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High School Informative Prompts
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High School Informative Prompts
Table of Contents
High School Informative Prompts ............................................................................................................... 2 A Dinner Menu ........................................................................................................................................... 4 A Healthy Change .................................................................................................................................... 15 A Letter to Your Grandchildren: The World Today ................................................................................. 24 A Moment in History ................................................................................................................................ 35 A Revolution’s Effect on Society ............................................................................................................. 44 Acting on the State of the Union Address ................................................................................................ 60 Advice to a Presidential Candidate ........................................................................................................... 77 African Imperialism .................................................................................................................................. 88 American Presidents ............................................................................................................................... 105 An Ethical Dilemma: Job Recommendation........................................................................................... 115 Business Letter to a Restaurant ............................................................................................................... 132 Career Goals ........................................................................................................................................... 148 Cause and Effect in the Revolutionary War ........................................................................................... 156 Change A Historical Event ..................................................................................................................... 174 Character Traits ...................................................................................................................................... 187 Choose a New Genetic Trait ................................................................................................................... 195 Choosing a Speaker for Your School ..................................................................................................... 210 College Admissions: Controversial Social Issues ................................................................................... 219 College Admissions: Financial Planning ................................................................................................ 229 College Admissions: Personal Statement ............................................................................................... 246 Community Service Requirement ........................................................................................................... 265 Creating a Budget ................................................................................................................................... 280 Crossing the Rubicon: A Fateful Decision ............................................................................................. 295 Describing a Meaningful Holiday........................................................................................................... 305 Designing the Ideal School Building ...................................................................................................... 321 Effect of the Black Death in Middle Ages Europe ................................................................................. 329 Effects of Technology ............................................................................................................................ 346 Effects of the Automobile ....................................................................................................................... 354 Failure before Success ............................................................................................................................ 362 Favorite Villain ....................................................................................................................................... 379 Features of a Major World Religion ....................................................................................................... 389 First Day on the Job ................................................................................................................................ 404 Global Warming ..................................................................................................................................... 420 Growing Towards Maturity .................................................................................................................... 436 Handling Disruptive Behavior ................................................................................................................ 451 Healthy Relationships ............................................................................................................................. 469 Helping a Friend in Math Class .............................................................................................................. 486 Historical Periods in Time ...................................................................................................................... 502 Importance of Family ............................................................................................................................. 519 In-School Music ..................................................................................................................................... 533 Making Science Fiction a Reality ........................................................................................................... 541 Memorable Places................................................................................................................................... 558 One-Hundred Years of Change .............................................................................................................. 567 Owning a Business ................................................................................................................................. 575 Perceptions of Prejudice ......................................................................................................................... 590 Power Sources in the Year 2050 ............................................................................................................. 599 Qualities in Adults You Admire ............................................................................................................. 608 Self-Evaluation Reflection...................................................................................................................... 622 The Definition of Integrity...................................................................................................................... 631
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The Future of Your Chosen Career......................................................................................................... 641 The Holocaust: Systems of Persecution .................................................................................................. 649 The Ideal Winter Break .......................................................................................................................... 659 The Person You Most Admire ................................................................................................................ 676 The Sense You Could Live Without ....................................................................................................... 684 What Decade Would You Like to Experience? ...................................................................................... 695 What Makes a Person an American? ...................................................................................................... 711 World War I: A Turning Point ................................................................................................................ 720 Your Goals.............................................................................................................................................. 739 Your Legacy ........................................................................................................................................... 755 Your Unique Name ................................................................................................................................. 772
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A Dinner Menu
You are preparing a dinner menu to celebrate a special occasion and need to decide what food you will
serve to your friends. Describe each of the foods you will include on your menu and explain why you
made the choices you did. Describe how you will present the meal to your friends.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Can you imagine twenty five years of unconditional love to one another? As this coming month is rapidly
approaching, I have been reminded of our good friends, Jane and Bob's 25th wedding anniversary on
November fifth. I feel they deserve an intimate dinner party surrounded by all of you, their very dear and
close friends. Our gathering will be on Wednesday, November 1st, and will begin at five o'clock in the
evening, in my home. This will be a surprise to Jane and Bob because they believe we are just having an
evening out at their favorite restaurant. What a joy it will be to see their faces as they enter our home, and
realize that we have all come together to celebrate the greatness of their twenty five years of marriage.
The celebration will initially get underway with some special hors d'oevres including fresh mushroom caps
stuffed with a lovely blue cheese filling, a warm crab dip served with soft pita chips, and a warm cheddar
cheese fondue served with pieces of French bread. I have chosen these warm hors d'oevres to take the chill
off the cool, crisp November weather. These will be available to everyone upon arrival to the house and up
until the time dinner is served in the formal dinning room. They will be served on warmers around the
living room area. Drinks of all types will be located in the bar area of the living room. I will also be
serving a hot apple cider and a variety of hot herbal teas, knowing your appreciation of these. A special
drink will be served during dinner, if you so choose to imbibe the alcoholic variety.
Soft dinner music will be featured throughout the house, and I've asked our local florist to decorate the
home in shades of yellow, oranges, and reds. Feel free to socialize and stroll through our home while we
await the arrival of our guests of honor. Once our honorees arrive at six o'clock, we will take a few minutes
to extend our greetings and then proceed to the formal dining room for a meal to remember. Dinner will be
served on my grandmother's beautiful china set which I have inherited and only use for supreme, special
occasions. We will first have a champagne toast and our good friend and minister, John, will lead us in a
dinner prayer.
Our meal will start with a Caesar salad complete with anchovies and homemade dressing and croutons. I
would like to serve this due to Jane's love of this particular salad. With salads finished, we will move on to
the main course of prime rib, garlic mashed potatoes, and lightly sauteed asparagus tips. I will be getting
the appropriate sized prime rib from the butcher when I have a final attendance count. The butcher is
working with me to ensure that we have the right amount of meat and also, to be able to serve everyone
their desired preference of well, medium, or rare. I'm choosing prime rib, not simply for the simplicity of
the meat, but so that I may also enjoy and socialize with everyone. The wonderful flavor and aroma of the
meat was also a solid reason for this defined choice. The garlic potatoes are just a favorite of mine that are
an easy to-do ahead-of-time potato, which then will be piped onto the plates to make a beautiful
impression. Sauteed asparagus tips are so easy, fast, and tasty; and the added bonus involves the color of
these tips accentuating the fine china plate patterns.
