guui april 2011

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GUUi

news | music | lm | culture | opinion

Issue 18 April 2011

Floating

Poetry

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Editor’s Note

Welcome to the rst edition of GUUi with

myself as editor. It’s a cracker.

A few highlights include a polarised piece on

the controversial goings-on down Hetherington

House; an extract of beautiful bards as featured

on the front-page; and an expansion of our cul-

tural content. There’s enough jam packed into

this literary sandwich to keep you dear readers

fullled for the long library month ahead.

And I’m sure it’ll be an exciting month. Per-

haps we’ll fail our exams and be forced to seek

invisible employment forevermore. Maybethis new war will end. Page 8 could become

an eternal momento to that short lived ‘Gadaf

square go’. Perhaps the Scottish Elections will

catch re on May the 5th - either physically or

metaphorically. As it’s either more Big Alec

SNP Salmond or ma da’ Iain very Gray for the

next ve years, I doubt it. Then again I’m no

Nostradamus.

Enjoy the issue and if you fancy ‘yirsel’ a jour-

nalist, apply via the Union to write, photographor illustrate: we’re looking for new folk!

Michael Gray

Who did this?

Editor: Michael Gray

Journalists: Joe Fitzgibbon; Francesca Ruddy; Hollie Jones;Cameron Greig; Nicola Armstrong; Gregor Muir

Photography: Henar Gomez

Guests: David Tait; Thomas Cole; Emily Grenfell; Poets

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Film - Sucker Punch and Red Riding Hood

Music - Lightening up Rebecca Black

Artist of the Edition - Emily Grenfell Imagery

Cultural Column - Ralph Ellison and Sights

contents

The Board - Helen Dennison says a few words.

What’s On - Glasgow and the GUU this month.

Head to Head - On the Hetherington Drama

Current Affairs - The European Debt Crisis

Current Affairs - The Limits of the Libyan War

News

Feature: A Blast of Student Poetry

Culture

Opinion

Comment - Crazy Games and Comedy

Column - Gregor Muir on Getting Dirty

Sports Page - GUSA: Glasgow Champions

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GUUi: Voted Glasgow University’s most trusted news publication

Contributions? Writing, photography and artwork ispublished via [email protected]

Warning.The opinions expressed in this publicationdo not represent those of the GlasgowUniversity Union.

Union Noticeboard

• The second President’s Questions is on t he 21st of April , 4pm, in the Chamber.

• Application forms for Freshers’ Helpers are due in by the 22nd of April at the

porter’s box.

• Application forms for Libraries Committee are due in by the 25th of April at

the porter’s box.

• 10 Hour Beach Hive will t ake place on the 20th of May.

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Hello and welcome to the rst edition of the GUUi from the brand new Board of Management 2011/12! A special

welcome to our new Libraries Convener, Michael Gray Esquire who will be taking the helm of the ne ship GUUi,

and steering through the rough seas of publication and… I’m failing on the ship metaphor, aren’t I?

My name is Helen Dennison, and I’m the Assistant Honorary Secretary of the Grand Old Union. I’m often seen kick-ing about the building, wearing no shoes and bringing some pink into the Executive Ofce (the nerve centre of the

Union, where myself, the Honorary Secretary and the President can usually be found – feel free to pop by if you have

anything you need to ask us!). A lot of my job is to make GUU’s facilities available for the University’s many clubs

and societies through afliation, to save you guys money without missing out on any (pints of) fun! So if you’re on

the committee of any societies or sports clubs, don’t hesitate to drop me a line at [email protected] – I don’t bite,

promise! All requests welcome, however weird or wonderful.

So now that shameless plug is over, I get down to expressing how very very foot-tappingly, dgetingly, nding-

it-impossible-to-concentrate-ing-ly (?) excited I am for a certain 10 day extravaganza that is creeping ever closer…

Freshers’ Week 2011!!! A week of bouncing around campus in a GUU t-shirt, showing the Freshers that Glasgow

REALLY know how to party and that at GUU “WE HAVE MORE FUN THAN YOU!”. The best start to the academicyear. Bar none.

If you want to add your dulcet tones to the chorus of “It was always GUU, always… and forever!” there’s only one

thing to be doing before April 22nd – get yourself a Freshers’ Helper Application form from the Porter’s Box in the

Grand Old Union, and show us why you’d be the best person to give the new students a week to remember.

What are you waiting for???

Helen DennisonAssistant Honorary Secretary

Glasgow University Union

The Board

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Glasgow - the dear green place. It comes alive in spring. At least that’s how it appears from Level 10 or the window

of the Bridie Library. If you do have any spare time to enjoy the greatest city in the history of civilisation and meat

pies here’s some places to start.

In that spirit of Easter here’s a sight that may catch your attention: on the 24th of April is the Yorkhill Easter Egg run. Soundsfun. Sadly you need a motorbike. It’s a procession of thousands of bikers through the West End culminating at Yorkhill Hos-

pital for charity. Pretty nice. Keep your eyes peeled or cycle along.

