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GuiltWorking-mom guilt can be hard to shake, but knowing that you’re not alone, and taking some cues from those guilt-free men, can actually help you find peace of mind.

BY ILISA COHEN

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After an endless conference call, Michelle Dubanowski hopped in the car to pick up her pre-schooler, Michael, from his half-day morning session. As she approached the Sleepy Hollow, IL, school, her heart lurched at the sight of a crowd of moms and dads milling around. What were they all doing there hanging out and socializing? Then it hit her: She’d just missed her son’s graduation ceremony. Spotting Michael’s teacher, Michelle sheepishly made the excuse that she hadn’t been able to leave work. The truth was too embarrassing. With a 3-month-old baby at home and a full plate at the office, Michelle had completely forgotten. Three years later, the guilt of that memory still haunts her.

All working moms have guilt war stories. We cringe when we remember the time we blanked on a basketball game, faked our way through a meeting after staying up all night with a sick infant or slid behind our desk as unobtrusively as possible after arriving late to work—again—because we couldn’t help locate the lost homework assignment. Sure, the dictionary defines guilt as a feeling of remorse for an offense, whether real or imag-ined. But working mothers know it’s so much more pervasive than that: It’s how we feel far too often when we’re caught in too many “damned if we do and damned if we don’t” scenarios. It can feel inescapable.

Much as we hate it, though, guilt is what keeps us human, says Dana Dorfman, PhD, a psychologist in New York City. “After all, a person without guilt is a sociopath,” she says. “But the danger is that an overdose of guilt

can be a complete waste of time and energy, especially if it traps you in a negative cycle of thoughts.” With that in mind, we went on an exploratory mission, the theory being that if we examine the anatomy of guilt, if we break it down and wrestle it to the ground, we might be able to keep it in check. We talked to experts about why guilt seems to be a working mom’s go-to emotion, how it harms our health, what we can do to keep it from making us lose sleep at night—and why men so often seem to be immune. You’ll never look at guilt the same way again.

Born into itGuilt connects women in all walks of life, from movie stars and mathematicians to models and mechanics. We feel guilty about balancing our careers and families; we beat ourselves up over how we look, what we eat, what we do or

don’t do as girlfriends, daughters, wives. In fact, a poll on WorkingMother.com revealed that 57 percent of respondents feel guilty every single day, while 31 percent feel guilty at least once a week.

Why do working mothers appear to be preprogrammed for guilt? “We get the mes-sage all the time that we’re supposed to be stay-at-home moms or, if we work, that we’re supposed to be amazing supermoms on top of our careers,” says Nicole Else-Quest, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at Villanova University in Pennsylvania. As unrealistic as those expectations are, we internalize them from a young age and then feel pressure. We question our competence, she says, adding:

Food, love, career and mothers,

the four major guilt groups.

� —Cathy�Guisewite,�creator��of�the�comic�strip�“Cathy”

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“Working moms feel torn. There are so many things to do, so many obligations. We walk around wondering, How do I do everything and do everything well?”

The inner conflict about not being everything to every-one isn’t the only guilt trigger at play. We’re also f looded with conflicting messages in the media about what’s healthy for our families and what isn’t. Devra Renner and Aviva Pf lock, coauthors of Mommy Guilt, call this “paralysis by

analysis” because there’s so much conflict-ing research. It causes us to constantly second-guess our choices.

Plus, our peers stand in judgment. Perhaps wrestling with their own guilty demons, they’re quick to question—as in “You’re really going to Bed Bath & Beyond after work? Shouldn’t you be going home to your child?” says Dr. Dorfman. We want to have the self-confidence to say, “I really need a shower curtain.” But we’re too busy wondering if they’re right, she

says. Then there are our own mothers. Jewish-mom guilt. Catholic-mom guilt. In psychological warfare, guilt is an effective weapon, and moms throughout history have wielded it effectively. We hear the catchphrases “I raised you better than that” or “I’m not angry, just disappointed” practically from diapers through diplomas—and beyond.

GettinG over itWhile it may be our proprietary feeling, guilt isn’t inescap-able. Breaking free from useless remorse isn’t only possible, it’s probable with this five-step program.