Drinks with the meal will be at your discretion; however, I will be serving a vintage, Merlot wine at the
meal if you so choose to accept. I am serving the Merlot at the suggestion of the wine steward of my
favorite wine store, who assures me, it will truly enhance the flavor of the meal in a memorable and
impressive way. There will also be the usual water goblets filled with water and lemon at every setting.
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Dessert will be buffet style, back in the living room. There will be a table filled with various desserts from
chocolate mousse to cakes and pies. This way, while everyone is winding down, they may sit back and
enjoy a cup of warm coffee or tea, and a dessert or two.
I hope to make Jane and Bob's twenty-fifth anniversary an affair to remember. I sincerely hope that you can
all attend and join in their happiness as we celebrate their wonderful life together.
Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning
This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an
insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience.
Furthermore, the writer completes and goes beyond the limits of the task. Specifically, the writer grabs the
readers’ attention by very effectively using an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction.
(“Can you imagine twenty five years of unconditional love to one another?”) The essay is very effectively
focused on the controlling idea with details about a social gathering and a menu for the occasion. (“I feel
they deserve an intimate dinner party surrounded by all of you, their very dear and close friends. Our
gathering will be on Wednesday, November 1st, and will begin at five o'clock in the evening, in my
home.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea in an effective manner.
(“The celebration will initially get underway with some special hors d'oevres including fresh mushroom
caps stuffed with a lovely blue cheese filling, a warm crab dip served with soft pita chips, and a warm
cheddar cheese fondue served with pieces of French bread.”)
Content & Development
This essay exhibits very effective content and development. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide
variety of appropriate details to support his/her ideas. In particular, supporting details develop examples
well. (“Our meal will start with a Caesar salad complete with anchovies and homemade dressing and
croutons. I would like to serve this due to Jane's love of this particular salad.”) The content in the body
paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Drinks with the meal will be
at your discretion; however, I will be serving a vintage, Merlot wine at the meal if you so choose to accept.
I am serving the Merlot at the suggestion of the wine steward of my favorite wine store, who assures me, it
will truly enhance the flavor of the meal in a memorable and impressive way.”) Specific information about
food items is developed very effectively. (“I have chosen these warm hors d'oevres to take the chill off the
cool, crisp November weather. These will be available to everyone upon arrival to the house and up until
the time dinner is served in the formal dinning room.”)
Organization
This essay exhibits very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an
engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; also, effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices
is seen throughout. Primarily, the essay demonstrates a very effective introduction. (“Can you imagine
twenty five years of unconditional love to one another? As this coming month is rapidly approaching, I
have been reminded of our good friends, Jane and Bob's 25th wedding anniversary on November fifth. I
feel they deserve an intimate dinner party. . . .”) The introduction also includes very effective background
information about the topic. (“This will be a surprise to Jane and Bob because they believe we are just
having an evening out at their favorite restaurant. What a joy it will be to see their faces as they enter our
home, and realize that we have all come together to celebrate the greatness of their twenty five years of
marriage.”) The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“I hope to make Jane and Bob's twenty-
fifth anniversary an affair to remember. I sincerely hope that you can all attend and join in their happiness
as we celebrate their wonderful life together.”)
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Language Use & Style
This essay demonstrates very effective language use and style. The writer demonstrates precise language
and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. In addition, the writer uses well-structured
and varied sentences. Specifically, the language and tone are consistent in the essay. (“I am serving the
Merlot at the suggestion of the wine steward of my favorite wine store, who assures me, it will truly
enhance the flavor of the meal in a memorable and impressive way. There will also be the usual water
goblets filled with water and lemon at every setting.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly
understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the
controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Soft dinner music will be featured throughout the house,
and I've asked our local florist to decorate the home in shades of yellow, oranges, and reds. Feel free to
socialize and stroll through our home while we await the arrival of our guests of honor. Once our honorees
arrive at six o'clock, we will take a few minutes to extend our greetings and then proceed to the formal
dining room for a meal to remember.”) Compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used
effectively. (“Drinks with the meal will be at your discretion; however, I will be serving a vintage, Merlot
wine at the meal if you so choose to accept.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
This essay demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in
grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an
action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and
each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“Feel free to socialize and stroll through our home while we
await the arrival of our guests of honor. Once our honorees arrive at six o'clock, we will take a few minutes
to extend our greetings and then proceed to the formal dining room for a meal to remember. Dinner will be
served on my grandmother's beautiful china set which I have inherited and only use for supreme, special
occasions. We will first have a champagne toast and our good friend and minister, John, will lead us in a
dinner prayer.”)
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Dinner is the most important meal of the day to me. If I were to prepare a dinner menu for my friends, it
would be food that basically everyone loves. This would not be some super expensive, extremely formal
type dinner either. This would be the kind of dinner that people just come over to eat and just have fun
without feeling they are going to embarrass themselves in the middle of an extremely nice place. Dinner is
the best meal to make an impression on everyone. Because big dinners usually take a long time to prepare
for, my dinner will take just a few moments to get everything in order. I would simply just get the food and
come home, then put the food on the table and wait on the guests. The hardest part would be to make sure
the house is clean and worthy enough for others to lay eyes on it.
The first thing every dinner starts with, even if most people do not think about it, is to make sure the place
that is holding the dinner is acceptable in all aspects. This will probably be the longest part of preparation
and the hardest. With this step done, the rest will be easy to get ready for. I will first then get the main
course and make sure there is enough for everyone to stuff their faces. My main course would have to be
stuffed crust, cheese pizza from Pizza Hut. I would get about six large cheese pizzas for everyone to enjoy
because almost everyone loves cheese pizza.