Then there’s the day the country has been waiting for: the 29th of April. It’s going to be emotional. Bracket are playing in

Scotland for the rst time. It’s bound to be a royal performance and a historic ocassion for the R ‘n B stylists from Lagos. If

that’s not your thing Open Mic is still on at the GUU. No matter what the TV says, the world will continue as usual on April’s

nal Friday.

What’s On

Classes may have ended, but the Union never stops. After the Easter recess it’ll be a relief to get back into procrastinat-

ing at the Library and making the most of the social, student sanctum that is the Grand Old Union. HIVE Thursdays

are back to lighten up your life; as is Speaker Training on Tuesdays for Debaters; and Open Mic for the lovers of ne

melody on Fridays.

It’s a well known fact that the exam diet can cause stress. So take a break and sip away the worry in the Billards Hall or by

grabbing at pint in the Beer Bar. Both Bar and Billards have missed you; and I’m sure you’ve missed them in return. Turn up

on Wednesday at seven and your relaxation may give way to a competitive urge. The GUU’s snooker and poker events are

back with a vengeance, and if you can’t ‘win’ an exam you may as well succeed in some other fun form.

Yet if these regular passings of life do not quite bet your expectations of late April free time, there are a few specials on themenu. The 21st of April witnesses the latest ‘President’s Questions’; and the 27th features a star-studded political line-up in

the GUU’s very own Scottish Election Hustings. Entertainment comes in many forms, as they say.

Although if you really are frantically busy, and dreams of days at the Union are merely a May aspiration, apply to be a Fresh-

ers’ Helper or to write for this very magazine! It’s now or never. In a crammed month, there’s much to look forward to at the

GUU.

This month at the GUU

This month in Glasgow

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Virtue

This is only my perspective on what The Free Hether-

ington is, and I will repeat the message: the best way

to get a true impression is to visit. Here is my sum-

mary: it is a re-opened space at 13 University Gardens that

has been serving coffee and creating an amount of contro-

versy on campus for the past two months. It is populated by

people looking for somewhere to sit without being sold any-

thing, somewhere quiet to work on dissertation or do some

reading, and to nd out about cuts to their courses, their jobs,

their services. The more ‘permanent’ members (they change

constantly) are a loose collection of political, active, individu-

als. Their level of previous involvement ranges from sending

stern emails, going on marches, lobbying MPs, to shutting

down polluters. From the beginning there has been no domi-

nant group, but many voices, many disagreements, many

tactics, and many misrepresentations from both inside and

outside. The people there are dedicated and hardworking,

they make jokes, sometimes they aren’t funny. The food they

cook is vegan, yes (because anyone can eat vegan food). Pea-

nuts are banned (because someone is very allergic). We have

a medic on duty at all times. Sometimes we make mistakes,

some of what we do looks strange from the outside.

‘a diverse group’

Events are run by people who request to use the space - with

guest lectures on subjects from Post-Keynsian economics to

knitting – and people enjoy them, nd them educational, andno one needs to pass an exam afterwards. We argue about

whether Cosmopolitan is a factor in the continuing sexual

inequality in this country. We make banners and placards,

and helped co-ordinate a march when the Herald revealed

cuts that will change the nature of the University of Glasgow,

and the West of Scotland, forever. We continue to be a space

against cuts to education, public services and welfare.

Some people here remember the 2003 protests against the Iraq

War – and that however good it felt to go on them, the warstill happened, and a million people are dead. Some students

here voted Liberal Democrat, only to have that party turn its

face against them. Some vote Labour, only to see them begin

the process of privatistion. Some people believed the Con-

servatives when they said they were ‘the party of the NHS’.

Some people here are disgusted that the promises made to

the people of this country after the Second World War are

being broken. The NHS, the Welfare State, the forests; the

Westminster government insists they must be dismantled

or sold, and that there is no alternative. None of these things

were in any manifesto at the last election. Some people are

simply confused about how, if there is no money left, the

bankers seem to get so much. Some people are sick of vot-

ing every 5 years and seeing nothing change.

‘beyond Iraq, beyond parties and for the Welfare State’

So, the Hetherington exists, and the majority of those who

have visited have commented on how refreshing it is, how

collegial, how discursive. The media has focused on thecontroversies (NUS President Aaron Porter, David Newall’s

misrepresentation of events, a drunk off the street attacking

a member of security, someone stealing our banner). And

those events are interesting and problematic, in terms of a

passing controversy. But, if I make one prediction, it will be

that all this will seem very small next year.

‘a wider context’

That’s when the £3million of cuts at Glasgow University in2011 will be joined by £10million more in 2012. There is no

fat to trim as it is, so more departments will close. When

hospitals begin to run out of money, libraries continue to

close, schools move to a 4 day week. When some Universi-

ties go bust and have to shut their doors. The Free Hether-

ington won’t solve these problems – they are too big – but

neither is it simply a protest against them. It is an attempt to

be active in resisting those that would take something from

you. Whatever the occupation becomes, there will still be

people – more of them now than before – looking and ght-ing for an alternative. - Thomas Cole

The Two FacesThomas Cole: A Place of Promise

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Vice

The illegal seizure of Hetherington Reaserch Club by

a group, including violent extremists, some of whom

are not even students at the University, has generated

considerable opposition on campus. This is despite most peo-

ple agreeing that the proposed cuts at the University have to

be opposed. It is clear that it is not the cause which repels

potential supporters.

