf club66 Raise a hem,

perhaps

The Weekly Crossword

Answer to Last Week's Crossword

by Margie E. Burke

Copyright 2012 by The Puzzle Syndicate

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

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17 18 19

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27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34

35 36 37 38

39 40 41 42

43 44 45 46

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54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61

62 63 64 65

66 67 68

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C R A B A D A P T E L A NY A L E D O B I E N O N ES C O T C H T A P E S N O WT E E T H E R E T I C E N T

E U R O R E D OS T A R T E R S R E N T E DP E N E N D O N S C O N EU N T O T E N O R E A S TM O I R E R A V E N S U EE N C A M P R E G I S T E R

T I E R L I S TD E P O R T E E S E A D O GO V E R I N A P T I T U D ED E L I T A S E R U P O NO N T O E L E G Y S E R E

THE DEEP END by TYSON COLESPECTICKLES by BILL ABBOTT


No minimum balance or monthly fees.

Available with VISA debit card- just like writing a

check, but accepted anywhere you see VISA.

KSW@Home Home Banking. Allows you 24/7 account access online.

CUe-Statement View and store statements online- eliminates paper waste.

Online Bill Pay One-time $5 setup fee- pay virtually any bill from one site.

Mobile Banking Check balances and make transfers anywhere, anytime, from a mobile device. (text/data rates may apply)

e-Servicesenjoy our convenient

also...Free Personal Checking Accounts

135 WALDO AVENUE, BELFAST, ME 04915 | (207)338-5160 FAX: (207)338-6129222 COLLEGE AVENUE, WATERVILLE, ME 04901 | (207)872-5602 FAX: (207)872-5776

www.kswfcu.org

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Answers to last month’s crossword

Make your ads stand out and get read even more by having them drawn as cartoons!

Local illustrator and Tastes Like Chicken creator, Josh Alves, will recreate your ad for a one-time, flat fee.

AFTERFTEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRChris Quimby | 207.557.3251 | [email protected]

This offer is available to any Funnies Extra advertisers with 8 issue agreements.

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KARMA CAFE by RICHARD CROSS and BILL ABBOTT

SPEED BUMP by DAVE COVERLY CHUCKLE BROS by BRIAN & RON BOYCHUCK


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