Cheese pizza will have to be my main part of the meal. If people want something a little bit more of
something beside pizza, they will have the option of eating some nachos and a cheese. The chips would
have to be Nacho Cheese chips and some homemade cheese dip made out of real cheese. This is the best
kind of the nachos and cheese you can get. I will make enough to fill up the people who possibly didn't eat
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the pizza. Whatever is leftover and more will not go to waste, I will eat the rest of the nachos until not one
chip is left.
The last part of the meal will be dessert. This will be a special dessert that my mom makes herself. This
special dessert is called her "Death by Chocolate Cake." The cake is made completely of almost any
chocolate food there is including: a double layer devil's chocolate cake, chocolate pudding, chocolate icing,
chocolate sprinkles, chocolate cookies, and chocolate whipped cream. My mom's cake is so fattening and
good that it is hard to finish a single slice of the cake. The cake usually will stay in our refrigerator for a
week. This cake should satisfy anyone's stomach that was a tiny bit hungry. This meal is enough to make
everyone leave the party full and maybe even with a huge stomach ache.
My dinner will leave everyone wanting to come back for another party. They will be have such a good time
that they might not want to leave. I might have to drag them out of my house one by one. It would not
bother me so much because I know it was a party not many will soon forget. They might even start talking
about it all over the school. The dinner could even influence others to throw a party just like me.
Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning
This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling
idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes all parts
of the task. In particular, the essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement at the
beginning of the introduction. (“Dinner is the most important meal of the day to me. If I were to prepare a
dinner menu for my friends, it would be food that basically everyone loves.”) The essay is focused on the
controlling idea with details about a dinner menu and the respective dinner’s location. (“The first thing
every dinner starts with, even if most people do not think about it, is to make sure the place that is holding
the dinner is acceptable in all aspects.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling
idea. (“My main course would have to be stuffed crust, cheese pizza from Pizza Hut. I would get about six
large cheese pizzas for everyone to enjoy because almost everyone loves cheese pizza.”)
Content & Development
This essay demonstrates good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using
sufficient, appropriate details. Specifically, there are a variety of details that explain main ideas. (“The
cake is made completely of almost any chocolate food there is including: a double layer devil's chocolate
cake, chocolate pudding, chocolate icing, chocolate sprinkles, chocolate cookies, and chocolate whipped
cream. My mom's cake is so fattening and good that it is hard to finish a single slice of the cake.”) The
details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“The last
part of the meal will be dessert. This will be a special dessert that my mom makes herself. This special
dessert is called her ‘Death by Chocolate Cake.’”) Supporting details develop the example well. (“If
people want something a little bit more of something beside pizza, they will have the option of eating some
nachos and a cheese. The chips would have to be Nacho Cheese chips and some homemade cheese dip
made out of real cheese.”)
Organization
This essay exhibits good organization. The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good
introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.
In particular, the essay provides a good introduction. (“Dinner is the most important meal of the day to me.
If I were to prepare a dinner menu for my friends, it would be food that basically everyone loves. This
would not be some super expensive, extremely formal type dinner either.”) The introduction includes
adequate background information about the topic. (“Dinner is the best meal to make an impression on
everyone. Because big dinners usually take a long time to prepare for, my dinner will take just a few
moments to get everything in order.”) The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. (“My dinner will
leave everyone wanting to come back for another party. They will be have such a good time that they might
not want to leave. I might have to drag them out of my house one by one.”)
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distributed in any form or by any means or stored in a database or any retrieval system, without the prior written permission of Vantage Learning. Revised 11/03/15.
Language Use & Style
This essay demonstrates good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and
word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Also, the writer uses well-
structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. (“The last part of the meal
will be dessert. This will be a special dessert that my mom makes herself. This special dessert is called her
‘Death by Chocolate Cake.’”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how main and
supporting points are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“Cheese pizza
will have to be my main part of the meal. If people want something a little bit more of something beside
pizza, they will have the option of eating some nachos and a cheese. The chips would have to be Nacho
Cheese chips and some homemade cheese dip made out of real cheese.”) Compound and complex
sentences are used effectively. (“The first thing every dinner starts with, even if most people do not think
about it, is to make sure the place that is holding the dinner is acceptable in all aspects.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
This essay exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar,
mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, sentences have a
subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and paragraphs are
distinguished with a line break. (“My dinner will leave everyone wanting to come back for another party.
They will be have such a good time that they might not want to leave. I might have to drag them out of my
house one by one. It would not bother me so much because I know it was a party not many will soon forget.
They might even start talking about it all over the school. The dinner could even influence others to throw a
party just like me.”)
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Have you ever wanted a more exotic variety of food? Well, I am making a special menu for my friends
because it is a very special occasion. In this menu I will include exotic and foreign dishes to make my up
my menu. The menu would have a variety of different food from all over the globe. The following is the
list food that I would be serving to my friends; Spaghetti imported straight from Italy, Adobo directly from
the Philippines, and Sushi from Japan. I would gladly serve all of this food to my friends on this very
special occasion. This would be a very enjoyable occasion.
For one of my dishes, I chose Spaghetti. I know for a fact that many of my friends enjoy the taste of
Spaghetti and they would really love some imported straight from Italy. The Spaghetti would have extra
sauce and very delicious pasta. I would serve peppers and Parmesan cheese on a separate plate. I would
have my chef cook the Spaghetti in front of my friends and serve it directly to them. This might possibly be
my favorite dish on the menu.
For my Filipino dish, I chose to serve a very famous dish called Adobo. This is a very tastey and delicious
chicken recipe that can be found in the Philippines. The Adobo would be served with rice and would be
cooked and served by my chef. I would present this dish myself and serve all of my friends personally. This
is a dish that comes from my culture and is my familys favorite dish of the menu.