Rather the form which this protest takes renders it not only

unsupportable but actively harmful to political discourse

on campus and alienates it from the rest of the Community.

Much of this stems from the narrative which the most aggres-

sive of the protesters have crafted around their actions. The

best form of defence being attack, when challenged by their

critics over the merits of breaking into a University build-

ing, they have responded (amongst other justications) by

comparing the occupation to the actions of the Suffragettes

and ANC. The ofcial blog has published articles extollingthe opinion that this is a stand against globalisation and neo-

liberalism.

‘illegal and illegitimate’

This grand narrative, this highly charged political discourse

is a form of moral absolutism. For the occupiers the debate

regarding fees is but the most immediate symptom of a glo-

balised form of repression which renders conventional av-

enues of debate unacceptable. Breaches of the law are justi-ed, it being illegitimate by the relativistic standards of the

occupiers. This spiral of illegality, from the original seizing

of the building through to the assaulting of the President of

the NUS on campus is demonstrative of the inevitable conse-

quences of such an illegitimate foundation. The Occupation

based on a refutation of legal and social conventions is a cata-

lyst for further negative action.

This is most vividly demonstrated by the responses of op-

ponents to the Occupation. By rejecting the restrictions of the law, the occupiers also jettison its protections. Opponents

justify themselves by a form of quasi-vigilantism, in stealing

from and attacking the occupation. This is illustrative of the

great problem with such forms of civil disobedience- they

cannot be universalised and thus as Kant suggests they can-

not be regarded as moral. Within the context of a democratic

society with strong alternative methods for engendering

change the result of such actions is not the anarchistic self-

regulation envisioned. Rather it is chaos in which various

groups forcibly impose their views on each other. In our own

microcosm, our university campus, the effects of this have

been all too clear, a spiralling of conict between groups.

‘chaotic civil disobedience creates confict’

This can be averted by the reassertion of social and legal con-

ventions, by the taking of collective responsibility. Yet this

has been notable in its absence within the Occupation. There

was no repudiation of the actions of the most extreme occu-

piers in attacking and terrorising Aaron Porter, no sanction.Instead it was proclaimed that this is the work of entirely

autonomous individuals for whom they are not responsible.

Again within our complex society that lack of social responsi-

bility has been rejected. We’ve recognised in law that groups

can and are liable for the actions of their members. When you

step forward proclaiming yourself as a group and ground

the legitimacy of your actions in that self-selecting dynamic

(as the occupiers have) then the group is required to at least

self-police. Instead by their silence they condoned the sort of

behaviour more usually expected from the most repugnantelements of the far right.

unaccountability and self-indulgence

The reality of this occupation is that a self appointed group

has forcibly taken power for themselves, decrying the stand-

ards of society as insufcient and exempted themselves from

any obligation other than to their own consciences. It is this

lack of accountability and intellectual self-indulgence which

fatally undermines the relationship between the ordinaryperson on campus and the occupation. - David Tait.

Minority dissatisfaction, to David Tait

of the Hetherington

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Europe

Lisbon Lethargy

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Portugal has become the most recent victim of the Eu-

ropean debt crisis as its Prime Minister last week an-

nounced that its coffers were empty. It joins Greece

and Ireland in asking the European Union for nancial assist-

ance, a worrying sign for the nancial health of Europe. The

now interdependent European states look towards each other

for nancial support in a climate that cannot afford to let theweak sink and the strong prosper. The Eurozone has proven

its weakness in times of trouble on a scale that, for the Brit-

ish at least, harks back to “Black Wednesday” and the failing

of the Exchange Rate Mechanism. What sets this new debt

crisis apart is that each failed state will have to be bailed out.

This will be achieved by either using the European Financial

Stability Facility, worth up to 440 bn euros or the dwindling

European Financial Stabilisation Mechanism with only 37.5

bn euros following Ireland’s bail out.

Like many of the failing European states, Portugal has be-

come subject not to high boom and bust periods but a steady

decline in competitiveness. High government spending on

developments such as infrastructure has sought to enhance

competitiveness while leaving the government with a great

volume of debt which has become increasingly difcult to -

nance. It was as a last resort that Prime Minister Jose Socrates

admitted that Portugal nally needed to be bailed out.

Unlike Ireland both Greece and Italy have faced bankruptcy

before and have both recovered. The tried and tested re-

sponse is to default, then reschedule debt by reducing in-

terest payments and extending maturities while the natural

depreciation of the currency allows for the economy to once

again become competitive. What differentiates this is the

absolute determination in Brussels and Frankfurt that noEuro zone country should default. The reasons behind this

are relatively straightforward in that any default on pay-

ment would lead to the exposure of Europe’s major banks to

the sovereign debt of these troubled countries. This would

lead to the realisation of the true extent of the debt, casting

Europe into an even greater recession.

This now leaves many European countries that are less se-

verely affected by the recession in a difcult position. Many

European leaders have been quick to respond to Portugal’spleas for assistance, keen to reassure their own elector-

ate that this will have little to no impact on their domestic

economy. Angela Merkel, the German chancellor has dis-

honestly assured German voters that a Portuguese bailout

will not cost them a single Euro. Both Germany and the UK

as major stakeholders in the European Union will have to

quickly realise that this situation affects every one of us.

