Get Real . . .Drop the ideals

Being realistic in your criteria for a spouse

Presented BySheikh Musleh Khan

The Prophet SAW said:

"A woman is married for four things, i.e. her

wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her

religion. So choose the one with religion,

may your hands be rubbed with dust!”

[Al Bukhari and Muslim]

From this hadith it is permissible to search

for any of the four criteria, but religion should

take precedence over the others

Obstacles

Unreasonable expectations with regards to looks

Focusing on only superficial aspects of beauty

Some cultures – extremely specific in requirements e.g. Skin colour, build

Wisdom

Important to have a level of attraction in marriage but the deciding factor should be religion

Beauty – temporary like a flower, deen – lasting like a pearl

Ideal: they need to look like a modelGet real: your true beauty is your deenBE

AUTY

Ideal: She needs to be younger than meGet real: age is just a number

Obstacles

Men want very young wives

Women don’t want big age gap/too old husbands

Stigma – older unmarried women

Wisdom

Khadijah radiallahu anha was older than the Prophet SAW – she was the most beloved of his wives

Marrying older spouse – advantage as usually possess more knowledge/life experience/independence

AGE

Obstacles Too much emphasis on owning property – restricts

many men from marriage Men who want either working or stay at home wives

only Women who have no desire to be sensible/careful with

their husband’s money

Wisdom Rizq is from Allah Prophet SAW said: “The best of all women are the

women of Quraish...the most protective over the wealth of her husband.” [Al Bukhari]

Ideal: nice house, nice car, nice jewelleryGet real: material wealth comes and goesW

EALT

H

Obstacles Restricting oneself to the same ‘profession’ Expecting same or higher level of education e.g.

Masters, PhD Not allowing continuation of studies after marriage

Wisdom Higher education is not for everyone – people have

different skills and talents Plenty of jobs/careers that don’t require a degree Best knowledge is Islamic knowledge

Ideal: they need to have at least a degree

Get real: people have different skills

EDU

CATI

ON

Obstacles

For some, practising alone is not enough

Some proposals are conditional upon religious actions first e.g. Hajj first, hafiz, niqab etc

Wisdom

Not everyone has the ability

No compulsion in religion

Ideal: I want a sheikh/alima only

Get real: imaan is measured in many ways

DEE

N

Obstacles

Parents often have unrealistic and unattainable expectations of their daughter/son-in-law

Women don’t want to live with in-laws, or men don’t want to move out

Wisdom

Ideal: They need to meet our expectations

Get real: it’s hard to please everybodyIN-L

AWS

Obstacles

Stigma attached to the divorced

If there are children involved

Many divorced men expect only unmarried women

Wisdom

Divorcee brings their experience with them

Islam doesn’t recognise this stigma

Ideal: I WILL NEVER MARRY A DIVORCEE

Get real: BE HUMBLE, you don’t know your fate

DIV

ORC

EES

It’s good to have an idea of what you want/we all want the best for ourselves and family but unrealistic expectations and an inflexible attitude will severely limit your choices

Only Allah is perfect

Be more open-minded

Look at the whole person – not just one aspect

summary

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