Now, for the last dish, I chose to serve Sushi imported directly from Japan. Sushi is a very famous dish here
in America, but few people have actually tried Sushi from Japan. This would be served on a wooden board
by my chef and would hand cooked by me, personally. The Sushi would be made from freshly caught
Salmon and freshly cooked rice. It would be wrapped in seaweed and served with Wasabi.
Now that I have listed all of my dishes for this special occasion, I really hope that my friends would enjoy
the food that will be made. For this special occasion I put together a very special menu. This menu has a
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distributed in any form or by any means or stored in a database or any retrieval system, without the prior written permission of Vantage Learning. Revised 11/03/15.
good variety of foreign dishes and is very good, in my opinion. In conclusion, I hope that this will be a very
good menu for my guests and would be a very tasty dinner for them as well.
Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning
This essay exhibits adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea and
demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience while completing many parts of the task.
Specifically, the essay’s purpose is stated adequately. (“Well, I am making a special menu for my friends
because it is a very special occasion. In this menu I will include exotic and foreign dishes to make my up
my menu.”) The writer understands the intended audience adequately. (“For one of my dishes, I chose
Spaghetti. I know for a fact that many of my friends enjoy the taste of Spaghetti and they would really love
some imported straight from Italy.”) The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience, as there
is little use of slang or contractions. (“I would gladly serve all of this food to my friends on this very
special occasion. This would be a very enjoyable occasion.”)
Content & Development
This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using
sufficient details to support ideas. Specifically, the main ideas of the body paragraphs support the writer’s
thesis. (“For one of my dishes, I chose Spaghetti. I know for a fact that many of my friends enjoy the taste
of Spaghetti and they would really love some imported straight from Italy.”) The writer uses adequate
details to illustrate main ideas. (“Now, for the last dish, I chose to serve Sushi imported directly from
Japan. Sushi is a very famous dish here in America, but few people have actually tried Sushi from Japan.”)
The essay contains facts and explanations about each of the writer’s main ideas. (“This would be served on
a wooden board by my chef and would hand cooked by me, personally. The Sushi would be made from
freshly caught Salmon and freshly cooked rice. It would be wrapped in seaweed and served with Wasabi.”)
Organization
This essay exhibits adequate organization. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a
noticeable introduction, conclusion, and use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the
essay begins with a good introduction. (“Have you ever wanted a more exotic variety of food?”)
Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“Now, for the last dish, I chose
to serve Sushi imported directly from Japan.”) The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“In
conclusion, I hope that this will be a very good menu for my guests and would be a very tasty dinner for
them as well.”)
Language Use & Style
This essay demonstrates adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language
and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Furthermore, the writer generally
uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied.
(“Now that I have listed all of my dishes for this special occasion, I really hope that my friends would enjoy
the food that will be made. For this special occasion I put together a very special menu.”) Words used in
the essay relate to the prompt task. (“Well, I am making a special menu for my friends because it is a very
special occasion. In this menu I will include exotic and foreign dishes to make my up my menu.”)
However, word choice is sometimes poor. (“This is a dish that comes from my culture and is my familys
favorite dish of the menu.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
This essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in
grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication
of the writer’s message. For example, sentences contain a subject and a verb (an action), end with a
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10
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distributed in any form or by any means or stored in a database or any retrieval system, without the prior written permission of Vantage Learning. Revised 11/03/15.
punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and paragraphs are distinguished by a line break. (“Now that
I have listed all of my dishes for this special occasion, I really hope that my friends would enjoy the food
that will be made. For this special occasion I put together a very special menu. This menu has a good
variety of foreign dishes and is very good, in my opinion. In conclusion, I hope that this will be a very good
menu for my guests and would be a very tasty dinner for them as well.”)
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
What is the best dinner that you have ever had. Do you think that the perfect meal has ever existed? I know
it can exist because I have a dream that it will come to be one of these days. I know what it will taste like
and what kind of food will be there. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Soon yours will be to.
My favorite food that will be at the party is candy yams. Candy yams have been my favorite food since I
was a little kid. To me any type of yam is good even if it is just a yam with no sugar. Another reason that
candy yams will be there is that it will kind of set the mood that the dinner is going to be sweet. I believe
that something sweet will make everyone relaxed and calm.
The next type of food that will be there is steak. What kind of dinner will it be without steak. Out of all the
special ocasions that I have been to there has always been steak there. One thing that will bring out is A-I
sauce. I love that barb-bque sauce and I think everyone else does to. Steak will be the only meat at the
party.
The last food that I will have is ice cream and cake. I would not have any vegetables because I do not think
anyone will eat them. I would pick ice cream and cake because it would not be a party without them. I
know that I will hate to go to a party with out deserts. The last party that I went to without cake or ice
cream it was a disaster so that is why I am adding it.
Those are the foods that I would pick for my party.
Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning
This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea but
demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, thus only completing some parts of the task.
Specifically, the writer presents a limited central idea. (“I know what it will taste like and what kind of
food will be there. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Soon yours will be to.”) In the
introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“Do you think that the perfect meal has
ever existed? I know it can exist because I have a dream that it will come to be one of these days.”) The
writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“The last party that I went to without cake or ice
cream it was a disaster so that is why I am adding it.”)
Content & Development
This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and
inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. In particular, the essay has a limited use of details
to illustrate the main ideas. (“The next type of food that will be there is steak. What kind of dinner will it
be without steak. Out of all the special ocasions that I have been to there has always been steak there.”)
The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“Candy yams have been
my favorite food since I was a little kid.”) The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the
body paragraphs are limited. (“I would pick ice cream and cake because it would not be a party without
them. I know that I will hate to go to a party with out deserts.”)
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11
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Organization
This essay exhibits limited organization. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain
introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The
introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Do you think that the
perfect meal has ever existed? I know it can exist because I have a dream that it will come to be one of
these days.”) There is some evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“The next type of food
that will be there is steak . . . The last food that I will have is ice cream and cake.”) The conclusion
attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“Those are the foods that I would pick for my party.”)
