Confident Conversations — Preparing Managers for Difficult Conversations – Accelerator Page 2 of 5 Tips for Caring for Yourself and Others © 2016-2018 1st Call Consulting P/L T/A Cohesive Conversations

Guide to Caring for yourself and others Before, during & after a difficult conversation.

Note: The information here is not advice!

Every situation is unique and must be viewed and handled based on the circumstance of that situation, your company’s policies and the applicable legislation and laws.

You should use the following as a guide only.

The following guide is from Confident Conversations ® Preparing manager for difficult conversations course.

Introduction As a manager you will have difficult conversations. Sometimes they are just part of the job. Then again, managing people can be challenging, some more so than others. It is essential to self-monitor as you undertake any difficult conversation or intervention. It's not possible to support, guide or coach others if you don't also look after yourself.

It’s important to understand what self-care is. We tend to spend more time worrying about what we have to do and the other person’s reaction, that we almost forget we’re allowed to care for ourselves, which is essential to do.

Common ground There are two main problems when you need to have difficult conversations; a) Most managers don't like conducting the conversations and b) most employees don't want to hear it. You have common ground here but it is not comfortable.

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Design your success Successful self-care comes when you have the right combination of strategies in place and the knowledge to know what to focus on at the right time. The following are a few strategies you can tap into at different stages of the conversation.

Before the conversation

Support networks - Calling on your support network, such as other managers or peers, is an important part of self-care. Don’t hold back from seeking advice and support from others.

Management support – Understanding the level of support that is provided to you by your organisation is essential. Is there limited support so you are more or less on your own? Or do you have a strong support culture that has your back. Understanding this assists your preparation and can influence the style of conversation you have. For example, if you do not feel you have a lot of support you might opt in for a gentler, encouraging “coaching for change” style of conversation as opposed to considering or commencing a more formal “performance management conversation”.

Develop your skills - Work through the Confident Conversations® Accelerator course to develop the skills you need. Focus on the areas you are most concerned about.

Plan – Planning your conversation and crafting your key messages are essential to building your confidence and effectiveness. I am not talking about the extravert personality type confidence. I am talking about the confidence that comes from knowing you have taken a considered, well rounded approach to the conversation. That you have thought through strategies for moments such as keeping focused (yourself and others) and knowing how to manage inappropriate behaviours.

Elevate - If you need to. That could be the right option. However, the purpose of my Confident Conversations® accelerator course is to give you the confidence to know you are well prepared and armed with the right strategies.

Practice, practice, practice – It is important to hear the words come out of your own mouth, what they sound like and feel like. It will probably never feel comfortable, but if you practice the words won’t sound foreign to you as you say them in the actual conversation.

During the conversation

Use supporting notes – If the conversation is going to be better for you to have some supporting notes, then use them! You can simply say, “I have notes so I don’t miss anything important” or ”I just want to check my notes, one moment please”. You are leading the conversation. I like to say “your conversation, your rules”!

Use pauses – Give yourself permission to use pauses, whether it is to listen to the other person, or to give them time to think or for you to think or check your notes. Pauses are your friend.

Reinforce boundaries – Easier said than done, however if you do reinforce boundaries it makes the conversation so much easier. (By boundaries I mean things like, sticking to the purpose of the conversation and bringing the other person back if they head off on a tangent).

Monitor, yourself and the others – Pay attention to how:

You are feeling - Are you going OK, is your anxiety / stress manageable, are you able to say what you need to say without reacting to the other person?

Are they going OK – Are they being a proactive part of the conversation? Are they listening? Is the conversation progressing in a constructive and focused manner?

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Give yourself permission to exit – If the conversation is not progressing constructively (for example, becoming heated or simply going around in circles), give yourself permission to exit. Know how to politely and professionally exit so that you leave everybody’s reputations intact. Reschedule for another day if you need to.

After the conversation

Debrief – After the conversation, it is easy for your inner voice to jump into overdrive saying things like, “If only I had said this”, or “I cannot believe they said that” etc. These voices left unchecked have the potential to impact your confidence as well as your recollection accuracy of the conversation. Debrief with someone, talk about what worked well, as well as what did not and what you have learnt for next time.

File note – Make a file note! I cannot emphases how important this. If the situation deteriorates and you have a file note, you are not having to dig through your files or try and remember what occurred and what you said. If your company does not have a file note available, go to my Cohesive Conversations Professional Development Portal, Free Resources and down load mine.

The motivation challenge

No matter how prepared and practiced you are it can still be hard to get motivated.

Motivation comes from a number of places. Your personal confidence as well as the support you feel in the process.

How motivated you are to take action in a timely manner will depend on whether you believe that you:

• Have the authority and autonomy to discuss the issue • Have the skills to conduct the conversation • Feel as if you are supported / trusted

If you believe you don’t have the authority and autonomy then you ask should yourself “should I have this conversation?” Avoidance may become your primary strategy.

If you believe you don’t have the skills to conduct the conversation then you should ask yourself “Can I have the conversation”? As your anxiety levels rise you will at best delay if not avoid the conversation.

If you believe you are not supported by your manager and/or organization, chances are you will probably have a token conversation to demonstrate you did your job but won’t do much more for fear of complaint and getting a backlash from higher up in the organisation.

Unfortunately, this situation happens too often.

Self-care for your employees

Being involved in difficult conversations requires courage.

Remember, as a recipient it is common when stressed (and difficult conversations are stressful) that our defences automatically react and our concerns kick in before we finish hearing what is being said. This is likely to happen to the employee that you’re having the difficult conversation with. You will have had time to prepare and build your courage. They may not.

Self-care for your employee

You need to encourage your employee to share their view, give them the chance to provide background information, discuss their needs and encourage them to be a constructive part of the solution.

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Let them know they can take a break if they need to and that they can take some time to work out what they want to say. Getting them to write it down and collect their thoughts is a good strategy for helping the conversation reach a quick resolution, even if you need to reschedule the rest of the conversation to another time.

You should also offer them additional support if it’s appropriate or required. They may wish to have a peer with them during the conversation or you may be able to refer them to an Employee Assist Program that can offer them guidance and support.

If you do nothing else do these three things

This care for self and others guide has given you a lot to consider. It is a brief insight into my Confident Conversations® course where we dive deeper to truly bring the best you to the conversation each time.

If you do nothing else do these three things:

# 1 – Be clear on your purpose and key messages

# 2 – Practice coming back to the purpose

# 3 – Have your exit strategy ready (this requires giving yourself permission to exit)

Reschedule if need be.

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