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Copyright © 2014 by Mallory OrtbergAll rights reserved.Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Book Distribution Limited

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Ortberg, Mallory. Texts from Jane Eyre : and other conversations with your favorite literary characters / Mallory Ortberg. — First edition. pages cm ISBN 978-1-62779-183-0 (hardback) — ISBN 978-1-62779-184-7 (electronic copy) 1. Text messages (Cell phone systems)—Humor. 2. Characters in literature—Humor. 3. Literature—Humor. I. Title. PN6231.T565O78 2014 818'.60208--dc23 2014012891

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First Edition 2014

Illustrations on pp. 1, 19, 47, 87, 107, 116, 214, 216, 217 copyright © 2014 by Madeline Gobbo

Designed by Meryl Sussman Levavi

Printed in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 1

Contents

Part I

Medea 3

Gilgamesh 6

Achilles 8

Dido 11

Plato 12

Circe 14

Medea, Part II 17

King Midas 19

The Wife of Bath 20

William Blake 21

King Lear 25

John Donne 30

Hamlet 32

Don Quixote 34

Hamlet, Part II 36

René Descartes 37

William Wordsworth 39

Hamlet, Part III 41

Samuel Taylor Coleridge 43

Hamlet, Part IV 45

viii

Part II

Jane Eyre 49

Sherlock Holmes 52

Emily Dickinson 55

Oliver Twist 60

Lord Byron 62

John Keats 66

Emma 69

Pride and Prejudice 72

Moby-Dick 78

Great Expectations 85

Gone with the Wind 89

Edgar Allan Poe 94

Treasure Island 101

Gone with the Wind, Part II 105

Part III

“The Yellow Wallpaper” 109

Wuthering Heights 114

Little Women 120

Hamlet, Part V 129

Henry David Thoreau 130

Daisy Miller 134

The Island of Dr. Moreau 136

ix

Daisy Miller, Part II 137

Les Misérables 139

A Tale of Two Cities 145

Rudyard Kipling 146

Daisy Miller, Part III 147

Daisy Miller, Part IV 148

The Sun Also Rises 149

Agatha Christie 152

The Great Gatsby 153

Daisy Miller, Part V 155

J. Alfred Prufrock 156

Virginia Woolf 161

William Faulkner 162

Daisy Miller, Part VI 165

Peter Pan 167

The Great Gatsby, Part II 171

Part IV

Sweet Valley High 175

The Outsiders 179

The American Girl Series 183

The Baby-Sitters Club 188

Nancy Drew 192

Atlas Shrugged 196

Fight Club 200

x

The Lorax 205

Rebecca 209

Cormac McCarthy 213

The Hunger Games 216

William Carlos Williams 219

Harry Potter 222

The Little Prince 225

14

Circehi Odysseus what are you doing for dinner tonight

Circe.

what oh my god whatttt

Circe

stop it with my name i don’t know what you’re mad aboutare you mad

Circe I’m not coming over for dinner

whyyyyy

you know why

no i don’tI’m a witch not a not the captain of knowing why of things

what are all those pigs doing outside your house

15

CIrCE

I don’t knowwhatever pigs do truffle-hunting

Circe

i think the technical term is mycophagybut I’m not 100% on that

where did the pigs come from Circe

i don’t knowa pig farm a pig mommy and a pig daddy who loved each other very much and gave each other a special handshake

CIRCE

oh my god okay finethey’re your crew, you got me i turned all of your friends into pigs

why did you turn my friends into pigs

i don’t knowmaybe the real question iswhy are your friendsso turn-into-pigsable

turn them back into humans

will you come over for dinner if i turn them back into humans

turn them back into humans first and we’ll talk

uuughFinnnneeeee

and turn them back into REGULAR humans

16

CIrCE

what do you mean

just like how they were beforenot

i don’t knowhalf-pig men

or a thousand years oldor with no arms

just the same, normal people

haha oh my god what do you even think i am i would never do that

Circeyou own an entire island of badgermen

you don’t know that island wasn’t already like that when I got here

was it likewas it full of half-men half-badgers?

i don’t have to answer that questionit was full of a lot of things when i got hereanyhow shut up i fixed your stupid friendswho by the way are stupid and boring

CIRCE

im kidddddding godddd