Britain will now look towards George Osborne to protect

the country against the catastrophe that now hangs overmainland Europe. Despite gaining a credible reputation for

his realignment of the treasury and his implementation of

a credible plan to tackle the UK’s decit, he is in danger of

throwing away his strong start to his tenure with a weak

response to his rst nancial crisis as Chancellor.

- Joe Fitzgibbon

European Debt in Perspective

Can Europe handle the currency strain?

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Against the bloodied backdrop of the recent Arab

uprisings; the terms ‘freedom’ and ‘protest’ are

charged with images of starving civilians, battered

and blighted, yet quietly determined to overthrow their op-

pressors. Plagued with these scenes; the Western conscience

considers its moral debt to the Libyans, whose dictator it fa-

mously helped to arm. In response: a no-y zone is estab-lished. But the righteous zeal of the coalition crusade sounds

tinny in the ears of the troops still grafting, understaffed and

under-resourced, in Afghanistan. The stay-at-home scep-

tics, too, question the deployment of Tornado jets to police

Libyan skies, when the British Defence budget is set for a

squeeze. Why there? Why now? And then, the recalcitrant

question: oil.

Other, more spurious motives aside; there is a valid justica-

tion to be found for intervention in Libya. In a state wherecivilians are not citizens but subjects, without any stake in

the regime that represses them, the sovereignty of the peo-

ple is not vested in that ruling regime. Particularly in Libya,

where Gadda’s military might is an insurmountable barrier

to any manifestation of discontent or opposition to present

governance, the people cannot self-determine. By interven-

ing to level the playing elds, this inordinate hurdle can be

demolished; allowing ordinary Libyans a fairer ght against

the established order.

The restraint shown, thus far, by the coalition forces must

continue. Further encroachment, as the annals of history

must remind us, will be characterised as a Western imposi-

tion. Already, the Arab League has expressed its unease after

initial cries for help. With ever-shifting dynamics, the powers

that be in the region cannot be relied on to provide constant

support for Western involvement.

More essentially, the very crux of ‘self’-determination is

that it is achieved organically. Articial direction necessarily

chokes it off. To remain justiable, then, Western interven-

tion must allow the uprisings freedom to fail. The protesters

comprise many disparate groups, underscored by tribal and

religious divides. If these groups are united only for the mo-

ment by their shared grievances, without shared goals for

the future; failure must inevitably ensue. To propel one of

these groups into power ahead of another is to condemn the

beleaguered nation to a future of inghting and prolonged

instability.

But how long can we count on the West to temper its gun-

toting tendencies? Already, whispers of ‘mission creep’ are

reaching the press. For, as the loyalist forces change tactics,

so too must the coalition. Embedding themselves in civilian

territories, Gadda’s troops have forced the West to make

tough choices. NATO’s rst rebel casualties point to the con-

fusion that now reigns over the mission.

“If it is so morally repugnant to stand aside and

watch Gaddhaf persecute his people, why is it notso repugnant to let President Ali Abdullah Saleh

continue unabated in Yemen? Why is it not imper-

ative to stop the bloodshed in Bahrain?”

Whatever the outcome, such political manoeuvring by the

coalition’s key players does little to ease concerns that the

intervention is founded on shadier motivations. With simi-

larly heinous oppression reigning in Yemen and, now, Syria;

the particular exigency for involvement in Libya is hard to

determine. If it is so morally repugnant to stand aside and

watch Gaddha persecute his people, why is it not so repug-

nant to let President Ali Abdullah Saleh continue unabated

in Yemen? Why is it not imperative to stop the bloodshed in

Bahrain? Such moral “double standards” (as they have been

dubbed by George Galloway) risk discrediting any good be-

ing done in Libya.

Perhaps it is too late to avoid the catcalls of ‘moral hypoc-

risy’; but it is not too late to do some good in Libya. We are

now invested in the struggle, whether for right or for wrong.

Let us not damage its progress by wading in too far. We must

remain, as long as and to the extent that we are required- and

no more. - Francesca Ruddy

- The West mixing Blood, War and Oil -

The Long Battle for Libya

Ethics

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Finally it comes.

That unearthly wail, that death cry.

Sending the terrorised mice scurrying underground.

She seizes her chance, desperation fuelling recklessness

Stufng the bedsheets with newspaper so her parents won’t worry.

BoundingAcross frost-encased elds

Leaving the village behind as orange beams

Illuminate the blackness. The ominous whirring spurs her on.

The trees are her refuge, now black, now white as the sky lights dance.

A lone gure,

Still as marble is her goal.

Blurred by the restless lights

And the snowakes offered up by the troubled sky.

She falls into his arms, feeling nothing but her own roaring breath.

Explosions

Begin in the distance, ooding the plain with white

Harshly illuminating not her forbidden sweetheart

With his black curls , but a strange and terrifying creature

Eyes like chipped ice, his laugh in her ear audible over the bombs.

