how to deal with impossible people_ 14 steps - wikihow

7/28/2019 How to Deal With Impossible People_ 14 Steps - WikiHow

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26/06/2012 How to Deal With Impossible People: 14 steps - wikiHow

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How to Deal With Impossible People

Most people withpersonality disorders have what is sometimes referred to as "disorders of the

self," because they often dont believe that there is anything wrong with them. They think, This isme, or This is the way I have always been, and self-preservation makes them want to stay thatway. Personality disordered people are the ones who usually come to mind when we think of theterm, toxic person. Here are some insights and steps for dealing with these highly difficult - even,impossible - people

Recognize that impossible people exist; there isn't a thing you can do about it.The first step is all about facing reality: if you think you might be dealing with an impossibleperson, you're probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. Theheadaches you save will be your own.

Do not call them out because it will frustrate them. They could become more difficult,

but just stand your ground and be confident.

Be aware that some people simply aren't compatible. Sometimes, a person who getsalong with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you personally. Mostrelationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix aswell as oil and water. It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim that "Everyoneelse likes me." This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don' t buy it. It doesn't matterhow this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way the two of you interact together isterrible. Remember that blame never changes the facts.

Understand that it's not you, it's them. This can be surprisingly difficult, consideringthat impossible people have complete mastery of blaming skills. Chances are, the moreoften they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault. Keep in mind that thisis notto be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they

do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake. That being said, here'sa simple way to tell: if you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improveyourself, it's probably not you. Remember, impossible people "can do no wrong."

Detach, Disassociate, Diffuse. Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount toyour personal preservation. Spitting angry words, react ing with extreme emotions such ascrying, will only stimulate them to do more of the difficult behavior. Disassociate yourselfinstead by treating the situation with indifference and ignoring the behavior. Do not, underany circumstances bad talk to their face or to anyone else because then you are sinkingdown to their level. Add something positive by redirection such as by focusing onsomething, anything, positive in the situation or in the conversation. Whatever you do juststay calm!

It can help to realize that the side of a conversation that contains the most truth will alwayswin out, and it's best to "name the game" that an impossible person is playing, usually byasking them or the group a question that starts "Why...," (rephrasing their "impossible"position to illuminate the consequences). You will move the conversat ion to a higher level,and the group, or even just the impossible individual, in a one-on-one, will respond to this"higher truth," although the individual will usually respond by (more) obfuscating.

Avoid one-on-ones with this type of person, actively; in other words, when you see themcoming to corner you, suggest, and then demand that at least a third party be brought in.This will often thwart the impossible person's plans, and a typical response from them willbe to unilaterally decide that "we don't need anyone else." You are perfectly free to claimyour need for a third party to help your understanding, and insist upon it. Bullies neverstand up to a crowd.

Realize that you cannot deal with impossible people the same way you deal witheve ryone else. In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope ofengaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at leastwith you. Remember what happened the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized

discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every suchattempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your headagainst a br ick wall.

Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portrayyou as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image. Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand

Steps

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that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly "fact- challenged." If the attacks havelittle basis in raw fact, dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as this person would likeyou to believe you are. Do not defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke theimpossible person into another tirade.

Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a preciousgiftto the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against youover and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will nothesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Fiveyears from now, you could be hear ing about the angry remark you made today (which youdidn't even mean in the f irst place). Impossible people will seize anything that providesthem the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.

Give up self-defense. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds ofpeople; they're called "impossible" for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of allwrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of thestory. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what.

Understand that ev entually, you and the impossible person will have to part ways.Whether they are a friend, a family member, a parent, even a spouse, the time to leave willeventually manifest. Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is, literally,impossible. If you can' t (or won't) make a physical departure immediately, make a mentalone. In your mind, you've already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is wait forphysical reality to reflect that fact.

Avoid le tting the impossible person make you into a "clone" of the m. If you aren'tcareful, you could find yourselfadopting much of the offender's own behavior, even if youaren't voluntar ily trying. Eschew blame entirely by understanding that this is just the waythe other person is. These things define the impossible person's actions, and nothing youdo can change any part of their past.

Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the impossibleperson, so that he or she deals less damage to you. As a manager, your best resourcesare silence (it really is golden in some cases such as this), humoring the other, andabandoning all hope of "fixing" the impossible person. Impossible people do not listen toreason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't). You can't convince them thatthey have any responsibility for the problems between you. They don't recognize (or if theydid, wouldn't try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason; they don't have any flaws.You must understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving into anger. It's far easier said than done, and you willslip from time to time, but as time goeson, you'll become a better manager.