Language Use & Style
This essay demonstrates limited language use and style. The writer demonstrates simple language and
word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple
sentences with insufficient sentence variety. In particular, exact words are missing. (“I love that barb-bque
sauce and I think everyone else does to.”) More effective transitions are needed. (“The next type of food
that will be there is steak . . . The last food that I will have is ice cream and cake.”) There are run-on
portions in the essay. (“The last party that I went to without cake or ice cream it was a disaster so that is
why I am adding it.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains several
noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the
communication of the writer’s message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a
verb, ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. (“The last food that I will have is ice
cream and cake. I would not have any vegetables because I do not think anyone will eat them. I would pick
ice cream and cake because it would not be a party without them. I know that I will hate to go to a party
with out deserts. The last party that I went to without cake or ice cream it was a disaster so that is why I am
adding it.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.
Model Essay
A dinner is always something special that wil catch peoples atension. Well im having a dinner menu that
wil include enchiladas, rice, and beans. This dish is one of my best one and i would like to see what other
people think of it. I chosed this menu for the reson that it always works best. Many people have tried it and
they are familar with it already. I will also present this menu to my guest.
Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they are interested on eating. If they say I
will tell them whats for dinner. Then we will start a conversation with them ask ask them how was the
food.Hopefully they enjoyed it just like I will. this dish always comes out perfect for dinner and hopefully
it still do. this is how I will present my menu to my guest.
Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning
This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but
demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, thus only completing few parts of the
task. Specifically, the essay does not state a clear controlling idea. (“A dinner is always something special
that wil catch peoples atension. Well im having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and
beans.”) The writer does not demonstrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include
relevant details to make ideas clear. (“Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they
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12
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are interested on eating. If they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”) The writing style is not appropriate
for the audience. (“this dish always comes out perfect for dinner and hopefully it still do. this is how I will
present my menu to my guest.”)
Content & Development
This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and
inadequately, using few details to support ideas, as details are used minimally to explain and illustrate the
evidence. (“Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they are interested on eating. If
they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”) Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main
idea. (“Then we will start a conversation with them ask ask them how was the food.Hopefully they
enjoyed it just like I will.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“I chosed
this menu for the reson that it always works best. Many people have tried it and they are familar with it
already. I will also present this menu to my guest.”)
Organization
This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of structure with a poor
introduction and conclusion; also, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The
essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“A dinner is always something special that wil
catch peoples atension. Well im having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and beans.”) The
introduction does little to include a clear sentence to explain what the essay is about. (“This dish is one of
my best one and i would like to see what other people think of it. I chosed this menu for the reson that it
always works best.”) Transitions between paragraphs are needed. (“Some ways I will present this dish to
them is by asking them if they are interested on eating. If they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”)
Language Use & Style
This essay exhibits minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word
choice with little awareness of audience. There are also basic errors in sentence structure and usage.
Specifically, the style is not formal. (“Well im having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and
beans. This dish is one of my best one and i would like to see what other people think of it.”) The essay
uses the same group of words to begin the two sentences in the paragraph. (“this dish always comes out
perfect for dinner and hopefully it still do. this is how I will present my menu to my guest.”) Exact words
are missing. (“Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they are interested on eating.
If they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are patterns of error in
grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the
writer’s message. The writer does not consistently compose sentences with a subject and a verb (an
action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, or follow
capitalization conventions. (“A dinner is always something special that wil catch peoples atension. Well im
having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and beans. This dish is one of my best one and i
would like to see what other people think of it. I chosed this menu for the reson that it always works best.
Many people have tried it and they are familar with it already. I will also present this menu to my guest.”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
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Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and
ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free .
menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar. beer,
soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice
cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.
Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning
This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish a central controlling
idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience; furthermore, the writer completes few or
no parts of the task. Specifically, the essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does
not include clear details. Supporting ideas for the essay or a main point of view are not clearly stated. (“I
will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and ends
at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free . menu is
hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar. beer, soda, fruit
punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice cream, cake,
and applesause. every one gets a gift.”)
Content & Development
This essay demonstrates inadequate or no content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas,
using no details to support main ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea
of the essay, at least three main ideas are not included as evidence, and there are no main ideas in the body
paragraphs. (“I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at
9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks
are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar.
beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk,
ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.”)
Organization
This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. The essay does not exhibit evidence of a unified
structure with an introduction or conclusion; there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.
In particular, the essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction, transitional devices are not used to
help connect ideas, and the essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“I will be having a party at 301
main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you
to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked
beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar. beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks
are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one
gets a gift.”)
Language Use & Style
This essay demonstrates inadequate language use and style. The essay exhibits unclear or incoherent
language use and word choice with no awareness of audience. There are also major errors in sentence
structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the essay, lengths of the sentences are short, and the style
is not formal. (“I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at
9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks
are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar.
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beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk,
ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in
grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of
the writer’s message. In particular, the writer needs to make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb
(an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent new paragraphs, and follow capitalization
conventions. (“I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at
9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks
are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar.
beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk,
ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more
ways to improve his/her writing.
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A Healthy Change
We often fail to realize that the choices we make about our health can be unhealthy ones. Lifestyle choices
affect our long-term health as well as our risk for disease.
Imagine that you could change things about your lifestyle that would make you healthier. Describe what
these changes would be and how they would benefit you and make our society a healthier one.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Having a healthy America should be a top priority for all of us, since the cost of an unhealthy lifestryle to
society, families, and individuals is too great. Americans are, sadly, unhealthy. Why this is so is the topic of
this essay. Changes in my own lifestyle are important as well. Therefore, I will highlight changes that each
of us can make, while suggesting ways in which I will address my own lifestyle and its health.
For instance, the percentage of overweight people in America is very high and growing by the day. The
reason for this is due to the fact that Americans, as a whole, are lazy and the foods we choose to eat are
high in fat and carbohydrates. These high fat foods are usually located in fast food restaurant that happen to
be located everywhere. Fast foods are a cheap form of fuel that is very unhealthy. We eat more of types of
these foods because they satisfy our cravings for salt and fat. Further, I myself eat too many french fries.