He throws

Her to the ground, knocking the air out her lungs

No breath to scream. He keeps it this way, covering her mouth

His weight pressing down on her ribcage, dry twigs snapping under them

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Feature

Identity Parade

Suddenly she knew

Like a bird, she could move through the sky

Now she was new

She could look him straight in the eye

Falling sensation

Feeling the strongest embraceRealisation

Finding herself face to face.

- Rosetta Silva

look here mate

i’m not gonna waste ma

time in conservation wi

a prick like you

ah got a job tae do.

tba tae. drink tae.

dancin. clubs.

jog on.

- Scot

there once wis a wumin fae glasgae

- Patrick T. Baxter

People’s Poetry

Edwin Morga

Blackness closes in on her brain,

screaming silently as the oxygen runs low.

He is spent

Whispering “Your boy is dead.”

Snow melting against her burning cheek

Gulping down air, her vision slowly returns

To see the receding gure, silhouetted

by the ashing lights against the indigo sky.

- Gillian Roberts

L’Allemand

Dusk

Like violet ink

Penetrates the bland January sky

Tricking steadily with the ticking hours

Blanketing France in colour, smothering her with fear.

She sits

In the relative danger of

The old stone cottage, scanning the viscous sky

Waiting for the same thing that everyone for miles around dreads.

Anticipation sticks her tongue to the roof of her mouth, unpleasantly.

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Feature

Pint Please

Start of the day, invasive display

of an all too familiar member

cereals and milk, after regurgitating ilk

from a night I can barely remember

Off of the oor, out of the door

entering the 12 levels of hell

motivation lacking, quickly sacking

wikipedia has learnt me well

Shun is signing, been imbibing

while others procrastinate away

many a jug, round the gu thugs

that the hetherington love to portray

Blimey its 9, I believe it’s time

everyone text guestlist plus twenty

wine bottle in hand, glass wherever I stand

‘Time before exams?’ the answer is plenty- Dave Entwistle

Look;

my garden used to have

one ercely red rose,

Her roots in me, mine in her.

by sharing ourselves, we made ourselves.

See;

Hiroshima’s wondrous cloudgrow from two halves

once whole,

Split.

I’m lost

in this unchained reaction.

- Stuart Picken

To A President: Sibbald Sonnet

What words can I, a simple man, nd,

To describe he, fair Sibbald, the greatest of our kind?

Born, some claim, in an earthly manger,

An allusion to Jesus. Is Sibbald all man-kinds saviour?

His tale from here falls into sad uncertain astray,

For heavenly or evil - witnesses remain in dismay.

It be certain yet from that point on,

This boy was blessed with right and with wrong.

For ‘right’ I state he is of talented mind,

Of dashing style and condence unconned;

For ‘wrong’ I may warn all ladies before they relax,

That his fecad has faced comparison to melting wax.

Yet do not let this light moral view obscure.

The collosal news: all clear - a Sandyford visit cured!

What it says on the Girls’ toilet wall,

All sensible students now think not at all.

To a man, to an icon, to an unelected leader of all,

Your behaviour enlightened and entertaining to call;

A sign of content of character and pureness of heart,

A President wellworthy we think that you art.

- Anonymous Romantic

with Sibbald’s Sonnet

: 1920-2010

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Film

Sucker Punch

Zack Snyder’s latest brainchild Sucker Punch is bad. It’s as simple as that. Baby-

doll (Emily Browning) is banished to a mental hospital by her abusive stepfa-

ther following his realization that she inherits her deceased mother’s fortune.

The lm quickly jumps from the colourless and eerie hospital to Babydoll’s very own

psychological journey, structured on the typical logic of modern computer games in

which she is unrestricted by time and space. What’s good? Not very much. An over-

powering emphasis is placed on the visuals – the epic battle scenes take precedent over

character progression and narrative. Furthermore, the camera is schizophrenic, rarely

staying still. Snyder loves to zoom and pan and sweep. And he loves a slow-mo. View-

ers don’t really get the chance to care about or get to know Babydoll or any of the othercentral characters. And even if they did, there’s little to care about. They frolic about

in short skirts and crop tops, slaying monsters by uttering their false eyelashes. Con-

sidering the initial deep psychological premise before the fantastical kicks in, it seems

inappropriate to have the heroine and her possy dressed in suspenders and heels. Snyder attempts to create a self-empower-

ing female fantasy (the majority of men are misogynistic paedos and rapists) and fails on most counts aside from epic - and

expensive - visuals.

Not to mention the soundtrack. It includes covers of the Smith’s ‘Asleep’ (bad) and Eurythmics’ ‘Sweet Dreams’ over a scene of

a stepfather abusing young girls - note lyrics of “some of them want to be abused” (very bad). All in all, everything becomes

slave to the visuals. So, what’s good? Well, the premise of the lm cannot be denied its originality. Oh, and Vanessa Hudgenslooks good in a mini-skirt. - Nicola Armstrong

Red Riding Hood

Love triangles, werewolves and a lead actress that perpetually looks confused

– sound familiar? Not surprising, because Catherine Hardwicke, director of Twi-

light , is at it again. Red Riding Hood is a new adaptation of the old classic folk-

tale, only a bit darker and more adult with some Bella and Edward-esque brooding love

thrown in. Amanda Seyfried (yep, the one from Mean Girls who could predict the weather

with her boobs) plays Valerie, a young woman whose plans to elope with her childhood

sweetheart are scuppered when the neighbourhood werewolf starts attacking locals.