Realize that impossible people engage in projection. Understand that you are goingto be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets alook at this text, to them it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the fact thatthe impossible person's f laws and failings will always be attributed to you. Remember, intheir minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of argumentsto support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more thanhappy to tell you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are underthe mistaken impression that it is them.

Be the opposite of them: a possible person. Live as an example of tolerance, patience,humility, and even some kindness (as difficult as that may be). We are all influenced by thepeople in our environment--they don't have to be perfect all the time and neither do you.Give respect because you are human. If you don't receive respect, that's -sadly- theirproblem. Give understanding, and you get understanding. Ultimately this sort of behavior isprobably the only thing that might get through to them. They may not change in everything,but you can safely expect a change.

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Important: if you care about the people in question and have longstanding relationships withthem, try to get them to seek help.

Don't become a martyr. Before you attempt to deal with impossible people yourself, you mayhave to learn how to control your own emotions. If you are simply unable to avoid animpossible person due to work, family, or other reasons, it is especially important to find otherinterests, join a support group, and seek therapy or religious counseling if necessary.

Don't let them be the martyr that brings you down either. It is a real source of frustration tohave a difficult person "play the martyr" around you to arouse your feelings of guilt andconfusion. Beware this tactic and stand aside from them as they serve as their own martyrwithout you cementing their choice by fawning over them or conceding to their behavior.

Be aware that all of us exhibit some of these personality "disorders" to some degree. It's just a

question of how you def ine "normal".

People with histrionic personality disorders, regardless of whether they happen to bemale or female, are often referred to as drama queens. They live for attention, and willfrequently go to great lengths in order to get it. They have to live in the rightneighborhood, wear the right clothes, and send their kids to the right schools.

Passive-aggressive Passive-aggressive people express their hostilities indirectly bypushing other peoples buttons without appearing to do so -- like the dinner guest whoexclaims innocently, "Wonderful meal, folks. I had no idea how delicious the cheaper cutsof meat could be!" or the sneaky "Don't worry about me, I'm fine," when you know perfectlywell that if you say, "Okay," and go on with whatever you were doing, there are going tobe problems to deal with later because he/she is most definitely notfine, and you shouldhave known that.

If nothing else helps, resolve to treat your experiences with impossible people as valuable lifelessons. Realize that after dealing with them for a while, getting along with everyone else will

be easier. You are getting a free education about how to deal with the most difficult people.Although it is unpleasant now, the lessons you learn are going to be valuable later in life.

It may also help to call a spade a spade and realize that you are dealing with an emotionalabuser. More helpful information can be found in literature on that topic.

Be kind and friendly even though they may act like a jerk to receive negative attention. Ifthey are lonely but don't know how to get attention, then they will appreciate what you aredoing and change. If they are just natural jerks who love to make others mad, then whatyou are doing will enrage them because they can' t figure out how to make you mad, andeventually they will leave you alone. Love is crucial, even if it is insanely difficult to performin various situations.

Don't disagree with them; find ways to be agreeable even if they are wrong. When they tell youthat you donated the money for attention or whatever else, you can say that they might be

right. Agreeing with impossible people sidetracks their steam as they continually look forarguments. You could even smile a bit as you agree with them, thus maintaining your goodhumor and away from falling back into anger.

Note that the most healthy way to deal with an impossible person is to remove that person fromyour environment. Do not torture yourself by exposing yourself to a destructive person. Do notput up with it. You are worth more than that. Remember that you cannot "fix" this person.

When the impossible person is abusing or slandering you, other people will start to show

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sympathy towards you. You don't need to do anything to make them look bad; she/he just digshis/her grave with no help from you. If s/he is angering you, others are also likely to beannoyed.

Try to focus on the positive, even if you can' t seem to think of anything. Something as simpleas "God loves him/her" can keep you under control, even if you don't love them yourself.

Cavaiola and Lavender's Toxic Co-Workers (2000) is an excellent source of advice for dealingwith toxic people.

Ignore them. How better to undermine someone who wants to rant and rave in order to seekattention than to not give them the attention they want? If they cannot get your attention theywill move on to someone else who will give them the attention they crave. Don't let it be you.

Make sure you do not make impossible people angry; although they usually (of course) "haveno temper" and are "reasonable to everybody," the fact is that if you enrage them, they willblow their stack like you can't believe. Your own moments of frustration with them will pale incomparison. Don't give them a reason. Instead, think of their outbursts in the same way youwould a child's tantrum, but do it subtly (in such a way that they can't lash out at you for being"condescending"). This takes practice, but it is a social skill worth developing. It might help tothink of this person as having a health problem: this person needs help, needs constantmanagement, and you may not be able to do it alone.