These fires dominate my diet. Unfortunately, with the increase in high caloric foods, we are increasing our
chances of many different health risks such as heart disease and diabetes. Foods that are high in
preservatives, carbohydrates, saturated fats will store in your body as unused fuel that then increases the fat
cells to grow and your cholesterol to rise.
The only way to combat this unhealthy lifestyle is to make some serious changes to our current way of life.
A proper diet is the first step to change. The next is a form of consistent exercise. The last is how we view
and think of food. If we can change our view of dining then we will help prevent or avoid certain medical
problems such as diabetes and heart disease that can ruin a life. As for me, my youth protects me for now.
But I know that if I do not make the appropriate changes, my life may one day include insulin dependence
and other chronic complaints.
A prescription for change and a healthy lifestyle are necessary steps. The change that I see being made first
is having a healthier diet. Most people fall into the mode of eating junk food or fast food. Why? It's easy
and inexpensive. We need to educate ourselves about healthier foods. It's okay to eat fast food once in a
while, but to have it on a regular basis makes you unhealthy. It is important to create a diet of protein such
as chicken, beef or fish. I see that we also need to eat fresh vegetables and fruit.. Our bodies need some
carbohydrates because they turn it into fuel so we can be functional.
With a proper diet comes exercise. As we eat healthier and begin to feel better, we need to begin rasing our
heart rate through aerobic exercise programs. So along with running, biking, or swimming for our aerobic
workout, a person needs to lift weights to build muscle and burn calories. It is also a proven fact that the
only way to reduce our body fat is to build muscle. Muscle is the only tissue in the body that burns energy.
As a person increase their muscle weight, they begin to burn calories and this reduces our body fat. The
benefits that we get from eating right and exercising is that we will feel and look better.
If we continue to do nothing but snack on junk food and sit on the couch watching television instead of
exercising, then our society might possibly begin to see our life-spans decrease instead of increasing as they
have done in every generation. To many food is a self-esteem problem. They find themselves in a vicious
circle where the wrong food acts like an obsessive drug that gives them fake comfort. And so they eat to
bury their feelings and problems. The only way for such people to overcome this form of addiction is to
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seek proper medical care to change the way they think about food. Without this kind of medical care they
will never lose the weight.
A diet for a new America should result from all of this. I really feel that it is so important for all of us to
begin changing their eating and exercise habits. Without the proper diet and exercise program, our society
is going to see a major increase health related problems and early deaths.
Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning
In this thoughtful essay, the author successfully establishes an insightful thesis. (“Having a healthy
America should be a top priority for all of us, since the cost of an unhealthy lifestryle to society, families,
and individuals is too great… Therefore, I will highlight changes that each of us can make, while
suggesting ways in which I will address my own lifestyle and its health.”) Obviously the student has a clear
understanding of the audience and the purpose of the task. The writer remains focused on this controlling
idea, which is expanded and further developed as the essay progresses. The essay certainly completes all
parts of the task very effectively.
Content & Development
This essay effectively develops the author’s arguments using specific and relevant details. For example, in
the first body paragraph the writer goes into an in-depth assessment of the problem of obesity in America
and how it has developed over time. (“The reason for this is due to the fact that Americans, as a whole, are
lazy and the foods we choose to eat are high in fat and carbohydrates. These high fat foods are usually
located in fast food restaurant that happen to be located everywhere.” and “Unfortunately, with the increase
in high caloric foods, we are increasing our chances of many different health risks such as heart disease and
diabetes. Foods that are high in preservatives, carbohydrates, saturated fats will store in your body as
unused fuel that then increases the fat cells to grow and your cholesterol to rise.”) The remainder of the
essay proceeds in this same fashion. This student obviously understands how to support his/her ideas by
artfully incorporating a wide variety of details that support the thesis.
Organization
This response demonstrates an entirely unified organizational structure. The introduction begins by
grabbing the reader’s attention (“Having a healthy America should be a top priority for all of us, since the
cost of an unhealthy lifestryle to society, families, and individuals is too great.”) and proceeds to establish
the controlling idea. The first body paragraph focuses on the weight dilemma Americans currently face,
while the second body paragraph outlines the structure for the remainder of the response. (“The only way to
combat this unhealthy lifestyle is to make some serious changes to our current way of life. A proper diet is
the first step to change. The next is a form of consistent exercise. The last is how we view and think of
food.”) Each subsequent paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence. (“The only way to combat this
unhealthy lifestyle is to make some serious changes to our current way of life. “)The conclusion is also
effective because it gives a strong summary of the author’s argument.
Language Use & Style
The essay is composed using very effective and cohesive language. The author is able to demonstrate a
defined stylistic voice throughout the essay. (“As for me, my youth protects me for now. But I know that if
I do not make the appropriate changes, my life may one day include insulin dependence and other chronic
complaints.”) This response demonstrates precise and artful language and word choice. (“They find
themselves in a vicious circle where the wrong food acts like an obsessive drug that gives them fake
comfort. “) Additionally, the response is constructed of well-structured and varied sentences.
(“Unfortunately, with the increase in high caloric foods, we are increasing our chances of many different
health risks such as heart disease and diabetes.”)
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Mechanics & Conventions
While not completely free of errors in spelling (“lifestryle” and “rasing”), punctuation, and grammar, this
author demonstrates very effective control over the conventions of standard written English.
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
There are many young people who think that taking care of their health is not important. Teens often sleep
late, eat whatever they want, watch too much T.V, and almost never exercise. However, I think that
everyone should take care of their health from an early age. Being healthy is important, because when
people grow older it will be harder for them to control their health habits. What I personally can change for
myself to improve my lifestyle are my eating habits, my fitness, and my social health.