It soon becomes clear that the wolf wants something more than a tasty snack and

Valerie holds the key to protecting her friends and family. While an interesting concept,

the attraction of the mysterious ‘who’s the big bad wolf’ element is completely dulled

by the unnatural dialogue and interactions, and the clichéd characters. I would have

a dig at the actors but I don’t blame them for not being able to deliver such unbelievable lines believably; my favourite of

which being when Valerie is alone in a room and says out loud to herself ‘oh, I better go and get some more water.’ Like you

do. This lm had potential and I was actually quite looking forward to seeing it but it takes itself far too seriously for its au-

dience to take it seriously. However, despite these criticisms I recommend you go and see it for yourself, after all anything’s

better than being in the library at this time of year, right? - Hollie Jones

What to see...

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Music

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What to hear...

There are some pieces of music which so

perfectly capture an emotion, place ortime that they become akin to familiar

sentimental landmarks in the parallel sonic land-

scape of your life. As with all music, these land-

marks are particular to one’s subjective response

and, as with all music journalism, words can only

go so far in creating ghosts of these landmarks in

the reader’s mind. And it is here, I am afraid, that

the proceeding review will be approached with

such preconceptions and prejudice towards its

subject that even these ghostly inceptions of soniclandmarks will not take hold in your mind

I am here setting the background to a song which,

although almost universally critically dismissed,

has given rise to a new sonic

landmark in my mind, in this

case capturing a particular day of

the week: the very essence of the

concept of ‘Friday’

The song in question is sung by

a 13 year old girl who goes by

the name of Rebecca Black and

is simply entitled ‘Friday’. It was

written by a company called ARK

Music Factory who write songs

and sometimes even make mu-

sic videos for super sweet 16 tweens. It is doubt-

ful whether they spend much time writing these

songs. Nonetheless, as some students will write

their essays the night before and, not having time

to consult the views of academics, will reach their

own conclusions as of necessity and as a result

attain a good grade, so ARK Music Factory have

created perfection in a time frame which cynics

would dismiss as ‘unrealistic’.

The lyrics are simple but delivered with such in-

nocence that the listener is hurled into her world.

The simplistic beat sounds like it could have been

.

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Music

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stolen from the default programming of a high

school keyboard and is combined with an appeal-ing party theme which runs throughout the song,

enticing the listener into believing that all is good

in the world of Rebecca Black. Throughout the

song, Rebecca is taken on a typical Friday journey,

waking up, having her cereal, meeting her friends

at a bus stop, and eventually attending a party at

the weekend.

The youthful excitement and energy is apparent

from the get go and doesn’t relent throughout thesong. I am not ashamed to say that Friday is buzz-

ing with such nostalgia for Fridays past that every

spin of this epic record sends a shiver up my spine

and a tear or two down my face.

This is not to say that the song

doesn’t have any aws at all.

Every masterpiece has elements

which could be improved. These

minor grievances include the

blatant illegality of her underage

friend’s driving, the hints at her

lower than average mental capac-

ity shown through her dilemma

over which seat to choose and the

irtation with paedophilia which

is undertaken in the intense rap

section towards the end of the song where Patrice

Wilson delivers a number of worrying lines such

as ‘passin’ by is a school bus in front of me, makes

tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream, check my time,

it’s Friday, it’s a weekend, we gonna have fun,

c’mon, c’mon’.

Regardless, Friday succeeds where so many oth-

ers have failed and has successfully and indeed

rather perfectly encapsulated the very spirit of

Friday, both as a day and as a feeling, and has pre-

sented this through a wonderful piece of electro-

pop majesty. Fuck the haters.

- Cameron Greig

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INVISIBLE MAN by Ralph Ellison

I’ll be straight with you: I bought this book solely because Iliked the cover. But I soon realised that it is much more than just pretty to look at. The young, black and anonymous pro-tagonist takes us on the dark and winding rollercoaster ridethat is his life over a couple of years, and at once dazzlingand relentlessly downbeat, this is a trip you’ll never forget.

Through a rst-person narrative that is intensely personalfrom the opening line to the last, we witness what can bemildly described as a series of unfortunate events varyingfrom the horric to the downright bizarre that the protago-nist faces due mainly, it would seem, to his race. Followinga gross misunderstanding, he is thrown out of his prestig-ious university and moves to New York seeking a new life,only to encounter workplace bullying and rejection from allsides. He is lured in by the companionship of a cult calledthe Brotherhood, but experiences even more alienation, andthings much more sinister. Following a frenzied climax of death and destruction, the novel ends where it started, withthe protagonist living in dark of a manhole – at the begin-ning, the impression is given that he was speaking gura-tively about this hole, but at the end, you realise that this isin fact his reality.

