HOW DO WE BUILD TRUST?

Which is the real smile, which is false?

A general theory of all social interaction

• If I smile at my wife and she smiles back,

I can think “What a great smile. I love her.”

Or

• I can think “That’s not a very good smile. Something is wrong. I can do better than that.”

Every social exchange in every society gets rated mentally as either POSITIVE or NEGATIVE

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How do we get humans to cooperate?

• The usual approach is to have people negotiate logically

• Each from a position of SELF INTEREST.

• Then logically find the best possible solution

• I will prove to you that this is wrong.

• And explain why it is wrong.

Let’s start with a young modern couple,

Al and Jenny

• They are about to discuss housework

• They rate four possibilities for doing housework

• Zero rating means that possibility is bad

• A rating of 10 means it is good

A young couple rates housework (0 = bad to 10 = good)

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Two “solutions” to this

• The von Neumann equilibrium: The best of the worst. Cut your losses. No clear cut solution.

• Best for Al: Jenny cleans, he doesn’t.

• Best for Jenny: Al cleans, she doesn’t.

• They fight tooth and nail.

• The Nash equilibrium: The best of the best.

• They both clean together.

• He needs to be trying to maximize both payoffs

• She needs to be maximizing both payoffs.

THEREFORE, JENNY WILL TRY TO CHANGE AL AND AL WILL TRY TO

CHANGE JENNY

• BECAUSE

• Rational thinking means maximizing self-interest, so

• Jenny & Al fight tooth and nail about housework

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THEREFORE, JENNY WILL TRY TO CHANGE AL AND AL WILL TRY TO

CHANGE JENNY

WHAT IS THE SOLUTION TO GETTING TO THE NASH EQUILIBRIUM?

DEFINE TRUST AS:

• Jenny is trying to maximize Al’s payoffs and Al is also trying to maximize Jenny’s payoffs

• Then they will each decide to clean together, logically arriving at the maximum payoff for both

• This implies compassion is the only solution 10

Only if Jenny and Al

• Negotiate with EMPATHY,

• Meaning each is also taking the other’s perspective in order to:

• Maximize the outcomes of BOTH people.

• Only then:

• Can they arrive at the Nash equilibrium, if it exists.

TRUST MEANS

• That both people are considering the needs of the other person

• Rather than just arguing for their own needs

• Therefore if each person is operating logically from the principle of maximizing self interest,

• They will never arrive at the best of the best solution.

• They will always get the best of the worst.

In marital relationships this leads to the absorbing Markov state

NEGATIVITY NEUTRAL OR POSITIVITY

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The Roach Motel Model of unhappy marriage:

“They check in but they don’t check out” They are stuck at war

• For unhappy couples negative affect is like stepping into a quicksand bog.

• Negative affect is an “absorbing state” only for unhappy couples

• Repair does not work for them! They get stuck in negativity

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The Roach Motel Model of unhappy marriage:

“They check in but they don’t check out”

(continued)

• Happily married couples are able to exit this negative state

• Because they do effective repairs like take responsibility

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BUT HOW DOES ONE BUILD TRUST? “Are you there for me?”

• Trust is built in small moments

• It is a Specific social skill

• Trust is built through “attunement”

• Which means “processing” a negative affect event

• Emotion coaching for kids

• Tested in USA, Australia, Korea. Builds trust with kids

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THE QUESTION OF TRUST OPENS UP LIKE A LARGE FAN

ARE YOU THERE FOR ME? 17

ARE YOU THERE FOR ME? CAN I TALK TO YOU?

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• Motto of every happy relationship is:

• When you are upset, the world stops and I listen

• Motto of every failed relationship:

• When you are upset, the world goes on and you are on your own

• I am too busy with life, work, children, to stop and listen to your needs

WHAT IS “ATTUNEMENT” ?

A = Awareness of your feelings and needs

T = Turning Toward

T = Tolerance

U = Understanding

N = Non-defensive Responding

E = Empathy

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IF NO ATTUNEMENT GET THE ZEIGARNIK EFFECT

What’s that?

ZEIGARNIK EFFECT: We recall unfinished events better than finished events (RATIO = 1.9, Morton Deutch).

• Reason for dreams? Process the unfinished.

• Basis of all neurosis? – Rumination of unprocessed unfinished negative affect events.

• We dwell on the negative. 20

Result?

• Without TRUST through ATTUNEMENT

We will always arrive at the BEST OF THE WORST solution

• With TRUST through ATTUNEMENT

We will always arrive at the BEST OF THE BEST solution

• THE NASH EQUILIBRIUM