If for some reason you are able to convince impossible people with irrefutable evidence that

they (and they alone) are at fault, then there is a possibility that they will completely "crash" inthe other direction, expressing the belief that if they can't be right in this one situation, thenthey must be 100% wrong all the time in every situation. This is a coping mechanism of theirswhich attempts to encourage others around them to feel sympathy for them and build themback up.

Never tell others how you feel about this person. If you confess the impossible behavior of thisimpossible person, and the person you tell shares the same views as you have, then it is quitepossible that this person might spread the chat you had with him/her. Then, when it reachesthe ears of the impossible person in this case, regardless of the means by which thisknowledge reaches him, s/he will make every possible attempt to degrade your image,because then s/he will know who started it.

On the other hand, if this person is unavoidable, you may find it useful to manage the situationwith someone else, in sort of a tag team. One may make themselves available to give theneeded attention, while the other takes a break.

Protect your pr ivacy! Impossible people will use any information on your personal life howeversmall as a trump card against you. They can spin stories about you to other people (especiallythose close to you both) on a simple comment you made over lunch. Since they are specialistsin manipulation, they are very good at making you talk. Impossible people are good at seemingnormal, and unless you are very convinced of who you are and where you stand in relation tothe slight madness of this person, there will be times where you think "hey, she's not so badafter all. I guess I could tell her what I am going through these days...." BIG MISTAKE. It willcome back to you when you least expect it, in the most dirty and manipulative way. Thingsshared in confidence late night at the office between the two of you can be used in an ice coldanalysis in front of the whole company in a moment where the impossible person needs to geton top of you. He/she will spare no information to prove to others how well they know you, andsuch know what the best way to "handle" you is.

NEVER confront an impossible person with the fact that they are the chief source of theproblem. You will unleash a flood of denial and blame in failing to keep it to yourself (or youcan tell it to others, as stated aboveperhaps a blog under an online alias can help, forexample).

Be careful with non-verbal gestures, as they may bring about misconceptions.

Be careful in making any physical contact with the person; a mere pat on the back mayaggravate even the most mild-mannered impossible person.

Don't show this page (or any other similar advice) to impossible people in an at tempt toconvince them of how difficult they are. Again (and it bears repeating), you can't convincethem of diddly-squat. Any attempt whatsoever to do so will only result in you getting blastedwith another tirade, which will create more resentment against you and compound the problem.*Remember: You're not the impossible one.

Make sure you are not being impossible before attempting the above steps and tips. You mayinjure yourself.

Know when to say goodbye. If this relationship has worn you down, or if you feel this person isimpulsive enough to be dangerous to you, even if only in terms of continual emotional battery,let them go. Cut off the relationship as soon as it's practical and possible, and refuse any

further contact. The impossible person will attempt to make contact, perhaps a number oftimes - if you decline, they will bait you, insult you, talk to your friends about you, take any bitof gossip they hear about you and run with it, etc. You must resist the temptation to engagethis person - ever again. If you have a mutual friend who wants to share info on the impossibleperson, say, "You know what, I think I'd rather not hear about her/him. I've moved on."

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How to Practice Nonviolent Communication

How to Recognize and Cope With a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

How to Gain Control of Your Emotions

How to Ignore People

How to Appear Normal In Front of Your Enemy or Competitor

How to Handle House Guests That Stay Too Long

How to Understand a Person's MotiveHow to Be Respected

How to Annoy Argumentative People

How to Deal With Negative People

How to Deal With Gatecrashers

How to Get Someone to Leave You Alone

How to Handle an Irate Customer on the Phone

How to Handle People Who Are Angry at You

How to Deal with Difficult Relatives

How to Deal With Toxic People

How to Deal With a Screamer

How to Get Along With Difficult People

How to Deal With People Who Put You Down

How to Deal With a Job You Do Not Like

How to Deal With a Know It All

How to Become a Step Father for a Child Whose Biological Father is a Trouble Maker

How to Deal With a Friend Who Brags Too Much About Her Kids

How to Deal With People Who Seem Scared of You

How to Stay Mad at Someone You Like

How to Understand How to Deal With People

How to Deal With an Unhappy Wife

Cavaiola, A. C., & Lavender , N. J. (2000). Toxic co-workers: How to deal with dysfunctionalpeople on the job. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

American Psychiatric Association (1994). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, DSM-IV-TR, 4thed. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

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