GOTTMAN’S TECHNIQUE Lori Micke 1

The technique I selected is from Dr. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principle’s for making marriage

work. Gottman has mentioned in his book that he can tell when a marriage won’t last. He also indicates

that both couples need to want their marriage to work. The seven principles he mentions in his book

have been tested, used in his workshops, and clinicians have been trained using his methods. He says

one of the most important principle is, “to enhance your love maps” a couple should know and have a

good idea about their spouse. Gottman uses an example of a couple in his book and he says, “She knows

her spouse’s goals, hopes, and worries.” He also tells his readers that if you don’t know your spouse

than how can one really truly love their spouse. Gottman goes on to say that if each of the couples he

worked with knew each other’s love maps by detail they would know each other’s worlds. The couple is

far better to cope with the stressful events and conflicts that arise.” The more you know and understand

each other, the better you are to keep connected as life swirls around you.”

To get to know your spouse better or to see how much you know your spouse Gottman includes a

questionnaire and a couple of exercises – play a game. What I have is a list of questions each spouse

answers than is scored on how strong their marriage is…The second is an exercise that is more a game

to play with your spouse. Each partner picks 20 random numbers between 1- 60. If both partners are

wrong neither one gets a score but if one is right he or she get the score. The partner with the highest

points wins. Gottman does include two other exercises with love maps, one is making your own “Love

Map Question Game” and the other “My partner’s hopes and aspirations (for self and others?) Exercise

3: “who am I?” A Questionnaire that will help guide each partner through self-exploration and shares

each partner’s exploration with each other.

GOTTMAN’S TECHNIQUE Lori Micke 2

Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

Build Love Maps: How well do you know your partner’s inner psychological world, his or her worries,

stresses, joys, and dreams?

Share Fondness and Admiration: The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the amount of

affection and respect within a relationship.

Turn Towards: State your needs, be aware of bids and turn towards them. The small moments of

everyday life are actually the building blocks of relationship.

The Positive Perspective: The Presence of positive effect in problem-solving discussions and the success

of repair attempts.

Manage Conflict: We use the term “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” conflict because relationship

conflict is natural and it has functional, positive aspects. Understand the critical difference in handling

perpetual problems and solvable problems.

Make Life Dreams Come True: Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly

about his or her dreams, values, convictions, and aspirations.

Create Shared Meaning: Understand important dreams, narratives, myths, and metaphors about your

relationship.

http://gottman.com/54756/About-Gottman-Method-couples-Therapy.html