Decide if it’s legit.Ask yourself if you’ve actually done some-thing you regret, recommends Keith Ablow, founder of the self-help network The Living Truth. Are you feeling real guilt or referred guilt? If you’ve actually chosen to work late

to impress your boss rather than tend to your sick child, that’s real guilt. If your guilt is coming from somewhere else—like the Stepford mom down the street who wonders why you’re not volunteering for her tree-planting commit-tee—that’s referred guilt. Acknowledge that it’s coming from someone else and you’re doing the best you can, then let it go. “I used to let a neighborhood mom talk me into signing up for every swim lesson and pottery-making class available for my preschooler,” says Jessica Winter, a Closter, NJ, mom of two. “Then I’d spend Saturdays freaking out about all the work I had to get done and couldn’t because I was watching Max make a clay bowl. Now, I pick one activity that my kid actually enjoys and take a pass on the peer pressure.”

spin guilt into a positive action.Missed your child’s piano recital because you were stuck at the office? Figure out how to do better next time. Michelle started keeping a calendar after forgetting her son’s gradua-tion. At the start of the school year, she logs

big family events as appointments on her Outlook calendar at work to make sure there are no important conflicts before she makes any work commitments. Renner calls this “checks and balances guilt”; it reminds you to reassess your priorities so you can pick and choose your commitments.

My son’s lunch came from the mcdonald’s drive-through b/c his was left at home & i needed to get on a call. Bad mommy! � —@scarymommy�via�Twitter

i was on my way to catch the last flight to austin, tX, when i got a call from the school nurse that my 9-year-old son had banged his head during recess, was bleeding profusely and needed to go to the hospital. i couldn’t miss this meeting, so i caught my flight. the school nurse

called an ambulance, and my husband was called out of his meeting to head to the emergency room. my son needed three staples in his head to close the gash. i felt horribly guilty. But he was okay with it because they had Xbox in the Er.

—Pamela�Federbusch,��Westfield,�NJ,�via�email

During my first week back at work when my daughter was 3 months old, i had to travel for a sales conference. my husband called saying he

thought they were running low on breast milk, so i rode around for three hours in a cab, trying to find a store that sold dry ice so i could ship my milk home. i ended up with tears streaming down my face because i couldn’t find one. luckily, there was enough saved breast milk at home after all.

—Kelley�Shirazi,��Beaverton,�OH,�via�email

snuck out this a.m. as my almost 3yo was starting to stir. felt like a stealth ninja tiptoeing

past his room. Success …—@rachelceck�via�Twitter

when my son was 6 years old, i was at a work meeting that ran overtime. then i hit horrible traffic on the way to pick him up from school. By the time i got there, he was the last child left. the disap-pointed look on his face still brings tears to my eyes. i have taken Wednesdays off before thanksgiving ever since.

—Becky�Yano,��Los�Angeles,�via�email

TruE ConFEssions our readers tweeted and emailed hundreds of their most embarrassing guilty-mom war stories, reminding us all that we aren’t always perfect, and don’t need to be.

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Show me a woman who

doesn’t feel guilt, and I’ll show

you a man.

—Erica�Jong,�author

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Brain Often a trigger of anxiety or depression, guilt can negatively affect your mental health, stability, focus and decision-making abilities.

sleep Guilt can affect sleep in extreme ways, whether making it difficult to fall asleep because you can’t decompress from your conflicted thoughts or causing you to oversleep as an escape.

Weight Do you overeat or starve yourself when you’re stressed? Guilt tends to exacerbate those coping mechanisms.Digestion

The tension that comes with guilt can have a snowball effect, leading to problems with digestion, blood pressure and headaches.

guilT MakEs You siCk more reason to let it go: guilt can take a toll on your health.

guYs & guilT hoping to understand how working dads sideline guilt, we asked for their reactions to typical guilt-inducing situations that moms so often face. here’s the takeaway from the boys.

The situation after a call from the principal’s office, you learn that your daughter has been acting up in class. could it be that you’re spending too much time at the office?

Dad’s Take Why would i assume it has anything to do with my working? When my teenager starts acting out at school, i sit her down for a talk. neither of us gets up until i understand what the problem is. then i ask her mom how we should fix it.

—Ed�Reiper,� fireman,�Apex,�NC�

The situation after a butt-kick-ing week at work, you crave sleep, but your partner is feeling sexy.

Dad’s Take if i am exhausted and my wife wants to be intimate, then i instantly want to be intimate, too. i am still in disbelief that she finds me that attractive!

—Jay�Mohr,�comedian�and��star�of�gary unmarried

The situation you have plans to go out with friends, but the kids are crying, “don’t go!”