Ellison portrays the racial divide of 1950s America withharshly exaggerated clarity; white men are aliens, the bad-dies, constantly tramping the protagonist into the ground.But the novel is about alienation of all kinds that we all feelat some point in our lives. The protagonist is the personica-tion of that isolation. It plagues him throughout the novel,pushing him away from all positive emotions and forcinghim towards the worst people and into the darkest places,so much so that he is convinced of his own invisibility, and

ends up in the darkest place of all.

Despite all this doom and gloom, one can’t help but lovethe protagonist and the way he bounces back from theseincreasingly morbid happenings, ever more determined tomake a good life for himself. The ending is far from happy, but you know from the steely, almost ironic tone of the rstpage what you’re getting into. The writing is bleak and in-fused with helplessness which creates a sense of tension andclaustrophobia, but it is also strangely invigorating to feelthe protagonist’s resilient spirit. The knockout power of this book lies in the way Ellison conveys his theme of racism byillustrating that, given time, even the most resilient spirit

can be trampled viciously into the ground.

Not a light read, but an enlightening one.-Gillian Roberts

Culture

Theatre:Ovid’s Metamorphosis

Tron TheatreSaturday, 23rd of April

7.45pm-10pm700p

‘Roman mythology relocated to 1940s wartime Britain.’

Artwork:The Right To Play

Gallery of Modern ArtSunday 24th of April

11am-5pm0p

Dame Paula Rego, Eduardo Paolozzi, Andy Goldsworthy.

Comedy:Cheap Westend Standup

The StandTuesday Nights

7.30pm200pPure open mic comedy

Exhibition:Drawing (On) RiversideKelvingrove Art Gallery15th April-14th August

11am-5pm0p

Patricia Cain: drawing, painting and sculpture

Music:

Midge Ure Free GigABC26th April

7pm0p with online applicationsSupported by Lou Hickey

Academic:Iraqi Fiction ReadingCCA, Suchiehall Street

28th April7pm

donationReadings by Abbas Khider and Kusay Hussain

Column of Culture

A Review of a Book Culture to See

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Comment

planatory. Go hiking. But naked. And use lots of suncream.

2) Wife Carrying – originating in Finland, men compete in

an obstacle course while the wife hangs upside-down with

her legs around the husband’s shoulders, holding onto his

waist. The wife has to be a minimum of 49 kgs. So everyone

in Glasgow should be ne.

3) Toe Wrestling - Players must link toes and each player’s

feet must touch at on the other person’s feet. It begins witha short introductory chant, usually ‘one, two, three, four,

I declare a toe war.’ Winning means placing a foot on the

same foot of the opponent and pinning it down. The organ-

isers applied for the sport’s inclusion in the Olympics. I’m

unsure why it was rejected.

4) Chess Boxing – a hybrid activity involving rounds of

chess and boxing. This one originated in 1992 in Holland

and begins with a four minute chess round. This is followed

by a three minute boxing match. Then, players have four

minutes of chess. And after this they play boxing for three

minutes. See where I’m going with this?

5) Oil Wrestling – Turkey’s national sport. Wrestling, but

doused in oil and wearing lederhosen. Enough said.

So if there’s nothing there that tickles your fancy, then I’ll be

damned. I have no words of wisdom for you. Just stay fat.

- Nicola Armstrong

As if Glasgow’s reputation wasn’t gleaming enough,

the city has recently been awarded third place in

a study investigating the unhealthiest cities in

the UK (conducted by supplement manufacturer BioCare).

Beaten only by Bristol and Worcester, the study showed that

almost half of all Glaswegians are medically overweight but

claim they are too busy to do anything about it.

Just over ten years ago, a global study involving 15 millionpeople revealed that Glasgow’s men have the second high-

est heart attack rate in the world. There were beaten only

by, wait for it…Glasgow’s women. Yay! These Glaswegian

rates proved to be ten times higher than those of Beijing,

Catalonia and Vaud Fribourg in Switzerland. While a lot

has changed in the last decade, the study would suggest

that our waistlines have not.

It’s time to swap the daily Greggs’ steak bake for a fruit sal-

ad, and put that hour you just spent Facebook stalking your

friend’s brother’s neighbour to better use at the gym. Or

not. The gym’s about as exciting as watching Emmerdale.

There’s a multitude of interesting sports out there for you

to get your teeth into and undo the damage. That is, if you

can handle people looking at you funny:

1) Nude Hiking – this German phenomenon has recently en-

tered the UK. It’s totally illegal in many parts of the world,

for obvious reasons, so be careful. Everyone remembers The

Naked Rambler circa 2004. I guess this one is pretty self-ex-

Get Fun and Fit.Don’t Get Fat:

Comedy

A few funny excuses...An extract from a recent apology: After Mr T. bid in a charity auction

1. I was incredibly pished. I don’t remember it and I didn’t believe it was real.2. I am not a member of the society and henceforth not willing to part with either £76 or £383. I do not have £384. I do not want either product.

I am willing to broker a deal as long as the following conditions are adhered to;

i) None of the above 4 reasons change.ii) money will not change hands. Mr T. is still awaiting a reply.

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In fairness, it did actually look slightly better once we’d

nished that single room. So much so, we even attempt-

ed to clear the hall too, again with what can best be de-

scribed as “some success”. Naturally, given our morn-

ing/early afternoon of unexpected victories, it was time

for a celebratory game of FIFA before cracking on with

the other rooms.