To begin with, I think that the most important part of my future change would be changing my eating
habits. Most of my friends including myself usually eat whatever we want. Recently, I found out that it is
not healthy to eat chips, drink coke and eat too many sweets. Some of my friends skip breakfast and lunch
and consume a big portion of dinner. I learned that it is better to eat little portions every three or four hours
than to eat a lot of food at one time. I also used to binge eat, which is not a very healthy choice either. Now
when I am done eating I just get up and walk away from the table. I learned that eating more fruits and
vegetables are more beneficial for our body. Today I am teaching my family to look at food labels when we
go to the grocery store. It is important to consume the food that is good for our health not just the food that
tastes good. According to the American Cancer Society, “The average American eats the equivalent of 24
teaspoons of fat a day”. Eating too much fat increases the chances of developing cancer. Therefore I
decided to cut on eating fast food and increase the consumption of raw vegetables and fruits.
Another change I should make is to exercise more often. Statistics show that many people do not exercise
enough. According to National Geographic Magazine, “one out of four Americans doesn’t get any exercise
at all. Less than a third get the recommended minimum of a day of exercise.” This is why most Americans
are overweight. To change my fitness I signed up at the gym. There I try to do more cardio work outs like
running, walking, and jumping rope. Another activity that keeps me fit is my dance class. At dance class
not only do we dance but we do 150 sit-ups a day and 200 squats.
Lastly, I think that I have to improve my social health as well. My friends and I didn’t care about our social
habits. Most of the time we interacted through the internet and the phone. We decided that it would be
much healthier for us if we meet at the park and play some sports instead of staying home watching T.V.
and chatting on the internet.
Another thing I would personally change is going to sleep earlier, because I learned that not getting enough
sleep causes the brain to slow down and the body to look older. The insufficient amount of sleep also
causes stress.
In conclusion, I think that being healthy is very important. In order for me to stay healthy I will eat right
exercising more, and get together with my friends. I hope that everything that I do will be healthier and fit.
I also hope that whoever reads this essay will change their mind about being fit. I think that this society
really needs to be healthy and if everyone reads my essay I think that they will change their mind about
being healthy and making healthier choices.
Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning
This author establishes a clear thesis that demonstrates an understanding of the purpose of the task. (“What
I personally can change for myself to improve my lifestyle are my eating habits, my fitness, and my social
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health.”) The author remains focused on delivering the controlling idea to the intended audience throughout
the course of the essay. The author understands the assignment and successfully completes the task.
Content & Development
This essay develops ideas using specific and relevant details and examples. For example, in the third
paragraph, the author does not simply state people do not get enough exercise. Rather, he/she cites various
sources to support the argument. (“Statistics show that many people do not exercise enough. According to
National Geographic Magazine, ‘one out of four Americans doesn’t get any exercise at all. Less than a third
get the recommended minimum of a day of exercise.’ This is why most Americans are overweight.“) By
using sufficient supporting information such as this, the author is able to effectively complete the assigned
task.
Organization
This essay constructs a mostly unified organizational structure. The introduction begins with an attention-
getter (“There are many young people who think that taking care of their health is not important. Teens
often sleep late, eat whatever they want, watch too much T.V, and almost never exercise.”) and develops
the author’s thesis. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and transitional device.
(“Lastly, I think that I have to improve my social health as well.”) The concluding paragraph effectively
sums up the author’s points. (“In conclusion, I think that being healthy is very important. In order for me to
stay healthy I will eat right exercising more, and get together with my friends.”)
Language Use & Style
In this response, the language use and style are appropriate and effective. The author demonstrates good
word choice and sentence variety. (“However, I think that everyone should take care of their health from an
early age. Being healthy is important, because when people grow older it will be harder for them to control
their health habits.”) There is some evidence of voice in the student’s response as well. (“I think that this
society really needs to be healthy and if everyone reads my essay I think that they will change their mind
about being healthy and making healthier choices.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
This response is not without errors. However, the few mistakes in spelling, punctuation, and grammar (“In
order for me to stay healthy I will eat right exercising more, and get together with my friends.“) do not
interfere with the intended message.
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Many choices in our lives affect our health everyday. Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a
crucial decision. Establishing certain eating and exercising habits are important as well. Drinking can also
affect your health. Each of these factors can really affect how you live. Society will also improve along
with better control of these factors.
Choosing to not smoke is very important. Smoking affects alot about your health. The risk of cancer in
many different parts of your body increases. Emphysema can also be a danger. Besides many health
hazards smoking changes your life. You must depend on the drug. It is an awful feeling to have that you
cannot live without smoking. Money is also decreasing each time you purchase cigarets and this can affect
how well you live, wether you are financially stable or not.
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19
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Many people don't eat healthy. Its very important to get all the vitamins and minerals that you need. If you
consume the nutrients necessary to your body, you will be stronger and able to thrive. Without certain
vitamins growth can be affected. Certain diets are needed depending on how much exercises you receive.
Exercise is very important to your body. Its important to keep your body fit and strong. Exercise can lower
your risk of many diseases along with proper diets.
Unfortunately many people drink and are unaware of what can happen to them. Liver damage is very
common. When people drink they preform risky-behaviors. Drinking and driving can result in death of
yourself or another human being. Some people become violent when they drink which can cause harm to
others. Sometimes people even become very depressed when they are dependant on drinking.
So yes many factors affect your health. Drinking can cause you to preform risky-behaviors and harm
others. Smoking can cause many health hazards which can eventually kill you. Diet and exresize are
extremely important to be fit and healthy. So if you would like to become more healthy, start today its
important for survival.
Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning
This essay can best be viewed as an adequate completion of the task. The author establishes a focused
controlling idea (“Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a crucial decision. Establishing certain
eating and exercising habits are important as well. Drinking can also affect your health. Each of these
factors can really affect how you live.”), which is maintained throughout this essay. The response
demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the assignment and completes many parts of the task.
Content & Development
The author uses some specific and accurate details to support his/her ideas. For example, in the second
paragraph, the author explicitly states various dangers involved with smoking. (“The risk of cancer in many
different parts of your body increases. Emphysema can also be a danger. Besides many health hazards
smoking changes your life. You must depend on the drug. It is an awful feeling to have that you cannot live
without smoking.”) The remaining body paragraphs proceed in the same fashion. The essay could have
been improved with further development of the author’s ideas. However, overall, the response does contain
adequate content and development.
