I can’t help it

Why did you have to go Johnny?

I know it wasn’t easy for any of us when your mother died.

It happened so quick, none of us knew what to do.

It was a normal day whenever I got that fatal phone call,

They told me it was an accident.

But the hardest part, was telling you.

You couldn’t believe me,

You didn’t want to.

I had to support us both

I’m sorry I couldn’t be home all the time.

I’m sorry that you had to come home from school some nights,

Wondering when I would be home.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t come to the baseball games, school plays, or field trips.

I had to work to put food on the table

I had to work to make a better future for you,

But now, you’re gone now too.

Your final note clenched in my hand.

All of the dark feelings surrounded you,

Until finally you had enough.

I lay awake at night,

Asking god why he had to take you and your mother away from me.

The pictures around the house are the last bit of sanity that I get.

Memories fill my head

Tears fill my eyes

Her lovely smile,

Your dark brown eyes;

They haunt me.

This quiet empty house is all I have left.

Friends check up on me.

I put on my fake smile.

I say I’m okay

But the minute they leave

I slip into my quiet darkness.

I try to keep a steady mind,

But even that is slowly slipping away.

I wonder why I even try to stay awake anymore.

I close my eyes

I pull the trigger