Needless to say, the rest of the at is still a mess.

Retrieving something from the kitchen, stacked

high with the dishes previously removed from

the living room, is akin to navigating a particular-

ly challenging assault course where everything

is dirty, and possibly already rapidly evolving.

My own bedroom, whilst not disgraceful, is

home to several piles of (clean) clothes. These

are the product of removing clothes from the

washer-dryer and rather than folding themneatly and putting them away, letting them

fall victim to the “do it later” policy that so

denes my lifestyle.

The Greatest Adventure Yet is, as yet, incom-

plete. While the vision was a beautiful one,

the desire and cleaning abilities of those in-

volved has to be questioned. We failed our

at with our half-baked and unprofessional

cleaning. There’s really only one option now.Hope it stays really sunny all summer, so we

can just be outside all the time and not have to

deal with it.

A nal piece of advice for others attempting the

Spring Clean: If you don’t try, you can’t fail.

I truly am an inspiration. - Gregor Muir

What to hear...

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Column

It’s that time of year again. The sun was ofcially “out”

the other day. It fair took its time, eh? For half a minute, I

thought winter was here to stay. Not that I’d have minded

particularly, for as those rst lances of sunlight sliced through

the darkness of our living room window, I became painfully

aware of how dirty our at was.

Nothing hides mess more effectively than darkness it ap-

pears. With curtains spread wide, there was little left to

veil the fact that the collective living space of four guys

gets a bit cluttered during the months spent cowering

from the Glaswegian winter. So, we set out on our Great-

est Adventure Yet. Cleaning it.

I’d never really been involved in a Spring Clean in

my life, barring a brief spell at a hotel where I was

at least paid for the labour. It quickly became ap-

parent when dealing with our at that our StandardProcedure of just moving stuff about until a bit of

space was clear wasn’t going to be enough. The liv-

ing room table, groaning beneath an array of bottles,

pizza boxes, glasses, plates, speakers, laptop cables,

and other sundry items was Objective 1. Turns out,

it’s reasonably effective to remove the things you

want to keep, and just sweep your arm across the re-

mainder into a bin bag. Remove said bin bag from the

premises, and you’re already well on your way.

The grand debate about who owns what piece of aban-

doned clothing/electrical device is easily solved by

just shoving them into a closet and letting the owner

deal with them at leisure. This should leave you with

a semi-clear room. Our decision to then utilise a vacu-

um cleaner (“We have a vacuum?”) proved invaluable

to stirring up dust and giving everyone a headache.

The misadventures of

Mr. Gregor Muir

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Sport

GLASGOW

UNIVERSITY

SPORTS

ASSOCIATION

GUSA Report City of Glasgow Cup 2011

On a fantastic day for all those involved with sport, Glasgow University shrugged off competition

from Glasgow Caledonian University and Strathclyde University to win the Brewin Dolphin City of

Glasgow Cup at Scotstoun Leisure Centre. The competition was remarkably close with the margin of victory between Glasgow and second place Strathclyde a mere single point.

On a day that was fuelled by an absurdly high amount of free energy drinks provided by the cup’s

partner Red Bull, the day had a great, enthusiastic atmosphere with eleven sports taking place, most

of them at Scotstoun. The desire to win by all the teams involved was matched by the good nature of

the event. The relatively “warm” weather, which reached a balmy eighty degrees at some stages, was a

more than welcome addition to the day’s proceedings, especially compared to the previous day’s sleet,

rain and snow.

Regardless of what the weather was like outside, there was no stopping Glasgow on the basketballcourt. The Men’s Basketball continued their excellent season, winning both matches by emphatic mar-

gins. Further successes indoor came from the Women’s volleyball team and the badminton club. It was

a particularly successful day for GUFC’s male and female teams, both coming out on top in their tour-

naments. One of the day’s biggest successes belongs to the Tennis club, hammering both universities

6-0.

The women’s hockey team triumphed in an evenly matched group, winning both of their matches 1-0.

Sarah Scholes, the captain of the Women’s hockey rst eleven, was proud of the performance of her

team, with goals by Jill Symmington and Nicki Skratsin in the matches and solid defensive play from

Nic Lowery, Alex Mercer and Ali Sinclair. Scholes, in her nal year with the team, was happy Glasgowwon the hockey trophy. “With it being my last ever Glasgow Cup, it was an absolute pleasure to lift the

winning trophy on behalf of the squad as captain in my last year!”

President of GUSA, Leo Howes, was obviously delighted with the day’s events. “I think that this year ’s

City of Glasgow Cup was bigger and better than ever before and it was great to see Glasgow win the cup

for the rst time in four years”, Howes said. The success of Glasgow’s teams this year, Howes claims, is

due to their professional approach towards the tournament and throughout the season, which he feels

“is a credit to the University and really made the difference in winning the competition”. The success

of the tournament overall this year provides hope that the City of Glasgow Cup can be bigger and bet-

ter in 2012, and that Glasgow can defend their trophy. - David Childs: GUSA Publicity Convenor

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