Organization
This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. The introduction provides a controlling idea that acts
as an outline for the body of the essay. (“Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a crucial decision.
Establishing certain eating and exercising habits are important as well. Drinking can also affect your
health.”) Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence (“Unfortunately many people drink and
are unaware of what can happen to them.”). However, the paragraphs could have been improved with more
transitional devices. The conclusion is effective because it summarizes the author’s main points. (“Drinking
can cause you to preform risky-behaviors and harm others. Smoking can cause many health hazards which
can eventually kill you.”)
Language Use & Style
The author writes in a style that is generally appropriate for this task and expresses an awareness of the
audience. The sentences are generally well-structured and show some variety. (“Drinking and driving can
result in death of yourself or another human being. Some people become violent when they drink which
can cause harm to others.”) This student’s word choice is also appropriate for the assigned task. (“Many
choices in our lives affect our health everyday. Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a crucial
decision.”)
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Mechanics & Conventions
The student obviously demonstrates adequate control of the conventions of standard written English. There
are some errors in punctuation (“Its very important”), grammar, and spelling (“cigarets” and “exresize”),
but these mistakes do not interfere with the author’s intended message.
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
We often fail to to realize that the choices we make about our health can be unhealthy ones. Well im going
to tell you three good reasons of why I think you should not drink,smoke,and over eat.
The first thing Im going to talk to you about is drinking.First of all there are a lot of drinkers in my family
and some of them have bin drinking since thay were my age which is 12 and I think that is really sad to
know some of them are my uncles and one of them is my dad he has done things that really embarrass me ,
my sisters ,my brothers ,and my mom I think that since we are never embarresing him like he embarreses
us I think that we dont deserve to get embarrast that way.
The second thing im going to talk to you about is smokers.About 50% of my family members smoke and
that I know of none of them have died from it YET! But thay probebly dont even know what will happen if
thay dont stop smoking they will die slowly of lungh cancer when I tell them to stop thay tell me to shut up
that Im to yonge to understad or sometimes thay say im stupid but I dont listen to them but im shure that
thay will pay attention to my grandma I will try to talk to her and tell her about my situation.
The third thing Im going to talk to you about is people over whait. some people in my family are over wait
and that is really sad because when they go to the docter they tell them they have to go on a diet and it is
really hard for the chidren and the perents because they get hungry but whet can they do to stop them from
eat.
All and all thats all I have to talk to you about today becaus .
Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning
The author of this essay attempts to establish a controlling idea. (“Well im going to tell you three good
reasons of why I think you should not drink,smoke,and over eat.”) However, since the essay does not fully
develop or maintain this thesis, the author shows little understanding of the purpose of the task. This
response demonstrates only limited focus and meaning.
Content & Development
Although the author does attempt to include some details to support his/her position, the ideas are
insufficiently developed. For example, in the second paragraph the author endeavors to discuss the dangers
involved with drinking alcohol. However, the supporting arguments aren’t specific, and the author seems to
lose track halfway through the paragraph. (“First of all there are a lot of drinkers in my family and some of
them have bin drinking since thay were my age which is 12 and I think that is really sad to know some of
them are my uncles and one of them is my dad he has done things that really embarrass me , my sisters ,my
brothers ,and my mom I think that since we are never embarresing him like he embarreses us I think that
we dont deserve to get embarrast that way.“) This example and others in this response require further
clarification and elaboration.
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21
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distributed in any form or by any means or stored in a database or any retrieval system, without the prior written permission of Vantage Learning. Revised 11/03/15.
Organization
In this response, the author constructs a limited organizational structure. Although the introduction is
noticeable, it is short and insufficiently developed. Each body paragraph does begin with a focused topic
sentence and transitional device. However, the author seems to lose his/her focus midway through each
body paragraph. Additionally, the conclusion is too short and inadequate to be appropriate. (“All and all
thats all I have to talk to you about today becaus .”)
Language Use & Style
The author’s language is mediocre, marked by confusing run-on sentences. (“some people in my family are
over wait and that is really sad because when they go to the docter they tell them they have to go on a diet
and it is really hard for the chidren and the perents because they get hungry but whet can they do to stop
them from eat.“) The student’s word choice is quite limited. (‘But thay probebly dont even know what will
happen if thay dont stop smoking they will die slowly of lungh cancer when I tell them to stop thay tell me
to shut up that Im to yonge to understad or sometimes thay say im stupid”) The essay does attempt to
address an audience, although the language use is insufficient.
Mechanics & Conventions
It is obvious that the conventions and mechanics of standard written English are difficult for this student to
grasp. There are many spelling (“embarresing” and “over whait”), punctuation (“im”), and grammar errors,
which interfere with the intended message.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.
Model Essay
(“Today after I get out of school im going to start changing my habit im going to do my homework first
thing then Im going to play video games but make sure to turn it off before 9 o clock.“)
Sleeping habits when it comes to sleeping I nearly sleep. So as a healthy thing im going to start sleeping
more. It is video games, family over , and homework that makes me fall asleep late around 12 to 3 o clock.
Since im growing right now my body need 8 to 10 hours of sleep to grow and be healthy.
Today after I get out of school im going to start changing my habit im going to do my homework first thing
then Im going to play video games but make sure to turn it off before 9 o clock.
Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning
This response suggests a controlling idea (“So as a healthy thing im going to start sleeping more.”), but it is
unclear and underdeveloped. The author does not maintain or support the idea with meaningful details and,
therefore, completes few parts of the task. This essay demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the
purpose of the assignment.
Content & Development
This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. The attempt to explain the positive aspects of
getting more sleep is weakened by the brevity of the response. One statement is used to explain why the
student goes to bed late (“It is video games, family over , and homework that makes me fall asleep late
around 12 to 3 o clock.”), but it is not developed or elaborated. The author fails to develop ideas which
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distributed in any form or by any means or stored in a database or any retrieval system, wi