Dad’s Take one night, when i was on my way out the door to see Avatar with the fellas, my 5- and 7-year-olds were weepy, begging me to stay. initially, i felt a tinge of pain, but just as strongly, i felt annoyed. it’s not easy to leave a child crying, but i remind myself that saying good-bye is part of life they have to learn.

—John Badalament, author of The Modern Dad’s Dilemma

Forgive yourself, but don’t forget. Life is all about choices. Sometimes we make a bad call, and that’s okay. We’re human. But there’s no reason to obsess over your mistake. “Mentally letting yourself off the hook and resolving not to have a repeat episode can lessen anxiety and make you feel more in control of the situation,” says Dr. Dorfman. And we do get second

chances, as Sadie Lewis, a New York City fashion designer and mom of two, discovered. “When my son was two years old, our babysitter called me at work to say he was sick, so I met them at the pediatrician’s office,” she recalls. “It was nothing serious. But when I said goodbye to head back to the office, my son started wailing for me to stay. I can still hear him crying, ‘Don’t go, Mommy,’ as he sped away in a car with his babysitter. Needless to say, since then, I’ve stayed with him whenever he doesn’t feel well.”

set priorities. We’re pulled in dozens of directions, and it seems like no choice comes guilt-free. When you’re working, you feel like you’re neglecting domestic duties, and when you’re spending time with your family, you feel like you should be prepping for that conference call. Even when you’re squeezing in a quick workout, it’s hard to let go of the

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ThE lEss guilTY sExyou’d feel like a failure for forgetting to pack your child’s snack, but your husband would just shrug and say whoops. it can be maddening. a recent study in the Spanish�Journal�of�Psychology showed that men, in general, feel much less guilt than women do. Why?

Men name specific emotions to apply to different situations, says Mommy�Guilt coauthor aviva pflock. But moms tend to use guilt as a catchall when having frustrations with parenting. men might say they feel angry that they can’t attend their child’s school performance, but they’re not as likely to feel guilty.

societal expectations of what a mom is supposed to be haven’t evolved since women have entered the workforce. We used to be expected to excel as moms. now we’re expected to excel both as mothers and as career women. men traditionally were socialized to be breadwinners and excel at bringing home a paycheck. dads are taking on greater responsibilities at home, but the expectation to excel in both roles isn’t as intense for men, says dr. nicole Else-Quest.

Today men are much more involved in their kids’ lives than their own fathers were, so they look good by comparison. But working moms feel they can’t possibly do as much as (and certainly not more than) mothers did in the past. Still, there’s no gain in trying to make dads feel more guilt. instead, moms could learn a thing or two by taking a page from dad’s playbook.

seek and give support. Feeling a sense of community with other working moms can help you recognize that you’re not experiencing a personal failure and you’re not the only one struggling, says Dr. Else-Quest. Something as simple as post-

ing a guilty confession on your blog will probably inspire empathizers to offer encouragement or their own guilty moments. Stephanie Dolgoff, a New York City mom of 7-year-old twins, often uses her Facebook status to post “Low Moments in Parenting.” Recently, she wrote, “I used a panty liner to wipe Vivian’s nose because that’s all I had. At least it was clean!” This inspired her friends to contribute their own mom confessions, and they ended up with a list they can giggle about.

The good news for Michelle Dubanowski—and all guilt-ridden working moms—is that her son doesn’t even remem-ber that his mom wasn’t at his pre-K graduation. It didn’t actually scar him for life. Though Michelle still winces at the memory, “I’m not letting it scar me for life, either,” she says with a laugh.

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pressure to play hide-and-seek with your toddler. Set a priority and give yourself a certain amount of time to focus on the task with-out worrying about other obli-gations. “You have to learn to let go of unrealistic expectations,” says Dr. Else-Quest. “We’ve been trained to believe that if we’re not with our kids 24/7 they’re being deprived of eternal love. That’s just not the case.” It isn’t an easy lesson. “I remember look-ing on with env y as a mom at the town pool swam laps while her toddler called out for his

mommy,” says Elise Stanford, a mom of two in Avon, NJ, who works in PR. “Her mom was watching her son. So I wondered, Why am I so willing to skip a workout because my child wants me? Now I make it a priority to exercise. It doesn’t hurt my son to be without me for thirty minutes, and it saves my sanity.”

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I don’t believe in guilt. Live on impulse as long

as you never intentionally hurt

another person. You should live

completely free.

� —Angelina�Jolie,�actress

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