THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE

WORKJohn M. Gottman, PH.D

and Nan SilverPresentation by: Paul Richardson

John Gottman and the Love Lab

Dr. John Gottman can predict a marriage’s future by watching the first 3 minutes of a conversation.

Dr. John Gottman has a 91% accuracy rate.

Data comes from the Love Lab where couples volunteer to be video taped and recorded in a fabricated apartment where the couple interacts as normally as possible.

What Are the Odds?

67 percent of first time marriages will end in divorce Half of those divorces will happen in the first seven years of marriage For 2nd marriages this number is up to ten percent higher.

People who stay married live four years longer than people who don’t.

The Six Signs of TroubleThese signs indicate your marriage may be in serious danger

Harsh Startup

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling

Flooding Body Language Failed Repair Attempts Bad Memories

1) Harsh Startup

Starting a discussion with criticism and/or sarcasm.

The most obvious indicator that the discussion and marriage will not go well.

You can predict the outcome of a conversation in the first three minutes based on the absence or presence of a harsh startup.

2) The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Criticism A complaint addresses the specific problem. Criticism is a

negative attack on a person’s character or personality.

Contempt Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering,

mockery, hostile humor, belligerence. This is the worst of the 4 Horsemen.

Defensiveness This puts blame on your partner and away from you. It will

only escalate the problem.

Stonewalling Tuning out or disengaging. Gives the message that what is

being said has no importance.

3) Flooding

Your spouse’s negativity –whether in the guise of criticism or contempt-becomes so overwhelming, and so sudden, that you are left shell-shocked.

You feel defenseless and will do anything to avoid the hostility.

The defense to feeling flooded is to disengage emotionally from the relationship.

4) Body Language

Physical signs of flooding - Increased heart rate, sweating, hormone changes and increase in blood pressure occur in arguments when someone is being flooded.

Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce because they cause severe emotional distress and the physical changes cause your body to react as if in a dangerous situation.

Your ability to process information becomes harder with these physical changes and makes solving the problem even harder.

5) Failed Repair Attempts

Efforts the couple make to decrease the tension during an argument.

Repair attempts save marriages by lowering the stress level and preventing the feeling of being flooded.

Repair attempts include humor (sticking out tongue, making a joke), laughing, smiling, apologizing, or even saying ” Stop yelling at me!”

6) Bad Memories

When couples are deeply entrenched in negativity they will rewrite their history with bad memories.

Even good memories about significant days, like the wedding, will be blotted out and only the bad memories will remain.

Secret to Marriage

After years of research, Dr. John Gottman discovered 7 principles that can save and enhance a marriage.

Dr. Gottman’s approach is to strengthen the friendship that is at the heart of every marriage.

Principle 1Enhance Your Love Maps

Emotional Intelligence- The ability to perceive, reason

with, understand, and manage emotions. Underlying Friendship-Knowing and respecting the other

person. Really truly making your spouse your best friend. Stay deeply connected- Making your spouse your

number one ally through even the biggest changes in life. This must remain even if it is your spouse going through a metamorphosis.

Details, Details, Details- It is imperative to know more than just the superficial details about your spouse. Know their friends, enemies, acquaintances, stresses, worries, hopes, dreams, fears, strengths, injuries, and who they want to become.

Principle 2Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding, long-lasting marriage

Learn from history-Retain the sense that your spouse is worthy of being respected and liked. It may help to think back to when you were dating.

Remember the Good- Putting a positive spin on your marriage’s history will likely help you to have a happier future.

The Antidote to contempt – Fondness and admiration are crucial to the friendship that is at the core to any happy marriage. This will prevent the 4 horsemen from entering the marriage.

Fan the Flames- Take time to meditate about the things that make you cherish your partner. Igniting your positive feelings for each other will strengthen your bond.

Principle 3Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

It really is the little things – Asking about their day, doing dishes together, shopping together, calling when they are having a bad day, knowing appointments and tasks, and all the everyday mundane tasks together tells your partner that you value them and all they do.

Emotional Bank Account- Doing these little things puts a cushion for when times get tough. An excess of goodwill makes allowances for each other when conflict arises.

Help Reduce Partner’s Stress - Be ready to be there when your partner has had a bad day. More importantly, be willing to listen without giving advice.

Principle 4Let Your Partner Influence You

Share the Power – In the happiest and most stable marriages, men respect their wives and do not resist sharing the power and making decisions together.

Signs of resistance – Marriages where men resist to share the power are four times more likely to end or drone on unhappily.

What husbands can learn from wives – when a husband accepts his wife’s influence this will heighten the positive in the relationship and make the first 3 principles easier to follow.

Learn to yield – Accepting influence is a skill that can be learned and the key is compromise.

The two kinds of marital conflict

Problems that can be resolved – Approach these problems and they will likely no longer interfere with your marital happiness.

Perpetual (Life-long) Problems You don’t have to resolve all your major marital problems to

be happy. Learn to live with these problems while approaching them

with good humor.

Beware of Gridlock - Spinning your wheels having the same fight for years and years.

Principle 5Solve Your Solvable Problems

Soften Your Startup

Learn to make and receive repair attempts

Soothe yourself and each other

Compromise

Be tolerant of each other’s faults

Coping with typical solvable problems

Stress Schedule formal griping sessions

In-laws Stand with your spouse

Money Itemize Manage plan

Sex Learn to talk about sex in a way that let’s you both feel safe

Housework Create a sense of fairness and teamwork when doing the chores

Becoming parents Expand your sense of “we-ness” to include your children

Principle 6Overcome Gridlock

The goal to ending gridlock is not to solve the problem but to talk about and understand it.

Support each others dreams – Learn the dream behind the action. Why does it matter so much?

Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. This can lead to a more deeply satisfying marriage.

Principle 7Create Shared Meaning

Create an atmosphere that encourages your spouse to talk honestly about their convictions.

Create informal rituals – Eating dinner together, going to church, have game nights, Thanksgiving at a certain relatives.

Have similar views on parenting. Find your own deep spiritual goals and share

them with your spouse. Surround yourselves with symbols that

represent your shared values and beliefs.

Source

Gottman, John M. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999.